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1
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"We're in the back garden."
2
00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:41,280
They're in the back garden?
3
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MOBILE TONE
4
00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:43,960
Mum.
5
00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:45,320
We're here! What do you...?
6
00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:46,880
Yes, we know you're
in the back garden
7
00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:49,240
because there's a sign saying
you're in the back garden.
8
00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:52,160
Why are they in the back garden?
Oh, you're joking!
9
00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:55,400
Really? Ugh!
What?
10
00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:58,800
You know that stupid thing
they bought? What stupid th...?
11
00:00:58,840 --> 00:01:01,240
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
12
00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:02,720
Ugh.
13
00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:06,760
There they are! Hi, boys!
Hi, bambinos, ha-ha!
14
00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:10,040
Oh, my God...
You really are in a hot tub.
15
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I know! Isn't it great?
16
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It's not great.
Please get out.
17
00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:17,560
Get out? Are you mad? Yeah, it's
gorgeous in here. It's gorgeous.
18
00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:19,120
THEY GIGGLE
19
00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:21,720
Are you making a rap video
or something? What?
20
00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:23,200
Well, come on, get in, then.
21
00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:25,000
Get in? Ugh, gross!
22
00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:26,520
What do you mean, "Ugh, gross!"
23
00:01:26,560 --> 00:01:28,600
Your bottoms have been
in that water. Yeah. So?
24
00:01:28,640 --> 00:01:31,080
Your bottoms have been in that air.
25
00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:32,640
Not quite the same thing.
26
00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:36,240
What's wrong with our bottoms? Yeah,
your mother's got a lovely bum.
27
00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:37,920
THEY GIGGLE
28
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:39,600
Live sex show.
29
00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:43,640
Aren't you making dinner? What?
Oh, no, we're getting a takeaway.
30
00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:46,000
Which you'll be eating
while lying in your own filth?
31
00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:49,680
There's no filth, you berk.
I added toilet cleaner, didn't I?
32
00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:51,480
BOTH: Toilet cleaner!
33
00:01:51,520 --> 00:01:55,200
Toilet cleaner! Well, just a little.
You know, genital germs, et cetera.
34
00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:57,880
Right, I'm getting out now.
Martin! Thank you.
35
00:01:57,920 --> 00:02:00,000
Hello, all!
Oh, Jim!
36
00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:03,520
Oh, Jackie.
What are you doing here?
37
00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:07,560
Why have you got
a great big bubbly bath outside?
38
00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:12,160
It's a hot tub.
Hot tub? Hot toilet. Thank you.
39
00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:16,200
And do Jewish people
not take baths indoors?
40
00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:20,440
Er, not on Friday nights.
Ah, of course. Shalom.
41
00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:23,160
BOTH: Shalom.
42
00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:26,920
What do you want, Jim? My sister's
coming to visit me later. Sister?
43
00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:28,320
I didn't know you had a sister.
44
00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:31,560
Oh, yes, Jackie.
But she's rather scared of dogs,
45
00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:33,560
so I wondered if you'd...
46
00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:35,520
Please don't say,
"Look after Wilson for me?"
47
00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:38,480
..look after Wilson for me?
Fantastic!
48
00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:42,520
Um. Yeah, thanks, Jim, um, but we've
never had a dog before...and...er...
49
00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:46,600
Yeah, we wouldn't really know
what to do with him, so...
50
00:02:46,640 --> 00:02:50,640
It's OK, Jackie.
Here are the instructions.
51
00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:57,080
"Do not look Wilson in the eye
for more than three seconds."
52
00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:03,440
Well, we survived that.
53
00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:06,240
It was supposed to be
a relaxing night in,
54
00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:09,320
and then that bloody thing turns up.
Oh, don't be like that, Jackie.
55
00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:11,240
Well, where are we going to put him,
then?
56
00:03:11,280 --> 00:03:15,280
"Wilson doesn't like small spaces."
That rules out the oven, ha!
57
00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:19,040
"Or large spaces."
So, nowhere on Earth?
58
00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:20,600
Surely we can put him somewhere.
59
00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:24,480
Outside.
"Wilson should not be kept outside,
60
00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:26,920
"as he has been known
to frighten oxen."
61
00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:29,200
Right. Shall we just order our food,
62
00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:31,560
and get on with the bloody evening,
yeah? Good idea.
63
00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:35,600
And Martin, put some clothes on,
this isn't a nudist camp. What?
64
00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:38,960
Ow, you bugger!
