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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,832 --> 00:00:04,700 [Gin Wigmore's "Man like that"] 2 00:00:04,702 --> 00:00:07,103 I don't really want to wake you 3 00:00:07,105 --> 00:00:09,105 I just came to get my things 4 00:00:09,107 --> 00:00:11,640 but the pretty little thing lying there beside you 5 00:00:11,642 --> 00:00:13,843 better take off my wedding ring 6 00:00:13,845 --> 00:00:15,311 Hey, everybody, we're back with America's 7 00:00:15,313 --> 00:00:17,446 favorite girlfriend, Abby McCarthy 8 00:00:17,448 --> 00:00:19,315 of the Girlfriends' Guide book series! 9 00:00:19,317 --> 00:00:21,150 I love 'em, love 'em. Every baby shower, 10 00:00:21,152 --> 00:00:24,553 the mom-to-be always gets one, two, or all of those books. 11 00:00:24,555 --> 00:00:25,821 Thank you. Yes. 12 00:00:25,823 --> 00:00:26,822 And you know what's really great? 13 00:00:26,824 --> 00:00:28,124 They're not bossy. 14 00:00:28,126 --> 00:00:30,459 - It's more about your own family. - Right. 15 00:00:30,461 --> 00:00:32,128 Real advice from a real mom. 16 00:00:32,130 --> 00:00:34,180 You know, this new book, 17 00:00:34,181 --> 00:00:36,231 when our kids were finally both in school, my husband 18 00:00:36,234 --> 00:00:38,834 and I looked at each other and went, "who are you?" 19 00:00:38,836 --> 00:00:41,070 It was a real adjustment for us, 20 00:00:41,071 --> 00:00:43,305 and I just hope that people who are going through the same thing 21 00:00:43,307 --> 00:00:45,241 get something out of this book. 22 00:00:45,242 --> 00:00:47,176 Wait a minute, how is Jake? Are things going well there? 23 00:00:47,178 --> 00:00:49,612 Well, I mean, you know, 24 00:00:49,614 --> 00:00:51,747 like I say in the book, happiness is a moving target, 25 00:00:51,749 --> 00:00:53,582 - but Jake and I are... - Buddy, how's it going? 26 00:00:53,584 --> 00:00:55,751 We're just connecting in a whole new way. 27 00:00:55,753 --> 00:00:57,453 You're stepping in 28 00:00:57,455 --> 00:00:59,555 he's got more where that came from 29 00:00:59,557 --> 00:01:02,158 you're not so special in the end 30 00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:04,226 I'm messing up the place, kicking down the door 31 00:01:04,228 --> 00:01:06,695 never want to see his face no more 32 00:01:06,697 --> 00:01:09,231 ooh ooh girl, you better wake up 33 00:01:09,233 --> 00:01:11,433 ooh ooh girl, you better run 34 00:01:11,435 --> 00:01:14,370 he's gone first thing in the morning 35 00:01:14,372 --> 00:01:16,438 [Bed creaks] 36 00:01:19,911 --> 00:01:21,243 [Sighs] 37 00:01:21,245 --> 00:01:23,512 You smell like sex. 38 00:01:23,514 --> 00:01:26,515 Screw you. 39 00:01:26,517 --> 00:01:28,234 Girl, you got to wonder 40 00:01:28,235 --> 00:01:29,952 girl, you got to wonder about a man like that 41 00:01:29,954 --> 00:01:32,421 girl, you got to wonder girl, you got to wonder 42 00:01:32,423 --> 00:01:34,890 girl, you got to wonder about a man like that 43 00:01:34,892 --> 00:01:36,959 girl, you got to wonder girl, you got to wonder 44 00:01:36,961 --> 00:01:39,562 girl, you got to wonder about a man like that 45 00:01:39,564 --> 00:01:41,797 girl, you got to wonder about a man like that 46 00:01:41,799 --> 00:01:42,765 - [Door closes] - Mommy! 47 00:01:42,767 --> 00:01:45,267 [Gasps] 48 00:01:45,269 --> 00:01:48,270 Good morning, Bun-bun. Oh. 49 00:01:48,272 --> 00:01:49,972 Give me an eskimo. 50 00:01:49,974 --> 00:01:51,574 Mm, I love that. 51 00:01:51,576 --> 00:01:54,677 Daddy, I'm a special person at school this week. 52 00:01:54,679 --> 00:01:56,712 You're a special person every week, kiddo. 53 00:01:56,714 --> 00:01:58,981 Oh, hi, Lils. 54 00:01:58,983 --> 00:02:00,950 Morning. What's happening? 55 00:02:00,952 --> 00:02:02,985 Well, volleyball finals are all weekend, 56 00:02:02,987 --> 00:02:04,620 so I'm missing Jade's birthday party. 57 00:02:04,622 --> 00:02:06,689 - [Urinating] - Door closed, please. 58 00:02:06,691 --> 00:02:10,726 Yeah, no one needs to see that before coffee, dad. 59 00:02:10,728 --> 00:02:12,294 It's a sleepover at the London. 60 00:02:12,296 --> 00:02:13,829 Her mom's got the penthouse suite. 61 00:02:13,831 --> 00:02:15,531 Hey, give that to Charlie. 62 00:02:15,533 --> 00:02:17,533 After volleyball, can't you drive me? 63 00:02:17,535 --> 00:02:20,569 The London hotel. That just seems crazy. 64 00:02:20,571 --> 00:02:22,238 Here you go, sweetie. 65 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:23,806 - Mom? - Yeah? 66 00:02:23,808 --> 00:02:25,307 Is it weird that I like the smell 67 00:02:25,309 --> 00:02:26,475 of my own farts? 68 00:02:26,477 --> 00:02:27,509 - Yes. - No. 69 00:02:27,511 --> 00:02:28,510 Gross, Charlie. 70 00:02:28,512 --> 00:02:30,262 - Daddy? - Mm-hmm. 71 00:02:30,263 --> 00:02:32,013 You're gonna help me with my special person board, right? 72 00:02:32,016 --> 00:02:34,550 - Yeah, of course. - I'm on it, Bun-bun. 73 00:02:34,630 --> 00:02:37,292 _ 74 00:02:39,490 --> 00:02:40,990 Lilly, I thought Jade was the one 75 00:02:40,992 --> 00:02:42,825 who was writing all those mean texts about you. 76 00:02:42,827 --> 00:02:43,892 She was going through some stuff. 77 00:02:43,894 --> 00:02:46,262 She just found out she's adopted. 78 00:02:46,264 --> 00:02:47,496 You know what? You're a teenager, 79 00:02:47,498 --> 00:02:50,766 - and there are gonna be plenty of awesome hotels - _ 80 00:02:50,768 --> 00:02:52,001 - and awesome parties... - So I can't go? 81 00:02:52,003 --> 00:02:53,969 - In your future. - Dad. 82 00:02:53,971 --> 00:02:57,339 Up to your mom, she who must be obeyed. 83 00:02:57,341 --> 00:02:59,008 - Well? - I will think about it, Lil. 84 00:02:59,010 --> 00:03:00,943 Now haul ass. We're leaving. 85 00:03:00,945 --> 00:03:03,412 Backpack, Charlie. 86 00:03:03,414 --> 00:03:05,014 Backpack, Charlie. 87 00:03:05,016 --> 00:03:06,048 Love you. 88 00:03:06,050 --> 00:03:07,449 Bye. 89 00:03:07,451 --> 00:03:09,351 Love you, Lilly. 90 00:03:21,565 --> 00:03:23,599 [Horn honks in the distance] 91 00:03:23,601 --> 00:03:26,669 Okay, Charlie and Lilly are in. 92 00:03:29,507 --> 00:03:30,906 Hey, guys, what's going on? 93 00:03:30,908 --> 00:03:32,741 Keep smiling, okay? 94 00:03:32,743 --> 00:03:35,477 Yes, I will. 95 00:03:35,479 --> 00:03:36,478 Coffee, mama? 96 00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:38,414 I am seriously still drunk 97 00:03:38,416 --> 00:03:40,033 on last night's cava. Have you been... 98 00:03:40,035 --> 00:03:43,351 People are giving me, like, a face, like, a sympathy face. 99 00:03:43,354 --> 00:03:45,454 - They are? Really? - Yes. 100 00:03:45,456 --> 00:03:46,889 Where are my children? 101 00:03:46,891 --> 00:03:48,324 I didn't see them. 102 00:03:48,326 --> 00:03:49,792 Anouk? Anouk, Luco! 103 00:03:49,794 --> 00:03:51,427 - Mrs. Wills. - What? 104 00:03:51,429 --> 00:03:53,796 They were outside trying to cross the street again. 105 00:03:53,798 --> 00:03:55,331 - Oh, my... - You crazies. 106 00:03:55,333 --> 00:03:57,333 I told you to stay with mama. 107 00:03:57,335 --> 00:03:58,801 Sorry. 108 00:03:58,803 --> 00:04:00,703 Thank you so much. 109 00:04:00,705 --> 00:04:02,905 I'm horrible. Go to class now. 110 00:04:02,907 --> 00:04:05,808 If you see Charlie, just tell him I have his shoe. 111 00:04:05,810 --> 00:04:07,276 Do you think people know? 112 00:04:07,277 --> 00:04:08,743 What? About you and Jake splitting? 113 00:04:08,746 --> 00:04:11,447 - Sorry. - God. 114 00:04:11,449 --> 00:04:12,514 - I gotta find Charlie. - Okay. 115 00:04:12,516 --> 00:04:13,749 I will see you... 116 00:04:13,751 --> 00:04:15,684 - Later. - Yes. 117 00:04:19,056 --> 00:04:20,789 Ugh, come on. 118 00:04:20,791 --> 00:04:22,091 [Funkadelic's "Can you get to that?"] 119 00:04:22,093 --> 00:04:24,727 I once had a life 120 00:04:24,729 --> 00:04:28,530 or rather, life had me 121 00:04:28,532 --> 00:04:31,900 I was one among many 122 00:04:31,902 --> 00:04:34,937 or at least I seemed to be 123 00:04:34,939 --> 00:04:36,672 can you get to that? 124 00:04:36,674 --> 00:04:38,407 Can you get 125 00:04:38,409 --> 00:04:40,876 can you get to that? I want to know 126 00:04:40,878 --> 00:04:43,011 Did you tell anyone at school about me and Jake? 127 00:04:43,013 --> 00:04:45,581 Of course not. I'm a lawyer. 