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1
00:00:02,560 --> 00:00:05,319
- Hello?
- Hey, Rob. Steve.
2
00:00:05,440 --> 00:00:06,639
Oh, hiya. How are you?
3
00:00:06,760 --> 00:00:09,039
Good, good. Er...listen,
4
00:00:09,160 --> 00:00:12,119
are you free next week to go away?
5
00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:13,599
Where?
6
00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:16,279
Er, it's kind of a tour.
Tour of the North, restaurant tour,
7
00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:18,199
really good restaurants.
8
00:00:18,320 --> 00:00:20,439
Right. Why me?
9
00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:22,359
Er, well, Mischa is unavailable.
10
00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:24,359
You... You've met Mischa, haven't you?
11
00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:26,399
Er...is she your assistant?
12
00:00:26,520 --> 00:00:28,159
Er...no, that's Emma.
13
00:00:28,280 --> 00:00:30,039
No, no. Er, no, Mischa's my girlfriend.
14
00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:31,919
Oh, yeah, yeah, the Australian girl.
15
00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:33,759
No. God, no, that was ages ago.
16
00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:35,559
No, anyway, it doesn't matter.
17
00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:36,799
Er, Mischa can't come
18
00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:38,719
and I don't want to go alone.
19
00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:40,519
I've asked other people
20
00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:42,479
but they're all too busy,
21
00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:45,399
so, you know, do you want to come?
22
00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:47,199
Er... I don't know, really.
23
00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:48,759
I'd have to ask Sally.
24
00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:50,759
Erm, it's a job. I'm not asking you to
25
00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:53,319
go on holiday with me or anything weird.
26
00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:55,599
- It's for The Observer magazine.
- Right.
27
00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:58,159
They're going to pay for everything
and there's a small fee,
28
00:00:58,280 --> 00:01:00,879
which I'll split with you...60/40.
29
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:02,359
When is it?
30
00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:03,919
Next Monday.
31
00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:05,319
Oh.
32
00:01:11,720 --> 00:01:13,519
(HORN TOOTS)
33
00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:15,839
(HE TOOTS HORN AGAIN)
34
00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:18,279
SALLY: Rob, Steve's here.
35
00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:26,039
- All right?
- Hey, yeah.
36
00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:27,719
- SALLY: Hi, Steve.
- ROB: We're off.
37
00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:29,719
- Hello, hi.
- ROB: You know Sally and Chloe.
38
00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:31,319
Yes, yes, hi, hello.
39
00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:32,879
Nice to see you, how are you? Mmm.
40
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:33,919
Very good.
41
00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:35,039
Nice to see you.
42
00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:36,079
Hello.
43
00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:37,119
What is that?
44
00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:38,479
- This is just...
- Wow.
45
00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:40,359
Pick axe handles. (GROWLS)
46
00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:41,399
Seriously?
47
00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:42,639
Yes, just in case...
48
00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:44,599
- For climbing?
- Got you a set of crampons, too.
49
00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:45,759
I'll ring you, OK?
50
00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:48,039
Oh, yes, please do. I love you.
51
00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:49,159
Mwah!
52
00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:51,559
ROB: Look after Mummy. Give me a kiss.
53
00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:53,399
Have fun.
54
00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:57,039
If you haven't heard anything from me
in five days,
55
00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:59,279
- alert the authorities.
- I'll send out a search party.
56
00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:00,839
- Drive safely.
- Okey doke.
57
00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:03,279
- Bye-bye, gorgeous.
- Have a good time.
58
00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:05,839
- Going to wave? Bye-bye.
- Can I give a little wave to you?
59
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:06,879
No?
60
00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:09,039
I'm going to give another little wave
to you.
61
00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:11,119
- Bye!
- Oh, I'm going. Right, bye-bye.
62
00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:13,479
Did you say goodbye to Dad?
63
00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:15,439
Say goodbye. Are you going to wave?
64
00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:20,559
I thought we'd go M 1 , M6,
come off at Junction 3 1 ,
65
00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:25,519
and, er, then it's a short drive
on the A59,
66
00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:27,079
to Clitheroe,
67
00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:31,159
er, and from there
it's a very short hop to Whitewell.
68
00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:32,479
And how long will that take?
69
00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:34,839
- About four hours.
- Four hours? That's not very much.
70
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:36,479
ROB: Why aren't we using sat nav?
71
00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:37,839
STEVE: I've always liked maps.
72
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:41,159
When we would go holiday as kids, my dad
would plan the route, you know,
73
00:02:41,280 --> 00:02:45,679
show us on the map what the route was
and we'd all follow it. It was great.
74
00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:48,999
ROB: The good news is I've found the M 1 .
75
00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:51,439
I wouldn't have had you down
as having a four-wheel drive.
76
00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:54,719
It's not mine. Mischa thought
it would be good.
77
00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:58,359
She thought it would be useful in
the Lake District, Yorkshire Dales.
78
00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:02,519
You know, it's not like down south, Rob,
there's a lot of bumpy roads up there.
79
00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:06,279
Where... Why isn't she here?
80
00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:08,999
Because she's...she had to go
back to America.
81
00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:11,959
Oh, dear. Have you... You haven't, er...
You haven't separated?
82
00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:14,279
It's in limbo. You know, it's in limbo.
83
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:15,719
Is it all over?
84
00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:18,759
No, I don't know, I don't know,
it's just, it's all...
85
00:03:18,880 --> 00:03:21,279
ROB: Oh, let's go here, let's get
some breakfast here.
86
00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:23,919
STEVE: Er... Can... Ooooh, no, let's not.
87
00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:28,039
I've been up since half past five with
Chloe and I've not eaten a single thing.
88
00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:29,519
Really?
89
00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:31,879
You could write about it.
Why don't you review the food, say,
90
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:34,399
"I'm starting off by
talking about what real people eat."
91
00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:35,959
No, that's been done.
92
00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:37,359
It's been done before.
93
00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:39,919
ROB: It's 201 0,
everything's been done before.
94
00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:42,199
All you can do is do something
someone's done before
95
00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:44,399
but do it better or differently.
96
00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:46,759
To some extent, that's correct.
97
00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:48,879
(IN-CAR STEREO PLAYS)
98
00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:51,079
(# JOY DIVISION: Atmosphere)
99
00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:53,599
ROB: Why are we listening to this?
100
00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:57,239
STEVE: That... That's what I've chosen for
the soundtrack for this landscape.
101
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,759
It's not expected. You think
of that as industrial, of...
102
00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:05,239
Associate that music normally
with an urban landscape.
103
00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:11,799
# Walk
104
00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:14,719
# In silence
105
00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:20,159
# Don't walk away
106
00:04:20,280 --> 00:04:23,199
# In silence
107
00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:27,799
# See the danger
108
00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:31,159
# Always danger
109
00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:35,999
# Endless talking
110
00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:38,679
# Life rebuilding
111
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,959
# Don't walk away... #
112
00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:53,999
- (STEVE CLEARS THROAT HEARTILY)
- ROB: This looks lovely.
113
00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:55,239
Beautiful, isn't it, eh?
114
00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:58,279
ROB: It's the sort of place
you'd shoot a Miss Marple.
115
00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:01,279
- Hello.
- Hi, hi.
116
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:03,439
Should be a reservation
under the name Coogan.
117
00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:05,919
- Absolutely.
- Two... Two rooms under Coogan.
118
00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:11,079
Sorry, we only have
one double room for you.
119
00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:12,879
Er, it may be under his name, Brydon,
120
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:14,919
is there another room
under the name Brydon?
121
00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:16,879
No, no, no Brydon. Sorry.
122
00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:19,799
Oh, I thought there should have been
two rooms, but...
123
00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:21,079
Hello, hi. Hi.
124
00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:24,119
This is...Mr Brydon.
Erm, can we book another room?
125
00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:25,999
I'm sorry,
but we're fully booked tonight, sir.
126
00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:27,799
We can share, that's all right.
127
00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:30,079
- Nooo, we can't.
- It's a big room.
128
00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:33,039
Right, I'm going to call, er, Emma,
get to the bottom of this.
129
00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:36,359
- Seriously, I don't mind sharing a bed,
- There's no signal here. What do I do?
130
00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:38,039
Er, sometimes you can get it outside.
131
00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:39,319
- OK.
- At the back.
132
00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:42,359
OK, all right,
I'll try and sort this out.
133
00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:44,959
Ohhh...dear...me. (SIGHS)
134
00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:46,439
(PHON E RINGS)
135
00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:47,559
Hello?
136
00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:49,399
- Hi, Emma.
- Hiya.
137
00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:51,639
Listen, I'm at the Inn At Whitewell...
138
00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:53,799
- Yeah.
- There's only one room.
139
00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:55,999
Well, you can stay with Mischa,
can't you?
140
00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:58,519
I'm not with Mischa,
I'm with Rob Brydon.
141
00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:00,679
But this is lovely.
I mean, I'd be happy to sleep here.
142
00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:02,719
- (BOTH LAUGH)
- (PHON E RINGS)
143
00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:06,079
Put a little bed down there,
and I'd sleep there very happily.
144
00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:07,599
So, are you friends, or...?
145
00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:08,959
No, we work together...
146
00:06:09,080 --> 00:06:10,959
So I'm just, you know...
147
00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:12,959
Are you his assistant?
148
00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:14,879
- (PHON E RINGS)
- (HE CHUCKLES)
149
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:16,159
In a way, yes.
150
00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:18,159
I thought you said
you were going with Mischa?
151
00:06:18,280 --> 00:06:20,439
No, I said I was thinking
of going with Rob. I told you.
152
00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:22,559
OK, look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
153
00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:25,279
Now I'm left having to share a room
with Rob for the night.
154
00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:26,759
Sorry, I messed up.
155
00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:30,279
Make sure all the other hotels
have got separate rooms. Right?
156
00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:31,399
OK.
157
00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:33,079
Right, thank you. All right, love, bye.
158
00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:35,559
Sorry, it's a bit of a warren here.
159
00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:39,079
No, it's, er...part of its charm.
160
00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:42,039
- Thank you.
- So what's your name?
161
00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:43,399
Magda.
162
00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:44,799
- Magda?
- And yours?
163
00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:48,639
Er, Steve.
Yes. None of this Mr Coogan nonsense.
164
00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:52,719
So, here it is.
165
00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:53,919
ROB: Oh, very nice.
166
00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:55,599
- Beautiful, yes.
- Very nice indeed.
167
00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:57,079
It's a very nice view.
168
00:06:57,200 --> 00:06:59,119
Look at that. Very big.
169
00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:04,399
- MAGDA: So...
- There we go. Come on, up you jump.
170
00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:06,119
OK, um, I'll leave you to it and...
171
00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:07,879
STEVE: Thank you, thanks.
172
00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:09,799
And...here is the key. OK, bye.
173
00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:12,159
This is a huge bed,
we could easily share this bed.
174
00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:14,199
It might be huge to you,
175
00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:16,279
it's average size to me.
176
00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:19,719
Oh, that's right, I forgot,
you're considerably taller(!) Erm...
177
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:21,599
What's the problem anyway?
178
00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:24,959
What do you think's
going to happen, eh?
179
00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:26,719
You might touch my bottom.
180
00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:28,039
Oh, right.
181
00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:29,279
Were you an altar boy?
182
00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:30,839
Yes, I was.
183
00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:32,479
- Seriously?
- Yes.
184
00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:34,959
Oh, all right. Well, I'll go on the sofa
if you want, if it's...
185
00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:38,239
Sorry, I didn't realise we were
into Oprah Winfrey territory.
186
00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:40,399
Are you seriously saying
you were abused as a child
187
00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:41,919
when you were an altar boy?
188
00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:43,639
Only verbally
189
00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:44,879
and physically.
190
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:48,399
Not sexually, no, just...just punched
191
00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:49,799
by a priest.
192
00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:52,759
(SHEEP BLEAT OUTSIDE)
193
00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:54,959
ROB: There's no signal here,
you won't get a signal.
194
00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:56,999
STEVE: No, I'm on the... I'm on wireless.
195
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,839
- Ah...
- Who's having the scallops?
196
00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:03,039
I am the scallops.
197
00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:05,919
- Thank you very much.
- And the soup.
198
00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:08,799
- Thank you, lovely.
- OK? Enjoy your starters.
199
00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:09,919
Thank you.
200
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:12,879
Soup of the day. Can't go wrong.
201
00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:15,519
Erm...yeah. Yeah, yours looks
more interesting, but, er...
202
00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:24,199
Mmm, what's yours like?
203
00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:25,959
Well, it tastes of tomatoes.
204
00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:28,159
Not a connoisseur, are you, with food?
205
00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:30,679
Look, the reason I was doing this trip
was to bring Mischa along.
206
00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:32,959
She's passionate about food,
she loves food.
207
00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:35,319
She's the food buff, then,
out of the two of you.
208
00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:37,879
She's a very confident foodie,
I thought she could help me and...
209
00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:40,119
I wanted to show Mischa the, er...
210
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:42,719
You know, the North.
211
00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:46,159
- Show her a piece of me.
- You're from Manchester.
212
00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:50,239
You could take her round and
show her the...the gun-crime sites.
213
00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:54,079
I'm from the North, the North
has an identity of itself.
214
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:56,879
- Yeah, not the same way that Wales does.
- And Manchester... And if...
215
00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:58,239
I think it does.
216
00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:00,879
I think if the North had a... The North
could be a different country.
217
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:02,759
It has as much of an identity as Wales.
218
00:09:02,880 --> 00:09:04,919
Are you seriously saying that you think
the North of England
219
00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:06,199
- has a stronger...
- What...
220
00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:08,039
Hang on. A stronger identity than Wales?
221
00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:09,199
Yes. Yeah...yes.
222
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:15,519
Industrial Revolution, the very first
railway in the world, in Manchester,
223
00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:18,399
which revolutionised the world,
probably more than anything else
224
00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:19,639
in the last 200 years.
225
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:21,359
Richard Burton.
226
00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:24,479
(AS BURTON) ...will he inform the next
admiral in actuality it means like God.
227
00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:26,359
Anthony Hopkins.
228
00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:28,719
(AS HOPKINS) I want a room with a view,
I want to see a tree. (SUCKS TEETH)
229
00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:31,599
I think anyone over 40 who amuses
themself by doing impressions
230
00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:34,919
needs to take a long, hard look
in the mirror.
231
00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:38,519
Well, broadsheet journalists
have described my impressions
232
00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:40,159
as "stunningly accurate".
233
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,439
Well, they're wrong.
I've not heard your Michael Caine,
234
00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:44,519
but I assume it would be
something along the lines of,
235
00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:45,999
(AS CAIN E) My name's Michael Caine.
236
00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:49,599
That is where you are so wrong, and you
can look at my live video for proof
237
00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:51,999
because that's the very thing I don't do.
238
00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:54,279
- I say that he used to talk like that...
- Do, do.... Do your Michael Caine.
239
00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:55,319
OK.
240
00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:58,159
(AS CAIN E) I say that Michael Caine used
to talk like this in the 1 960s. Right?
241
00:09:58,280 --> 00:10:00,599
But that has changed
and I say that over the years...
242
00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:04,119
(DESCEN DING PITCH) ...Michael's voice
has come down several octaves...
243
00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:05,199
Let me finish.
244
00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:07,479
...and all of the cigars and the brandy...
245
00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:08,519
Let me finish.
246
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:10,319
- ...can now be heard...
- OK.
247
00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:11,959
I've not fucking finished.
248
00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:14,839
...in the back of the voice
and the voice now will...
249
00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:17,519
I've still not finished.
250
00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:19,519
- ...the voice...
- Because you're panicking.
251
00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:21,599
Because you look like
you're about to bloody talk!
252
00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:24,399
Let me finish. Right. So...
253
00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:27,319
Michael Caine's voice now,
in the Batman movies,
254
00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:29,319
and in Harry Brown.
255
00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:36,919
I can't go fast because
Michael Caine talks very, very slowly.
256
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:40,079
Right, this is how Michael Caine speaks.
257
00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:43,159
(AS CAIN E) Michael Caine speaks
through his nose, like that.
258
00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:46,399
He gets very, very specific,
it's very like that.
259
00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:49,799
When it gets loudly,
it gets very loud indeed.
260
00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:50,999
It gets very specific,
261
00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:53,759
it's not quite nasal enough,
the way you're doing it.
262
00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:56,359
All right? You're not doing it
the way he speaks.
263
00:10:56,480 --> 00:11:00,479
You're not doing it with the kind of...
and you don't do the broken voice
264
00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:03,439
when he gets very emotional,
when he gets very emotional indeed.
265
00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:05,479
She was only 1 6 years old.
266
00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:09,959
She was only 1 6... You're only supposed
to blow the bloody doors off!
267
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,519
That's Michael Caine.
268
00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:19,079
Excuse me, sorry.
269
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:20,119
Thank you very much.
270
00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:21,719
- Was everything OK?
- Oh, it was very nice indeed.
271
00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:23,279
- Quite tomatoey.
- Good !
272
00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:26,039
- And soupy.
- Thank you.
273
00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:29,079
Hotter than I was expecting,
more heat in the chilli sauce.
274
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:31,839
There was a lot of heat in my scallops.
275
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:34,639
- My scallops were hot.
- There's a joke there.
276
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:38,159
(AS AL PACINO) Plenty of heat
in my scallops.
277
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:41,759
Heat, Pacino, De Niro, Michael Mann.
278
00:11:41,880 --> 00:11:43,239
What do you got?
279
00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:45,239
Four bodies in a morgue.
280
00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:48,079
I'm out there, every fuckin' day!
281
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:50,119
Oh... Yeah? Heat.
282
00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:53,879
A movie where De Niro and Pacino
are running a celebrity magazine.
283
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:55,439
(AS PACINO) What do you got?
284
00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:59,599
I need a photo exclusive of Katie Price
having a Botox.
285
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:01,959
(AS DE NIRO) Ain't got it, Al,
we can't do it, we can't do it.
286
00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:03,119
It's not looking...
287
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:05,279
(AS PACINO) What do you mean,
it's not lookin' good?
288
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:08,199
I gotta have her on the front page!
Right now!
289
00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:10,559
Every day I'm there!
290
00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:13,039
Hey, calm it down. It's all right, sorry!
291
00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:15,599
It's all right, they don't mind,
they love it.
292
00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:17,959
Yeah, well, not sure about that,
but anyway...
293
00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:19,399
Ever work with Michael Mann?
294
00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:22,359
I don't work with mainstream
Hollywood directors, I work with auteurs.
295
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:23,839
Like in Rain Man?
296
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:26,559
(AS DUSTIN HOFFMAN) Oh, I'm an excellent
director. I'm an excellent director.
297
00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:28,799
I directed the whole movie. In one go.
298
00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:30,079
No, that's autistic.
299
00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:31,519
I know that.
300
00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:33,599
I wonder... That's autistic savant.
I don't think...
301
00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:36,399
Is there such a thing as an autistic
impressionist? Because if there is,
302
00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:38,999
I think that might be the key
to your condition.
303
00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:43,079
(AS PACINO) Maybe...you're right.
I don't know.
304
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:47,279
But I see a guy
with something stuck up his ass
305
00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:50,999
who's too...uptight
306
00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:52,359
to let go.
307
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:55,319
No, no, I like humour, I like levity,
I like brevity,
308
00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:56,639
I just like to, er...
309
00:12:56,760 --> 00:12:58,439
Gravity, where do you stand on that?
310
00:12:58,560 --> 00:12:59,999
Um...firmly,
311
00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:01,519
on terra firma.
312
00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:04,479
(AS HOFFMAN) You like levity, brevity
and gravity.
313
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:07,839
It's great to meet you, it's terrific
to meet you, I gotta tell you,
314
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:09,879
you're a terrific actor. I like your work.
315
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:11,519
I caught your work the other day.
316
00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:15,679
I was watching the television in my room,
and I said, "Who is this guy?
317
00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:19,679
"He's not as tall as Coogan,
but he's better. I like him a lot."
318
00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:22,399
Do you find as you get older...
319
00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:25,439
um...food...gets stuck
in your teeth more...
320
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:27,079
Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.
321
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:28,759
...more readily?
322
00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:30,719
- You know why that is?
- Why?
323
00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:32,719
Receding gums.
324
00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:38,239
Revealing the crack, the gap,
between the tooth and the gum.
325
00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:41,319
- All right.
- Look, look how much, look.
326
00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:44,199
What are you showing me?
327
00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:46,319
My gums.
328
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:50,639
Those...look all right, you know.
329
00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:53,599
(MUFFLED) Can you see any receding?
330
00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:56,119
- Mmm, yes, yes.
- Yeah?
331
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:59,919
Well, that is a honey trap
for morsels of food.
332
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:01,479
That is an open invitation.
333
00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:04,559
A bit of food sees that,
he goes running towards it.
334
00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:06,279
It's not good if you're on a date.
335
00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:07,959
You still go on dates, do you?
336
00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:10,439
Yes, when I pick me... What I do is,
I normally go to the toilet...
337
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:13,199
I take a toothpick, go to the toilet, and
just get every little bit out of me teeth,
338
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:14,959
or try and avoid foods
that get lodged in your teeth.
339
00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:16,319
Really?
340
00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:18,199
You don't want to try
and go and kiss a girl
341
00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:20,239
with a bug lump of chicken
stuck inside one of your molars.
342
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:21,839
See, that strikes me as odd,
343
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:26,199
that a man at our age would be
thinking about trying to kiss girls.
344
00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:27,719
- Hi, sorry.
- Hello.
345
00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:29,999
- Um, it's your lucky day.
- Why?
346
00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:32,639
We've had a cancellation,
you don't have to share a bed tonight.
347
00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:34,039
I'll drink to that.
348
00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:38,239
Shall I... Should I leave you in room 1 5
and move Mr Brydon into seven, or...?
349
00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:39,519
Which is the better room?
350
00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:44,039
Well, seven is a bit bigger, but I prefer
1 5. Maybe you want to see it?
351
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:46,559
Um... Yes, I think I would.
352
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:47,999
Do you mind excusing me?
353
00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:50,039
I could come as well, if you want.
354
00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:51,439
Naaah.
355
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:57,759
Yeah, it's open.
356
00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:02,639
So. Sorry...
357
00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:03,879
OK.
358
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:06,799
OK. So this is...room number seven.
359
00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:08,159
That's nice, yeah.
360
00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:09,959
Beautiful room.
361
00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:11,199
Nice view.
362
00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:12,359
Yeah.
363
00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:14,439
I find the view...
It's very important.
364
00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:17,519
You can't go wrong in...just around
this area, everything's beautiful.
365
00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:19,759
It is, I know, it's really...
366
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:24,679
It's very high, isn't it? It reminds
me of The Princess And The Pea.
367
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:27,799
You know that -
Hans Christian Andersen?
368
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:30,119
Do you know him in Poland?
369
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,359
- No, of course, of course we...we...
- Oh, OK.
370
00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:33,639
Yes. No, we do read.
371
00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:35,479
Right. OK. Where's he from?
372
00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:36,639
Um...Denmark.
373
00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:39,319
Denmark, that's right, yes, Denmark.
Don't like the Danish.
374
00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:42,159
(AS MICHAEL CAIN E) No, it's like that.
No, it's like that.
375
00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:43,959
It's really nice. Really nice.
376
00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:44,999
(MUTTERS)
377
00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:46,359
...it's really nice.
378
00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:49,479
So how long...how long have you worked
here? Do you... Long, or...?
379
00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:51,519
- Almost a year.
- Right, OK.
380
00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:53,759
So, you and Rob, do you work a lot
together or...?
381
00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:55,719
Very rarely... If I can avoid it.
382
00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:57,879
(LAUGHS) I mean, you seem to know
each other quite well.
383
00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:59,679
It's all right, but the relationship's
purely platonic.
384
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:01,359
So, what shall we do?
385
00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:02,799
Well, which is the one you liked?
386
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:05,959
- Um, 1 5. Yeah, I prefer 1 5.
- Well, I think we should go for that.
387
00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:07,559
Do they accommodate you here or...?
