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1
00:00:03,170 --> 00:00:05,013
Evan, that's too much soy milk.
2
00:00:07,842 --> 00:00:08,740
[Knife clatters]
3
00:00:08,809 --> 00:00:10,242
We both know where this leads.
4
00:00:10,311 --> 00:00:13,045
You add too much milk,
then you'll add more cereal.
5
00:00:13,113 --> 00:00:14,813
Then you'll need more milk,
and where does it end?
6
00:00:14,915 --> 00:00:17,249
But dry Alpha-Bits taste gross.
7
00:00:17,318 --> 00:00:18,317
When I was your age,
8
00:00:18,419 --> 00:00:20,219
I had to soften my
cereal with rainwater.
9
00:00:20,254 --> 00:00:22,087
Emery, you only need one comb!
10
00:00:23,491 --> 00:00:25,324
But they all have a specific use.
11
00:00:25,426 --> 00:00:26,758
Pick one!
12
00:00:26,861 --> 00:00:28,627
Pick?
13
00:00:29,192 --> 00:00:30,529
Oh, no.
14
00:00:31,499 --> 00:00:33,532
Eddie, stop reading that trash.
15
00:00:33,601 --> 00:00:35,200
How does she always know?
16
00:00:35,269 --> 00:00:37,469
If I have to come in there,
it's gonna be worse for you.
17
00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:40,873
But I'm reading about King
Crawdad's amazing backstory!
18
00:00:41,531 --> 00:00:43,819
He's also a deacon.
19
00:00:45,613 --> 00:00:47,913
S03E18
Time to Get Ill
20
00:00:48,015 --> 00:00:49,081
Fresh off the boat
21
00:00:49,183 --> 00:00:50,782
I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go
22
00:00:50,885 --> 00:00:53,118
If you don't know,
homey, now you know
23
00:00:53,187 --> 00:00:54,386
Fresh off the boat
24
00:00:54,455 --> 00:00:56,688
Homey,
you don't know where I come from
25
00:00:56,790 --> 00:00:58,156
But I know where I'm goin'
26
00:00:58,259 --> 00:00:59,270
I'm fresh off the boat
27
00:00:59,355 --> 00:01:00,990
sync and corrected by ninh
www.addic7ed.com
28
00:01:01,028 --> 00:01:02,995
The apples in here are for you,
not your teachers.
29
00:01:03,097 --> 00:01:05,397
Their lives are easy enough
without also getting free food.
30
00:01:05,466 --> 00:01:06,081
Mom, did you remember to...
31
00:01:06,144 --> 00:01:07,579
Yes, I made your sandwich
with double mustard.
32
00:01:07,635 --> 00:01:09,034
And you'll return "Return of the King"?
33
00:01:09,136 --> 00:01:11,403
Emery, is your stutter back? Good.
34
00:01:11,505 --> 00:01:13,839
Your struggle will come in handy
when we write your college essay.
35
00:01:13,941 --> 00:01:15,007
"Return of the King" is the last book
36
00:01:15,109 --> 00:01:16,742
in "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy.
37
00:01:16,810 --> 00:01:18,777
I got it at the library,
and it's due back today.
38
00:01:18,879 --> 00:01:20,579
Oh, those books about
the hairy-footed children
39
00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:22,114
who can't keep track of their jewelry?
40
00:01:22,182 --> 00:01:23,882
Yes, I will return it.
41
00:01:24,254 --> 00:01:25,751
Evan,
you can't wear those sandals to school!
42
00:01:25,819 --> 00:01:27,352
You might stub your toe on a rock.
43
00:01:27,454 --> 00:01:28,720
Highly unlikely, Mommy.
[Door opens, closes]
44
00:01:28,789 --> 00:01:30,989
These sandals are made
for climbing rocks.
45
00:01:31,058 --> 00:01:32,257
They're rock-friendly.
46
00:01:32,359 --> 00:01:34,126
You know who else thought
he was safe in sandals?
47
00:01:34,228 --> 00:01:35,963
Your buddy Jesus. Change 'em up.
48
00:01:39,366 --> 00:01:41,033
The one with the cowboys.
49
00:01:41,135 --> 00:01:43,468
- They both ha...
- The handsome cowboys.
50
00:01:43,571 --> 00:01:45,504
Mm. Sorry, guys. [Chuckles]
51
00:01:45,573 --> 00:01:46,705
Big day at work...
52
00:01:46,807 --> 00:01:49,041
Getting a delivery of
three dozen racks of ribs.
53
00:01:49,143 --> 00:01:51,577
That's 468 individual ribs.
54
00:01:51,679 --> 00:01:52,945
Well, I already fed the boys breakfast.
55
00:01:53,047 --> 00:01:54,046
I got them off to school.
56
00:01:54,148 --> 00:01:55,647
Now I just have to clean up the house,
57
00:01:55,716 --> 00:01:57,149
do laundry, pick up the dry-cleaning,
58
00:01:57,251 --> 00:01:59,251
hit the library,
and then try on my wedding dress.
59
00:01:59,353 --> 00:02:02,054
I try it on once a year to make
sure I'm still the same size.
60
00:02:02,156 --> 00:02:04,022
My tux still fits, but my shoes don't.
61
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:05,991
- I can't explain it.
- Then Honey's picking me up.
62
00:02:06,093 --> 00:02:08,160
We're gonna go stage a house
we just put on the market.
63
00:02:08,262 --> 00:02:10,996
I listed the price way too
high to generate a buzz.
64
00:02:11,098 --> 00:02:12,297
You're a machine, Jessica.
65
00:02:12,399 --> 00:02:13,832
I am...
66
00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:16,802
A machine with a heart,
a heart that pumps efficiency.
