All language subtitles for Modern Family - 09x14 - Spanks for the Memories.SVA.English.C.orig.Addic7ed.com

Hey, Phil.

Jay, where are you? What are you doing?

- I'm just walking into my house.
- Stop! Don't you take another step!

What the hell are you talking about?

Claire just told me your
Valentine's plans for Gloria.

You're walking into a buzz saw!

Get in.

What am I looking at here?

- Nothing.
- Oh, it's a role-playing thing

we do on Valentine's.
It bumps the lovemaking up a notch.

- Phil, why?
- Gloria is mad at you.

If you walk in there
with some lame gift,

she will bite your head
right off, mister.

Well, you worried for nothing.
I bought her a nice cookie,

and the biggest Mylar balloon
they sold at the grocery store.

Wake up, man! You're losing her!

- When did you talk to Gloria?
- This afternoon.

I'm just taking Claire up
to the overlook on Mulholland

for a little old-school make-out sesh.

Oh, Phil.

You're so good at Valentine things...

unlike some ungrateful, selfish men

that don't appreciate women!

You need to step it up tonight.

How?

By dressing up in costumes like weirdos?

It's not weird, Dad. It's fun.

Yeah. Tonight, we get to be 17 again,

when we were just a couple of innocent,

wide-eyed virgins.

Shut up.

I'm not doing it.

Today, when Gloria found out
what we were doing, she said,

"Damn it, Phil.
You are so good at Valentine's.

I wish Jay was as sexy as you."

She never said that.

I'm paraphrasing.

Okay, call Gloria,

tell her to meet you at a hotel bar,

and then you show up
as some romantic character.

- Who would I be?
- Anybody.

Think of the most exotic person you can.

General Eisenhower,
the father of the American freeway.

You're gonna want to think
a little sexier than that.

You have not seen the right photos.

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What are you doing? I thought
he was taking you out to dinner.

I'm pre-eating
so I don't look like a pig.

Oh, please tell me
you don't eat on dates.

Who's the lucky guy?

Oh, this professor from Alex's college.

Normally, I wouldn't go out
with a guy like that,

but there's something about him.

"Something about him"? He's a genius.

He's one of the most respected
minds on campus,

who also happens to look like
the protagonist

from a Jane Austen novel.

He's totally out of your league.

Oh, well, now you're being crazy.

Are you into him or something?

No! I'm just genuinely concerned

you're going to embarrass
yourself or me.

At least look up the difference
between astrology and astronomy.

Okay, alls I know is,

is that you're being
a real Capricorn right now.

The sun revolves around the Earth,
and not you.

I cannot believe we got
into this restaurant.

I know. Oh, you know what?

Let's take a picture and use Facebook
the way it was intended.

Oh, to find out how racist
our high-school friends are?

No, to make people in our lives
feel worse about their lives.

Hey!

Gentlemen.

Your table's being set up right now.

Okay.

- Oh, my G... No.
- What?

- Th-That's Luke.
- No. We ca...

- No, we can't sit next to...
- We can't sit there. I'm s...

Can we have a...
Can we have a different table?

- I'm sorry, not tonight.
- Um...

If you guys don't want it,
I have 10 other people who do.

Okay. You know what?

Tonight was supposed to be
a romantic night.

I-I don't want to watch him

make his sweaty moves
on his conquest of the week.

And some of them buy it.
Under what gas leak is

he finding these brain-dead bimbos?

And have you heard how mean he's gotten?

The other day, he called us "catty."

- He called us catty?
- Yeah.

You sure he wasn't talking
about the dead cat on his head

- he calls a haircut?
- Oh, my...

Hey, guys!

- Hi!
- Hey, Luke! What a coincidence.

I think it's nice that we're helping out

Dad and Gloria tonight.

I know. I'm just a little bummed

that we're stuck here, watching Joe,

when we could be messing around
in a Trans Am.

Or... did we just
take it up a notch, huh?

I'm the foxy babysitter.
The kid's asleep.

