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1
00:00:00,566 --> 00:00:02,999
* All aboard,
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha... *
2
00:00:02,991 --> 00:00:06,623
CHRIS:
In every city, people have disasters they need to survive.
3
00:00:06,612 --> 00:00:08,945
In Miami,
they have hurricanes,
4
00:00:08,937 --> 00:00:11,635
in San Francisco,
they have earthquakes,
5
00:00:11,627 --> 00:00:13,827
and in New York,
we had blackouts.
6
00:00:13,820 --> 00:00:15,885
You never knew when one
was going to happen
7
00:00:15,879 --> 00:00:18,512
and you didn't want to be
on the street when it did.
8
00:00:23,651 --> 00:00:25,817
(indistinct shouting)
9
00:00:25,810 --> 00:00:27,642
(gunfire)
10
00:00:27,637 --> 00:00:29,903
(glass shattering)
11
00:00:29,896 --> 00:00:32,495
* Crazy... *
12
00:00:32,487 --> 00:00:34,753
WOMAN: Look out!
* But that's how it goes... *
13
00:00:34,746 --> 00:00:36,579
(tires screech, car crashes)
14
00:00:38,199 --> 00:00:40,098
Hey, Chris.
15
00:00:40,093 --> 00:00:41,292
I can't believe this.
16
00:00:41,288 --> 00:00:43,754
There's rioting, looting.
17
00:00:43,747 --> 00:00:45,579
People are
getting killed.
18
00:00:45,573 --> 00:00:47,138
I know, it's tragic.
19
00:00:47,134 --> 00:00:49,033
Tragic?
It's great.
20
00:00:49,027 --> 00:00:50,460
Stay up.
21
00:00:50,456 --> 00:00:54,155
(tires screeching, gunfire)
22
00:00:54,143 --> 00:00:55,342
(yells)
23
00:00:55,338 --> 00:00:57,804
Oh!
24
00:00:57,797 --> 00:01:00,129
Help, let me in,
there's a blackout.
25
00:01:00,121 --> 00:01:01,420
WOMAN:
Go away, get out of here!
26
00:01:01,417 --> 00:01:03,483
Next to "We're
the Jehovah's Witnesses,
27
00:01:03,477 --> 00:01:05,142
can we have a minute
of your time,"
28
00:01:05,137 --> 00:01:07,703
"Let me in, there's a blackout"
is the only guarantee
29
00:01:07,695 --> 00:01:09,361
somebody will not open a door.
30
00:01:09,356 --> 00:01:10,555
(knocking)
31
00:01:10,551 --> 00:01:11,949
Help!
32
00:01:11,945 --> 00:01:15,211
(grunts)
33
00:01:15,201 --> 00:01:16,534
* I'm goin' off the rails... *
34
00:01:16,530 --> 00:01:20,028
(gun cocks)
MAN: Hey.
35
00:01:20,017 --> 00:01:21,584
Don't you move a muscle.
36
00:01:21,579 --> 00:01:23,578
I survived
the blackout outside,
37
00:01:23,572 --> 00:01:26,270
now I needed to survive
the next worst thing:
38
00:01:26,262 --> 00:01:28,161
a white man inside.
39
00:01:28,155 --> 00:01:29,422
( funky hip-hop theme playing )
40
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:42,466
* Ah, make it funky now. *
41
00:01:59,728 --> 00:02:02,827
CHRIS:
There's always one white person left in a black neighborhood
42
00:02:02,817 --> 00:02:04,549
after all the other ones leave.
43
00:02:04,544 --> 00:02:06,077
Maybe he was going
to tell the others
44
00:02:06,073 --> 00:02:07,373
when it was safe to come back.
45
00:02:07,369 --> 00:02:08,834
All right,
put your hands down.
46
00:02:08,830 --> 00:02:10,695
I'm sorry, I wasn't trying
to break into your house.
47
00:02:10,689 --> 00:02:12,855
The door was open, I was just
trying to get off the street.
48
00:02:12,849 --> 00:02:16,082
Don't you know better than
to be outside in a blackout?
49
00:02:16,071 --> 00:02:18,136
You don't remember what
happened here in 1977?
50
00:02:18,130 --> 00:02:20,029
You've been around
here that long?
51
00:02:20,023 --> 00:02:21,622
Lived here all my life.
52
00:02:21,617 --> 00:02:23,083
Sixty years.
53
00:02:23,079 --> 00:02:24,811
Wow, you're probably
like the last white guy
54
00:02:24,806 --> 00:02:25,905
in the neighborhood.
55
00:02:25,902 --> 00:02:28,202
Probably am.
Did a lot of white people
56
00:02:28,195 --> 00:02:30,693
used to live around here?
"A lot" of white people?
57
00:02:30,685 --> 00:02:32,450
It wasallwhite people.
58
00:02:32,445 --> 00:02:33,678
It was a whiteout.
59
00:02:33,675 --> 00:02:36,440
It was great.
The men were polite.
60
00:02:36,431 --> 00:02:37,631
Allow me, madam.
61
00:02:37,628 --> 00:02:40,560
Oh, thank you, sir.
62
00:02:40,550 --> 00:02:43,049
When's the last time
you seen a guy do that?
63
00:02:43,041 --> 00:02:45,740
When's the last time
you saw somebody do that?
64
00:02:45,732 --> 00:02:47,065
You got milk delivered
65
00:02:47,061 --> 00:02:48,893
to your houses?
66
00:02:48,888 --> 00:02:50,187
LEVINE:
Cereal too.
67
00:02:50,183 --> 00:02:51,815
Somebody would come
by and drink the milk
68
00:02:51,810 --> 00:02:53,143
out of the bowl
when you were done.
69
00:02:53,139 --> 00:02:55,604
It couldn't have
been all great.