388
00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:09,359
Well, there are cottages
for the staff, yes,
389
00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:11,559
- at the main house so, yes...
- Oh.
390
00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:13,679
- I live nearby.
- Oh, that's...that's handy.
391
00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:15,079
Well, very nearby, yes.
392
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:16,639
STEVE: Hi, is that Greg?
393
00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:17,679
It is, yes.
394
00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:18,879
- Hey.
- Hey, how are you?
395
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:21,239
Very good. You, er, e-mailed me,
asked me to call.
396
00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:23,159
Can you hear me, Greg?
397
00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:26,679
- No, I can't...
- Can you hear me now?
398
00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:28,799
Can you hear me now?
399
00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:30,359
Yes. Yes, I can hear...yeah.
400
00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:31,599
OK, I'll stay here.
401
00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:33,479
Right, er, Doctor Who...
402
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:35,319
- Doctor Who?
- ...are very keen again.
403
00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:36,599
What, is it the baddie?
404
00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:37,639
Yep.
405
00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:39,279
I don't want to do British TV.
406
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:43,159
Well, I mean, all you need is... You just
need one film, Steve, and that will...
407
00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:44,919
- that will propel you.
- I've done ten.
408
00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:46,199
You need the right film.
409
00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:48,279
You see, you've got...
you've got a huge amount of momentum
410
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:49,479
behind you.
411
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:51,439
Yeah, you get momentum
when you're going downhill.
412
00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:53,079
Well... Well, yes, but...
413
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:55,079
I want to be in films.
414
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:56,319
Good films.
415
00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:58,439
Where exactly are you at the moment?
Where...
416
00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:01,199
I'm in the Trough of Bowland.
417
00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:04,079
Rather appropriately, Greg,
I'm in...I'm in a trough.
418
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:06,359
Literally and metaphorically.
419
00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:08,799
Yeah. Is... Is Mischa with you,
is she enjoying it?
420
00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:13,359
Yes, she's... Yes, she's...
Yes, she is, yes.
421
00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:22,679
(ENGIN ES ROAR)
422
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:36,719
(COWS MOO IN THE DISTANCE)
423
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:39,999
(HE PANTS)
424
00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:59,799
(PHON E DIALLING TON E)
425
00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:00,879
Hello?
426
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:02,679
(LOUDLY) Hello.
427
00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:04,319
Hey, it's me.
428
00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:06,279
What time is it?
429
00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:07,719
It's... It's...
430
00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:11,319
It's 1 2 o'clock your time.
431
00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:14,079
Oh, shit, I'm late.
432
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:15,839
What, you just got up?
433
00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:18,399
Yeah, I had a really late night.
434
00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:20,959
I think I got in at like
three or four maybe.
435
00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:22,239
Where... Where did you go?
436
00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:26,719
I told you, I went
to this, um, magazine party
437
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:29,159
at this magazine launch,
I thought it would be
438
00:18:29,280 --> 00:18:33,919
a good place to go and meet some people
and pitch some of my ideas.
439
00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:35,319
Yeah, it was really good.
440
00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:38,079
I met some amazing people
and there was lots of interest.
441
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:40,479
Yes? Who... Who did you meet?
Who was interesting?
442
00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:43,279
I met the...the editor of Esquire
443
00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:45,639
and he...
444
00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:48,519
he's interested in the story I did
about the bikers
445
00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:50,079
when I went back home.
446
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:51,679
Does he fancy you?
447
00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:53,239
God, you know what?
448
00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:56,759
That really pisses me off when you do
that, like I've got nothing else to offer.
449
00:18:56,880 --> 00:18:59,599
- I'm not, I'm not...
- Whatever. Listen, I gotta go.
450
00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:01,639
I'm going to be late. OK?
451
00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:05,079
OK. Hey... Uh... Uh...
452
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:06,639
Well, I miss you.
453
00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:09,359
Yeah, I miss you, too.
454
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:11,799
Good.
455
00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:15,439
I gotta go.
Listen, well, let's just speak later, OK?
456
00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:17,679
- OK.
- OK.
457
00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:19,599
- Bye. Bye, baby.
- Bye.
458
00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:22,479
(HE SIGHS)
459
00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:37,159
(CHURCH BELL CHIMES)
460
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:48,359
(CLOTHES RUSTLE)
461
00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:56,039
Bye.
462
00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:02,039
(DOOR SHUTS)
463
00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:06,399
(HE EXHALES DEEPLY)
464
00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:11,359
I thought we'd go up to Dunsop Bridge,
up through the Trough of Bowland,
465
00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:14,759
through Abbeystead,
get on the M6 at Junction 33
466
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:17,679
and then off at Junction 36
a bit further up,
467
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:20,559
and that will take us
almost all the way to Cartmel.
468
00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:23,239
(MOOING AN D BLEATING)
469
00:20:23,360 --> 00:20:27,879
Did you, uh... Did you cement
Anglo-Polish relations?
470
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:32,879
Um... There was a summit...in my bedroom.
471
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:35,879
I won't go into detail but there
were more than talks about talks.
472
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:41,479
In fact, I'd go as far as to say
there was an historic accord.
473
00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:45,959
"What joy it was to be alive,
but to be young was very heaven."
474
00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:48,919
That's Wordsworth, I think,
going on about the French Revolution.
475
00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:50,999
That was when he was younger,
476
00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:53,279
before he started
going on about daffodils.
477
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:54,759
(SHEEP BLEAT)
478
00:20:58,480 --> 00:20:59,799
This is a wild and windy moor.
479
00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:02,279
It is. Misty moor, really, but you know.
480
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:03,839
- Christy Moore.
- Christy Moore.
481
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:05,959
Bobby Moore. Dudley Moore.
482
00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:07,119
Roger Moore. Kenneth More.
483
00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:08,639
Dudley.
(AS DUDLEY MOORE) Dudley and Peter.
484
00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:10,239
- Peter and Dudley.
- Oh, God.
485
00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:16,239
BOTH: # Out on the wild and windy moor
486
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:19,799
# We'd roll and fall in green
487
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:24,639
# You had a temper like my jealousy
488
00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:27,959
# Too hard, too greedy. #
489
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:31,959
(PHON E RINGS)
490
00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:33,799
Hello.
491
00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:36,599
WOMAN: Hi. Hi. It's me.
492
00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:39,239
- Hi, how...
- Er, what...where are you?
493
00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:43,959
I'm, er... We're just in the Trough
of Bowland, heading towards...
494
00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:45,159
- Cartmel.
- Cartmel.
495
00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:47,679
- To...
- Er... Look, can you talk to Joe?
496
00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:48,879
What?
497
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:51,359
It's just that he's getting
a bit out of hand.
498
00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:53,839
- Is he?
- He was drinking last night.
499
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:54,999
Oh, Chrissakes.
500
00:21:55,120 --> 00:21:57,399
One of his friends' parents called me
to complain about
501
00:21:57,520 --> 00:21:58,679
his behaviour at their house
502
00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:03,119
and he's been really ill this morning
and won't go to school.
503
00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:06,559
So I need you to talk to him because
he doesn't listen to me at the moment.
504
00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:08,559
OK, I will... I'll do that today.
505
00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:09,799
Can you do that today?
506
00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:12,159
Yeah. Yes, I will do that today.
507
00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:14,359
- How's Mi-mi?
- Well, I've got to go.
508
00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:17,519
- Oh. OK. All right, bye.
- Bye. Thanks. Bye.
509
00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:22,679
Well, erm, it's none of my business,
510
00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:26,559
er...but I thought
she was very unreasonable.
511
00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:30,439
Catherine manages to put me
on the back foot from "hello".
512
00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:32,479
It's...an extraordinary skill.
513
00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:40,199
- Do you like taster menus?
- I'm not sure.
514
00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:43,959
I do. I think when they're good,
they're really good.
515
00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:46,919
And when it's not done well,
it's very...frustrating.
516
00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:02,119
(FRENCH ACCENT) There we have
some little canapés to begin with.
517
00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:04,399
A little duet of tapioca-based crackers,
518
00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:07,639
spiced popcorn and the lollipops are
made out of duck fat with peanuts.
519
00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:08,679
Thank you very much.
520
00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:11,039
Check on, two covers, lunch menu, please.
521
00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:13,879
Oh, that's a big piece of popcorn,
isn't it?
522
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:15,199
Very nice.
523
00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:23,799
I like that as well.
An enormous green Quaver.
524
00:23:23,920 --> 00:23:26,159
Duck fat lolly. Well, why not?
525
00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:28,439
This is like my comedy, it's like...
it's familiar,
526
00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:31,479
like we all know what a lolly is, but
something very different about it.
527
00:23:31,600 --> 00:23:35,119
And, like lollipops,
something that we enjoyed a long time ago.
528
00:23:36,840 --> 00:23:37,759
Mm.
529
00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:41,439
To begin with
we have a nice little appetiser.
530
00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:46,119
We've got liquor made out of mallow
leaves, topped with a fizz which
531
00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:48,759
is made out of ginger beer,
with whisky, as well as chilli.
532
00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:50,439
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
533
00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:52,999
That's nice, it's like, um...
534
00:23:53,120 --> 00:23:55,039
Tastes of a childhood garden.
535
00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:57,839
Well, it's got a bit of alcohol in it
so it tastes...
536
00:23:57,960 --> 00:24:01,519
Was there a lot of alcohol in your garden
as a child? I'm sorry, Rob.
537
00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:04,719
CHEF: You have a go,
see if you can do it better...
538
00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:06,719
- Everything is all right?
- Lovely.
539
00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:09,999
Delicious. Very, very different.
Very interesting, yeah. Cheers.
540
00:24:10,120 --> 00:24:12,039
Right.
541
00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:14,719
Mmm, it's got... It is a bit...
542
00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:17,039
I mean, do you know, I have to say,
the consistency
543
00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:22,119
is a bit like...is a bit like snot,
but it tastes great.
544
00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:23,759
They say it was delicious.
545
00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:26,119
What can I say?
546
00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:28,119
I can't get the image of snot
out of my head now.
547
00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:29,439
(STEVE CLEARS HIS THROAT)
548
00:24:29,560 --> 00:24:32,999
Every time I look at...
That was lovely! Really nice.
549
00:24:33,120 --> 00:24:34,519
Thank you.
550
00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:36,839
Use my tweezers for this.
551
00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:46,279
There we are, gentlemen,
at the bottom of those little sacks
552
00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:50,119
you've got some diced smoked kale
as well as
553
00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:55,759
shredded radishes, covered with
very smooth duck foie gras mousse.
554
00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:57,799
- Enjoy.
- Thank you very much.
555
00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:01,239
Mm. This is fantastic.
556
00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:13,279
So your next course is what
we call the Humphrey's Pool.
557
00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:16,919
It's a shellfish broth made out of
mussels, clams, cockles,
558
00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:19,199
which are cooked in their own juices
559
00:25:19,320 --> 00:25:21,519
before to be garnished with
shredded local seaweed.
560
00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:23,119
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
561
00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:24,239
Enjoy that.
562
00:25:24,360 --> 00:25:26,399
Never... Never eaten
a "selfish broth" before.
563
00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:30,999
He mentioned cooking in
their own juices. Imagine that, eh?
564
00:25:31,120 --> 00:25:32,439
Lovely thought, isn't it?
565
00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:34,359
Being cooked in your own juice.
566
00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:37,919
I'll be honest, I don't think I could
muster more than a thimbleful.
567
00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:44,159
It's a cold dish, this one.
568
00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:46,999
You've got some little Manx queenies,
which are baby queen scallops.
569
00:25:47,120 --> 00:25:49,799
They are resting on griddled baby gem
570
00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:53,119
and a parsnip coulis as well as
a light, creamy horseradish sauce.
571
00:25:53,240 --> 00:25:54,639
- Thank you.
- Lovely.
572
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:56,919
Rather optimistic to say they're resting.
573
00:25:57,040 --> 00:25:59,919
Their days of resting
have been and gone, they are dead.
574
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:09,359
So what we have at the base of the dish,
we've got a goat cheese mousse
575
00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:10,999
and a globe artichoke purée
576
00:26:11,120 --> 00:26:15,159
and that is garnished with
deep-fried globe artichoke leaves
577
00:26:15,280 --> 00:26:17,279
as well as baby Jerusalem artichokes.
578
00:26:17,400 --> 00:26:19,759
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
579
00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:23,359
Um, I don't like artichoke.
I should just say that.
580
00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:31,839
Drinking the wine makes me
feel quite sophisticated.
581
00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:34,239
A bit like, you know,
James Bond ordering a Martini.
582
00:26:34,360 --> 00:26:38,599
(AS SEAN CON N ERY) I'd like a...
I'd like a Martini, shaken,
583
00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:40,399
not stirred.
584
00:26:40,520 --> 00:26:42,199
I want it now.
585
00:26:42,320 --> 00:26:44,479
Don't make me wait.
586
00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:47,439
(AS CON N ERY) I'll have a vodka Martini,
shaken but not stirred.
587
00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:50,279
I'll have a vodka Martini,
shaken, not stirred.
588
00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:52,359
- I'll have a vodka...
- I'll have a vodka...
589
00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:53,599
You look very worried.
590
00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:56,239
So do you.
You should take a look at your face.
591
00:26:56,360 --> 00:26:58,479
I'd like a vodka Martini,
shaken, not stirred.
592
00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:00,439
You look like you're recovering
from a stroke
593
00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:02,159
and learning how to get mobility again.
594
00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:05,359
I'd... I'd like a vodka Martini,
shaken but not stirred.
595
00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:07,919
I can feel my legs, it's a miracle!
596
00:27:08,040 --> 00:27:10,559
(AS ROGER MOORE) I'd like a vodka Martini,
shaken but not stirred.
597
00:27:10,680 --> 00:27:15,639
(AS MOORE) I'd like a vodka Martini,
shaken, not stirred.
598
00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:18,239
(AS SCARAMANGA) Come, come, Mr Bond,
599
00:27:18,360 --> 00:27:20,919
you derive just as much pleasure
from killing as I do.
600
00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:23,119
(AS SCARAMANGA) Come, come, Mr Bond,
you get just as much pleasure...
601
00:27:23,240 --> 00:27:24,799
I was saying that bit!
602
00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:27,399
Well, don't caricature, try and do it
real. Come, come, Mr Bond...
603
00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:28,879
Shut up! Don't tell me how to act.
604
00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:30,879
- I... Well, I bloody should do.
- Why?
605
00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:33,479
Because sometimes you tend to
sort of crank it up a bit...
606
00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:39,159
Yeah, whereas you are widely regarded
as the king of understatement(!)
607
00:27:39,280 --> 00:27:40,479
All right, I'd do it like this.
608
00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:42,879
Come, come, Mr Bond, you get
just much of... Come, come, Mr Bond...
609
00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:44,839
- Try and get the lines right.
- All right!
610
00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:47,839
As a rule it's more effective
if you don't fluff the lines.
611
00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:50,919
OK. But I'll deliver it
with a nice bit of understatement.
612
00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:54,119
Come, come, Mr Bond, you get just as much
pleasure from killing as I do.
613
00:27:54,240 --> 00:27:55,319
That was the worst of the lot.
614
00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:57,359
OK. All right, OK, this is it.
615
00:27:57,480 --> 00:28:05,159
Come, come, Mr Bond, you get just as
much pleasure from killing as I do.
616
00:28:06,320 --> 00:28:07,639
Fucking yeah!
617
00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:08,879
No, you went up at the end.
618
00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:11,039
- Like you watch Australian soaps.
- Yes! But you see what I did on my face?
619
00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:13,759
Come, come, Mr Bond, you get just as much
pleasure from killing...as I do?
620
00:28:13,880 --> 00:28:18,879
Come, come, Mr Bond, you derive just
as much pleasure from killing as I do.
621
00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:21,199
When I kill, I kill for Queen and country.
622
00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:22,559
Though I admit, killing you will...
623
00:28:22,680 --> 00:28:24,919
(ECHOING) ...give me great pleasure.
624
00:28:25,040 --> 00:28:28,159
Come, come, Mr Bond,
you derive just as much pleasure...
625
00:28:28,280 --> 00:28:29,599
(MUMBLES AN D ECHOES)
626
00:28:29,720 --> 00:28:34,559
Sorry. You derive just as much pleasure
from killing as I do.
627
00:28:34,680 --> 00:28:36,039
(PHON E RINGS)
628
00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:37,719
- Hello.
- MISCHA: Hi.
629
00:28:37,840 --> 00:28:39,799
- Hey.
- Hey.
630
00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:41,239
It's me.
631
00:28:41,360 --> 00:28:42,599
Hey, how's it going?
632
00:28:42,720 --> 00:28:45,119
It's great, it's great. I'm... Yeah...
It's... Yeah.
633
00:28:45,240 --> 00:28:47,359
- Where are you now?
- I'm in L'Enclume.
634
00:28:47,480 --> 00:28:48,719
No way.
635
00:28:48,840 --> 00:28:51,919
Yeah. I'm at the...
at the fancy-schmancy restaurant.
636
00:28:52,040 --> 00:28:53,839
Oh, I really wanted to go there.
637
00:28:53,960 --> 00:28:56,079
What's happening with the...
with that editing thing,
638
00:28:56,200 --> 00:28:57,999
the job with the guy, you know, in the...
639
00:28:58,120 --> 00:29:01,679
It's going really well, I think. They
gave me an assignment in Las Vegas.
640
00:29:01,800 --> 00:29:04,919
Las Vegas? What, you're going...
What are you going there for?
641
00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:06,719
- For work, I just told you...
- To do what?
642
00:29:06,840 --> 00:29:09,839
- ...I'm going to go and write there.
- What are you going to write about?
643
00:29:09,960 --> 00:29:13,679
I'm going to go do this really interesting
piece on...on prostitutes in Vegas,
644
00:29:13,800 --> 00:29:16,999
a kind of like "good girls
gone bad Vegas-style" story.
645
00:29:17,120 --> 00:29:19,079
Well, what if you become
a good girl gone bad?
646
00:29:19,200 --> 00:29:20,799
Oh, Jesus, Steve.
647
00:29:20,920 --> 00:29:25,439
What, do you think I'm going to go to
Las Vegas and become a prostitute?
648
00:29:29,840 --> 00:29:32,559
Hey, Joe. Er, it's Dad.
649
00:29:32,680 --> 00:29:36,919
Er...just wanted to have a chat, you know,
see what's happening,
650
00:29:37,040 --> 00:29:39,759
er, so give me a call
when you can, right?
651
00:29:39,880 --> 00:29:41,479
Love you. Bye.
652
00:29:43,760 --> 00:29:45,079
Are you all right?
653
00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:47,519
- SALLY: Yeah, fine.
- Yeah. All good? Chloe OK?
654
00:29:47,640 --> 00:29:49,239
(MOBILE PHON E RINGS)
655
00:29:51,000 --> 00:29:51,919
Hello.
656
00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:55,639
"It's Ste-e-e-eve Coogan, eh?" (LAUGHS)
657
00:29:55,760 --> 00:29:57,679
Ha-ha. Hey, Matt, how are you doing?
658
00:29:57,800 --> 00:30:00,399
- I'm doing good, man. How are you?
- Good, good. Yeah, great.
659
00:30:00,520 --> 00:30:03,279
Would you be up for a bit of, er...
bit of phone sex?
660
00:30:03,400 --> 00:30:04,719
Would you be interested in that?
661
00:30:04,840 --> 00:30:06,799
Yeah, I might be, mmm. Yes.
662
00:30:06,920 --> 00:30:09,719
(AS HUGH GRANT) Could I... Could I
interest you in some rather salacious,
663
00:30:09,840 --> 00:30:12,999
sort of, if I sort of do this Hugh Grant,
might that sort of...get you...
664
00:30:13,120 --> 00:30:14,079
No.
665
00:30:14,200 --> 00:30:16,879
- ...get you, as it were, going?
- He doesn't do it for me.
666
00:30:17,000 --> 00:30:18,999
(SHE GIGGLES)
667
00:30:19,120 --> 00:30:20,599
You know, it's like I keep telling you...
668
00:30:20,720 --> 00:30:21,639
I just...
669
00:30:21,760 --> 00:30:23,719
...it's like the tortoise and the hare,
all right?
670
00:30:23,840 --> 00:30:26,679
So I'm... What, so I'm a tortoise?
Great(!)
671
00:30:26,800 --> 00:30:29,639
Speaking of boiled eggs,
I'm not wearing any pyjama bottoms.
672
00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:32,359
Ahh, you saucy boy!
673
00:30:32,480 --> 00:30:35,919
Don't... Don't say, "Ahh."
You should say, "Oooh!"
674
00:30:36,040 --> 00:30:36,959
Phwoar!
675
00:30:37,080 --> 00:30:38,839
Yeah, "phwoar", thank you.
676
00:30:38,960 --> 00:30:42,159
Someone overheard Nick Stevens at
an Endeavour meeting or whatever,
677
00:30:42,280 --> 00:30:44,039
someone brought my name up
and he said,
678
00:30:44,160 --> 00:30:46,519
"I wish I'd gotten hold of
Steve Coogan when he was 35."
679
00:30:46,640 --> 00:30:48,799
I mean, I feel... I thought,
680
00:30:48,920 --> 00:30:51,959
"Crikey, is that it? Is it game over?"
681
00:30:52,080 --> 00:30:53,879
I mean, I'm 41 , you know, and...
682
00:30:54,000 --> 00:30:55,119
You're not 41 .
683
00:30:55,240 --> 00:30:57,839
I'm not, no, I'm 44.
I've been 41 for three years.
684
00:30:57,960 --> 00:30:59,959
I've been telling people
I'm 41 for three years.
685
00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:05,359
You get yourself off to, er,
off to Noddington, and I shall, er...
686
00:31:05,480 --> 00:31:11,239
I shall bed down here with a rock as
my pillow, the stars as my canopy
687
00:31:11,360 --> 00:31:15,479
and this...local barmaid as my duvet.
688
00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:17,079
(SHE LAUGHS)
689
00:31:17,200 --> 00:31:20,079
I like the way you laugh at that,
like it's not a possibility.
690
00:31:20,200 --> 00:31:21,639
I know it's not going to happen.
691
00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:23,599
What do you mean,
it's not going to happen?
692
00:31:23,720 --> 00:31:25,959
- Well, I mean, it could.
- I pulled you.
693
00:31:26,080 --> 00:31:28,799
It's a good time for you.
It's a good time to be Steve Coogan.
694
00:31:28,920 --> 00:31:31,519
OK, good, that all sounds great.
Thank you. I hope so.
695
00:31:31,640 --> 00:31:34,199
But I can't do anything
when you're stuck over there.
696
00:31:34,320 --> 00:31:35,719
So, get your ass back here.
697
00:31:35,840 --> 00:31:37,559
OK. We'll do that. Thanks for calling.
698
00:31:37,680 --> 00:31:39,359
- All right. Ciao.
- OK, bye.
699
00:31:42,000 --> 00:31:43,239
(HE SIGHS)
700
00:31:56,000 --> 00:31:58,639
It's incredible,
everybody wants to work with you.
701
00:31:58,760 --> 00:32:01,439
I get a call from PT Anderson,
I get a call from Wes Anderson,
702
00:32:01,560 --> 00:32:05,199
Noah Baumbach, Todd Haynes,
Alexander Payne, all of them.
703
00:32:05,320 --> 00:32:07,439
- They're all auteurs.
- Yeah, and they're all geniuses
704
00:32:07,560 --> 00:32:08,999
and they want to work with the genius.
705
00:32:09,120 --> 00:32:10,759
I want to do mainstream movies.
706
00:32:10,880 --> 00:32:13,479
Well, the Farrelly brothers
want to work with you, OK?
707
00:32:13,600 --> 00:32:15,399
The Scotts, Tony and Ridley,
708
00:32:15,520 --> 00:32:18,159
they want to do a movie together,
never done that before.
709
00:32:18,280 --> 00:32:20,519
They want to do a thing with you
where it's, like, the future
710
00:32:20,640 --> 00:32:23,719
but it's 500 years in the past and you're
like a...some guy who's like a warrior
711
00:32:23,840 --> 00:32:26,919
that came... I don't even know what it is
but they want to do it with you. OK?
