All language subtitles for Welcome.Home.Nikki.Glaser.S01E02.720p.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV_track3_[eng]

- It's made very good progress.

- Okay.

- Sorry, can I interrupt?

Can I get a selfie with you?

- Of course.

- You want to see up her nose

with her back?

- Yeah!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- I just want her to open wide.

- Oh, you're so cute!

Thank you, Nikki.

- This is gonna take a picture

of your teeth.

Typically, I would ask if

you have a strong gag reflex,

but I've listened to your

interviews, so I know--

- [laughs]

- I know you're okay with that.

- * I wanna miss my flight

* I feel so all alone

out on the road *

* Can you welcome me home?

[upbeat music]

*

- All righty.

This has to be tucked in.

But the colors are great.

- No.

- No, the color--

- No.

- That makes me--I'm just

never tan enough for that.

- Are you out shopping for

anything in particular today?

Or...?

- Yeah.

I have a show tonight,

and just looking for something,

like, fun

and pop star-y

to tell dick jokes in.

- Perfect.

- [chuckling] Yeah.

- Is there a dick-joke section?

- [laughs]

- Maybe?

*

- How Nikki was growing up,

I would've never guessed

that she would be a comedian.

I don't know.

I just know her

from just still her

being this little girl

who was kind of like,

"No, don't tell your mom

that I need a tampon."

*

- Ow.

Jesus Christ.

I feel like I'm at a saloon.

Oh, she walked into the saloon.

These are too small.

- Okay.

I'll work a little harder.

- I'll just take this in.

Oh, my gosh.

That's so delicious.

- I get worried

that other female comics

might talk [bleep] about me

for dressing too flashy,

like trying to get attention.

Puffy pirate.

- Let me see.

- [chuckles]

- But that's why

I'm a comedian,

is I want attention.

And that's why

you're a comedian, too, bitch.

*

- Are you feeling nervous at

all about performing tonight?

Like, with

all the St. Louis people or...

- It's, um, definitely the

biggest venue I've ever done.

I do not like performing

in St. Louis,

because the things you say

on stage will follow you home.

I don't want people

at the grocery store

knowing what

my vagina looks like.

It's just, like,

so much more stressful

performing at home

than it is on the road,

because you can say

whatever you want on the road.

- No, I get it.

I've performed

in front of my mom and dad.

I don't--

I didn't do a certain joke.

- I mean, it'll make me

a lot more comfortable

that my dad's not there,

but I mean, for example,

I have a joke about eating ass,

and I don't have to say whose.

Yeah, please, earmuffs.

- [chuckles]

both: Luigi's seen it.

- [laughs]

- Dad's got COVID.

[sighs]

And therefore,

my mom might have it,

so they can't go

to the show tonight.

You know,

I'm probably just gonna

wear something from my closet

for the show tonight.

Part of me is like,

"Did you get COVID

just so you didn't have to hear

me talk about eating ass?"

And then

the other part of me is like,

"Oh, now I can talk

about eating ass."

Are you from St. Louis?

- I'm not.

My boyfriend, now husband,

is from Kirkwood, so...

- Oh, nice. Same.

I went to Kirkwood High School.

Did he?

- Oh, he did. Yeah.

- What's the last name?

- Stream.

- Oh, wait.

Larry Steam?

- Oh, yeah.

That's their cousin.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- [gasps]

Larry Steam was my first kiss.

- Shut up.

- Yeah!

[laughter]

He gave me mono.

- Oh, my God.

- He's married, right?

- Yeah. With a kid.

- Okay, yeah.

- Of course.

- Are they, like, doing well?

- I think so.

- Oh.

Um, well, tell him I said hi.

- I will.

- [chuckles]

- You know what I love,

Kerstin?

- What?

- Sex toys

in literally every drawer.

[chuckles]

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[toy buzzing]

- This is to, like,

undo the bags under your eyes.

Or to...

- Is this clean?

- Put inside your asshole.

Oh, wait.

- This isn't clean.

- Yeah, no,

I washed all of these before

I put them back in the drawer.

- Okay, okay.

- [mouths words]

*

Before you go on,

you got to fix this eyelash.

- Kerstin,

I will do everything.

- [chuckling]

- Okay.

