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1
00:00:03,987 --> 00:00:06,104
(Abby) Previously on
Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce...
2
00:00:06,272 --> 00:00:10,091
(Warren) Abby, they want you to do
a piece--ten dates in two days.
3
00:00:10,092 --> 00:00:12,493
- Who posts a picture of that?
- Tons of guys.
4
00:00:12,611 --> 00:00:14,612
I know that man.
He is a dad at school.
5
00:00:14,746 --> 00:00:15,829
He's a married dad.
6
00:00:15,947 --> 00:00:17,331
(Phoebe) Homegrown--
An urban farm
7
00:00:17,449 --> 00:00:19,617
working
with recovering addicts
8
00:00:19,751 --> 00:00:21,252
to give them
employable skills.
9
00:00:21,336 --> 00:00:23,037
The only
out of our situation
10
00:00:23,171 --> 00:00:27,041
is if I'm at least open
to the casual encounter.
11
00:00:27,125 --> 00:00:28,926
I know why he's been staring
at me. He works at the Getty.
12
00:00:29,044 --> 00:00:30,511
I left my wife.
13
00:00:30,629 --> 00:00:33,013
Do you have to comment
on all the proceedings?
14
00:00:33,131 --> 00:00:34,215
I'm so sorry.
It's just a habit.
15
00:00:34,349 --> 00:00:35,549
My wife used to say--
16
00:00:35,684 --> 00:00:37,324
- Don't talk about your wife.
- Oh, right.
17
00:00:37,385 --> 00:00:38,985
First you declare
some kind of affection,
18
00:00:39,020 --> 00:00:40,604
and then you have sex
with Courtney?
19
00:00:40,722 --> 00:00:41,605
- I did it for us.
- Oh, my God.
20
00:00:41,690 --> 00:00:43,440
You need to get
out of here. Go.
21
00:00:43,525 --> 00:00:44,975
You're a writer?
22
00:00:45,143 --> 00:00:46,393
Well, I don't think
you can call yourself that
23
00:00:46,478 --> 00:00:49,480
when you haven't been published,
but I did write this.
24
00:00:49,564 --> 00:00:51,148
Would you be comfortable
passing it on to your editor?
25
00:00:51,283 --> 00:00:52,650
I want to be the pretty,
pretty princess.
26
00:00:52,817 --> 00:00:54,068
I don't want to be
a resource.
27
00:00:56,154 --> 00:00:57,154
Um...
28
00:00:57,978 --> 00:01:02,178
_
29
00:01:06,464 --> 00:01:10,084
[Abby breathing heavily]
30
00:01:10,168 --> 00:01:14,054
As we go ride
into the sunset, baby
31
00:01:14,172 --> 00:01:17,758
Yeah, we going for a ride
32
00:01:17,892 --> 00:01:20,010
Yeah, we go
into the sunset...
33
00:01:20,145 --> 00:01:22,429
Oh, Will.
34
00:01:22,564 --> 00:01:25,566
[both moaning]
35
00:01:25,684 --> 00:01:26,984
Yeah,
we going for a ride
36
00:01:27,068 --> 00:01:29,436
You make the Earth move.
37
00:01:29,521 --> 00:01:31,855
Yeah, we going
for a ri-ri-ri-ride
38
00:01:31,990 --> 00:01:33,190
[rumbling]
39
00:01:33,325 --> 00:01:36,944
Yeah, we driving
through the sunset, baby
40
00:01:37,078 --> 00:01:39,947
[rumbling continues]
41
00:01:42,417 --> 00:01:46,036
[car alarms blaring,
horns honking]
42
00:01:46,171 --> 00:01:47,955
(Jo)
Holy shit!
43
00:01:48,089 --> 00:01:49,707
(Charlie)
Mom!
44
00:01:49,841 --> 00:01:53,093
45
00:01:53,211 --> 00:01:55,880
Whoa-oh-whoa-oh-whoa, oh-oh
_
46
00:01:56,015 --> 00:02:00,217
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
47
00:02:00,352 --> 00:02:02,853
Okay, what is
the most important thing
48
00:02:02,971 --> 00:02:04,271
to remember
during an earthquake?
49
00:02:04,389 --> 00:02:05,389
Don't panic.
50
00:02:05,390 --> 00:02:06,774
That's right.
Do not panic.
51
00:02:06,891 --> 00:02:09,443
Jo, you were outside,
running around, screaming.
52
00:02:09,561 --> 00:02:12,563
Naked, and I saw
your butt, Aunt Jo.
53
00:02:12,697 --> 00:02:14,898
And naked, calling 911.
54
00:02:14,983 --> 00:02:16,734
Who did nothing,
by the way.
55
00:02:16,868 --> 00:02:18,786
It's an earthquake.
It's a little tremor.
56
00:02:18,903 --> 00:02:20,571
- It's completely normal.
- Oh, it's perfectly normal.
57
00:02:20,655 --> 00:02:22,823
Really?
A roof beam comes down on you,
58
00:02:22,907 --> 00:02:24,458
it'll amputate your leg
faster than a doctor
59
00:02:24,576 --> 00:02:26,076
in the Civil War.
Mark my word, okay?
60
00:02:26,244 --> 00:02:27,494
Gone to leg heaven.
61
00:02:27,579 --> 00:02:29,630
M?s huevos,
por favor.
62
00:02:29,748 --> 00:02:30,798
- Thanks, Abby.
- Gracias.
63
00:02:30,915 --> 00:02:32,800
I like
the parmesan-cheese touch.
64
00:02:32,917 --> 00:02:35,419
[speaking French]
65
00:02:35,587 --> 00:02:37,054
[speaking French]
66
00:02:37,172 --> 00:02:39,473
Did the school
give you your interview time?
67
00:02:39,591 --> 00:02:41,258
Oh, yeah, she's got
an interview tomorrow.
68
00:02:41,426 --> 00:02:43,761
The Center
is her first choice.
69
00:02:43,895 --> 00:02:46,814
It's the only school
that offers Japanese, Russian,
70
00:02:46,931 --> 00:02:49,016
and Chinese
in eighth grade.
71
00:02:49,100 --> 00:02:50,434
[mouth full]
Can you believe this?
72
00:02:50,602 --> 00:02:52,152
Thanks for letting
me shadow you today.
73
00:02:52,270 --> 00:02:53,604
It's fine.
74
00:02:53,738 --> 00:02:55,439
I'd like
to get there early
75
00:02:55,573 --> 00:02:56,653
to get the lay of the land.
76
00:02:56,691 --> 00:02:58,859
You know what they say?
Better never than late.
77
00:02:58,993 --> 00:03:00,577
- Did you just make that up?
- I wish.
78
00:03:00,695 --> 00:03:01,862
George Bernard Shaw.
79
00:03:01,996 --> 00:03:03,747
Come on, Charlie,
come on, Chad.
80
00:03:03,865 --> 00:03:05,249
Okay, we're coming.
81
00:03:05,367 --> 00:03:06,847
Oh, my God,
Chad does not like anyone.
82
00:03:06,951 --> 00:03:08,252
That's incredible.
[cell phone vibrating]
83
00:03:08,370 --> 00:03:09,620
She's amazing
with imaginary friends.
84
00:03:09,754 --> 00:03:11,455
I love you.
85
00:03:11,589 --> 00:03:12,589
[cell phone beeps]
86
00:03:12,707 --> 00:03:13,841
Hi, Warren.
How are you?
87
00:03:13,958 --> 00:03:15,292
- Come on, Chad.
- Can I call you back?
88
00:03:15,427 --> 00:03:17,678
Because I'm just getting
the kids ready for school.
89
00:03:17,796 --> 00:03:19,380
Okay.
90
00:03:19,514 --> 00:03:21,348
Uh, Great.
Oh, great.
91
00:03:21,466 --> 00:03:22,683
Thank you.
92
00:03:22,801 --> 00:03:24,601
Uh, thank you
for calling. Okay.
93
00:03:24,719 --> 00:03:25,602
Oh, my God.
94
00:03:25,687 --> 00:03:27,638
- What was that?
- That was my agent.
95
00:03:27,806 --> 00:03:29,440
HuffPo posted
my article today.
96
00:03:29,557 --> 00:03:30,641
And?
97
00:03:30,775 --> 00:03:32,976
- And I'm trending.
- What?
98
00:03:33,111 --> 00:03:35,145
Why Aren't You Divorced Yet
is trending.
99
00:03:35,230 --> 00:03:38,482
[gasps] Hot shit. Look at you.
You broke through the clutter.
100
00:03:38,616 --> 00:03:40,484
- I broke through the clutter.
- Whoo!
101
00:03:40,652 --> 00:03:42,736
Oh, thank God,
Noah's fine.
102
00:03:42,871 --> 00:03:44,488
He's in the shower. Logan slept
through the whole thing.
103
00:03:44,622 --> 00:03:45,622
He was like,
104
00:03:45,707 --> 00:03:48,125
[child's voice]
"There was an earthquake?"
105
00:03:48,209 --> 00:03:49,209
Amazing.
106
00:03:49,210 --> 00:03:50,577
Is it normal
for an eight-year-old
107
00:03:50,712 --> 00:03:52,129
to snore like
a hibernating bear?
108
00:03:52,213 --> 00:03:54,298
Please, I'm not adding
that to my list of things
109
00:03:54,382 --> 00:03:56,166
to worry about.
110
00:03:56,301 --> 00:03:58,836
- Max.
- Yeah?
111
00:03:59,003 --> 00:04:00,838
About my trip last week
to Texas.
112
00:04:00,972 --> 00:04:02,506
We are
on a need-to-know basis,
113
00:04:02,590 --> 00:04:05,476
and I do not need to know.
114
00:04:09,147 --> 00:04:10,481
The final divorce decree
115
00:04:10,598 --> 00:04:13,100
simply requires your signature
on all the indicated pages,
116
00:04:13,184 --> 00:04:16,437
and your marriage
will be legally dissolved.
117
00:04:16,571 --> 00:04:17,821
Please show Mr. Beech
to your desk.
118
00:04:17,906 --> 00:04:18,946
Congratulations,
Mr. Beech.
119
00:04:18,990 --> 00:04:20,691
(woman)
Mr. Beech, this way.
120
00:04:20,825 --> 00:04:22,359
Uh, could we have
a moment alone
121
00:04:22,527 --> 00:04:23,527
before I sign?
122
00:04:23,578 --> 00:04:24,661
Actually,
I have a meeting waiting,
123
00:04:24,746 --> 00:04:26,330
but my paralegal
here is also a notary,
124
00:04:26,414 --> 00:04:27,748
and when you are ready,
125
00:04:27,866 --> 00:04:30,117
she will be able to take care
of all your needs
126
00:04:30,201 --> 00:04:32,336
much better than I can.
127
00:04:41,212 --> 00:04:43,046
Gordon, you need to go.
128
00:04:43,131 --> 00:04:45,182
Will you shut up for a second
and let me talk?
129
00:04:45,266 --> 00:04:46,683
I realize
that you're still angry,
130
00:04:46,768 --> 00:04:48,018
but I want you to look me
in the eye
131
00:04:48,102 --> 00:04:50,220
and tell me that you have never
done anything questionable
132
00:04:50,355 --> 00:04:51,355
during a battle.
133
00:04:51,389 --> 00:04:53,690
That is not
the point, okay?
134
00:04:53,775 --> 00:04:56,193
This is about...
135
00:04:56,311 --> 00:04:57,361
trust--
136
00:04:57,479 --> 00:04:59,229
Something neither you or I
is good at.
