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You got that funny Bruce vilanch
writing some of the stuff
for everyone.
4
00:00:24,589 --> 00:00:27,505
- He is...
- he's the funniest guy. Every
time you see an awards show,
5
00:00:27,549 --> 00:00:29,638
no matter which one, the oscars,
the Tonys, the emmys... yes.
6
00:00:29,681 --> 00:00:33,555
- He's the guy who's responsible
for nearly all the material.
- Yeah, man.
7
00:00:33,598 --> 00:00:37,080
He's the guy you call
if you want something funny.
I love him very much.
8
00:00:37,124 --> 00:00:40,170
For years, I never
said a word that Bruce
didn't charge me for.
9
00:00:40,214 --> 00:00:45,306
In fact, Bruce was the first man
to put something in my mouth...
10
00:00:45,349 --> 00:00:47,960
That actually
made US bothmoney !
11
00:00:48,004 --> 00:00:52,400
This man cracks my ass
with laughter.
12
00:00:52,443 --> 00:00:55,490
Now, you can take that
any way you want.
13
00:00:55,533 --> 00:01:00,234
I mean, he's given more
great lines to celebrities
than a Hollywood coke dealer !
14
00:01:00,277 --> 00:01:02,236
But I wanna tell you,
it's great to be back.
15
00:01:02,279 --> 00:01:05,587
And there are stars
all over this town,
and probably out of it too,
16
00:01:05,630 --> 00:01:08,590
at this very moment,
who are clinging
to their cellulars,
17
00:01:08,633 --> 00:01:11,419
hoping that Bruce will call
with that priceless quip.
18
00:01:15,945 --> 00:01:19,601
Hi, Bruce. This is Ann-Margret.
19
00:01:19,644 --> 00:01:23,953
And I'm doing this little... thing, and I need a few lines.
20
00:01:23,996 --> 00:01:28,175
♪ doo, doo, doo doom-ba-doom ♪
21
00:01:28,218 --> 00:01:32,788
♪ what do you do when you need a good line ♪
22
00:01:32,831 --> 00:01:37,140
♪ you're under the gun and you want to shine ♪
23
00:01:37,184 --> 00:01:40,056
♪ you're afraid that your act will fall flat ♪
24
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:43,799
♪ unless somebody gives it some juice ♪
25
00:01:43,842 --> 00:01:47,498
♪ ooh, gives it some juice ♪ what do you do
26
00:01:49,587 --> 00:01:52,286
♪ what ♪ you get Bruce
27
00:01:52,329 --> 00:01:55,332
♪ get Bruce go get some Bruce, yeah ♪
28
00:01:55,376 --> 00:01:57,987
you have 12...
29
00:01:58,030 --> 00:02:01,295
Unplayed messages in your mailbox.
30
00:02:01,338 --> 00:02:04,907
♪ Bruce has got his own mystique ♪
31
00:02:04,950 --> 00:02:10,478
Ah ! ♪ muppet hair and t-shirt chic ♪
32
00:02:10,521 --> 00:02:15,439
Something from over here. ♪ Dorothy Parker's optic clone ♪
33
00:02:15,483 --> 00:02:20,401
♪ talullah with testosterone ♪
34
00:02:20,444 --> 00:02:23,143
Truer words
were never spoken.
35
00:02:23,186 --> 00:02:26,494
- ♪ Bruce, Bruce-y, Bruce-y
buddy, Bruce-y baby ♪
- how are you doin' ?
36
00:02:26,537 --> 00:02:29,627
♪ Bruce, Bruce Bruce-y buddy, Bruce-y baby ♪
37
00:02:35,198 --> 00:02:38,854
♪ What do you do ♪ oh, tell US, what do you do
38
00:02:38,897 --> 00:02:42,205
♪ when you need a good line
39
00:02:42,249 --> 00:02:45,382
♪ when you need a good line
40
00:02:45,426 --> 00:02:47,515
♪ when you're under the gun
41
00:02:47,558 --> 00:02:49,821
♪ when you're under the gun
42
00:02:49,865 --> 00:02:53,216
- aah !
- ♪ and you want to shine
43
00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:55,523
♪ a-and you want to shine
44
00:02:55,566 --> 00:02:59,091
♪ maybe before I vamoose
45
00:02:59,135 --> 00:03:04,314
♪ better listen good to your chanteuse ♪
46
00:03:04,358 --> 00:03:07,230
♪ to your chanteuse ♪ don't be obtuse
47
00:03:07,274 --> 00:03:10,668
♪ don't be obtuse
48
00:03:10,712 --> 00:03:13,628
♪ get Bruce Bruce vilanch
is ready.
49
00:03:13,671 --> 00:03:17,458
You're now part of a documentary on Bruce's life.
50
00:03:17,501 --> 00:03:19,547
Which one ? ♪ get Bruce
51
00:03:19,590 --> 00:03:22,332
I'm starting to get
all kind of nervous now.
Wait a minute.
52
00:03:22,376 --> 00:03:24,856
Who, you ?
I can't believe that.
53
00:03:24,900 --> 00:03:27,816
Like you've never
seen me nervous.
54
00:03:27,859 --> 00:03:31,559
Can you open up your jacket
so we can see the scream?
55
00:03:31,602 --> 00:03:37,217
Certainly.
It's actually a recent portrait
of macaulay culkin.
56
00:03:37,260 --> 00:03:39,175
♪ bye-bye, Bruce-y ♪
57
00:03:40,655 --> 00:03:43,048
Bruce, as far as I know,
Bruce has literally
been involved...
58
00:03:43,092 --> 00:03:46,748
With every event,
every charitable event...
59
00:03:46,791 --> 00:03:48,967
And every awards show that
I've ever been involved in.
60
00:03:49,011 --> 00:03:51,405
I didn't know
that you were allowed
to do one without him.
61
00:03:51,448 --> 00:03:53,798
It's sort of like cameras.
You need vilanch...
62
00:03:53,842 --> 00:03:56,148
And cameras and
some guy holding a Mike.
63
00:03:59,543 --> 00:04:02,024
Now, we're going
to go find roseanne.
64
00:04:02,067 --> 00:04:05,680
She's lurking in one
of these dressing rooms,
coiled, waiting.
65
00:04:05,723 --> 00:04:08,509
I started in this business
in 1976 or 1977.
66
00:04:08,552 --> 00:04:12,295
Now we're going
further down the hall,
to where the comedy is.
67
00:04:12,339 --> 00:04:16,604
- He was writing
all the shows then.
- Robert plant or Maggie Smith ?
68
00:04:16,647 --> 00:04:21,130
- You tell me.
- Twenty years later, he's still
writing all the shows.
69
00:04:21,173 --> 00:04:24,351
Down the comedy corridor,
ashford and Simpson, not funny.
70
00:04:24,394 --> 00:04:26,788
Michael Douglas...
cute with Kathleen Turner.
71
00:04:26,831 --> 00:04:29,791
The ritchie strings.
Dennis rodman,
as funny as they get.
72
00:04:29,834 --> 00:04:31,967
Then, jenifer Lewis,
the funniest of them all.
73
00:04:32,010 --> 00:04:35,057
Have you seen roseanne ? Who is it ?
Is that Bruce ?
74
00:04:35,100 --> 00:04:37,059
Is that Bruce ? I'll take two jenifer lewises.
75
00:04:37,102 --> 00:04:40,802
Come on in here, baby.
76
00:04:40,845 --> 00:04:42,804
I caught you
at a serious time,
did I ?
77
00:04:42,847 --> 00:04:45,154
I'm going to say everything
you told me to say tonight.Good.
78
00:04:45,197 --> 00:04:47,461
I'm gonna change it
around a little bit
'cause I'll be nervous.
79
00:04:47,504 --> 00:04:49,463
With each of these people,
it's kind of like,
80
00:04:49,506 --> 00:04:52,379
how do you build a costume
for somebody ?
81
00:04:52,422 --> 00:04:54,468
Everybody has
different measurements.
82
00:04:54,511 --> 00:04:56,905
Everybody has
a different thing
that they look good in,
83
00:04:56,948 --> 00:04:58,907
a different color
that they look good in,
84
00:04:58,950 --> 00:05:02,867
and so writing for them is pretty much the same way.
85
00:05:02,911 --> 00:05:07,176
You have to take their attitude and find words that suit their attitude.
86
00:05:07,219 --> 00:05:09,570
The other part of it,
of course, is...
87
00:05:09,613 --> 00:05:11,572
Identifying who they are,
88
00:05:11,615 --> 00:05:14,096
knowing who they are
and being able
to write to that person.
89
00:05:14,139 --> 00:05:17,099
Yeah, he's very good.
He has a great sense...
90
00:05:17,142 --> 00:05:20,668
Of who people are, what their images are in the public.
91
00:05:20,711 --> 00:05:23,584
And he can give you something that will be...
92
00:05:23,627 --> 00:05:27,631
Absolutely spot-on for you.
93
00:05:29,241 --> 00:05:33,550
I worry about what computers
are doing to US as a nation.
94
00:05:33,594 --> 00:05:38,250
I fear they are putting
a serious, serious crimp
in our sexual habits.
95
00:05:38,294 --> 00:05:42,429
I imagine an entire nation
of people typing with one hand.
96
00:05:47,521 --> 00:05:50,480
And not only is it obscene,
97
00:05:50,524 --> 00:05:52,439
it's hard to read !
98
00:05:54,441 --> 00:05:57,226
I mean,
"fick me, fick me" ?
99
00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:00,838
The stand-up comics and singers
who have to get up...
100
00:06:00,882 --> 00:06:03,667
Onstage every night
and project a persona...
101
00:06:03,711 --> 00:06:05,713
Are more comfortable
on these shows because...
102
00:06:05,756 --> 00:06:08,237
They know who they are
when they're not in character.
103
00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:10,065
They have their stage character.
104
00:06:10,108 --> 00:06:12,415
I'm here tonight
to talk about Barbie,
105
00:06:12,459 --> 00:06:16,419
because Janet Reno is busy.
106
00:06:16,463 --> 00:06:19,944
Roseanne has
a wonderful sense of anger...
107
00:06:19,988 --> 00:06:23,252
And gum-chewing dismissal
of the world.
108
00:06:23,295 --> 00:06:25,385
I have always felt that
Barbie should reflect...
109
00:06:25,428 --> 00:06:29,476
More of what is really
going on with women.
110
00:06:29,519 --> 00:06:32,740
And I have vowed that I would
not rest until they market...
111
00:06:32,783 --> 00:06:35,612
"Trailer court Barbie,"
112
00:06:38,310 --> 00:06:41,139
And, of course,
"eating disorder Barbie."
113
00:06:41,183 --> 00:06:46,188
Paul Reiser's attitude is,
uh, kind of wry observation,
114
00:06:46,231 --> 00:06:48,364
like, "did you ever notice that... isn't it strange that..."
115
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:50,975
I'm just in television.
I don't know
much about politics.
116
00:06:51,019 --> 00:06:53,413
I don't know if
it takes a village
to raise a child,
117
00:06:53,456 --> 00:06:57,199
uh, but I do know
it takes a village
to get cable.
118
00:06:57,242 --> 00:06:59,549
That's true.
119
00:06:59,593 --> 00:07:01,551
I know that.
120
00:07:01,595 --> 00:07:03,945
They will not come out
for just your house.
I can tell you that.
121
00:07:03,988 --> 00:07:07,862
With whoopi, of course,
you can play the race card.
122
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:12,475
You can always do things
from the perspective
of a black woman.
123
00:07:12,519 --> 00:07:16,566
And there are so few black women in these exalted positions,
124
00:07:16,610 --> 00:07:18,699
that whoopi can always
comment on the fact...
125
00:07:18,742 --> 00:07:20,875
That she is
in this exalted position.
126
00:07:20,918 --> 00:07:25,140
The most significant thing
for methat happened
in Washington this year...
127
00:07:25,183 --> 00:07:27,490
Was when Madeleine albright
discovered she was Jewish.
128
00:07:27,534 --> 00:07:29,623
I know how she feels.
129
00:07:29,666 --> 00:07:35,367
But even bigger than that,
what she doesn't know is
she's my cousin.
130
00:07:37,021 --> 00:07:41,983
We go back too far, man.
We go back to Mr. Kelly's
in Chicago.
131
00:07:42,026 --> 00:07:44,986
I was headlining there.
And, uh, Bruce came in.
132
00:07:45,029 --> 00:07:47,423
He used to sit on
the bar stool and heckle me.
133
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:51,471
I said, "who is that dude
with the big facial hair
and the strange t-shirts ?"
134
00:07:51,514 --> 00:07:54,604
Always with the strange
t-shirt, but I got
a kick out of the dude.
135
00:07:54,648 --> 00:07:58,913
We wanted to do a character
piece with her, because
there's no Lily character.
136
00:07:58,956 --> 00:08:01,698
And she's got a roster
of fabulous people she can be.
137
00:08:01,742 --> 00:08:03,700
From the heart of the Las Vegas strip,
138
00:08:03,744 --> 00:08:06,573
the swinging star who put the "man" in "romance,"
139
00:08:06,616 --> 00:08:09,227
Tommy velour !
140
00:08:09,271 --> 00:08:13,014
♪♪
141
00:08:13,057 --> 00:08:15,364
There's always been
a dude between US, Elizabeth.
142
00:08:17,192 --> 00:08:19,107
You're a dude magnet.
143
00:08:21,849 --> 00:08:26,723
We're helpless !
Cha-kunk, cha-kunk,
guh-guh cha-kunk.
144
00:08:28,464 --> 00:08:31,641
The hardest ones are actors, who are famous for acting...
145
00:08:31,685 --> 00:08:34,426
And not famous for their own persona.
146
00:08:34,470 --> 00:08:37,517
Kathy bates,
who is on the show
tonight, um...
147
00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:39,606
who's wonderful,
but there is no...
148
00:08:39,649 --> 00:08:41,695
you know, you've never seen
Kathy bates in concert.
149
00:08:41,738 --> 00:08:43,914
Sigourney Weaver, who's a lovely woman,
150
00:08:43,958 --> 00:08:45,960
but you don't know what to expect when she comes out.
151
00:08:46,003 --> 00:08:47,962
Good evening, everybody.
I'd just like to say...
152
00:08:48,005 --> 00:08:51,182
A special hello
to all the theater owners.
153
00:08:51,226 --> 00:08:54,925
I'm from New York,
so I don't suck up, but...
154
00:08:54,969 --> 00:08:58,668
I do have three films
coming out this year,
155
00:08:58,712 --> 00:09:03,804
and I wanted to say that
I worship the candy-coated
ground that you walk on.
156
00:09:03,847 --> 00:09:07,285
It's a very interesting,
intricate relationship
between a comedy writer...
157
00:09:07,329 --> 00:09:09,723
And a person
who's scared to death
they won't be funny.
158
00:09:09,766 --> 00:09:13,161
What card am I going
to put that on ?where's your number one ?
159
00:09:13,204 --> 00:09:15,250
I don't know.
It's over here.
160
00:09:15,293 --> 00:09:18,993
Geez-o. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
161
00:09:19,036 --> 00:09:23,780
Added to that is the pressure
that most of these people
are movie stars.
162
00:09:23,824 --> 00:09:26,696
Most of them are used
to working like this:
163
00:09:26,740 --> 00:09:29,699
With a crew and a camera,
and if it doesn't work,
164
00:09:29,743 --> 00:09:32,528
they'll do it
two or three times,
or 200 or 300 times.
165
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:36,140
Do it right,
you ditz...you ditzy blond.
166
00:09:36,184 --> 00:09:40,057
You ditzy...you're the ditzy blond.