70
00:02:55,597 --> 00:02:57,696
We had crime,
71
00:02:57,689 --> 00:02:59,354
but the criminals
were nice.
72
00:02:59,349 --> 00:03:01,649
Excuse me, sir, but may I
bother you for your wallet?
73
00:03:01,642 --> 00:03:03,809
Why, of course.
74
00:03:05,827 --> 00:03:07,359
Wow.
75
00:03:07,355 --> 00:03:09,287
So when did
it all change?
76
00:03:09,281 --> 00:03:11,948
When Willie Harris
moved in.
77
00:03:14,231 --> 00:03:15,865
(screaming)
78
00:03:20,541 --> 00:03:22,507
After that,
I didn't go out much.
79
00:03:22,501 --> 00:03:24,200
Just wasn't the same.
80
00:03:24,195 --> 00:03:25,894
They replaced the crackers
with crack.
81
00:03:25,889 --> 00:03:28,622
NEWSCASTER (over radio):
This is the worst blackout
82
00:03:28,613 --> 00:03:30,445
since 1977.
83
00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:32,973
When asked to describe it,
one New Yorker said,
84
00:03:32,965 --> 00:03:34,730
"It looked black out,"
85
00:03:34,725 --> 00:03:37,058
while another said, "It was
like the opposite of day."
86
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:38,548
Well, better get home.
87
00:03:38,544 --> 00:03:40,577
All right, well, first turn
your pockets inside out.
88
00:03:40,571 --> 00:03:41,903
You think I stole something?
89
00:03:41,899 --> 00:03:44,197
No, I'm just a freaky old man
90
00:03:44,190 --> 00:03:46,156
likes to see the inside
of pockets.
91
00:03:46,150 --> 00:03:47,683
Yeah, I think you
stole something.
92
00:03:47,679 --> 00:03:49,511
You've been watching me
the whole time.
93
00:03:49,505 --> 00:03:51,704
With a gun.
94
00:03:51,697 --> 00:03:53,830
Look, I don't know
how Houdini did it
95
00:03:53,824 --> 00:03:56,155
and I don't know
how you do it.
96
00:03:56,148 --> 00:03:58,382
(sighs)
97
00:04:00,633 --> 00:04:02,632
You know, everybody around
here isn't a criminal.
98
00:04:02,626 --> 00:04:04,458
If you talked to more people,
you'd know that.
99
00:04:04,452 --> 00:04:07,451
All I need to know is that you
didn't take any of my stuff.
100
00:04:07,442 --> 00:04:10,408
Now, beat it, and don't tell
nobody you were down here.
101
00:04:10,398 --> 00:04:13,931
Back at home, everybody
was talking except me.
102
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:16,051
All the lights went out and then
these guys came in Doc's
103
00:04:16,044 --> 00:04:18,076
and Doc said they could loot,
but they were gonna do it
104
00:04:18,070 --> 00:04:20,036
with a bullet in their behind--
And then they left.
105
00:04:20,030 --> 00:04:22,363
It was so cool.
TONYA: We came from Nessa's
106
00:04:22,356 --> 00:04:25,255
and this crazy guy
just snatched Mom's purse.
107
00:04:25,245 --> 00:04:27,144
That's $56.43 worth
of purse snatching.
108
00:04:27,139 --> 00:04:29,371
Yes, honey, I'm fine.
109
00:04:29,364 --> 00:04:32,363
Anyway, now I
got to go down
110
00:04:32,353 --> 00:04:34,386
to the DMV
to get my license replaced.
111
00:04:34,380 --> 00:04:35,945
Where were you, Chris?
112
00:04:35,940 --> 00:04:37,840
With the Grand Wizard
of Bed-Stuy.
113
00:04:37,835 --> 00:04:40,966
I was, um,
hiding under a car.
114
00:04:40,956 --> 00:04:42,955
I got this.
115
00:04:42,948 --> 00:04:45,414
TONYA:
Where were you, Daddy?
116
00:04:45,407 --> 00:04:46,773
I was asleep.
117
00:04:46,769 --> 00:04:49,368
You slept through the worst
blackout in ten years?
118
00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:50,759
What's the difference?
119
00:04:50,755 --> 00:04:52,254
I wouldn't have seen
it if I was awake
120
00:04:52,249 --> 00:04:54,481
and I couldn't
see it in my sleep.
121
00:04:54,474 --> 00:04:55,939
Oh, well, since you
got so much sleep,
122
00:04:55,935 --> 00:04:57,335
you go get dinner.
123
00:04:57,331 --> 00:04:59,197
Sit down, kids.
124
00:05:01,317 --> 00:05:03,283
While I was getting over
the blackout,
125
00:05:03,277 --> 00:05:04,842
Greg was trying to stand out.
126
00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:06,237
Hey, Chris and Greg.
127
00:05:06,233 --> 00:05:07,633
Hey, Maria.
128
00:05:07,629 --> 00:05:08,927
Did you see that?
129
00:05:08,923 --> 00:05:10,855
See what?
130
00:05:10,849 --> 00:05:12,816
Watch this.
131
00:05:14,902 --> 00:05:17,767
Hi, Chris and Greg.
132
00:05:17,758 --> 00:05:19,824
She said hi.
So what?
133
00:05:19,817 --> 00:05:21,584
No, she said,
"Hi, Chris and Greg."
134
00:05:21,579 --> 00:05:22,810
You were nowhere near me.
135
00:05:22,807 --> 00:05:24,006
I've got no identity.
136
00:05:24,003 --> 00:05:25,102
I'm sick of it.
137
00:05:25,099 --> 00:05:26,399
I'm not Greg,
I'm Chris-and-Greg.
138
00:05:26,395 --> 00:05:27,394
I'm just a sidekick.
139
00:05:27,392 --> 00:05:29,357
You're not a sidekick.
