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(TAPPING ON MIC)

RICKY GERVAIS: Testing. Testing.

Testing over the credits.
The credits that no one cares about.

"Ooh, we're the business people.

"Ooh, we want our credit
before the film starts, 'cause..."

Anyway.

The story you're about to see
takes place in a world

where the human race has never evolved
the ability to tell a lie.

This is a typical town in that world.

As you can see, people have jobs and cars
and houses and families,

but everyone tells the absolute truth.

There's no such thing
as deceit or flattery or fiction.

People say exactly what they think,

and sometimes that can come across
as a bit harsh.

But they've got no choice in the matter.
It's their nature.

Look, I'm not coming in to work today.

No, I'm not sick. I just hate it there.

Oh, your baby is so ugly. It's like a little rat.

Wow! I just took one of the biggest poops
of my whole life.

What are you ordering?

GERVAIS: So if you're a chubby,
little loser like this guy, for example,

that's Mark Bellison, by the way,

then you're all alone
and at the bottom of the pile.

But later on in the story,
his luck's gonna change

when he tells the world's first lie.

He doesn't even know it himself yet.

So look forward to that.

(EXHALES)

Don't blow this.

- Hi!
- Hi.

You're early.

I was just masturbating.

That makes me think of your vagina.

I'm Mark. How are you?

A little frustrated at the moment.

Also, equally depressed and pessimistic
about our date tonight.

Sure.

I'm Anna. Come on in.

Um... Just wait there.

I need to finish getting ready.

While doing that,
I might realise I'm still horny

and try to finish masturbating
without you hearing.

(CHUCKLES)

I feel awkward now about being early.

ANNA: Yeah,
I'm disappointed that you're early

and not really looking forward
to tonight in general,

but the thought of being alone
the rest of my life

scares both my mother and me equally.

Sure.

Oh.

I'm thinking you've started masturbating,
'cause it's like it's too quiet.

And you said you were gonna
try and do it without me hearing.

I'm worried the restaurant I've picked
isn't expensive enough for you.

It's all I can afford

in my situation.

I know I'm in my 40s,

but I haven't got any
financial assets to speak of.

Also, my boss said
he's probably gonna fire me this week.

Wow!

I just masturbated.

That makes me horny.
I hope this date ends in sex.

I don't find you attractive.

Oh!

Shall we?

Yeah.

- After you.
- Thanks.

(SIGHS)

- This is not as nice as I remember it.
- What are we gonna talk about?

Hi. I'm threatened by you.

Mark Bellison. Table for two.

Of course. Come with me.

MARK: Thank you.

Thank you.

- Plastic.
- I'm very embarrassed I work here.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hello.
- And you're very pretty.

That only makes this worse.

(CLEARS THROAT) Can I get
you two started on some drinks?

- ANNA: Yes.
- I'll have a Budweiser, please.

I'll have a mango margarita,

and I'll probably have three more drinks
by the end of the night.

- Your sister?
- No.

- Daughter?
- No.

She's way out of your league.

(STAMMERS)

Thank you.

Shall I ask you
some questions about yourself?

Yes.

How do you spend your days?

I get up at 8:00 in the morning

because the noise from my alarm clock
interrupts my sleep.

And I lean over and just turn it off.

Turn it off.
That's more specific than I thought.

- Oh. What did you want to know?
- Just...

- Well, do you have a job?
- I have a job in an office.

- What do you do?
- I'm an executive.

- Do you enjoy that?
- No.

- Oh!
- But I enjoy the end result of the job,

which is money.

And also the hours are pretty good
for the amount of money I make,

which I spend on things I like,
such as clothes and hiking and drinking,

even though I know it's bad for me.

But I'd rather just get all the money
and not have to work for the results.

Oh, sure.

Tell me something about you, though.

You already know a lot about me.

You know I'm good-looking
because, well, here I am.

And you know that I'm successful

because you've seen my apartment
and the clothes that I'm wearing.

And you know I'm happy because I'm smiling.

- Are you always happy?
- Usually.

Some days I stay in bed, eating and crying.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

- I had a little sip of this from right there, so...
- Okay.

You guys ready to order
or do you need a moment?

I'm good.

Oh! I'll have the Caesar salad with chicken
because I think I'm fat,

but I also think I deserve
something that tastes good.

I'll have the fish tacos
'cause it's what I had last time I was here.

It's all I know.

Great. I'll get those two started.

If I gave you my number, would you call me?

No.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Sorry. It's my mom.

I think she's probably checking on the date.
It won't take long.

Hello.

Yes, I'm with him right now.

No, not very attractive.
No, doesn't make much money.

It's all right, though.
Seems nice. Kind of funny.

A bit fat.

Has a funny little snub nose.

(EXCLAIMS)

Kind of like a frog in the facial area.

Yeah, but...

No, I won't be sleeping with him tonight.

No. Probably not even a kiss.

Okay. You, too. Bye. Sorry about that.

It's all right. Don't think twice.
How is your mum, all right?

- She's all right...
- Great. That's...

Thanks for going on this date with me.

You're way out of my league,
and I know you only did it as a favour to Greg

and I'll probably never
hear from you again, but...

I had a better time than I thought I'd have.

But I won't really know how I feel about you
till I'm a little less drunk.

- Sure.
- Yeah.

Well, call me tomorrow
if you still like me when you're sober.

I might.

Oh! Thank you for kissing me on the cheek.

I know you didn't have to do...
You're very pretty! Good night!

MAN: (ON TV)... first used
roughly 4,000 years ago on Celtic chariots,

was, for the most part,
unchanged by man until the late 1800s.

Hi, I'm Bob. I'm the spokesperson
for The Coca-Cola Company.

I'm here today to ask you
to continue buying Coke.

I'm sure it's the drink
you've been drinking for years

and if you still enjoy it, well,
I'd like to remind you

to buy it again sometime soon.

It's basically just brown sugar water.

Haven't changed the ingredients much lately,

so there's nothing new
I can tell you about that.

Changed the can around a little bit, though.

You can see the colours are different there,

and we've added a polar bear,
so the kids like us.

Coke's very high in sugar,
and like any high-calorie soda,

it can lead to obesity in children and adults
who don't sustain a very healthy diet.

And that's it. It's Coke.
It's very famous. Everyone knows it.

I'm Bob. I work for Coke.
And I'm asking you to not stop buying Coke.

That's all.

(SLURPING)

It's a bit sweet.

Thank you.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Hold the elevator.

- Hey, Mark. How's it going?
- Hi, Frank. Not too well.

I went on a date last night with a girl
I've had a crush on for years,

and she'll most likely never call me again.

Oh, and I think I'm getting fired today.
How about you?

Oh, I'm not too great, actually.

I've been throwing up painkillers all night

because I'm too afraid to take enough
to actually kill myself, so...

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

See you tomorrow.

If I'm not dead, then sure.

- Good. That's settled, then.
- All right. Have a nice day.

MARK: Cheers.

This isn't natural!
None of this is natural! We're all animals!

Why am I wearing clothes?
How do you people live like this?

Why is there all this concrete?

I woke up this morning and realised,
not only do I not love you,

but also the thought
of sleeping with you sickens me.

That should make me not love you,
but it only makes me love you more.

