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1
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I am immensely successful.
2
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[laughs]
3
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No, I am.
4
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And...
5
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No, it is true.
6
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Immensely successful, but yet...
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00:00:20,310 --> 00:00:22,730
you would think
it would be good enough being me.
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Every single day,
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numerous people come up to me
and they say,
10
00:00:28,650 --> 00:00:31,360
"Uh, what's Larry David really like?"
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[audience laughs]
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[electric guitar chords playing]
13
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[chuckles] You know, we were just filming
another season
14
00:00:42,790 --> 00:00:45,790
and I said to Larry,
"Now, let me ask you a question."
15
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Does anyone ever come up to you and go,
"Uh, what's Jeff Garlin really like?"
16
00:00:50,590 --> 00:00:53,680
And he said,
"No, no one's ever done that.
17
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It's never happened." You know.
18
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[laughs] Yeah.
19
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You know who does come up to me?
20
00:00:59,810 --> 00:01:02,190
Holy shit! You know
who comes up to me all the time
21
00:01:02,270 --> 00:01:04,520
and tells me they love me
like I'm their favorite?
22
00:01:04,610 --> 00:01:05,530
Naked guys.
23
00:01:05,610 --> 00:01:06,740
[audience laughs]
24
00:01:06,820 --> 00:01:08,240
If I'm at the gym,
25
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a naked guy will come up to me
in the locker room and go,
26
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"I fucking love you!
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Oh, I love Curb. I love you.
I love The Goldbergs." Whatever.
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And I say, "Hey, put on some clothes.
29
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I'm not going to talk to you
while I see your wiener.
30
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Don't wanna have a--"
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I'm very uncomfortable with male nudity.
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I have to admit,
I don't like being around naked--
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I was about to say, "naked mailmen."
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By the way, even more,
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how unsettling would it be
to be around your mailman naked?
36
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Wouldn't that be just terrible?
A naked mailman?
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That's... [laughs]
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No, I... By the way, I think
39
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there should be a sign
in every locker room that says:
40
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"Nudity permitted,
but with a destination."
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You know, you're going
to the shower: naked!
42
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Back to your locker to get dressed:
naked!
43
00:01:57,450 --> 00:02:00,580
You know, there's too many people
in locker rooms just standing naked.
44
00:02:01,580 --> 00:02:04,040
If you're in a male...
Men know what I'm talking about.
45
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In men's locker rooms,
they just stand like this.
46
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[audience laughs]
47
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There's always a hand on the hip.
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"Yeah, that's my wiener.
49
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Waiting for Jeff Garlin
to come to the locker room. [laughs]
50
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Let him know how I feel."
51
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[laughs]
52
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Oh, fuck.
53
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Yeah. Oh, man.
54
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So, yeah, immensely successful,
55
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yet I worked hard to become...
56
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to have the career I have.
57
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I mean, I really...
58
00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:32,440
I did more shit--
I've been doing comedy...
59
00:02:32,530 --> 00:02:33,950
Actually, today,
60
00:02:34,030 --> 00:02:36,370
no fucking around,
and I didn't plan on this,
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37 years today.
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00:02:37,910 --> 00:02:38,910
That's right.
63
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[audience cheering and applauding]
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Yep.
65
00:02:44,910 --> 00:02:46,620
Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
66
00:02:47,210 --> 00:02:48,840
Yeah. So, I'm like...
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And I love it.
68
00:02:51,300 --> 00:02:52,680
It's my... Oh, it's my joy.
69
00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:55,090
I've never loved anything more.
70
00:02:55,180 --> 00:02:56,310
Well, my children.
71
00:02:56,380 --> 00:02:57,300
Um...
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00:02:57,390 --> 00:03:00,060
Yeah, children, comedy.
Yeah, that's the list.
73
00:03:00,140 --> 00:03:03,770
So anyhow, I have done more shitty gigs
74
00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:06,440
than you can imagine in 37 years.
75
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,770
I remember... Okay, here's one:
76
00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:10,700
Lake Tahoe.
77
00:03:10,770 --> 00:03:13,190
I'm playing a casino there.
78
00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:15,570
Opening for me is a magician
79
00:03:16,030 --> 00:03:18,030
named TC Tahoe,
80
00:03:18,110 --> 00:03:20,320
who is not from Lake Tahoe,
81
00:03:20,740 --> 00:03:22,700
never been to Lake Tahoe,
82
00:03:22,790 --> 00:03:25,880
and is really excited to be in Lake Tahoe.
83
00:03:26,290 --> 00:03:27,670
He opened with the rings.
84
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The rings that go in and out.
85
00:03:29,250 --> 00:03:32,250
Essentially you buy them,
and the guy behind the counter goes,
86
00:03:32,340 --> 00:03:34,340
"You hold it at this angle
and they come apart."
87
00:03:34,420 --> 00:03:36,130
You know, like, it's not magic!
88
00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:38,720
The audience reaction was,
89
00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:39,890
"It's magic!"
90
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They couldn't believe that there's rings.
91
00:03:43,350 --> 00:03:44,310
Wow!
92
00:03:44,390 --> 00:03:45,230
All right.
93
00:03:47,100 --> 00:03:48,310
He did hat,
94
00:03:48,390 --> 00:03:49,850
and rabbits,
95
00:03:50,310 --> 00:03:51,600
and doves...
96
00:03:51,690 --> 00:03:55,070
I mean, every trick you've ever seen
97
00:03:55,150 --> 00:03:56,360
that's like, "Yeah."
98
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They're going apeshit.
99
00:03:58,070 --> 00:03:59,570
He closes with
100
00:03:59,660 --> 00:04:01,250
the lights go out on the stage.
101
00:04:01,740 --> 00:04:03,870
He opens up his tuxedo,
102
00:04:03,950 --> 00:04:04,910
in the dark,
103
00:04:04,990 --> 00:04:07,330
and his cummerbund glows in the dark.
104
00:04:07,710 --> 00:04:09,090
and says, "Tahoe."
105
00:04:09,420 --> 00:04:11,340
-[audience laughing]
-And, uh... Yeah.
106
00:04:11,420 --> 00:04:13,460
And it got a standing ovation!
107
00:04:13,540 --> 00:04:14,880
[audience laughs]
108
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:16,540
And then I went out,
109
00:04:16,630 --> 00:04:19,630
and I wish I would have brought crickets
for ambiance,
110
00:04:20,970 --> 00:04:22,430
to add to...
111
00:04:22,510 --> 00:04:24,220
Man, give me some noise.
112
00:04:25,010 --> 00:04:28,310
When you play a casino,
you have to do the exact amount of time.
113
00:04:28,890 --> 00:04:31,640
Like, whatever it is, to the minute.
114
00:04:31,730 --> 00:04:33,650
Can't go a minute under or a minute over.
115
00:04:34,020 --> 00:04:36,560
So I had to do 45 minutes of pure silence.
116
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Oh, it was delightful.
117
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Pure silence.
118
00:04:40,860 --> 00:04:42,150
Forty-five minutes.
119
00:04:42,530 --> 00:04:45,070
I come off,
the general manager is waiting for me.
120
00:04:45,410 --> 00:04:46,240
He says to me,
121
00:04:46,330 --> 00:04:48,330
"I think we're gonna have, uh,
122
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:52,800
TC Tahoe close the show
the rest of the week."
123
00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:55,130
And I say, "You know what?
I think that's a good idea.
124
00:04:56,590 --> 00:04:58,180
Much better. Let him close."
125
00:04:58,670 --> 00:05:01,010
"Yeah, you won't be here."
126
00:05:02,090 --> 00:05:03,090
"I won't?"
127
00:05:03,180 --> 00:05:06,230
"No, we're sending ya outta here
on the midnight bus."
128
00:05:06,850 --> 00:05:10,100
The midnight bus.
Who's ever heard of a midnight bus?
129
00:05:10,180 --> 00:05:12,930
What kind of a midnight bus?
Tahoe's got a midnight bus.
130
00:05:13,020 --> 00:05:13,940
And then he says,
131
00:05:14,020 --> 00:05:16,150
"We packed up all your belongings
132
00:05:16,230 --> 00:05:18,480
while you were on stage... [laughs]
133
00:05:18,570 --> 00:05:21,530
and you're gonna be taken
to the midnight bus."
134
00:05:22,490 --> 00:05:23,830
"Where does the midnight bus go?"
135
00:05:23,910 --> 00:05:25,200
"We don't know.
136
00:05:25,740 --> 00:05:29,290
We've never spoken with anyone
who's taken the midnight bus,
137
00:05:29,370 --> 00:05:31,790
but you get on at midnight
and you travel."
138
00:05:32,250 --> 00:05:33,960
I don't know where you'll end up,
139
00:05:34,330 --> 00:05:35,410
but it's midnight,
140
00:05:35,500 --> 00:05:37,000
and you're traveling,
141
00:05:37,090 --> 00:05:38,340
and it's a bus.
142
00:05:39,170 --> 00:05:41,460
It's the midnight--" [laughs]
143
00:05:42,180 --> 00:05:43,350
So stupid.
144
00:05:44,180 --> 00:05:47,560
So, understand, I've had a lot of gigs
145
00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:50,440
like the midnight bus out of Tahoe.
146
00:05:50,890 --> 00:05:52,350
I've never had another midnight bus,
147
00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:55,360
but I've gotten fired
many times along the way.
148
00:05:55,980 --> 00:05:58,980
Now, I'm gonna tell you
about the weirdest fucking gig.
149
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:00,230
Holy shit.
150
00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:03,240
You're not gonna believe this.
You're gonna go, "No fucking way."
151
00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:05,700
And what if I tell you...
I'm telling you this ahead of time.
152
00:06:05,780 --> 00:06:07,820
Everything I'm about to tell you,
completely true.
153
00:06:07,910 --> 00:06:09,290
There's no... I'm not...
154
00:06:09,660 --> 00:06:10,620
There's nothing added.
155
00:06:10,700 --> 00:06:12,450
It's not like, "Oh!" No!
156
00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:14,580
All true.
157
00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:17,500
Almost like a magic trick.
158
00:06:18,090 --> 00:06:20,630
So, the name of the place
159
00:06:20,710 --> 00:06:22,920
is the Stay Out All Night disco.
160
00:06:24,130 --> 00:06:25,840
Yes, it's here in Chicago.
161
00:06:25,930 --> 00:06:27,310
It's not here anymore.
162
00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:29,470
Now, the gig... Ooh!
163
00:06:30,430 --> 00:06:32,470
Sunday night, 3:00 a.m.
164
00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:35,810
Oh, yeah, you heard me.
Sunday at 3:00 a.m.
165
00:06:35,900 --> 00:06:38,110
Now, Saturday night at 3:00 a.m.,
166
00:06:38,190 --> 00:06:40,610
you gotta be honest,
you go, "Hey. Look at you!
167
00:06:40,690 --> 00:06:42,530
You're a partier.
168
00:06:42,610 --> 00:06:45,240
Saturday, 3:00 a.m.? You're pushing it!
169
00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:47,530
Look at you! Look at you!"
170
00:06:48,410 --> 00:06:49,330
All right.
171
00:06:49,700 --> 00:06:51,790
Sunday, 3:00 a.m.? You're an alcoholic.
172
00:06:52,290 --> 00:06:53,880
[audience laughs]
173
00:06:54,870 --> 00:06:57,420
You need to look yourself in the mirror,
talk to your family,
174
00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:59,590
because this is not good.
175
00:06:59,670 --> 00:07:03,380
Unless Monday is Labor Day
or Memorial Day,
176
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:07,390
you should not be out
Sunday night at 3:00 a.m.
177
00:07:07,470 --> 00:07:08,300
All right.
178
00:07:08,390 --> 00:07:11,810
So I get there
and the owner's name is Bill.
179
00:07:12,140 --> 00:07:14,520
And, Bill, also by the way, in a tuxedo.
180
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:16,230
A red tuxedo with a red bow tie.
181
00:07:16,310 --> 00:07:18,060
What if all my stories had tuxedos?
182
00:07:18,690 --> 00:07:19,860
That's the name of my special:
183
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,320
Tuxedo Stories.
184
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:24,030
Jim tells all his goofy adventures
185
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:25,730
of people in...
[laughs] Fuck it.
186
00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:28,610
-[audience laughs]
-All right. So, anyhow...
187
00:07:28,700 --> 00:07:29,740
By the way,
188
00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:31,830
lots of mistakes will be in the show.
189
00:07:31,910 --> 00:07:34,080
I promise you
because I love genuine, real.
190
00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:37,250
Fuck that smooth shit, you know.
191
00:07:37,330 --> 00:07:40,210
I've spent the majority of my career
not having an act.
192
00:07:40,290 --> 00:07:43,080
And tonight I have a beginning,
middle, and an end, so it's weird to me.
193
00:07:43,170 --> 00:07:44,090
That's all I'm saying.
194
00:07:44,170 --> 00:07:46,760
I'll do it because it's a show
and I'm being paid.
195
00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:48,340
But I'm not all for it.
196
00:07:48,430 --> 00:07:49,850
I like just making up shit.
197
00:07:49,930 --> 00:07:52,180
-But you know...
-[audience cheering and applauding]
198
00:07:52,260 --> 00:07:53,340
-Yeah.
-[applause continues]
199
00:07:53,430 --> 00:07:55,270
We'll see what happens, won't we?
200
00:07:55,350 --> 00:07:56,640
We will see!
201
00:07:56,730 --> 00:07:57,690
We will...
202
00:07:57,770 --> 00:08:00,400
You two, by the way,
are the badasses in the room.
203
00:08:00,810 --> 00:08:01,810
That's right.
204
00:08:01,900 --> 00:08:03,780
You just are. You have the look.
You know it.
205
00:08:03,860 --> 00:08:06,950
One of you knows like karate
or some shit, right?
206
00:08:07,030 --> 00:08:08,990
You do, huh? Look at you, you fucker.
207
00:08:09,070 --> 00:08:11,950
You could kick fuckers' asses.
Look at you.
208
00:08:12,030 --> 00:08:14,620
But yet, you're wearing shoes
with no socks. I don't get it.
209
00:08:14,700 --> 00:08:16,950
-[laughing]
-I don't know why. You have a good look.
