Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,646 --> 00:00:03,226
You are not leaving
this table until you
2
00:00:03,252 --> 00:00:04,716
eat all of your
broccoli, young lady.
3
00:00:05,320 --> 00:00:07,288
Great. I've become my mother.
4
00:00:07,322 --> 00:00:09,056
Please, Emma, do it for Daddy.
5
00:00:12,528 --> 00:00:15,430
Okay, how 'bout just this one piece?
6
00:00:17,433 --> 00:00:19,300
Oh! Don't you give me those eyes.
7
00:00:19,334 --> 00:00:21,536
I invented those eyes.
8
00:00:25,340 --> 00:00:28,042
We can do this all night, sister. Okay?
9
00:00:28,077 --> 00:00:30,078
You're not leaving this table
until that plate is clean.
10
00:00:35,551 --> 00:00:37,719
Well played, Emma. Well played.
11
00:00:39,155 --> 00:00:41,256
(theme music playing)
12
00:00:41,290 --> 00:00:44,058
It's amazing how the unexpected
13
00:00:44,093 --> 00:00:46,914
Can take your life
and change direction
14
00:00:47,014 --> 00:00:50,839
- Sync and corrected by TheDelta -
- www.addic7ed.com -
15
00:00:50,933 --> 00:00:52,534
(dings)
16
00:00:52,568 --> 00:00:56,237
Well, pretty sure you're the first
guy to pass out in a Lamaze class.
17
00:00:56,272 --> 00:00:58,173
You know, it's comforting to
know that during the birth,
18
00:00:58,207 --> 00:01:00,008
you'll be right there by my side...
19
00:01:00,042 --> 00:01:01,432
unconscious.
20
00:01:01,911 --> 00:01:03,996
I'm sorry, but nobody
told me we were
21
00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:06,081
gonna see a video
of an actual birth.
22
00:01:06,115 --> 00:01:08,016
God, I hope I never see that again!
23
00:01:09,652 --> 00:01:10,752
Maybe nobody noticed.
24
00:01:10,786 --> 00:01:12,587
Ha! Yeah, well, if they
didn't hear you snoring,
25
00:01:12,622 --> 00:01:13,688
they definitely heard you giggle
26
00:01:13,723 --> 00:01:14,856
every time the instructor said
27
00:01:14,890 --> 00:01:17,192
- "vagina."
- (Giggles)
28
00:01:18,995 --> 00:01:21,396
Well, of course, I
thought you said "yogurt."
29
00:01:21,430 --> 00:01:24,332
I mean, why would I want to get
all sweaty and bendy with you?
30
00:01:25,835 --> 00:01:27,736
Oh, whoa!
31
00:01:27,770 --> 00:01:29,704
Is it just me or are you twice as big
32
00:01:29,739 --> 00:01:30,872
as the last time I saw you?
33
00:01:32,475 --> 00:01:34,242
Well, I just came by
to make you an offer
34
00:01:34,276 --> 00:01:35,744
you can't refuse.
35
00:01:35,778 --> 00:01:37,278
So, it turns out that Brad and I
36
00:01:37,313 --> 00:01:38,580
can't take that cruise we booked,
37
00:01:38,614 --> 00:01:41,016
because one of us committed a felony,
38
00:01:41,050 --> 00:01:42,217
and is in jail.
39
00:01:43,419 --> 00:01:46,021
My money was so on you in that scenario.
40
00:01:47,156 --> 00:01:48,957
Well, the tickets are nonrefundable,
41
00:01:48,991 --> 00:01:50,291
so, I thought you might like to go.
42
00:01:50,326 --> 00:01:52,627
Oh my God, really? A cruise?
43
00:01:52,662 --> 00:01:53,928
I've... I've
never been on one.
44
00:01:53,963 --> 00:01:56,131
- Mrs. Wheeler that's so amaze...
- Okay, shh.
45
00:01:57,900 --> 00:02:00,101
Not you and Danny.
46
00:02:00,136 --> 00:02:02,404
Me and Danny, okay?
47
00:02:02,438 --> 00:02:05,774
I mean, do you really want to
be seen in a bikini right now?
48
00:02:05,808 --> 00:02:08,076
Me thinks not.
49
00:02:08,110 --> 00:02:12,113
Plus, I thought it would be a
really fun mother/son bonding trip.
50
00:02:12,148 --> 00:02:14,983
I mean, somebody never lets
us have any fun anymore.
51
00:02:18,087 --> 00:02:20,822
Oh, man, wow!
52
00:02:20,856 --> 00:02:22,791
Just wow, but...
53
00:02:22,825 --> 00:02:24,526
I don't know, Mom. I mean,
54
00:02:24,560 --> 00:02:26,795
we've been pretty busy with
these Lablahzery classes.
55
00:02:28,497 --> 00:02:30,532
Ah, Lamaze.
56
00:02:30,566 --> 00:02:32,200
The poor man's epidural.
57
00:02:35,037 --> 00:02:37,038
Yeah, but they're super
important to Riley.
58
00:02:37,073 --> 00:02:39,353
Oh, oh, you know, we're
good. It was a special.
59
00:02:39,408 --> 00:02:42,477
One and done. We are 100%
ready to have this baby.
60
00:02:42,511 --> 00:02:44,369
Hey, Tucker, can I talk
to you for a second?
61
00:02:44,614 --> 00:02:46,748
I mean, I doubt it.
You're pretty long-winded.
62
00:02:48,217 --> 00:02:51,620
Danny, this cruise is
gonna be so much fun!
63
00:02:51,654 --> 00:02:53,622
You know, I took a Lamaze class once.
