All language subtitles for Robbie.Williams.S01E04.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH

You're onstage,

and you don't know the script,
or you don't know what you're doin'.

"You don't deserve it."

"You can't do it."

You know, constantly havin' to deliver,

it just makes you feel queasy.

You just wanna run away sometimes.

I'm in a situation
that's completely unreal.

It came true for me

onstage in Leeds.

People are just waitin' for me to fuck up.

Yesterday, with Leeds,

I had to experience an awful lot.

I feel as though I'm wearing it today.
It was a prolonged car crash.

As the days have progressed,
doing this process, it seems that I've...

I've been on...

The dark night of the soul
turned into a long weekend.

Hello.

Very gonzo, this.

This filming.
Not a fuckin' clue what I'm doing.

Um...

But that's my life.

I've already done an hour's blog
on this camera in this room,

but we didn't turn the mic on.

It would be good
for people that can lipread.

I can't remember this.

- At all?
- No.

- What... What year is it?
- So this is 2007.

2007.

I can't remember

anythin' about this.

It's... It's an instantly
uncomfortable watch for some reason

'cause I'm getting
some sort of energy from me that's...

All is not well.

This video blog has turned into somethin'
different than I thought it was gonna be.

♪ Don't tell anyone I'm Jesus ♪

♪ All men are fools ♪

- ♪ And what makes them fools... ♪
- I remember that now.

I started to write a song today,

and it's called,
"Don't Tell Anybody I'm Jesus."

It's a bit like "Mack The Knife" but, um...

sacrilegious.

I'm off the wagon.
That's where I am.

Change the battery pack.

Addicted
to, um, prescribed speed...

Is it not plugged in?

...OxyContin, Adderall,

Vicodins, morphine.

You know, the greatest hits.

Fuckin' 'ell. Dunno if you can see
the shiner I've got on my eye.

I had an altercation with, uh,

the bathroom floor.

Slipped

and took out the lighting... buttons.

What they called? Lighting buttons?

Light switches.

In the middle of the night,
I got up to go to the toilet,

and my legs weren't working
because I'd just taken a load of stuff.

I literally couldn't figure out
how to use my legs,

but I needed to go the toilet,
and I collapsed and fell into the wall.

I've also decided that

I'm not fit for purpose
when it comes to relationships.

I'd be with somebody
but then see somebody else and think,

"Oh. Want that one."

I'm a want monster, I...

I need... everything.

Concerning who I sleep with,

it's as old as time,

the rock star
sleeping with the groupie or the fan.

You know, I'm not the first,
and I won't be the last.

A friend of mine
suggested that I have a date

with this person
that was a good friend of his,

and, uh, I looked her up
and was like, "Oh yeah!"

Please welcome the lovely Ayda Field.

- Well, hello.
- Yeah.

Hello!

I was actually
in a really good place, I think,

when I met Rob.

I had this dinner party I was going to.

I was like, "Do you wanna go
to the dinner party with me?"

He's like, "I'd rather
stick knives in my eyes."

I was like,
"Okay, that's a strong response."

He's like, "Let's meet up afterwards,"
and I was like, "Okay."

♪ My love must be a kind of blind love... ♪

She came over to my house
after being at a party.

I'd just seen off my dealer,
that I was sleeping with at the time.

The house
is completely fuckin' dark.

No candles. No lights.
I'm like, "Ooh, this is weird."

So we're just sitting there talking.
We have nothing in common.

And I was like,
"Oh, this is not working out."

"I'd better take her back
to the party she's just come from."

♪ Are the stars out tonight? ♪

Unbeknownst to me, Rob is actually
gonna ditch me at this party.

I guess we start... Maybe 'cause
we'd both surrendered to the fact

that we were not each other's person,
and this was a total mess,

we were completely loose with each other.

We were saying funny shit in the car,
and I was like, "Oh, he's funny."

And I was like,
"Oh. I'll come in for five minutes."

And there was just this moment
we were laughing,

and I cannot even tell you what happened.
It was like the universe opened up.

And I had this moment
where I felt I'd known her forever.

I guess I chose to ignore it.

All of a sudden, Rob's like,
"I need to go to the bathroom."

I'm, like, waiting.

I'm like, "God.
Is he, like, taking a dump?"

