All language subtitles for Welcome.Home.Nikki.Glaser.S01E08.720p.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV_track3_[eng]

[upbeat music]

- Pros and cons of living

in St. Louis vs L.A....

- St. Louis pros--less traffic.

- Less people who are k-uh.

- Less anxiety.

- Throw Chris on there.

Cons, um...

I feel removed

from show business.

I miss a lot of my friends.

I can't get

onstage every single night.

- I don't even

think about L.A. right now.

- Think about it right now.

- Okay.

- What are you thinking?

- Like, dirty streets.

- Okay. Con.

[both laughing]

- * I wanna miss my flight

* I feel so all alone

* Out on the road

* Can you welcome me home?

[rock music]

[car horn honks]

- Oh, ----.

- Ooh.

- I don't know

why I'm trying to, like, drive

like someone's tailing me

and I have to, like, lose them.

So I finally went

to therapy with Chris,

which is, like, ------.

- Good.

- I was so excited and nearly

cried at his willingness.

- Marriage--

like, those are things that

I've been definitely reluctant.

But I'm not closed off to it

like I was.

- Like, where are you feeling

right now you guys stand...

- Well, it was so good.

- Literally today?

- He's, like, emotionally

open and going to places

that he never could even go

alone with me before.

But I want commitment,

and I want to know

where we're going,

where we're headed,

what the goal is.

I hate this limbo.

- Yeah.

Do you think

that you can imagine

yourself staying here

without Chris?

- If Chris and I

don't work out

for some ------- reason,

I'll probably want to leave,

because this town

reminds me of him so much.

As much as I want to just take

control right now and be like,

"Chris, be my boyfriend,

come on,"

I want to be

wanted and I really,

really want him

to define the relationship.

- Like, it's weird with you

and Chris because it literally

is putting on the line,

like, whether you stay

in St. Louis

or you go somewhere else,

whether it works out here.

So it's like, I kind of want

it to work out with you guys.

- I want so badly

to be able to say, like,

"Let's just ------- do it

and get married.

"We've been doing this off

and on for eight years.

Like, what are we doing?"

- Seriously.

- If he can't do that, I'm

not gonna stay in St. Louis.

I don't want to have to see

his charming, gorgeous face

pop up on my Bumble

as, like, a top pick for me.

And I'm like,

"You're right, Bumble.

He was, but he didn't want

what I wanted."

You know we're building,

like, a sex dungeon

in his basement, perhaps?

- [laughing] A dungeon.

- Yeah.

I know, people are being like,

"Should we have kids

and buy a house?"

And I'm like, "Should I buy

this chain restraint

that costs $1,000 if

he's not gonna commit first?"

Like, it's so stupid.

- Oh, my God.

- What up, dogs?

How you doing?

- What's up?

- What's that?

- This is a gift.

- Babe, what?

- This is your own label maker.

- Aw.

- You said

you wanted to borrow mine,

and even though I love a world

where you always need

my label maker,

I just thought you'd like this.

- Oh, my God.

Will you set it up for me?

- Of course.

Andrew, do you have anything

you want to label?

Everything.

- Man, I love labeling things!

Everything

but relationship status.

- Hey-oh.

[upbeat music]

- * Going to L.A.

* Not gonna wear

* 80% of the clothes I bring

- Wednesday.

- You didn't bring

a toothbrush last trip.

- Yeah, I did.

- You're gonna get Alzheimer's

from not brushing your teeth.

- What?

- Disease starts in the gums.

- Aziz Ansari?

- Disease Ansari!

- Disease Ansari!

- Disease starts in the gums.

If you don't brush

your teeth and you use floss,

you're gonna die sooner!

[both laughing]

Keep.

Keep.

Wash.

- How many leopard things

do you have?

- This is my suitcase

from last week,

and I'm just going through

and seeing if these things

will hold up in L.A.

I'm headed to L.A. to do

some work, as I do frequently.

- What are you doing in L.A.,

other than our show?

- Deciding if I'm gonna move

there or not?