64
00:02:53,656 --> 00:02:55,290
I got thrown out for giggling every time
65
00:02:55,324 --> 00:02:57,459
the instructor said "vagina."
66
00:02:57,493 --> 00:02:58,593
(both laughing)
67
00:03:00,713 --> 00:03:02,214
(rhythmic breathing)
68
00:03:04,717 --> 00:03:06,952
Man, I thought you said there
would be hot chicks here.
69
00:03:06,986 --> 00:03:08,287
There are.
70
00:03:08,321 --> 00:03:09,988
They're just pregnant.
71
00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:11,523
(chimes)
72
00:03:13,159 --> 00:03:15,027
(grunts) Yeah.
73
00:03:17,330 --> 00:03:19,988
Oh my God. Oh my God! My ex-girlfriend
from high school's over there!
74
00:03:20,088 --> 00:03:21,431
Crap! She can't see me like this.
75
00:03:21,531 --> 00:03:23,565
She dumped me so hard in the
middle of cheerleading practice.
76
00:03:23,599 --> 00:03:24,800
Wow, that must've been awkward.
77
00:03:24,834 --> 00:03:27,502
Yeah! Considering I was on
top of the pyramid at the time.
78
00:03:28,838 --> 00:03:31,440
I have been planning my
revenge moment for years.
79
00:03:31,474 --> 00:03:32,989
I mean, I'm supposed to
be living large right now!
80
00:03:33,089 --> 00:03:34,590
Not sitting on an
old, smelly pillow
81
00:03:34,616 --> 00:03:36,116
at the Y with my
fat, sweaty friend.
82
00:03:37,227 --> 00:03:38,327
I'm pregnant.
83
00:03:38,361 --> 00:03:40,062
Yeah, that's what I
said. Fat and sweaty.
84
00:03:41,498 --> 00:03:42,665
Tucker?
85
00:03:42,699 --> 00:03:44,066
Tucker Dobbs, is that really you?
86
00:03:44,100 --> 00:03:45,768
Adrienne? Adrienne!
87
00:03:45,802 --> 00:03:48,304
Wow! What a...
What a small world!
88
00:03:48,338 --> 00:03:49,471
What... What are
you doing here?
89
00:03:49,506 --> 00:03:51,628
I'm guessing the same
as you. Having a baby!
90
00:03:51,728 --> 00:03:53,162
Oh, you must be Tucker's wife!
91
00:03:53,197 --> 00:03:54,530
- Oh, we're not...
- Into bragging.
92
00:03:54,565 --> 00:03:56,432
But! But this is...
93
00:03:56,467 --> 00:03:59,602
This is my smart, beautiful,
lawyer wife, Riley.
94
00:03:59,636 --> 00:04:01,737
(chuckles) She's a lawyer.
95
00:04:01,772 --> 00:04:03,673
She used to be a swimsuit
model before she got fat.
96
00:04:05,676 --> 00:04:08,811
Wow! Wow, and look at you
with... with the husband.
97
00:04:08,846 --> 00:04:11,535
Oh, crazy, right? This is my Joe.
98
00:04:11,635 --> 00:04:13,469
Joe, this is my old friend
from high school, Tucker.
99
00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:15,304
Kinda more than a friend.
100
00:04:15,339 --> 00:04:17,840
Oh! Were you that cheerleader dude?
101
00:04:20,110 --> 00:04:21,510
Okay.
102
00:04:22,980 --> 00:04:25,348
Well, great catching up, right?
103
00:04:25,382 --> 00:04:26,853
Oh, what's the rush?
104
00:04:27,318 --> 00:04:28,918
You know, we should have lunch,
105
00:04:28,952 --> 00:04:30,186
the four of us.
106
00:04:30,220 --> 00:04:31,788
I know we're free right now.
107
00:04:31,822 --> 00:04:34,724
Uh, yeah, if it's
not awkward, or any...
108
00:04:34,758 --> 00:04:36,835
Oh, no, that's okay. I love awkward.
109
00:04:37,695 --> 00:04:39,195
Awkward can be fun.
110
00:04:41,999 --> 00:04:44,367
What do you mean Mom is sending
you and Riley on a cruise?
111
00:04:44,402 --> 00:04:46,336
Why would she do that? What's the catch?
112
00:04:46,370 --> 00:04:48,438
No catch. She just
thought with the baby...
113
00:04:48,472 --> 00:04:51,318
Hey, I've had a kid for over three
years, and what's she ever given me?
114
00:04:52,910 --> 00:04:55,424
Well, actually, she has been
kind of invaluable with Emma.
115
00:04:55,524 --> 00:04:56,991
But that's no cruise!
116
00:04:57,693 --> 00:04:59,475
What up, sons of bitches?
117
00:05:00,031 --> 00:05:02,900
That's right, I just
called myself a bitch.
118
00:05:02,934 --> 00:05:06,070
You know why? Because
I embrace my flaws.
119
00:05:06,104 --> 00:05:08,939
You see, boys, life is
about confidence, courage.
120
00:05:08,974 --> 00:05:10,874
And you know what gives me courage?
121
00:05:10,909 --> 00:05:12,743
Booze, you got any?
122
00:05:12,777 --> 00:05:14,445
No, and I'm glad you're here.
123
00:05:14,479 --> 00:05:16,280
Let's talk about Mexico, shall we?
124
00:05:16,314 --> 00:05:18,816
Okay, I'll go first. I like it!
125
00:05:20,151 --> 00:05:21,119
I can't believe you only thought about
126
00:05:21,219 --> 00:05:22,058
Danny for this vacation.
127
00:05:22,158 --> 00:05:23,758
I should get to go on a cruise, too.
