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1
00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:36,800
- Such a div!
- Shut up!
2
00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:39,880
Well, if you liked the girl so much,
why didn't you talk to her?
3
00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:42,640
I can't just talk to her, can I?
And say what?
4
00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:45,560
"Please play with my penis"?
Yeah. Thanks for the advice(!)
5
00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:47,200
Just tell her the truth, you idiot!
6
00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:49,158
What? "Hello.
I only come to your restaurant
7
00:00:49,358 --> 00:00:50,920
so that I can stare at you"? Yeah!
8
00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:54,280
Waitresses love that.
You know, the silent murderer type.
9
00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:58,200
- Hello, bambinos!
- Dr Bosoms. - Nurse Nipples.
10
00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:01,640
Hot tonight, isn't it? Oh, stifling!
11
00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:03,560
So, do you want the good news
or the bad news?
12
00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:07,600
Uh, good news. Mum's doing lamb.
Yes! Lamb! Skill the gill!
13
00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:10,480
And the bad news? Val's here.
14
00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:13,600
Oh, God! In there with your mum.
Been here all bloody day.
15
00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:16,000
What's she been doing?
Crying, obviously.
16
00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:18,480
Argument with Larry? Obviously.
What's this one about?
17
00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:22,480
Lakes. Lakes?
Who argues about lakes?
18
00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:26,520
That's what I said.
Rivers, maybe, but lakes?
19
00:01:26,880 --> 00:01:30,880
Ooh! What?
20
00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:33,840
Oh, no! Oh, it's not today, is it?
21
00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:35,960
It's today. My annual
oiling of the hinges.
22
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:38,400
You're still doing that?
With that stupid old can.
23
00:01:38,440 --> 00:01:42,360
It's not stupid. And of course I'm
still doing it. It's my tenth year.
24
00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:45,080
Your tenth year? Happy anniversary!
25
00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:47,640
Cretins! Here, watch this.
26
00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:51,680
DOOR SQUEAKS
27
00:01:54,120 --> 00:01:55,520
And now...
28
00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:58,400
NO SQUEAK
29
00:01:58,440 --> 00:01:59,680
Magic!
30
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,000
Tragic!
31
00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:03,920
Oh, hi, boys! Hi, Mum.
32
00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:06,640
Hi. Dad's in an exciting mood
tonight.
33
00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:09,520
Isn't he? Can you put a shirt on
now, please?
34
00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:12,480
What? Ooh! Crumble! Leave!
35
00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:15,320
Jackie, look at this! Another one?
36
00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:18,600
And you married this man?
I think I was drugged.
37
00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:20,400
Ha! Oh, boys,
38
00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:22,645
your poor auntie is
in a worried state in there.
39
00:02:22,845 --> 00:02:24,440
Really? Has she shot herself yet?
40
00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:28,200
It's not funny.
Can you stop eating cream?
41
00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:32,080
She's been having a really hard
time. Larry's walked out on her!
42
00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:35,880
Larry always walks out on her! Maybe
he should try running! Horrible!
43
00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:39,920
Go on, go and talk to her.
What?! Us?! Yes!
44
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,080
Talk to Auntie Val.
It'll cheer her up!
45
00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:45,080
But Mum... You'll find the axe
under the stairs.
46
00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:47,160
Seriously? Please!
47
00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:48,800
For Mummy.
48
00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:52,200
Eugh. God!
49
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:55,960
No!
50
00:02:56,000 --> 00:03:00,000
Sympathy face ready? Ready.
51
00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:04,880
Hi, Auntie Val. Hi, Auntie Val.
52
00:03:04,920 --> 00:03:08,800
Oh, boys. Sorry about you
and Uncle Larry. Yeah.
53
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:12,520
Oh, thank you.
54
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,560
LOUD SOBBING
55
00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:16,680
He's a bastard!
56
00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:18,840
Um...yeah.
57
00:03:18,880 --> 00:03:21,320
And a shit! Uh-huh. Mum!
58
00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:24,280
A bastard and a shit! Mum!
59
00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:28,200
Everything alright? We've spoken to
Auntie Val. Yep.