(GROANS IN FRUSTRATION)

I just don't want to go in there today.
I just don't, you know?

All of Lecture Films' productions are written,
filmed and edited on this very lot.

In fact, this building is
where Lecture Films' talented writers

scour the world's past events
for the most dramatic,

entertaining and even hilarious moments
from world history,

which are then turned into scripts,
handed over to our world-famous readers

to read off of teleprompters
and then filmed for your viewing pleasure.

Now, if you'll just follow me over here,
I will give you a sneak peek

of Lecture Films'
upcoming summer blockbuster,

Napoleon: 1812 to 1813.

MALE NARRATOR: Coming soon
from Lecture Films,

screenplay by Brad Kessler
and starring Nathan Goldfrappe,

Napoleon: 1812 to 1813.

And so Napoleon invaded Russia

with a brute force
of nearly 700,000 men behind him,

armed with muskets
and supported by cannon brigades.

Crippled by disease and hunger,

Napoleon's men persevered.

It was then that...

Oh, look, everyone.

There's Mark Bellison,
one of Lecture Films' very own screenwriters.

Mark is one of Lecture Films'
least successful screenwriters.

I also hear he's most likely
getting fired today.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Let's go to the editing bay, where we can
watch them put the final touches

on the upcoming Lecture Films feature,
The Invention of the Fork. Right this way.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Morning, Shelley.

Hi, Mark.

I realise more and more every day
how overqualified I am for this position

and how incompetent you are at yours.

Any messages?

Anthony is coming up within the hour to see
if he can get up the courage to fire you.

If he can't, he said
that he'll definitely do it tomorrow.

Anything else?
Any messages not to do with being fired?

Well, I told everyone
you're getting fired this week

and they shouldn't expect
their calls returned,

so no one left any messages.

Okay. Next time...

I don't think there'll be a next time.

...take the message,
just in case I don't get fired.

You're almost definitely getting fired.

Yeah, but I'm still here now, so...

Seems like a waste of time.

No, it's not.

You're getting paid for it, so let's
take the message in case I don't get...

- But everyone knows that you are.
- Hasn't happened yet.

Okay. But everyone knows you are.

I'll be in the office, don't...

Okay.
I'll be searching for new jobs on Craigslist.

You should probably
just get on with your work.

SHELLEY: No, thank you!

Anthony?

Come in. What?

Come in.

Well, you look really depressed today.
That's gonna make this so much harder.

- Anthony, don't fire me.
- Oh, Mark.

The 1300s, they're so boring.

And the last two scripts
you turned in were depressing.

They were about the Black Plague.

It's the 1300s.
What am I meant to write about?

It's not totally your fault, Mark.
You got stuck with a tough century.

- No, no, I can make it work.
- Mark.

Just give it up.

Nothing new is gonna
have happened in the 1300s.

At Lecture Films, we just want to take
the big-name readers of the day

and have them read the stories
that people know and love.

I'm having...

Can I... Do you mind if I...

- I come back and do this tomorrow?
- Oh, well...

No, I just got nervous about firing you.
I just don't do well with confrontation.

Hey, maybe... Maybe if I just sleep on it.

Well, then I'll be thinking,
"Will he fire me, won't he fire me?"

- You're fired.
- I am fired, yeah? 'Cause I sort of...

Yeah. Oh, boy.

(COMPUTER CHIMES)

(SIGHS)

ANNA: Mark, I woke up this morning,
sober, and realised that,

while I did enjoy your company,

based on your looks, your financial situation
and your position in life,

I have no interest in you romantically.

I'm just too far out of your league. Anna.

(GROANING)

Is that 'cause you just got fired?

And 'cause I just got an e-mail
from a woman who...

Yeah, my favourite part was when she said
it was based on your looks.

You read my e-mail?

Yeah. Everyone's read it.

It's the best one you've had all year.

Not for me.

I'm gonna get a snack. Do you want a snack?

So?

I loathed almost every minute
that I worked for you.

So, what are you gonna do now?

I don't know.

But I don't hold out much hope for the future.

I don't have a lot of hope for you either,
but I wish you good luck.

- Bye, Mark.
- Bye, Shelley.

- Mark!
- Yeah?

- Do you mind if I talk to you for a second?
- No.

- I heard the news they were firing you, huh?
- Yeah.

- That must be hard.
- Yeah.

Well, I just wanted to say goodbye,
and I've always hated you.

- You've always...
- Hated you.

- I didn't know that.
- Yeah, a lot of people knew it.

- What, you told other people you hated me?
- Yeah.

I even turned some people against you.

Is that why you came over to talk to me?
To tell me you hated me?

No, I came to say goodbye to you,

and the rest of it
just sort of happened on its own.

Came out, yeah, sure.

I always knew that the Black Plague
would never work as a movie.

You're an awful writer,
assigned to an awful century.

And you're a little man-bitch.

(MOUTHING) Man-bitch.

But I've always been threatened by you

because there's something about you
that I don't understand,

and I hate things that I don't understand.

But you'll always be a loser.

And I'll always be more successful
than you in nearly every way,

and that's just the way it is.

Oh, and Shelley thinks
you're an overweight homosexual.

- No, I never said that.
- Thank you.

I said, " Fat faggot.

"Fatty, fat faggot."

I stand corrected.

And I was upset with
"overweight homosexual."

Doesn't matter.
Either way, you're a dumpy little queer.

(EXCLAIMS)

Mark, try to enjoy your loser life.

(EXHALES)

SHELLEY: He's awesome.

Well, no.

Your opinion. Bye, Shelley.

I look forward to never seeing you.

NURSE: Mrs Johnson,
you have got to take your medicine.

- Hi.
- Are you here to abandon an elderly person?

I already have. Martha Bellison, I'm her son.

Ooh, it's good you're here.
She's not doing well.

You should say your final goodbyes today.

Yeah. Someone says that to me
every time I come here.

She's at the top of our death pool.

You look like my dead son!

Each day is worse than the last.

I'm on pills that make everything orange!

(STATIC CRACKLING)

Oh, Mum, this is so depressing.
At least look out of the window.

Telly's broken.

It's not broken.

You probably sat on the remote
and changed the channel again.

Yeah, you have, look.

Gotta put it on channel three
for the satellite to work.

I don't understand anything you just said.

That makes me scared and angry.

(SIGHS)

Lost my job today, Mum.

I'm in my 40s,
and I'm alone with no prospects.

Things aren't much better for me here.
But could be worse.

We could be homeless.

Don't you wish you could change things?

Don't you wish you weren't such a loser?

Well, I don't think I'm a loser.

You are, Mum. Definitely.

We come from a long line of losers.
It's not your fault.

You're a...

A loser.

I love you, Mark.

I love you, too, Mum.

Good luck with finding a job, eh?

I'll go.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(STATIC CRACKLING)

Oops.

(ALARM BEEPING)

MARK: Shut up!

Haven't even got a job.

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

(SIGHS)

- Hi.
- I'm here for the rent.

Yeah, I was gonna come
and talk to you today. I got fired yesterday.

I know. That's why I'm here for the rent.

- Yeah, I haven't got it.
- How much do you have?

I got about $300 left in my bank account.

- The rent's 800.
- I know. I haven't got that.