210
00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:18,830
But, then again,
you're wearing boat shoes
211
00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:22,170
which don't look good with socks,
but you shouldn't be wearing boat shoes.
212
00:08:23,340 --> 00:08:24,840
This is not a boat.
213
00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:26,510
This is not a boat.
214
00:08:26,590 --> 00:08:28,510
If I was performing on a boat,
welcome aboard.
215
00:08:28,590 --> 00:08:29,630
[audience laughs]
216
00:08:30,180 --> 00:08:31,430
But it's not a boat,
217
00:08:31,510 --> 00:08:33,720
so please choose other footwear
218
00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:35,550
like your friend, socks and shoes.
219
00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:37,980
Look at you, living the life.
220
00:08:38,430 --> 00:08:39,470
Socks and shoes.
221
00:08:39,560 --> 00:08:42,020
You, no one wants you to come over.
[laughs]
222
00:08:42,100 --> 00:08:43,440
[audience laughs]
223
00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:46,270
'Cause you'll take off your shoes,
everyone's like, "Fuck it!"
224
00:08:51,450 --> 00:08:53,120
All right, so, Bill,
225
00:08:53,530 --> 00:08:55,280
who owned the Stay Out All Night disco,
226
00:08:55,370 --> 00:08:57,830
red, um... red tuxedo,
227
00:08:57,910 --> 00:08:58,990
red bow tie.
228
00:09:00,210 --> 00:09:03,340
And Bill said, "You're ready?"
I say, "I'm ready."
229
00:09:03,420 --> 00:09:05,300
Now, let me describe the room to you.
230
00:09:05,380 --> 00:09:06,590
Okay. So in front of me,
231
00:09:06,670 --> 00:09:10,340
a bit back is an oval bar
232
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:11,840
with alcoholics.
233
00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:15,810
Dance floor, no stage.
234
00:09:15,890 --> 00:09:16,720
Okay?
235
00:09:16,810 --> 00:09:18,520
Disco ball. Okay?
236
00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:22,640
And here's how Bill introduced me
every time I played there.
237
00:09:22,730 --> 00:09:24,020
And it was 50 bucks,
238
00:09:24,110 --> 00:09:25,950
which in the '80s was like
most of my rent.
239
00:09:26,020 --> 00:09:28,570
It was so exciting, that at one...
You know, I...
240
00:09:28,650 --> 00:09:30,070
So, really what you're going is,
241
00:09:30,150 --> 00:09:32,400
3:00 a.m. to collect part of your rent.
[laughs]
242
00:09:32,490 --> 00:09:33,910
It's really not about,
243
00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:37,410
"Oh, I'm going to have a great show
at 3:00 a.m. for alcoholics." All right.
244
00:09:37,830 --> 00:09:42,290
So, Bill would introduce me
like this every fucking time,
245
00:09:42,370 --> 00:09:45,330
"Ladies and Gentlemen,
would you please welcome Jeff Jizz."
246
00:09:45,420 --> 00:09:48,050
[audience laughs]
247
00:09:48,130 --> 00:09:49,840
Yes, you heard me. Now...
248
00:09:50,170 --> 00:09:53,260
You have a sweet face, and I know
you don't know what jizz is.
249
00:09:53,340 --> 00:09:55,300
-And let me...
-[audience laughing]
250
00:09:56,470 --> 00:09:57,930
A lot of people don't, and I want...
251
00:09:58,010 --> 00:10:00,600
Do you know what jizz is?
You do. Okay.
252
00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:05,230
So "jizz" is a... uh,
a... slang word for "sperm."
253
00:10:06,770 --> 00:10:07,940
Just... I want you included.
254
00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:10,860
I don't want anyone on the outs,
and I know there's others.
255
00:10:10,940 --> 00:10:13,030
There are others
who don't know what jizz is.
256
00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:15,580
Many people don't know what jizz is.
257
00:10:15,660 --> 00:10:18,000
You know jizz. You are your...
258
00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:21,790
You've been on many a jizz boat cruise.
I know it.
259
00:10:21,870 --> 00:10:24,710
-[audience laughs]
-I know you have. [chuckles]
260
00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:26,670
All right, so...
261
00:10:26,750 --> 00:10:29,340
Anyhow, he introduces me as Jeff Jizz.
262
00:10:29,420 --> 00:10:30,710
Let me also say,
263
00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:33,510
He doesn't say,
"Your first comedian, Jeff Jizz.
264
00:10:33,590 --> 00:10:35,050
Here's a magician, Jeff Jizz."
265
00:10:35,130 --> 00:10:36,880
Just says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Jizz."
266
00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:39,310
Which means
the alcoholics are thinking to themselves,
267
00:10:39,390 --> 00:10:40,730
"Does this involve jizz?"
268
00:10:40,810 --> 00:10:41,980
[audience laughing]
269
00:10:42,060 --> 00:10:44,940
[stammering]
"Will there be jism at some point?"
270
00:10:45,020 --> 00:10:47,310
"I don't know that I want to stay
271
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:51,200
to see Jeff Jizz
and all his jizz excitement."
272
00:10:55,660 --> 00:10:56,490
Okay.
273
00:10:57,570 --> 00:10:58,780
Let's recap.
274
00:11:00,790 --> 00:11:02,290
Bar, alcoholics.
275
00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:03,370
Dance floor.
276
00:11:03,450 --> 00:11:04,330
Disco ball.
277
00:11:04,750 --> 00:11:05,580
Jeff Jizz.
278
00:11:05,670 --> 00:11:07,460
[audience laughs]
279
00:11:07,540 --> 00:11:10,630
At this point,
a screen drops out behind me,
280
00:11:10,710 --> 00:11:12,250
down behind me,
281
00:11:12,340 --> 00:11:14,930
and he projects on the screen
two things.
282
00:11:15,010 --> 00:11:15,970
He alternates.
283
00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:20,050
One of them is my first movie
that I did when I was 19 years old,
284
00:11:20,140 --> 00:11:21,930
which was a movie called Spring Break.
285
00:11:22,010 --> 00:11:23,850
-It was a spring break movie.
-[woman whoos]
286
00:11:23,930 --> 00:11:26,390
-[applause]
-I played the immortal character,
287
00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:27,980
Crazy Gut Gut.
288
00:11:28,060 --> 00:11:29,400
And, uh...
289
00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:32,530
I was a belly flop champion,
and I could...
290
00:11:32,610 --> 00:11:34,780
By the way, I did my own belly flops
291
00:11:34,860 --> 00:11:36,900
'cause I'm 19, and I'm like, "Fuck it."
292
00:11:36,990 --> 00:11:39,370
You know, because 19-year-olds are stupid.
293
00:11:40,030 --> 00:11:42,700
"Oh, I'll be in your movie
and do belly flops."
294
00:11:42,790 --> 00:11:44,000
What a fucking idiot.
295
00:11:44,870 --> 00:11:48,000
My stomach is...
Still to this day I feel the redness.
296
00:11:49,330 --> 00:11:50,160
So,
297
00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:54,550
he alternates clips of me in Spring Break
with porn.
298
00:11:55,460 --> 00:11:57,210
[audience laughs]
299
00:11:57,680 --> 00:11:59,470
And I'm Jeff... Okay, let's recap.
300
00:12:01,050 --> 00:12:03,090
Bar, alcoholics.
301
00:12:03,180 --> 00:12:04,350
Okay?
302
00:12:04,430 --> 00:12:06,350
[chuckles] Bar with alcoholics,
303
00:12:06,430 --> 00:12:07,350
dance floor,
304
00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:08,320
disco ball,
305
00:12:08,390 --> 00:12:09,770
Jeff Jizz,
306
00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:11,860
Spring Break and porn.
307
00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:14,320
Now, let me also tell you,
308
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:17,320
because I'm mentioning porn and Jeff Jizz,
309
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:19,030
this is not like a dirty place.
310
00:12:19,110 --> 00:12:21,650
Yes, it's open late.
Yes, there's alcoholics.
311
00:12:21,740 --> 00:12:24,490
But most of the time,
people are dancing to disco.
312
00:12:24,830 --> 00:12:26,170
You know, in the '80s from the...
313
00:12:26,250 --> 00:12:28,000
You know, whatever, okay.
314
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:30,330
It looks like
the movie Saturday Night Fever,
315
00:12:30,420 --> 00:12:32,300
which was a movie with John Travolta.
316
00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:34,300
Well, you might not know.
317
00:12:34,380 --> 00:12:38,180
You might not know jizz,
you might not know Saturday Night Fever.
318
00:12:38,260 --> 00:12:39,720
I don't know, you know?
319
00:12:40,430 --> 00:12:42,890
I'm just letting you...
John Travolta was an actor.
320
00:12:42,970 --> 00:12:44,390
[laughing]
321
00:12:44,850 --> 00:12:46,230
He still is an actor,
322
00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:49,610
but you probably don't go see his movies.
It's not a big thing for you.
323
00:12:49,690 --> 00:12:53,860
People your age, back then,
oh, went nuts for John Travolta.
324
00:12:53,940 --> 00:12:55,030
Now, you don't know.
325
00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:56,270
All right.
326
00:12:57,440 --> 00:12:58,270
Now,
327
00:12:59,450 --> 00:13:00,280
I...
328
00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:03,570
The next part,
I take responsibility for, okay?
329
00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:06,160
So no one's paying attention.
330
00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:07,370
I'm pretty much dying,
331
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:10,830
and I notice on my side of the bar
332
00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:12,420
are two couples making out.
333
00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:13,920
Like, making out hard.
334
00:13:14,420 --> 00:13:15,250
Okay?
335
00:13:15,630 --> 00:13:16,800
So I, um...
336
00:13:18,090 --> 00:13:19,880
say, "Hey, would you guys come up here?"
337
00:13:20,380 --> 00:13:22,590
And they come up and I go,
"Look, while I'm doing this,
338
00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:24,560
will you guys make out
on each side of me?"
339
00:13:25,390 --> 00:13:26,680
And they go, "Yeah." They do.
340
00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:28,600
They don't even say, "Yeah."
They just start.
341
00:13:29,230 --> 00:13:30,310
Now, let's recap.
342
00:13:30,770 --> 00:13:32,610
[audience laughs]
343
00:13:32,690 --> 00:13:37,200
Bar, alcoholics, dance floor,
disco ball, Jeff Jizz,
344
00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:39,910
Spring Break and porn,
345
00:13:39,990 --> 00:13:41,030
couples making out.
346
00:13:41,110 --> 00:13:43,320
Again, I'm responsible for the next part.
347
00:13:43,950 --> 00:13:46,910
I felt it wasn't going
the way I wanted it to.
348
00:13:46,990 --> 00:13:50,870
I wanted to up the ante, so I said,
"How about we have a dry-humping contest?"
349
00:13:52,870 --> 00:13:54,870
Well, before I could get an answer,
350
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:57,750
the guys are on the ground,
and they're on top grinding.
351
00:13:57,840 --> 00:13:59,050
The ladies are grinding.
352
00:13:59,130 --> 00:14:02,050
I want to establish, at no point,
did I offer a prize.
353
00:14:02,420 --> 00:14:04,380
[audience laughs]
354
00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:09,350
There's no prize whatsoever.
355
00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:11,100
There's no rules.
356
00:14:11,180 --> 00:14:14,020
I've given them no motivation to dry hump
357
00:14:14,100 --> 00:14:16,560
except that they're alcoholics
358
00:14:16,650 --> 00:14:18,780
dry humping for other alcoholics,
359
00:14:19,570 --> 00:14:22,110
helping a young comedian who's desperate.
360
00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:24,950
Now here's where the story gets weird.
361
00:14:25,030 --> 00:14:27,200
[audience laughs]
362
00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:32,380
I'm up on stage,
and I think I'm hallucinating, but I see,
363
00:14:32,660 --> 00:14:35,540
on the other side of the bar,
a giant bald man.
364
00:14:35,620 --> 00:14:37,160
Like, almost looks like he's floating.
365
00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:39,510
I'm like, "Am I seeing things?"
366
00:14:39,590 --> 00:14:41,300
I mean, a giant bald man.
367
00:14:43,090 --> 00:14:44,550
And they're grinding.
368
00:14:44,630 --> 00:14:45,840
Alcoholics,
369
00:14:46,340 --> 00:14:49,140
dance floor, disco ball, Jeff Jizz.
You get it, you know.
370
00:14:50,180 --> 00:14:51,350
I suddenly hear,
371
00:14:51,890 --> 00:14:53,560
"I'm gonna kill you.
372
00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:55,230
I'm gonna kill you."
373
00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:57,930
And I think to myself,
"Oh, fuck, a fight."
374
00:14:58,020 --> 00:14:58,980
You know?
375
00:15:00,070 --> 00:15:01,360
I turn to my left
376
00:15:01,690 --> 00:15:02,820
and there's a man...
377
00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:04,990
There's no fight. It's a man
378
00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:09,280
coming at me with a baseball bat,
like Thor.
379
00:15:09,370 --> 00:15:11,920
It appears that he wants to kill me.
380
00:15:13,500 --> 00:15:16,500
And then as he comes closer,
I see it's not a baseball bat.
381
00:15:16,580 --> 00:15:18,330
It's a giant rubber penis.
382
00:15:18,420 --> 00:15:21,170
[audience laughing]
383
00:15:21,250 --> 00:15:22,630
[laughing] And he's coming.
384
00:15:22,710 --> 00:15:24,880
And I, of course, begin to run.
385
00:15:26,180 --> 00:15:28,270
And he's chasing me around the club,
386
00:15:28,340 --> 00:15:30,430
and I can still feel it
on the back of my neck.
387
00:15:30,510 --> 00:15:33,220
The wind, you know. Voom, voom.
388
00:15:34,310 --> 00:15:35,310
Voom!
389
00:15:36,350 --> 00:15:38,350
Oh, it just completely...
390
00:15:39,060 --> 00:15:41,350
I still have goosebumps from it. Okay.
391
00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:44,690
So I run around the bar,
and then I see him.
392
00:15:44,780 --> 00:15:46,240
I go, "Oh, it's the bald man.
393
00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:47,860
He really exists. Giant bald man."
