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[upbeat music]
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- My friend Jeff
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used to have a joke
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that a bird is the only animal
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you can throw
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and you're helping it.
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- Hilarious.
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[both laugh]
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- I love birds.
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[imitates bird]
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- That's a good bird.
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Like, you could do a good bird,
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yeah.
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What kind of bird
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do you think you look like?
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- You tell me.
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- [laughing]
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Yeah.
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A stalk? Is that one?
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- A stalk?
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That sounds like a bird
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that I look like.
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- I think there's a stalk.
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- I just--
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- A stalk.
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- A stork?
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- A stork.
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[laughs]
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- A stalk.
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Oh, my God.
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- * I wanna miss my flight
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* I feel so all alone
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out on the road *
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* Can you welcome me home?
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[upbeat music]
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*
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- Hello.
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- Welcome.
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- How's it going?
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I'm Nikki.
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Is this a coatrack or--
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- That's an apparatus, so--
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- Oh, okay.
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Thank you so much.
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- You're welcome.
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- So you need to take
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your shoes off, first off.
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- Oh, Instructor Kerstin.
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- So shoes off now.
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I am a personal trainer,
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and my ultimate goal
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is to someday get Nikki
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to love Pilates
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as much as I do.
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We're gonna try to find
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a neutral spine today
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and work your core.
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- If you try to make your body
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a centaur,
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isn't that the hottest?
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It's nice to have a friend
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who's training you.
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Can't wait to get rich enough
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to, like, hire you.
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I wanna, like, move a studio
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into my apartment...
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- Oh.
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- And then have you, like, work
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out of there or something,
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I don't know.
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- Now you're getting me
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excited.
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Pull your chest out.
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Turn your thumbs up
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and out this way.
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- What?
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- Feel how from here,
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you've got that position more.
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Thighs open.
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- [groans]
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That feels so good.
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- So good.
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- This is my sex position.
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- So pull your pubic bone
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up to your face.
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- This is me trying to reach
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for Chris.
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- Hug the man.
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Imagine there's a burning
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beach ball right here.
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Suck it in,
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go back all the way.
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- Wait, but wait. Hold on.
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Where's the burning beach ball?
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I don't wanna...
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- Slowly.
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- Touch the burning ball.
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- Exhale. Press up.
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Oh, my gosh, Nikki.
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You're a natural.
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Yay.
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- I've never been a natural.
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- Yes, you have.
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- All I do is try
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at everything.
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It's a Taylor Swift lyric.
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- One more.
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I'm gonna make you do one more
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on that note.
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Gorgeous.
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Okay, rest this down.
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See, people find this
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more therapeutic
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than just, like,
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their therapy sessions.
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Okay, so how was Chicago?
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- I'm going there.
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- Oh, okay.
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- This week.
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- Since you can--
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- My parents are coming
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'cause they couldn't go
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to the St. Louis show.
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- So they're gonna be there--
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- And Chris is coming too.
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- [gasps]
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- So nice.
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- So supportive.
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- I know.
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Do you think I should change
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my material at all?
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With Chris
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and my mom and dad there?
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'Cause he's gonna be sitting
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next to them.
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Like, would you prefer me
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to talk about oral sex
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with you next to my parents
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or with other men
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in front of my parents?
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- Yeah. Who knows?
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- I don't wanna
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make him awkward.
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I, like, care
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about his feelings.
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But I also don't wanna
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not do my act
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because have paid money
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to see me be me.
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- Yeah.
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So many people to please.
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- I am a lady in the streets
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and a freak on the stage.
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And my parents are going.
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And also, Chris is going.
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And they've never been sitting
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next to each other
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while they have to hear jokes
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about me and Chris
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where, you know,
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fluids are being exchanged.
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I don't know how to put that.
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- Okay, we need a towel.
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- Yeah,
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there is a spray-tan situation
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because I needed self-esteem
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when I put on this tank top.
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It will come off.
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- Ooh.
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- [laughs]
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- We're in a good place.
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I feel like
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we're really connected.
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We're spending a lot of time
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together.
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We're having so much fun
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together.
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And we're keeping it--
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we're not going all the way.
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Because I don't wanna
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catch feelings again.
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It's been two years since
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we've done that, actually.
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And that's the longest stretch
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we've ever gone in eight years.
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- Yeah, but who's counting?
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- [laughs]
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June 2, 2019.
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- [laughing] No.
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- Not me.
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- [laughing] Oh, my God.
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- But that is the date.
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- Is that really?
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- Yeah, yeah.
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- You're kidding me.
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*
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- We're gonna have
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a cookout tonight.
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*
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[chimes clinking]
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[laughter]
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- Come get it!
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It's time for dinner.
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[laughter]
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- Ooh, we got deviled eggs
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and potato salad?
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- Yes, dear.
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- Can a man dream?
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- This is great.
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This Impossible Burger
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is delicious.
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- Mom. Mom.
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- I want it there.
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[laughter]
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- She told me that line.
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- I used to say that
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all the time
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when Chris would be like,
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"Glase, you got a thing."
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And I'd be like,
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"I like it there."
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And he'd be like,
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"Please don't do that."
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I go, "That's what
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my mom always says.
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She trained me."
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[laughter]
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- Why don't you just say so?
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- I always liked the one
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where your mom went through
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her catchphrase phase.
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- Mom went through a phase
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of, uh, bitches.
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"What up, bitches?"
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[laughter]
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You know what?
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What are you bitches doing?
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What do you want to drink?
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What do you bitches want?
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[laughter]
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Biatch.
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Mom's new catchphrase is,
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she says devastating things
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and then goes "Just kiddin'."
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- Just kiddin'.
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- It's like--
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- Just kiddin'.
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- Your mom never loved ya.
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Just kiddin'.
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- JK.
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JK.
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[laughter]
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Okay, so I'm just, like,
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floating the idea.
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What do you think
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about having birds someday?
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[laughter]
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I show him TikToks of parrots
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doing cute things
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and I go, "You'd be
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such a good bird dad."
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I love birds because I feel
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like I might be very birdlike.
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They're sweet
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and they're scared
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and they're very, like, quick
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and, like, jittery.
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- If you got a bird,
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could you give it
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to your bird sanctuary people
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in Chicago?
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If, like, things didn't
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work out and you couldn't...
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- She's working on it.
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- Yeah.
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- She's gotta go talk to them.
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- In Chicago, we're going
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to a bird rescue place
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that I won money for
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on "Who Wants
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to Be a Millionaire?"
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Celebrity Edition.
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- Was that when you went "No!"
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- Yes.
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- No!
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- So we're talking about that?
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- No!
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- They got 125 grand.
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- When I was on "Who Wants
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to Be a Millionaire"
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Celebrity Edition,
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I was doing pretty well.
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Better than I thought
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I could do.
295
00:05:58,835 --> 00:06:00,703
It got to this one question
296
00:05:58,835 --> 00:06:00,703
that was a little bit tough,
297
00:06:00,703 --> 00:06:02,538
and I said A instead of B
298
00:06:02,538 --> 00:06:05,274
when I knew
299
00:06:02,538 --> 00:06:05,274
that I meant to say B.
300
00:06:05,274 --> 00:06:07,276
And when you say
301
00:06:05,274 --> 00:06:07,276
"Final answer,"
302
00:06:07,276 --> 00:06:08,978
it's locked in.
303
00:06:08,978 --> 00:06:11,280
And I screamed, "No!
304
00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:15,818
No! No!"