128
00:05:23,793 --> 00:05:25,227
Well, you know, to be honest, sweetie,
129
00:05:25,261 --> 00:05:26,661
I didn't think you'd be interested.
130
00:05:26,696 --> 00:05:27,696
Why not?
131
00:05:27,730 --> 00:05:29,865
I tan well, I look great in shorts,
132
00:05:29,899 --> 00:05:32,067
and quite frankly, I've always
wanted to order a pink drink
133
00:05:32,101 --> 00:05:33,192
without feeling ashamed.
134
00:05:34,136 --> 00:05:35,591
Well, Ben, all you had to do was ask
135
00:05:35,691 --> 00:05:38,192
if you wanted to spend some
alone time with your mom.
136
00:05:41,897 --> 00:05:45,366
I-I-I'm sorry. Did you just
say "alone time" with you?
137
00:05:46,869 --> 00:05:49,937
I cannot believe that both my boys
138
00:05:49,972 --> 00:05:52,090
want to spend a whole week with me.
139
00:05:52,641 --> 00:05:55,543
And to think, I almost gave
one of you up for adoption.
140
00:05:59,849 --> 00:06:01,783
You know what, I'm being selfish.
141
00:06:01,817 --> 00:06:03,651
You asked Danny first.
He should go with you.
142
00:06:03,686 --> 00:06:05,058
Oh, no, no, no, that's okay, dude.
143
00:06:05,158 --> 00:06:06,826
You deserve a rest. You should go.
144
00:06:06,860 --> 00:06:08,794
No, no, no, you should go. I insist.
145
00:06:08,829 --> 00:06:10,907
Oh, but you look so good in shorts.
146
00:06:11,765 --> 00:06:15,368
All right, you two kids fight it
out amongst yourselves and decide.
147
00:06:15,402 --> 00:06:18,070
I am going to the drugstore
to get some Band-Aids.
148
00:06:18,105 --> 00:06:20,473
I don't want my nipples to get sunburnt.
149
00:06:24,178 --> 00:06:25,244
(door closes)
150
00:06:26,013 --> 00:06:27,247
You tricked me!
151
00:06:27,281 --> 00:06:29,172
Not as dumb as I think, huh?
152
00:06:30,855 --> 00:06:32,722
Don't you mean, "Not
as dumb as you think?"
153
00:06:32,757 --> 00:06:34,924
No, that doesn't make sense at all.
154
00:06:36,394 --> 00:06:38,628
Fine, whatever. You have declared war,
155
00:06:38,662 --> 00:06:41,698
so we shall settle this the
way all Wheeler gentlemen do.
156
00:06:41,732 --> 00:06:44,187
We go to battle. Loser goes with Mom.
157
00:06:44,202 --> 00:06:46,836
I'm in, but what are we gonna play?
158
00:06:46,871 --> 00:06:49,105
The customary challenge
would be Slaughter Ball,
159
00:06:49,140 --> 00:06:52,022
but local laws have now made it
illegal in the tri-state area.
160
00:06:52,910 --> 00:06:55,469
Might I suggest a civilized
game of Donkey Tail?
161
00:06:55,569 --> 00:06:58,037
Hmm, I'll allow it.
162
00:06:58,071 --> 00:07:00,105
But the ceremonial tail's been missing
163
00:07:00,140 --> 00:07:01,574
since the great fire of '07.
164
00:07:01,608 --> 00:07:03,342
Oh, has it?
165
00:07:03,376 --> 00:07:05,277
Who's the ass? You're the ass!
166
00:07:06,446 --> 00:07:07,580
Get back here!
167
00:07:09,983 --> 00:07:11,884
And that is how I ended up
168
00:07:11,919 --> 00:07:14,954
the executive producer
of a hit talk show.
169
00:07:14,988 --> 00:07:17,252
Did I mention I won a New
York Entertainment Award?
170
00:07:17,324 --> 00:07:19,659
Shockingly, no.
171
00:07:19,693 --> 00:07:21,694
I won a New York Entertainment Award.
172
00:07:21,728 --> 00:07:23,279
- That's great, Tucker.
- Yeah.
173
00:07:23,379 --> 00:07:25,413
You did really well for yourself.
174
00:07:25,448 --> 00:07:27,449
You know, since we're bragging.
175
00:07:27,483 --> 00:07:29,017
- Was I bragging?
- A little.
176
00:07:30,319 --> 00:07:32,724
I was just voted Graphic
Designer of the Year.
177
00:07:33,156 --> 00:07:35,624
Wow! That is really impressive.
178
00:07:35,658 --> 00:07:38,193
Both real and impressive,
isn't it, Tucker?
179
00:07:38,228 --> 00:07:40,095
I mean, it's all right.
180
00:07:40,130 --> 00:07:42,271
I... I was gonna keep
this is a secret, but...
181
00:07:42,799 --> 00:07:45,467
- I own this bar!
- (Coughing)
182
00:07:45,502 --> 00:07:48,123
Right? I mean, sometimes you just
gotta burn off all that cash, right?
183
00:07:48,538 --> 00:07:50,005
Man, it's tough being rich!
184
00:07:51,608 --> 00:07:53,209
- Money can't buy everything.
- No.
185
00:07:53,243 --> 00:07:54,338
Like the truth.
186
00:07:54,611 --> 00:07:56,512
Or silence, okay?
187
00:07:56,547 --> 00:07:57,914
Well... Well, this
has been great.
188
00:07:57,948 --> 00:07:59,849
And it's been great seeing you.
189
00:07:59,883 --> 00:08:02,418
Be sure to tell the old
gang how amazing I'm doing.
