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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,800 --> 00:00:02,791 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 2 00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:39,713 Ow. Jonny! 3 00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:42,876 - "Please Use Side Entrance." - (SIGHS) 4 00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:44,188 - Ignore? - Ignore. 5 00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:47,751 The carpet's been cleaned, the carpet's been cleaned! 6 00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:49,035 (DOOR CLOSING) 7 00:00:49,480 --> 00:00:50,515 Don't ignore. 8 00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:54,875 - Hi, Dad. - Hi. 9 00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:56,195 Oh, hello, bambinos. 10 00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:58,237 - Hot tonight isn't it? - Scorching. 11 00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:00,197 MUM: Why didn't they read the sign? 12 00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:01,315 Mum's a bit... 13 00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:02,958 You know what she's like where there's carpet involved. 14 00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:04,957 - Yup. - Frankenstein with bosoms. 15 00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:08,389 Ah, ah, ah! Shoes off. 16 00:01:08,840 --> 00:01:09,875 (BOTH SIGH) 17 00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:14,273 (GROANING) 18 00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:16,153 MUM: Come and have a look at the carpet. 19 00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:19,195 Well? 20 00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:21,512 It's definitely a carpet. 21 00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:22,874 Definitely a floor covering. 22 00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:24,439 Oh! Look how clean it is. 23 00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:26,758 Oh, that is clean. 24 00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:29,308 - Isn't it? - Oh, you're horrible. 25 00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:31,152 And it's my night off tonight. 26 00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:32,514 Oh, yeah, so what we doing? 27 00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:33,635 Dad's not cooking is he? 28 00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:36,188 Yes, I'm making roast dustbin. (SNEEZING) 29 00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:37,349 Oh, lovely. 30 00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:38,509 - Bless you. - Damn you. 31 00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:39,874 We're going for Chinese. 32 00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:41,996 - Skill. - Crispy duck, here I come. 33 00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:43,235 (SNEEZING) 34 00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:47,115 Uh, why's the fridge full of tomatoes? 35 00:01:48,080 --> 00:01:49,513 - Jesus. - MUM: Good question. 36 00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:52,512 Martin, why is the fridge full of tomatoes? 37 00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:53,953 Because the shop made a mistake. 38 00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:55,189 No, we've been through this. 39 00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:56,952 You made a mistake, you made a mistake. 40 00:01:57,040 --> 00:01:59,508 - I made a mistake. - He did his first online shop. 41 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,039 Welcome to the current century. 42 00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:02,394 God, it was complicated. 43 00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:05,518 No, all you had to do was not add two noughts after every order. 44 00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:07,033 - Excellent. - I tell you that Internet, 45 00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:08,348 I give it three years. 46 00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:10,517 What am I gonna do with a 100 bags of tomatoes? 47 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:13,194 - Make a salad? - And a 100 bottles of bleach? 48 00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:14,469 Ooh. 49 00:02:14,920 --> 00:02:15,955 Salad dressing? 50 00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:17,189 That bleach will come in handy one day. 51 00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:19,271 Martin, this is a house, not a morgue. 52 00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:20,839 Don't worry, I can fix that. 53 00:02:20,920 --> 00:02:23,912 - (GROWLING) - Um, your winkie's showing. 54 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:25,115 - Oh, ha. - Dad. 55 00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:26,189 So, we going then? 56 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:28,953 Well, when Mr Greencock gets here. Where is he? 57 00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:30,189 ADAM: Sorry? Who? 58 00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:32,555 - Mr Greencock. - Mr Greencock? 59 00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:33,834 Mr Green "cock"? 60 00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:35,751 Yes, I know, Mr Greencock, 61 00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:37,558 your dad's been saying it to me the whole day. 62 00:02:37,640 --> 00:02:38,755 - A 100? - A 100. 63 00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:40,831 - Who's Mr Greencock? - The piano tuner. 64 00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:43,469 The piano tuner? Sorry, are we in the wrong house? 65 00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:44,709 He was supposed to be here an hour ago 66 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:46,472 to tune the piano, but he hasn't turned up. 67 00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:48,395 Piano? 68 00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:53,878 Why have we got a piano? 69 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,030 - Because Dad bought it. - I bought a piano. 70 00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:57,235 Um, why? 71 00:02:57,320 --> 00:02:59,311 Why? So I can play it, you simpleton. 72 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:00,549 But you can't play the piano. 