You are the foxy bad boy

who sneaks over
with some wine coolers...

Oh, radical.

Now that I'm six, I like girls,

but I love two girls...

The Little Mermaid and Claire.

Oh. Joe. W-What are you doing up?

Hello, Claire. I made this for you.

Oh, my goodness.

Look, it's a Valentine.

It's two love bugs.

Aww.

Two love bugs.

Three's a crowd.

Hmm.

Hey, how can I help you?

I am Gigi DeLaroca, businesswoman.

Life has tried to break me,
but it has only teach me.

So, you want a drink?

The lady will have Campari and soda.

Hello, sir.

I have never had that drink.

Well, no one "Camparis" to you.

Very clever.

I am Gigi DeLaroca, businesswoman.

I am Raoul Matadore.

I own this hotel. May I?

Of course, Mr. Matadore.

Like Andy Garcia in "Ocean's Eleven."

I don't think you have to explain.

Right. Um, you talk.

No, I mean, um... Thank you.

Tell me about you.

What business are you in? Bueno.

Well, let's just say,

I'm just a lady that works
in the evening.

But I am not available to any man.

So charm me, Mr. Matadore.

This hotel...

has the finest closets in all the land.

We have lighted rods
and soft-close doors.

I was once married to a man

that endlessly talked about closet.

You're boring me very much.

Okay, well, um...

Um...

I need one secondo, huh?

Hotel businesso, huh?

Bueno.

Mmm.

Oh, my goodness.

The waitress... She left a menu here.

Now, I'm wondering
if we should have got...

Oh, my God! Where's his date?
Do you think he got stood up?

- Let me see that.
- Right here.

It's so embarrassing.
What do we even say?

They're not soundproof menus.
Yeah. She's standing me up.

Women are impossible, you know?

For us, they are.

Well, now I made it work once,

although there was a-a Rob Lowe
poster behind her.

You know what? I say to heck to heck

- with this gal.
- Mm-hmm.

- Get back out there, go to a bar!
- Yes!

I hear that.

- A guy like you, great head of hair...
- Yep.

Nah, I'm too depressed.

Besides, I prepaid for my meal.
I guess I'll order.

Just forget I'm here.

Anyway... happy Valentine's Day.

- Thanks.
- You look so handsome.

Ugh! This sucks.

I can't believe I let you talk
me into doing this crap.

- I need help!
- It's okay.

Underneath it all,
it's just you and your wife.

That's the problem.

I don't know how I got her
to begin with.

And I'm starting to feel
if I can't pull this off,

she's gonna figure out
she got duped the first time.

Let me start by saying "thank you"
for being so vulnerable with me.

I hate you.

Also, I'm no expert at this,

but I have a friend here who is.

Clive Bixby here.
How can I make your night sexier?

If I can't role-play with her,
I'm not doin' it with you.

Whatevs, Daddio.

I'm gonna give the phone back to Philip.

Phil here. Listen.

It's all about
commitment and confidence.

What's... What's your character?

Raoul Matadore, hotel owner,
like Andy Garcia...

In "Ocean's Eleven"...
I love this for you!

Did you go with the timepiece?

Yeah, I thought at some moment,
I'd pull it out,

smash it on the bar, and say,

"I want to remember the exact
moment I fell in love."

- I'm an idiot!
- No.

That silence is me picking
my jaw up off the floor.

We're all walking,
and you're flying, mister.

Seriously? You think so?

1,000%! But don't take it from me.

Clive again.

Mr. Matadore, I tip my turtleneck to ya.

Hello?

All right, no peeking.

Oh, no peeking.

I hope you're not disappointed.

Wow! It's so pretty!

You know what else is pretty?

Oh! Stop.

Oh.

Well, I was going to say "Venus."

But sure, let's go with you.

Come on, have a look.

Ooh!

Nope.

- Oh! Okay.
- Yep.

Wow!

Yeah, there's a new moon,
so it's the perfect night

to observe faint star clusters.