305
00:06:15,818 --> 00:06:17,687
And I just go,
306
00:06:15,818 --> 00:06:17,687
"You know what I meant.
307
00:06:17,687 --> 00:06:19,288
You all know what I meant."
308
00:06:19,288 --> 00:06:21,491
But because it was for charity,
309
00:06:19,288 --> 00:06:21,491
they let me keep going.
310
00:06:21,491 --> 00:06:23,426
Everyone always does
311
00:06:21,491 --> 00:06:23,426
animal rescue
312
00:06:23,426 --> 00:06:25,528
or, like, dog rescue,
313
00:06:23,426 --> 00:06:25,528
cat--like,
314
00:06:25,528 --> 00:06:27,463
there's other animals
315
00:06:25,528 --> 00:06:27,463
that need rescuing too,
316
00:06:27,463 --> 00:06:29,165
like there's--there's birds.
317
00:06:29,165 --> 00:06:31,167
And so I just googled,
318
00:06:29,165 --> 00:06:31,167
like, bird rescue,
319
00:06:31,167 --> 00:06:33,973
and it was the first one that
320
00:06:31,167 --> 00:06:33,973
came up and I just go, "This."
321
00:06:33,973 --> 00:06:35,653
And I had no idea where it was
322
00:06:33,973 --> 00:06:35,653
or anything about it.
323
00:06:35,653 --> 00:06:37,273
And yeah.
324
00:06:35,653 --> 00:06:37,273
- 'Member we used to take Kiwi
325
00:06:37,273 --> 00:06:40,309
and just stick him on the table
326
00:06:37,273 --> 00:06:40,309
and spin him around and--
327
00:06:40,309 --> 00:06:41,611
Kiwi was
328
00:06:40,309 --> 00:06:41,611
the most amazing bird.
329
00:06:41,611 --> 00:06:42,645
It was like
330
00:06:41,611 --> 00:06:42,645
he would do whole sentences.
331
00:06:42,645 --> 00:06:44,313
- "I hate you.
332
00:06:42,645 --> 00:06:44,313
I'm so hungry."
333
00:06:44,313 --> 00:06:45,681
- What happened to that bird?
334
00:06:45,681 --> 00:06:46,916
- Great question.
335
00:06:45,681 --> 00:06:46,916
- He died.
336
00:06:46,916 --> 00:06:48,184
- Oh.
337
00:06:48,184 --> 00:06:50,319
- Julie had to clean the cage
338
00:06:48,184 --> 00:06:50,319
with Pine-Sol.
339
00:06:50,319 --> 00:06:51,387
- Okay.
340
00:06:50,319 --> 00:06:51,387
- My mom--well,
341
00:06:51,387 --> 00:06:53,456
it's no one's fault.
342
00:06:51,387 --> 00:06:53,456
She didn't want him to die.
343
00:06:53,456 --> 00:06:55,725
- EJ,
344
00:06:53,456 --> 00:06:55,725
you love to tell this story.
345
00:06:55,725 --> 00:06:57,560
You couldn't wait
346
00:06:55,725 --> 00:06:57,560
to tell that story.
347
00:06:57,560 --> 00:06:59,195
- I just brought it up
348
00:06:57,560 --> 00:06:59,195
'cause that's how--
349
00:06:59,195 --> 00:07:01,197
- But you love to tell--
350
00:06:59,195 --> 00:07:01,197
- But people ask how it died.
351
00:07:01,197 --> 00:07:02,899
- I had to tell 'em.
352
00:07:01,197 --> 00:07:02,899
- I know.
353
00:07:02,899 --> 00:07:04,934
- The people needed to know.
354
00:07:02,899 --> 00:07:04,934
[laughter]
355
00:07:04,934 --> 00:07:06,469
- What about all those birds
356
00:07:04,934 --> 00:07:06,469
up there?
357
00:07:06,469 --> 00:07:08,323
- Oh, my God.
358
00:07:08,323 --> 00:07:09,772
- Is that the bird?
359
00:07:09,772 --> 00:07:13,342
- Pine-Sol, Pine-Sol,
360
00:07:09,772 --> 00:07:13,342
Pine-Sol, Pine-Sol.
361
00:07:13,342 --> 00:07:15,511
- It was "birder."
362
00:07:13,342 --> 00:07:15,511
- What's that mean?
363
00:07:15,511 --> 00:07:16,813
[laughter]
364
00:07:15,511 --> 00:07:16,813
- Murder.
365
00:07:16,813 --> 00:07:18,181
- Oh.
366
00:07:16,813 --> 00:07:18,181
- Bird murder.
367
00:07:18,181 --> 00:07:20,283
Bird murder.
368
00:07:18,181 --> 00:07:20,283
[both imitate bird squawks]
369
00:07:20,283 --> 00:07:21,517
- Every one of these.
370
00:07:21,517 --> 00:07:22,819
[laughter]
371
00:07:22,819 --> 00:07:24,454
It was a dirty cage.
372
00:07:30,693 --> 00:07:33,896
[upbeat music]
373
00:07:33,896 --> 00:07:37,266
*
374
00:07:37,266 --> 00:07:39,633
- Can I have my dog in?
375
00:07:37,266 --> 00:07:39,633
- Yeah, that's totally fine.
376
00:07:39,633 --> 00:07:40,636
- Is that okay? Oh, thanks.
377
00:07:39,633 --> 00:07:40,636
- Aww.
378
00:07:40,636 --> 00:07:42,663
- Hi.
379
00:07:40,636 --> 00:07:42,663
- I think we're wearing
380
00:07:42,663 --> 00:07:44,340
the same outfit again.
381
00:07:42,663 --> 00:07:44,340
- No way.
382
00:07:44,340 --> 00:07:45,975
- Yahweh. Almost.
383
00:07:44,340 --> 00:07:45,975
- What?
384
00:07:45,975 --> 00:07:47,343
Cuteness.
385
00:07:47,343 --> 00:07:49,512
Sometimes I get the suspicion
386
00:07:49,512 --> 00:07:52,548
that...I'm turning
387
00:07:49,512 --> 00:07:52,548
into my mother.
388
00:07:52,548 --> 00:07:53,616
I don't like it.
389
00:07:53,616 --> 00:07:55,485
I'm not inviting it.
390
00:07:55,485 --> 00:07:56,819
But I'm not fighting it.
391
00:07:56,819 --> 00:07:58,721
- Oh, my God,
392
00:07:56,819 --> 00:07:58,721
you look adorable.
393
00:07:58,721 --> 00:08:01,357
- I look like you.
394
00:07:58,721 --> 00:08:01,357
- [laughs]
395
00:08:01,357 --> 00:08:02,825
- I mean,
396
00:08:01,357 --> 00:08:02,825
I do like this jacket.
397
00:08:02,825 --> 00:08:05,361
- That whole outfit
398
00:08:02,825 --> 00:08:05,361
is for the stage.
399
00:08:05,361 --> 00:08:07,463
- What stage?
400
00:08:05,361 --> 00:08:07,463
Menopause?
401
00:08:07,463 --> 00:08:09,933
- [laughs]
402
00:08:09,933 --> 00:08:10,933
- I'm so happy you guys
403
00:08:09,933 --> 00:08:10,933
are going to my show
404
00:08:10,933 --> 00:08:11,634
in Chicago.
405
00:08:11,634 --> 00:08:13,803
Even though my Netflix special
406
00:08:13,803 --> 00:08:15,772
where you guys came
407
00:08:13,803 --> 00:08:15,772
to the first show
408
00:08:15,772 --> 00:08:17,373
and then you weren't there
409
00:08:15,772 --> 00:08:17,373
at the second show...
