All language subtitles for Welcome.Home.Nikki.Glaser.S01E01.720p.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV_track3_[eng]

- Nikki Glaser!

- Give it up for Nikki Glaser,

everybody.

- Nikki Glaser!

- I'm on my way

to becoming one of the most

successful female comics

working today.

You're about to laugh at things

that make you feel

like you're gonna go to hell.

Hell, I'm on my way

to becoming one of the most

successful comics

working today,

that happens to have a vagina.

[upbeat music]

In 2020, my career was

at an all-time high.

And then the pandemic hit.

So I did

what any successful comedian

at the pinnacle

of her career would do.

I moved back to my hometown

of St. Louis.

[somber twang]

I never get recognized

in this town.

I'm Nikki Glaser!

- You're gonna get canceled

for this.

- I don't touch [bleep].

I'm touching mulch.

I'm living

with my podcast cohost,

who's also my opening act

and former dog walker.

I'm feeling nothing sexual

for you.

- My penis is in my body.

- I'm able to spend time

with my family.

- How did you ever survive

this terrible childhood?

- I became a comedian.

- [laughs]

- My best friend

from grade school is here.

- Are these expensive to get?

both: Yeah.

- And my ex-boyfriend

just so happened

to recently move back

to St. Louis too.

Did you go on a date here?

- Yeah.

- Why aren't you trying

to set me up, bro?

- 'Cause you're always saying

that you're

kind of in a relationship.

- I just didn't want

to catch feelings.

But I caught them anyway.

If we get back together,

we should just get engaged.

But small town living does not

mean I've stopped hustling.

- Nikki Glaser, in studio.

- I'm back, baby.

- America's favorite

Midwest comic.

It's a niche, but...

- [laughs]

So who knows?

Maybe St. Louis is home now.

[bleep].

- That is the weirdest thing

I've ever...

- What?

- Seen in my life.

- Sorry, Mom,

I have a boyfriend.

Get used to it.

[upbeat music]

- * I wanna miss my flight

* I feel so all alone

out on the road *

* Can you welcome me home?

[upbeat music]

*

Oh, God.

Hi.

- What are you wearing?

- What the hell?

- Nikki, honest to God.

- When did you get that?

- I've had this

for two years now.

- I've had this for,

like, five years now.

Before I moved back

to St. Louis,

I saw my parents

a few times a year.

I would only see my mom

on FaceTime

when my dad would, like, hold

the camera in front of her,

and she'd go, "Oh, God, EJ, get

that away. I look terrible."

- Look how nice this place is.

- Yeah.

I need stuff for my apartment.

Let's go look at housewares.

Being in St. Louis,

I've been able to slow down

and have a lot more me time.

Which means

now I'm seeing my mom a lot.

- You guys need help

finding anything?

- Oh, I think we're good.

Thank you so much.

- Just let me know.

- I'm 37, and it's a lot more

than I think most people

my age see their mom.

Unless they're one

of those people that's like,

"My mom's my best friend,"

but that's not me and my mom.

But it's kind of--

it's turning into that,

and I kind of like it.

They asked, "Do you need

help finding anything?"

What am I gonna say?

"Can you find me

a D.A.R.E. T-shirt from 1998?"

Where do you guys keep those?

- Hi, Allen.

How are ya?

- Hello.

Wait, who's Allen?

- Allen--

- How often do you come here?

How often do you come here,

to be honest?

- Enough that I know

Allen's name.

- Just say--how often?

My mom has impeccable style,

but it's--it's all--

it's all on sale, babe.

It's all a deal.

Guess where I got it?

G-Dubs.

What's that? Goodwill.

I'm not judging.

- Once a week.

- I don't believe you.

So in terms

of decorating my apartment,

Goodwill.

Goodwill, baby.

Remember these in the '90s?

- Yeah.

- [grunts]

I used to use this--

- Does it work?

Does it--can you feel it?

- Honestly, it ain't bad.

- "NSYNC with you."

- I know Justin is not here.

Yep.

It's JC, Joey, and Chris.

Where's Justin?

In some woman's house,

and she's just feverishly

masturbating to it.

That's kind of cute. I like it.

It's only a dollar.

- Okay.

- I love hearts.

- Look at this,

how cute that is.

