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(Engine revving)
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(Train horn blasts)
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*THE GRAND TOUR*
Season 02 Episode 11
Title: "Feed the World"
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00:00:54,885 --> 00:00:56,360
(Cheering and applause)
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Welcome.
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Now, a couple of months ago,
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we were sitting around,
wondering what we should do
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00:01:02,978 --> 00:01:05,651
for this, the last programme
in the series.
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Yeah. I said we should build a car
that's also an aircraft carrier.
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Yeah, I wanted to
fire a car into space.
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But then we decided that
what we should actually do,
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because neither of those
things were ambitious enough,
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- was end world hunger.
- (LAUGHTER)
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Yeah. It's a big job.
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Yeah, it's not the sort of thing
that we could achieve in 20 minutes
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00:01:25,995 --> 00:01:28,953
with a couple of guests and a bit
of idle chit-chat in-between.
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No. We were going to need
the whole show.
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00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:36,042
So settle back now as we take The
Grand Tour on a mini special
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00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:39,604
to the poverty-stricken
but beautiful country
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of Mozambique.
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This is the village of Bingo
in the west of the country.
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00:02:00,168 --> 00:02:02,315
The people here
are not starving,
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00:02:02,436 --> 00:02:04,675
but they are very poor.
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Jesus here has to exist on
a diet of miserable gruel,
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00:02:11,994 --> 00:02:15,854
which is fine for silly rich
women in London and New York.
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00:02:16,013 --> 00:02:22,073
But food like this makes the average
red-blooded African man very sad.
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00:02:24,283 --> 00:02:28,109
And that's odd,
because just 200 miles away
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things are very different.
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(Hubbub of market)
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This is Mozambique's
capital city, Maputo.
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And the people here are
well-nourished and happy
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00:02:44,704 --> 00:02:46,696
because they live
by the ocean...
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00:02:48,415 --> 00:02:50,102
which is full of fish.
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00:02:50,191 --> 00:02:52,191
(Market chatter)
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00:02:54,031 --> 00:02:55,911
And that got us wondering.
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How hard can it be...
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to get the fish from here to that
village we were looking at earlier?
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Yeah. Now, this isn't
a very wealthy country.
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- In fact, it's a poor country.
- Desperately poor.
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00:03:07,290 --> 00:03:09,008
Desperately poor.
So they don't have
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00:03:09,076 --> 00:03:10,972
refrigerated trucks,
all that kind of stuff.
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00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:15,280
No, but we're talking about 200 miles.
That's London to Leeds, isn't it?
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00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:17,200
It's nothing
to get this there.
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I'm telling you, when
we get this sorted out,
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00:03:19,237 --> 00:03:22,723
when we move these fish
to Bingo,
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there'll be Nobel Prizes
in it for us.
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- And I'd be Boutros Boutros-May.
- Yes.
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00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:29,406
And I'd be Ban Ki-Hammond.
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- What? Oh, Ban Ki.
- Yeah.
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00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:34,043
- I'm gonna go for a knighthood...
- Do it. Why not?
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- Beat David Beckham to it.
- That'd go down well.
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JAMES: Unfortunately, having agreed
that we would end world hunger
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00:03:42,505 --> 00:03:44,812
by moving fish
across Mozambique,
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00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:47,719
we couldn't agree on how
this might be achieved.
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00:03:47,917 --> 00:03:51,352
So we ended up
with different solutions.
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00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:59,344
This is what I came up with -
a 1984 Mercedes wagon,
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00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:04,117
a car famous throughout Africa
for its rugged dependability.
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00:04:04,786 --> 00:04:07,909
However, I have modified it
extensively.
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00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:12,563
In the back, filling up all of
the back, is a Perspex tank.
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00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:15,344
What I'm going to do
is fill that with sea water
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00:04:15,412 --> 00:04:17,133
and then put the fishes
in there
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00:04:17,222 --> 00:04:19,008
and they will stay alive
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00:04:19,122 --> 00:04:20,808
as I make my way inland.
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00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:25,578
Now, you can't get fish fresher than fishes
that are still swimming around in the sea.
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00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:28,391
I have been clever.
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00:04:28,730 --> 00:04:29,970
Very clever.
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Not as clever as me.
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Because for the first time
in my entire life,
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00:04:35,368 --> 00:04:39,014
I've made a sensible
decision. I've gone for this.
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00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:42,600
It's a pick-up truck that
Nissan named after me.
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00:04:42,677 --> 00:04:45,266
It's called the Hardbody.
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00:04:45,349 --> 00:04:52,632
It's got tons of space in the back
for cod and bream and sticklebacks.
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00:04:52,779 --> 00:04:56,648
And it has four-wheel drive, which
I reckon is going to be essential,
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00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:59,323
because - and James hasn't
realised this -
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00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:01,200
it's the rainy season
in Mozambique,
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00:05:01,277 --> 00:05:08,258
so I reckon the roads
are gonna be... hell.
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00:05:08,416 --> 00:05:11,961
JEREMY: Hammond, meanwhile,
hadn't been clever at all.
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00:05:12,055 --> 00:05:14,078
What do you think of that?
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00:05:14,796 --> 00:05:20,732
- Well, I think it's a... motorcycle.
- Yes, it is.
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00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:23,531
Specifically,
it's a TVS Star HLX E5
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00:05:23,599 --> 00:05:26,812
and I've just bought this
brand new from a supermarket
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00:05:26,917 --> 00:05:28,363
for 800 quid.
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00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:30,003
Brand spankers.
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00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:32,203
Hammond,
this is not a quality item.
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00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:34,840
It's built down to a budget,
isn't it? You can feel that.
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00:05:34,917 --> 00:05:36,483
Is it a 1,000cc?
87
00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:38,163
- No, 100.
- What?
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00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:40,600
- 100cc.
- How many cylinders? Four?
89
00:05:40,677 --> 00:05:42,723
- One.
- One?
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00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:45,160
That one. -So how much
horsepower has it got?
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00:05:45,237 --> 00:05:47,283
- Seven. Seven.
- Seven?
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00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:49,003
But it's light, it's agile.
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00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:50,707
These things are
actually built in India
94
00:05:50,775 --> 00:05:53,203
specifically to be used
in Africa.
95
00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:54,523
- (CHUCKLES)
- They are!
96
00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:56,820
They're built in India
specifically for use in Africa...
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00:05:56,888 --> 00:05:58,766
It's too poor to be used
in India.
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00:05:58,834 --> 00:06:00,570
I can see why the Indians
don't want it.
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00:06:00,638 --> 00:06:03,729
It's rugged, it's tough, it can
go off-road if we need to.
100
00:06:03,797 --> 00:06:06,760
- It can do anything.
- But what it can't do, Hammond,
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00:06:06,837 --> 00:06:09,003
is transport
a large amount of fish.
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00:06:09,080 --> 00:06:11,400
Exactly what I was thinking.
If I wanted a pizza delivery,
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00:06:11,477 --> 00:06:12,800
this is the sort of
thing...
104
00:06:12,877 --> 00:06:15,803
I've thought about this.
Let me explain my idea.
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00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:19,720
This is my genius. What they do
here is dry the fish in the wind
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00:06:19,797 --> 00:06:21,003
cos it lasts longer.
107
00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:22,960
Is that fish? -That's
fish, drying in the wind.
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00:06:23,037 --> 00:06:25,363
- It looks like cats.
- No, it's fish!
109
00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:28,000
I'm gonna build a rack like
that, fit it to the back,
110
00:06:28,077 --> 00:06:30,484
and then I'll dry the fish
as I go along.
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00:06:30,552 --> 00:06:31,558
It's brilliant!
112
00:06:31,626 --> 00:06:34,414
That is literally the stupidest
idea I've ever heard of.
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00:06:34,500 --> 00:06:37,922
What are you gonna do, sling your fish
in your pick-up and watch them rot?
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00:06:38,037 --> 00:06:41,443
Ah! No. Actually,
I have a plan on that.
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00:06:41,527 --> 00:06:43,578
But I do need your help.
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00:06:49,673 --> 00:06:52,766
RICHARD: Jeremy's plan was
to break into a hotel
117
00:06:52,859 --> 00:06:55,586
in the dead of night
and do a burglary.
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00:06:58,200 --> 00:06:59,443
(Bumping and clanging)
119
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:01,303
RICHARD: You're not gonna...
You're gonna have to tilt it!
120
00:07:01,371 --> 00:07:03,336
You're gonna have to tilt it!
121
00:07:03,858 --> 00:07:05,969
Ow! Ow!
122
00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:09,000
- (RUMBLING)
- Right, back!
123
00:07:09,077 --> 00:07:11,789
(Thudding and groaning)
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00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:15,891
RICHARD: There!
125
00:07:16,953 --> 00:07:19,393
- JEREMY: Why is it so heavy?
- RICHARD: Ssh!
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00:07:19,557 --> 00:07:21,480
There's a lot of gubbins
in it.
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00:07:27,669 --> 00:07:30,029
JEREMY: The next morning,
we all met up on the beach
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00:07:30,097 --> 00:07:35,300
and I set about fitting the hotel's
ice machine to my Hardbody.
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00:07:35,504 --> 00:07:41,950
Right, so I need a bucket of water above
the height of the stolen ice machine
130
00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:47,461
from which the Solenoid ice machine can get
the supply that it can convert into ice.
131
00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:51,360
Oh, yeah.
132
00:07:58,364 --> 00:08:00,364
Generator in place.
133
00:08:00,433 --> 00:08:03,119
Water tank in place.
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00:08:03,619 --> 00:08:06,742
Meanwhile, Hammond was
building his fish rack...
135
00:08:07,765 --> 00:08:11,906
and May was filling his
Macquarium with sea water.
136
00:08:13,534 --> 00:08:17,214
How much is your car going
to weigh when it's full?
137
00:08:17,282 --> 00:08:19,048
An extra 700.
138
00:08:19,116 --> 00:08:21,633
- Tons?
- No, kilograms.
139
00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:24,883
- So it's at 0.7 of a ton...