[car horn honking]

- Oh, my God.

Oh, he's going to the show!

He's going to the show, Nikki.

- Oh! [laughs]

- [gasps]

- [squeals]

- Yes! See you there!

- Yeah!

- [chuckling] Yeah!

- Love you!

- [chuckling]

- Whoo!

- Yay!

- I love my fans

who are obsessive.

- How you feel

about Taylor Swift

is how I feel about you.

I'm not even lying to you.

- Oh, my God!

Because I also am obsessive

over celebrities, too.

Like, one time,

I touched Adam Duritz',

lead singer of Counting Crows,

dreadlocks.

I touched them like they were

wind chimes,

and he looked at me like--

like, he was mad.

And I didn't

wash my hands afterwards,

and I put masking tape,

and I, like,

put it on a postcard

because I wanted

to capture his dread DNA.

- You're from Kirkwood, too,

though, right?

- Yes.

- But when I met Nikki,

I knew she was from Kirkwood.

- How did you guys meet again?

- I was on Nikki's

first big TV show.

- I liked you, so I was like,

"I need to get this guy

to see me

in, like, a sexual way."

And we had to come up

with an idea for Alison Brie,

and Chris was producing it.

And I was like, "What if

I asked her for an autograph?"

Because my cousin was

a huge fan.

And she goes, "Oh, sure,

I'd love to give him one."

And then I lift up my shirt,

and I go, "If you could

just sign the left one,

that's his favorite."

Because...

- Ah.

- I have bigger boobs

than people think I do.

They're, like, sneaky big tits.

- [laughing] I remember

you saying that all the time.

- I was changing shirts

an hour ago,

and you were like,

"Jesus Chri--"

- Yes.

- Like, you still get shocked.

- Yeah, I still--[chuckles]

Yes, I'm still--

totally.

Congrats on having SBTs.

- We're here.

- Oh, my God,

this place is gigantic.

[indistinct chatter]

- What do you want out of here?

- Suitcase, stool.

Even though I'm about

to perform for 3,000 people

at a sold-out show, like,

I don't like to get

too obsessed with the numbers

and how big the place is.

Okay, I'm gonna get ready.

Because in St. Louis,

I feel like they're all there

to maybe just, like,

"What is this about?

Let's just see what

she's up to."

- St. Louis, make some noise

for Nikki Glaser!

[cheers and applause]

*

- Yes, St. Louis!

Thank you!

Oh, my God!

Look at all of you!

Oh, you [bleep] came out.

You guys, thank you so much

for being here.

Seriously.

[cheers and applause]

My immune system

is pretty sturdy.

Like, I eat things

off the floor.

I'm not even, like,

five-second rule.

I'm like five-month rule.

Like, I don't care

I just--I've eaten ass before.

Like, I--

[cheers and applause]

The reason

I'm so honest onstage

and that I talk about things

that are so "inappropriate"

is because I wasn't allowed

to talk about anything

when I was little.

If you would've asked me

five years ago,

"Nikki, will you ever eat ass?"

I would've been like,

"Yeah, I did three years ago."

[laughter]

I was a weird kid, and I said

weird things sometimes.

And I was met

with a lot of, like...

"Jules, did you just hear

what she said?"

I didn't kiss a boy

until I was 17.

I didn't have sex

till I was 21.

I didn't have consensual sex

till I was 24.

And I'd be like,

"But you can see his dick

through the spandex.

"He's an ice skater,

and it's on the Olympics,

and you can see his dick."

Why isn't that

something I can say?

I didn't enjoy sex till I was

never, and, like, I--

It just--I really was very--

I was very scared

'cause I overthought

everything, and I--

You were my

second-grade teacher?

[cheers and applause]

You're still alive?

Can you believe, like,

teachers, like,

listen to people

talk about eating ass?

Like, that's--

you, like, should be--

you should lose your license

for being here.

[applause]

*

[siren wailing]

[car door closes]

[doorbell rings]

[knocking at door]

Hey, thank you so much

for coming tonight.

It means so much!

Good night!

I hope you had fun!

[cheers and applause]

[knocking at door]

- Police.

Open up.

- Hey, thank you so much

for coming tonight.

It means so much!

Good night! I hope you had fun!