67
00:02:16,904 --> 00:02:17,903
[Sneezes]
68
00:02:20,224 --> 00:02:21,761
No "bless you"?
69
00:02:22,908 --> 00:02:24,343
I'll remember that.
70
00:02:29,283 --> 00:02:31,817
You guys won't believe the
magazine I snuck into school.
71
00:02:31,885 --> 00:02:32,751
- Get out. No way.
- Stop.
72
00:02:32,853 --> 00:02:34,086
Is this really happening?
73
00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:35,320
Oh, it's happening.
74
00:02:38,792 --> 00:02:39,891
[Chuckles] Yes!
75
00:02:39,994 --> 00:02:41,393
What kind of sick joke is this?
76
00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:42,894
Fish Head Jackson.
77
00:02:42,963 --> 00:02:44,696
I can't believe he's defending
his belt tomorrow night
78
00:02:44,798 --> 00:02:46,298
here in Orlando,
and we're not gonna be there.
79
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:47,966
Against King Crawdad...
80
00:02:48,035 --> 00:02:50,068
"The Battle of the Swamp Creatures."
81
00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:53,772
It's on pay-per-view,
but they're charging $59.99 for it.
82
00:02:53,874 --> 00:02:54,740
[All whistle]
83
00:02:54,842 --> 00:02:56,274
Those are Toni Braxton prices.
84
00:02:56,377 --> 00:02:58,944
Big Wrestling stopped caring
about the common man years ago.
85
00:02:59,013 --> 00:03:01,380
I'd love to go,
but there's no way my mom says yes...
86
00:03:01,482 --> 00:03:03,015
Way too much fake violence.
87
00:03:03,083 --> 00:03:04,650
Yeah, my mom's against it, too.
88
00:03:04,752 --> 00:03:05,984
She won't admit it,
89
00:03:06,086 --> 00:03:09,067
but I'm pretty sure Fish
Head Jackson's my dad.
90
00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:11,957
Yeah,
I can swing a steel chair super hard.
91
00:03:12,059 --> 00:03:13,829
Where do you think I get that from?
92
00:03:18,098 --> 00:03:19,731
What are you talking about?!
93
00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:22,634
Fish Head Jackson absolutely
takes down King Crawdad.
94
00:03:22,736 --> 00:03:24,569
The guy owns the squared circle.
95
00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:25,704
[Quietly] Yes.
96
00:03:25,806 --> 00:03:27,939
You got to be drunk to think that.
97
00:03:28,008 --> 00:03:31,410
King Crawdad has the best
turnbuckle game in the business.
98
00:03:31,478 --> 00:03:33,478
Here come the insults.
99
00:03:33,580 --> 00:03:35,614
Okay, there's a lot of things
I have to be drunk for,
100
00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:36,882
but this is not one of them.
101
00:03:36,984 --> 00:03:38,350
Then you're a fool.
102
00:03:38,452 --> 00:03:41,453
Oh, I love it when white
people be getting personal.
103
00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:43,689
[Chuckles] Hey, boss,
you gonna watch the pay-per-view?
104
00:03:43,791 --> 00:03:45,424
Oh, no.
105
00:03:45,526 --> 00:03:48,527
No way Jessica would allow that.
It has "pay" in the title.
106
00:03:48,629 --> 00:03:51,329
But I love how everyone's
talking about the match.
107
00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:53,632
I'm even gonna do a lunch
special on spareribs.
108
00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:54,800
Ready?
109
00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:57,169
I'm calling it... "Breaking Ribs."
110
00:03:57,271 --> 00:03:58,470
[Chuckles]
111
00:03:58,572 --> 00:03:59,738
Huh? [Telephone rings]
112
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:01,073
Oh.
113
00:04:01,141 --> 00:04:02,274
Cattleman's Ranch. This is Louis.
114
00:04:02,376 --> 00:04:03,608
Jessica: No discounts on the spareribs.
115
00:04:03,711 --> 00:04:05,444
[Receiver clicks, dial tone]
116
00:04:05,546 --> 00:04:08,280
[Coughs, sniffles]
117
00:04:08,633 --> 00:04:09,540
_
118
00:04:09,650 --> 00:04:11,216
I am not.
119
00:04:11,318 --> 00:04:13,018
[Coughing]
120
00:04:13,292 --> 00:04:16,260
_
121
00:04:16,457 --> 00:04:19,424
I don't get sick.
There's too much to do.
122
00:04:19,526 --> 00:04:20,859
That's why I use this every day.
123
00:04:21,064 --> 00:04:24,074
_
124
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,131
No, this is white flower oil.
125
00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:28,800
It cures everything...
Allergies, muscle aches,
126
00:04:28,902 --> 00:04:29,968
"depression."
127
00:04:30,037 --> 00:04:31,136
[Coughs]
128
00:04:31,238 --> 00:04:33,305
Resiliency...
129
00:04:33,373 --> 00:04:34,973
That's my fragrance.
130
00:04:36,844 --> 00:04:38,543
[Doorbell rings]
131
00:04:40,914 --> 00:04:42,514
Jessica? Hey, Honey.
132
00:04:42,549 --> 00:04:43,749
You ready to go stage that house?
133
00:04:43,851 --> 00:04:46,985
Let's take your car so I
don't have to burn my gas.
134
00:04:47,087 --> 00:04:49,087
Are you feeling okay?
135
00:04:49,189 --> 00:04:50,689
Of course. Never better!
136
00:04:52,059 --> 00:04:53,058
Jessica.
137
00:04:53,127 --> 00:04:53,925
Yeah?
138
00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:55,761
Did you hear what I just said?
139
00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:57,996
When? Just now.