- Yeah, extra.
140
00:08:25,037 --> 00:08:29,328
- Extra. And he's parked it...
- On sand. Wet sand.
141
00:08:29,396 --> 00:08:32,891
- Wet sand.
- But the fish aren't heavy.
142
00:08:33,898 --> 00:08:35,984
Tyre. Look at the tyre.
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00:08:36,869 --> 00:08:39,469
RICHARD: The tide is
definitely coming in.
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00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:44,320
JEREMY: With the Indian Ocean
nibbling at his back end,
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00:08:44,397 --> 00:08:47,383
James's tank
was eventually full.
146
00:08:47,686 --> 00:08:51,375
I need to get this going as quick as
possible. You lot out of the way!
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00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:54,040
(Engine revs)
148
00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:58,297
He's not gonna do it.
149
00:08:58,416 --> 00:09:00,179
(Revs engine)
150
00:09:00,397 --> 00:09:02,219
(Heavy clunk)
151
00:09:02,378 --> 00:09:04,224
Bollocks!
152
00:09:04,379 --> 00:09:06,739
(Hysterical laughter)
153
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:17,062
I need a tow! Tow!
154
00:09:17,300 --> 00:09:18,383
Try!
155
00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:22,920
It won't do it. It's only got
104 horsepower.
156
00:09:23,191 --> 00:09:24,714
Get the truck!
157
00:09:25,224 --> 00:09:27,114
Get your four-by-four,
please,
158
00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:29,403
and tow me
the first 20 yards.
159
00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:31,600
That's what you've got it
for! Get it in front!
160
00:09:31,677 --> 00:09:33,435
He's really shouting at me.
161
00:09:33,503 --> 00:09:36,661
I don't respond well
to shouting. I like calmness.
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00:09:36,797 --> 00:09:38,685
- Can you help?
- Yep.
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00:09:38,753 --> 00:09:41,089
JEREMY: What's the matter?
- I want a tow!
164
00:09:41,157 --> 00:09:44,160
You've got a four-by-four. Put it there.
Just tow me a bit.
165
00:09:44,237 --> 00:09:46,600
I helped you nick
the ice-making machine.
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00:09:46,677 --> 00:09:50,640
Do something in return.
You're still not doing it!
167
00:09:50,717 --> 00:09:51,923
I am.
168
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,560
(Revving)
169
00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:57,680
This is me saving James May.
170
00:09:58,939 --> 00:10:00,419
It's not ideal, but...
171
00:10:02,381 --> 00:10:04,263
- (HORN BEEPS)
RICHARD: Jeremy, he's ready!
172
00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:09,505
Keep going!
173
00:10:11,641 --> 00:10:15,001
- (METALLIC GRINDING)
- What is that noise?
174
00:10:15,157 --> 00:10:16,435
(Clunk)
175
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:21,800
That's my gearbox.
176
00:10:21,877 --> 00:10:23,203
No, no! Stop!
177
00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:24,964
Oh, you pillock!
178
00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:36,603
Hammond,
there's a really bad noise...
179
00:10:36,680 --> 00:10:38,360
I dropped him right where
the sewage is.
180
00:10:38,437 --> 00:10:40,200
RICHARD: OK.
- There's a terrible noise.
181
00:10:40,277 --> 00:10:42,440
Coming from the bottom
of my gear lever
182
00:10:42,517 --> 00:10:44,560
when it's underload,
pulling him.
183
00:10:44,637 --> 00:10:47,763
- What is that?
- That clicking metallic...
184
00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:49,520
- Could you hear it?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
185
00:10:49,597 --> 00:10:51,120
Dunno. Honestly don't know.
186
00:10:51,197 --> 00:10:54,683
Thank you. But you were
supposed to do it gently.
187
00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:57,120
- That's what I was shouting.
- My car is broken.
188
00:10:57,197 --> 00:10:59,043
- Well...
- Mine's not, fortunately.
189
00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:00,883
- How did that happen?
- You did it.
190
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:02,890
You might have holed his radiator.
We haven't had a look yet.
191
00:11:02,957 --> 00:11:05,640
- When I said "Stop", you accelerated.
- Yeah, that did happen.
192
00:11:05,717 --> 00:11:08,640
The noise of my
disintegrating gearbox
193
00:11:08,717 --> 00:11:10,137
was drowning you out.
194
00:11:10,205 --> 00:11:12,090
I didn't know your gearbox
was disintegrating.
195
00:11:12,157 --> 00:11:14,523
- It is now.
- Radiator and fan are OK.
196
00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:18,360
I knew they were. I judged it
to perfection. -Course you did.
197
00:11:18,437 --> 00:11:22,523
JEREMY: Once we'd replaced the
water James was now wearing,
198
00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:25,200
we were ready to go
and catch some fish,
199
00:11:25,277 --> 00:11:29,597
using local methods that
we didn't really understand.
200
00:11:31,700 --> 00:11:34,860
So far as we could tell, we
had to put James in the sea
201
00:11:34,976 --> 00:11:36,539
with one end of the rope,
202
00:11:36,624 --> 00:11:39,387
and then Hammond and I had to
row about,
203
00:11:39,455 --> 00:11:41,778
dropping off a net
as we went.
204
00:11:41,856 --> 00:11:43,229
And pull!
205
00:11:43,603 --> 00:11:45,446
Arg!
206
00:11:45,835 --> 00:11:47,758
Jesus Christ!
207
00:11:47,826 --> 00:11:49,589
There's been an accident!
208
00:11:49,657 --> 00:11:51,457
Row the boat, you idle sods!
209
00:11:51,717 --> 00:11:53,683
Hold on, James, we'll be...
210
00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:55,603
This is how they do it here.
211
00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:57,640
No, that's the wrong way.
Gotta go the other way.
212
00:11:57,717 --> 00:11:59,520
Oh, shit, I'm on
the wrong side!
213
00:11:59,597 --> 00:12:02,315
Turn it. Oh (BLEEP) hell!
214
00:12:02,464 --> 00:12:05,760
As Hammond and I were struggling
to get into a rhythm...
215
00:12:05,837 --> 00:12:08,659
Hang on, hang on.
The oar's come out.
216
00:12:08,776 --> 00:12:13,081
And, as it turned out, the
Indian Ocean wasn't that deep...
217
00:12:13,883 --> 00:12:15,486
(Richard laughs)
218
00:12:15,972 --> 00:12:18,050
JEREMY:
Where has all the sea gone?
219
00:12:18,118 --> 00:12:21,124
We decided to push
the boat instead.
220
00:12:21,414 --> 00:12:24,104
Any minute now we're going
to start fishing.
221
00:12:24,478 --> 00:12:27,222
I think this might
actually be working.
222
00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:29,240
If they can just get
themselves back to here,
223
00:12:29,317 --> 00:12:30,909
we've got two ends of a net,
224
00:12:31,058 --> 00:12:32,941
pull it in full of fish.
225
00:12:33,951 --> 00:12:36,807
Arg! Shit!
226
00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:39,253
I've caught myself
in the net!
227
00:12:39,416 --> 00:12:40,582
Oh, shit!
228
00:12:40,650 --> 00:12:42,413
After this calamity...
229
00:12:42,522 --> 00:12:45,005
- Hammond, get it!
- I can't get it!
230
00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:47,480
We decided that
we'd be better off
231
00:12:47,557 --> 00:12:49,128
in the boat after all.
232
00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:54,360
And soon we'd worked our way
back to James.
233
00:12:54,557 --> 00:12:56,776
- God!
JAMES: Come on!
234
00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:59,080
We're coming. Right, anchor.
235
00:12:59,157 --> 00:13:01,603
Right. Dropping anchor.
236
00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:03,565
What we do is, we pull it in,
237
00:13:03,633 --> 00:13:05,809
and then, as the net comes
towards us...
238
00:13:05,877 --> 00:13:07,563
it fills up with fish.
239
00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:09,000
So is that the other end
of it?
240
00:13:09,077 --> 00:13:10,548
This is my end,
the beginning end.
241
00:13:10,616 --> 00:13:12,680
- Where's the other end?
- At the back of your boat.
242
00:13:12,757 --> 00:13:14,923
This is the other end,
isn't it?
243
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:17,097
Hold on. No, wait.
This is the other end.
244
00:13:17,165 --> 00:13:19,237
But that's also
the other end.
245
00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:20,800
RICHARD:
This is the other end!
246
00:13:21,863 --> 00:13:23,760
JEREMY: Once we'd established
that somehow
247
00:13:23,837 --> 00:13:27,560
our rope had three ends,
we began hauling in the net.
248
00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:30,000
(Straining and groaning)
249
00:13:30,077 --> 00:13:33,443
Behold the sparkling treasure
of the seas!
250
00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:36,720
What we've achieved -
not only solving world hunger
251
00:13:36,797 --> 00:13:39,720
but mastering fishing
in a single day.
252
00:13:41,706 --> 00:13:43,760
Have you ever seen
Bono do this?
253
00:13:43,837 --> 00:13:45,440
- Angelina Jolie?
- No.
254
00:13:45,517 --> 00:13:49,261
Both of them well respected
for their charitable work.
255
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:52,049
I haven't seen them
in the sea hauling nets.
256
00:13:52,201 --> 00:13:53,804
Or David Beckham.
257
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:58,480
Eventually our catch
was on board.
258
00:14:00,430 --> 00:14:03,167
We've got eight plus one
that got out in the boat.
259
00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:06,245
And, to make matters worse...
260
00:14:06,437 --> 00:14:08,203
(Thunder rumbles)
261
00:14:08,535 --> 00:14:10,163
There's a big squall coming.
262
00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:12,000
Yep, I can see it.
That'll be it.
263
00:14:12,077 --> 00:14:13,403
(Wind howls)
264
00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:16,542
Urgh! It's getting
quite hairy out here now.
265
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,400
(Thunderclaps)
266
00:14:26,004 --> 00:14:27,804
We're all on board.
267
00:14:28,604 --> 00:14:30,644
You can't row in this.