- That's cute.

- Yeah.

- Vagine.

- I love that

that creative side of you's

coming out finally.

- Right?

Ooh, look at this ghost child.

- That could go above your bed.

Do you have something going

above your bed?

- A Taylor Swift poster.

- I mean, you don't think

it's kind of juvenile

waking up just to see her

big, cute face?

- It's not about her face.

She, like, empowers me.

- So it's kind of like one of

those inspirational writings--

- Yeah, I wake up in

the morning, and she's standing

above my bed

like this onstage like...

Taylor Swift is my best friend.

And I don't know her.

I want to walk into the day

like this.

Like...

[playful music]

Taylor Swift is

the first person I thought of

when I almost got hit

by a bus one time.

I almost died, and I was like,

I would've missed

the release of "Red."

The rerelease of "Red."

That was my first thought.

- Remember this?

- [gasps]

Skip-It!

Yes. Yes.

Yes.

- * Da-da-da-da-da-da

Give me a pogo stick.

- I'm shocked.

Yeah, bitch.

- Wait, I have a tear

in my eye from laughing.

- Sometimes I do an impression

of you to Dad.

We laugh so hard

because I can really nail it.

- Oh, boy.

- [imitating mother] EJ.

Get that out of there.

- [laughs]

- Your junk is all

over the place.

- I mean, we're dealing

with messy people.

- I know.

We're dealing with him.

- And guess what?

- Guess what?

- [sputtering]

- [imitating sputtering]

both:

There's only so much we can do.

[laughter]

[upbeat music]

- Do you wanna go poop?

Answer me.

Luigi, your silence says

a million words.

- Yes.

- Hi.

- Hey.

How are you?

Come on in.

So, Glase,

you are gonna be here.

- Okay.

- We like to be next

to each other usually.

- Yeah, I'd like to touch you.

- [laughs]

- Thank you.

- She's back!

- Look at that.

- Nikki Glaser, in studio.

- I'm back, baby.

You know I'm a huge fan

of the show.

I'm so happy to be here.

- You got us through

the pandemic.

- I know. I used to call in

every Thursday.

- And we had the...

- So happy to do it.

So fun.

- X factor, your ex.

[laughter]

- I would just call in just

'cause I wanted to talk to him.

- Where are you guys right now?

- We are dating.

Nikki and I are dating.

- Yes.

- We're dating each other.

- You are?

- Chris is my ex-boyfriend

who is originally

from St. Louis,

but I met in New York when he

was working on my show on MTV.

He was a producer on the show.

- We're trying to figure out

what the next steps are.

- We first started dating

eight years ago,

took a break,

got back together,

were off and on after that.

Then we decided we just wanted

to be friends.

But we both ended up

in St. Louis during COVID.

We've gotten back together

and broken up so many times.

- Yes, many times.

- But we don't want to say yes

to it until we are, like,

more sure than we've ever been

in the past.

- There's no one size fits all.

Not everything is gonna work.

And Glase and I are figuring

out what might work for us.

- For about, I guess,

two months now,

we've been having some,

like, very Mormon,

like, heavy petting,

uh, you know,

intimacy, but not all the way.

- Thanks for being officially

not official with me.

- I know.

I'm so happy to announce it.

I'm not giving it up yet.

But we're really, like--

- No, we're good.

- We're having a lot of fun.

- We're good. We're having fun.

We're just starting to--

to see if there's

still something going on.

- Yeah.

And it's nice to, like,

not be doing everything

and to leave something

off the table for when we wanna

get to that next level.

Although we are having sex

on tables.

I'm just kidding.

I think we both are really

enjoying living here.

- Yeah, it's great.

- And wanna--

want every reason

to keep us here.

- One big reason, Julie Glaser.

- My mom is incredible.

- Honestly, if we ended up,

like, being like, we--

this isn't gonna work,

I'm not into this,

I would take--

- Date my mom.

- I wou--

[laughter]

- You guys are weird.

[laughter]

- We are.

- When COVID hit

at my parents' place

for a couple weeks

until this whole thing

blew over.

And then it ended up

being ten months.

- Yeah.

- This was the moment I knew

something was really bad

about me living at home.