712
00:32:27,040 --> 00:32:28,639
It's incredible.
713
00:32:28,760 --> 00:32:32,479
Coens, calling up. Wachowskis,
both of them, want to work with you.
714
00:32:32,600 --> 00:32:35,759
All the brothers, my man, all the brothers
715
00:32:35,880 --> 00:32:36,999
want a piece of Coogs.
716
00:32:37,120 --> 00:32:39,639
STEVE: It's like...
I can't believe it's happening.
717
00:32:39,760 --> 00:32:43,119
Well, Steve, guess what?
Wake up, smell the coffee.
718
00:32:43,240 --> 00:32:45,359
All right? The dream is happening,
right now.
719
00:32:45,480 --> 00:32:46,999
You're living the dream, Steve.
720
00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:48,959
- (HE MUMBLES)
- It's all a dream.
721
00:32:50,000 --> 00:32:50,919
Come back!
722
00:32:51,040 --> 00:32:52,519
Wait... Come back.
723
00:32:52,640 --> 00:32:55,239
Can't. I've got a thing, but...
724
00:32:55,360 --> 00:32:57,639
I don't think I'll talk to you later,
but at some point, OK?
725
00:33:03,120 --> 00:33:04,639
(MUTTERS)
726
00:33:12,640 --> 00:33:16,519
So, I thought we'd take the B5278
along the west bank of Windermere,
727
00:33:16,640 --> 00:33:20,359
then when we get to Rydal we're going to
take the A59 1 up to Keswick.
728
00:33:20,480 --> 00:33:23,559
I've printed out some reviews...
729
00:33:23,680 --> 00:33:24,879
Oh, great. Oh, that's good.
730
00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:26,679
...for L'Enclume,
731
00:33:26,800 --> 00:33:29,519
and, basically, with L'Enclume
you can say whatever you want,
732
00:33:29,640 --> 00:33:32,559
because it goes from the terrible
to the wonderful.
733
00:33:32,680 --> 00:33:34,759
Victor Lewis-Smith.
734
00:33:34,880 --> 00:33:38,159
Um... "Never mind all the talk
of inventiveness and variety,
735
00:33:38,280 --> 00:33:40,719
"the result was as formulaic
as McDonald's,
736
00:33:40,840 --> 00:33:45,079
"with the same splatter of Technicolor
bird shit on every plate."
737
00:33:45,200 --> 00:33:46,839
- Then...
- That's a bit unkind.
738
00:33:46,960 --> 00:33:49,799
Giles Coren in The Times.
739
00:33:49,920 --> 00:33:52,439
"Love is not strong enough to describe
740
00:33:52,560 --> 00:33:54,439
"what I felt about L'Enclume in Cartmel.
741
00:33:54,560 --> 00:33:58,479
"I am breathless with admiration,
respect and awe
742
00:33:58,600 --> 00:34:01,039
"for the skill, imagination and restraint
743
00:34:01,160 --> 00:34:06,279
"of the 20-odd plates of Simon Rogan's
food that I ate in my two visits."
744
00:34:06,400 --> 00:34:08,439
Two thirds of the way through that
you were thinking of doing
745
00:34:08,560 --> 00:34:10,079
- Anthony Hopkins, weren't you?
- Yes.
746
00:34:10,200 --> 00:34:11,799
Yeah, I heard it in your voice.
747
00:34:11,920 --> 00:34:13,399
Are you glad I didn't?
748
00:34:13,520 --> 00:34:15,559
I am glad you didn't
and I admire your restraint.
749
00:34:15,680 --> 00:34:19,079
(AS ANTHONY HOPKINS) "I was dazzled,
blown away by the originality, integrity
750
00:34:19,200 --> 00:34:22,959
"and extravagance I found in the best of
restaurant experience I've had for years!"
751
00:34:23,080 --> 00:34:25,519
"Love, not strong enough to describe
what I felt about it!"
752
00:34:25,640 --> 00:34:26,559
Please, stop.
753
00:34:26,680 --> 00:34:28,839
"Restaurant I would easily
promise to honour and obey."
754
00:34:28,960 --> 00:34:30,559
I would honour you, sir!
755
00:34:30,680 --> 00:34:35,679
I would honour your restaurant, sir!
No, sir, I shall not. Arghh! Arghh!
756
00:34:35,800 --> 00:34:37,799
"I'm breathless with admiration,
respect and awe."
757
00:34:37,920 --> 00:34:40,639
All right! All right. Jesus Christ,
it's so early, shouting like that.
758
00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:42,759
"I'm breathless with admiration."
759
00:34:42,880 --> 00:34:43,879
It's really unpleasant.
760
00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:45,119
Well, he is when he does that.
761
00:34:45,240 --> 00:34:49,239
I know, I know he is but...
And by default...you are. Right now.
762
00:34:49,360 --> 00:34:53,039
I inhabit the role, sir. I'm not a turn,
am I? I inhabit the role.
763
00:34:53,160 --> 00:34:56,319
Yeah, I know, you're a real Method actor,
you're right up there
764
00:34:56,440 --> 00:34:57,719
with Pacino and...
765
00:34:57,840 --> 00:34:59,519
Oh, Christ, I'd better be careful
what I say.
766
00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:02,439
(AS AL PACINO) What do you got?
Hello! Hello!
767
00:35:02,560 --> 00:35:05,679
There's method in my madness.
768
00:35:17,480 --> 00:35:19,519
ROB: Why are we self-catering?
769
00:35:19,640 --> 00:35:22,759
STEVE: We thought we would go
and stay the night at Greta Hall
770
00:35:22,880 --> 00:35:26,319
when Mischa was
going to come with me originally,
771
00:35:26,440 --> 00:35:29,319
because we thought we could make love
in the bed that Coleridge...
772
00:35:29,440 --> 00:35:30,799
Ah, yes.
773
00:35:30,920 --> 00:35:32,959
...Coleridge slept in and made love in
774
00:35:33,080 --> 00:35:39,799
and it would lend a poetic,
romantic frisson to our...congress.
775
00:35:39,920 --> 00:35:42,879
Still be romantic. Just the two of us.
776
00:35:43,000 --> 00:35:44,399
We can be chummy.
777
00:35:44,520 --> 00:35:45,719
- Yeah, exactly, chummy.
- Yeah.
778
00:35:45,840 --> 00:35:47,479
- Chummy.
- Without the bum.
779
00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:48,639
ROB: Bumless chums.
780
00:35:48,760 --> 00:35:50,479
STEVE: Bum... Bumless chums.
781
00:35:52,440 --> 00:35:55,119
Coleridge left quite quickly
after he moved here.
782
00:35:55,240 --> 00:35:59,679
So Robert Southey had his wife
and Coleridge's wife
783
00:35:59,800 --> 00:36:03,839
and another Fricker sister
living here, plus the children.
784
00:36:03,960 --> 00:36:06,879
Erm, so he was the only man
looking after all these children.
785
00:36:07,000 --> 00:36:09,039
- Seriously?
- Yeah, the wives, as well.
786
00:36:09,160 --> 00:36:11,159
So he... You know, he had to...
787
00:36:11,280 --> 00:36:13,879
- Cos Coleridge was off on his travels.
- Away.
788
00:36:14,000 --> 00:36:17,399
Couldn't cope with the domesticity
of life, he found it very difficult.
789
00:36:17,520 --> 00:36:19,359
He found it very hard to be creative.
790
00:36:19,480 --> 00:36:22,599
Yes. Yes, there's bells
ringing all over the place here.
791
00:36:22,720 --> 00:36:24,239
He came back, though, didn't he?
792
00:36:24,360 --> 00:36:27,199
Periodically he would come back and visit.
Uh-huh.
793
00:36:27,320 --> 00:36:29,639
We don't think...
Well, there isn't much evidence
794
00:36:29,760 --> 00:36:32,439
that he actually sent any money back,
which is a bit tricky.
795
00:36:32,560 --> 00:36:35,679
I'm very consistent with my maintenance,
Rob.
796
00:36:35,800 --> 00:36:37,959
Oh, no, you are.
I would never say anything...
797
00:36:38,080 --> 00:36:39,879
In case you wanted to draw
a parallel there.
798
00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:41,599
- So, this was Coleridge's...
- Wow.
799
00:36:41,720 --> 00:36:44,199
...study, and possibly his bedroom
as well.
800
00:36:44,320 --> 00:36:49,839
Hey, he would like...probably had...
er, opium in here, maybe?
801
00:36:49,960 --> 00:36:52,719
Erm, possibly laudanum, because that's
what they were taking at that time,
802
00:36:52,840 --> 00:36:55,239
initially as a painkiller, but
then perhaps he would have...
803
00:36:55,360 --> 00:36:57,119
Well, he did become addicted to it.
804
00:37:06,640 --> 00:37:08,399
Ooh, eeh!
805
00:37:08,520 --> 00:37:10,239
Look at that. See that?
806
00:37:10,360 --> 00:37:11,319
Beautiful.
807
00:37:11,440 --> 00:37:13,839
- You can't paint that.
- Well...
808
00:37:13,960 --> 00:37:16,839
Well, you could, but...
be a bit rubbish.
809
00:37:16,960 --> 00:37:21,039
Probably sell it for about 2 5 quid in
one of the tourist shops round here.
810
00:37:23,840 --> 00:37:25,759
Why do you do that, eh? Why?
811
00:37:25,880 --> 00:37:27,839
You know it's physically impossible?
812
00:37:29,920 --> 00:37:31,159
Ahhh!
813
00:37:32,240 --> 00:37:33,599
Me back.
814
00:37:34,880 --> 00:37:35,879
(HE EXHALES)
815
00:37:36,240 --> 00:37:37,199
Are you ready to order?
816
00:37:37,320 --> 00:37:39,079
- ROB: Yes, please. Shall I go first?
- Yep.
817
00:37:39,200 --> 00:37:41,759
Could I have the scallops to start,
please?
818
00:37:41,880 --> 00:37:44,479
And then I'll have the pigeon
as the main course.
819
00:37:44,600 --> 00:37:48,359
I will have the rabbit, please,
followed by the lamb.
820
00:37:48,480 --> 00:37:49,399
Thank you.
821
00:37:49,520 --> 00:37:51,439
Nice image, rabbit following a lamb.
822
00:37:51,560 --> 00:37:54,079
That's a bit weird, Rob.
823
00:37:54,200 --> 00:37:56,399
- A bit weird, isn't it?
- Yeah.
824
00:37:56,520 --> 00:37:58,439
Can we have a knife for the butter,
please,
825
00:37:58,560 --> 00:38:01,599
and a rolled-up £20 note for the salt?
Thank you.
826
00:38:01,720 --> 00:38:03,399
Gentlemen, your wines.
827
00:38:03,520 --> 00:38:06,799
The Germanier
and the Gevrey Premier Cru.
828
00:38:06,920 --> 00:38:08,279
Oh, marvellous.
829
00:38:09,600 --> 00:38:12,639
Premier Cru, I know that
that means it's good, Premier Cru.
830
00:38:12,760 --> 00:38:15,559
"Premier", first, the best, "cru"...
831
00:38:17,960 --> 00:38:19,439
Don't know.
832
00:38:20,560 --> 00:38:21,999
Mystery. Mystery.
833
00:38:22,120 --> 00:38:25,159
But that's good. It's good to have
mystery about these things.
834
00:38:25,280 --> 00:38:26,679
It's a premier, that's good.
835
00:38:26,800 --> 00:38:28,239
It's the first of something.
836
00:38:28,360 --> 00:38:29,919
MAN: OK, service.
837
00:38:30,040 --> 00:38:31,559
Table six, scallops.
838
00:38:33,720 --> 00:38:35,359
This is Hazlitt on Coleridge.
839
00:38:35,480 --> 00:38:40,479
"All that he had done of moment
he had done 20 years ago.
840
00:38:40,600 --> 00:38:44,279
"Since then he may be as said to
live on the sound of his own voice.
841
00:38:44,400 --> 00:38:47,199
"He is a general lover
of art and science..." - that's true -
842
00:38:47,320 --> 00:38:48,679
"...and wedded to no-one in particular."
843
00:38:48,800 --> 00:38:49,999
- Oh, it's about...
- That's very true.
844
00:38:50,120 --> 00:38:52,439
OK, it's about me, I didn't realise,
but carry on.
845
00:38:52,560 --> 00:38:54,359
"He pursues knowledge as a mistress."
846
00:38:54,480 --> 00:38:55,639
OK.
847
00:38:55,760 --> 00:38:56,679
"It was not to be supposed
848
00:38:56,800 --> 00:38:58,799
"that Mr Coleridge could keep on
at the rate he set off."
849
00:38:58,920 --> 00:38:59,959
(AS ALAN PARTRIDGE) A-ha!
850
00:39:00,080 --> 00:39:02,399
- "He could not realise all he knew..."
- Is that written down?
851
00:39:02,520 --> 00:39:04,719
"...and less, could not fix his desultory
ambition.
852
00:39:04,840 --> 00:39:09,119
"Other stimulants supplied the place..."
853
00:39:09,240 --> 00:39:11,999
Careful, you were going into Jimmy Savile
then, but...I'll let it go.
854
00:39:12,120 --> 00:39:18,439
"Other stimulants supplied the place
and kept up the intoxicating dream,
855
00:39:18,560 --> 00:39:22,359
"the fever and the madness
of his early impressions."
856
00:39:22,480 --> 00:39:24,719
Right, I don't do impressions.
857
00:39:24,840 --> 00:39:28,439
I'm saying that it can be hard
to have a big success.
858
00:39:28,560 --> 00:39:31,639
Bob Balaban said,
"Never be hot, always be warm,"
859
00:39:31,760 --> 00:39:35,399
and a lot of the people that are
thought of as great had - psshhhh! -
860
00:39:35,520 --> 00:39:36,639
- supernova moments.
- Yeah.
861
00:39:36,760 --> 00:39:37,759
Where do you go from there?
862
00:39:37,880 --> 00:39:40,839
Well, it's difficult, you know,
863
00:39:40,960 --> 00:39:43,639
once you've achieved greatness to...
to match that.
864
00:39:43,760 --> 00:39:44,999
I imagine it is.
865
00:39:45,120 --> 00:39:47,119
Yeah, and you'll always imagine,
866
00:39:47,240 --> 00:39:49,599
because it's not a problem
you'll ever have to contend with.
867
00:39:49,720 --> 00:39:51,279
But that's not a problem for me. Why?
868
00:39:51,400 --> 00:39:52,559
I'd rather be me than you,
869
00:39:52,680 --> 00:39:56,399
because I'd rather
have these moments of genius
870
00:39:56,520 --> 00:40:00,439
than, er...than-than-than
a lifetime of...
871
00:40:00,560 --> 00:40:02,159
mediocrity.
872
00:40:02,280 --> 00:40:04,719
My career is not mediocre.
873
00:40:05,960 --> 00:40:07,959
MAN: Doesn't matter about the time.
874
00:40:08,080 --> 00:40:10,079
- Scallops.
- ROB: Thank you very much.
875
00:40:10,200 --> 00:40:12,799
STEVE: Well, if you... Thank you. Thanks.
Golly, thank you.
876
00:40:14,680 --> 00:40:17,959
I always think of Coleridge as sort of
a Richard Burton type character.
877
00:40:18,080 --> 00:40:23,239
(AS BURTON) "In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree
878
00:40:23,360 --> 00:40:25,719
"Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
879
00:40:25,840 --> 00:40:30,799
"Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea."
880
00:40:30,920 --> 00:40:34,479
I'm very impressed. You've shocked me,
because I would have thought
881
00:40:34,600 --> 00:40:38,519
that your...that you would have preferred
Olivia Newton-John's version of Xanadu.
882
00:40:38,640 --> 00:40:41,599
I think both Newton-John and Coleridge
883
00:40:41,720 --> 00:40:45,599
tackled the subject of Xanadu
with varying degrees of success.
884
00:40:45,720 --> 00:40:47,319
They call it Xana-DU.
885
00:40:47,440 --> 00:40:49,639
- Yes.
- Xana-DU.
886
00:40:49,760 --> 00:40:52,679
Xaaaaa-nadu. In...
887
00:40:52,800 --> 00:40:53,719
Xanadu.
888
00:40:53,840 --> 00:40:56,959
First one, pigeon, lamb, on call,
followed by duck, lamb, on call.
889
00:40:59,880 --> 00:41:01,399
Service!
890
00:41:04,360 --> 00:41:05,279
- The lamb.
- Thank you.
891
00:41:05,400 --> 00:41:07,479
- Golly, that...that does look nice.
- Pigeon. Thank you.
892
00:41:07,600 --> 00:41:08,999
That looks lovely. What is that?
893
00:41:09,120 --> 00:41:10,439
- Pigeon.
- Really?
894
00:41:10,560 --> 00:41:11,759
Yeah.
895
00:41:13,320 --> 00:41:15,839
- Mmm!
- That's a little haggis.
896
00:41:15,960 --> 00:41:17,999
Yeah.
897
00:41:18,120 --> 00:41:21,199
Anyone ever asks you to go on
a haggis hunt, be careful what you say.
898
00:41:21,320 --> 00:41:23,199
(SCOTTISH ACCENT)
They're taking you for a fool.
899
00:41:23,320 --> 00:41:25,519
(AS SEAN CON N ERY) Taking you for a fool.
900
00:41:25,640 --> 00:41:27,199
He's a bloody fool.
901
00:41:27,320 --> 00:41:29,799
There's no such thing as a haggis hunt.
902
00:41:29,920 --> 00:41:31,759
(STEVE EXHALES SLOWLY)
903
00:41:31,880 --> 00:41:34,799
(ROB MUMBLES IN DISTINCTLY AS CON N ERY)
904
00:41:34,920 --> 00:41:37,719
I just imagined myself
putting my knife upside down
905
00:41:37,840 --> 00:41:40,999
and just pressing my head onto it then.
906
00:41:41,120 --> 00:41:43,119
Desperate to be taken seriously,
aren't you?
907
00:41:43,240 --> 00:41:47,559
No! You can't treat your entire life
like...a Radio 4 panel show.
908
00:41:47,680 --> 00:41:49,519
Bzzzz! Yes, you can.
909
00:41:49,640 --> 00:41:50,839
(STEVE LAUGHS)
910
00:41:50,960 --> 00:41:55,959
Alex James said he celebrated
his 20th birthday with alcohol,
911
00:41:56,080 --> 00:41:59,879
his 30th with drugs
and his 40th with food.
912
00:42:00,000 --> 00:42:01,559
Is that how it is for you?
913
00:42:01,680 --> 00:42:03,399
Erm...
914
00:42:04,960 --> 00:42:06,519
Well, don't you find it exhausting?
915
00:42:06,640 --> 00:42:10,439
Still running around, going to parties
and chasing girls, at your age?
916
00:42:10,560 --> 00:42:12,519
I don't run around and go to parties,
or chase girls.
917
00:42:12,640 --> 00:42:13,559
You do!
918
00:42:13,680 --> 00:42:15,199
- No, I...
- You chase girls.
919
00:42:15,320 --> 00:42:17,719
I don't chase them.
You make me sound like Benny Hill.
920
00:42:17,840 --> 00:42:20,159
But don't you find all that
exhausting at your age?
921
00:42:20,280 --> 00:42:22,839
No. Do you find it exhausting
looking after a baby?
922
00:42:22,960 --> 00:42:25,279
- Yes, I do.
- Yeah, well...
923
00:42:26,840 --> 00:42:29,559
Everything's exhausting
when you're past 40...
924
00:42:32,320 --> 00:42:34,399
Everything's exhausting at our age.
925
00:42:38,640 --> 00:42:40,399
(STEVE EXHALES SLOWLY)
926
00:42:41,760 --> 00:42:43,239
(RINGING TON E)
927
00:42:43,360 --> 00:42:45,279
- Hi, Emma.
- Hey. You all right?
928
00:42:45,400 --> 00:42:46,719
Yeah, I got a missed call.
929
00:42:46,840 --> 00:42:48,559
Yeah, I was just phoning
930
00:42:48,680 --> 00:42:50,079
to remind you about the photographer.
931
00:42:50,200 --> 00:42:52,159
She's going to meet you
at Hipping Hall tomorrow.
932
00:42:52,280 --> 00:42:53,959
OK. Well, hang on...
933
00:42:54,080 --> 00:42:57,119
- Photographer?
- Yeah, for the photos for the article.
934
00:42:57,240 --> 00:42:59,919
We talked about it in the office,
remember?
935
00:43:00,040 --> 00:43:02,279
- Yeah, it's on my itinerary.
- Oh, right, yeah. OK, yeah.
936
00:43:02,400 --> 00:43:04,999
Her name's Yolanda, by the way,
937
00:43:05,120 --> 00:43:07,519
and I'm going come up with her tomorrow,
so you'll see me, then.
938
00:43:07,640 --> 00:43:09,479
- Well, I'll see you tomorrow, then, yeah?
- Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.
939
00:43:09,600 --> 00:43:10,999
- All right.
- Good. OK, bye.
940
00:43:11,120 --> 00:43:12,399
- Bye.
- Bye.
941
00:43:19,120 --> 00:43:21,199
A-ha!
942
00:43:21,320 --> 00:43:23,319
(VOICE ECHOES)
943
00:43:24,400 --> 00:43:26,239
- (SHEEP BLEAT)
- STEVE: This is Langdale.
944
00:43:26,360 --> 00:43:28,159
You know what that means?
945
00:43:28,280 --> 00:43:30,679
It means "long valley" in Viking.
946
00:43:30,800 --> 00:43:32,319
This would have... Oof!
947
00:43:32,440 --> 00:43:36,879
This... All this was formed in the last
ice age, about 1 0,000 years ago.
948
00:43:37,000 --> 00:43:38,719
Incredible, isn't it?
949
00:43:38,840 --> 00:43:40,799
ROB: How far are we going to go?
950
00:43:40,920 --> 00:43:43,599
- Just a little bit further.
- Because it's late.
951
00:43:43,720 --> 00:43:45,039
I know, I know.
952
00:43:45,160 --> 00:43:46,799
As you can see,
the sun is now the other side of the....
953
00:43:46,920 --> 00:43:48,599
- ROB: Hello.
- STEVE: It's OK. Hello.
954
00:43:48,720 --> 00:43:49,679
- Hello.
- Hi.
955
00:43:49,800 --> 00:43:53,799
Human history's been recorded for...
What? ...3,000 years?
956
00:43:53,920 --> 00:43:57,479
And yet...right now,
we're in a warm period,
957
00:43:57,600 --> 00:44:00,039
but there's going to be another ice age
very soon.
958
00:44:00,160 --> 00:44:02,279
In about, say, I don't know,
a few thousand years.
959
00:44:02,400 --> 00:44:04,199
But that's, you know, a blink of an eye.
960
00:44:04,320 --> 00:44:07,759
The rock... The rocks here
were formed 400 million years ago.
961
00:44:07,880 --> 00:44:09,639
400 million years ago.
962
00:44:09,760 --> 00:44:13,519
It's like...where we are now,
this was a huge volcanic caldera,
963
00:44:13,640 --> 00:44:16,439
this was a volcanic lake
of molten volcano,
964
00:44:16,560 --> 00:44:19,839
and it was on a landmass called
Avalonia that drifted from Southport
965
00:44:19,960 --> 00:44:22,319
all the way to where we are now
over hundreds of million of years.
966
00:44:22,440 --> 00:44:25,999
ROB: We shouldn't probably go much
further, just because of the light.
967
00:44:35,600 --> 00:44:38,599
It's, er... Isn't that beautiful, that?
968
00:44:38,720 --> 00:44:40,519
- Yeah.
- It's just...
969
00:44:40,640 --> 00:44:43,559
I think it's... Obviously,
it's more beautiful in the mist.
970
00:44:46,200 --> 00:44:48,199
- ROB: This is gorgeous.
- It's like a...
971
00:44:48,320 --> 00:44:49,759
It's like a Turner painting.
