All language subtitles for Fresh off the Boat s03e09 How-to-Be-An-American.eng

[Sighs]

- We've been here all day.
- I've answered all of your questions.

Can I please just have my citizenship?

I'm sorry it's taking so much time,
ma'am.

Everything seems to be in order.

Hold that stamp!

[Whispers indistinctly]

Mrs. Huang,
I need to ask you a few more questions

regarding your criminal record.

[Whispers indistinctly]

- Right now?
- Mm-hmm.

Can it wait?

Well, what did Sandy order for lunch?

[Whispers indistinctly]

All right,
I'll just have what Sandy's having.

No, you know what?

I'll take a rack of ribs.

S03E09 How-to-Be-An-American

sync and corrected by ninh
www.addic7ed.com

- Which one?
- The blue one.

- They're both blue.
- I made my choice.

I just want to look perfect
for your citizenship interview.

This is a big moment for you.

You're like an immigrant caterpillar,

and now you'll be an American butterfly.

Why must every single moment
of our lives be so sentimental?

Getting my citizenship,
moving to Orlando, Eddie's first word.

Which was "thug life," by the way.

I'm gonna need you to confirm
that if anyone from school asks.

I still don't understand

how Mom is not a citizen
if I'm a citizen.

Because you boys were born here.

And I'm a citizen because

I applied for the green card
lottery and then I naturalized.

And after that, I sponsored Grandma,

who also then naturalized
to become a citizen.

And now she gets to stay here forever.

_

_

But your mom is a permanent
resident with a green card.

Remember when we got your green card?

How they took us into
separate gray rooms

and grilled us about how we met.

Tell us the story of
how you guys met again.

It's my favorite love story,
after "My Girl," of course.

Emery, please, don't get him started.

It was a crisp autumn day. [Sighs]

We went to the same college
but didn't even know it

until the rotten octopus of fate

reached out its food-poisoned tentacles

and pulled us together.

It was love at first sight.

For you, maybe.

I was busy being sick
from the waist down.

After an explosive start
and a lengthy courtship,

she finally accepted my proposal.

I know you've said no
five times already,

but I'm gonna keep asking.

Will you marry me?

Yes. I will marry you.

It was magical.

Even your mom was a little teary.

The ring was pinching my finger.

We took the world by storm.

We bought a mini van.

Because I wanted so many kids.

I told him shop closed after two.

So what made you decide to have me?

- White wine.
- And now here we are.

Why do you have to
romanticize everything?

You proposed several times, I said no,

you wore me down, I said yes.

True love is worth fighting for.

[Sighs] See? You're doing it again.

D?j? vu.

Just don't tell these
stories in the interview.

I want it to go quick.

The immigration office is
on the bad side of town,

so I want to hit the 99-cent store

and then fill up the Accord
with the cheap, cheap gas.

Why aren't you dressed for school?

Oh, we're not going to school today.

Why do you test me like this?

Three words. Teacher training day.

Another one?

How many days off a year do
these fat-cat teachers get?

Well, it's important that they train.

Oh, let's see.

When's another time they
could possibly train?

Oh, maybe during the entire
summer that they get off.

Okay, okay, we're gonna
be late for your appointment.

Let's go.
Ma, we're gonna be gone all day.

Can you keep an eye on the boys?

_

_

Just pretend like you
don't understand Mandarin

and back away.

[Sighs]

What is this?

We're getting a jump on what we
think next week's homework will be.

We're just guessing.

You guys need to learn how to dream.

How often do we get a day off of school

and Mom and Dad are out of the house?

Never.

Eddie's right.

How about after math,

we reward ourselves with a
little cheese string par-tay?

I can't eat cheese,

but I'll pretend to
smoke it like a cigar.

First of all,
I finished all the string cheese.

Second, you need to think bigger.

This is a once in a
lifetime opportunity.

We're gonna take Mom and
Dad's mini van for a ride.

[Gasps] Are you crazy?

You know Grandma's home.

She's neck deep in perfume.

She'll be in her room all day.

But none of us even know how to drive.

Evan, you know I'm an amazing driver.

You've seen me play Mario Kart.