65
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:40,320
We're getting Chinese.
66
00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:43,640
Oh! Skill McGill!
Skilligan McGilligan!
67
00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:45,640
China Paradise.
Where's that menu?
68
00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:47,760
Oh, not China Paradise.
They don't deliver.
69
00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:49,720
So? You'll just have
to go and collect it.
70
00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:53,280
Collect it? We have to collect
the food? It's not the 1930s.
71
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:56,200
Oh, shut up. Lazy shit-for-nothings.
Thank you.
72
00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:59,520
Can't we just get a delivery?
Yeah, just find somewhere online.
73
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:02,440
Online? I'm not eating
bloody internet food! Pardon?
74
00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:04,800
Internet food?
Oh, not this again.
75
00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:07,720
Dad, they don't actually make
the food inside the internet.
76
00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:09,480
Internet bloody food.
77
00:04:09,520 --> 00:04:11,680
I've tried explaining it.
It's not worth it.
78
00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:15,000
Oh, and I'll need my card.
My purse is in the kitchen.
79
00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:18,160
Which we have to "collect"?
Correct.
80
00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:21,680
Master Jonathan, would you get
the horse and cart ready?
81
00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:24,400
Certainly, sir.
82
00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:26,760
Pillocking pillocks.
83
00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:28,160
"Internet food."
84
00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:31,280
Yes, there's a tiny little man
inside the computer.
85
00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:33,200
In a tiny little chef's hat.
86
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:34,920
GNAWING
87
00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:36,760
Is someone eating the house?
88
00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:38,040
GNAWING
89
00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:39,840
Wilson!
90
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:42,760
Er, is this something
we should know about?
91
00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:46,000
Sorry, one second.
Have you got it?
92
00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:48,200
Right, here we are.
93
00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:49,920
What?
GNAWING
94
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:51,200
Nothing. Nothing.
95
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:52,600
So...
96
00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:54,760
CRASH
Oh!
97
00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:56,280
WILSON WHIMPERS
Oh!
98
00:04:56,320 --> 00:05:00,320
Could I also have the sizzling beef?
99
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,520
Collecting our food
from the 1930s.
100
00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:10,480
HE SNIGGERS
101
00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:13,280
So, we're basically
just looking after a wolf.
102
00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:14,880
Evening. Can I help you?
103
00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:18,920
Yeah. We ordered a takeaway.
Goodman. Ah, yes. Two minutes.
104
00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:23,960
God. So now we just stand and wait
for two minutes. I know. It's crazy.
105
00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:29,400
Phone?
Phone.
106
00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:34,000
Jim! What's he doing here?
107
00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:35,480
Oh!
Smooth.
108
00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:39,520
The pain!
109
00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:45,080
Nice.
110
00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:51,080
Good one, Jim.
111
00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:55,120
Ow!
112
00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:57,320
Ugh, he's seen us.
113
00:05:57,360 --> 00:06:00,520
Oh, God. Here we go.
114
00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:01,880
All right there, Jim?
115
00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:05,200
Hello, boys,
I didn't see you over there
116
00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:08,320
because my hand was in the way.
117
00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:11,680
Yeah. Aren't you seeing your sister
tonight?
118
00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:15,480
Am I? Oh, yes, I am.
119
00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:17,880
Dressed like that?
120
00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:19,720
She's a very formal lady.
121
00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:21,960
Here we are.
122
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:24,880
Hello.
123
00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:28,920
Hello, my...wonderful sister.
124
00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:31,240
I'm sorry?
125
00:06:31,280 --> 00:06:35,280
SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
126
00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:41,760
Gentlemen, your food's
just over there. Oh, thanks.
127
00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:44,960
Well, um, goodbye, Jim.
128
00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:47,680
Yes, goodbye
129
00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:51,720
That wasn't weird!
That wasn't his sister!
130
00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:57,840
A date? Yup. A date!
Yup. With a real lady.
131
00:06:57,880 --> 00:07:00,360
Bleeding hell. What's she like?
Who cares what she's like.
132
00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:03,120
He's just dumped Wilson on us
so he can get some...
133
00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:04,760
floozy back to his place!
134
00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:06,280
Floozy?
1930s.
135
00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:08,080
"My sister's scared of dogs."
136
00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:10,840
Right! What are you doing?
I'm calling him.
137
00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:13,680
Really? Mum! Oh, come on, Jackie,
he's only having a bit of fun.
138
00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:15,880
Yeah, Mum, he's only having
some fun.