[cheers and applause]

[knocking at door]

- Police. Open up.

We received a distressing call

about Nicole Glaser.

- Okay.

- Do you know where she is?

- She's onstage performing

right now.

- [chuckles]

All right, so it sounds like

this was a prank call.

[upbeat music]

*

- Can't sleep.

How do you even take it off?

- I don't think

it has a battery, dude.

This is the first thing

I've ever seen you do handy.

- Huh?

[chuckles]

What's going on with you?

- Um, I just got up,

and my mom got swatted.

Do you know what that is?

- No.

- When someone calls in

a false emergency.

Bottom line is,

my mom was home alone,

and a cop showed up

thinking that I was there

with a bunch of guns...

- What?

- And drugs and that I was sold

into sex slavery or something.

- Like, that's what

they went with?

- I'm just glad

they didn't beat down the door.

Anyway, I'm going out

to my parents' house.

Will you come with me

to, like, just talk to them?

- Oh, you need muscle?

- No.

- [laughs]

- Since moving back

to my hometown of St. Louis,

I have this false sense

of safety

that, until my mom was swatted,

I didn't realize was

completely delusional,

because there's direct flights

to St. Louis on Southwest...

any time of day.

As a comedian, like,

if someone wants to murder you,

it's not hard.

- Yeah, you just gotta--

- Like, you just go to my show.

You might have

to pay 75 bucks, but--

- It's a small price to pay

to kill you.

- Yeah.

[sniffles]

And if you get

a meet-and-greet,

it's even easier.

- [laughs]

- Maybe that's why

I moved so quickly,

is because I have

to be on alert

like a woodland creature.

I will sprint to my car

in a dark parking lot,

because the second I feel like

someone could get me,

I start running

because I like

to give the illusion

I'm already being chased.

So that if someone was like,

"I want to get her,"

they'd be like,

"Oh, she's taken."

[upbeat music]

Sorry, Mom.

- It's okay.

- How was your first swatting?

- It was weird.

Your dad is down at the river

being sequestered--

- I know.

- Or not sequestered.

What am I--

- Quarantined.

- Yeah.

- Quarantined.

Because he's got COVID

and I don't.

He's like,

"Somebody's at the front door."

We have a camera on the front

porch, and he can see,

so I go look, and

I can see the cop cars outside.

I open the door, I'm like,

"What is going on?"

They are like,

"Where's Nicole Glaser?"

And I said, "What?"

- [whimpers]

- And then they said,

"Apparently she's suicidal,

and she's got

ammunition and drugs,"

and they kept going on and on.

- Only two of those are true.

- [laughs]

- Yeah, and then the next one

was, like...

- [laughing]

- I don't have guns.

- "She's gonna be sold

into sex slavery

by her manager."

- Sometimes

it feels like that.

- [whimpers]

- I said, "No.

She's not here,

blah, blah, blah."

And he's like, "Okay.

And who is she?"

And then I said,

"It's Nikki Glaser."

And he goes, "Nikki Glaser?

She's so funny. I love her!"

She's onstage performing

right now.

[both chuckling]

And her road manager

would never, ever...

- Sex-traffic her?

[chuckles]

- Not a sex trafficker

for sure.

- If a call comes

in again where it's like,

"She's suicidal,

she's got guns,"

and all that stuff, you know,

unless it's

two days before my period,

I'm not gonna be suicidal.

- [laughs]

- And right now

she's at a sold-out show,

so you can just surmise

this is probably a fake call.

- Yeah, I'm still

a little affected by this.

Honestly,

it just happened last night.

- My parents' address

is out there.

My fans have it.

They send us fan mail there.

"I moved again, so note

the address for your records."

I will note it,

and I'll notify the FBI.

- [chuckles]

- And I think my mom

is really anxious

about her location being known.

- I had a hammer

and a screwdriver

in my bed last night with me,

just in case.

- If the killer came over,

you're like,

"Look, I'll repair anything."

[chuckling]

"Just back away"--

- Let me go over to your place

and fix some stuff.

Yeah.

- Do you know how

to protect yourself?

- Not really.

- Maybe we should take, like,

a self-defense class.

I've always wanted to do that.

- I'm in.