268
00:14:31,462 --> 00:14:33,705
If we lift up the anchor,
269
00:14:33,946 --> 00:14:36,346
the wind will blow us
onto the shore.
270
00:14:36,414 --> 00:14:37,460
That's good.
271
00:14:37,562 --> 00:14:41,522
Or we might just miss it
and end up in Madagascar.
272
00:14:41,677 --> 00:14:42,883
Or Somalia.
273
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:45,483
- Yeah.
- What's Madagascar like?
274
00:14:45,613 --> 00:14:47,840
- Better than Somalia.
- Yeah.
275
00:14:48,097 --> 00:14:52,706
Faced with the prospect of
being kidnapped by pirates...
276
00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:56,143
we bravely decided to
abandon the boat we'd borrowed
277
00:14:56,243 --> 00:14:59,808
and the fish we'd caught, and
hitch a ride back to the harbour
278
00:14:59,879 --> 00:15:01,362
with the film crew.
279
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:03,760
Oh, bollocks!
280
00:15:09,086 --> 00:15:12,824
The next day, though,
things started to look up.
281
00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:14,880
We went off fishing
this morning,
282
00:15:14,957 --> 00:15:17,003
before the camera crews
were up,
283
00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:19,760
and we've had a much more
successful morning, much more.
284
00:15:19,837 --> 00:15:21,683
This is the result.
285
00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:23,723
I caught the dorado by hand,
in fact.
286
00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:25,699
That was quite a wrestling match.
I remember watching that.
287
00:15:25,766 --> 00:15:28,489
I was hauling these in
at the time, all of them.
288
00:15:28,557 --> 00:15:32,080
Anyway, we've got a lot of
fish that we caught ourselves,
289
00:15:32,157 --> 00:15:35,123
without the crew,
early this morning.
290
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:39,600
RICHARD: And now it was time to load them
into our fish transportation vehicles.
291
00:15:41,932 --> 00:15:43,972
JEREMY:
That is an octopus, look.
292
00:15:44,142 --> 00:15:45,948
You can see its face,
293
00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:50,144
the surprise from when James
wrestled it. Look at that.
294
00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:53,240
With a cheese sauce, got a
thermidor going on right there.
295
00:15:53,317 --> 00:15:56,280
They will be kept succulent
and fresh
296
00:15:56,357 --> 00:15:58,603
for the journey to Bingo.
297
00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:00,883
Right, come on, matey.
In the big tank.
298
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,680
You'll like it
with your mates.
299
00:16:04,220 --> 00:16:06,700
Hey, hey, hey! Look at that!
300
00:16:06,791 --> 00:16:09,037
(Bleep)
301
00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:10,933
Sorry, mate. Sorry.
302
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:14,120
Sorry. Oh, he's sandy.
303
00:16:14,197 --> 00:16:16,283
Oh, bollocks.
304
00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:19,000
I'll rinse him off.
There you go.
305
00:16:19,077 --> 00:16:21,643
He's OK.
306
00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:24,523
So it goes in its mouth
and out of its anus?
307
00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:26,200
No. It'll go in its mouth
308
00:16:26,277 --> 00:16:28,843
and then I imagine
out of its gill.
309
00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:32,083
No, it needs to go through its anus,
then it goes through its whole body.
310
00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:34,840
It goes through the gill, not threaded
all the way through the fish!
311
00:16:34,917 --> 00:16:37,316
If I were to dry you... -Can
somebody come and open the lid?
312
00:16:37,384 --> 00:16:39,907
- No, I'm busy with him.
- Open the lid!
313
00:16:40,117 --> 00:16:41,283
(Bleep)
314
00:16:41,813 --> 00:16:43,893
- (SPLASH)
- Oh, yeah.
315
00:16:45,457 --> 00:16:47,457
- Admire.
- Now what do you do?
316
00:16:47,909 --> 00:16:50,956
Hang it on here.
317
00:16:51,237 --> 00:16:54,840
JEREMY: Eventually the loading
and the hanging were complete
318
00:16:55,237 --> 00:16:57,120
and we were ready.
319
00:16:58,137 --> 00:17:00,339
OK, it's time now...
320
00:17:00,439 --> 00:17:03,239
Nobody's ever said this
on a car show before.
321
00:17:03,448 --> 00:17:05,211
To save the world.
322
00:17:05,311 --> 00:17:07,834
(Ignition,
engine chokes)
323
00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:12,040
(Engine juddering)
324
00:17:15,360 --> 00:17:17,803
- (ENGINE FIRES UP)
- There you go.
325
00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:21,160
Right, forward into saving
the world. This is it.
326
00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:25,080
Oh, my God! Oh. Oh.
327
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:29,240
Stupid...
What the hell is...?
328
00:17:29,317 --> 00:17:31,003
Oh, Lord above!
329
00:17:31,071 --> 00:17:34,472
What manner of thing
is happening here?
330
00:17:34,776 --> 00:17:36,480
Still, could be worse.
331
00:17:36,557 --> 00:17:39,440
Oh, it's steering me,
I'm not steering it.
332
00:17:39,517 --> 00:17:41,843
It is steering me! Oh!
333
00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:45,995
Ladies and gentlemen, it
is with great... -(SPLOSH)
334
00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:49,378
Ladies and gentlemen,
it is with great...
335
00:17:51,350 --> 00:17:54,081
It is with great pride
and humility
336
00:17:54,149 --> 00:17:58,019
that I accept this award
for... Urgh!
337
00:18:00,761 --> 00:18:02,164
Ah, Tarmac!
338
00:18:02,437 --> 00:18:04,550
That's better!
339
00:18:08,961 --> 00:18:13,441
JEREMY: Our mercy mission would
take us through the city of Maputo
340
00:18:13,643 --> 00:18:18,956
and then 200 miles north,
to the tiny village of Bingo.
341
00:18:20,868 --> 00:18:23,068
The great thing about
this particular vehicle
342
00:18:23,191 --> 00:18:27,458
is that it has a 3.2-litre
four-cylinder diesel engine.
343
00:18:27,526 --> 00:18:30,347
That's a great deal of power,
it'll get me there quickly.
344
00:18:30,472 --> 00:18:36,563
This is what Angelina and Bob
Geldof and Bono don't realise.
345
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:40,563
It's all very well singing
songs and adopting children.
346
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:43,523
What you actually need is
a big, powerful engine,
347
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:45,612
and that's what I've got
in my Hardbody.
348
00:18:49,372 --> 00:18:52,245
Everybody I pass, you can see the
light dawning in their eyes.
349
00:18:52,313 --> 00:18:54,439
"Why didn't we
think of that?"
350
00:18:54,538 --> 00:18:57,667
Every morning in future there'll
be a fleet of fishing boats
351
00:18:57,837 --> 00:18:59,240
coming in to shore here
352
00:18:59,317 --> 00:19:01,043
and a fleet of these bikes
353
00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:02,880
waiting to collect the fish
354
00:19:02,957 --> 00:19:04,520
and transport it inland,
355
00:19:04,597 --> 00:19:07,667
And it's what, 200 miles?
356
00:19:07,831 --> 00:19:11,963
I reckon on a bike,
a good rider could get in
357
00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:15,240
two or even three fish trips
a day.
358
00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:19,440
See, it's brilliant,
isn't it?
359
00:19:19,517 --> 00:19:21,483
Yeah. It's a brilliant idea!
360
00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:24,433
You're gonna want to do it!
It's a great business!
361
00:19:24,511 --> 00:19:27,019
Yeah, you see!
This is like Lions' Den,
362
00:19:27,087 --> 00:19:29,026
Dragons' Den, whatever.
The Den.
363
00:19:29,094 --> 00:19:30,347
That show with Alan Sugar on.
364
00:19:30,415 --> 00:19:32,258
He means Donald Trump.
365
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:35,640
Temperatures and pressures
are OK.
366
00:19:35,708 --> 00:19:36,933
Tank is full of water.
367
00:19:37,001 --> 00:19:38,784
Quick look at my fish.
Yes, there's one.
368
00:19:38,861 --> 00:19:42,609
He's looking pretty happy.
Why wouldn't he be? He's in the sea.
369
00:19:42,677 --> 00:19:44,600
He doesn't know
he's in a car.
370
00:19:44,677 --> 00:19:46,363
Fish are not, you know...
371
00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:48,187
They don't have
a big intellect.
372
00:19:50,460 --> 00:19:54,374
Overtaking
the Leaning Bus of Pisa!
373
00:19:57,451 --> 00:20:00,291
So here we are.
We've done 40 miles already.
374
00:20:00,359 --> 00:20:04,685
We're on a velvet-smooth,
almost Austrian road,
375
00:20:05,070 --> 00:20:06,282
heading towards Bingo.
376
00:20:06,350 --> 00:20:08,369
We should be there
in a couple of hours.
377
00:20:08,437 --> 00:20:11,030
Easiest thing I've ever done.
Easiest.
378
00:20:11,984 --> 00:20:14,929
In fact, since things
were going so smoothly,
379
00:20:15,046 --> 00:20:17,562
I decided to amuse myself.
380
00:20:17,780 --> 00:20:20,905
Ready, steady and
brake-testing James May.
381
00:20:26,194 --> 00:20:29,562
- Git!
- (CHORTLES)
382
00:20:29,630 --> 00:20:31,870
You're not helping with
the transport of my fish.
383
00:20:32,149 --> 00:20:33,992
This is supposed to be
a group effort.
384
00:20:34,117 --> 00:20:36,563
Don't be
such a petulant child.
385
00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:39,765
Oh, someone's fallen over in the road.
Nothing I can do.
386
00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:42,320
(James cackles)
387
00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:51,265
A few miles further on,
though,
388
00:20:51,333 --> 00:20:54,099
the smooth Tarmac ran out.
389
00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:57,680
And because Hammond had
rejected my anus suggestion
390
00:20:57,757 --> 00:20:59,483
and used gills instead,
391
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:02,093
it caused him some problems.
392
00:21:04,492 --> 00:21:07,944
JEREMY: Hammond, you just
lost 90% of your fish.