Scoreboard don't lie, son.

He does always banana my red shells.

Come on. Brothers road trip?

I guess I will build some memories,
like the Hardy Boys.

And we can go to Hardee's.

[Sighs] I don't know.

You can use your AAA card
for discounts on the road.

I'll grab my motion-sickness pills.

Mrs. Huang, Mr. Huang.

Cheese.

Actually, photography is prohibited.

This is a government building.
You understand.

Oh, right. Of course I understand.
[Camera clicks]

All right, let's get this going.

I already submitted the forms

and pre-paid the
processing fee a week ago.

Also, I put $1 into the meter.

I only have 45 minutes
and I will not go over.

Well, that should be plenty of time.

We just need you to confirm

some of the information we have on file.

Yes, love to. First question.

Okay, it says here your
first entry into the U.S.

was on a Student Visa.

Correct.
Business major, Maryland College.

- Second question.
- Business?

I would've thought it
would've been teaching.

Ha! As if.

Is that from "Clueless"?

Did you know that is
a playful reimagining

of Jane Austen's "Emma"?

Whatever. [Laughs]

I'm just laughing because
Jessica hates teachers.

It says here her first job
in this country was teaching.

Oh, is that all the questions?

Great, let's just wrap this up
with the pledge of allegiance.

I, Jessica, take you,
the United States of America,

as my lawfully wedded... country.

You were a teacher?

You told me your first job was
selling sandwiches at Orioles games.

Hey, if you believed that,
then that's on you.

For as long as I've known you,
you've hated teachers.

Louis, you have to understand,
I was young, desperate.

I didn't know what I
was getting myself into.

What happened?

My Student Visa was about to expire

and I had to find a way
to stay in this country,

and one of my professo

told me about a Specialty
Occupation Visa.

Means if you're in a profession
that the U.S. has a shortage of,

- you can stay in the country.
- I know that, Doug.

And it just so happens that
one of those professions...

is teacher.

Jessica: It was my first day,

and Honey was giving me a
tour of the teacher's lounge.

I saw Mitch, Marvin,
and Deidre at the bar cart.

I just want to make it clear

that those are the names of our
current friends and neighbors,

not the real people involved.

Basically all white people
look the same to her.

Yeah, I get it.

People mix up me and my
brother all the time.

That's why I started
wearing contact lenses.

So, anyway, Honey was showing
me how to whip up a Sanka.

And you just stir it right in.

Astronauts call it brown Tang.

[School bell rings]

Aren't you gonna be
late for your classes?

No, we have a 20-minute grace period.

40 if it's sunny out.

Yeah, let's be honest.

These kids don't want to learn
and we don't want to teach.

We just want to make it to 3:00 p.m.

What happens at 3:00 p.m.?

That's when we turn on some Jimmy Buffet

and get straight-up blasted!

[Evil laughter]

[Distorted laughter]

It was at that moment I realized

that I could never be part
of such a corrupt profession.

I quit right then and there.

It says here you were
fired for spanking a child.

Well, if you knew that,
why did you let me keep talking?

You spanked a child?

Spanking is a strong word.

It was a gentle tap over the pants.

I thought I knew everything about you.

You were a teacher.

I did what I had to do to survive.

Teach advanced calculus.

Says here you taught drama.

Damn you, Doug!

I got Hot 104 locked on all five presets

in case one loses reception.

Look, a nap zone.

Emery, I know we've had our
differences over the years,

but sometimes you really feel me, dawg.

Hold onto your butts, fellas.

It says here that AAA members
get 5% off at Wet 'n Wild!

Oh, what?!

You know I'm about that Lazy River life!

Okay, so we'll start at the mall,
pick up Alison,

and then loop back to the dry cleaners,

helping Mom,

and instead of stopping for lunch,

we'll just fire up the hibachi.

Then we'll end the day at Wet 'n Wild

with a hard chill in the Surf Lagoon.

Let's go!

Wait!

We need our bathing suits for Wet
'n Wild.

My swimmies!

[Screams]

Oh, no! No! No! No! No! No! No!

Guys, it's fine.

I took the parking brake off

and it must've rolled into the street.