128 00:04:45,583 --> 00:04:47,583 - You're not my lawyer. - Not yet. 129 00:04:47,585 --> 00:04:49,585 Just let me know when you're ready to ditch your moron. 130 00:04:49,587 --> 00:04:51,420 Well, people know. I can tell. 131 00:04:51,422 --> 00:04:53,589 Eric Frank eye-banged me at drop-off. 132 00:04:53,591 --> 00:04:55,057 He's like a divorce-seeking missile. 133 00:04:55,059 --> 00:04:57,159 Yeah, well, he finger-banged Marjorie Davis, 134 00:04:57,161 --> 00:04:59,094 - so count yourself lucky. - Oh, my God. 135 00:04:59,096 --> 00:05:00,596 Did you see Dan this morning? 136 00:05:00,598 --> 00:05:01,764 Did he look hungover to you? 137 00:05:01,766 --> 00:05:03,249 I... we were late. 138 00:05:03,250 --> 00:05:04,733 He was out until 3:00 in the morning last night, 139 00:05:04,735 --> 00:05:06,852 left the kids with a sitter. 140 00:05:06,853 --> 00:05:08,970 Lyla, you cannot have people followed. 141 00:05:08,973 --> 00:05:11,840 He leaves the kids with a sitter on his night. 142 00:05:11,842 --> 00:05:13,642 He can't do that perverted shit during the day? 143 00:05:13,644 --> 00:05:14,977 He's got no job. 144 00:05:14,979 --> 00:05:18,480 All this anger, you need to let it go. 145 00:05:18,482 --> 00:05:20,549 You need to cry, be sad. 146 00:05:20,551 --> 00:05:21,683 You know what makes me cry? 147 00:05:21,685 --> 00:05:23,585 What a spectacular piece of shit he is. 148 00:05:23,587 --> 00:05:25,587 50 grand a month I give that man, 149 00:05:25,589 --> 00:05:26,855 and now he's after my pension. 150 00:05:26,857 --> 00:05:30,025 All I need to do... hello... is prove him unfit. 151 00:05:30,027 --> 00:05:31,026 Then I get the kids, and he can't live 152 00:05:31,028 --> 00:05:32,027 off the child support. 153 00:05:32,029 --> 00:05:33,662 - He's entitled to half. - No. 154 00:05:33,664 --> 00:05:34,930 If he were a woman, you would say the same thing. 155 00:05:34,932 --> 00:05:36,098 If he were a woman, I'd understand 156 00:05:36,100 --> 00:05:37,933 why he's got no balls, but failing that... 157 00:05:37,935 --> 00:05:39,001 [laughs] 158 00:05:41,839 --> 00:05:43,005 Keep walking, keep walking, keep walking... 159 00:05:43,007 --> 00:05:46,542 Hey, Abby! Over here. 160 00:05:46,544 --> 00:05:48,811 - Hi, good morning. - Both: Hi. 161 00:05:48,813 --> 00:05:50,813 - It's Layla, right? - Lyla. 162 00:05:50,814 --> 00:05:52,814 Hey, woman, where have you been hiding yourself? 163 00:05:52,817 --> 00:05:53,982 - Sit. Let's catch up. - We can't. 164 00:05:53,984 --> 00:05:55,083 We're actually meeting Phoebe inside... 165 00:05:55,085 --> 00:05:56,585 - Yes. - For coffee. 166 00:05:56,587 --> 00:05:57,886 - There she is. - Both: Hi. 167 00:05:57,888 --> 00:05:59,488 - I'm gonna go get us a table. - Great. 168 00:05:59,490 --> 00:06:00,789 Hello, you beautiful bitches. 169 00:06:00,791 --> 00:06:03,158 - Mm. - I will see you inside. 170 00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:05,093 So, hey, I saw Jake at drop-off yesterday. 171 00:06:05,095 --> 00:06:06,762 Are you guys cleansing? 172 00:06:06,764 --> 00:06:08,197 You look so thin. 173 00:06:08,199 --> 00:06:10,032 - I think she's ordering for us. - Is she? 174 00:06:10,034 --> 00:06:11,600 - I'm so sorry. - It could get cold. 175 00:06:11,602 --> 00:06:13,035 - We'll see you guys later. - Bye. 176 00:06:13,037 --> 00:06:15,838 - Bye. - Nice seeing you. 177 00:06:15,840 --> 00:06:17,940 Well, those moms know. 178 00:06:17,942 --> 00:06:20,542 - Trying to break me. I'm just... - They are not. 179 00:06:20,544 --> 00:06:22,811 They are obsessed with Phoebe and cleansing. 180 00:06:22,813 --> 00:06:24,046 No, the cleanse is the divorce diet. 181 00:06:24,048 --> 00:06:25,681 - Hey! Hey! - No, it's just a cleanse 182 00:06:25,683 --> 00:06:28,050 - sometimes. - Max, oh, my God. 183 00:06:28,052 --> 00:06:29,551 I called you, like, six times, 184 00:06:29,553 --> 00:06:30,786 and mom hasn't heard from you either. 185 00:06:30,788 --> 00:06:32,921 - I know, I'm sorry. - Thank you so much. 186 00:06:32,923 --> 00:06:35,057 - You're welcome. - Lyla, did you say hi to Max? 187 00:06:35,059 --> 00:06:36,525 Hi, Max. 188 00:06:36,527 --> 00:06:38,694 - Hi. - Um... 189 00:06:38,696 --> 00:06:43,499 So are you, like, friends with those two now or... 190 00:06:43,501 --> 00:06:44,867 You know what? 191 00:06:44,869 --> 00:06:48,837 Um, I'm gonna call you back, I promise, and I love you. 192 00:06:52,510 --> 00:06:53,842 Your brother's super foxy. 193 00:06:53,844 --> 00:06:55,978 Her brother, super foxy? 194 00:06:55,980 --> 00:06:58,280 - Are you in a tab commercial? - No. 195 00:06:58,282 --> 00:06:59,281 I have got to stop avoiding him. 196 00:06:59,283 --> 00:07:00,849 He's really getting suspicious. 197 00:07:00,851 --> 00:07:02,885 Why haven't you told him yet? You're very close. 198 00:07:02,887 --> 00:07:04,653 - Just tell him. - We are. 199 00:07:04,655 --> 00:07:07,055 It's just that he is incredibly traditional about some things. 200 00:07:07,057 --> 00:07:08,657 Yeah, but you can't keep this a secret forever. 201 00:07:08,659 --> 00:07:09,858 Jake hasn't been living at home for weeks. 202 00:07:09,860 --> 00:07:11,093 Yeah, but we've been very careful. 203 00:07:11,095 --> 00:07:12,628 He's always home before the kids get up. 204 00:07:12,630 --> 00:07:13,862 - But nobody sees you together. - Yeah. 205 00:07:13,864 --> 00:07:15,797 And suddenly you're hanging around with us. 206 00:07:15,799 --> 00:07:17,666 The whores with the Scarlet D on their chests. 207 00:07:17,668 --> 00:07:18,700 I wouldn't characterize it like that. 208 00:07:18,702 --> 00:07:19,735 No, I would. 209 00:07:19,736 --> 00:07:20,769 I actually thought that about yours. 210 00:07:20,771 --> 00:07:22,004 I think it's time. 211 00:07:22,006 --> 00:07:23,005 You got to tell your kids you're separated. 212 00:07:23,007 --> 00:07:24,295 Keeping this a secret... 213 00:07:24,296 --> 00:07:25,584 Betsy Brown Braun says it's better not to. 214 00:07:25,585 --> 00:07:26,873 She says separation's so vague, and... 215 00:07:26,877 --> 00:07:28,310 Who's Betsy Brown Braun Braun? 216 00:07:28,312 --> 00:07:29,645 Betsy Brown Braun. 217 00:07:29,647 --> 00:07:30,913 Fantastic specializing... 218 00:07:30,915 --> 00:07:32,114 - Amazing. - In divorce and children. 219 00:07:32,116 --> 00:07:33,715 - I have her on speed dial. - Great to know. 220 00:07:33,717 --> 00:07:35,284 But maybe I won't even have to tell the kids at all, 221 00:07:35,286 --> 00:07:37,553 because if Jake moves back in, 222 00:07:37,555 --> 00:07:39,054 then we all go back to normal, 223 00:07:39,056 --> 00:07:42,624 and the kids will never have to even know he was gone. 224 00:07:42,626 --> 00:07:48,330 But he's been promiscuous and, uh, not discreet. 225 00:07:48,332 --> 00:07:50,032 I know he's been dating, 226 00:07:50,034 --> 00:07:52,868 and he has been rubbing my nose in it, 227 00:07:52,870 --> 00:07:55,904 but he's allowed because we are on a break. 228 00:07:55,906 --> 00:07:59,308 We are taking a time-out to explore what we want. 229 00:07:59,310 --> 00:08:01,910 What he wants is a sports car 230 00:08:01,912 --> 00:08:05,347 and club snatch. 231 00:08:05,349 --> 00:08:07,616 Abby, 232 00:08:07,618 --> 00:08:10,185 Ralf saw him at the Ch?teau with the CW actress. 233 00:08:10,187 --> 00:08:13,322 They were getting a room. 234 00:08:13,324 --> 00:08:15,357 Uh, sorry. 235 00:08:15,359 --> 00:08:16,658 Sorry. 236 00:08:16,660 --> 00:08:19,795 Not my business. Um... 237 00:08:19,797 --> 00:08:22,731 A CW actress. Does she play a parent? 