Then you're evicted.
You got one day to get your stuff out of here.

Well, how am I gonna do that?

You got $300. Rent a truck.

What can I do for you today, sir?

Just been evicted from my apartment.

So I have to withdraw whatever I've got
in my account to move my things out.

Think I have to close my account.

Probably gonna be homeless. Mark Bellison.

Unfortunately, sir,
the system is down right now,

so I'm not gonna be able to perform
an account closure until it's back up.

But I can help you with a withdrawal.
How much would you like to withdraw today?

- All of it. Whatever's left.
- The system is down, sir.

Can you tell me
how much is in your account?

Sir?

MARK: $800.

Sir?

- $800.
- Pardon me?

I have $800 in my account.

(COMPUTER CHIMES)

Oh! The system just came back up.

- System seems to be back up, guys.
- MAN: Thanks, Jill.

Just a second while I access your account.
You said you were withdrawing 800, correct?

Wait a second.

It says here that you only have
$300 in your account,

but you said you wanted to withdraw 800?

Yeah.

I apologise, sir.

It seems our system has made a mistake.
Let's get you your $800.

Did you want large bills or small?

- Bills, large.
- All right, here you go.

That's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, $800.

Is there anything else
I can do for you today, sir?

Uh-uh!

Sorry for the inconvenience.

(MUMBLES)

- What are you doing here?
- Paying my rent.

Come on!

(EXCLAIMING GLEEFULLY)

MARK: Today, I stumbled upon something
that no man has ever stumbled on before.

What I've done, they'll write about
in history books for generations to come.

And yet, moments ago, it was unfathomable,
not only to myself but to mankind as a whole.

It's hard to describe.

And it was as easy as...
How do I explain this?

I said something that wasn't.

Huh?

I said something that wasn't. I...

What's the word for it?
There is no word for it.

Of course there isn't. I invented it.

Watch this. Jim!

What?

My name is Doug.

- Your name is Doug?
- Hi, Doug.

That's so weird I never knew your real name.
Doug is good. It suits you.

Come on!

What's my name?

- It's Doug.
- Doug.

No, it's not! It's Mark!

- Your name is Mark?
- Hi, Mark.

- Mark suits you even better.
- Marko.

Okay, you're not getting it.

Marko.

- I'm black.
- I knew it.

You're very light-skinned, but I can see it.

- I always wanted a black friend.
- Me, too.

I'm an Eskimo.

Fantastic!

Yeah, I've never seen a black Eskimo.

I'm a pirate.

- I didn't know they still had those.
- Are you a dangerous pirate?

I'm a lion tamer, and I'm wearing a wig.

Aren't you scared you'll get bitten one day?

That's a fantastic wig.

- I invented the bicycle.
- I love your work.

Can I get a discount on a ten-speed?

I'm a one-armed German space explorer.

When's your launch date?

(JIM GREETS IN GERMAN)

That's a very lifelike prosthetic.

This is incredible.

Come on, let's up the stakes a little bit.
Come on.

If you could make the world
the way you wanted it to be,

what would you do?

If you could change anything,
if you could do anything,

what's the first thing you'd do?

If I could do anything?

Anything at all?

Anything at all.

I would touch girls' boobs.

Yes.

And maybe have sex with them, too.

Oh, agreed. That, too.

Okay. Let's try that.

- Where are you going?
- Out.

Don't look at me. I'm not attracted to you.

- No, listen.
- Don't bother. I've heard it all before.

The world's gonna end
unless we have sex right now!

Do we have time to get to a motel,
or do we need to do it right here?

Motel.

WOMAN: Help me get my dress off.

Hold on, wait, wait.
Let's get to know each other first.

No! We have to have sex.
The world is going to end!

I don't even know your...

Think of the children!
Think of the little babies.

Let's have a drink.
You look like you'd like a...

- $10 for a beer. That is...
- Don't you understand?

- We are all going to die!
- This isn't right.

Well, of course this isn't right,
the world is going to end!

We have to have sex right now!

Oh, hold on. Hi, NASA. Yeah, it's me.

(EXCLAIMS QUESTIONINGLY)

I'll let her know. That is good news.

- Now.
- Thank you.

World's not gonna end. We don't have to...

- (GASPS) We're gonna live!
...sex.

We're gonna live!

Thank you! Oh, thank you!

- I've gotta go.
- Can't you stay?

We've been through so much together.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Well, that was one of
the worst experiences of my life.

Did you invent a new kind of bike?

What else would you do?
If you could do anything.

- Boob.
- No, we've done boobs.

What's the next thing you'd do?

- Eh?
- Well, what would you do?

I'd get money.

I'd get all the money.

Come on.

- Where are we going?
- On a trip.

I'll drive.

I shouldn't be driving.

But I don't care. I'm trying to hit bottom.

(SIREN WAILING)

Here comes bottom. Pull over.

Just stop.

All right, do me a favour.
Let me do the talking, okay?

GREG: I think I'm gonna puke.

MARK: Do not puke
in front of an officer of the law.

GREG: Don't tell me not to puke
'cause that'll make me puke more.

Hello, Officer. How are you?

Well, I'm relieved
you're not a couple of black guys.

There's a much higher probability
that I'd be jumpy,

shoot you without provocation,
and then I could lose my weapon.

That's good.

- I don't want to go to jail.
- He doesn't want to go to jail.

Have you been drinking
and operating this motor vehicle?

- Yeah, a lot of drink.
- Well, then you're probably going to jail.

I'm gonna need you
to breathe into this for me.

Officer, you don't need to do that.

I'm gonna say that,
judging by the look of this car,

you can't afford my bribe.

Why? How much do you charge?

5,400.

That's a lot.

That's too much, I think. Why so high?

I have an expensive cocaine habit.

But, you know, it's more than that.

I feel like when I set the price up higher,
it takes it out of the realm of petty crime

and helps me preserve
my sense of personal integrity.

Sort of feeling of self worth if you're... Yeah.

Well, it was nice chatting with you.

Any who, I'm still gonna need you
to breathe into this for me.

You're gonna wanna blow, not suck there.

(SNORING)

(BEEPING)

Oh, yeah. That's pretty much off the chart.
You're drunk.

- You're going to jail. Step out of the vehicle.
- I don't want to.

Sir, I'm gonna ask you to exit the vehicle
one more time.

- Might as well.
- I can't.

All right! That's it! Get out of the car!
Come on out here! You're drunk!

- You should be ashamed of yourself!
- Officer.

I'm gonna think about this later.

- Officer. Listen, no, no, no!
- Sir, please get back in the car!

Listen to what I've got to say.

He's not drunk.

I've made a terrible mistake.

I do this sometimes. I get a little...

It's the adrenaline.

Well, actually, it arouses me.

Sexually?

- Oh, that...
- I'm so sorry.

Please. Please let me help you.

Can you forgive me? Did you eat something?
Is it food poisoning?

- You'll drive?
- MARK: Yeah. Good idea. Thank you.

Sorry.

(LAUGHING)

That was awesome.

- Stop laughing. I'm gonna be sick.
- You're gonna be fine.

Oh, good.

- Where are we going?
- To get rich.

(VOMITING)

What are we doing here?
We don't have any money to throw away.