137
00:04:59,314 --> 00:05:00,948
Well, I see that
as a net plus.
138
00:05:01,065 --> 00:05:03,033
We go into this thing
with our eyes wide open.
139
00:05:03,117 --> 00:05:06,236
We're cynical, sure,
but we're equal.
140
00:05:06,321 --> 00:05:09,907
Two peas
in an amoral pod, huh?
141
00:05:09,991 --> 00:05:11,625
I see that Variety
listed you
142
00:05:11,743 --> 00:05:15,329
in their
Top 40 under 40 issue.
143
00:05:15,413 --> 00:05:16,580
Congratulations.
144
00:05:16,714 --> 00:05:17,965
Thank you.
145
00:05:18,082 --> 00:05:19,633
The article
listed you as single.
146
00:05:19,751 --> 00:05:22,085
So?
I am.
147
00:05:24,756 --> 00:05:27,174
I just booked a suite
at the Four Seasons in Bora-Bora
148
00:05:27,258 --> 00:05:28,892
for next week--
Come with me.
149
00:05:28,977 --> 00:05:31,728
We'll have very dirty,
hot makeup sex,
150
00:05:31,813 --> 00:05:35,315
and then we'll fight again
so we can have some more.
151
00:05:35,433 --> 00:05:37,351
Think about it,
Ms. Banai.
152
00:05:46,277 --> 00:05:47,694
- Mwah. Go have fun.
- Blow their minds, babe, okay?
153
00:05:47,779 --> 00:05:48,779
Learn something.
154
00:05:48,830 --> 00:05:50,364
You nervous?
155
00:05:50,498 --> 00:05:52,249
Don't be nervous.
156
00:05:52,367 --> 00:05:54,418
Listen, I can't have this thing
go sideways, okay?
157
00:05:54,536 --> 00:05:56,169
You sure I don't have
to write a big, fat check
158
00:05:56,287 --> 00:05:58,205
or blow somebody, you know,
159
00:05:58,289 --> 00:05:59,790
pull out the Latino card
or anything like that?
160
00:05:59,958 --> 00:06:01,291
- Stop. Stop.
- What?
161
00:06:01,376 --> 00:06:02,843
I'm gonna introduce you
to the fund-raising committee.
162
00:06:02,961 --> 00:06:04,344
They have huge pull
in admissions,
163
00:06:04,462 --> 00:06:06,129
and besides,
Zooey is so fantastic.
164
00:06:06,214 --> 00:06:07,965
Of course
they're gonna take her.
165
00:06:08,099 --> 00:06:09,550
Wow.
What is happening?
166
00:06:09,684 --> 00:06:10,551
Bring it.
167
00:06:10,635 --> 00:06:12,386
Business Barbie,
explain.
168
00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:13,637
I'm going
to meet Marco.
169
00:06:13,721 --> 00:06:15,355
I thought you were
on a man-cation.
170
00:06:15,473 --> 00:06:17,641
Oh, it's not like that.
I actually have an amazing idea
171
00:06:17,775 --> 00:06:19,309
to expand Homegrown's
visibility.
172
00:06:19,394 --> 00:06:20,694
Really?
173
00:06:20,812 --> 00:06:23,447
And Ford helped me design
an incredible marketing idea,
174
00:06:23,531 --> 00:06:25,148
so I'm gonna go pitch it
to Marco right now.
175
00:06:25,233 --> 00:06:26,233
This is incredible.
176
00:06:26,317 --> 00:06:28,402
By the way,
your HuffPo piece--
177
00:06:28,536 --> 00:06:29,953
- Genius.
- Thank you.
178
00:06:30,071 --> 00:06:31,154
I would get divorced again if
I wasn't already divorced twice.
179
00:06:31,239 --> 00:06:33,040
Thank you so much.
What a sweet thing to say.
180
00:06:33,157 --> 00:06:34,241
Um, so who's the guy?
181
00:06:34,375 --> 00:06:35,659
- Come on, give it to me.
- Which one?
182
00:06:35,793 --> 00:06:37,327
You know, the Tinder guy,
who is he? Date number five.
183
00:06:37,462 --> 00:06:38,996
- The penis guy.
- No, I'm not telling you.
184
00:06:39,130 --> 00:06:40,747
- Abby McCarthy, give it to me.
- No.
185
00:06:40,832 --> 00:06:42,833
- Abby McCarthy.
- Lips are sealed.
186
00:06:42,967 --> 00:06:44,751
- Taking it to the grave.
- I want--
187
00:06:44,836 --> 00:06:46,970
I'm a journalist.
188
00:06:47,055 --> 00:06:49,006
I don't reveal my sources.
189
00:06:49,140 --> 00:06:50,841
[school bell ringing]
This isn't over.
190
00:06:50,925 --> 00:06:53,010
[laughs]
191
00:06:53,144 --> 00:06:54,511
Okay, take a deep breath.
192
00:06:54,646 --> 00:06:55,812
- Lay of the land.
- Uh-huh.
193
00:06:55,897 --> 00:06:57,648
Cheryl Platt is head
of the committee--blonde hair,
194
00:06:57,732 --> 00:06:59,349
- usually in a ponytail.
- She's the alpha, got it.
195
00:06:59,484 --> 00:07:01,364
She gives blood, sweat,
and money to the school,
196
00:07:01,519 --> 00:07:03,654
and she essentially lives
inside the principal's ass.
197
00:07:03,771 --> 00:07:05,822
So, if you kiss that ring,
your daughter is as good as in.
198
00:07:05,907 --> 00:07:07,608
Time to turn
on my charm offensive.
199
00:07:07,742 --> 00:07:09,943
More charm,
less offensive, please.
200
00:07:10,078 --> 00:07:11,328
- Got it.
- Oh, my God.
201
00:07:11,412 --> 00:07:12,863
- What?
- That's Karen Kline.
202
00:07:12,997 --> 00:07:14,464
- Who?
- That's Nate's wife.
203
00:07:14,565 --> 00:07:15,949
Nate, Nate, Nate, Nate--
The guy who was crap in bed.
204
00:07:16,084 --> 00:07:17,084
(both)
Jackrabbit.
205
00:07:17,201 --> 00:07:18,452
Oh, my gosh.
Does she know?
206
00:07:18,603 --> 00:07:20,337
(Abby) I doubt it. I think
they got back together.
207
00:07:20,421 --> 00:07:22,255
Abby.
208
00:07:22,373 --> 00:07:23,874
- Cheryl, hi.
- Hi.
209
00:07:24,042 --> 00:07:25,258
How are you?
210
00:07:25,376 --> 00:07:26,960
It's so good to see you.
211
00:07:27,045 --> 00:07:28,712
Karen, I didn't know
you were on this committee.
212
00:07:28,796 --> 00:07:30,130
Oh, yeah,
213
00:07:30,214 --> 00:07:32,299
I got bored with hot lunch,
decided to try something new.
214
00:07:32,383 --> 00:07:34,718
I love that.
This is--this is my friend Jo.
215
00:07:34,802 --> 00:07:36,186
Her daughter
is an applicant.
216
00:07:36,304 --> 00:07:37,888
Hi.
A minority applicant.
217
00:07:38,056 --> 00:07:40,357
Josefina Hern?ndez-Frumpkis.
Es encantada.
218
00:07:40,441 --> 00:07:42,359
Nice to meet you.
I like your ponytail.
219
00:07:42,443 --> 00:07:44,695
Muffins, lovely.
Look at that.
220
00:07:44,779 --> 00:07:46,146
Very nice muffins.
221
00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:48,565
So we've all been buzzing
about your piece in the HuffPo.
222
00:07:48,733 --> 00:07:49,900
Oh, yeah?
Thank you.
223
00:07:50,034 --> 00:07:51,902
- Some pretty bold stuff.
- Yeah.
224
00:07:52,036 --> 00:07:53,070
Well, dish.
225
00:07:53,237 --> 00:07:55,288
Who's the cheater guy?
226
00:07:55,406 --> 00:07:56,456
What?
227
00:07:56,574 --> 00:07:58,325
Date number five.
228
00:07:58,459 --> 00:07:59,826
[laughing]
Oh.
229
00:07:59,961 --> 00:08:01,411
Come on, Abby,
it's just us.
230
00:08:01,496 --> 00:08:03,380
Is he a parent here
at the Center?
231
00:08:03,498 --> 00:08:05,165
Don't you think we should talk
about fund-raising?
232
00:08:05,249 --> 00:08:06,917
Don't you think
we have a right
233
00:08:07,051 --> 00:08:09,836
to know if one of our husbands
is putting his penis on Tinder?
234
00:08:09,971 --> 00:08:12,889
[chuckles]
Um, you know what?
235
00:08:12,974 --> 00:08:15,892
I'm a journalist, and I have
to protect my sources.
236
00:08:15,977 --> 00:08:19,062
Is that what that was--
Journalism?
237
00:08:19,147 --> 00:08:21,765
(Cheryl) Look, Abby, some
of us like our husbands.
238
00:08:21,849 --> 00:08:24,685
We want to know if there's
a problem so we can fix it,
239
00:08:24,769 --> 00:08:27,521
even though most married
people--how did you say?--
240
00:08:27,605 --> 00:08:31,742
Are bound in a codependent
death spiral.
241
00:08:31,859 --> 00:08:35,779
Well, I wasn't insinuating that
everyone needs to get a divorce.
242
00:08:35,863 --> 00:08:37,247
- I was merely saying--
- [slamming table]
243
00:08:37,331 --> 00:08:40,751
I'm sorry, but what kind
of junior-high mommy mafia
244
00:08:40,868 --> 00:08:43,286
anti-feminist
bullshit is this?
245
00:08:43,371 --> 00:08:44,921
Have we all not seen
The Vagina Monologues?
246
00:08:45,006 --> 00:08:47,257
- Okay, Jo, you don't--
- Ladies, it's not her fault
247
00:08:47,341 --> 00:08:49,593
that your husband's cheating
on you or your husband
248
00:08:49,677 --> 00:08:51,461
or your husband
or your husband.
249
00:08:51,596 --> 00:08:54,097
If he screwed her,
that's fine.
250
00:08:54,182 --> 00:08:55,298
It would have been someone else
if he didn't screw her.
251
00:08:55,433 --> 00:08:56,550
- Okay.
- She doesn't need
252
00:08:56,634 --> 00:08:58,301
- to wear your scarlet A, okay?
- Jo.
253
00:08:58,469 --> 00:09:00,887
She's a brilliant,
badass single woman
254
00:09:01,022 --> 00:09:03,724
entitled to screw
as many hot dudes as she wants,
255
00:09:03,858 --> 00:09:05,809
and if you don't like it,
suck it, ladies!
256
00:09:06,393 --> 00:09:07,327
Okay?
257
00:09:07,411 --> 00:09:09,379
So nice meeting you... c'mon.
258
00:09:13,029 --> 00:09:15,530
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
259
00:09:16,065 --> 00:09:17,181
Why didn't you
shut me down?
260
00:09:17,266 --> 00:09:18,433
Shut you down?
261
00:09:18,567 --> 00:09:19,684
You know the Mouth
has impulse-control issues.
262
00:09:19,768 --> 00:09:20,935
It's like trying
to shut the Hulk down.
263
00:09:21,070 --> 00:09:22,770
I forgot to take my Concerta
this morning.
264
00:09:22,905 --> 00:09:24,322
I am so mortified.
265
00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:26,190
- Shit, shit.