And... And right in the middle,

there's a variable star
that I discovered.

It's right next to a white dwarf.

Oh, I don't think you're allowed

to say that anymore.

Yes, tricky times we live in.

Wow, this is so cool.

Right. Have a...
Have a think about this...

There is a theory that suggests
the universe is so large

that everything that can happen
is happening all the time.

Do you smoke weed?

Oh. No.

Sor... Sorry, I'm a little
obsessed with space.

I-I built my first Dobsonian telescope
when I was 10.

You made a telescope?

The only thing I've ever made
was an ashtray for my mom

that says, "Rub your butt here."

Oh, like cigarette butt.

Yeah.

What are you doing next August 27th

at, uh, 8:00 p.m.?

I have no idea. Why?

NASA is giving me an award
for a radiation shield,

- and...
- NASA's giving you an award?

I need a date. There's no pressure.

But it saved the lives
of a bunch of astronauts.

Wow, you've done a lot.

Well, I'm... I'm sure you've had
your share of accomplishments.

Oh, yeah! Yeah, of course.

Let's see. There was, um...

college...

Uh-huh.

Nope. Nope. That is a...

That is a bad road.

Well, uh, uh, okay, so professionally,

I've been kind of sort of
dabbling in, like,

a lot of different... Pass.

Um... I-I-I-I once flew
next to the bass player of The Killers.

Uh, you know, it just kind of
looked like him.

Is there a bathroom?
Here, I'm just gonna find it myself.

No big deal. I'm fine.
I'm... I'm great. I...

So, are you seeing anybody new?

No, I didn't even make my mom
a Valentine's card this year.

It's alarming that I asked about dating,

and you went right to your mother.

Hello?

Alex, it's Professor Fennerman.

I'm sorry to bother you on Valentine's.

Uh, it's okay. Uh...

Have you heard from Haley?

- Isn't she with you?
- She was...

and then she suddenly ran off.

I think... I think I may have bored her

to the point of fleeing.

You could never bore anyone.

You know who's boring?
Professor Schaeffer.

Agreed. He's insufferable.

He never stops droning on.

He's like the cosmic
microwave background radiation.

Because he's the constant noise
you can't get rid of!

Thank God somebody gets me tonight.

You know, I think
it might have been a bad idea,

bringing her to the observatory.

I probably should have set
my sights on someone

with whom I have more in common.

Do you know what I mean?

I... think I do?

Anyway, I think I'll wait here
a little longer,

take in the stars,
just in case she shows up.

Maybe she will.

Thanks, Alex.

Oh, my God.

- What?
- Haley blew him off.

I think he wants me to come
to the observatory to be with him.

You have feelings for this guy?

Who wouldn't?!

I mean, do you know how hard it is

to find a good-looking genius?

There's him, and when I put in
a little effort, me!

Then go.

I will.

Yeah, you will, a-and I'm gonna make
a Valentine for my mom.

They're not the same!

Okay, open... open mine first.

- Oh.
- It's... It's a kimono.

- I took an online origami class.
- Okay.

- It's a haiku.
- Oh!

"Friend, lover, husband.

My life started when we met.

You're my everything."

- Aww.
- You are.

Ooh, let's see what you wrote in yours.

Aww. It's a tandem bicycle.

- Yeah.
- It's so cute.

"Happy V-Day. Love, M."

And I thought my date was cold.

What? No. Cam knows what I mean.

Cam knows you are mean?

You were more effusive
about tonight's menu

than you were in my card.

"The molten chocolate cake looks
slutty and delicious."

Would it kill you to say that about me?

What the hell? Amanda was here.

This picture you posted
on Facebook...

She's right behind you.
Why would she just leave?

Tonight was supposed to be
a romantic night.

I don't want to watch Luke
make his sweaty moves

on his conquest of the week.

Yeah, and some of them buy it.

Under what gas leak is
he finding these brain-dead bimbos?

I know what happened.