140
00:05:29,351 --> 00:05:30,716
That's what Batman told Robin.
141
00:05:30,712 --> 00:05:32,112
Yeah, you're right.
142
00:05:32,108 --> 00:05:33,673
Sidekicks have their
own identities.
143
00:05:33,668 --> 00:05:36,434
Tonto, Hutch,
Watson, Robin, Kato,
144
00:05:36,426 --> 00:05:39,292
Tattoo, Chong,
Poncho, 99, Tubbs.
145
00:05:39,282 --> 00:05:41,814
I don't want to be Chris-and-
Greg for the rest of my life.
146
00:05:41,806 --> 00:05:44,239
Governor Chris-and-Greg
was arrested today
147
00:05:44,232 --> 00:05:47,064
on prostitution
and racketeering charges.
148
00:05:47,055 --> 00:05:50,087
Governor Chris-and-Greg
was elected two years ago
149
00:05:50,077 --> 00:05:51,577
on a law and order platform,
150
00:05:51,573 --> 00:05:53,971
and now
Governor Chris-and-Greg
151
00:05:53,963 --> 00:05:55,695
faces up to three
years in prison.
152
00:05:55,690 --> 00:05:57,356
Why is it Chris
and Greg anyways?
153
00:05:57,351 --> 00:05:58,683
Why isn't it Greg and Chris?
154
00:05:58,679 --> 00:06:00,745
Because it's not your show.
155
00:06:00,739 --> 00:06:03,472
While being a sidekick
was getting old,
156
00:06:03,463 --> 00:06:04,995
my mother was feeling young.
157
00:06:04,991 --> 00:06:06,290
* 'Cause I love you
Square biz *
158
00:06:06,286 --> 00:06:07,519
What's going on with you?
159
00:06:07,516 --> 00:06:09,248
Translation:
"Have you been drinking?"
160
00:06:09,243 --> 00:06:11,075
Well, before I got
my new driver's license,
161
00:06:11,069 --> 00:06:12,701
I had to get a copy
of my birth certificate.
162
00:06:12,697 --> 00:06:14,363
Come to find out
163
00:06:14,358 --> 00:06:16,324
I am one year younger
than what I thought I was,
164
00:06:16,318 --> 00:06:18,050
so I'm happy.
165
00:06:18,045 --> 00:06:20,411
So how come you're just
finding out how old you are?
166
00:06:20,403 --> 00:06:22,335
Well, that's what I had
to ask my mother.
167
00:06:22,329 --> 00:06:24,128
Are you sure
she's your mother?
168
00:06:24,123 --> 00:06:28,955
because, technically, you were
born a year after she had you.
169
00:06:28,939 --> 00:06:31,005
Yeah, she's my mother.
170
00:06:30,999 --> 00:06:33,531
Oh, see, she had to get me
into kindergarten early,
171
00:06:33,523 --> 00:06:36,289
so she lied about my age
and forgot to tell me.
172
00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:37,478
Congratulations.
173
00:06:37,475 --> 00:06:38,942
I'm so happy for you.
174
00:06:38,937 --> 00:06:40,236
Thank you, baby.
175
00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:41,865
I'm so young.
176
00:06:41,860 --> 00:06:44,092
(laughs)
177
00:06:44,085 --> 00:06:46,184
* I'm talkin' square biz
To you, baby... *
178
00:06:46,178 --> 00:06:48,077
Come on, come on,
sing it with me, baby.
179
00:06:48,071 --> 00:06:49,970
* Square biz! *
180
00:06:49,964 --> 00:06:52,897
CHRIS:
Since Mr. Levine did me a favor when the lights went out,
181
00:06:52,888 --> 00:06:56,519
I thought I'd do him a favor
after they were back on.
182
00:06:56,507 --> 00:06:58,007
What do you want?
183
00:06:58,003 --> 00:06:59,368
Well, I know you don't
get out much,
184
00:06:59,364 --> 00:07:00,864
so I thought
maybe we could take a walk.
185
00:07:00,860 --> 00:07:02,525
I could introduce you
to some of the people.
186
00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:04,919
What are you, a Good Samaritan?
In Brooklyn,
187
00:07:04,911 --> 00:07:06,343
being nice
only aroused suspicion.
188
00:07:06,339 --> 00:07:09,972
Come on, you can see how some
of the things have changed.
189
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:12,226
I don't just go out whenever,
I have my routine.
190
00:07:12,219 --> 00:07:13,617
I get my groceries
in the morning,
191
00:07:13,613 --> 00:07:15,712
I get my walk in before
the hooligans come out,
192
00:07:15,706 --> 00:07:17,505
I'm back before the judge
show comes on.
193
00:07:17,500 --> 00:07:18,733
My nap, lunch.
194
00:07:18,729 --> 00:07:20,728
President Bush had
that same routine.
195
00:07:20,722 --> 00:07:22,954
Look, it'll only
be for a little while.
196
00:07:22,947 --> 00:07:23,946
It'll be fun.
197
00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:25,476
All right, fine,
198
00:07:25,471 --> 00:07:26,937
to get you off my back,
we'll do it tomorrow.
199
00:07:26,933 --> 00:07:28,932
You know,
I don't know your name.
200
00:07:28,926 --> 00:07:31,258
Levine, Stan Levine.
201
00:07:31,251 --> 00:07:32,951
I'm Chris.
All right.
202
00:07:32,946 --> 00:07:34,711
Hey, hey, turn your
pockets inside out.
203
00:07:34,705 --> 00:07:35,904
I didn't even come in.
204
00:07:35,901 --> 00:07:38,768
Inside out, Houdini,
you could have my mail.
205
00:07:45,201 --> 00:07:46,934
While I emptied my pockets,
206
00:07:46,929 --> 00:07:50,128
my mother went
to empty my father's pockets.