410
00:08:17,373 --> 00:08:19,375
- It loosened you.
411
00:08:17,373 --> 00:08:19,375
- I did better the second show.
412
00:08:19,375 --> 00:08:21,511
'Cause the first show,
413
00:08:19,375 --> 00:08:21,511
I just saw you the whole time.
414
00:08:21,511 --> 00:08:23,379
- I needed a drink
415
00:08:21,511 --> 00:08:23,379
after that first show.
416
00:08:23,379 --> 00:08:24,647
- [laughs]
417
00:08:24,647 --> 00:08:25,982
- Nikki,
418
00:08:24,647 --> 00:08:25,982
if she wasn't my daughter,
419
00:08:25,982 --> 00:08:28,384
I probably wouldn't go see
420
00:08:25,982 --> 00:08:28,384
her show.
421
00:08:28,384 --> 00:08:30,953
I go because I love her.
422
00:08:28,384 --> 00:08:30,953
[both laugh]
423
00:08:30,953 --> 00:08:32,388
That's the truth.
424
00:08:32,388 --> 00:08:33,956
I mean,
425
00:08:32,388 --> 00:08:33,956
does that sound terrible?
426
00:08:33,956 --> 00:08:35,224
I think so.
427
00:08:35,224 --> 00:08:37,860
- Julie still has these nuns
428
00:08:35,224 --> 00:08:37,860
in her head talking to her.
429
00:08:37,860 --> 00:08:40,296
- Oh, my God.
430
00:08:37,860 --> 00:08:40,296
- [laughing] You do.
431
00:08:40,296 --> 00:08:42,164
- Sister Grace Angela.
432
00:08:40,296 --> 00:08:42,164
- She's in there somewhere.
433
00:08:42,164 --> 00:08:43,832
- [laughs]
434
00:08:42,164 --> 00:08:43,832
- Waiting to come out.
435
00:08:43,832 --> 00:08:46,669
- So, EJ,
436
00:08:43,832 --> 00:08:46,669
what is the most uncomfortable
437
00:08:46,669 --> 00:08:49,806
you've ever been
438
00:08:46,669 --> 00:08:49,806
in Nikki's shows?
439
00:08:49,806 --> 00:08:51,340
- I'm gonna veer off.
440
00:08:49,806 --> 00:08:51,340
- Any of your shows.
441
00:08:51,340 --> 00:08:52,708
- Head to the butchery.
442
00:08:52,708 --> 00:08:54,010
I'd rather--
443
00:08:52,708 --> 00:08:54,010
[laughter]
444
00:08:54,010 --> 00:08:56,733
I'd rather witness animals
445
00:08:54,010 --> 00:08:56,733
being murdered...
446
00:08:56,733 --> 00:08:58,753
- Than to hear the answer
447
00:08:56,733 --> 00:08:58,753
to this question?
448
00:08:58,753 --> 00:08:59,549
- Um, yeah.
449
00:08:59,549 --> 00:09:01,417
More sex the merrier, I say.
450
00:09:01,417 --> 00:09:02,952
- Yeah.
451
00:09:01,417 --> 00:09:02,952
Mom, what about you?
452
00:09:02,952 --> 00:09:05,822
- Whenever you talk about anal.
453
00:09:05,822 --> 00:09:07,757
- Well,
454
00:09:05,822 --> 00:09:07,757
you told me not to have sex.
455
00:09:07,757 --> 00:09:09,392
- I told you
456
00:09:07,757 --> 00:09:09,392
not to give it away.
457
00:09:09,392 --> 00:09:12,261
- Yeah, but you didn't specify
458
00:09:09,392 --> 00:09:12,261
what not to give away.
459
00:09:12,261 --> 00:09:14,430
I'm not giving away the one
460
00:09:12,261 --> 00:09:14,430
you told me not to.
461
00:09:14,430 --> 00:09:15,465
[laughter]
462
00:09:15,465 --> 00:09:16,699
My mom, I think sometimes,
463
00:09:16,699 --> 00:09:19,202
gets worried about what people
464
00:09:16,699 --> 00:09:19,202
might think of her daughter
465
00:09:19,202 --> 00:09:22,705
and has the reaction
466
00:09:19,202 --> 00:09:22,705
of, "Oh, you don't need to--
467
00:09:22,705 --> 00:09:24,343
"they might not like that one.
468
00:09:24,343 --> 00:09:26,363
That might be the one
469
00:09:24,343 --> 00:09:26,363
that gets you canceled."
470
00:09:26,363 --> 00:09:28,383
She's just very scared
471
00:09:26,363 --> 00:09:28,383
of what people think about me,
472
00:09:28,383 --> 00:09:29,779
and she just wants me
473
00:09:28,383 --> 00:09:29,779
to be liked by everyone.
474
00:09:29,779 --> 00:09:31,414
And listen, Mom, so do I.
475
00:09:31,414 --> 00:09:33,583
The irony is, everyone thinks
476
00:09:33,583 --> 00:09:36,219
that I'm so slutty,
477
00:09:33,583 --> 00:09:36,219
but I'm not at all.
478
00:09:36,219 --> 00:09:38,955
I can count the number of guys
479
00:09:36,219 --> 00:09:38,955
I've been with on--
480
00:09:38,955 --> 00:09:41,691
with both hands and both feet.
481
00:09:41,691 --> 00:09:43,659
- Ears.
482
00:09:41,691 --> 00:09:43,659
- That's a lot.
483
00:09:43,659 --> 00:09:46,863
- I still got a couple before
484
00:09:43,659 --> 00:09:46,863
I need to start adding hands.
485
00:09:46,863 --> 00:09:50,900
I have a reputation
486
00:09:46,863 --> 00:09:50,900
that I am slutty,
487
00:09:50,900 --> 00:09:52,902
which I wish I were.
488
00:09:52,902 --> 00:09:55,471
I've only slept with one person
489
00:09:52,902 --> 00:09:55,471
in the past eight years,
490
00:09:55,471 --> 00:09:56,472
and that's Chris.
491
00:09:56,472 --> 00:09:59,023
And I think that, you know,
492
00:09:59,023 --> 00:10:01,210
I bring on that reputation
493
00:09:59,023 --> 00:10:01,210
by talking about sex so freely.
494
00:10:01,210 --> 00:10:02,478
People don't know
495
00:10:01,210 --> 00:10:02,478
that all my sex stories
496
00:10:02,478 --> 00:10:04,013
are about one person.
497
00:10:04,013 --> 00:10:07,773
And we haven't had sex
498
00:10:04,013 --> 00:10:07,773
for two years.
499
00:10:07,773 --> 00:10:07,917
Two years.
500
00:10:07,917 --> 00:10:10,820
I feel like my act
501
00:10:07,917 --> 00:10:10,820
is like anal.
502
00:10:10,820 --> 00:10:12,789
You can't just, um,
503
00:10:10,820 --> 00:10:12,789
get into it right away
504
00:10:12,789 --> 00:10:14,357
without prepping a little bit.
505
00:10:14,357 --> 00:10:15,491
- But you have to prep it.
506
00:10:15,491 --> 00:10:17,193
- [laughs]
507
00:10:17,193 --> 00:10:19,762
*
508
00:10:19,762 --> 00:10:21,330
- Off to Chicago.
509
00:10:21,330 --> 00:10:25,623
Bird sanctuary.