73 00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:01,755 Can't even hear the piano. 74 00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:03,034 - Pardon? - Classic. 75 00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:04,669 Isn't she gorgeous? 76 00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:06,313 (PIANO PLAYING) 77 00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:07,799 (KISSING) Gorgeous. 78 00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:08,915 Oh, lads, 79 00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:10,433 do you know what the piano tuner man's called? 80 00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:12,078 - Here we go. - Mr Greencock. 81 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:16,312 Yes. (LAUGHING) Mr Greencock. It's like he's got a green... 82 00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:17,719 Yeah, we already worked that one out. 83 00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:19,229 Where is the silly sod anyway? 84 00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:21,754 I think we should just leave. He's an hour late. 85 00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:23,718 Why won't he answer his phone? 86 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:26,119 So how are you gonna play this then? 87 00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:27,394 Well, you're gonna teach me of course. 88 00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:28,919 Ha ha, pusface. 89 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:30,592 - Me? - DAD: You play piano don't you? 90 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:32,433 - Yeah, but... - So, once a week, 91 00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:33,589 you'll come here and give me a lesson. 92 00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:36,353 Once a week? I already come here once a week. 93 00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,636 Lovely. Are we such a burden? 94 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:40,589 Hmm. 95 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:42,432 - Thank you very much. - (DOORBELL RINGING) 96 00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:44,351 (GROWLING) 97 00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:46,476 Mum, Mr Green Knob's here. 98 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:47,788 Shh. 99 00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:51,672 Can't anyone read? It says "side entrance." 100 00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:55,679 - MUM: Hi. - Greencock. 101 00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:57,195 Um, yes. 102 00:03:57,800 --> 00:03:59,233 Didn't you see the sign? 103 00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:00,595 Have a guess. 104 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:04,519 Oh, sorry, I didn't know you were... 105 00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:05,715 I was? 106 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:07,315 Nothing. 107 00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:08,635 Come in. 108 00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:12,397 Yes, apologies for being late. My car wouldn't start. 109 00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:14,232 MUM: Your car? GREENCOCK: That's right, 110 00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:15,635 I drive a Ferrari. 111 00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:18,318 Oh! (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) 112 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:20,079 GREENCOCK: No, the genius of a bus driver 113 00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:21,559 forgot to tell me when to get off, 114 00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:23,796 so I had to take a nice walk through a pond. 115 00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:25,229 - Hello. - Evening. 116 00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:26,309 Hi. 117 00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:29,194 - Do you have a toilet? - Um... 118 00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:30,755 Yes. 119 00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:32,672 And am I allowed to use it? 120 00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:36,757 Oh, of course. Here. 121 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:41,951 Sorry, you'll have to go upstairs, I'm afraid. 122 00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:43,389 All the way upstairs? 123 00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:45,274 It's lucky I'm not blind. 124 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:49,069 Um, it's just down here, up the stairs, second on the right. 125 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:51,513 Do you need any help? 126 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:52,835 Uh, yes. 127 00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:54,793 Could you undo my flys for me? 128 00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:57,835 I thought blind people were meant to be nice. 129 00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:00,117 They also have tremendous hearing. 130 00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:08,875 He's not sarcastic. 131 00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:10,155 My carpet. 132 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:12,317 My lovely clean carpet. 133 00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:13,913 Your disgusting filthy carpet. 134 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,149 It's ruined, ruined! 135 00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:17,310 Why didn't you tell him to take his shoes off? 136 00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:20,752 Sorry, how do you tell a blind man to take his shoes off? 137 00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:21,875 With words? 138 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:25,350 No, I'm not having him destroy my living room. No way. 139 00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:26,953 We'll have to move the piano out. Go on. 140 00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:28,519 - Out? - Yes into the kitchen. 141 00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:30,511 - The kitchen? - Are you mad? 142 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:32,830 Yes, I am mad. Go on, take it out. 143 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:35,037 - But... - Wheel it out. 144 00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:37,554 Wheel it? Does it have wheels? 