One day, I was walking my dog

in my parents' neighborhood,

and I saw a girl my age,

you know, like,

37-year-old woman drive up

to this beautiful house,

and I go, oh, my God,

that girl's [bleep] living

at home with her parents too.

I'm not--

like, that's not that weird.

It was her house.

That's when I knew I had to

move out of my parents' house.

[upbeat music]

*

- Keep going, keep going,

keep going.

Uh, that's gonna fall down.

That leg is weird.

Okay. Yeah.

It still should be over

to the right a little bit,

but I guess you get

what you pay for.

- I think it looks pretty good.

- It's great, EJ.

Jesus.

[car horn honks]

Here she comes.

- [chuckling]

- Hola.

- Hey, superstar.

- Hey.

- Check out our house.

Look it.

- Is she cleaning

the gutters finally, Mom?

- No, she can't even

get up there.

- My dad was such a good dad

that he [bleep] me up.

No man has ever loved me

as much as my dad has.

Her hair looks like mine

during COVID.

When a guy loves me a lot,

I go, ew!

You remind me of my dad.

Ugh.

I just--you know,

I wish he would have hugged me

a little less.

One or two thousand times less

per year.

[laughs]

I'm not gonna sit

on this couch

because I have

spray-tanned arms.

- Can I sit by you?

- Yeah.

Um, so my lease

is coming up soon.

I, like,

extend it every six months.

- Oh, yeah?

- I feel like I'm really happy

in St. Louis now.

It's easy to say when the

weather is so freaking nice.

- Yeah.

So is this a six-month lease,

or you just go by six months?

- What--those are

the same question.

- The fact that Nikki is living

in St. Louis again,

there's a bunch of cons.

But there's a bunch

of pros too.

- She loves to buy dinner

for everybody

from vegan restaurants,

which has been great.

But when Nikki comes over,

it's like,

hide the fact that we had bacon

for breakfast.

- Hide the meat.

It's a little game we play.

- We do play that game?

- EJ.

- Sounds like a fun game

to play to me.

- Can I look around

and maybe borrow some things

for my apartment?

- Maybe.

- I mean, there's just a couple

things I would--I could snag...

- I know, but that's--

- To make my apartment

feel more homey.

- Okay.

- Since I graduated college

and have been living on my own,

I have never decorated a space,

because I'm like,

it's always temporary.

Like, I'm always gonna move.

So for me, I'm less likely

to think about moving away

if I'm like, ah, I just

painted that wall though.

- Like what?

- Um, like,

maybe get

my Dave Matthews Band...

- That's, like--

- Thing off the wall.

- Dave Matthews...

- Light switch.

- Leave that here.

It'll be here

for the Nikki Glaser

museum someday.

- Yeah.

Um, well--

- You don't want that,

uh, hornet's nest?

- Um, nah, I'm good.

Are these the three wise men

or something?

- No, they're Chinese.

- What are they?

- Here's your old skull

from "Macbeth."

- Oh, my God.

I had this in "Macbeth."

- Right.

- From your "Macbeth" days.

- Maybe she could have this.

- There's a lot

of interesting pieces

that my mom has collected

over the years

that my sister and I

are gonna have to fight over

who throws it out first.

- Do you have any place

for that stone?

- Look how cool it is.

- I'm gonna inherit a lot

of interesting artifacts

when I put them

in a dope nursing home

that I'm saving up for.

I like it.

Thanks, Mom.

- Wait, put it right,

or it'll fall.

- It gets knocked over,

it's gonna kill someone.

- Yeah, it'll break

if it gets knocked over.

- Do I need to hire a bodyguard

for this thing or, like, what?

- Think you're gonna need one.

- [laughs]

- I could take maybe one

of your dead birds.

- Like--my birds?

- [laughs]

[dog whines]

[midtempo music]

- Get up here.

You can do it.

Oh, that's such a good boy.

- Oh, big boy.

How old is Luigi?

- Well, I got him in 2016,

and he was either, like,

one or six, so...

- [laughs]

- I originally met Andrew

as a dog walker.

He was walking a dog

with wheels for legs.

One day I took a picture of it,

put it on my Instagram,

and then people started

tagging him in it,

being like, "That's Andrew

Collin. He's a comedian."

And from then on, we were just,

like, best friends.