- God.
266
00:09:26,275 --> 00:09:27,742
Okay, you know what?
267
00:09:27,860 --> 00:09:29,877
I just--I'm sorry,
but I-I couldn't stand to watch
268
00:09:29,945 --> 00:09:31,946
those judg-o-nauts bully
you like that.
269
00:09:32,114 --> 00:09:34,248
It was Mean Girls on steroids.
Not okay.
270
00:09:34,349 --> 00:09:35,450
Thank you so much
for being my friend.
271
00:09:35,584 --> 00:09:36,584
I appreciate that,
272
00:09:36,618 --> 00:09:38,035
but that is not the kind
of help that I need.
273
00:09:38,170 --> 00:09:40,922
Oh, God. The one thing that
my baby wanted, I screwed it up.
274
00:09:41,006 --> 00:09:42,707
I'm never gonna eat hot lunch
in this town again.
275
00:09:42,841 --> 00:09:44,542
I definitely have to blow
someone now, don't I?
276
00:09:44,676 --> 00:09:46,156
- Oh, my God.
- I got to blow someone.
277
00:09:46,178 --> 00:09:47,345
- Do not.
- Oh, yeah.
278
00:09:47,463 --> 00:09:50,047
No, no, no, no, no,
you will not do that.
279
00:09:50,182 --> 00:09:51,982
You will write a big, fat check
to the school.
280
00:09:52,017 --> 00:09:53,851
You will give it to them
before her interview.
281
00:09:53,969 --> 00:09:55,609
All will be forgotten.
I promise you that.
282
00:09:55,721 --> 00:09:56,721
You're gonna be fine.
283
00:09:56,855 --> 00:09:58,473
I, on the other hand,
284
00:09:58,607 --> 00:10:02,110
am completely screwed
and would have to lay low,
285
00:10:02,227 --> 00:10:05,146
like, incredibly low,
like, mine shaft low.
286
00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:07,615
[cell phone vibrating]
I mean, so low, just--
287
00:10:07,733 --> 00:10:09,317
Hello?
288
00:10:09,485 --> 00:10:11,702
This is Abby McCarthy.
289
00:10:11,820 --> 00:10:14,789
Uh, hi, Amanda from HuffPo.
290
00:10:15,807 --> 00:10:17,959
Uh, today?
A sit-down?
291
00:10:18,076 --> 00:10:20,828
Uh, yes, yes,
I can make that happen.
292
00:10:20,996 --> 00:10:22,304
What time?
293
00:10:22,529 --> 00:10:23,788
Great, I'll be there.
294
00:10:24,299 --> 00:10:26,250
So it's like
an edible schoolyard?
295
00:10:26,335 --> 00:10:28,219
Yeah, it's farm-to-table,
296
00:10:28,337 --> 00:10:30,177
Alice Waters, which is
all the rage these days.
297
00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:31,589
Yeah, no, no, it's catchy.
298
00:10:31,673 --> 00:10:33,674
The idea is that we
use your produce
299
00:10:33,809 --> 00:10:35,676
to build edible walls at schools
around the city--
300
00:10:35,761 --> 00:10:37,311
Fresh fruits and veggies
for the kids
301
00:10:37,396 --> 00:10:39,814
and free PR for Homegrown.
302
00:10:39,898 --> 00:10:41,098
Best part is,
303
00:10:41,183 --> 00:10:42,817
I don't think you're gonna have
to put up a dime.
304
00:10:42,935 --> 00:10:44,435
Good, because
I don't have it.
305
00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:46,571
I know.
So Ford hooked us up.
306
00:10:46,688 --> 00:10:48,489
It turns out
his client, Coca-Cola,
307
00:10:48,574 --> 00:10:50,775
has money earmarked
for eco-sponsorship,
308
00:10:50,859 --> 00:10:53,778
and--and I'm pretty sure they
cover all the startup costs.
309
00:10:53,912 --> 00:10:55,863
- Mm.
- What?
310
00:10:56,848 --> 00:10:58,732
You must think I'm some kind
of asshole, huh?
311
00:10:59,317 --> 00:11:00,250
What?
312
00:11:00,268 --> 00:11:01,569
You want me to take
corporate money.
313
00:11:01,653 --> 00:11:03,104
Sorry, love, not interested.
314
00:11:03,721 --> 00:11:05,456
Marco. Hey, Marco, look--
315
00:11:05,591 --> 00:11:07,458
I'm not--
316
00:11:08,093 --> 00:11:09,644
Look, what you do here
is special,
317
00:11:09,678 --> 00:11:11,596
and I appreciate
your principles,
318
00:11:11,713 --> 00:11:14,215
but you are perpetually
five minutes
319
00:11:14,349 --> 00:11:15,550
from being
out of business.
320
00:11:15,684 --> 00:11:17,218
Hey, you know,
that's the nature of the beast.
321
00:11:17,302 --> 00:11:18,302
Okay, exactly.
322
00:11:18,387 --> 00:11:20,938
This deal would increase
your profile,
323
00:11:21,056 --> 00:11:22,723
and it will keep
your doors open.
324
00:11:22,858 --> 00:11:25,109
All Coke is asking for
is a little plaque
325
00:11:25,227 --> 00:11:26,444
and a meeting with you.
326
00:11:26,562 --> 00:11:27,979
That's it.
327
00:11:28,063 --> 00:11:29,780
You'd have to be an asshole
to pass this up.
328
00:11:29,898 --> 00:11:31,258
Did you just
call me an asshole?
329
00:11:31,283 --> 00:11:32,567
Yes, I did.
330
00:11:32,701 --> 00:11:35,403
Why don't you use their money
to push your agenda?
331
00:11:41,243 --> 00:11:42,243
Nice digs.
332
00:11:42,377 --> 00:11:43,411
Yeah, well, you know,
333
00:11:43,545 --> 00:11:44,962
if they're gonna keep us
chained to our desks,
334
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:47,215
the least they can do
is give us a view, right?
335
00:11:47,332 --> 00:11:48,583
- Oh, my God.
- Hey, Rosie?
336
00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:49,917
Who are these from?
337
00:11:50,052 --> 00:11:52,253
They're
from Josh Groban.
338
00:11:52,337 --> 00:11:55,056
What?
Oh, my gosh, the Grobes?
339
00:11:55,173 --> 00:11:56,891
Oh,
I'm a huge Grobanite.
340
00:11:56,975 --> 00:11:59,393
(Rosie) Apparently he saw you
in the "40 under 40" article
341
00:11:59,478 --> 00:12:01,095
and wants to take you to dinner.
Josh Groban?
342
00:12:01,230 --> 00:12:04,265
- Josh Groban?
- Wow. 40 under 40, nice.
343
00:12:04,349 --> 00:12:08,069
It is PR puffery,
but it is good for business.
344
00:12:08,153 --> 00:12:09,153
Thanks, Rosie.
345
00:12:09,238 --> 00:12:10,271
Okay, if you're gonna
pass on him,
346
00:12:10,405 --> 00:12:11,572
I'll take sloppy seconds.
347
00:12:11,690 --> 00:12:13,274
I bet I could make that voice
drop at least an octave.
348
00:12:13,358 --> 00:12:14,942
Huh?
349
00:12:15,027 --> 00:12:16,577
Oh, you're not laughing?
350
00:12:16,695 --> 00:12:18,779
You got some bad news?
351
00:12:18,914 --> 00:12:19,914
Yeah.
352
00:12:19,948 --> 00:12:21,699
I looked
through your financials,
353
00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:24,252
and, honey,
you are rich on paper,
354
00:12:24,336 --> 00:12:25,953
but you're
very cash-poor.
355
00:12:26,088 --> 00:12:27,255
I know that
the bakery money
356
00:12:27,372 --> 00:12:29,212
is--is tied up in the new store
and everything,
357
00:12:29,341 --> 00:12:30,958
but what about
the--the savings?
358
00:12:31,093 --> 00:12:33,427
Well, obviously a chunk
of it went into the horses.
359
00:12:33,545 --> 00:12:35,096
- Horses?
- Mm-hmm.
360
00:12:35,180 --> 00:12:37,965
No, I'm sorry. There's got to be
some kind of mistake.
361
00:12:38,050 --> 00:12:39,267
I-I don't horse.
362
00:12:39,351 --> 00:12:41,969
[scoffs] Well, then why do
you own six thoroughbreds
363
00:12:42,054 --> 00:12:43,888
on your stud farm
in Kentucky?
364
00:12:45,891 --> 00:12:47,642
Stud what?
365
00:12:47,776 --> 00:12:49,143
Hi.
366
00:12:49,227 --> 00:12:51,362
Oh, great.
367
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:52,563
Abby.
368
00:12:52,698 --> 00:12:53,648
- Hi.
- Don't get up. Don't get up.
369
00:12:53,815 --> 00:12:55,983
- Amanda, Huffington Post.
- Sorry. Hi.
370
00:12:56,118 --> 00:12:57,652
I'm sorry. I was stuck
in a meeting...
371
00:12:57,786 --> 00:12:59,820
- No, it's okay.
- All about you, my dear.
372
00:12:59,905 --> 00:13:01,289
Me?
373
00:13:01,373 --> 00:13:02,540
Wow. My article
just came out.
374
00:13:02,658 --> 00:13:04,825
I guess that's
what happens when you trend.
375
00:13:04,993 --> 00:13:08,162
Well, you are now
trending with Arianna,
376
00:13:08,297 --> 00:13:09,580
because she really
loved your piece.
377
00:13:09,665 --> 00:13:12,133
Arianna Huffington?
378
00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:14,218
We were all impressed
with how you bounced back
379
00:13:14,336 --> 00:13:15,670
from that YouTube fiasco.
380
00:13:15,804 --> 00:13:17,838
- Oh, did she see that?
- Everybody did.
381
00:13:17,973 --> 00:13:19,557
It could have been
a career killer,
382
00:13:19,675 --> 00:13:21,676
but you owned it.
383
00:13:21,810 --> 00:13:22,927
Advocating for divorce--
384
00:13:23,061 --> 00:13:25,012
I mean, that took
some serious balls.
385
00:13:25,097 --> 00:13:27,148
[laughs]
Yeah.
386
00:13:27,232 --> 00:13:30,935
Tell me, please, was
the bow-tie penis story true?
387
00:13:31,019 --> 00:13:33,688
That is hilarious.
From balls to penis.
388
00:13:33,822 --> 00:13:34,989
That's my segue.
389
00:13:35,073 --> 00:13:36,691
I know.
That's a wonderful segue.
390
00:13:36,825 --> 00:13:38,359
Yes, it is a true story,
391
00:13:38,493 --> 00:13:40,411
and, in fact,
it was a hot-pink bow tie
392
00:13:40,529 --> 00:13:43,948
on a rather engorged, uh,
uncircumcised...
393
00:13:44,032 --> 00:13:45,366
[laughs]
reddish penis.
394
00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:46,810
I wouldn't have gone
with hot pink.
395
00:13:46,918 --> 00:13:48,035
- That's so crazy.
- That's not the right color.
396
00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:49,170
It's not his color.
397
00:13:49,287 --> 00:13:50,454
That is just perfect,
perfect, perfect.
398
00:13:50,539 --> 00:13:52,540
That's what we want,
your unique take
399
00:13:52,708 --> 00:13:55,376
on the whole divorce dating
landscape--
400
00:13:55,510 --> 00:13:56,877
The good, the bad,
and the ugly,
401
00:13:57,045 --> 00:14:01,215
raw, sexy, uncensored
Abby McCarthy.