393
00:21:08,565 --> 00:21:09,913
Oh, no, did I?
394
00:21:11,815 --> 00:21:13,890
Oh, he's lost another one!
395
00:21:14,361 --> 00:21:17,069
JAMES: I've just run over
a fish. Should I worry?
396
00:21:17,165 --> 00:21:19,365
Oh, mate, you're gonna be
running over more than one.
397
00:21:19,442 --> 00:21:22,601
Hammond is losing them
at a rate of knots.
398
00:21:23,954 --> 00:21:26,124
Two more just went there,
Hammond.
399
00:21:26,265 --> 00:21:28,368
Oh, God!
400
00:21:28,437 --> 00:21:30,040
And another one.
401
00:21:30,125 --> 00:21:32,085
He's gonna have...
And another one.
402
00:21:32,162 --> 00:21:34,568
No fish at all.
And another.
403
00:21:34,645 --> 00:21:37,565
JAMES: This fish delivery was
supposed to be targeted.
404
00:21:37,642 --> 00:21:41,368
What you're doing is carpet-bombing
Mozambique with bream.
405
00:21:41,445 --> 00:21:43,445
RICHARD: It's the principle
I'm proving.
406
00:21:43,522 --> 00:21:45,212
I'm not trying
to feed them all in one go.
407
00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:47,805
I'm trying to show them
how to feed themselves.
408
00:21:47,873 --> 00:21:50,228
What a blithering idiot.
409
00:21:53,001 --> 00:21:54,860
The inside of the
windscreen's filthy
410
00:21:54,962 --> 00:21:59,126
because of... dollops of
sea water hitting it.
411
00:22:15,485 --> 00:22:18,445
I'm delighted to say
it's now spitting with rain,
412
00:22:18,522 --> 00:22:21,665
which of course is filling up
my water bucket.
413
00:22:21,885 --> 00:22:26,488
That's the sort of recycling that
will leave Prince Charles breathless.
414
00:22:26,565 --> 00:22:30,540
When I go for my knighthood, he'll
probably bring it up, I should imagine.
415
00:22:32,165 --> 00:22:35,618
(MIMICS CHARLES) What gave
you the idea of recycling?
416
00:22:35,922 --> 00:22:40,085
I think this is so inventive,
it really is.
417
00:22:41,454 --> 00:22:43,915
- Urgh!
- Sorry.
418
00:22:43,985 --> 00:22:46,285
No point drying them if you're
gonna soak them! -Sorry.
419
00:22:47,979 --> 00:22:49,462
Argh!
420
00:22:49,562 --> 00:22:51,654
Sorry, Hammond.
Did some of that go on you?
421
00:22:51,722 --> 00:22:55,813
RICHARD: What's the point of me drying
fish if you then get them wet in a puddle?
422
00:22:57,885 --> 00:23:02,524
JEREMY: It was still another
150 miles to Bingo.
423
00:23:02,790 --> 00:23:06,070
But we were confident
that even on these roads,
424
00:23:06,179 --> 00:23:08,342
we'd get there by nightfall.
425
00:23:11,085 --> 00:23:14,845
Soon, though, the going
started to get much worse.
426
00:23:16,085 --> 00:23:17,725
JAMES: Not so good.
427
00:23:17,802 --> 00:23:19,563
Steady, steady.
428
00:23:21,985 --> 00:23:23,313
Shit!
429
00:23:23,381 --> 00:23:25,251
That's a massive rut. Oh, no!
430
00:23:31,377 --> 00:23:33,298
Argh! (BLEEP)
431
00:23:38,133 --> 00:23:40,093
Come on!
432
00:23:41,885 --> 00:23:44,649
Hammond cannot possibly
make this.
433
00:23:45,365 --> 00:23:47,248
Oh, no! Not again!
434
00:23:47,325 --> 00:23:50,384
It's getting quite struggly
now for him.
435
00:23:52,085 --> 00:23:55,405
But actually it was the
ruggedly dependable Mercedes
436
00:23:55,482 --> 00:23:57,525
that was the first to crack.
437
00:23:57,602 --> 00:23:59,126
(Engine cuts out)
438
00:24:00,873 --> 00:24:03,196
JAMES: That was going well.
439
00:24:03,297 --> 00:24:05,100
JEREMY:
What's the matter, May?
440
00:24:05,270 --> 00:24:07,550
It cut out when I went
through the puddle.
441
00:24:07,643 --> 00:24:11,079
Getting water on something
or in something.
442
00:24:11,685 --> 00:24:14,005
I'm trying to work out
what I can do about that.
443
00:24:15,223 --> 00:24:16,503
Nothing.
444
00:24:17,934 --> 00:24:21,014
However, because we were
all working as a team,
445
00:24:21,082 --> 00:24:23,845
we had to wait until
his engine dried out.
446
00:24:23,922 --> 00:24:26,488
(Engine starts)
447
00:24:26,565 --> 00:24:28,328
Right, let's go.
448
00:24:28,405 --> 00:24:31,524
Sadly, though,
this wasn't a one-off.
449
00:24:32,565 --> 00:24:35,288
(Engine cuts out)
450
00:24:35,365 --> 00:24:38,845
JAMES: Hang on a minute. It's killed it.
Give it a minute, it'll go.
451
00:24:41,165 --> 00:24:44,168
- (ENGINE CUTS OUT)
- Bugger!
452
00:24:44,245 --> 00:24:46,208
(Engine fails to start)
453
00:24:46,285 --> 00:24:49,085
JEREMY: What's the news?
Is your car working or not?
454
00:24:49,162 --> 00:24:52,634
JAMES: I've got to wait for
a minute and a half.
455
00:24:54,925 --> 00:24:57,928
(Engine cuts out)
456
00:24:58,005 --> 00:25:02,248
JEREMY: Why did you have to break down
there, you clodhoppy old imbecile?
457
00:25:02,517 --> 00:25:06,298
There's nothing I can do. Sorry, I
have to wait for a minute and a half.
458
00:25:08,365 --> 00:25:10,805
How have I put up with him
for so long?
459
00:25:12,605 --> 00:25:14,525
The slow progress of
the Mercedes
460
00:25:14,602 --> 00:25:16,608
was now causing me problems,
461
00:25:16,685 --> 00:25:21,368
because the skies were dry and my
water bucket was nearly empty.
462
00:25:24,005 --> 00:25:26,394
He keeps breaking down
in front of me and then going,
463
00:25:26,462 --> 00:25:28,175
"It's a minute and a half.
You have to wait."
464
00:25:28,242 --> 00:25:30,774
And it isn't a minute and a
half, it's about 15 minutes.
465
00:25:30,892 --> 00:25:34,517
I must get ice. We can't afford
to wait for him bumbling around.
466
00:25:34,649 --> 00:25:37,235
No, you do need more ice.
You need more water.
467
00:25:37,345 --> 00:25:40,915
JEREMY: I know we said we'd work as a
team and we are working as a team.
468
00:25:41,162 --> 00:25:45,103
- And the teamwork is, leaving him behind.
- Yeah, as a team.
469
00:25:47,029 --> 00:25:50,472
With that decision made,
we set off.
470
00:25:51,282 --> 00:25:54,485
Come on, little bike.
Keep going, baby. Keep going.
471
00:25:55,528 --> 00:25:58,399
Mostly the progress was good.
472
00:25:59,445 --> 00:26:01,365
(Groans with frustration)
473
00:26:04,719 --> 00:26:05,931
Sorry.
474
00:26:05,999 --> 00:26:08,306
That was not on purpose.
475
00:26:11,071 --> 00:26:13,365
Let's find out
what lies in here for you.
476
00:26:13,442 --> 00:26:15,325
Come on!
477
00:26:17,627 --> 00:26:19,427
(Jeremy laughs)
478
00:26:21,365 --> 00:26:23,208
Oh, deary me.
479
00:26:23,631 --> 00:26:25,954
I think you've drowned
your hog.
480
00:26:26,022 --> 00:26:28,406
Hammond insisted I get out
and help.
481
00:26:28,474 --> 00:26:32,755
But it was all muddy, so
I came up with a better idea.
482
00:26:36,169 --> 00:26:37,732
Urgh...
483
00:26:38,153 --> 00:26:40,349
It's working!
484
00:26:40,669 --> 00:26:44,559
This is impressive delicacy from
Clarkson here. I'm staggered.
485
00:26:44,842 --> 00:26:46,809
How gentle was that?
486
00:26:46,877 --> 00:26:49,489
You were extraordinarily
gentle.
487
00:26:49,925 --> 00:26:51,981
You know
that'll never work again?
488
00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:54,888
It will. -It was £800
from a supermarket.
489
00:26:54,965 --> 00:26:56,965
The handlebars have come off.
490
00:26:57,544 --> 00:26:59,725
(Starts engine)
491
00:27:03,005 --> 00:27:05,285
You're blowing water
out of your exhaust pipe.
492
00:27:05,362 --> 00:27:07,770
- (REVS)
- No way!
493
00:27:08,102 --> 00:27:10,542
RICHARD: Oh, come on!
- (REVS ENGINE)
494
00:27:10,722 --> 00:27:13,757
Why did Ewan McGregor use
a BMW GS?
495
00:27:13,825 --> 00:27:15,845
I don't know. They're very
expensive and...
496
00:27:15,922 --> 00:27:17,328
He wasted his money.
497
00:27:17,537 --> 00:27:19,958
- (REVS HEARTILY)
- I'm staggered!
498
00:27:21,085 --> 00:27:23,925
RICHARD:
Meanwhile, much further back,
499
00:27:24,002 --> 00:27:27,205
the soggy dog
was not being so lucky.
500
00:27:27,282 --> 00:27:29,605
(Engine splutters)
501
00:27:32,205 --> 00:27:34,125
(Engine off)
502
00:27:35,445 --> 00:27:37,231
One and a half minutes.
503
00:27:40,205 --> 00:27:43,368
JEREMY:
As the afternoon wore on,
504
00:27:43,445 --> 00:27:45,974
the roads became
even worse...