394
00:15:47,950 --> 00:15:49,870
And I run past him.
395
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:52,780
The other guy with the voom, voom,
396
00:15:53,370 --> 00:15:57,420
he comes running
and the big bald man grabs him
397
00:15:57,500 --> 00:15:59,710
like he's just a little log
398
00:16:00,210 --> 00:16:03,340
and throws him out the front door
into the Chicago winter,
399
00:16:03,420 --> 00:16:04,250
locks the door.
400
00:16:05,090 --> 00:16:06,300
He comes over to me,
401
00:16:06,380 --> 00:16:07,300
"You okay?"
402
00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:11,140
I go, "Yeah, I'm okay. That's so weird."
403
00:16:12,100 --> 00:16:13,810
"Yeah, that guy was trouble."
404
00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:16,190
I go, "Yeah." You know...
405
00:16:18,100 --> 00:16:19,810
He goes, "Hi, I'm Chris."
406
00:16:20,350 --> 00:16:23,850
I go, "Hi, Chris. I'm Jeff... Garlin."
407
00:16:24,730 --> 00:16:26,690
He goes, "Nice to meet you, Jeff Garlin."
408
00:16:26,780 --> 00:16:28,700
I go, "Yeah, thanks, Chris."
I go, "Chris...
409
00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:31,410
you look so familiar.
410
00:16:31,910 --> 00:16:34,200
Why do you look so familiar?
You look so familiar to me."
411
00:16:34,620 --> 00:16:35,620
He goes, "Well, I...
412
00:16:35,700 --> 00:16:39,410
You may know me by my, uh...
My name is King Kong Bundy.
413
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:43,920
And, uh, I go, "The wrestler?
The professional wrestler?
414
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:45,790
The famous fucking wrestler?
415
00:16:46,210 --> 00:16:48,960
You, King Kong Bundy, you saved me?
416
00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:52,300
[yelling] What the fuck? What the fuck?
417
00:16:52,390 --> 00:16:54,140
This is so fucking weird."
418
00:16:54,850 --> 00:16:58,150
And with that, Bill walks up
in his red tuxedo.
419
00:16:58,230 --> 00:17:00,150
He says, "All right, go on up and finish."
420
00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:01,980
I said, "Finish?"
421
00:17:02,060 --> 00:17:02,940
He goes,
422
00:17:03,020 --> 00:17:04,520
"Go on up and finish."
423
00:17:04,820 --> 00:17:06,280
I go, "Wait a second.
424
00:17:06,780 --> 00:17:08,200
Wait a second.
425
00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:10,030
They're still dry humping.
426
00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:13,870
Did you see what just happened?
That's quite a show.
427
00:17:13,950 --> 00:17:16,580
Do I really owe you more?"
428
00:17:16,660 --> 00:17:19,000
"Yeah. Do you wanna get paid?
Go finish." So...
429
00:17:19,620 --> 00:17:21,040
I'm standing there trying to decide,
430
00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:23,750
and he goes, "What's wrong?"
I go, "Well, you know,
431
00:17:23,830 --> 00:17:26,880
I'm trying to decide
if I wanna go outside and leave
432
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:30,130
'cause that guy might be waiting for me...
[laughs]
433
00:17:30,220 --> 00:17:32,680
with the penis and I don't want him
beating me with the..."
434
00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:35,010
So I went up and I finished.
435
00:17:35,100 --> 00:17:37,440
And by the way,
they could be dry humping to this day.
436
00:17:37,510 --> 00:17:40,220
They didn't... I didn't even talk to them.
437
00:17:40,310 --> 00:17:42,480
I leave and King Kong Bundy
walked me to my car.
438
00:17:42,850 --> 00:17:45,480
Which was also fucking weird
439
00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:48,060
that this great '80s wrestler
walked me to my car.
440
00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:50,440
And the whole way home,
I'm going, "King Kong Bundy saved me
441
00:17:50,530 --> 00:17:52,780
and walked me to my car. What is it?"
442
00:17:52,860 --> 00:17:54,990
And by the way, that is the weirdest story
443
00:17:55,070 --> 00:17:56,950
and nothing was changed.
444
00:17:57,370 --> 00:18:00,080
There's no innocent in that story
to be protected.
445
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:03,210
I might be the innocent
that needs protecting.
446
00:18:03,290 --> 00:18:04,290
It's, um...
447
00:18:04,370 --> 00:18:06,410
Wow. And, you know...
448
00:18:06,630 --> 00:18:07,460
Look,
449
00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:10,510
I'm at a point in my career where I think,
450
00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:13,380
"Oh, I'll never be fired.
How can I be fired?" You know.
451
00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:14,550
And, uh...
452
00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:17,310
By the way, almost fired
from The Goldbergs this past season.
453
00:18:17,390 --> 00:18:18,230
I was.
454
00:18:19,060 --> 00:18:21,560
A lot of days on The Goldbergs, I, um...
455
00:18:21,930 --> 00:18:25,640
I sit in a Barcalounger in tighty whities
456
00:18:25,730 --> 00:18:28,150
for the whole day, and I think to myself,
457
00:18:28,230 --> 00:18:30,020
"Who did I blow to get this job?"
458
00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:31,780
[audience laughing]
459
00:18:31,860 --> 00:18:33,990
Because... [laughing]
460
00:18:34,070 --> 00:18:35,320
It's true!
461
00:18:35,410 --> 00:18:39,080
I can't believe it. Then I'll go,
"Can someone get me an iced tea?"
462
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:40,790
And someone brings me an iced tea.
463
00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:42,870
So,
464
00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:46,210
no matter where I'm at,
you know, no matter where I am at,
465
00:18:46,290 --> 00:18:49,170
when I stand up, I always go,
"Ah, my vagina."
466
00:18:50,550 --> 00:18:52,550
"Ah, achy vagina."
467
00:18:52,630 --> 00:18:53,840
"My vagina's killing me."
468
00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:56,170
This particular day,
I don't know who it was,
469
00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:57,800
but one of the crew members
was offended,
470
00:18:58,390 --> 00:19:00,600
and they contacted Sony HR
471
00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:03,060
and, uh, I get called in,
472
00:19:03,140 --> 00:19:06,230
and they go, "Look, you can't do this."
and I go, "Oh, yes, I can."
473
00:19:07,690 --> 00:19:09,320
They go, "You might get fired."
474
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:12,190
I go, "I'd love to be fired
and have it hit the papers.
475
00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:14,570
Cover of TMZ:
476
00:19:14,650 --> 00:19:16,900
'Jeff Garlin Fired
Because His Vagina Hurts'."
477
00:19:16,990 --> 00:19:18,070
[audience laughing]
478
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:19,240
And I go, "No."
479
00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:20,740
And I gave...
480
00:19:20,830 --> 00:19:24,080
Hold on, I gave empathy
to the HR department.
481
00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:25,740
I go, "Look, I get it.
482
00:19:26,170 --> 00:19:28,630
If I was working at an insurance company,
483
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:31,500
and there's a bunch of desks,
and every time I stood up, I went,
484
00:19:31,590 --> 00:19:33,510
'Oh, my vagina!'
485
00:19:33,590 --> 00:19:35,590
That's wildly inappropriate.
486
00:19:35,670 --> 00:19:38,210
But I'm on a comedy, I'm a comedian.
487
00:19:38,300 --> 00:19:40,890
Let's get over. I don't have a vagina.
488
00:19:40,970 --> 00:19:43,350
I think everyone knows that."
489
00:19:43,430 --> 00:19:46,640
-Yeah.
-[audience applauding]
490
00:19:46,730 --> 00:19:48,110
Can I also add...
491
00:19:48,190 --> 00:19:49,230
Oh, may I add,
492
00:19:49,310 --> 00:19:51,600
I don't know why
women don't use that as an excuse.
493
00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:54,650
Seriously, you don't want
to go somewhere, just go,
494
00:19:54,740 --> 00:19:56,660
"Yeah, you know, my vagina's killing me.
495
00:19:56,740 --> 00:19:58,620
I can't make it."
496
00:19:58,700 --> 00:20:01,040
No man, no man will argue.
497
00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:02,500
No man will ever argue.
498
00:20:02,580 --> 00:20:05,370
We'll do everything we can
to get it back in working order.
499
00:20:06,660 --> 00:20:08,660
"What do you need? What do you want?
500
00:20:08,750 --> 00:20:10,920
Ice? Want me to go to the store?"
501
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:14,460
"No, just leave me alone."
"I'm leaving you alone. I'm outta here.
502
00:20:14,550 --> 00:20:16,800
That vagina's gotta get better!"
503
00:20:17,970 --> 00:20:18,800
Now,
504
00:20:19,550 --> 00:20:22,600
another thing that I think... I thought.
505
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:24,020
I remember watching Columbo
506
00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:26,810
and watching the murderer get arrested,
507
00:20:26,890 --> 00:20:28,930
and thinking,
"I'm not gonna get arrested. I'm 50.
508
00:20:29,020 --> 00:20:31,520
Another guy got arrested.
I'm not gonna get arrested."
509
00:20:32,060 --> 00:20:33,560
About a week later, I was arrested.
510
00:20:33,650 --> 00:20:36,240
-[audience laughs]
-[clears throat] Yes. Yes, yes.
511
00:20:36,650 --> 00:20:39,070
It happened in a parking lot
in Studio City,
512
00:20:39,490 --> 00:20:40,530
uh, California.
513
00:20:40,610 --> 00:20:42,530
And I was going to a drugstore
514
00:20:42,620 --> 00:20:44,580
to pick up
515
00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:47,540
ear infection medicine for one of my sons.
516
00:20:47,620 --> 00:20:50,250
And, um, the parking lot
517
00:20:50,330 --> 00:20:53,040
is one of those parking lots
where all the spaces are on an angle,
518
00:20:53,130 --> 00:20:55,680
so it's one way as you go around,
you know?
519
00:20:55,750 --> 00:20:58,880
And so I went all around the parking lot.
520
00:20:58,970 --> 00:20:59,890
It's packed.
521
00:21:00,550 --> 00:21:03,800
A million cars. I'm like,
"Oh, fuck, I'm never gonna get a space."
522
00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:06,520
I go, "Let's do it." I go one more time.
523
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:07,890
Words that haunt you.
524
00:21:09,770 --> 00:21:11,400
I do it another time.
525
00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:14,280
I see a space, some people coming,
it's opening up.
526
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,030
I turn my signal on,
527
00:21:16,110 --> 00:21:18,610
and I'm sitting there, and it's all set.
528
00:21:18,940 --> 00:21:21,230
[stammering] Two seconds later,
529
00:21:21,530 --> 00:21:23,660
okay, a...
530
00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:27,570
big Mercedes sedan pulls up,
going the wrong way.
531
00:21:28,290 --> 00:21:31,580
And for me, I'm going,
'cause I can't move,
532
00:21:31,670 --> 00:21:34,340
[yelling] "What are you doing?"
She can't hear me.
533
00:21:34,420 --> 00:21:35,710
"What are you doing?" You know.
534
00:21:35,790 --> 00:21:38,710
And she says, "I'm going in there."
535
00:21:39,260 --> 00:21:40,930
And I'm like, "How?"
536
00:21:41,260 --> 00:21:42,590
"I'm going in there."
537
00:21:42,680 --> 00:21:45,310
[yelling]
"You can't do that. How do you do that?"
538
00:21:45,390 --> 00:21:46,890
"I'm going in there."
539
00:21:47,390 --> 00:21:49,060
"There's no way."
540
00:21:49,140 --> 00:21:51,180
"I'm doing it. I'm going in there."
541
00:21:53,310 --> 00:21:57,730
The only way that she was
going to go into this space
542
00:21:57,820 --> 00:21:59,860
is if I got out of my car,
543
00:21:59,940 --> 00:22:02,940
told the eight cars behind me to back up,
544
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:05,200
and then I back up
545
00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:07,120
and she does a 30-point turn.
546
00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:08,290
[audience laughs]
547
00:22:08,370 --> 00:22:10,040
Yes, then the space can be hers.
548
00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:13,290
So, when the people pull out,
they pull out forward and they go out,
549
00:22:13,370 --> 00:22:15,580
so there's that angle ready for me.
She's there.
550
00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:20,210
And I wait a few beats
because I want to see if she's nuts.
551
00:22:20,300 --> 00:22:23,550
To me, she's already nuts,
but I want to see if she's bonus nuts.
552
00:22:25,260 --> 00:22:26,180
Holy shit.
553
00:22:26,260 --> 00:22:27,390
So I wait.
554
00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:29,270
She doesn't turn because she can't.
555
00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:32,020
I turn in... I love that you looked at me
and went, "Right."
556
00:22:33,770 --> 00:22:35,480
You know, but that's the feeling
that I want.
557
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:38,020
I want the feeling of like,
"Man, I'm just talking to you."
558
00:22:38,110 --> 00:22:39,360
[speaks indistinctly]
559
00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:41,730
It's a friendly conversation.
What's your name?
560
00:22:41,820 --> 00:22:43,570
-Jamie.
-Hey, Jamie. How are you?
561
00:22:43,650 --> 00:22:44,530
I'm good. How are you?
562
00:22:44,610 --> 00:22:46,950
Good. Thanks for coming to a show.
563
00:22:47,030 --> 00:22:49,820
Thank you. It's good to be here
in Chicago. Jamie's a good guy.
564
00:22:50,870 --> 00:22:52,410
Is that your girlfriend or your wife?
565
00:22:52,500 --> 00:22:53,750
Um, friend from college.
566
00:22:53,830 --> 00:22:54,870
Friend from college.
567
00:22:55,790 --> 00:22:56,670
[softly] Yeah.
568
00:22:56,750 --> 00:22:59,250
[audience laughing]
569
00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:00,800
Yeah.
570
00:23:01,090 --> 00:23:03,510
College was tough with her around,
wasn't it?
571
00:23:04,010 --> 00:23:07,010
Yeah, you're in college.
What's your name? Yeah, Lydia.
572
00:23:07,430 --> 00:23:10,270
Lydia, you think
your name is spelled "Lydia,"
573
00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:11,430
period.
