Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Ow. Jonny!

- "Please Use Side Entrance." - (SIGHS)

- Ignore? - Ignore.

The carpet's been cleaned, the carpet's been cleaned!

(DOOR CLOSING)

Don't ignore.

- Hi, Dad. - Hi.

Oh, hello, bambinos.

- Hot tonight isn't it? - Scorching.

MUM: Why didn't they read the sign?

Mum's a bit...

You know what she's like where there's carpet involved.

- Yup. - Frankenstein with bosoms.

Ah, ah, ah! Shoes off.

(BOTH SIGH)

(GROANING)

MUM: Come and have a look at the carpet.

Well?

It's definitely a carpet.

Definitely a floor covering.

Oh! Look how clean it is.

Oh, that is clean.

- Isn't it? - Oh, you're horrible.

And it's my night off tonight.

Oh, yeah, so what we doing?

Dad's not cooking is he?

Yes, I'm making roast dustbin. (SNEEZING)

Oh, lovely.

- Bless you. - Damn you.

We're going for Chinese.

- Skill. - Crispy duck, here I come.

(SNEEZING)

Uh, why's the fridge full of tomatoes?

- Jesus. - MUM: Good question.

Martin, why is the fridge full of tomatoes?

Because the shop made a mistake.

No, we've been through this.

You made a mistake, you made a mistake.

- I made a mistake. - He did his first online shop.

Welcome to the current century.

God, it was complicated.

No, all you had to do was not add two noughts after every order.

- Excellent. - I tell you that Internet,

I give it three years.

What am I gonna do with a 100 bags of tomatoes?

- Make a salad? - And a 100 bottles of bleach?

Ooh.

Salad dressing?

That bleach will come in handy one day.

Martin, this is a house, not a morgue.

Don't worry, I can fix that.

- (GROWLING) - Um, your winkie's showing.

- Oh, ha. - Dad.

So, we going then?

Well, when Mr Greencock gets here. Where is he?

ADAM: Sorry? Who?

- Mr Greencock. - Mr Greencock?

Mr Green "cock"?

Yes, I know, Mr Greencock,

your dad's been saying it to me the whole day.

- A 100? - A 100.

- Who's Mr Greencock? - The piano tuner.

The piano tuner? Sorry, are we in the wrong house?

He was supposed to be here an hour ago

to tune the piano, but he hasn't turned up.

Piano?

Why have we got a piano?

- Because Dad bought it. - I bought a piano.

Um, why?

Why? So I can play it, you simpleton.

But you can't play the piano.

Can't even hear the piano.

- Pardon? - Classic.

Isn't she gorgeous?

(PIANO PLAYING)

(KISSING) Gorgeous.

Oh, lads,

do you know what the piano tuner man's called?

- Here we go. - Mr Greencock.

Yes. (LAUGHING) Mr Greencock. It's like he's got a green...

Yeah, we already worked that one out.

Where is the silly sod anyway?

I think we should just leave. He's an hour late.

Why won't he answer his phone?

So how are you gonna play this then?

Well, you're gonna teach me of course.

Ha ha, pusface.

- Me? - DAD: You play piano don't you?

- Yeah, but... - So, once a week,

you'll come here and give me a lesson.

Once a week? I already come here once a week.

Lovely. Are we such a burden?

Hmm.

- Thank you very much. - (DOORBELL RINGING)

(GROWLING)

Mum, Mr Green Knob's here.

Shh.

Can't anyone read? It says "side entrance."

- MUM: Hi. - Greencock.

Um, yes.

Didn't you see the sign?

Have a guess.

Oh, sorry, I didn't know you were...

I was?

Nothing.

Come in.

Yes, apologies for being late. My car wouldn't start.

MUM: Your car? GREENCOCK: That's right,

I drive a Ferrari.

Oh! (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

GREENCOCK: No, the genius of a bus driver

forgot to tell me when to get off,

so I had to take a nice walk through a pond.

- Hello. - Evening.

Hi.

- Do you have a toilet? - Um...

Yes.

And am I allowed to use it?

Oh, of course. Here.

Sorry, you'll have to go upstairs, I'm afraid.

All the way upstairs?

It's lucky I'm not blind.

Um, it's just down here, up the stairs, second on the right.

Do you need any help?

Uh, yes.

Could you undo my flys for me?

I thought blind people were meant to be nice.

They also have tremendous hearing.

He's not sarcastic.

My carpet.

My lovely clean carpet.

Your disgusting filthy carpet.

It's ruined, ruined!

Why didn't you tell him to take his shoes off?

Sorry, how do you tell a blind man to take his shoes off?

With words?

No, I'm not having him destroy my living room. No way.

We'll have to move the piano out. Go on.

- Out? - Yes into the kitchen.

- The kitchen? - Are you mad?