I'm the together brunette.
167
00:09:40,101 --> 00:09:43,104
Show me your entrance.My... my entrance.
My entrance.
168
00:09:43,147 --> 00:09:46,847
Okay ? Yes.
169
00:09:46,890 --> 00:09:51,286
Hi !
Do you like the dress ?
170
00:09:51,329 --> 00:09:54,028
Oh, thank you.
171
00:09:54,071 --> 00:09:57,945
I borrowed it
from rupaul.
172
00:09:57,988 --> 00:10:01,644
Thank you and welcome...
173
00:10:01,688 --> 00:10:05,474
To...
The commitment to life.
174
00:10:05,517 --> 00:10:08,129
"For the past nine years,"
and then we go
into serious stuff.
175
00:10:08,172 --> 00:10:10,131
Now my serious
benefit mode.
176
00:10:10,174 --> 00:10:12,481
Yes. Now,
changing on a dime...
177
00:10:12,524 --> 00:10:14,483
yeah, I like that.Changing on a dime.
178
00:10:14,526 --> 00:10:16,485
Now, my serious benefit mode. I do like that.My serious benefit mode.
179
00:10:16,528 --> 00:10:20,663
And now, for my
serious benefit mode...
180
00:10:20,707 --> 00:10:23,797
I don't like getting up
and talking as myself at all.
181
00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:27,278
I'm not good at that. So, it's nice to have Bruce's words.
182
00:10:27,322 --> 00:10:32,153
He can also make it personal for you, so the words come out naturally.
183
00:10:32,196 --> 00:10:35,330
Excuse me, but really meeting you, Elizabeth,
184
00:10:35,373 --> 00:10:38,159
was like meeting royalty.
185
00:10:38,202 --> 00:10:40,901
I was a nervous wreck
because I was wondering how...
186
00:10:40,944 --> 00:10:42,946
The movies' greatest sex symbol...
187
00:10:42,990 --> 00:10:48,125
Would get along
with an itty-bitty,
small screen... goddess.
188
00:10:50,475 --> 00:10:54,001
No matter what's going on,
whether on the stage,
or in the truck...
189
00:10:54,044 --> 00:10:58,005
Or in the lobby, Bruce is right there.
190
00:10:58,048 --> 00:11:00,703
Are you rewriting ?
'Cause I should get in on that.
191
00:11:00,747 --> 00:11:04,925
Yeah.asshole writer that I am.
192
00:11:04,968 --> 00:11:07,579
Oh, I'm in that guild.Yeah, I'm in that
fuckin' guild too.
193
00:11:07,623 --> 00:11:10,104
Asshole writers of america.The cocksucker
assholes of america.
194
00:11:10,147 --> 00:11:12,715
I'm not.
I need you guys here.Don't forget the cocksucker.
195
00:11:12,759 --> 00:11:16,632
Would iforget
the cocksucker part ?
Surely you've heard.
196
00:11:18,590 --> 00:11:21,550
So, what are
you going to give me ?here's what I recommend.
197
00:11:23,639 --> 00:11:26,947
Is oscars,
this occasion...
too eloquent, or...
198
00:11:26,990 --> 00:11:30,385
no, it's appropriate.
It is.It's very, very tantric.
199
00:11:30,428 --> 00:11:32,735
It's very Buddhist.Is it ?
200
00:11:32,779 --> 00:11:37,392
It's all polishing,
I would imagine
is what they're doing.
201
00:11:37,435 --> 00:11:42,527
Should we get somebody here
to write out this, or...yes, yeah.
202
00:11:42,571 --> 00:11:45,443
Actually, everything
gets revised 4,000 times.
203
00:11:45,487 --> 00:11:49,143
There's no writing.
There's only rewriting.
204
00:11:49,186 --> 00:11:51,754
Dora, vice president,
script changes.Hi.
205
00:11:51,798 --> 00:11:56,411
Good luck.Okay, so, dora, my dear,
what I'm gonna do here...
206
00:11:56,454 --> 00:11:59,327
Is I'm gonna say...
I guess maybe you want to...
207
00:11:59,370 --> 00:12:03,200
this is the packet
of script revisions for today.
You'll see it's lavender.
208
00:12:03,244 --> 00:12:05,594
Here are yesterday's,
the yellow script revisions.
209
00:12:05,637 --> 00:12:08,031
Then there were
the pink script revisions
the day before.
210
00:12:08,075 --> 00:12:11,687
I've gone on shows where
we've gone all the way
to goldenrod.
211
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:14,777
Uh, goldenrod and salmon
are the bottom of the barrel.
212
00:12:14,821 --> 00:12:18,825
Okay, and announce, music.Fifty seconds.
213
00:12:18,868 --> 00:12:22,872
Tonight, from the entertainment capital of the world,
214
00:12:22,916 --> 00:12:25,309
whoopi goldberg.
215
00:12:25,353 --> 00:12:27,572
I'll never forget
the first time
I saw Elizabeth.
216
00:12:27,616 --> 00:12:29,574
It was at a cocktail party,
and she said,
217
00:12:29,618 --> 00:12:32,969
"girl, you are sitting
on a diamond mine."
218
00:12:33,013 --> 00:12:37,060
I was so flattered,
till I realized I was
sitting on her purse.
219
00:12:37,104 --> 00:12:39,454
The kind of stuff
that I frequently write...
220
00:12:39,497 --> 00:12:43,284
Is very, very site-specific.
221
00:12:43,327 --> 00:12:45,939
But, Elizabeth, you keep on partyin', honey,
222
00:12:45,982 --> 00:12:50,291
and seeing as
you have done so much for me
and so many other people...
223
00:12:50,334 --> 00:12:53,294
many of them are
in the audience tonight...
224
00:12:53,337 --> 00:12:58,255
I have something
really special for you.
225
00:12:58,299 --> 00:13:00,475
You've made it
to the big 6-5,
226
00:13:00,518 --> 00:13:03,870
and I want to do this
from my heart.
227
00:13:03,913 --> 00:13:08,962
I'd like to present you
with a little something no one
else would dareto give you:
228
00:13:09,005 --> 00:13:10,964
Your first
social security check.
229
00:13:11,007 --> 00:13:14,794
Now listen, girl, don't you go spending it in all one place.
230
00:13:14,837 --> 00:13:18,188
Unless, of course,
it's Harry Winston.
231
00:13:18,232 --> 00:13:21,975
Happy birthday,
Elizabeth Taylor.
May you have many, many more.
232
00:13:22,018 --> 00:13:24,847
What I do is topical, is of the moment.
233
00:13:24,891 --> 00:13:28,677
It's tied in
to what's happening at...
it doesn't have a shelf life.
234
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:33,073
Sorry I'm squinting.
I left my good glasses
at a restaurant in brentwood.
235
00:13:43,344 --> 00:13:45,302
And I called to see
if they had them, and they said,
236
00:13:45,346 --> 00:13:48,610
"yes, but you'll have
to come get them yourself."
237
00:13:57,749 --> 00:14:01,710
I subscribe to
64 newspapers and magazines.
238
00:14:01,753 --> 00:14:03,799
Sources everywhere.
239
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:07,542
It's all raw material
for the kind of stuff I write.
It's what's happening every day.
240
00:14:07,585 --> 00:14:11,851
I brought something
which I'd like to share
with all of you.
241
00:14:11,894 --> 00:14:14,723
"Who's gay, who's not."
242
00:14:14,766 --> 00:14:16,856
This is the real
knotts landingreunion.
243
00:14:19,380 --> 00:14:21,904
Here's news.
"Titanic sinks."
244
00:14:21,948 --> 00:14:23,906
How old is
this tabloid ?
245
00:14:23,950 --> 00:14:27,910
This isn't exactly
how Noel coward came up
with his material.
246
00:14:27,954 --> 00:14:31,305
But then again,
he never had to do
a benefit in Santa fe.
247
00:14:31,348 --> 00:14:34,047
I have
the Santa fe new Mexican,
our local paper.
248
00:14:34,090 --> 00:14:36,049
Was this
the old Mexican one ?
249
00:14:36,092 --> 00:14:38,312
Is anything happening
we can make fun of ?
250
00:14:38,355 --> 00:14:41,228
The local section
might yield something.
251
00:14:41,271 --> 00:14:44,013
"Gas line leak
forces evacuation."
252
00:14:44,057 --> 00:14:48,235
Well, now. There it is.
253
00:14:48,278 --> 00:14:51,803
I don't know if it's big enough.
Now I have to find out
if this is a biggas leak.
254
00:14:51,847 --> 00:14:55,068
If the entire town was
incapacitated by a gas leak,
255
00:14:55,111 --> 00:14:59,942
then there's
a fart joke somewhere.
256
00:14:59,986 --> 00:15:02,858
Then you find out
who the fattest
public personality is,
257
00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:06,253
and you say, well,
"he had a gas leak."
258
00:15:06,296 --> 00:15:11,084
Hello ? Is there a famous
fat person who lives here ?
259
00:15:11,127 --> 00:15:14,391
I understand the mayor
is hysterical. Is this true ?
260
00:15:14,435 --> 00:15:17,568
Uh, what's the mayor's name ?
261
00:15:17,612 --> 00:15:20,920
Debbie... jaramillo ?
262
00:15:23,879 --> 00:15:28,101
While you've been sitting here,
the entire downtown district
was evacuated.
263
00:15:28,144 --> 00:15:32,366
Because Debbie jaramillo
had a gas leak.
264
00:15:35,456 --> 00:15:39,112
The first time I ever saw Bruce, I just sort of went,
265
00:15:39,155 --> 00:15:41,114
"wow !"
266
00:15:41,157 --> 00:15:45,901
Wow, there was someone who
was as unusual-looking...
267
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:47,903
As people kept
telling me I was.
268
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:51,515
You were so adorable.
You really were cute
as a child.
269
00:15:51,559 --> 00:15:54,562
Look at this.
Is that not adorable ?i don't know who that is.
270
00:15:54,605 --> 00:15:57,260
That's retouched.
271
00:15:57,304 --> 00:16:00,002
That's retouched.Every bar mitzvah photo
is retouched.
272
00:16:00,046 --> 00:16:02,526
No Jewish kid
is cute at 13.
273
00:16:06,095 --> 00:16:09,272
I was born in New York City during the worst blizzard...
274
00:16:09,316 --> 00:16:12,014
In the history of New York City.
275
00:16:12,058 --> 00:16:14,886
It was
the most difficult labor...
276
00:16:14,930 --> 00:16:18,151
That anyone
ever went through,
when Bruce was born.
277
00:16:18,194 --> 00:16:20,892
You know, of course,
he's adopted.
278
00:16:20,936 --> 00:16:22,894
But, be that as it may...
279
00:16:22,938 --> 00:16:26,159
I was adopted
when I was four days old
and taken home to New Jersey,
280
00:16:26,202 --> 00:16:30,119
which was probably the first slight that I had to suffer in my life.
281
00:16:30,163 --> 00:16:32,339
I had to leave New York and
go to Jersey at a tender age.
282
00:16:32,382 --> 00:16:37,518
The only thing that he had
to condemn me for,
in all my mothering,
283
00:16:37,561 --> 00:16:40,042
was the fact that
I cut his hair too short.
284
00:16:40,086 --> 00:16:42,914
Now, I ask you:
Is that so vital ?that's the only thing.
285
00:16:42,958 --> 00:16:46,440
My family... we're
all very similar, and we're
none of US related by blood.
286
00:16:46,483 --> 00:16:50,835
Everybody is somebody else's
stepmother and second wife
and adopted child.
287
00:16:50,879 --> 00:16:56,189
The fact is, he is more
like me than any child
that was ever naturally born.
288
00:16:56,232 --> 00:17:00,062
We're all like
some sort of malamutes that
were raised in the same igloo.
289
00:17:00,106 --> 00:17:03,718
We look alike. We talk alike. We think alike. It's, uh...
290
00:17:03,761 --> 00:17:07,287
it's an argument against
the idea that there's a gene.
291
00:17:07,330 --> 00:17:09,550
My father was a doctor.
292
00:17:09,593 --> 00:17:12,031
He was. He used
to love to gamble
like so many doctors.
293
00:17:12,074 --> 00:17:15,817
"It's life and death every day."
Well, he was an optometrist,
but still...
294
00:17:15,860 --> 00:17:20,517
and my mother was
a singer/dancer
Broadway musical type.
295
00:17:20,561 --> 00:17:23,477
I used to be in a lot
of the shows for charity.
296
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:25,479
Her passion was to be
a part of the theater.
297
00:17:25,522 --> 00:17:30,049
I felt I did a pretty good job,
but nothing compared
to the job that Bruce did...
298
00:17:30,092 --> 00:17:33,922
When he came home
and imitated me imitating them.
299
00:17:33,965 --> 00:17:37,099
- It was a show in itself.
- She was the very
flamboyant one.
300
00:17:37,143 --> 00:17:39,667
She thought it was great that I wanted to be in show business.
301
00:17:39,710 --> 00:17:43,236
My father wasn't so thrilled
with that, but he did have
a soft spot for it,
302
00:17:43,279 --> 00:17:45,499
because he took me
to see all these shows.
303
00:17:45,542 --> 00:17:48,067
The first show I saw was Carol Channing's big flop,
304
00:17:48,110 --> 00:17:50,243
a musical calledthe vamp.
305
00:17:50,286 --> 00:17:52,680
It was really just awful.
306
00:17:52,723 --> 00:17:56,945
Whenever I mention it,
I get a doll from her...
of me with a pin in it.
307
00:17:56,988 --> 00:17:59,904
She says, "will you stop
telling them about the vamp ?
308
00:17:59,948 --> 00:18:02,994
I've spent 30 years
burying that Turkey."
309
00:18:03,038 --> 00:18:04,996
But it was the thing that got me going.
310
00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:09,044
Everybody was pink and spangly, and the lights changed,
311
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:12,265
and the sets flew in, and everybody moved and finished every number...
312
00:18:12,308 --> 00:18:15,964
Like that...
and I thought, "that's the way
the world should be."
313
00:18:16,007 --> 00:18:19,446
There was never any question
in my mind, ever,
314
00:18:19,489 --> 00:18:22,971
that Bruce would be anything
but something in the theater.
315
00:18:23,014 --> 00:18:27,280
I think I just
felt different, other than,
aside from, the rest.
316
00:18:27,323 --> 00:18:32,285
Most of the time, you see
heavy people and you think,
"oh, they eat anything."
317
00:18:32,328 --> 00:18:35,462
Bruce was a very fussy eater.
318
00:18:35,505 --> 00:18:39,814
He really was.
As a result, I was very
conscious of what I prepared,
319
00:18:39,857 --> 00:18:44,645
but unfortunately,
in those days we didn't know
about the level of fat...
320
00:18:44,688 --> 00:18:49,606
And the level of this and that,
and so we cooked, you know,
from our hearts.
321
00:18:49,650 --> 00:18:54,002
As a result,
well, you know Bruce is...
322
00:18:54,045 --> 00:18:57,179
and so, in order to compensate, he decided to be the class clown.
323
00:18:57,223 --> 00:19:01,836
I could defuse
a potentially violent situation
by making a joke...
324
00:19:01,879 --> 00:19:05,187
Or making a face or making
the ever-popular fart noise.
325
00:19:05,231 --> 00:19:07,189
That always disarmed them.
326
00:19:07,233 --> 00:19:12,194
That's all sort of
adult lingo, you know,
"defusing a situation."
327
00:19:12,238 --> 00:19:14,196
We didn't know that's
what we were doing.
328
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:18,983
If you got a minute to run,
you know, you ran !