140
00:04:58,098 --> 00:05:00,031
I've been talking for
the past five minutes.
141
00:05:00,167 --> 00:05:01,399
When?
142
00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:04,569
Just now for the past five minutes?
143
00:05:04,671 --> 00:05:07,480
How do I put this delicately?
144
00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:10,098
You look toe' up.
145
00:05:11,378 --> 00:05:12,778
[Sighs]
146
00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:16,148
[Nasally] Hey, Honey!
When did you get here?
147
00:05:16,250 --> 00:05:18,750
Apparently, not soon enough.
148
00:05:19,127 --> 00:05:20,632
When?
149
00:05:22,829 --> 00:05:24,608
[Coughs] I wish you
would've called me at work.
150
00:05:24,663 --> 00:05:26,964
I did call you at work.
151
00:05:27,032 --> 00:05:28,732
You heard what I said
about the spareribs, right?
152
00:05:28,834 --> 00:05:30,234
Y-Yes, don't worry about the spareribs.
153
00:05:30,336 --> 00:05:31,568
They remain at full price.
154
00:05:31,637 --> 00:05:33,470
I'm talking about you being sick.
155
00:05:33,539 --> 00:05:34,772
Luckily, Honey called me.
156
00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:36,573
- No, I'm telling you, I'm fine.
- No.
157
00:05:36,609 --> 00:05:38,175
I still have so much I need to do.
158
00:05:38,244 --> 00:05:40,878
The only thing you need to do is rest.
159
00:05:40,946 --> 00:05:44,214
I can get you an extra
blanket or a glass of water.
160
00:05:44,316 --> 00:05:45,716
[Snoring]
161
00:05:45,785 --> 00:05:48,085
Mm. She sleeps.
162
00:05:49,555 --> 00:05:50,988
[Screams] Aah!
163
00:05:53,325 --> 00:05:55,159
Good God!
164
00:05:57,096 --> 00:05:59,940
Okay, listen up... Mom has the flu.
165
00:06:00,187 --> 00:06:01,064
What do you mean?
166
00:06:01,133 --> 00:06:02,199
She's sick.
167
00:06:02,268 --> 00:06:03,867
But Mom never gets sick.
168
00:06:04,003 --> 00:06:05,035
Well, sometimes, even the most
169
00:06:05,070 --> 00:06:06,603
well-engineered machines break down.
170
00:06:06,672 --> 00:06:07,771
Wait. So what's happening?
171
00:06:07,873 --> 00:06:09,715
Your mother is sick.
172
00:06:10,376 --> 00:06:11,442
I feel like you're not being clear.
173
00:06:11,510 --> 00:06:13,877
Your mother is sick! [Sighs deeply]
174
00:06:13,946 --> 00:06:16,280
Now, we're all going to have to dig deep
175
00:06:16,315 --> 00:06:17,748
and band together to pick up the slack
176
00:06:17,783 --> 00:06:18,949
while your mother recovers.
177
00:06:18,984 --> 00:06:21,718
Totally, Dad. Sounds great.
We're on board.
178
00:06:21,787 --> 00:06:23,921
Evan,
could you go get us a couple of sodas?
179
00:06:24,023 --> 00:06:25,189
Sure.
180
00:06:27,660 --> 00:06:31,161
Now, if I could just suggest one idea...
181
00:06:31,263 --> 00:06:32,529
Okay.
182
00:06:32,631 --> 00:06:34,765
[Sighs]
183
00:06:36,135 --> 00:06:39,102
Now, I love Mom. We all do.
184
00:06:39,171 --> 00:06:41,038
Love her,
want nothing but the best for her,
185
00:06:41,106 --> 00:06:44,141
want her to get better,
which she absolutely will,
186
00:06:44,210 --> 00:06:47,377
but until then,
instead of seeing this as a bad thing...
187
00:06:47,446 --> 00:06:49,746
Which, let me make it clear,
it totally is...
188
00:06:49,815 --> 00:06:52,816
We can also choose to
see it as an opportunity.
189
00:06:54,253 --> 00:06:55,152
Go on.
190
00:06:55,221 --> 00:06:56,186
Now, the fact is,
191
00:06:56,255 --> 00:06:59,223
99% of the time, Mom is watching us.
192
00:06:59,258 --> 00:07:02,092
She somehow always knows
everything that's going on.
193
00:07:02,127 --> 00:07:05,028
And right now,
Mom's sick for the first time
194
00:07:05,097 --> 00:07:07,631
since I've known her, which means...
195
00:07:07,700 --> 00:07:10,109
The Eye of Sauron is down.
196
00:07:10,562 --> 00:07:11,134
What?
197
00:07:11,203 --> 00:07:12,836
From "The Lord of the Rings" books.
198
00:07:12,905 --> 00:07:15,239
The Eye of Sauron is a mystical force
199
00:07:15,307 --> 00:07:17,841
that can see everything that's
happening throughout Middle Earth.
200
00:07:17,910 --> 00:07:19,176
Great, yes, the Eye.
201
00:07:19,245 --> 00:07:21,078
And while we all love the Eye
202
00:07:21,113 --> 00:07:24,515
and we all want it to open
back up as soon as possible,
203
00:07:24,583 --> 00:07:26,083
we have a small window.
204
00:07:26,118 --> 00:07:27,985
And I'm not saying to go
crazy during that window.
205
00:07:28,087 --> 00:07:29,820
No. That's not what I'm saying.
206
00:07:29,955 --> 00:07:30,954
Emery, am I saying that?
207
00:07:31,023 --> 00:07:32,289
No?
208
00:07:32,358 --> 00:07:33,357
That's right.