Yes, I am mad. Go on, take it out.

- But... - Wheel it out.

Wheel it? Does it have wheels?

Um, yeah,

but they're a bit rusty.

Well, go on.

Bloody hell.

Righty-ho.

- (SQUEAKING) - Argh.

- Lovely sound. - (SQUEAKING)

- Careful. - Dad.

- Careful. - Dad.

- Don't break anything. - We won't.

- (STRAINING) - (SQUEAKING CONTINUES)

- Except our ears. - MUM: Keep going.

This is definitely worse than torture.

- Careful. - Please stop saying careful.

- He's flushed the loo. - Mazel Tov.

MUM: Come on.

- And heave. - MUM: Oh!

Careful.

Over there, over there.

- (SQUEAKING) - Come on.

It's OK, Mum, you relax.

- What a normal place to put a piano. - So normal.

He's coming back.

- Everything OK? - Yes.

Apart from not being able to see.

- Er... - And now,

are you gonna tell me where the piano is,

- or do I have to guess? - Oh, sorry, yes. (CLEARING THROAT)

Through here. Come on. (LAUGHING)

The piano's...

The piano's here.

(PLAYING PIANO)

This is the kitchen.

Um, yes.

A piano in the kitchen.

How convenient for everyone.

GREENCOCK: Right, let's see what we've got.

(DOG WHINING)

Um...

What's your dog called?

- Piano. - JONNY: Right.

Is it, um, really called Piano?

What do you think?

So, we sort of have to go out now.

- ADAM: Yeah. - Had enough of me already, have you?

What? No, not at all.

Just, um...

Yeah, how long will you be?

Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but there are quite a lot of notes here.

OK, so we just...

Leave you here?

Unless you want me to work in the garden?

So your

case is here.

The kettle's behind you, and there's milk...

Tomatoes in the fridge.

Thank you. I'll help myself.

To tomatoes.

You sure you'll be all right on your own?

I'll try not to set the house on fire, but you never know.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

- Bye. - Bye.

Bad idea to leave him here.

- Terrible idea. - Terrible.

Martin, what do you think?

I think, uh...

Crispy duck.

Seriously, how could I tell a blind man to leave?

With more words?

Thank you.

Come on, try to relax now, Jackie. It's your night off.

Do you have to keep saying it's my night off?

- You make me sound like... - A hooker?

- Good one. - Yes, thank you, a hooker.

Your mother's is not a hooker.

That's good to know.

If she was, I'm sure she'd do a roaring trade.

Wouldn't you my darling? (KISSING)

Wait, isn't that Aunty Val?

- What? - Over there.

- That's Aunty Val. - Oh, yeah.

Can't be. That not Larry she's with.

- Who you talking about? - Over there, Val.

Oh, God, Val.

Who's the bloke?

I don't know, a colleague?

ADAM: Friendly colleague.

MUM: Maybe a relative?

- Friendly relative. - Yeah, just a bit of incest.

Jonny.

MUM: Who is he and what's she doing with him?

Being a hooker. (LAUGHING)

Shh.

Oh, God.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

She mustn't see us. She mustn't see us.

MUM: Shit, she's seen me.

Oh, God.

JONNY: Stand by for awkwardness.

The excuses start now.

- Hi, Jackie. - Hi, love.

- I didn't see you... - I didn't know you were here.

(LAUGHING)

MUM: Yes, yes, um...

No, I didn't see you, here... There.

- Neither did we. Did we boys? - No.

No, we didn't see you with that man.

Oh, him.

- Oh, he's, um... - Hello.

Um, this is my friend, Jackie and her family.

This is...

- Jeremy. - Philip.

- Mr Jeremy Phillips. - That's right.

- He's my cousin. - MUM: Right.

He's my third...

- Fourth cousin. - Cousin.

Oh, you're cousins?

- How nice to meet you. - (COUGHING) Incest.

Yeah, we're cousins and I'm visiting London at the moment, aren't I?

Yes, yes you are.

Oh, London is a smashing place.

You been to Buckingham Palace yet?

Yeah, no, yeah, oh, very nice. Yes.

Yeah, funny to think that that's where the Queen's had sexual intercourse.

(LAUGHING)

Well, very nice to meet you.

- Phillip. - Jeremy.

- Yes. - So, um...

I'm sorry, sorry. (CRYING)

Excuse me.

Val, Valerie.

He seemed nice.

Why did you have to say sexual intercourse?

- What? - She can't be having an affair.

- There must be a reason. - It's called cock.

Jonny.

- Green cock. - Adam.

Pow.

MUM: I hope she's all right. (SIGHS)

I've got a voicemail from the piano tuner.

Really? Who is it?

- Green bollocks. - Oh, Green bollocks.