505
00:27:49,085 --> 00:27:50,568
Come on!
506
00:27:50,645 --> 00:27:54,805
And the human terrapin was
really starting to slow me down.
507
00:27:58,205 --> 00:28:01,114
Right, my bucket is now
officially dry.
508
00:28:01,239 --> 00:28:05,045
I have got to get to a source
of fresh, clean water
509
00:28:05,122 --> 00:28:07,728
before that ice melts.
510
00:28:07,805 --> 00:28:09,808
RICHARD: Come on!
511
00:28:09,885 --> 00:28:13,208
Holy shit,
I am now in the sea!
512
00:28:13,285 --> 00:28:17,005
Hammond, we've got to get to the next town.
Can we stop messing about?
513
00:28:17,082 --> 00:28:19,048
- I'm not messing about.
- You are.
514
00:28:19,125 --> 00:28:21,911
I'm not messing about!
There are no words!
515
00:28:23,642 --> 00:28:25,362
(Engine revs)
516
00:28:26,903 --> 00:28:28,906
It's come out of gear.
Come on.
517
00:28:29,085 --> 00:28:31,497
Come on, Hammond,
we're running out of ice.
518
00:28:32,565 --> 00:28:34,614
- (THUD)
- Ooh, bollocks!
519
00:28:37,765 --> 00:28:40,763
Oh, that's a tragic
spectacle, it really is.
520
00:28:43,205 --> 00:28:45,013
This is...
521
00:28:46,285 --> 00:28:48,895
I don't even like fish!
522
00:28:49,256 --> 00:28:54,059
JEREMY: Eventually I had no choice but
to abandon my remaining colleague.
523
00:28:55,445 --> 00:28:58,661
I don't even know how far
away the next town is.
524
00:28:59,138 --> 00:29:03,606
But I have got to get there
before the last of the ice melts.
525
00:29:04,577 --> 00:29:06,297
I've got to get some water,
526
00:29:06,890 --> 00:29:08,773
and it's going dark.
527
00:29:09,493 --> 00:29:11,377
Anyone can sing
Feed The World.
528
00:29:11,445 --> 00:29:15,059
It's actually quite difficult, though,
as it's turning out, to do it,
529
00:29:15,405 --> 00:29:17,663
especially if you have
a motorcycle or a Mercedes
530
00:29:17,731 --> 00:29:19,974
that you've converted
into an aquarium.
531
00:29:20,242 --> 00:29:21,966
(Engine spluttering)
532
00:29:24,445 --> 00:29:26,368
Come on, keep going.
533
00:29:26,567 --> 00:29:28,388
Keep going, German.
534
00:29:28,614 --> 00:29:29,725
That's marvellous.
535
00:29:31,125 --> 00:29:32,568
(Engine dies)
536
00:29:32,645 --> 00:29:35,638
Bugger! Bollocks and arse!
537
00:29:37,287 --> 00:29:40,489
JEREMY: However,
after total darkness fell...
538
00:29:42,598 --> 00:29:46,872
solid teamwork meant
I was in good shape.
539
00:29:49,445 --> 00:29:51,843
Right, on the upside,
I found a town,
540
00:29:51,911 --> 00:29:53,848
well,
some kind of settlement,
541
00:29:53,925 --> 00:29:55,520
where I've got water
and I've got ice,
542
00:29:55,588 --> 00:29:57,038
so the fish are fine.
543
00:29:57,106 --> 00:29:59,095
On the downside,
544
00:29:59,165 --> 00:30:02,488
we've just found out I'm not
even halfway to Bingo.
545
00:30:02,565 --> 00:30:05,685
It's the middle of the night
and Hammond and May are hours,
546
00:30:05,762 --> 00:30:08,966
three, four hours, behind me.
547
00:30:09,205 --> 00:30:11,125
So do I wait for them?
548
00:30:12,685 --> 00:30:15,605
(Engine chokes
and sputters)
549
00:30:18,931 --> 00:30:22,583
Oh, dear. Right. Calm.
550
00:30:27,125 --> 00:30:29,448
(Engine cuts out)
551
00:30:29,525 --> 00:30:30,965
RICHARD: Bollocks!
552
00:30:32,521 --> 00:30:35,622
(Engine judders
and cuts out)
553
00:30:47,122 --> 00:30:52,036
RICHARD: Amazingly, the morning
revealed that Jeremy had waited for us,
554
00:30:52,104 --> 00:30:54,347
so our convoy was reunited.
555
00:30:54,966 --> 00:30:58,786
But before we could set off,
I had to repair my bike
556
00:30:58,879 --> 00:31:02,724
and James had to refill
his depleted water tank.
557
00:31:03,285 --> 00:31:04,925
So, water is just...
558
00:31:05,002 --> 00:31:07,263
- No, don't do...
- Oh, God.
559
00:31:07,836 --> 00:31:11,076
I don't particularly want to see
you, just to be absolutely clear.
560
00:31:11,162 --> 00:31:14,231
Why? -Well, I got here at 4am,
561
00:31:14,372 --> 00:31:17,310
wet, with consumption,
smelling like a damp dog.
562
00:31:17,450 --> 00:31:20,165
Tried to sleep in the car,
and what did I hear?
563
00:31:20,278 --> 00:31:22,153
- No idea.
- Snoring.
564
00:31:22,383 --> 00:31:23,906
Your car snoring.
565
00:31:24,085 --> 00:31:26,351
That bloody generator is like
someone snoring,
566
00:31:26,419 --> 00:31:28,048
but without the pauses
in the breaths.
567
00:31:28,125 --> 00:31:30,189
The generator is necessary
to keep my fish fresh.
568
00:31:30,257 --> 00:31:32,448
- Where's your water gone?
- On my head.
569
00:31:32,525 --> 00:31:34,008
Anyway,
we've got to make more water.
570
00:31:34,085 --> 00:31:35,768
This is water.
I was just about to explain
571
00:31:35,844 --> 00:31:38,440
that that is normal water which we're
all familiar with. You drink it.
572
00:31:38,508 --> 00:31:40,405
Sea water is salty.
We all know that as well.
573
00:31:40,482 --> 00:31:43,205
- I know, I brought you some salt.
- It's not that sort of salt.
574
00:31:43,282 --> 00:31:45,045
- It's salt.
- That's table salt.
575
00:31:45,122 --> 00:31:47,528
Exactly. Sea salt has
extra minerals in.
576
00:31:47,605 --> 00:31:49,430
That doesn't.
That's been refined.
577
00:31:49,539 --> 00:31:52,617
This is sea salt.
So we have to work out...
578
00:31:52,685 --> 00:31:56,288
I'll show you. Normal water.
Needle at the bottom.
579
00:31:56,365 --> 00:31:59,368
We have to mix enough salt
to put the needle on there,
580
00:31:59,445 --> 00:32:01,048
right at the top of
the scale.
581
00:32:01,125 --> 00:32:02,805
I know that's 25 litres,
because...
582
00:32:02,882 --> 00:32:05,525
Hold on. No. If you're doing
25 litres at a time...
583
00:32:05,602 --> 00:32:08,688
I'm doing 25 litres to work
out how much salt to put in.
584
00:32:08,765 --> 00:32:11,125
- We're going to be here all morning...
- No, we're not.
585
00:32:11,202 --> 00:32:14,128
Because you have to fill your
entire tank up! -So what should I do?
586
00:32:14,205 --> 00:32:16,191
Why are you so angry with me?
I've come to help.
587
00:32:16,259 --> 00:32:18,425
You haven't come to help. I could
have almost done it by now.
588
00:32:18,493 --> 00:32:20,081
You're just standing there
being fatuous
589
00:32:20,149 --> 00:32:24,245
and bringing a thing of salt from a
seaside café from the 1950s in Morecambe.
590
00:32:24,322 --> 00:32:26,500
Bugger off. Please.
591
00:32:26,756 --> 00:32:29,196
- Well, get on with it.
- Go away.
592
00:32:32,805 --> 00:32:36,250
Right, so, we know that's... -Don't talk.
Just get on with it.
593
00:32:37,365 --> 00:32:39,605
JAMES:
Having refilled my tank...
594
00:32:39,682 --> 00:32:43,165
That should be close enough
for my fishy friends.
595
00:32:44,784 --> 00:32:48,904
Our convoy continued on
its mercy mission to Bingo.
596
00:32:52,725 --> 00:32:54,608
I've rigged up a really
rudimentary tarpaulin
597
00:32:54,685 --> 00:32:56,094
to try and reduce
the splashing
598
00:32:56,165 --> 00:32:57,928
and give the fish
a better chance.
599
00:32:59,205 --> 00:33:01,288
It does smell so rank in here
600
00:33:01,365 --> 00:33:04,128
and I haven't even got
the excuse of dead fish.
601
00:33:04,205 --> 00:33:07,525
I think I've got crotch rot from
sitting in my own wet underpants
602
00:33:07,602 --> 00:33:09,860
for 16 hours yesterday.
603
00:33:13,263 --> 00:33:16,594
JEREMY: Is that an octopus on
the back of your bike now?
604
00:33:16,842 --> 00:33:18,430
Yes.
605
00:33:18,920 --> 00:33:22,243
- Where did you get that from?
- Found it in a pond.
606
00:33:22,485 --> 00:33:25,725
Hammond, have you emptied out
the back of my pick-up truck
607
00:33:25,802 --> 00:33:29,125
to reload your ridiculous
drying system?
608
00:33:29,202 --> 00:33:31,008
No. I went fishing.
609
00:33:31,085 --> 00:33:33,525
- Did you?
- It's a freshwater octopus.
610
00:33:33,602 --> 00:33:38,045
Mozambique freshwater octopus.
They're quite famous but very rare.
611
00:33:39,590 --> 00:33:41,070
I hate him.
612
00:33:45,005 --> 00:33:48,045
Right, yesterday
we covered 100 miles.
613
00:33:48,122 --> 00:33:52,516
Today... Well, we've still
got 100 miles to go
614
00:33:53,525 --> 00:33:57,571
and none of it from what
I hear is on Tarmac.
