Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,800 --> 00:00:02,791
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
2
00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:39,713
Ow. Jonny!
3
00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:42,876
- "Please Use Side Entrance."
- (SIGHS)
4
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:44,188
- Ignore?
- Ignore.
5
00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:47,751
The carpet's been cleaned,
the carpet's been cleaned!
6
00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:49,035
(DOOR CLOSING)
7
00:00:49,480 --> 00:00:50,515
Don't ignore.
8
00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:54,875
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi.
9
00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:56,195
Oh, hello, bambinos.
10
00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:58,237
- Hot tonight isn't it?
- Scorching.
11
00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:00,197
MUM: Why didn't they read the sign?
12
00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:01,315
Mum's a bit...
13
00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:02,958
You know what she's like
where there's carpet involved.
14
00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:04,957
- Yup.
- Frankenstein with bosoms.
15
00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:08,389
Ah, ah, ah! Shoes off.
16
00:01:08,840 --> 00:01:09,875
(BOTH SIGH)
17
00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:14,273
(GROANING)
18
00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:16,153
MUM: Come and have
a look at the carpet.
19
00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:19,195
Well?
20
00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:21,512
It's definitely a carpet.
21
00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:22,874
Definitely a floor covering.
22
00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:24,439
Oh! Look how clean it is.
23
00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:26,758
Oh, that is clean.
24
00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:29,308
- Isn't it?
- Oh, you're horrible.
25
00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:31,152
And it's my night off tonight.
26
00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:32,514
Oh, yeah, so what we doing?
27
00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:33,635
Dad's not cooking is he?
28
00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:36,188
Yes, I'm making roast dustbin.
(SNEEZING)
29
00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:37,349
Oh, lovely.
30
00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:38,509
- Bless you.
- Damn you.
31
00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:39,874
We're going for Chinese.
32
00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:41,996
- Skill.
- Crispy duck, here I come.
33
00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:43,235
(SNEEZING)
34
00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:47,115
Uh, why's the fridge full of tomatoes?
35
00:01:48,080 --> 00:01:49,513
- Jesus.
- MUM: Good question.
36
00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:52,512
Martin, why is the fridge
full of tomatoes?
37
00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:53,953
Because the shop made a mistake.
38
00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:55,189
No, we've been through this.
39
00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:56,952
You made a mistake, you made a mistake.
40
00:01:57,040 --> 00:01:59,508
- I made a mistake.
- He did his first online shop.
41
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,039
Welcome to the current century.
42
00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:02,394
God, it was complicated.
43
00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:05,518
No, all you had to do was not add
two noughts after every order.
44
00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:07,033
- Excellent.
- I tell you that Internet,
45
00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:08,348
I give it three years.
46
00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:10,517
What am I gonna do
with a 100 bags of tomatoes?
47
00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:13,194
- Make a salad?
- And a 100 bottles of bleach?
48
00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:14,469
Ooh.
49
00:02:14,920 --> 00:02:15,955
Salad dressing?
50
00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:17,189
That bleach will come in handy one day.
51
00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:19,271
Martin, this is a house, not a morgue.
52
00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:20,839
Don't worry, I can fix that.
53
00:02:20,920 --> 00:02:23,912
- (GROWLING)
- Um, your winkie's showing.
54
00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:25,115
- Oh, ha.
- Dad.
55
00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:26,189
So, we going then?
56
00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:28,953
Well, when Mr Greencock gets here.
Where is he?
57
00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:30,189
ADAM: Sorry? Who?
58
00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:32,555
- Mr Greencock.
- Mr Greencock?
59
00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:33,834
Mr Green "cock"?
60
00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:35,751
Yes, I know, Mr Greencock,
61
00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:37,558
your dad's been saying
it to me the whole day.
62
00:02:37,640 --> 00:02:38,755
- A 100?
- A 100.
63
00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:40,831
- Who's Mr Greencock?
- The piano tuner.
64
00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:43,469
The piano tuner?
Sorry, are we in the wrong house?
65
00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:44,709
He was supposed to be here an hour ago
66
00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:46,472
to tune the piano,
but he hasn't turned up.
67
00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:48,395
Piano?
68
00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:53,878
Why have we got a piano?