60
00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:30,440
You just take it easy.
61
00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:32,520
Then we'll all have a nice bit
of lamb.
62
00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:36,560
Hmm? Lamb?
63
00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,320
Poor Val!
64
00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:45,360
Um, Mum, a quick word? What? Ooh!
65
00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:49,680
She's not staying for dinner,
is she? What? Of course she is!
66
00:03:49,720 --> 00:03:51,520
God! Jackie!
67
00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:53,600
What are you doing in here?
68
00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:56,320
NO CREAKING
69
00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:58,520
You'd better not get any of that
on my carpet!
70
00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:02,160
Can I go, now, please? But Mum,
we're having lamb tonight!
71
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:04,440
Yeah, Mum, lamb! And?
72
00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:07,280
We don't want her ruining our lamb
with all her stupid crying! Yeah.
73
00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:10,280
Yeah, Mrs Three Bloody Nervous
Breakdowns a Day!
74
00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:12,920
Oh, thank you!
VAL: 'No! No!'
75
00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:14,480
Sorry, four.
76
00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:16,320
Val?
77
00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:19,760
He's only gone and booked two
tickets on the Eurostar to Paris!
78
00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:21,760
What? Oh, Larry!
79
00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:23,680
What?
CAR HORN BEEPS
80
00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:26,400
He's outside! Outside?
81
00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:28,000
We're going now! Now?
82
00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:29,600
Goodbye!
83
00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:30,840
Oh!
84
00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:33,240
I'm coming! I'm coming, I'm coming!
85
00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:35,520
You're going to Paris now?!
86
00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:38,160
He's packed a bag for me.
Can you believe it?
87
00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:40,000
What about your terrible argument?
What?
88
00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:44,040
Oh, never mind that!
It's Paris, Jackie! Paris!
89
00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:46,600
Oh, I'm sorry about dinner, love.
90
00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:48,360
URGENT TOOTING
91
00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:51,200
I'm coming, Larry!
92
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:52,880
Woo-hoo-hoo!
93
00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:56,920
Bye, then! Au revoir!
94
00:04:57,560 --> 00:04:59,400
Thank you, Larry!
95
00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:01,760
Those two, they're so romantic!
96
00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:03,880
Romantic? They're a pair of bloody
head cases!
97
00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:07,720
They are quite up and down.
Oh, but Paris, Martin!
98
00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:09,440
Do you remember when we went
to Paris?
99
00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:12,640
Um... Is that when I was sick after
eating that cheese?
100
00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:14,600
Glad you remember(!)
101
00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:16,960
Went all down the back
of the radiator.
102
00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:18,960
Val's so lucky.
103
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:22,120
Imagine just booking a weekend away
like that, on a whim.
104
00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:24,240
They'll have such a lovely time.
105
00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:26,800
And then come back divorced.
Fingers crossed.
106
00:05:26,840 --> 00:05:30,080
Larry's always doing mad things
like that. You know, spontaneously.
107
00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:33,360
Shame he can't spontaneously
combust! Ha!
108
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:36,400
Maybe you could be a bit more
spontaneous sometimes.
109
00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:39,840
What are you talking about? I do
spontaneous things, don't I, boys?
110
00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:42,120
You mean like oiling every single
hinge in the house?
111
00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:45,280
On exactly the same day every year?
For the past ten years.
112
00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:47,440
DOORBELL
That was a quick divorce!
113
00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:50,520
Ooh, what's happened now?
114
00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:53,040
Oh, I hope she's OK!
115
00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:55,960
Well, good night! Go back to Paris!
116
00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:57,360
Oh.
117
00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:59,160
I wasn't in Paris, Jackie!
118
00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:02,080
Sorry, Jim, I thought you were...
119
00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:04,480
Oh!
120
00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:06,120
You thought I was..?
121
00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:08,280
Er... That's a... Cat.
122
00:06:08,320 --> 00:06:12,320
Yes, Jackie. No, I was just wondering...
What are you doing with a cat?
123
00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:15,840
It's my brother's. He asked me to
look after it while he's in...
124
00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:18,200
Well, not prison, but...