Um...

I then did some coke.

I got this tic. It was like...

So I'm like, "I'm gonna get out
and see what's happened."

There he is, pacing.
He's thrown up, and he's clucking.

I was like, "Ah, we gotta go."

She ended up comin' home
and nursing me.

Then we just talked all night.

I think he explained
that he'd been sober for a very long time.

He had just relapsed.

It was like my entryway into addiction.

I shall try and remember
what it was that I was sayin'.

You wouldn't notice
his personality change,

but all of a sudden,
he would just throw up, like, watching TV.

"Robbie Williams is music
for people who don't feel."

I didn't know this... this area
where someone could be doing drugs

and have a problem
and it be, like, deadly.

"Robbie's a showbiz chancer." Yeah, I am.

The meanness, nasty, vitriolic bollocks,

that "Robbie Williams is a shit joke."

I remember that being very scary
'cause all of a sudden, I was, like...

I was really... liking this person a lot.

Do I hate music, then?

Is that what I do?

"To me, Robbie Williams
is a crime against music."

"What don't I love about music?"
"You have so much rage."

Fuckin' hate...

Do you really think God is more proud

of Bobby Gillespie

or Gareth Gates?

...wants to set me on fire.

Somebody to hate.

Here was
this incredibly troubled soul

who was, like,
a rock star in some other country

and clearly fucked up about it
and a complete mess

and yet so

my person. Like, my fucking soulmate.

...didn't know who the fuck I was.

Yeah, I mean, that, um...

that stare there doesn't look like mine.

I did have a sense
of what I was doin' to myself.

And I didn't care.

And... And there is a... a sense of

"It would be best if I sorta passed away."

Um...

I didn't care, and it'd be all right.

That's where your addiction takes you.

That's where it ends up.

The natural progression

of "Let's see how far we can take this."

"Robbie Williams is music
for people who don't feel."

The thing
that would destroy me

has also made me successful.

Big. More.

Touch the fire. Touch the button.
Push when it says "pull."

All of those things
have given me my career,

but there's also
a detrimental side to it too.

Depends which wolf you feed.

For me to change, I've gotta be dyin'.

Die or stop what you're doin'.

I remember it was, like, 2 a.m.

I called him.
I was just getting on the highway.

"Are you driving?"
"Just got on the highway."

He was like, "Call me when you get home."

I tell her,
"Look, my management have come,

and they've done an intervention,
and they're gonna take me to rehab."

And he is like,
"I can't be in a relationship."

"I have to get better,
and I can't be with you."

"I have to break up with you."
I was just like...

And it was, like, I un...
I understood it 'cause I was like...

I saw that he was unwell,
and I... I remember thinking,

"I just want you to get better.
Whatever you need to do,"

and I was just so crestfallen.

He was my soulmate, and then he was gone.

Robbie Williams is waking up
in rehab this morning

on his 33rd birthday.

You can't miss
the front pages this morning.

Full of the tragedy
that seems to follow in the wake

of Robbie Williams
and his turbulent lifestyle.

It's claimed today
that he's gone into rehab

to avoid doing himself some harm.

After admitting to being hooked
on a cocktail of prescription drugs,

he needed to check into rehab
before, in Robbie's words,

he did "something silly."

Rehab.
It's not a country club.

It's a hospital.

Some people can envision rehab
as being like, um,

a health retreat.

It's not that.

Surrounded by

other people that are completely depressed

and, um, have just fucked up their lives.

Understanding the nature
of what and who you are.

An addict.

Rehab cut the circuit on the addiction.

It gave me a moment to recalibrate

and see if I can live.

My professional career
had become that big,

the only thing
that I could do for self-preservation

was to take myself out of it.

If you don't start the process,

then the process seldom finds you.

At this period
in my life, I know I'm retired.

Taking down the dam.

Tryin' to undo all pop-starry apparel.

Me and Ayda got back together again.

I remember we went to Morocco,

Egypt.

I thought, "Better go and see these places

that I've been to for work
and never seen."

I remember me mate, Calvin,
takin' a picture of Ayda.

She was dancin' on somethin'.

I just remember
lookin' at the picture and just goin',

"What a life force."

"What a spirit."

But I remember that photo. It's...

It's burned into my mind.