69
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,030
- Because Dad bought it.
- I bought a piano.
70
00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:57,235
Um, why?
71
00:02:57,320 --> 00:02:59,311
Why? So I can play it, you simpleton.
72
00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:00,549
But you can't play the piano.
73
00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:01,755
Can't even hear the piano.
74
00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:03,034
- Pardon?
- Classic.
75
00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:04,669
Isn't she gorgeous?
76
00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:06,313
(PIANO PLAYING)
77
00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:07,799
(KISSING) Gorgeous.
78
00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:08,915
Oh, lads,
79
00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:10,433
do you know what the piano
tuner man's called?
80
00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:12,078
- Here we go.
- Mr Greencock.
81
00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:16,312
Yes. (LAUGHING) Mr Greencock.
It's like he's got a green...
82
00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:17,719
Yeah, we already worked that one out.
83
00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:19,229
Where is the silly sod anyway?
84
00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:21,754
I think we should just leave.
He's an hour late.
85
00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:23,718
Why won't he answer his phone?
86
00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:26,119
So how are you gonna play this then?
87
00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:27,394
Well, you're gonna teach me of course.
88
00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:28,919
Ha ha, pusface.
89
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:30,592
- Me?
- DAD: You play piano don't you?
90
00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:32,433
- Yeah, but...
- So, once a week,
91
00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:33,589
you'll come here and give me a lesson.
92
00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:36,353
Once a week?
I already come here once a week.
93
00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,636
Lovely. Are we such a burden?
94
00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:40,589
Hmm.
95
00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:42,432
- Thank you very much.
- (DOORBELL RINGING)
96
00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:44,351
(GROWLING)
97
00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:46,476
Mum, Mr Green Knob's here.
98
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:47,788
Shh.
99
00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:51,672
Can't anyone read?
It says "side entrance."
100
00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:55,679
- MUM: Hi.
- Greencock.
101
00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:57,195
Um, yes.
102
00:03:57,800 --> 00:03:59,233
Didn't you see the sign?
103
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:00,595
Have a guess.
104
00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:04,519
Oh, sorry, I didn't know you were...
105
00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:05,715
I was?
106
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:07,315
Nothing.
107
00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:08,635
Come in.
108
00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:12,397
Yes, apologies for being late.
My car wouldn't start.
109
00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:14,232
MUM: Your car?
GREENCOCK: That's right,
110
00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:15,635
I drive a Ferrari.
111
00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:18,318
Oh! (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
112
00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:20,079
GREENCOCK: No, the genius
of a bus driver
113
00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:21,559
forgot to tell me when to get off,
114
00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:23,796
so I had to take a nice walk
through a pond.
115
00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:25,229
- Hello.
- Evening.
116
00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:26,309
Hi.
117
00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:29,194
- Do you have a toilet?
- Um...
118
00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:30,755
Yes.
119
00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:32,672
And am I allowed to use it?
120
00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:36,757
Oh, of course. Here.
121
00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:41,951
Sorry, you'll have to go
upstairs, I'm afraid.
122
00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:43,389
All the way upstairs?
123
00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:45,274
It's lucky I'm not blind.
124
00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:49,069
Um, it's just down here,
up the stairs, second on the right.
125
00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:51,513
Do you need any help?
126
00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:52,835
Uh, yes.
127
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:54,793
Could you undo my flys for me?
128
00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:57,835
I thought blind people
were meant to be nice.
129
00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:00,117
They also have tremendous hearing.
130
00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:08,875
He's not sarcastic.
131
00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:10,155
My carpet.
132
00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:12,317
My lovely clean carpet.
133
00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:13,913
Your disgusting filthy carpet.
134
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,149
It's ruined, ruined!
135
00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:17,310
Why didn't you tell him
to take his shoes off?
136
00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:20,752
Sorry, how do you tell a blind man
to take his shoes off?
137
00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:21,875
With words?
138
00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:25,350
No, I'm not having him destroy
my living room. No way.
139
00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:26,953
We'll have to move the piano out. Go on.
140
00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:28,519
- Out?
- Yes into the kitchen.
141
00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:30,511
- The kitchen?
- Are you mad?