125
00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:20,640
Right. Where's Wilson?
126
00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:24,520
Wilson's at home,
watching his little television.
127
00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:28,280
Isn't he?
128
00:06:28,320 --> 00:06:32,320
Look. No, yes, I was just wondering
if you had any milk in the house,
129
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:34,840
only I've run out.
130
00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:37,440
Sure. Go on, Johnnie.
Go on, pus face.
131
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:41,400
Miaow!
132
00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:42,440
Um...
133
00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:46,320
How are you enjoying your
cat-sitting?
134
00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:50,360
Cat-sitting?
135
00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:55,520
Here. Thank you!
136
00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:59,920
OK.
137
00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:13,040
That's better!
138
00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:15,040
Well, best be off.
139
00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:15,960
OK.
140
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:17,760
Come on, Watson!
141
00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:21,320
Watson, come on.
142
00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:24,120
Um...
143
00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:25,880
Bye, Jim.
144
00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:28,520
Come on, Watson!
145
00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:30,400
Oh, my God.
146
00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:34,200
Boys... Martin,
Jim just brought a...
147
00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:36,560
Are you alright? Huh?
148
00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:38,000
What's happened?
Nothing's happened.
149
00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:40,600
Boys, can you come upstairs a second?
Something's happened.
150
00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:43,320
Nothing's bloody happened.
Will you come?
151
00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:45,880
Something's definitely happened.
Bleeding well come!
152
00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:48,600
Dad! Dad! Martin?
What are you doing?
153
00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:50,560
MOBILE RINGS
154
00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:53,080
Oh - Val!
155
00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:55,280
Can you let go now?
156
00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:57,920
I'm a dead man. What have you done?
157
00:07:57,960 --> 00:08:01,960
A dead man!
158
00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:06,080
Oh, my God!
159
00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:08,160
You've got oil on Mum's carpet!
160
00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:11,400
I've got oil on Mum's carpet.
161
00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:15,120
I've got oil on Mum's carpet!
How the hell did you do that?!
162
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:19,160
How do you think I did it? I dropped
the shitting can, didn't I?
163
00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:23,320
Oh, you idiot!
164
00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:25,400
Your mother cannot see this!
165
00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:27,200
'Oh, Val, you're hilarious!'
166
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:31,240
She will. She will.
167
00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:33,400
Right, cloth. Yes.
168
00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:36,200
And?
169
00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:40,240
Yes? "Rub the carpet hard." OK.
170
00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:45,280
Is this hard enough? Maybe harder?
171
00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:49,520
Oh, no - sorry. "Do not rub the carpet
hard as this may cause lasting damage."
172
00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:51,440
What?! They write it so small!
173
00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:55,480
You shitting clot! That's it, Dad!
174
00:08:56,280 --> 00:08:57,920
What are we gonna bloody do?
175
00:08:57,960 --> 00:09:00,080
We'll have to get a man. A man?
176
00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:02,200
Yes, a man to clean up this crap.
177
00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:03,880
Where am I gonna find a man?
178
00:09:03,920 --> 00:09:07,920
Local paper?
179
00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:09,080
Man...
180
00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:10,960
Man... Man.
181
00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:13,600
How are you gonna get the man into
the house without Mum seeing?
182
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:15,440
Yeah. She does have things
called eyes.
183
00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:19,040
You stupid tit! We'll sneak him in
through the garage.
184
00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:21,520
Then we'll take your mother out.
Out?
185
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:24,720
Or would you rather stay and watch your
father having his bollocks chopped off?
186
00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:26,360
Do you really want us to answer
that?
187
00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:29,000
A man!
188
00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:32,360
"Arthur Murray. Cleaning carpets
for 40 years." Well, call him.
189
00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:35,440
Where are we gonna go? I don't know.
A restaurant?
190
00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:38,240
Yes, a restaurant. Can you call him,
please?
191
00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:40,560
What about our lamb? Yeah, our lamb!
192
00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:43,520
Shit on the bloody lamb!
Just call the sodding man!