- I need new tricks,

because my usual defense is,

"No, I'm not."

- Stop it.

- [laughing]

[upbeat music]

- I never told you this,

I don't think,

but, Chris, when were dating

back in the day,

he wouldn't say, "I love you."

Girls are always waiting

for that.

Like, after you get him

to be your boyfriend,

then it's just a ticktock,

waiting,

watching the clock

until he says, "I love you,"

so I was waiting for

"I love you."

I already loved him,

and he wasn't saying it.

One day, he goes,

"I'm enthusiastic

about being with you."

- Oh! Oh!

[chuckles]

- "I'm enthusiastic

about being with you."

- Oh, my God!

*

- Hey, hey.

- Hi.

- Look at you.

This is--

it's working.

- I mean, they're out.

[both laugh]

Let me know

if I have any food in my teeth

or a nipple pops out.

- [chuckling]

Yeah, I'll let you know both,

immediately.

- [chuckles]

We'll do this to get the menu.

Oh, my God, this place

is so up my alley.

- Yeah.

I've been here before.

- You've been here before?

Did you go on a date here?

- I did.

- Oh, my God.

[quirky music]

- I've always felt lucky

that you

don't take any of those things

as, like, taking away from you.

- No.

Good luck to those ladies.

[both laugh]

Wait, there's still Brussels

sprouts coming, too, right?

- Yeah.

- I just thought

I forgot to order.

I wasn't like,

"Where are they?"

- You're good.

- Okay, cool. Thanks.

It's so good right now,

what we are.

*

Like, isn't it

pretty [bleep] good?

- Yeah.

- I'm just so scared

it's gonna go back

to the way it was

when it was bad.

- You know, the stuff that

happened with us

with the podcast

from, like, seven years ago,

you were saying things

that were not true.

I heard you call me disgusting.

I was like, "Whoa."

It's like

you hated your boyfriend.

- But there were things going

on in our relationship

that I was not saying to you

at the time

that I was upset about, and

I was too scared to bring up

'cause I thought you would say,

"Well, then, if you feel

this way, we should break up."

And I just wasn't

willing to do that.

When Chris and I first started

dating nearly eight years ago,

I was so desperate

for him to be my boyfriend

and to love me

that I was just pretending

to be the version of the girl

that I thought he would love.

I was mad at you deep down,

and I know that's hard

for you to hear.

But, like, instead, I would

just wait for it to go away

and just push it down,

and then it would come out

in those ways.

That's my way

of handling the truth,

is doing it into a microphone

when no one

can say anything back

and I have the final say.

That was me not being able

to deal with my own anger.

So now we are still

overcoming the breach of trust

that took place early on

in our relationship

when I was pretty much lying

about who I was.

Based on what

we've been through,

I don't expect you to just go,

"Okay, I trust you."

I have to earn it

from you again.

- Well, we've talked

about this, and we both--

we both have, like--

[chuckling]

We have a lot of work to do.

- And I like the work.

I mean, this conversation

took a turn that, like,

obviously makes us both

uncomfortable,

but the thing is, like,

when we get in these areas now

where I used to go, "Oh, no,"

like, "Just give him what he--

like, just"--

- Just lie.

- Yeah, just lie.

Now, I just go,

"No, you said what you said.

Stand by it."

I really like where we're at.

And I love you.

- Aw.

Glase.

- I do.

- [sighs]

Thanks, Glase.

- We've transcended to some

next level of communication

for our relationship,

which I'm--you know,

is a requisite for us to move

any further in our, you know,

whatever we're calling

ourselves.

What's next?

"It's complicated"?

And then it's like--

- I don't even--

- Then married, I think.

Okay, so that is next.

- I think there's a--

- It's a steep jump,

but you can handle it.

- I think there's

seven different things

in there between.

- I can't help but remember

that I said, "I love you,"

and you didn't say it back.

- I'm waiting

for the skywriter to come

and write it in the sky.

[laughs]

- So I have our

chocolate avocado mousse.

- Thank you, Sean.

I love you.

*

[upbeat music]

- Where'd you find

this place, Nikki?

- I just typed it in Google.

- Oh, Jesus.

- Look at your badass shirt.

You look intimidating.

- Well, I went on vacation.

- Yeah, I like it.