209
00:07:33,425 --> 00:07:35,425
All I'm saying is, for this
210
00:07:35,494 --> 00:07:37,895
once-in-certainly-my-lifetime
opportunity,
211
00:07:37,997 --> 00:07:39,930
we maybe do...
212
00:07:40,032 --> 00:07:41,999
one thing we normally couldn't do?
213
00:07:44,637 --> 00:07:46,370
Like order
"Battle of the Swamp Creatures"
214
00:07:46,472 --> 00:07:47,571
on pay-per-view.
215
00:07:47,673 --> 00:07:49,239
Yeah
216
00:07:50,676 --> 00:07:51,608
Ice, please.
217
00:07:51,710 --> 00:07:53,310
[Sighs]
218
00:07:53,345 --> 00:07:54,811
I almost went with ice.
219
00:07:54,914 --> 00:07:56,213
I'm kicking myself.
220
00:07:56,282 --> 00:07:57,314
I'm in.
221
00:07:57,383 --> 00:07:59,626
- Me too.
- Wonderful.
222
00:07:59,997 --> 00:08:02,019
Now we just need to
convince our backup Mom...
223
00:08:02,121 --> 00:08:03,387
Evan.
224
00:08:03,455 --> 00:08:05,489
$59.99 on pay-per-view?
225
00:08:05,558 --> 00:08:06,957
No way Mom would let us buy that.
226
00:08:07,026 --> 00:08:09,459
Yeah, you're right, Evan.
You're so right.
227
00:08:09,528 --> 00:08:10,594
It's a shame, though,
228
00:08:10,663 --> 00:08:11,995
missing all those adults
dressed like animals.
229
00:08:12,064 --> 00:08:13,997
- Animals?
- Oh, yeah!
230
00:08:14,066 --> 00:08:16,300
The main event is between
a guy dressed like a fish
231
00:08:16,402 --> 00:08:17,951
and a guy dressed like a crawdad.
232
00:08:18,075 --> 00:08:19,250
Really?
233
00:08:20,339 --> 00:08:22,139
I think a crawdad would beat up a fish.
234
00:08:22,207 --> 00:08:23,774
They have claws, like tiny lobsters.
235
00:08:23,842 --> 00:08:26,310
Too bad we'll never know for sure.
236
00:08:27,269 --> 00:08:29,446
Well,
we could do a scientific experiment,
237
00:08:29,515 --> 00:08:32,416
but it's really expensive to rent a lab.
238
00:08:32,484 --> 00:08:34,017
Not to mention the tank fees.
239
00:08:34,086 --> 00:08:36,887
And good luck finding free
parking in this city. Hmm.
240
00:08:36,956 --> 00:08:39,523
We can't afford to not watch this fight.
241
00:08:39,625 --> 00:08:40,591
For science.
242
00:08:40,693 --> 00:08:42,092
For science!
243
00:08:42,194 --> 00:08:43,660
Okay, just so we all understand,
244
00:08:43,696 --> 00:08:46,563
this is the one thing we do
while the Eye is down. Agreed?
245
00:08:46,665 --> 00:08:48,765
I bought us a bigger TV.
246
00:08:48,834 --> 00:08:51,401
Went from 27 to 30 inches.
Your mom will never notice.
247
00:08:51,437 --> 00:08:53,003
She doesn't concern
herself with electronics.
248
00:08:53,072 --> 00:08:54,438
What happened to "one thing"?
249
00:08:54,473 --> 00:08:56,840
Well, if we're paying for
"Battle of the Swamp Creatures,"
250
00:08:56,942 --> 00:08:58,642
we have to watch it on a proper TV.
251
00:08:58,744 --> 00:09:01,745
I agree, and honestly,
our cost-per-pixel just went down.
252
00:09:01,814 --> 00:09:03,413
We can't stop saving money.
253
00:09:03,482 --> 00:09:04,781
Okay, I'm gonna clean this place.
254
00:09:04,883 --> 00:09:06,249
We can't have any dust interfering
255
00:09:06,318 --> 00:09:07,551
with our new picture quality.
256
00:09:07,586 --> 00:09:08,986
You guys get your homework done,
257
00:09:09,054 --> 00:09:10,621
and then we're gonna go
stock up on fight snacks.
258
00:09:10,689 --> 00:09:11,822
To the books!
259
00:09:15,661 --> 00:09:17,728
I've never him run to
do his homework before.
260
00:09:17,830 --> 00:09:19,930
I've never seen him run before.
261
00:09:20,032 --> 00:09:21,565
Mm.
262
00:09:23,202 --> 00:09:24,301
Homework's done?
263
00:09:24,336 --> 00:09:26,069
Worked my Ticonderoga to the nub.
264
00:09:27,573 --> 00:09:29,139
Wow. Okay.
265
00:09:29,208 --> 00:09:30,841
So, your mom's been out
of commission for a day.
266
00:09:30,943 --> 00:09:32,009
Before we hit the store,
267
00:09:32,077 --> 00:09:33,477
we need to make sure she's still sick
268
00:09:33,545 --> 00:09:35,579
so the Eye of Sauron
stays shut for the fight.
269
00:09:35,681 --> 00:09:36,613
I mean, we love her.
270
00:09:36,715 --> 00:09:38,582
- Love the Eye.
- It's the prettiest.
271
00:09:38,651 --> 00:09:39,750
Can't wait for it to reopen.
272
00:09:39,785 --> 00:09:41,318
But we need her asleep
by the undercard...
273
00:09:41,387 --> 00:09:43,387
Python Ramirez vs. Morris Silverman.
274
00:09:45,024 --> 00:09:46,690
Morris hasn't earned his swamp name yet.
275
00:09:50,462 --> 00:09:52,062
Jessica: [Weakly] Come in.