510
00:10:21,330 --> 00:10:25,623
A mouth full of canker sores.
511
00:10:25,623 --> 00:10:27,643
*
512
00:10:27,643 --> 00:10:28,653
- We've done it.
513
00:10:28,653 --> 00:10:30,773
It's been in 15 people's hands.
514
00:10:28,653 --> 00:10:30,773
- Thank you.
515
00:10:30,773 --> 00:10:32,508
It's not contagious.
516
00:10:32,508 --> 00:10:33,776
- So I can kiss you
517
00:10:32,508 --> 00:10:33,776
on the mouth now?
518
00:10:33,776 --> 00:10:35,678
- [laughing] Oh, no.
519
00:10:33,776 --> 00:10:35,678
- [laughs]
520
00:10:35,678 --> 00:10:37,513
- Let's go to bird--
521
00:10:35,678 --> 00:10:37,513
let's go to bird town.
522
00:10:37,513 --> 00:10:38,948
- The famous sanctuary.
523
00:10:38,948 --> 00:10:41,150
- Bird town express.
524
00:10:41,150 --> 00:10:42,518
*
525
00:10:42,518 --> 00:10:43,820
- Bird, bird, bird.
526
00:10:43,820 --> 00:10:44,921
- I wanna be able
527
00:10:43,820 --> 00:10:44,921
to kiss a bird
528
00:10:44,921 --> 00:10:46,322
on its little head.
529
00:10:44,921 --> 00:10:46,322
- [laughs]
530
00:10:46,322 --> 00:10:47,523
- Getting close to the birds,
531
00:10:46,322 --> 00:10:47,523
guys.
532
00:10:47,523 --> 00:10:49,425
Five minutes away from birds.
533
00:10:49,425 --> 00:10:51,661
- What do you think they used
534
00:10:49,425 --> 00:10:51,661
your money for?
535
00:10:51,661 --> 00:10:52,762
- I bet, like--
536
00:10:51,661 --> 00:10:52,762
- Wouldn't it be funny
537
00:10:52,762 --> 00:10:55,298
if he had, like,
538
00:10:52,762 --> 00:10:55,298
an air hockey table?
539
00:10:55,298 --> 00:10:58,953
[laughter]
540
00:10:55,298 --> 00:10:58,953
- A pickleball court.
541
00:10:58,953 --> 00:10:59,769
- This just feels like
542
00:10:58,953 --> 00:10:59,769
a neighborhood.
543
00:10:59,769 --> 00:11:00,670
- This is weird.
544
00:10:59,769 --> 00:11:00,670
- This is--
545
00:11:00,670 --> 00:11:01,804
[laughs]
546
00:11:01,804 --> 00:11:04,373
[quirky music]
547
00:11:04,373 --> 00:11:07,210
It's gonna be so funny
548
00:11:04,373 --> 00:11:07,210
if it's just a guy's house.
549
00:11:07,210 --> 00:11:09,145
- This is some dude's basement
550
00:11:07,210 --> 00:11:09,145
for sure.
551
00:11:09,145 --> 00:11:09,946
- Oh, my God.
552
00:11:09,946 --> 00:11:11,914
I think this is--
553
00:11:09,946 --> 00:11:11,914
this might be it.
554
00:11:11,914 --> 00:11:13,316
- Oh, my--
555
00:11:11,914 --> 00:11:13,316
- [laughs]
556
00:11:13,316 --> 00:11:14,984
- Holy ----.
557
00:11:13,316 --> 00:11:14,984
- Uh-oh. There's a--
558
00:11:14,984 --> 00:11:16,819
- [laughing] Oh, my God.
559
00:11:14,984 --> 00:11:16,819
- There's a bird.
560
00:11:16,819 --> 00:11:19,833
- Uh-oh.
561
00:11:16,819 --> 00:11:19,833
- Nikki, who did you give
562
00:11:19,833 --> 00:11:20,843
your money to?
563
00:11:20,843 --> 00:11:22,191
- We thought it was gonna
564
00:11:20,843 --> 00:11:22,191
be an institution.
565
00:11:22,191 --> 00:11:24,394
A building.
566
00:11:22,191 --> 00:11:24,394
A commercial building.
567
00:11:24,394 --> 00:11:27,230
- From the outside,
568
00:11:24,394 --> 00:11:27,230
it's just a house.
569
00:11:27,230 --> 00:11:29,165
- Fingers crossed
570
00:11:27,230 --> 00:11:29,165
that they have more birds
571
00:11:29,165 --> 00:11:30,867
than two or three.
572
00:11:29,165 --> 00:11:30,867
[laughs]
573
00:11:30,867 --> 00:11:33,803
- I love birds.
574
00:11:33,803 --> 00:11:35,571
I'm so excited.
575
00:11:35,571 --> 00:11:37,206
- It's gonna be one toucan.
576
00:11:37,206 --> 00:11:40,510
- No, and Nikki will
577
00:11:37,206 --> 00:11:40,510
start going, "No, no!"
578
00:11:40,510 --> 00:11:42,243
- No!
579
00:11:40,510 --> 00:11:42,243
- [laughs]
580
00:11:42,243 --> 00:11:43,546
He's got a brand-new Rubicon
581
00:11:43,546 --> 00:11:45,581
that says
582
00:11:43,546 --> 00:11:45,581
"Thanks, Nikki Glaser"
583
00:11:45,581 --> 00:11:47,850
on the license plate.
584
00:11:47,850 --> 00:11:50,286
- What the ----
585
00:11:47,850 --> 00:11:50,286
are we getting ourselves into?
586
00:11:50,286 --> 00:11:51,754
Oh, my God.
587
00:11:51,754 --> 00:11:55,425
*
588
00:11:59,395 --> 00:12:01,531
- This is it.
589
00:11:59,395 --> 00:12:01,531
- Okay.
590
00:12:01,531 --> 00:12:03,666
- This is not what I expected.
591
00:12:03,666 --> 00:12:05,668
[knock at door]
592
00:12:05,668 --> 00:12:07,837
Hello. Hi. I'm Nikki.
593
00:12:07,837 --> 00:12:09,705
- Welcome.
594
00:12:07,837 --> 00:12:09,705
- Come on in. Nice to meet you.
595
00:12:09,705 --> 00:12:10,540
I'm Karen.
596
00:12:09,705 --> 00:12:10,540
- Nice to meet you, Karen.
597
00:12:10,540 --> 00:12:12,175
Hello.
598
00:12:10,540 --> 00:12:12,175
- If you go in the rooms,
599
00:12:12,175 --> 00:12:13,309
you're not gonna be able
600
00:12:12,175 --> 00:12:13,309
to talk.
601
00:12:13,309 --> 00:12:14,477
Yeah,
602
00:12:13,309 --> 00:12:14,477
you can go in the kitchen.
603
00:12:14,477 --> 00:12:15,645
- Great.
604
00:12:14,477 --> 00:12:15,645
[squawking]
605
00:12:15,645 --> 00:12:17,914
- There's over 60 birds
606
00:12:15,645 --> 00:12:17,914
in these two rooms right here.
607
00:12:17,914 --> 00:12:19,682
- Oh, my God.
608
00:12:19,682 --> 00:12:21,184
- We get all these calls
609
00:12:19,682 --> 00:12:21,184
all the time
610
00:12:21,184 --> 00:12:23,803
for people who wanna turn
611
00:12:21,184 --> 00:12:23,803
their birds in.