142
00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:32,830
Yes, I am mad. Go on, take it out.
143
00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:35,037
- But...
- Wheel it out.
144
00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:37,554
Wheel it? Does it have wheels?
145
00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:39,198
Um, yeah,
146
00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:40,595
but they're a bit rusty.
147
00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:41,954
Well, go on.
148
00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:43,075
Bloody hell.
149
00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:47,199
Righty-ho.
150
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:48,952
- (SQUEAKING)
- Argh.
151
00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:50,234
- Lovely sound.
- (SQUEAKING)
152
00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:51,799
- Careful.
- Dad.
153
00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:53,108
- Careful.
- Dad.
154
00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:55,358
- Don't break anything.
- We won't.
155
00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:56,668
- (STRAINING)
- (SQUEAKING CONTINUES)
156
00:05:57,480 --> 00:05:59,550
- Except our ears.
- MUM: Keep going.
157
00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:01,155
This is definitely worse than torture.
158
00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:03,037
- Careful.
- Please stop saying careful.
159
00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:06,033
- He's flushed the loo.
- Mazel Tov.
160
00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:07,155
MUM: Come on.
161
00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:10,514
- And heave.
- MUM: Oh!
162
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:12,035
Careful.
163
00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:13,954
Over there, over there.
164
00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:16,270
- (SQUEAKING)
- Come on.
165
00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:22,039
It's OK, Mum, you relax.
166
00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:31,513
- What a normal place to put a piano.
- So normal.
167
00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:33,275
He's coming back.
168
00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:36,352
- Everything OK?
- Yes.
169
00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:38,194
Apart from not being able to see.
170
00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:40,189
- Er...
- And now,
171
00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:42,272
are you gonna tell me
where the piano is,
172
00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:46,439
- or do I have to guess?
- Oh, sorry, yes. (CLEARING THROAT)
173
00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:51,036
Through here. Come on. (LAUGHING)
174
00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:53,632
The piano's...
175
00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:55,235
The piano's here.
176
00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:56,953
(PLAYING PIANO)
177
00:06:57,680 --> 00:06:58,715
This is the kitchen.
178
00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:00,792
Um, yes.
179
00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:03,113
A piano in the kitchen.
180
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:05,279
How convenient for everyone.
181
00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:07,637
GREENCOCK: Right,
let's see what we've got.
182
00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:10,314
(DOG WHINING)
183
00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:11,469
Um...
184
00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:13,229
What's your dog called?
185
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:15,158
- Piano.
- JONNY: Right.
186
00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:18,269
Is it, um, really called Piano?
187
00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:19,835
What do you think?
188
00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:22,990
So, we sort of have to go out now.
189
00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:24,911
- ADAM: Yeah.
- Had enough of me already, have you?
190
00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:26,679
What? No, not at all.
191
00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:28,155
Just, um...
192
00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:29,992
Yeah, how long will you be?
193
00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:34,070
Well, I don't know if you've noticed,
but there are quite a lot of notes here.
194
00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:37,035
OK, so we just...
195
00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:38,869
Leave you here?
196
00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:40,552
Unless you want me to
work in the garden?
197
00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:45,554
So your
198
00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:47,194
case is here.
199
00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:52,233
The kettle's behind you,
and there's milk...
200
00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:55,108
Tomatoes in the fridge.
201
00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:57,111
Thank you. I'll help myself.
202
00:07:57,600 --> 00:07:58,635
To tomatoes.
203
00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:01,071
You sure you'll be
all right on your own?
204
00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:04,029
I'll try not to set the house on fire,
but you never know.
205
00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:06,272
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
206
00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:07,869
- Bye.
- Bye.
207
00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:14,794
Bad idea to leave him here.
208
00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:16,029
- Terrible idea.
- Terrible.
209
00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:17,875
Martin, what do you think?
210
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:19,911
I think, uh...
211
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:21,435
Crispy duck.
212
00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:30,474
Seriously, how could I tell
a blind man to leave?
213
00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:31,788
With more words?
214
00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:33,835
Thank you.
215
00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:36,839
Come on, try to relax now, Jackie.
It's your night off.
216
00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:39,271
Do you have to keep saying
it's my night off?
