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1
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CAR ENGINE WHINES
2
00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:38,720
Just doesn't sound right.
3
00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:40,080
It never sounds right.
4
00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:41,360
Should it be that hot?
5
00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:43,960
Let's see. Ow!
6
00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:45,240
You dick!
7
00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:47,960
Seriously, why is it so hot?
Because it's a hot car.
8
00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:49,480
And by hot, I do mean shit.
9
00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:52,200
Maybe should I take it in.
To get crushed? Good idea.
10
00:00:52,240 --> 00:00:54,400
Well, come in, come in.
11
00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:56,040
Lovely to see you too.
12
00:00:56,080 --> 00:00:58,240
Why are you so late? Late?
We're early.
13
00:00:58,280 --> 00:01:00,040
We never come at this time.
14
00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:03,400
I told you to come at 6.30.
Why didn't you come at 6.30?
15
00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:06,000
It is 6.30. Well, why didn't
you come before 6.30?
16
00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:07,280
You knew I needed help.
17
00:01:07,320 --> 00:01:09,720
Sorry, we can call the hospital
now if you like.
18
00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:12,880
"Hello, euthanasia department".
Where does this thing go?
19
00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:15,520
Hi, Dad. I told you, on the table.
20
00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:18,120
What? The table.
21
00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:21,080
Not that table, you idiot,
the table! Which table?
22
00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:23,440
The table! Christ!
23
00:01:23,480 --> 00:01:26,360
It's going to be a lovely party,
very chilled.
24
00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:28,400
Why I agreed to organise the bloody
thing...
25
00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:31,360
Yes, why did you agree to
organise your own surprise party?
26
00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:32,720
We've been through this, OK?
27
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:34,480
Well, it's such a normal thing
to do,
28
00:01:34,520 --> 00:01:36,800
organising your own surprise party.
Isn't it?
29
00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:37,880
Er, shut up?
30
00:01:37,920 --> 00:01:39,960
A moth just landed on my nose.
31
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:43,600
You think I trust your father
to organise a surprise party for me?
32
00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:45,760
How about a surprise funeral?
33
00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:49,440
Look, I know you think I'm mad that
I've always wanted a surprise party.
34
00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:51,680
Mm-hmm.
But I'm having a surprise party.
35
00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:53,360
Correction - you're having a party.
36
00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:55,960
Because there's zero surprise.
Very good.
37
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:59,600
She only wanted a surprise party
because Val had one. Rubbish!
38
00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:02,360
Yeah, Auntie Val's stupid party.
Not true.
39
00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:03,440
Can you get up, please?
40
00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:06,200
It is true, you didn't stop going on
about Val's party
41
00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:07,320
on that barge.
42
00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:11,360
Barge? Martin, it was a yacht.
Larry hired a yacht. Off!
43
00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:13,960
And what happened
after Larry hired a yacht?
44
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,640
Lots of things happened.
Including a divorce, perhaps?
45
00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:19,760
And Auntie Val losing her mind.
Jonathan!
46
00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:21,280
She did not lose her mind.
47
00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:23,880
Jackie, the woman ate clay.
48
00:02:23,920 --> 00:02:26,240
Look, I don't have time for this,
all right?
49
00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:28,800
They're going to be here in...
oh, God, 40 minutes.
50
00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:32,840
Martin, the guests, the guests!
What about the guests? Jackie?
51
00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:35,760
What about the guests? The list,
can you read it, please?
52
00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:37,880
Again? It's the same
44 bloody people.
53
00:02:37,920 --> 00:02:41,920
Who else do you think's coming,
Pele? Just read it.
54
00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:43,360
Hilary and Philip.
55
00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:45,560
Hilary and Philip?
Sally and Laurence.
56
00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:49,200
Oh! Quiet Sue. Oh, God.
57
00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:52,160
Not Quiet Sue. Stop it!
She has a condition.
58
00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:54,680
Look, Jackie, it's everyone
you asked me to ask, OK?
59
00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:58,720
My mother... What? Horrible
grandma? Your mother's coming?!
60
00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:02,440
Only joking, Jackie, really! Martin!
61
00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:05,440
You think I'd ask my horrible mother
to your party?
62
00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:07,680
I know! When she hates you so much.