972
00:45:09,280 --> 00:45:10,879
(STEVE EXHALES)
973
00:45:11,000 --> 00:45:13,719
Erm, have you got two tickets
for Dove Cottage?
974
00:45:13,840 --> 00:45:18,719
I'm really sorry, sir, but the last
admission is five o'clock.
975
00:45:18,840 --> 00:45:23,399
Right, OK. Well, it's...five past.
976
00:45:23,520 --> 00:45:25,359
I'm really sorry, sir,
but these are the rules.
977
00:45:25,480 --> 00:45:27,599
- We'll be very quick.
- Yes, I know, but...
978
00:45:27,720 --> 00:45:31,399
that really wouldn't be fair
on all the other latecomers.
979
00:45:31,520 --> 00:45:34,199
So, what other latecomers?
I can't see anyone.
980
00:45:34,320 --> 00:45:35,799
- No, not at the moment, but...
- Please...
981
00:45:35,920 --> 00:45:39,079
- We've come from London.
- Why didn't you come earlier?
982
00:45:39,200 --> 00:45:41,839
Well, that's...
Because I got...stuck in traffic.
983
00:45:41,960 --> 00:45:44,159
Well, I'm really sorry.
Perhaps you could come back tomorrow.
984
00:45:44,280 --> 00:45:45,879
- I can't...
- Is this man troubling you?
985
00:45:46,000 --> 00:45:47,199
What are you doing?
986
00:45:47,320 --> 00:45:48,759
- Nothing, I just...
- Honestly.
987
00:45:48,880 --> 00:45:50,919
We just wondered if we could pop inside
and have a little look at the cottage.
988
00:45:51,040 --> 00:45:52,599
Mr Brydon?
989
00:45:52,720 --> 00:45:53,879
Yes, it is.
990
00:45:54,000 --> 00:45:55,479
It's very nice to meet you.
991
00:45:55,600 --> 00:45:57,279
Would you do something for me?
992
00:45:57,400 --> 00:45:59,359
- I have a grandson...
- Depends what it is.
993
00:45:59,480 --> 00:46:01,439
I have a grandson and, um,
994
00:46:01,560 --> 00:46:03,919
he loves that, um, tiny man...
995
00:46:04,040 --> 00:46:06,879
- Small Man In A Box?
- ...small man in the box that you do.
996
00:46:07,000 --> 00:46:08,839
Could you sign...sign this for him?
997
00:46:08,960 --> 00:46:10,479
- Sure. Yeah.
- Thank you.
998
00:46:10,600 --> 00:46:12,119
Er...what's his name?
999
00:46:12,240 --> 00:46:14,039
His name is William.
1000
00:46:14,160 --> 00:46:15,999
Well, look, I'll sign this for William,
OK...
1001
00:46:16,120 --> 00:46:17,999
- Yes?
- ..if, er...
1002
00:46:18,120 --> 00:46:19,639
(AS SMALL MAN IN A BOX)
...if my friend and I can go
1003
00:46:19,760 --> 00:46:22,239
take a look at Dove Cottage.
What do you say?
1004
00:46:23,800 --> 00:46:26,239
I don't... I don't understand that.
Why... Why...
1005
00:46:26,360 --> 00:46:28,439
Why do people have to be like that?
1006
00:46:28,560 --> 00:46:30,639
She wasn't being like anything.
1007
00:46:30,760 --> 00:46:33,119
It is only open for another half an hour,
1008
00:46:33,240 --> 00:46:36,679
and that woman, in all fairness,
is probably bereaved.
1009
00:46:36,800 --> 00:46:39,359
Yeah, but it's not my fault
her husband's dead.
1010
00:46:39,480 --> 00:46:40,959
No, but you...
1011
00:46:41,080 --> 00:46:43,439
It's just... Old people sometimes...
Not all old people,
1012
00:46:43,560 --> 00:46:46,239
but a lot of them, seek out aggravation.
1013
00:46:46,360 --> 00:46:49,439
Oh, that's utter rubbish.
She was a love... She was lovely.
1014
00:46:51,120 --> 00:46:54,039
Looks not unlike yourself in that picture.
1015
00:46:57,360 --> 00:46:59,319
OK, ready? One, two...
1016
00:46:59,440 --> 00:47:01,359
(CLICK)
1017
00:47:12,760 --> 00:47:15,079
- Want some?
- Er...no, thank you.
1018
00:47:15,200 --> 00:47:18,519
- Sure?
- Absolutely. Never smoked.
1019
00:47:18,640 --> 00:47:20,159
Hmm.
1020
00:47:20,280 --> 00:47:21,879
That's the...
1021
00:47:22,000 --> 00:47:25,599
That's the trouble with you, Rob.
You're not open to new experiences.
1022
00:47:25,720 --> 00:47:27,399
(SCOFFS)
1023
00:47:27,520 --> 00:47:30,839
I would remind you of the time
I had a Red Bull and Coke.
1024
00:47:34,160 --> 00:47:36,839
That's not what Coleridge
would have been, er...
1025
00:47:36,960 --> 00:47:40,519
would have been imbibing. He wouldn't
have been having a spliff, would he?
1026
00:47:40,640 --> 00:47:42,359
No, he wouldn't,
but if they'd been around...
1027
00:47:42,480 --> 00:47:45,039
He would definitely have partaken
if they'd been around.
1028
00:47:45,160 --> 00:47:50,119
If you really want to pay tribute to him,
you should be having some, um...opium.
1029
00:47:50,240 --> 00:47:51,839
What? That's...
1030
00:47:51,960 --> 00:47:53,999
Or its modern-day equivalent.
1031
00:47:54,120 --> 00:47:55,039
This... This...
1032
00:47:55,160 --> 00:47:57,839
Well, no, the modern-day equivalent
of that, that's heroin.
1033
00:47:57,960 --> 00:47:59,439
Yeah. That's what I'm saying.
1034
00:48:00,720 --> 00:48:02,079
I'm not a junkie, Rob.
1035
00:48:02,200 --> 00:48:04,719
I'm not encouraging you
to become hooked on heroin.
1036
00:48:04,840 --> 00:48:06,879
- I'm just saying...
- Sounds like you are.
1037
00:48:07,000 --> 00:48:09,919
- I'm not. Why would I do that?
- I don't know, for a laugh.
1038
00:48:10,040 --> 00:48:11,799
Ah, it's a hell of a laugh (!)
1039
00:48:11,920 --> 00:48:14,079
You know Steve?
Have you seen Steve lately?
1040
00:48:14,200 --> 00:48:15,599
He's living in that council estate,
1041
00:48:15,720 --> 00:48:18,839
curled up in his own shit.
It was my doing, that was.
1042
00:48:18,960 --> 00:48:22,119
I suggested he try heroin.
Cracking idea.
1043
00:48:22,240 --> 00:48:23,839
I would never do that.
1044
00:48:29,520 --> 00:48:34,279
Most creative people... The most
creative people...smoke, you know...
1045
00:48:35,400 --> 00:48:37,279
...smoke marijuana, smoke hash.
1046
00:48:50,880 --> 00:48:53,159
- Are you Steve Coogan?
- Yes, I am.
1047
00:48:53,280 --> 00:48:54,879
- A-ha!
- A-ha.
1048
00:48:55,000 --> 00:48:56,719
(LAUGHS) All right, mate,
how are you doing?
1049
00:48:56,840 --> 00:48:59,119
- Fine, thanks.
- Listen, do us a favour, would you?
1050
00:48:59,240 --> 00:49:00,839
- Can you sign that?
- Yes, of course.
1051
00:49:00,960 --> 00:49:02,039
- Make it out to Paul.
- OK.
1052
00:49:03,120 --> 00:49:06,359
- Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah, of course, absolutely.
1053
00:49:06,480 --> 00:49:09,719
- Is it true, what I read about you?
- And what do you read about me?
1054
00:49:09,840 --> 00:49:11,159
That you're a bit of a cunt.
1055
00:49:12,280 --> 00:49:13,559
Well, where did you read that?
1056
00:49:13,680 --> 00:49:16,359
Well, it's in today's newspaper.
Here, look.
1057
00:49:18,040 --> 00:49:20,839
Er, whoever said that
doesn't know me very well.
1058
00:49:20,960 --> 00:49:22,439
Are you sure?
1059
00:49:24,840 --> 00:49:26,119
(CHUCKLES)
1060
00:49:26,240 --> 00:49:27,999
What?
1061
00:49:28,120 --> 00:49:30,759
MAN: "Coogan is a cunt," says Dad.
(LAUGHS)
1062
00:49:30,880 --> 00:49:31,879
STEVE: Cunt?
1063
00:49:44,120 --> 00:49:47,279
Did you not... Did you not sleep well,
or something?
1064
00:49:47,400 --> 00:49:50,639
No. I couldn't get off because of the food
1065
00:49:50,760 --> 00:49:52,119
and then when I did get off
1066
00:49:52,240 --> 00:49:55,479
I was, um, having awful dreams,
really bad dreams.
1067
00:49:55,600 --> 00:49:56,999
Blue cheese.
1068
00:49:57,120 --> 00:49:59,719
ROB: Coleridge was a poor sleeper.
1069
00:49:59,840 --> 00:50:04,599
I was reading his poem
called The Pains Of Sleep.
1070
00:50:04,720 --> 00:50:05,759
Mm-hm?
1071
00:50:05,880 --> 00:50:11,279
"Sleep, the wide blessing, seemed to me
Distemper's worst calamity
1072
00:50:11,400 --> 00:50:15,519
"The third night, when my own loud scream
Had waked me from the fiendish dream
1073
00:50:15,640 --> 00:50:19,759
"O'ercome with sufferings strange and wild
1074
00:50:19,880 --> 00:50:22,799
"I wept as I had been a child."
1075
00:50:22,920 --> 00:50:25,159
Yes. No, I know that.
1076
00:50:25,280 --> 00:50:26,439
That's the drugs.
1077
00:50:26,560 --> 00:50:28,559
- What?
- Coleridge, the opium.
1078
00:50:28,680 --> 00:50:29,999
He was a...big druggie.
1079
00:50:30,120 --> 00:50:31,639
Oh, yeah, yeah.
1080
00:50:36,160 --> 00:50:38,919
ROB: You could have a costume drama here,
couldn't you?
1081
00:50:39,040 --> 00:50:41,079
- STEVE: I would love...
- Mel Gibson coming over the hill.
1082
00:50:41,200 --> 00:50:44,119
I would just love to do
a costume drama in these hills,
1083
00:50:44,240 --> 00:50:46,759
just leaping, vaulting over
dry-stone walls with a scabbard,
1084
00:50:46,880 --> 00:50:49,479
just that dead look in my eyes
because I've seen so many horrors
1085
00:50:49,600 --> 00:50:50,839
that I'm sort of immune to it.
1086
00:50:50,960 --> 00:50:54,079
And they always say something like,
"Gentlemen, to bed.
1087
00:50:54,200 --> 00:50:57,559
"Gentlemen, to bed,
for we leave at first light.
1088
00:50:57,680 --> 00:50:59,479
"Tomorrow, we battle...
1089
00:51:00,760 --> 00:51:03,079
"...and we may lose our lives,
1090
00:51:03,200 --> 00:51:06,879
"but remember, death is but a moment.
1091
00:51:07,000 --> 00:51:09,999
- "Cowardice is a lifetime of affliction."
- Nice.
1092
00:51:10,120 --> 00:51:12,519
"To bed, for we rise at daybreak!"
1093
00:51:13,640 --> 00:51:16,039
Very good, very good. Very impressive.
1094
00:51:16,160 --> 00:51:20,119
Always leave at daybreak, don't they?
They never leave at, you know, 9.30.
1095
00:51:21,440 --> 00:51:23,839
"Gentlemen, to bed,
for we leave at 9.30."
1096
00:51:23,960 --> 00:51:25,439
- "Ish."
- "Ish."
1097
00:51:25,560 --> 00:51:28,519
"Gentlemen, to bed,
for we rise at...
1098
00:51:28,640 --> 00:51:30,479
"What time's the battle?"
1099
00:51:30,600 --> 00:51:33,359
- "About, oh, 1 2 o'clock".
- (LAUGHS) Yes.
1100
00:51:33,480 --> 00:51:34,799
"Right. 1 2 o'clock...
1101
00:51:34,920 --> 00:51:37,279
"On horseback, about three hours?
1102
00:51:37,400 --> 00:51:38,479
"Something like that?
1103
00:51:38,600 --> 00:51:43,079
"So...we leave about...8.00, 8.30?"
1104
00:51:43,200 --> 00:51:45,239
- 8.30 for 9.00.
- Yes.
1105
00:51:45,360 --> 00:51:49,159
"Gentlemen, to bed,
for we leave at 8.30 for 9.00,
1106
00:51:49,280 --> 00:51:53,479
"and we rise at just after day...
7.30, so just after daybreak.
1107
00:51:53,600 --> 00:51:57,959
"Gentlemen, to bed,
for we leave at 9.30 on the dot."
1108
00:51:58,080 --> 00:52:00,599
- "On the dot."
- Do you want to have a run, sire,
1109
00:52:00,720 --> 00:52:01,839
- in the morning?
- Yes.
1110
00:52:01,960 --> 00:52:03,399
- Just to loosen up, sire.
- Yes.
1111
00:52:03,520 --> 00:52:06,159
You know the other thing
they never say is,
1112
00:52:06,280 --> 00:52:08,119
"Right, well, we'd better make a move.
1113
00:52:08,240 --> 00:52:11,919
"I want to get back in daylight,
we'd better make a move."
1114
00:52:12,040 --> 00:52:14,559
"To bed. Tomorrow, we rise.
1115
00:52:14,680 --> 00:52:16,039
"We leave at 1 0-ish."
1116
00:52:16,160 --> 00:52:20,639
"But now, to bed, unless you are
one of those people, like me,
1117
00:52:20,760 --> 00:52:24,679
"who finds it very hard to get off
after he's eaten cheese,
1118
00:52:24,800 --> 00:52:27,759
"in which case,
stay ye a while by the fire,
1119
00:52:27,880 --> 00:52:29,639
"talk of battles past and old
1120
00:52:29,760 --> 00:52:34,839
"and then, and only then,
sire, go thee to bed."
1121
00:52:34,960 --> 00:52:36,919
"And sleep well."
1122
00:52:37,040 --> 00:52:39,239
"Sleep the sleep of a thousand martyrs."
1123
00:52:39,360 --> 00:52:42,119
- "Sleep well, my brother".
- "Sleep well, my sister.
1124
00:52:42,240 --> 00:52:44,559
"Sleep with my sister!"
1125
00:52:44,680 --> 00:52:46,559
"Sleep well, my brother.
Sleep well, my sister.
1126
00:52:46,680 --> 00:52:48,319
"But please do not sleep with my sister."
1127
00:52:48,440 --> 00:52:51,799
- "Leave my sister out of it, all right?"
- "Leave my sister alone."
1128
00:52:51,920 --> 00:52:53,759
ROB: "Don't touch her."
1129
00:52:53,880 --> 00:52:57,519
"Gentlemen, to bed,
for at daybreak I will..."
1130
00:52:57,640 --> 00:52:58,639
"Breakfast."
1131
00:52:58,760 --> 00:52:59,719
"We will breakfast."
1132
00:52:59,840 --> 00:53:01,159
- "Sire, sire..."
- "Yes?"
1133
00:53:01,280 --> 00:53:02,959
" 'Tis a continental breakfast.
1134
00:53:03,080 --> 00:53:05,119
" 'Twill only take 20 minutes max.
1135
00:53:05,240 --> 00:53:07,079
"Thank you, Brother Rob."
1136
00:53:07,200 --> 00:53:09,079
Brother Rob? Don't call me Brother Rob.
1137
00:53:09,200 --> 00:53:11,159
- I'd be Brother Jed.
- No, no, no!
1138
00:53:11,280 --> 00:53:12,719
You've seen Rob Roy.
1139
00:53:12,840 --> 00:53:15,479
Liam Neeson in a kilt.
Of course you could be called Rob.
1140
00:53:15,600 --> 00:53:18,279
(SCOTTISH ACCENT) "Brother, tomorrow...
Tomorrow, we shall have breakfast.
1141
00:53:18,400 --> 00:53:22,399
"We shall rise at nine and we shall
head off tomorrow morning."
1142
00:53:22,520 --> 00:53:25,879
"Thank you, Brother Rob,
and let me say this...
1143
00:53:26,000 --> 00:53:27,399
"Look into my eyes...
1144
00:53:27,520 --> 00:53:31,879
"You are my brother and you sound
a bit like Billy Connolly."
1145
00:53:32,000 --> 00:53:36,319
(AS BILLY CON NOLLY) I know! I know!
I can't help it.
1146
00:53:36,440 --> 00:53:39,439
(AS BILLY CON NOLLY) "Gentlemen, to bed,
for tomorrow we rise at daybreak."
1147
00:53:39,560 --> 00:53:41,159
"We rise at daybreak."
1148
00:53:41,280 --> 00:53:44,119
(AS BILLY CON NOLLY) How do they do that?
They always rise at daybreak.
1149
00:53:48,080 --> 00:53:50,519
- # Ba-ba-ba-do-do-do-do
- # Bah-bah-bah-do
1150
00:53:50,640 --> 00:53:52,479
- # Ba-da-ba-da-ba-ba-ba... #
- # La-la-la-la... #
1151
00:53:52,600 --> 00:53:55,839
(BOTH CONTINUE TO SCAT)
1152
00:54:10,080 --> 00:54:11,879
Their expressions would really match
their kind of...
1153
00:54:12,000 --> 00:54:14,399
- # Do-be-do bo ba da wah wah... #
- Yeah.
1154
00:54:14,520 --> 00:54:15,919
Big, open... Happy faces.
1155
00:54:16,040 --> 00:54:17,639
(BOTH SCAT)
1156
00:54:17,760 --> 00:54:19,319
It was nice.
1157
00:54:19,440 --> 00:54:21,239
A very uncynical kind of music.
1158
00:54:21,360 --> 00:54:24,039
I miss it. I really miss it.
1159
00:54:32,160 --> 00:54:33,399
Hello.
1160
00:54:33,520 --> 00:54:35,039
- Hey! Are you all right?
- Yes.
1161
00:54:35,160 --> 00:54:38,119
- This is Yolanda, the photographer.
- Hello, Yolanda. Nice to meet you.
1162
00:54:39,640 --> 00:54:41,319
- And Rob, this is Yolanda.
- Hi.
1163
00:54:41,440 --> 00:54:42,639
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
1164
00:54:42,760 --> 00:54:45,319
- Hi. How are you? You all right?
- I'm very good. Are you all right?
1165
00:54:45,440 --> 00:54:46,519
EMMA: Mwah!
1166
00:54:46,640 --> 00:54:48,919
- Good.
- Don't do that.
1167
00:54:49,040 --> 00:54:51,519
That's very funny, yeah.
There's been none of that on the trip.
1168
00:54:51,640 --> 00:54:53,839
- None of that. Heavy petting.
- Heavy petting.
1169
00:54:53,960 --> 00:54:55,999
- We draw the line...
- Pass the time somehow.
1170
00:54:56,120 --> 00:54:58,799
- Yeah, but no penetration.
- Very good.
1171
00:54:58,920 --> 00:55:01,359
- OK, it's just up here.
- OK.
1172
00:55:01,480 --> 00:55:04,119
And I've looked at all the rooms,
and yours is the nicest.
1173
00:55:04,240 --> 00:55:05,399
- Good, good.
- Yeah.
1174
00:55:05,520 --> 00:55:06,919
What's...
1175
00:55:07,040 --> 00:55:09,199
- What's Rob's room like?
- It's nice, it's nice.
1176
00:55:09,320 --> 00:55:11,279
It's not as big as yours,
but, yeah...
1177
00:55:11,400 --> 00:55:13,639
- Great.
- Right. There you go.
1178
00:55:13,760 --> 00:55:15,279
Oh, very nice.
1179
00:55:15,400 --> 00:55:17,039
- All right, isn't it?
- Very beige.
1180
00:55:17,160 --> 00:55:19,359
Well, yeah.
The bathroom's through there,
1181
00:55:19,480 --> 00:55:22,439
there's, like, a little study area and...
yeah, it's all right.
1182
00:55:22,560 --> 00:55:24,759
Great, great. Right.
1183
00:55:26,240 --> 00:55:29,199
Um, listen, have I...
have I met Yolanda before?
1184
00:55:29,320 --> 00:55:32,439
I don't know.
Maybe before my time? Maybe?
1185
00:55:32,560 --> 00:55:35,359
We need to get some sort of
a system going
1186
00:55:35,480 --> 00:55:36,599
about who I've met before,
1187
00:55:36,720 --> 00:55:38,199
- and who I haven't, because...
- Right.
1188
00:55:38,320 --> 00:55:40,799
Because they remember meeting me
and I don't remember meeting them
1189
00:55:40,920 --> 00:55:42,639
- so it can get embarrassing.
- Do you want me to ask her?
1190
00:55:42,760 --> 00:55:44,319
- No, no, no, don't ask her.
- OK. OK.
1191
00:55:44,440 --> 00:55:47,679
Just... Just see if she mentions anything.
1192
00:55:47,800 --> 00:55:49,079
Right, OK.
1193
00:55:49,200 --> 00:55:52,879
- (SIGHS) So, is this all right? Look OK?
- Yeah, you look nice.
1194
00:55:53,000 --> 00:55:54,759
You look a bit like that guy off Top Gear.
1195
00:55:54,880 --> 00:55:57,399
- What? Jeremy Clarkson?
- No, no, no, the other one.
1196
00:55:57,520 --> 00:55:59,399
- What, Richard Hammond?!
- Yeah, yeah.
1197
00:55:59,520 --> 00:56:00,479
That's worse.
1198
00:56:00,600 --> 00:56:01,639
Well...
1199
00:56:13,360 --> 00:56:15,319
(GROANS SOFTLY)
1200
00:56:15,440 --> 00:56:16,719
(SIGHS)
1201
00:56:24,200 --> 00:56:27,239
- So how has the trip been so far?
- Rob?
1202
00:56:27,360 --> 00:56:29,479
(AS RON NIE CORBETT) I can honestly say
1203
00:56:29,600 --> 00:56:33,319
it's one of the most enjoyable
periods of my life. (CHUCKLES)
1204
00:56:33,440 --> 00:56:37,239
- Yolanda, you know who that is?
- No, I don't.
1205
00:56:38,560 --> 00:56:40,679
(LOW CHATTER)
1206
00:56:44,000 --> 00:56:45,279
OK, who's this? Ready? Who's this?
1207
00:56:45,400 --> 00:56:48,759
(AS MICHAEL CAIN E) She was only...
She was only 1 5 years old.
1208
00:56:48,880 --> 00:56:51,439
She was only 1 5 years old.
1209
00:56:51,560 --> 00:56:54,599
She was only 1 5 years... (NORMAL VOICE)
Listen to the sound of the voice.
1210
00:56:54,720 --> 00:56:56,879
STEVE: Give you a clue -
it's not a Muppet.
1211
00:56:57,000 --> 00:56:59,559
- (EMMA LAUGHS)
- That's all... That's all I'm saying.
1212
00:56:59,680 --> 00:57:01,719
(AS MICHAEL CAIN E) She was only
1 5 years old.
1213
00:57:01,840 --> 00:57:03,999
You're a big man but you're out of shape.
1214
00:57:04,120 --> 00:57:05,799
Right, but nowadays his...
1215
00:57:05,920 --> 00:57:09,399
Right, now, this is how he sounds now,
the voice has gone...
1216
00:57:09,520 --> 00:57:11,759
"Shall I prepare the Batmobile,
Master Wayne?"
1217
00:57:11,880 --> 00:57:13,839
That is how he talks now. Right?
1218
00:57:13,960 --> 00:57:17,679
"I've just been to do an Italian Job
with Hannah And Her Sisters.
1219
00:57:17,800 --> 00:57:20,079
"On the way, I had a bit of a Zulu,
1220
00:57:20,200 --> 00:57:23,559
"so I had to pop to the loo
and then, then,
1221
00:57:23,680 --> 00:57:27,439
"I... I... Not a lot of people..."