190
00:08:02,452 --> 00:08:04,860
Yeah, hey, hey, why make
this a one-time thing?
191
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:06,861
We'd love a new couple friend.
192
00:08:06,896 --> 00:08:08,396
- Dinner tomorrow night?
- Seriously?
193
00:08:08,431 --> 00:08:11,032
- We're actually...
- Totally available.
194
00:08:11,067 --> 00:08:13,034
Come on, what do you say? Same place?
195
00:08:13,069 --> 00:08:15,036
I mean, you do own the joint.
196
00:08:15,071 --> 00:08:17,672
I do, all right.
197
00:08:17,707 --> 00:08:18,840
- Yeah, all right.
- See ya.
198
00:08:18,874 --> 00:08:20,508
(muttering) Really
lookin' forward to it.
199
00:08:21,677 --> 00:08:23,945
- Why didn't you stop him?
- I don't know! I panicked!
200
00:08:23,980 --> 00:08:25,714
You're the one who suggested lunch.
201
00:08:25,748 --> 00:08:27,416
Yeah, 'cause I thought
it would be hilarious
202
00:08:27,450 --> 00:08:29,018
to see you squirm in front of your ex.
203
00:08:29,118 --> 00:08:31,091
Not because I wanted to be
dragged into some weird production
204
00:08:31,191 --> 00:08:33,793
of Tucker Dobbs' Sad
Little House of Lies.
205
00:08:33,827 --> 00:08:35,795
It's a terrible play.
206
00:08:35,829 --> 00:08:37,863
Riley, come on!
207
00:08:40,233 --> 00:08:41,267
(yelps)
208
00:08:41,301 --> 00:08:44,070
Don't do that! I thought you were Danny!
209
00:08:44,104 --> 00:08:45,705
You didn't see me.
210
00:08:54,014 --> 00:08:55,581
I'm hiding from Danny!
I'm hiding from Danny!
211
00:08:55,616 --> 00:08:56,849
Hiding from Danny. Hiding from Danny.
212
00:08:56,884 --> 00:08:58,551
Hiding from Danny.
Hiding from Danny, hiding.
213
00:09:01,855 --> 00:09:03,656
Well, I guess I'm done babysitting.
214
00:09:05,159 --> 00:09:06,626
Hello!
215
00:09:09,563 --> 00:09:11,256
All right, hey! What do you say...
216
00:09:11,332 --> 00:09:12,699
we camp out in Daddy's room tonight,
217
00:09:12,733 --> 00:09:14,801
that way we won't run into
Uncle Donkey. It'll be fun!
218
00:09:14,835 --> 00:09:16,269
- (thuds)
- (Screams)
219
00:09:16,303 --> 00:09:18,405
(grunts) I'm comin' for ya, little bro!
220
00:09:18,439 --> 00:09:20,273
Camping trip canceled!
221
00:09:20,307 --> 00:09:21,708
Running from Danny!
222
00:09:21,742 --> 00:09:23,710
Running from Danny! Running
from Danny! Running from Danny!
223
00:09:23,744 --> 00:09:25,145
Running from Danny! Here.
224
00:09:25,245 --> 00:09:27,480
Talk to you later, Flaskie. Hey.
225
00:09:27,514 --> 00:09:29,682
(screams)
226
00:09:29,716 --> 00:09:30,950
(shouts)
227
00:09:32,285 --> 00:09:34,153
- You're an ass!
- No, you're an ass!
228
00:09:36,890 --> 00:09:38,224
- (shouts)
- (Whimpers)
229
00:09:41,395 --> 00:09:43,062
You're an ass!
230
00:09:47,034 --> 00:09:48,468
Ben: Still the ass!
231
00:09:53,775 --> 00:09:54,941
Aw.
232
00:09:54,976 --> 00:09:58,178
Your dad has never lost
a game of Donkey Tail.
233
00:09:59,347 --> 00:10:01,378
That's probably not the
proud moment I think it is.
234
00:10:01,478 --> 00:10:03,579
Gimme a minute, and I'll
come up with something else.
235
00:10:05,983 --> 00:10:08,135
I still can't believe you lost
the Donkey Tail in the subway.
236
00:10:08,235 --> 00:10:10,603
They called me "Donkey Boy," Ben.
237
00:10:10,638 --> 00:10:12,439
You know I don't do
well with name-calling!
238
00:10:13,774 --> 00:10:16,042
We need a new game.
How 'bout Dart Dodge?
239
00:10:16,077 --> 00:10:18,211
No! I still have a hole behind my ear.
240
00:10:18,245 --> 00:10:19,713
Bottle Drop?
241
00:10:19,747 --> 00:10:21,636
No, I still have a
slight limp when it rains.
242
00:10:22,450 --> 00:10:23,784
(whistle trills)
243
00:10:23,818 --> 00:10:25,152
Flag on the play!
244
00:10:25,186 --> 00:10:27,321
I am officially changing the game,
245
00:10:27,355 --> 00:10:29,523
since you two knuckleheads
can't settle it,
246
00:10:29,557 --> 00:10:32,459
and I know how much you both
want to go away with Mom.
247
00:10:32,493 --> 00:10:34,260
We do, Mom, we really do.
248
00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:35,894
Yeah, Mom, we're dying to go.
249
00:10:35,928 --> 00:10:37,262
Dying.
250
00:10:37,296 --> 00:10:39,397
Well, then, it's a good thing I came up
251
00:10:39,432 --> 00:10:42,091
with a little something
I like to call "Truth...
252
00:10:42,191 --> 00:10:44,593
or Mom-sequences."
253
00:10:44,627 --> 00:10:47,062
Let's see who knows me best!