You know, the whole time,

I'm gonna be having that

in the back of my mind.

As much as I love St. Louis,

as someone who kind of wants

to slow down,

there are things I really miss

about L.A., and I'm torn.

[sniffs] Keep.

[sniffs]

How do you check if underwear

is clean or not for you?

Do you smell yours?

- Oh, my God.

- [whines]

- Luigi, I wish you could come.

I want you to go with me.

Being in L.A. is beneficial

to me for my career,

because you're not

a flight away.

You're within

driving distance.

And although those take

the same amount of time

to get there

because of traffic,

when you're in L.A.,

people think of you more

for different jobs.

Oh, Lu.

Why do you look at me

with such curiosity and disdain

at the same time?

Do we need to go to therapy?

[smooching]

*

[dog barks]

- Oh, Marion's eye gunk--ew.

- Why do you have it

on your wrist?

- It just got on my finger.

- We need to clean

her eyes every day.

- It's contagious.

- Oh, come here, Marion.

Let's get your eye gunk.

- She says,

"I don't want to touch that."

- Dirty girl, girl, come here.

There you go.

Oh, that's so gunky.

I remember one time

I was over at a famous

friend's house,

and Emma Stone came by,

and I didn't know Emma Stone,

and she walks in the door.

I'm like,

"Oh, my God, it's Emma."

And Marion is on my lap.

And Emma doesn't even see me.

She just looks

at the dog and goes,

"Oh, my God, is she 100?"

And I was like, "She's two."

And she was like,

"That's insane."

That's what I love

about Marion--

is that she is so ugly

that she's cute.

*

She looks like

a starving polar bear.

- So what do

you got planned in L.A.?

- I'm gonna do a couple spots

around town,

maybe Comedy Store,

Laugh Factory,

dinner with Spade,

Kelly Clarkson.

- Kelly?

- Machine Gun Kelly.

- Machine Gun Kelly Clarkson.

[laughter]

- There's more action

on both coasts

than there is in St. Louis.

- But she's

in the middle of the country.

- But right now she might miss

some of the other,

more exciting parts

of her career.

- I think she's torn.

- Hanging out with Lizzie,

hopefully hanging out

with Carlisle.

- I sure would miss Nikki

if she decided to move to L.A.

- I would, too.

Well, it sounds

like a whirlwind time.

- I mean, it's going to be

exhaustive, but it'll be fun.

- When she's home, she's like,

"Oh, I need to get out to L.A."

And when she's in L.A.,

she probably feels

like she's missing something,

like us.

[both laughing]

Just kiddi--just kidding.

So how long will you be gone?

Just for--

- Um...

I think I come back on Sunday.

- Okay.

- Get some nice meals

for yourselves.

Take yourselves out.

- We're gonna--livin' large.

Go get a massage.

Go treat yourselves.

I'll pay for it.

- I might

if I found a good deal.

- No, it doesn't need to be

a good deal.

- If I find a Groupon for it.

- No.

You've never once

bought yourself a massage.

You only get them as presents.

- That's not true at all.

Have I?

- No. Never.

- Sure you have.

- Yeah, I have.

- When?

- It was about two years ago,

and it was...

- A deal.

- A deal.

- Find me

a massage parlor, okay?

- Pfft, God.

- You're not getting anything.

You're getting zero Gs.

[laughter]

[upbeat music]

- Yes. Cali, baby.

*

You ready to do this?

- Yeah.

- Welcome to L.A.

One thing I love

about being in L.A.

is that I'm constantly

in motion.

I'm doing

the Kelly Clarkson Show.

I'm doing an appearance

on my friend Ben Gleib's

live fundraiser.

Yeah, someone said, from

behind, I look like a model,

and then I turn around, they

go, "Oh, no, she's a comedian."

And so that hurt

my feelings a lot.

And I'm trying

to get a show off the ground.

My friend, Bill Lawrence--

he created "Spin City,"

"Scrubs," "Ted Lasso."

- I get to work with almost

whoever I want to, right?