574
00:23:11,850 --> 00:23:13,810
No, it's big glow-in-the-dark letters
575
00:23:13,890 --> 00:23:17,640
that say "Lydia" with an exclamation point
in his world.
576
00:23:17,730 --> 00:23:18,980
[audience laughs]
577
00:23:19,060 --> 00:23:19,940
You're "Lydia!"
578
00:23:20,020 --> 00:23:20,900
You're "Lydia!"
579
00:23:20,980 --> 00:23:22,570
Oh, that's Lydia!
580
00:23:22,650 --> 00:23:24,740
Oh, Jamie.
581
00:23:24,820 --> 00:23:25,900
That's Lydia!
582
00:23:26,410 --> 00:23:27,450
Jamie,
583
00:23:27,530 --> 00:23:29,780
I've been you only too many times.
584
00:23:30,950 --> 00:23:33,160
The torture of the unrequited love.
585
00:23:33,700 --> 00:23:35,580
Lydia, Lydia, Lydia...
586
00:23:36,210 --> 00:23:38,210
And does Lydia live here in Chicago?
587
00:23:38,630 --> 00:23:40,300
Oh, so it's a constant torture.
588
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:45,420
You thought it was gonna be over
after college.
589
00:23:45,510 --> 00:23:47,430
No, but now she lives in Pilsen.
590
00:23:47,510 --> 00:23:48,970
What the fuck is going on?
591
00:23:50,050 --> 00:23:52,220
What kind of torture are you dealing with?
592
00:23:52,760 --> 00:23:56,140
And Lydia's probably dating a guy
that's a douche.
593
00:23:56,230 --> 00:23:57,520
[audience laughs]
594
00:23:57,600 --> 00:24:00,100
There's a guy
that you're not too crazy about
595
00:24:00,190 --> 00:24:02,190
and Lydia thinks he's a great guy.
596
00:24:02,270 --> 00:24:03,440
We know he's a dick.
597
00:24:03,530 --> 00:24:04,660
And by the way,
598
00:24:05,360 --> 00:24:06,950
one day she will discover.
599
00:24:07,030 --> 00:24:08,780
Oh, Jamie, she will discover,
600
00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:10,910
but at that point, you'll have moved on.
601
00:24:11,830 --> 00:24:13,670
It will be too late for you, Lydia.
602
00:24:13,740 --> 00:24:16,200
Too fucking late to get Jamie.
603
00:24:16,290 --> 00:24:18,630
-But here's the sad part of it.
-[audience applauding]
604
00:24:18,710 --> 00:24:19,590
Hold on.
605
00:24:19,670 --> 00:24:20,750
Hold on.
606
00:24:21,420 --> 00:24:23,920
Don't think that Jamie wins.
607
00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:25,590
Yes, he's with someone else,
608
00:24:26,090 --> 00:24:28,090
but there will always be Lydia.
609
00:24:29,300 --> 00:24:31,890
No matter what goes on,
or how many kids you have.
610
00:24:31,970 --> 00:24:34,680
Lydia. Memories of Lydia.
611
00:24:35,890 --> 00:24:39,440
And then, on Facebook,
you'll reacquaint with one another.
612
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:40,440
[audience laughing]
613
00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:42,940
And then,
the conversations will get a little flirty
614
00:24:43,020 --> 00:24:44,860
and a little inappropriate.
615
00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:47,610
And Lydia, at this point,
you're married, too.
616
00:24:47,690 --> 00:24:49,070
You're both married.
617
00:24:49,150 --> 00:24:51,940
Yet it's flirty conversation
and you think...
618
00:24:52,030 --> 00:24:54,320
You think of what could be.
Then you find out
619
00:24:54,410 --> 00:24:57,040
you're both gonna be in Milwaukee
on a business trip.
620
00:24:57,120 --> 00:24:59,160
[audience laughing]
621
00:24:59,250 --> 00:25:00,420
Oh, my God.
622
00:25:00,500 --> 00:25:02,710
Jamie and Lydia are in Milwaukee.
623
00:25:03,250 --> 00:25:05,920
And you meet in a bar
and there's electricity in the air.
624
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:07,670
Jamie can't fucking believe it.
625
00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:09,680
Is it gonna happen finally with Lydia?
626
00:25:10,090 --> 00:25:13,260
And then Lydia, you get control of things
and you say, "Jamie,
627
00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:15,050
we both have good lives.
628
00:25:15,140 --> 00:25:16,180
Let's not ruin it."
629
00:25:17,470 --> 00:25:19,850
And Jamie looks at you and goes,
"You're right."
630
00:25:19,940 --> 00:25:21,730
On the inside he's going,
[screaming] "Fuck!
631
00:25:21,810 --> 00:25:22,850
Still...
632
00:25:22,940 --> 00:25:25,730
Still... Still, I don't get Lydia."
633
00:25:26,780 --> 00:25:27,700
And it ends there.
634
00:25:27,780 --> 00:25:28,860
It ends there.
635
00:25:28,990 --> 00:25:32,080
Yet, both of your significant others
think you fucked each other.
636
00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:34,530
So you got that to deal with.
637
00:25:34,620 --> 00:25:36,750
It's never gonna be clean.
That's my point.
638
00:25:36,830 --> 00:25:41,670
My point is it's never gonna be
what you want it to be.
639
00:25:42,330 --> 00:25:44,540
And I just wish the best for both of you.
640
00:25:44,630 --> 00:25:46,550
And Jamie is a good guy.
641
00:25:46,630 --> 00:25:48,630
So before all that shit happens,
642
00:25:49,130 --> 00:25:52,260
dump the asshole, go with Jamie,
643
00:25:52,340 --> 00:25:54,260
as of tonight, make out with him.
644
00:25:54,340 --> 00:25:57,470
-[cheering]
-Just make out.
645
00:25:58,220 --> 00:26:00,680
Making out is not a commitment,
646
00:26:00,770 --> 00:26:04,190
but you'll see how it feels,
and if he's not a good kisser, fuck him.
647
00:26:05,270 --> 00:26:07,940
He should be a good kisser.
It's his responsibility.
648
00:26:08,020 --> 00:26:08,900
And if he can't...
649
00:26:08,980 --> 00:26:11,360
But if he does kiss you nicely,
give him a shot.
650
00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:14,240
Give Jamie a shot.
Invite him down to Pilsen.
651
00:26:14,410 --> 00:26:15,910
[audience laughs]
652
00:26:16,530 --> 00:26:17,360
You know.
653
00:26:18,030 --> 00:26:19,200
[chuckles]
654
00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:21,370
All right. Thank you.
655
00:26:21,450 --> 00:26:23,700
-All right, so...
-[audience whooping and cheering]
656
00:26:23,790 --> 00:26:24,620
Thank you.
657
00:26:28,170 --> 00:26:29,010
Oh.
658
00:26:29,550 --> 00:26:30,380
So,
659
00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:31,670
okay.
660
00:26:32,220 --> 00:26:33,930
So I wait because she's nuts.
661
00:26:34,010 --> 00:26:36,850
We're back to the parking story.
You know where I'm at, okay.
662
00:26:36,930 --> 00:26:39,470
There was a little bit of a... Okay. So...
663
00:26:39,560 --> 00:26:41,060
I pull in the space.
664
00:26:41,140 --> 00:26:42,890
As I'm pulling in the space
665
00:26:43,230 --> 00:26:45,690
and I looked at her,
666
00:26:45,770 --> 00:26:46,770
she does this to me...
667
00:26:49,770 --> 00:26:51,610
And immediately I think to myself,
668
00:26:51,690 --> 00:26:54,070
"Is she making fun of me for being fat?
669
00:26:54,780 --> 00:26:57,070
Is this like a fat thing that she's doing?
670
00:26:57,160 --> 00:26:59,410
What the hell is she doing? This is crazy.
671
00:26:59,490 --> 00:27:00,580
Who does that?"
672
00:27:00,660 --> 00:27:03,080
I go right into righteous indignation.
673
00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:04,450
You know, right into it.
674
00:27:04,540 --> 00:27:06,380
And I'm furious. I can't believe it.
675
00:27:06,460 --> 00:27:08,670
So I'm thinking as I park,
"Why would she do that?
676
00:27:08,750 --> 00:27:11,250
That's so mean.
Why would she do that to me?
677
00:27:11,340 --> 00:27:14,800
Oh, the feelings it's bringing up.
This is horrible. I don't like it!"
678
00:27:14,880 --> 00:27:16,800
I get out of my car. She's still there,
679
00:27:16,890 --> 00:27:19,520
and people are honking at her.
She's created chaos.
680
00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:21,600
I go up to her window,
and I go, [yelling] "Hey!"
681
00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:23,560
Her window shatters.
682
00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:25,140
[audience laughs]
683
00:27:25,230 --> 00:27:27,360
Believe me, nobody's more shocked than me.
684
00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:31,650
Because believe me, I'm like,
"Where the fuck did that come from?"
685
00:27:31,730 --> 00:27:34,020
It's almost like a superhero origin story.
686
00:27:34,110 --> 00:27:36,860
You know, "When did you first realize
you had superpowers?"
687
00:27:36,950 --> 00:27:39,910
"Well, in order for me to become powerful,
688
00:27:39,990 --> 00:27:42,160
someone has to make fun of me
for being fat."
689
00:27:43,120 --> 00:27:45,370
That's how... That's my secret thing.
690
00:27:45,460 --> 00:27:47,090
You make fun of me for being fat,
691
00:27:47,170 --> 00:27:51,510
and then my right arm becomes
incredibly powerful. [laughs]
692
00:27:52,210 --> 00:27:54,420
Marvel has bought the rights.
693
00:27:55,550 --> 00:27:57,430
So... By the way, it doesn't fall on her,
694
00:27:57,510 --> 00:27:59,430
it's just like shattering right there,
695
00:27:59,510 --> 00:28:00,890
but still I'm freaked out
696
00:28:00,970 --> 00:28:02,890
and I back up and, uh...
697
00:28:02,970 --> 00:28:05,390
She gets out of her car,
"Why did you do that?
698
00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:07,820
Why did you do that?
What were you doing to me?
699
00:28:07,890 --> 00:28:09,890
[stammering] Why did you hit...
Why did you do that?"
700
00:28:09,980 --> 00:28:13,230
I go, "I am so sorry.
I didn't mean for that to happen.
701
00:28:13,320 --> 00:28:14,610
I'm so sorry.
702
00:28:14,690 --> 00:28:17,400
I will pay for your window. I'm sorry."
703
00:28:17,490 --> 00:28:19,530
And she goes, "Police! Police!"
704
00:28:19,610 --> 00:28:22,570
And I go, "I'm not gonna hurt you.
You can see I have a buffer zone.
705
00:28:22,660 --> 00:28:25,250
As you move closer to me, I move backward.
706
00:28:25,330 --> 00:28:27,710
I'm buffering. There's a buffer."
707
00:28:27,790 --> 00:28:30,460
And I'm explaining buffering to her.
708
00:28:30,540 --> 00:28:32,880
Her friend gets out of the car,
and I go to her friend, I go,
709
00:28:32,960 --> 00:28:35,000
"I'm so sorry," and she's screaming.
710
00:28:35,090 --> 00:28:37,630
And I give her friend my driver's license.
711
00:28:37,720 --> 00:28:39,720
And, uh... [chuckles]
712
00:28:40,590 --> 00:28:43,550
And I say,
"I'm so sorry. I'll pay for it."
713
00:28:43,640 --> 00:28:45,230
You know, and...
714
00:28:45,310 --> 00:28:47,480
So she's still screaming, "Police."
She's like...
715
00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:49,560
And you know, I get asked
716
00:28:50,060 --> 00:28:53,940
if I ever have any
Curb Your Enthusiasm moments.
717
00:28:54,570 --> 00:28:56,660
Like, times where I do something
718
00:28:56,740 --> 00:28:59,080
that's kind of Larry David-like.
719
00:28:59,360 --> 00:29:00,530
And the answer is "no."
720
00:29:00,610 --> 00:29:02,320
I'm me. I don't do that stuff.
721
00:29:02,410 --> 00:29:04,410
Larry imagines it, you know.
722
00:29:05,410 --> 00:29:07,660
But this was the one time I did.
723
00:29:08,660 --> 00:29:10,660
She's starting to calm down.
724
00:29:11,250 --> 00:29:13,540
She's calmed down,
and I walk up to her and I go,
725
00:29:13,630 --> 00:29:14,720
"Let me ask you a question."
726
00:29:15,590 --> 00:29:17,380
[audience laughs]
727
00:29:17,460 --> 00:29:19,880
[cheering and applauding]
728
00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:26,390
"Were you making fun of me for being fat?"
729
00:29:28,430 --> 00:29:30,020
She loses her shit.
730
00:29:30,100 --> 00:29:32,100
She comes charging at me and goes,
731
00:29:32,190 --> 00:29:35,320
"Yes, because you are fat,
and you have a small penis."
732
00:29:35,400 --> 00:29:37,190
[audience laughs]
733
00:29:37,280 --> 00:29:39,370
I'm like, "Oh, my. Wow."
734
00:29:39,740 --> 00:29:40,740
Wow, and so,
735
00:29:40,820 --> 00:29:42,820
she then begins a dance. She goes...
736
00:29:43,660 --> 00:29:45,370
[audience laughs]
737
00:29:45,910 --> 00:29:46,870
Right?
738
00:29:46,950 --> 00:29:48,490
No. And, uh...
739
00:29:48,910 --> 00:29:49,910
She's... [chuckles]
740
00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:52,210
She's doing a dance and I'm scared.
741
00:29:52,290 --> 00:29:54,880
And the buffer is not strong enough.
742
00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:57,630
And so I figure
I've given my driver's license.
743
00:29:57,710 --> 00:29:58,710
They have my information.
744
00:29:58,800 --> 00:30:01,800
It's not like wreck and run
or whatever you'd call it.
745
00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:04,220
I go into the drugstore
with the prescription.
746
00:30:04,300 --> 00:30:06,180
And I figure they'll be gone.
747
00:30:06,260 --> 00:30:08,850
Everyone will be calmed down.
It will be fine.
748
00:30:08,930 --> 00:30:10,890
I go in the drugstore. I'm a wreck.