254
00:10:47,096 --> 00:10:49,531
- Oh, crap!
- Oh, I so got this!
255
00:10:49,565 --> 00:10:52,314
All right, Ben, you honk the
horn if you know the answer.
256
00:10:52,414 --> 00:10:53,914
Danny, hit the bell.
257
00:10:53,949 --> 00:10:55,916
- (dings)
- When you know the answer.
258
00:10:55,951 --> 00:10:57,051
(dings)
259
00:10:57,085 --> 00:10:58,448
I didn't ask a question yet.
260
00:10:58,548 --> 00:10:59,548
- Got it.
- (Dings)
261
00:10:59,582 --> 00:11:00,816
Okay, this...
262
00:11:03,086 --> 00:11:04,186
All right, here we go.
263
00:11:05,288 --> 00:11:06,455
What's my favorite...
264
00:11:06,490 --> 00:11:07,556
- (honks horn)
- Chardonnay!
265
00:11:07,591 --> 00:11:08,515
When did I go to jail?
266
00:11:08,615 --> 00:11:10,449
- (honks horn)
- '92, '96 and 2012.
267
00:11:10,483 --> 00:11:11,817
Where did your dad
and I conceive...
268
00:11:11,851 --> 00:11:13,752
- (honks horn)
- Back seat of the Pinto, you were 17.
269
00:11:13,786 --> 00:11:15,703
- And wearing?
- A full leg cast!
270
00:11:15,722 --> 00:11:17,122
Where is
Aunt Sylvia...
271
00:11:17,157 --> 00:11:18,624
Buried under the bridge
by the East River.
272
00:11:18,658 --> 00:11:19,858
How many aliases?
273
00:11:19,893 --> 00:11:22,361
Three aliases! Uh, Brenda
Wong, Barbara Wachowski,
274
00:11:22,395 --> 00:11:23,737
and, for some reason, Bruce Winston.
275
00:11:23,797 --> 00:11:25,698
- Who are my...
- Archenemies!
276
00:11:25,732 --> 00:11:27,800
Tonya, the Schwarma Guy, and Nana Lyle.
277
00:11:27,834 --> 00:11:30,169
- Who is my favorite...
- Danny! All day, every day!
278
00:11:30,203 --> 00:11:32,972
Yes! In a surprise twist, Benji wins!
279
00:11:33,006 --> 00:11:35,074
Yes, I did it! Ha!
280
00:11:36,777 --> 00:11:38,163
I don't have to go on that stupid cruise
281
00:11:38,263 --> 00:11:40,698
to stupid Mexico with
stupid Mom, you do!
282
00:11:42,902 --> 00:11:44,202
Oh, crap.
283
00:11:45,271 --> 00:11:47,305
Hey, Mom, I didn't mean it...
284
00:11:48,641 --> 00:11:50,842
Mom, come on, I was just joking!
285
00:11:53,145 --> 00:11:54,179
- (door closes)
- Uh-oh.
286
00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:56,915
No slam, you know what that means.
287
00:11:56,949 --> 00:11:58,635
It's gonna be a very long night.
288
00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:05,958
How do you know so
much about Mom anyway?
289
00:12:05,992 --> 00:12:08,193
How do you not? She never shuts up.
290
00:12:14,367 --> 00:12:16,930
Oh! Hey, Riley. Wow.
291
00:12:17,003 --> 00:12:19,705
You know what? You really
do have that pregnancy glow.
292
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:21,170
Aw, really?
293
00:12:21,341 --> 00:12:24,210
'Cause you have that
fake compliment glow.
294
00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:27,438
I am not going to dinner with you
and your incredibly amazing ex, okay?
295
00:12:27,538 --> 00:12:30,107
I'm a lawyer. I have to
lie every day at work.
296
00:12:30,141 --> 00:12:31,953
I don't want to have to
do it in my real life.
297
00:12:32,744 --> 00:12:34,635
Come on, please!
298
00:12:34,712 --> 00:12:36,580
Look, if she finds out
I made everything up,
299
00:12:36,614 --> 00:12:38,441
she'll tell everyone from high school.
300
00:12:38,450 --> 00:12:41,051
And once again, I'll
be Dorky Doody Dobbs.
301
00:12:42,387 --> 00:12:44,788
You'll always be Dorky
Doody Dobbs to me.
302
00:12:46,658 --> 00:12:47,892
Fine.
303
00:12:47,926 --> 00:12:51,451
I'll, um, I'll just tell Danny
you took me to Lamaze class.
304
00:12:51,663 --> 00:12:53,331
Oh, you wouldn't dare.
305
00:12:53,365 --> 00:12:54,799
Oh, I dare.
306
00:12:56,268 --> 00:12:58,035
- Danny!
- No.
307
00:12:58,070 --> 00:12:58,960
Danny, I need
to talk to you...
308
00:12:58,986 --> 00:13:00,208
Tucker and I are
having dinner tonight.
309
00:13:00,539 --> 00:13:01,939
That's what I thought.
310
00:13:03,208 --> 00:13:06,241
Hey, uh, do you want to come
have second breakfast with me?
311
00:13:06,545 --> 00:13:08,546
No can do. Can't leave the couch.
312
00:13:08,581 --> 00:13:10,115
Mom locked herself in Ben's room,
313
00:13:10,149 --> 00:13:11,516
and the first one to leave the couch
314
00:13:11,550 --> 00:13:13,485
will be chastised to
a new level of shame
315
00:13:13,519 --> 00:13:14,853
if she comes out and we're not here.
316
00:13:16,322 --> 00:13:18,008
A simple "no" would have sufficed.
317
00:13:22,128 --> 00:13:24,997
It's clearly a gorilla petting a cat.