193
00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:45,434
Tell him to park his van
round the corner
194
00:09:45,634 --> 00:09:47,320
and come in
through the garage, OK?
195
00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:50,200
Seriously, you won't get rid
of that. Oh, shut your face!
196
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:52,800
Hello? Is that Mr Murray? Shh!
197
00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:56,840
In there! Dad! I don't want
your mother to hear!
198
00:09:57,240 --> 00:10:01,240
Your brother! Maybe you should just
tell Mum what happened.
199
00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:03,640
You know, tell the truth. The truth?
200
00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:07,000
When have I ever told your mother
the truth, you stupid arsehole!
201
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:10,720
Alright. God! Come on!
So what restaurant, then?
202
00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:13,960
We'll have to go somewhere Mum
likes. Oh, well done, Einstein!
203
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:17,600
Hurry up! Ooh! What about Mario's?
204
00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:20,160
Mario's? Yeah. It's near, it's nice.
205
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:22,680
Yeah. Your mum does like Mario's.
So does Adam!
206
00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:24,560
And he really likes the waitress!
207
00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:26,650
What? Yep, he can do it.
Oh, thank Christ!
208
00:10:26,850 --> 00:10:28,600
He didn't seem very happy, though.
209
00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:32,440
He kept saying, "I've got a cold and I
haven't had my dinner yet." Sounds good!
210
00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:34,320
He'll be here in 20 minutes.
150 quid.
211
00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:38,360
150 quid?! Yes! He said at this time
of night, it's double. Double?!
212
00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:43,240
Why didn't you bloody haggle?
Er, cos I don't live in Morocco!
213
00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:45,560
And now we're all going to Mario's.
214
00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:47,574
Sorry? Mario's?
The restaurant. You know.
215
00:10:47,774 --> 00:10:49,600
That place you do all your stalking.
216
00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:52,680
You little... Right. Call them,
book a table.
217
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:55,080
Sorry, there's no way I'm booking
a table at Mario's!
218
00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:56,880
It's alright. I just did it on line!
219
00:10:56,920 --> 00:11:00,920
Table for four.
220
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:04,920
A restaurant? Yes. When? Now.
221
00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:06,720
Now? What are you talking about?
222
00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:09,120
Adam, open the oven for me, please.
Sure, Mum.
223
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:12,360
No. Jackie, we are going out to eat.
224
00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:16,400
No, we're not! We're having lamb!
225
00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:19,280
Alright. What is going on?
226
00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:23,320
OK. You know you said I never do
anything spontaneous?
227
00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:27,640
Yes. So I went and spontaneously
booked a restaurant. Did you? Yes.
228
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:30,920
Can you spontaneously un-book it,
then?
229
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:33,080
It's Mario's. You like Mario's.
230
00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:35,480
Or we could go to another
restaurant. Shut up!
231
00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:36,577
But what about the lamb?
232
00:11:36,777 --> 00:11:39,200
You've been nagging me about
the lamb all bloody night!
233
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:42,360
We could have lamb at Mario's.
They do a lovely lamb, don't they?
234
00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:44,120
Ooh, yeah. Lovely! Really?
235
00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:46,120
I've always found it a bit bland.
236
00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:48,680
Well, I do like Mario's. See?
237
00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:51,280
And I could do with a night off.
Just what I was thinking.
238
00:11:51,320 --> 00:11:54,920
And Val is having dinner in Paris.
Exactly.
239
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:58,520
Aw, you really did that
spontaneously?
240
00:11:58,560 --> 00:12:01,880
Course I did, Jackie.
It's the new spontaneous me!
241
00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:05,280
Aw, Martin!
242
00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:09,320
Isn't your dad a sweetie-pie!
243
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:13,880
Um, no. He's an awful, awful man.
244
00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:17,920
'Just going up to get changed!'
OK, love.
245
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:23,800
Oh, shit!
246
00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:27,560
Martin? You can't go in there.
247
00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:30,680
What? You can't go in.
248
00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:32,120
What are you...
249
00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:35,560
Can you unlock the door, please?
I want to change my top.
250
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:38,480
But you look fine as you are,
doesn't she, boys?