749
00:30:10,980 --> 00:30:11,900
I'm nervous.
750
00:30:11,980 --> 00:30:16,360
I give my prescription to the pharmacist.
They say it will be about ten minutes.
751
00:30:16,770 --> 00:30:18,810
So immediately I go
to the food department...
752
00:30:18,900 --> 00:30:21,690
uh, to deal with my anxiety.
753
00:30:21,780 --> 00:30:23,530
And what I do is,
754
00:30:23,610 --> 00:30:25,530
I thought, "Let me be constructive here."
755
00:30:25,620 --> 00:30:28,040
I bought a bag of Twizzlers.
756
00:30:28,120 --> 00:30:28,960
A big bag.
757
00:30:29,040 --> 00:30:30,960
And a big bag of Red Vines
758
00:30:31,370 --> 00:30:33,870
and I did a compare and contrast.
759
00:30:34,170 --> 00:30:36,340
[audience laughs]
760
00:30:36,420 --> 00:30:37,460
[chuckles]
761
00:30:37,790 --> 00:30:39,580
I did and...
762
00:30:39,670 --> 00:30:41,420
By the way, both delightful.
763
00:30:41,510 --> 00:30:42,680
So enjoyable.
764
00:30:42,760 --> 00:30:44,470
I ate the whole bag, both bags.
765
00:30:44,550 --> 00:30:46,720
'Cause I just... Like a vacuum.
766
00:30:47,430 --> 00:30:49,310
But according to my calculations,
767
00:30:49,390 --> 00:30:52,140
Twizzlers wins 51 to 49%.
768
00:30:52,230 --> 00:30:54,610
And I'd say only because I'm from Chicago,
769
00:30:54,850 --> 00:30:56,390
and I'm more of a Twizzler person,
770
00:30:56,480 --> 00:30:59,070
but if I was from L.A., it would have been
the reverse score.
771
00:30:59,150 --> 00:31:01,990
That's all I'm saying.
As a Chicagoan, Twizzlers.
772
00:31:02,070 --> 00:31:03,410
All right, so...
773
00:31:05,660 --> 00:31:08,450
[chuckles] I have my sugar.
774
00:31:08,530 --> 00:31:10,070
I have my prescription.
775
00:31:10,160 --> 00:31:12,330
I go outside. Things have calmed down.
776
00:31:12,410 --> 00:31:14,500
Oh, it's quiet out there.
777
00:31:14,580 --> 00:31:17,790
There's nobody out there
except for the lady and a police car.
778
00:31:18,460 --> 00:31:20,710
And the lights are going. No siren.
779
00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:21,890
They're parked there.
780
00:31:22,460 --> 00:31:24,050
I go, "Oh shit, all right."
781
00:31:24,130 --> 00:31:26,340
So I go over, and I explain what happened,
782
00:31:26,430 --> 00:31:27,720
and I was arrested.
783
00:31:29,100 --> 00:31:31,140
The reason I was arrested was because
784
00:31:31,600 --> 00:31:36,150
they told me that if it was
a Toyota Corolla from, let's say, 1998,
785
00:31:36,810 --> 00:31:37,850
I wouldn't be arrested,
786
00:31:37,940 --> 00:31:41,110
but because it's a new Mercedes S-series,
787
00:31:41,730 --> 00:31:44,820
I am being arrested for felony vandalism.
788
00:31:45,280 --> 00:31:46,530
Oh, that's right.
789
00:31:46,610 --> 00:31:49,030
Felony fucking vandalism.
790
00:31:49,620 --> 00:31:51,910
And I get put into...
791
00:31:51,990 --> 00:31:54,620
I get handcuffed, I get put
into the back of the police car
792
00:31:54,700 --> 00:31:56,040
which does not have a seat.
793
00:31:56,120 --> 00:31:58,370
You think, "Oh, it's got a seat"
No, it does not.
794
00:31:58,460 --> 00:31:59,880
It has a plastic shelf.
795
00:31:59,960 --> 00:32:02,090
A hard-plastic shelf
796
00:32:02,170 --> 00:32:05,630
with no seat belt, which means,
you get in an accident, dead prisoner.
797
00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:08,350
Sorry. They get in the thing,
there's a chase...
798
00:32:08,430 --> 00:32:09,260
Dead prisoner.
799
00:32:09,340 --> 00:32:12,800
By the way, it's the kind of hard plastic
like on a kid's slide.
800
00:32:12,890 --> 00:32:15,810
You know, those little...
Really hard plastic. Just a very...
801
00:32:15,890 --> 00:32:17,980
And by the way, at no point do I say,
802
00:32:18,060 --> 00:32:20,730
"Do you know who I am?" Any of that shit.
803
00:32:20,810 --> 00:32:22,560
Fuck that. That's embarrassing.
804
00:32:22,650 --> 00:32:24,570
Although looking back, wish I had.
805
00:32:24,650 --> 00:32:26,280
[audience laughs]
806
00:32:26,990 --> 00:32:29,410
I'm also wishing for something weird.
807
00:32:29,740 --> 00:32:31,450
I never wish to be recognized.
808
00:32:31,530 --> 00:32:33,490
I'm honored if someone comes up to me
and says,
809
00:32:33,580 --> 00:32:36,170
"I dig you." Whatever, naked guy.
810
00:32:38,370 --> 00:32:41,000
[chuckles] But that being said,
811
00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:43,330
I never, "Oh, I hope that someone..."
812
00:32:43,420 --> 00:32:46,050
So all I'm thinking is that I hope
that one of the police officers
813
00:32:46,130 --> 00:32:48,590
at the police station is like,
"Oh, Jeff Garlin. What the fuck?
814
00:32:48,680 --> 00:32:50,930
Let's get him outta here." You know?
815
00:32:52,390 --> 00:32:53,930
So... I...
816
00:32:54,720 --> 00:32:56,220
I go to the police station.
817
00:32:56,310 --> 00:32:59,360
Not one police officer knows who I am.
Not one.
818
00:32:59,770 --> 00:33:01,560
However, every prisoner does.
819
00:33:01,650 --> 00:33:03,820
[laughing]
820
00:33:04,650 --> 00:33:08,150
If they've got cuffs on
or they're in a cell,
821
00:33:08,240 --> 00:33:10,370
they know me, you know?
822
00:33:10,450 --> 00:33:13,500
And, uh... "Hey, what are you doing here?
I can't believe it."
823
00:33:13,570 --> 00:33:14,950
I go, "Felony vandalism."
824
00:33:15,030 --> 00:33:16,820
And they go, "Oh!" "How about you?"
825
00:33:16,910 --> 00:33:19,540
"I was naked in the park.
I love your show.
826
00:33:19,620 --> 00:33:21,540
I love your show."
827
00:33:22,750 --> 00:33:25,880
So they put me in a cell, and...
828
00:33:26,210 --> 00:33:28,630
By myself, 'cause they see
the other prisoners...
829
00:33:28,720 --> 00:33:30,640
There's excitement.
"Let's keep this guy away."
830
00:33:30,720 --> 00:33:33,810
So, about ten hours later,
they let me leave.
831
00:33:33,890 --> 00:33:36,440
They have to send your prints
to Washington
832
00:33:36,510 --> 00:33:38,100
to make sure you're not a terrorist.
833
00:33:38,850 --> 00:33:39,850
And then...
834
00:33:40,180 --> 00:33:44,140
I get sent out the back
because my entertainment lawyer
835
00:33:44,230 --> 00:33:46,270
has hired a criminal lawyer,
836
00:33:46,360 --> 00:33:48,150
and they're there to drive me home,
837
00:33:48,230 --> 00:33:51,730
and I realize that when I...
838
00:33:51,820 --> 00:33:53,030
[chuckles]
839
00:33:53,110 --> 00:33:56,820
I'm going home and I'm kinda thinking,
"Maybe I should stay here in prison,
840
00:33:56,910 --> 00:33:59,910
um, 'cause I know when I get home
841
00:34:00,000 --> 00:34:03,210
that somebody's not gonna
be pleased to see me."
842
00:34:03,290 --> 00:34:06,670
And I will not...
"Oh, what happened? Are you okay?"
843
00:34:06,750 --> 00:34:09,090
And I know my wife's
gonna just fucking hate me
844
00:34:09,880 --> 00:34:11,840
and blame me and blame me.
845
00:34:11,920 --> 00:34:14,550
Because, by the way,
let me say this to you, and I mean this,
846
00:34:14,640 --> 00:34:17,770
some people say the first year of marriage
is the toughest.
847
00:34:18,310 --> 00:34:19,770
I say the last year is.
848
00:34:19,850 --> 00:34:22,600
-[audience laughs]
-Um...
849
00:34:22,690 --> 00:34:23,860
-[audience applauds]
-Yeah.
850
00:34:25,560 --> 00:34:27,270
All right, where was I in the story?
851
00:34:27,360 --> 00:34:28,570
Oh, so...
852
00:34:28,980 --> 00:34:30,650
they dropped the charges.
853
00:34:30,740 --> 00:34:32,660
Okay? My lawyer says,
854
00:34:32,740 --> 00:34:35,950
"Look, they dropped the charges,
but you have to see the city attorney.
855
00:34:36,030 --> 00:34:37,700
Wants to make sure you're not an asshole."
856
00:34:37,780 --> 00:34:40,320
And I'm like, "I'm not an asshole."
857
00:34:40,410 --> 00:34:43,000
I'm not creepy, and I'm not an asshole."
858
00:34:43,540 --> 00:34:47,670
Uh, he says, "And you should go
to anger management before you see him."
859
00:34:47,750 --> 00:34:49,380
I'm like, "Anger management?
860
00:34:49,840 --> 00:34:51,840
Like people sitting in a circle?"
861
00:34:51,920 --> 00:34:55,130
"No, no. It's one-on-one."
I go, "But I don't have an anger problem."
862
00:34:55,220 --> 00:34:58,720
He goes, "Whether you do or don't,
go to anger management.
863
00:34:58,810 --> 00:35:00,480
It will look better for you."
864
00:35:00,560 --> 00:35:02,270
So I go to anger management,
865
00:35:02,350 --> 00:35:03,770
and I discovered something.
866
00:35:04,440 --> 00:35:05,940
I don't have an anger problem.
867
00:35:06,400 --> 00:35:08,610
It was clear.
But you know what I discovered?
868
00:35:08,690 --> 00:35:09,900
I have an ego problem.
869
00:35:10,780 --> 00:35:13,200
Not an ego problem
in terms of that I'm so great.
870
00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:16,450
An ego problem
that I get into righteous indignation
871
00:35:16,530 --> 00:35:18,120
if someone insults me.
872
00:35:18,200 --> 00:35:19,540
So what I learned is
873
00:35:19,620 --> 00:35:23,210
that humbleness and confidence
are delightful.
874
00:35:23,290 --> 00:35:24,130
That's the way to go.
875
00:35:24,210 --> 00:35:26,380
Strange bedfellows.
You think they don't belong together.
876
00:35:26,460 --> 00:35:29,920
Oh, but they do,
'cause ego doesn't do shit.
877
00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:32,090
And I gotta be honest. I would...
878
00:35:32,960 --> 00:35:36,000
No kidding around, I would go through
the whole arrest thing again,
879
00:35:36,090 --> 00:35:37,630
and it was horrifying for me.
880
00:35:37,720 --> 00:35:39,930
And it pretty much destroyed my marriage.
[laughs]
881
00:35:40,010 --> 00:35:42,890
But I would... [laughs]
882
00:35:42,970 --> 00:35:45,390
I would go through it again
to learn that lesson
883
00:35:45,480 --> 00:35:47,900
about humbleness and confidence
'cause it's delightful.
884
00:35:47,980 --> 00:35:49,190
And I also learned that
885
00:35:49,270 --> 00:35:51,360
I thought I could eliminate ego,
886
00:35:51,440 --> 00:35:54,150
but no, we all have it.
It's in all of us, you know.
887
00:35:54,240 --> 00:35:56,830
You just gotta recognize it
and go, "No, thank you."
888
00:35:56,900 --> 00:35:59,400
Like, if you're doing something,
go, "Why am I doing this?"
889
00:35:59,490 --> 00:36:02,450
or "Why did I do this?" Learn from it.
I'm just... You know.
890
00:36:03,240 --> 00:36:04,580
Anyhow, you know...
891
00:36:05,160 --> 00:36:07,870
Parents hear...
You hear this from parents all the time.
892
00:36:07,960 --> 00:36:11,670
We do mean it, and until you have a child,
you think it's fucking stupid.
893
00:36:11,750 --> 00:36:14,800
When I was little, I thought it was stupid
when I'd hear my parents say it.
894
00:36:15,210 --> 00:36:17,340
Which is, "You'd die for your children."
895
00:36:17,430 --> 00:36:19,140
"You'd die for your kids."
896
00:36:19,220 --> 00:36:21,890
But the bigger question for me
897
00:36:21,970 --> 00:36:25,520
wasn't, "Would I die for my children?"
898
00:36:26,230 --> 00:36:30,440
But, "Would I live for my children?"
"Would I live for my children?"
899
00:36:30,520 --> 00:36:34,650
I say that because I'm an addict,
and my problem is, uh...
900
00:36:34,730 --> 00:36:36,060
was milkshakes,
901
00:36:36,150 --> 00:36:38,860
and cookies, and cake,
902
00:36:38,950 --> 00:36:39,950
and ice cream.
903
00:36:40,030 --> 00:36:43,370
Like, all that shit.
Let me tell you something,
904
00:36:43,450 --> 00:36:45,790
I haven't had sugar
for about almost two years.
905
00:36:45,870 --> 00:36:47,290
And let me tell you a little secret.
906
00:36:47,370 --> 00:36:49,960
It's not hard.
The first two weeks are fucking hell.
907
00:36:50,420 --> 00:36:54,010
And then after that, it's delightful.
You know what, I don't miss any of it
908
00:36:54,090 --> 00:36:55,090
except ice cream.
909
00:36:55,590 --> 00:36:59,180
Ice cream is like one of those things
that's just so fucking perfect.
910
00:36:59,260 --> 00:37:01,680
And it's a sensation, and it's like...
911
00:37:01,760 --> 00:37:03,470
To me, ice cream is proof of God.