402
00:14:01,299 --> 00:14:03,851
Raw, sexy,
uncensored, wow.
403
00:14:03,969 --> 00:14:04,969
We love it.
404
00:14:05,103 --> 00:14:07,688
We're thinking
front-page promotion
405
00:14:07,806 --> 00:14:12,226
and making you editor-at-large,
Huff Post Divorce.
406
00:14:13,261 --> 00:14:15,529
Um, that's incredible.
Wow.
407
00:14:15,614 --> 00:14:17,732
I-I don't know
what to say.
408
00:14:17,866 --> 00:14:21,402
You are having a moment.
409
00:14:21,536 --> 00:14:24,739
If I were you,
I'd say yes.
410
00:14:32,414 --> 00:14:34,131
- Hi.
- Hey.
411
00:14:34,249 --> 00:14:37,084
What's going on?
Did somebody die?
412
00:14:38,887 --> 00:14:40,421
Lilly's been
getting bullied at school.
413
00:14:40,505 --> 00:14:42,506
What? Why?
What happened?
414
00:14:42,641 --> 00:14:44,308
I don't understand
why this is such a big deal.
415
00:14:44,426 --> 00:14:45,726
It's a big deal becau--
416
00:14:48,346 --> 00:14:49,597
Jake?
417
00:14:49,731 --> 00:14:51,432
There's a list
going around school,
418
00:14:51,566 --> 00:14:53,768
a slut list,
and Lilly's on it.
419
00:14:53,902 --> 00:14:54,935
Oh, my God.
420
00:14:55,070 --> 00:14:56,771
(Charlie)
Lilly's a slut
421
00:14:56,938 --> 00:14:59,907
- Charlie!
-
Lilly's a slut
422
00:15:00,025 --> 00:15:02,159
[door slams]
423
00:15:06,236 --> 00:15:07,403
What are you talking about?
424
00:15:07,428 --> 00:15:10,005
Look, the parents are talking
about the Huffington Post article,
425
00:15:10,072 --> 00:15:11,489
just like they used to talk
about your books
426
00:15:11,624 --> 00:15:12,824
and our kids' poops
and colics,
427
00:15:12,992 --> 00:15:15,126
except now it's ten dates
in two days
428
00:15:15,244 --> 00:15:16,795
and an electric
sexual encounter
429
00:15:16,913 --> 00:15:18,797
and a penis cheater
with a bow tie.
430
00:15:19,081 --> 00:15:20,915
So it's my fault?
431
00:15:21,033 --> 00:15:22,250
- Abby--
- That's not fair.
432
00:15:22,368 --> 00:15:23,952
Abby, the parents talk.
The kids aren't deaf.
433
00:15:24,036 --> 00:15:25,537
I don't want
to fight about this,
434
00:15:25,621 --> 00:15:27,338
'cause I'm gonna call
the principal,
435
00:15:27,423 --> 00:15:28,623
and I'm gonna get
to the bottom of this.
436
00:15:28,757 --> 00:15:30,708
Good, and in the mean--
Abby?
437
00:15:30,843 --> 00:15:32,177
And in the meantime,
438
00:15:32,294 --> 00:15:34,345
I think you need to lay off the
50 Shades of Abby Shit.
439
00:15:34,430 --> 00:15:35,880
While we have a daughter
in high school.
440
00:15:35,965 --> 00:15:37,182
Well, that's gonna be
a little difficult,
441
00:15:37,266 --> 00:15:41,269
because Arianna Huffington
read my "column of shame,"
442
00:15:41,387 --> 00:15:42,554
and she loved it,
443
00:15:42,688 --> 00:15:44,722
and she's offered me
a full-time gig.
444
00:15:44,890 --> 00:15:47,275
Okay, I think that is
a really, really bad idea.
445
00:15:47,393 --> 00:15:49,611
Well, I think I really,
really need to pay
446
00:15:49,728 --> 00:15:51,062
for the crack
in the foundation,
447
00:15:51,147 --> 00:15:52,427
and I think I really need to pay
448
00:15:52,448 --> 00:15:55,867
for your "$8 billion a month"
spousal support.
449
00:15:55,985 --> 00:15:57,202
Hey, keep your voice down.
450
00:15:57,286 --> 00:15:59,237
Horses!
451
00:15:59,371 --> 00:16:02,540
Goddamn,
motherfrickin' horses.
452
00:16:05,411 --> 00:16:08,046
I don't understand. Why would
Frumpkis buy six horses?
453
00:16:08,130 --> 00:16:09,297
We went
to a renaissance fair once.
454
00:16:09,415 --> 00:16:10,665
He nearly keeled over
from an asthma attack.
455
00:16:10,799 --> 00:16:12,000
It doesn't make any sense.
456
00:16:12,084 --> 00:16:15,587
[chuckles]
457
00:16:15,671 --> 00:16:16,921
You know what?
458
00:16:17,006 --> 00:16:19,140
The important thing is...
459
00:16:19,258 --> 00:16:21,142
what are you gonna do?
460
00:16:21,260 --> 00:16:22,760
I told Delia
to keep on digging.
461
00:16:22,895 --> 00:16:24,429
I want to know every cent
that son of a bitch
462
00:16:24,563 --> 00:16:26,648
has spent or hidden
in the past five years.
463
00:16:26,765 --> 00:16:27,982
Mm.
464
00:16:28,100 --> 00:16:30,068
Mm.
465
00:16:30,186 --> 00:16:31,569
Zooey's got
to nail that interview now.
466
00:16:31,687 --> 00:16:33,321
She's got to nail it.
467
00:16:33,439 --> 00:16:36,774
No big checks
for a while.
468
00:16:36,859 --> 00:16:38,109
- You want this?
- Mm-mm.
469
00:16:38,244 --> 00:16:40,004
A couple of bites
of high fructose corn syrup
470
00:16:40,112 --> 00:16:41,552
and all your troubles
will disappear.
471
00:16:41,580 --> 00:16:42,780
I have my corn syrup.
472
00:16:42,915 --> 00:16:45,667
Good for you.
Skinny bitch.
473
00:16:45,784 --> 00:16:48,203
[chuckles]
474
00:16:50,623 --> 00:16:52,707
I brought the hall of shame
on to my family, Jo.
475
00:16:52,791 --> 00:16:54,709
Oh, come on.
476
00:16:57,012 --> 00:17:01,349
Did my piece put Lilly
on the slut list?
477
00:17:03,302 --> 00:17:04,352
Am I the slut?
478
00:17:04,470 --> 00:17:06,304
Definitely not.
479
00:17:06,472 --> 00:17:07,689
You're not even
sleeping with a man.
480
00:17:07,806 --> 00:17:09,140
You're sleeping
with a manuscript.
481
00:17:09,275 --> 00:17:10,395
You've got to call this guy,
482
00:17:10,526 --> 00:17:12,443
or you've got to read this
or something.
483
00:17:12,528 --> 00:17:14,779
Are you afraid it's bad?
484
00:17:14,863 --> 00:17:16,698
Who cares? What, are you
gonna marry the guy?
485
00:17:16,815 --> 00:17:19,317
Come on,
just call him.
486
00:17:21,370 --> 00:17:22,987
There's one more cupcake
downstairs.
487
00:17:23,155 --> 00:17:25,156
I'm gonna split it
with you.
488
00:17:25,291 --> 00:17:26,874
No, I won't.
It's all mine.
489
00:17:26,992 --> 00:17:28,626
I'm on a Frumpkis bender.
490
00:17:28,711 --> 00:17:29,911
Yes!
491
00:17:33,249 --> 00:17:34,249
(Phoebe)
That was amazing.
492
00:17:34,333 --> 00:17:35,717
Ford, you were
so smooth and sexy,
493
00:17:35,835 --> 00:17:37,803
you could sell
those Coke guys a Sprite.
494
00:17:37,887 --> 00:17:41,072
What did you call us--
Next-gen urban locavores?
495
00:17:41,090 --> 00:17:42,424
Oh, that's
just marketing BS.
496
00:17:42,558 --> 00:17:44,426
It was you two
that they loved.
497
00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:47,095
Phoebe's passion
for reclaiming space
498
00:17:47,179 --> 00:17:49,764
and your thoughts on
health-oriented social justice--
499
00:17:49,932 --> 00:17:51,099
They ate that stuff up.
500
00:17:51,183 --> 00:17:53,902
Ford, thank you for putting
all this together, man.
501
00:17:54,020 --> 00:17:55,353
Hey, thank this lady.
502
00:17:55,488 --> 00:17:57,022
All right,
I need to get to it.
503
00:17:57,156 --> 00:17:58,573
- Mwah, mwah.
- Thank you for everything.
504
00:17:58,657 --> 00:18:00,358
Look forward
to working together
505
00:18:00,493 --> 00:18:02,660
and go kick
some hydroponic butt.
506
00:18:02,778 --> 00:18:04,362
(Phoebe) Oh, my God, we
have to go celebrate.
507
00:18:04,497 --> 00:18:05,747
Please,
can we celebrate?
508
00:18:05,865 --> 00:18:07,332
Why--
What is that face?
509
00:18:07,450 --> 00:18:09,784
Does the signage
have to say Homegrown...
510
00:18:09,952 --> 00:18:11,472
- Oh, my God.
- Presented by Coca-Cola?
511
00:18:11,504 --> 00:18:13,371
Marco, please, please.
512
00:18:13,506 --> 00:18:16,541
Sometimes you have to give
a little to get a lot.
513
00:18:17,676 --> 00:18:18,793
You're right, Phoebe.
514
00:18:18,928 --> 00:18:21,880
Thank you for--
For what Ford said.
515
00:18:21,964 --> 00:18:24,883
I mean, your passion is--
It's incredible.
516
00:18:26,886 --> 00:18:28,720
Whoa.
Um...
517
00:18:28,854 --> 00:18:30,972
- Oh, wow.
- Phoebe, I'm sorry.
518
00:18:31,057 --> 00:18:33,191
Did I give a--
The wrong vibe?
519
00:18:33,309 --> 00:18:35,693
No, you did not--did not give
the wrong vibe.
520
00:18:35,811 --> 00:18:36,811
I'm sorry.
521
00:18:36,946 --> 00:18:39,814
Um, I'm gonna go.
522
00:18:41,617 --> 00:18:43,234
I am such an idiot.
Oh, my God.
523
00:18:45,154 --> 00:18:47,872
You've reached Max McCarthy
and McCarthy Landscapes.
524
00:18:47,990 --> 00:18:49,290
Please leave a message.
525
00:18:49,375 --> 00:18:50,825
Hey, babe, it's me again.
526
00:18:50,910 --> 00:18:52,127
Give me a ring.
527
00:19:02,505 --> 00:19:06,341
The Getty Center?
528
00:19:06,509 --> 00:19:07,675
I don't care if your client
is from Bordeaux.
529
00:19:07,843 --> 00:19:09,010
My client
gets half the wine cellar,
530
00:19:09,145 --> 00:19:13,014
or you will see my smiling face
in court.
531
00:19:13,182 --> 00:19:15,517
[sighs]
[knock at door]
532
00:19:15,601 --> 00:19:16,601
Gordon Beech is holding.
533
00:19:16,685 --> 00:19:17,769
Thanks.
534
00:19:19,822 --> 00:19:21,689
[inhales deeply]
535
00:19:21,857 --> 00:19:23,643
[exhales sharply]
536
00:19:25,361 --> 00:19:26,444
Yes?
