All language subtitles for The.Skeleton.Twins.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

I don't know.

Maybe we were doomed
from the beginning.

I mean, it's not like Dad
was Mr. Sunshine.

Sometimes I think
all our problems

came directly from him.

But a lot of
the good stuff did, too.

Remember what
he always called us?

The Gruesome Twosome.

He told us to stick together,
no matter what.

God...

what the hell
happened to us?

¶ Oh, Denis,
do be do ¶

¶ I'm in love with you,
Denis, do be do ¶

¶ I'm in love with you,
Denis, do be do ¶

¶ I'm in love with you ¶

¶ Denis, Denis,
oh, with your eyes so blue ¶

¶ Denis, Denis,
I've got a crush on you ¶

¶ Denis, Denis,
I'm so in love with you ¶

¶ Oh, when we walk,
it always feels so nice ¶

¶ And when we talk,
it seems like paradise ¶

¶ Denis, Denis,
I'm so in love with you ¶

¶ You're the king
and I'm in heaven ¶

¶ Every time I look
at you ¶

¶ When you smile,
it's like a dream ¶

¶ And I'm so lucky
'cause I found a boy like you ¶

¶ Denis, Denis,
avec tes yeux si bleux ¶

¶ Denis, Denis,
moi j'ai flashe a nous deux ¶

¶ Denis, Denis,
un grand baiser d'eternite... ¶

¶ Show me that smile again ¶

- ¶ Show me that smile... ¶

¶ Don't waste another minute
on your crying ¶

¶ We're nowhere
near the end... ¶

- - Hello?

Hi, is this Maggie Dean?

Yes.

This is L.A.
Presbyterian Hospital.

You know, I'm on
the National Do Not Call
Registry.

How did you
get this number?

Uh, I'm calling to inform you
that your brother Milo

was admitted this afternoon
after an attempted suicide.

He's okay.

Ms. Dean?

Yes.

- He's okay.
- Good, thank you.

It's a good thing
he was blasting his music.

A neighbor complained
and got the building manager.

Mm.

Here's his note.

See ya later."

Jesus.

When was the last time
you saw each other?

About 10 years.

Hey, Milo.

Hey.

You changed your hair.

Oh, yeah.
It's--

It's been light
for a while, I guess.

Look at you.

Yeah, look at me.

Another tragic
gay cliché.

I don't know
if you still like
apple fritters.

Probably not
as good as Jensen's.

I'm not really hungry.

I'll just
leave them here.

How many days
did they say you
have to be in here?

A day or two.

Do you have anyone--

do you live alone?

Yeah, I live alone.

Well, I'm around
the next couple days,
if you need anything.

Maggie, this was just
some stupid thing I did.

I was drunk and feeling
melodramatic, so...

you didn't
have to come here.

You should go.

Hey.

They told me
you were down here.

I get discharged today.

They just called me a cab.
I thought you were going home.

Why, because
you told me to?

No, because
I asked you to.

So, what, are you
king of the hospital now?

Have you read
"Marley and Me"?

Yeah, sad.

Why is it sad?

You don't
know what happens?

No, that's why
I'm reading it.

Oh, sorry.

- What?
- Nothing.

- What, does
the dog die at the end?
- No, I didn't say that.

The fucking dog
dies at the end.

I didn't-- I'm not
saying anything.

Look how much
I had left.

I'm sorry I ruined it.

Maggie,
I know the dog dies.

Everyone knows
the dog dies.

It's the book
where the dog dies.

Asshole.

I see you're getting
your sense of humor back.

Yeah, they can't
take that away from me.

I was thinking, um...

maybe you'd wanna
come stay with me?

What, back
to New York?

Yeah.

I mean just
for a little bit,
until you feel better.

I have a guest room
and you can meet Lance
finally.

Nyack's really beautiful
this time of year.

So the crack team of
hospital crisis counselors
got to you too, huh?

This was my decision.

Yeah, whatever.
They guilted you
into this.

You're right.
It's probably a bad idea.

Hey, Maggie.

I have an aquarium

full of very beloved,

fat goldfish.

You can get new goldfish
in New York.

Welcome home.

Hey, here he is.

- Lance.
- Yeah, sure am.

- How are ya?
- Great to meet you.
Oh, shit. Sorry, man.