207
00:07:50,118 --> 00:07:51,316
You going to work
like that?
208
00:07:51,312 --> 00:07:52,712
I'm not going to work.
209
00:07:52,708 --> 00:07:53,907
I'm going shopping.
210
00:07:53,904 --> 00:07:55,137
Shopping?
211
00:07:55,134 --> 00:07:57,133
Julius, all I got
is old lady clothes.
212
00:07:57,127 --> 00:07:58,759
I got to get me some
new, young stuff.
213
00:07:58,754 --> 00:08:01,886
I got to get some new,
young money.
214
00:08:01,876 --> 00:08:03,975
Out on the street,
we took a slow stroll
215
00:08:03,968 --> 00:08:05,867
while I brought
Mr. Levine up to speed.
216
00:08:05,862 --> 00:08:07,694
Used to be an ice cream
stand there.
217
00:08:07,688 --> 00:08:09,287
Oh, that's where
they sell crack now.
218
00:08:09,283 --> 00:08:11,515
DEALER:
This is the good stuff; gonna cost you more.
219
00:08:11,508 --> 00:08:12,841
All right.
Got it all here?
220
00:08:12,837 --> 00:08:15,970
That's where Jerry and Becky
Rosenthal got married.
221
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:18,325
Yeah, that's where Petey Pete
got Tisha-T pregnant.
222
00:08:18,318 --> 00:08:21,817
That's where Jacob Cohen
got shot 30 years ago.
223
00:08:21,805 --> 00:08:24,470
Oh, that's where that guy
is about to get shot right now.
224
00:08:24,462 --> 00:08:27,228
Eat lead!
Okay.
225
00:08:27,219 --> 00:08:30,218
Hey, everybody.
MONK: Hey, what's up, Chris?
226
00:08:30,208 --> 00:08:32,008
Man, who's this?
227
00:08:32,003 --> 00:08:33,568
Oh, this is Mr. Levine.
228
00:08:33,563 --> 00:08:34,829
Mr. Levine,
this is Kill Moves.
229
00:08:34,826 --> 00:08:37,591
How you doing, Mr. Levine?
And Monk.
230
00:08:37,582 --> 00:08:39,915
You bring me out of the house
to meet a roomful of shvartzers?
231
00:08:39,908 --> 00:08:43,774
Okay, didn't expect him
to say that.
232
00:08:48,344 --> 00:08:49,976
Mr. Levine learned to talk
233
00:08:49,971 --> 00:08:52,137
before language became
politically correct,
234
00:08:52,130 --> 00:08:54,129
so now he had to deal
with SWA:
235
00:08:54,123 --> 00:08:56,322
shvartzers with attitude.
236
00:08:56,316 --> 00:08:59,182
Hey, man,
watch your mouth.
237
00:08:59,172 --> 00:09:00,604
You can't be
saying that word
238
00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:02,232
unless you want
to get your ass kicked
239
00:09:02,228 --> 00:09:04,960
by a room full of shvartzers.
240
00:09:04,951 --> 00:09:08,084
Come on, Doc,
why you saying that, man?
241
00:09:08,074 --> 00:09:09,440
Hey, what's that
word mean anyway?
242
00:09:09,436 --> 00:09:10,535
It's Yiddish for "black."
243
00:09:10,532 --> 00:09:12,631
Oh!
Monk, what's wrong with you?
244
00:09:12,625 --> 00:09:14,023
What is wrong with you?
I'm sorry.
245
00:09:14,019 --> 00:09:15,918
Hold on.
246
00:09:15,912 --> 00:09:18,747
Doc Harris?
247
00:09:19,833 --> 00:09:22,997
Hm. Stanley Levine.
248
00:09:22,987 --> 00:09:25,087
Y'all know each other?
DOC: Yeah.
249
00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:27,612
This clown stole
my girlfriend.
250
00:09:27,604 --> 00:09:29,437
You used to be a clown?
251
00:09:29,432 --> 00:09:30,631
LEVINE:
I didn't steal her.
252
00:09:30,628 --> 00:09:32,193
you lost her.
253
00:09:32,188 --> 00:09:33,521
When you stole her.
254
00:09:33,517 --> 00:09:35,482
Chris, what you doing hanging
with this guy anyway?
255
00:09:35,476 --> 00:09:37,275
I got trapped outside
during the blackout
256
00:09:37,270 --> 00:09:39,069
and he let me hide in his
house till it was over.
257
00:09:39,064 --> 00:09:40,764
Did you see my woman in there?
258
00:09:40,759 --> 00:09:42,057
You should check his pockets.
259
00:09:42,053 --> 00:09:43,753
I knew coming here
was a bad idea.
260
00:09:43,748 --> 00:09:45,912
Same words spoken
by every white person
261
00:09:45,905 --> 00:09:48,838
in Bed-Stuy since 1964.
262
00:09:48,829 --> 00:09:50,794
While I dealt
with the crazy old man,
263
00:09:50,788 --> 00:09:52,655
Peaches dealt
with a crazy young woman.
264
00:09:52,649 --> 00:09:54,947
♪ I got the best, the most
Baby, from coast to coast ♪
265
00:09:54,940 --> 00:09:58,006
♪ And I don't wanna boast
'Cause I love you, square biz ♪
266
00:09:57,997 --> 00:10:01,163
♪ I'm talkin' square biz
To you, baby ♪
267
00:10:01,152 --> 00:10:03,651
♪ Square, square biz ♪
268
00:10:03,643 --> 00:10:05,375
So what you think?
269
00:10:05,370 --> 00:10:07,369
I think a leopard cub
is missing his mommy.
270
00:10:07,363 --> 00:10:08,563
(giggling)
271
00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:10,592
It's a'ight.
272
00:10:10,586 --> 00:10:12,351
"A'ight"?