238 00:08:22,733 --> 00:08:24,700 We are just telling you this because we think it's time 239 00:08:24,702 --> 00:08:25,834 - for you to move on. - What's her name? 240 00:08:25,836 --> 00:08:27,035 - I don't know. - We don't know... 241 00:08:27,037 --> 00:08:28,303 - Phoebe. - And we don't care. 242 00:08:28,305 --> 00:08:29,271 - Phoebe. - I don't know. 243 00:08:29,273 --> 00:08:30,372 - Tell me. - We don't know. 244 00:08:30,374 --> 00:08:31,673 - You are lying to me. - We don't know. 245 00:08:31,675 --> 00:08:33,008 Becca Riley. 246 00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:38,246 [Typing] 247 00:08:41,538 --> 00:08:45,606 Born in 1989. 1989! 248 00:08:45,625 --> 00:08:48,026 Jake and I graduated college in 1989. 249 00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:49,555 - All right. - Do you know that he texted me this morning 250 00:08:49,570 --> 00:08:51,003 asking me for more money for his expenses? 251 00:08:51,004 --> 00:08:53,337 - Okay, Abby, Abby, breathe. - These are his expenses? 252 00:08:53,340 --> 00:08:54,206 - Abby, relax. - No. 253 00:08:54,307 --> 00:08:55,173 - Will you just... - This is not good. 254 00:08:55,276 --> 00:08:56,909 Nice work, Wikileaks. 255 00:09:02,450 --> 00:09:03,582 Oh my God. It... 256 00:09:03,584 --> 00:09:04,850 What did you say? 257 00:09:04,852 --> 00:09:07,453 - Ugh. - Okay. 258 00:09:07,455 --> 00:09:09,889 "Which bills do you need me to pay specifically? 259 00:09:09,891 --> 00:09:13,259 The suite at the Ch?teau, the Princess Diaries on demand?" 260 00:09:13,461 --> 00:09:16,395 Nice. "Therapy for Lilly when she finds out her dad 261 00:09:16,397 --> 00:09:18,830 trolls for dates at One Direction concerts?" 262 00:09:18,832 --> 00:09:21,182 - Wow. That's a good response. - Mm-hmm. 263 00:09:21,184 --> 00:09:22,375 - Good response. - I know. 264 00:09:22,786 --> 00:09:25,387 You know what? I think we need to go to a sweat lodge. 265 00:09:25,389 --> 00:09:27,689 We need to purge of this toxic crap. 266 00:09:27,691 --> 00:09:31,059 I say she needs to buy things, you dirty hippie. 267 00:09:31,061 --> 00:09:32,728 [Laughs] 268 00:09:32,730 --> 00:09:34,029 Here's the upside. 269 00:09:34,031 --> 00:09:36,298 It's over with Jake. You know you can move on. 270 00:09:36,300 --> 00:09:37,766 It's not that simple. 271 00:09:37,768 --> 00:09:40,369 - I mean, Jake's angry because... - Screw that. 272 00:09:40,371 --> 00:09:41,770 Why aren't you exploring? 273 00:09:41,772 --> 00:09:43,639 Use your sexual amnesty while you have it. 274 00:09:43,641 --> 00:09:44,940 - You can't smoke in here. - Mm. 275 00:09:44,942 --> 00:09:46,008 - It's not... - They're organic. 276 00:09:46,010 --> 00:09:47,042 - She... - Here. Try some. 277 00:09:47,044 --> 00:09:49,277 - Oh, no rules for Phoebe! - No. 278 00:09:49,279 --> 00:09:51,246 The first thing I did when Ralf and I split 279 00:09:51,248 --> 00:09:53,281 was fly to Berlin and screw myself into a coma. 280 00:09:53,283 --> 00:09:54,683 Oh, my God, we should all go. 281 00:09:54,685 --> 00:09:55,684 My au pair can stay with our kids. 282 00:09:55,686 --> 00:09:56,718 - Sure. - Yes. 283 00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:57,686 Let us get right on that. 284 00:09:57,688 --> 00:09:59,221 At the very least, 285 00:09:59,222 --> 00:10:00,755 you should come out with me one night when Jake has the kids. 286 00:10:00,758 --> 00:10:02,024 Ralf opened a new club. 287 00:10:02,026 --> 00:10:03,158 You're always hanging out with your ex. 288 00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:04,760 - It's unusual. - I know, it's shocking. 289 00:10:04,762 --> 00:10:08,063 I like him, and he gets me impossible reservations. 290 00:10:08,065 --> 00:10:09,398 You need this. 291 00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:10,799 Excuse me. 292 00:10:10,801 --> 00:10:12,668 - You can't smoke in here. - Every time. 293 00:10:12,670 --> 00:10:15,337 - Sorry. - Sorry. 294 00:10:15,339 --> 00:10:17,072 - You just got in trouble. - Whoop. 295 00:10:17,074 --> 00:10:19,441 Abby's gonna get her groove on 296 00:10:19,443 --> 00:10:21,977 - Abby's gonna get her groove - Oh, my God. 297 00:10:21,979 --> 00:10:23,045 [Laughs] 298 00:10:23,047 --> 00:10:24,913 No, I mean, I would, but it's just... 299 00:10:24,915 --> 00:10:25,566 What? 300 00:10:26,417 --> 00:10:30,048 Uh, you know, the idea of somebody new seeing me naked 301 00:10:30,050 --> 00:10:33,722 - and baby boobs. - So fix 'em. 302 00:10:33,724 --> 00:10:37,959 I have the best tit doctor in the world. 303 00:10:37,961 --> 00:10:39,461 - Touch 'em. - Really? 304 00:10:39,463 --> 00:10:41,163 - Yeah, just... full frontal, go. - I will. 305 00:10:41,165 --> 00:10:42,931 Okay. 306 00:10:42,933 --> 00:10:44,232 - Wow! - They're pretty good, right? 307 00:10:44,234 --> 00:10:45,467 - That is impressive! - I mean, impressive. 308 00:10:45,469 --> 00:10:47,803 I mean, I don't feel a bag or anything. 309 00:10:47,805 --> 00:10:50,005 No, it's like, seamless operation. 310 00:10:50,007 --> 00:10:51,440 Yeah! 311 00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:52,941 Don't mind them. She's just showing off her work. 312 00:10:52,943 --> 00:10:54,309 - Sorry. - Sorry. 313 00:10:54,311 --> 00:10:57,713 Amazing. Dr. Marber is an artist. 314 00:10:57,715 --> 00:11:00,449 Dr. Marber? No way. 315 00:11:00,451 --> 00:11:02,984 - Do it. - Oh, wow. 316 00:11:02,986 --> 00:11:05,454 Oh, my God! Ah! 317 00:11:05,456 --> 00:11:07,155 Wow, that is... thank you. 318 00:11:07,157 --> 00:11:10,258 Four matching boobs. They are gorgeous. 319 00:11:13,263 --> 00:11:16,732 Where are my pores? I look like a cyborg. 320 00:11:16,734 --> 00:11:19,301 I know, isn't it great? 321 00:11:19,303 --> 00:11:21,837 Look, it's just for the book tour stuff, you know. 322 00:11:21,839 --> 00:11:25,240 Fine, just go with it. Android. 323 00:11:25,242 --> 00:11:27,976 Oh, now, we're getting media requests for the whole family 324 00:11:27,978 --> 00:11:30,045 - together, you know, Dr. Phil. - No. 325 00:11:30,047 --> 00:11:32,013 - Dr. Oz. - No. 326 00:11:32,015 --> 00:11:33,582 Any of the doctors? 327 00:11:33,583 --> 00:11:35,150 No. No, I don't want the kids on television. 328 00:11:35,152 --> 00:11:36,218 Why not? 329 00:11:36,220 --> 00:11:38,186 I mean, you wrote about them. 330 00:11:38,188 --> 00:11:39,855 Your readers feel like they know you, 331 00:11:39,857 --> 00:11:41,790 like they've watched your kids growing up. 332 00:11:41,792 --> 00:11:43,125 In their imaginations. 333 00:11:43,127 --> 00:11:44,993 Reality, have you seen my daughter? 334 00:11:44,995 --> 00:11:47,529 She's all lithe and gorgeous. 335 00:11:47,531 --> 00:11:49,931 She's, like, a minute away from Cruise's guy 336 00:11:49,933 --> 00:11:51,767 asking her to be Tom's next child bride. 337 00:11:51,769 --> 00:11:54,069 [Sighs] Just you and Jake then. 338 00:11:54,071 --> 00:11:56,972 He's not as cute as the kids, but I'll take what I can get. 339 00:11:56,974 --> 00:11:59,307 You know, it's not just you that we're selling. 340 00:11:59,309 --> 00:12:00,342 It's the whole family. 341 00:12:00,344 --> 00:12:01,409 He's very busy. 342 00:12:01,411 --> 00:12:03,178 Doing what? 343 00:12:03,180 --> 00:12:06,214 He is prepping an indie that he is going to direct. 344 00:12:06,216 --> 00:12:08,283 So is our waiter. 345 00:12:08,285 --> 00:12:12,287 Look, tell him he's coming, no excuses. 346 00:12:12,289 --> 00:12:15,056 Sure. 347 00:12:15,058 --> 00:12:16,792 - Everything okay? - I'm fine. 348 00:12:16,794 --> 00:12:17,893 I'll tell him. I'll tell him. 349 00:12:17,895 --> 00:12:19,795 It's not that I don't care. 350 00:12:19,797 --> 00:12:21,296 I just don't care right now. 351 00:12:21,298 --> 00:12:23,064 All right? I got to go. 352 00:12:23,066 --> 00:12:24,199 Okay. 353 00:12:24,201 --> 00:12:25,567 - You're going. - All right. 354 00:12:25,569 --> 00:12:27,235 - All right, baby. - Bye. 355 00:12:27,237 --> 00:12:30,205 See you and Jake, Barnes & Noble, 356 00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:32,207 I'll have the press there, 357 00:12:32,208 --> 00:12:34,208 do a couple of interviews, a couple of happy snaps. 