615
00:33:58,365 --> 00:34:02,352
RICHARD: For me, that was a
particularly terrifying prospect.
616
00:34:02,642 --> 00:34:04,488
Oh, no. Red dust.
617
00:34:04,565 --> 00:34:06,688
Oh, God, here we go.
618
00:34:09,226 --> 00:34:12,586
It doesn't look like anything
much, but this soft red sand
619
00:34:12,674 --> 00:34:15,063
sits on a very hard
subsurface
620
00:34:15,180 --> 00:34:19,045
and it is simply impossible
to ride a bike over.
621
00:34:19,122 --> 00:34:21,266
It just has no grip.
622
00:34:23,184 --> 00:34:25,667
Shit!
623
00:34:25,925 --> 00:34:28,075
(Laughter)
624
00:34:28,169 --> 00:34:30,885
Front end gone away from me.
625
00:34:36,285 --> 00:34:38,765
JEREMY: There's only another
100 miles of this, Hammond.
626
00:34:39,832 --> 00:34:41,352
(Bleep)
627
00:34:42,605 --> 00:34:44,568
RICHARD: I can't do it.
628
00:34:44,645 --> 00:34:48,488
You heard it, ladies and
gentlemen. "I can't do it."
629
00:34:48,565 --> 00:34:52,165
He's not bothered about
world hunger, world poverty.
630
00:34:52,319 --> 00:34:53,922
Just himself.
631
00:34:57,805 --> 00:35:00,968
Oh! Ooh! Argh!
632
00:35:01,045 --> 00:35:04,045
After a while, though,
Hammond decided to be brave,
633
00:35:04,122 --> 00:35:06,688
with hilarious consequences.
634
00:35:06,765 --> 00:35:09,005
Come on, stop it. (BLEEP)
635
00:35:10,965 --> 00:35:13,338
(BLEEP)
Shit!
636
00:35:14,833 --> 00:35:19,518
Oh! Here we go again.
Yep. No. Yep. Come on.
637
00:35:19,893 --> 00:35:23,128
Do you know, James? It's
actually possible to get bored
638
00:35:23,205 --> 00:35:25,605
with watching Hammond
fall off a motorcycle.
639
00:35:27,202 --> 00:35:30,685
(BLEEP) Bollocks!
640
00:35:31,365 --> 00:35:36,525
So let's just add up the amount of times
I've fallen off my Datsun Hardbody.
641
00:35:39,648 --> 00:35:41,611
Yep. None.
642
00:35:41,845 --> 00:35:43,325
Because it's got four wheels.
643
00:35:43,402 --> 00:35:49,488
JAMES: Meanwhile, the drier roads meant
my Mercedes was working well too.
644
00:35:49,565 --> 00:35:51,408
Temperature stays spot-on.
645
00:35:51,485 --> 00:35:54,510
Oil pressure goes up and down
a bit, but there is some.
646
00:35:55,285 --> 00:35:58,245
Clock is still right.
25 past one.
647
00:35:58,322 --> 00:36:02,104
This car is running
as sweet as a nut.
648
00:36:03,405 --> 00:36:05,128
(Sniffs)
649
00:36:05,205 --> 00:36:07,125
Electrical fire.
650
00:36:11,445 --> 00:36:15,448
Something's badly on fire on the
right-hand side of this car.
651
00:36:15,525 --> 00:36:17,365
JEREMY: I can't
understand how in a car
652
00:36:17,442 --> 00:36:20,168
made almost entirely from
water, he's on fire.
653
00:36:20,245 --> 00:36:23,765
JAMES: That's the weird thing.
Water with electrics causes fires.
654
00:36:23,842 --> 00:36:28,085
That's why we have a different type of
fire extinguisher for electrical fires.
655
00:36:28,162 --> 00:36:31,065
He's even managing to make
a car fire boring.
656
00:36:33,525 --> 00:36:35,510
It's electric.
I can smell it.
657
00:36:37,170 --> 00:36:39,937
Keen to do my bit
for health and safety,
658
00:36:40,005 --> 00:36:43,568
I asked one of our camera team
to modify James's fish tank
659
00:36:43,645 --> 00:36:45,525
so that if another fire
broke out,
660
00:36:45,602 --> 00:36:49,260
there'd be plenty of water
available to put it out.
661
00:36:51,725 --> 00:36:54,112
Please don't move out.
Oh (BLEEP), here we go.
662
00:36:54,180 --> 00:36:55,586
No. Held it.
663
00:36:55,707 --> 00:37:00,018
RICHARD: Several miles back, my
life was as miserable as ever.
664
00:37:00,725 --> 00:37:02,637
Oh, God. It's the waiting
that kills you.
665
00:37:02,705 --> 00:37:05,252
I'm just waiting for it
to let go.
666
00:37:07,685 --> 00:37:10,165
This is like being told you're
gonna get the electric chair.
667
00:37:10,242 --> 00:37:13,348
"We'll put you in it
and just leave you in it.
668
00:37:13,416 --> 00:37:15,845
Sometime,
probably in the next hour,
669
00:37:15,922 --> 00:37:18,925
or the next week,
we'll flick the switch."
670
00:37:20,655 --> 00:37:23,479
Oh! Bollocks!
671
00:37:48,445 --> 00:37:50,485
Sod 'em!
672
00:37:52,445 --> 00:37:56,100
JAMES: Fire taken care of,
I was now back on the move.
673
00:37:57,605 --> 00:37:59,408
All right, fellas?
674
00:37:59,485 --> 00:38:01,405
I'm sort of assuming
the fish are boys.
675
00:38:01,482 --> 00:38:06,045
But some of them must be girls. Do you
get girl and boy fishies? You must do.
676
00:38:06,122 --> 00:38:07,768
(Horn beeps)
677
00:38:07,845 --> 00:38:10,485
He needs to watch where
he's going, that boy.
678
00:38:21,805 --> 00:38:24,679
JEREMY: Meanwhile,
up ahead in the Hardbody...
679
00:38:26,525 --> 00:38:28,952
I'd run into
a spot of bother.
680
00:38:36,725 --> 00:38:40,257
- What's up?
- Ice machine's broken.
681
00:38:41,005 --> 00:38:43,324
How does sawing your bonnet
up mend your ice machine?
682
00:38:43,392 --> 00:38:45,207
I've had a brilliant idea
and I'm glad you're here,
683
00:38:45,275 --> 00:38:46,910
actually, cos you can give me a hand.
684
00:38:47,208 --> 00:38:51,014
No, seriously, James.
Most of our fish are in...
685
00:38:53,232 --> 00:38:55,374
The good fish are in here.
686
00:38:55,810 --> 00:38:58,108
(Toots horn)
687
00:38:58,991 --> 00:39:02,794
90% of our fish are in the
back of my pick-up truck
688
00:39:02,965 --> 00:39:04,725
and he's just driven off.
689
00:39:08,565 --> 00:39:09,925
(Hammering)
690
00:39:11,085 --> 00:39:12,535
- (MOTORBIKE APPROACHES)
- There's Hammond.
691
00:39:12,602 --> 00:39:14,808
- Hello.
- Hello.
692
00:39:15,056 --> 00:39:17,538
- Behold, my gen...
- Yeah, fascinating.
693
00:39:21,685 --> 00:39:25,741
Well, there we are. He's just done
100 yards without falling off.
694
00:39:27,925 --> 00:39:31,168
Eventually, my new fish
preservation solution
695
00:39:31,245 --> 00:39:32,913
was up and running.
696
00:39:38,032 --> 00:39:41,767
What I've done is I've rerouted the exhaust
through the bonnet, over the cabbie
697
00:39:41,835 --> 00:39:43,921
into the load area
where the fish are,
698
00:39:44,179 --> 00:39:46,382
which is now covered with
a tonneau cover.
699
00:39:47,877 --> 00:39:49,965
Then I've adjusted the
fuelling on the engine,
700
00:39:50,042 --> 00:39:54,488
so now it's producing thick,
lumpy black smoke
701
00:39:54,565 --> 00:39:56,968
which of course is smoking
the fish.
702
00:39:57,045 --> 00:39:59,111
And that's good for
the environment.
703
00:40:00,217 --> 00:40:03,700
Because normally you'd have
to have a smokery, a factory,
704
00:40:03,768 --> 00:40:08,134
and then you have to transport the
fish to wherever it is they're going.
705
00:40:08,299 --> 00:40:13,002
But what I'm doing here is I'm
making kippers as I drive along.
706
00:40:13,202 --> 00:40:14,925
Coal-rolled kippers.
707
00:40:15,166 --> 00:40:16,986
(Accelerates)
708
00:40:17,112 --> 00:40:20,995
You'd buy those.
I know I would.
709
00:40:21,205 --> 00:40:26,245
Further ahead, Bono and Angelina were
discussing the distance left to cover.
710
00:40:26,447 --> 00:40:28,568
By my very rough reckoning,
711
00:40:28,645 --> 00:40:31,245
because my speedo and
my mileometer aren't working,
712
00:40:31,322 --> 00:40:36,205
I think we've got about somewhere between
70 and 80 kilometres to go to Bingo.
713
00:40:36,282 --> 00:40:39,165
Why do they have to live
so bloody far away?
714
00:40:39,242 --> 00:40:40,765
Any fish left?
715
00:40:40,842 --> 00:40:43,697
Yes. I have two.
716
00:40:43,822 --> 00:40:46,165
But I think it's better to
arrive with two fish
717
00:40:46,242 --> 00:40:48,365
than not to arrive with ten.
718
00:40:48,442 --> 00:40:49,768
That's a parable.
719
00:40:49,845 --> 00:40:52,605
Yes, it sounds
positively Biblical, I think.
720
00:40:52,682 --> 00:40:55,143
I don't like
the look of this.
721
00:40:57,806 --> 00:40:59,726
RICHARD: Oh, bollocks!
722
00:41:02,845 --> 00:41:04,845
Geez, that's a big one.