537
00:19:26,529 --> 00:19:29,114
(Gordon) So I understand
playing hard to get,
538
00:19:29,248 --> 00:19:30,665
but this is getting
a little silly, don't you think?
539
00:19:30,783 --> 00:19:31,783
(Delia)
I'm not playing.
540
00:19:31,917 --> 00:19:33,618
- I'm mulling.
- Take a risk.
541
00:19:33,752 --> 00:19:35,036
In my profession,
542
00:19:35,171 --> 00:19:38,840
we learn to evaluate the risks
and act accordingly.
543
00:19:38,958 --> 00:19:40,542
Fine.
544
00:19:40,676 --> 00:19:42,343
Evaluate your risks
545
00:19:42,461 --> 00:19:46,214
with me on the most
beautiful beach in the world.
546
00:19:46,348 --> 00:19:47,849
The plane
leaves Friday night.
547
00:19:47,967 --> 00:19:49,767
I'll pick you up at 8:00.
548
00:19:49,885 --> 00:19:50,885
Say yes...
549
00:19:50,936 --> 00:19:51,936
or yes.
550
00:19:51,937 --> 00:19:53,104
Maybe.
551
00:19:53,222 --> 00:19:54,389
You know, in 20 years,
552
00:19:54,557 --> 00:19:55,940
you're going to be
more disappointed by the things
553
00:19:56,058 --> 00:19:58,443
you didn't do
than the ones you did.
554
00:19:58,561 --> 00:19:59,727
That's Mark Twain.
555
00:19:59,895 --> 00:20:01,729
Yes.
556
00:20:01,897 --> 00:20:04,732
But it's also me.
557
00:20:04,867 --> 00:20:06,568
I'm just asking you
to give us a chance.
558
00:20:09,872 --> 00:20:11,739
Your persistence
is charming.
559
00:20:11,874 --> 00:20:14,409
I'll take that
as an "I'll see you then."
560
00:20:14,577 --> 00:20:16,995
[cell phone beeps]
561
00:20:21,967 --> 00:20:23,635
- This just came by messenger.
- Oh.
562
00:20:23,752 --> 00:20:25,220
It's from the PI
you put on Frumpkis.
563
00:20:25,304 --> 00:20:26,824
Great.
That was fast.
564
00:20:29,558 --> 00:20:31,143
[scoffs]
565
00:20:31,168 --> 00:20:32,951
Oh, no.
566
00:20:33,012 --> 00:20:34,345
(woman) As you know,
we have zero tolerance
567
00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:35,763
for bullying
here at the Center.
568
00:20:35,848 --> 00:20:36,848
That's great, Vicki.
569
00:20:36,899 --> 00:20:38,683
So what exactly
are you doing about this?
570
00:20:38,817 --> 00:20:40,101
Okay.
571
00:20:40,236 --> 00:20:42,103
We've already done
our own investigation.
572
00:20:42,188 --> 00:20:44,606
We know who's
behind the stunt.
573
00:20:44,773 --> 00:20:46,024
Unfortunately,
this cyber activity took place
574
00:20:46,158 --> 00:20:47,942
off school campus,
575
00:20:48,077 --> 00:20:49,317
so we have
limited jurisdiction.
576
00:20:49,361 --> 00:20:50,612
- Jurisdiction?
- What does that mean?
577
00:20:50,779 --> 00:20:52,864
The list hasn't been
distributed on campus.
578
00:20:52,998 --> 00:20:54,415
No school computers
were used.
579
00:20:54,500 --> 00:20:57,702
We've issued a stern warning,
and we've contacted the parents,
580
00:20:57,786 --> 00:20:58,786
but otherwise,
581
00:20:58,837 --> 00:20:59,954
our hands are tied.
582
00:21:00,122 --> 00:21:02,006
Your hands are tied.
How much tuition do we pay here?
583
00:21:02,124 --> 00:21:03,341
- It's a lot of money, isn't it?
- Yeah.
584
00:21:03,459 --> 00:21:06,211
In situations like this,
we find it most effective
585
00:21:06,295 --> 00:21:08,213
if the families
sit down together,
586
00:21:08,297 --> 00:21:10,548
talk it through,
make it a teachable moment.
587
00:21:10,633 --> 00:21:13,134
The teachable moment is when
the school expels the person
588
00:21:13,269 --> 00:21:14,602
responsible
for the slut list.
589
00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:16,187
O-Okay, so we will take it
from here.
590
00:21:16,305 --> 00:21:17,639
You tell us
who's responsible.
591
00:21:17,723 --> 00:21:19,607
We will contact
the parents ourselves.
592
00:21:19,692 --> 00:21:20,892
Fine.
593
00:21:20,976 --> 00:21:24,312
The so-called slut list
was created by Dorie Klein,
594
00:21:25,596 --> 00:21:27,765
Nate and Karen Klein's daughter.
595
00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:28,916
Perhaps you know them.
596
00:21:31,070 --> 00:21:32,787
I believe we do.
597
00:21:47,458 --> 00:21:49,326
- Hey.
- Hey.
598
00:21:51,913 --> 00:21:53,598
All right, Lilly,
let's go.
599
00:21:54,666 --> 00:21:56,500
Do we really
have to do this?
600
00:21:56,584 --> 00:21:58,218
Yes, Lilly,
we really have to.
601
00:21:58,336 --> 00:21:59,496
Sticking your head
in the sand
602
00:21:59,504 --> 00:22:00,754
isn't gonna make
the problem go away.
603
00:22:00,838 --> 00:22:02,440
Come on, sweetie.
604
00:22:03,975 --> 00:22:06,343
Just so I'm clear about what
I'm getting myself into here,
605
00:22:06,427 --> 00:22:09,646
does Mrs. Nate know
about the cyber relationship?
606
00:22:09,764 --> 00:22:11,765
No. No.
607
00:22:11,899 --> 00:22:13,433
I don't think so.
[doorbell rings]
608
00:22:13,568 --> 00:22:15,402
You don't thi--
609
00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:16,903
Jake, Abby.
610
00:22:17,021 --> 00:22:18,355
- Hey.
- Hey.
611
00:22:20,491 --> 00:22:23,327
[sighs]
612
00:22:26,698 --> 00:22:30,667
[door opens]
613
00:22:30,785 --> 00:22:32,119
It was lovely getting
to know you, Zooey.
614
00:22:32,203 --> 00:22:33,420
Likewise,
Ms. Barrows.
615
00:22:33,538 --> 00:22:36,173
Ms. Frumpkis, thank you so much
for the pastries.
616
00:22:36,290 --> 00:22:38,041
- They were delicious.
- Hern?ndez-Frumpkis.
617
00:22:38,209 --> 00:22:39,543
Yes, you're so very welcome.
618
00:22:39,677 --> 00:22:41,511
So when can Zooey
start officially?
619
00:22:41,596 --> 00:22:43,597
Well, I'm afraid
I have some disappointing news.
620
00:22:43,715 --> 00:22:45,395
After speaking with the board
this morning,
621
00:22:45,516 --> 00:22:49,019
it seems we can't accommodate
a new student mid-semester.
622
00:22:49,137 --> 00:22:51,388
We'd be more than happy
to view her application
623
00:22:51,522 --> 00:22:52,889
again for next fall.
624
00:22:53,057 --> 00:22:54,141
The board?
625
00:22:54,225 --> 00:22:55,475
Would that be the same moms
626
00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:58,195
who run the fund-raising
committee, by any chance?
627
00:22:58,279 --> 00:23:00,564
Thank you, Ms. Barrows.
We'll be sure to do that.
628
00:23:00,732 --> 00:23:03,400
It was such a pleasure
meeting you.
629
00:23:08,906 --> 00:23:11,908
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, baby.
630
00:23:11,993 --> 00:23:14,578
It's okay, Mom. I can always
homeschool until September.
631
00:23:14,662 --> 00:23:16,213
Yeah, of course.
632
00:23:16,330 --> 00:23:19,416
Of course.
It'll be easy.
633
00:23:22,387 --> 00:23:25,922
[cell phone ringing]
[sighs]
634
00:23:31,262 --> 00:23:32,929
What's going on, Delia?
635
00:23:35,233 --> 00:23:37,350
What kind of info?
636
00:23:37,435 --> 00:23:38,852
I'm glad we're having
this conversation in person.
637
00:23:38,936 --> 00:23:41,521
I mean, it just--you know, it
makes it so much more civilized.
638
00:23:41,606 --> 00:23:44,357
Exactly, because things
can just get lost in translation
639
00:23:44,492 --> 00:23:45,692
when people
aren't in the same room.
640
00:23:45,777 --> 00:23:46,993
Exactly.
641
00:23:47,111 --> 00:23:49,112
(Karen) Much better than
the phone or texting,
642
00:23:49,247 --> 00:23:50,247
right, Abby?
643
00:23:54,285 --> 00:23:55,952
Yeah.
644
00:23:57,588 --> 00:24:01,174
Okay, so, this is--
This is going well so far.
645
00:24:01,292 --> 00:24:04,928
We have some cookies
and some tea and kids,
646
00:24:05,012 --> 00:24:08,381
and here we are,
talking all civilized,
647
00:24:08,466 --> 00:24:10,217
like a couple of members
of the Directors' Guild
648
00:24:10,301 --> 00:24:11,468
trying to hash through
a tough scene.
649
00:24:11,602 --> 00:24:13,019
- Right, Jake?
- Yeah.
650
00:24:13,137 --> 00:24:15,639
[laughs]
And one Oscar between them.
651
00:24:15,807 --> 00:24:17,274
Right.
652
00:24:17,391 --> 00:24:18,725
Anyway,
we talked to Dorie,
653
00:24:18,810 --> 00:24:21,645
and it seems it was just
bad judgment on her part.
654
00:24:21,813 --> 00:24:22,946
I'm sorry.
655
00:24:23,030 --> 00:24:24,698
It wasn't a big deal.
I took it down.
656
00:24:24,816 --> 00:24:26,199
That's great.
Thank you, Dorie.
657
00:24:26,317 --> 00:24:28,068
I still think that this is
a teachable moment, though.
658
00:24:28,202 --> 00:24:30,237
I think we should talk
about why it's so offensive
659
00:24:30,321 --> 00:24:31,404
to call girls sluts.
660
00:24:31,539 --> 00:24:32,989
- Oh, my God, Mom, seriously.
- Lilly, it is--
661
00:24:33,124 --> 00:24:34,244
When you call a girl a slut,
662
00:24:34,292 --> 00:24:35,659
you make her feel bad
about her sexuality,
663
00:24:35,743 --> 00:24:37,744
and there is nothing wrong
with female sexuality.
664
00:24:37,879 --> 00:24:38,912
This is not happening.
665
00:24:38,996 --> 00:24:40,630
I couldn't agree more, Abby.
666
00:24:40,748 --> 00:24:43,166
Thank you so much.
667
00:24:43,301 --> 00:24:46,670
Although the word could be
appropriate to describe,
668
00:24:46,838 --> 00:24:50,974
say, a woman who had broken up
a marriage or something.
669
00:24:54,762 --> 00:24:57,731
I don't know. Can a third party
really break up a marriage
670
00:24:57,849 --> 00:24:59,983
that's not already broken?
671
00:25:00,067 --> 00:25:01,318
Thank you.
That's right.
672
00:25:01,402 --> 00:25:02,986
And that's just another form
of shaming, isn't it?
673
00:25:03,104 --> 00:25:04,187
Shaming, exactly.