358 00:12:34,211 --> 00:12:36,812 - Easy peasy. - Yeah. 359 00:12:36,814 --> 00:12:38,346 - You look great. - Bye, Cat. Thank you. 360 00:12:38,348 --> 00:12:41,149 Bye, darling. 361 00:12:41,151 --> 00:12:42,551 Easy peasy. 362 00:12:42,553 --> 00:12:45,987 Cat said that Jake needs to be at the book signing. 363 00:12:45,989 --> 00:12:49,090 He does. United front sells books, you know. 364 00:12:49,092 --> 00:12:50,425 If he's not there, it hurts the brand. 365 00:12:50,427 --> 00:12:52,127 Jake doesn't care about the brand, 366 00:12:52,129 --> 00:12:54,062 and besides, I basically called him a child molester. 367 00:12:54,064 --> 00:12:55,330 So what? You know what? 368 00:12:55,331 --> 00:12:56,597 These guys, they don't see the big picture. 369 00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:58,466 This is about your financial future. 370 00:12:58,468 --> 00:13:01,036 You, Lilly, Charlie. This is important. 371 00:13:01,038 --> 00:13:03,205 - [Doorbell rings] - Oh, there's Dan. 372 00:13:03,207 --> 00:13:04,306 He's gonna want to talk about money, 373 00:13:04,308 --> 00:13:06,007 I can guarantee you... these guys. 374 00:13:06,009 --> 00:13:07,542 Call me after. 375 00:13:07,544 --> 00:13:09,845 - Bye. - [Doorbell rings] 376 00:13:09,847 --> 00:13:11,112 Yes, Poppy. 377 00:13:11,114 --> 00:13:13,181 Yes, it's a doorbell. I know, sweet pea. 378 00:13:13,183 --> 00:13:14,616 I know, I know, I know. 379 00:13:14,618 --> 00:13:18,086 - Ni?os! Como estan? - Hi, hi, hi, hi. 380 00:13:18,088 --> 00:13:21,890 Hi. I missed you. 381 00:13:21,892 --> 00:13:23,091 Get over here. 382 00:13:23,093 --> 00:13:24,092 - I missed you so much. - Ouch. 383 00:13:24,094 --> 00:13:25,594 I know ouch. 384 00:13:25,596 --> 00:13:29,030 There are surprises in your rooms if you go into your rooms. 385 00:13:29,032 --> 00:13:30,665 - Thank you, Juanita. - Si, se?ora. 386 00:13:30,667 --> 00:13:33,335 Don't do that. They don't need surprises just for coming home. 387 00:13:33,337 --> 00:13:36,104 Yes, they do. What are you feeding Eric? 388 00:13:36,106 --> 00:13:38,273 - He's getting breasts. - No, he's not. 389 00:13:38,275 --> 00:13:40,075 So they said get a bunch of ladybugs 390 00:13:40,077 --> 00:13:42,611 'cause it's supposed to take care of something in the gar... 391 00:13:42,613 --> 00:13:45,347 aphids or something like that, like... 392 00:13:45,349 --> 00:13:50,085 I wanted to tell you before you heard around, 393 00:13:50,087 --> 00:13:51,419 I met somebody. 394 00:13:51,421 --> 00:13:53,521 Oh. 395 00:13:55,959 --> 00:13:57,993 Well, I hope you two will be very happy 396 00:13:57,995 --> 00:13:59,527 together in your dungeon. 397 00:13:59,529 --> 00:14:01,229 Does she know about your adventures? 398 00:14:01,231 --> 00:14:03,231 That's over. I just... this new thing is getting serious. 399 00:14:03,233 --> 00:14:07,334 Hang on. You told me you committed to a new lifestyle. 400 00:14:07,337 --> 00:14:09,204 I thought I did. 401 00:14:09,206 --> 00:14:12,240 I think... I just 402 00:14:12,242 --> 00:14:15,176 craved being humiliated when you and I were together. 403 00:14:15,178 --> 00:14:17,345 You know, I've done a lot of work on myself, babe, 404 00:14:17,347 --> 00:14:19,264 and if you remember, 405 00:14:19,265 --> 00:14:21,182 it was work that I thought you and I should do together. 406 00:14:21,184 --> 00:14:25,253 I remember you hemorrhaging my money to a dominatrix. 407 00:14:25,255 --> 00:14:26,688 - You did. - No. 408 00:14:26,690 --> 00:14:30,058 You gave up when you licked the boot, babe. 409 00:14:34,498 --> 00:14:36,598 [Sighs] 410 00:14:41,204 --> 00:14:43,204 Juanita has made too much food. 411 00:14:43,206 --> 00:14:48,410 Would you like to eat with me and the boys? 412 00:14:48,412 --> 00:14:50,078 Yeah. 413 00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:52,180 [The DNC's Num Num] num num 414 00:14:52,182 --> 00:14:54,149 so come on spoil me treat me as if I was a brat 415 00:14:54,151 --> 00:14:56,318 I'm enjoying this girl, yeah, as if you was all that 416 00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:57,619 [People moaning] 417 00:14:57,621 --> 00:14:59,571 But I'll be back for one other snack 418 00:14:59,572 --> 00:15:01,522 next stop, the love cave, drop by and we could chat 419 00:15:01,525 --> 00:15:03,959 when I see you, baby girl, I be like, num num 420 00:15:03,961 --> 00:15:06,261 no doubt, girl, I want a bite of that num num 421 00:15:06,263 --> 00:15:08,563 go ahead, girl, feed me with that num num 422 00:15:08,565 --> 00:15:09,965 I got to have it 423 00:15:09,967 --> 00:15:11,517 give me that num num 424 00:15:11,518 --> 00:15:13,068 when I see you, baby boy, I be like, num num 425 00:15:13,070 --> 00:15:14,402 You are so competitive. 426 00:15:14,404 --> 00:15:17,305 [Sighs] 427 00:15:17,307 --> 00:15:20,375 Num num I got to have it 428 00:15:20,377 --> 00:15:22,010 Okay, that stays between us. 429 00:15:22,012 --> 00:15:23,111 I think we deserve one for the road. 430 00:15:23,113 --> 00:15:25,146 Good. 431 00:15:27,517 --> 00:15:28,984 Okay. 432 00:15:28,986 --> 00:15:31,019 No more chicken nuggets for Eric. 433 00:15:31,021 --> 00:15:32,253 Right. Call you tomorrow. 434 00:15:32,255 --> 00:15:34,356 Okay. 435 00:15:37,427 --> 00:15:39,427 [Engine starts] 436 00:15:39,429 --> 00:15:41,396 [Dialing] 437 00:15:41,398 --> 00:15:43,131 [Car departs] 438 00:15:43,133 --> 00:15:44,366 Hi. 439 00:15:44,368 --> 00:15:46,634 Yes, I would like to report a drunk driver. 440 00:15:51,241 --> 00:15:53,108 [Siren wails] 441 00:15:53,110 --> 00:15:54,376 Oh, no. 442 00:15:56,413 --> 00:15:59,381 [Police radio chatter] 443 00:16:15,533 --> 00:16:17,333 [Indistinct chatter] 444 00:16:17,335 --> 00:16:18,534 - Hi. - Hey. 445 00:16:18,536 --> 00:16:20,136 - Hi, Uncle Max. Hi, Ford. - Logan, Logan. 446 00:16:20,138 --> 00:16:22,204 - We're late again. - Whoa. 447 00:16:22,206 --> 00:16:24,206 It's Charlie's special day, so we have to get into school. 448 00:16:24,208 --> 00:16:26,242 Dad, carry this inward, so nobody can see it. 449 00:16:26,244 --> 00:16:28,110 All right, go ahead. All right, come on inside. 450 00:16:28,112 --> 00:16:29,111 - Max. - Go ahead. Go ahead. 451 00:16:29,113 --> 00:16:30,546 - Dad, inward! - I got it. 452 00:16:30,548 --> 00:16:33,182 I'll take the boys in. You look spectacular... 453 00:16:33,184 --> 00:16:34,517 - Thank you. - As always. 454 00:16:34,519 --> 00:16:36,252 Will you please tell my husband pajama pants are not 455 00:16:36,254 --> 00:16:37,420 acceptable drop-off wear? 456 00:16:37,422 --> 00:16:39,155 Oh, do you want me to wait in the car, 457 00:16:39,157 --> 00:16:40,289 so you won't be embarrassed or... 458 00:16:40,291 --> 00:16:42,658 - Please. - Okay. 459 00:16:42,660 --> 00:16:43,659 Come on. 460 00:16:43,661 --> 00:16:45,161 - Hey. - Hi. 461 00:16:45,163 --> 00:16:46,696 Let's go, buddy, we don't want to be late. 462 00:16:46,698 --> 00:16:48,331 What's going on with you and Jake? 463 00:16:48,333 --> 00:16:51,251 I'm hearing rumors. 464 00:16:51,252 --> 00:16:54,170 Okay, um, you know that we've been in therapy. 465 00:16:54,172 --> 00:16:55,471 Mm. 466 00:16:55,473 --> 00:16:57,573 Well, we are taking a break. 467 00:16:57,575 --> 00:16:59,208 Jesus, Abby. 468 00:16:59,210 --> 00:17:01,277 Well, I knew you guys were having problems. 469 00:17:01,279 --> 00:17:02,478 Why didn't you tell me? 470 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,380 Because we're trying to keep it a secret. 471 00:17:04,381 --> 00:17:06,281 Well, hanging out with your new girlfriends isn't helping. 472 00:17:06,284 --> 00:17:07,283 Phoebe and Lyla. 473 00:17:07,285 --> 00:17:09,285 Uh-huh. What about it? 474 00:17:09,287 --> 00:17:12,355 Oh, come on, Abby, they're the poster models for divorce. 475 00:17:12,357 --> 00:17:14,423 We used to mock them, remember, with their surgeries 476 00:17:14,425 --> 00:17:16,058 and their outfits and their kegels. 