63
00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:09,320
Oh, thank you. Smooth.
64
00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:10,840
Oh, please, stop eating those.
65
00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:13,000
Come on, boys.
66
00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:14,280
Thirsty.
67
00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:18,320
Yes, Your Highness.
68
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:22,480
PIPES GROAN, WATER SPLURGES
69
00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:25,480
Oh, yeah, it does that.
70
00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:28,720
Martin, please put a sign on that
bloody tap. There's an airlock.
71
00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:32,040
I know there's an airlock,
whatever that is, just do a sign.
72
00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:35,560
"Whatever that is"? Jackie, an
airlock is a massed build-up of air
73
00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:37,960
that can't physically escape.
Just do a sign.
74
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:39,080
Yes, please do a sign.
75
00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:41,480
Right, you two are taking me out now
for a drink.
76
00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:43,080
To the bar with no atmosphere.
77
00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:45,240
Exactly, and then we come back
for the big surprise.
78
00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:47,720
The big surprise which isn't
even a little surprise.
79
00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:50,520
And Martin, all the guests,
they definitely know the time,
80
00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:51,800
the details, everything?
81
00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:53,920
3am, Buckingham Palace,
bring a dead dog.
82
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:57,880
Perfect. Oh, my scarf.
And be nice to Val, yeah?
83
00:03:57,920 --> 00:04:00,240
She's had a horrid time.
84
00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:01,680
I'll see
if I can find her some clay.
85
00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:03,200
Right.
86
00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:07,240
Oh, Jim! Hello, Jackie,
I'm just about to ring...
87
00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:09,680
is it someone's birthday?
88
00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:12,040
AT SAME TIME: Er, no. It's Jackie's.
89
00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:13,640
Jackie! I had no idea.
90
00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:16,240
Happy birthday, Jackie!
91
00:04:16,280 --> 00:04:19,920
Thanks, Jim. Did you want something?
We sort of have to... Yes.
92
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:23,760
The reason I'm here is because you
were out when the post lady came.
93
00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:27,800
So she gave me a package
to give to you.
94
00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:31,240
Did she? And when I opened it...
You opened my package?
95
00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:34,840
..it was a book all about
the menopause.
96
00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:37,040
OK!
97
00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:38,400
Very interesting.
98
00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:42,440
The diagrams were particularly
helpful.
99
00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:46,720
Thanks, Jim. Come on, boys.
100
00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:51,120
I read it nine times!
101
00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:55,160
Uterus!
102
00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:04,680
Literally the hottest car
in the world.
103
00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:07,320
Why is it so bloody hot?
104
00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:09,280
Ow!!
105
00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:12,760
Stop bloody doing that!
106
00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:15,440
Boys! Seriously.
107
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:19,000
Boys, I was right to do a finger
buffet for the party, wasn't I?
108
00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:21,120
Oh, my God. The entire journey,
109
00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:23,200
talking about a frigging
finger buffet.
110
00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:24,240
MOBILE CHIMES
111
00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:26,400
Oh. Dad.
112
00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:28,680
Well? Has he blown the house up yet?
113
00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:30,840
He says he can't find
the mini forks.
114
00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:33,880
Oh, my God. He can't find the mini
forks, he can't find the mini forks!
115
00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:35,320
All right, calm down.
116
00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:36,640
Calm down? You tell me
117
00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:40,080
how my friends are going to eat
corn on the cobs without mini forks.
118
00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:42,640
Er, maybe with normal-sized forks?
119
00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:46,680
Oh!
120
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:51,240
No atmosphere. No atmosphere. Shh.
121
00:05:51,280 --> 00:05:53,040
It's like a morgue in here.
122
00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:56,040
It's not like a morgue in here.
It's lovely.
123
00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:58,320
MAN COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS LOUDLY
124
00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:02,360
Actually, it is like a morgue
in here.
125
00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:05,480
Did you have to bring that grotty
thing in here?
126
00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:07,280
Jim's bedtime reading.
127
00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:10,560
Please put it away.
He's coloured bits in!
128
00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:12,680
Hello.
129
00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:14,720
Hi. Can I get you any drinks?
130
00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:16,920
Thanks, yeah. Glass of white wine,
please.