674
00:25:04,322 --> 00:25:05,322
[chuckles]
675
00:25:05,406 --> 00:25:07,824
Even if the woman had sex
with a married man?
676
00:25:17,201 --> 00:25:18,285
Well,
Dorie's apologized--
677
00:25:18,369 --> 00:25:19,870
Hold on.
Hold on one second.
678
00:25:20,004 --> 00:25:22,255
Can I ask you
a quick writing question?
679
00:25:22,373 --> 00:25:23,590
Sure.
680
00:25:23,708 --> 00:25:25,041
Okay, so let's say
you got a writing partner,
681
00:25:25,126 --> 00:25:26,176
and you guys are texting
682
00:25:26,294 --> 00:25:29,629
for, like, a year,
working on a project.
683
00:25:29,764 --> 00:25:31,548
I was under the impression
that that script
684
00:25:31,682 --> 00:25:34,885
never actually got made.
685
00:25:35,019 --> 00:25:36,019
Am I wrong?
686
00:25:36,020 --> 00:25:38,889
- Oh, it got made.
- Really?
687
00:25:39,056 --> 00:25:42,359
I-I never saw it, but I heard
it was a huge flop.
688
00:25:42,443 --> 00:25:45,028
Huh.
689
00:25:45,146 --> 00:25:47,230
It was a great script.
It was a terrible movie.
690
00:25:47,365 --> 00:25:50,784
(Jake) Well, see, I didn't know a
movie had actually gotten made.
691
00:25:50,902 --> 00:25:52,369
(Karen)
Me neither, Jake.
692
00:25:52,486 --> 00:25:54,571
One of the people
wasn't supposed to be working
693
00:25:54,705 --> 00:25:57,324
outside the studio system.
694
00:25:57,408 --> 00:26:00,293
Well, I was told that person
was free to do independent work.
695
00:26:00,411 --> 00:26:01,745
What movie?
696
00:26:01,829 --> 00:26:06,132
You know, sometimes an actor
will leave a project
697
00:26:06,250 --> 00:26:10,053
only to realize that he has made
a terrible mistake.
698
00:26:10,137 --> 00:26:12,589
Sean Connery,
for example, 007--
699
00:26:12,673 --> 00:26:15,926
I mean, he took a little hiatus,
worked on a few other projects,
700
00:26:16,060 --> 00:26:18,428
only to come back
to the role
701
00:26:18,512 --> 00:26:22,933
that he really loved,
James Bond.
702
00:26:24,986 --> 00:26:27,187
Can Lilly and I go now?
703
00:26:33,027 --> 00:26:34,578
Do you think maybe it
would have been a good idea
704
00:26:34,695 --> 00:26:36,279
to tell me
you had slept with the guy?
705
00:26:36,447 --> 00:26:38,114
- Really?
- We were already separated.
706
00:26:38,199 --> 00:26:40,417
- That's not the point.
- It wasn't relevant.
707
00:26:40,501 --> 00:26:41,585
Okay, so just so I know,
there's Nate.
708
00:26:41,669 --> 00:26:42,786
There's the handsome guy
from the garage.
709
00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:45,288
How many guys
from the article did you bang?
710
00:26:46,591 --> 00:26:48,508
Maybe I slept
with all of them.
711
00:26:48,626 --> 00:26:50,226
It's none of your
goddamn business, Jake.
712
00:26:50,261 --> 00:26:51,661
You are unbelievable.
You know that?
713
00:26:51,796 --> 00:26:53,713
[cell phone vibrating]
Really?
714
00:26:53,798 --> 00:26:55,432
Hey, Jo.
715
00:26:55,516 --> 00:26:58,018
For all you bad boys
716
00:26:58,135 --> 00:27:00,303
You bad, bad boys
717
00:27:00,388 --> 00:27:02,355
So what did you do today?
718
00:27:02,473 --> 00:27:04,691
School stuff,
mostly--PTA,
719
00:27:04,809 --> 00:27:07,978
more gridlock in Congress
on banning
720
00:27:08,062 --> 00:27:09,312
apple juice.
721
00:27:09,447 --> 00:27:13,216
Huh. So what were you doing
at the Getty?
722
00:27:15,152 --> 00:27:17,370
I was working up a bid
on a project.
723
00:27:17,488 --> 00:27:20,874
They're redoing a piece
of that south terrace.
724
00:27:20,992 --> 00:27:22,575
Okay, wow.
That's a big deal.
725
00:27:22,710 --> 00:27:24,995
- Mm-hmm.
- Why didn't you tell me?
726
00:27:25,162 --> 00:27:26,830
Who knows how many bids
they're getting?
727
00:27:26,964 --> 00:27:28,498
Probably a long shot,
and you were--
728
00:27:28,633 --> 00:27:30,000
You were checking up on me.
729
00:27:30,084 --> 00:27:32,886
No, no, no. I was concerned
when you didn't answer.
730
00:27:33,004 --> 00:27:34,004
- "Concerned"?
- Yes.
731
00:27:34,138 --> 00:27:36,556
When two calls
went to voice mail?
732
00:27:36,674 --> 00:27:37,891
What is going on with you?
733
00:27:44,181 --> 00:27:45,815
Okay, fine.
734
00:27:45,933 --> 00:27:50,270
Look, the guy who brought me in
at the Getty is Duncan Hawley.
735
00:27:50,354 --> 00:27:53,273
Duncan Hawley, the pretty one
that we met at Outfest?
736
00:27:53,407 --> 00:27:55,025
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, how'd that happen?
737
00:27:55,159 --> 00:27:57,777
Ran into him
while you were away, and--
738
00:27:57,912 --> 00:27:58,992
- You broke the rules.
- No.
739
00:27:59,030 --> 00:28:02,032
Rule one, no screwing anybody
we both know.
740
00:28:02,116 --> 00:28:03,583
Shh!
741
00:28:03,701 --> 00:28:06,086
I didn't screw him.
I just kissed him.
742
00:28:06,203 --> 00:28:07,923
Then I stopped it.
It'll never happen again.
743
00:28:08,039 --> 00:28:10,507
He understands, and he's
offering me an opportunity.
744
00:28:10,591 --> 00:28:12,509
Yes, because he's trying
to screw you.
745
00:28:12,626 --> 00:28:13,710
So it's inconceivable
746
00:28:13,844 --> 00:28:15,512
that he would be interested
in me for my talent?
747
00:28:15,629 --> 00:28:16,789
- I didn't say that.
- Really?
748
00:28:16,881 --> 00:28:20,383
'Cause it sure as shit
sounded like that.
749
00:28:29,360 --> 00:28:30,810
Okay, what--I don't understand
what's happening.
750
00:28:30,945 --> 00:28:32,979
Is this still
about the horse farm?
751
00:28:33,114 --> 00:28:35,699
The horse farm is just the tip
of the iceberg made of shit.
752
00:28:35,783 --> 00:28:36,783
And lies.
753
00:28:36,817 --> 00:28:38,201
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
754
00:28:38,319 --> 00:28:41,488
A "lieberg"
that is a marriage certificate
755
00:28:41,622 --> 00:28:45,158
from Kentucky, 2010.
756
00:28:45,242 --> 00:28:50,130
Oh, my God. "Robert Frumpkis
and Charlene Rae Vinson"?
757
00:28:50,247 --> 00:28:51,464
Jesus.
758
00:28:51,582 --> 00:28:54,801
My husband is a polygamist
Colonel Sanders
759
00:28:54,919 --> 00:28:59,172
living in Kentucky with
his equestrian wife, Charlene.
760
00:28:59,256 --> 00:29:01,496
How does this happen? How do
you keep a secret like this?
761
00:29:01,559 --> 00:29:03,009
Business trips in London.
762
00:29:03,094 --> 00:29:04,928
All those times
I took him to the airport,
763
00:29:05,062 --> 00:29:06,679
I thought he was going
to Heathrow.
764
00:29:06,814 --> 00:29:09,682
He was going to Louisville.
765
00:29:09,767 --> 00:29:12,519
Louisville, huh?
766
00:29:12,603 --> 00:29:14,237
[voice breaking] I don't know
what I'm gonna tell Zooey.
767
00:29:14,321 --> 00:29:16,606
No, no. You're not gonna
tell Zooey right now, okay?
768
00:29:16,774 --> 00:29:18,074
We're gonna focus on you.
769
00:29:18,192 --> 00:29:19,993
We're gonna get you
through this, Jo.
770
00:29:20,111 --> 00:29:23,947
[doorbell rings]
Uh, it's open, come in.
771
00:29:24,081 --> 00:29:25,281
- Hey, Pheebs.
- Hey.
772
00:29:25,449 --> 00:29:26,616
(Jo)
Come on in.
773
00:29:26,751 --> 00:29:28,284
I'm humiliated.
774
00:29:28,452 --> 00:29:30,453
Join the goddamn club.
775
00:29:30,621 --> 00:29:32,956
What--what's going on
with you?
776
00:29:33,090 --> 00:29:36,042
Um, my husband
has a second family.
777
00:29:36,127 --> 00:29:37,961
- What?
- Mm-hmm, yeah.
778
00:29:38,045 --> 00:29:39,712
- Crazy.
- He lives in Kentucky.
779
00:29:39,847 --> 00:29:41,181
Oh, my God.
780
00:29:41,298 --> 00:29:44,134
- Hillbilly horse people.
- You win, mama.
781
00:29:44,218 --> 00:29:45,635
- Yeah.
- You know what?
782
00:29:45,770 --> 00:29:48,938
My mom always said
when life gives you lemons,
783
00:29:49,056 --> 00:29:50,807
drink whiskey.
784
00:29:50,941 --> 00:29:52,308
- Mmm.
- That is good advice.
785
00:29:52,443 --> 00:29:55,645
[rumbling]
786
00:29:55,780 --> 00:29:57,480
- It's an earthquake.
- Yeah.
787
00:29:57,648 --> 00:30:01,151
(Abby) Charlie, Lilly,
get under something!
788
00:30:01,318 --> 00:30:04,404
- Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!
- Oh, my God.
789
00:30:04,488 --> 00:30:06,906
(Jo) Zooey, baby,
it's gonna be okay!
790
00:30:07,041 --> 00:30:09,793
- Oh, Jesus!
- Oh, my God!
791
00:30:09,877 --> 00:30:10,994
- Kids?
- Zooey?
792
00:30:11,128 --> 00:30:14,497
Oh, my God.
[car alarm blaring]
793
00:30:14,632 --> 00:30:16,299
Shit.
794
00:30:18,507 --> 00:30:20,324
- Kids?
- Mama, mama, mama.
795
00:30:20,375 --> 00:30:22,059
- Charlie.
- That was crazy.
796
00:30:22,177 --> 00:30:23,844
Yes, it was crazy.
797
00:30:23,979 --> 00:30:25,679
- Lilly, how are you?
- Fine.
798
00:30:25,814 --> 00:30:26,730
That was a big one, I know.
799
00:30:26,848 --> 00:30:28,516
Watch the glass.
There's a lot of glass.
800
00:30:28,683 --> 00:30:29,900
Phoebe, where are your kids?
801
00:30:30,018 --> 00:30:31,852
Oh, they're in New York,
thank God, with Ralf.
802
00:30:31,937 --> 00:30:33,020
(Delia)
Oh, my God, Abby,
803
00:30:33,155 --> 00:30:34,488
the power's out
in the whole neighborhood.
804
00:30:34,606 --> 00:30:36,524
(Jo) I cannot believe you
guys live in this hell mouth.