(NORMAL VOICE) You know that?
1222
00:57:27,560 --> 00:57:31,039
- It sounds so familiar... I've really...
- He's an international star.
1223
00:57:31,160 --> 00:57:33,559
The thing is, is it an actor?
1224
00:57:33,680 --> 00:57:35,039
Yes.
1225
00:57:35,160 --> 00:57:38,159
No, he's the man who comes
and does my boiler(!) Yes, he's an actor.
1226
00:57:38,280 --> 00:57:40,759
He might as well be the guy who comes
and does your boiler!
1227
00:57:40,880 --> 00:57:43,519
No, because if he is an actor,
in Spain they dub the films,
1228
00:57:43,640 --> 00:57:45,159
- so I really...
- Oh. OK.
1229
00:57:45,280 --> 00:57:47,159
- What, they dub the films?
- I... Yes...
1230
00:57:47,280 --> 00:57:49,319
(SPEAKS NONSENSE IN BAD SPANISH
ACCENT)
1231
00:57:49,440 --> 00:57:52,159
Here we go.
(IMITATES DUBBED MICHAEL CAIN E)
1232
00:57:52,280 --> 00:57:54,159
Not a lot of people...
1233
00:57:54,280 --> 00:57:55,279
- That's not my accent.
- Shameless.
1234
00:57:55,400 --> 00:57:58,039
- No, it's not.
- No, no, it's a rough approximation.
1235
00:57:58,160 --> 00:58:00,839
Do you like that racist generalised
interpretation of Spanish?
1236
00:58:00,960 --> 00:58:03,199
Oh, that is not racist!
You're such an arse!
1237
00:58:03,320 --> 00:58:04,879
- (BURBLES INCOHERENTLY)
- You're such an arse!
1238
00:58:05,000 --> 00:58:07,159
Right, ready? Here's a clue.
This might give it to you.
1239
00:58:07,280 --> 00:58:10,279
(AS MICHAEL CAIN E)
My name is Michael Caine.
1240
00:58:10,400 --> 00:58:13,039
- Oh, OK. Oh, right. It is Michael Caine.
- Michael Caine!
1241
00:58:13,160 --> 00:58:14,839
STEVE: Hooray! Wow, yes.
YOLAN DA: Yeah.
1242
00:58:14,960 --> 00:58:17,639
(AS MICHAEL CAIN E) Rob's was
a very entertaining version
1243
00:58:17,760 --> 00:58:20,839
but I don't think,
I don't think it was as accurate as mine.
1244
00:58:22,520 --> 00:58:25,799
She was only 1 5,
she was only 1 5 years old.
1245
00:58:25,920 --> 00:58:27,159
You're getting Michael Caines on stereo.
1246
00:58:27,280 --> 00:58:28,799
She was only 1 5 years old.
1247
00:58:28,920 --> 00:58:33,159
You're only supposed to
blow the bloody doors off!
1248
00:58:33,280 --> 00:58:36,119
She was only 1 5 years old.
1249
00:58:36,240 --> 00:58:40,119
Oh, my God. (LAUGHS)
Yeah, I do recognise him now.
1250
00:58:40,240 --> 00:58:43,039
(NORMAL VOICE) Excellent, let's move on.
Good.
1251
00:58:47,640 --> 00:58:49,919
Oh, wow, thank you very much.
1252
00:58:51,000 --> 00:58:55,079
I was thinking I could take
the photographs up in the hills.
1253
00:58:55,200 --> 00:58:57,319
I saw a place when I was coming,
very nice.
1254
00:58:57,440 --> 00:59:00,799
- OK, sort of lone walker?
- ROB: "I wandered lonely as a cloud."
1255
00:59:00,920 --> 00:59:03,159
Yeah, although that sounds
a bit like I'm lonely.
1256
00:59:03,280 --> 00:59:04,479
ROB: Are you going to change your clothes?
1257
00:59:04,600 --> 00:59:05,759
Again.
1258
00:59:05,880 --> 00:59:08,919
- Well, actually, um...
- I wouldn't wear that on the hills.
1259
00:59:09,040 --> 00:59:12,479
No, you're right. I've got proper walking
gear. I've got, you know, crampons...
1260
00:59:12,600 --> 00:59:16,759
(AS ALAN PARTRIDGE) Urrr! I like to go for
a nice ramble, Lynn. Up Helvellyn!
1261
00:59:16,880 --> 00:59:18,919
- I have boots. I have...
- Ohh!
1262
00:59:19,040 --> 00:59:21,079
"Lynn, Lynn, where are my crampons?"
1263
00:59:21,200 --> 00:59:24,439
"Why have you brought tampons?
That's not what I said !"
1264
00:59:26,200 --> 00:59:28,879
"No, you fool, crampons."
1265
00:59:29,000 --> 00:59:30,479
- "Urrr!"
- That's good.
1266
00:59:30,600 --> 00:59:31,999
You could have written for the show,
1267
00:59:32,120 --> 00:59:35,039
because it's so up there
with the best stuff(!)
1268
00:59:35,160 --> 00:59:38,799
I'd love to quote your own stuff back
at you, but I...I just don't know any.
1269
00:59:38,920 --> 00:59:40,079
No.
1270
00:59:40,200 --> 00:59:43,239
Odd, because you were
executive producer on a lot of it.
1271
00:59:43,360 --> 00:59:45,959
- And I still don't know any.
- You never were that attentive at work!
1272
00:59:46,080 --> 00:59:48,319
(CLOCK CHIMES)
1273
00:59:53,320 --> 00:59:55,759
So, this is it.
It's kind of, you know...
1274
00:59:55,880 --> 00:59:58,719
- Nice.
- Yes, whatever. It's...creamy.
1275
00:59:58,840 --> 01:00:02,399
If you like cream,
then you'll be happy, I guess.
1276
01:00:02,520 --> 01:00:05,039
- There's a little seating area there.
- Mm-hm.
1277
01:00:06,360 --> 01:00:08,239
- Bathroom.
- Wow. It's very nice.
1278
01:00:08,360 --> 01:00:10,159
Don't know why I'm telling you.
1279
01:00:10,280 --> 01:00:13,159
Petits fours.
Why are they called petits fours?
1280
01:00:13,280 --> 01:00:15,079
Little oven. Fours is French for oven.
1281
01:00:15,200 --> 01:00:16,719
Ah.
1282
01:00:16,840 --> 01:00:19,439
Er, Yolanda...did...
1283
01:00:20,480 --> 01:00:21,799
Have we met before?
1284
01:00:21,920 --> 01:00:23,279
- Yes, we have.
- Oh, OK.
1285
01:00:23,400 --> 01:00:27,399
It was five years ago, erm,
it was for a photoshoot for Time Out.
1286
01:00:27,520 --> 01:00:31,039
Right, and, er...did we do
something afterwards?
1287
01:00:31,160 --> 01:00:32,879
- Yes, we did.
- OK.
1288
01:00:33,000 --> 01:00:34,799
You don't remember?
1289
01:00:34,920 --> 01:00:36,319
No, I do remember.
1290
01:00:38,040 --> 01:00:39,039
How are you?
1291
01:00:39,160 --> 01:00:40,479
I'm OK, I'm fine, yeah.
1292
01:00:40,600 --> 01:00:41,599
Right, good.
1293
01:00:41,720 --> 01:00:44,759
Listen, I think I'm going to have
a line. Erm, do you want one?
1294
01:00:44,880 --> 01:00:46,239
- Er, coke?
- Yeah.
1295
01:00:46,360 --> 01:00:48,599
- No, no, no.
- Do you mind if I do?
1296
01:00:48,720 --> 01:00:51,079
- Oh, no, oh, no, please.
- OK.
1297
01:00:51,200 --> 01:00:53,479
There's a bathroom there
with lots of marble.
1298
01:00:53,600 --> 01:00:55,559
OK, all right. Thank you.
1299
01:00:55,680 --> 01:00:58,119
So, they're picking clothes.
1300
01:00:58,240 --> 01:01:00,999
He's probably wearing
the crampons now, halfway up the...
1301
01:01:01,120 --> 01:01:02,599
He's up the side of the wardrobe.
1302
01:01:02,720 --> 01:01:04,439
"What do you think? What do you think?
1303
01:01:04,560 --> 01:01:08,999
"Does this look good? Urrr..."
Like Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible II.
1304
01:01:17,120 --> 01:01:19,319
- Yolanda?
- Mm-hm?
1305
01:01:19,440 --> 01:01:21,799
I mean, this is kind of outdoorsy...
1306
01:01:21,920 --> 01:01:25,079
- Bit of the Shackleton...going on there.
- Erm, it's a bit too bright.
1307
01:01:25,200 --> 01:01:28,079
Well, this is what I would wear if I was,
you know, genuinely out walking...
1308
01:01:28,200 --> 01:01:29,159
- OK.
- I wouldn't normally...
1309
01:01:29,280 --> 01:01:30,719
The red's just for
safety reasons, you know?
1310
01:01:30,840 --> 01:01:31,759
Mm.
1311
01:01:31,880 --> 01:01:35,079
But, erm...I've got darker stuff,
that's fine.
1312
01:01:35,200 --> 01:01:36,839
OK. You're sure you don't want one?
1313
01:01:36,960 --> 01:01:38,719
No-o-o.
1314
01:01:41,720 --> 01:01:43,799
Erm...no?
1315
01:01:43,920 --> 01:01:45,719
No.
1316
01:01:50,320 --> 01:01:54,479
It reminds me of the kind of place
where, like, Wuthering Heights...
1317
01:01:54,600 --> 01:01:56,559
- Oh, Wuthering Heights?
- Heathcliff.
1318
01:01:56,680 --> 01:01:58,599
Yeah, no, no,
that's not far from here. That's...
1319
01:01:58,720 --> 01:02:00,039
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
1320
01:02:00,160 --> 01:02:01,919
It's, er, the Yorkshire Moors.
1321
01:02:02,040 --> 01:02:04,239
That's, erm, yeah,
at a place called Haworth, that's...
1322
01:02:04,360 --> 01:02:05,279
Oh, OK.
1323
01:02:05,400 --> 01:02:09,519
Wuthering Heights. So do you think
I could be...I could play Heathcliff?
1324
01:02:09,640 --> 01:02:10,839
Definitely.
1325
01:02:10,960 --> 01:02:13,639
Yeah. Have to be...
I'd have to be more like...
1326
01:02:13,760 --> 01:02:15,639
I'd like to play... I think he's,
you know...he's interesting.
1327
01:02:15,760 --> 01:02:16,679
Very interesting.
1328
01:02:16,800 --> 01:02:19,119
- Kind of cruel...
- Mm-hm.
1329
01:02:19,240 --> 01:02:23,479
Cruel but...I don't know,
compelling, I guess is...
1330
01:02:23,600 --> 01:02:26,199
There is something
very attractive about him.
1331
01:02:26,320 --> 01:02:29,999
Yeah. I think I'm a little old to play him
but...I'd like to.
1332
01:02:30,120 --> 01:02:31,199
Well...
1333
01:02:31,320 --> 01:02:32,879
Are you sad not to be in the picture?
1334
01:02:33,000 --> 01:02:34,879
Tiny bit hurt that he didn't want me to,
1335
01:02:35,000 --> 01:02:36,319
but I'm only saying that because it's you.
1336
01:02:36,440 --> 01:02:37,399
Yeah.
1337
01:02:37,520 --> 01:02:41,239
I'm not... I'm not at a level
that any human could notice.
1338
01:02:41,360 --> 01:02:43,719
Only dogs could detect my hurt.
1339
01:02:43,840 --> 01:02:45,639
- Dogs and me.
- I'm slightly...
1340
01:02:45,760 --> 01:02:47,279
Yes, and you're not, erm...
1341
01:02:47,400 --> 01:02:51,039
(AS HUGH GRANT) If you... If you were
a dog, then I-I-I should be very happy
1342
01:02:51,160 --> 01:02:55,839
for you to...gosh, to curl up
in my basket and...chew my bone.
1343
01:02:55,960 --> 01:02:58,679
That sounds... Yeah, sorry.
1344
01:02:58,800 --> 01:03:00,359
It's all right.
1345
01:03:00,480 --> 01:03:02,959
- (MOBILE RINGS)
- What's that?
1346
01:03:03,080 --> 01:03:04,239
That's... Sorry, can I take this?
1347
01:03:04,360 --> 01:03:06,679
- It's from my American agent.
- Sure.
1348
01:03:06,800 --> 01:03:09,479
- Hello?
- Ste-eve Coogan!
1349
01:03:09,600 --> 01:03:11,039
- Hey, man.
- Matt, how are you doing?
1350
01:03:11,160 --> 01:03:15,159
I'm doing good. What's the weather
like in Ste-eve Coogan land?
1351
01:03:15,280 --> 01:03:16,959
It's...frigging cold.
1352
01:03:17,080 --> 01:03:19,279
Well, it's hot in Hollywoodland.
I'll tell you that.
1353
01:03:19,400 --> 01:03:21,559
Yeah, I know, I wish I was.
I know the weather is.
1354
01:03:21,680 --> 01:03:23,119
Listen, listen, cut to the chase.
1355
01:03:23,240 --> 01:03:25,999
- You have got co-lead...
- OK...
1356
01:03:26,120 --> 01:03:27,439
...in a drama series.
1357
01:03:27,560 --> 01:03:31,759
It's called... Let me give you
the info here, it's called, er...
1358
01:03:31,880 --> 01:03:34,279
Yeah, it's called Pathological, OK?
1359
01:03:34,400 --> 01:03:35,679
You play a pathologist.
1360
01:03:35,800 --> 01:03:39,199
If it goes, it's seven years.
If it goes, you're a household name.
1361
01:03:39,320 --> 01:03:42,519
I think the pork belly
made me a little, um...
1362
01:03:42,640 --> 01:03:44,919
- (SHE LAUGHS)
- ...amorous.
1363
01:03:45,040 --> 01:03:46,519
- Did it?
- Yes.
1364
01:03:46,640 --> 01:03:48,759
- Pork belly will do that.
- Pork will do that to you.
1365
01:03:48,880 --> 01:03:51,599
- Was that good news?
- Yeah, kind of.
1366
01:03:51,720 --> 01:03:55,359
I'm... They've offered me
a lead in a...in a drama.
1367
01:03:55,480 --> 01:03:57,799
- Oh, wow!
- I mean, it's nice to, you know,
1368
01:03:57,920 --> 01:03:59,119
get an offer like that.
1369
01:03:59,240 --> 01:04:00,919
Absolutely. I mean, that's just fantastic.
1370
01:04:01,040 --> 01:04:03,639
Yeah, so, erm... I'm just worried,
my chin's OK, right?
1371
01:04:03,760 --> 01:04:06,359
- It's not too fat?
- Your chin is absolutely fine.
1372
01:04:06,480 --> 01:04:09,679
It's beautiful.
You know, if you ever want to see
1373
01:04:09,800 --> 01:04:11,799
the Brontë sisters' house...
1374
01:04:11,920 --> 01:04:14,039
- Uh-huh.
- ...it's not, er...
1375
01:04:14,160 --> 01:04:16,239
it's not too far.
1376
01:04:16,360 --> 01:04:18,079
If you want to go visit,
I'll take you there.
1377
01:04:32,720 --> 01:04:34,039
(DOOR SHUTS)
1378
01:04:42,440 --> 01:04:44,439
Have you noticed, as you get older,
1379
01:04:44,560 --> 01:04:46,399
- older women...
- Yeah.
1380
01:04:46,520 --> 01:04:49,279
- ...seem more attractive to you?
- And younger women.
1381
01:04:49,400 --> 01:04:52,199
- And younger women, you know.
- Women in general.
1382
01:04:52,320 --> 01:04:55,959
Well, yeah, but younger women
cos of their life-giving qualities
1383
01:04:56,080 --> 01:05:01,879
and older women just cos, you know...
cos you appreciate personality more.
1384
01:05:02,000 --> 01:05:05,879
STEVE: I thought we'd try and avoid the
A roads, right, and go up the B62 5 5
1385
01:05:06,000 --> 01:05:09,679
to Hawes, right? Then cut down
through Ottershaw, Yockenthwaite,
1386
01:05:09,800 --> 01:05:13,079
Buckden, down the B6 1 60
through Kettlewell,
1387
01:05:13,200 --> 01:05:16,079
then the B6265 through Grassington
to Pateley Bridge,
1388
01:05:16,200 --> 01:05:17,719
then up to Ramsgill from there, right?
1389
01:05:17,840 --> 01:05:19,719
Yes, Captain.
Use the sat nav tomorrow?
1390
01:05:19,840 --> 01:05:22,519
The thing about sat nav is,
you don't know where you're going,
1391
01:05:22,640 --> 01:05:23,959
you've no sense of geography.
1392
01:05:24,080 --> 01:05:25,919
ROB: But it gets you there...
the quickest way.
1393
01:05:26,040 --> 01:05:29,079
STEVE: It's not about the destination,
it's about the journey.
1394
01:05:31,480 --> 01:05:33,239
Ohhh!
1395
01:05:33,360 --> 01:05:37,399
Well?
1396
01:05:37,520 --> 01:05:39,719
Did you?
1397
01:05:39,840 --> 01:05:44,039
I meet women, I charm them, I seduce them,
it's the...it's the aristocratic way.
1398
01:05:44,160 --> 01:05:46,439
Women are my windmills,
I tilt at them.
1399
01:05:46,560 --> 01:05:49,919
I'm like a...a knight, a knight of old,
wandering the land.
1400
01:05:50,040 --> 01:05:51,959
Don Quixote, yeah?
1401
01:05:52,080 --> 01:05:53,959
Er, in a manner of speaking.
1402
01:05:54,080 --> 01:05:56,559
A British Don Quixote.
1403
01:05:56,680 --> 01:05:59,399
Don Coogan, the Don.
1404
01:05:59,520 --> 01:06:01,759
(AS PACINO) Oh! Don Coogan...
1405
01:06:01,880 --> 01:06:04,879
Just going to demist the windows, Rob,
if it's all right with you.
1406
01:06:12,360 --> 01:06:14,159
See that there? That's a brook.
1407
01:06:14,280 --> 01:06:16,239
- Yeah.
- You know what's it's doing?
1408
01:06:16,360 --> 01:06:17,839
- Babbling.
- Yeah.
1409
01:06:17,960 --> 01:06:19,399
The only thing that babbles is a brook.
1410
01:06:19,520 --> 01:06:20,839
And what else? What else babbles?
1411
01:06:20,960 --> 01:06:24,439
- You.
- No, no, I... No, I ramble. I ramble.
1412
01:06:24,560 --> 01:06:28,519
I ramble through the hills
and occasionally at dinner parties.
1413
01:06:28,640 --> 01:06:32,039
They used to think this was
a collapsed cave but this was actually
1414
01:06:32,160 --> 01:06:36,879
formed by...about 1 0,000 years ago,
by just traditional glaciation.
1415
01:06:37,000 --> 01:06:40,639
Well, a big block of ice,
say a kilometre thick, er,
1416
01:06:40,760 --> 01:06:44,399
would start to melt and normally
the water would find tributaries and...
1417
01:06:44,520 --> 01:06:46,719
Whoa, ho, ho, ho, ho! Look at that!
1418
01:06:46,840 --> 01:06:49,239
The limestone...was too frozen
for the tributary...
1419
01:06:49,360 --> 01:06:50,519
All right, don't talk.
1420
01:06:50,640 --> 01:06:52,399
...for the rivers to find a way through.
1421
01:06:52,520 --> 01:06:54,719
- Stop talking.
- Yeah, but I'm actually
1422
01:06:54,840 --> 01:06:56,719
saying some information.
If you're talking...
1423
01:06:56,840 --> 01:06:58,479
I don't want to listen to you
all the time.
1424
01:06:58,600 --> 01:07:00,159
I don't want to listen
to you all the time
1425
01:07:00,280 --> 01:07:02,079
but you're giving it all that, and
I'm actually telling you something useful.
1426
01:07:02,200 --> 01:07:03,719
I've been absolutely silent
all the way up here!
1427
01:07:03,840 --> 01:07:05,559
I'm telling you something
useful about what's made this!
1428
01:07:05,680 --> 01:07:08,639
Yeah, and I'd rather you didn't explain.
I'd rather look at it and appreciate it.
1429
01:07:08,760 --> 01:07:11,359
You're just annoyed because you don't know
about... It's annoying you that I know...
1430
01:07:11,480 --> 01:07:14,559
I'm not annoyed, I just want
to look at it! Just be shush.
1431
01:07:14,680 --> 01:07:18,359
OK, all right. Yeah, I never thought
you'd tell me to shush, honest.
1432
01:07:21,560 --> 01:07:22,799
Wow.
1433
01:07:27,120 --> 01:07:29,319
"Five years have passed...
1434
01:07:29,440 --> 01:07:33,239
"Five summers
with the length of five long winters
1435
01:07:33,360 --> 01:07:39,119
"And again I hear these waters
rolling from their mountain springs
1436
01:07:39,240 --> 01:07:41,959
"With soft inland murmur
1437
01:07:42,080 --> 01:07:46,839
"Oft, in lonely rooms,
mid the din of towns and cities
1438
01:07:46,960 --> 01:07:52,399
"I have owed to them, in times
of weariness, sensations sweet."
1439
01:07:53,440 --> 01:07:54,959
You know where that was written?
1440
01:07:55,080 --> 01:07:57,519
Tintern Abbey, Wales.
1441
01:07:58,840 --> 01:08:00,999
I know, that's why I asked you.
1442
01:08:01,120 --> 01:08:05,199
(FRUITILY) "Oft, in lonely rooms,
mid the din of towns and cities
1443
01:08:05,320 --> 01:08:07,679
"I have owed to them,
in hours of weariness..."
1444
01:08:07,800 --> 01:08:09,639
- Spoiling it, you're spoiling it.
- "...sensations sweet..."
1445
01:08:09,760 --> 01:08:12,479
Why do you... You don't have to do it
in that voice.
1446
01:08:12,600 --> 01:08:15,199
- Come on, let's...head on up.
- Where?
1447
01:08:15,320 --> 01:08:17,239
Up there.
1448
01:08:17,360 --> 01:08:19,679
- Serious?
- Yeah.
1449
01:08:19,800 --> 01:08:21,079
- No.
- Why?
1450
01:08:21,200 --> 01:08:22,839
It's too dangerous.
1451
01:08:22,960 --> 01:08:26,239
You've just got to...make sure
you've got secure footing.
1452
01:08:26,360 --> 01:08:28,679
They've got hats and backpacks.
1453
01:08:28,800 --> 01:08:30,679
The backpack makes it harder.
1454
01:08:30,800 --> 01:08:33,079
I sometimes get, like, a fluttery heart,
1455
01:08:33,200 --> 01:08:34,719
like an arrhythmic heartbeat,
and I've got it now.
1456
01:08:34,840 --> 01:08:38,439
- I get it when I'm stressed.
- All right. Well, I'm going that way.
1457
01:08:38,560 --> 01:08:40,319
I'll be about a couple of hours,
all right?
1458
01:08:40,440 --> 01:08:41,799
How long?
1459
01:08:41,920 --> 01:08:43,879
- Two hours.
- Two hours?
1460
01:08:44,000 --> 01:08:47,319
Yeah. If it gets to three,
then, er...Mountain Rescue.
1461
01:08:47,440 --> 01:08:49,639
If you break your leg,
don't come running to me.
1462
01:08:49,760 --> 01:08:52,159
Ha, ha, very good (!)
1463
01:08:53,200 --> 01:08:54,119
Steve?
1464
01:08:54,240 --> 01:08:56,119
Steve!
1465
01:08:57,560 --> 01:08:59,519
Be careful!
1466
01:09:32,760 --> 01:09:34,439
(BIRDS CALL)
1467
01:09:36,640 --> 01:09:38,359
(SHEEP BLEAT)
1468
01:09:47,560 --> 01:09:49,239
(HE SIGHS)
1469
01:10:03,000 --> 01:10:05,119
- Afternoon.