477 00:17:16,060 --> 00:17:17,193 Well, I was wrong about them, 478 00:17:17,195 --> 00:17:18,461 and they've really been there for me. 479 00:17:18,463 --> 00:17:21,330 That's because they got divorced. 480 00:17:21,332 --> 00:17:23,099 You have to know they're encouraging you. 481 00:17:23,101 --> 00:17:26,002 - Misery loves company. - That is so not fair. 482 00:17:26,304 --> 00:17:28,938 I have to go to Charlie's thing, but we will talk. 483 00:17:28,940 --> 00:17:31,173 - Okay? - Okay. Okay. 484 00:17:31,175 --> 00:17:33,643 Abby, Abby. 485 00:17:33,645 --> 00:17:37,446 I know you guys can work it out. 486 00:17:37,448 --> 00:17:39,215 Me too. Thank you. 487 00:17:39,217 --> 00:17:41,250 Pajama pants. 488 00:17:41,252 --> 00:17:43,519 If you weren't so good-looking, they'd take away your gay card. 489 00:17:47,926 --> 00:17:50,927 Uh, hey, I need... not a favor exactly... 490 00:17:50,929 --> 00:17:52,228 - but the book signing at the... - Hey, where do you get off 491 00:17:52,230 --> 00:17:54,063 sending those texts, Abby? We're on a break. 492 00:17:54,065 --> 00:17:55,464 - I'm sorry. - I mean, the Princess Diaries? 493 00:17:55,466 --> 00:17:57,500 Well, it was funny, but you know what? 494 00:17:57,502 --> 00:17:59,468 I had a reaction, and I'm sorry. Yeah. 495 00:17:59,470 --> 00:18:03,205 But at the signing, we need to present a united front. 496 00:18:03,207 --> 00:18:05,174 - What's that mean? - You have to come. 497 00:18:05,176 --> 00:18:08,210 The book won't sell if people think we're in trouble. 498 00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:09,946 Well, then it won't sell. 499 00:18:09,947 --> 00:18:11,681 Bad enough that the kids have to live with everyone reading 500 00:18:11,683 --> 00:18:13,582 about their adorable poops and the bed wetting and... 501 00:18:13,584 --> 00:18:15,584 Those poops put you through film school. 502 00:18:15,586 --> 00:18:16,585 Hey, you know, maybe you should write a book about lying 503 00:18:16,587 --> 00:18:17,620 'cause it turns out 504 00:18:17,621 --> 00:18:18,654 - you're really good at it. - Nice. 505 00:18:18,656 --> 00:18:20,256 Hello. 506 00:18:20,258 --> 00:18:22,325 - Hi. - Charlie's ready for you. 507 00:18:22,327 --> 00:18:24,260 Great. 508 00:18:24,262 --> 00:18:26,329 My mommy writes books about us. 509 00:18:26,331 --> 00:18:29,565 She was even on TV one time. 510 00:18:29,567 --> 00:18:33,202 This is me, mommy, and daddy on Splash Mountain. 511 00:18:33,204 --> 00:18:35,271 Best day ever. 512 00:18:43,614 --> 00:18:45,715 Screw it. 513 00:18:50,388 --> 00:18:52,388 Hey, mama, what's up? 514 00:18:52,390 --> 00:18:53,723 You win. 515 00:18:53,725 --> 00:18:55,992 Get me laid. 516 00:19:00,565 --> 00:19:02,098 Dan can't drive for at least three months. 517 00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:03,532 Doesn't look good in family court. 518 00:19:03,534 --> 00:19:05,468 If he's deemed unfit, I get full custody. Boom. 519 00:19:05,470 --> 00:19:07,069 No child support for the ginger man. 520 00:19:07,071 --> 00:19:08,738 - I'm judging you. - Don't give me the gesture. 521 00:19:08,740 --> 00:19:10,006 [Overlapping chatter] 522 00:19:14,078 --> 00:19:15,444 Where is everybody? 523 00:19:15,446 --> 00:19:18,314 This is fab-u-lous. 524 00:19:18,316 --> 00:19:20,082 No one's dancing. 525 00:19:20,084 --> 00:19:21,217 Look at you. 526 00:19:21,219 --> 00:19:22,284 - Hey, baby. - Come on. 527 00:19:22,286 --> 00:19:24,253 Told you we'd make it. 528 00:19:24,255 --> 00:19:26,422 Fantastic. 529 00:19:26,424 --> 00:19:27,723 Ladies, lovely to see you. 530 00:19:27,725 --> 00:19:29,725 Will, would you like to show these beauties 531 00:19:29,727 --> 00:19:31,761 to the other room? 532 00:19:31,763 --> 00:19:35,031 Absolutely, yes. 533 00:19:36,367 --> 00:19:38,467 It's like hipster Disneyland. 534 00:19:43,207 --> 00:19:46,208 [Electronic dance music] 535 00:19:46,210 --> 00:19:50,646 536 00:19:50,648 --> 00:19:53,649 [Song changes] 537 00:19:53,651 --> 00:19:58,587 538 00:19:58,589 --> 00:20:02,258 I'm open to something new new new new 539 00:20:02,260 --> 00:20:05,494 and tonight we're getting 540 00:20:08,099 --> 00:20:09,632 I'm so glad we're friends, mama. 541 00:20:09,634 --> 00:20:12,368 Me too. [Chuckles] 542 00:20:12,370 --> 00:20:14,837 Here you go. 543 00:20:14,838 --> 00:20:17,305 Oh, you, sir, are made of rainbows. 544 00:20:17,308 --> 00:20:18,741 You bring great joy to many. 545 00:20:18,743 --> 00:20:21,277 Yes, I do. 546 00:20:21,279 --> 00:20:23,379 [Laughs] 547 00:20:25,283 --> 00:20:26,849 What's the story with you and Ralf? 548 00:20:26,851 --> 00:20:29,085 You two seem awfully friendly. 549 00:20:29,087 --> 00:20:32,088 - Don't judge. - No judge. 550 00:20:32,090 --> 00:20:35,624 - He gets off on paying me now. - Child support? 551 00:20:35,626 --> 00:20:39,628 No, he has to pay that and alimony. 552 00:20:39,630 --> 00:20:42,498 - This is for services rendered. - What? 553 00:20:42,500 --> 00:20:44,500 - I know. - Really? No. 554 00:20:44,502 --> 00:20:46,469 I get these calls sometimes in the middle of the day. 555 00:20:46,471 --> 00:20:47,670 He's just dying for it. 556 00:20:47,672 --> 00:20:50,773 So I just... I raise the price up and up and up, 557 00:20:50,775 --> 00:20:53,109 and he just goes up and up and up. 558 00:20:53,111 --> 00:20:54,643 Like a new pair of Louboutins or... 559 00:20:54,645 --> 00:20:57,346 like a Tesla. 560 00:20:57,348 --> 00:20:59,115 - What? - And now that... 561 00:20:59,117 --> 00:21:00,449 Oh, my God. 562 00:21:00,451 --> 00:21:02,685 Now that it's illicit again, he's obsessed. 563 00:21:02,687 --> 00:21:05,354 Oh, my God. I called you a whore. 564 00:21:05,356 --> 00:21:06,355 Please, mama, I was a model. 565 00:21:06,357 --> 00:21:09,625 I am a whore. 566 00:21:09,627 --> 00:21:11,293 No, I got a nice settlement from Ralf, 567 00:21:11,295 --> 00:21:13,195 but it's always good to put money away. 568 00:21:13,197 --> 00:21:14,363 Yeah. 569 00:21:14,364 --> 00:21:15,530 Thinking about starting a business. 570 00:21:15,533 --> 00:21:16,765 - Really? - Yeah. 571 00:21:16,767 --> 00:21:18,767 You and Lyla are, like, these independent, 572 00:21:18,769 --> 00:21:21,170 lean-in women. I want that too. 573 00:21:21,172 --> 00:21:23,272 - What kind of business? - I don't know. 574 00:21:23,274 --> 00:21:25,274 I'm meditating on it. 575 00:21:25,276 --> 00:21:28,844 Definitely something that helps people. 576 00:21:28,846 --> 00:21:30,246 But I didn't come to talk about me. 577 00:21:30,248 --> 00:21:33,649 I came to talk about you. What's up? 578 00:21:33,651 --> 00:21:36,886 I've seen at least five hot guys try to get in your pants, no go? 579 00:21:36,888 --> 00:21:39,555 It's just... it's too strange. 580 00:21:39,557 --> 00:21:43,392 Why? Jake didn't waste any time getting out there. 581 00:21:43,394 --> 00:21:45,494 You need to be touched, Abby. 582 00:21:45,496 --> 00:21:47,897 I know I do. 583 00:21:47,899 --> 00:21:50,166 You don't do something soon, 584 00:21:50,168 --> 00:21:52,635 I'm gonna have to take matters into my own hands. 585 00:21:52,637 --> 00:21:53,903 [Laughs] Okay. 586 00:21:53,905 --> 00:21:55,638 What? 587 00:22:02,780 --> 00:22:04,547 It'll do you good, mama. 588 00:22:04,549 --> 00:22:07,183 That's what friends are for. 589 00:22:14,559 --> 00:22:16,959 [Indistinct chatter] 590 00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:36,247 Hey. 591 00:22:36,248 --> 00:22:37,320 Forgot your phone. 592 00:22:37,449 --> 00:22:40,250 Oh, sorry, thank you. 593 00:22:40,319 --> 00:22:43,820 I thought that I was leaving, and then I ended up... 594 00:22:43,822 --> 00:22:48,091 Oh, no, it happens all the time. 595 00:22:48,093 --> 00:22:49,893 - You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine. 596 00:22:49,895 --> 00:22:51,661 Just... weird night. 597 00:22:51,663 --> 00:22:54,064 - Yeah. - And I got kissed. 598 00:22:54,066 --> 00:22:56,666 Oh, I saw that. Yeah. [Chuckles] 599 00:22:56,668 --> 00:22:57,734 Yeah. 600 00:22:57,736 --> 00:23:00,970 So is that how you roll? 601 00:23:00,972 --> 00:23:04,107 Who knows? I have not rolled in so long. 602 00:23:04,109 --> 00:23:06,676 [Both chuckle] 603 00:23:07,746 --> 00:23:10,747 You are not married. 