251
00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:41,440
Um, yeah. Fine! Fine!
252
00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:44,160
Thank you, but I don't want to look
fine, I want to look nice!
253
00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:47,120
You do look nice. You look the
nicest I've ever seen you...
254
00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:50,760
What's in the bedroom? What?
What are you hiding in the bedroom?
255
00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:54,200
What am I hiding in the bedroom?
256
00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:56,200
Can you believe it?
257
00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:59,200
Martin? Alright, I am hiding
something in the bedroom. What?
258
00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:00,280
Um...
259
00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:03,040
Boys, would you mind leaving us
a moment?
260
00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:07,080
Uh... OK.
261
00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:10,900
Well? OK, Jackie.
I wanted the bedroom
262
00:13:11,100 --> 00:13:13,120
to be all special
for us later, you know?
263
00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:17,960
"All special"? Mm.
264
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:21,400
Special. All nice and ready.
265
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:23,320
Ready? Sex ready.
266
00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:24,920
You didn't need to say that bit!
267
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:28,280
Sorry, Jackie, but honestly, it's
all extremely romantic in there.
268
00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:30,880
Aw, Martin!
269
00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:34,920
OK, boys. You can come out, now.
270
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:38,800
Well, if I'm not allowed in the bedroom,
you'll have to get my top for me.
271
00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:40,240
Sorry?
272
00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:42,120
The red jumper. Really?
273
00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:46,160
Go on, Dad.
274
00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:53,040
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
275
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:55,000
This?
276
00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:56,720
That's a towel.
277
00:13:56,760 --> 00:13:58,800
Oh, yeah.
278
00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:00,280
(SHOUTING)
279
00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:04,000
Look, can't I just... Got it!
280
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:05,520
Thank you.
281
00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:09,560
Right. I suppose I'd better
get changed in the bathroom.
282
00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:14,520
There, my love.
283
00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:21,880
Uh, Dad, the man will be here
in ten minutes.
284
00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:27,000
Great. Just enough time for me
to have a massive heart attack!
285
00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:29,680
Where is he?
286
00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:32,680
Where is he? I don't think
he's coming, Dad.
287
00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:35,880
Yeah. Shall I fetch the axe? What?
For your bollocks?
288
00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:38,160
Idiots!
289
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,760
There he is! Quickly!
290
00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:42,200
Quickly!
291
00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:44,040
COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
292
00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:45,262
Thanks, Mr Murray. Listen...
293
00:14:45,462 --> 00:14:48,080
I'm not happy about parking my van
round the corner, you know.
294
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:53,000
Shh! It's very late
and I've got a lousy cold.
295
00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:55,720
I'm sorry. Listen, my wife is
inside.
296
00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:58,760
If she finds out I ruined her
carpet, she will bloody kill me!
297
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:02,000
How am I gonna clean your carpet
without your wife seeing me?
298
00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:04,800
Because we're gonna sneak you in
through this door.
299
00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:08,840
Oh, really? Yes, then we all go out
and you clean the carpet.
300
00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:11,000
Oh, OK.
301
00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:12,880
But I'm not very happy about this!
302
00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:14,680
Great. Follow me.
303
00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:17,760
COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
304
00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:21,120
JACKIE: 'Martin? Boys?'
305
00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:22,520
Shit! Mum!
306
00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:24,400
Shit on it! Um...
307
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:28,040
In the back of the car.
Really? The car?!
308
00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:31,160
This is gonna cost you double!
I'm already paying you double!
309
00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:32,800
Oh. Double-double.
310
00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:36,400
Sorry!
311
00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:39,120
I thought you were here.
Shall we go?
312
00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:42,000
We'll be late. I don't want to be
late.
313
00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:46,040
Come on!
314
00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:56,080
Do you know what?
I'm actually really hungry.
315
00:15:56,120 --> 00:16:00,120
I wasn't at all, before.
Now I'm starving!
316
00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:04,880
Are you gonna sit there like
a shtummer or shall we go?
317
00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:06,920
Um... Sure.
318
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:08,440
Let's, um...
319
00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:10,040
go.