329
00:19:19,027 --> 00:19:21,638
I think every person
who makes people laugh
would prefer...
330
00:19:21,682 --> 00:19:23,945
To just beat
the crap out of people
if they could.
331
00:19:23,988 --> 00:19:27,078
But lacking that ability,
they say, "why don't
we make them laugh ?"
332
00:19:27,122 --> 00:19:30,038
If I could trade it
all in for a very smooth
karate routine, I would.
333
00:19:30,081 --> 00:19:32,649
I remember being miserable
a lot when I was a kid...
334
00:19:32,693 --> 00:19:35,913
Because I was fat
and I was not athletic.
335
00:19:35,957 --> 00:19:40,004
Actually, I was very athletic
through the first three years
of high school.
336
00:19:40,048 --> 00:19:44,139
Because that was one way
I overcame feeling kind of...
being small.
337
00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:46,141
And I was a wrestler.
338
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:48,535
Well, I was a homosexual,
and they wouldn't
let me wrestle.
339
00:19:48,578 --> 00:19:50,580
Really ? They suspected.
340
00:19:50,624 --> 00:19:53,888
They suspected.
That could be the start.
341
00:19:53,931 --> 00:19:56,238
You won ! It's over.
342
00:19:56,282 --> 00:19:59,633
Bruce, get off him !
It's over !
You've pinned him.
343
00:19:59,676 --> 00:20:02,244
You've pinned him !let go of him !
Don't...
344
00:20:02,288 --> 00:20:05,900
The towel !
Give me the towel !
345
00:20:05,943 --> 00:20:09,556
Somebody get some cold water ! Someone get them a room !
346
00:20:09,599 --> 00:20:12,907
When I got to high school,
then I kind of blossomed
because I was acting.
347
00:20:12,950 --> 00:20:17,216
I was in every school play,
and I was very popular
for being in those things,
348
00:20:17,259 --> 00:20:19,218
and that extended to college.
349
00:20:19,261 --> 00:20:22,395
When I got to Ohio state, I majored in theater and journalism.
350
00:20:22,438 --> 00:20:25,572
I started writing for
the college paper, and
I began writing about movies.
351
00:20:25,615 --> 00:20:28,096
And this was the time
of the student revolution.
352
00:20:28,139 --> 00:20:30,794
Strike to prove
you're alive ! strike !
353
00:20:30,838 --> 00:20:33,971
And the studios kept reading
what the student critics
were writing.
354
00:20:34,015 --> 00:20:36,539
I would get studio heads
calling me up, saying,
355
00:20:36,583 --> 00:20:38,933
"we think you have the key
to the new direction.
356
00:20:38,976 --> 00:20:40,978
"Fly out here and tell US
what you think of...
357
00:20:41,022 --> 00:20:43,459
- Strike ! Strike !
- "The strawberry statement...
358
00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:47,550
Andeasy rider
and things like that."
359
00:20:47,594 --> 00:20:49,857
So I would sit in a room full of people wearing beads...
360
00:20:49,900 --> 00:20:52,773
And Paisley shirts,
with a bunch of
studio executives...
361
00:20:52,816 --> 00:20:54,775
Wearing beads
and Paisley shirts.
362
00:20:54,818 --> 00:20:56,777
They were all 30 years
older than we were.
363
00:20:56,820 --> 00:20:59,997
We were all
smoking dope together,
pontificating about the movies.
364
00:21:00,041 --> 00:21:02,522
I thought,
"I think this is a business
I really want to be in."
365
00:21:02,565 --> 00:21:04,959
So I started writing about show business,
366
00:21:05,002 --> 00:21:08,789
and I got a job on thechicago tribune out of college.
367
00:21:08,832 --> 00:21:10,791
The Chicago tribune
was the paper...
368
00:21:10,834 --> 00:21:14,011
That had the notorious
lead paragraph:
369
00:21:14,055 --> 00:21:16,710
"U.s. Marines beat off
5,000 Vietcong today...
370
00:21:23,020 --> 00:21:26,676
In hand-to-hand combat."
371
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:30,158
I went there,
and I was a movie critic,
television critic...
372
00:21:30,201 --> 00:21:33,335
eventually, I was writing
a column about the people I met.
373
00:21:33,379 --> 00:21:36,077
One of the people I met
while I was in Chicago
was Bette midler.
374
00:21:36,120 --> 00:21:40,081
I was working at Mr. Kelly,
which was a great nightclub.
375
00:21:40,124 --> 00:21:42,649
Bruce and I
first met in Chicago...
376
00:21:42,692 --> 00:21:44,651
at the playboy club
in Chicago.
377
00:21:44,694 --> 00:21:46,827
And Bruce was
kind of lurking around,
378
00:21:46,870 --> 00:21:50,396
and eventually I guess
he got up the courage
to come and meet me.
379
00:21:50,439 --> 00:21:55,096
We shared a fondness for green
goddess salad dressing. We used
to take it home by the bottle.
380
00:21:55,139 --> 00:22:00,014
He came back a few times,
and that's the first time
that I met Bruce, was...
381
00:22:00,057 --> 00:22:02,669
I try to meet everybody
who gives me a good review...
382
00:22:02,712 --> 00:22:05,062
And, um...
and buy them gifts.
383
00:22:05,106 --> 00:22:08,370
And that was the first time
I met Bruce, so I'm guessing...
384
00:22:08,414 --> 00:22:10,677
- It's about...
- 24 years ago.
385
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:15,421
The Chicago triboffered him
a position with a byline...
386
00:22:15,464 --> 00:22:18,293
And a column, etcetera,
387
00:22:18,337 --> 00:22:21,775
to interview celebrities.
388
00:22:21,818 --> 00:22:24,386
And so, that's what he did
for quite a long time.
389
00:22:24,430 --> 00:22:27,607
And he was very good at it,
and he liked the work,
390
00:22:27,650 --> 00:22:30,044
but it was going
no place fast.
391
00:22:30,087 --> 00:22:32,873
So, eventually he decided
he would come west.
392
00:22:32,916 --> 00:22:36,093
Which is interesting,
because he could have gone east.
He could have gone to New York.
393
00:22:36,137 --> 00:22:38,400
Being in the middle
of Chicago, you can go
either east or west,
394
00:22:38,444 --> 00:22:41,708
but he decided to go
to L.A., and I remember
thinking at the time,
395
00:22:41,751 --> 00:22:44,406
"what's he gonna
go therefor ?"
396
00:22:59,247 --> 00:23:03,469
Bruce was the head writer for the Brady bunch variety hour.
397
00:23:03,512 --> 00:23:07,429
And I, you know,
I had come out here...
398
00:23:07,473 --> 00:23:10,171
With high, high aspirations.
399
00:23:10,214 --> 00:23:13,217
I thought, "I'm going to conquer
the art world of television."
What did I know ?
400
00:23:13,261 --> 00:23:16,569
He was pretty racy
for US, actually.
401
00:23:16,612 --> 00:23:20,747
The same people who managed
Florence managed the osmonds.
402
00:23:20,790 --> 00:23:23,663
They said, "we'd like you to do
Donny and Marie," and I said,
403
00:23:23,706 --> 00:23:27,971
"Donny and Marie.
Hello, bottom."
404
00:23:30,409 --> 00:23:34,413
I had to make the osmonds hip. Are you hip ?
405
00:23:34,456 --> 00:23:36,937
Well, I was when
I started with you.Oh, my god.
406
00:23:36,980 --> 00:23:40,244
I managed to damp that down
with years of Donny and Marie.Oh, well.
407
00:23:40,288 --> 00:23:43,465
They brought Donny in
and said, "this is Bruce.
He'll be writing the show."
408
00:23:43,509 --> 00:23:45,467
And Donny looked at me.
409
00:23:45,511 --> 00:23:47,469
And he said,
410
00:23:47,513 --> 00:23:50,472
"you look just like
a muppet."
411
00:23:54,868 --> 00:23:59,220
I said, "it's true.
Jim henson had his fist
up my ass not ten minutes ago."
412
00:24:00,743 --> 00:24:03,137
And he backed out
of the room.
413
00:24:03,180 --> 00:24:06,532
Bruce vilanch has made
a lot of money...
414
00:24:06,575 --> 00:24:09,317
Trying to make people hip.
415
00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:13,408
He's had a lot of successes,
but I'd love to know
about his failures.
416
00:24:13,452 --> 00:24:15,410
I think I could
name a couple.
417
00:24:15,454 --> 00:24:18,239
Bruce, I've just got to say
I'm waiting for the day...
418
00:24:18,282 --> 00:24:23,113
That you'll write me
a monologue to do
in blackface with whoopi.
419
00:24:27,335 --> 00:24:31,382
Actress whoopi goldberg
has rushed to the defense
of boyfriend Ted Danson.
420
00:24:31,426 --> 00:24:33,515
Danson wore blackface, used racial epithets...
421
00:24:33,559 --> 00:24:37,824
And made jokes about his sex life with goldberg at a roast honoring her.
422
00:24:37,867 --> 00:24:43,003
That Mr. Danson came
in blackface was my idea.
423
00:24:43,046 --> 00:24:47,224
During the course
of the year, there's been
a lot written in the tabloids...
424
00:24:47,268 --> 00:24:49,226
About Ted and I.
425
00:24:49,270 --> 00:24:54,754
The notes and letters we get
from people often start,
"dear nigger lover..."
426
00:24:54,797 --> 00:24:59,585
so, we thought,
why not just take it
to the very extreme,
427
00:24:59,628 --> 00:25:02,849
bust it wide open,
make all of the jokes...
428
00:25:02,892 --> 00:25:06,069
And see if anybody
was gonna top them.
429
00:25:06,113 --> 00:25:09,246
I've been to
other friars' roasts,
430
00:25:09,290 --> 00:25:11,684
and I think this one
went a bit over the line.
431
00:25:11,727 --> 00:25:15,470
I'm not actually shielding
Bruce with the friars club,
432
00:25:15,514 --> 00:25:18,125
because Bruce did
what I asked him to do,
433
00:25:18,168 --> 00:25:20,867
which was to help me
punch up material
that I put together.
434
00:25:20,910 --> 00:25:24,392
I put the material
together because it was
a friars club roast.
435
00:25:24,435 --> 00:25:28,265
I think that as we march into the politically-correct millennium,
436
00:25:28,309 --> 00:25:32,879
it's getting harder
to distinguish what's
genuinely funny anymore.
437
00:25:32,922 --> 00:25:36,056
The things that we-we...
438
00:25:36,099 --> 00:25:40,451
used were
the basest, lowest,
439
00:25:40,495 --> 00:25:44,064
funniest, uh...
440
00:25:44,107 --> 00:25:47,284
crassest things
we could think of.
441
00:25:47,328 --> 00:25:51,680
Lots of things strike US
individually as amusing,
and then we discover...
442
00:25:51,724 --> 00:25:55,815
much to our dismay
as they flame out...
443
00:25:55,858 --> 00:25:58,121
that the audience doesn't
see it the way we see it.
444
00:25:58,165 --> 00:26:01,168
It pissed
a lot of people off,
and that's too bad.
445
00:26:01,211 --> 00:26:05,302
It's like watching a plane
take off with your family on it,
and it just blows up.
446
00:26:05,346 --> 00:26:09,045
I put it together. I did it.
I take responsibility for it.
447
00:26:09,089 --> 00:26:12,919
And if they didn't
like it, fuck 'em.
448
00:26:12,962 --> 00:26:16,096
Much of what we do
is like a free fall
kind of an adventure.
449
00:26:16,139 --> 00:26:20,927
If it's done right,
you're right on the edge.
You're working without a net.
450
00:26:20,970 --> 00:26:22,972
To do that,
you have to have people
around you who you trust.
451
00:26:23,016 --> 00:26:28,282
That's why Bette goes
to Bruce, and that's why
Lily and whoopi...
452
00:26:28,325 --> 00:26:31,590
they will all go
to Bruce vilanch.
They all say, "get vilanch."
453
00:26:31,633 --> 00:26:36,246
Part of the way that people
view me is because of how
Bruce has written for me.
454
00:26:36,290 --> 00:26:39,423
And I'm very
grateful for that,
'cause it makes me...
455
00:26:39,467 --> 00:26:43,166
Actually look
much smarter than I am.
456
00:26:43,210 --> 00:26:49,129
Basically, I'll find out what I'm supposed to do and where I'm supposed to be,
457
00:26:49,172 --> 00:26:52,219
and I'll call Bruce and say,
"I'm doing this thing,
458
00:26:52,262 --> 00:26:55,657
where people are
going to want me to,
you know, verbalize."
459
00:26:55,701 --> 00:26:59,618
So he'll come up
with a concept,
and then send me.
460
00:26:59,661 --> 00:27:01,968
He'll send it, and then
I'll go through it and say,
461
00:27:02,011 --> 00:27:03,796
"can we do this and this ?"
462
00:27:03,839 --> 00:27:05,536
It's a telephone collaboration.
463
00:27:05,580 --> 00:27:07,538
I'm never in one place,
and Bruce is always gone.
464
00:27:07,582 --> 00:27:09,540
He's never
in the same place either.
465
00:27:09,584 --> 00:27:13,806
Clinton. Clinton.
I wonder which
Clinton that is.
466
00:27:13,849 --> 00:27:15,808
Hello, dear.Hello.
467
00:27:15,851 --> 00:27:21,248
You know, billhas asked me
to do his 50th birthday.
You know that.
468
00:27:21,291 --> 00:27:25,034
- Ah, the big radio city bash.
- The radio city big bash.
469
00:27:25,078 --> 00:27:29,909
♪♪
470
00:27:29,952 --> 00:27:34,783
With many, many interesting people on the bill,
471
00:27:34,827 --> 00:27:38,657
what shall I do...
what shall I do ?
472
00:27:38,700 --> 00:27:43,618
I've worked up a couple
of things. A little something.
Hold on, accessing.
473
00:27:43,662 --> 00:27:47,100
Please hold.
Still checking. Okay.
474
00:27:47,143 --> 00:27:49,102
First, I think you should
come out and say,
475
00:27:49,145 --> 00:27:51,104
"good evening,
I'm Colin Powell."
476
00:27:53,541 --> 00:27:56,631
Anyway, it's really good
to be here, truly. 'Cause
some of US are from Hollywood.
477
00:27:56,675 --> 00:28:02,115
Yes, where they think
Rwanda is the name
of a talk show host.
478
00:28:02,158 --> 00:28:05,858
L.A., baby. If you can't
be a star, at least
you can be a star witness.
479
00:28:05,901 --> 00:28:08,730
Anyway...
480
00:28:08,774 --> 00:28:10,863
in addition to
the presidential tributes,
whoopi and I have done...
481
00:28:10,906 --> 00:28:13,039
Two academy award shows.
482
00:28:13,082 --> 00:28:16,129
The first thing that happens when you get a big show like the academy awards...
483
00:28:16,172 --> 00:28:18,131
and I've done
the last eight of them...
484
00:28:18,174 --> 00:28:21,134
is you have to figure out who is gonna do what on the show,
485
00:28:21,177 --> 00:28:23,876
what elements are
going to be different,
who's going to present what,
486
00:28:23,919 --> 00:28:25,878
what production numbers
are going to be done...
487
00:28:25,921 --> 00:28:27,880
And what the role
of the host is gonna be.
488
00:28:27,923 --> 00:28:31,884
Sometimes the host,
if it's Billy crystal,
will come out and do a number.
489
00:28:31,927 --> 00:28:35,104
♪♪
490
00:28:35,148 --> 00:28:39,065
If it's David letterman,
he's going to bring
a spinning dog or something.