604 00:23:10,749 --> 00:23:11,702 - [Laughs] - No. 605 00:23:11,750 --> 00:23:14,450 Because when you're married, this invisible wall goes up, 606 00:23:14,453 --> 00:23:20,424 and one side is Legos and stomach flus and farting 607 00:23:20,426 --> 00:23:24,127 and date nights, and then on the other side is bars 608 00:23:24,129 --> 00:23:26,563 and sexting, snorting, 609 00:23:26,565 --> 00:23:28,365 and bisexuals. 610 00:23:28,367 --> 00:23:31,001 But when you're on the farting side, 611 00:23:31,003 --> 00:23:34,071 you really don't believe in the other side. 612 00:23:34,073 --> 00:23:35,405 - Here it is. - Yes. 613 00:23:35,407 --> 00:23:37,274 [Chuckles] 614 00:23:37,276 --> 00:23:38,642 You people have been here all along. 615 00:23:38,644 --> 00:23:42,179 Yeah. Sad but true. 616 00:23:42,181 --> 00:23:45,515 This is what I do. I talk to the bartender. 617 00:23:45,597 --> 00:23:49,099 Actually, the manager, but, you know, it's all right. 618 00:23:49,101 --> 00:23:52,669 - I'll let it go. - [Laughs] 619 00:23:52,671 --> 00:23:57,207 I like talking to you. 620 00:23:57,209 --> 00:24:02,446 Can I... try something? 621 00:24:02,448 --> 00:24:03,714 Please. 622 00:24:03,716 --> 00:24:06,249 Okay. 623 00:24:06,251 --> 00:24:08,385 [Both chuckle] 624 00:24:29,575 --> 00:24:31,608 That's how I roll. Thank you. 625 00:24:31,610 --> 00:24:34,678 Wait. Whoa, whoa, no, whoa. 626 00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:36,546 Not so fast. 627 00:24:37,750 --> 00:24:41,084 [Gunfire on TV] 628 00:24:41,086 --> 00:24:42,085 [Laughs] 629 00:24:42,087 --> 00:24:44,288 Oh, hey, man. 630 00:24:44,289 --> 00:24:46,490 Abby, this is Mike, my roommate, and, uh, those guys. 631 00:24:46,492 --> 00:24:49,426 - Hi. - Hey. 632 00:24:49,428 --> 00:24:51,361 Aah! 633 00:24:51,363 --> 00:24:54,731 What are you reading? 634 00:24:54,733 --> 00:24:57,667 - Oh, elephant things. - Yeah. 635 00:24:57,669 --> 00:25:00,470 Hey, come here. 636 00:25:00,472 --> 00:25:03,473 I just need, uh, a minute. 637 00:25:03,475 --> 00:25:06,276 I, um... 638 00:25:06,278 --> 00:25:07,711 It's been a long time, 639 00:25:07,713 --> 00:25:10,080 and you would be my first younger man. 640 00:25:10,082 --> 00:25:13,116 [Chuckles] Um, not that much. 28. 641 00:25:13,118 --> 00:25:15,552 [Laughs] That's funny. 642 00:25:15,554 --> 00:25:16,753 You know, I've never been with a woman 643 00:25:16,755 --> 00:25:18,622 who's had children before, so that's... 644 00:25:18,624 --> 00:25:23,460 Wow. Okay, well, on a scale from one to ten, 645 00:25:23,462 --> 00:25:26,596 one being a virgin and ten being throwing a hot dog 646 00:25:26,598 --> 00:25:31,134 down a hallway, I would say that I am a five. 647 00:25:31,136 --> 00:25:33,737 - That... that is good to know. - [Both laugh] 648 00:25:45,150 --> 00:25:47,150 I'm gonna undress you now. 649 00:25:47,152 --> 00:25:50,220 - It'll make the sex easier. - [Laughs] 650 00:26:00,766 --> 00:26:05,235 - You're a looker, aren't you? - Thank you. 651 00:26:05,237 --> 00:26:07,504 No, I mean, you're an eye looker. 652 00:26:07,506 --> 00:26:12,609 You look at women with your eyes. 653 00:26:12,611 --> 00:26:15,812 As opposed to my elbows? 654 00:26:15,814 --> 00:26:18,582 Wow, you are beautiful. 655 00:26:18,584 --> 00:26:20,383 [Cell phone vibrating] 656 00:26:20,385 --> 00:26:23,453 Sorry. Sorry. 657 00:26:27,226 --> 00:26:29,392 - Sorry. - Yeah, no, of course. 658 00:26:29,394 --> 00:26:33,530 Hey. It's 2:00 in the morning! 659 00:26:33,532 --> 00:26:36,833 I'm sorry you can't sleep. 660 00:26:36,835 --> 00:26:40,504 No, I have not decided about Jade's birthday party. 661 00:26:40,506 --> 00:26:42,239 Tomorrow. 662 00:26:42,241 --> 00:26:43,640 I promise. 663 00:26:43,642 --> 00:26:46,543 Go to sleep. 664 00:26:46,545 --> 00:26:49,412 - I love you. - [Beep] 665 00:26:49,414 --> 00:26:51,648 Teenage drama. 666 00:26:51,650 --> 00:26:53,383 I think I should just go home. 667 00:26:53,385 --> 00:26:54,818 No, no, no, no, no. 668 00:26:54,820 --> 00:26:57,354 No way. No. 669 00:26:57,356 --> 00:27:01,558 I am gonna give you the younger man experience. 670 00:27:14,473 --> 00:27:16,540 Shivers. 671 00:27:16,542 --> 00:27:20,544 I think I'm a little natural for you guys down there. 672 00:27:20,546 --> 00:27:23,513 No. No, no, no, that's cool. I like that. 673 00:27:23,515 --> 00:27:24,514 You do? 674 00:27:24,516 --> 00:27:25,949 - Mm-hmm. - I'm really hairy. 675 00:27:25,951 --> 00:27:28,818 [Chuckles] 676 00:27:28,820 --> 00:27:32,222 [Lianne La Havas' "Is Your Love Big Enough?"] 677 00:27:32,224 --> 00:27:34,958 [Upbeat music] 678 00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:40,764 Oh, is your love 679 00:27:40,766 --> 00:27:43,366 big enough for what's to come? 680 00:27:43,368 --> 00:27:44,467 Baby, let me know 681 00:27:44,469 --> 00:27:48,538 is your love 682 00:27:48,540 --> 00:27:49,806 big enough? 683 00:27:49,808 --> 00:27:51,441 The past is done 684 00:27:51,443 --> 00:27:53,777 baby, let me know 685 00:27:53,779 --> 00:27:54,911 Balls. 686 00:27:54,913 --> 00:27:57,847 - What? - Balls. Touch 'em. 687 00:27:57,849 --> 00:28:01,618 - Touch 'em. - Oh, sorry. 688 00:28:01,620 --> 00:28:05,388 The friends I've found friends I've found 689 00:28:05,390 --> 00:28:08,825 - Jake. Oh, that's... oh, God. - Yep. 690 00:28:08,827 --> 00:28:10,427 - I'm sorry. - Nope. No. It's fine. 691 00:28:10,429 --> 00:28:11,661 - That's horrible. - It's fine. It's okay. 692 00:28:11,663 --> 00:28:13,330 - It's a bad habit. - It's okay. 693 00:28:13,332 --> 00:28:14,564 - It's okay. - I'm so sorry. 694 00:28:14,566 --> 00:28:17,934 Abby, I'm really trying to focus here. 695 00:28:17,936 --> 00:28:21,238 I'm working hard, wouldn't you say? 696 00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:26,843 Oh, is your love 697 00:28:26,845 --> 00:28:28,979 big enough for what's to come? 698 00:28:28,981 --> 00:28:32,249 Baby, let me know 699 00:28:34,031 --> 00:28:36,731 Incredible. 700 00:28:36,733 --> 00:28:38,800 Yeah, it was. 701 00:28:42,572 --> 00:28:44,739 I mean, it's been so long, you could have just put it in 702 00:28:44,741 --> 00:28:46,775 and not moved, and my mind would have blown, 703 00:28:46,777 --> 00:28:48,710 so don't get a big head. 704 00:28:48,712 --> 00:28:50,445 I mean, we did go more than once. 705 00:28:50,447 --> 00:28:52,447 Yeah, but you're, like, two, 706 00:28:52,448 --> 00:28:54,448 so you probably had six orgasms already today. 707 00:28:54,451 --> 00:28:56,818 - Five, but who's counting? - [Laughs] 708 00:28:59,589 --> 00:29:01,489 Hmm. 709 00:29:02,826 --> 00:29:06,494 So, um... 710 00:29:06,496 --> 00:29:09,464 You think you can? You know... 711 00:29:09,466 --> 00:29:12,434 Stay married? 712 00:29:12,436 --> 00:29:17,105 He found these emails between me and someone else. 713 00:29:17,107 --> 00:29:18,707 Did you love him? 714 00:29:18,709 --> 00:29:22,110 It was intense but never physical. 715 00:29:22,112 --> 00:29:26,481 He was just great with words. 716 00:29:26,483 --> 00:29:30,452 Stupid. 717 00:29:30,454 --> 00:29:34,489 Maybe I wanted to get caught. 718 00:29:34,491 --> 00:29:37,125 Anything but go on the way we were. 719 00:29:37,127 --> 00:29:39,461 Oh, I'm sorry. 720 00:29:39,463 --> 00:29:42,530 I don't know how... that must have been hard. 721 00:29:51,808 --> 00:29:55,110 I want to cook for you. 722 00:29:55,112 --> 00:29:59,981 Can you hang out tomorrow? 723 00:29:59,983 --> 00:30:01,549 Come on, you had a lot to drink. 724 00:30:01,551 --> 00:30:02,984 Why don't you stay? 725 00:30:02,986 --> 00:30:04,953 I'm fine. 726 00:30:04,955 --> 00:30:06,454 Well, how do I get a hold of you? 727 00:30:06,456 --> 00:30:08,390 Let's just let it happen. 728 00:30:08,392 --> 00:30:11,126 What? What does that even mean? 729 00:30:11,128 --> 00:30:13,828 - Bye. - Bye. 730 00:30:13,830 --> 00:30:18,633 - Hang on. Here. - Oh, thank you. 731 00:30:18,635 --> 00:30:20,802 - There you go. - Thanks. 