912
00:37:04,600 --> 00:37:07,020
If you're an atheist,
you've never had ice cream.
913
00:37:08,020 --> 00:37:11,270
'Cause you would eat ice cream and go,
"Yeah, there's a god. There's a god."
914
00:37:11,350 --> 00:37:14,060
I think atheists don't have sex
or ice cream.
915
00:37:14,150 --> 00:37:16,400
That's my opinion. You want my opinion?
916
00:37:17,440 --> 00:37:19,780
They... No atheist has had an orgasm
917
00:37:19,860 --> 00:37:22,200
or a bowl of chocolate chip ice cream.
918
00:37:22,660 --> 00:37:23,700
Uh...
919
00:37:23,780 --> 00:37:26,740
I'm not against atheists.
That's your choice, but you're wrong
920
00:37:26,830 --> 00:37:29,290
because of ice cream and sex.
921
00:37:29,370 --> 00:37:30,700
And the birth of children.
922
00:37:30,790 --> 00:37:32,540
And I dream of two of those.
923
00:37:32,630 --> 00:37:35,840
It would be weird
if I dreamed of the birth of my children.
924
00:37:36,250 --> 00:37:39,250
"What did you dream about?"
"My kids were born. It was delightful."
925
00:37:39,340 --> 00:37:41,630
No, but I do dream
about ice cream and sex.
926
00:37:41,720 --> 00:37:45,220
I sometimes wake up from a dream,
[yelling] "Ah! I had ice cream."
927
00:37:45,300 --> 00:37:47,760
And I'm upset
because it ruins my sobriety,
928
00:37:47,850 --> 00:37:50,940
but I go,
"Oh, thank God, I didn't have ice cream.
929
00:37:51,020 --> 00:37:53,690
Other times I wake up in the morning,
[yelling] "Ah! I had sex!"
930
00:37:53,770 --> 00:37:56,730
and then I go,
"Uh, no, I didn't have sex."
931
00:37:57,610 --> 00:37:59,280
[chuckles] You understand what I'm saying?
932
00:38:00,280 --> 00:38:02,200
So, what I'd like to do right now
933
00:38:02,530 --> 00:38:04,370
is take you on the journey.
934
00:38:04,820 --> 00:38:07,820
The journey with me
to see where I started at
935
00:38:08,200 --> 00:38:11,120
and see how I got to a place of sobriety.
936
00:38:11,370 --> 00:38:13,250
And I think... I hope you dig it.
937
00:38:13,580 --> 00:38:15,710
Let's start with me in my 20s.
938
00:38:15,790 --> 00:38:16,620
Okay?
939
00:38:16,710 --> 00:38:18,340
I'm 25 years old.
940
00:38:18,420 --> 00:38:21,260
I get hired to be in a movie,
Robocop 3.
941
00:38:21,340 --> 00:38:22,220
The good one.
942
00:38:22,550 --> 00:38:23,930
[audience laughs]
943
00:38:24,430 --> 00:38:26,520
The one we all watch over the holidays.
944
00:38:26,890 --> 00:38:29,270
The one that brings families together.
[laughs]
945
00:38:29,770 --> 00:38:32,650
"I never talked to my brother
until I saw Robocop 3.
946
00:38:33,020 --> 00:38:34,230
Thank you, Jeff Garlin."
947
00:38:34,810 --> 00:38:36,650
And in Robocop 3,
948
00:38:36,730 --> 00:38:40,030
I played the doughnut guy.
The guy at the doughnut shop.
949
00:38:40,110 --> 00:38:43,700
The doughnut jerk to be specific,
like a soda jerk.
950
00:38:43,780 --> 00:38:45,620
That's where they got the name from.
951
00:38:45,700 --> 00:38:47,830
A doughnut jerk serving the doughnuts.
952
00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:50,490
Now, I'm wearing my doughnut costume,
953
00:38:50,580 --> 00:38:52,750
which is an apron, t-shirt, jeans.
954
00:38:52,830 --> 00:38:57,460
And I'm standing in a doughnut shop,
a real doughnut shop in Atlanta, and...
955
00:38:58,880 --> 00:39:01,380
and there's a glass case in front me,
a glass case behind me
956
00:39:01,460 --> 00:39:02,340
filled with doughnuts.
957
00:39:02,420 --> 00:39:04,130
And I figured they're not real doughnuts,
958
00:39:04,220 --> 00:39:08,600
and I say to one of the crew members,
I go, "Are these doughnuts real?"
959
00:39:08,680 --> 00:39:11,560
He goes, "Yeah, they just baked them.
They're all fresh."
960
00:39:12,560 --> 00:39:14,190
I forgot I was in a movie.
961
00:39:14,270 --> 00:39:15,610
[audience laughs]
962
00:39:16,150 --> 00:39:18,820
I was just like, "What the hell?
963
00:39:19,150 --> 00:39:20,190
Wow!
964
00:39:20,480 --> 00:39:21,940
Wow!"
965
00:39:22,860 --> 00:39:25,320
And then I realize again
that I'm in the movie, "What do I do?"
966
00:39:25,400 --> 00:39:28,200
I'm trying to work the whole thing out,
so I come up with this idea.
967
00:39:28,280 --> 00:39:29,820
Oh, fucking brilliant.
968
00:39:30,280 --> 00:39:31,410
I say, um...
969
00:39:31,870 --> 00:39:33,370
I ask one of the crew members. I go,
970
00:39:33,450 --> 00:39:36,290
"Would you ask the director?
I want to be the doughnut guy
971
00:39:36,370 --> 00:39:38,620
who eats doughnuts
while he's selling them."
972
00:39:39,840 --> 00:39:41,220
And then I get the word,
973
00:39:41,300 --> 00:39:43,840
"Yes, the director says
that will be fine."
974
00:39:43,920 --> 00:39:45,510
I'm like, "Look at me.
975
00:39:45,590 --> 00:39:47,010
Look at me."
976
00:39:47,130 --> 00:39:49,720
Because by the way,
I would have flown to Atlanta
977
00:39:49,800 --> 00:39:51,390
if someone just offered free doughnuts.
978
00:39:52,140 --> 00:39:55,390
"Come on down." I wouldn't have noticed
I paid for a fucking ticket
979
00:39:55,480 --> 00:39:57,070
to go down, but free doughnuts.
980
00:39:57,140 --> 00:39:58,430
I gotta experience that.
981
00:39:59,150 --> 00:40:01,280
So, we start filming a little after 7:00,
982
00:40:01,730 --> 00:40:03,730
and we film 12 hours,
983
00:40:03,940 --> 00:40:06,190
and every scene
I'm fucking eating the doughnuts.
984
00:40:06,700 --> 00:40:10,200
And at the end of the night,
I realize, 'cause I counted,
985
00:40:10,280 --> 00:40:12,120
I'd had 36 doughnuts.
986
00:40:12,200 --> 00:40:14,200
-[audience laughs]
-Oh, yes.
987
00:40:14,290 --> 00:40:16,170
Thirty-six doughnuts.
988
00:40:16,250 --> 00:40:18,590
And by the way,
here's what a sick fuck I was,
989
00:40:19,130 --> 00:40:20,800
the 36th doughnut...
990
00:40:20,880 --> 00:40:22,630
tasted as good as the first doughnut.
991
00:40:23,710 --> 00:40:25,550
No difference along the way.
992
00:40:25,800 --> 00:40:27,050
The joy...
993
00:40:27,130 --> 00:40:31,010
The joy that I had with the doughnuts!
994
00:40:31,100 --> 00:40:34,350
Oh, I was so happy
with the doughnuts. Okay.
995
00:40:35,180 --> 00:40:37,850
So, about 12 hours later, we're done.
996
00:40:37,940 --> 00:40:42,110
And, uh, we're in a van, a pass van,
to take us back to our hotel,
997
00:40:42,190 --> 00:40:45,570
and the guy who played the bad guy
in the scene says to me, he goes,
998
00:40:45,650 --> 00:40:46,860
"Are you okay?"
999
00:40:47,570 --> 00:40:48,530
And I go, "Why?"
1000
00:40:48,610 --> 00:40:51,030
He goes, "Well, you look like a ghost.
1001
00:40:51,120 --> 00:40:55,830
Your face is all sweaty and pasty,
and you look terrible."
1002
00:40:55,910 --> 00:40:58,120
And I'm like,
"I don't feel so good.
1003
00:41:00,750 --> 00:41:02,000
I don't feel good."
1004
00:41:02,080 --> 00:41:05,330
And he goes, "What's the matter?"
I go, "I ate 36 doughnuts."
1005
00:41:05,420 --> 00:41:06,800
[audience laughs]
1006
00:41:06,880 --> 00:41:09,510
Everyone in the van, including the driver,
1007
00:41:09,590 --> 00:41:12,130
"You ate 36 doughnuts?
Who the hell eats 36 doughnuts?"
1008
00:41:12,220 --> 00:41:16,140
I go, "Don't mention it.
I'm so sick. I want to go to my room.
1009
00:41:16,220 --> 00:41:17,720
[whimpers] I just... I'm so sick."
1010
00:41:17,810 --> 00:41:19,940
So the bad guy goes,
"What room are you in?"
1011
00:41:20,020 --> 00:41:22,480
I tell him what room I'm in,
and then he says,
1012
00:41:23,110 --> 00:41:24,200
"Just wait for me there."
1013
00:41:24,270 --> 00:41:26,730
And I'm hoping he brings me
some Alka-Seltzer.
1014
00:41:27,070 --> 00:41:29,700
Seems like a three-Alka-Seltzer night.
A pack and a half.
1015
00:41:30,650 --> 00:41:31,990
And he comes to my room,
1016
00:41:32,450 --> 00:41:34,200
and he rolls a joint.
1017
00:41:34,870 --> 00:41:37,040
He gives it to me, he lights it,
and he says,
1018
00:41:37,120 --> 00:41:38,370
"Take a few hits of this."
1019
00:41:39,210 --> 00:41:41,380
I took like two hits.
That's all I remember.
1020
00:41:41,460 --> 00:41:42,920
I slept for 12 hours.
1021
00:41:43,710 --> 00:41:44,590
I did.
1022
00:41:44,920 --> 00:41:47,590
Woke up, felt fine,
went out for fried chicken.
1023
00:41:47,960 --> 00:41:49,840
[audience laughing]
1024
00:41:51,510 --> 00:41:54,470
By the way, and pie. Ate some apple pie.
1025
00:41:54,970 --> 00:41:57,890
Yes, and I was fine.
That's what a sick fuck I was.
1026
00:41:57,970 --> 00:41:58,800
Now,
1027
00:41:58,890 --> 00:42:01,640
let's move... let's move
1028
00:42:01,730 --> 00:42:02,860
to the next decade,
1029
00:42:02,940 --> 00:42:04,020
my late-30s.
1030
00:42:04,100 --> 00:42:06,440
I'm married. I have two children,
1031
00:42:06,520 --> 00:42:08,860
and my wife sends me to Costco.
1032
00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:12,570
And on the way to Costco,
is a Krispy Kreme Doughnuts.
1033
00:42:13,700 --> 00:42:17,000
Yes, and I played a little game.
1034
00:42:17,450 --> 00:42:20,040
If the light was on that said
1035
00:42:20,120 --> 00:42:22,870
they were warm and fresh and ready,
1036
00:42:22,960 --> 00:42:24,250
I stopped.
1037
00:42:24,330 --> 00:42:25,540
No light,
1038
00:42:25,630 --> 00:42:26,840
off to Costco.
1039
00:42:28,000 --> 00:42:29,170
However,
1040
00:42:29,840 --> 00:42:32,220
I discovered
that if you go around the block
1041
00:42:32,630 --> 00:42:35,720
once, maybe twice, the light comes on.
1042
00:42:35,840 --> 00:42:37,130
[audience laughs]
1043
00:42:37,600 --> 00:42:39,440
I'm not saying there's a sensor.
1044
00:42:39,520 --> 00:42:41,650
Maybe they recognize...
"It's Jeff Garlin!
1045
00:42:41,730 --> 00:42:43,770
He once had 36 doughnuts!" [laughs]
1046
00:42:43,850 --> 00:42:46,310
"We need to make our quota.
Turn the light on."
1047
00:42:47,770 --> 00:42:48,600
So,
1048
00:42:49,280 --> 00:42:51,280
I go in, and no,
1049
00:42:51,650 --> 00:42:53,860
I don't eat 36 doughnuts anymore.
1050
00:42:53,950 --> 00:42:55,990
I've got responsibilities.
I've got children.
1051
00:42:56,070 --> 00:42:59,620
I don't even eat six doughnuts. Why?
'Cause there's a title for it: half dozen.
1052
00:42:59,740 --> 00:43:01,080
There's a name for it.
1053
00:43:01,160 --> 00:43:03,500
By the way, you have kids, you're in 30s,
1054
00:43:03,580 --> 00:43:06,000
who has a half dozen doughnuts?
You're a pig, you know?
1055
00:43:07,250 --> 00:43:10,210
But never in my life, at this point,
have I ever had
1056
00:43:10,550 --> 00:43:11,510
a single doughnut.
1057
00:43:11,590 --> 00:43:13,800
I've never had one.
I don't even know what that's like.
1058
00:43:13,880 --> 00:43:16,720
I know how to start.
Like when I have the first doughnut,
1059
00:43:16,800 --> 00:43:19,850
it's never going to be a single doughnut.
It's on its way to a journey.
1060
00:43:20,220 --> 00:43:21,470
[audience laughs]
1061
00:43:22,470 --> 00:43:24,430
Two doughnuts is a couple,
1062
00:43:24,690 --> 00:43:26,190
but it's also "some."
1063
00:43:27,400 --> 00:43:31,280
"Some" is also three, four and five.
1064
00:43:31,860 --> 00:43:35,320
So, I eat the most under the "some" label,
1065
00:43:35,900 --> 00:43:37,190
which is five.
1066
00:43:37,740 --> 00:43:39,450
So, if I say I had some doughnuts,
1067
00:43:39,530 --> 00:43:41,660
people will think,
"Oh, he had a couple doughnuts."