612
00:12:23,803 --> 00:12:26,833
And I have to say no,
613
00:12:23,803 --> 00:12:26,833
and that--that kills me.
614
00:12:26,833 --> 00:12:27,356
- We're finally saying no.
615
00:12:27,356 --> 00:12:29,192
We are maxed out
616
00:12:27,356 --> 00:12:29,192
on cockatoos right now.
617
00:12:29,192 --> 00:12:31,527
I have 44 cockatoos.
618
00:12:29,192 --> 00:12:31,527
both: Oh, my God.
619
00:12:31,527 --> 00:12:33,563
- Oh, yeah, obviously,
620
00:12:31,527 --> 00:12:33,563
we wouldn't have any cabinets
621
00:12:33,563 --> 00:12:34,997
if we let 'em go in here.
622
00:12:34,997 --> 00:12:37,200
They've got to be confined
623
00:12:34,997 --> 00:12:37,200
in a cage for safety.
624
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:38,768
- I'm excited to see
625
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:38,768
these little birds
626
00:12:38,768 --> 00:12:40,002
and look at them
627
00:12:38,768 --> 00:12:40,002
and play with them.
628
00:12:40,002 --> 00:12:44,207
Birds represent a very
629
00:12:40,002 --> 00:12:44,207
childlike feeling in my soul.
630
00:12:44,207 --> 00:12:46,809
- Um, just watch your fingers.
631
00:12:44,207 --> 00:12:46,809
[squawking intensifies]
632
00:12:46,809 --> 00:12:48,478
We'll walk in here.
633
00:12:48,478 --> 00:12:49,545
- Oh, my God.
634
00:12:49,545 --> 00:12:52,515
Oh--that's so fun.
635
00:12:52,515 --> 00:12:54,583
- Oh, my God.
636
00:12:52,515 --> 00:12:54,583
- [laughs]
637
00:12:54,583 --> 00:12:56,786
- What?
638
00:12:54,583 --> 00:12:56,786
[birds squawking]
639
00:12:59,155 --> 00:12:59,856
- Oh.
640
00:12:59,856 --> 00:13:02,523
- It sounds like you're walking
641
00:13:02,523 --> 00:13:06,903
into an exhibit at a zoo
642
00:13:02,523 --> 00:13:06,903
times 30.
643
00:13:06,903 --> 00:13:07,797
- I feel like
644
00:13:06,903 --> 00:13:07,797
I'm at a gun range.
645
00:13:07,797 --> 00:13:09,332
- They're definitely
646
00:13:07,797 --> 00:13:09,332
gonna go deaf.
647
00:13:09,332 --> 00:13:11,401
And that might be better
648
00:13:09,332 --> 00:13:11,401
for them, actually.
649
00:13:11,401 --> 00:13:12,902
- They probably are deaf.
650
00:13:12,902 --> 00:13:15,004
[squawking]
651
00:13:15,004 --> 00:13:16,606
- Oh, my God.
652
00:13:16,606 --> 00:13:18,574
Hi.
653
00:13:18,574 --> 00:13:20,510
[bird whistles]
654
00:13:18,574 --> 00:13:20,510
[laughs]
655
00:13:20,510 --> 00:13:21,277
- It just never dawned on me
656
00:13:21,277 --> 00:13:22,912
that you could be
657
00:13:21,277 --> 00:13:22,912
this into birds.
658
00:13:22,912 --> 00:13:24,743
- Oh, they are so cute.
659
00:13:24,743 --> 00:13:25,982
- Yeah, they really are.
660
00:13:25,982 --> 00:13:27,250
- That guy's a bird person.
661
00:13:27,250 --> 00:13:29,793
And that woman
662
00:13:27,250 --> 00:13:29,793
is a bird person.
663
00:13:29,793 --> 00:13:30,253
- Hi, sweet pea.
664
00:13:29,793 --> 00:13:30,253
- Hi.
665
00:13:30,253 --> 00:13:33,523
[bird whistles]
666
00:13:30,253 --> 00:13:33,523
- Yeah, you goofy girl.
667
00:13:33,523 --> 00:13:34,757
- Is Nikki one of them?
668
00:13:34,757 --> 00:13:36,325
I don't know. I don't know.
669
00:13:36,325 --> 00:13:37,593
- Oh, I love you.
670
00:13:37,593 --> 00:13:39,328
I love you.
671
00:13:39,328 --> 00:13:41,864
- It's like a--
672
00:13:39,328 --> 00:13:41,864
I'm close to being,
673
00:13:41,864 --> 00:13:43,032
like, concerned about it.
674
00:13:43,032 --> 00:13:44,867
- This is heaven.
675
00:13:44,867 --> 00:13:46,436
[squawking]
676
00:13:46,436 --> 00:13:47,670
- Ah, he touched me!
677
00:13:47,670 --> 00:13:50,406
Oh, it scared me. Oh, my God.
678
00:13:50,406 --> 00:13:53,643
- It's a noble job
679
00:13:50,406 --> 00:13:53,643
these people are doing.
680
00:13:53,643 --> 00:13:56,243
Who would do it?
681
00:13:56,243 --> 00:13:57,246
I wanna know.
682
00:13:57,246 --> 00:13:58,848
[both laugh]
683
00:13:58,848 --> 00:14:00,283
[piercing squawks]
684
00:13:58,848 --> 00:14:00,283
- That's my alarm clock.
685
00:14:00,283 --> 00:14:01,150
- Yes.
686
00:14:01,150 --> 00:14:02,919
- Can I put you on snooze?
687
00:14:02,919 --> 00:14:04,454
[laughs]
688
00:14:02,919 --> 00:14:04,454
Aww.
689
00:14:04,454 --> 00:14:06,522
I am, like,
690
00:14:04,454 --> 00:14:06,522
deeply, deeply moved
691
00:14:06,522 --> 00:14:07,857
by Rich and Karen.
692
00:14:07,857 --> 00:14:09,225
I want what they have.
693
00:14:09,225 --> 00:14:10,960
Is that a baby owl
694
00:14:09,225 --> 00:14:10,960
or is that a full-grown?
695
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,329
- No, it's a screech owl.
696
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,329
She's a full-grown owl.
697
00:14:13,329 --> 00:14:15,798
- You are so cute.
698
00:14:15,798 --> 00:14:16,966
- We can't thank you enough.
699
00:14:16,966 --> 00:14:19,535
I mean,
700
00:14:16,966 --> 00:14:19,535
you helped us out a lot.
701
00:14:19,535 --> 00:14:21,537
- It's the best feeling
702
00:14:19,535 --> 00:14:21,537
I've ever had.
703
00:14:21,537 --> 00:14:23,306
Truly. No offense.
704
00:14:23,306 --> 00:14:25,942
- [laughs]
705
00:14:23,306 --> 00:14:25,942
- But this is it.
706
00:14:25,942 --> 00:14:27,410
[squawks]
707
00:14:27,410 --> 00:14:33,649
*
708
00:14:33,649 --> 00:14:36,018
Right now
709
00:14:33,649 --> 00:14:36,018
I'm on my first theater tour,
710
00:14:36,018 --> 00:14:37,887
and I want my audience
711
00:14:36,018 --> 00:14:37,887
to have a good show.
712
00:14:37,887 --> 00:14:40,323
Chris and my mom and dad
713
00:14:37,887 --> 00:14:40,323
really won't be
714
00:14:40,323 --> 00:14:42,492
a part of my mind
715
00:14:40,323 --> 00:14:42,492
when I'm up there.