723
00:41:14,974 --> 00:41:16,734
What is this stuff?
724
00:41:16,882 --> 00:41:18,791
JEREMY: Ooh, hello!
725
00:41:18,859 --> 00:41:21,265
My colleagues.
726
00:41:21,529 --> 00:41:24,150
JAMES: Is that you, Clarkson?
- Sure is.
727
00:41:29,365 --> 00:41:31,928
Move your bloody car, May!
728
00:41:32,005 --> 00:41:35,322
What a muppet. He's got a
four-wheel-drive pick-up truck!
729
00:41:36,822 --> 00:41:40,305
What are those bits of scaffolding
coming out of your bonnet for?
730
00:41:40,485 --> 00:41:44,125
JEREMY: I'm making kippers, or I would
be if you hadn't have blocked the way.
731
00:41:44,202 --> 00:41:45,848
Did he say "making kippers"?
732
00:41:45,925 --> 00:41:48,115
RICHARD: They look like the
handrails out of a disabled shower
733
00:41:48,182 --> 00:41:49,685
from back here.
What are they?
734
00:41:49,762 --> 00:41:52,354
- They're exhaust pipes.
- What?
735
00:41:52,645 --> 00:41:55,845
Ice machine broke. I'm now
turning them into smoked fish.
736
00:41:55,922 --> 00:41:57,688
This is a kipper factory.
737
00:41:57,765 --> 00:42:00,325
Hang on. You're smoking them
in diesel smoke?
738
00:42:00,402 --> 00:42:02,837
- Yes.
- Eh?
739
00:42:03,056 --> 00:42:04,845
- It's just smoke.
- Why do you think that's
740
00:42:04,913 --> 00:42:06,111
never been done before?
741
00:42:06,179 --> 00:42:09,392
- Nobody's thought of it.
- No. Because it's vile!
742
00:42:09,502 --> 00:42:13,262
Well, you eat wood smoke.
That's disgusting. A bonfire!
743
00:42:13,330 --> 00:42:16,470
Do you think oak-smoked fish is
the same as diesel-smoked fish?
744
00:42:16,602 --> 00:42:18,368
It's coal-rolled kippers!
745
00:42:18,445 --> 00:42:21,005
It's under there smoking? -No.
I've turned the engine off.
746
00:42:21,082 --> 00:42:24,765
JEREMY: This interesting discussion
was not helping the people of Bingo.
747
00:42:24,842 --> 00:42:28,947
So we knuckled down to the business
of getting through the mud.
748
00:42:30,279 --> 00:42:33,736
I'm gonna go behind the trees,
cos I'm narrow, so I can.
749
00:42:34,631 --> 00:42:38,220
Oh! That's a thorn tree! No!
750
00:42:38,728 --> 00:42:40,313
Oh, Christ!
751
00:42:41,405 --> 00:42:42,928
Get off!
752
00:42:43,142 --> 00:42:46,439
Meanwhile, May made me
give him a tow.
753
00:42:47,405 --> 00:42:49,650
Right, James May,
are you ready?
754
00:42:49,853 --> 00:42:51,245
Go!
755
00:42:56,920 --> 00:42:58,600
Yes!
756
00:43:01,485 --> 00:43:03,573
Come on, keep going,
keep going.
757
00:43:05,208 --> 00:43:07,425
Hang on, I'm stuck here.
I've bottomed out.
758
00:43:07,562 --> 00:43:12,433
And that's pretty much all I
did for the rest of the day.
759
00:43:14,952 --> 00:43:16,832
JAMES: So close!
760
00:43:18,950 --> 00:43:21,550
Here we go again
to tow him out.
761
00:43:23,937 --> 00:43:25,260
(Rattling)
762
00:43:25,485 --> 00:43:27,748
Listen to that CV joint.
763
00:43:29,765 --> 00:43:34,974
Damn him and his stupid aquarium
which weighs 1800 tons!
764
00:43:43,074 --> 00:43:45,146
JAMES: That's the most stuck
it's ever been.
765
00:43:45,322 --> 00:43:48,334
Oh, for Christ's sake!
766
00:43:48,527 --> 00:43:54,162
Luckily Ewan McHammond was always on
hand to provide some comic relief.
767
00:43:54,398 --> 00:43:57,467
A-ha! I can go up the middle!
You see!
768
00:44:00,077 --> 00:44:01,837
(Sniggers)
769
00:44:05,591 --> 00:44:09,751
You do realise it's entirely
possible that we won't end up
770
00:44:09,962 --> 00:44:12,545
in Bingo even today?
771
00:44:12,929 --> 00:44:15,132
Ah...
772
00:44:15,405 --> 00:44:16,768
Half past three.
773
00:44:16,845 --> 00:44:20,521
And we have done since we set off
at seven o'clock this morning...
774
00:44:21,590 --> 00:44:23,750
52 miles.
775
00:44:25,590 --> 00:44:29,230
That meant there was another
50 miles to go.
776
00:44:29,373 --> 00:44:32,945
Fortunately, however,
there was no more mud.
777
00:44:33,319 --> 00:44:37,423
Unfortunately, it was
replaced by this.
778
00:44:39,545 --> 00:44:42,915
The wettest road
I'd ever seen.
779
00:44:46,248 --> 00:44:48,829
Oh, my word,
this is a deep one.
780
00:44:51,266 --> 00:44:53,501
Discs locked, low range.
781
00:44:59,911 --> 00:45:01,556
Oh, wow!
782
00:45:05,830 --> 00:45:09,094
There's water!
A lot of water has come in!
783
00:45:10,805 --> 00:45:14,556
I am up to my anus now
in water.
784
00:45:17,362 --> 00:45:20,845
RICHARD: As Jeremy waded
through the lake,
785
00:45:21,078 --> 00:45:23,918
I found a narrow path
round the edge.
786
00:45:24,082 --> 00:45:25,587
Aha-ha!
787
00:45:25,725 --> 00:45:27,587
Look what
clever Hammond's done.
788
00:45:30,112 --> 00:45:33,212
What an incredible machine
this is.
789
00:45:35,832 --> 00:45:37,517
Look at this, Hammond.
790
00:45:39,400 --> 00:45:41,963
Oh! Oh!
791
00:45:42,205 --> 00:45:44,445
- You've got all water in it, mate.
- Yes, exactly.
792
00:45:44,522 --> 00:45:46,525
It's come up above
the level of my doors.
793
00:45:46,602 --> 00:45:49,009
Have you checked for fish?
794
00:45:49,103 --> 00:45:51,288
Look, don't be stupid.
795
00:45:51,365 --> 00:45:53,248
Given what we're doing...
796
00:45:53,325 --> 00:45:55,485
JEREMY:
With two of us safely across,
797
00:45:55,562 --> 00:45:58,925
all eyes were now on the
hopeless Macquarium.
798
00:45:59,384 --> 00:46:02,608
James, it is extremely deep.
799
00:46:02,685 --> 00:46:05,165
JAMES: Yeah, that's OK. I'll
do just a gentle bow wave
800
00:46:05,242 --> 00:46:07,845
like they do
at off-road school.
801
00:46:09,845 --> 00:46:11,285
JEREMY: Here he comes.
802
00:46:13,925 --> 00:46:15,285
There you go.
803
00:46:15,362 --> 00:46:17,245
(Gurgling)
804
00:46:18,930 --> 00:46:20,525
Oh, shit!
805
00:46:22,383 --> 00:46:23,806
Shit.
806
00:46:26,205 --> 00:46:27,568
Help!
807
00:46:27,645 --> 00:46:29,245
RICHARD: All your fish
are gonna escape!
808
00:46:29,313 --> 00:46:31,118
- Oh, bollocks.
- JEREMY: Don't let the fresh water
809
00:46:31,186 --> 00:46:32,854
get in your salt water.
810
00:46:33,251 --> 00:46:35,601
I don't give a toss about
that. Come and get me!
811
00:46:35,702 --> 00:46:37,642
I have rescued you
one million times
812
00:46:37,712 --> 00:46:41,027
and I'm not towing
that damn thing any more.
813
00:46:41,095 --> 00:46:44,368
You are breaking the CV
joints in my Hardbody.
814
00:46:45,527 --> 00:46:47,527
Having finally got fed up
with him,
815
00:46:47,595 --> 00:46:50,806
Hammond and I decided
to get radical.
816
00:46:54,645 --> 00:46:57,540
So that night,
as James slept...
817
00:47:00,117 --> 00:47:02,117
we modified his car
slightly.
818
00:47:02,242 --> 00:47:04,125
(Drilling)
819
00:47:22,631 --> 00:47:25,811
This made James
very unpleased.
820
00:47:26,014 --> 00:47:28,377
JAMES: You bastards!
821
00:47:28,682 --> 00:47:32,202
I hate you! Both of you!
822
00:47:33,647 --> 00:47:35,827
You utter bastards!
823
00:47:35,895 --> 00:47:40,702
Listen. I am prepared to tow your
bootful of water. That's important.
824
00:47:40,845 --> 00:47:42,608
I'm not gonna
tow a dead engine
825
00:47:42,685 --> 00:47:45,768
that's full of water, as well.
That's just a waste of fuel.
826
00:47:45,845 --> 00:47:49,359
Rubbish. It wasn't dead. I could have
mended that once we'd dragged it out.
827
00:47:49,492 --> 00:47:52,179
It's just the ignition. I've
done it five times already!
828
00:47:52,250 --> 00:47:54,328
You complete moron!
829
00:47:54,405 --> 00:47:57,288
I hope you get bilharzia
of the ball sack!
830
00:47:57,365 --> 00:47:59,485
Right, that's it.
He's asked for it.
831
00:47:59,562 --> 00:48:01,685
(Accelerates)
832
00:48:04,805 --> 00:48:06,929
Funny. Very funny.
833
00:48:09,605 --> 00:48:11,265
Bloody mad.
834
00:48:12,983 --> 00:48:14,734
I think you're following him
too closely.
835
00:48:14,802 --> 00:48:16,728
Why don't you sod off?