You got that on the East Coast,

I'm guessing?

What part?

- [chuckles] Good guess.

It doesn't matter.

*

- Hi.

- Hi, I'm Kyle.

- Kyle, nice to meet you.

- This is Trevor.

- Hi, Trevor.

Nikki.

Nice meeting you.

This is my mom, Julie.

As much as my mom

watches murder shows

and sees women being attacked

on TV constantly,

I don't know what she knows

how to protect herself,

because I know I don't.

- So let's just talk

a little bit

about kind of like what

you're, like, worried about.

Home invasion,

somebody catching out outside?

Like, what's kind of--

- Like, I am a huge celebrity,

and--

No.

[laughter]

I have a little bit of fame,

and things are starting

to get just weird for my family

in terms of, like, people

finding out where we live.

And we had

an incident this week

where I got, like, swatted.

- She didn't get swatted.

I got swatted.

- She got swatted, you know?

- Yeah.

- So, yeah,

I just want to feel safer.

- I think all women

should have some knowledge

of how to protect themselves.

And, you know, I'm becoming

so famous, too, myself.

Just kidding.

[chuckles]

Just kidding.

- What would you suggest

if, like, someone

was violating you, like--

should you bite their penis?

[quirky music]

- I'll be honest.

I wasn't ready

for that question,

but the idea is, we want

to do anything we can,

biting included,

to make space.

So I promise you

that Trevor or I,

if someone bit us there,

we would give you space.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- At least for a second.

Well, I'm really glad you

guys came and made some time.

And we're happy

to show you some things.

Let's just get started,

because I feel like I'm talking

to you guys too much.

You know, if he holds on,

whack, boom.

And then we're

back into our situation again.

Does that make sense?

- Yes.

- Let me see if I can do

a couple scoot things.

- First simulate kicking me.

- Okay, I'll push you away.

- Oh, ow.

- And then I scoot back.

- Scoot, scoot, and then we'll

just stand up the way we did.

- Okay.

- So--yes.

- Nice.

- You want to plan on, like,

what is the thing

that is just gonna get you away

the quickest.

- I usually just

want to whisper,

"Can we talk about us?

Like, what are we?"

[laughter]

- Let's start off

in the mount position.

He's obviously the bad guy.

I'm the good guy

in this situation.

So I'm gonna throw my hands

at my hips

as I bridge and look that way.

So right here,

hands to the stomach,

kick, and out.

Immediately, I stop right here.

- Okay, Trev.

- All right, Trevor.

- There's something

very intriguing

about being mounted by men

and, like, kind of, like,

lightly strangled by them

and learning techniques

to go like, "No,"

even though you

kind of want it.

Okay.

Fairy princess!

[laughter]

Okay.

It's not like I was

getting aroused

during my jujitsu lesson,

but it's not like

I wasn't not getting aroused.

- All right.

Come at me, Nikki.

Hold on.

- I don't want

to clean my room!

[both straining]

- Sorry.

Oh, I didn't do it.

- Being famous,

it has its ups and downs.

- Like, a SWAT team shows up

at my house.

- Okay.

[both laugh]

- All right, hold on.

Two seconds. Let me just think.

You've got a great fanbase.

- Yeah, I do.

- And they really love you.

- Yeah.

- Like I do, but too much.

[both laugh]

- But I want to watch

"Dawson's Creek"!

- No!

It's a bad TV--

[laughter]

- Come on.

All the way up, all the way up.

- Oh, and then I stand up.

No "Dawson's Creek"!

- [laughing]

Yeah.

Good job.

- Oh, Nikki.

That wasn't that good.

- See?

And I'm already in there.

- It's just like sex.

Boys don't do foreplay.

They just go... [grunts]

Do you think it's ridiculous

if I try to have

a different career than comedy?

I've always been interested

in being a singer-songwriter.

I definitely am

a better singer than Bob Dylan.

[imitating Bob Dylan]

* He sings like this

[normal voice]

Like, that's not good.

- What's going on with Chris?

- I want to be married.

Like, I want to be a wife.

Chris and I are doing so great

that maybe I want kids.

Maybe it's just St. Louis,

'cause everyone in St. Louis

has kids.

- [squealing]

- I got him!