217
00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:41,154
- You make me sound like...
- A hooker?
218
00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:44,232
- Good one.
- Yes, thank you, a hooker.
219
00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:46,595
Your mother's is not a hooker.
220
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:49,235
That's good to know.
221
00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:52,028
If she was, I'm sure
she'd do a roaring trade.
222
00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:53,519
Wouldn't you my darling? (KISSING)
223
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:56,038
Wait, isn't that Aunty Val?
224
00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:57,869
- What?
- Over there.
225
00:08:57,960 --> 00:08:59,154
- That's Aunty Val.
- Oh, yeah.
226
00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:01,870
Can't be. That not Larry she's with.
227
00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:03,712
- Who you talking about?
- Over there, Val.
228
00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:05,755
Oh, God, Val.
229
00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:07,835
Who's the bloke?
230
00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:09,952
I don't know, a colleague?
231
00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:12,349
ADAM: Friendly colleague.
232
00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:13,509
MUM: Maybe a relative?
233
00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:15,991
- Friendly relative.
- Yeah, just a bit of incest.
234
00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:17,115
Jonny.
235
00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:19,837
MUM: Who is he and
what's she doing with him?
236
00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:21,758
Being a hooker. (LAUGHING)
237
00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:23,068
Shh.
238
00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:28,075
Oh, God.
239
00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:29,354
I think I'm gonna be sick.
240
00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:31,835
She mustn't see us. She mustn't see us.
241
00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:36,598
MUM: Shit, she's seen me.
242
00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:37,715
Oh, God.
243
00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:39,959
JONNY: Stand by for awkwardness.
244
00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:42,873
The excuses start now.
245
00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:45,031
- Hi, Jackie.
- Hi, love.
246
00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:46,879
- I didn't see you...
- I didn't know you were here.
247
00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:48,394
(LAUGHING)
248
00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:50,152
MUM: Yes, yes, um...
249
00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:53,910
No, I didn't see you, here... There.
250
00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:56,910
- Neither did we. Did we boys?
- No.
251
00:09:57,280 --> 00:09:58,998
No, we didn't see you with that man.
252
00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:01,555
Oh, him.
253
00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:04,071
- Oh, he's, um...
- Hello.
254
00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:08,391
Um, this is my friend,
Jackie and her family.
255
00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:09,869
This is...
256
00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:11,389
- Jeremy.
- Philip.
257
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:14,798
- Mr Jeremy Phillips.
- That's right.
258
00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:17,032
- He's my cousin.
- MUM: Right.
259
00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:18,275
He's my third...
260
00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:19,909
- Fourth cousin.
- Cousin.
261
00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:21,795
Oh, you're cousins?
262
00:10:22,680 --> 00:10:24,318
- How nice to meet you.
- (COUGHING) Incest.
263
00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:27,631
Yeah, we're cousins and I'm visiting
London at the moment, aren't I?
264
00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:29,392
Yes, yes you are.
265
00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:32,029
Oh, London is a smashing place.
266
00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:34,279
You been to Buckingham Palace yet?
267
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,468
Yeah, no, yeah, oh, very nice. Yes.
268
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:40,678
Yeah, funny to think that that's where
the Queen's had sexual intercourse.
269
00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:42,432
(LAUGHING)
270
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:45,109
Well, very nice to meet you.
271
00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:46,949
- Phillip.
- Jeremy.
272
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:50,110
- Yes.
- So, um...
273
00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:58,193
I'm sorry, sorry. (CRYING)
274
00:10:58,280 --> 00:10:59,349
Excuse me.
275
00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:01,153
Val, Valerie.
276
00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:04,195
He seemed nice.
277
00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:07,352
Why did you have to say
sexual intercourse?
278
00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:09,795
- What?
- She can't be having an affair.
279
00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:12,436
- There must be a reason.
- It's called cock.
280
00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:13,509
Jonny.
281
00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:14,635
- Green cock.
- Adam.
282
00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:15,755
Pow.
283
00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:17,956
MUM: I hope she's all right. (SIGHS)
284
00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:20,715
I've got a voicemail
from the piano tuner.
285
00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:21,915
Really? Who is it?
286
00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:23,958
- Green bollocks.