318
00:13:26,332 --> 00:13:29,101
Dude, please, it's obviously
a penguin playing a ukulele.
319
00:13:30,570 --> 00:13:32,229
We should really get
the ceiling painted.
320
00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:35,607
She's never coming out, is she?
321
00:13:35,642 --> 00:13:37,113
We should order more pizza.
322
00:13:37,213 --> 00:13:39,214
And we need to get our stories
straight before she comes out.
323
00:13:39,248 --> 00:13:40,815
- We need to stick together.
- (Door opens)
324
00:13:40,850 --> 00:13:42,215
Oh, hey Mom! Remember
when I knew all
325
00:13:42,241 --> 00:13:43,245
that stuff about you
that Danny didn't?
326
00:13:43,345 --> 00:13:44,284
I love you!
327
00:13:45,955 --> 00:13:49,157
You know, I can't
believe I wasted my youth
328
00:13:49,191 --> 00:13:51,059
raising the two most ungrateful,
329
00:13:51,093 --> 00:13:53,819
mean, sorry excuses for sons
this world has ever seen.
330
00:13:53,996 --> 00:13:55,124
Would it have been that traumatic
331
00:13:55,224 --> 00:13:57,058
to spend some time
alone with your mother?
332
00:13:57,092 --> 00:13:59,555
The one person, who spent
her life trying to make sure
333
00:13:59,655 --> 00:14:01,857
that you got to be a
professional hockey player,
334
00:14:01,891 --> 00:14:05,160
and you... the proud brother
of a professional hockey player.
335
00:14:06,462 --> 00:14:08,278
I have never been this disappointed
336
00:14:08,378 --> 00:14:09,812
in my own flesh and
blood, and, trust me,
337
00:14:09,846 --> 00:14:12,677
I have had a lifetime of
disappointment from you both.
338
00:14:13,817 --> 00:14:15,051
Mom, we're so sorry.
339
00:14:15,085 --> 00:14:17,053
No, no, he's not, but I am, Mom.
340
00:14:17,087 --> 00:14:18,762
I really am. I want to go
on that cruise with you.
341
00:14:18,889 --> 00:14:21,057
Yeah, well, I'm sorrier,
so I should go with you.
342
00:14:21,091 --> 00:14:22,200
No way! I'm going!
343
00:14:22,300 --> 00:14:23,367
Screw you! I'm going!
344
00:14:23,401 --> 00:14:25,002
What makes you think
she wants to go with you?
345
00:14:25,036 --> 00:14:26,537
Because we never spend
any time together!
346
00:14:26,571 --> 00:14:28,339
(arguing continues indistinctly)
347
00:14:28,373 --> 00:14:30,441
And I'm back to being fought over.
348
00:14:30,475 --> 00:14:31,942
Order restored.
349
00:14:37,193 --> 00:14:39,694
Look... all you have to do
is sit through one dinner,
350
00:14:39,728 --> 00:14:41,262
and when they call for another date,
351
00:14:41,297 --> 00:14:43,331
I will tell them I dumped you.
352
00:14:43,365 --> 00:14:45,266
Or better yet, you died.
353
00:14:45,301 --> 00:14:47,035
And you can waddle
off into the distance.
354
00:14:48,304 --> 00:14:50,171
Totally fine with that, Doody.
355
00:14:51,307 --> 00:14:53,108
Oh, man, that gift just keeps on giving.
356
00:14:54,510 --> 00:14:56,144
I can't believe you did this to me!
357
00:14:56,178 --> 00:14:58,648
Hey, I thought it'd be funny to
see you squirm in front of your ex.
358
00:14:58,748 --> 00:15:01,650
It wasn't my idea to lie
about being your husband.
359
00:15:01,684 --> 00:15:03,118
Well, I panicked!
360
00:15:03,153 --> 00:15:04,853
I couldn't tell him
you're a broke actor,
361
00:15:04,888 --> 00:15:06,171
and I'm a knocked-up
single woman who
362
00:15:06,197 --> 00:15:07,446
doesn't even know
who the father is.
363
00:15:07,521 --> 00:15:10,256
And now, thanks to you, I have
to tap dance through another meal.
364
00:15:10,290 --> 00:15:13,411
Hey, if they ask us out again?
Feel free to say I dumped you.
365
00:15:14,428 --> 00:15:17,129
I'm going on that cruise with
Mom if it's the last thing I do.
366
00:15:17,164 --> 00:15:18,664
Well, it will be the last thing you do
367
00:15:18,699 --> 00:15:20,499
after the last thing I do to you,
368
00:15:20,534 --> 00:15:22,768
which will render you unable to
do the last thing you wanted to do.
369
00:15:22,803 --> 00:15:25,071
Good one, Danny.
370
00:15:25,105 --> 00:15:27,042
I didn't get it, but
I like your passion.
371
00:15:27,541 --> 00:15:29,475
I'm going with Mom! I won the quiz.
372
00:15:29,510 --> 00:15:30,636
That shouldn't count.
373
00:15:30,736 --> 00:15:32,136
You were trying to
win, so you could lose,
374
00:15:32,170 --> 00:15:33,236
now we're trying to win, so we can win!
375
00:15:33,336 --> 00:15:35,270
Ooh, you know, that one, I actually got.
376
00:15:35,305 --> 00:15:36,855
Good job, Danny!
377
00:15:37,107 --> 00:15:40,009
You know, just once, I wish you'd
say, "Good job, Danny" to me.
378
00:15:40,043 --> 00:15:42,678
Just try to come up with a
real competition I can't win.
379
00:15:42,712 --> 00:15:44,280
Hey, can I vodka soda with a twist?