273
00:10:12,346 --> 00:10:13,678
I thought you knew
what was going on.
274
00:10:13,674 --> 00:10:15,340
This is what's
happening now.
275
00:10:15,335 --> 00:10:16,401
If you're a leopard.
276
00:10:16,398 --> 00:10:17,997
Who told you that?
277
00:10:17,992 --> 00:10:19,824
This girl I met
at the mall named Kiki.
278
00:10:19,819 --> 00:10:21,485
I mean, we're about
the same age,
279
00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:23,579
we like the same things,
we have the same interests.
280
00:10:23,573 --> 00:10:25,172
She's 40
281
00:10:25,167 --> 00:10:26,866
and likes to yell
at people too?
282
00:10:26,861 --> 00:10:28,560
Mm-hm. How old is she?
283
00:10:28,555 --> 00:10:29,887
Twenty-nine.
284
00:10:29,883 --> 00:10:31,382
Twenty-nine?
285
00:10:31,378 --> 00:10:32,777
You have bras
older than that.
286
00:10:32,773 --> 00:10:34,672
Gerald Ford was still president
when you were 29.
287
00:10:34,666 --> 00:10:36,065
When you were 29,
288
00:10:36,061 --> 00:10:38,626
Captain and Tennile was still
at the top of the charts.
289
00:10:38,618 --> 00:10:39,951
When you was 29,
290
00:10:39,948 --> 00:10:42,081
Generalissimo Francisco Franco
still had a country--
291
00:10:42,074 --> 00:10:44,839
Okay, okay, okay.
--when you was 29.
292
00:10:44,830 --> 00:10:46,929
I'm not 29.
293
00:10:46,923 --> 00:10:48,955
Rochelle, I can't believe
you're gonna hang out
294
00:10:48,949 --> 00:10:50,049
with a girl like that.
295
00:10:50,046 --> 00:10:51,677
Got you all out
in clubs and stuff.
296
00:10:51,672 --> 00:10:53,039
Yeah.
Next thing you know,
297
00:10:53,035 --> 00:10:55,600
You be posing for Jet
"Beauty of the Week."
298
00:10:55,592 --> 00:10:57,325
The special
"Slight Tummy" edition.
299
00:10:57,320 --> 00:11:00,185
Everybody looking at you,
knowing all your business.
300
00:11:00,176 --> 00:11:02,209
Your hobbies and your signs
and stuff.
301
00:11:02,202 --> 00:11:03,867
Peaches, okay, I understand
302
00:11:03,863 --> 00:11:05,829
that you are trying
to look out for me,
303
00:11:05,823 --> 00:11:07,989
but I'm just trying
to have some fun.
304
00:11:07,982 --> 00:11:09,947
You are a married woman.
305
00:11:09,941 --> 00:11:13,473
You ain't got no business
having fun.
306
00:11:13,461 --> 00:11:18,328
Peaches, I don't care
what you say, all right?
307
00:11:18,312 --> 00:11:19,810
Age is just a state of mind.
308
00:11:19,806 --> 00:11:21,505
(scoffs)
309
00:11:21,500 --> 00:11:23,999
Okay, well, it's not my fault
you feel old.
310
00:11:23,991 --> 00:11:27,324
Just 'cause you acting
crazy now, I'm old?
311
00:11:27,313 --> 00:11:29,745
Oh, you know what,
go to the club then. Bye.
312
00:11:29,738 --> 00:11:31,403
Bye.
Spush.
313
00:11:31,398 --> 00:11:32,397
I'm going.
Spush.
314
00:11:32,394 --> 00:11:34,194
Spush to you.
315
00:11:34,189 --> 00:11:37,288
Back at school, Greg was doing
more wardrobe changes
316
00:11:37,278 --> 00:11:39,610
than Beyonce in concert.
317
00:11:39,603 --> 00:11:41,069
Janet Jackson?
318
00:11:41,064 --> 00:11:43,063
You're dressed like
Janet Jackson?
319
00:11:43,057 --> 00:11:45,522
Almost as weird
as dressing like Michael.
320
00:11:45,515 --> 00:11:47,514
I'm in control.
321
00:11:47,508 --> 00:11:49,407
You're in a woman suit.
322
00:11:49,401 --> 00:11:50,568
And that wasn't the last time.
323
00:11:54,018 --> 00:11:56,683
While Greg was
at an all-time high,
324
00:11:56,675 --> 00:11:59,374
Mr. Levine hit
an all-time low.
325
00:11:59,365 --> 00:12:00,564
Stan, your door's open.
326
00:12:00,561 --> 00:12:02,195
Doc, call an ambulance.
327
00:12:05,477 --> 00:12:07,343
What did you do?
I didn't do anything.
328
00:12:07,337 --> 00:12:08,870
I just got here
and I found him like this.
329
00:12:08,866 --> 00:12:11,397
The last guy
that said that ended up
330
00:12:11,389 --> 00:12:14,423
in a slow-speed Bronco chase
on the way to Mexico.
331
00:12:18,564 --> 00:12:20,463
The only thing scarier than
a man almost dying
332
00:12:20,458 --> 00:12:22,323
is being the one
that almost killed him.
333
00:12:22,317 --> 00:12:24,817
I thought walking and meeting
people would be good for him.
334
00:12:24,809 --> 00:12:26,075
I didn't know
he had a weak heart.
335
00:12:26,072 --> 00:12:26,904
He's old, Chris.
336
00:12:26,902 --> 00:12:28,934
Everything on him is weak.
337
00:12:28,927 --> 00:12:30,126
What were you thinking?
338
00:12:30,123 --> 00:12:31,288
You got him out running around
339
00:12:31,285 --> 00:12:32,785
like he's Carl Lewis
or something.
340
00:12:32,781 --> 00:12:34,813
He forgot
four prescriptions.