1068
00:43:42,790 --> 00:43:43,960
[softly] Five.
1069
00:43:45,120 --> 00:43:47,330
And I always get the same: glazed.
1070
00:43:47,420 --> 00:43:49,460
Delightful, delightful.
1071
00:43:49,880 --> 00:43:52,260
And I get the glazed doughnuts
and I get a...
1072
00:43:52,340 --> 00:43:55,180
non-fat skim milk, you know, and...
1073
00:43:55,260 --> 00:43:58,390
Well, I like the flavor,
but also you cut calories where you can.
1074
00:43:58,470 --> 00:43:59,640
[audience laughs]
1075
00:44:00,220 --> 00:44:02,930
And I sit down, and I'm enjoying it.
1076
00:44:03,220 --> 00:44:06,020
They have a little dining area
at Krispy Kreme. [laughs]
1077
00:44:06,100 --> 00:44:08,020
It's so crazy that they did that.
1078
00:44:08,100 --> 00:44:10,100
I look across and there's a gentleman
1079
00:44:10,190 --> 00:44:13,400
and that gentleman may be having "some,"
or a half dozen.
1080
00:44:13,480 --> 00:44:14,440
I don't know.
1081
00:44:15,530 --> 00:44:17,490
But what I see, and I'm judging him,
1082
00:44:17,570 --> 00:44:18,660
I have to admit it,
1083
00:44:18,740 --> 00:44:21,660
I'm going, "That fucker is eating
all chocolate doughnuts."
1084
00:44:21,950 --> 00:44:24,660
And at Krispy Kreme,
they put chocolate over the glaze.
1085
00:44:24,750 --> 00:44:26,130
It's just... wrong.
1086
00:44:26,750 --> 00:44:29,090
And I'm going,
"What kind of pig? Look at him."
1087
00:44:30,540 --> 00:44:34,170
And then as I take a closer look,
I notice...
1088
00:44:34,710 --> 00:44:37,510
he's drinking chocolate milk
1089
00:44:37,590 --> 00:44:39,510
with his chocolate doughnuts.
1090
00:44:39,590 --> 00:44:42,550
I lose a gasket.
I'm like, "What the fuck?
1091
00:44:42,890 --> 00:44:45,730
Who does that? What kind of pig is he?
1092
00:44:45,810 --> 00:44:47,850
Sloth. Piece of shit!"
1093
00:44:48,390 --> 00:44:49,970
I'm like really judging him.
1094
00:44:50,060 --> 00:44:53,230
And I'm starting to get...
As I get angry, I'm getting higher.
1095
00:44:53,570 --> 00:44:55,280
I'm like, [wearily] "Oh, fuck, man.
1096
00:44:56,320 --> 00:44:57,740
Oh, fuck.
1097
00:44:58,530 --> 00:44:59,990
I'm so tired.
1098
00:45:00,950 --> 00:45:02,540
Oh, fuck.
1099
00:45:03,490 --> 00:45:04,780
Yeah, I gotta get home.
1100
00:45:05,450 --> 00:45:07,910
I'm so out of it."
'Cause I found out, by the way,
1101
00:45:08,000 --> 00:45:10,960
a few years earlier
that I had a sugar sensitivity
1102
00:45:11,040 --> 00:45:12,130
called diabetes.
1103
00:45:12,540 --> 00:45:14,210
[audience laughs]
1104
00:45:14,290 --> 00:45:15,130
And...
1105
00:45:15,210 --> 00:45:19,090
[chuckles] And, no, that didn't stop me.
1106
00:45:19,550 --> 00:45:21,430
That did not stop me.
1107
00:45:21,510 --> 00:45:23,010
No, I kept going.
1108
00:45:23,760 --> 00:45:25,140
Then I go home,
1109
00:45:25,220 --> 00:45:28,850
and I get there, and my wife would say,
"Where's the stuff from Costco?"
1110
00:45:29,390 --> 00:45:30,220
And...
1111
00:45:30,310 --> 00:45:32,190
[audience laughing]
1112
00:45:32,270 --> 00:45:33,690
[chuckles] I'd realize...
1113
00:45:33,980 --> 00:45:35,730
And then I'd sleep for 12 hours,
1114
00:45:36,230 --> 00:45:37,650
and I'd wake up.
1115
00:45:37,740 --> 00:45:39,160
And it wasn't pleasant.
1116
00:45:39,450 --> 00:45:41,290
There was no fried chicken waiting for me.
1117
00:45:42,320 --> 00:45:44,740
It wasn't good.
And, by the way, I was at fault.
1118
00:45:44,830 --> 00:45:45,750
Huh.
1119
00:45:46,200 --> 00:45:47,490
I'm in my 40s,
1120
00:45:47,580 --> 00:45:49,250
doing Curb Your Enthusiasm,
1121
00:45:49,580 --> 00:45:51,790
and I get invited to a lot of...
1122
00:45:53,330 --> 00:45:54,870
celebrity golf tournaments.
1123
00:45:55,380 --> 00:45:56,760
I'm not a real golfer.
1124
00:45:56,840 --> 00:45:58,880
I play it when on Curb,
1125
00:45:58,960 --> 00:46:01,090
but I play nine holes on occasion.
1126
00:46:01,180 --> 00:46:03,270
I take golf lessons,
but I'm not really a golfer,
1127
00:46:03,340 --> 00:46:05,630
but I'll go occasionally
to these tournaments.
1128
00:46:05,720 --> 00:46:08,560
Whatever they are,
celebrity things for charity.
1129
00:46:08,640 --> 00:46:09,480
And...
1130
00:46:09,850 --> 00:46:11,690
this particular one,
1131
00:46:11,770 --> 00:46:13,150
every hole...
1132
00:46:13,560 --> 00:46:15,690
they have Krispy Kreme doughnuts.
1133
00:46:17,440 --> 00:46:20,490
Served by a Playboy Playmate...
1134
00:46:21,280 --> 00:46:22,320
in a bikini.
1135
00:46:23,070 --> 00:46:23,990
Oh, yes.
1136
00:46:24,700 --> 00:46:26,990
Oh, fucking yes.
1137
00:46:27,700 --> 00:46:28,910
[sighs deeply]
1138
00:46:30,910 --> 00:46:33,000
So, 17 holes.
1139
00:46:33,870 --> 00:46:35,540
I don't talk to a Playmate,
1140
00:46:36,170 --> 00:46:37,550
and I don't eat a doughnut.
1141
00:46:38,000 --> 00:46:40,090
Look at me. Look at me.
1142
00:46:40,590 --> 00:46:42,010
Then I make a decision.
1143
00:46:43,010 --> 00:46:44,390
And my decision is this:
1144
00:46:44,890 --> 00:46:46,060
It's the 18th hole.
1145
00:46:46,850 --> 00:46:48,640
"You've never had one doughnut.
1146
00:46:49,220 --> 00:46:50,890
You don't know what that's like.
1147
00:46:51,310 --> 00:46:52,350
Try one doughnut.
1148
00:46:52,730 --> 00:46:55,900
See what it's like to have one
and live like normal humans.
1149
00:46:55,980 --> 00:46:57,570
Have one doughnut."
1150
00:46:58,520 --> 00:47:00,020
So I go over to the Playmate,
1151
00:47:00,480 --> 00:47:01,690
have a little conversation.
1152
00:47:01,780 --> 00:47:03,070
By the way, we're still friends.
1153
00:47:05,200 --> 00:47:06,120
It's true.
1154
00:47:06,530 --> 00:47:07,860
She gives me my doughnut.
1155
00:47:08,240 --> 00:47:09,780
I, uh...
1156
00:47:10,870 --> 00:47:11,910
take my doughnut,
1157
00:47:12,410 --> 00:47:14,250
open my mouth, go to take a bite,
1158
00:47:14,330 --> 00:47:15,790
a bee flies in my mouth
1159
00:47:15,870 --> 00:47:18,410
and stings me in the roof of my mouth.
1160
00:47:18,670 --> 00:47:20,170
[audience laughs]
1161
00:47:21,510 --> 00:47:24,050
I think that's a pretty strong message,
don't you?
1162
00:47:24,550 --> 00:47:26,840
"Hey, man. You had 36.
1163
00:47:26,930 --> 00:47:27,970
You had some.
1164
00:47:28,050 --> 00:47:29,550
Time to stop."
1165
00:47:30,390 --> 00:47:31,430
Do I stop?
1166
00:47:31,720 --> 00:47:32,560
No.
1167
00:47:33,430 --> 00:47:35,810
But here's what slows me down. Ready?
1168
00:47:35,890 --> 00:47:37,140
In my 50s,
1169
00:47:37,230 --> 00:47:40,110
late 50s or whatever 50s, mid-50s,
1170
00:47:40,440 --> 00:47:41,610
early 50s,
1171
00:47:41,980 --> 00:47:43,230
in the 50s area.
1172
00:47:44,570 --> 00:47:45,820
Maybe at a sock hop.
1173
00:47:45,900 --> 00:47:47,900
I don't know. I'm just saying 50s a lot.
1174
00:47:48,320 --> 00:47:49,150
So,
1175
00:47:49,700 --> 00:47:52,080
Uh, I get a catalog.
I used to receive this catalog,
1176
00:47:52,160 --> 00:47:53,910
I don't know if they're
in business anymore,
1177
00:47:54,000 --> 00:47:55,080
called Living XL.
1178
00:47:55,790 --> 00:47:58,330
And what it is,
it's a catalog for fat people.
1179
00:47:59,250 --> 00:48:00,590
"Hey, you're fat.
1180
00:48:00,670 --> 00:48:04,300
You wanna keep living the fat lifestyle?
We make things easy on you.
1181
00:48:04,380 --> 00:48:07,470
We got lots of products for you,
the fat man."
1182
00:48:08,390 --> 00:48:11,940
First page, they have a toenail clipper
that you don't have to bend.
1183
00:48:12,390 --> 00:48:14,270
[audience laughing]
1184
00:48:16,770 --> 00:48:19,520
They've got a hammock for a 700-pounder.
1185
00:48:20,190 --> 00:48:22,900
A hammock for a 700-pounder!
1186
00:48:23,320 --> 00:48:24,780
Uh... What do you weigh?
1187
00:48:26,150 --> 00:48:27,230
160!
1188
00:48:27,530 --> 00:48:31,950
Getting out of a hammock not easy
for even the 160-pounder.
1189
00:48:32,030 --> 00:48:33,740
When was the last time
you were in a hammock?
1190
00:48:35,330 --> 00:48:36,580
Two years ago.
1191
00:48:36,660 --> 00:48:38,290
What kind of life are you leading?
1192
00:48:39,330 --> 00:48:41,370
You need to lay down in a hammock
1193
00:48:41,460 --> 00:48:43,300
and kick off those boat shoes.
1194
00:48:44,250 --> 00:48:47,090
Just lay there and think,
"I should buy some socks
1195
00:48:47,170 --> 00:48:48,880
and some real shoes."
1196
00:48:50,470 --> 00:48:51,680
And then think to yourself,
1197
00:48:52,100 --> 00:48:53,980
"That Lydia, she was pretty attractive.
1198
00:48:55,680 --> 00:48:58,430
Maybe if I wore socks,
I could steal her from Jamie."
1199
00:48:58,850 --> 00:49:01,770
Then you meet Lydia and she goes,
"That was never Jamie's."
1200
00:49:02,060 --> 00:49:03,190
[chuckles]
1201
00:49:03,270 --> 00:49:06,070
I'm just making up these fucking stories.
1202
00:49:06,150 --> 00:49:10,280
My point being,
it's delightful laying in a hammock.
1203
00:49:10,660 --> 00:49:12,660
But 700 pounds... [laughs]
1204
00:49:13,200 --> 00:49:16,160
Let's say you're 600 pounds,
and you're in a hammock.
1205
00:49:16,240 --> 00:49:17,660
You ain't getting up again.
1206
00:49:18,330 --> 00:49:19,620
You're there forever.
1207
00:49:19,710 --> 00:49:22,760
I'm glad it holds you
'cause you're there forever.
1208
00:49:24,880 --> 00:49:27,760
They have a bicycle for a 600-pounder.
1209
00:49:28,920 --> 00:49:29,920
That's right.
1210
00:49:30,010 --> 00:49:31,930
How many 600-pounders do you know who go,
1211
00:49:32,010 --> 00:49:33,800
"You know what?
I'd love to go for a bike ride.
1212
00:49:34,810 --> 00:49:37,560
There isn't a bike that could hold me.
I wish there was.
1213
00:49:37,640 --> 00:49:39,640
I'd go. I'd be out there biking."
1214
00:49:42,270 --> 00:49:43,690
So here's what happened:
1215
00:49:44,610 --> 00:49:45,740
the next page...
1216
00:49:46,400 --> 00:49:49,070
and I don't even know the product,
I was blind to the product,
1217
00:49:49,740 --> 00:49:50,910
there was a fat model,
1218
00:49:51,410 --> 00:49:52,410
fat gentleman,
1219
00:49:53,030 --> 00:49:54,240
looked kinda handsome,
1220
00:49:54,870 --> 00:49:56,830
and then I realize, "What the fuck?
1221
00:49:56,910 --> 00:49:57,790
That's you."
1222
00:49:58,790 --> 00:50:00,880
How the fuck am I in a fat catalog?
1223
00:50:01,420 --> 00:50:02,800
I'm like, "Is that me?"
1224
00:50:02,870 --> 00:50:05,420
It wasn't me,
but the fucker looked just like me.
1225
00:50:06,170 --> 00:50:08,840
And vanity made me go,
1226
00:50:08,920 --> 00:50:12,220
"I don't want to look
like a fucking fat model. A fat model?
1227
00:50:12,470 --> 00:50:14,100
I don't want to be a fat model."
1228
00:50:14,180 --> 00:50:17,310
Who the fuck thinks, "When I grow up,
I want to be fat and model"?
1229
00:50:19,020 --> 00:50:21,730
So that sort of woke me up,
and I started to change my...
1230
00:50:21,810 --> 00:50:25,650
Not children and diabetes... [laughs]
1231
00:50:25,730 --> 00:50:27,900
and living a healthy life.
1232
00:50:28,190 --> 00:50:32,150
No, seeing a fat model goes,
"Jeff, time to change."