145 00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:39,198 Um, yeah, 146 00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:40,595 but they're a bit rusty. 147 00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:41,954 Well, go on. 148 00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:43,075 Bloody hell. 149 00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:47,199 Righty-ho. 150 00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:48,952 - (SQUEAKING) - Argh. 151 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:50,234 - Lovely sound. - (SQUEAKING) 152 00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:51,799 - Careful. - Dad. 153 00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:53,108 - Careful. - Dad. 154 00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:55,358 - Don't break anything. - We won't. 155 00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:56,668 - (STRAINING) - (SQUEAKING CONTINUES) 156 00:05:57,480 --> 00:05:59,550 - Except our ears. - MUM: Keep going. 157 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:01,155 This is definitely worse than torture. 158 00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:03,037 - Careful. - Please stop saying careful. 159 00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:06,033 - He's flushed the loo. - Mazel Tov. 160 00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:07,155 MUM: Come on. 161 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:10,514 - And heave. - MUM: Oh! 162 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:12,035 Careful. 163 00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:13,954 Over there, over there. 164 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:16,270 - (SQUEAKING) - Come on. 165 00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:22,039 It's OK, Mum, you relax. 166 00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:31,513 - What a normal place to put a piano. - So normal. 167 00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:33,275 He's coming back. 168 00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:36,352 - Everything OK? - Yes. 169 00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:38,194 Apart from not being able to see. 170 00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:40,189 - Er... - And now, 171 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:42,272 are you gonna tell me where the piano is, 172 00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:46,439 - or do I have to guess? - Oh, sorry, yes. (CLEARING THROAT) 173 00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:51,036 Through here. Come on. (LAUGHING) 174 00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:53,632 The piano's... 175 00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:55,235 The piano's here. 176 00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:56,953 (PLAYING PIANO) 177 00:06:57,680 --> 00:06:58,715 This is the kitchen. 178 00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:00,792 Um, yes. 179 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:03,113 A piano in the kitchen. 180 00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:05,279 How convenient for everyone. 181 00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:07,637 GREENCOCK: Right, let's see what we've got. 182 00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:10,314 (DOG WHINING) 183 00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:11,469 Um... 184 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:13,229 What's your dog called? 185 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:15,158 - Piano. - JONNY: Right. 186 00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:18,269 Is it, um, really called Piano? 187 00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:19,835 What do you think? 188 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:22,990 So, we sort of have to go out now. 189 00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:24,911 - ADAM: Yeah. - Had enough of me already, have you? 190 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:26,679 What? No, not at all. 191 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:28,155 Just, um... 192 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:29,992 Yeah, how long will you be? 193 00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:34,070 Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but there are quite a lot of notes here. 194 00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:37,035 OK, so we just... 195 00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:38,869 Leave you here? 196 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:40,552 Unless you want me to work in the garden? 197 00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:45,554 So your 198 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:47,194 case is here. 199 00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:52,233 The kettle's behind you, and there's milk... 200 00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:55,108 Tomatoes in the fridge. 201 00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:57,111 Thank you. I'll help myself. 202 00:07:57,600 --> 00:07:58,635 To tomatoes. 203 00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:01,071 You sure you'll be all right on your own? 204 00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:04,029 I'll try not to set the house on fire, but you never know. 205 00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:06,272 - Goodbye. - Goodbye. 206 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:07,869 - Bye. - Bye. 207 00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:14,794 Bad idea to leave him here. 208 00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:16,029 - Terrible idea. - Terrible. 209 00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:17,875 Martin, what do you think? 210 00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:19,911 I think, uh... 211 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:21,435 Crispy duck. 212 00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:30,474 Seriously, how could I tell a blind man to leave? 213 00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:31,788 With more words? 214 00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:33,835 Thank you. 215 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:36,839 Come on, try to relax now, Jackie. It's your night off. 216 00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:39,271 Do you have to keep saying it's my night off? 217 00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:41,154 - You make me sound like... - A hooker? 