131
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:20,440
And... Beer. Beer. Two lemonades.
Hmm.
132
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:23,480
Oh, yes, I'm nine and he's seven.
Correct.
133
00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:27,520
So, the book. What about the book?
134
00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:29,960
OK.
135
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:31,560
One of my friends,
and I won't say who
136
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:34,720
because she's very touchy
about it... Auntie Val. Obviously.
137
00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:36,880
No. It is Auntie Val, though,
isn't it?
138
00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:39,960
One of my friends... First name Val.
Shut up.
139
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:43,080
..might be going through
the menopause.
140
00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:45,440
Oh, you said the word.
141
00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:47,960
Well, it's hard being a woman,
you know,
142
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:50,520
and going through all those changes.
143
00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:52,400
We don't need to talk about it
any more.
144
00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:54,640
Suddenly, sex isn't as exciting
as it once was...
145
00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:58,680
Please! Whereas something like
a party is, because it's so...
146
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:01,200
Don't say surprising.
147
00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:02,920
Right, I'm going for a wee.
148
00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:05,440
Ow!
149
00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:09,440
Please put that book away.
150
00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:13,160
God, a whole night with 40 of Mum's
non-annoying friends.
151
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:15,040
MOBILE CHIMES
152
00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:16,120
Dad.
153
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:17,960
Has he found the mini forks?
154
00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:22,000
Oh, my God. What? He told them
the wrong day. What?!
155
00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:26,240
Dad told everyone Mum's party
was next Friday.
156
00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:28,720
Shit! He told them
it was next Friday?
157
00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:31,080
Maybe read the next bit.
158
00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:33,160
"I've bloody got to get
her bloody friends
159
00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:34,880
"to the shitting house right now."
160
00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:37,880
He's still going through with it?
He's still going through with it.
161
00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:40,520
"Don't tell your shitting mother.
Stall her."
162
00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:42,760
Stall her?
How are we going to stall her?
163
00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:44,760
How many people is he going to get
now?
164
00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:46,800
I know.
165
00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:48,880
Good idea. We kill ourselves.
166
00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:52,200
I'll go out to your car and slash
your tyres. Slash my tyres?
167
00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:54,480
If we get a flat tyre,
it'll take us ages to fix it
168
00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:56,440
because we're not, like,
proper men, are we?
169
00:07:56,480 --> 00:07:57,720
You're not slashing my tyres.
170
00:07:57,760 --> 00:08:00,040
Adam, what else are we going to do?
171
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:04,080
Jonny? Jonny!
172
00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:08,360
Er, I don't think I need
to slash your tyres. What?
173
00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:16,840
Surprise?
174
00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:30,520
Thanks very much.
175
00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:34,560
We are so late!
176
00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:37,240
My lovely, terrible car.
177
00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:40,160
I'm so sorry, Bobble.
178
00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:43,320
Right, can't keep everyone waiting.
179
00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:45,000
Everyone? No-one.
180
00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:48,160
MOBILE CHIRPS
181
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:50,000
Dad.
182
00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:52,920
"Pretend it's a wonderful party".
183
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:55,240
This is going to be...not good.
184
00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:58,880
Very not good. Come on!
185
00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:00,280
Wait.
186
00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:02,920
SHE WHOOPS
187
00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:06,960
Ready.
188
00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:15,120
ALL: Happy birthday, Jackie!
189
00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:18,080
Happy birthday, Jackie.
190
00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:22,120
Well? I...I can't believe it!
191
00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:26,720
Happy birthday, love. Thanks, Val.
192
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:29,200
Happy surprise birthday, Jackie.
193
00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:31,480
Er, thank you, Jim.
194
00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:34,240
Well, this is...
195
00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:38,280
Martin, did you organise
all this? Course I did.
196
00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:42,760
You invited all these people? Yep.
197
00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:46,600
Hilary and Philip.
Sorry, Philip couldn't come. Sue.
198
00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:47,880
Hi, Jackie.
199
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:50,800
Sorry, Sue.
200
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:54,720
And this is... Sarah. Sarah.
201
00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:58,160
Sarah, who did the curtains.
The curtains?
202
00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:02,040
Oh! Sarah who did the curtains.