276
00:09:55,434 --> 00:09:56,967
So, how are you feeling?
277
00:09:57,069 --> 00:09:58,135
[Shivering]
278
00:09:58,203 --> 00:09:59,970
Oh, you're shivering.
You have the chills.
279
00:10:00,072 --> 00:10:01,004
Oh, I'm fine.
280
00:10:01,106 --> 00:10:02,706
I was just gonna get dinner started.
281
00:10:02,741 --> 00:10:04,875
Whoa, there, Mommy.
You're walking like a baby deer.
282
00:10:04,977 --> 00:10:07,044
Yeah, you definitely need more rest.
283
00:10:07,112 --> 00:10:09,579
Look, the boys and I brought
in everything you need
284
00:10:09,615 --> 00:10:11,615
so you can stay in
bed all day and night.
285
00:10:11,684 --> 00:10:13,784
Here, Mom. Drink this. You need sleep.
286
00:10:13,852 --> 00:10:15,352
Be liberal with that dose.
287
00:10:15,454 --> 00:10:16,586
Thank you.
288
00:10:16,655 --> 00:10:18,255
I'm sorry.
289
00:10:18,357 --> 00:10:20,357
I feel terrible. I'm so out of it.
290
00:10:20,459 --> 00:10:22,926
Oh, please. It happens. You're human.
291
00:10:23,028 --> 00:10:24,628
Now let's get you comfy.
292
00:10:25,497 --> 00:10:27,064
[Coughing]
293
00:10:27,099 --> 00:10:29,199
No. You should go.
294
00:10:29,301 --> 00:10:30,901
I don't want you to
catch any of my germs.
295
00:10:31,003 --> 00:10:32,102
Good call.
296
00:10:32,171 --> 00:10:35,105
I don't see myself washing
my hands anytime soon.
297
00:10:35,140 --> 00:10:37,874
We're off to run some errands.
We'll be gone for awhile.
298
00:10:37,943 --> 00:10:39,342
You know, tough out there without you,
299
00:10:39,445 --> 00:10:40,610
but we'll manage. [Chuckles]
300
00:10:40,713 --> 00:10:42,179
I'll even sleep in Eddie's room tonight.
301
00:10:42,247 --> 00:10:44,581
I-In the meantime,
I'll turn on this humidifier
302
00:10:44,683 --> 00:10:45,982
so you can keep sleeping.
303
00:10:46,085 --> 00:10:48,685
[Loud whirring]
304
00:10:48,754 --> 00:10:51,922
Okay, sleep long... Uh, I mean tight.
305
00:10:51,990 --> 00:10:54,658
Y-You know, tight and long.
[Chuckles nervously]
306
00:11:00,299 --> 00:11:02,199
The Eye of Sauron is down.
307
00:11:02,267 --> 00:11:03,961
But let's double-check the ear.
308
00:11:04,126 --> 00:11:06,136
Jessica?
309
00:11:06,205 --> 00:11:09,589
Mom, is that orange juice
pulpy enough for you?
310
00:11:10,909 --> 00:11:13,043
Sometimes, I prefer hugs from Dad.
311
00:11:14,580 --> 00:11:15,846
Aww! Is that true?
312
00:11:17,249 --> 00:11:17,981
Sure.
313
00:11:23,822 --> 00:11:25,255
Louis: We're not getting that.
314
00:11:25,357 --> 00:11:27,390
We're getting this.
315
00:11:27,493 --> 00:11:28,492
[Chuckles]
316
00:11:29,962 --> 00:11:32,195
It's Shirley Temple time!
317
00:11:32,297 --> 00:11:33,630
Diet ginger ale?
318
00:11:33,665 --> 00:11:36,566
Mom may be out of commission,
but diabetes isn't.
319
00:11:36,668 --> 00:11:37,834
Eddie: Dad!
320
00:11:38,837 --> 00:11:39,903
Louis: No!
321
00:11:43,075 --> 00:11:44,741
[Register beeping]
322
00:11:47,279 --> 00:11:49,079
Okay, Carmen Electra is the last thing.
323
00:11:49,181 --> 00:11:51,414
After this, we go home,
quietly unpack our snacks,
324
00:11:51,517 --> 00:11:52,549
and get ready for fight night.
325
00:11:52,651 --> 00:11:54,251
[Register buzzing]
326
00:11:54,353 --> 00:11:56,086
Gentle. She's a lady.
327
00:11:56,877 --> 00:12:00,216
So put her in a different bag and
beef jerky.
328
00:12:02,027 --> 00:12:03,293
Here you go. Oh.
329
00:12:03,494 --> 00:12:05,390
_
330
00:12:05,493 --> 00:12:06,957
_
331
00:12:07,065 --> 00:12:08,331
Mm-hmm.
332
00:12:09,768 --> 00:12:10,867
[Whispering] Hey!
333
00:12:10,903 --> 00:12:12,836
Niagara Falls, stifle those nuts.
334
00:12:12,905 --> 00:12:14,070
You're gonna wake the Eye.
335
00:12:14,173 --> 00:12:15,338
[Whispers] Sorry.
336
00:12:19,111 --> 00:12:20,443
[Knock on door]
337
00:12:22,147 --> 00:12:23,647
Let's get ready
338
00:12:23,749 --> 00:12:26,149
to repti-i-i-i-i-i-le!
339
00:12:26,251 --> 00:12:29,986
Shh! Marvin, keep it down.
340
00:12:30,088 --> 00:12:31,521
Jessica is asleep.
341
00:12:31,623 --> 00:12:32,656
What are you doing here?
342
00:12:32,724 --> 00:12:34,124
It's fight night.