There was a cementing of a relationship
between me and my future wife.

But, um...

if you'd have asked me
what I was doing during that,

I wouldn't have known that.

There became enough space
between me and my career...

...to fall in love.

- Okay.
- Do her.

- I'll just do... I'll do Sarah.
- Do Sarah.

I'll do Sarah.

I've lost 17 inches in my face.

Three in my dimples alone.
All while eating cheesecake.

- Very good.
- Love creamy foods.

Really creamy foods.

That is unbelievable.

- Isn't it?
- I know, isn't it weird?

Change to normal face...
So, high five!

- Change back.
- "Change back"!

- That is...
- It's a new game. Change!

I've no idea
how I developed this talent.

Do you think it's because

you can fit more marshmallows
in your mouth?

Yeah, I mean, what a package, man.

Silly and, uh,

doesn't take herself seriously
and smart and beautiful.

Makes me feel great,

you know?

When you look there, it's obvious that

something really special's happenin'.

It's really cool.

- You know why he doesn't like it?
- Why?

- He has to win at everything.
- He did it when he was watching.

- Yeah, he was like...
- Try and do it.

- You do it and watch Rob.
- Come on, Boozy, you can do it.

She sees the best in me,
and I see the best in her.

Fuck you.

- You know how I like to eat a lot?
- Yeah.

That's the face of the future.

- Yeah, you've seen mine, so that's okay.
- Aw.

So I don't do anything
for three years.

The powers had gone. The mojo had gone.

I... I had a big realization
that I needed purpose.

That I needed to be creative
and have a voice.

This is Robbie Williams.
This is what I do for a livin'.

Right here.

I'm a singer, I'm a songwriter,
and I'm a born entertainer.

Thank God for Ayda.

Solace and safety and sanctuary and...

all of the good things.

She gave me enough space

for it to be a possibility.

You're so pretty, aren't you?

Yes, you are!
You doing your little sashay for us?

Are we in the right house? Think we are.

Ah, pretty girl.

- What you calling the new album?
- Reality Killed the Video Star.

Or Il Protagonista.

Or PoliteBox
'cause the last one was RudeBox.

Ding When You're Ding-Dong Dingin'.

Uh...

Or... What were the good ones, bab?

Oh yeah. Robbie Williams
and the Cock of Justice. I love that.

It was gonna take a while,

but Reality Killed the Video Star
was a tentative step back

into public life.

After the RudeBox album,

I head into very safe musical waters.

♪ How do you rate the morning sun? ♪

♪ Good morning Mr. McCarrower ♪

♪ We'll love the same old Jesus again ♪

♪ Stoke the flames lit by the fuse... ♪

I have to collect myself
and... and... and...

put some real thought
behind this fuckin' thing.

Or else my career's gonna fall to shit.

♪ I always wanted more from life ♪

♪ But you didn't have the appetite ♪

"Find a hit, fatty."

♪ Tell me how do you
Raise the morning sun? ♪

Trevor had made
a lot of albums that I love,

and everybody that I work with and me
knew that we were just in safe hands.

- Hey, it's not bad.
- It's not bad.

- It's not bad, yeah.
- Yeah.

I don't think I've ever been
this much unsure of myself, comin' back.

Returning to the scene of the accident.

Press release was in, uh...

has gone out sayin' the new album's called

Reality Killed the Video Star.

And, uh...

it's number two in the BBC News most read,

so that's cool.

Uh...

And apparently, the, uh,

website statistics
have gone through the roof.

I'm very 'appy. Very 'appy.

Uh, day two. "Bodies."

We had three years
of our relationship with Rob

before I was really introduced to Robbie.

Robbie is like
a completely different person.

I was excited for him,
but I was a little worried

because I don't know what it's like
to have 80,000 people looking at you

on a nightly basis
and what that does to your psychology.

I've gotta
get back on this wild horse

that keeps buckin' me off.

Yeah, it's weird. I've not done any

singin' and dancin' for three years.

Last time, this wild horse
did the equivalent of breakin' my neck.

What's it gonna do this time?

Now he's back,
and boy, is he back.

He is one of the greatest entertainers
this country's ever known. We love him.

This is Mr. Robbie Williams.

When I came back in 2009,

I did a performance
of "Bodies" on The X Factor

and just completely had a freak-out.