320
00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:12,560
SNEEZE
321
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,200
Bless you.
322
00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:18,240
BOYS TOGETHER: Thank you.
323
00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:31,240
Come on, Mum.
324
00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:35,280
Just a minute. Wait for your dad.
Ah, he's OK.
325
00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:38,920
Martin, are you getting out?
326
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:41,080
I have to check something
in the car.
327
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:43,040
Now? Oh, it's freezing!
328
00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:45,360
No, it's very important, Jackie.
It's the...
329
00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:48,400
central rotary combustion manifold.
330
00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:50,400
The what?!
MOBILE RINGS
331
00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:53,120
Oh, Val - again!
332
00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:55,000
Madame Valerie?
333
00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:58,160
I'm not very happy about this!
Get down, you idiot! Keep down!
334
00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:01,440
Can't wait to meet your girlfriend!
Johnnie!
335
00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:03,960
I'm sorry. I'm getting out of this
car right now!
336
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:07,240
OK. I'll pay you double. You're already
paying me double. Double-double.
337
00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:09,480
Then I'll pay you
double-double-double. Oh.
338
00:17:09,520 --> 00:17:12,440
Look. Car key. Front door key.
Bedroom key.
339
00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:15,240
Take the car back to the house,
clean the carpet,
340
00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:16,880
then bring the car back here, OK?
341
00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:19,360
Take your car and then bring it
back here? Then what?
342
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:22,400
I walk home? I've had a bloody hip
replacement, you know!
343
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:24,680
Please, Mr Murray! I'm a dead man!
344
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:27,880
OK. I'll take the car back to yours,
and I'll clean the carpet.
345
00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:30,160
But I am NOT driving back here.
346
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:32,720
Alright! Bloody hell! Leave the car
in the garage, then!
347
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:34,912
I still haven't had my dinner.
Eat anything you want.
348
00:17:35,112 --> 00:17:36,560
Eat the banisters, for all I care!
349
00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:38,520
Just clean the frigging carpet!
350
00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:39,680
A-choo!
351
00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:42,600
Shit and shit!
352
00:17:42,640 --> 00:17:46,640
OK, love. Bon voyage!
353
00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:49,800
There you are! Sorry, love.
All done.
354
00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:51,880
What, the central manifold?
355
00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:55,920
Val's almost at the Eurostar.
Is she?
356
00:17:57,600 --> 00:17:59,120
Mum... What?
357
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:00,800
Adam's in love with a waitress here.
358
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:04,840
Johnnie! Is he? No! No, I'm not!
He's just too scared to talk to her.
359
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:09,360
Ow!
360
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:11,320
Ha-ha! Piss-face!
361
00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:14,920
Boys! Butter-fingers! Now I have to
clean this crap up!
362
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:16,520
Bastard!
363
00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:20,560
Ow! Oh, you stupid berks!
364
00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:24,720
So go on, Johnnie. Which one is she?
365
00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:28,760
OK.
366
00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:35,000
That one.
367
00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:37,840
Really? Yeah. He's mad about her.
368
00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:39,560
That's his female?
369
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:42,720
Hi. Good evening. Would you like
some bread to start?
370
00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:46,680
Oh, hello. I'm Jackie, by the way.
What's your name? Linda.
371
00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:50,720
Linda. Oh, that's a lovely name,
isn't it? Lovely!
372
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:55,440
Do you have a boyfriend? Martin!
Sorry? Excuse my husband.
373
00:18:56,120 --> 00:19:00,120
Maybe I'll wait for your other
guest. Here he is.
374
00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:05,040
Hi, pus face!
375
00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:08,960
What?
376
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:10,760
Well, say something!
377
00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:12,120
Sorry?
378
00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:14,920
Go on! Yeah, go on!
379
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:18,960
Um, excuse my weird family.
380
00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:24,840
What is going on?
So, do you live round here?
381
00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:26,480
Yeah, not too far.
382
00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:29,200
Oh. Did you hear that, Adam?
Not too far.
383
00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:33,080
One minute.
384
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:33,920
Ow!
385
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:36,720
Maybe I'll leave you to look at the
menus.