805
00:30:36,691 --> 00:30:38,192
We are seconds away
from something biblical.
806
00:30:38,326 --> 00:30:41,078
Soon it's gonna be--it's gonna
be locusts and cattle disease.
807
00:30:41,196 --> 00:30:43,531
- Jo.
- Mama, I'm scared.
808
00:30:43,615 --> 00:30:44,615
Are you scared?
809
00:30:44,699 --> 00:30:46,033
I'm okay.
We're okay.
810
00:30:46,168 --> 00:30:48,008
We're fine. We're all together.
It's just dark.
811
00:30:48,036 --> 00:30:49,336
I don't like the dark.
812
00:30:49,454 --> 00:30:51,038
I know, sweetheart.
I know.
813
00:30:51,123 --> 00:30:52,206
But you know
what we're gonna do?
814
00:30:52,290 --> 00:30:54,008
We're gonna have
an earthquake party.
815
00:30:54,126 --> 00:30:56,210
- [gasps] Ooh.
- Yeah.
816
00:30:56,378 --> 00:30:57,818
(Charlie)
What's an earthquake party?
817
00:30:57,879 --> 00:31:00,548
We're gonna get your tent,
and we are gonna build a fort
818
00:31:00,682 --> 00:31:02,633
all over the middle
of this living room,
819
00:31:02,767 --> 00:31:05,686
and you can use my phone light.
How about that?
820
00:31:05,804 --> 00:31:09,106
Lilly, will you and Zooey
go get the sleeping bags?
821
00:31:09,224 --> 00:31:10,858
Help them out with that.
I'm gonna sweep.
822
00:31:10,976 --> 00:31:12,059
- Phoebe?
- Yeah?
823
00:31:12,227 --> 00:31:14,895
- The Dustbuster, somewhere
in the closet. - Okay.
824
00:31:15,063 --> 00:31:16,647
My foot's bleeding like I'm
in a Monty Python sketch.
825
00:31:16,731 --> 00:31:18,032
(Phoebe) Oh, we got a
flesh wound, good one.
826
00:31:18,150 --> 00:31:19,150
- Oh.
- Over here.
827
00:31:19,201 --> 00:31:20,534
(Abby) Okay, Phoebe,
you help me with Jo.
828
00:31:20,619 --> 00:31:22,369
Delia, underneath
the kitchen sink
829
00:31:22,454 --> 00:31:24,405
is a bunch of emergency lanterns
and stuff like that,
830
00:31:24,489 --> 00:31:26,740
and can you keep an eye
on Charlie while I fix Jo?
831
00:31:26,908 --> 00:31:28,709
- Have fun.
- Worst day of my frickin' life.
832
00:31:28,793 --> 00:31:31,795
- Okay, I've got all kinds of--
- Delia doesn't do kids.
833
00:31:31,913 --> 00:31:33,631
(Phoebe) Let me light your pathway.
There you go.
834
00:31:33,748 --> 00:31:35,833
(Abby) I can give you
emergency stitches.
835
00:31:35,917 --> 00:31:37,334
I won't really do that.
836
00:31:38,587 --> 00:31:39,587
Do you like camping?
837
00:31:43,308 --> 00:31:44,675
(Abby) I'm just cleaning,
so don't panic.
838
00:31:44,759 --> 00:31:45,809
This isn't the hard part.
839
00:31:45,927 --> 00:31:47,647
- Grab my hand.
- Make sure the light stays.
840
00:31:47,679 --> 00:31:48,896
Yeah.
841
00:31:48,980 --> 00:31:50,514
- I blew it with Marco.
- What?
842
00:31:50,649 --> 00:31:51,932
I know.
843
00:31:52,017 --> 00:31:54,935
We had this amazing meeting,
and what do I do after? I--
844
00:31:55,070 --> 00:31:56,520
You kissed him?
845
00:31:56,655 --> 00:31:58,155
Oh, my God,
am I that predictable?
846
00:31:58,273 --> 00:32:00,574
- You are.
- Ugh.
847
00:32:00,692 --> 00:32:02,109
Man, Lyla would give me
so much shit for that.
848
00:32:02,194 --> 00:32:03,494
Lyla would smack you
in the head.
849
00:32:03,612 --> 00:32:05,946
She would. She always said
I led with my "vagine."
850
00:32:06,031 --> 00:32:07,998
Ugh.
Can we just say vagina?
851
00:32:08,116 --> 00:32:10,367
No, because the vagina
goes to the doctor
852
00:32:10,452 --> 00:32:11,869
and delivers babies.
853
00:32:12,003 --> 00:32:15,422
The "vagine" is, like,
this magical...
854
00:32:15,540 --> 00:32:17,591
power source,
855
00:32:17,676 --> 00:32:19,760
or it's your sensuality.
856
00:32:19,844 --> 00:32:21,879
Both have to be balanced
to stay in harmony.
857
00:32:22,013 --> 00:32:23,547
Huh.
I've never really heard
858
00:32:23,682 --> 00:32:25,716
the Dalai Lama
express that theory before.
859
00:32:25,850 --> 00:32:27,134
[laughter]
860
00:32:27,519 --> 00:32:29,102
I need to stop
leading with sex.
861
00:32:29,220 --> 00:32:30,304
I need to start leading
with me.
862
00:32:30,438 --> 00:32:32,890
I just--the me part
is very elusive.
863
00:32:32,974 --> 00:32:35,476
Honey, you know what?
You are kicking ass.
864
00:32:35,610 --> 00:32:36,860
- You really are.
- Thank you.
865
00:32:36,945 --> 00:32:39,062
You know, and old habits die--
Okay, wait a minute.
866
00:32:39,147 --> 00:32:40,948
I think this is the last one.
Okay, yeah.
867
00:32:41,065 --> 00:32:42,783
Ready? One, two, three.
Out.
868
00:32:42,901 --> 00:32:46,787
Thank God. I've had enough
of this earnest bullshit.
869
00:32:46,905 --> 00:32:49,790
My husband has
a second family,
870
00:32:49,908 --> 00:32:53,076
and I need to get trashed.
871
00:32:53,211 --> 00:32:54,711
Don't marry the bastard
in the first place.
872
00:32:54,796 --> 00:32:56,163
That's your next
HuffPo article.
873
00:32:56,247 --> 00:32:57,748
(Abby)
Yeah, that sounds good.
874
00:32:57,832 --> 00:32:59,967
There's not gonna
be any more HuffPo articles,
875
00:33:00,084 --> 00:33:03,086
not if it's gonna destroy
my daughter's life.
876
00:33:05,256 --> 00:33:08,809
Emases Nepo!
877
00:33:08,927 --> 00:33:10,260
[chuckles]
What was that?
878
00:33:10,395 --> 00:33:12,763
It means "open sesame"
backwards.
879
00:33:12,897 --> 00:33:15,065
You have to say it
to get in.
880
00:33:15,183 --> 00:33:18,018
Emases Nepo!
881
00:33:18,102 --> 00:33:21,655
[grunts]
Ow.
882
00:33:21,773 --> 00:33:23,407
Oh, God,
what is that smell?
883
00:33:23,525 --> 00:33:25,192
Chad's farts.
884
00:33:25,276 --> 00:33:26,276
Who's Chad?
885
00:33:26,411 --> 00:33:28,745
- My imaginary friend.
- Oh.
886
00:33:28,830 --> 00:33:31,248
He's afraid of the dark.
887
00:33:31,332 --> 00:33:33,617
How do you stop being afraid
of something?
888
00:33:35,253 --> 00:33:37,955
I don't know.
I guess you, um...
889
00:33:38,039 --> 00:33:40,757
make yourself
do that thing
890
00:33:40,842 --> 00:33:42,793
that you're afraid of,
and then you realize
891
00:33:42,927 --> 00:33:46,630
you're not afraid
anymore.
892
00:33:48,099 --> 00:33:49,800
You just thought you were.
893
00:33:49,968 --> 00:33:51,885
What are you afraid of?
894
00:33:53,888 --> 00:33:55,806
Commitment.
895
00:33:57,058 --> 00:33:59,309
That's stupid.
896
00:34:02,730 --> 00:34:05,115
(Charlie) How come girls
don't have penises?
897
00:34:09,320 --> 00:34:10,320
- Abby?
- Hey. Hey.
898
00:34:10,321 --> 00:34:11,538
- Hey.
- Everything's fine.
899
00:34:11,656 --> 00:34:13,073
- Is everything okay?
- Yes, everything's fine.
900
00:34:13,157 --> 00:34:14,541
They're--
They're in the tent.
901
00:34:14,659 --> 00:34:16,660
Oh, my God, I must have broken
100 traffic laws getting here.
902
00:34:16,828 --> 00:34:18,161
I know how Charlie
gets afraid of the dark.
903
00:34:18,296 --> 00:34:19,296
He's okay.
904
00:34:19,330 --> 00:34:20,464
I brought a bunch
of flashlights.
905
00:34:20,548 --> 00:34:21,665
He's fine. He's good.
Everybody's good.
906
00:34:21,799 --> 00:34:22,716
We have our
phone flashlights, Dad.
907
00:34:22,834 --> 00:34:24,217
All right, good job, pal.
908
00:34:24,335 --> 00:34:25,895
I have the emergency kits.
I have water.
909
00:34:25,920 --> 00:34:27,170
Okay, did you--did you
remember to turn off the gas?
910
00:34:27,338 --> 00:34:28,672
'Cause you've got
to get the gas off.
911
00:34:28,756 --> 00:34:29,836
Everything's under control.
912
00:34:29,924 --> 00:34:31,758
- You put it to the left?
- Yes.
913
00:34:31,843 --> 00:34:33,677
- Okay. I see that. Good. Good.
- It's scary.
914
00:34:33,761 --> 00:34:35,562
It's scary, I know.
915
00:34:35,680 --> 00:34:37,514
- A big earthquake.
- Yeah.
916
00:34:37,649 --> 00:34:39,016
Okay.
917
00:34:39,183 --> 00:34:40,350
All: Yay!
918
00:34:40,518 --> 00:34:42,269
- Mazel tov.
- Daddy comes,
919
00:34:42,353 --> 00:34:45,105
and then
the lights come on.
920
00:34:45,189 --> 00:34:47,407
All right, Charlie,
go get your PJs on.
921
00:34:47,525 --> 00:34:50,243
No, Dad!
Earthquakes are fun!
922
00:34:50,361 --> 00:34:51,828
Come in the tent with me.
923
00:34:51,913 --> 00:34:53,330
(Abby)
Your dad's not staying.
924
00:35:03,438 --> 00:35:04,688
[yawns]
925
00:35:10,061 --> 00:35:12,396
Hmm.
926
00:35:15,020 --> 00:35:16,820
_
927
00:35:18,069 --> 00:35:19,536
[knock at door]
928
00:35:20,421 --> 00:35:21,371
(Abby)
Hi.
929
00:35:21,456 --> 00:35:22,739
What's up?
930
00:35:22,907 --> 00:35:26,910
Um, Mom, there's something
I haven't told you.
931
00:35:32,083 --> 00:35:33,750
But you promise
not to be mad?
932
00:35:33,885 --> 00:35:36,920
Um, I can't promise that,
but I will try.
933
00:35:38,973 --> 00:35:41,925
Um, what happened at school
wasn't your fault...
934
00:35:42,060 --> 00:35:43,510
- Mm.
- 'Cause...
935
00:35:44,094 --> 00:35:46,163
I put myself
on the slut list.