716
00:14:42,492 --> 00:14:43,993
But as soon
717
00:14:42,492 --> 00:14:43,993
as I walk offstage,
718
00:14:43,993 --> 00:14:46,662
I will be
719
00:14:43,993 --> 00:14:46,662
second-guessing everything,
720
00:14:46,662 --> 00:14:48,998
going over what--
721
00:14:46,662 --> 00:14:48,998
"Oh, did I say this one thing
722
00:14:48,998 --> 00:14:51,953
that might've made them mad?"
723
00:14:51,953 --> 00:14:52,235
And I'm, like, 17 years old
724
00:14:52,235 --> 00:14:54,983
and worried
725
00:14:52,235 --> 00:14:54,983
if everyone hates me.
726
00:14:54,983 --> 00:14:55,993
[cheers and applause]
727
00:14:55,993 --> 00:14:57,473
Putting in the Anbesol.
728
00:14:57,473 --> 00:15:00,033
I have a canker sore.
729
00:15:00,033 --> 00:15:01,377
- Chicago,
730
00:15:00,033 --> 00:15:01,377
make some noise right now
731
00:15:01,377 --> 00:15:02,845
for Nikki Glaser!
732
00:15:02,845 --> 00:15:04,714
[cheers and applause]
733
00:15:04,714 --> 00:15:07,683
[upbeat music playing]
734
00:15:07,683 --> 00:15:12,493
*
735
00:15:12,493 --> 00:15:14,190
- Thank you so much, Chicago.
736
00:15:14,190 --> 00:15:16,533
[cheers and applause]
737
00:15:16,533 --> 00:15:18,194
Oh, my God.
738
00:15:18,194 --> 00:15:21,164
Thank you guys so much
739
00:15:18,194 --> 00:15:21,164
for being here.
740
00:15:21,164 --> 00:15:22,999
It's gonna be a special show.
741
00:15:22,999 --> 00:15:24,700
I just--I can't hold back.
742
00:15:24,700 --> 00:15:25,935
I'm really sorry, Dad.
743
00:15:25,935 --> 00:15:28,337
They're here tonight, um,
744
00:15:25,935 --> 00:15:28,337
my mom and dad.
745
00:15:28,337 --> 00:15:29,505
I can't deny it.
746
00:15:29,505 --> 00:15:32,375
So every guy wants
747
00:15:29,505 --> 00:15:32,375
to ---- a lot.
748
00:15:32,375 --> 00:15:34,644
If they could,
749
00:15:32,375 --> 00:15:34,644
they kind of probably would.
750
00:15:34,644 --> 00:15:35,745
Here's the deal.
751
00:15:35,745 --> 00:15:37,246
My new rule is, no vagina.
752
00:15:37,246 --> 00:15:38,681
If you don't wanna do anal--
753
00:15:37,246 --> 00:15:38,681
I know you're like,
754
00:15:38,681 --> 00:15:40,249
"But I wanna do vaginal sex
755
00:15:40,249 --> 00:15:42,018
because I don't wanna
756
00:15:40,249 --> 00:15:42,018
do anal, Nikki,"
757
00:15:42,018 --> 00:15:43,219
please try it.
758
00:15:43,219 --> 00:15:45,421
Like, I just think
759
00:15:43,219 --> 00:15:45,421
you will like it.
760
00:15:45,421 --> 00:15:48,491
- I cannot look at Chris
761
00:15:45,421 --> 00:15:48,491
because I'm so worried
762
00:15:48,491 --> 00:15:51,661
that he is gonna be
763
00:15:48,491 --> 00:15:51,661
freaking out.
764
00:15:51,661 --> 00:15:53,596
- I know you're like, "But I
765
00:15:51,661 --> 00:15:53,596
tried it once and it hurt."
766
00:15:53,596 --> 00:15:56,199
Did you use, like,
767
00:15:53,596 --> 00:15:56,199
all the lube in the land?
768
00:15:56,199 --> 00:15:58,401
- [laughs]
769
00:15:56,199 --> 00:15:58,401
- Because if you didn't,
770
00:15:58,401 --> 00:16:00,803
yeah, it's gonna be terrible.
771
00:16:00,803 --> 00:16:03,206
Watch a YouTube video
772
00:16:00,803 --> 00:16:03,206
from a gay guy in his bathroom
773
00:16:03,206 --> 00:16:04,373
talking about how
774
00:16:03,206 --> 00:16:04,373
to anal douche.
775
00:16:04,373 --> 00:16:06,209
It's not--don't do it once.
776
00:16:06,209 --> 00:16:08,383
Do it
777
00:16:06,209 --> 00:16:08,383
until the water runs clear.
778
00:16:08,383 --> 00:16:09,779
Like,
779
00:16:08,383 --> 00:16:09,779
you don't want to look like
780
00:16:09,779 --> 00:16:13,783
you're pissing Flint, Michigan
781
00:16:09,779 --> 00:16:13,783
water out of your butt.
782
00:16:13,783 --> 00:16:14,917
- I don't think
783
00:16:13,783 --> 00:16:14,917
he's embarrassed
784
00:16:14,917 --> 00:16:17,153
for anyone else but for us.
785
00:16:17,153 --> 00:16:19,956
Like, he's, like, going,
786
00:16:17,153 --> 00:16:19,956
"I'm sitting right here.
787
00:16:19,956 --> 00:16:21,591
Nikki's parents are looking
788
00:16:19,956 --> 00:16:21,591
at me."
789
00:16:21,591 --> 00:16:24,160
- You just do tunnel vision
790
00:16:21,591 --> 00:16:24,160
and you get through it.
791
00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:26,829
- I recently had a guy do
792
00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:26,829
the "Daddy," uh, thing.
793
00:16:26,829 --> 00:16:27,864
And he was like,
794
00:16:26,829 --> 00:16:27,864
"Do you like that?
795
00:16:27,864 --> 00:16:29,665
Tell Daddy you like that,"
796
00:16:27,864 --> 00:16:29,665
and I just was like,
797
00:16:29,665 --> 00:16:31,000
"I don't wanna do that."
798
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:33,169
But I don't like kink-shame,
799
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:33,169
you know?
800
00:16:33,169 --> 00:16:35,538
So with the "Daddy" thing,
801
00:16:33,169 --> 00:16:35,538
just start with Daddy,
802
00:16:35,538 --> 00:16:37,974
but then slowly progress
803
00:16:35,538 --> 00:16:37,974
until you're at the point
804
00:16:37,974 --> 00:16:39,809
where you're going, "Da-da.
805
00:16:39,809 --> 00:16:43,980
Da-da, da-da."
806
00:16:39,809 --> 00:16:43,980
[blows raspberry]
807
00:16:43,980 --> 00:16:45,782
- Glase.
808
00:16:45,782 --> 00:16:47,773
Come on.
809
00:16:47,773 --> 00:16:49,793
Help me out here.
810
00:16:49,793 --> 00:16:50,653
- And then if he comes,
811
00:16:49,793 --> 00:16:50,653
you've got an issue.
812
00:16:50,653 --> 00:16:54,457
Like, if that's what does it
813
00:16:50,653 --> 00:16:54,457
for him...run.
814
00:16:54,457 --> 00:16:55,391
- Oh, jeez.
815
00:16:55,391 --> 00:16:56,626
- Sorry, man.
816
00:16:55,391 --> 00:16:56,626
- Oh.
817
00:16:56,626 --> 00:16:57,660
- [laughs]
818
00:16:57,660 --> 00:17:00,430
- And my dad is here.