491
00:28:39,108 --> 00:28:41,545
We had to figure out
what whoopi was going to do.
492
00:28:41,589 --> 00:28:43,591
Once we figured out
what whoopi was going to do...
493
00:28:43,634 --> 00:28:48,335
she was going
to do a very strong,
fast monologue up front,
494
00:28:48,378 --> 00:28:50,337
and then just
keep coming back...
495
00:28:50,380 --> 00:28:52,905
And bumping along
as the show went on.
496
00:28:52,948 --> 00:28:55,255
She wasn't going to do
any production numbers,
497
00:28:55,298 --> 00:28:57,823
and she wasn't going
to do any other stuff.
498
00:28:57,866 --> 00:29:00,651
Then it was about
writing them. So that's
when I had to sit down...
499
00:29:00,695 --> 00:29:03,263
And actually come up with
what she was going to say.
500
00:29:03,306 --> 00:29:06,832
All right !
No, I don't think it's
a good idea to end it like that.
501
00:29:06,875 --> 00:29:09,791
That should be your last word
on the academy awards ?
Probably not.
502
00:29:09,835 --> 00:29:13,534
Now I've written all
this stuff, and it goes
to everybody for approval.
503
00:29:13,577 --> 00:29:17,451
It goes to the host. It goes to, in some cases, the host's hairdresser,
504
00:29:17,494 --> 00:29:22,499
the host's holistic pet psychiatrist, the host's spouse of the moment.
505
00:29:22,543 --> 00:29:26,808
The host's mealymouthed little assistant, who faxes it back to me with his own notes.
506
00:29:26,852 --> 00:29:29,855
It goes to the producers. It goes to the network. It goes to the academy...
507
00:29:29,898 --> 00:29:32,640
- everybody has something
to say about it.
- I'm Susan futterman.
508
00:29:32,683 --> 00:29:37,166
I'm director of
broadcast standards for abc.
509
00:29:37,210 --> 00:29:39,908
I'm a censor.
510
00:29:39,952 --> 00:29:41,910
Welcome to Oscar 66.
511
00:29:41,954 --> 00:29:45,827
So, they went and gave me
a live microphone
for three hours !
512
00:29:45,871 --> 00:29:50,789
Each venue has the right kind
of humor for it.
513
00:29:50,832 --> 00:29:54,662
And, well,
certainly whoopi knows...
514
00:29:54,705 --> 00:29:58,144
Every dirty joke
known to mankind,
as far as I'm concerned.
515
00:29:58,187 --> 00:30:00,146
The first time
I did the oscars,
516
00:30:00,189 --> 00:30:03,976
there was a lot
of ridiculous questioning
in the press.
517
00:30:04,019 --> 00:30:07,544
There haven't been this many
showbiz executives so nervous,
518
00:30:07,588 --> 00:30:11,722
sweating over one woman,
since Heidi fleiss, honey.
519
00:30:11,766 --> 00:30:15,857
From the first line,
everyone went wild.
520
00:30:15,901 --> 00:30:20,557
I said, "I am up the creek
without a paddle on this show."
521
00:30:20,601 --> 00:30:22,864
There seemed to be
this big old question
as to whether...
522
00:30:22,908 --> 00:30:27,173
I was gonna, like,
drop my pants
and show my nipples,
523
00:30:27,216 --> 00:30:29,175
and then tie 'em
into knots or something.
524
00:30:29,218 --> 00:30:31,873
It was just so much bullshit
you couldn't imagine.
525
00:30:31,917 --> 00:30:35,268
As I said, I recently
had whoopi on at midnight,
526
00:30:35,311 --> 00:30:37,574
and, yes, she got bleeped.
527
00:30:37,618 --> 00:30:41,883
These were people who wanted
crude stuff and didn't know
how to ask for it, see ?
528
00:30:41,927 --> 00:30:43,885
That was the key.
That's what I figured out.
529
00:30:43,929 --> 00:30:46,453
They wanted me to do stuff
so they could beep it,
530
00:30:46,496 --> 00:30:49,108
to make it a big deal
so people would call up and say,
531
00:30:49,151 --> 00:30:52,067
"whoopi just said the 'f' word.
Tune in."
532
00:30:52,111 --> 00:30:55,114
There are many that we say
to ourselves in the wings,
533
00:30:55,157 --> 00:30:57,681
that we laugh at
that we would never
actually do on the air,
534
00:30:57,725 --> 00:30:59,727
because they're just wrong,
535
00:30:59,770 --> 00:31:02,382
just of the moment...
they're cruel, they're vicious.
536
00:31:02,425 --> 00:31:06,690
We're people under pressure.
We say things we would regret
if the public knew them.
537
00:31:06,734 --> 00:31:09,128
The academy awards, the longest,
most suspenseful night...
538
00:31:09,171 --> 00:31:11,391
In show business
since Lisa Marie...
539
00:31:11,434 --> 00:31:14,220
Waited for Michael Jackson
to come out of the bathroom.
540
00:31:16,613 --> 00:31:20,661
- We were going to do it.
- We were gonna do it.
541
00:31:20,704 --> 00:31:22,924
But they thought it was
a little close to the bone.
542
00:31:22,968 --> 00:31:25,535
Yeah, really.
Which bone ?
543
00:31:25,579 --> 00:31:29,800
Things happen that change
what's going to occur
on the show itself.
544
00:31:29,844 --> 00:31:33,500
That's when I'm standing
in the wings like a lamprey...
545
00:31:33,543 --> 00:31:36,633
On the host...
I'm like an appendage,
546
00:31:36,677 --> 00:31:39,898
watching the show as it unfolds, and adjusting.
547
00:31:39,941 --> 00:31:43,553
She did, uh,
"the colors of my wind,"
which is still a hotly-debated...
548
00:31:43,597 --> 00:31:47,122
to do a fart joke on the oscars,
this is a rare occurrence.
549
00:31:47,166 --> 00:31:49,255
The worst, the worst.
550
00:31:49,298 --> 00:31:53,259
I think Vanessa Williams
had just done this song,
551
00:31:53,302 --> 00:31:55,957
"the color of the wind,"
552
00:31:56,001 --> 00:31:58,003
and it was just
too much for me.
553
00:31:58,046 --> 00:32:00,570
The song was
too much for me,
and I was overcome...
554
00:32:00,614 --> 00:32:03,660
With my own...
Ridiculousness.
555
00:32:03,704 --> 00:32:07,621
Beautiful song.
Question I really
want to answer:
556
00:32:07,664 --> 00:32:10,450
What color ismy wind ?
557
00:32:10,493 --> 00:32:12,626
I didn't think
she was going to say it,
and she did,
558
00:32:12,669 --> 00:32:14,715
but that's what
makes whoopi whoopi.
559
00:32:14,758 --> 00:32:16,717
When you hire her
to do the academy awards,
560
00:32:16,760 --> 00:32:20,634
you know there's going
to be a moment like that,
where she goes off the graph.
561
00:32:20,677 --> 00:32:23,289
That's the whole idea.
If you didn't want
that to happen,
562
00:32:23,332 --> 00:32:25,334
you'd hire
kathie Lee gifford.
563
00:32:31,950 --> 00:32:35,866
Billy is the old school. We meet 10:00 in the morning in the office.
564
00:32:35,910 --> 00:32:37,868
There's bagels.
There's coffee...
565
00:32:37,912 --> 00:32:41,916
it begins like this.
We come in, we sit down.
566
00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:45,441
And go, "so what do ya got ?"an attractive assistant
places this before US.
567
00:32:45,485 --> 00:32:47,574
And there's,
"what are we gonna do ?
568
00:32:47,617 --> 00:32:50,446
How is this gonna be funny ?
I had an idea for
this joke, that joke."
569
00:32:50,490 --> 00:32:52,492
And we sit
and we actually write jokes.
570
00:32:52,535 --> 00:32:56,365
Yes, Carrie Fisher's
writing this year.Right.
571
00:32:56,409 --> 00:32:58,802
We'll do all
of these big jokes.Everything comes in.
572
00:32:58,846 --> 00:33:02,545
I'm Pete the dog from our gang.
573
00:33:02,589 --> 00:33:04,721
Bette midler is
with US this evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
574
00:33:04,765 --> 00:33:07,420
You like the new ring ?
575
00:33:07,463 --> 00:33:12,164
A little fruity.Never carry cash.
Don't leave home without this.
576
00:33:12,207 --> 00:33:14,601
Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the academy, Karl Malden.
577
00:33:14,644 --> 00:33:17,343
And then there's something like this...that's how we open the show.
578
00:33:17,386 --> 00:33:20,172
And then I'll pick this up
and do a Milton berle joke.
579
00:33:20,215 --> 00:33:23,914
We have a very good, fun
relationship with each other,
and we can spar.
580
00:33:23,958 --> 00:33:26,830
It's better to be in the room
than it is to get a fax.
581
00:33:26,874 --> 00:33:28,832
And his faxes are great.
582
00:33:28,876 --> 00:33:31,313
Apparently, a lot of people
tell me he's a great faxer.
583
00:33:31,357 --> 00:33:35,100
I like being in a room
with him, because
good things always happen.
584
00:33:35,143 --> 00:33:39,191
That's why,
you know, every year,
585
00:33:39,234 --> 00:33:41,193
my first call is to Bruce.
586
00:33:41,236 --> 00:33:45,197
Once I know that he's there, we're like a baseball team.
587
00:33:45,240 --> 00:33:47,199
We're strong up the middle.
588
00:33:47,242 --> 00:33:50,419
When we do the oscars,
we can't do anything until
the nominations are announced,
589
00:33:50,463 --> 00:33:52,900
which are six weeks
before the oscars,
590
00:33:52,943 --> 00:33:55,250
because then we'll know
who is going to, uh,
591
00:33:55,294 --> 00:33:57,252
be offended,
who will show up,
592
00:33:57,296 --> 00:34:00,864
who will exercise
a ritual taking-of-umbrage.Right.
593
00:34:00,908 --> 00:34:05,608
Then we see what we've got
in front of US, what movies
we can make fun of.
594
00:34:05,652 --> 00:34:09,308
We made fun of
all of them at once,
in one film piece.
595
00:34:09,351 --> 00:34:12,224
I said, why don't we do a funny thing happened on the way to the theater...
596
00:34:12,267 --> 00:34:15,966
By using these movies,
and I could somehow be
morphed into these movies ?
597
00:34:16,010 --> 00:34:20,014
We took the biggest picture of last year and used it as the way in,
598
00:34:20,058 --> 00:34:23,235
because that was the one movie we figured everybody would've seen.
599
00:34:25,280 --> 00:34:28,153
And then, when we were doing
the Jerry maguirething...
600
00:34:28,196 --> 00:34:31,025
speaking of
a spontaneous moment...
601
00:34:31,069 --> 00:34:34,246
he was not wearing a shirt,
with all these gold chains.Which was youridea.
602
00:34:34,289 --> 00:34:39,599
Yeah, and he said...
I've been longing to see him
without a shirt since 1973.
603
00:34:39,642 --> 00:34:42,428
We're just about
to shoot the thing,
and he said,
604
00:34:42,471 --> 00:34:44,952
"I really feel
strange about not
wearing a shirt.
605
00:34:44,995 --> 00:34:47,650
I feel so naked."
I said, "say that.
Use it."
606
00:34:47,694 --> 00:34:50,523
I will do the show,
but I got some demands.
I want a shirt.
607
00:34:50,566 --> 00:34:52,351
- 'Cause these chains
are freezing.
- Fine.
608
00:34:52,394 --> 00:34:54,353
- I want pauly shore to win
the thalberg award.
- Fine !
609
00:34:54,396 --> 00:34:57,399
I want you to explain to me
the plot of mission impossible.
610
00:34:57,443 --> 00:34:59,140
- Fine !
- I want you to kick
the wall three times.
611
00:34:59,184 --> 00:35:00,794
-Fine ! Fine !
-Kick it ! Kick it ! Kick it !
612
00:35:00,837 --> 00:35:04,232
- Fine !
- Ow ! Jerry, that's what
I dig about you, man !
613
00:35:04,276 --> 00:35:08,541
And Bruce and the other guys
would throw out things.
614
00:35:08,584 --> 00:35:12,153
It started to write itself and...too much ?
615
00:35:12,197 --> 00:35:15,852
Everybody would submit Jo...
this is one day's
worth of meetings.
616
00:35:15,896 --> 00:35:18,246
These are all the jokes that
the guys would come up with.
617
00:35:18,290 --> 00:35:22,163
And I went through...
I must have done 30 minutes
of different things.
618
00:35:22,207 --> 00:35:25,645
- We did a million
different lines.
- It was great Jewish whining.
619
00:35:25,688 --> 00:35:28,561
- All the way through.
- I took the stage
without taking the stage.
620
00:35:28,604 --> 00:35:31,259
Yeah. Exactly.Without being on.
I-It's...
621
00:35:31,303 --> 00:35:34,132
we should talk
about the entrances.The entrances, uh,
622
00:35:34,175 --> 00:35:37,396
started with, uh,
coming out on a horse.
623
00:35:37,439 --> 00:35:40,355
And it was such a big year
for dances with wolves,
we knew it was gonna sweep.
624
00:35:40,399 --> 00:35:43,315
We said,
"wouldn't it be funny
if he came out on a horse ?"
625
00:35:43,358 --> 00:35:45,317
And that was
the beginning.
626
00:35:45,360 --> 00:35:49,016
Then if you have a horse
at the academy awards,
you have to have a valet Parker.
627
00:35:49,059 --> 00:35:53,194
Then you have
to have the alarm click.
628
00:35:53,238 --> 00:35:57,851
I knew, at that show
that night, how I was gonna
come out the next year.
629
00:35:57,894 --> 00:36:01,681
Silence of the lambshad
come out already, and it was
eligible for the next year.
630
00:36:01,724 --> 00:36:03,900
And it was already...
you could see it was
gonna be something.
631
00:36:03,944 --> 00:36:08,078
I knew a year ahead of time I was gonna come out with a mask.
632
00:36:10,559 --> 00:36:13,301
Actually, one of
the entrances we were gonna
do was the crying game.
633
00:36:13,345 --> 00:36:15,912
That they wouldn't let US do.
Wasn't it that year ?
634
00:36:15,956 --> 00:36:18,350
We thought you would
come out in drag. And it...
635
00:36:18,393 --> 00:36:22,354
and have an Oscar hanging
between your legs.That was your idea.
636
00:36:22,397 --> 00:36:25,487
The reason I didn't
come out in drag was...
637
00:36:25,531 --> 00:36:27,794
Everyone thought
I was going to.Yeah.
638
00:36:27,837 --> 00:36:29,796
And that was
the heavy betting.Yeah.
639
00:36:29,839 --> 00:36:35,671
We get very prepared.
We create...
I'm very worried that...
640
00:36:35,715 --> 00:36:39,066
I know the first
eight minutes is fine,
once we get that.
641
00:36:39,109 --> 00:36:41,286
It's the rest of the show
that's up for grabs.
642
00:36:41,329 --> 00:36:44,724
And that's three-and-a-half,
four hours.
643
00:36:44,767 --> 00:36:47,379
We make a playbook,
not unlike a football team,
644
00:36:47,422 --> 00:36:50,686
with options of different
jokes for who wins,
and who might win...
645
00:36:50,730 --> 00:36:53,254
And who's sitting in the audience.
646
00:36:53,298 --> 00:36:58,041
During the course of the show,
Bruce and I are in the wings.
647
00:36:58,085 --> 00:37:00,522
We go over
very carefully who's won.
648
00:37:00,566 --> 00:37:03,699
We have communication
to the writers on
the other side of the stage.