- Oh, Green bollocks.
287
00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:26,198
Hello, Mrs Goodman,
288
00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:29,199
just wanted to know where you keep your
289
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:30,715
fire extinguisher.
290
00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:32,229
Fire extinguisher?
291
00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:34,709
- DAD: The fire extinguisher?
- He wants the fire extinguisher?
292
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:35,835
Call him back.
293
00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:38,237
I knew we shouldn't have left him there.
I knew it.
294
00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:40,557
- Why did you let him stay in our house?
- Me?
295
00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:42,478
- Well?
- He's not answering.
296
00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:45,156
What do we do? Oh, God.
297
00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:47,112
So, are you ready to order?
298
00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:49,156
The house is on fire.
The house is on fire!
299
00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:50,559
- Sorry.
- The house is on fire.
300
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:53,190
- Come on, Dad.
- But what about my crispy duck?
301
00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:58,552
Oh, God. The house is on fire.
The house is on fire!
302
00:11:58,640 --> 00:11:59,755
- Check the rooms.
- OK.
303
00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:02,513
The house is on fire. Hello?
Mr Greencock, the house is on...
304
00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:03,635
Shh.
305
00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:06,354
(PLAYING PIANO)
306
00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:08,032
- Where's the fire?
- Fire?
307
00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:10,429
Yes. Where's the bleeding fire?
308
00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:11,555
Do fires bleed?
309
00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:15,674
Mr Greencock, you left a message
asking for the fire extinguisher.
310
00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:17,113
Ah, yes.
311
00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:19,118
(PLAYING PIANO)
312
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:21,031
We tried to call.
Why didn't you call us back?
313
00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:23,588
Oh, we'd already found
the fire extinguisher by then.
314
00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:25,671
- We?
- A friend of yours apparently had
315
00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:27,159
a fire and came round to borrow it.
316
00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:28,475
- Friend?
- Which friend?
317
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:30,677
I'm afraid I didn't get
a very good look at him.
318
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,389
- Being blind.
- Oh, my God. What was his name?
319
00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:35,992
- Jim something.
- Jim?
320
00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:37,149
Jim's had a fire?
321
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:39,471
It just went up in flames.
322
00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:41,039
Woosh!
323
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:44,389
(WHISTLES) Poof!
324
00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:46,959
Your bath caught fire?
325
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:48,633
- That's right.
- How?
326
00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:50,473
I dropped a candle in it.
327
00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:53,268
- You mean your bathtub caught fire?
- Yes, yes, Martin.
328
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,949
- DAD: What the hell's it made of?
- Elm.
329
00:12:56,880 --> 00:13:00,634
That's why we hurried here for your
fire extinguisher, didn't we, Wilson?
330
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:03,079
But it was too late.
331
00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:06,670
My bath had been burnt to crisps.
332
00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:08,478
- A crisp.
- Yes, please.
333
00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:14,955
- Still nothing from Val.
- Really?
334
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:18,354
Here, Jim. You all right now?
335
00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:20,476
I'm still in a little discomfort.
336
00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:22,471
- MUM: Are you?
- Yes, my thighs...
337
00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:24,559
- Very hot.
- Oh.
338
00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:26,675
Would you like to feel them?
339
00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:28,239
It's OK, thanks.
340
00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:29,594
- (PHONE RINGING)
- Oh.
341
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:31,035
It's Val.
342
00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:36,076
Val? Oh, thank God. You OK?
343
00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:38,836
Really? She's outside.
344
00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:41,514
- Outside?
- Shitting buggery.
345
00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:42,794
Nothing love.
346
00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:48,199
Would anyone else like
to feel my hot thighs?
347
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:53,111
Oh, Val.
348
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:54,235
Oh, Jackie.
349
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:57,799
MUM: Um, Val...
350
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:02,358
- Didn't you see the sign?
- (CRYING)
351
00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:03,829
- What?
- Nothing.
352
00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:06,479
I've been a terrible wife.
353
00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:08,949
Oh, don't be silly. Come through, love.
354
00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:11,873
- No, a terrible wife.
- Of course you haven't. Come on.
355
00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:13,552
I mean, what have I done to Larry?