386
00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:38,920
You little shit! What?
387
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:42,400
She seemed nice. OK, she's a little
bit older.
388
00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:45,160
That's not the girl that I fancy!
Isn't it? No!
389
00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:47,280
That's the girl!
390
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:50,360
Oh, God. And here we go!
391
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:51,840
Can I help?
392
00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:55,040
Um, no. Sorry, I was just...
393
00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:58,000
Is everything OK? Yes, sorry about
before.
394
00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:00,320
We just got a little mixed up.
395
00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:04,360
That's OK. You see, we thought
my son was in love with you,
396
00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:08,320
but he's actually in love with you.
397
00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:11,280
Aren't you?
398
00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:15,320
Martin Goodman.
399
00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:25,240
The most embarrassing meal
of all time. It was, wasn't it?
400
00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:28,120
Why didn't you talk to the girl,
Bobbo?
401
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:31,240
Cos I was too busy thinking of ways
to murder my family.
402
00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:32,560
Lovely.
403
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:35,000
The man hasn't answered my texts.
404
00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:36,800
If he hasn't done the bleedin'
carpet...
405
00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:39,800
Martin... Yes, my dear?
406
00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:41,880
Where's your car?
407
00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:45,920
Uh...
408
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:49,160
I just can't understand why
you won't call the police.
409
00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:50,680
It's your car, Martin, your car!
410
00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:54,480
I keep telling you, Jackie,
it'll turn up. Cars always do.
411
00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:56,000
Do they? Yes.
412
00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:57,040
Um...
413
00:20:57,080 --> 00:20:59,600
Martin, what is your car doing here?
414
00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:03,640
What?! How is your car here?
415
00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:05,560
See? I told you it would turn up.
416
00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:06,800
But...
417
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:08,760
Oh, there's Jim...
418
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:10,280
and Val?!
419
00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:12,400
He was meant to put it
in the bloody garage!
420
00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:16,440
What do you reckon, Dad? Nice clean
carpet? Or bye-bye, bollocks? Oh, God!
421
00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:20,320
I was just popping round to see if
you had any more milk
422
00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:24,360
when I found your friend here,
sobbing her heart out.
423
00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:28,040
Oh, Val. I thought you were going to
Paris?
424
00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:31,480
Jackie, we had such a terrible
argument.
425
00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:35,520
All about the euro.
426
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:45,000
That's a cat.
427
00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:50,600
Lads!
428
00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:56,400
Martin? Alright!
429
00:21:56,600 --> 00:22:00,600
This is too important.
Please, please!
430
00:22:04,280 --> 00:22:05,800
He did it! Oh!
431
00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:07,440
Sweet joy!
432
00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:11,480
Sweet bloody joy!
433
00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:12,920
Dad!
434
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:15,160
Now to make the room all romantic.
435
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:19,200
Uh... Pot pourri.
436
00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:22,560
Done!
437
00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:23,880
Dad...
438
00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:25,520
Come on! Dad...
439
00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:29,560
What?
440
00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:33,400
What's he doing here? Mr Murray?
441
00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:37,440
Why is he not answering?
442
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:41,000
You don't think he's...
443
00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:42,840
Dead!
444
00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:45,240
God! God!
445
00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:46,920
I can't believe it!
446
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:49,280
He said he had a bad cold, but...
447
00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:53,320
Must have been a really bad cold!
448
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:54,960
Well, that's just my luck!
449
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:57,920
What?! I book a man to clean the
carpet
450
00:22:57,960 --> 00:22:59,720
and he ends up bloody dying on it!
Dad!
451
00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:02,880
Oh, thank you. Thank you very much!
452
00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:04,920
Uh... Oh, my God!
453
00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:06,920
What am I gonna tell your mother,
huh?
454
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:09,280
What am I gonna tell
your bleedin' mother?
455
00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:11,040
Martin? Shit!
456
00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:14,600
Shit!
457
00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:18,640
What are you doing? Val's in
absolute pieces down there!
458
00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:23,960
Well?
459
00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:28,400
Let's go to Paris!
460
00:23:28,450 --> 00:23:33,000
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