649
00:37:03,743 --> 00:37:05,919
And we have options.
I'll look at Bruce invariably,
650
00:37:05,962 --> 00:37:08,617
and that's the last voice
I'll listen to before...
651
00:37:08,661 --> 00:37:11,359
I make up something myself,
or go, "what do you think ?"
652
00:37:11,403 --> 00:37:16,451
I think the best example was
the night that Jack palance won
and did the push-ups.
653
00:37:16,495 --> 00:37:20,499
Bruce and I and Robert wall, at the time, we went, "let's run this."
654
00:37:20,542 --> 00:37:23,545
When I said,
"Jack's on the stairmaster.
We'll keep you posted..."
655
00:37:23,589 --> 00:37:25,852
when I said,
"we'll keep you posted,"
656
00:37:25,895 --> 00:37:29,421
I think all of US knew that
we had the runner for the night.
657
00:37:29,464 --> 00:37:33,120
We go to commercial. You got
a minute-and-a-half, two minutes
to come up with a beauty.
658
00:37:33,163 --> 00:37:37,907
I said to Bruce,
as I'm walking to the podium,
I turned to him and said...
659
00:37:37,951 --> 00:37:41,955
Jack palance just bungee-jumped
off the Hollywood sign.
660
00:37:43,478 --> 00:37:45,437
He goes, "say it."
And I did.
661
00:37:45,480 --> 00:37:48,135
That's the kind of relationship
we have during the show.
662
00:37:48,178 --> 00:37:51,356
A billion people
are watching US tonight,
663
00:37:51,399 --> 00:37:54,359
except for Linda Tripp,
who's taping it.
664
00:37:54,402 --> 00:37:59,538
There's a couple of jokes
that I have shied away from
for a few reasons.
665
00:37:59,581 --> 00:38:02,976
Some because I think
they're a little too hard
on somebody personally.
666
00:38:03,019 --> 00:38:05,457
It might embarrass them,
667
00:38:05,500 --> 00:38:08,764
and it was too personal
and not quite right.
668
00:38:08,808 --> 00:38:12,986
Uh, this year,
I came real close...
669
00:38:13,029 --> 00:38:15,336
To saying this joke...
670
00:38:15,380 --> 00:38:18,165
and it was to be
my closing joke...
671
00:38:18,208 --> 00:38:20,167
"well, I'm off to
the governor's ball.
672
00:38:20,210 --> 00:38:23,083
"It's the seventh time...
673
00:38:23,126 --> 00:38:25,085
"That I've been to
the governor's ball.
674
00:38:25,128 --> 00:38:28,480
As a matter of fact,
I've seen more of the governor's
balls than Paula Jones."
675
00:38:28,523 --> 00:38:32,048
It was a really good joke,
and I decided not to do it,
676
00:38:32,092 --> 00:38:35,182
'cause I didn't want
that phone call the next day
from the president.
677
00:38:35,225 --> 00:38:39,229
The other joke I didn't do...
I got that joke right,
didn't I, Bruce ?
678
00:38:39,273 --> 00:38:42,755
It's a good joke.
Umm...
679
00:38:42,798 --> 00:38:47,847
the other joke I didn't do...
"one of you will go home and
find an Oscar on your mantle,
680
00:38:47,890 --> 00:38:51,503
and one of you will go home
and find Robert downey Jr.
asleep on your couch."
681
00:38:51,546 --> 00:38:54,810
I didn't want to do the joke...
people are laughing...
682
00:38:54,854 --> 00:38:57,900
he had a personal problem,
and I didn't feel
I wanted to hit him on it,
683
00:38:57,944 --> 00:39:00,207
though I did like the joke.
684
00:39:00,250 --> 00:39:03,776
We haven't talked
about the medley,
because the medley...
685
00:39:03,819 --> 00:39:07,257
it's a response to those
big, awful opening
production numbers...
686
00:39:07,301 --> 00:39:10,739
which I have also
been involved in...
that they would do.
687
00:39:10,783 --> 00:39:13,699
It was following
the snow white number, which
I was peripherally involved in,
688
00:39:13,742 --> 00:39:15,831
although I have
a shirt that says,
"everything but snow white."
689
00:39:15,875 --> 00:39:17,833
That was not my number.
690
00:39:17,877 --> 00:39:20,662
All those "special material"
numbers, you know ?
691
00:39:20,706 --> 00:39:24,449
- ♪ It's Oscar night
- ♪ Oscar, Oscar
who will win ♪
692
00:39:24,492 --> 00:39:28,583
♪ who could ask
for anything more ♪
he's won variety emmys.
693
00:39:28,627 --> 00:39:30,716
They are variety performances.
Nobody else does that.
694
00:39:30,759 --> 00:39:35,373
Nobody else comes out,
sings, dances, does jokes.
He's the only one.
695
00:39:35,416 --> 00:39:37,375
Hope never did that.
Carson never did that.
696
00:39:37,418 --> 00:39:39,377
They were great,
but they didn't do that.
697
00:39:39,420 --> 00:39:43,250
So I just thought...
I'm working up in case
next year he does it.
698
00:39:43,293 --> 00:39:46,514
Bruce and Marc
are, uh, great...
699
00:39:46,558 --> 00:39:49,299
At writing
rhyming lyrics to things.
700
00:39:49,343 --> 00:39:52,259
It's very hard to do this.
It's very hard.
701
00:39:52,302 --> 00:39:55,610
Hello, I'm Marc shaiman,
composer, arranger.
702
00:39:55,654 --> 00:39:58,178
Have been working
with Bruce for 20 years now.
703
00:39:58,221 --> 00:40:02,225
Been a lot
of collaborators every year.
We seem to be the mainstays.
704
00:40:02,269 --> 00:40:06,186
The toughest one we had...
Was for j.F.K.
705
00:40:06,229 --> 00:40:10,277
That was a hard one.
That was the toughest one
to get a song.
706
00:40:10,320 --> 00:40:14,673
How do you do this ?
We had a bunch of versions.
707
00:40:14,716 --> 00:40:18,111
The first one, which I loved,
was from Fiddler on the roof,
708
00:40:18,154 --> 00:40:22,463
which was,
"a gunman on the knoll.
Sounds crazy, no ?"
709
00:40:22,507 --> 00:40:27,599
But in Oliver stone's j.F.K.,
he would say that
we're allsuspects.
710
00:40:27,642 --> 00:40:31,472
There was...
♪ suspicion
♪ suspicion
that was it.
711
00:40:31,516 --> 00:40:34,693
- We liked that a lot.
- I remember we were trying
"trouble."
712
00:40:34,736 --> 00:40:38,261
That one I'll never forget,
because we wrote it:
713
00:40:38,305 --> 00:40:42,222
♪ With a capital "j"
and it rhymes with "k"
with an "f" in between ♪
714
00:40:42,265 --> 00:40:45,225
We really got trouble.
And "trouble" is from
the music man...
715
00:40:45,268 --> 00:40:49,403
Written by Meredith Wilson,
and all his stuff is controlled
by the widow Wilson.
716
00:40:49,447 --> 00:40:52,537
We had to actually audition
the song for her.
717
00:40:52,580 --> 00:40:56,410
Here are three Jews in a room.
Marc's at the piano. Billy
is dancing around the room,
718
00:40:56,454 --> 00:40:59,152
and I am doing backup vocals
into a speakerphone.
719
00:40:59,195 --> 00:41:02,503
♪ With a capital "d"
and that rhymes... ♪
oh, god.
720
00:41:02,547 --> 00:41:04,810
♪ Shot in the head
da-duh-duh duh-dah
and Oliver stone ♪
721
00:41:04,853 --> 00:41:06,942
"What do you think,
Mrs. Wilson ?"
722
00:41:06,986 --> 00:41:11,730
You've got trouble, boys.
My lawyers will call you.
723
00:41:11,773 --> 00:41:14,384
- Whoo !
- And, uh, okay. Where are we ?
724
00:41:14,428 --> 00:41:17,170
The crying game ?yeah. It was to, uh...
725
00:41:17,213 --> 00:41:20,129
♪ you see a pair
of dancing eyes ♪
726
00:41:20,173 --> 00:41:24,177
♪ your hand keeps creeping
up her thighs ♪
727
00:41:24,220 --> 00:41:28,703
♪ you hurry to the spot
it's just a dot on this dame ♪
728
00:41:28,747 --> 00:41:31,227
♪♪
729
00:41:31,271 --> 00:41:34,187
♪ Those eyes, those thighs
surprise ♪
730
00:41:34,230 --> 00:41:36,624
♪ it's the cryin' game♪
731
00:41:36,668 --> 00:41:38,670
♪ it's the cryin' game♪♪
732
00:41:38,713 --> 00:41:41,368
♪♪
733
00:41:41,411 --> 00:41:45,633
I didn't order that.Yeah, right.
734
00:41:45,677 --> 00:41:47,809
I hope you're rolling this,
'cause this is the stuff...
735
00:41:47,853 --> 00:41:53,423
That's actually
sometimes better
than what we've done.
736
00:41:57,602 --> 00:42:01,780
There's only a few people
in the world I stand in awe of.
737
00:42:01,823 --> 00:42:03,477
And you're one of them.Thank you.
738
00:42:03,521 --> 00:42:07,873
It's not the shirt.
It's not the t-shirt.
It's not the glasses.
739
00:42:07,916 --> 00:42:11,224
It's your mind.
You give great mind.
740
00:42:11,267 --> 00:42:14,401
One of the funniest
motherfuckers on the planet.
741
00:42:14,444 --> 00:42:19,145
Seriously.
Can you say motherfucker ?
Well, too late.
742
00:42:19,188 --> 00:42:22,975
Can we say it in the Greek
sense, like, "oh, oedipus,
you old motherfucker" ?
743
00:42:23,018 --> 00:42:26,239
Oeddy ! Come over here
and talk to mama.
744
00:42:26,282 --> 00:42:28,894
I used to have eyes for mama. But then, I used to have eyes.
745
00:42:28,937 --> 00:42:31,592
But then again,
it's a long way home.
746
00:42:31,636 --> 00:42:34,595
Tell me, Athens
is a rough room, isn't it ?
747
00:42:34,639 --> 00:42:38,730
So what, uh, mothers...
don't love 'em too much.
Good night, everybody.
748
00:42:38,773 --> 00:42:41,036
Or isit night ? Tip your philosophers.
749
00:42:41,080 --> 00:42:45,998
Tip your philosophers...
hi, my name is demosthenes.
Welcome again to club Athens.
750
00:42:46,041 --> 00:42:49,741
You don't write forrobin.
You write atrobin.
751
00:42:49,784 --> 00:42:53,179
You throw the material
into the cage.
752
00:42:53,222 --> 00:42:56,399
- And you see what happens.
- Oh, good ! Mm, ahh !
753
00:42:56,443 --> 00:42:58,750
Right, give me
a wig and I'll march.
Yes, good, good !
754
00:42:58,793 --> 00:43:02,014
Ahh, friend, friend.
Friend feeling good.
755
00:43:02,057 --> 00:43:04,582
Quest for fire
opera gloves.
Good friend !
756
00:43:04,625 --> 00:43:07,236
We were talking
about childhood. We were talking about pain.
757
00:43:07,280 --> 00:43:10,936
- Pain. Pain ?
- Robin's a sponge.
He absorbs a lot of stuff.
758
00:43:10,979 --> 00:43:14,853
Often what we will do
is just sit in the room
and talk to each other...
759
00:43:14,896 --> 00:43:18,900
And record it, or, uh, have
somebody taking things down.
760
00:43:18,944 --> 00:43:24,776
He'll have a conversation
and perform in the conversation
and glean material from that.
761
00:43:24,819 --> 00:43:27,300
The theory is that,
when you're a kid... pain is comedy.
762
00:43:27,343 --> 00:43:29,650
Exactly right.I mean, I was
an only child,
763
00:43:29,694 --> 00:43:31,652
but I used to joke
about it, because...
764
00:43:31,696 --> 00:43:33,828
Actually, my childhood
was pretty great.
765
00:43:33,872 --> 00:43:36,265
I was 16 before
I went to Europe.
766
00:43:36,309 --> 00:43:39,878
Didn't actually get
the car until I was 17 !
Oh, life's a bitch.
767
00:43:39,921 --> 00:43:45,535
Or he'll take a page
and he will just use it
as a starting point.
768
00:43:45,579 --> 00:43:48,582
We lived away
from everybody, because
my father was working for Ford.
769
00:43:48,626 --> 00:43:51,367
We lived on this big farm,
but it was more
than just a farm.
770
00:43:51,411 --> 00:43:53,369
It was actually
an old estate
that he was renting.
771
00:43:53,413 --> 00:43:56,416
This mansion.
It was haunted,
according to the black maid.
772
00:43:56,459 --> 00:43:59,680
"There's haints upstairs."
You know, haints.
773
00:43:59,724 --> 00:44:02,901
It's hainted !
I ain't goin' upstairs.
774
00:44:02,944 --> 00:44:05,251
Haints. Vermin and haints.
775
00:44:05,294 --> 00:44:07,775
"There's haints in here."
Years before the x files.
776
00:44:07,819 --> 00:44:10,082
Lawd, don't go there !
777
00:44:10,125 --> 00:44:13,259
That's what I'm waiting for
in the x files. Somebody who
just turns to the camera...
778
00:44:13,302 --> 00:44:16,915
ah, lawd, help me now !
Feets, don't fail me now !
779
00:44:16,958 --> 00:44:20,440
Aww, did you see the man
with the twee heads ?
780
00:44:20,483 --> 00:44:23,399
Aah ! Dogie, get out
of here now ! Whoa !
781
00:44:23,443 --> 00:44:25,663
It's kind of like
a musician composing,
782
00:44:25,706 --> 00:44:28,709
and he composes with comedy
as he's actually working.
783
00:44:28,753 --> 00:44:31,712
Oh, the man came in.
He had a big-ass head !
784
00:44:31,756 --> 00:44:34,497
A big-ass head ! Holding a hose !
785
00:44:34,541 --> 00:44:36,935
Holding a hose,
and the hole came out
of his head,
786
00:44:36,978 --> 00:44:39,677
and they fired him,
flew out the window !
787
00:44:39,720 --> 00:44:43,028
Help, Mr. Benny !
Can't believe the man.
788
00:44:43,071 --> 00:44:45,595
- Jack Benny in the act.
- Well, Rochester...
789
00:44:45,639 --> 00:44:48,555
it's the smoking man,
Rochester.
790
00:44:48,598 --> 00:44:51,079
Tell agent Scully
we can't go there.
791
00:44:51,123 --> 00:44:53,081
Well, Mr. Benny...
792
00:44:53,125 --> 00:44:55,214
that man has got
an ice pick he'll put
in the back of yo' head.
793
00:44:55,257 --> 00:44:57,390
That's the only way
to kill him !
794
00:44:57,433 --> 00:45:00,741
Honestly, Rochester, we can't
keep finding these alien bodies.
795
00:45:00,785 --> 00:45:02,743
They look like gumby.
796
00:45:02,787 --> 00:45:06,965
When Robin does comic relief,
or when he's on the Oscar show,
797
00:45:07,008 --> 00:45:11,665
or any of these things,
you'll always see him
in the clubs the week before.
798
00:45:11,709 --> 00:45:14,842
Every night, going in,
maybe just doing five minutes...
799
00:45:14,886 --> 00:45:16,844
just showing up, making
a lightning appearance...
800
00:45:16,888 --> 00:45:20,152
because he wants
to test out one little hunk,
just to see how it works.
801
00:45:20,195 --> 00:45:23,111
And from that,
he builds his mosaic.