203
00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:03,880
Isn't it great, Mum? Yeah.
204
00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:05,280
Come through, love.
205
00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:07,200
Of course, come through.
206
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:10,040
Yes, more people, exciting!
207
00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:12,760
And here's my mother!
208
00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:16,800
How the bloody hell
am I supposed to eat this?
209
00:10:18,020 --> 00:10:21,420
What is going on?
Yes, what is going on?
210
00:10:21,460 --> 00:10:23,940
Jackie, only the most wonderful
party you've ever...
211
00:10:23,980 --> 00:10:27,460
Martin. Where is everyone?
Where are all my friends?
212
00:10:27,500 --> 00:10:29,900
They're out there enjoying your
wonderful party.
213
00:10:29,940 --> 00:10:33,940
Please stop saying that!
Martin, we invited...
214
00:10:35,340 --> 00:10:38,060
You invited 44 people.
215
00:10:38,100 --> 00:10:41,300
There's six people out there,
including a woman I don't even know.
216
00:10:41,340 --> 00:10:43,860
What are you talking about?
That's Sarah who did the curtains.
217
00:10:43,900 --> 00:10:45,540
You remember Sarah
who did the curtains.
218
00:10:45,620 --> 00:10:47,900
Sarah who did the curtains did
the curtains five years ago.
219
00:10:48,060 --> 00:10:52,060
Yes. And didn't she do
a wonderful job? Oh, my God.
220
00:10:52,140 --> 00:10:56,140
This food tastes like horse manure.
221
00:10:59,180 --> 00:11:01,340
Why is your horrible, horrible
mother here?
222
00:11:01,380 --> 00:11:03,620
I thought it would be nice.
You know, family.
223
00:11:03,660 --> 00:11:06,300
Just to say, it really is
a brilliant party.
224
00:11:06,340 --> 00:11:09,300
Yeah. People are having so much fun.
Are you joking?
225
00:11:09,340 --> 00:11:11,860
I was just chatting to Quiet Sue
and she saying, you know...
226
00:11:11,900 --> 00:11:14,740
I couldn't make out what she was
saying. She was definitely smiling.
227
00:11:14,780 --> 00:11:18,380
I saw her smile. See? They're
probably just running a bit late,
228
00:11:18,420 --> 00:11:19,620
you know what people are like.
229
00:11:19,660 --> 00:11:21,660
They're not people, Martin,
they're my friends.
230
00:11:21,700 --> 00:11:24,620
If friends care that much about me
on my birthday...
231
00:11:24,660 --> 00:11:26,220
You're not going to call them,
are you?
232
00:11:26,260 --> 00:11:29,460
No, I'm going to delete them
from my phone. Good. What?
233
00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:31,660
Sorry, Jackie, just came to give you
234
00:11:31,700 --> 00:11:35,540
your special SURPRISE
birthday present.
235
00:11:35,580 --> 00:11:39,580
Thanks, Jim, but... Jackie.
236
00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:43,740
Oh, erm...
237
00:11:43,780 --> 00:11:47,260
A nightie. It was my mother's.
She lived in it.
238
00:11:47,300 --> 00:11:50,620
Right. And died in it. Great.
239
00:11:50,660 --> 00:11:52,260
Well, um...
240
00:11:52,300 --> 00:11:55,500
Lovely, Jim. Thank you.
241
00:11:55,540 --> 00:11:57,300
Come on, Wilson.
242
00:11:57,340 --> 00:12:01,100
HE MUTTERS
243
00:12:01,140 --> 00:12:05,140
Wilson's outside.
244
00:12:09,420 --> 00:12:13,420
Wonderful party, Jackie.
JACKIE SOBS
245
00:12:13,940 --> 00:12:17,900
You better tell her what happened
or I swear I will...
246
00:12:17,940 --> 00:12:20,140
Grrr.
247
00:12:20,180 --> 00:12:23,060
Jackie! Jackie!
248
00:12:23,100 --> 00:12:24,820
She means your balls.
249
00:12:24,860 --> 00:12:27,340
Sarah who did the curtains?
250
00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:29,580
Everyone else was busy tonight,
weren't they?
251
00:12:29,620 --> 00:12:32,380
Yes. Because you told them the wrong
date. Because you're a moron.