Hello, Mrs Goodman,

just wanted to know where you keep your

fire extinguisher.

Fire extinguisher?

- DAD: The fire extinguisher? - He wants the fire extinguisher?

Call him back.

I knew we shouldn't have left him there. I knew it.

- Why did you let him stay in our house? - Me?

- Well? - He's not answering.

What do we do? Oh, God.

So, are you ready to order?

The house is on fire. The house is on fire!

- Sorry. - The house is on fire.

- Come on, Dad. - But what about my crispy duck?

Oh, God. The house is on fire. The house is on fire!

- Check the rooms. - OK.

The house is on fire. Hello? Mr Greencock, the house is on...

Shh.

(PLAYING PIANO)

- Where's the fire? - Fire?

Yes. Where's the bleeding fire?

Do fires bleed?

Mr Greencock, you left a message asking for the fire extinguisher.

Ah, yes.

(PLAYING PIANO)

We tried to call. Why didn't you call us back?

Oh, we'd already found the fire extinguisher by then.

- We? - A friend of yours apparently had

a fire and came round to borrow it.

- Friend? - Which friend?

I'm afraid I didn't get a very good look at him.

- Being blind. - Oh, my God. What was his name?

- Jim something. - Jim?

Jim's had a fire?

It just went up in flames.

Woosh!

(WHISTLES) Poof!

Your bath caught fire?

- That's right. - How?

I dropped a candle in it.

- You mean your bathtub caught fire? - Yes, yes, Martin.

- DAD: What the hell's it made of? - Elm.

That's why we hurried here for your fire extinguisher, didn't we, Wilson?

But it was too late.

My bath had been burnt to crisps.

- A crisp. - Yes, please.

- Still nothing from Val. - Really?

Here, Jim. You all right now?

I'm still in a little discomfort.

- MUM: Are you? - Yes, my thighs...

- Very hot. - Oh.

Would you like to feel them?

It's OK, thanks.

- (PHONE RINGING) - Oh.

It's Val.

Val? Oh, thank God. You OK?

Really? She's outside.

- Outside? - Shitting buggery.

Nothing love.

Would anyone else like to feel my hot thighs?

Oh, Val.

Oh, Jackie.

MUM: Um, Val...

- Didn't you see the sign? - (CRYING)

- What? - Nothing.

I've been a terrible wife.

Oh, don't be silly. Come through, love.

- No, a terrible wife. - Of course you haven't. Come on.

I mean, what have I done to Larry?

Maybe not in there.

Oh, is that a piano?

No, it's a trombone.

He's just the piano tuner, so shall we...

Yes, I'm just the piano tuner.

(PLAYING PIANO)

Let's leave him to get on. You nearly finished?

Living, or tuning the piano?

Either.

Come on.

- Who's he? - Don't ask.

Oh, Jackie.

What have I done?

- Aw, come on, let's go upstairs. - No, I wanna sit down.

But...

Eh, Aunty Val's here.

Hi, Aunty Val.

Hi, Aunty Val.

Um, this is Jim, our neighbour.

- Friend. - Neighbour.

- His bath caught fire. - What?

It was made of elm.

Yes, elm.

Elm. (CRYING)

Oh, look.

Now, what can I get you?

Actually, Jackie, would you mind if I used your bathroom?

Er...

You'll have to use the one upstairs, Jim.

JIM: Thank you, Martin.

Wilson, remain.

Are you all right, Valerie?

No, not really.

Well, if you ever need to talk to anybody.

- Oh, that's nice of you. - Yes, that is nice of you, Jim.

Um, I was gonna suggest the Samaritans.

It was only one kiss.

We didn't even use tongues.

- Bye, Aunty. - Bye.

Sorry, but how long now for our food? We will die of hunger.

- Thank you. - Well?

- Five minutes. - Five more minutes for my crispy duck?

- I'm not sure I can hold out that long. - Well, you could always chew on a rake.

And there's some delicious compost.

(GRUMBLES)

Bleeding wallies.

Do you think it's safe to go in now?

Are you mad?

Two women talking about emotions?

All right. I just thought they might be finished.

Finished? When are women finished?

You've really got a lot to learn.

Oh, I know what'll tide me over.

- Glue? - Not glue, you moron. Fish paste.

- Fish paste? - Can I have some?

You're gonna squeeze that directly into your mouth now, aren't you?

I am.

Mmm.

- Dad. - It stinks.

I wish your mother would have an affair.

Then I could spend all day in here scoffing this lovely stuff.

You carry on eating that, she will have an affair.

There you are. You better come...

Ugh, what is that smell?

The inside of Dad's mouth.

Oh, not that horrible stuff again.

You don't know what you're missing.

You better come inside.

Larry's turned up.

Sorry?

Val's husband. He's here.

And he's not happy.