341
00:12:34,807 --> 00:12:37,239
He got pills to take
for everything.
342
00:12:37,231 --> 00:12:39,064
From his heart beating
to blinking his eyes.
343
00:12:39,058 --> 00:12:42,124
He's even got a pill to help
him remember to take his pills.
344
00:12:42,115 --> 00:12:43,613
You think he'll be okay?
345
00:12:43,608 --> 00:12:45,240
At this age,
346
00:12:45,236 --> 00:12:48,236
you can get over anything
with a good nap.
347
00:12:52,610 --> 00:12:54,609
While my mother was getting
ready for her night out,
348
00:12:54,603 --> 00:12:56,602
my father was worried
about eating in.
349
00:12:56,596 --> 00:12:58,161
Hi, Peaches.
Hi, Julius.
350
00:12:58,157 --> 00:12:59,656
What is this?
351
00:12:59,651 --> 00:13:00,817
A TV dinner.
352
00:13:00,814 --> 00:13:02,379
It looked better on TV.
353
00:13:02,375 --> 00:13:03,675
How come you didn't cook?
354
00:13:03,671 --> 00:13:06,436
Because I needed to get
my outfit together.
355
00:13:06,427 --> 00:13:08,293
She needs to get
her head together.
356
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:09,787
What's that?
357
00:13:09,782 --> 00:13:12,314
It's what the young people
are wearing these days.
358
00:13:12,306 --> 00:13:15,205
Is this what the young people
are eating these days?
359
00:13:15,196 --> 00:13:17,195
Julius, look, I promise,
before I go out tomorrow
360
00:13:17,189 --> 00:13:18,421
I'll cook for you, okay?
361
00:13:18,418 --> 00:13:19,651
Now, baby, just go.
362
00:13:19,647 --> 00:13:22,446
Bye, Peaches.
Bye, Julius.
363
00:13:22,437 --> 00:13:25,970
Rochelle, I don't like
what's happening to you.
364
00:13:25,959 --> 00:13:27,824
You're dressing like
a teenager, wearing wigs.
365
00:13:27,818 --> 00:13:28,751
You just look ridiculous.
366
00:13:31,538 --> 00:13:34,003
Nothing is happening
to me, okay?
367
00:13:33,995 --> 00:13:36,128
I'm just going out
to a few clubs with Kiki.
368
00:13:36,122 --> 00:13:38,788
You ever wonder why Kiki want
to hang with someone your age?
369
00:13:38,779 --> 00:13:42,411
Don't you start with
that 29 thing again.
370
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:45,099
Girl, you know what,
371
00:13:45,090 --> 00:13:47,289
you ever have
a fat friend?
372
00:13:47,282 --> 00:13:48,947
A fat friend?
373
00:13:48,942 --> 00:13:50,542
Yeah, girl,
you hang out with her
374
00:13:50,538 --> 00:13:52,170
so everybody else
pay attention to you.
375
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:53,364
So?
376
00:13:53,361 --> 00:13:54,861
So you're Kiki's fat friend.
377
00:13:54,856 --> 00:13:57,788
Aw, pick up and fetch,
you know it's true.
378
00:13:57,779 --> 00:13:59,778
Peaches, you take that back!
379
00:13:59,772 --> 00:14:03,137
Look, Rochelle,
you may not want to accept it,
380
00:14:03,126 --> 00:14:04,559
but you look like
the girl's mother.
381
00:14:04,555 --> 00:14:05,920
I know, you know it,
and she know it.
382
00:14:05,916 --> 00:14:07,248
I do not!
383
00:14:07,244 --> 00:14:08,377
All right, fine.
384
00:14:08,374 --> 00:14:09,939
Believe what you want,
385
00:14:09,935 --> 00:14:11,501
but don't say I
didn't tell you so.
386
00:14:11,496 --> 00:14:12,895
That's what I'm talking, baby.
387
00:14:12,891 --> 00:14:14,024
♪ Square biz ♪
388
00:14:15,283 --> 00:14:17,417
♪ Square biz ♪
389
00:14:20,165 --> 00:14:22,431
While my mother went out
with a young woman,
390
00:14:22,424 --> 00:14:25,023
Mr. Levine got
a visit from one.
391
00:14:25,015 --> 00:14:28,314
I'm sorry, I think you've
got the wrong room.
392
00:14:28,303 --> 00:14:30,102
That's Stan Levine, right?
393
00:14:30,097 --> 00:14:33,263
Yeah.
394
00:14:33,253 --> 00:14:34,918
Then this is the right room.
395
00:14:34,913 --> 00:14:36,112
Who are you?
396
00:14:36,109 --> 00:14:37,275
I'm Chris.
397
00:14:37,272 --> 00:14:39,004
Chris...?
398
00:14:38,998 --> 00:14:41,698
Oh, you're the one
that almost killed him.
399
00:14:41,690 --> 00:14:43,854
I was just trying to take him
out for a walk.
400
00:14:43,847 --> 00:14:45,846
That almost killed him.
Who are you anyway?
401
00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:48,073
I'm Lisa Levine, his daughter.
402
00:14:48,066 --> 00:14:49,432
His daughter?
403
00:14:49,428 --> 00:14:50,793
But you're black.
404
00:14:50,790 --> 00:14:52,223
Depends on who you ask.
405
00:14:52,219 --> 00:14:54,084
You're black.
Are you his kid too?
406
00:14:54,078 --> 00:14:55,344
No.
407
00:14:55,340 --> 00:14:56,939
How about Angelina Jolie's?
408
00:14:56,935 --> 00:14:58,601
I'm sorry.
409
00:14:58,596 --> 00:15:00,761
Look, I was just trying
to get him out of the house.
410
00:15:00,754 --> 00:15:02,354
It's not your fault.
411
00:15:02,350 --> 00:15:04,748
He shouldn't be living
alone at his age, anyway.