343
00:12:34,226 --> 00:12:35,158
Honey's actually there.
344
00:12:35,260 --> 00:12:36,293
She had two tickets,
345
00:12:36,361 --> 00:12:37,928
but they won't allow me
in the convention center
346
00:12:37,996 --> 00:12:39,696
since they put in metal detectors.
347
00:12:39,765 --> 00:12:41,665
Always packin'. [Chuckles]
348
00:12:41,733 --> 00:12:44,134
Luckily, uh, little Evan there
invited me to your viewing party.
349
00:12:44,169 --> 00:12:47,337
I bet him $50 that King Crawdad
beats Fish Head Jackson.
350
00:12:47,406 --> 00:12:49,072
Yeah, everything's more fun to watch
351
00:12:49,141 --> 00:12:50,707
when an allowance is on the line.
352
00:12:50,776 --> 00:12:52,576
Evan, you shouldn't have invited anyone.
353
00:12:52,678 --> 00:12:54,044
We're trying to keep this quiet.
354
00:12:54,146 --> 00:12:55,645
Mom is in the next room.
355
00:12:55,747 --> 00:12:57,814
Let's get ready to repti-i-i-i-i-le!
356
00:12:57,883 --> 00:12:59,316
Shh! [Laughing] Hey!
357
00:12:59,384 --> 00:13:01,693
You're sitting next to me, Red.
358
00:13:01,954 --> 00:13:04,120
What? At least they brought something.
359
00:13:04,223 --> 00:13:05,188
Wh...
360
00:13:05,257 --> 00:13:06,556
That's pumpkin filling.
361
00:13:06,625 --> 00:13:07,791
We're on our way to a pie.
362
00:13:07,893 --> 00:13:09,359
W...
363
00:13:13,031 --> 00:13:15,031
Well, hello, there.
364
00:13:16,668 --> 00:13:18,735
Announcer: Boy, Tom,
Fish Head Jackson and Crawdad
365
00:13:18,837 --> 00:13:20,003
are really going at it.
366
00:13:20,105 --> 00:13:24,107
[Stiffed cheering]
367
00:13:24,209 --> 00:13:26,443
He is rocked!
368
00:13:26,545 --> 00:13:28,278
Come on, Crawdad, you bum!
369
00:13:28,380 --> 00:13:29,913
Use your claws!
370
00:13:30,738 --> 00:13:32,964
_
371
00:13:33,088 --> 00:13:34,551
_
372
00:13:34,833 --> 00:13:36,276
_
373
00:13:36,388 --> 00:13:37,687
Oh.
374
00:13:37,756 --> 00:13:39,623
[Whispering] Hey, Marvin.
Look, there's Honey.
375
00:13:39,691 --> 00:13:41,091
[Indistinct shouting]
376
00:13:41,193 --> 00:13:42,692
[Laughing] Oh, hi.
377
00:13:42,761 --> 00:13:44,361
[Normal voice] The hell?
378
00:13:51,603 --> 00:13:53,136
[Loud whirring]
379
00:13:56,475 --> 00:13:58,308
She left the humidifier on.
380
00:13:58,377 --> 00:14:00,277
She wanted to trick us so bad,
381
00:14:00,379 --> 00:14:02,679
she was willing to waste electricity.
382
00:14:02,781 --> 00:14:05,181
We're gonna head out.
Thanks for everything.
383
00:14:05,284 --> 00:14:07,250
Great party.
384
00:14:26,230 --> 00:14:28,209
[Screams]
385
00:14:30,034 --> 00:14:31,066
What are you doing here?
386
00:14:31,135 --> 00:14:32,868
What are you doing out of here?
387
00:14:32,937 --> 00:14:34,336
I can't believe you
were the first person
388
00:14:34,405 --> 00:14:35,370
to sneak out of the house.
389
00:14:35,439 --> 00:14:37,906
I would've bet my life savings on Eddie.
390
00:14:38,008 --> 00:14:39,308
- I...
- Evan: Don't bother, Mommy.
391
00:14:39,343 --> 00:14:41,310
We know you were at the
"Battle of the Swamp Creatures."
392
00:14:41,378 --> 00:14:43,045
What's going on? Were you even sick?
393
00:14:43,147 --> 00:14:44,947
Of course I was.
394
00:14:45,049 --> 00:14:47,049
I was really sick.
395
00:14:47,151 --> 00:14:48,150
[Sighs]
396
00:14:48,185 --> 00:14:49,551
But after a good night's sleep,
397
00:14:49,653 --> 00:14:51,754
I woke up feeling much better.
398
00:14:51,789 --> 00:14:53,122
[Groans]
399
00:14:56,861 --> 00:14:58,260
Then the phone rang. [Sighs]
400
00:14:58,362 --> 00:14:59,661
[Telephone rings]
401
00:14:59,764 --> 00:15:00,629
[Telephone beeps]
402
00:15:00,731 --> 00:15:01,797
Hello?
403
00:15:01,866 --> 00:15:04,233
Hey, sweetie. It's me.
Just checking in on you.
404
00:15:04,335 --> 00:15:05,267
Are you feeling better?
405
00:15:05,369 --> 00:15:07,236
Actually, I am.
406
00:15:07,304 --> 00:15:09,404
- Yeah, I slept really well last...
- Perfect.
407
00:15:09,473 --> 00:15:12,207
Because I got two tickets to
"Battle of the Swamp Creatures,"
408
00:15:12,309 --> 00:15:13,509
and I want you to come.
409
00:15:13,611 --> 00:15:14,843
You'll love it.
410
00:15:14,912 --> 00:15:18,866
It's like a sweatier,
more violent "Melrose Place."