It's okay.
Don't worry about it.

They're healing over,
so it's fine.

I'm so psyched
to finally meet you,
you know?

Yeah, you, too.

Mysterious Milo
in the flesh, right?

Well, actually,
I'm clothed now,

so you'll have
to get to know me
a little bit better

before you see me
in the flesh.

Cool, cool.

Well, hey,
if you need anything,

I'm around, so don't
hesitate to holler.

I'm just--
I'm doing a few chores.

I will, I will, thank you.
Thanks for having me.

Okay,
take it easy, amigo.

Y-you, too, amigo.

Jesus, Maggie.

So, Milo, you hear about
your wild and crazy sister?

Are you--
he doesn't know?

Your wild and crazy sister
has been taking, um...

- Mm.
- Give me a drumroll.

- Come on, drumroll.
- Come on, louder.

Scuba diving lessons.

- Yeah.
- Doesn't that
sound like fun?

Yeah, if you like
scuba diving, yeah.

I do.

She's preparing
for our tropical
Hawaiian honeymoon.

It's gonna
be badass.

Honeymoon?

Better two years
late than never.

It was her idea.
It was your idea.

- Better late than never.
- Yeah.

She's always
getting crazy ideas.

Last month,
it was salsa dancing.

Have you ever heard
of salsa dancing?

It's kind of like
a Spanish-flavored
dancing?

Yeah, yeah,
the-- the-- yeah.

- So now it's scuba diving.
- Yeah.

- You ever been?
- Uh, no, no.

- Dude, you'd love it.
It's awesome.
- Right.

Me and my buddy Craig,
a couple years ago,
we went to Costa Rica.

This was before Maggie
was on the scene--
PM, pre-Maggie--

and the first time
we go out on a dive,

we saw an effing sea turtle,
which is very rare.

- Incredibly rare.
- I think it's pretty normal--
right? Seeing sea turtles?

What?
- When you're diving,
seeing sea turtles?

- I think that's very--
- No, I think you're thinking of
just, like, regular turtles

that you'd see
in a pond or a stream.

I'm talking about
a sea turtle in the wild.

We were swimming so close
to it that you could
practically touch it.

Mm-hmm.

Is it okay
if I tell him?
Can I?

- Nothing really to tell yet.
- You ready for some big news?

We're trying
to get pregnant.

- Really?
- We are trying
to get pregnant.

- Yep.
- And I say "we are," because
it's not sexist that way.

- Right? That's what
you told me.
- Yeah.

I thought you never
wanted to have kids.

Well, I may have said that
in high school or something,

but obviously people
change their minds on that.

No, I-- that's great.

I love kids.

Except the fat ones.

Fuck those
little turds, right?

He's kidding.
He's being a smartass.

- Don't mind him.
- I'm messing with you.

I was like, "Whoa, what's
this guy got against fat kids?"

- No, he's--
- I mean, I was a fat kid.

- Oh, you were?
- I was built like
a damn tank, yeah.

- She's seen the pictures.
- It's pretty cute, though.

I look like a--
just a little pillow
with legs.

- A little marshmallow.
- Yeah.

Hey, here's to you guys.

Thanks.

May your kids
be happy and fat.

Cool, man, thanks.

I mean, it hasn't
happened yet,

but we're definitely
giving it a go.

Well, keep trying, guys.

I can't wait to be
the creepy gay uncle.

- You're hired.
- Okay.

- You got the job.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Settling in?
- Yeah.

No, yeah, it's like
a Martha Stewart wonderland.

So, you met Lance.

Yeah, I met Lance.

Isn't he the best?

Yeah, he's like
a big Labrador retriever.

Yeah, I guess.

He's just the nicest guy
on the planet.

I really lucked out.

Yeah, you're really
going for it.

What does that mean?

You're going for it--
just, like, the job,
the house,

the furniture...
the Lance.

I guess I grew up.

- So, what about you?
- What about me?

Well, last I heard,
you moved to LA
to be an actor?

That was, like,
10 years ago?

- Yeah, did you not hear?
I won an Oscar.
- Oh, very funny.

Yeah, I played a retarded
Ukrainian immigrant

who inspires a bunch
of school kids in Brooklyn

by playing chess.