412
00:15:04,740 --> 00:15:07,173
Listen, I don't really
know this neighborhood.
413
00:15:07,165 --> 00:15:09,663
You think you can show me
where his apartment is?
414
00:15:09,656 --> 00:15:11,056
I need to pack up his things
415
00:15:11,052 --> 00:15:12,884
so I can take him
back to Vegas.
416
00:15:12,878 --> 00:15:14,211
You're taking him to Las Vegas?
417
00:15:14,207 --> 00:15:15,738
I have to.
418
00:15:15,734 --> 00:15:17,000
I can't be running back here
419
00:15:16,997 --> 00:15:19,629
every time he forgets
to take a pill.
420
00:15:19,620 --> 00:15:21,520
I'm going to put him
in a retirement home.
421
00:15:21,514 --> 00:15:22,879
Hope it's segregated.
422
00:15:22,876 --> 00:15:24,076
I'll be right back.
423
00:15:24,072 --> 00:15:25,571
I got to talk to his doctors.
424
00:15:28,124 --> 00:15:30,123
LEVINE:
Hey, kid.
425
00:15:30,117 --> 00:15:32,517
Is she gone?
426
00:15:32,509 --> 00:15:33,840
Yeah. How you feeling?
427
00:15:33,837 --> 00:15:35,636
Like you almost killed me.
428
00:15:35,630 --> 00:15:36,996
(sighs)
429
00:15:36,993 --> 00:15:39,426
Hey, how come you have
a black daughter?
430
00:15:39,418 --> 00:15:43,549
You remember when Doc said
I stole his girlfriend?
431
00:15:43,535 --> 00:15:45,735
Let's just say
it was an inside job.
432
00:15:45,728 --> 00:15:49,860
Okay, can't do the joke
I was thinking.
433
00:15:49,847 --> 00:15:52,347
She wants to take you to Vegas.
I heard.
434
00:15:52,339 --> 00:15:54,670
Now you see why I don't
come out of the house.
435
00:15:54,663 --> 00:15:56,529
All I did was open my door,
436
00:15:56,523 --> 00:15:59,555
try to save your life,
and you try to kill me.
437
00:15:59,545 --> 00:16:01,544
Now she's trying
to stick me in a home.
438
00:16:01,538 --> 00:16:03,537
Next time you want
to do me a favor,
439
00:16:03,531 --> 00:16:06,998
do me a favor: don't.
440
00:16:09,378 --> 00:16:11,409
While Mr. Levine
was heading out,
441
00:16:11,403 --> 00:16:13,936
my mother was trying to get in.
442
00:16:13,928 --> 00:16:15,493
Kiki, what's happening, baby?
443
00:16:15,489 --> 00:16:17,022
(laughing):
You.
444
00:16:17,017 --> 00:16:19,782
Ow, ow.
Whoa.
445
00:16:19,774 --> 00:16:22,573
Why don't you wait here while
things clear out a little bit?
446
00:16:22,564 --> 00:16:24,496
Oh, no, no, you don't
understand, I-I'm with her.
447
00:16:24,490 --> 00:16:26,923
Kiki, you didn't tell me
you were bringing your mother.
448
00:16:26,915 --> 00:16:28,048
How you doing, mama?
449
00:16:28,045 --> 00:16:29,443
Come on in.
450
00:16:29,439 --> 00:16:30,905
I am not her mother.
451
00:16:30,901 --> 00:16:32,567
N-No, that's my
friend Rochelle.
452
00:16:32,562 --> 00:16:34,394
Oh, hey, I thought
it was your mother.
453
00:16:34,389 --> 00:16:36,289
Why don't you chill
out here for a minute
454
00:16:36,283 --> 00:16:38,614
and wait here while things,
uh, thin out?
455
00:16:38,607 --> 00:16:41,840
Kiki! Kiki!
456
00:16:41,829 --> 00:16:43,628
You just gonna
leave me out here?
457
00:16:43,623 --> 00:16:45,321
I'll see you inside.
458
00:16:45,316 --> 00:16:46,749
It won't be too long.
459
00:16:46,745 --> 00:16:48,944
Moves.
460
00:16:48,937 --> 00:16:51,636
How you doing, Moves?
Good to see you, brother.
461
00:16:51,627 --> 00:16:55,326
It was ladies' night,
not oldladies' night.
462
00:16:55,314 --> 00:16:56,980
While my mother
was left hanging,
463
00:16:56,975 --> 00:16:58,440
Mr. Levine got sent packing.
464
00:16:58,436 --> 00:17:00,869
So you're really sending him
to the old folks' home?
465
00:17:00,862 --> 00:17:02,294
I could sell his stuff,
466
00:17:02,290 --> 00:17:03,756
put him on the street,
and buy a car.
467
00:17:03,751 --> 00:17:05,150
What type of car?
A used one.
468
00:17:05,146 --> 00:17:06,812
He doesn't have
that much stuff.
469
00:17:06,808 --> 00:17:09,206
He's lived here his entire life
and you're just gonna move him?
470
00:17:09,198 --> 00:17:10,364
What about his friends?
471
00:17:10,361 --> 00:17:12,527
He doesn't have any.
What about his memories?
472
00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:15,053
He's old, he'll forget 'em.
You want somebody to move you?
473
00:17:15,045 --> 00:17:17,276
If somebody tried
to kill me, yeah.
474
00:17:17,269 --> 00:17:18,869
So that's it?
475
00:17:18,865 --> 00:17:20,563
I got to do what
I got to do.
476
00:17:20,558 --> 00:17:22,458
Maybe I should try to kill her.
477
00:17:24,677 --> 00:17:27,576
He said I looked
like her mother.
478
00:17:27,567 --> 00:17:30,066
You're not old.
Yes, I am.