139
00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:19,800
Fun? And what about me and your dad?
What about our fun?
140
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:22,440
The hot tub.
Hot toilet. Shut up.
141
00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:25,600
The bubbly, the...
Nippy-nippy. Shhh! Martin!
142
00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:28,480
Er, what was that?
Yeah, what did he just say?
143
00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:32,520
Good boy, Wilson. No, not "Good boy,
Wilson." What did Dad just say?
144
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:34,280
Nippy-nippy!
145
00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:37,120
Martin! Oh, please don't say
that's your special name for...
146
00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:41,040
Nippy-nippy!
Oh, God, it is! Please kill us now!
147
00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:43,720
Grow up. Everyone has their own name
for it.
148
00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:46,760
Do they? I don't. That's because
you never get any nippy-nippy!
149
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,200
Ha, ha, ha. Yes!
150
00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:51,480
Well, your father and I happen
to call it nippy-nippy.
151
00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:54,360
OK. Happy now? No, not happy now.
152
00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:57,680
Unhappy now.
Yes, very unhappy now. Ugh!
153
00:07:57,720 --> 00:08:00,880
What does it even mean, nippy-nippy?
I don't know,
154
00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:03,960
it's just what we call it.
It's, you know, cute.
155
00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:07,720
Cute? It's depraved. OK, just put
the bloody plates out, will you?
156
00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:10,240
Anyway, Jackie, we can still
have our nippy-nippy later,
157
00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:12,120
we'll just bung the dog
in another room.
158
00:08:12,160 --> 00:08:13,280
Thank you, Martin.
159
00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:15,840
How romantic, bunging the dog
in another room.
160
00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:17,680
Hold on.
GNAWING
161
00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:20,240
Er, I think someone's
eating the house again.
162
00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:22,280
What?
163
00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:24,720
Oh, no, don't say!
164
00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:27,200
Oh, my God!
165
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:28,960
Oh, shit on it! Wilson!
166
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:31,440
Oh, Martin, take him upstairs,
will you?
167
00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:33,880
Pissing hell!
And not in our room.
168
00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:36,480
No, because he mustn't get
in the way of your nippy-nippy.
169
00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:37,640
Ow!
170
00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:38,680
DOORBELL
171
00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:42,520
Dad's condom delivery?
Ow!
172
00:08:42,560 --> 00:08:45,080
Um, hello, again, boys.
173
00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:49,120
Hi, Jim, er, why are you...
Wet? Yeah...
174
00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:53,280
Oh, well, um, after you left
the restaurant that we were in,
175
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:56,400
I sort of set the tablecloth on fire
176
00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:58,560
which sort of set off the um...
177
00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:00,280
Sprinkler system.
178
00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:03,160
SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
179
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:07,200
Yes, which sort of made us, and
all the other people in there, wet.
180
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:09,800
Very, very wet.
181
00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:12,040
GIGGLING
182
00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:14,920
So, we went back to my house
to get dry.
183
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:18,760
But on the way I slipped on a worm.
A worm? Yes.
184
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:22,800
And dropped my keys
all down a sort of drain.
185
00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:26,160
So you're...?
We're locked out.
186
00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:28,440
SHE GIGGLES NERVOUSLY
187
00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:31,000
Mum!
188
00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:33,520
Um, is it all right
if I use your bog, please?
189
00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:34,920
SHE GIGGLES
190
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:38,960
Er, sure, the bog is just here.
191
00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:42,360
GIGGLING
192
00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:45,160
The locksmith man
won't be very long.
193
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:46,480
How's Wilson?
194
00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:48,760
Oh, it's you.
195
00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:50,880
Hello, Jackie, you look nice.
196
00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:54,920
Having dinner with your sister,
were you? Pardon, Jackie?
197
00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:59,640
Hello. Can I...? Um, I can't seem to
find the light switch in your bog.
198
00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:03,280
GIGGLING
199
00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:06,840
Um, here.
200
00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:09,920
Oh, sorry. Jackie, this is Jackie.
201
00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:13,960
GIGGLING
202
00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:20,280
So, Jim. Here's some of
Martin's clothes for you.
203
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,720
Thank you, Martin.
Sodding hell.
204
00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:26,680
And, um, here's some of my things.
I hope they're OK.
205
00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:29,360
I'm sure they'll be just lovely.
Jackie.
206
00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:32,960
GIGGLING
207
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,680
I don't seem to have
any under-garments.
208
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:39,720
Under-garments? Yes, you know,
for my...sensual regions.