802
00:45:23,155 --> 00:45:25,113
Aliens abducted me, man.
803
00:45:25,157 --> 00:45:27,768
I'd fallen across the border.
All of a sudden I got
abducted by a truck.
804
00:45:27,812 --> 00:45:31,772
They dropped me off here
right outside San Diego.
I was right there, man.
805
00:45:31,816 --> 00:45:34,079
Right there !fuckin' "a."
They dropped me off.
806
00:45:34,122 --> 00:45:36,864
I saw a blinding light,
and it was guys going,
807
00:45:36,908 --> 00:45:38,866
"Just step away from the car."
808
00:45:38,910 --> 00:45:41,782
I knew it. I was abducted !
They took me.
809
00:45:41,826 --> 00:45:43,784
They took me away, man.
810
00:45:43,828 --> 00:45:46,134
It wasn't like
a little e.T. Motherfucker
either, man.
811
00:45:46,178 --> 00:45:48,441
Phone home ?
No, phone a lawyer !
812
00:45:48,484 --> 00:45:52,662
Get me out, ese.
Don't leave me here.
Come on. Don't be that way.
813
00:45:52,706 --> 00:45:56,318
All of a sudden,
they've got the aliens
with the long, gumby finger.
814
00:45:56,362 --> 00:45:59,757
Why not have an alien
with some rhythm, you know ?
A vatoalien.
815
00:45:59,800 --> 00:46:02,716
Comes off the ship going,
"what's up ?"
816
00:46:02,760 --> 00:46:05,284
Talk to me. I want
to talk to El presidente.
817
00:46:05,327 --> 00:46:08,026
What's up, Hillary ?
Talk with me.
818
00:46:08,069 --> 00:46:12,160
Yeah, don't be afraid.
Do the lambada.
819
00:46:12,204 --> 00:46:15,076
I'm not gonna lambada.
I'm gonna lambada you.
820
00:46:15,120 --> 00:46:18,253
What I'm going to do is...
I'm not gonna do no probes. No macarena.
821
00:46:18,297 --> 00:46:20,299
I'm gonna give you
the deep probe.
822
00:46:20,342 --> 00:46:22,649
And you gonna know about
alien love, you know.
823
00:46:22,692 --> 00:46:26,261
- All comedy
coming from tragedy...
- aw, serious, yeah.
824
00:46:26,305 --> 00:46:28,742
Deeply serious when I went
to that all-boys school
I told you about.
825
00:46:28,786 --> 00:46:32,137
- That all-boys Jewish school.
- That's right.
826
00:46:32,180 --> 00:46:34,269
That was very difficult
when they'd bring girls in
for a dance.
827
00:46:34,313 --> 00:46:37,664
Friend. Friend, hold me.
828
00:46:37,707 --> 00:46:40,928
That's where
the dick jokes come from,
like, the three years of...
829
00:46:43,713 --> 00:46:45,672
I mean you no harm !
830
00:46:45,715 --> 00:46:47,674
You feel like
Peter lorre in m.
831
00:46:47,717 --> 00:46:49,807
I don't want to hurt you.
I merely want to...
832
00:46:49,850 --> 00:46:53,898
Hold close to you
and achieve some sort
of seminal flow.
833
00:46:53,941 --> 00:46:58,293
Most of Robin's stuff happens
when he's on the stage, actually
working the material through.
834
00:46:58,337 --> 00:47:02,123
Oh ! Oh ! Whoa !
835
00:47:02,167 --> 00:47:04,517
I am glad to be here.
836
00:47:04,560 --> 00:47:06,824
Now, look, can you tell
what religion I am ?
837
00:47:06,867 --> 00:47:10,871
You're so nasty.
It's a stimulus-response.
838
00:47:10,915 --> 00:47:14,353
Pavlovian comedy.
Ding ! Oh, a joke.
Ding ! Cool.
839
00:47:14,396 --> 00:47:18,531
So writing with him
is basically hanging on
as he goes through that process.
840
00:47:18,574 --> 00:47:20,533
I also was
in the road company
of deliverance.
841
00:47:20,576 --> 00:47:23,579
We had a thing...
♪ squeal like you know me
squeal like you need me ♪
842
00:47:23,623 --> 00:47:28,584
We had a pool the last time,
how long it would be before
you got to a dick joke.
843
00:47:28,628 --> 00:47:32,197
I lasted two minutes ?
6:07 ? 6:07, actually.
844
00:47:32,240 --> 00:47:34,677
Whoopi and I have been
talking about this.A lot.
845
00:47:34,721 --> 00:47:37,158
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
846
00:47:37,202 --> 00:47:40,727
Keep your hands above
your shoulders, pal.Okay.
847
00:47:40,770 --> 00:47:44,035
We've decided we will make
a generous contribution...
848
00:47:44,078 --> 00:47:47,342
If you don't touch...
uh-uh-uh-uh...
don't even go near it...
849
00:47:47,386 --> 00:47:49,388
a million dollars if
you don't touch your...
850
00:47:49,431 --> 00:47:52,391
Mr. Happy
the entire night.
851
00:47:52,434 --> 00:47:54,393
So the rules are,
can't mention it,
can't touch it...
852
00:47:54,436 --> 00:47:56,395
can't refer to it.But can i...
can't refer to it ?
853
00:47:56,438 --> 00:47:59,050
Can I do this ?
854
00:48:05,186 --> 00:48:08,711
I don't know. Someone said
I should have an operation
to have my hand removed.
855
00:48:08,755 --> 00:48:11,453
- Yo, baby !
- Don't grab your dick
in front of the world.
856
00:48:11,497 --> 00:48:15,457
The first time was
when you were on the oscars,
and the censor,
857
00:48:15,501 --> 00:48:18,591
Mrs. Futterman...oh, yeah. Put me on
a five-second delay.
858
00:48:18,634 --> 00:48:20,593
Because I said about
writer-producer-directors...
859
00:48:20,636 --> 00:48:23,248
one of the few creatures
on the planet who can
blow smoke up his own ass.
860
00:48:25,815 --> 00:48:27,774
There's some occasions,
like the academy award,
861
00:48:27,817 --> 00:48:32,387
where you have to have on
your miss manners etiquette.
862
00:48:32,431 --> 00:48:35,390
Robin certainly proved that,
at times, he was untrustworthy.
863
00:48:35,434 --> 00:48:40,047
There's still the moments
when you're onstage alone,
where it's just...
864
00:48:40,091 --> 00:48:42,789
when it works, it's great,
but the mouse ears at
the academy awards,
865
00:48:42,832 --> 00:48:46,053
that ranks
in one of the memories
of show business hell.
866
00:48:46,097 --> 00:48:49,187
There's show business joy.
Then there's show business hell. I know.
867
00:48:49,230 --> 00:48:51,798
Coming out in the mouse ears was like...
868
00:48:51,841 --> 00:48:54,844
It seemed like a good idea.
869
00:48:54,888 --> 00:48:58,718
It seemed like a great idea,
and the moment you walked out,
it was like, "uh-oh !"
870
00:48:58,761 --> 00:49:01,547
Now you're gonna be boycotted
by the southern baptists.
871
00:49:01,590 --> 00:49:06,552
Mickey is the devil !
872
00:49:06,595 --> 00:49:08,554
That's so amazing.
873
00:49:08,597 --> 00:49:11,296
It's beyond Ellen.
Don't you see ?
Three fingers !
874
00:49:11,339 --> 00:49:13,907
There's a chain.
It's minnie. It's Daisy.
It's kathie Lee.
875
00:49:13,951 --> 00:49:18,129
Kathie Lee !
They're all connected.
It's all part of a scheme.
876
00:49:18,172 --> 00:49:21,001
Play aladdinbackwards
and it spells "de-la-Lee-ah."
877
00:49:21,045 --> 00:49:24,526
What does it mean ?
I don't know !
But go with US on this.
878
00:49:24,570 --> 00:49:28,356
- They won't watch
siskel and ebertanymore.
- Been together for years.
879
00:49:28,400 --> 00:49:30,706
I've seen them. Mm.
880
00:49:30,750 --> 00:49:34,275
For two grown men,
they go to the movies
together far too much.
881
00:49:34,319 --> 00:49:38,279
Too often. And what does
"thumbs up" mean ? Thumbs up.
882
00:49:38,323 --> 00:49:43,110
Two thumbs up Madonna.I saw that ! That ad,
"two thumbs up Madonna."
883
00:49:43,154 --> 00:49:47,158
I know what they meant.
There it is.
I'm readin' into that.
884
00:49:47,201 --> 00:49:50,161
"Thumbs up" is an international symbol. Oh, man.
885
00:49:50,204 --> 00:49:52,163
You've seen
those academy awards.
They've been so...
886
00:49:52,206 --> 00:49:55,166
you've seen great ones.
You've seen ones that tanked.
887
00:49:55,209 --> 00:49:58,212
What if it was like
the old days, when they
did have an open bar ?
888
00:49:58,256 --> 00:50:00,214
When they had those
great ones, you know...
889
00:50:00,258 --> 00:50:03,043
that's why the golden globes
is pretty fun, because there...
890
00:50:03,087 --> 00:50:06,612
like that one year
that depardieu won for, uh...
891
00:50:06,655 --> 00:50:10,050
he won for green card.
He was just hammered.
He was, uh...
892
00:50:10,094 --> 00:50:13,575
I love you all ! Jeffrey
Katzenberg, a big kiss for you !
893
00:50:13,619 --> 00:50:16,578
Ah, I love you !
Come kiss me like a man.
894
00:50:16,622 --> 00:50:19,277
Touch my nipples.
Don't be afraid of me !
895
00:50:19,320 --> 00:50:21,757
Hold me. I want
to fuck every one of you.
896
00:50:21,801 --> 00:50:24,412
Good night. I love you !
Boom !
897
00:50:24,456 --> 00:50:27,589
I'm not finished.
But ya are !
898
00:50:31,115 --> 00:50:33,117
It's no secret that Bruce and I go back...
899
00:50:33,160 --> 00:50:37,382
Many, many, many, many,
many, many, many, many years.
900
00:50:37,425 --> 00:50:41,429
We first met at Mr. Kelly's
nightclub in Chicago.
901
00:50:41,473 --> 00:50:46,217
Bruce was a young cub reporter
for the Chicago tribune.
902
00:50:46,260 --> 00:50:49,524
I was a burgeoning superstar.
903
00:50:49,568 --> 00:50:53,311
Bette came out from
the kitchen, which is how
you entered at the time,
904
00:50:53,354 --> 00:50:55,530
and she was...
905
00:50:55,574 --> 00:50:58,751
she was wearing a purple blouse...
906
00:50:58,794 --> 00:51:02,755
That was tied about
the waist, Belafonte-fashion.
907
00:51:02,798 --> 00:51:04,757
And she had no bra.
908
00:51:04,800 --> 00:51:08,282
This was 1970. And she was wearing no bra,
909
00:51:08,326 --> 00:51:11,024
which at the time was a political statement.
910
00:51:11,068 --> 00:51:13,418
I said, in her case,
it was a terrorist act.
911
00:51:13,461 --> 00:51:17,987
In the middle of this thing,
it became clear
that her left boob...
912
00:51:18,031 --> 00:51:21,469
Was about to make
its Chicago stage debut.
913
00:51:21,513 --> 00:51:25,169
It was sneaking out
of the thing, and so
in the middle of some number,
914
00:51:25,212 --> 00:51:28,041
she just unbuttoned the blouse and flashed the audience !
915
00:51:28,085 --> 00:51:31,566
The audience screamed and carried on,
916
00:51:31,610 --> 00:51:34,352
and everybody in the room...
917
00:51:34,395 --> 00:51:36,876
Heard laughter,
918
00:51:36,919 --> 00:51:40,314
but I heard my muse.
919
00:51:45,624 --> 00:51:47,626
I said, anybody
who'll do that...
920
00:51:47,669 --> 00:51:50,890
Is somebody
I want to live with
for the rest of my life.
921
00:51:50,933 --> 00:51:54,502
Bruce... hitched himself
to my wagon.
922
00:51:54,546 --> 00:51:58,202
It was a decision that forever changed...
923
00:51:58,245 --> 00:52:00,508
The course of those
two young lives.
924
00:52:00,552 --> 00:52:02,815
I took her out,
and I did a column on her.
925
00:52:02,858 --> 00:52:06,123
I wrote about her.
I asked her all about herself.
926
00:52:06,166 --> 00:52:08,516
When the column appeared,
she called me up and said,
927
00:52:08,560 --> 00:52:11,171
"that was funny.
You write funny stuff."
And I said, "you're very funny.
928
00:52:11,215 --> 00:52:13,173
You should really
talk more onstage."
929
00:52:13,217 --> 00:52:15,610
And she said,
"you got any lines ?"
930
00:52:15,654 --> 00:52:19,048
That is a phrase that has echoed
through the corridors of time.
931
00:52:22,008 --> 00:52:26,186
I couldn't let the evening
go by without claiming
my addition to American culture.
932
00:52:26,230 --> 00:52:29,798
I am the person who introduced
Bette midler to Sophie Tucker.
933
00:52:29,842 --> 00:52:33,933
Bruce was an old fan
of Sophie Tucker,
and he-he...
934
00:52:33,976 --> 00:52:37,197
he knew her material,
or material that was similar.
935
00:52:37,241 --> 00:52:40,026
When I first started working with Bette, I showed her a lot of people.
936
00:52:40,069 --> 00:52:43,116
I took her to see Frances Faye.
Rusty Warren was another one,
937
00:52:43,160 --> 00:52:46,032
and I played her belle barth
and Pearl Williams,
938
00:52:46,075 --> 00:52:48,469
and there were all these people who were so free onstage.
939
00:52:48,513 --> 00:52:52,038
It was always like a party. I said, this is what your show should be like.
940
00:52:52,081 --> 00:52:54,388
And, of course, that's exactly what she wanted.
941
00:52:54,432 --> 00:52:59,915
Would an evening be complete without a visit from Sophie Tucker ?
942
00:53:01,395 --> 00:53:04,050
I will never forget it,
you know.
943
00:53:04,093 --> 00:53:07,532
I was drunk the other night.
I woke up. There was
an elephant in my bed.
944
00:53:07,575 --> 00:53:11,100
I said, "lord, have mercy.
I must have been tight
last night."
945
00:53:11,144 --> 00:53:14,191
"Well," said the elephant...
946
00:53:14,234 --> 00:53:18,107
the idea of a Randy old woman
telling sex jokes...
947
00:53:18,151 --> 00:53:20,806
Is just so funny
in and of itself,
948
00:53:20,849 --> 00:53:24,070
that it diffuses
any of the dirt
that might be there.
949
00:53:24,113 --> 00:53:26,594
And so, it's just like...
it's a gem.
950
00:53:26,638 --> 00:53:30,946
I was in bed last night
with my boyfriend Ernie.
951
00:53:30,990 --> 00:53:33,210
And he said to me,
"soph,
952
00:53:33,253 --> 00:53:36,169
you got no tits
and a tight box."
953
00:53:40,434 --> 00:53:43,089
I said to him, "Ernie,
954
00:53:43,132 --> 00:53:46,788
get off my back."
955
00:53:46,832 --> 00:53:49,617
I would say that
I don't shy away
from a bawdy joke.
956
00:53:49,661 --> 00:53:53,317
Because I like 'em.
I think they're fun.
I think that's like life.
957
00:53:53,360 --> 00:53:57,016
I'll never forget it.
My boyfriend Ernie
said to me, "soph,
958
00:53:57,059 --> 00:54:00,193
if you could learn to cook,
we could fire the chef."