411
00:15:19,216 --> 00:15:22,384
Those are my only two criticisms of
"Melrose Place."
412
00:15:22,419 --> 00:15:24,987
Ugh! But there's no way I can go.
413
00:15:25,089 --> 00:15:26,155
Come on. Sure you can.
414
00:15:26,257 --> 00:15:27,556
Honey, I am a mother of three
415
00:15:27,625 --> 00:15:29,391
who's just been bedridden for 24 hours.
416
00:15:29,426 --> 00:15:32,461
Unlike you, I can't sit around,
drinking martinis all day.
417
00:15:32,530 --> 00:15:34,563
I'm sure the house is a mess,
no one's eaten,
418
00:15:34,632 --> 00:15:36,799
and none of the boys
have done their homework.
419
00:15:36,867 --> 00:15:38,066
Maybe Evan started his,
420
00:15:38,135 --> 00:15:40,451
but there's now way he
could've done theirs.
421
00:15:40,616 --> 00:15:42,471
Well...
422
00:15:42,540 --> 00:15:43,972
I have an extra pair of foam claws
423
00:15:44,041 --> 00:15:45,174
if you change your mind. [Chuckles]
424
00:15:45,242 --> 00:15:46,809
It was a tempting offer.
425
00:15:46,877 --> 00:15:48,544
But after being out of
commission for a day,
426
00:15:48,612 --> 00:15:50,112
there's no way I could go.
427
00:15:50,572 --> 00:15:53,048
I knew the house would be chaos.
428
00:15:55,419 --> 00:15:57,653
But when I came out,
the place was spotless.
429
00:15:57,721 --> 00:15:59,555
You boys were doing your homework.
430
00:15:59,657 --> 00:16:01,271
I couldn't believe it.
431
00:16:01,926 --> 00:16:03,625
Why are you pressing so hard?
432
00:16:03,694 --> 00:16:05,260
Because I write like
I play basketball...
433
00:16:05,329 --> 00:16:07,723
Hard and a little out of control.
434
00:16:08,666 --> 00:16:10,732
I knew if I said I was feeling better,
435
00:16:10,768 --> 00:16:13,836
things would go back to normal,
and I didn't want them to.
436
00:16:13,904 --> 00:16:16,839
I wanted more time before
I had to be responsible
437
00:16:16,907 --> 00:16:19,208
for everything and everyone again.
438
00:16:19,977 --> 00:16:22,811
So I snuck back in my room,
read magazines,
439
00:16:22,880 --> 00:16:23,946
tried on my wedding dress...
440
00:16:24,014 --> 00:16:25,280
Still fits, by the way, knew it would.
441
00:16:25,349 --> 00:16:29,685
And then I decided to take
up Honey on her offer.
442
00:16:29,753 --> 00:16:32,487
But I needed one more free night.
443
00:16:35,292 --> 00:16:36,625
[Knock on door]
444
00:16:41,599 --> 00:16:42,831
[Weakly] Come in.
445
00:16:42,900 --> 00:16:44,032
[Door opens]
446
00:16:44,101 --> 00:16:45,534
So, how are you feeling?
447
00:16:45,603 --> 00:16:48,170
[Shivering] Oh, you're shivering.
You have the chills.
448
00:16:48,239 --> 00:16:49,571
It was an ice cream headache.
449
00:16:49,673 --> 00:16:50,639
No, no, I'm fine.
450
00:16:50,741 --> 00:16:51,907
I was just gonna get dinner started.
451
00:16:52,009 --> 00:16:55,177
Whoa, there, Mommy.
You're walking like a baby deer.
452
00:16:55,212 --> 00:16:57,679
I was pleased to hear that because
that's what I was going for.
453
00:16:57,748 --> 00:16:59,114
Now let's get you comfy.
454
00:17:01,652 --> 00:17:03,318
[Coughing]
455
00:17:03,420 --> 00:17:04,319
You should go.
456
00:17:04,421 --> 00:17:05,954
I don't want you to get my germs.
457
00:17:05,990 --> 00:17:08,490
I-In the meantime,
I'll turn on this humidifier
458
00:17:08,592 --> 00:17:09,725
so you can keep sleeping.
459
00:17:09,827 --> 00:17:11,326
[Loud whirring]
460
00:17:11,428 --> 00:17:12,628
Thank you, Jessica.
461
00:17:12,696 --> 00:17:14,963
You are better than me in every way.
462
00:17:15,065 --> 00:17:16,565
Louis:
I'm pretty sure I didn't say that.
463
00:17:16,634 --> 00:17:17,666
Jessica: Yes, you did.
464
00:17:17,768 --> 00:17:19,601
The way I remember it, you did.
465
00:17:19,703 --> 00:17:21,069
[Door closes]
466
00:17:29,346 --> 00:17:33,115
Then when you guys left the house...
467
00:17:33,183 --> 00:17:34,750
I snuck out, and I went to the fight.
468
00:17:34,818 --> 00:17:36,351
[Sighs] I can't believe this.
469
00:17:36,420 --> 00:17:37,819
We thought you were safe in bed,
470
00:17:37,888 --> 00:17:40,489
and then we see you
waving your claw on TV.
471
00:17:41,252 --> 00:17:43,025
What do you mean "you saw me on TV"?
472
00:17:43,093 --> 00:17:44,393
We got the fight on pay-per-view.
473
00:17:44,495 --> 00:17:45,928
[Gasps]
474
00:17:46,030 --> 00:17:47,296
They made me! [Sighs]
475
00:17:47,364 --> 00:17:49,331
Pay-per-view?
476
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,166
That sounds like you
have to pay to view it.
477
00:17:51,235 --> 00:17:53,435
We don't pay to watch TV in this house.