836
00:48:16,805 --> 00:48:18,965
Has it affected
the handling?
837
00:48:28,045 --> 00:48:29,640
What was that?
838
00:48:31,128 --> 00:48:35,570
Fearful that James was about to catch
cancer from my coal-rolling...
839
00:48:39,645 --> 00:48:42,685
I invited him to enter
my Hardbody.
840
00:48:44,140 --> 00:48:46,718
And was he grateful?
No.
841
00:48:47,438 --> 00:48:49,361
(Clattering)
842
00:48:49,539 --> 00:48:51,885
The ride in this thing
is appalling.
843
00:48:51,962 --> 00:48:53,848
Why is it so bad?
844
00:48:53,925 --> 00:48:56,208
If an ambulance came
to rescue you,
845
00:48:56,500 --> 00:48:58,925
would you complain about
the quality of the ambulance?
846
00:48:59,002 --> 00:49:00,234
No.
847
00:49:00,425 --> 00:49:02,937
So why are you complaining about
everything I've done for you?
848
00:49:03,005 --> 00:49:06,584
Because you're rescuing me from
effective injury that you inflicted.
849
00:49:06,765 --> 00:49:08,568
I'd still complain about
the man who mugged me
850
00:49:08,645 --> 00:49:11,687
if he then said, "I'll help you
out, mate." I'd still complain.
851
00:49:12,165 --> 00:49:14,245
JEREMY: Let's be brutally
honest, shall we?
852
00:49:14,322 --> 00:49:17,285
Your car's been a terrible
nuisance all the way along.
853
00:49:17,362 --> 00:49:18,688
Not to me.
854
00:49:18,765 --> 00:49:21,285
It has to me cos I've had
to wait for it for days.
855
00:49:21,362 --> 00:49:25,365
You're so noble, I won't forget
to mention you in my speech.
856
00:49:25,442 --> 00:49:28,208
You're not getting
a Nobel Prize.
857
00:49:28,285 --> 00:49:31,528
Why not? -Because you're ending
with three-quarters of a car.
858
00:49:31,605 --> 00:49:33,765
You don't get the prize
for how much car you bring.
859
00:49:33,842 --> 00:49:35,898
You get the prize
for bringing the fish.
860
00:49:37,605 --> 00:49:39,445
Don't forget,
you're towing my fish,
861
00:49:39,522 --> 00:49:41,848
ie, the fish
that are still edible.
862
00:49:41,925 --> 00:49:43,445
- Mine are edible.
- No, they're not.
863
00:49:43,522 --> 00:49:45,718
They are! -I can
assure you they're not.
864
00:49:46,925 --> 00:49:49,045
JEREMY: It was a shame about
James's bad mood
865
00:49:49,122 --> 00:49:52,664
because we were
on the verge of success.
866
00:49:53,285 --> 00:49:54,808
Come on!
867
00:49:54,885 --> 00:49:58,485
Sure, our plan to feed the world
had been beset on all sides
868
00:49:58,562 --> 00:50:00,808
by much discomfort...
869
00:50:00,885 --> 00:50:02,765
Urgh! Bollocks!
870
00:50:03,445 --> 00:50:04,928
And many setbacks.
871
00:50:05,005 --> 00:50:08,005
We've got eight, plus one
that got out in the boat.
872
00:50:08,082 --> 00:50:11,039
I am up to my anus now
in water.
873
00:50:12,995 --> 00:50:14,455
Oh, God!
874
00:50:14,523 --> 00:50:17,232
There'd been
some terrible smells too.
875
00:50:17,442 --> 00:50:19,547
Oh! Argh!
876
00:50:19,718 --> 00:50:21,867
And several accidents.
877
00:50:23,965 --> 00:50:26,085
Some of which
were quite funny.
878
00:50:26,162 --> 00:50:28,005
- (HEAVY CLUNK)
- Bollocks!
879
00:50:28,082 --> 00:50:30,929
(Hysterical laughter)
880
00:50:31,365 --> 00:50:36,476
But despite everything, we were
now just a few miles from Bingo.
881
00:50:37,201 --> 00:50:39,681
I think, if we're going to
be sensible,
882
00:50:39,906 --> 00:50:43,269
what we should have done
is had a pick-up truck
883
00:50:43,402 --> 00:50:45,528
with an aquarium in the back.
884
00:50:45,605 --> 00:50:46,965
You sort of have now.
885
00:50:50,465 --> 00:50:52,785
JEREMY: That motorcycle
has been remarkable.
886
00:50:53,082 --> 00:50:56,007
800 quid from a supermarket.
887
00:50:56,205 --> 00:50:58,168
I know Hammond's been
obsessing about how
888
00:50:58,245 --> 00:51:01,085
he doesn't look like Ewan
McGregor in "The Long Way Down,"
889
00:51:01,154 --> 00:51:02,835
but to me he does,
890
00:51:02,903 --> 00:51:06,085
cos it's a motorcycle and
they're all exactly the same in my mind.
891
00:51:06,153 --> 00:51:10,085
We could make a film of all of his
crashes and call it Wrong Way Up.
892
00:51:10,162 --> 00:51:12,281
(Laughter)
893
00:51:13,365 --> 00:51:14,937
I'm going to tell you
one thing.
894
00:51:15,125 --> 00:51:19,245
You know normally people
from TV or film or whatever
895
00:51:19,322 --> 00:51:22,648
come out to Africa
to do charitable work?
896
00:51:22,725 --> 00:51:25,088
They're photographed by
Hello! magazine
897
00:51:25,165 --> 00:51:28,005
and then it's back to the
hotel, Châteauneuf-du-Pape,
898
00:51:28,082 --> 00:51:31,132
- fly home to get the OBE.
- Right.
899
00:51:31,304 --> 00:51:33,565
They don't actually do
what we've done, do they?
900
00:51:33,642 --> 00:51:35,085
No, I don't think so.
901
00:51:35,162 --> 00:51:40,928
I've never seen Victoria Beckham
trying to pull half a Mercedes
902
00:51:41,005 --> 00:51:43,078
across Mozambique.
903
00:51:50,730 --> 00:51:52,330
Bingo!
904
00:51:53,405 --> 00:51:56,156
There it is!
Our quest is at an end!
905
00:51:58,023 --> 00:52:02,097
Sir Jeremy and the Nobel
Award-winning James May,
906
00:52:02,165 --> 00:52:04,312
and Richard Hammond,
are arriving!
907
00:52:05,405 --> 00:52:08,859
Hello. Have we got good news
for you guys!
908
00:52:10,742 --> 00:52:13,608
Aware that our fish
may cause a stampede,
909
00:52:13,685 --> 00:52:17,398
we found a spot with enough space
to accommodate the crowds.
910
00:52:17,470 --> 00:52:19,523
Are you ready?
911
00:52:19,645 --> 00:52:22,015
This will get them running
over here, you watch.
912
00:52:25,018 --> 00:52:27,703
Oh, look at that!
913
00:52:28,375 --> 00:52:31,922
Hundreds and hundreds of
delicious fishes.
914
00:52:32,062 --> 00:52:34,867
Diesel-infused kippers.
915
00:52:36,562 --> 00:52:41,437
James, however, was not so happy
about the condition of his fish.
916
00:52:42,547 --> 00:52:45,208
And for some reason,
he blamed me.
917
00:52:45,285 --> 00:52:48,165
All that messing around and
dragging around, you killed them.
918
00:52:48,242 --> 00:52:50,125
Those were all alive
this morning!
919
00:52:50,202 --> 00:52:51,728
All of them are dead!
920
00:52:51,805 --> 00:52:53,119
How do you know
all are?
921
00:52:53,187 --> 00:52:55,125
Cos they're floating.
That's what fish do.
922
00:52:55,202 --> 00:52:57,187
I've kept those alive for
three days, you muppet.
923
00:52:57,293 --> 00:52:59,861
JEREMY: How have I killed them?
Because, they are still fresh.
924
00:52:59,929 --> 00:53:01,508
Because, You did this.
You dragged it along,
925
00:53:01,575 --> 00:53:03,816
bouncing it around too much,
and not thinking about the fish.
926
00:53:03,883 --> 00:53:05,031
You finished them off!
927
00:53:05,843 --> 00:53:10,406
This, though, was no time to get bogged
down with who'd killed James's fish,
928
00:53:10,482 --> 00:53:11,890
because it was him.
929
00:53:11,958 --> 00:53:15,438
So, we got on with the job
of setting up our stalls.
930
00:53:15,722 --> 00:53:17,885
- Is that straight?
- RICHARD: No.
931
00:53:17,962 --> 00:53:22,132
And eventually we were ready
for the crowds to descend.
932
00:53:23,885 --> 00:53:26,109
(Flies buzzing)
933
00:53:31,365 --> 00:53:33,365
(Buzzing intensifies)
934
00:53:41,008 --> 00:53:42,859
Customer. Customer.
935
00:53:56,186 --> 00:53:57,976
Nobody's interested.
936
00:53:59,165 --> 00:54:02,328
So, we moved on to the next
phase of our plan.
937
00:54:02,484 --> 00:54:04,992
Is the man from Hello!
Magazine getting these shots?
938
00:54:05,334 --> 00:54:06,454
- He's there.
- Oh, yeah.
939
00:54:07,911 --> 00:54:11,685
Look concerned. Let's see
your concerned face.
940
00:54:16,325 --> 00:54:19,537
Can you make sure you get plenty
of local people in the background
941
00:54:19,662 --> 00:54:21,085
so it's obvious
I'm in Africa?
942
00:54:21,162 --> 00:54:22,248
Thank you.
943
00:54:22,325 --> 00:54:24,048
(Camera shutter clicks)
944
00:54:24,125 --> 00:54:27,925
And then with not a single fish
given away, but the pictures taken,
945
00:54:28,002 --> 00:54:30,728
there was only one thing
left to do.
946
00:54:30,805 --> 00:54:32,693
Chaps,
let's get the helicopter.
947
00:54:36,571 --> 00:54:39,091
(Engine whirring)
73086
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