No bigs.

Where'd I put the keys?

Crap.

[Door handle rattles]

[Screams]

Doug: Okay,
after teaching didn't work out,

it says your next application

was for an Extraordinary Ability Visa.

Yes, that's right.

I was sitting with my college roommate,
Honey...

Wait, I thought Honey was a
teacher at the school you... oh.

White people all the same. Got it.

Jessica, I am so sorry the
teaching thing didn't work out.

It's a blessing in disguise.

Why should I waste my
talent and my work ethic

on a lowly Specialty Occupation Visa

when really I should have...

an Extraordinary Ability Visa.

Oh.

"For someone who
possesses superior talents

that enrich our nation."

What kind of superior
talents do you have?

What kind don't I have?

Acting, singing, puppeteering.

Woman: Your shrimp po' boys.

Louis: Wait, was this the night we met?

Jessica: Yes.
Then it wasn't shrimp, it was octopus.

No, it was shrimp. No, it was octopus.

It was the night we met.
I wouldn't forget.

You know what, I am so sick and tired

of men always changing
a woman's narrative,

just like Joan of Arc.

What does Joan of Arc have...

Jessica, they were octopus

because that's why we
both got food poisoning

and met in the bathroom line,

and I know for a fact
that it was octopus

because Olivia Yang had
just dumped me that morning

and she was allergic to octopus,
so I never got to eat octopus,

so my friend Barry took
me out to get octopus.

You told me Olivia Yang was
your girlfriend in Taiwan.

You dated her here in America

up until the day we met?

Men. Changing the narrative.

What are we gonna do?

Mom and Dad are gonna murder us.

We'll set the car on fire
and blame it on vandals.

Or even better... Hobos!

You know Mom hates hobos.
She's always saying that.

I think we should just run
away and find a new family.

If we split up, we'll have a
better chance of being adopted.

Or we can call AAA to
come and unlock the car.

Evan, I know we've had our
differences in the past,

but you're the real MVP.

Do I get a trophy?

No. You get this.

This moment right here.

I'll take it.

Now who's keeping secrets?

All those years,

you said you fell in love
with me at first sight.

I did! I wasn't lying.

It just happened to coincide

with Olivia Yang falling
out of love with me.

Why didn't you tell me?

I was worried it would scare you off.

Why? Because she dumped you?

And I'm a dumped man's rebound bride.

Jessica, if you're just a rebound,

why would I have proposed
to you so many times?

I don't know,
maybe that's a question for Olivia Yang!

Okay, how's about we get back to
that Extraordinary Ability Visa?

So, I went down to the
immigration office in Baltimore

to apply in person.

How can I help you?

Doug: Oh, my God, you put me in it?

Jessica: No, it's your brother.

Doug: Of course it is.
Everybody loves Jeremy.

I am here to apply for my
Extraordinary Ability Visa.

Where is your pianist?

I will need he or she to accompany me.

- There is no pianist.
- Okay. A cappella then.

Ma'am, ma'am.

That's not what we're looking for here.

No problem. I've got more.

- Oh, boy. [Throwing voice]
-
And if you don't love me now

[Normal voice]

Ma'am, this isn't "Star Search."

In order to qualify for an
Extraordinary Ability Visa,

you need to prove this is
your paid profession...

Awards, letters from noteworthy peers,

articles written about you.

But I don't have any of those things

and my Student Visa runs out in a week.

I have no other way of
staying in this country.

I'm sorry. That's not my problem.

Jessica: I was so upset, I cried
all the way back to my dorm room.

I know you've said no
five times already,

but I'm gonna keep asking.

Will you marry me?

Yes. I will marry you.

[Chuckles] Louis: Wait.

You had just gotten
rejected for your Visa

right before you finally said yes?

Did you only agree to marry me
so you could get a green card?

Yes. Obviously, yes.

Dude.

You married me for a green card?

It's not that big of a deal.
I liked you and everything.

Liked me?

I fell in love with you
the first moment we met.

I thought our love story
was one for the ages.

Now I'm finding out I was just
a marriage of convenience.

What? I'm practical.

You love that about me.

I like that about you.