209
00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:42,000
Of course, Jim. Here we are.
210
00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:46,040
Here, Jim.
Little shit.
211
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,480
Um, maybe get changed
in the spare room?
212
00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:52,520
Yes, yes. The spare room.
213
00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:58,520
So, we'll...leave you to it, then,
Jackie.
214
00:10:58,560 --> 00:11:00,280
Thank you. Jackie.
215
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:04,080
GIGGLING
216
00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:08,080
Okey dokey.
217
00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:10,440
What a personality!
218
00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:11,560
This way, Jim.
219
00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:13,480
MUFFLED GIGGLING
220
00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:16,360
She's still bloody laughing.
221
00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:19,200
Wa-hey!
222
00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:20,480
Right.
223
00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:22,680
"My sister's scared of dogs."
Is she?
224
00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:25,760
Your sister's scared of dogs,
Jackie?
225
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:27,760
Not my sister, your sister.
226
00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:31,800
My sister... Yes! Well...
227
00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:34,480
Lorraine...
Lorraine?
228
00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:37,360
You don't have a sister, do you,
Jim? I have a sort of sister.
229
00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:40,960
Sort of sister? You know,
the male version of a sister.
230
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,160
You mean, brother?
Yes, brother.
231
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:47,200
I'm sorry, Jackie. When I saw
Jackie on the computer system,
232
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:51,640
it said she really didn't like dogs,
so...
233
00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:54,640
Computer system?
What, you met her online? On a line?
234
00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:57,280
Your dog's eaten
half our bloody house.
235
00:11:57,320 --> 00:12:01,320
Perhaps I should have
a word with him.
236
00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:06,440
Ooh, it's probably best
not to tell the other Jackie
237
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:09,840
that it's my dog
because, well, you know...
238
00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:13,160
Yes, Jim. He won't get
any nippy-nippy. Jonny!
239
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:15,240
Well, go on.
240
00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:16,920
You put him in my room!
241
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:19,040
It's your old room, stupid.
But...
242
00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:20,160
Wilson.
243
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:21,480
DOG WHIMPERS
244
00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:22,960
Oh! Fabulous.
245
00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:24,840
Great. He also eats beds.
246
00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:27,520
Oh, Wilson!
247
00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:28,840
Look at this mess.
248
00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:32,440
Hello.
GIGGLING
249
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,160
Ooh... Is that a dog?
250
00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:36,720
NERVOUS GIGGLING
251
00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:38,400
Yes, yes, it is a dog.
252
00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:42,440
It's not my dog, Jackie,
because I don't have a dog.
253
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:45,320
Do I, Jackie?
Uh, no, Jim.
254
00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:47,760
What's its, um, name?
255
00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:49,520
Oh, Nippy-Nippy.
256
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:51,800
Yes, he's called Nippy-Nippy.
257
00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:53,720
Githeads!
258
00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:55,680
Oh, I could never live with a dog.
Nor me.
259
00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:59,720
In fact, I...I hate
and despise all dogs.
260
00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:02,920
Bad, bad dog! Bad, bad dog!
261
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:05,520
DOG WHIMPERS
262
00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:07,080
You see?
263
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,080
Is your locksmith going to be
much longer, Jim?
264
00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:10,720
Not too long, Martin.
265
00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:13,920
Because it's sort of getting late,
and we haven't eaten yet, so...
266
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:17,960
I know, Jackie.
Um, neither have we.
267
00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:19,500
GIGGLING
268
00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:23,040
My night off,
and I'm bloody cooking again!
269
00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:25,640
How did I become the official
caterer of Jim's bloody date?
270
00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,360
Hands-off! Ooh!
271
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:30,720
And you, jaws off.
Stay, Nippy-Nippy!
272
00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:32,320
Don't. Arseholes.
273
00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:34,480
Hello! Here's the Chinese.
274
00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:38,520
Er, Some duck,
I made some extra noodles...
275
00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:43,000
How are we all getting on, then?
I'm fine, thank you, Jackie!
276
00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:45,160
You're sure you're OK in those
clothes, Jim?
277
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:49,200
STRAINED: I'm very comfortable...
HE CHOKES
278
00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:55,880
HE EXHALES
279
00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:01,560
HE EXHALES
280
00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:04,000
Well, help yourselves!
Thank you, Jackie.
281
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:07,760
I think Jackie
and I will have our meal
282
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:10,520
after we've had our conversation.
283
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:13,400
Your conversation?