252
00:12:32,420 --> 00:12:33,940
You have to tell Mum what happened.
253
00:12:33,980 --> 00:12:36,220
Tell Mum and have my head
shoved up my bottom hole?
254
00:12:36,260 --> 00:12:38,700
But Dad... No.
255
00:12:38,740 --> 00:12:42,180
I know! Neighbours. Shh!
Yes, neighbours.
256
00:12:42,220 --> 00:12:44,540
We know about four neighbours,
and they all hate us.
257
00:12:44,580 --> 00:12:48,580
Just find some bloody neighbours for
your mother's bloody party. Dad!
258
00:12:49,780 --> 00:12:51,940
Dad! Dad!
259
00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:55,980
Great. Good boy. There we are.
260
00:12:57,260 --> 00:13:01,260
Wilson's just having his cola.
261
00:13:04,540 --> 00:13:05,780
This is normal.
262
00:13:05,820 --> 00:13:09,820
Begging complete strangers to
come to your own mother's party.
263
00:13:12,020 --> 00:13:16,020
DOORBELL RINGS
Last one. Last victim.
264
00:13:16,420 --> 00:13:17,980
Good evening.
265
00:13:18,020 --> 00:13:20,140
Our parents live just down the road
266
00:13:20,180 --> 00:13:22,460
and our mum is having a party
tonight.
267
00:13:22,500 --> 00:13:24,980
Chicken?
268
00:13:25,020 --> 00:13:29,020
I'm sorry. What? The food.
Is there going to be chicken there?
269
00:13:29,260 --> 00:13:33,220
Erm, yes. Yes, there's chicken.
270
00:13:33,260 --> 00:13:37,260
All right, then.
271
00:13:37,420 --> 00:13:39,180
Where's the house?
272
00:13:39,220 --> 00:13:43,220
Over there. Right.
273
00:13:43,980 --> 00:13:47,980
Come on then.
He really wants his chicken.
274
00:13:49,660 --> 00:13:53,660
Chicken? Yes.
275
00:13:53,940 --> 00:13:57,940
Chicken? Yes, all right.
276
00:14:01,620 --> 00:14:04,300
You've been ages. Thanks for
making us do that.
277
00:14:04,340 --> 00:14:06,980
What? Is that all you've got?
One bloody man?
278
00:14:07,020 --> 00:14:11,020
Is this the chicken place? What?
279
00:14:12,860 --> 00:14:15,940
Perfect guest
for the perfect party.
280
00:14:15,980 --> 00:14:17,780
How is the party? Shit.
281
00:14:17,820 --> 00:14:20,100
I've spent most of it
hiding from your mother.
282
00:14:20,140 --> 00:14:22,620
So just a normal evening for you
then. Shut your gob.
283
00:14:22,660 --> 00:14:25,260
You better have something special
to give Mum after all this.
284
00:14:25,300 --> 00:14:27,620
Like a divorce. You talking about
my divorce? What?
285
00:14:27,660 --> 00:14:30,220
Hello, Val.
I've been looking for you, Martin.
286
00:14:30,260 --> 00:14:33,060
Have you? I cannot believe you
haven't spoken to her yet.
287
00:14:33,100 --> 00:14:36,100
Pardon, Valerie? You do know
she's lying on her bed,
288
00:14:36,140 --> 00:14:37,860
sobbing her eyes out.
289
00:14:37,900 --> 00:14:41,540
Oh, she's probably just very tired.
290
00:14:41,580 --> 00:14:44,460
God, OK. And Martin...
291
00:14:44,500 --> 00:14:48,500
Ngh! My balls. Your balls.
292
00:14:49,060 --> 00:14:52,500
I just really need
to rethink my whole life.
293
00:14:52,540 --> 00:14:55,340
All my friends, everything.
294
00:14:55,380 --> 00:14:59,380
It's not that bad, Mum.
Yeah, Mum. It is, boys, it is.
295
00:15:02,940 --> 00:15:06,940
People are loving
their corn on the cobs.
296
00:15:07,020 --> 00:15:10,100
If any of this is your fault,
if you made a mistake,
297
00:15:10,140 --> 00:15:14,140
I won't be angry, really. Thanks.