And yet, still, even for me,

there's certain people

that are elusive.

George Clooney--

I've always wanted to actually

work with him.

Also can't seem to make working

with Nikki Glaser happen.

So it's like--

- [laughs]

I have something

in common with Clooney?

Do you think,

though, that the project

that we're kind

of talking about--

- Do I think it'll happen

if you live in St. Louis?

- Yeah.

- I always tell people,

if you're thinking about diving

into something,

diving into a show,

diving into a movie, okay?

Your career is at a place,

as long as you don't get caught

in the permanence of it,

right now you can live

in St. Louis.

- Yeah.

- Everybody out here

puts this feeling

of permanence on it.

It's like, "I don't know--what

if my whole life's ruined?"

I'm like, "Well, then you sell

your place and move back.

Yeah, what are you doing?"

- The project

I'm working on with Bill

is one that my friend

Jamie Lee,

who is a writer on "Ted Lasso,"

came up with.

And I can't go into details,

but it involves her and I

as the stars of this show.

- I'm not gonna not do

this show with you

'cause you live in St. Louis,

'cause I know you'll move back

when you have to.

- Yes.

I've never done

scripted entertainment before,

but because Bill Lawrence

believes in me,

I'm just like,

"I must be good enough,"

because he knows

better than I do--I know that.

- As long as you accept

that in the inevitable peaks

and valleys of your career,

in the peaks, you can be

wherever you want,

and in the valleys, you have to

be here

and do whatever you want.

- Okay.

- Does that make sense?

- Yeah.

It means a lot to me,

and I really--

I cherish our friendship.

- And even though I really

appreciate having you

in my life,

I'm not going to St. Louis.

I'm not going to St. Louis,

no matter what.

- Thank you, Bill.

I want it all.

- Career, dogs.

- Birds.

- Birds.

- Kids. Husband.

Friends.

[both laugh]

*

- Hey.

- Oh, my God.

Come on in, Heather.

- Look at you.

- You go in there--I want

to be closer to the edamame.

Tony, can I order?

- Yeah, of course.

- I'll do

the crispy ones, yeah.

- Actually, do two of those.

- I'm gonna do shishitos.

- Shishitos.

- The seaweed salad.

- You got the salad section.

- Let's have some fun.

- Thank you.

- Got it. You're welcome.

- America's favorite

Midwest comic.

It's a niche, but...

- [laughs]

- We want you here.

We want you here.

- I used to only hang out

with comedians

every single night of my life

for the past 17 years.

So, until I moved back

to St. Louis,

that was all I knew.

- Yeah, you should be out here,

mostly to hang out, but also...

Actually, no other reason.

[laughter]

- But as much as I love seeing

my friends and, like,

getting a lot of work done

and feeling productive,

there's a part of me

that's missing being at home

in a way that I haven't

felt before.

Okay, I feel like most

people in sha-biz

are, like, kind of unhappy.

But I'm serious

when I say that you're one

of the most even-keeled people

I know.

Do you think

that's because you are single?

- Well, it's always

"grass is greener" syndrome.

- Yeah.

- Some people are bluffing it

when they're happy,

and it's all for those photos

and you just watch them fight,

and you go, "Goddamn,

they hate each other."

But I think being single is

hard to switch and be married.

And I think being married,

the idea of being single

is very tough.

- You're right.

- Because they go,

"What am I gonna do--

go to clubs every night?"

I'm starting

to think the grass is browner.

- [laughing]

- That's hilarious.

I run into,

where guys are like,

"It's whatever

you want it to be."

And I'm like, "No, no, no.

I want you to want me."

'Cause with my ex-boyfriend,

he's like,

"All right, cool,

whatever you want."

And I'm like, "I want you

to be the one to be like,

'Be my girlfriend.'"

It scares me that Chris

is never definitive

about what he wants.

When we were together in L.A.,

he still kept

his apartment just in case

things didn't work out.

And then we broke up.

- You don't want to be

a shoulder shrugger.