959
00:54:00,237 --> 00:54:02,978
I said, "Ernie,
if you could learn to fuck,
960
00:54:03,022 --> 00:54:05,067
we could
fire the chauffeur !"
961
00:54:05,111 --> 00:54:09,289
♪♪
962
00:54:09,333 --> 00:54:11,291
Some of the stuff comes to him
through other sources.
963
00:54:11,335 --> 00:54:14,642
I really don't know where
some of the stuff comes from.
I don't even ask.
964
00:54:14,686 --> 00:54:18,124
Redd foxx gave me
a whole bunch of jokes
that he said,
965
00:54:18,167 --> 00:54:21,258
"I can't tell these.
These are too dirty for me."
966
00:54:21,301 --> 00:54:27,133
Because redd foxx was dirty.
When he told a dirty joke,
it was, like, dirty,you know ?
967
00:54:27,176 --> 00:54:31,572
But he gave it to US,
and I would turn it around
so soph would tell it,
968
00:54:31,616 --> 00:54:34,053
and it was like it was clean.
969
00:54:34,096 --> 00:54:38,449
I was in the woods last night
with my boyfriend Ernie.
970
00:54:38,492 --> 00:54:41,713
I'll never forget it.
"I was in the woods
with my boyfriend Ernie.
971
00:54:41,756 --> 00:54:46,152
"And he said, 'soph,
it certainly is dark in these
woods. I could use a light.'"
972
00:54:46,195 --> 00:54:51,984
I said to him, "so do I, Ernie.
You have been munching grass
for the last ten minutes."
973
00:54:54,552 --> 00:54:56,902
With Bette,
her process is very painful.
974
00:54:56,945 --> 00:55:00,122
She has to work herself
into kind of a frenzy,
975
00:55:00,166 --> 00:55:02,647
and then it all sort of explodes out.
976
00:55:02,690 --> 00:55:07,173
If you're cracking up from
having lack of shacking up,
977
00:55:07,216 --> 00:55:11,264
if you're cracking up,
if you're cracking up,
978
00:55:11,308 --> 00:55:13,353
why don't ya pack it up ?
979
00:55:13,397 --> 00:55:17,792
She's really focused
on her work. I think
people who don't know her...
980
00:55:17,836 --> 00:55:19,968
Look at her and they say,
"oh, she's so difficult,
981
00:55:20,012 --> 00:55:22,014
because she keeps wanting
to do it over again."
982
00:55:22,057 --> 00:55:25,322
She's not like that at all.
There are others who are.
983
00:55:25,365 --> 00:55:29,674
Sometimes I nag him
for weeks before he finally
addresses the problem.
984
00:55:29,717 --> 00:55:33,678
But he does, eventually.
It's like a last-minute thing.
985
00:55:33,721 --> 00:55:37,290
Finally, you finally,
we finally got that gag right.
986
00:55:37,334 --> 00:55:39,510
We finally got that joke right.
It's a lot of fun.
987
00:55:39,553 --> 00:55:42,469
It is actually the most
creative thing that I do.
I really enjoy it.
988
00:55:42,513 --> 00:55:45,124
We did a whole set
of things for Johnny Carson
on his last night.
989
00:55:45,167 --> 00:55:47,126
Bruce was in on that.
990
00:55:47,169 --> 00:55:49,781
♪♪
991
00:55:49,824 --> 00:55:52,044
They think I don't have
it written. It is written.
992
00:55:52,087 --> 00:55:55,047
♪ Dear Mr. Carson
I am writing this to you ♪
993
00:55:55,090 --> 00:55:58,050
♪ and I hope that you will
read it, so you'll know ♪
994
00:55:58,093 --> 00:56:02,054
♪ my heart goes pitter-patter
and I stutter and I stammer ♪
995
00:56:02,097 --> 00:56:04,926
♪ every time I see you
on your TV show ♪
996
00:56:04,970 --> 00:56:07,886
♪ I guess I'm just
another fan of yours ♪
997
00:56:07,929 --> 00:56:11,411
♪ and I thought I'd write
and tell you so ♪
998
00:56:11,455 --> 00:56:14,893
♪ oh, oh
999
00:56:19,332 --> 00:56:22,553
I thought that
was pretty sweet, guys.
1000
00:56:22,596 --> 00:56:26,948
Bruce and Marc shaiman
and I got together about
a week before that show,
1001
00:56:26,992 --> 00:56:30,299
and we started working
on what we would call,
"the spot."
1002
00:56:30,343 --> 00:56:33,781
We knew we wanted
to honor him, because
we all loved him so much,
1003
00:56:33,825 --> 00:56:37,176
and he was such a part
of our lives, and we wanted
to do something special.
1004
00:56:37,219 --> 00:56:40,527
♪ I watched your hair
turn slowly ♪
1005
00:56:40,571 --> 00:56:43,704
♪ from dark to white
1006
00:56:43,748 --> 00:56:46,968
♪ and when I can't sleep
1007
00:56:47,012 --> 00:56:49,449
♪ I count
your wives at night ♪
1008
00:56:54,193 --> 00:56:58,458
We all threw out suggestions,
and once we decided on what
the songs were going to be,
1009
00:56:58,502 --> 00:57:02,941
we all sort of pitched in,
and, uh...
1010
00:57:02,984 --> 00:57:05,073
it worked.
It really did work.
1011
00:57:05,117 --> 00:57:08,076
It was a great...
a great evening.
1012
00:57:08,120 --> 00:57:10,078
♪ How I'll miss
1013
00:57:10,122 --> 00:57:14,213
♪ the social intercourse
so varied ♪
1014
00:57:14,256 --> 00:57:16,345
♪ now I have
to have it ♪
1015
00:57:16,389 --> 00:57:20,872
♪ with the guy
I married ♪
1016
00:57:20,915 --> 00:57:26,704
♪ you know I'd rather
watch you ♪♪
1017
00:57:38,019 --> 00:57:41,545
So, let's talk about Bruce. Bruce and I...
1018
00:57:41,588 --> 00:57:44,417
Go way back,
uh, to the '40s.
1019
00:57:44,461 --> 00:57:48,073
Yeah, I think so, wasn't it ? It was during the war.It was during the war.
1020
00:57:48,116 --> 00:57:50,989
I'm friendly with
a lot of big stars.
1021
00:57:51,032 --> 00:57:53,644
They're wonderful individuals mano a mano,
1022
00:57:53,687 --> 00:57:56,298
but you don't get to be
the biggest star in the world...
1023
00:57:56,342 --> 00:57:59,780
By really caring a lot about
anything else but yourself...
1024
00:57:59,824 --> 00:58:01,782
And becoming
the biggest star in the world.
1025
00:58:01,826 --> 00:58:05,960
She's a little more
than empty-headed
with a fixed gaze...
1026
00:58:06,004 --> 00:58:08,659
I already
fuckin' did this part.
1027
00:58:11,444 --> 00:58:15,579
I am so sorry.
I had a mood swing.
Excuse me.
1028
00:58:15,622 --> 00:58:17,668
You probably don't
get to be the president
of the United States...
1029
00:58:17,711 --> 00:58:21,193
Or any of those gigantic, preeminent positions in the world...
1030
00:58:21,236 --> 00:58:23,848
By really having much energy...
1031
00:58:23,891 --> 00:58:27,373
That isn't directed to that goal.Thank you.
1032
00:58:27,416 --> 00:58:29,767
I know a lot of very talented
actors and musicians...
1033
00:58:29,810 --> 00:58:32,204
Who aren't the biggest stars
in the world because...
1034
00:58:32,247 --> 00:58:36,904
They don't have that insane desire to center everything on creating themselves.
1035
00:58:36,948 --> 00:58:39,951
I don't think I have it. I think if I had it,
1036
00:58:39,994 --> 00:58:42,997
I might be a much bigger writer,
a more successful personality...
1037
00:58:43,041 --> 00:58:46,697
I might be a performer who just
goes out there and performs...
1038
00:58:46,740 --> 00:58:50,396
And doesn't hide
behind the typewriter...
1039
00:58:50,439 --> 00:58:55,270
I don't think I have
that insane need to be...
Playing the palace.
1040
00:58:55,314 --> 00:58:58,230
But that's because I have
written everybody else's act.
1041
00:58:58,273 --> 00:59:01,233
I will write, you know,
from "abba" to "zadora."
1042
00:59:05,237 --> 00:59:07,892
Two acts you want
to be known for.
1043
00:59:07,935 --> 00:59:11,156
Engelbert hunk... humperdink.
I can't even say his name.
1044
00:59:11,199 --> 00:59:14,638
He's a perfectly nice guy,
but, um, he's a guy...
1045
00:59:14,681 --> 00:59:19,077
he's a singer who's deaf
in one ear and keeps telling the
orchestra he can't hear them.
1046
00:59:19,120 --> 00:59:23,385
I kept saying, "turn around !"
1047
00:59:23,429 --> 00:59:27,476
"They're playin' fine.
Move upstage."
But that's his bad side.
1048
00:59:27,520 --> 00:59:29,957
I'm a huge
Barbra Streisand fan.
1049
00:59:30,001 --> 00:59:34,005
When she did
her Las Vegas concert
and decided to go on tour,
1050
00:59:34,048 --> 00:59:38,096
she wanted to revamp sections
of it and put more jokes in.
1051
00:59:38,139 --> 00:59:41,708
She called me and
asked me if I would do it.
1052
00:59:41,752 --> 00:59:43,884
Of course, I was
thrilled and flattered.
1053
00:59:43,928 --> 00:59:46,757
Then the offer came in,
and it was quite low,
1054
00:59:46,800 --> 00:59:50,412
and this for a tour where
she was charging $350 a ticket.
1055
00:59:50,456 --> 00:59:52,893
I thought the offer
was unbelievably low.
1056
00:59:52,937 --> 00:59:55,592
So I thought it was
like a negotiating ploy.
1057
00:59:55,635 --> 00:59:58,333
They said, "no, no.
It's take it or leave it."
1058
00:59:58,377 --> 01:00:01,815
So I called her and said,
"I don't mean to insult you,
1059
01:00:01,859 --> 01:00:06,298
but Jim Bailey offered me more
to do the drag version
of this act."
1060
01:00:06,341 --> 01:00:09,780
She laughed and said,
"what should I do ?"
I said, "sell a lamp."
1061
01:00:09,823 --> 01:00:12,043
Bruce doesn't get paid well ?
1062
01:00:12,086 --> 01:00:14,436
Are you doing a documentary,
or are these a pack of lies ?
1063
01:00:14,480 --> 01:00:16,438
Bruce gets paid very well.
1064
01:00:16,482 --> 01:00:19,224
The bigger the show,
the smaller the salary.
1065
01:00:19,267 --> 01:00:21,661
The academy awards,
everyone works for scale,
1066
01:00:21,705 --> 01:00:24,664
because it's the academy awards,
and it's the greatest show
on earth.
1067
01:00:24,708 --> 01:00:26,753
It's the biggest thing...
1068
01:00:26,797 --> 01:00:28,755
you'd think because
it's like the super bowl...
1069
01:00:28,799 --> 01:00:31,236
That you would get paid
like the super bowl, but no.
1070
01:00:31,279 --> 01:00:35,806
Bruce's contracts could
be referred to as a felony.
1071
01:00:35,849 --> 01:00:39,853
He gets paid a lot of money,
and guess what ?
1072
01:00:39,897 --> 01:00:42,160
You not only have to pay him,
you have to feed him.
1073
01:00:42,203 --> 01:00:45,119
If I were doing
what I did for money,
I would do something else.
1074
01:00:45,163 --> 01:00:49,646
I would probably make
more money... I would have
focused on screenplays,
1075
01:00:49,689 --> 01:00:51,865
which is, after all,
where the big bucks are.
1076
01:00:51,909 --> 01:00:54,738
You know he won an Emmy...
1077
01:00:54,781 --> 01:00:57,828
he won an Oscar for his Emmy...
1078
01:00:57,871 --> 01:00:59,960
yeah, it was an Oscar
that he won for the...
1079
01:01:00,004 --> 01:01:03,442
what'd he win ? He won an Emmy.
Right. Oh, my gosh.
1080
01:01:03,485 --> 01:01:06,837
When you're with
a celebrity like that,
one thing runs into the other.
1081
01:01:06,880 --> 01:01:11,145
I'm very sorry
I didn't have to sleep around
to win this award.
1082
01:01:17,325 --> 01:01:19,545
Ladies and gentlemen !
1083
01:01:21,765 --> 01:01:24,376
Direct...directly from...
1084
01:01:24,419 --> 01:01:26,421
♪♪
1085
01:01:26,465 --> 01:01:29,076
Bruce is a very
strange individual,
1086
01:01:29,120 --> 01:01:32,819
but he can do many things
on different levels
and all at the same time,
1087
01:01:32,863 --> 01:01:36,867
which can kind of
disturb normal people.
1088
01:01:36,910 --> 01:01:39,173
Uh, it even disturbed me.
1089
01:01:39,217 --> 01:01:41,698
Let's figure out
how I'm gonna get on.
1090
01:01:41,741 --> 01:01:43,917
That's what
we have to figure out.How you gonna get off ?
1091
01:01:43,961 --> 01:01:47,225
Yeah, really. I've been trying
to figure that out for years.
1092
01:01:47,268 --> 01:01:52,404
♪ My story is much too sad
to be told ♪
1093
01:01:56,277 --> 01:02:00,238
♪ We're steppin' out
tonight in oxnard ♪
1094
01:02:01,935 --> 01:02:06,810
♪ no more of those
far-from-oxnard blues ♪
1095
01:02:06,853 --> 01:02:09,769
♪ but there's one thing
to warn you about ♪
1096
01:02:09,813 --> 01:02:13,077
♪ before you start
stepping out ♪
1097
01:02:13,120 --> 01:02:15,383
♪ once you step in oxnard
1098
01:02:15,427 --> 01:02:18,691
♪ you can't get it
off of your shoe ♪
1099
01:02:18,735 --> 01:02:21,215
♪ oh, oxnard
you better not step in it ♪
1100
01:02:21,259 --> 01:02:23,435
♪ oxnard, we can put
a little pep in it ♪
1101
01:02:23,478 --> 01:02:29,528
♪ oxnard, I can't get you
off of my shoe ♪♪
1102
01:02:32,183 --> 01:02:36,796
What's wrong with me ?you expect me
to answer that ?
1103
01:02:36,840 --> 01:02:39,930
One of the things I remember was
we were in the room working.
1104
01:02:39,973 --> 01:02:42,628
Bruce is typing away
on his little computer.
1105
01:02:42,671 --> 01:02:44,630
It's a portable computer
he takes everywhere with him.
1106
01:02:44,673 --> 01:02:46,632
He's chewing
on a straw, typing.
1107
01:02:46,675 --> 01:02:49,287
I said, "what are you typing ?"
he said, "I'll be there
in a minute."
1108
01:02:49,330 --> 01:02:52,638
He's typing away. He's looking
at the screen, and he's typing.
1109
01:02:52,681 --> 01:02:56,163
I said, "Bruce,
show me the computer."
He turns the computer around.
1110
01:02:56,207 --> 01:02:59,950
He was not only typing, but
he was looking at a porno flick
at the same time.
1111
01:02:59,993 --> 01:03:04,650
I said, "anybody that can do
all of that at the same time
and still write funny,
1112
01:03:04,693 --> 01:03:07,087
you're with me, kid."
1113
01:03:07,131 --> 01:03:12,179
I had once taken him to
a psychiatrist for evaluation.
1114
01:03:12,223 --> 01:03:15,966
She said, "all creative people...