♪ God gave me the sunshine ♪

♪ Then showed me my lifeline ♪

♪ I was told it was all mine ♪

♪ I got laid on the ley line ♪

♪ What a day, what a day ♪

♪ And then Jesus really died for me ♪

How you doin'?

- Robbie didn't come.
- ♪ Jesus really tried for me... ♪

And the everyday Rob
was there instead.

♪ Wanna feed off the energy ♪

♪ I love living like a deity ♪

♪ One a day, one day ♪

♪ And then Jesus really died for me ♪

What a pleasure. What a pleasure.

♪ Jesus really tried for me... ♪

I just couldn't
latch onto anythin'

to make it make sense
while I was performin'.

Everything felt
completely unnatural and scary.

♪ Oh ♪

It's just everythin' was
so overwhelming, and I couldn't hide it.

I loved it. I loved it.

Great audience.
What a fantastic audience. Thank you!

The whole thing
that happened in Leeds

had a... a lasting effect
that had damaged me psychologically.

I'm just unsure

of everythin', everybody, and everything.

Apart from Ayda.

I'm so uncomfortable in my skin 'ere.

The door's always open
for Rob.

If ever he's bored one day,
and we're on the road,

and he's sat at home,
and he wants to come up and,

you know, sing a song,

he's more than welcome to do that.
We'll 'ave a spare mic ready for 'im.

One of Britain's
biggest boy bands, Take That, split up.

But, a decade on, they're back together,
albeit without Robbie Williams,

and they're back at the top of the charts.

I watched
the Circus tour.

It's one of the best shows I'd ever seen.

And I got

incredibly excited by it.

And then a door opened where I was like...

"Cor, I wanna...

wanna experience that."

There's a reason
why I left Take That so angry.

I want you to know
that I probably will be a bit quiet.

I'm just a bit nervous and a bit scared,
and I have been for a few days, you know,

and I wanna, um...

It's gonna take a while though, mate.
It's took us four years.

Shoulda seen us lot
when we got back together after that time.

Took us a long time to get to know
each other again, didn't it?

My anger
has dissipated and gone now,

and all that's left
is the four lads in a room,

and I realized very quickly
that they love me, and I love them.

To me, it seems like
just a beautiful moment

for us to be intro-ing you,
saying hi to you.

"Here's our friend, Robbie." Off you go.

I remember
havin' a meetin' with my management,

Dave and Tim, at the time,
and they got these flip charts out.

They were just, like, "Right, okay."

"So, if you went on tour
by yourself,

this is what you would make."

It was just, like,
unbelievable amounts of money.

"And if you work
with Take That, you get this."

And I was like,

"Lads, I'm still gonna
be joinin' Take That."

"Okay."

♪ Standing ♪

♪ On the edge of forever ♪

♪ At the start of whatever ♪

♪ Shouting love at the world... ♪

When I'm in Take That,

there's four other bodies next to you
displacing the responsibility of

the eyes on you.

♪ Although no-one understood ♪

♪ We were holding back the flood ♪

♪ Yeah, we danced against the rain ♪

♪ We were holding back the flood ♪

♪ They said we'd never dance again ♪

♪ We will meet you ♪

♪ Where the lights are ♪

♪ The defenders of the faith we are ♪

♪ When the thunder turns around ♪

♪ They'll run so hard
We'll tear the ground away... ♪

Rejoining Take That
really helped me.

Propelled me back in.

Helped me to hide in public,
to be camouflaged but seen.

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Great Britain was ours
for that summer.

♪ Although no-one understood ♪

♪ There was more of them than us ♪

♪ Learning how to dance the rain ♪

♪ There was more of them than us ♪

♪ Now they'll never dance again... ♪

I felt
like pop star Robbie Williams.

And rejoining Take That

was a vitally important part of my journey

to where I am now.

Where I've gotten to and what's happened
to my career since then...

is a miracle.

The thing that's made me
feel safe a lot of the time,

is no matter about the slings and arrows
or how I feel about myself in my head,

there's this incredible audience
that comes and sees me.

My audience has protected me
through the years.

It's funny as I get older,
if somebody says,

"I've been to a show
and really enjoyed it," I almost cry.

W... We did that together.