356
00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:15,755
Maybe not in there.
357
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:19,110
Oh, is that a piano?
358
00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:21,038
No, it's a trombone.
359
00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:23,909
He's just the piano tuner,
so shall we...
360
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:26,389
Yes, I'm just the piano tuner.
361
00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:27,834
(PLAYING PIANO)
362
00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:31,040
Let's leave him to get on.
You nearly finished?
363
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:32,758
Living, or tuning the piano?
364
00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:33,875
Either.
365
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:35,275
Come on.
366
00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:37,237
- Who's he?
- Don't ask.
367
00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:38,515
Oh, Jackie.
368
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:40,189
What have I done?
369
00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:45,878
- Aw, come on, let's go upstairs.
- No, I wanna sit down.
370
00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:47,835
But...
371
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:51,474
Eh, Aunty Val's here.
372
00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:52,835
Hi, Aunty Val.
373
00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:54,558
Hi, Aunty Val.
374
00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:56,957
Um, this is Jim, our neighbour.
375
00:14:57,040 --> 00:14:58,439
- Friend.
- Neighbour.
376
00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:00,431
- His bath caught fire.
- What?
377
00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:01,988
It was made of elm.
378
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:03,479
Yes, elm.
379
00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:05,119
Elm. (CRYING)
380
00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:07,031
Oh, look.
381
00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:09,038
Now, what can I get you?
382
00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:12,317
Actually, Jackie, would you mind
if I used your bathroom?
383
00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:13,595
Er...
384
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:15,511
You'll have to use
the one upstairs, Jim.
385
00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:16,635
JIM: Thank you, Martin.
386
00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:19,153
Wilson, remain.
387
00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:25,989
Are you all right, Valerie?
388
00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:27,514
No, not really.
389
00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:30,674
Well, if you ever need
to talk to anybody.
390
00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:34,709
- Oh, that's nice of you.
- Yes, that is nice of you, Jim.
391
00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:37,678
Um, I was gonna suggest the Samaritans.
392
00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:42,513
It was only one kiss.
393
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:44,393
We didn't even use tongues.
394
00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:45,799
- Bye, Aunty.
- Bye.
395
00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:53,390
Sorry, but how long now for our food?
We will die of hunger.
396
00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:56,753
- Thank you.
- Well?
397
00:15:57,280 --> 00:16:01,239
- Five minutes.
- Five more minutes for my crispy duck?
398
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:04,758
- I'm not sure I can hold out that long.
- Well, you could always chew on a rake.
399
00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:06,512
And there's some delicious compost.
400
00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:07,828
(GRUMBLES)
401
00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:09,755
Bleeding wallies.
402
00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:13,315
Do you think it's safe to go in now?
403
00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:14,435
Are you mad?
404
00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:17,434
Two women talking about emotions?
405
00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:19,112
All right.
I just thought they might be finished.
406
00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:20,952
Finished? When are women finished?
407
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:23,718
You've really got a lot to learn.
408
00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:27,310
Oh, I know what'll tide me over.
409
00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:33,273
- Glue?
- Not glue, you moron. Fish paste.
410
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:35,639
- Fish paste?
- Can I have some?
411
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:38,316
You're gonna squeeze that directly
into your mouth now, aren't you?
412
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:39,435
I am.
413
00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:41,029
Mmm.
414
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:42,917
- Dad.
- It stinks.
415
00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:44,879
I wish your mother would have an affair.
416
00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:48,033
Then I could spend all day in here
scoffing this lovely stuff.
417
00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:50,156
You carry on eating that,
she will have an affair.
418
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:53,391
There you are. You better come...
419
00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:55,793
Ugh, what is that smell?
420
00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:57,593
The inside of Dad's mouth.
421
00:16:57,880 --> 00:17:00,030
Oh, not that horrible stuff again.
422
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:01,269
You don't know what you're missing.
423
00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:03,714
You better come inside.
424
00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:05,109
Larry's turned up.
425
00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:06,475
Sorry?
426
00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:08,119
Val's husband. He's here.
427
00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:09,915
And he's not happy.
428
00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:14,636
Who is it? Who have you been seeing?
429
00:17:15,080 --> 00:17:17,275
Look, I've already told you,
I don't know what you're talking about.