- He doesn't age.

- I got him on, uh,

peptides and DGH,

dog growth hormone.

- [laughs]

[knock on door]

- Mama?

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Paint supplies.

- Thank you.

- I know.

I am mother of the year.

- You really are.

- Can I say that?

- Yes. What year, 1987?

- Since 1982.

- You look so cute.

- Thank you, Nikki.

But I don't wanna be cute.

I want to be--

- Hot?

- Hot.

- Well, you look like you're

having hot flashes, so...

My room is not clean.

Don't judge it.

- Don't you have to, like,

move stuff to, like, paint?

- Yes.

- Ooh, this is where

the magic happens.

- We might as well

move this too.

- Okay.

- For God's sakes, move that.

- We don't wanna know.

- Dear God.

This is all of my secrets.

- Oh, God.

- Wait.

I forget how you wear it.

- Oh, boy.

I wasn't surprised

that she had these things.

It was the amount.

It was shocking.

She definitely has

a really good collection.

- We gotta move

your mattress sometime.

I'm just kidding.

- There's nothing

under there, EJ.

- Let's play a game called

"Sex Toy or Thing You'd Find

in a Nursing Home?"

- Oh, for God's sakes.

- Okay, I'll close my eyes.

- Andrew's just gonna touch it?

- Oh, uh, this is definitely

for your toes.

- It's a bunion cushion.

- This is fun.

Uh, breathing apparatus.

- Nope. It's a pussy pump.

- Oh.

[laughs]

- But it's unused.

- I'm really seeing a lot more

than I thought I was gonna see.

I'm gonna get

that hazmat suit on.

[dog whines]

- Mom, you look so funny.

- Thank you.

- * Everybody get your

mother[bleep] roll on *

- Mom, would you ever use

this color on something?

- Um, no.

- Why not?

- Maybe her garage.

I would like to pretend

that I'd care

if she painted the whole place

pink, 'cause I'm a man,

and it's gotta

be a manly place...

- He doesn't care.

- But I don't give a [bleep].

- He doesn't pay attention

to, like, décor.

He doesn't, like,

care about that stuff.

- If it was up to me,

we'd still have

that old, gray couch

and the TV on the floor--

probably still in the box.

You're very limber.

- You look like

you're break dancing.

- Yeah.

- You look like a "jabberwocky."

Mom, you look like--

like you need a Life Alert.

You truly look like

you've either

dislocated your leg

or you're competing

in "America's Next Best

Dance Crew."

[upbeat music]

* I know where you wanna poop

* I know where you wanna poop

Yes.

Okay, I forgot a bag.

Don't get scared.

- Oh, God.

- This is my technique.

You smother it in mulch.

- No, no, no, no, no.

- Just shut up. Stop it.

You haven't been to the dentist

in ten years.

Don't act like this is gross.

Then I roll it around in it.

- No.

- And then I pick it up.

Now it's--

I don't touch [bleep].

I'm touching mulch.

Come on. Let's go.

- You're gonna get canceled

for this.

[upbeat music]

*

- And then your thumb goes

through that hole.

Is this too tight?

- Usually, I'm asking you that.

- That's not a thing

that happens.

- I would like to imagine

I rented this out,

but there's just no one here.

This is, like, romantic.

- You don't have

to move at all.

Let me just do all the work.

- Wow.

- [laughs]

- Seriously?

Your breathing sounds

laborious.

- No, it's fine.

- Oh!

Oh!

- Ah.

Are you okay?

- Yeah.

- I'm sorry.

- I don't have much padding

on my butt.

- Aw, I'm sorry.

- It's okay.

- I'm sorry.

- Ugh.

- I thought I could get you

around that rink.

And I failed.

- No, it's good.

- Sometimes I'm like, does

everybody have this good a time

with Glase, or is it just me?

- I mean, a lot of people

have a good time with me.

- [laughing]

God.

That's some real recent swiping

going on in here.

- Listen--

- It's all right.

No, I know.

- I'll take the apps

off my phone when we're...

- No, it's fine.

- Together.

- So you're cool with me

going on dates and swiping?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- You know, we're not together,

officially.

- No.

- And until we're official,

I think we should both

explore other things.

- Yeah.