298
00:15:15,180 --> 00:15:17,060
Did you make a mistake?
299
00:15:17,100 --> 00:15:20,260
No, I... You swear? I swear.
300
00:15:20,300 --> 00:15:24,300
On our sons' lives?
301
00:15:25,540 --> 00:15:27,620
On our sons' lives.
302
00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:30,860
I'm sorry, Martin. I knew
you wouldn't let me down.
303
00:15:30,900 --> 00:15:34,900
There, there, love. Come on,
let's go back down to your party.
304
00:15:35,980 --> 00:15:39,980
Yeah. My party.
305
00:15:40,620 --> 00:15:44,460
You got any more chicken?
306
00:15:44,500 --> 00:15:48,500
That's it, Jackie. That's it.
Martin, it's not my 90th birthday.
307
00:15:48,540 --> 00:15:50,860
Hello again, everyone.
308
00:15:50,900 --> 00:15:54,820
Jackie's back. Hooray for Jackie.
MANY: Hooray.
309
00:15:54,860 --> 00:15:57,100
LACKLUSTRE TOOT
310
00:15:57,140 --> 00:15:59,140
How are you feeling now, love?
311
00:15:59,180 --> 00:16:02,340
Better. Thanks. Sorry, everyone.
312
00:16:02,380 --> 00:16:05,940
Did he tell her? Right, everyone.
313
00:16:05,980 --> 00:16:08,220
Martin has something
very important to say.
314
00:16:08,260 --> 00:16:10,900
What? Has he? Go on, Martin.
Say it.
315
00:16:10,940 --> 00:16:14,060
Go on, Dad. Go on.
316
00:16:14,100 --> 00:16:17,140
Martin?
317
00:16:17,180 --> 00:16:20,540
Yes, well.
318
00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:24,580
I just want to say,
if you didn't know already...
319
00:16:26,340 --> 00:16:28,900
..an airlock is basically a mass
build up of air
320
00:16:28,940 --> 00:16:30,700
that can't physically escape.
321
00:16:30,740 --> 00:16:33,940
Martin told everyone the party
was next week. Not tonight.
322
00:16:33,980 --> 00:16:36,460
That's why there's no-one here.
323
00:16:36,500 --> 00:16:39,860
What? Uh-oh. You got the date wrong.
Yes.
324
00:16:39,900 --> 00:16:42,060
That's why all these weirdos
are here -
325
00:16:42,100 --> 00:16:44,060
Lisa who did the bloody curtains.
326
00:16:44,100 --> 00:16:46,500
It's Sarah. Martin, is this true?
327
00:16:46,540 --> 00:16:49,180
I'm sorry, Jackie.
328
00:16:49,220 --> 00:16:51,020
You mean you lied to me?
329
00:16:51,060 --> 00:16:55,060
Pardon? Martin. You bloody lied
to me. All right. Yes.
330
00:16:55,780 --> 00:16:57,460
I lied to you, I lied to you.
331
00:16:57,500 --> 00:16:59,700
But it's not my fault.
Not your fault?
332
00:16:59,740 --> 00:17:03,060
There was so much to bloody
remember, wasn't there?
333
00:17:03,100 --> 00:17:04,522
Telling everyone about your party
334
00:17:04,602 --> 00:17:07,100
but not telling everyone you
already knew about your party.
335
00:17:08,060 --> 00:17:10,660
I'm sorry? I shouldn't have said
that bit.
336
00:17:10,700 --> 00:17:12,860
You already knew about your party?
337
00:17:12,900 --> 00:17:14,380
What?
338
00:17:14,420 --> 00:17:17,260
You mean we rushed here tonight
like bloody lunatics
339
00:17:17,300 --> 00:17:18,580
to give you a surprise,
340
00:17:18,620 --> 00:17:22,100
and all along you knew everything?
Everything?
341
00:17:22,140 --> 00:17:24,100
SUE WHISPERS
342
00:17:24,140 --> 00:17:26,140
You really need to
speak louder, Sue.
343
00:17:26,180 --> 00:17:28,580
How can you do this
to your friends?
344
00:17:28,620 --> 00:17:31,580
Because she's a pig, Valerie.
Thank you.