- I don't want a guy that's

just like, "I mean, yeah."

Shortly after that breakup,

I had to leave town

because I just needed, like,

start anew.

So there is something

about commitment that makes

the other person,

whether it's your leasing

company or your girlfriend,

feel safe.

How do you feel about feelings,

being asked by your feelings?

- I don't even

like the question.

- [laughing]

[upbeat music]

- This is what I used to do

as a kid.

I even knew as a kid that

I needed to keep my face young.

- You know

how I would lay out, honestly?

If I was, like,

in Miami or something

and I had to take my shirt off,

I would lay on my stomach

for, like, 95% of the time.

Wait, do you still leave

on your shirt with Brenna?

I don't know. Lately, I haven't

been thrilled with my body.

I'm like, "Let's do candlelight

for the shower."

- And you only want

to have sex in the shower

'cause it's

dimmer light in there?

- I don't know.

Who likes to have sex

in the bright daylight?

- Yeah, the other night

Chris filmed us

doing some stuff,

and I was like,

"I don't want

to see that side of myself."

And then I saw it,

and I was like, "That's me?

That's my best side."

I was like,

"Now when people are like,

'Which side do you

want to stand on?'

I'll just bend over

and spread my cheeks."

- [chuckles]

- I'm gonna call Chris.

Please don't mention it.

I don't want him

knowing that I told you that.

- I was gonna talk about it.

[laughs]

[line trilling]

- Hi.

- [laughing]

What are you doing?

- I'm laying out.

It's Cali, baby.

- Yeah, you are. Oh man.

- It's like a 1950s swimsuit.

Like, I'm, like,

Marilyn Monroe style.

- Yeah, you look

like a pinup girl.

- Yes, that's right. Thank you.

- And I like it.

It just went from,

like, 70 degrees to, like, 55.

- Oh. Andrew's here.

- How are you?

- I'm just yo-yo'ing.

- Yeah, you are.

- I'm bringing it back.

- Do you yo-yo?

- Do I yo-yo?

- Have you yo-yo'd?

- I want nothing

to do with this yo-yo joke.

- [laughs]

- I wish you were here.

You're so handsome.

- You are.

I mean, you know what I mean.

- No, a woman can be handsome.

- Okay,

then you're handso--

Well, no,

you're better than that.

- Okay, thank you.

- I do love Nikki.

And, like, when things

are good, it's amazing.

It's the best.

It's so much fun.

- I'm gonna screenshot

your face

'cause you're such a cutie.

Yes! Mwah.

- Don't do it.

- I'm gonna drown

in the pool right now.

- But, like, we've broken up

and gotten back together

100 times,

and 99 of those times

she would have been, like,

"I was ready to get married

and spend the rest

of my life with you."

- I can't wait

to kiss your face.

- Aw.

Look at you.

You can try now--I'll get

really close to the camera.

- Mmm-wah!

- We've thought we were

ready for more before,

and we were wrong.

Are we were wrong this time?

[goofy voice]

I don't know.

[normal voice]

All right, I miss you.

- I miss you, too.

- You guys have fun-fun.

- All right. [laughs]

- Yo-yo!

- I got to run.

Here comes the po-po.

- [laughs].

*

- So this is Laurel Canyon,

Andrew.

- Oh, nice.

- This is where, like,

you know, Joni Mitchell

wrote something once.

[laughter]

- All right, let's get that

enthusiastic L.A. energy up.

Give it up for Nikki Glaser,

everybody!

[cheers and applause]

- Hi, guys, how are you?

When I used to live in L.A.

and was doing multiple spots

every single night,

I loved it.

It was the dream.

My vagina

collects toilet paper,

like, more than the average.

Just finely rolled joints,

like, the most--

Like, I'm so impressed

with how perfectly

they're rolled.

I'm like, "Is my pussy

the Wu-Tang Clan?"

When I first started comedy,

I remember one night

I was onstage, and they kept

yelling to take my shirt off.

Before I go on a date,

I, like, scour it.