430
00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:19,078
I'm not a bloody idiot, Valerie!
431
00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:21,676
Uh, hello, Martin, boys.
432
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:24,838
- Hi, Uncle Larry.
- All right, Larry, been busy?
433
00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:26,395
What?
434
00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:27,959
Yes, quite.
435
00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:29,712
Well, it's good to be busy,
436
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:32,479
what with the
financial situation at the...
437
00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:34,232
- Martin.
- Sorry. Carry on.
438
00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,550
- Well?
- Well, what? I told you, I...
439
00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:39,518
All right, can someone please tell me
what my wife's been up to?
440
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:40,995
Um.
441
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:42,995
Jackie?
442
00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:45,511
Would you mind taking your shoes off?
443
00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:47,835
What!
444
00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:48,955
Um...
445
00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:52,032
If you could all make a bit more noise.
Thank you.
446
00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:54,319
- Who's that?
- Oh, that's...
447
00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:55,435
- Is that him?
- What?
448
00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:56,748
Is that your fancy man?
449
00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:58,876
- Don't be silly, Larry.
- Larry, that's...
450
00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:01,030
- Right.
- Uncle Larry!
451
00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:03,437
OK, you. Have you been seeing my wife?
452
00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:04,873
- Come on, Larry.
- MUM: Larry.
453
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:07,633
Well, technically that
would be quite difficult.
454
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,148
Smartarse are you?
455
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:10,639
- Yup.
- He's blind.
456
00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:12,551
- Oh, you noticed.
- Oh, shut up.
457
00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:13,755
Yes, shut up.
458
00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:16,952
OK, is it Martin?
459
00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:18,355
What?
460
00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:20,795
Have you been having
an affair with Martin?
461
00:18:21,520 --> 00:18:24,273
(LAUGHING) Oh, don't be daft.
462
00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:26,119
What's so funny?
463
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:28,273
- By the way, it wasn't me.
- Nor me.
464
00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:30,872
- No, I know what you're up to.
- Oh, what?
465
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,837
You're hiding him in this bloody house.
466
00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:35,119
I'll find him!
467
00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:36,953
- Larry, please.
- MUM: No!
468
00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:38,837
- Relaxing evening.
- Mum's night off.
469
00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:40,831
- VAL: Larry! Larry!
- Oh, God.
470
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:44,071
You know, you really must invite me
to one of your dinner parties.
471
00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:45,315
LARRY: There he is!
472
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:48,554
LARRY: Come on get up,
fight like a man.
473
00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:49,755
VAL: Larry, please.
474
00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:52,276
What's going... Jim?
475
00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:54,318
- Oh, dear.
- Think I'm stupid, do you?
476
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:56,595
Hiding your fancy man
under all those bubbles, eh?
477
00:18:56,680 --> 00:18:58,511
Larry, he's their neighbour.
478
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:00,397
- Rubbish.
- Uncle Larry, that is our neighbour.
479
00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:01,708
- Friend.
- He's a neighbour.
480
00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:03,153
Jim, what are you doing in there?
481
00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:05,152
You said I could use your bathroom.
482
00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:06,559
Not to take a bath.
483
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:08,153
Must have got confused.
484
00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:09,549
His bath caught fire.
485
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:12,269
- What?
- It was made of elm.
486
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:13,952
- Elm?
- Elm.
487
00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:18,318
Val, Larry, maybe you two should
have a quiet chat downstairs, yeah?
488
00:19:18,880 --> 00:19:19,915
Come along, Valerie.
489
00:19:20,280 --> 00:19:21,349
Time to have a little talk.
490
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:24,913
Well done, love. (KISSING)
491
00:19:25,240 --> 00:19:27,037
Yes, well done, love.
492
00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:29,195
Jim, maybe you should...
493
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:31,675
Of course, I'll get out now, Jackie.
494
00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:32,795
No!
495
00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:36,349
Bloody hell.
496
00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:37,509
(PHONE RINGING)
497
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:40,592
- Oh, that's gotta be the crispy duck.
- No, it's my phone.
498
00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:42,558
Ugh, God.
499
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:44,273
It's Green bollocks.