732 00:30:20,804 --> 00:30:24,139 Thanks a lot. Really. 733 00:30:24,141 --> 00:30:27,876 [Both chuckle] 734 00:30:27,878 --> 00:30:29,644 [Door opens] 735 00:30:29,646 --> 00:30:31,012 [Door closes] 736 00:30:31,014 --> 00:30:34,749 [Nelly Furtado's "Crazy"] 737 00:30:34,751 --> 00:30:37,051 I remember when 738 00:30:37,053 --> 00:30:41,156 remember when I lost my mind 739 00:30:41,158 --> 00:30:44,592 there was something so pleasant about that phase 740 00:30:44,594 --> 00:30:47,829 even your emotions had an echo 741 00:30:47,831 --> 00:30:50,165 Hey, it's me. 742 00:30:50,167 --> 00:30:51,733 Are you okay? 743 00:30:51,735 --> 00:30:54,702 Yeah. Um, good news. 744 00:30:54,704 --> 00:30:55,870 My vagina is not dead. 745 00:30:55,872 --> 00:30:57,906 It was just in a coma. 746 00:30:57,908 --> 00:31:01,075 Oh, that is good news. 747 00:31:01,077 --> 00:31:05,180 The bad news is that I said Jake's name twice. 748 00:31:05,182 --> 00:31:08,049 It's like 1/3 of my sex vocabulary. 749 00:31:08,051 --> 00:31:10,518 Can't just shake it off, huh, all those years? 750 00:31:10,520 --> 00:31:12,887 Does that make me crazy? 751 00:31:12,889 --> 00:31:15,123 Sweet pea, it's 5:00 A.M. 752 00:31:15,125 --> 00:31:17,959 Does that make me crazy? 753 00:31:17,961 --> 00:31:19,694 Crap. 754 00:31:19,696 --> 00:31:24,599 Does that make me crazy? 755 00:31:24,601 --> 00:31:26,734 Probably 756 00:31:26,736 --> 00:31:31,039 757 00:31:31,041 --> 00:31:33,608 and I hope that you are having 758 00:31:33,610 --> 00:31:36,945 the time of your life 759 00:31:36,947 --> 00:31:38,746 yeah 760 00:31:38,748 --> 00:31:42,750 but think twice 761 00:31:42,752 --> 00:31:45,220 that's my only advice 762 00:31:48,091 --> 00:31:53,928 Um, about the book signing today... 763 00:31:53,930 --> 00:31:55,830 Was it him? 764 00:31:55,832 --> 00:32:00,268 Oh, God. I told you it wasn't like that. 765 00:32:00,270 --> 00:32:02,937 - I can't do this anymore, Abby. - The shrink says... 766 00:32:02,939 --> 00:32:04,105 Oh, my God, screw the shrink! 767 00:32:04,107 --> 00:32:05,206 There's no way this is good for anybody. 768 00:32:05,208 --> 00:32:06,608 Shh! Shh! The kids, the kids. 769 00:32:06,610 --> 00:32:08,576 Sneaking in, having sex with other people? 770 00:32:08,578 --> 00:32:09,728 - Jesus. - You did, right? 771 00:32:09,729 --> 00:32:10,879 You had sex with somebody else. You want to get into this? 772 00:32:10,881 --> 00:32:12,814 - Really? - Yes. 773 00:32:12,816 --> 00:32:14,282 Well, who you gonna bang now that Gossip Girl's 774 00:32:14,284 --> 00:32:17,652 - off the air, Jake? - After we were separated, Abby. 775 00:32:17,654 --> 00:32:18,953 - You're the one who... - I never touched him. 776 00:32:18,955 --> 00:32:20,955 No, no. What you did was worse. 777 00:32:20,957 --> 00:32:24,158 Yeah, you felt for him and confided in somebody. 778 00:32:24,160 --> 00:32:25,293 - Because he listened! - Confided in him. 779 00:32:25,295 --> 00:32:26,795 Oh, Jesus. 780 00:32:26,796 --> 00:32:28,296 He didn't feign interest while he surfed the web! 781 00:32:28,298 --> 00:32:30,832 He didn't take a dump while I was pouring my heart out to him. 782 00:32:30,834 --> 00:32:32,166 - Oh, it happened once. - I begged you. 783 00:32:32,168 --> 00:32:33,902 I asked you, "talk to me," 784 00:32:33,904 --> 00:32:35,136 "make love to me." 785 00:32:35,138 --> 00:32:36,871 I was tired. 786 00:32:36,873 --> 00:32:38,973 For five years? 787 00:32:44,247 --> 00:32:46,614 - You want to make love? - What? 788 00:32:46,616 --> 00:32:48,116 Let's do it. No, I mean, we've talked, 789 00:32:48,118 --> 00:32:49,651 and we've talked, and we've talked. 790 00:32:49,653 --> 00:32:52,287 It's gotten us nowhere. 791 00:32:52,289 --> 00:32:54,188 Let's make love. 792 00:32:54,190 --> 00:32:55,779 Is this, like, a man thing, 793 00:32:55,780 --> 00:32:57,369 like, someone else peed on me and now you need to pee on me? 794 00:32:57,370 --> 00:32:58,959 Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. 795 00:33:11,641 --> 00:33:13,575 - Take off your dress. - No, I can't. 796 00:33:13,577 --> 00:33:14,776 I can't, I can't, I can't. 797 00:33:14,778 --> 00:33:17,178 Jesus Christ. 798 00:33:17,180 --> 00:33:18,947 - I'm sorry. - Is your skin crawling? 799 00:33:18,949 --> 00:33:20,214 - Is that what it's like now? - It's not your fault. 800 00:33:20,216 --> 00:33:21,683 That your skin is crawling? 801 00:33:21,685 --> 00:33:22,717 Let's just make an appointment with the shrink. 802 00:33:22,719 --> 00:33:23,785 We can't talk without a doctor? 803 00:33:23,787 --> 00:33:25,153 - No, I just don't want... - No! 804 00:33:25,155 --> 00:33:26,154 To say anything that we can't take back! 805 00:33:26,156 --> 00:33:27,889 Why not? 806 00:33:27,891 --> 00:33:30,158 Are you fighting for this because it's what you want 807 00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:31,793 or because you just can't admit that you failed? 808 00:33:31,795 --> 00:33:33,828 - That is not fair. - No, you're the answer lady. 809 00:33:33,830 --> 00:33:34,829 You sell answers. 810 00:33:34,831 --> 00:33:36,264 - Great family. - I do not sell. 811 00:33:36,266 --> 00:33:37,632 And who's gonna want your answers? 812 00:33:37,634 --> 00:33:39,834 I write about things I loved. 813 00:33:39,836 --> 00:33:41,035 I loved us. 814 00:33:41,037 --> 00:33:42,971 Screw you and your past tense. 815 00:33:42,973 --> 00:33:44,305 - Oh. - Yeah. 816 00:33:44,307 --> 00:33:45,607 We're done. We're over. 817 00:33:45,609 --> 00:33:46,708 - And then what? - Yeah. 818 00:33:46,710 --> 00:33:48,276 And then what? Two houses? 819 00:33:48,278 --> 00:33:49,711 Kids shuttling back and forth? 820 00:33:49,713 --> 00:33:51,245 Lawyers? I don't want that life. 821 00:33:51,247 --> 00:33:52,780 Well, too bad. You made your bed. 822 00:33:52,782 --> 00:33:54,616 No, no, don't put this on me because I'm right here. 823 00:33:54,618 --> 00:33:56,050 With your skin crawling, Abby! 824 00:33:56,052 --> 00:33:57,785 Well, Jake, and yours not? 825 00:33:57,787 --> 00:33:59,921 You could not have gotten out of here fast enough 826 00:33:59,923 --> 00:34:01,222 once you had an excuse, 827 00:34:01,224 --> 00:34:02,757 and for what? What did you want? 828 00:34:02,759 --> 00:34:03,925 Those stupid jeans? 829 00:34:03,927 --> 00:34:05,660 - That stupid car and all the... - Screw you. 830 00:34:05,662 --> 00:34:07,328 Manscaping? 831 00:34:07,330 --> 00:34:09,230 Or is it just all the new pussy making you crazy? 832 00:34:09,232 --> 00:34:12,300 Oh, it's the old pussy. 833 00:34:14,771 --> 00:34:15,903 - Hey, Abby. - No! 834 00:34:15,905 --> 00:34:17,038 - Come on. - You don't get to say that! 835 00:34:17,040 --> 00:34:18,706 - Yeah. - No! 836 00:34:18,708 --> 00:34:19,941 Abby, please. Abby. 837 00:34:19,943 --> 00:34:21,342 What are you doing? 838 00:34:21,344 --> 00:34:23,411 Mommy! 839 00:34:23,413 --> 00:34:25,647 Go back to your room. 840 00:34:25,649 --> 00:34:27,281 I know you guys are getting a divorce. 841 00:34:27,283 --> 00:34:28,416 We're not getting a divorce. 842 00:34:28,418 --> 00:34:31,052 Abby, yes, we are. 843 00:34:31,054 --> 00:34:34,155 We're not lying to you anymore. 844 00:34:34,157 --> 00:34:36,991 What's a divorce? 845 00:34:39,195 --> 00:34:40,862 Mom, I'm not an idiot. 846 00:34:40,864 --> 00:34:42,730 Dad doesn't even live here anymore. 847 00:34:42,732 --> 00:34:44,732 Lilly. 848 00:34:44,734 --> 00:34:46,434 - Why didn't you say anything? - I don't know, mom. 849 00:34:46,436 --> 00:34:49,971 I thought maybe that'd be your job. 850 00:34:49,973 --> 00:34:54,008 And are you wearing my earrings? 851 00:34:54,010 --> 00:34:56,778 Oh, my God. 852 00:34:56,780 --> 00:34:58,913 Lilly. 853 00:35:00,817 --> 00:35:03,184 - Lilly. - [Door slams] 854 00:35:03,186 --> 00:35:04,919 It's your penis. 855 00:35:04,921 --> 00:35:06,320 It's not a penis, honey. 