- Good afternoon.
1470
01:10:05,240 --> 01:10:07,039
- Lovely day.
- Beautiful, yeah.
1471
01:10:07,160 --> 01:10:09,679
- Absolutely superb.
- No, it's magical.
1472
01:10:09,800 --> 01:10:11,879
Yeah, we're very fortunate today.
1473
01:10:12,000 --> 01:10:14,799
Have you been here,
around this area for a while or...?
1474
01:10:14,920 --> 01:10:16,239
Yeah, I'm aware of...
1475
01:10:16,360 --> 01:10:19,519
Are you? Oh, that's excellent,
you know about the limestone
1476
01:10:19,640 --> 01:10:21,319
a wee bit, without being clever.
1477
01:10:21,440 --> 01:10:24,159
So you'll know that it started off life
in the Bahamas,
1478
01:10:24,280 --> 01:10:26,279
or somewhere
along that sort of latitude,
1479
01:10:26,400 --> 01:10:29,799
- south of the equator.
- When the landmass was part of Avalonia.
1480
01:10:29,920 --> 01:10:33,799
That's right, yeah, yeah.
Which had joined onto Laurasia, of course.
1481
01:10:33,920 --> 01:10:36,999
Erm, and...world-famous
Malham limestone pavement,
1482
01:10:37,120 --> 01:10:38,519
- I suppose you would describe it.
- Yeah.
1483
01:10:38,640 --> 01:10:41,479
And Malham Cove,
it's in many, many textbooks.
1484
01:10:41,600 --> 01:10:43,919
- Yeah, well aware of it.
- And photographs, tremendous.
1485
01:10:44,040 --> 01:10:46,319
The only disadvantage with limestone,
although very hard rock,
1486
01:10:46,440 --> 01:10:49,919
road wearing and all the rest of it,
coarse based stuff...
1487
01:10:50,040 --> 01:10:50,959
Yes.
1488
01:10:51,080 --> 01:10:54,879
...it dissolves in weak acid,
and the acid derives from the water,
1489
01:10:55,000 --> 01:10:56,439
rainwater, which combines with
1490
01:10:56,560 --> 01:10:59,159
- carbon dioxide in the atmosphere...
- Mm.
1491
01:10:59,280 --> 01:11:02,039
...and then the rain
falls onto the limestone,
1492
01:11:02,160 --> 01:11:03,799
which is calcium carbonate...
1493
01:11:03,920 --> 01:11:06,039
- Yeah.
- ...and the features we're looking at,
1494
01:11:06,160 --> 01:11:10,359
these linear features, began as basically
cracks in the rock as it lithified.
1495
01:11:10,480 --> 01:11:11,999
That's right, yeah. Just...
1496
01:11:12,120 --> 01:11:13,759
- And, of course...
- ...carved away.
1497
01:11:13,880 --> 01:11:16,999
...they've dissolved into the width
that we see today, as have the...
1498
01:11:17,120 --> 01:11:19,839
not only the longitudinal ones,
the east-west ones.
1499
01:11:19,960 --> 01:11:21,919
- Yeah.
- Same thing.
1500
01:11:22,040 --> 01:11:25,959
But the features on the surface
are indeed very famous indeed.
1501
01:11:26,080 --> 01:11:27,799
You'll see a number of these
little potholes...
1502
01:11:27,920 --> 01:11:29,639
- Oh, yeah.
- ...these round potholes.
1503
01:11:29,760 --> 01:11:31,679
They are water solution holes.
1504
01:11:31,800 --> 01:11:33,839
- Brilliant, yeah.
- Known as, er, rundkarren.
1505
01:11:33,960 --> 01:11:34,959
Yeah.
1506
01:11:35,080 --> 01:11:39,519
And the long features on the surface
are the rillenkarren. Now just...
1507
01:11:39,640 --> 01:11:41,919
Fantastic. It's fascinating stuff.
1508
01:11:42,040 --> 01:11:44,399
- Yeah.
- OK. I'll be on my way. Thanks.
1509
01:11:44,520 --> 01:11:45,679
Righto.
1510
01:11:45,800 --> 01:11:47,319
- Cheerio.
- Bye.
1511
01:11:54,880 --> 01:11:57,759
STEVE: There we are. The York Arms.
1512
01:11:59,600 --> 01:12:02,519
- Wonderful.
- Wow.
1513
01:12:05,240 --> 01:12:07,399
This is your room, sir.
1514
01:12:07,520 --> 01:12:09,079
Oh, beautiful, yeah. That's lovely.
1515
01:12:09,200 --> 01:12:11,239
- The bathroom's just over there.
- Yeah.
1516
01:12:11,360 --> 01:12:13,479
Oak, nice oak.
1517
01:12:13,600 --> 01:12:15,679
If you need anything,
we'll be in reception.
1518
01:12:15,800 --> 01:12:18,439
OK. Can you get phone reception
round here?
1519
01:12:18,560 --> 01:12:22,679
No, I'm sorry. But if you go round the
lake you can...have some reception there.
1520
01:12:22,800 --> 01:12:24,799
- Great, lovely, OK.
- OK.
1521
01:12:25,840 --> 01:12:27,199
(DIALLING TON E)
1522
01:12:27,320 --> 01:12:29,599
- MISCHA: Hello?
- Hey, hey.
1523
01:12:29,720 --> 01:12:30,959
Where have you been?
1524
01:12:31,080 --> 01:12:33,399
I called you four times last night,
you didn't call me back.
1525
01:12:33,520 --> 01:12:35,799
I know, honey. Listen, I'm...
Look...we're...
1526
01:12:35,920 --> 01:12:39,679
I'm...
These restaurants that you picked are...
1527
01:12:39,800 --> 01:12:42,639
great places, but the phone
reception sucks, it's really bad.
1528
01:12:42,760 --> 01:12:44,239
Have you been doing drugs?
1529
01:12:44,360 --> 01:12:46,159
No!
1530
01:12:46,280 --> 01:12:49,719
No, of course not. Look...
If you couldn't get me...
1531
01:12:49,840 --> 01:12:52,239
You know where I am right now?
I'm in a field.
1532
01:12:52,360 --> 01:12:56,239
I mean, it's a very beautiful field,
it's really...gorgeous,
1533
01:12:56,360 --> 01:13:00,199
but, it's...you know, I can't really
enjoy it. I'm with a short, Welsh...
1534
01:13:00,320 --> 01:13:02,799
man who does impressions, it's not fun.
1535
01:13:02,920 --> 01:13:06,559
So are there lots of pretty
Northern waitresses up there?
1536
01:13:07,600 --> 01:13:10,399
No, there's no beautiful
Northern waitresses.
1537
01:13:10,520 --> 01:13:15,039
They're... They're all Spanish or Polish
or...from somewhere.
1538
01:13:15,160 --> 01:13:19,199
Great, so they're beautiful Eastern
European waitresses up there. Perfect.
1539
01:13:19,320 --> 01:13:23,159
Yeah. Well, yeah. Listen, you're
the one who said we were taking a break,
1540
01:13:23,280 --> 01:13:24,919
so, you know, what do you expect?
1541
01:13:25,040 --> 01:13:28,759
Does that mean you've been with
other girls, because we're on a break?
1542
01:13:28,880 --> 01:13:31,799
I wish you were here. I'd rather...
You could have been here with me.
1543
01:13:31,920 --> 01:13:33,759
- Yeah, I know.
- You chose not to be.
1544
01:13:33,880 --> 01:13:37,519
Well, you know where I am.
You can come see me any time.
1545
01:13:37,640 --> 01:13:39,799
Oh, Christ.
1546
01:13:40,840 --> 01:13:43,159
(TARTLY) Look at the time!
Got to go, Steve.
1547
01:13:43,280 --> 01:13:45,159
Hope you get reception again
sometime soon.
1548
01:13:45,280 --> 01:13:47,239
OK. All right, yes, thanks.
Bye, baby. Bye-bye.
1549
01:13:47,360 --> 01:13:49,799
(WEARILY) OK, bye, bye, bye.
1550
01:13:54,480 --> 01:14:02,439
Coh...
1551
01:14:02,560 --> 01:14:04,119
What is that, a sonar?
1552
01:14:05,160 --> 01:14:06,359
- Coh...
- Coh...
1553
01:14:06,480 --> 01:14:07,639
Coh...
1554
01:14:07,760 --> 01:14:09,079
- Coh!
- Coh!
1555
01:14:09,200 --> 01:14:11,239
- Coh! Coh!
- Cch!
1556
01:14:11,360 --> 01:14:13,759
It's got to be, "Coh!"
1557
01:14:13,880 --> 01:14:15,759
- Coh!
- Cchh!
1558
01:14:15,880 --> 01:14:18,959
- Coh! Coh! Coh!
- Ccchhh!
1559
01:14:19,080 --> 01:14:20,759
- Coh!
- Cch!
1560
01:14:20,880 --> 01:14:23,199
- Coh!
- Haaa!
1561
01:14:23,320 --> 01:14:26,719
No, that's sonar. You sound
like a submarine clearing its throat.
1562
01:14:26,840 --> 01:14:28,279
Sound like a Scouse submarine.
1563
01:14:28,400 --> 01:14:29,839
- Coh!
- Haaa!
1564
01:14:29,960 --> 01:14:31,079
Gentlemen, have you...
1565
01:14:31,200 --> 01:14:32,479
- Hello.
- ...decided what you'd like?
1566
01:14:32,600 --> 01:14:34,199
Could I have the...er...
1567
01:14:34,320 --> 01:14:36,119
soufflé to start
and then the lamb, please?
1568
01:14:36,240 --> 01:14:38,479
Of course. And the lamb to follow.
Thank you.
1569
01:14:38,600 --> 01:14:40,199
The tuna followed by the cod, please.
1570
01:14:40,320 --> 01:14:41,839
- And then the cod.
- Yes.
1571
01:14:41,960 --> 01:14:43,919
Lovely, thank you very much.
I'll take those for you.
1572
01:14:44,040 --> 01:14:45,839
- Thank you very much.
- I'll take that for you.
1573
01:14:45,960 --> 01:14:47,239
- OK, thank you.
- Thank you.
1574
01:14:47,360 --> 01:14:50,839
Erm... Yeah, do you know that ABBA song,
that Winner Takes It All?
1575
01:14:50,960 --> 01:14:51,879
Oh, yeah.
1576
01:14:52,000 --> 01:14:56,279
What's painful... The reason that song
has so much pain is because he wrote
1577
01:14:56,400 --> 01:14:59,079
the words for her to sing
1578
01:14:59,200 --> 01:15:03,159
about their break-up, but he wrote
the lyrics from her point of view.
1579
01:15:03,280 --> 01:15:06,559
# I apologise
1580
01:15:06,680 --> 01:15:10,759
# If it makes you feel sad
1581
01:15:10,880 --> 01:15:13,079
# Seeing me so tense
1582
01:15:13,200 --> 01:15:16,159
BOTH: # No self-confidence
1583
01:15:16,280 --> 01:15:18,559
# But you see
1584
01:15:18,680 --> 01:15:20,999
BOTH: # The winner takes it all. #
1585
01:15:21,120 --> 01:15:23,519
It's a bit presumptuous, that he's
1586
01:15:23,640 --> 01:15:25,719
saying that she has
no self-confidence.
1587
01:15:25,840 --> 01:15:26,799
She might say,
1588
01:15:26,920 --> 01:15:28,519
(IN SWEDISH ACCENT) "But wait,
I have plenty of self-confidence,
1589
01:15:28,640 --> 01:15:29,719
"I'm just sad about the breakdown."
1590
01:15:29,840 --> 01:15:33,199
WOMAN: One tuna away, please.
1591
01:15:35,560 --> 01:15:38,159
# I don't want to talk
1592
01:15:38,280 --> 01:15:41,359
BOTH: # About things we've gone through
1593
01:15:41,480 --> 01:15:43,879
- # Though it's hurting... #
- All the Ss are high, like,
1594
01:15:44,000 --> 01:15:45,799
# Though it's hurting me
1595
01:15:45,920 --> 01:15:47,239
# "Hurding"
1596
01:15:47,360 --> 01:15:49,399
- # Now it's history... #
- Hurding.
1597
01:15:49,520 --> 01:15:52,039
Don't make it like
the Chef from the Muppets.
1598
01:15:52,160 --> 01:15:55,199
# Though it's hurding me...
Herde, gerde, gerde... #
1599
01:15:55,320 --> 01:15:56,239
He was Swedish.
1600
01:15:56,360 --> 01:15:58,119
He wasn't in ABBA.
1601
01:15:58,240 --> 01:16:00,599
# Now it's history
1602
01:16:00,720 --> 01:16:02,479
# I played all my cards. #
1603
01:16:02,600 --> 01:16:04,879
Now you sound like the Nazi
from Inglourious Basterds.
1604
01:16:05,000 --> 01:16:05,999
Who I look like?
1605
01:16:06,120 --> 01:16:07,159
Yes.
1606
01:16:07,280 --> 01:16:09,399
# Now it's hurting
I played all my cards. #
1607
01:16:09,520 --> 01:16:10,919
(GERMAN ACCENT) Now it's hurting me
1608
01:16:11,040 --> 01:16:13,039
and now I'm going to kill some Jews
under the floor.
1609
01:16:13,160 --> 01:16:14,679
(MAKES MACHIN E GUN NOISES)
1610
01:16:14,800 --> 01:16:17,559
- That's what you've done, too.
- That's what you've done, too.
1611
01:16:17,680 --> 01:16:20,959
- Erm...
- Ze vinner takes it all, Mr Bond.
1612
01:16:21,080 --> 01:16:24,639
Come, come, Mr Bond,
ze vinner takes it all. (EVIL LAUGH)
1613
01:16:24,760 --> 01:16:28,039
Come, come, Mr Bond, you enjoy playing
all your cards just as much as I do.
1614
01:16:28,160 --> 01:16:32,359
(AS ROGER MOORE) When I play my cards,
I play for Benny and Björn.
1615
01:16:32,480 --> 01:16:34,359
(HE LAUGHS)
1616
01:16:34,480 --> 01:16:35,879
I find the song quite moving.
1617
01:16:48,120 --> 01:16:51,719
That's your roast cod with truffle ravioli
and spiced cauliflower.
1618
01:16:51,840 --> 01:16:53,599
The saddle of Nidderdale lamb
1619
01:16:53,720 --> 01:16:54,839
- with mutton pudding.
- Thank you very much.
1620
01:16:54,960 --> 01:16:56,159
Thank you very much.
1621
01:16:57,200 --> 01:16:58,359
Yeah.
1622
01:16:58,480 --> 01:17:02,239
Hopkins, Sheen, Brydon, Burton.
1623
01:17:02,360 --> 01:17:04,759
The Port Talbot four.
That's what we're known as.
1624
01:17:04,880 --> 01:17:07,639
- Yeah. Really?
- Yeah. Michael Sheen.
1625
01:17:08,840 --> 01:17:14,359
(AS DAVID FROST)
Hello, good evening and welcome.
1626
01:17:14,480 --> 01:17:17,479
We couldn't have done that the way
that Michael does it, let's face it.
1627
01:17:17,600 --> 01:17:19,919
- We could not have played...
- We? We?
1628
01:17:20,040 --> 01:17:22,079
Yeah, we couldn't. We're not the same,
we're...different animals.
1629
01:17:22,200 --> 01:17:24,079
- No.
- We couldn't play those parts.
1630
01:17:24,200 --> 01:17:26,839
You're not the same as him,
I'm more similar to him.
1631
01:17:26,960 --> 01:17:29,199
Well, why don't you do
the sort of roles that he does?
1632
01:17:29,320 --> 01:17:32,439
Because no-one will
give those roles to me.
1633
01:17:32,560 --> 01:17:36,639
I've got an albatross round my neck
and it's got the face of Michael Sheen.
1634
01:17:37,760 --> 01:17:39,039
Do you try for those roles?
1635
01:17:39,160 --> 01:17:40,919
Yeah. And Michael Sheen gets them all.
1636
01:17:41,040 --> 01:17:43,319
Michael Sheen's very good.
But Michael Sheen's always...
1637
01:17:43,440 --> 01:17:46,319
- Brilliant.
- He's not brilliant,
1638
01:17:46,440 --> 01:17:48,199
- he's good, he's solid.
- Oh, no, he is brilliant.
1639
01:17:48,320 --> 01:17:50,759
I'm fucking brilliant!
1640
01:17:50,880 --> 01:17:52,799
Yes, but not in the same way...as...
1641
01:17:52,920 --> 01:17:55,399
Michael Sheen couldn't do what you do.
1642
01:17:55,520 --> 01:17:57,679
Michael Sheen couldn't play
Alan Partridge,
1643
01:17:57,800 --> 01:18:00,239
Michael Sheen couldn't play Pauline Calf.
All right?
1644
01:18:00,360 --> 01:18:03,319
But, equally, you couldn't
play David Frost. Ah?
1645
01:18:03,440 --> 01:18:06,879
I don't believe that you really believe
that I couldn't play David Frost.
1646
01:18:07,000 --> 01:18:08,399
I think you could play it...
1647
01:18:08,520 --> 01:18:10,759
Of course you could play it. I mean,
bloody hell, the waiter could play it.
1648
01:18:10,880 --> 01:18:12,839
- That's the point.
- But how well are you going to play it?
1649
01:18:12,960 --> 01:18:15,039
Very well.
1650
01:18:15,160 --> 01:18:18,759
(AS DAVID FROST)
Hello, good evening and welcome.
1651
01:18:18,880 --> 01:18:22,359
I mean, Michael almost doesn't have
to say the words, he can just go...
1652
01:18:24,640 --> 01:18:26,759
...and you know what he's doing.
1653
01:18:26,880 --> 01:18:29,799
But you're... I don't know...
You were just jutting your chin out,
1654
01:18:29,920 --> 01:18:31,439
I don't know what you were doing.
1655
01:18:31,560 --> 01:18:32,799
Mm, that's me.
1656
01:18:32,920 --> 01:18:36,519
If Michael did it, people would go,
"Fucking hell, it's David Frost."
1657
01:18:36,640 --> 01:18:39,199
Well...you know, I got down
to the last two for Peter Sellers.
1658
01:18:39,320 --> 01:18:42,959
Yes, you did. And on that count,
as I've told you many times before,
1659
01:18:43,080 --> 01:18:45,079
you would have been
better than Geoffrey Rush.
1660
01:18:45,200 --> 01:18:47,999
You know I was actually in that film,
have I told you this?
1661
01:18:48,120 --> 01:18:49,959
- No.
- I played Dustin Hoffman, seriously.
1662
01:18:50,080 --> 01:18:51,239
Oh, yes, when he got his Oscar.
1663
01:18:51,360 --> 01:18:53,719
Yeah. (AS HOFFMAN) I had to do a speech
as Dustin Hoffman.
1664
01:18:53,840 --> 01:18:54,919
- Really?
- Yeah.
1665
01:18:55,040 --> 01:18:57,159
He says... (NORMAL VOICE)
And I learnt this, right?
1666
01:18:57,280 --> 01:19:00,519
(AS HOFFMAN) "I refuse to accept
that I'm better than Jack Lemmon,
1667
01:19:00,640 --> 01:19:02,999
"than Peter Sellers, than..."
1668
01:19:03,120 --> 01:19:05,399
- whoever else the other one was.
- He could have turned down the award.
1669
01:19:05,520 --> 01:19:08,279
He could have turned down
the Oscar if he refused to accept.
1670
01:19:08,400 --> 01:19:09,719
Yeah, all right, that's not the point.
1671
01:19:09,840 --> 01:19:12,079
I'm just saying that I was in it
and I got cut out.
1672
01:19:13,640 --> 01:19:15,839
WOMAN: Can you just wipe...?
1673
01:19:17,560 --> 01:19:19,759
Oh, wow, thank you very much.
Look at that.
1674
01:19:19,880 --> 01:19:21,999
It's a chocolate inverted comma.
1675
01:19:22,120 --> 01:19:23,679
You've got an ironic dessert.
1676
01:19:23,800 --> 01:19:26,559
Thank you. You've got your
apple Breton with lemon sorbet
1677
01:19:26,680 --> 01:19:29,079
and croque monsieur,
and your chocolate dessert,
1678
01:19:29,200 --> 01:19:31,639
it's a warm chocolate fondant,
chocolate tier, chocolate Neapolitan
1679
01:19:31,760 --> 01:19:33,359
and a chocolate and caramel tart.
1680
01:19:33,480 --> 01:19:36,079
- Thank you very much indeed.
- Could you have any more chocolate?!
1681
01:19:36,200 --> 01:19:38,239
- Do you want some of that?
- Yeah, OK, yeah.
1682
01:19:39,600 --> 01:19:42,239
- Good, isn't it?
- I'm sure people think we're gay.
1683
01:19:42,360 --> 01:19:45,479
- Well, I don't care.
- No, I don't either, I don't care.
1684
01:19:47,440 --> 01:19:50,119
(AS SMALL MAN IN A BOX) I don't know where
you are, somebody get me out of here.
1685
01:19:50,240 --> 01:19:52,239
Who'd have thought that
would catch on, eh?
1686
01:19:52,360 --> 01:19:53,999
Got an iPhone app with that on it now.
1687
01:19:54,120 --> 01:19:55,199
Really?
1688
01:19:55,320 --> 01:19:56,839
Mm, haven't launched it,
I'm about to launch it.
1689
01:19:56,960 --> 01:19:58,519
About to launch an iPhone app
with your Small Man In A Box?
1690
01:19:58,640 --> 01:19:59,999
Yeah, Rob Brydon's Small Man In A Box.
1691
01:20:00,120 --> 01:20:02,679
(SIGHS) I don't...
I'm not a good businessman.
1692
01:20:02,800 --> 01:20:06,039
I'm an artist, I'm cursed to be...
flawed in my business ventures, but...
1693
01:20:07,160 --> 01:20:09,999
(AS WOODY ALLEN) Gotta tell you
that the food here is terrible
1694
01:20:10,120 --> 01:20:11,599
and...and such small portions.
1695
01:20:11,720 --> 01:20:13,959
(AS ALLEN) It's...
1696
01:20:14,080 --> 01:20:16,319
Sex without love is an empty experience,
1697
01:20:16,440 --> 01:20:19,959
but...as empty experiences go it's...
one of the best.
1698
01:20:20,080 --> 01:20:23,319
Yeah, sex between two people
is a wonderful thing -
1699
01:20:23,440 --> 01:20:24,999
between three, it's terrific.
1700
01:20:25,120 --> 01:20:28,839
No, really, I...I enjoyed making love
last night,
1701
01:20:28,960 --> 01:20:32,439
it was the most fun I've...
I've had without laughing.
1702
01:20:32,560 --> 01:20:37,119
You know, they told me my...told me
my ex-wife...was violated in the street,
1703
01:20:37,240 --> 01:20:42,319
I said, "Knowing my ex-wife,
it was probably not a moving violation."
1704
01:20:43,600 --> 01:20:45,199
(RING TON E)
1705
01:20:45,320 --> 01:20:46,919
- Hello?
- Hey, Joe, it's Dad.
1706
01:20:47,040 --> 01:20:49,119
Yeah, I know - your name
comes up on the screen.
1707
01:20:49,240 --> 01:20:50,439
Oh, that's good.
1708
01:20:50,560 --> 01:20:52,159
Going to cut to the chase.
1709
01:20:52,280 --> 01:20:55,719
I spoke to your...mum, she told me
what happened the other night.
1710
01:20:55,840 --> 01:20:57,519
I... I was just with some friends,
1711
01:20:57,640 --> 01:20:59,919
you know, it was only a drink,
just...having a bit of fun.
1712
01:21:00,040 --> 01:21:01,839
Y-You can't... You can't do that.
1713
01:21:01,960 --> 01:21:05,719
If you work hard and, you know, you...
1714
01:21:05,840 --> 01:21:07,639
then you can always...
1715
01:21:07,760 --> 01:21:11,039
you can always, um, you know,
enjoy yourself at the weekend.