218 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:44,232 - Good one. - Yes, thank you, a hooker. 219 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:46,595 Your mother's is not a hooker. 220 00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:49,235 That's good to know. 221 00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:52,028 If she was, I'm sure she'd do a roaring trade. 222 00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:53,519 Wouldn't you my darling? (KISSING) 223 00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:56,038 Wait, isn't that Aunty Val? 224 00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:57,869 - What? - Over there. 225 00:08:57,960 --> 00:08:59,154 - That's Aunty Val. - Oh, yeah. 226 00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:01,870 Can't be. That not Larry she's with. 227 00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:03,712 - Who you talking about? - Over there, Val. 228 00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:05,755 Oh, God, Val. 229 00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:07,835 Who's the bloke? 230 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:09,952 I don't know, a colleague? 231 00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:12,349 ADAM: Friendly colleague. 232 00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:13,509 MUM: Maybe a relative? 233 00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:15,991 - Friendly relative. - Yeah, just a bit of incest. 234 00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:17,115 Jonny. 235 00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:19,837 MUM: Who is he and what's she doing with him? 236 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:21,758 Being a hooker. (LAUGHING) 237 00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:23,068 Shh. 238 00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:28,075 Oh, God. 239 00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:29,354 I think I'm gonna be sick. 240 00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:31,835 She mustn't see us. She mustn't see us. 241 00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:36,598 MUM: Shit, she's seen me. 242 00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:37,715 Oh, God. 243 00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:39,959 JONNY: Stand by for awkwardness. 244 00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:42,873 The excuses start now. 245 00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:45,031 - Hi, Jackie. - Hi, love. 246 00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:46,879 - I didn't see you... - I didn't know you were here. 247 00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:48,394 (LAUGHING) 248 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:50,152 MUM: Yes, yes, um... 249 00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:53,910 No, I didn't see you, here... There. 250 00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:56,910 - Neither did we. Did we boys? - No. 251 00:09:57,280 --> 00:09:58,998 No, we didn't see you with that man. 252 00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:01,555 Oh, him. 253 00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:04,071 - Oh, he's, um... - Hello. 254 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:08,391 Um, this is my friend, Jackie and her family. 255 00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:09,869 This is... 256 00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:11,389 - Jeremy. - Philip. 257 00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:14,798 - Mr Jeremy Phillips. - That's right. 258 00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:17,032 - He's my cousin. - MUM: Right. 259 00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:18,275 He's my third... 260 00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:19,909 - Fourth cousin. - Cousin. 261 00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:21,795 Oh, you're cousins? 262 00:10:22,680 --> 00:10:24,318 - How nice to meet you. - (COUGHING) Incest. 263 00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:27,631 Yeah, we're cousins and I'm visiting London at the moment, aren't I? 264 00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:29,392 Yes, yes you are. 265 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:32,029 Oh, London is a smashing place. 266 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:34,279 You been to Buckingham Palace yet? 267 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,468 Yeah, no, yeah, oh, very nice. Yes. 268 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:40,678 Yeah, funny to think that that's where the Queen's had sexual intercourse. 269 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:42,432 (LAUGHING) 270 00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:45,109 Well, very nice to meet you. 271 00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:46,949 - Phillip. - Jeremy. 272 00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:50,110 - Yes. - So, um... 273 00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:58,193 I'm sorry, sorry. (CRYING) 274 00:10:58,280 --> 00:10:59,349 Excuse me. 275 00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:01,153 Val, Valerie. 276 00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:04,195 He seemed nice. 277 00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:07,352 Why did you have to say sexual intercourse? 278 00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:09,795 - What? - She can't be having an affair. 279 00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:12,436 - There must be a reason. - It's called cock. 280 00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:13,509 Jonny. 281 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:14,635 - Green cock. - Adam. 282 00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:15,755 Pow. 283 00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:17,956 MUM: I hope she's all right. (SIGHS) 284 00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:20,715 I've got a voicemail from the piano tuner. 285 00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:21,915 Really? Who is it? 286 00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:23,958 - Green bollocks. - Oh, Green bollocks. 