Yes! Our conversation.
284
00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:17,440
SHE LAUGHS
285
00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:22,360
Erm...OK, then?
286
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:26,960
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
287
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:31,000
HE COUGHS
288
00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:34,720
Are you OK? Jim? Have some water!
289
00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:38,760
Pepper! Pepper?
290
00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:45,880
Achoo!
291
00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:49,920
Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo!
292
00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:56,360
Achoo!
293
00:14:57,840 --> 00:15:01,840
Coughing stopped! It always works.
294
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:10,200
So, Jackie, do you live nearby?
Oh, yes! Yes.
295
00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:17,760
Jackie? Do you live nearby? Erm...
296
00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:22,240
Not too near. But also...
297
00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:26,240
..not too far.
SHE LAUGHS
298
00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:29,160
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
299
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:33,040
Is it her turn now to
ask a question? That's right, Jim.
300
00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:37,080
Yes, because you're having your
conversation. Yes, our conversation.
301
00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:40,680
Your go?
302
00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:42,880
Oh! One moment, please.
303
00:15:42,920 --> 00:15:45,480
SHE LAUGHS
304
00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:49,240
Off to the bog? Never coming back?
It is going well, isn't it?
305
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:50,280
Very well.
306
00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:52,440
SHE LAUGHS
307
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:56,480
SHE EXHALES
308
00:15:56,960 --> 00:16:00,960
Right.
309
00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:03,600
Have you got any brothers
and sisters?
310
00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:06,160
SHE LAUGHS
311
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:09,000
Yes. I have a brother...
312
00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:12,320
Lorraine.
Where's this pissing locksmith?
313
00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:16,360
He'll be...five minutes, Martin.
Thank you, Jim.
314
00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:20,400
I once went to Switzerland!
Ooh, Switzerland? Yes!
315
00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:23,840
To have a special operation
on my bottom.
316
00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:27,880
Wonderful. Not on my bottom,
it was in my bottom.
317
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:32,200
Have you ever had a special
operation on or in your bottom?
318
00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:38,120
No, but I was once given some
penicillin for my...
319
00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:42,200
..foofoo.
SHE LAUGHS
320
00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:46,240
Sorry, Jim...one second.
321
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:55,400
Achoo! Achoo!
322
00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:58,640
Achoo! Achoo! Achoo!
323
00:16:58,680 --> 00:16:59,760
SHE SIGHS
324
00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:02,040
If you find me facedown in that
hot tub later...
325
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:04,320
Penicillin for her foofoo?
326
00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:08,000
KNOCK ON DOOR
Hello?
327
00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:10,120
Ooh, sorry, everyone.
328
00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:14,160
I just wanted to let you know...
that tonight is probably
329
00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:20,600
the greatest night of my
entire life!
330
00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:24,080
Really, Jim? Oh, yes, Jackie!
331
00:17:24,120 --> 00:17:28,120
I think she might be...the one!
332
00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:37,840
Oh, my God, he thinks she's the one!
333
00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:40,680
What, the one that murders us all?
That's horrible!
334
00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:43,640
Ohh...how exciting!
335
00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:45,680
Come on, five minutes to freedom.
336
00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:48,560
And then, straight in that hot tub.
Hot toilet.
337
00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:50,680
HE LAUGHS
Right!
338
00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:53,120
How are our two love birds?
SHE LAUGHS
339
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:55,760
Mum?
Four minutes 50, and counting.
340
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:59,800
Oh, yes! Regarding the locksmith
man, it wasn't five minutes,
341
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:04,440
it was 95 minutes!
342
00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:06,760
Jim? 95 minutes? That's it.
343
00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:09,920
I'm going to my bloody shed.
Martin!
344
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,560
Wait...
WOOD CRACKS
345
00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:15,160
Oh, good, the beaver's back. What?
346
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:19,200
TABLES CRASHES
347
00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:23,480
Shitting tits!
348
00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:31,200
Ooh, there's a bit...
there's another bit...
349
00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:33,120
Erm...thank you, Jim. Yeah.
350
00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:35,680
You sure you're all right,
sitting there?
351
00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:37,880
We're fine! Aren't we, Jackie?
352
00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:41,920
Oh, yes!
SHE LAUGHS
353
00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:48,360
Unbelievable. They just sat there.
Is strangling still a crime?
354
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:49,800
Shh!
355
00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:53,840
Oh, boys, how are we going to get
rid of them? Set the house on fire?
356
00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:56,560
Not that door!