- But I always told you

I would tell you

before I did any dick stuff.

- [snorts]

- That's a good rule.

- That is a good rule.

- But if I'm

sexually satisfied,

the urge ain't there.

- Okay.

- You know that.

- We just have a few things

to sort through.

- Yeah.

- But that's what we're trying

to do here,

is just get better

at communicating,

'cause that's--that's what

trips us up all the time.

- I-I gotta be honest,

I look forward

to being able to say

you're my boyfriend.

In the past, Chris and I

have really struggled

with communication and trust.

And those things

are not worked out yet.

- If we can figure out

these issues,

then we'd be great.

- I know.

For me to actually

commit to him

and try this again seriously,

we need to have those

things ironed out.

Like, just knowing

the other person can handle it

and won't abandon you.

Don't high five me.

- I just did.

You wanna do one of these?

- Teamwork.

- [laughing]

Teamwork.

- I have to compulsively clean

right now,

'cause I have company

coming over,

and we have to make it

look like we live,

you know, responsibly.

- Anybody home?

- Don't bark. You know Kerstin.

Yes, we're in here.

- Hi!

- Hey!

- Hi!

- [gasps]

My little baby. First.

- God, he's gonna

bite your face.

- [growls]

- Kerstin and I met

in fourth grade.

You made me laugh

when you fell on the floor

during class one day,

and you were pretending

to be a hamster,

and you were saying...

[baby voice]

"I'm a wittle hamster."

- [baby voice]

I'm a wittle hamster.

I peed on the carpet.

- Thank you so much

for coming in. I'm so excited.

- Of course.

It's so easy to get here.

- I feel like college.

- Hello.

- Hi, Mom.

- Surprise.

- What?

Is it my birthday?

- No, but it feels like it.

- What did you do?

- These are for your new room.

- I'm uncomfortable

with gifts sometimes,

because you have

to act like you like it,

and I did not like

that talking Macaulay Culkin

when I was, like, nine.

And I had to pretend

I liked it,

and then everyone thought

I had a crush

on Macaulay Culkin,

and I didn't.

I was just being nice

'cause Grandma bought that doll

that talked,

and everyone was like,

ooh, Nikki and Macauley Culkin.

And I was just like, it's not--

I don't like him.

- Oh, it looks pretty good.

- Pink! Oh, my God.

- Pretty good.

- Pretty, pretty, pretty good.

- Pretty, pretty good.

- I also have this.

- Oh, yeah.

How cute is that?

- This essential item.

- These are all Goodwill buys.

- Here, open your present.

- Open the big guy.

* Da, da-da, da-da

- I hope it's just

a picture of Julie.

- * Da-da, da-da

- [gasps]

Yes.

- Oh.

- It's Tay-Tay, I love it.

- Oh, my God, Nikki.

- Yes!

- Oh!

- Multiples.

Yes!

- Oh!

- Oh, I love this one of her.

- Yeah, isn't that cute?

Let's hang 'em.

You know, it's so much fun

having you home.

- Yeah. I don't get the,

like, you know,

soldier's welcome

when I come home anymore.

- That looks good.

- [burps]

- Ew.

- Sorry.

- I used to like really

playing games with you,

Scrabble and stuff, but you

never do that with me anymore.

- I'll do that with you.

I can play more games.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Do-do-do-do. Hold on.

- I feel like your mom just

likes hammering thi--anything.

- My dad did.

That's why I exist.

This is a game

I'm playing right now,

telling you I'm gonna

play a game with you.

And it's gonna

leave you hanging.

- You're good. You're winning.

- The games start now, bitch.

- You're winning.

[laughter]

- You look 15.

- I feel 15...

times two, plus five, plus two.

- You're good at math.

[laughter]

- Next time...

- Nikki Glaser!

- I do not like performing

in St. Louis.

I didn't have sex

till I was 21.

I didn't have consensual sex

till I was 24.

I don't want people

at the grocery store

knowing what my vagina

looks like.

My mom got SWAT-ed.

- But see the cop cars outside?

They're like,

where's Nicole Glaser?

And then they said,

"She's gonna be sold

into sex slavery."

- Sometimes it feels like that.

- It's working.

- I mean, they're out.

Let me know

if a nipple pops out.

I love you.