She walked in,
saw me for the first time,

and thought I was hideous.

I've really been struggling
with my hair lately.

No, no, stop it. You have great hair.

If it worked for Sheena Easton,
it can work for you.

We spent all this time texting.

I thought we had a real connection,

like, really got each other.

We couldn't let him blame himself.

But, uh...he took it pretty well.

You catty bitches!

Luke, we love you,
but ever since you hit puberty,

- you've been... a little disgusting.
- A little disgusting.

Don't you think I know that?!

She was my chance to turn it around.

Okay, you know what? Call her.

We'll get on the phone,
we'll clear the whole thing up.

I called her. She's not picking up.

We're going to her apartment.

We messed this up, we'll fix it.

Before the cake arrives?

I've been wanting to bury
my face in that all night long.

How can you not hear this?

Okay, Joey, it's getting late.

It's time to get you up to bed.

Can you do a quick monster check first?

Yes, I can.

Phil, I can't sleep
without my teddy bear,

and I left him in my wagon.

Can you get him? I'm afraid of the dark.

You got it, buddy.

Joe? What are you doing?

Open the door.

Fulgencio Joseph Pritchett!

Open the door!

You let me in right now, young man.

Not cool, Joe!

Joe, what is going on with this music?

My God.

Oh. Where's Phil?

Who knows with that guy?

Honey, what happened?

Mini Casanova locked me out.

What? That is enough.

Joe, you are a little boy,

and you're going to bed right now.

You're a bad Valentine!

Oh, no.

I feel like the rest
of the Breakfast Club

when they realized Judd Nelson was

- more vulnerable than they thought.
- I...

My hotel in Ibiza was my favorite.

I used to hang out with Telly Savalas,

Lyle Waggoner,

but the scenery here

makes me like this one
mucho more.

You don't have to impress me

with money or name-dropping, I think.

I like you.

Don't tell this to my madam,

but I cannot accept any money from you.

Excuse me, ma'am.
Can I talk with you for a moment?

Yes?

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave now.

Huh?

The hotel owner is very strict

about women who do what you do.

Ooh, you're gonna take me to a room

where the hotel owner
is going to give me

a very tough, sexy talking to?

No, you're gonna leave,
or we're gonna call the police.

- Yes, call the police.
- Gloria...

I've been a very, very bad girl.

This is not a part of it.

Sir, she is not a prostitute.

This is my wife.

That's what they all say.

Please.

Yep, that's probably what
I would've said.

Here she is. Ciconi.

What do you want?

- Oh, hi!
- Hey! Wow.

You're actually hotter
than your picture.

You know, let us talk. Hi! So, we're...

- we're Luke's uncles.
- We're Luke's uncles.

- You're his uncles?
- Uh-huh.

And you said he put sweaty moves
on brain-dead bimbos?

Okay, hadn't heard the specifics.

Okay, you know... you know what?

We d... We didn't mean any of that.

We're gay, and gays are snarky.

It's a cultural thing.

You know how, like, you're Italian?

Italians talk
a lot with their hands, right

and are much looser

than one would imagine for Catholics.

Okay, okay. Let me talk right now.

Okay, Amanda, Luke's an amazing guy.

Why would I believe
what you're saying now

and not what you said before?

I don't know. I don't know.

You know, maybe we were
just being snarky

- because we were jealous of you guys.
- Yeah.

I mean, seeing Luke all dressed up,

getting ready for a first date, the...

the excitement of being
young and in love.

- Mm.
- Easy.

I-I remember when I first met Cam...

- I'm Cam.
- This is Cam.

I knew I had met the person

I was gonna spend
the rest of my life with.

That's what I want, too...
a relationship,

someone who's gonna be there for me.

Luke feels the same way.

I mean, this is a guy
who is ready for commitment.

We've really only texted.

Okay, well, when I say...

when I say to give Luke a chance,

it's because I-I know
what's at stake for you.

I-I mean, you think it's amazing now?