345
00:17:31,620 --> 00:17:35,540
How can you do this to me when you know
how I feel about surprise parties?
346
00:17:35,580 --> 00:17:38,860
Val... After everything that
happened at my surprise party
347
00:17:38,900 --> 00:17:42,900
on that fucking yacht!
348
00:17:43,020 --> 00:17:46,660
Val... Val. Valerie!
349
00:17:46,700 --> 00:17:47,940
I think it's best if I go.
350
00:17:47,980 --> 00:17:51,980
Val. You know I didn't mean
to upset you.
351
00:17:53,500 --> 00:17:57,500
The menopause? So now
everyone knows, do they? Erm...
352
00:18:05,300 --> 00:18:09,300
These crunchy bananas are delicious.
353
00:18:14,420 --> 00:18:16,900
So embarrassing. So embarrassing.
354
00:18:16,940 --> 00:18:19,860
Come on now, Jackie,
it was not embarrassing.
355
00:18:19,900 --> 00:18:21,780
BOTH: It was embarrassing.
356
00:18:21,820 --> 00:18:25,020
OK, I'm sorry. How many bleeding
times do I have to say I'm sorry?
357
00:18:25,060 --> 00:18:26,980
100 million.
358
00:18:27,020 --> 00:18:29,620
Look, the main thing is we're
here now in a lovely restaurant
359
00:18:29,660 --> 00:18:32,380
and soon we'll have our lovely food
and our lovely duck.
360
00:18:32,420 --> 00:18:35,540
I didn't want lovely duck.
I wanted a lovely surprise party.
361
00:18:35,580 --> 00:18:39,580
And you had a lovely surprise party.
Er...Val walking out like that?
362
00:18:40,140 --> 00:18:43,900
Then all the others? Not all the
others. My mother didn't leave.
363
00:18:43,940 --> 00:18:46,340
Yes, I know, she's still in
our bloody house.
364
00:18:46,380 --> 00:18:48,740
What time did we order
the drone strike?
365
00:18:48,780 --> 00:18:52,500
Crispy duck and pancakes. Lovely.
PHONE RINGS
366
00:18:52,540 --> 00:18:56,540
Dad. Your phone. What?
367
00:18:57,940 --> 00:19:01,940
Oh, my bloody mother.
Here, you talk to her. Me?
368
00:19:04,860 --> 00:19:08,460
Hello, Grandma. Have some duck,
Jackie. I don't want duck.
369
00:19:08,500 --> 00:19:11,700
If you could maybe be a bit ruder.
Just hang up.
370
00:19:11,740 --> 00:19:13,420
Really? Where? What?
371
00:19:13,460 --> 00:19:17,460
The kitchen's flooded. Flooded?
What? Badly? Badly.
372
00:19:17,780 --> 00:19:20,660
Oh, the pissing airlock.
Right, come on.
373
00:19:20,700 --> 00:19:23,500
Now? What about my duck?
Shit on the duck.
374
00:19:23,540 --> 00:19:26,220
The kitchen's full of sodding water.
Can we have the bill, please?
375
00:19:26,260 --> 00:19:30,260
Bloody hell. Oh, hold on.
I know what you're doing.
376
00:19:31,380 --> 00:19:35,380
What? Come on! Taking me out the
house, your stupid mother phoning,
377
00:19:36,380 --> 00:19:38,940
there's a leak in the kitchen.
378
00:19:38,980 --> 00:19:40,700
What are you talking about?
379
00:19:40,740 --> 00:19:44,740
You threw me a terrible surprise
party on purpose, didn't you? Eh?
380
00:19:44,900 --> 00:19:48,500
Now we're going back home
and all my friends will be there
381
00:19:48,540 --> 00:19:51,020
because
that's the real surprise party.
382
00:19:51,060 --> 00:19:53,060
No, Jackie, it really isn't.
383
00:19:53,100 --> 00:19:55,900
Yes, it is. It really isn't.
384
00:19:55,940 --> 00:19:59,100
You made me a surprise party.
You made me a surprise party.
385
00:19:59,140 --> 00:20:01,940
Jackie. I haven't made you
a surprise party.
386
00:20:01,980 --> 00:20:05,980
Tickle-wickle! Jackie. Thanks.