We're not gonna throw it away.

- Good luck.
- MAN: Thank you.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Chips, please.

There's a very good chance
you'll lose all this money here tonight.

- I know.
- And even if you happen to win,

there's an even better chance that,
in the long run, we'll win it back.

- I know.
- Some of the games are fixed,

- like the ones that use computers.
- I know.

- Good luck.
- Thank you.

- Hi, guys.
- Hi.

If I could be a stripper, I would,
but I'm not attractive enough. Drinks?

We'll have two beers, and we'll take them
over there at the roulette table.

- Cheers.
- Come on,

roulette's the stupidest game of all.
It's all chance. There's no skill whatsoever.

It's all right, I'm feeling lucky.

- You've never had a lucky day in your life.
- Just watch.

CROUPIER: Get your bets in.
Get your bets in.

The house always wins in the long run.

Because of the zeroes on the board,

every bet is slightly favoured
towards the house.

35 black. No one wins.

Look at that unusual thing, I've never...

It's gone now. I'm on 35 black, by the way.

We have a winner.

MAN: Good job!

CROUPIER: Congratulations, sir.

I just won the major jackpot on that machine,
but no money came out.

Oh, I'm sorry about that, sir.

Let me get that fixed for you.
And can I say congratulations, sir?

Thank you.

We've got a major winner here.
Would you open up the vault?

This is the most amazing night
of my entire life.

Think how amazing it would be
if you didn't smell of vomit.

I know.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Mark, how's it going?

Good.

Oh.

How's it going with you?

Pretty awful.

I was up last night
researching on the Internet,

like, suffocation suicide.

I think that's what I'm gonna do tonight.

Later.

Frank.

Yeah?

Don't do that.

Why? I mean...

You know, I'm miserable.
I don't think anyone would care.

I'll care.

But you're a loser,
which doesn't really count.

Things are gonna be okay.

They are?

Yeah. You're gonna meet someone.

You're gonna be happy.

I shouldn't kill myself?

Definitely not.

Okay, so I don't need to kill myself.

Wow! I thought...

I thought that like... That suffocation idea,

I thought that was like
a really good idea, you know?

It wasn't.

Wow!

My night's opened up.

Do you wanna hang out or something?

Oh, not really.

It's all right. It's okay.

No! Good idea.

Let's hang out. I'll see you tonight.

I'll see you tonight.

FRANK: Cool, okay.

(SLOW POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(INAUDIBLE)

(INAUDIBLE)

(INAUDIBLE)

(INAUDIBLE)

(INAUDIBLE)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello, this is Anna.

Hi, it's Mark.

Oh! Hi, Mark. Didn't you get my e-mail?

The one about not being
good enough for you?

That's the one.

Yeah, got that, cheers.

Listen, the reason I'm calling is
I want to ask you out on another date.

Why would you do that?

Well, I found out I can pretty much
have my life the way I want it.

Congratulations! I gotta go.

No, wait.

Listen, I know you said you didn't wanna go
on another date with me, ever,

but I'm different now.
I think I'm in your league.

Are you better looking?

No. More powerful.
I think you have to see it for yourself.

Have you been to the gym?

No. I joined a gym, but just...
Things have changed for me.

I think you'll hardly recognise me.

Did you buy new clothes?

No. Sorry, can we just meet up? It'd be best.

You did admit yourself that,
you know, we got on.

If you had an okay time, then please say yes.

I'm just asking for
one teensy, weensy little date.

Okay, fine.

Fantastic.

I'll pick you up tomorrow, about 8:00?

Most likely, though, this will be our last date,
so just know that.

Yeah. Great.

Okay. Bye!

Bye!

Hang up, Mark.

Bye.

MALE NARRATOR: Proudly presents
The Industrial Revolution.

Hello, I'm Angelo Badsmith.

Come, watch me read
about the exciting events

that took place during
the Industrial Revolution,

written by the most beloved and esteemed
screenwriter of his generation,

Brad Kessler.

I don't think anyone can write
a better screenplay than Brad Kessler.

No?

BRAD: Hey!

Did you come to beg for your job back?

Everybody!

That's the loser that thought
the Black Plague

would make an interesting film.

Hey! Good luck, douche bag.

- You can't go in there.
- I've got an appointment.

Oh, then go right in.

Talk to you later.

Hi. That was the head of the studio.

Why are you here?

Well, when you fired me,
I was seriously depressed.

- I knew it.
- But...

I went for a walk, right out of town.

And I came across a desert,
and I fell asleep under a tree, palm tree.

I don't do well
with other people's life-changing stories.

And then when I woke up,
I saw like a thing sticking out of the sand.

And I unearthed it,
and it was an ancient chest.

Really old. Seven hundred years old.

And in that chest was this.

What is it?

It's a never-before-heard event from history.

When does it take place?

1300s.

Oh, come on, no, Mark!

Mark, I've already told you,
we don't do Black Plague movies here!

It's not about the Black Plague!
It's not just about the Black Plague.

It's about... Can I just read it, please?

Get excited. Don't tap, get excited.

Get very excited,

because this is one of the best discoveries

man has ever discovered.

And you can be part of it.

Yes, but is there a movie there?

The greatest movie
Lecture Films has ever made.

Start reading.

"On the very first day of the 14th century,
a momentous occasion occurred.

"It began like any other day.
The sun rose, babies began to cry.

"But all of that was interrupted
when a giant, flying spaceship

"crashed down from the skies
and landed in the heart of Babylon."

What?

Uh... Get everyone in here, right now.
We got a big one.

Oh, please, Mark, continue.

MARK: " The ninja army
unleashed a giant fireball

"and brought the robot dinosaur
to its knees, saving Mars, Earth

"and the nude Amazonian alien women,
all in one sweeping motion.

"The Earth was saved.

"Jebediah and Aleena were allowed to marry
by alien King Wanglor.

"It was to be the first human
nude Amazonian alien woman wedding,

"and no expense would be spared.

"All of Babylon and Mars were invited
to join the celebrations.

"The wedding was held
on a brisk summer's day on Mars.

"And all of the survivors
of the Great Ninja War

"and the Black Plague were present.

"They feasted and danced and laughed,
and it was a joyous occasion.

"The moment the bride and groom kissed,

"King Wanglor performed
a mind-wipe on all the humans,

"thereby erasing all knowledge
of these events for about 700 years,

"until one day,
a great writer by the name of Mark Bellison

"would stumble across them in the desert
after being fired by his crap boss, Anthony,

"and mocked by Brad and Shelley,
two huge douche bags.

"Lecture Films would go on to make
the picture, and it'd be a huge success.

"And Mark would become very wealthy
and famous from it."

What are you gonna call this, Mark?

The Black Plague.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

I want you to start immediately
'cause I think this could be

the best screenplay ever written.

Oh, it will.

It will be the best screenplay
ever written by anyone.

Well...

I guess congratulations
on selling your script today.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Tell me something about your family.
I don't know that much about you.

(MARK EXHALES)

We're sort of what you'd call unlucky.

My dad was an alcoholic.

Sad.

Drinking got to a point where he lost his job,
and with a family to support,

he had no choice
but to turn to a life of crime.

What kind of crime?

Burglary. Houses, mainly.