287 00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:26,198 Hello, Mrs Goodman, 288 00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:29,199 just wanted to know where you keep your 289 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:30,715 fire extinguisher. 290 00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:32,229 Fire extinguisher? 291 00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:34,709 - DAD: The fire extinguisher? - He wants the fire extinguisher? 292 00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:35,835 Call him back. 293 00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:38,237 I knew we shouldn't have left him there. I knew it. 294 00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:40,557 - Why did you let him stay in our house? - Me? 295 00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:42,478 - Well? - He's not answering. 296 00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:45,156 What do we do? Oh, God. 297 00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:47,112 So, are you ready to order? 298 00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:49,156 The house is on fire. The house is on fire! 299 00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:50,559 - Sorry. - The house is on fire. 300 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:53,190 - Come on, Dad. - But what about my crispy duck? 301 00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:58,552 Oh, God. The house is on fire. The house is on fire! 302 00:11:58,640 --> 00:11:59,755 - Check the rooms. - OK. 303 00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:02,513 The house is on fire. Hello? Mr Greencock, the house is on... 304 00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:03,635 Shh. 305 00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:06,354 (PLAYING PIANO) 306 00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:08,032 - Where's the fire? - Fire? 307 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:10,429 Yes. Where's the bleeding fire? 308 00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:11,555 Do fires bleed? 309 00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:15,674 Mr Greencock, you left a message asking for the fire extinguisher. 310 00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:17,113 Ah, yes. 311 00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:19,118 (PLAYING PIANO) 312 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:21,031 We tried to call. Why didn't you call us back? 313 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:23,588 Oh, we'd already found the fire extinguisher by then. 314 00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:25,671 - We? - A friend of yours apparently had 315 00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:27,159 a fire and came round to borrow it. 316 00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:28,475 - Friend? - Which friend? 317 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:30,677 I'm afraid I didn't get a very good look at him. 318 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,389 - Being blind. - Oh, my God. What was his name? 319 00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:35,992 - Jim something. - Jim? 320 00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:37,149 Jim's had a fire? 321 00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:39,471 It just went up in flames. 322 00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:41,039 Woosh! 323 00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:44,389 (WHISTLES) Poof! 324 00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:46,959 Your bath caught fire? 325 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:48,633 - That's right. - How? 326 00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:50,473 I dropped a candle in it. 327 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:53,268 - You mean your bathtub caught fire? - Yes, yes, Martin. 328 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,949 - DAD: What the hell's it made of? - Elm. 329 00:12:56,880 --> 00:13:00,634 That's why we hurried here for your fire extinguisher, didn't we, Wilson? 330 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:03,079 But it was too late. 331 00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:06,670 My bath had been burnt to crisps. 332 00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:08,478 - A crisp. - Yes, please. 333 00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:14,955 - Still nothing from Val. - Really? 334 00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:18,354 Here, Jim. You all right now? 335 00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:20,476 I'm still in a little discomfort. 336 00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:22,471 - MUM: Are you? - Yes, my thighs... 337 00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:24,559 - Very hot. - Oh. 338 00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:26,675 Would you like to feel them? 339 00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:28,239 It's OK, thanks. 340 00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:29,594 - (PHONE RINGING) - Oh. 341 00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:31,035 It's Val. 342 00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:36,076 Val? Oh, thank God. You OK? 343 00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:38,836 Really? She's outside. 344 00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:41,514 - Outside? - Shitting buggery. 345 00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:42,794 Nothing love. 346 00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:48,199 Would anyone else like to feel my hot thighs? 347 00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:53,111 Oh, Val. 348 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:54,235 Oh, Jackie. 349 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:57,799 MUM: Um, Val... 350 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:02,358 - Didn't you see the sign? - (CRYING) 351 00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:03,829 - What? - Nothing. 352 00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:06,479 I've been a terrible wife. 353 00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:08,949 Oh, don't be silly. Come through, love. 354 00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:11,873 - No, a terrible wife. - Of course you haven't. Come on. 355 00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:13,552 I mean, what have I done to Larry? 356 00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:15,755 Maybe not in there. 357 00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:19,110 Oh, is that a piano? 