819
00:17:00,430 --> 00:17:02,765
- [laughs]
820
00:17:00,430 --> 00:17:02,765
- So I, uh--I didn't think
821
00:17:02,765 --> 00:17:04,967
that blowing someone could
822
00:17:02,765 --> 00:17:04,967
make me feel those feelings.
823
00:17:04,967 --> 00:17:06,302
I always thought,
824
00:17:04,967 --> 00:17:06,302
oh, sex is the one
825
00:17:06,302 --> 00:17:07,603
that really locks you in
826
00:17:06,302 --> 00:17:07,603
to someone
827
00:17:07,603 --> 00:17:09,439
kind of almost against
828
00:17:07,603 --> 00:17:09,439
your will.
829
00:17:09,439 --> 00:17:11,306
But, you know,
830
00:17:09,439 --> 00:17:11,306
blow jobs are intimate as well
831
00:17:11,306 --> 00:17:12,975
'cause they're--
832
00:17:11,306 --> 00:17:12,975
if you go too deep,
833
00:17:12,975 --> 00:17:14,343
it's, like--
834
00:17:12,975 --> 00:17:14,343
almost hits your heart.
835
00:17:14,343 --> 00:17:18,180
Like, it's just tapping around
836
00:17:14,343 --> 00:17:18,180
that area.
837
00:17:18,180 --> 00:17:20,783
- For the love of Glase.
838
00:17:20,783 --> 00:17:23,453
But, um, if it's funny,
839
00:17:20,783 --> 00:17:23,453
it's--you have to do it.
840
00:17:23,453 --> 00:17:26,488
- Thank you guys so much
841
00:17:23,453 --> 00:17:26,488
for coming out.
842
00:17:26,488 --> 00:17:28,691
[cheers and applause]
843
00:17:26,488 --> 00:17:28,691
I love you. See you next time!
844
00:17:28,691 --> 00:17:30,526
Bye!
845
00:17:30,526 --> 00:17:31,561
- That was great.
846
00:17:31,561 --> 00:17:33,362
She's amazing.
847
00:17:39,633 --> 00:17:40,643
[upbeat music]
848
00:17:40,643 --> 00:17:41,871
- Mmm.
849
00:17:41,871 --> 00:17:43,773
This is the life.
850
00:17:43,773 --> 00:17:44,974
Andrew.
851
00:17:43,773 --> 00:17:44,974
- How's he doing?
852
00:17:44,974 --> 00:17:46,703
- Look at me.
853
00:17:46,703 --> 00:17:47,243
- I mean,
854
00:17:46,703 --> 00:17:47,243
that's heaven right there.
855
00:17:47,243 --> 00:17:50,980
- My rice cakes and vegan
856
00:17:47,243 --> 00:17:50,980
cream cheese and -------...
857
00:17:50,980 --> 00:17:52,014
- [laughs]
858
00:17:52,014 --> 00:17:53,383
How 'bout that bunion, huh?
859
00:17:53,383 --> 00:17:55,518
Do you see a lot of those, or--
860
00:17:55,518 --> 00:17:57,987
- Actually, no, not really.
861
00:17:55,518 --> 00:17:57,987
- [laughing] No.
862
00:17:57,987 --> 00:18:00,173
- 'Cause girls are ashamed
863
00:17:57,987 --> 00:18:00,173
of them.
864
00:18:00,173 --> 00:18:01,183
- Yeah.
865
00:18:00,173 --> 00:18:01,183
- Whoo-hoo!
866
00:18:01,183 --> 00:18:03,259
- Great show.
867
00:18:01,183 --> 00:18:03,259
- Thank you, Dad!
868
00:18:03,259 --> 00:18:04,360
- Whoo!
869
00:18:03,259 --> 00:18:04,360
- So much fun.
870
00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:06,233
- Really?
871
00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:06,233
- Yeah, oh, my God.
872
00:18:06,233 --> 00:18:07,196
- I'm so sorry.
873
00:18:06,233 --> 00:18:07,196
- Here, sit down.
874
00:18:07,196 --> 00:18:09,165
- It was great.
875
00:18:07,196 --> 00:18:09,165
- Oh, that's so nice.
876
00:18:09,165 --> 00:18:10,767
- Hey, man. How are you?
877
00:18:09,165 --> 00:18:10,767
- Don't mind him.
878
00:18:10,767 --> 00:18:12,902
[laughter]
879
00:18:10,767 --> 00:18:12,902
Hi.
880
00:18:12,902 --> 00:18:14,337
How was sitting
881
00:18:12,902 --> 00:18:14,337
with my parents?
882
00:18:14,337 --> 00:18:15,772
- It was great.
883
00:18:14,337 --> 00:18:15,772
We just didn't make eye contact
884
00:18:15,772 --> 00:18:18,353
the whole time.
885
00:18:15,772 --> 00:18:18,353
- We hardly looked over.
886
00:18:18,353 --> 00:18:19,375
- There was no--
887
00:18:18,353 --> 00:18:19,375
- Stared straight ahead.
888
00:18:19,375 --> 00:18:21,377
- There was no nudging like,
889
00:18:19,375 --> 00:18:21,377
that was a good one.
890
00:18:21,377 --> 00:18:24,413
[laughter]
891
00:18:21,377 --> 00:18:24,413
- I know they're funny, but--
892
00:18:24,413 --> 00:18:26,816
- I get teary-eyed hearing
893
00:18:24,413 --> 00:18:26,816
about all those other guys.
894
00:18:26,816 --> 00:18:28,551
[laughter]
895
00:18:28,551 --> 00:18:31,454
- So what about
896
00:18:28,551 --> 00:18:31,454
these anal jokes?
897
00:18:32,488 --> 00:18:34,357
- You know, I blacked out.
898
00:18:32,488 --> 00:18:34,357
- Yeah.
899
00:18:34,357 --> 00:18:35,591
It's understandable.
900
00:18:35,591 --> 00:18:37,226
- But I am looking
901
00:18:35,591 --> 00:18:37,226
at the audience.
902
00:18:37,226 --> 00:18:38,861
They like you.
903
00:18:37,226 --> 00:18:38,861
- They like me.
904
00:18:38,861 --> 00:18:41,583
They really, really like me.
905
00:18:41,583 --> 00:18:42,932
- It is something else.
906
00:18:42,932 --> 00:18:44,934
[laughs]
907
00:18:44,934 --> 00:18:46,669
- One, two, three.
908
00:18:46,669 --> 00:18:48,653
Nice. Got it.
909
00:18:48,653 --> 00:18:49,939
- Hi.
910
00:18:48,653 --> 00:18:49,939
- Hi.
911
00:18:49,939 --> 00:18:51,541
- Nikki.
912
00:18:49,939 --> 00:18:51,541
- Hi, I'm Kristin.
913
00:18:51,541 --> 00:18:52,742
- Hi, Kristin.
914
00:18:51,541 --> 00:18:52,742
Nice to meet you.
915
00:18:52,742 --> 00:18:54,377
- Nice to meet you.
916
00:18:52,742 --> 00:18:54,377
- What is this?
917
00:18:54,377 --> 00:18:57,313
Oh, my God.
918
00:18:54,377 --> 00:18:57,313
[gasps]
919
00:18:57,313 --> 00:18:58,815
I love it so much.
920
00:18:58,815 --> 00:19:01,751
It's a dog collar
921
00:18:58,815 --> 00:19:01,751
that has Taylor Swift on it.