What are you doing here?

It's Monday at noon.
You're not supposed to be at home now.

If you must know,
I'm incredibly stressed at work.

I've come home early.
I'm having a bit of me time.

More importantly, what are you doing?

Well, I was gonna rob your house.

I don't like that idea. Not a fan of that at all.

Well, I'm not gonna do it now
because you're in.

And do you know what's gonna happen?

I'm gonna call the police,
you're gonna be arrested.

Well, I'm just gonna leave,
and you don't know my name.

- What is your name?
- Richard Bellison.

(LAUGHING) Good to meet you.

You've got two options. Option one,
I send the police to your house, right?

Arrest you there,
embarrass you in front of your neighbours.

Or option two, you just come in
and wait for the police here.

- No, I'll wait.
- Yeah?

- Come on in then. Do you want a cup of tea?
- Yeah, that'd be great.

MARK: He spent the last years
of his life in jail.

I never really knew him.

But I've been blessed
with some luck as well in my life.

I had a wonderful mother who raised me.

- Oh, that's sweet.
- She's great.

Where is she?

At an old people's home.

But I'm gonna get her out of there tomorrow.

I'm gonna get her a mansion,

so she can spend
the rest of her life in luxury.

That's nice.

- Compliments from the chef.
- Thank you.

I don't know what's wrong with him today,
but these just look awful.

They look fine to me.

Well, you're stupid.

I was thinking.

Now I'm obviously rich and successful and...

Maybe I'm in your league
and that we could be together, romantically.

What would be the point?

We might enjoy it.

Well, I do like you
and I do enjoy your company.

And if we were to get together and procreate,

I would like the offspring
that are carrying half my genetic code

to be well taken care of, financially stable.

I also think you'd make a good father
and a good husband, which I like.

Fantastic.

Unfortunately, none of that changes the fact

that you'd still be contributing
half the genetic code to our children.

I don't want little fat kids with snub noses.

Sure.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Sorry.

Hello? Speaking.

She what?

Mum?

They just called me. What's going on?

They said I'm probably gonna die tonight.

What?

Hello, there.
I was just coming in to check on her.

You must be Martha's son.

What do you mean, she's gonna die tonight?

It does not look very good.
She suffered a major heart attack.

Her heart is very weak.
Her pulse is not very strong.

Her blood pressure is dropping rapidly,

and she will probably suffer
a fatal heart attack sometime tonight.

Yes. Still going to die.

Side note,

it's fajita night downstairs in the cafeteria,

so you might wanna grab yourself
a little bite down there after Mom dies.

Okay?

I'm so scared, Mark.

People don't talk about it,
but death is a horrible thing.

One minute, you're alive,

and then just like that, it's all gone.

This is it, Mark.

Few more hours like this and then

an eternity of nothingness.

(GASPS)

(MONITOR BEEPING)

Nurse!

Her vitals are dropping.

I'm so... I'm so frightened.

Oh, Mum.

Mum, listen to me.

Listen carefully.

You're wrong about
what happens after you die.

It's not an eternity of nothingness.

Huh?

You go to your favourite place
in the whole world.

Yeah. And everyone you've ever loved
and who's ever loved you will be there.

And you'll be young again.

You'll run and jump
like you used to and dance.

You used to dance.

There's no pain.

Just love.

Happiness.

And everyone gets a mansion.

And it lasts for an eternity. An eternity, Mum.

Say hello to Dad for me.

Tell him I love him.

- Go on.
- What else happens?

Mum.

I'm gonna see my mother again when I die.

Will you tell us more, please?

(MONITOR BEEPING)

(MONITOR FLAT-LINING)

(SOBS)

Hi.

Hi.

(CROWD CHATTERING)

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

There he is! That's him!

(CROWD CLAMOURING)

Is there only one place you go when you die?

Will everyone who has ever died be there?

What's this place called?

Will I get to have sex with people there?

Are there shopping malls?

What about smoking?
Can we smoke up there?

(PHONE RINGING)

Hi.

They're saying you know something different
about what happens after you die.

Twenty four hours ago, Mark Bellison
was just your typical nobody writer.

Today, people are saying
he has new information

about what happens after you die.

Oh, this is bad.

I just need to get... I know, I'm sorry.
Pardon me. Pardon me, please.

Oopsie! Excuse me. Um, oh, excuse me.

(CHUCKLES)

Quick.

Come in.

Yeah.

Just tell me what you told your mom.

I don't think I should. Anything can happen.

I've got to keep my mouth shut from now on.
Why did I...

Whatever you said
obviously affected a lot of people.

I mean, I don't think you have
the choice to keep it in.

Yes, I do. I could walk out that door now.

I could get on the first plane to Namibia.
No one knows me there.

Just tell me what you said, Mark.
Please, just tell me.

My mum was dying, she was scared,
she was shaking all over,

and she said she didn't want to
just enter a world of nothingness.

So I said, " You're wrong about what happens
after you die."

And I told her, I said,

"It's not a world of nothingness.

"You go to the best place ever,
where all your friends are

"and you have an eternity of joy."

I made her happy.

How do you know these things?

Well, I...

Oh, that makes me happy.

You have to tell them everything you know.
You have to. It's too big.

Listen to me, you don't understand.
The things I told my mum...

Didn't you say that it made her happy
to hear them?

- Yes.
- And how did that make you feel?

- Good.
- So imagine how it would feel

to do the same for all of these people.

Uh, okay.

I need some time.

You sure I should do this?

Of course you should.

Mark, what you know
is gonna change mankind forever.

It's the most important thing
the world has ever heard.

I'll let you work.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

MARK: Come in.

I brought pizza.

How come you never told me
we all get mansions?

- Uh, I didn't...
- Just let him keep working.

It's one thing that you invented
the bicycle, but...

Just keep working, don't worry about...

I've known him for a long time,
and he never told me that.

- I got plain, and I got...
- That's good.

I got another plain.

MALE REPORTER: In London, England,
they wait.

In Rome, Italy, they wait.
In New York City, they wait.

The world has come to a standstill,

with everyone
at their televisions and radios,

or here on this lawn,

waiting for Mark Bellison to come forth
and tell the people what he knows.

Oh!

Hi.

I've finished.

Are you ready?

- I guess so.
- Oh.

I wish I had something better
to put these on, though, like tablets.

Or just even better paper.

- That feels better.
- Good.

SHELLEY: Just...

Just tell them what you know.

- GREG: Good luck out there, man.
- Cheers.

REPORTER: Twenty four hours ago,

Mark Bellison was just
your typical nobody writer.

Today, people are saying
he has new information

about what happens after you die.

ANNA: Sorry.

I guess

you heard about the stuff
that I told my mum the other night.

That's why you're here.

I know some things,
some very important things

about what happens to you after you die.

Everything you need to know

is written on these pizza boxes.

"Number one,

"there is a man in the sky
who controls everything.

- "Number two..."
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What does he look like?

Uh, tall, big hands for making stuff.
Good head of hair.

What ethnicity is he?

Uh, he's a new type of ethnicity.

He's a mixture of all our ethnicities.

- Does he live in the clouds?
- No.

- Can we see him?
- MARK: No.

He lives higher than the clouds,
too high to see him.