1716
01:21:11,160 --> 01:21:15,119
But you've got to rein it in during
the week. You have to, all right?
1717
01:21:15,240 --> 01:21:17,759
OK. How's the trip?
1718
01:21:19,200 --> 01:21:21,959
Er... It's, um... It's good,
1719
01:21:22,080 --> 01:21:24,239
you know, it's...it's...it's...
1720
01:21:24,360 --> 01:21:26,319
it's kind of enjoyable.
1721
01:21:26,440 --> 01:21:29,199
Rob's been, you know,
a bit of a pain in the arse,
1722
01:21:29,320 --> 01:21:31,719
but, er...I tolerate him.
1723
01:21:31,840 --> 01:21:33,119
How long have you known him?
1724
01:21:34,320 --> 01:21:37,959
Rob? Er... 1 1 years,
something like that.
1725
01:21:38,080 --> 01:21:40,479
It's amazing.
1726
01:21:40,600 --> 01:21:42,919
- Is it?
- Yeah, such a long time.
1727
01:21:44,080 --> 01:21:45,239
Yes, er...
1728
01:21:46,720 --> 01:21:48,439
Yeah, yeah, I suppose it is. He's a...
1729
01:21:48,560 --> 01:21:50,119
Yeah, he's a...
1730
01:21:50,240 --> 01:21:53,519
Yeah, he's, um...
Yeah, he's a good friend.
1731
01:21:54,680 --> 01:21:56,079
Yeah, I miss you.
1732
01:21:56,200 --> 01:21:57,399
Yeah, I miss you, too.
1733
01:21:58,480 --> 01:22:01,319
OK, listen, I'll...I'll be back soon
1734
01:22:01,440 --> 01:22:04,559
and we'll...we'll have
some fun time together.
1735
01:22:04,680 --> 01:22:07,479
- Yeah.
- Constructive fun time, all right?
1736
01:22:07,600 --> 01:22:10,079
- Yeah.
- (CHUCKLES) All right, listen, erm...
1737
01:22:10,200 --> 01:22:11,599
love you, take care...
1738
01:22:11,720 --> 01:22:13,599
- Yeah.
- ...and, er...behave.
1739
01:22:13,720 --> 01:22:14,919
- Yeah. Yeah.
- All right, mate.
1740
01:22:15,040 --> 01:22:16,119
- See ya.
- See ya.
1741
01:22:29,520 --> 01:22:31,679
ROB: I am once again...er...
1742
01:22:31,800 --> 01:22:32,879
bottomless.
1743
01:22:33,000 --> 01:22:34,719
SALLY: Don't you ever get cold,
being bottomless?
1744
01:22:34,840 --> 01:22:38,119
No, no, I don't, I think of you
and I...I just let him free.
1745
01:22:38,240 --> 01:22:41,599
I let...let him off the lead, as it were,
let him run round the car park,
1746
01:22:41,720 --> 01:22:43,919
in the hope that he sniffs up
something interesting.
1747
01:22:44,040 --> 01:22:47,679
He's under there now, there's only
a kind of candlewick bedspread between...
1748
01:22:47,800 --> 01:22:50,719
Oh, candlewick bedspread,
that's not very sexy!
1749
01:22:50,840 --> 01:22:54,119
Well, there's a phone resting on him
as well, so if the phone begins
1750
01:22:54,240 --> 01:22:57,199
to move, I'll know that you're, er...
weaving your magic, as it were.
1751
01:22:57,320 --> 01:22:58,239
(CHUCKLES)
1752
01:22:58,360 --> 01:22:59,599
Oh, help me,
1753
01:22:59,720 --> 01:23:01,999
I'm a small man stuck in a box!
1754
01:23:03,560 --> 01:23:06,199
Come! Help!
1755
01:23:06,320 --> 01:23:07,879
I'm trapped in a box!
1756
01:23:10,400 --> 01:23:12,439
I'm trapped in my box.
1757
01:23:12,560 --> 01:23:15,159
I'm trapped in a box.
1758
01:23:15,280 --> 01:23:17,759
Oh, help me, I'm trapped in a box.
1759
01:23:19,160 --> 01:23:21,639
Help me, I'm a small man...
1760
01:23:21,760 --> 01:23:24,519
Help me, I'm a small man
stuck in a box, stuck in a box.
1761
01:23:24,640 --> 01:23:27,639
I'm a small man stuck in a box. What
you doing? What's... What's happening?
1762
01:23:27,760 --> 01:23:29,279
What's happening?
1763
01:23:29,400 --> 01:23:31,279
I'm a small man stuck in a box.
1764
01:23:34,040 --> 01:23:36,839
(IN CARTOON VOICE) I don't care
about silly voices.
1765
01:23:38,560 --> 01:23:40,159
They're stupid.
1766
01:23:48,400 --> 01:23:49,799
ROB: Why are we going so early?
1767
01:23:49,920 --> 01:23:53,119
Erm, because I want to take in
Bolton Abbey,
1768
01:23:53,240 --> 01:23:55,679
and then quickly say hi to my parents.
1769
01:23:55,800 --> 01:23:57,559
You don't mind...?
Do you mind coming to say hi?
1770
01:23:57,680 --> 01:23:58,799
- Physically?
- Yes.
1771
01:23:58,920 --> 01:23:59,879
Actually visit them?
1772
01:24:00,000 --> 01:24:02,239
- Well, I can't leave you in the car!
- You could bring me
1773
01:24:02,360 --> 01:24:04,079
a lemonade and a packet of crisps.
1774
01:24:05,640 --> 01:24:08,279
Leave the window like that
so I don't get too hot.
1775
01:24:08,400 --> 01:24:10,719
And we, and we can come...
I'll bring my parents out to look at you
1776
01:24:10,840 --> 01:24:12,719
and your nose is through the gap
like that!
1777
01:24:12,840 --> 01:24:16,039
You say, "I would bring him in,
but he might make a mess."
1778
01:24:20,520 --> 01:24:23,839
"From Bolton's old monastic tower
1779
01:24:23,960 --> 01:24:26,999
"The bells ring loud with gladsome power
1780
01:24:27,120 --> 01:24:30,199
"The sun shines bright, the fields are gay
1781
01:24:30,320 --> 01:24:33,079
"With people in their best array
1782
01:24:33,200 --> 01:24:36,319
"Of stole and doublet, hood and scarf
1783
01:24:36,440 --> 01:24:39,119
"Along the banks of Crystal Wharf
1784
01:24:39,240 --> 01:24:42,839
"And thus in joyous mood they hie
1785
01:24:42,960 --> 01:24:46,759
"To Bolton's mouldering priory!"
1786
01:24:48,000 --> 01:24:50,879
Sir Ian McKellen...
Come! We shall walk together.
1787
01:24:51,000 --> 01:24:53,159
Is that why you went to bed early
last night,
1788
01:24:53,280 --> 01:24:55,719
- so you could learn that poem?
- Yes!
1789
01:24:55,840 --> 01:24:57,079
Mission accomplished !
1790
01:24:57,200 --> 01:24:58,959
I don't know why you quote...
1791
01:24:59,080 --> 01:25:01,399
You weren't interested in Wordsworth
before we went on this trip!
1792
01:25:01,520 --> 01:25:03,799
Or Bolton Abbey!
Going on about Bolton Abbey.
1793
01:25:03,920 --> 01:25:05,959
- This is lovely. This is fantastic.
- I know it is.
1794
01:25:06,080 --> 01:25:08,399
Why'd you have to do it in Ian McKellen's
voice? It was a lovely poem -
1795
01:25:08,520 --> 01:25:10,319
what would have been really nice
is if you'd got up this morning,
1796
01:25:10,440 --> 01:25:12,199
if you'd learnt that poem,
which I appreciate,
1797
01:25:12,320 --> 01:25:14,359
even though
it was meant to intimidate me,
1798
01:25:14,480 --> 01:25:16,559
if you'd got up this morning
and said the poem in your own voice
1799
01:25:16,680 --> 01:25:18,319
and meant the words.
1800
01:25:18,440 --> 01:25:20,359
I chose a voice to suit the mood.
1801
01:25:20,480 --> 01:25:23,079
I felt Sir Ian, coming
as he does from Bolton,
1802
01:25:23,200 --> 01:25:24,519
would be perfectly suited.
1803
01:25:24,640 --> 01:25:26,119
It's a different Bolton, Rob.
1804
01:25:26,240 --> 01:25:28,119
Yeah, all right. It's the same word !
1805
01:25:28,240 --> 01:25:30,519
I thought he'd be
perfectly suited for here.
1806
01:25:30,640 --> 01:25:31,759
And it is incredible.
1807
01:25:31,880 --> 01:25:33,839
I mean, look - that is incredible.
1808
01:25:33,960 --> 01:25:34,999
(STEVE SIGHS)
1809
01:25:35,120 --> 01:25:37,439
- I'm standing on a grave. Sorry.
- Yeah.
1810
01:25:37,560 --> 01:25:40,479
ROB: Will you be buried,
or will you be cremated?
1811
01:25:40,600 --> 01:25:42,239
I think I would...
1812
01:25:42,360 --> 01:25:46,119
I would like to be buried so that
I have a headstone like Elvis.
1813
01:25:46,240 --> 01:25:47,839
- Mm-hm.
- But...
1814
01:25:47,960 --> 01:25:49,839
I think that when you have a headstone
1815
01:25:49,960 --> 01:25:53,639
and you're in a place, it puts
great pressure on your family,
1816
01:25:53,760 --> 01:25:55,679
the surviving family, to visit you.
1817
01:25:55,800 --> 01:25:58,039
I'd be happy if you... If you...
1818
01:25:58,160 --> 01:25:59,719
You know, I'm happy with either.
1819
01:25:59,840 --> 01:26:02,599
If they buried you or cremated you,
1820
01:26:02,720 --> 01:26:05,119
they would both suit me fine.
1821
01:26:06,360 --> 01:26:08,879
Would you come to my funeral?
Would you turn up, do you think?
1822
01:26:09,000 --> 01:26:09,919
Of course I would !
1823
01:26:10,040 --> 01:26:10,959
- Would you?
- Yeah!
1824
01:26:11,080 --> 01:26:13,279
If only to pad out the numbers, you know!
1825
01:26:13,400 --> 01:26:17,799
You know when... You know when, um...
when someone dies and they go to
1826
01:26:17,920 --> 01:26:20,159
the funeral and they say, you know,
1827
01:26:20,280 --> 01:26:23,039
"We should have done this when he was
alive! He would have loved this!"?
1828
01:26:23,160 --> 01:26:25,719
- Mmm. What, cremated him?!
- Hear what people say...
1829
01:26:27,440 --> 01:26:30,599
- No! You know, hearing...the eulogies.
- That's what I'll say at your funeral.
1830
01:26:30,720 --> 01:26:33,239
"We should have done this when
he was alive! Cremated him!
1831
01:26:33,360 --> 01:26:34,839
"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"
1832
01:26:34,960 --> 01:26:37,999
No riposte from you, cos you're dead.
1833
01:26:38,120 --> 01:26:40,079
(AS MAN IN A BOX) I don't think
you should say that!
1834
01:26:40,200 --> 01:26:41,759
You really shouldn't have!
In the box.
1835
01:26:41,880 --> 01:26:44,719
Thing is, you wouldn't be able to come
back with your man in a box,
1836
01:26:44,840 --> 01:26:47,959
even though it would be fantastic
if you had, cos you'd be in a coffin,
1837
01:26:48,080 --> 01:26:50,039
it would've been the perfect place
to do it,
1838
01:26:50,160 --> 01:26:52,319
- but you wouldn't be able to do it...
- I would literally be a man in a box.
1839
01:26:52,440 --> 01:26:53,959
I know, it would have been great.
1840
01:26:54,080 --> 01:26:55,999
But I'll be safe in the knowledge
that I'll go,
1841
01:26:56,120 --> 01:26:58,199
"Great, I can do that and he won't come
back with his man in a box,
1842
01:26:58,320 --> 01:27:02,239
"which would have been brilliant,
but he can't, cos he's brown bread !"
1843
01:27:02,360 --> 01:27:05,039
I'd be there. I'd be there.
I'd be at your funeral.
1844
01:27:05,160 --> 01:27:10,239
"And now, from one of Rob's
very closest friends.
1845
01:27:10,360 --> 01:27:13,679
"You'll know him, of course,
as TV's Alan Partridge.
1846
01:27:13,800 --> 01:27:15,559
"And he has asked specifically
1847
01:27:15,680 --> 01:27:18,319
"to come up and take 2 5, 30 minutes
1848
01:27:18,440 --> 01:27:22,119
"to talk about his friend Rob.
1849
01:27:22,240 --> 01:27:23,519
"Ladies and gentlemen..."
1850
01:27:23,640 --> 01:27:24,599
Shush!
1851
01:27:24,720 --> 01:27:26,919
"...Steve Coogan."
1852
01:27:27,040 --> 01:27:28,759
"Oh, you may also know Steve
1853
01:27:28,880 --> 01:27:30,919
"from some of his very good
art-house films
1854
01:27:31,040 --> 01:27:33,079
"that have been very well reviewed
by some of the broadsheet newspapers.
1855
01:27:33,200 --> 01:27:34,239
"Steve Coogan."
1856
01:27:36,840 --> 01:27:38,639
Thanks. Thank you.
1857
01:27:38,760 --> 01:27:40,479
"A-ha!" Somebody will shout that out,
1858
01:27:40,600 --> 01:27:42,839
one of my Welsh relatives.
1859
01:27:42,960 --> 01:27:45,079
"Yes, yes...
1860
01:27:45,200 --> 01:27:46,359
"Alan Partridge.
1861
01:27:47,800 --> 01:27:50,359
"Very much alive compared with,
1862
01:27:50,480 --> 01:27:54,519
"with our good departed friend Rob Brydon.
1863
01:27:54,640 --> 01:27:58,279
"Rob was an interesting guy.
1864
01:27:58,400 --> 01:28:01,519
"Very funny, very entertaining, and...
1865
01:28:01,640 --> 01:28:03,639
"and yet at the same time,
1866
01:28:03,760 --> 01:28:05,199
"there was something...
1867
01:28:05,320 --> 01:28:08,719
"that... Although he made me laugh -
and made us all laugh, I think -
1868
01:28:08,840 --> 01:28:11,919
"there was something about him
that was lost, something about him
1869
01:28:12,040 --> 01:28:13,879
"that seemed...
1870
01:28:14,000 --> 01:28:18,359
"unable to...
to confront the reality of life.
1871
01:28:18,480 --> 01:28:23,239
"And so, when I think of Rob,
I...I think of him with both
1872
01:28:23,360 --> 01:28:27,559
"a smile at some of the funny, pithy
one-liners he would come out with
1873
01:28:27,680 --> 01:28:29,999
"on Radio 4 panel shows,
1874
01:28:30,120 --> 01:28:32,439
"but also for...
1875
01:28:32,560 --> 01:28:34,119
"the man inside,
1876
01:28:34,240 --> 01:28:37,799
"because behind every little pithy,
1877
01:28:37,920 --> 01:28:40,399
"vaguely amusing joke
1878
01:28:40,520 --> 01:28:42,519
"is a cry for help."
1879
01:28:45,200 --> 01:28:47,039
- "But let's not remember him..."
- Not going to finish there, are you?
1880
01:28:47,160 --> 01:28:49,959
- Um... I won't finish there, no!
- Jesus Christ!
1881
01:28:50,080 --> 01:28:54,199
"B-But, but...but, of course,
1882
01:28:54,320 --> 01:28:56,399
"let's not remember a man
1883
01:28:56,520 --> 01:29:00,359
"who was lost desperately trying
to legitimise his life
1884
01:29:00,480 --> 01:29:04,799
"by doing silly voices constantly and not
confronting the truth, let's remember
1885
01:29:04,920 --> 01:29:06,519
- "the other side of Rob."
- The entertainer.
1886
01:29:06,640 --> 01:29:08,279
"The Rob Brydon, the entertainer."
1887
01:29:08,400 --> 01:29:12,079
- Yes. Yes.
- "The Rob Brydon who gave some levity...
1888
01:29:12,200 --> 01:29:15,959
- Yes.
- "...to our life and helped us avoid
1889
01:29:16,080 --> 01:29:18,399
"confronting the harsh realities,
1890
01:29:18,520 --> 01:29:22,359
"and helped us avoid looking at
the brutal reality of what life is..."
1891
01:29:22,480 --> 01:29:24,399
All right, talk about some
of the characters!
1892
01:29:24,520 --> 01:29:26,879
OK! Some of the characters...
1893
01:29:27,000 --> 01:29:29,199
"Who can forget his Tom Jones impression?"
1894
01:29:29,320 --> 01:29:31,759
- (CHUCKLES)
- "Who can forget that?"
1895
01:29:31,880 --> 01:29:34,159
(AS JON ES) "Think I'd better die now."
1896
01:29:34,280 --> 01:29:35,839
You could say that!
1897
01:29:35,960 --> 01:29:37,599
Yes.
# Huh, think I'd better die now! #
1898
01:29:37,720 --> 01:29:38,999
- That's good.
- Yeah, I know.
1899
01:29:39,120 --> 01:29:41,719
I'll take over when you're dead.
There'll be plenty of...
1900
01:29:41,840 --> 01:29:45,199
I'll do plenty of Tom Jones when you're
dead ! Don't worry about that. Pfff!
1901
01:29:47,160 --> 01:29:48,679
- Ah, why, thank you !
- Ah, you're welcome.
1902
01:29:48,800 --> 01:29:51,079
- I'm, er...
- But there'll be affection there.
1903
01:29:51,200 --> 01:29:54,919
I'd... I wouldn't... I would
never stick the knife in.
1904
01:29:55,040 --> 01:29:56,919
I might just, like, tickle you
with a knife.
1905
01:29:57,040 --> 01:29:58,239
That's all good sport!
1906
01:29:58,360 --> 01:29:59,519
- Exactly!
- Good sport.
1907
01:29:59,640 --> 01:30:01,399
Should it go the other way...
1908
01:30:01,520 --> 01:30:03,719
It's OK. I'm not asking you to do that.
1909
01:30:03,840 --> 01:30:06,599
Let's... Let's... Let's move on. Come on.
What's over here...?
1910
01:30:08,360 --> 01:30:10,519
- No, I'm just saying if it did...
- Yeah, that's all right.
1911
01:30:10,640 --> 01:30:12,159
- I would be...
- It's OK, I don't need to know.
1912
01:30:12,280 --> 01:30:13,639
I'd rather that it be a mystery.
1913
01:30:17,840 --> 01:30:19,079
ROB: Whoa, don't run it!
1914
01:30:19,200 --> 01:30:20,839
- What?!
- Don't run!
1915
01:30:20,960 --> 01:30:22,759
- Why?
- There'll be moss!
1916
01:30:22,880 --> 01:30:24,279
Fucking hell!
1917
01:30:24,400 --> 01:30:26,319
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
1918
01:30:26,440 --> 01:30:29,119
You've got stuck halfway
1919
01:30:29,240 --> 01:30:31,079
towards your destination!
1920
01:30:31,200 --> 01:30:34,719
- You're stuck in a metaphor!
- I'm not!
1921
01:30:36,720 --> 01:30:38,959
You'll ne... Ooh! Ooh!
1922
01:30:42,520 --> 01:30:43,999
Oh, fuck! Fuck!
1923
01:30:44,120 --> 01:30:45,199
Ah!
1924
01:30:45,320 --> 01:30:46,319
Ah...
1925
01:30:48,120 --> 01:30:50,559
- Fuck!
- It's a metaphor!
1926
01:30:50,680 --> 01:30:53,319
It's not a metaphor!
1927
01:30:53,440 --> 01:30:57,279
Fuck!
1928
01:30:58,680 --> 01:31:00,519
ROB: You looked at home in the water.
1929
01:31:00,640 --> 01:31:04,199
I could see you perhaps branching out
into more action roles.
1930
01:31:04,320 --> 01:31:07,599
(KITCHEN CLATTER)
1931
01:31:16,000 --> 01:31:18,199
How come you've left your black pudding?
1932
01:31:18,320 --> 01:31:20,679
I don't dislike it, but I'm never...
I'm never sure about it.
1933
01:31:20,800 --> 01:31:23,479
I... I just naturally don't go to it.
1934
01:31:23,600 --> 01:31:25,759
It's cos there's a risk involved.
It's a taboo.
1935
01:31:27,080 --> 01:31:28,159
Mmm.
1936
01:31:28,280 --> 01:31:29,999
Mmm! Mwah-ha-ha!
1937
01:31:30,120 --> 01:31:32,239
This is just... Mm!
1938
01:31:32,360 --> 01:31:34,359
Really...
1939
01:31:34,480 --> 01:31:35,879
glorious!
1940
01:31:37,080 --> 01:31:40,319
A sunny day in England
with a fried breakfast.
1941
01:31:40,440 --> 01:31:42,039
It doesn't get much better.
1942
01:31:42,160 --> 01:31:44,719
This is nice. But if I'm being
very honest with you,
1943
01:31:44,840 --> 01:31:46,679
I'm looking forward to being home now.
1944
01:31:46,800 --> 01:31:47,879
Mate, you and me both!
1945
01:31:48,000 --> 01:31:52,239
I just... The most important thing
to me is that I have...
1946
01:31:52,360 --> 01:31:54,359
- that my children are healthy...
- Oh, yeah, I mean...
1947
01:31:54,480 --> 01:31:56,159
...that I'm healthy,
so I can be there for them.
1948
01:31:56,280 --> 01:31:59,039
That's more important than any work,
any award...
1949
01:31:59,160 --> 01:32:01,399
And puts everything in perspective.
1950
01:32:01,520 --> 01:32:03,639
I dare say you'd throw away
all your awards if...
1951
01:32:03,760 --> 01:32:04,839
I'd throw them in a river!
1952
01:32:04,960 --> 01:32:07,759
...if you could exchange them for knowing
your children will live a happy long life.
1953
01:32:07,880 --> 01:32:11,559
I would happily throw all my awards
in a river.
1954
01:32:13,000 --> 01:32:14,079
Not the sea.
1955
01:32:14,200 --> 01:32:15,359
Corrosion.
1956
01:32:15,480 --> 01:32:17,159
No, they're going to corrode,
but if I threw them in a river,
1957
01:32:17,280 --> 01:32:18,879
if push came to shove,
1958
01:32:19,000 --> 01:32:22,959
I could hire a team
of scuba divers to retrieve them.
1959
01:32:23,080 --> 01:32:25,839
But, you know, the gesture's
the important thing.
1960
01:32:25,960 --> 01:32:27,239
Family's more important.
1961
01:32:27,360 --> 01:32:29,679
No, family's more important.
Of course it is.
1962
01:32:29,800 --> 01:32:32,399
If it was a choice between winning
an award and my child
1963
01:32:32,520 --> 01:32:33,879
being healthy...
1964
01:32:34,000 --> 01:32:36,159
- Yeah.
- I would absolutely, you know,
1965
01:32:36,280 --> 01:32:38,399
- throw them all.
- Yeah. Other way around. What if...
1966
01:32:40,080 --> 01:32:44,159
If you were to allow your child
to have an illness, right,
1967
01:32:44,280 --> 01:32:45,879
you could win...
1968
01:32:46,000 --> 01:32:48,279
say, a BAFTA, you could have
a film BAFTA if...
1969
01:32:48,400 --> 01:32:49,319
No, of course not!
1970
01:32:49,440 --> 01:32:51,559
An illness the child would recover from
but would have some discomfort.
1971
01:32:51,680 --> 01:32:52,799
- No!
- No?
1972
01:32:52,920 --> 01:32:54,599
That's a disgusting idea!
1973
01:32:54,720 --> 01:32:58,839
Let me up the stakes.
Oscar, Best Actor.
1974
01:32:58,960 --> 01:33:01,959
- Eh? Best Actor, Steve Coogan?
- What, to have an ill child?
1975
01:33:02,080 --> 01:33:04,079
Of course not!
Well, well, hang on, well...
1976
01:33:04,200 --> 01:33:05,959
- Not a... Not...