We understood each other,
and we created a moment together

that will remain
etched in our souls and our spirit.

And I'm... I'm ever so grateful
that we get to share that experience.

How has this process been for you?

It's a tough watch.

But I feel good because...

there was a lot of levity
and a lot of humor and a lot of silliness.

There was a softness...

in this footage
that I wasn't expectin' to see.

It is cathartic.

I will walk out of here

less heavy, emotionally,
than I was before.

I can stick a pin in this now and move on.

♪ So many tears ♪

♪ I've cried over you... ♪

I have, uh...
some acceptance and love for me.

That... That feels huge, man.

Yeah, that does feel... that does feel big.

That's not what I was expecting
to feel at the end of this.

♪ And I bite my tongue ♪

♪ Even though it causes the pain... ♪

I'm a different person now.

♪...inside me ♪

Thank the Lord.

There is a happy endin'.

For me, anyway.

♪ Running across the field ♪

♪ Screaming full of joy ♪

♪ Now, baby, I can see ♪

♪ That I'm pretty perfect ♪

♪ And everybody can see... ♪

I guess the god-shaped hole
has been filled with four kids and a wife.

♪ Everybody can see-ee-ee ♪

Good.

♪ Life's pretty perfect to me ♪

Full marks.

- Morning, my love.
- Mornin', darlin'.

- Can I get you anything?
- Uh, no, thank you.

All good.

Okay, I'll put this on.

Daddy's going on a plane,
Beau-beaus.

Why?

- He's gotta go to work.
- I wanna go on plane.

- You wanna go with Daddy to work?
- Yeah.

- Are you gonna sing?
- Yeah.

- What you gonna sing?
- Uh...

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Can I have a goodbye cuddle?

Yes.

- I love you.
- Okay.

- Who loves you?
- Uh...

- Mummy.
- Yes!

Who else loves you?

- You!
- Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

We love you so much, Beau-beaus.

Yeah.

Who loves you?

Daddy. Who loves you?

- Mummy.
- Mm-hmm.

I really, like,
have had a knot in my stomach all day.

I'm about to leave
for the longest that I've ever left them.

I hate it.

But it makes me feel happy,

knowing what I can provide
for my kids and my wife.

It gives me purpose, and I need purpose.

Ted, come and give me a cuddle.
Mummy, will you get Charlie?

Charlie!

- Come here, Charlie.
- Oh, there he is.

- Where's Coco?
- I love you, mate.

- Where's Coco?
- I love you, mate.

- Will you get Coco?
- Look at me. I'm really proud of you.

- Do you have to go?
- Yeah.

- I love you, Boozy.
- Love you, guys.

Who knows what's to come?

But now I realize that in this period,

and for the longest period
in my life ever, I suppose,

yeah, this is, um... a golden period.

I live in a different way now.

I live in a different manner.

There is an acceptance to what my life is.

And I don't try
to push against it or fight against it.

And I've figured out how to live in it.

I'm comfortable.

I'm a dad of four
in a lovin' marriage with a lovin' wife.

I'm on my way
to bein' really, really happy.

The miracles that have been
bestowed upon me in this life...

are so bountiful

and so incredible,

there is a need and a want in me

to be able
to figure out how to enjoy this,

by any means necessary.

It's different now.

What a joy.

What a glorious adventure.

♪ Come on, hold my hand ♪

♪ I wanna contact the living ♪

♪ Not sure I understand ♪

♪ This role I've been given ♪

♪ I sit and talk to God ♪

♪ And he just laughs at my plans ♪

♪ My head speaks a language ♪

♪ I don't understand ♪

♪ I just wanna feel real love ♪

♪ Feel the home that I live in ♪

♪ 'Cause I got too much life ♪

♪ Running through my veins ♪

♪ Going to waste ♪

♪ I don't wanna die ♪

♪ But I ain't keen on living either ♪

♪ Before I fall in love ♪

♪ I'm preparing to leave her ♪

♪ I scare myself to death ♪

♪ That's why I keep on running ♪

♪ Before I've arrived ♪

♪ I can see myself coming ♪

♪ I just wanna feel real love ♪

♪ Feel the home that I live in ♪

♪ 'Cause I got too much life ♪

♪ Running through my veins ♪

♪ Going to waste ♪