- So he lives in space.
- Not that high.

So then the thermosphere?

MARK: Sorry, people. I've got a lot
to get through here. Can we just...

Man lives in the sky, you can't see him.
He controls everything. Cool?

Good. " Number two,

"when you die, you don't disappear
into an eternity of nothingness.

"Instead, you go to a really great place."

(CROWD EXCLAIMING APPROVINGLY)

MARK: " Number three,

"in that place, everyone will get a mansion."

(CROWD LAUGHING)

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

- What kind of mansion?
- The best mansion you could think of.

Ah, I was thinking of a horrible mansion!

Well, no.

It's the best mansion you could ever think of.

Not the one you're thinking of
right now, but ever.

Whatever the best mansion is you'd like,
that's the one you're gonna get.

(CLEARING THROAT) " Number four,

"when you die,
all the people you love will be there."

Will they have their own mansions?

Yeah. Of course. Everyone gets a mansion.

What if I want them to live in my mansion?

Well, that's fine. They'll leave their mansion.
They'll come and live with you, won't they?

- What happens to their mansion?
- I don't know. It goes back on the market.

Can we..." Number five,

(SIGHS)

"When you die, there will be free ice cream
for everyone.

"All day and all night,
whatever flavours you can think of."

- Even bad flavours?
- Why would you think of bad flavours?

You just said every flavour I could think of.

Oh, no. I just thought of vanilla and skunks.

Well, don't eat that, then.

I just thought
that chocolate sauce was diarrhoea.

Don't put that on the ice cream, then!
What is the matter with you people?

Can we... Please. " Number six,

"if you do bad things, you won't get to go
to this great place when you die."

Where will you go?

A terrible place, the worst place imaginable.

What constitutes a bad thing?

Awful crimes, rape, murder, things like that.

- Is punching someone bad?
- Yes.

- What if they're trying to hurt you?
- Well, then it's fine.

- Is cursing bad?
- No.

- What about being late for work?
- MARK: No, that's...

I mean, you might lose your job
if the boss doesn't like it,

but it won't affect what happens
to you after you die.

What about if you forget to feed your dog?

MARK: Well, then, if you forget,
I mean, it's bad for the dog.

If the dog dies, it's bad, but it's not...
I mean, don't do it on purpose.

Don't buy a dog just to starve it
for a laugh, but... Can we...

If I do just one bad thing,
do I go to the bad place?

No!

You get three chances.

Three bad things and you're out.

Like baseball!

(CROWD EXCLAIMS)

Sort of. So, anything else?

ALL: Yeah!

- Oh, please, can we just move on?
- MAN: No!

We have to know everything that's bad.

CROWD: Yeah.

(ALL CLAMOURING)

Fine.

Is it bad to wear pants?

Oh. What the...

No. There is no hairstyle
that can put you in the bad place.

We've been through this.

The main ones are things like hurting people
physically, on purpose, okay?

Taking their stuff, doing things
to people they don't want done,

murdering people on purpose.

Okay. " Number nine,

"the man in the sky who controls everything

"decides if you go to the good place
or the bad place.

"He also decides who lives and who dies."

- Does he cause natural disasters?
- Yes.

- Did he cause my mom to get cancer?
- Yes.

Did he cause that tree to land
on my car last week?

- Yeah.
- Did he kill my dad with that heart attack?

Yeah.

(CROWD EXCLAIMING IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

I say fuck the man that lives in the sky!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Yeah, that guy's evil!

That guy's a coward, hiding up there
doing bad things to us.

Why doesn't he do it to our faces?

We have to stop that evil bastard
before he kills us all!

(CROWD CHEERING)

MARK: Wait, wait, listen.

The man who lives in the sky
and controls everything

is also responsible for
all the good stuff that happens.

(CROWD EXCLAIMING APPROVINGLY)

He's the guy that saved my life
on that fishing trip when the boat capsized?

- Yes.
- Did he capsize the boat?

Yeah.

He killed my grandmother
and left me those millions of dollars?

You bet you.

So, he's the one
who cured my mom's cancer?

Yeah.

So, he's kind of a good guy,
but he's also kind of a prick, too.

Yeah. Right, but check this out, okay?

"Number ten, even if the man in the sky
does bad stuff to you,

"he makes up for it by giving you
an eternity of good stuff after you die."

(CROWD EXCLAIMING IN SATISFACTION)

As long as you don't do any of that
bad stuff that you mentioned, right?

- Yeah, of course.
- So it's kind of a test.

Yeah.

Well, that's everything I know.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

How do you know all these things?

Because the man in the sky told me.

Yeah, well, how come we're just finding out
about these things now,

millions of years into our existence?

(SOFTLY) I don't know. He forgot.
Got... Seen all the stuff he does?

Thank you.

(CROWD CLAMOURING)

Think that went well.

(CHEERFUL POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(INAUDIBLE)

(INAUDIBLE)

Cheers, cheers.

Cheers, cheers.

(CROWD CLAMOURING)

(FANS CHEERING)

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Did I ever tell you about the time
I saved a baby from a burning building

and there was a bear, and...

Wait, there was a burning building
and a bear?

Yeah, well, I heard a baby crying
and so I ran in there through the flames,

not caring about my own safety,
got the baby, jumped out.

It was the second storey, jumped out.

(MIMICS THUD)

I landed, baby safe. But then this bear...

- Wait, how did you survive?
- Well, let me tell you.

No, how did you survive the jump?

I've seen you twist your ankle
crossing the street.

Because on this occasion
I landed in something soft.

- Oh.
- So...

What did you land in?

- Jam.
- Jam.

It was a barrel of jam.
It was a jam factory on fire.

Probably what attracted the bear
in the first place.

- Right.
- You haven't heard of that?

The burning building, baby,
bear, factory, jam incident?

Shoot, no.

Yeah, classic. So, I land.

This bear is coming toward,
big, lumbering, eating machine

like that happy chap over there.

- What, sleeping, ugly fatty?
- Well...

- He's not happy.
- Well, how do you know?

What do you mean?
Look at him. He's a loser.

MARK: You can't tell that
from just looking at the guy.

He could be the world's greatest poet.

Well, he probably is a loser. Bad example.

But I'm saying, it doesn't have to be,
just by...

Okay. What do you see
when you see this fellow here?

ANNA: Short, sweaty, bald guy.

- Right.
- Hi!

MARK: He's carrying a briefcase.
He's in a hurry.

He's probably off to
a really important meeting.

He's probably a high-powered businessman.

You see more than I do.

Well, because, if you look...

What do you see when you see those guys?

ANNA: Mmm...

Two nerdy losers in hats?

Yeah. Good. Good observational skills.

But what I mean is, look beyond
just their appearance and look at them.

They're holding hands. They're in love.

Hey, do me.

I mean, just what do you see?
What do you see in me?

You're pretty.

You've got a wonderful smile.

- Well, that's what everyone sees.
- I wasn't finished.

You're the sweetest,
most caring person I know.

And you've got a freckle there
I've never told you about how much I love.

You usually smile,

but sometimes you spend your day in bed,
eating and crying.

You'll hold someone's hand
after their mum...

You're the most wonderful person
I've ever met.

What do you see when you look at me?

You're chubby and you have a snub nose.