936
00:35:47,147 --> 00:35:48,499
What?
937
00:35:49,934 --> 00:35:51,201
Why would you do that?
938
00:35:51,235 --> 00:35:52,936
You're getting mad.
939
00:35:55,239 --> 00:35:56,690
Why would you do that?
940
00:35:56,824 --> 00:36:00,444
'Cause boys like girls
who they think do stuff.
941
00:36:00,578 --> 00:36:02,362
Oh, my God,
that is so backwards.
942
00:36:02,447 --> 00:36:07,117
Lilly, that whole list
is so backwards.
943
00:36:07,851 --> 00:36:11,421
Boys may think they like girls
who do stuff,
944
00:36:11,506 --> 00:36:15,042
but nine times out of ten, they
prefer girls who don't do stuff,
945
00:36:15,126 --> 00:36:17,210
and they don't know that
until they do stuff
946
00:36:17,295 --> 00:36:18,628
with girls
who don't do stuff.
947
00:36:18,763 --> 00:36:20,380
I mean, there are definitely
guys who like girls
948
00:36:20,465 --> 00:36:22,716
who do do stuff.
949
00:36:22,800 --> 00:36:24,968
So am I supposed to do stuff
or not do stuff?
950
00:36:25,053 --> 00:36:27,804
No, no, no, look, it's totally
fine if you do do stuff,
951
00:36:27,939 --> 00:36:30,057
but you are way too young
to do stuff right now.
952
00:36:30,141 --> 00:36:31,641
Sex is complicated.
953
00:36:31,726 --> 00:36:34,728
It can be so great when it's
with the right person,
954
00:36:34,812 --> 00:36:37,292
and it can be absolute shit
when it's with the wrong person,
955
00:36:37,365 --> 00:36:40,283
and I'm sorry I used that word,
but it really is that bad.
956
00:36:42,203 --> 00:36:45,872
Look, any guy
who likes you
957
00:36:45,957 --> 00:36:49,993
because you are on that list
is the wrong guy,
958
00:36:50,077 --> 00:36:51,378
exclamation point,
959
00:36:51,462 --> 00:36:54,247
exclamation point,
exclamation point.
960
00:36:56,334 --> 00:36:57,751
I read your article.
961
00:36:57,885 --> 00:36:59,219
You did?
962
00:36:59,337 --> 00:37:01,638
Did you--did you have sex
with all those guys
963
00:37:01,756 --> 00:37:02,889
who you wrote about?
964
00:37:02,974 --> 00:37:04,591
No, of course not.
965
00:37:04,759 --> 00:37:07,427
Okay.
All the moms were talking.
966
00:37:07,561 --> 00:37:11,064
I'll bet they were.
I'm not surprised.
967
00:37:12,650 --> 00:37:15,185
It doesn't matter.
968
00:37:15,269 --> 00:37:19,105
People aren't always gonna be
happy with my choices or yours,
969
00:37:19,240 --> 00:37:21,191
and that is not
what matters.
970
00:37:21,215 --> 00:37:23,265
What matters is
that you make choices
971
00:37:23,277 --> 00:37:26,613
that are right for you and not
out of fear, you know.
972
00:37:26,697 --> 00:37:30,200
That's what matters.
973
00:37:30,284 --> 00:37:31,584
I think you should write
the column, then.
974
00:37:31,669 --> 00:37:32,669
You do?
975
00:37:32,753 --> 00:37:34,454
- Mm-hmm.
- Why?
976
00:37:34,622 --> 00:37:36,756
Because you shouldn't
be slut shamed.
977
00:37:41,295 --> 00:37:43,596
[laughs]
That's the most incredible thing
978
00:37:43,681 --> 00:37:45,265
any daughter
could say to a mother--
979
00:37:45,349 --> 00:37:47,384
"You shouldn't be
slut shamed."
980
00:37:47,468 --> 00:37:49,719
I love you.
[chuckles]
981
00:37:49,804 --> 00:37:50,804
Don't worry.
982
00:37:50,938 --> 00:37:52,272
Go to bed.
983
00:37:52,356 --> 00:37:54,274
- Sweet dreams.
- Night.
984
00:37:54,358 --> 00:37:56,810
Good night.
985
00:38:03,200 --> 00:38:05,985
Okay, Will,
show me what you got.
986
00:38:09,609 --> 00:38:11,209
[Indisctinct chatter]
987
00:38:12,910 --> 00:38:15,662
Marco?
988
00:38:15,796 --> 00:38:16,996
Hi.
989
00:38:17,164 --> 00:38:18,832
Phoebe.
990
00:38:18,916 --> 00:38:21,918
Um, first of all,
I was out of line,
991
00:38:22,002 --> 00:38:24,170
and I-I want to apologize.
992
00:38:24,305 --> 00:38:28,174
It's a tic, and I'm--
I'm working on it.
993
00:38:28,259 --> 00:38:29,976
So I hope
you can forgive me.
994
00:38:31,729 --> 00:38:33,847
- Okay.
- Okay.
995
00:38:33,931 --> 00:38:36,816
And second of all, I just
got off the phone with Ford.
996
00:38:36,901 --> 00:38:39,235
Coke is willing to eliminate the
signage for the pilot project.
997
00:38:39,353 --> 00:38:41,237
After that, it'll be
a case-by-case basis.
998
00:38:41,355 --> 00:38:42,689
I think it's
a pretty good deal,
999
00:38:42,823 --> 00:38:44,691
but you have to be comfortable
with it.
1000
00:38:44,825 --> 00:38:46,826
So, if you are, great.
1001
00:38:46,911 --> 00:38:49,662
If you're not, I get it.
1002
00:38:49,747 --> 00:38:51,698
Questions?
1003
00:38:51,832 --> 00:38:53,867
Um...
1004
00:38:54,034 --> 00:38:55,502
no.
1005
00:38:55,586 --> 00:38:58,088
Are we good?
1006
00:38:58,205 --> 00:38:59,456
We are.
1007
00:38:59,590 --> 00:39:02,258
Cool.
1008
00:39:09,884 --> 00:39:12,552
The Hern?ndez-Frumpkis
lacrosse field?
1009
00:39:12,636 --> 00:39:14,604
Are you serious?
How did that happen?
1010
00:39:14,722 --> 00:39:16,473
- Oh, Delia's a genius.
- I know she is.
1011
00:39:16,557 --> 00:39:19,559
Since Rob's marriage to Charlene
Rae Vinson ain't legal...
1012
00:39:19,693 --> 00:39:20,727
Yeah?
1013
00:39:20,811 --> 00:39:23,446
Guess who owns half
the frickin' horses, baby?
1014
00:39:23,564 --> 00:39:24,564
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, yeah.
1015
00:39:24,648 --> 00:39:26,088
Did you donate a horse
to the school?
1016
00:39:26,200 --> 00:39:28,284
I sold a horse,
and I donated the proceeds
1017
00:39:28,402 --> 00:39:30,320
to get my baby
into this snobby joint.
1018
00:39:30,404 --> 00:39:32,238
Sold two more,
pocketed the cash.
1019
00:39:32,323 --> 00:39:34,124
Who knew there was
a horse section on eBay?
1020
00:39:34,241 --> 00:39:35,401
- That's incredible.
- Mm-hmm.
1021
00:39:35,409 --> 00:39:36,576
F you, Rob Frumpkis.
1022
00:39:36,710 --> 00:39:39,412
Yes, all the way to the bank,
apparently.
1023
00:39:39,547 --> 00:39:41,080
Go get 'em, baby.
1024
00:39:41,165 --> 00:39:43,000
Have fun, girls.
1025
00:39:43,584 --> 00:39:45,338
The things we do
for our kids.
1026
00:39:48,472 --> 00:39:50,974
I had a thought, dear
1027
00:39:51,091 --> 00:39:53,593
However scary
[sighs]
1028
00:39:53,761 --> 00:39:55,728
About that night
1029
00:39:55,846 --> 00:39:58,431
The bugs and the dirt
1030
00:39:58,599 --> 00:40:00,567
(man)
Sorry about the traffic, Mr. Beech.
1031
00:40:00,651 --> 00:40:02,602
We should be at Miss Banai's
house in about ten minutes.
1032
00:40:02,736 --> 00:40:03,987
[cell phone beeping]
1033
00:40:04,104 --> 00:40:06,773
Before those hands
pulled me
1034
00:40:06,907 --> 00:40:09,943
From the Earth?
_
1035
00:40:11,027 --> 00:40:12,746
Never mind, Tom.
1036
00:40:13,030 --> 00:40:14,397
Just take me home.
1037
00:40:14,615 --> 00:40:19,285
I will not ask you,
neither should you
1038
00:40:19,453 --> 00:40:24,541
Honey, just put
your sweet lips on my lips
1039
00:40:24,675 --> 00:40:28,678
We should just kiss
like real people do
1040
00:40:28,796 --> 00:40:30,046
Hi.
1041
00:40:32,967 --> 00:40:34,434
She lives.
1042
00:40:36,637 --> 00:40:39,255
- Your book...
- Oh.
1043
00:40:42,142 --> 00:40:43,728
It's phenomenal.
1044
00:40:45,145 --> 00:40:46,646
I mean, I never knew that stuff
about, you know,
1045
00:40:46,780 --> 00:40:49,816
the details of the Sherpas'
lives and--and Nepal.
1046
00:40:49,984 --> 00:40:53,069
But more than that,
the writing--
1047
00:40:55,489 --> 00:40:57,725
You are so talented, Will.
1048
00:40:59,410 --> 00:41:00,795
I'm glad you liked it.
1049
00:41:02,663 --> 00:41:05,498
I've been an ass.
I've been a--
1050
00:41:05,633 --> 00:41:08,301
A douche-y, insecure,
immature ass,
1051
00:41:08,419 --> 00:41:11,004
and I guess I just...
1052
00:41:11,138 --> 00:41:12,722
Panicked?
1053
00:41:12,840 --> 00:41:15,808
I panicked.
1054
00:41:15,926 --> 00:41:18,011
Yeah.
1055
00:41:18,178 --> 00:41:19,512
I know you say
the whole age thing
1056
00:41:19,647 --> 00:41:22,348
doesn't mean anything
to you, but...
1057
00:41:26,320 --> 00:41:29,239
I--
Maybe it's my fear.
1058
00:41:29,356 --> 00:41:30,940
I see myself
through your eyes,
1059
00:41:31,025 --> 00:41:33,993
and I just think, "Why?"
1060
00:41:34,078 --> 00:41:35,078
Why?
1061
00:41:35,112 --> 00:41:36,998
You could have
anybody you want.
1062
00:41:39,283 --> 00:41:41,034
Abby, clearly...
1063
00:41:41,168 --> 00:41:44,037
you don't see yourself
through my eyes,
1064
00:41:44,171 --> 00:41:45,940
because if you did...
1065
00:41:47,675 --> 00:41:49,842
you wouldn't act
like such an idiot.
1066
00:41:55,883 --> 00:41:58,718
[chuckles]
1067
00:42:04,808 --> 00:42:09,812
I could not ask you
where you came from
1068
00:42:09,947 --> 00:42:14,734
I could not ask you,
neither could you
1069
00:42:14,902 --> 00:42:19,989
Honey, just put
your sweet lips on my lips
1070
00:42:20,124 --> 00:42:25,211
We could just kiss
like real people do
1071
00:42:25,235 --> 00:42:29,735
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
1072
00:42:29,785 --> 00:42:34,335
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
77623
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