[Sighs]

Thank you so much.

And thank you, sir,
for your seven years of membership.

You've been a member since you were 2?

I wanted to join earlier,
but I didn't know how to talk

and make my wishes known to Mom.

Hmm. Well, you guys are all set,

as long as you didn't make
any changes in the car.

You know, adjust the seats,
change the radio presets,

move the mirrors...

Things the car's primary driver
would notice immediately.

I see you later, boys.

98.3, Smooth Jazz.

99.8, Cool Jazz.

102.2, Drive Time Classic Jazz.

[Car horn honks in distance]

I've answered all your questions.

Can I please just have my citizenship?

I'm sorry it's taking so much time,
ma'am.

Evhing seems to be in order.

Hold that stamp!

[Whispers indistinctly]

Mrs. Huang,
I need to ask you a few more questions

regarding your criminal record.

Ean lliminal record?!

There was a small misunderstanding.

Simple property damage a long time ago.

Statute of limitations have passed.

Here we go. Just a little stamp, stamp.

- Stamp.
- No.

[Grunts]

I'm sorry.

I have to know the details
or I can't approve your file.

Okay.

I'll tell you.

It was a hot night in Brooklyn,

and racial tensions were boiling over.

Louis: A trash can through
the window of Sal's Pizzeria?

That's from "Do the Right Thing."

Yes, and that is so much
worse than what I did.

Fellas, I think we did it.

Seriously, if we get away with this,

I'm never getting behind
the wheel of a car again.

Not even a Yukon with rims?

Well, yeah.
I mean, a Yukon with rims, obviously.

I'm only human, man.

_

[Screams]

[Sniffs] Lavender.

_

Apricot.

No. Leather.

No.

My sinuses! I can't do this.

_

[All sigh]

Driftwood.

[Laughs]

Mrs. Huang, I need to know

about the criminal
incident in your file.

It was just simple property damage.

Can we please move on?

No. I want to know what happened.

Fine.

It was the night we met.

I don't think I can
ever eat octopus again.

Poisoning us was its
last and best defense.

So, uh, yeah, call me.
I'd love to go out sometime.

I'll give you my number.

It's 555...

Um, do you want a pen or
something to write this down?

No, I'll remember it.

Right. Well, it's, um, 555-0193.

Great. Thanks.

Do you have a pen? I need a pen.

I just met the man I'm going to marry

and I need to write down his
number before I forget it.

But that's permanent marker.

Hey! You're destroying my property!

Oh, please,
it's just a piece of an old canoe.

You wrote my number on a restaurant
canoe so you wouldn't forget it?

You loved me at first sight!

[Sighs] I'm so embarrassed.

All these years, you were acting
like you weren't a romantic,

yet really,
you fell in love with me at first sight.

Louis, stop saying it!

But wait,
if you knew you wanted to marry me

from the first moment we met,

why did you say no all those
other times I proposed to you?

Because I wanted to enter the
marriage on equal footing.

Get my Visa situation sorted out first

so that when I did say yes,

you wouldn't think that
I was just marrying you

for a green card.

When I got denied that day,
I didn't have a choice.

It was either marry you

or get deporte and never see you again.

I wasn't gonna do that.

This right here...
This is why I do the job.

Well, I have everything I need.

Jessica Huang, your application
for naturalization is approved.

Congratulations, you two.

Oh, thank you! [Laughs]

Oh, let me help.

Baby, let's go fill up the
Accord with cheap, cheap gas.

Louis. [Chuckles]

They gave me a pocket
copy of the Constitution.

Swear on it.

Swear that you will never
tell the boys my secret.

That you have a criminal record?

Yes, and also that I... you know...

Fell in love with me at first sight?

Yes.

And also the teacher thing.
Especially the teacher thing.

Okay, everyone, we're ready to begin.

Together: I hereby declare on oath

that I will support and
defend the Constitution

and laws of the United States of America

against all enemies
foreign and domestic.

That I will bear true faith
and allegiance to the same.

And that I take this obligation freely,
so help me God.

Welcome,
all of you new American citizens.

[Cheers and applause]

sync and corrected by ninh
www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0