856 00:35:06,322 --> 00:35:09,424 - Penis, penis, penis. - [Knocking on door] 857 00:35:21,938 --> 00:35:23,938 - Mom? - Yeah, baby. 858 00:35:23,940 --> 00:35:25,973 Next year when I'm a special person, 859 00:35:25,975 --> 00:35:29,944 will you and daddy both come, or will I have to do it twice? 860 00:35:29,946 --> 00:35:31,813 No, just once, 861 00:35:31,815 --> 00:35:33,715 and daddy and I will still do lots of stuff with you. 862 00:35:33,717 --> 00:35:35,450 Okay? Promise. 863 00:35:35,451 --> 00:35:37,184 Okay, bye, mom. I'll see you after school. 864 00:35:37,187 --> 00:35:39,053 - I love you. - I love you too. 865 00:35:39,055 --> 00:35:41,189 Have a good day. 866 00:35:41,191 --> 00:35:44,125 [Indistinct chatter] 867 00:35:47,330 --> 00:35:48,830 [Groans] 868 00:35:48,832 --> 00:35:50,932 [Knocking on window] 869 00:35:50,934 --> 00:35:54,001 Hey. 870 00:35:54,003 --> 00:35:57,338 Come to talk to me, please? 871 00:35:57,340 --> 00:36:02,276 I thought we were keeping it together, but it's over. 872 00:36:02,278 --> 00:36:04,212 Jake said he's calling a lawyer today. 873 00:36:04,214 --> 00:36:05,980 - [Bleep]. - Yeah. 874 00:36:05,982 --> 00:36:07,982 - Abby. - Yeah. 875 00:36:07,984 --> 00:36:09,784 That doesn't mean he really will. 876 00:36:09,786 --> 00:36:11,285 - [Laughs] - You want me to go talk to him? 877 00:36:11,287 --> 00:36:13,387 No. Max, it's done. 878 00:36:13,389 --> 00:36:14,422 He's gone. 879 00:36:14,424 --> 00:36:17,158 He's banging some actress. 880 00:36:17,160 --> 00:36:18,760 Becca Riley from the CW. 881 00:36:18,762 --> 00:36:21,863 He's banging Becca Riley? 882 00:36:21,865 --> 00:36:24,265 Sorry. Sorry. 883 00:36:24,267 --> 00:36:26,668 Oh, my God. 884 00:36:26,669 --> 00:36:29,070 I got my book signing at Barnes & Noble today. 885 00:36:29,072 --> 00:36:31,839 How am I gonna sell? 886 00:36:33,343 --> 00:36:36,511 I'm a liar, awful, pants on fire. 887 00:36:36,513 --> 00:36:39,547 You're only a liar if you give up. 888 00:36:42,485 --> 00:36:47,221 [Bleep] Happens, but you don't leave. 889 00:36:47,223 --> 00:36:48,923 That's what we all signed up for. 890 00:36:48,925 --> 00:36:50,024 That's marriage. 891 00:36:50,026 --> 00:36:54,996 But it's not always that simple. 892 00:36:54,998 --> 00:36:57,265 I guess I don't understand. 893 00:36:57,267 --> 00:37:00,301 It's not like anybody was getting hit 894 00:37:00,303 --> 00:37:03,404 or was an alcoholic or anything. 895 00:37:05,375 --> 00:37:07,175 I'm so sorry I didn't get hit. 896 00:37:07,177 --> 00:37:10,011 I realize that's hard for you. 897 00:37:10,013 --> 00:37:11,410 What? Abby, no, don't. Don't. 898 00:37:12,179 --> 00:37:14,579 Abby, I didn't mean it that way. 899 00:37:14,581 --> 00:37:16,815 I didn't mean it that way! 900 00:37:16,817 --> 00:37:19,184 [Engine starts] 901 00:37:29,363 --> 00:37:31,263 - There you are. - I got your text. 902 00:37:31,265 --> 00:37:32,715 - Are you okay? - Just my makeup 903 00:37:32,716 --> 00:37:34,166 - and having to sell books. - Why are you crying? 904 00:37:34,168 --> 00:37:35,567 Oh, no. Come here. 905 00:37:35,569 --> 00:37:37,169 Kids know. Lilly knew. 906 00:37:37,171 --> 00:37:38,303 Come here. 907 00:37:38,305 --> 00:37:40,238 Jake wants to file, 908 00:37:40,240 --> 00:37:45,177 - and I had sex with some hot guy. - You little dog. 909 00:37:45,179 --> 00:37:46,711 And then I yell out Jake's name. 910 00:37:46,713 --> 00:37:48,280 You know, I closed my eyes, 911 00:37:48,282 --> 00:37:50,282 and it was like the ghost of Jake yelling, 912 00:37:50,284 --> 00:37:52,801 "touch my balls. Touch my balls." 913 00:37:52,802 --> 00:37:55,319 Yeah, but, you know, new balls make us nostalgic, you know. 914 00:37:55,322 --> 00:37:56,855 - You're only human. - And then the kid was like, 915 00:37:56,857 --> 00:37:59,391 - "let's hang, and let's cook." - That's nice. 916 00:37:59,393 --> 00:38:01,193 - That's awful. - Two houses. 917 00:38:01,195 --> 00:38:03,662 - Two of everything. - Don't get ahead of yourself. 918 00:38:03,664 --> 00:38:05,230 - Take it easy. What do you need? - I can't breathe. 919 00:38:05,232 --> 00:38:07,666 - I have ativan, klonopin. - Oh, my God, I can't breathe. 920 00:38:07,668 --> 00:38:08,700 - Dilaudid. - Okay. 921 00:38:08,702 --> 00:38:10,235 - I have Vico-doodles. - You pick. 922 00:38:10,237 --> 00:38:11,870 - Okay. - God. 923 00:38:11,872 --> 00:38:13,572 Good, good, good, good. Do you have water? 924 00:38:13,574 --> 00:38:15,607 - You ready? - Okay. 925 00:38:15,609 --> 00:38:16,842 - Here you go. - You're okay. 926 00:38:16,844 --> 00:38:19,078 And so it's such a treat to have her here. 927 00:38:19,079 --> 00:38:21,313 Please welcome the author of the Girlfriends' Guide 928 00:38:21,315 --> 00:38:23,181 to Getting Your Groove Back: 929 00:38:23,183 --> 00:38:24,649 How to love your husband 930 00:38:24,651 --> 00:38:27,719 and your family without losing your mind, 931 00:38:27,721 --> 00:38:29,321 Abby McCarthy. 932 00:38:29,323 --> 00:38:31,323 [Cheers and applause] 933 00:38:31,325 --> 00:38:34,493 Thank you. 934 00:38:34,495 --> 00:38:38,296 Thank you. [Chuckles] 935 00:38:38,298 --> 00:38:40,549 I just... I want to... 936 00:38:40,550 --> 00:38:42,801 I want to actually really thank my incredible friends. 937 00:38:42,803 --> 00:38:44,469 So gorgeous. 938 00:38:44,471 --> 00:38:47,772 We are very close, and, you know... 939 00:38:47,774 --> 00:38:52,244 Phoebe showed us her boobs. That makes us close. 940 00:38:52,246 --> 00:38:56,414 And, uh, okay, I'm gonna... right. 941 00:38:57,784 --> 00:39:02,454 Um, I think that my book 942 00:39:02,456 --> 00:39:06,258 can help you get your groove on, 943 00:39:06,260 --> 00:39:11,363 and I, uh, believed it all when I wrote it. 944 00:39:15,469 --> 00:39:19,271 But now I think, "what a pile of horseshit." 945 00:39:19,273 --> 00:39:22,874 I mean, it should be called Not in Love Anymore? 946 00:39:22,876 --> 00:39:24,409 You Can Stay Married. 947 00:39:24,411 --> 00:39:26,211 What did you give her? 948 00:39:26,213 --> 00:39:27,345 Don't blame the pills. 949 00:39:27,347 --> 00:39:28,413 But screw that. 950 00:39:28,415 --> 00:39:30,582 You deserve more than that. 951 00:39:30,584 --> 00:39:33,218 I mean, women can be funny. 952 00:39:33,220 --> 00:39:37,656 We can be so there and so present, 953 00:39:37,658 --> 00:39:41,693 but if our hearts shut down, 954 00:39:41,695 --> 00:39:45,363 you can open them again with a blowtorch, 955 00:39:45,365 --> 00:39:50,902 and this book, I mean, 956 00:39:50,904 --> 00:39:52,904 I still think there's some good advice in there 957 00:39:52,906 --> 00:39:57,709 if you actually feel something, honestly, 958 00:39:57,711 --> 00:39:59,978 and I wasn't trying to sell you a lie. 959 00:39:59,980 --> 00:40:04,516 I was... 960 00:40:04,518 --> 00:40:07,452 I mean, there were times when I would watch my husband sleeping, 961 00:40:07,454 --> 00:40:10,222 and I would just think, 962 00:40:10,224 --> 00:40:12,958 "if you would just die, it'd be so much easier." 963 00:40:12,960 --> 00:40:15,660 [Crowd murmuring] 964 00:40:15,662 --> 00:40:17,596 [Chuckles] 965 00:40:25,572 --> 00:40:27,706 Does anyone want their book signed? 966 00:40:27,708 --> 00:40:29,808 Seriously? 967 00:40:32,646 --> 00:40:34,746 Okay. 968 00:40:48,362 --> 00:40:51,363 [Laura Mvula's "Green Garden"] 969 00:40:51,365 --> 00:40:58,003 970 00:40:58,005 --> 00:41:00,038 take me outside 971 00:41:00,040 --> 00:41:02,474 sit in the green garden 972 00:41:02,476 --> 00:41:04,609 nobody out there 973 00:41:04,611 --> 00:41:07,012 but it's okay now 974 00:41:07,014 --> 00:41:08,747 bathe in the sunlight 975 00:41:08,749 --> 00:41:11,583 Well, she's screwed. 976 00:41:11,585 --> 00:41:13,718 Take me outside 977 00:41:13,720 --> 00:41:15,587 sit in the green garden 978 00:41:15,589 --> 00:41:18,992 [vocalizing] 979 00:41:19,000 --> 00:41:21,706 - synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com - 980 00:41:21,756 --> 00:41:26,306 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 69146

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