Who is it? Who have you been seeing?

Look, I've already told you, I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm not a bloody idiot, Valerie!

Uh, hello, Martin, boys.

- Hi, Uncle Larry. - All right, Larry, been busy?

What?

Yes, quite.

Well, it's good to be busy,

what with the financial situation at the...

- Martin. - Sorry. Carry on.

- Well? - Well, what? I told you, I...

All right, can someone please tell me what my wife's been up to?

Um.

Jackie?

Would you mind taking your shoes off?

What!

Um...

If you could all make a bit more noise. Thank you.

- Who's that? - Oh, that's...

- Is that him? - What?

Is that your fancy man?

- Don't be silly, Larry. - Larry, that's...

- Right. - Uncle Larry!

OK, you. Have you been seeing my wife?

- Come on, Larry. - MUM: Larry.

Well, technically that would be quite difficult.

Smartarse are you?

- Yup. - He's blind.

- Oh, you noticed. - Oh, shut up.

Yes, shut up.

OK, is it Martin?

What?

Have you been having an affair with Martin?

(LAUGHING) Oh, don't be daft.

What's so funny?

- By the way, it wasn't me. - Nor me.

- No, I know what you're up to. - Oh, what?

You're hiding him in this bloody house.

I'll find him!

- Larry, please. - MUM: No!

- Relaxing evening. - Mum's night off.

- VAL: Larry! Larry! - Oh, God.

You know, you really must invite me to one of your dinner parties.

LARRY: There he is!

LARRY: Come on get up, fight like a man.

VAL: Larry, please.

What's going... Jim?

- Oh, dear. - Think I'm stupid, do you?

Hiding your fancy man under all those bubbles, eh?

Larry, he's their neighbour.

- Rubbish. - Uncle Larry, that is our neighbour.

- Friend. - He's a neighbour.

Jim, what are you doing in there?

You said I could use your bathroom.

Not to take a bath.

Must have got confused.

His bath caught fire.

- What? - It was made of elm.

- Elm? - Elm.

Val, Larry, maybe you two should have a quiet chat downstairs, yeah?

Come along, Valerie.

Time to have a little talk.

Well done, love. (KISSING)

Yes, well done, love.

Jim, maybe you should...

Of course, I'll get out now, Jackie.

No!

Bloody hell.

(PHONE RINGING)

- Oh, that's gotta be the crispy duck. - No, it's my phone.

Ugh, God.

It's Green bollocks.

Why's he phoning from downstairs?

Hello?

What?

He said, "Do we have another fire extinguisher?"

The house is on fire, the house is on fire!

MUM: The house is on fire.

- MUM: What happened? What happened? - What?

Where's the fire?

- GREENCOCK: The fire? - Yes.

Oh, it was nothing.

Just a little joke. (LAUGHING)

No, I've finished actually, so if you could pay me.

A joke?

That's right.

ADAM: Mum?

- Mum? - Jackie?

You are leaving.

That's it, throw a blind man out.

Oh, we're throwing a blind man out, all right.

- Um, number 23? - ADAM: Thanks.

And just so you know, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.

Is it really?

- Ugh. - Come on, Piano.

GREENCOCK: Wonderful hospitality.

JONNY: You're welcome.

Ugh.

It's OK, love, he's gone now.

- Yeah. - His dog really was called Piano.

- So, food? - Food.

I wasn't too horrible to him, was I?

What?

Jackie, the guy was a massive mental head.

Yeah.

Oh, I feel bad.

Stop it, Mum, come on.

But he was blind, and we just threw him out the house.

Jackie, the sodding food's getting cold, all right?

Maybe we should, like, call him a taxi or something, yes.

OK. You're gonna bloody listen to me.

All night bloody long I've been waiting for a bloody bit of crispy duck.

- Me too. - And me.

DAD: And now it's bloody here,

we're gonna eat this bloody duck as a bloody family, do you understand?

(PIANO STRINGS TWANGING)

- (BASHING) - What was...

What's going on. What are you...

Lucky I always carry one of these for emergencies.

- No! He's... - (PIANO TWANGS)

- Smashing my... - Stop!

- MUM: Mr Greencock... - Throw a blind man out, hey?

- (BANGING PIANO) - You shitting mental head!

How about an E flat?

- MUM: Mr Greencock! - (BANGING PIANO)

Flattened.

- I'm gonna kill him. - Martin, no!

- There go the piano lessons. - Shame.

- Everyone out. - But, Jackie.

Everyone out.

(BANGING PIANO)

He's a shitting lunatic.

I don't care any more.

It is my night off, and we are gonna sit down as a bloody family,

and eat our bloody duck.

VAL: (MOANING) Oh, Larry.

Right.

In here.

JIM: Excuse me.

JIM: Um...

Is there a towel?

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