358 00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:21,038 No, it's a trombone. 359 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:23,909 He's just the piano tuner, so shall we... 360 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:26,389 Yes, I'm just the piano tuner. 361 00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:27,834 (PLAYING PIANO) 362 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:31,040 Let's leave him to get on. You nearly finished? 363 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:32,758 Living, or tuning the piano? 364 00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:33,875 Either. 365 00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:35,275 Come on. 366 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:37,237 - Who's he? - Don't ask. 367 00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:38,515 Oh, Jackie. 368 00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:40,189 What have I done? 369 00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:45,878 - Aw, come on, let's go upstairs. - No, I wanna sit down. 370 00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:47,835 But... 371 00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:51,474 Eh, Aunty Val's here. 372 00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:52,835 Hi, Aunty Val. 373 00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:54,558 Hi, Aunty Val. 374 00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:56,957 Um, this is Jim, our neighbour. 375 00:14:57,040 --> 00:14:58,439 - Friend. - Neighbour. 376 00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:00,431 - His bath caught fire. - What? 377 00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:01,988 It was made of elm. 378 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:03,479 Yes, elm. 379 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:05,119 Elm. (CRYING) 380 00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:07,031 Oh, look. 381 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:09,038 Now, what can I get you? 382 00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:12,317 Actually, Jackie, would you mind if I used your bathroom? 383 00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:13,595 Er... 384 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:15,511 You'll have to use the one upstairs, Jim. 385 00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:16,635 JIM: Thank you, Martin. 386 00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:19,153 Wilson, remain. 387 00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:25,989 Are you all right, Valerie? 388 00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:27,514 No, not really. 389 00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:30,674 Well, if you ever need to talk to anybody. 390 00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:34,709 - Oh, that's nice of you. - Yes, that is nice of you, Jim. 391 00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:37,678 Um, I was gonna suggest the Samaritans. 392 00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:42,513 It was only one kiss. 393 00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:44,393 We didn't even use tongues. 394 00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:45,799 - Bye, Aunty. - Bye. 395 00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:53,390 Sorry, but how long now for our food? We will die of hunger. 396 00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:56,753 - Thank you. - Well? 397 00:15:57,280 --> 00:16:01,239 - Five minutes. - Five more minutes for my crispy duck? 398 00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:04,758 - I'm not sure I can hold out that long. - Well, you could always chew on a rake. 399 00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:06,512 And there's some delicious compost. 400 00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:07,828 (GRUMBLES) 401 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:09,755 Bleeding wallies. 402 00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:13,315 Do you think it's safe to go in now? 403 00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:14,435 Are you mad? 404 00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:17,434 Two women talking about emotions? 405 00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:19,112 All right. I just thought they might be finished. 406 00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:20,952 Finished? When are women finished? 407 00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:23,718 You've really got a lot to learn. 408 00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:27,310 Oh, I know what'll tide me over. 409 00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:33,273 - Glue? - Not glue, you moron. Fish paste. 410 00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:35,639 - Fish paste? - Can I have some? 411 00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:38,316 You're gonna squeeze that directly into your mouth now, aren't you? 412 00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:39,435 I am. 413 00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:41,029 Mmm. 414 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:42,917 - Dad. - It stinks. 415 00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:44,879 I wish your mother would have an affair. 416 00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:48,033 Then I could spend all day in here scoffing this lovely stuff. 417 00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:50,156 You carry on eating that, she will have an affair. 418 00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:53,391 There you are. You better come... 419 00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:55,793 Ugh, what is that smell? 420 00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:57,593 The inside of Dad's mouth. 421 00:16:57,880 --> 00:17:00,030 Oh, not that horrible stuff again. 422 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:01,269 You don't know what you're missing. 423 00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:03,714 You better come inside. 424 00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:05,109 Larry's turned up. 425 00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:06,475 Sorry? 426 00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:08,119 Val's husband. He's here. 427 00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:09,915 And he's not happy. 428 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:14,636 Who is it? Who have you been seeing? 