- What kind of illness?
1977
01:33:07,600 --> 01:33:09,119
Appendicitis.
1978
01:33:09,240 --> 01:33:10,719
What, you mean...
1979
01:33:10,840 --> 01:33:14,119
So they get, "Oh, my stomach!
Oh, my stomach's really hurting !
1980
01:33:14,240 --> 01:33:15,879
"Where's Dad?"
"Oh, he's on location."
1981
01:33:16,000 --> 01:33:18,079
"It's really hurting.
Really hurting. Argh!"
1982
01:33:18,200 --> 01:33:21,359
Doctor comes in, off to hospital,
bang, bang, "Oh, I'm weak,"
1983
01:33:21,480 --> 01:33:23,959
then they're better. Meanwhile,
1984
01:33:24,080 --> 01:33:26,919
"Academy Award Winner,
Steve Coogan..."
1985
01:33:32,280 --> 01:33:33,759
Mm?
1986
01:33:36,280 --> 01:33:38,399
Ahh, now we...now we glimpse the real man.
1987
01:33:38,520 --> 01:33:41,359
What do you mean?
I'm just thinking it through!
1988
01:33:43,520 --> 01:33:46,959
I think the answer's probably
I still wouldn't, probably.
1989
01:33:51,400 --> 01:33:54,519
(THEY HUM MUSIC FROM HOVIS ADVERT)
1990
01:33:54,640 --> 01:33:58,839
(# DVORAK: Symphony No. 9
"From The New World")
1991
01:34:08,840 --> 01:34:10,599
Very nice.
1992
01:34:10,720 --> 01:34:13,079
Yeah, it's a lovely...a lovely
place to grow up, you know.
1993
01:34:18,760 --> 01:34:20,359
- Hello, hello!
- Hiya.
1994
01:34:20,480 --> 01:34:24,359
- Hello! Nice to see you !
- Yeah, nice to see you. Hello!
1995
01:34:24,480 --> 01:34:25,959
- This is Rob. This is me mum.
- Hello.
1996
01:34:26,080 --> 01:34:27,479
- Hello, Rob!
- Lovely to meet you. Thank you very much.
1997
01:34:27,600 --> 01:34:28,559
Molly.
1998
01:34:28,680 --> 01:34:30,399
Nice to see you.
1999
01:34:30,520 --> 01:34:32,519
Oh, what a lovely house!
Hello!
2000
01:34:32,640 --> 01:34:35,039
- This is Bernard, me dad.
- Nice to meet you.
2001
01:34:35,160 --> 01:34:36,959
- This is Rob, Rob Brydon.
- Hello, Bernard.
2002
01:34:37,080 --> 01:34:38,599
I was just saying what a lovely house
it is.
2003
01:34:38,720 --> 01:34:39,719
Rob Brydon off the telly.
2004
01:34:39,840 --> 01:34:42,959
There he is, straightaway, look.
Hall of fame.
2005
01:34:43,080 --> 01:34:45,439
- Yeah.
- Oh, and a daughter!
2006
01:34:45,560 --> 01:34:47,559
- She's a bonny lass!
- That's not a daughter,
2007
01:34:47,680 --> 01:34:49,319
that's our Steven!
2008
01:34:49,440 --> 01:34:50,799
He's just trying to be funny, Dad.
2009
01:34:50,920 --> 01:34:52,119
Making a joke, yeah.
2010
01:34:52,240 --> 01:34:55,279
- Well, he is funny, isn't he?
- Well, on occasions!
2011
01:34:55,400 --> 01:34:57,679
- I'll go and make the tea.
- Oh, thank you very much.
2012
01:34:57,800 --> 01:34:59,079
Thank you. Ah, this is great.
2013
01:34:59,200 --> 01:35:01,759
- Come on, come on through into...
- Oh, conservatory!
2014
01:35:01,880 --> 01:35:03,479
Into the garden. No, not the conservatory.
2015
01:35:03,600 --> 01:35:06,359
- Oh, lovely.
- Oh, no politics, thank you !
2016
01:35:10,000 --> 01:35:12,119
Right, here we are,
2017
01:35:12,240 --> 01:35:14,279
- tea for the troops!
- Lovely.
2018
01:35:14,400 --> 01:35:15,719
- OK!
- Thank you.
2019
01:35:15,840 --> 01:35:17,999
(AS HUGH GRANT)
This really is excellent.
2020
01:35:18,120 --> 01:35:19,999
Crikey, crikey, gosh, this is...
I-I mean, I...
2021
01:35:20,120 --> 01:35:23,079
I've been to four weddings
and a funeral recently
2022
01:35:23,200 --> 01:35:26,519
and not had, gosh, quite...
quite such a substantial brew.
2023
01:35:26,640 --> 01:35:27,839
STEVE: Oh, dear...
2024
01:35:27,960 --> 01:35:30,119
That's how you started, didn't you, Steve,
with impressions?
2025
01:35:30,240 --> 01:35:31,199
It is, yeah, yeah.
2026
01:35:31,320 --> 01:35:33,279
- Moved on now?
- Mm!
2027
01:35:33,400 --> 01:35:35,799
Well, you know, quit while you're ahead.
You know.
2028
01:35:35,920 --> 01:35:38,279
It was a shock to all of us
when he started performing.
2029
01:35:38,400 --> 01:35:40,919
We thought it would be Deborah
or Martin, you know.
2030
01:35:41,040 --> 01:35:43,239
- Really?
- They were always the funny ones.
2031
01:35:43,360 --> 01:35:44,639
You were always the quiet one,
weren't you?
2032
01:35:44,760 --> 01:35:47,119
Well, I was in my own little world,
you know, sort of...
2033
01:35:47,240 --> 01:35:49,039
Escape... I was a daydreamer.
2034
01:35:49,160 --> 01:35:53,639
(AS WOODY ALLEN) I used to daydream
constantly as a kid growing up in New York
2035
01:35:53,760 --> 01:35:57,359
and I...I never thought, you know,
I'd ever become a great comedian.
2036
01:35:57,480 --> 01:35:59,879
You know, I just never figured
I would, you know, and...
2037
01:36:00,000 --> 01:36:03,639
(AS SEAN CON N ERY) Whereas I,
when I was growing up in Edinburgh,
2038
01:36:03,760 --> 01:36:08,079
before I became Commander James Bond,
for me, I was quite withdrawn also.
2039
01:36:08,200 --> 01:36:11,159
(AS MICHAEL CAIN E) I, on the other hand,
grew up in the East End of London,
2040
01:36:11,280 --> 01:36:14,119
and all I ever wanted to do
was blow the bloody doors off!
2041
01:36:14,240 --> 01:36:15,839
I've had to put up with this all week.
2042
01:36:15,960 --> 01:36:18,399
Must be exhausting,
keeping all this going all the time.
2043
01:36:18,520 --> 01:36:20,239
- Ah, not really.
- Exhausting for everyone.
2044
01:36:20,360 --> 01:36:21,919
Listen, why don't you stop for lunch?
2045
01:36:22,040 --> 01:36:23,319
MOLLY: Yes, that would be lovely.
2046
01:36:23,440 --> 01:36:26,479
Well, no, we should...we should push on,
really. Yeah.
2047
01:36:26,600 --> 01:36:28,159
BERNARD: What route are you taking?
2048
01:36:28,280 --> 01:36:30,359
Um, the...
Well, I'm getting on the ring...
2049
01:36:30,480 --> 01:36:35,279
The M60, er, clockwise
and then on the M56, M6.
2050
01:36:36,560 --> 01:36:38,439
- You want to watch that.
- Why?
2051
01:36:38,560 --> 01:36:42,599
There's roadworks all the way
from Junction 24 to 27. It's terrible.
2052
01:36:42,720 --> 01:36:44,239
- Really?
- You'd be better off
2053
01:36:44,360 --> 01:36:45,559
going anti-clockwise.
2054
01:36:45,680 --> 01:36:47,199
Right. OK. Yeah.
2055
01:36:47,320 --> 01:36:49,959
Yes, well, it's as broad as it's long,
isn't it, so, yeah, I'll do that.
2056
01:36:50,080 --> 01:36:51,599
Good. Good.
2057
01:36:51,720 --> 01:36:53,119
- Yeah.
- Really nice to meet you.
2058
01:36:53,240 --> 01:36:54,799
- God bless.
- And you. Bye-bye.
2059
01:36:54,920 --> 01:36:56,159
All right, see you, Mum.
2060
01:36:56,280 --> 01:36:57,639
Lovely to see you.
2061
01:36:57,760 --> 01:37:00,319
- How's Mischa?
- Erm, she's...she's in America.
2062
01:37:00,440 --> 01:37:01,759
She is at the moment, yeah.
2063
01:37:01,880 --> 01:37:04,519
Oh! We... We'd thought
she'd be coming with you.
2064
01:37:04,640 --> 01:37:06,759
- We're going through a bit of a hiatus.
- Oh, dear!
2065
01:37:06,880 --> 01:37:08,439
Rob's the substitute girlfriend.
2066
01:37:08,560 --> 01:37:10,119
- Oh. Oh!
- Oh, I hope not!
2067
01:37:10,240 --> 01:37:11,359
No, nothing like that, yeah.
2068
01:37:11,480 --> 01:37:13,719
How is work? Anything coming up?
2069
01:37:13,840 --> 01:37:16,319
Er, yeah, I've got a TV series in...
in America possibly, so...
2070
01:37:16,440 --> 01:37:17,959
- Really?
- Great!
2071
01:37:18,080 --> 01:37:20,239
But it would mean spending
a lot of time over there, though,
2072
01:37:20,360 --> 01:37:21,719
that's the problem.
2073
01:37:21,840 --> 01:37:24,639
If you need anybody
to carry your bags, then...
2074
01:37:24,760 --> 01:37:25,999
All right, OK.
2075
01:37:26,120 --> 01:37:28,079
- See you, Dad. Ta-ra.
- Right, yeah.
2076
01:37:28,200 --> 01:37:30,879
Ahh. Bye. Now, listen,
you take care of yourself, OK?
2077
01:37:31,000 --> 01:37:32,439
Nothing to worry about.
2078
01:37:32,560 --> 01:37:33,719
- Everything's fine.
- Bye, love. Bye.
2079
01:37:33,840 --> 01:37:36,319
- See you.
- The car's locked.
2080
01:37:36,440 --> 01:37:38,199
- What?
- Locked.
2081
01:37:38,320 --> 01:37:40,879
Oh, sorry, I thought I'd pressed it.
2082
01:37:45,720 --> 01:37:46,839
See you.
2083
01:37:50,200 --> 01:37:52,279
- (BEEPS HORN)
- Bye!
2084
01:37:56,600 --> 01:37:59,079
Come on, let's get in.
2085
01:38:01,840 --> 01:38:04,079
ROB: So, have you made a decision
about America?
2086
01:38:04,200 --> 01:38:06,119
Will you stay or will you go?
2087
01:38:06,240 --> 01:38:08,359
I'm not going to, er...
I don't... I don't know.
2088
01:38:08,480 --> 01:38:11,599
I love Mischa and I want
to be with her, but...
2089
01:38:11,720 --> 01:38:13,799
I don't really want to talk about it,
to be honest.
2090
01:38:13,920 --> 01:38:15,639
You don't want to talk about it?
2091
01:38:15,760 --> 01:38:17,439
You don't want to talk about the things
you've gone through?
2092
01:38:17,560 --> 01:38:18,479
No.
2093
01:38:18,600 --> 01:38:20,799
Though it's hurting me,
2094
01:38:20,920 --> 01:38:22,559
now it's history.
2095
01:38:22,680 --> 01:38:24,319
# Now it's history
2096
01:38:24,440 --> 01:38:27,759
BOTH SING:
# I've played all my cards
2097
01:38:27,880 --> 01:38:31,359
# And that's what you've done too
2098
01:38:31,480 --> 01:38:34,679
# Nothing more to say
2099
01:38:34,800 --> 01:38:38,079
# No more ace to play
2100
01:38:39,160 --> 01:38:41,559
# Tell me, does she kiss
2101
01:38:41,680 --> 01:38:43,959
# Like I used to kiss you... #
2102
01:38:44,080 --> 01:38:46,159
There's a shiver down my arms
whenever I hear that.
2103
01:38:46,280 --> 01:38:48,479
- Thank you.
- # Does it feel the same?
2104
01:38:48,600 --> 01:38:52,159
# When she calls your name?
2105
01:38:52,280 --> 01:38:54,679
# I was in your arms... #
2106
01:38:54,800 --> 01:38:56,439
(IMITATES PERCUSSION)
2107
01:38:56,560 --> 01:38:59,079
- # Thinking I belonged there...
- # Thinking I'd be stronger...
2108
01:38:59,200 --> 01:39:00,519
Belonged there.
2109
01:39:00,640 --> 01:39:01,839
# Building me a fence
2110
01:39:01,960 --> 01:39:03,879
- # I figured it made sense... #
- Figured it made sense.
2111
01:39:04,000 --> 01:39:06,479
# Building me a fence
2112
01:39:06,600 --> 01:39:08,319
# Da ah ah ah
2113
01:39:08,440 --> 01:39:11,479
# Building me a home
2114
01:39:11,600 --> 01:39:14,999
- # Thinking I'd belong there
- # Be strong there...
2115
01:39:15,120 --> 01:39:16,599
# Ah ah ah-ah
2116
01:39:16,720 --> 01:39:18,759
- # But I was a fool... #
- Fool!
2117
01:39:18,880 --> 01:39:21,439
# Playing by the rules
2118
01:39:22,480 --> 01:39:32,919
# The winner takes it all!
2119
01:39:33,040 --> 01:39:34,199
# The winner...
2120
01:39:34,320 --> 01:39:36,399
(OPERATICALLY) # Takes it
2121
01:39:36,520 --> 01:39:40,279
# All-l-l-l-l! #
2122
01:39:41,440 --> 01:39:43,879
- Uh!
- Wow. Well, I was up there.
2123
01:39:44,000 --> 01:39:45,399
I was up there.
I think you strained a little.
2124
01:39:45,520 --> 01:39:46,799
I did strain, I did strain.
2125
01:39:46,920 --> 01:39:48,919
But I have a wonderful range.
People... I could have done opera.
2126
01:39:49,040 --> 01:39:50,719
- How many octaves?
- I don't know!
2127
01:39:50,840 --> 01:39:52,239
Five. Five.
2128
01:39:52,360 --> 01:39:53,599
How much is an octave?
2129
01:39:53,720 --> 01:39:55,479
- Five?! Five?!
- All right, two.
2130
01:39:55,600 --> 01:39:58,799
For two...
Pavarotti struggles to do five!
2131
01:39:58,920 --> 01:40:01,679
One. One. I do one.
Three. I do...
2132
01:40:01,800 --> 01:40:03,879
I don't know how much an octave is!
2133
01:40:04,000 --> 01:40:06,039
Well, just do an octave... Just...
Get your lowest note.
2134
01:40:06,160 --> 01:40:09,399
La. La. Hang on, wait, wait,
that's not it.
2135
01:40:09,520 --> 01:40:11,359
- Get your lowest, get your...
- Well, yes!
2136
01:40:11,480 --> 01:40:14,719
Lowwww...
2137
01:40:14,840 --> 01:40:16,079
OK, do an octave up.
2138
01:40:16,200 --> 01:40:17,839
(RAISES PITCH) Owww...
2139
01:40:17,960 --> 01:40:19,359
No, do an octave up.
2140
01:40:19,480 --> 01:40:21,239
Well, how much is an octave?
2141
01:40:21,360 --> 01:40:23,439
What do you mean? It's just the same note,
but an octave higher.
2142
01:40:23,560 --> 01:40:24,599
- I don't know how to...
- Listen!
2143
01:40:24,720 --> 01:40:27,119
Bah! Bah! That's an octave up!
2144
01:40:27,240 --> 01:40:28,599
All right, but don't do it
as Roger Moore.
2145
01:40:28,720 --> 01:40:30,719
- (SIGHS)
- (AS MOORE) A-h-h-h-h!
2146
01:40:30,840 --> 01:40:32,679
Come, come, Mr Bond,
2147
01:40:32,800 --> 01:40:35,599
you enjoy singing an octave
just as much as I do!
2148
01:40:35,720 --> 01:40:38,759
When I sing an octave up,
2149
01:40:38,880 --> 01:40:40,959
I sing it for Queen and country.
2150
01:40:41,080 --> 01:40:43,039
Although I admit singing an octave up...
2151
01:40:43,160 --> 01:40:46,039
I admit singing an octave up with you
would be a pleasure.
2152
01:40:46,160 --> 01:40:48,319
Listen, it's doh, ray, me,
fah, soh, la, ti, doh
2153
01:40:48,440 --> 01:40:50,519
and the next "doh" is an octave up!
2154
01:40:50,640 --> 01:40:52,519
# Doh, ray, me, fah, soh,
la, ti, doh!
2155
01:40:52,640 --> 01:40:53,959
That's an octave up from the first doh!
2156
01:40:54,080 --> 01:40:55,279
Shh-shh-shh.
2157
01:40:55,400 --> 01:40:57,559
# Doh, ray, me, fah
2158
01:40:57,680 --> 01:41:00,679
# Soh, la, ti, doh! #
2159
01:41:00,800 --> 01:41:01,879
No! What?!
2160
01:41:02,000 --> 01:41:06,399
# Doh, ray, me, fah, soh,
la, ti, doh!
2161
01:41:06,520 --> 01:41:10,119
# Doh, ray, me, fah, soh, la
2162
01:41:10,240 --> 01:41:12,719
# Ti, dohhhhhhhhh! #
2163
01:41:12,840 --> 01:41:14,039
Three!
2164
01:41:14,160 --> 01:41:15,919
Three.
2165
01:41:16,040 --> 01:41:17,479
Three!
2166
01:41:20,080 --> 01:41:22,119
Doh, doh.
2167
01:41:23,200 --> 01:41:24,919
Doh.
2168
01:41:25,040 --> 01:41:26,439
# Doh, ray... #
2169
01:41:26,560 --> 01:41:28,439
(ROB, AS WOGAN)
Terry Wogan is doing it now!
2170
01:41:28,560 --> 01:41:30,119
Doh, doh, doh.
2171
01:41:30,240 --> 01:41:32,159
Next you'll be doing
the Floral Dance!
2172
01:41:32,280 --> 01:41:35,399
# Doh... Doh, ray, me, fah, soh,
la, ti, doh!
2173
01:41:35,520 --> 01:41:36,879
# Ray, me, fah, soh, la, ti, doh!
2174
01:41:37,000 --> 01:41:38,639
# Ray, me, fah, soh, la, ti... #
2175
01:41:38,760 --> 01:41:39,879
ROB: That's not...
2176
01:41:40,000 --> 01:41:42,239
# Ti! #
Oh, fuck!
2177
01:41:42,360 --> 01:41:45,119
You're terrible! Terrible!
2178
01:41:45,240 --> 01:41:47,559
- I beat you. I beat you, I beat you.
- I...
2179
01:41:47,680 --> 01:41:48,679
Yeah.
2180
01:42:03,520 --> 01:42:05,119
You all right with your bags?
2181
01:42:07,120 --> 01:42:08,079
- Right!
- Well,
2182
01:42:08,200 --> 01:42:09,879
thank you very much.
2183
01:42:10,000 --> 01:42:11,959
- Thank you very much!
- I really appreciate you doing this.
2184
01:42:12,080 --> 01:42:13,039
Cheers.
2185
01:42:13,160 --> 01:42:15,279
- Let's have a hug.
- OK. Right.
2186
01:42:15,400 --> 01:42:17,839
- Rrrhhh!
- That's really good.
2187
01:42:17,960 --> 01:42:21,279
- No, I enjoyed it a lot and... and, yeah.
- Right, well...
2188
01:42:21,400 --> 01:42:24,799
You're a good... You're a good bloke,
I don't care what they say about you.
2189
01:42:24,920 --> 01:42:27,119
- I'll see you.
- Okey-doke.
2190
01:42:27,240 --> 01:42:30,079
Give me a ring and we'll, um...you know,
2191
01:42:30,200 --> 01:42:31,359
we'll get together.
2192
01:42:31,480 --> 01:42:32,679
- All right, mate.
- We could...
2193
01:42:32,800 --> 01:42:33,919
All right, bye-bye!
2194
01:42:34,040 --> 01:42:37,679
Bye-bye!
(TOOTS HORN)
2195
01:42:38,920 --> 01:42:41,039
- Ah!
- Hello!
2196
01:42:41,160 --> 01:42:43,199
The traveller returns!
2197
01:42:43,320 --> 01:42:45,279
- Aah!
- Hello.
2198
01:42:45,400 --> 01:42:47,519
- Mmm! Sorry. Hello!
- I've missed you !
2199
01:42:47,640 --> 01:42:48,559
Yeah!
2200
01:42:48,680 --> 01:42:49,759
We've both missed you.
2201
01:42:49,880 --> 01:42:51,119
(HORNS HON K)
2202
01:43:56,200 --> 01:43:58,039
(HE SIGHS)
2203
01:44:15,840 --> 01:44:18,639
And zoo-be-doo-be-doo-be-doo!
2204
01:44:18,760 --> 01:44:21,679
- So how was he?
- Zoo-be... He was his usual...
2205
01:44:21,800 --> 01:44:23,639
Zoo-be-doo-be-doo-be-doo!
His usual self.
2206
01:44:37,160 --> 01:44:40,199
- This is Mischa.
- Shut up!
2207
01:44:41,520 --> 01:44:44,679
Mmm, this is delightful.
2208
01:44:44,800 --> 01:44:47,159
(AS RON NIE CORBETT)
One of the most delightful meals...
2209
01:44:47,280 --> 01:44:49,959
One of the most... One of the most
delightful homecomings,
2210
01:44:50,080 --> 01:44:52,639
ha ha ha, I've ever enjoyed, ha ha ha.
2211
01:44:53,840 --> 01:44:58,439
Mmm. Well, it did stick to the bottom
of the pan a bit, but...
2212
01:44:58,560 --> 01:45:00,119
- Did it?
- Yeah.
2213
01:45:00,240 --> 01:45:02,839
(AS HUGH GRANT) Yes, I might have to
give you a...bloody good spanking.
2214
01:45:02,960 --> 01:45:06,439
In fact, I was rather hoping I might...
stick to the bottom of your pan later!
2215
01:45:09,800 --> 01:45:11,879
(DIALLING TON E)
2216
01:45:15,880 --> 01:45:18,119
(ANSWERPHON E PICKS UP)
2217
01:45:18,240 --> 01:45:19,479
(SIGHS)
2218
01:45:19,600 --> 01:45:21,279
...please leave Matt a message
2219
01:45:21,400 --> 01:45:24,519
and he will get back to you
as soon as he can. Thank you.
2220
01:45:24,640 --> 01:45:27,639
Hi, Matt. This is Steve calling.
2221
01:45:27,760 --> 01:45:30,839
Er...just to say I've thought it over
and I...I, um...
2222
01:45:32,200 --> 01:45:34,559
...I'm not going to do the HBO pilot.
2223
01:45:34,680 --> 01:45:36,479
I'm not going to spend
seven years in the US.
2224
01:45:36,600 --> 01:45:38,839
I've got kids. Er...
2225
01:45:38,960 --> 01:45:40,679
Yeah, that's it. Bye.
2226
01:45:41,760 --> 01:45:44,359
- Mmm!
- Mmm!
2227
01:45:44,480 --> 01:45:46,959
I don't like... I don't like
being away from you.
2228
01:45:47,080 --> 01:45:49,199
No. I don't like you being away from me.
2229
01:45:49,320 --> 01:45:51,519
(SIGHS) Oh, hello! There we are.
2230
01:45:51,640 --> 01:45:53,239
- There we go.
- All present and correct.
2231
01:45:53,360 --> 01:45:54,599
Mmm.
2232
01:46:01,520 --> 01:46:06,679
I think three days...should be
the maximum that I stay away for.
2233
01:46:06,800 --> 01:46:09,519
- Mmm. Not this long.
- Mmm.
167399
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