380
00:15:44,314 --> 00:15:45,914
Yeah, sure thing.
381
00:15:49,653 --> 00:15:50,953
Boom!
382
00:15:50,987 --> 00:15:53,355
Bartending. Now that, I can crush.
383
00:15:53,390 --> 00:15:54,690
What... No, that's
not even fair.
384
00:15:54,724 --> 00:15:56,615
Then back out now, and
let me go on the cruise.
385
00:15:56,693 --> 00:15:58,195
Oh, no. It's on!
386
00:15:58,295 --> 00:16:00,529
Whoever gets the most tips at
the end of a half an hour, wins.
387
00:16:00,564 --> 00:16:01,717
Done.
388
00:16:01,865 --> 00:16:04,100
And I will stay
impartial by not tipping.
389
00:16:04,134 --> 00:16:05,335
Both: You never tip!
390
00:16:06,704 --> 00:16:09,272
(women cheering)
391
00:16:19,450 --> 00:16:20,750
- (women cheer)
- (Clatters)
392
00:16:22,987 --> 00:16:25,088
(women cheering loudly)
393
00:16:25,122 --> 00:16:26,790
Time! Danny wins!
394
00:16:26,824 --> 00:16:28,091
Damn it!
395
00:16:28,125 --> 00:16:30,390
You are going on that cruise!
396
00:16:30,728 --> 00:16:32,380
Okay, well, I'm gonna go
home and start planning
397
00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:34,414
some fun couple things to do in Mexico.
398
00:16:34,448 --> 00:16:37,050
Matching tats, mother/son massages, oh!
399
00:16:37,084 --> 00:16:38,743
Oh, and by the way, I just heard.
400
00:16:38,843 --> 00:16:39,869
We have to share a king.
401
00:16:39,969 --> 00:16:41,203
You're cool with that, right?
402
00:16:41,237 --> 00:16:42,771
(excited squeals)
403
00:16:44,241 --> 00:16:46,809
Ha! You thought you had it
in the bag, didn't you, bro?
404
00:16:46,843 --> 00:16:48,077
Yep. I'm crushed.
405
00:16:48,111 --> 00:16:50,379
Totally blindsided. Have
a great time with Mom.
406
00:16:50,414 --> 00:16:52,581
Wait. You threw the competition?
407
00:16:52,616 --> 00:16:54,350
I didn't even have to!
408
00:16:54,384 --> 00:16:55,551
I knew that shirt was coming off,
409
00:16:55,585 --> 00:16:56,756
like, two seconds in.
410
00:16:56,887 --> 00:16:58,754
Man, you can be such a basic bitch.
411
00:16:59,823 --> 00:17:02,058
Wait, so you didn't ever
want to go away with Mom?
412
00:17:02,092 --> 00:17:04,627
I did for, like, a second,
but then I remembered,
413
00:17:04,661 --> 00:17:05,928
"Oh, yeah, it's Mom."
414
00:17:05,963 --> 00:17:07,798
But... But that's cheating!
I didn't want to go either!
415
00:17:07,898 --> 00:17:10,066
Well, you should've thought of
that before your whole strip show.
416
00:17:10,100 --> 00:17:11,913
No! No, no, no, no, no.
417
00:17:12,002 --> 00:17:14,404
Page three of the Wheeler
War Family Guide Book
418
00:17:14,438 --> 00:17:17,006
clearly states, deceptive
rules are strictly forbidden.
419
00:17:17,041 --> 00:17:18,041
We're still in this.
420
00:17:18,075 --> 00:17:19,603
Damn it, I wrote that
book to confuse you.
421
00:17:19,703 --> 00:17:21,671
I didn't think you'd actually read it.
422
00:17:21,705 --> 00:17:23,045
Fine, whatever, your pick.
423
00:17:23,140 --> 00:17:25,007
Loser goes with Mom, and
there's no way I'm losing.
424
00:17:25,042 --> 00:17:25,980
What's it gonna be?
425
00:17:26,009 --> 00:17:27,844
Oh... I dunno.
426
00:17:27,878 --> 00:17:29,379
- Five Minute Tag, you're it!
- Damn!
427
00:17:30,748 --> 00:17:32,181
What was that all about?
428
00:17:32,216 --> 00:17:34,917
No idea. (clears throat)
429
00:17:34,952 --> 00:17:36,052
Well, this was fun, right?
430
00:17:36,152 --> 00:17:37,919
Let... Let's do this
again sometime, yeah?
431
00:17:37,953 --> 00:17:39,721
We haven't even ordered yet.
432
00:17:39,755 --> 00:17:41,020
The service here sucks.
433
00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:42,521
Actually, so does the food.
434
00:17:42,555 --> 00:17:43,755
Isn't this your bar?
435
00:17:45,191 --> 00:17:46,324
It is.
436
00:17:46,359 --> 00:17:49,194
- You're fired.
- (Scoffing)
437
00:17:51,130 --> 00:17:52,564
You know, Tucker,
438
00:17:52,598 --> 00:17:55,364
it is so interesting how
you managed to open up a bar,
439
00:17:55,464 --> 00:17:57,932
become an executive
producer of a hit TV show,
440
00:17:57,967 --> 00:18:00,356
and still be a reserve
for the Navy SEALs.
441
00:18:00,803 --> 00:18:03,538
Tell me again how you
made all... that happen.
442
00:18:06,042 --> 00:18:07,609
Well, I...
443
00:18:07,643 --> 00:18:10,979
I... I couldn't do it without
the help of my beautiful wife.
444
00:18:12,115 --> 00:18:13,715
Help, beautiful wife.