429 00:17:15,080 --> 00:17:17,275 Look, I've already told you, I don't know what you're talking about. 430 00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:19,078 I'm not a bloody idiot, Valerie! 431 00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:21,676 Uh, hello, Martin, boys. 432 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:24,838 - Hi, Uncle Larry. - All right, Larry, been busy? 433 00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:26,395 What? 434 00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:27,959 Yes, quite. 435 00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:29,712 Well, it's good to be busy, 436 00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:32,479 what with the financial situation at the... 437 00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:34,232 - Martin. - Sorry. Carry on. 438 00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,550 - Well? - Well, what? I told you, I... 439 00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:39,518 All right, can someone please tell me what my wife's been up to? 440 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:40,995 Um. 441 00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:42,995 Jackie? 442 00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:45,511 Would you mind taking your shoes off? 443 00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:47,835 What! 444 00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:48,955 Um... 445 00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:52,032 If you could all make a bit more noise. Thank you. 446 00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:54,319 - Who's that? - Oh, that's... 447 00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:55,435 - Is that him? - What? 448 00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:56,748 Is that your fancy man? 449 00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:58,876 - Don't be silly, Larry. - Larry, that's... 450 00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:01,030 - Right. - Uncle Larry! 451 00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:03,437 OK, you. Have you been seeing my wife? 452 00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:04,873 - Come on, Larry. - MUM: Larry. 453 00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:07,633 Well, technically that would be quite difficult. 454 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,148 Smartarse are you? 455 00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:10,639 - Yup. - He's blind. 456 00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:12,551 - Oh, you noticed. - Oh, shut up. 457 00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:13,755 Yes, shut up. 458 00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:16,952 OK, is it Martin? 459 00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:18,355 What? 460 00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:20,795 Have you been having an affair with Martin? 461 00:18:21,520 --> 00:18:24,273 (LAUGHING) Oh, don't be daft. 462 00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:26,119 What's so funny? 463 00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:28,273 - By the way, it wasn't me. - Nor me. 464 00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:30,872 - No, I know what you're up to. - Oh, what? 465 00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,837 You're hiding him in this bloody house. 466 00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:35,119 I'll find him! 467 00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:36,953 - Larry, please. - MUM: No! 468 00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:38,837 - Relaxing evening. - Mum's night off. 469 00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:40,831 - VAL: Larry! Larry! - Oh, God. 470 00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:44,071 You know, you really must invite me to one of your dinner parties. 471 00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:45,315 LARRY: There he is! 472 00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:48,554 LARRY: Come on get up, fight like a man. 473 00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:49,755 VAL: Larry, please. 474 00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:52,276 What's going... Jim? 475 00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:54,318 - Oh, dear. - Think I'm stupid, do you? 476 00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:56,595 Hiding your fancy man under all those bubbles, eh? 477 00:18:56,680 --> 00:18:58,511 Larry, he's their neighbour. 478 00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:00,397 - Rubbish. - Uncle Larry, that is our neighbour. 479 00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:01,708 - Friend. - He's a neighbour. 480 00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:03,153 Jim, what are you doing in there? 481 00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:05,152 You said I could use your bathroom. 482 00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:06,559 Not to take a bath. 483 00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:08,153 Must have got confused. 484 00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:09,549 His bath caught fire. 485 00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:12,269 - What? - It was made of elm. 486 00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:13,952 - Elm? - Elm. 487 00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:18,318 Val, Larry, maybe you two should have a quiet chat downstairs, yeah? 488 00:19:18,880 --> 00:19:19,915 Come along, Valerie. 489 00:19:20,280 --> 00:19:21,349 Time to have a little talk. 490 00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:24,913 Well done, love. (KISSING) 491 00:19:25,240 --> 00:19:27,037 Yes, well done, love. 492 00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:29,195 Jim, maybe you should... 493 00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:31,675 Of course, I'll get out now, Jackie. 494 00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:32,795 No! 495 00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:36,349 Bloody hell. 496 00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:37,509 (PHONE RINGING) 497 00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:40,592 - Oh, that's gotta be the crispy duck. - No, it's my phone. 498 00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:42,558 Ugh, God. 499 00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:44,273 It's Green bollocks. 500 00:19:44,360 --> 00:19:46,396 Why's he phoning from downstairs? 