357
00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:59,800
DOG BARKS
358
00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:02,360
Oh, crap.
359
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:04,680
Nippy-Nippy? Nippy-Nippy!
360
00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:06,600
How are we supposed to find
the bleeding thing
361
00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:08,440
if we can't use its real name?
362
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:12,080
Sorry, real name?
Oh, you little shits.
363
00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:15,680
Nippy-Nippy? Oh, great, now I'll
have that sodding dog in my head
364
00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:19,720
next time I'm astride your mother.
Martin...astride? Jackie!
365
00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:24,120
I was just wondering,
might there be any other name you
366
00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:29,040
sometimes use for Nippy-Nippy?
Like, for example, I don't know...
367
00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:33,040
Wilson?
368
00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:37,080
Erm, actually...Jim, we do sometimes
call him Wilson, yes!
369
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:43,400
It's funny...I just
guessed their dog's other name!
370
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:49,040
Wilson? Wilson!
DOG BARKS
371
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:52,800
Oh, champagne to celebrate!
I mean, no champagne!
372
00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:56,840
Bad dog, bad Nippy-Nippy!
Terrible Nippy-Nippy!
373
00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:58,880
I'm so happy you got your dog back.
374
00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:02,000
SHE LAUGHS
Yeah!
375
00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:06,040
Yes, I, too, am so happy
you got your dog back, also.
376
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:13,760
It's your dog, really,
isn't it, Jim?
377
00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:16,880
SHE LAUGHS
378
00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:19,920
Sorry...Jackie, yes.
379
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:23,960
Nippy-Nip...Wilson is my dog.
380
00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:29,520
I don't mind.
381
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:32,280
HE CHUCKLES
382
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:34,880
Aww!
383
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:38,360
Ohh, isn't this lovely? Yeah.
384
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:42,400
And...sorry, I never even asked you,
Jackie. What is it you do?
385
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:46,320
Oh! Er, well, I was working
as a legal secretary.
386
00:20:46,360 --> 00:20:49,400
SHE LAUGHS
Ooh, someone's a clever clogs.
387
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:52,160
But then I left my job because
I didn't really like the people.
388
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:54,200
Oh, dear, why is that?
389
00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:55,240
They were Jews.
390
00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:58,480
SHE LAUGHS
391
00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:00,360
What I meant was...
That's it, keep talking.
392
00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:02,960
..that not all Jews are bad,
but the ones I've met...
393
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:04,600
And here we are! And...
394
00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:07,680
SHE LAUGHS
395
00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:11,720
And now...piss off.
396
00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:17,880
She was nice...
until she wasn't nice.
397
00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:22,720
Sorry, Jim. It's OK,
Martin, just a shame that she was...
398
00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:25,720
A Nazi? Yes, a Nazi.
399
00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:29,200
Who'd have thought?
An evening with Mrs Goebbels.
400
00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:33,240
Is there anything I can do to make
amends to your poor, poor people?
401
00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:38,960
Shalom...
402
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,000
BOTH: Shalom.
403
00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:44,160
I think the best thing would be
for you to go home now, Jim.
404
00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:47,560
Yes, of course, Jackie. Yeah.
405
00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:51,600
Maybe if I said a few extra shaloms,
you know...in penance?
406
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:58,880
That idea, Jim.
Well, goodnight. Goodnight.
407
00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:03,280
Ooh, how many shaloms should I do,
exactly?
408
00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:06,720
20,000.
409
00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:09,080
Shalom!
410
00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:13,120
Shalom!
411
00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:19,320
I cannot believe you're making us
do this.
412
00:22:19,360 --> 00:22:21,440
Oh, stop moaning, it'd be nice!
413
00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:24,360
What, lying in our parents'
sex water?
414
00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:27,160
Sex water! Adam! Ooh.
HE LAUGHS
415
00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:31,200
Oh! Martin! Oh...God.
THEY LAUGH
416
00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:34,120
Seriously, if there's even a hint
of Nippy-Nippy...
417
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:37,400
Shitting hell!
Hello, all! Oh, my God!
418
00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:41,040
I thought it best to do
my shaloms in here, you know,
419
00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:43,680
in the Jewish bath?
420
00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:45,920
Shalom...
421
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:49,960
Jim? Mmm? Please get out.
Yes, of course, Jackie.
422
00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:51,720
THEY EXCLAIM
423
00:22:51,760 --> 00:22:55,760
Shalom... I'll get the bleach.
424
00:22:55,810 --> 00:23:00,360
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