You can't even imagine
what it could grow into.

If you guys have
even the smallest chance

of having what we have...
you have to go for it.

Oh, my God, Mitchell.

That is the Valentine's Day card
I've always wanted.

Aww.

That was sweet.

But Luke's gone.

Drive until you hear a party.

Okay. Well, you know what?
Good luck, honey.

- Bye, then. Yeah, take care.
- Okay.

You see, we have the same address
and the same last name.

I was just pretending to be a prostitute

because my husband has a thing
for Jane Fonda in "Klute."

The body was crazy,
unfortunately, so were the politics.

Well, I guess you didn't do
anything wrong by hotel rules,

but based on my personal
belief system...

We're not looking for any input.
Thank you.

I can't believe I took
romantic advice from Phil,

a grown man I've seen in
lederhosen at least three times.

Phil told you to do the role play?

Yeah, he said you were mad this morning

because I always drop the ball
on days like this.

I wasn't mad at you. I was mad at Joe

because he didn't make me a Valentine.

So your 6-year-old kid

doesn't give you a card, you get so mad,

you throw a tire iron
through the windshield.

It's got to be deeper than that.

Manny, for the first time ever,

didn't make me a Valentine's, either.

That's not deeper.

That's just doubling down
on the same disturbing thing.

Disturbing?

When Manny was 5 years old,

he told me that he would
forever be my Valentine's.

Promises were made.
I will not be ignored!

Okay, yeah. That sounded weird.

But the point is that I know

that you're not good at romantic things,

- and I'm fine with it.
- Don't let me off the hook.

If I did more, you wouldn't depend
on your kids for those things.

And if I learned anything

from trying to pick you up tonight,

it's how lucky I was to get you
in the first place.

I've got to do better.

And I didn't think anyone

could get any sexier
than Raoul Matadore.

I want to remember the exact moment

I fell in love with you all over again.

What the hell have you done?

That was my father's watch!

Poor little Joe.

You don't think I led him on, do you?

No, no.

I am not doing this.

Women always blame themselves.

Well, I'm sorry, Joe.
I don't owe you anything.

You know what?
I-I think I'll handle this.

Hey, buddy.

Are you gonna yell at me, too?

Listen.

The reason Claire was yelling at you

was to protect my feelings.

She knows I can't compete with you,

which is, um...

which is why I have to ask you
a really big favor.

Can you pick another girl?

I mean, you can have anyone you want,

but... Claire's all I've got.

I'd be lost without her.

I don't even know how I got her
in the first place.

You are pretty silly.

What do you say?
Dude to dude, will you back off?

Okay.

Is Haley seeing anyone?

Easy.

How'd I get back to Arvin? I don't know.

I was just looking for the parking lot

when I came to a fork in the path.

Had I taken the other path,

I would've just gotten in my car
and gone home.

Instead...

You came back!

Damn it, I did!

Why did you run off? What did I do?

Everything. And I've done nothing.

I-I feel like a loser.

You feel like a loser?

Why do you think I went on about
myself so appallingly?

Ooh, look at me.

I won the Von Snootington Award

for Applied Astro-Doofinomics.

You won another award?
How is this helping?

Haley... I like you.

You are formidable in a way that's...

that's different and exciting to me.

Yeah, well, same,

but it just doesn't make sense.

I love things that don't make sense.

That's my gig.

Let's figure this out together.

Come on.

What can I do?

That helps.

Oh, it's so weird to think that
if I had taken another path,

I could be heading home right now.

Wait a minute.
It's like what you said before.

In a different universe,
you could be with someone else.

Um, could we...
could we change this song?

The poppy cadence is throwing off
my more bluesy lovemaking style.

Oh!

- Aw, geez!
- Dios mio!

Don't you ever knock?!

This is my bedroom!
I can't believe this is happening again!

- Again?
- Oh.

I wish I had gotten arrested!

Mom, where are you?
I made you a Valen...

Okay, what kind of freak show
goes on here when I'm not around?

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