1115
01:03:16,009 --> 01:03:18,316
Have certain idiosyncrasies."
1116
01:03:18,359 --> 01:03:21,885
I could, but I won't describe
his vast collection of t-shirts.
1117
01:03:21,928 --> 01:03:26,150
From the baywatchcollection.
Baby got back.
1118
01:03:26,193 --> 01:03:28,674
This is from
the Heidi fleiss collection.
1119
01:03:28,717 --> 01:03:31,285
You, of course,
know Heidi fleiss,
Charlie sheen's houseguest.
1120
01:03:31,329 --> 01:03:33,505
Can you lower it so
I can see queer a little ?
1121
01:03:33,548 --> 01:03:35,724
Open it up. Perfect.
That's beautiful.
1122
01:03:35,768 --> 01:03:40,555
Three walls out of four,
from floor to ceiling,
are loaded with t-shirts.
1123
01:03:40,599 --> 01:03:42,993
I think my personal
favorite is...
1124
01:03:43,036 --> 01:03:47,432
"You're standing on my penis."
1125
01:03:47,475 --> 01:03:52,306
Everyone will be in
a tuxedo, and he'll have
on a sequin dinner jacket...
1126
01:03:52,350 --> 01:03:56,354
And a big t-shirt that says,
you know, "Reagan sucks."
1127
01:03:56,397 --> 01:03:58,356
Something. I don't know.
1128
01:03:58,399 --> 01:04:01,315
He has certain
peculiarities, you know.
1129
01:04:01,359 --> 01:04:04,405
I don't want you
to think at this interview
that he's perfect.
1130
01:04:04,449 --> 01:04:06,494
Only I think he's perfect.
1131
01:04:06,538 --> 01:04:09,889
When I first met Bruce,
I'm tellin' you,
this guy was cranky.
1132
01:04:09,933 --> 01:04:13,632
He was tough to deal with. If you said to him, "Bruce, I don't like that gag,"
1133
01:04:13,675 --> 01:04:16,069
he would get really defensive.
1134
01:04:16,113 --> 01:04:20,682
He would just give you
all kinds of hard time.
1135
01:04:20,726 --> 01:04:25,209
I used to say, "I don't know
if I ought to call this guy.
He's draggin' me down."
1136
01:04:25,252 --> 01:04:29,691
But I worked with him and worked with him, and things changed for Bruce,
1137
01:04:29,735 --> 01:04:32,651
because I think the fact
that he was so loved...
1138
01:04:32,694 --> 01:04:34,783
he became eventually so loved.
1139
01:04:34,827 --> 01:04:37,482
He's always been
a pillar for the community,
for the gay community.
1140
01:04:37,525 --> 01:04:40,354
Always been
a wonderful role model.
1141
01:04:40,398 --> 01:04:43,401
And for Jews, really
more of an embarrassment,
I gotta say that.
1142
01:04:43,444 --> 01:04:45,403
Different communities,
different reactions.
1143
01:04:45,446 --> 01:04:48,449
He's not bitchy or campy...
1144
01:04:48,493 --> 01:04:52,801
I mean, he has those elements,
but he is...
1145
01:04:52,845 --> 01:04:56,936
and he's also
an incredibly generous
and sweet person as well.
1146
01:04:56,980 --> 01:05:01,593
Bruce vilanch does more
charities than anybody I know.
1147
01:05:01,636 --> 01:05:05,423
I think the most significant
contribution he makes
is that he brings humor.
1148
01:05:05,466 --> 01:05:08,426
He brings love.
He brings spirit to our shows.
1149
01:05:08,469 --> 01:05:10,428
We can't do
a show in Los Angeles
without Bruce vilanch.
1150
01:05:10,471 --> 01:05:12,517
No one can do a show without Bruce vilanch.
1151
01:05:12,560 --> 01:05:17,478
H-He lost so many friends.
He saw so many people
dying around him.
1152
01:05:17,522 --> 01:05:22,701
I said to him, "Bruce, y-y-you're not the same person.
1153
01:05:22,744 --> 01:05:24,703
Y-Y-You've changed."
1154
01:05:24,746 --> 01:05:28,402
He told me that that's
what had happened to him.
1155
01:05:31,536 --> 01:05:33,886
I always say this,
but it's true.
1156
01:05:33,930 --> 01:05:37,977
I find myself breaking down for
no reason, like an old buick.
1157
01:05:45,550 --> 01:05:50,511
I guess it's because
I've just lost so many people,
1158
01:05:50,555 --> 01:05:53,427
and I start talking
about them...
1159
01:05:53,471 --> 01:05:58,258
I'm somebody
who uses humor to get through
the day and to get through life.
1160
01:05:58,302 --> 01:06:00,608
I'm using it to get
through this plague.
1161
01:06:00,652 --> 01:06:06,005
It's the only way we can keep living and realizing that there is something to keep living for.
1162
01:06:06,049 --> 01:06:10,749
So I grab at it, and
I'm lucky I have a knack for it,
1163
01:06:10,792 --> 01:06:15,145
because it served me very well
during the plague years.
1164
01:06:15,188 --> 01:06:17,495
And it's what I do.
1165
01:06:17,538 --> 01:06:21,847
If i... if I looked
like Elle MacPherson,
I would do something else.
1166
01:06:21,890 --> 01:06:26,286
And, in closing, I would like
to thank all of you...
1167
01:06:26,330 --> 01:06:31,248
if I can say it without
completely breaking down...
1168
01:06:31,291 --> 01:06:34,251
please forgive me
for this self-indulgence.
1169
01:06:34,294 --> 01:06:38,733
But it's rare that
I get to express myself.
1170
01:06:38,777 --> 01:06:41,954
I write comedy, you know.
I write jokes.
1171
01:06:41,998 --> 01:06:44,174
And people die every day.
1172
01:06:44,217 --> 01:06:47,046
And I'm there,
and I write jokes.
1173
01:06:47,090 --> 01:06:49,353
So it's very tough
sometimes...
1174
01:06:49,396 --> 01:06:51,964
To let it out.
1175
01:06:52,008 --> 01:06:55,359
It's embarrassing
to have a catharsis
in front of all of you,
1176
01:06:55,402 --> 01:06:57,709
but it never hurt
Judy garland, so...
1177
01:07:03,236 --> 01:07:08,676
♪ If they asked me
I could write a book ♪
1178
01:07:08,720 --> 01:07:12,680
♪ about the way
you walk and whisper ♪
1179
01:07:12,724 --> 01:07:15,379
♪ and look
1180
01:07:15,422 --> 01:07:19,383
♪ I could write a preface
1181
01:07:19,426 --> 01:07:22,647
♪ on how we met
1182
01:07:22,690 --> 01:07:26,564
♪ so the world
would never ♪
1183
01:07:26,607 --> 01:07:29,871
♪ forget ♪
1184
01:07:29,915 --> 01:07:33,614
I love you, Bruce.
1185
01:07:33,658 --> 01:07:36,704
After he wrote for you, then he got a reputation...
1186
01:07:36,748 --> 01:07:39,838
that's your last line, Andy.
You know when to cut.
1187
01:07:39,881 --> 01:07:42,406
Okay.
1188
01:07:42,449 --> 01:07:44,364
Cut.
1189
01:07:49,456 --> 01:07:54,157
♪ Doo, doo, doo doom-ba-doom ♪
1190
01:07:54,200 --> 01:07:59,771
♪ what do you do when you need a good line ♪
1191
01:07:59,814 --> 01:08:03,122
♪ you're under the gun and you want to shine ♪
1192
01:08:03,166 --> 01:08:07,866
♪ you're afraid that your act will fall flat ♪
1193
01:08:07,909 --> 01:08:10,695
♪ unless somebody gives it some juice ♪
1194
01:08:10,738 --> 01:08:13,132
♪ ooh, gives it some juice
1195
01:08:13,176 --> 01:08:17,223
- ♪ what do you do - ♪ what
1196
01:08:17,267 --> 01:08:19,834
♪ you get Bruce
1197
01:08:19,878 --> 01:08:22,576
♪ get Bruce go get some Bruce, yeah ♪
1198
01:08:22,620 --> 01:08:25,144
Vilanch. Bruce vilanch. All right, Bruce.
1199
01:08:25,188 --> 01:08:28,843
If you indulge, Bruce, in the sport of kings, what do you enjoy ?
1200
01:08:28,887 --> 01:08:30,845
Queens.
1201
01:08:30,889 --> 01:08:34,153
- Makes perfect sense to me.
- What a question.
1202
01:08:34,197 --> 01:08:38,723
♪ What do you do when the cameras are live ♪
1203
01:08:38,766 --> 01:08:43,336
♪ you wonder just how you're gonna survive ♪
1204
01:08:43,380 --> 01:08:46,252
♪ they call you the host with the most ♪
1205
01:08:46,296 --> 01:08:51,475
♪ but their laughter is hard to induce ♪
1206
01:08:51,518 --> 01:08:53,738
♪ ooh, hard to induce
1207
01:08:53,781 --> 01:08:56,871
-♪ what in the world do you do -♪ what
1208
01:08:56,915 --> 01:09:02,007
- ♪ you get Bruce - ♪ get Bruce send out for Bruce ♪
1209
01:09:02,050 --> 01:09:07,230
If you're not a character...
if you don't have some kind
of ridiculousness about you...
1210
01:09:07,273 --> 01:09:09,841
Really.that you don't take
too seriously...
1211
01:09:09,884 --> 01:09:12,539
you wind up republican.Yeah, true.
1212
01:09:12,583 --> 01:09:15,325
♪ When your patter's kind of paltry ♪
1213
01:09:15,368 --> 01:09:17,370
♪ and you need to goose it up
1214
01:09:17,414 --> 01:09:22,636
♪ everybody knows their buddy Bruce will spruce it up ♪
1215
01:09:22,680 --> 01:09:24,638
♪ if your chatter's kind of cheesy ♪
1216
01:09:24,682 --> 01:09:27,511
♪ and you crave something substanch ♪
1217
01:09:27,554 --> 01:09:31,515
♪ baby, get yourself to villa vilanch ♪
1218
01:09:31,558 --> 01:09:36,172
- I didn't get the name.
- To be truthful,
Tony Bennett couldn't make it.
1219
01:09:36,215 --> 01:09:40,741
♪ Oh, what do you do when the script is a bore ♪
1220
01:09:40,785 --> 01:09:45,224
♪ and scene after scene hits the cutting room floor ♪
1221
01:09:45,268 --> 01:09:49,185
♪ your producer won't answer your call ♪
1222
01:09:49,228 --> 01:09:52,405
♪ and your agent has got an excuse ♪
1223
01:09:52,449 --> 01:09:54,407
♪ to call you right back
1224
01:09:54,451 --> 01:09:57,584
♪ how in the world are you gonna get out of this mess ♪
1225
01:09:57,628 --> 01:10:01,371
- ♪ one guess - ♪ get Bruce
1226
01:10:01,414 --> 01:10:04,548
♪ get Bruce dig up some Bruce ♪
1227
01:10:04,591 --> 01:10:07,551
If you notice, he's
always chewing on a straw.
1228
01:10:07,594 --> 01:10:10,336
These are special comedy straws
he has manufactured.
1229
01:10:10,380 --> 01:10:13,252
There's comedy juice within
them, and he will eat it.
1230
01:10:13,296 --> 01:10:16,864
Bruce can really suck
the comedy out of anything,
1231
01:10:16,908 --> 01:10:18,997
and I don't mean that
in a dirty way.
1232
01:10:19,040 --> 01:10:22,305
I know what you're thinking,
but, oh, no.
1233
01:10:22,348 --> 01:10:26,787
♪ Bruce has got his own mystique ♪
1234
01:10:26,831 --> 01:10:29,964
♪ muppet hair and t-shirt chic ♪
1235
01:10:30,008 --> 01:10:34,273
- Don't fuck with me, fellas.
- Yeah !
1236
01:10:34,317 --> 01:10:38,234
♪ Dorothy Parker's optic clone ♪
1237
01:10:38,277 --> 01:10:44,109
- Whoo !
- ♪ talullah with testosterone
1238
01:10:44,152 --> 01:10:47,417
I'm asking Margaret for
fashion advice. I know this is
about Bruce, but what about me ?
1239
01:10:47,460 --> 01:10:51,290
♪ Bruce, Bruce-y, Bruce-y buddy, Bruce-y baby ♪
1240
01:10:51,334 --> 01:10:54,424
♪ Bruce, Bruce, Bruce-y, Bruce-y Bruce-y buddy, Bruce-y baby ♪
1241
01:10:54,467 --> 01:10:58,254
♪ Billy, whoopi Robin and Bette ♪
1242
01:10:58,297 --> 01:11:01,431
♪ they will be forever in his debt ♪
1243
01:11:01,474 --> 01:11:04,434
♪ the oscars, emmys, Tonys he gives 'em their punch ♪
1244
01:11:04,477 --> 01:11:08,089
♪ then there's Donny and Marie and the Brady bunch ♪
1245
01:11:08,133 --> 01:11:11,397
♪ roseanne and Michael feinstein he's been their
laugh advisor ♪
1246
01:11:11,441 --> 01:11:14,835
♪ he's worked with Nathan Lane and he's mad
about Paul Reiser ♪
1247
01:11:14,879 --> 01:11:18,883
♪ from abba to zadora he's had their attention ♪
1248
01:11:18,926 --> 01:11:23,714
♪ and a plethora of talent too numerous to mention ♪
1249
01:11:23,757 --> 01:11:28,371
-♪ what do you do -♪ oh, tell US, what do you do
1250
01:11:28,414 --> 01:11:31,243
♪ when you need a good line
1251
01:11:31,287 --> 01:11:34,681
♪ when you need a good line ♪
1252
01:11:34,725 --> 01:11:39,991
- ♪ you're under the gun - ♪ when you're under the gun
1253
01:11:40,034 --> 01:11:43,473
♪ and you want to shine
1254
01:11:43,516 --> 01:11:45,475
♪ a-and you want to shine
1255
01:11:45,518 --> 01:11:49,087
♪ maybe before I vamoose
1256
01:11:49,130 --> 01:11:54,005
♪ better listen good to your chanteuse ♪
1257
01:11:54,048 --> 01:11:56,355
♪ to your chanteuse
1258
01:11:56,399 --> 01:12:00,925
- ♪ don't be obtuse - ♪ don't be obtuse
1259
01:12:00,968 --> 01:12:04,929
- ♪ get Bruce - ♪ get Bruce, get Bruce
1260
01:12:04,972 --> 01:12:08,280
this is about you.
Finish it.Oh, sorry.
1261
01:12:08,324 --> 01:12:11,588
♪ Get Bruce, get Bruce
1262
01:12:11,631 --> 01:12:14,634
- can I just hug him ?
- ♪ get Bruce
1263
01:12:14,678 --> 01:12:18,856
- I think we've nailed it. Bye.
- ♪ get Bruce
1264
01:12:18,899 --> 01:12:21,989
I slept my way to the middle.
How did that happen ?
1265
01:12:22,033 --> 01:12:25,384
- That's showbiz.
- ♪ baby
1266
01:12:25,428 --> 01:12:29,475
- ♪ yeah, yeah - ♪ get Bruce, get Bruce
1267
01:12:29,519 --> 01:12:32,783
♪ get Bruce, get Bruce ♪
1268
01:12:32,826 --> 01:12:36,395
♪♪
1269
01:12:36,439 --> 01:12:39,964
Of course,
his real name is al yeklic.
I don't know if you knew that.
1270
01:12:40,007 --> 01:12:43,533
Bye-bye, Bruce-y.
113950
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