1233
00:50:34,490 --> 00:50:36,330
But it wasn't only that, you know.
1234
00:50:36,870 --> 00:50:38,710
What also happened was, look,
1235
00:50:39,080 --> 00:50:40,250
I had a...
1236
00:50:41,750 --> 00:50:42,830
very tough year.
1237
00:50:42,910 --> 00:50:44,620
A very tough year.
1238
00:50:44,960 --> 00:50:45,960
My mom died.
1239
00:50:46,330 --> 00:50:47,870
I got divorced.
1240
00:50:48,170 --> 00:50:49,630
My dogs died.
1241
00:50:49,880 --> 00:50:50,710
[audience] Aw...
1242
00:50:50,800 --> 00:50:53,050
I don't know why people moan
when my dogs die.
1243
00:50:53,130 --> 00:50:54,260
I don't get that.
1244
00:50:54,340 --> 00:50:56,680
"My mom dies, I get divorced."
1245
00:50:56,760 --> 00:51:01,390
"Well, that happens,
but rarely do two dogs die."
1246
00:51:02,230 --> 00:51:04,940
Un-fucking-believable.
That's the one that touches your heart.
1247
00:51:06,150 --> 00:51:08,400
"You lost two dogs. Were they puppies?"
1248
00:51:11,690 --> 00:51:12,980
No, it was a tough year.
1249
00:51:13,320 --> 00:51:14,240
And, you know,
1250
00:51:14,820 --> 00:51:18,780
and I tend to rise up
when things are at their worst.
1251
00:51:18,870 --> 00:51:21,120
I'm at my best
when things are at their worst.
1252
00:51:21,410 --> 00:51:24,160
And I stopped eating sugar.
1253
00:51:24,460 --> 00:51:27,880
I started taking much better care
of myself. I was more thoughtful.
1254
00:51:28,290 --> 00:51:31,500
And the reason being is
the one lesson that I learned,
1255
00:51:31,590 --> 00:51:33,970
the one lesson that I learned was...
1256
00:51:34,380 --> 00:51:37,050
uh... to be kind to myself
1257
00:51:37,140 --> 00:51:39,480
which is the hardest fucking thing
in the world to do,
1258
00:51:39,550 --> 00:51:40,470
to be kind to yourself.
1259
00:51:40,560 --> 00:51:43,110
It's so easy to say,
"Be kind to yourself."
1260
00:51:43,180 --> 00:51:45,180
But what I do is, every morning,
1261
00:51:45,270 --> 00:51:46,360
when I get up,
1262
00:51:46,440 --> 00:51:47,980
I look in the mirror
1263
00:51:48,060 --> 00:51:49,390
and I go, "Hey!
1264
00:51:51,110 --> 00:51:52,240
It's you!"
1265
00:51:53,400 --> 00:51:55,650
And, mind you,
I don't look so good in the morning.
1266
00:51:55,740 --> 00:51:58,660
You have to rise up to fucking do that,
but what is does is
1267
00:51:58,740 --> 00:52:02,330
it sets a tone for the day,
a fucking tone for the day.
1268
00:52:02,410 --> 00:52:06,000
You know, my days are pretty good
until maybe I eat wrong
1269
00:52:06,080 --> 00:52:07,790
or say something I regret. [laughs]
1270
00:52:08,290 --> 00:52:09,460
One of them are gonna happen.
1271
00:52:09,540 --> 00:52:12,920
Then I have a nice Americano.
It kinda turns around.
1272
00:52:13,000 --> 00:52:16,050
Then I go home,
I take a nap, I wake up, I go to bed.
1273
00:52:17,340 --> 00:52:19,880
I love napping so much.
1274
00:52:21,350 --> 00:52:23,520
And, you know, I tell my children
1275
00:52:23,850 --> 00:52:26,520
about joy and I tell them, "Hey,
1276
00:52:27,060 --> 00:52:30,480
take what you do seriously,
but don't take yourself seriously.
1277
00:52:30,940 --> 00:52:35,070
Be kind to yourself,
but if you do something, do it serious."
1278
00:52:35,150 --> 00:52:37,860
And I also tell my boys...
Oh, fuck, I tell them this,
1279
00:52:37,950 --> 00:52:38,780
"Hey,
1280
00:52:39,870 --> 00:52:41,330
don't follow your dreams...
1281
00:52:42,530 --> 00:52:43,820
[scattered laughter]
1282
00:52:45,750 --> 00:52:48,210
unless your dreams are
what you're great at.
1283
00:52:48,830 --> 00:52:49,660
Do not."
1284
00:52:50,080 --> 00:52:51,080
Because...
1285
00:52:51,380 --> 00:52:54,430
I know too many miserable people
in Los Angeles
1286
00:52:54,840 --> 00:52:57,430
who followed their dreams,
and they're not very good.
1287
00:52:58,090 --> 00:53:01,510
And they would've been better off
doing what they were great at.
1288
00:53:01,600 --> 00:53:04,690
Let's say you're form St. Louis.
I'm very sorry to begin with,
1289
00:53:04,970 --> 00:53:06,560
-but--
-[audience laughs]
1290
00:53:07,680 --> 00:53:08,640
By the way,
1291
00:53:08,730 --> 00:53:11,440
I once played Indianapolis
and my opening...
1292
00:53:11,520 --> 00:53:12,650
Once played Indianapolis.
1293
00:53:12,730 --> 00:53:14,150
...and my opening line was,
1294
00:53:14,230 --> 00:53:16,190
"You know you don't have to live here."
1295
00:53:16,440 --> 00:53:18,650
[audience laughs]
1296
00:53:19,030 --> 00:53:21,070
They laughed, so I fucking love them.
1297
00:53:21,160 --> 00:53:23,660
I'd go back. They're good people.
1298
00:53:23,740 --> 00:53:25,870
I don't know
if St. Louis would laugh at themselves.
1299
00:53:26,580 --> 00:53:28,330
They may write Netflix,
1300
00:53:28,410 --> 00:53:30,580
"Dear Netflix, one of your comedians...
1301
00:53:30,670 --> 00:53:33,550
Fuck you. Uh... Go Cardinals.
Fuck you!
1302
00:53:36,630 --> 00:53:38,380
We lost the Rams. We're furious.
1303
00:53:39,510 --> 00:53:42,470
We didn't feel that way
when we took the Rams from Los Angeles,
1304
00:53:42,550 --> 00:53:44,640
but now that the shoe's on the other foot,
fuck it.
1305
00:53:44,720 --> 00:53:46,350
What's going on? I want to die!
1306
00:53:46,430 --> 00:53:48,100
I live in St. Louis. Make it stop!
1307
00:53:48,180 --> 00:53:50,350
Please, Netflix, make it stop.
1308
00:53:50,440 --> 00:53:51,900
Take St. Louis away."
1309
00:53:52,810 --> 00:53:55,020
All right, by the way,
who writes like that?
1310
00:53:57,110 --> 00:53:58,820
What a weird letter, squiggly.
1311
00:53:58,900 --> 00:54:01,530
Someone from Netflix, "This writing,
1312
00:54:01,610 --> 00:54:03,450
I'm not sure. Charlie, you take it."
1313
00:54:03,530 --> 00:54:05,570
"All right. I don't know.
Jim, you take it."
1314
00:54:05,660 --> 00:54:08,750
"All right. I'm from St. Louis.
Maybe I can read this.
1315
00:54:08,830 --> 00:54:11,830
Um, it appears to be my father." [laughs]
1316
00:54:12,580 --> 00:54:15,290
"My father has written to Netflix.
1317
00:54:15,380 --> 00:54:17,420
He wants to leave St. Louis."
1318
00:54:20,840 --> 00:54:22,380
So, no.
1319
00:54:22,720 --> 00:54:25,640
Let's say you're from St. Louis
and you sing, you love singing.
1320
00:54:25,720 --> 00:54:28,350
Oh, fuck, you love singing
and you're a good singer.
1321
00:54:28,430 --> 00:54:29,930
Not great, but good.
1322
00:54:30,020 --> 00:54:31,560
Maybe even really good,
1323
00:54:31,640 --> 00:54:32,560
but not great.
1324
00:54:33,440 --> 00:54:35,440
But yet, you're great at math.
1325
00:54:36,360 --> 00:54:37,610
Here's what I say you do.
1326
00:54:37,690 --> 00:54:41,740
Don't go follow your dreams
in Nashville or New York or Los Angeles.
1327
00:54:42,030 --> 00:54:42,860
No.
1328
00:54:43,320 --> 00:54:45,990
You don't even have to stay
in St. Louis but go...
1329
00:54:47,240 --> 00:54:48,620
and become an accountant.
1330
00:54:48,700 --> 00:54:51,240
Become an accountant
'cause you're great with numbers.
1331
00:54:51,870 --> 00:54:54,120
And then with all the money that you make
1332
00:54:54,210 --> 00:54:57,460
from being an accountant, you...
[chuckles]
1333
00:54:57,540 --> 00:55:00,460
With all the money you make,
buy some recording time.
1334
00:55:01,420 --> 00:55:02,670
Record some music.
1335
00:55:02,970 --> 00:55:04,470
Give it to your friends.
1336
00:55:04,550 --> 00:55:07,390
Let them tell you,
"You made the right decision."
1337
00:55:07,510 --> 00:55:08,390
[audience laughs]
1338
00:55:08,850 --> 00:55:09,680
So,
1339
00:55:09,930 --> 00:55:11,470
[audience applauding]
1340
00:55:11,560 --> 00:55:12,850
So, I'm not...
1341
00:55:13,640 --> 00:55:16,270
I mean that. I mean everyone's like,
"Go follow your dreams.
1342
00:55:16,350 --> 00:55:17,310
Follow your whimsy."
1343
00:55:17,400 --> 00:55:18,230
No!
1344
00:55:18,860 --> 00:55:20,280
You could be miserable.
1345
00:55:27,370 --> 00:55:28,750
[audience member whooping]
1346
00:55:28,830 --> 00:55:30,080
[applauding]
1347
00:55:30,160 --> 00:55:31,910
What if that was to show off?
1348
00:55:32,540 --> 00:55:35,750
"You know, I didn't feel the show
was going the way I wanted it to.
1349
00:55:36,330 --> 00:55:39,500
It felt like if I gulped some water,
I'd earn them back.
1350
00:55:40,340 --> 00:55:43,930
Once they watch me gulp water,
I'll be their favorite all-time comedian.
1351
00:55:44,260 --> 00:55:47,510
That's my secret plan
before I start filming,
1352
00:55:47,800 --> 00:55:50,300
and I'm also gonna start
talking like this."
1353
00:55:50,390 --> 00:55:51,980
[audience laughs]
1354
00:55:54,850 --> 00:55:56,140
So, look,
1355
00:55:57,150 --> 00:55:58,610
I gotta tell you...
1356
00:55:59,480 --> 00:56:02,320
I mentioned how much I love napping.
I love staying home.
1357
00:56:02,400 --> 00:56:05,150
The idea that you left your homes
1358
00:56:05,240 --> 00:56:06,410
to come see me...
1359
00:56:06,490 --> 00:56:07,490
You fuckers.
1360
00:56:07,570 --> 00:56:10,490
Oh, my God, thank you so much.
That's so kind of you.
1361
00:56:10,580 --> 00:56:13,000
-And I want to... Thank you.
-[audience applauding]
1362
00:56:13,080 --> 00:56:14,250
-[audience cheering]
-No.
1363
00:56:16,330 --> 00:56:19,040
You could be napping.
You could do anything.
1364
00:56:19,130 --> 00:56:21,300
Now I wanna talk to, if I may...
1365
00:56:21,380 --> 00:56:23,630
Do I go there or there?
I want to be specific.
1366
00:56:23,710 --> 00:56:24,840
[camera operator] Right here.
1367
00:56:24,920 --> 00:56:25,750
There or there?
1368
00:56:26,420 --> 00:56:28,380
Say... This one.
1369
00:56:28,470 --> 00:56:31,060
I want to talk to the people at home
1370
00:56:31,140 --> 00:56:33,270
who've watched this special on Netflix.
1371
00:56:33,350 --> 00:56:35,640
Holy shit, you've made it to the end.
1372
00:56:36,100 --> 00:56:38,190
You didn't just turn away
1373
00:56:38,270 --> 00:56:41,020
and watch Stranger Things. You fuckin'...
1374
00:56:41,650 --> 00:56:44,610
You stayed with me the whole time.
I'm indebted.
1375
00:56:44,690 --> 00:56:48,190
What a compliment!
But I also wanna say, holy shit,
1376
00:56:48,490 --> 00:56:51,580
John Mulaney's got a special on Netflix.
He's got a few of them.
1377
00:56:51,660 --> 00:56:54,160
You didn't watch John Mulaney,
or maybe you already did,
1378
00:56:54,240 --> 00:56:56,490
and you're watching me.
But I wanna also say,
1379
00:56:56,580 --> 00:56:58,420
if you've never seen John Mulaney,
1380
00:56:58,500 --> 00:57:01,750
turn off this special,
go watch John Mulaney.
1381
00:57:01,840 --> 00:57:03,550
He's better than I am.
1382
00:57:03,630 --> 00:57:05,090
He's my favorite comedian.
1383
00:57:05,170 --> 00:57:07,970
So go watch John Mulaney if you haven't.
1384
00:57:08,050 --> 00:57:10,430
If you have, watch it again. Why not?
1385
00:57:10,510 --> 00:57:13,850
You know, it's enjoyable.
And thank you for staying till the end.
1386
00:57:13,930 --> 00:57:15,720
Thank you for staying till the end.
1387
00:57:15,810 --> 00:57:17,730
I'll see you again. Thank you.
1388
00:57:17,810 --> 00:57:20,150
[audience cheering and applauding]
1389
00:57:20,230 --> 00:57:21,360
Thank you.
1390
00:57:32,740 --> 00:57:35,450
[strumming loudly]
1391
00:57:35,540 --> 00:57:38,330
[reverberating]
1392
00:57:52,180 --> 00:57:55,020
[strumming loudly]
1393
00:57:55,100 --> 00:57:57,850
[reverberating]
103478
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