445
00:18:14,751 --> 00:18:16,652
- (both muttering)
- Girl, you better help me.
446
00:18:16,686 --> 00:18:18,087
- Are you serious?
- Come on, please help me.
447
00:18:18,121 --> 00:18:19,621
- I'm not helping.
- You better help me.
448
00:18:23,460 --> 00:18:24,044
Oh my gosh, I...
449
00:18:24,144 --> 00:18:25,911
I can't believe that
thing's happening over there!
450
00:18:27,547 --> 00:18:29,949
(shrieks) Oh no! My water just broke!
451
00:18:29,983 --> 00:18:31,584
I think the baby is coming!
452
00:18:31,618 --> 00:18:33,252
- Really? Now?
- Uh-huh.
453
00:18:33,286 --> 00:18:34,587
Yes! Yes, it is!
454
00:18:34,621 --> 00:18:36,022
The... the baby is
coming, so... so,
455
00:18:36,056 --> 00:18:37,590
so, we will obviously have to go.
456
00:18:37,624 --> 00:18:39,094
Talk soon... or not.
457
00:18:39,259 --> 00:18:40,973
Everybody stand back,
she's having a baby!
458
00:18:41,061 --> 00:18:42,862
Wait. You're having our baby now?
459
00:18:42,896 --> 00:18:44,397
- Danny, hey!
- His baby?
460
00:18:44,431 --> 00:18:46,143
Oh, we got to get you to the hospital!
461
00:18:46,233 --> 00:18:48,367
- You're it!
- Aw, dang it!
462
00:18:48,402 --> 00:18:51,102
Boom. Game over. I win. You lose.
463
00:18:51,202 --> 00:18:53,370
You have to go on the cruise. Ha!
464
00:18:54,505 --> 00:18:55,772
Drinks on me.
465
00:18:57,041 --> 00:18:58,942
Well, just you two. Let's not get crazy!
466
00:19:00,545 --> 00:19:02,346
Tucker, what the hell is going on here?
467
00:19:02,380 --> 00:19:04,247
Oh, I-I'll tell you
what's going on here.
468
00:19:04,282 --> 00:19:06,249
He's a bigger liar than you are.
469
00:19:06,284 --> 00:19:08,254
No, I can explain...
Wait. What?
470
00:19:08,586 --> 00:19:09,987
What... What did
you lie about?
471
00:19:11,856 --> 00:19:14,191
Everything. I'm not her husband.
472
00:19:14,225 --> 00:19:16,186
She doesn't even know who
the father of the baby is,
473
00:19:16,286 --> 00:19:18,054
and I'm just trying to
hook up with her sister.
474
00:19:19,223 --> 00:19:20,890
Is that true?
475
00:19:20,924 --> 00:19:22,625
Yeah, my sister's really hot.
476
00:19:22,793 --> 00:19:25,962
No... look, why did you lie?
477
00:19:28,866 --> 00:19:31,834
Because I'm a... pregnant, single girl
478
00:19:31,869 --> 00:19:33,665
who saw her ex-boyfriend and panicked.
479
00:19:34,004 --> 00:19:35,182
I mean, now that I know
that you're just as
480
00:19:35,282 --> 00:19:37,440
much of a loser when
it comes to love...
481
00:19:37,475 --> 00:19:40,009
maybe there's a reason
we found each other again.
482
00:19:40,044 --> 00:19:41,911
Maybe we could give it another shot.
483
00:19:43,981 --> 00:19:45,014
Wow.
484
00:19:46,250 --> 00:19:47,951
That is really messed up.
485
00:19:49,487 --> 00:19:50,887
That guy is our "manny,"
486
00:19:50,921 --> 00:19:53,323
and was hired for just
this type of emergency.
487
00:19:53,357 --> 00:19:55,258
Riley and I are very much in love,
488
00:19:55,292 --> 00:19:56,626
and very happily married.
489
00:19:56,660 --> 00:19:57,927
Now, if you will excuse me,
490
00:19:57,962 --> 00:20:00,130
I need to go witness the
birth of my first child.
491
00:20:01,532 --> 00:20:03,867
Honestly, Adrienne, I...
492
00:20:03,901 --> 00:20:05,201
I can't believe you.
493
00:20:06,804 --> 00:20:08,838
I just can't... I just
can't believe you.
494
00:20:13,010 --> 00:20:14,292
Sound the chimes!
495
00:20:14,392 --> 00:20:17,194
This Bonnie voyage is about to take off.
496
00:20:17,228 --> 00:20:18,562
No need to rub it in, Mom.
497
00:20:18,596 --> 00:20:20,897
I'm already super depressed
I can't go with you.
498
00:20:20,932 --> 00:20:22,766
Super depressed. This is all an act.
499
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:24,501
I'm actually crying on the inside.
500
00:20:24,535 --> 00:20:28,138
Well, actually, Benji, I felt
so terrible about what happened
501
00:20:28,172 --> 00:20:30,974
that I gave both tickets
to Danny and Riley.
502
00:20:31,009 --> 00:20:32,676
I'm gonna spend the week here.
503
00:20:32,710 --> 00:20:33,944
With you.
504
00:20:33,978 --> 00:20:34,978
Uh-oh.
505
00:20:36,881 --> 00:20:38,682
Oh! Oh, look at this.
506
00:20:38,716 --> 00:20:42,285
Look at how happy I made your daddy!
507
00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:44,654
Oh, he's crying with joy!
508
00:20:44,689 --> 00:20:46,423
- No, I'm not!
- Yes, you are.
509
00:20:46,457 --> 00:20:47,991
It is joy.
510
00:20:48,041 --> 00:20:52,591
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
38030
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