478
00:17:53,537 --> 00:17:55,637
We only did it because the
Eye of Sauron was down.
479
00:17:55,673 --> 00:17:58,173
You somehow always know
everything we're doing.
480
00:17:58,242 --> 00:17:59,808
And it's a bit much.
481
00:17:59,877 --> 00:18:01,443
I mean, we love that you care about us.
482
00:18:01,512 --> 00:18:03,145
- Love it.
- Can't get enough of it.
483
00:18:03,213 --> 00:18:05,447
Wish you were there to stop me
from losing 50 bucks to Marvin.
484
00:18:05,549 --> 00:18:08,016
But it's tough feeling like
someone is always watching us.
485
00:18:08,052 --> 00:18:11,353
Sometimes we just need to,
you know, let loose a little.
486
00:18:13,190 --> 00:18:14,189
I get it.
487
00:18:15,693 --> 00:18:17,092
You do?
488
00:18:17,161 --> 00:18:21,096
It's not easy for me, either,
always having to be vigilant...
489
00:18:21,165 --> 00:18:23,732
Packing lunches,
picking out boy clothes,
490
00:18:23,801 --> 00:18:25,600
running the house, going to work.
491
00:18:25,669 --> 00:18:29,671
So when I saw you were
doing okay without me...
492
00:18:29,773 --> 00:18:31,640
I thought I could step away,
493
00:18:31,742 --> 00:18:33,508
just take a break for once.
494
00:18:35,479 --> 00:18:36,712
Jessica, you shouldn't feel
495
00:18:36,814 --> 00:18:39,014
like you have to sneak
away to enjoy a night out.
496
00:18:39,049 --> 00:18:41,116
And you shouldn't feel like
you have to wait till I'm sick
497
00:18:41,218 --> 00:18:42,651
to treat yourselves.
498
00:18:42,686 --> 00:18:44,786
Maybe like Fish Head
Jackson and King Crawdad,
499
00:18:44,855 --> 00:18:45,988
we can meet in the middle.
500
00:18:46,056 --> 00:18:48,190
That would be nice.
501
00:18:48,292 --> 00:18:50,092
But we would do it for real. Yeah.
502
00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:52,160
That whole event was fake.
503
00:18:52,229 --> 00:18:54,796
There's no way a crawdad
would lose to a fish!
504
00:18:54,865 --> 00:18:56,031
That's what I thought, too!
505
00:18:56,100 --> 00:18:57,733
But I guess you can't apply logic
506
00:18:57,801 --> 00:18:59,644
to a sport of fools, Mommy.
507
00:18:59,891 --> 00:19:01,470
My favorite.
508
00:19:05,209 --> 00:19:06,908
All right, Mom, I'll put it away!
509
00:19:07,011 --> 00:19:10,045
Jessica: I didn't say anything!
510
00:19:10,147 --> 00:19:11,146
Whoa.
511
00:19:18,055 --> 00:19:20,055
I don't need this many combs.
512
00:19:25,329 --> 00:19:27,562
Crap! I need more cereal.
513
00:19:30,734 --> 00:19:32,401
Crap! I need more milk.
514
00:19:34,271 --> 00:19:36,271
Crap! I need more cereal!
515
00:19:38,075 --> 00:19:39,141
[Sighs]
516
00:19:39,243 --> 00:19:40,709
Mommy, help me!
517
00:19:40,778 --> 00:19:43,779
You can handle this, Evan.
I believe in you.
518
00:19:43,881 --> 00:19:45,447
What's that?
519
00:19:45,549 --> 00:19:48,216
Mommy's French breakfast... for one.
520
00:19:50,187 --> 00:19:51,219
There you are!
521
00:19:51,321 --> 00:19:53,321
So,
in the spirit of meeting in the middle,
522
00:19:53,424 --> 00:19:54,623
I got you something.
523
00:19:56,293 --> 00:19:58,794
What happened to the TV?
524
00:19:58,896 --> 00:20:00,662
I got a new one!
525
00:20:00,764 --> 00:20:02,631
It's a little smaller than the old one,
526
00:20:02,733 --> 00:20:05,133
but this one has picture-in-picture.
527
00:20:05,235 --> 00:20:06,635
Mm. [Chuckles]
528
00:20:06,737 --> 00:20:08,136
What'd you do with the old one?
529
00:20:08,205 --> 00:20:10,005
Oh, well, you've been
complaining about it forever,
530
00:20:10,107 --> 00:20:11,506
so I found it a new home.
531
00:20:11,608 --> 00:20:14,409
Well, this is funny.
He's a loving, precious son.
532
00:20:14,511 --> 00:20:15,944
He's the one who's gonna need therapy.
533
00:20:16,046 --> 00:20:18,246
Kathie Lee sure knows
how to start a day, huh?
534
00:20:18,348 --> 00:20:21,249
Anyway, so he [laughs]
535
00:20:27,822 --> 00:20:30,256
Hey, buddy! I'm just here to collect.
536
00:20:30,358 --> 00:20:32,892
Oh. Gosh. Did we bet on something?
537
00:20:32,994 --> 00:20:35,494
$50, little man.
538
00:20:35,596 --> 00:20:37,696
You're not really gonna make me pay,
539
00:20:37,798 --> 00:20:39,198
are you, Uncle Marvin?
540
00:20:49,677 --> 00:20:53,145
I want those wheels to shine
like Liberace's bathtub.
541
00:20:53,247 --> 00:20:55,314
Stupid fish wrestler.
542
00:20:55,416 --> 00:20:57,650
Always bet on bass.
543
00:20:57,752 --> 00:20:59,285
[Chuckles]
544
00:20:59,335 --> 00:21:03,885
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