Like, I'll go page by page,

and I'll try to--

Sometimes I don't get

through it all.

And I ended up

running offstage,

and I hid in the storage closet

and called my mom crying

while sitting on a, you know,

a gigantic can of tomato paste.

- Make some noise

for Nikki Glaser!

[cheers and applause]

- Nikki Glaser!

- So it feels really good

to have a crowd, like, erupt

in, like, applause.

I have to go, you guys.

Thank you very much.

Thank you guys very much.

I have to go.

Thank you guys very much.

That's my time.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

But as good

as I feel right now,

it's never going to be

as satisfying

as being with people that,

like, love you no matter what,

which is what I have

in St. Louis.

I cannot go back to this life.

But I need Chris to actually

pursue our relationship

and work towards marriage

and kids and...

weekly owl prowls.

- Good show.

- Yay, thank you.

- So good.

- But, like,

also with, like, hot sex.

Holy ----, I am tired.

[upbeat music]

*

- Every time I get in a plaza,

I want to do,

like, Peter Venkman

in "Ghostbusters."

- I've never seen that movie.

- Bad reference, then.

- Hi.

- When Nikki goes out of town,

you get that little hint

of like,

"I miss--I'm missing Glaze."

- Wait, look at these I got us.

These are masks

so we can see each other.

- This is the dumbest thing

I've ever seen.

- We're like doctors...

- We're not like doctors.

- Or, like, sociopaths.

- And her coming back

is like a--

[insect buzzing]

[buzzing stops]

Um...

it's a bit of a celebration.

I love this place

more than I love

basically everything.

- Give me an Arch fact.

- It is 630 feet high.

Do you know how wide it is?

- Um, 36, 25, 34.

That's the Nelly song.

Didn't he give

the Arch measurements?

- No, it's not that.

- Oh.

- I love these pods.

- The things we

would do in here.

Don't ever forget what we

did on Magic Mount--

Was it Magic Mountain?

both: Splash Mountain.

- [laughs]

You want to lay up there?

- Yes.

[both laughing]

[both laughing]

- This is so cool.

- Just feel it.

- Can you feel the heartbeat?

- You're hot.

You really are.

But you are peaking.

- [laughs]

I feel like we're peaking.

- It feels really good.

I liked that therapy.

I got to say, like, it was

nice, and I want to go back.

- Yeah.

- Would you go back?

- Yeah.

No, I thought it was great.

I couldn't be happier.

It just feels like we're

heading towards being together.

And when--

- Forever.

- Yeah, I mean,

I'm a 40-year-old man.

I don't want to waste

your time.

And so, yeah, I mean,

we're having so much fun.

- You're a big reason of why

I would want to live here

or stay here.

- You want to stay here?

- If we ended up together,

of course.

I could stay here.

It would just be awesome.

What are you doing?

- Nothing.

- Oh, God.

- Well...

[both laughing]

I know it's not

the best time for this, but...

- [laughs]

*

- Oh, my God. Yes.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Yes.

----, yes.

- Will you be

my emergency contact?

*

- You got to start somewhere.

Yes. I will.

I will.

I have a dentist appointment

tomorrow.

- [laughs]

I was just about to say,

you're gonna get a lot of calls

from the hair replacement

clinic for men.

- [laughs]

It's not that bad.

Oh, God.

- Ah!

[both laughing]

- It might not look like it,

but this moment is huge for us.

I think my first plan of action

is to get that sex dungeon

that Chris and I have talked

so much about

under construction.

Let's go.

- All right.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

You're a strong woman.

- Mm.

The future for us

has never looked better.

So I'm at least there

for another six months.

You, me and Nelly.

- And the Arch.

And the Owl Man.

And Kirsten sometimes.

- Yes.

Some people go,

"Oh, you'll know

when it's the right person

'cause it's just easy."

This is not easy, but I like

things that are hard.

Have you noticed?

And he's hard.

Are you right now?

- Oh, Glaze, come on.

- Sorry.

- What a gal.

- Let's go get a room.

[both laughing]