Yeah. That's about it.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

You're smart.

You're kind.

You're the sweetest man I've ever met.

You are definitely
the most interesting person I know.

And you are fun to be with.

And you see the world in a way
that nobody else sees the world,

and I like the way you see the world.

And you're my best friend.

You make me happier
than anyone I've ever known.

- Why can't we be together, then?
- Because of the whole genetics thing.

Little fat kids with snub noses.

It's a shame that being rich and famous
doesn't change your genetics.

Because I love you.

Does being rich and famous
change your genetic material?

No.

It doesn't. Our kids would be
little fat things with snub noses.

BOB: (ON RADIO) Thanks for that, Jim.
Next up, Mark Bellison.

Does he deserve all the money and fame

or is he just some fat loser
who hears things from the man in the sky?

JIM: I say fat loser, Bob.

BOB: It's as simple as this, Jim.
Just look at the guy.

He's fat, he's stupid-looking.
What else do you need to know?

JIM: And what about the hundreds of people
camping out on his lawn?

I mean, don't those people have jobs?

BOB: Maybe they're all fat losers like him.

(BO TH LAUGHING)

JIM: Stay tuned, we got weather in five.

(DOOR OPENS)

And then write, " The duck flew all the way
to Alaska to meet up

(DOOR CLOSES)

"With his friend
who was a polar bear who lived there."

- "And the polar bear..."
- ANNA: How many of these have you had?

Doesn't matter. Uh..."The end."

- That's a strange ending.
- It is, isn't it?

And you want me to take this over
to Lecture Films?

- Yeah.
- ASSISTANT: Okay.

Tell them to film that one this week.

Okay.

Tell them it's for kids.

Kids will love that, won't they?

Bears and ducks in cars.

- What's that?
- It's a birthday card for you.

- You want it?
- Thank you.

Oh, I came to tell you
that I can't watch a movie with you tonight.

- Why not?
- 'Cause I have a date.

Who with?

- Brad Kessler.
- Brad Kessler?

You know what I think of him.
I think he is the world's biggest douche bag.

- To you. Not to me.
- Yes.

He's very sweet and kind to me.

Well, of course he is. Look at you!
A shark would be sweet and kind to you.

- It would?
- No, it wouldn't.

Do not get in with a shark.
It will just... I was just...

- But don't go out with him.
- Why not?

- Well, he's an excellent match for me.
- Well, don't sleep with him.

- Why not?
- What? You were going to?

If I don't sleep with him,

then he'll find another acceptable mate
who would sleep with him.

- Then I'll miss out.
- No, he won't.

- Yes.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

You haven't thought this through.

Because if I was going out
on a date with you...

And if you were attractive, like Brad.

Yes. Well, why...

But I would... I would lose respect for you...

- Huh?
...if you slept with me on the first date.

I would because I...

Just chat, just talk to him, sure.

But, listen, do not, whatever...

Let him know
what a wonderful person you are just by...

Verbally, not with... Because he will then go,

"Oh, I... I want to date her...
I want a second date."

Do not...

Do not have sex with anyone
unless you are married to them

is the rule.

Settled.

- Okay.
- Good.

What's this?

Birthday coupon for sex.

(STAMMERING)

It's a coupon for birthday sex.
So it's sex with you 'cause it's my birthday?

What do you get the man
who has everything?

(CHUCKLES)

- Sorry.
- Forget about it now. Sorry, I didn't know.

- No, no, no, stop.
- We're not married.

Which is what you just said.

(IMITATING MARK) Do not sleep with anyone
unless you're married to them.

That's what I said. But hold on, though.
What about the coupon?

- The rule is...
- Yes, I know what the rule is.

So we can't...

The coupon, it's just such a...

- Rule.
- Such a shame to waste it.

- But, I mean, you know...
- It's too bad.

(STUTTERING) It is, it is.

Now I can't redeem sex with this.

So you'd like what?
What am I gonna get you now?

(CHUCKLES) Can't have sex with you.

You probably just prefer socks, right?

Yeah. Shitty little woollen ones,
instead of sex.

BRAD: Hello?

Oh, he's coming.

Well, why have you invited him here?

I didn't. It was his idea.

I bet it was. It's my house.

- Anna.
- You are so handsome.

BRAD: I know.

- Mark. You look like trash.
- Oh, your opinion.

Let's go have some fun.

- Not too much.
- Hey! What are you doing with that?

That is a coupon for birthday sex.

- With you?
- Yes.

But he doesn't want it
because we're not married.

- He'd rather have a pair of socks, right?
- BRAD: Can I have it?

Oh, sure. Of course,
we'll have to get married to use it.

Well, maybe we just will.

Well, don't... I'm not happy for that. What...

I'll call you later.

(SIGHS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

- I thought we'd celebrate tonight.
- Hmm.

Today I was handed
a very impressive promotion.

Not only am I the head writer
of the coveted first century,

but today I was handed the reins
to the 18th, 19th, and 20th centuries.

- Oh, that is exciting.
- It's very, very exciting.

No other writer's ever had
that many centuries,

let alone four of the most popular ones.

Mark's never had more than one century.

Mark also has the man in the sky

telling him stories
no one's ever heard before.

Yes, but does he look like this?

Does he have my genetics?
My confidence? My charisma?

- No.
- BRAD: No.

I'm gonna send that bottle back.

Not because it's turned, but because
I want to appear discerning and powerful.

Yes, sir.

Also, I think we're ready to order.

She will have the small Caesar salad
because I don't want her to get fat.

And I will have the filet, rare,
because it's expensive,

it tastes good, and I'm important.

Excellent.

I understand why you want me to have
the small Caesar salad, but I am very hungry.

- Maybe we could add some chicken.
- BRAD: No, no, no, no, no.

We both know that one day
you're going to lose your looks.

You know, get old, wrinkly, ugly.

Why throw a weight problem on top of it
with delicious, fatty chicken?

Of course not.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Oh, I'm sorry. That must be my mom
calling to check on our date.

She's very controlling and impatient.

Let me talk to her.

(STUTTERING) Okay.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Anna's mom, you're on with Brad Kessler.

- Yes, your daughter looks beautiful.
- Ah!

No, she hasn't blown it by boring me.

Okay, you're annoying me now.

Your voice is shrill. Goodbye.

Sorry.

Thank you.

Mmm!

You know, you are
a near perfect match for me,

physically, genetically,
socially, economically.

I agree.

And a large part of me just wants to bag you

because Mark's in love with you
and I enjoy watching him fail.

Why do you hate Mark so much?
He's a really good friend of mine.

Because he's a loser.

I'm the one who should be living in
a mansion and talking to the man in the sky.

But I can have the one thing that he can't.

- You.
- Ah!

Because you are sensible.

You want to marry a strong genetic match

and maybe one day
have children that aren't...

Little fat kids with snub noses.

Exactly.

Exactly. Yeah.

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)

MAN: The man in the sky,
in his infinite wisdom,

has told us that we can do two bad things
and still get into our mansion.

So I say to you...

No. I won't move into your mansion with you
when we die. You're really smothering me.

The more you push me away,
the more attracted I am to you.

Out of the way, fatty!

Hey, you're Mark Bellison.

Yeah. You gonna apologise?