Tickle-wickle! Jackie.
387
00:20:07,660 --> 00:20:11,180
Tickle-wickle! Jackie!
388
00:20:11,220 --> 00:20:15,220
- So exciting! - Jackie, there isn't
a bloody party, there's a bloody flood.
389
00:20:17,620 --> 00:20:20,300
Gah. Please don't cost me
thousands of pounds.
390
00:20:20,340 --> 00:20:22,860
Please don't cost me
thousands of pounds.
391
00:20:22,900 --> 00:20:24,940
So exciting. Tickle-wickle!
392
00:20:24,980 --> 00:20:28,980
Stop bloody doing that. Mum,
there isn't a surprise party.
393
00:20:29,060 --> 00:20:30,980
For Christ's sake!
394
00:20:31,020 --> 00:20:35,020
I just want to say you're all very
clever and I love you all so much.
395
00:20:35,460 --> 00:20:37,580
Very good. Keys.
396
00:20:37,620 --> 00:20:41,620
SQUEALS
Ready.
397
00:20:44,420 --> 00:20:48,420
Quick! Christ.
398
00:20:52,740 --> 00:20:56,660
Oh, God!
399
00:20:56,700 --> 00:21:00,700
Jackie, fetch the shitting bucket!
400
00:21:08,020 --> 00:21:11,940
That was fun. Loads of fun.
401
00:21:11,980 --> 00:21:15,980
I think I've got bloody trench foot.
402
00:21:20,020 --> 00:21:22,860
Jackie. I don't want to talk
about it any more, OK.
403
00:21:22,900 --> 00:21:24,980
Jackie. No.
404
00:21:25,020 --> 00:21:29,020
It's just been the most awful
evening ever. Just awful.
405
00:21:29,100 --> 00:21:32,300
I'm too tired to go home
so I'll be staying here tonight.
406
00:21:32,340 --> 00:21:34,140
JACKIE GROANS
407
00:21:34,180 --> 00:21:37,140
Have you got something for me
to sleep in? A coffin.
408
00:21:37,180 --> 00:21:40,660
I'll go and find you something.
409
00:21:40,700 --> 00:21:44,700
Actually, hold on a moment.
410
00:21:46,300 --> 00:21:50,300
All that horrible food
has given me terrible diarrhoea.
411
00:21:51,540 --> 00:21:55,540
Here we are. What's this?
412
00:21:57,380 --> 00:22:01,380
Ah, a nightie. Thank you,
Jacqueline. My pleasure, Cynthia.
413
00:22:05,100 --> 00:22:08,940
Nice one, Mum. Yeah.
Good old Jackie.
414
00:22:08,980 --> 00:22:11,860
Aw, thanks.
415
00:22:11,900 --> 00:22:14,020
I'm sorry I ruined your
surprise party.
416
00:22:14,060 --> 00:22:16,340
Which wasn't a surprise party.
Wasn't a surprise party.
417
00:22:16,380 --> 00:22:20,380
Well, who wants a stupid surprise
party anyway? Exactly.
418
00:22:20,740 --> 00:22:23,140
Go on, why don't you run yourself
a nice hot bath.
419
00:22:23,180 --> 00:22:27,060
I'll bring you up a cuppa, yeah?
Martin, that sounds really lovely.
420
00:22:27,100 --> 00:22:31,100
Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.
421
00:22:31,300 --> 00:22:34,260
But be careful - all your friends
are hiding in the bathroom.
422
00:22:34,300 --> 00:22:38,300
Surprise! Piss off!
423
00:22:44,300 --> 00:22:46,300
Beautiful chicken.
424
00:22:46,340 --> 00:22:48,420
# I change shapes just to hide
in this place
425
00:22:48,460 --> 00:22:52,460
# But I'm still, I'm still an animal
426
00:22:53,780 --> 00:22:56,700
# Nobody knows it but me when I slip
427
00:22:56,740 --> 00:23:00,740
# Yeah, I slip I'm still an animal
428
00:23:00,940 --> 00:23:04,260
# I change shapes just to hide
in this place
429
00:23:04,300 --> 00:23:07,700
? But I'm still,
I'm still an animal. ?
430
00:23:07,750 --> 00:23:12,300
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