479
00:17:30,058 --> 00:17:32,091
I got kicked
out of the club.
480
00:17:32,085 --> 00:17:35,316
Technically, they just
didn't let you in.
481
00:17:35,305 --> 00:17:36,638
Oh, yeah, that's right.
482
00:17:36,635 --> 00:17:38,801
I was too old to make
it through the door.
483
00:17:38,794 --> 00:17:40,826
Baby, forget those young girls.
484
00:17:40,820 --> 00:17:42,786
They wish they
had what you have,
485
00:17:42,780 --> 00:17:44,345
and as long as
I'm your doorman,
486
00:17:44,340 --> 00:17:47,239
you got a lifelong VIP pass
487
00:17:47,230 --> 00:17:49,429
to a one-woman club.
488
00:17:49,422 --> 00:17:53,621
That is the sweetest thing
you've ever said to me.
489
00:17:53,607 --> 00:17:55,206
Three weeks later,
my mother found
490
00:17:55,202 --> 00:17:56,902
the greeting card
he stole it off of
491
00:17:56,897 --> 00:17:59,762
and refused to talk to him
for the next month.
492
00:17:59,752 --> 00:18:02,484
While my mother was going back
to her old self,
493
00:18:02,476 --> 00:18:03,842
Doc got a taste of his past.
494
00:18:03,838 --> 00:18:06,403
How's your mama?
Not thinking about you.
495
00:18:06,395 --> 00:18:08,428
She's fine.
Fine, not thinking about you.
496
00:18:08,422 --> 00:18:10,287
You look just like her.
497
00:18:10,281 --> 00:18:13,681
And you look like
she ain't thinking about you.
498
00:18:13,670 --> 00:18:15,235
Tell her I said, "Hey."
499
00:18:15,231 --> 00:18:18,030
Will do.
500
00:18:18,021 --> 00:18:19,253
You leaving?
501
00:18:19,249 --> 00:18:20,782
Yeah.
502
00:18:20,778 --> 00:18:22,544
Well, where's your dad?
503
00:18:22,539 --> 00:18:24,905
He's staying.
For real?
504
00:18:24,897 --> 00:18:28,095
We talked about it,
and you were right, Chris.
505
00:18:28,085 --> 00:18:30,151
He's lived here
his whole life.
506
00:18:30,145 --> 00:18:33,010
I'm not going to move him
just to make it easier for me.
507
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:34,833
He wouldn't go, would he?
508
00:18:34,828 --> 00:18:36,660
No.
Hm.
509
00:18:36,654 --> 00:18:38,320
I'm getting him a day nurse.
510
00:18:38,316 --> 00:18:41,515
Because "night nurse"
is a whole other job.
511
00:18:41,504 --> 00:18:43,370
Don't worry,
we'll keep an eye on him.
512
00:18:43,365 --> 00:18:45,298
Thank you.
513
00:18:49,675 --> 00:18:54,175
Back at school, Greg had
officially lost his mind.
514
00:18:59,905 --> 00:19:01,904
Yes.
515
00:19:01,898 --> 00:19:03,164
Hey, Chris-and-Greg.
516
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:05,792
Hey.
517
00:19:05,784 --> 00:19:07,950
Whoa.
518
00:19:07,943 --> 00:19:09,709
It happens to you too.
What does?
519
00:19:09,704 --> 00:19:11,670
They call you Chris-and-Greg
even if I'm not here.
520
00:19:11,664 --> 00:19:13,795
Yeah, that's who we are.
We're Chris and Greg.
521
00:19:13,789 --> 00:19:16,189
Oh, this is great.
I thought I was the only one
522
00:19:16,181 --> 00:19:17,779
who didn't have a personality
of his own,
523
00:19:17,774 --> 00:19:18,773
but you don't either.
524
00:19:18,771 --> 00:19:20,304
Yay! We both suck!
525
00:19:20,299 --> 00:19:23,366
Sorry, Gerard, looks like
I won't be needing you anymore.
526
00:19:25,946 --> 00:19:27,879
Gerard?
527
00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:33,359
After his daughter left,
528
00:19:33,353 --> 00:19:35,186
for the first time,
I saw Mr. Levine
529
00:19:35,181 --> 00:19:36,746
out on the streets,
530
00:19:36,741 --> 00:19:38,240
but with everything
that happened,
531
00:19:38,236 --> 00:19:40,369
I figured it was best
to leave him alone
532
00:19:40,362 --> 00:19:43,095
until I didn't have a choice.
533
00:19:46,441 --> 00:19:48,440
(indistinct shouting)
534
00:19:48,433 --> 00:19:51,865
(gunfire)
535
00:19:51,854 --> 00:19:54,120
Mr. Levine, it's me, Chris,
let me in.
536
00:19:54,113 --> 00:19:55,312
Let me in.
537
00:19:55,309 --> 00:19:56,707
(yells)
538
00:19:56,703 --> 00:19:58,169
Hey, hey, hey.
539
00:19:58,165 --> 00:20:00,964
Last time I let you in,
I went to the hospital,
540
00:20:00,955 --> 00:20:02,987
almost got shipped to the farm,
you did me a favor--
541
00:20:02,981 --> 00:20:05,780
I saw my daughter,
me and Doc patched it up.
542
00:20:05,771 --> 00:20:07,404
You happy?
Now, beat it.
543
00:20:07,399 --> 00:20:09,697
And with that,
Mr. Levine taught me
544
00:20:09,690 --> 00:20:12,357
everything I needed to know
about white people.
545
00:20:16,657 --> 00:20:18,055
(gunfire and shouting continue)
546
00:20:18,056 --> 00:20:21,889
* Everybody hates Chris *
547
00:20:35,258 --> 00:20:37,191
* Ah, make it funky now *
548
00:20:37,241 --> 00:20:41,791
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