922
00:19:01,751 --> 00:19:04,143
- Aww, it's so cute.
923
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:05,493
- Thank you, Kristin.
924
00:19:05,493 --> 00:19:06,222
- All right.
925
00:19:05,493 --> 00:19:06,222
- [laughs]
926
00:19:06,222 --> 00:19:07,423
I get all teary-eyed.
927
00:19:07,423 --> 00:19:08,424
It really gets me.
928
00:19:08,424 --> 00:19:09,826
Watching Nikki
929
00:19:08,424 --> 00:19:09,826
with all her fans
930
00:19:09,826 --> 00:19:11,928
just really gets me emotional.
931
00:19:11,928 --> 00:19:14,597
Probably because, uh,
932
00:19:11,928 --> 00:19:14,597
my mom took us to Chicago
933
00:19:14,597 --> 00:19:17,943
on a train
934
00:19:14,597 --> 00:19:17,943
to watch Phyllis Diller live
935
00:19:17,943 --> 00:19:19,402
when I was nine years old.
936
00:19:19,402 --> 00:19:22,205
And so I just think about
937
00:19:19,402 --> 00:19:22,205
my mother would just
938
00:19:22,205 --> 00:19:24,674
be going crazy
939
00:19:22,205 --> 00:19:24,674
to see Nikki doing this.
940
00:19:24,674 --> 00:19:26,943
- She'd love those anal jokes.
941
00:19:26,943 --> 00:19:28,211
[both laugh]
942
00:19:28,211 --> 00:19:29,779
I'm just kidding.
943
00:19:28,211 --> 00:19:29,779
Just kidding.
944
00:19:29,779 --> 00:19:32,181
- Dad, Mom.
945
00:19:29,779 --> 00:19:32,181
- Good to see you. Hi.
946
00:19:32,181 --> 00:19:33,282
- Bye.
947
00:19:33,282 --> 00:19:40,456
*
948
00:19:44,427 --> 00:19:46,162
- Good night.
949
00:19:44,427 --> 00:19:46,162
- Good night, baby.
950
00:19:46,162 --> 00:19:47,573
- Congratulations.
951
00:19:46,162 --> 00:19:47,573
- Thanks for everything.
952
00:19:47,573 --> 00:19:48,965
You knocked it out.
953
00:19:47,573 --> 00:19:48,965
- Thank you so much.
954
00:19:48,965 --> 00:19:50,867
- Yes. Oh, my God.
955
00:19:48,965 --> 00:19:50,867
Thanks for being here.
956
00:19:50,867 --> 00:19:52,668
It's so nice to have you.
957
00:19:50,867 --> 00:19:52,668
- Good night, Chris.
958
00:19:52,668 --> 00:19:54,370
- Talk soon. So good.
959
00:19:52,668 --> 00:19:54,370
See you, Chris.
960
00:19:54,370 --> 00:19:56,272
- We're gonna go
961
00:19:54,370 --> 00:19:56,272
to separate bedrooms.
962
00:19:56,272 --> 00:19:57,940
- Oh, I'm sure.
963
00:19:57,940 --> 00:19:59,242
[laughter]
964
00:19:59,242 --> 00:20:00,610
- After all the stress
965
00:19:59,242 --> 00:20:00,610
of, like,
966
00:20:00,610 --> 00:20:01,744
what it was gonna feel like
967
00:20:01,744 --> 00:20:03,733
performing
968
00:20:01,744 --> 00:20:03,733
in front of my parents
969
00:20:03,733 --> 00:20:04,447
while they're
970
00:20:03,733 --> 00:20:04,447
sitting with Chris,
971
00:20:04,447 --> 00:20:05,815
it was all for nothing.
972
00:20:05,815 --> 00:20:07,650
If anything,
973
00:20:05,815 --> 00:20:07,650
they seemed to like me more.
974
00:20:07,650 --> 00:20:08,751
- You behave.
975
00:20:07,650 --> 00:20:08,751
- Have a good one.
976
00:20:08,751 --> 00:20:10,987
- Good night.
977
00:20:08,751 --> 00:20:10,987
- Good night.
978
00:20:10,987 --> 00:20:12,688
- Yay.
979
00:20:12,688 --> 00:20:14,323
Yeah.
980
00:20:14,323 --> 00:20:15,825
I haven't been having sex
981
00:20:14,323 --> 00:20:15,825
with Chris
982
00:20:15,825 --> 00:20:18,561
because I just didn't wanna
983
00:20:15,825 --> 00:20:18,561
catch feelings,
984
00:20:18,561 --> 00:20:22,265
but I caught them anyway, so...
985
00:20:22,265 --> 00:20:23,466
let's go!
986
00:20:23,466 --> 00:20:25,868
Ready for a wild night?
987
00:20:23,466 --> 00:20:25,868
- No, no.
988
00:20:25,868 --> 00:20:27,770
- Got the canker sore
989
00:20:25,868 --> 00:20:27,770
treatment.
990
00:20:27,770 --> 00:20:29,993
- Gross.
991
00:20:29,993 --> 00:20:30,473
- I'm, like, so horny for it.
992
00:20:30,473 --> 00:20:34,033
[quirky music]
993
00:20:34,033 --> 00:20:34,243
You know what's going on
994
00:20:34,033 --> 00:20:34,243
down here.
995
00:20:34,243 --> 00:20:35,611
- No, nope.
996
00:20:35,611 --> 00:20:37,280
- Sorry to be gross.
997
00:20:35,611 --> 00:20:37,280
- Nope.
998
00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:38,848
- Presently occupied.
999
00:20:38,848 --> 00:20:40,883
*
1000
00:20:40,883 --> 00:20:42,852
- For the love of Glase!
1001
00:20:42,852 --> 00:20:43,953
- Next time...
1002
00:20:43,953 --> 00:20:44,987
Oh, I got some eyes.
1003
00:20:44,987 --> 00:20:46,022
- This is weird.
1004
00:20:46,022 --> 00:20:47,423
- Are you girls done?
1005
00:20:47,423 --> 00:20:49,025
- Yes.
1006
00:20:47,423 --> 00:20:49,025
- [laughs]
1007
00:20:49,025 --> 00:20:51,027
[piano playing]
1008
00:20:49,025 --> 00:20:51,027
[trills lips]
1009
00:20:51,027 --> 00:20:53,233
- All right, all right.
1010
00:20:51,027 --> 00:20:53,233
- It's my first time
1011
00:20:53,233 --> 00:20:54,897
singing in front of people.
1012
00:20:54,897 --> 00:20:56,999
I just wanna be Taylor Swift
1013
00:20:54,897 --> 00:20:56,999
and I can't.
1014
00:20:56,999 --> 00:20:58,234
- [laughs]
1015
00:20:58,234 --> 00:20:59,268
[cheers and applause]
1016
00:20:59,268 --> 00:21:01,653
- I would literally rather do,
1017
00:21:01,653 --> 00:21:03,906
like, a donkey show than this.
1018
00:21:03,906 --> 00:21:06,309
If we get back together,
1019
00:21:03,906 --> 00:21:06,309
we should just get engaged.
1020
00:21:06,309 --> 00:21:08,010
- Oh, yeah?
1021
00:21:06,309 --> 00:21:08,010
Sometimes I'm like,
1022
00:21:08,010 --> 00:21:08,978
Glase just wants to be a wife
1023
00:21:08,978 --> 00:21:11,914
and it's whatever sucker
1024
00:21:08,978 --> 00:21:11,914
is willing to do it.
60482
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