501 00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:47,955 Hello? 502 00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:49,595 What? 503 00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:53,160 He said, "Do we have another fire extinguisher?" 504 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:56,630 The house is on fire, the house is on fire! 505 00:19:56,880 --> 00:19:58,074 MUM: The house is on fire. 506 00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:01,110 - MUM: What happened? What happened? - What? 507 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,315 Where's the fire? 508 00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:03,954 - GREENCOCK: The fire? - Yes. 509 00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:05,434 Oh, it was nothing. 510 00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:07,518 Just a little joke. (LAUGHING) 511 00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:11,391 No, I've finished actually, so if you could pay me. 512 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:12,715 A joke? 513 00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:13,835 That's right. 514 00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:15,435 ADAM: Mum? 515 00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:16,555 - Mum? - Jackie? 516 00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:18,959 You are leaving. 517 00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:21,351 That's it, throw a blind man out. 518 00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:24,000 Oh, we're throwing a blind man out, all right. 519 00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:25,638 - Um, number 23? - ADAM: Thanks. 520 00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:28,878 And just so you know, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. 521 00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:30,075 Is it really? 522 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:31,798 - Ugh. - Come on, Piano. 523 00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:34,873 GREENCOCK: Wonderful hospitality. 524 00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:35,995 JONNY: You're welcome. 525 00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:38,795 Ugh. 526 00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:40,559 It's OK, love, he's gone now. 527 00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:42,835 - Yeah. - His dog really was called Piano. 528 00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:45,196 - So, food? - Food. 529 00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:47,118 I wasn't too horrible to him, was I? 530 00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:48,435 What? 531 00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:50,715 Jackie, the guy was a massive mental head. 532 00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:51,915 Yeah. 533 00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:53,913 Oh, I feel bad. 534 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:55,228 Stop it, Mum, come on. 535 00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:57,550 But he was blind, and we just threw him out the house. 536 00:20:57,640 --> 00:20:59,995 Jackie, the sodding food's getting cold, all right? 537 00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:03,516 Maybe we should, like, call him a taxi or something, yes. 538 00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:07,677 OK. You're gonna bloody listen to me. 539 00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:10,793 All night bloody long I've been waiting for a bloody bit of crispy duck. 540 00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:11,915 - Me too. - And me. 541 00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:13,149 DAD: And now it's bloody here, 542 00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:16,232 we're gonna eat this bloody duck as a bloody family, do you understand? 543 00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:17,989 (PIANO STRINGS TWANGING) 544 00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:20,192 - (BASHING) - What was... 545 00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:25,634 What's going on. What are you... 546 00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:27,870 Lucky I always carry one of these for emergencies. 547 00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:30,079 - No! He's... - (PIANO TWANGS) 548 00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:31,515 - Smashing my... - Stop! 549 00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:33,640 - MUM: Mr Greencock... - Throw a blind man out, hey? 550 00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:35,797 - (BANGING PIANO) - You shitting mental head! 551 00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:36,949 How about an E flat? 552 00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:38,837 - MUM: Mr Greencock! - (BANGING PIANO) 553 00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:39,955 Flattened. 554 00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:41,912 - I'm gonna kill him. - Martin, no! 555 00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:43,991 - There go the piano lessons. - Shame. 556 00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:45,559 - Everyone out. - But, Jackie. 557 00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:46,675 Everyone out. 558 00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:48,432 (BANGING PIANO) 559 00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:50,272 He's a shitting lunatic. 560 00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:51,554 I don't care any more. 561 00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:55,118 It is my night off, and we are gonna sit down as a bloody family, 562 00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:57,077 and eat our bloody duck. 563 00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:02,353 VAL: (MOANING) Oh, Larry. 564 00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:06,075 Right. 565 00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:11,309 In here. 566 00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:12,719 JIM: Excuse me. 567 00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:14,509 JIM: Um... 568 00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:16,472 Is there a towel? 569 00:22:19,500 --> 00:22:27,500 Ripped By mstoll 570 00:22:27,550 --> 00:22:32,100 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 39144

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