500
00:19:44,360 --> 00:19:46,396
Why's he phoning from downstairs?
501
00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:47,955
Hello?
502
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:49,595
What?
503
00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:53,160
He said, "Do we have
another fire extinguisher?"
504
00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:56,630
The house is on fire,
the house is on fire!
505
00:19:56,880 --> 00:19:58,074
MUM: The house is on fire.
506
00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:01,110
- MUM: What happened? What happened?
- What?
507
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,315
Where's the fire?
508
00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:03,954
- GREENCOCK: The fire?
- Yes.
509
00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:05,434
Oh, it was nothing.
510
00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:07,518
Just a little joke. (LAUGHING)
511
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:11,391
No, I've finished actually,
so if you could pay me.
512
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:12,715
A joke?
513
00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:13,835
That's right.
514
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:15,435
ADAM: Mum?
515
00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:16,555
- Mum?
- Jackie?
516
00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:18,959
You are leaving.
517
00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:21,351
That's it, throw a blind man out.
518
00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:24,000
Oh, we're throwing a
blind man out, all right.
519
00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:25,638
- Um, number 23?
- ADAM: Thanks.
520
00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:28,878
And just so you know,
sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.
521
00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:30,075
Is it really?
522
00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:31,798
- Ugh.
- Come on, Piano.
523
00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:34,873
GREENCOCK: Wonderful hospitality.
524
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:35,995
JONNY: You're welcome.
525
00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:38,795
Ugh.
526
00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:40,559
It's OK, love, he's gone now.
527
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:42,835
- Yeah.
- His dog really was called Piano.
528
00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:45,196
- So, food?
- Food.
529
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:47,118
I wasn't too horrible to him, was I?
530
00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:48,435
What?
531
00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:50,715
Jackie, the guy was a
massive mental head.
532
00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:51,915
Yeah.
533
00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:53,913
Oh, I feel bad.
534
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:55,228
Stop it, Mum, come on.
535
00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:57,550
But he was blind, and we
just threw him out the house.
536
00:20:57,640 --> 00:20:59,995
Jackie, the sodding food's
getting cold, all right?
537
00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:03,516
Maybe we should, like, call him
a taxi or something, yes.
538
00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:07,677
OK. You're gonna bloody listen to me.
539
00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:10,793
All night bloody long I've been waiting
for a bloody bit of crispy duck.
540
00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:11,915
- Me too.
- And me.
541
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:13,149
DAD: And now it's bloody here,
542
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:16,232
we're gonna eat this bloody duck
as a bloody family, do you understand?
543
00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:17,989
(PIANO STRINGS TWANGING)
544
00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:20,192
- (BASHING)
- What was...
545
00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:25,634
What's going on. What are you...
546
00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:27,870
Lucky I always carry one of
these for emergencies.
547
00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:30,079
- No! He's...
- (PIANO TWANGS)
548
00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:31,515
- Smashing my...
- Stop!
549
00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:33,640
- MUM: Mr Greencock...
- Throw a blind man out, hey?
550
00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:35,797
- (BANGING PIANO)
- You shitting mental head!
551
00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:36,949
How about an E flat?
552
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:38,837
- MUM: Mr Greencock!
- (BANGING PIANO)
553
00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:39,955
Flattened.
554
00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:41,912
- I'm gonna kill him.
- Martin, no!
555
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:43,991
- There go the piano lessons.
- Shame.
556
00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:45,559
- Everyone out.
- But, Jackie.
557
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:46,675
Everyone out.
558
00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:48,432
(BANGING PIANO)
559
00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:50,272
He's a shitting lunatic.
560
00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:51,554
I don't care any more.
561
00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:55,118
It is my night off, and we are gonna
sit down as a bloody family,
562
00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:57,077
and eat our bloody duck.
563
00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:02,353
VAL: (MOANING) Oh, Larry.
564
00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:06,075
Right.
565
00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:11,309
In here.
566
00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:12,719
JIM: Excuse me.
567
00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:14,509
JIM: Um...
568
00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:16,472
Is there a towel?
569
00:22:19,500 --> 00:22:27,500
Ripped By mstoll
570
00:22:27,550 --> 00:22:32,100
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
39144
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.