For what?

- Who wants another drink?
- Yeah, please.

I'll take one.

Thanks.

What's going on?

What, I can't be depressed

'cause I've got a big house
and loads of money?

What about you guys?
Are you happier, at least?

Since the man in the sky?

- Yeah, definitely.
- Very happy.

Are you still lonely?
Have you found someone yet?

- Uh, no, I kind of gave up on that.
- Why?

Well, because I was thinking
that if I get eternal happiness when I die,

that'll be really great because it's eternal,

you know, so you can't really beat that.

So I'm just really happy
that that's gonna happen.

So until then I think
I'm just gonna stick with the alcohol

and my little apartment and just kind of
hang out by myself and drink and watch TV.

That doesn't sound like a happy life.
That sounds like a long, miserable one.

Well, no, it won't be that long,
because the more I drink, the faster I'll die.

And I'm just waiting for that mansion,
you know?

That's what I'm talking about.

Brilliant.

INTERVIEWER: You call him on the phone,
on a telephone?

No, I just... He's speaking to me now.

- Is he saying something?
- He is, yeah.

Well, would you please tell us
what he's saying?

He's saying,
"Why are you speaking to that idiot?"

And I'm saying back,
"I'll give him a chance..."

There's got to be something better on TV
than this.

Oh, wait, Mom, don't change it.
That's my very good friend.

Oh, please. I know all your friends,
and they're nothing like that.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means just because
he's talking to the man in the sky

doesn't make him good enough
to be your friend.

What if I wanted him to be
more than just my friend?

Man in the sky forbid.

It would make no sense.

Mark Bellison is who the man in the sky
chose to speak through,

but that doesn't change the fact
that he's still a loser

and your kids would be, too.

- Well, he is more than just that.
- There's nothing more than that.

Losers are losers. That's all they'll ever be.

He is...

He's smart, he's funny,
and he's kind, and he is loving.

And he makes me feel special.
He makes me happy.

You are going to be
with the person who's right for you,

the person who'll give you
the kids you've always wanted.

Someone like Brad Kessler.

Hello, Brad. One moment.

- Speak to him. Don't blow this.
- (WHISPERING) Mom!

Hello.

Hi, Brad.

MARK: I miss you, Mum.

I know you can't hear me.

I know you're not up there in a mansion.

You're right here in the ground.

And I'm the only person in the world
who knows that.

And I'm not happy.

I did all this, but...

I'm not happy because

no one listens to what they really want.

That's why I'll always be a loser.

That's why I'll always be alone.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(MARK GROANS)

Mark.

You look awful.

Can I come in?

- Haven't seen you much lately.
- Yeah, I know.

I've been busy with work and things and...

Also, I tried calling you
and you never answer your phone.

- Did you know I was getting married?
- Yeah, I heard.

That's why I came over here, actually.
I wanted to give you this invitation.

Don't do it.

The wedding is tomorrow.

Please, don't marry him.

- I hope you'll come.
- (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Why?

Because it would make me happy.

Being around you makes me happy.

Then why are you marrying him?

I only have a certain amount of time
that I can find my ideal genetic partner,

have the children that I've always wanted.

You know that.

One day, Mark,

I'll be wrinkly and old, ugly.

No, you won't. Not to me.

You'll never be ugly.

You're confusing me.

- Please take this.
- Have a nice life.

(SOBS)

BOY: Enjoying your ice cream,
you fat loser?

(LAUGHING)

(BOYS LAUGHING)

Stop that!

It's okay. Forget about them.

What's your name?

Short Fat Brian.

Well, Brian.

You are so much more
than just short and fat.

See? You're Brian with the Great Smile.

Thanks.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

GREG: Ow!

Greg!

GREG: Sorry!

Keep the noise down.

Fat, ginger...

(PLASTIC RUSTLING)

Shut up!

You haven't lost yet, man.

(CHURCH BELL TOLLING)

BRAD: Ah!

(ORGAN PLAYING)

Loser.

We are here today,
sitting in this building,

to share in the wedding
of Brad and Anna,

two attractive young people

who have come to the conclusion
that this wedding will be mutually beneficial,

that their genetic match-up will be
most likely to produce favourable offspring

and a lifetime of financial stability
and physical security.

Brad, do you agree to stay with Anna
for as long as you want to

and to protect your offspring
for as long as you can?

I do.

And Anna, do you agree to stay with Brad
for as long as you want to

and to protect your offspring
for as long as you can?

I do.

Before I pronounce these two man and wife,
is there anyone here in this building

who believes they offer
a better genetic match-up to either party?

Me.

(GUESTS MURMURING)

Oh, come on, Mark.

I mean, look at you.
How can you possibly be better than me?

Because she's happy with me.

If she were happy with you,
what is she doing standing up here with me?

She thinks her kids deserve
the best possible start in life.

And she's right.

Yeah. And do you know
what that makes you?

You're a sperm donor.

(CHUCKLING)

(GUESTS MURMURING)

She's my best friend.

I thought I was your best friend.

Not now. Let's...

And I love her.

Don't do this.

Don't do it.

Is this what you really want?

It's the way of the world, Mark.

Why? Why does it have to be?

Who says your kids will be better than mine?

Who says that a strong jawline or
a fast metabolism or a muscular physique...

He's also taller.

No, I know, but I'm just...

Please, man, I...

Who says those traits will make your kids
better than mine, or happier?

I'll love our children.

And who says you'll make a better husband

just because you come from
a more privileged family

or a better genetic line?

(SIGHS)

She's a prize on your arm.
And your kids will be, too.

Anna.

If you tell me this is what you really want,
I'll go.

Is this what you really want?

Well, now, it's not up to us
to decide what we get in life.

- That's up to the man in the sky.
- I'm talking to her.

Why don't you just ask the man in the sky
what he wants for Anna?

- Surely he knows best.
- She knows what's best.

Just tell her
what the man in the sky wants, Mark.

Why don't you tell me
what the man in the sky wants for us, Mark?

Just please tell me.

(SCOFFS)

No.

(GUESTS MURMURING)

(SIGHS)

Are we married yet?

- Because I have plans later.
- There's a few...

ANNA: Mark, wait!

Why don't you just tell me
what the man in the sky wants?

- I did a bad thing.
- It's okay.

- You're allowed three.
- No, you don't understand.

There is no man in the sky.

Why did you say there was?

I couldn't stand the look on my mum's face
when she was dying.

And things just escalated.

But how did you say something that wasn't?

I don't know, I just did. I just can.

But when I asked you if being rich

and successful and famous
changed your genetics,

why didn't you just say yes?

'Cause it wouldn't count.

Mark.

I know what I want.

(SIGHS)

I want little fat kids with snub noses.

I'm your man.

MARK: So that's it. I got the girl.

Anna and I are very happy together,
by the way.

She still doesn't fully understand
how I said or did all those things.

No one does.
I'm still the only person who can tell a lie.

Actually, that's not entirely true.

What do you think?

That looks good.

It tastes so good, Mommy.

- Your best yet.
- I'm so glad you like it.

Huh? Oh.

I don't know where to start.

Just start on the bread, maybe,
then work my way up there.

You eat that. You liked it so much.
Why don't you eat some more?

He loves it.