- Seriously.
- Seriously, acting's kinda hard
when you don't have an agent.

So...

Well, what are you
doing for money?

Let me guess,
male prostitute joke
coming--

What do you
want me to say, Maggie?

I wait tables
at a shitty tourist
restaurant in Hollywood.

It's fucking boring, the end.
What do you want to know?

You know, I'm tired.
I'm gonna go to bed.

All right,
good night.

Shit.

The key to buddy breathing
is not to panic.

Don't freak out
or you'll die.

Don't yank the regulator
away from your partner.

Don't bogart
the thing either.

All right, so,
everybody partner up.

Let's go,
let's do it.

Looking for a date?

- Huh?
- A partner.

Oh.
Oh, yeah, sure.

Okay.

This is a book that we're
selling a lot more of.

Uh, it's just
much more practical.

It's much more
hands-on.

- Does that sound--
- It sounds perfect.

Okay, good.
Yeah, good luck.

Thank you.

Surprise.

Milo.

Back from the dead.

What are you
doing here?

I just rolled into town.
I wanted to say--

No, what are you doing
here at the store?

I am looking for the new
Danielle Steel novel.

You should go.

No-- hey, no, I--
let's go hiking.

Let's go to
Kate's Lazy Meadow
and, you know,

go to the
Harvest Festival and--

Milo, you're out
of your mind.

No, Rich,
I just think--

Don't come here again.

When do the boys
show up?

It's Dyke Night,
sweetie.

- It's what?
- Dyke Night.

Dyke Night?

I showed up
on Dyke Night?

Yeah.

Shit.

- - Jesus.

Hey, Cal's Corner,
fucking Dyke Night.

- What?
- Oh, boy.

Dyke Night.

Milo, can we
talk about this
in the morning?

Sandra and Melissa
were very nice.

They were
two lesbian ladies

who taught me
how to play darts.

But they were not
what I was looking for.

What I was looking for,
and you should know this

since we're
now related, Lance,

I was looking
for some cock.

Okay, Milo, enough.

You're fine 'cause
you're married to my sister.

- You're off-limits.
- "Off-limits."

Just letting you know,
if any of your little
buddies around--

- I will be on them
like steak on rice.
- Milo! Go to bed.

Okay, Milo, good night.

I'm just letting you know.
I'm a little tipsy.

- I'm sorry.
- That's okay.

- No shit.
- Phew.

- Milo, good night.
- Good night.

- Yeah, about last night.
- You can't do stuff like that.

Sorry, I was just trying
to blow off some steam,
that's all.

I just--

So, um, Lance
and I were talking,

and he might
need some help

on this trail project
at the dam.

Just clearing brush
and stuff.

A trail project
at the dam?

Yeah.
It's what he does.

What do you mean,
clearing brush?

- Like picking up sticks?
- Brush-- sticks and leaves

and pieces of bushes
and stuff.

- It might be good for you.
- So, it's like a job?

It might be nice
for you to spend time
with him and stuff.

Be out in nature
with the brush.

Do I get a sexy outfit?

I'll make sure of it.

Here.

- Ahem.
- I should've worn
longer sleeves.

Yeah, no, I mean,
next time, you know?

'Cause then if you
have long sleeves,

you can make more
of a scooping motion.

You might be able to get
more with each grab,
you know?

Yeah, no, I get it.

I'm not really
an outdoorsy kinda guy.

Right.
Well, no worries,
my man.

You know, I got
an extra fleece
in the truck.

- You want me to go--
- No, no, I'm good.

- Thank you.
- You got it?

Oh, you gotta be
fucking kidding me.

You okay? You all right?

Take a breath.
Take a breath.

What happened down there?

Nothing, I'm fine.

- Yeah?
- I'm fine.

All right.

- - Hello?

- Hi.
- What the hell's that?

Happy first day of work.

You didn't
have to do that.

What, you
don't like it?

No, I love it.
It's great.

So, I told somebody
that I was in town,

and I didn't think
she would come,

so don't freak out.

Hi, angel.

Mother.

Oh, dear.

- Whoa.
- Okay, broken glass.
Everybody freeze.

I'm gonna go
get a dustpan.
You okay?

- Yeah.
- I'm gonna go
get a dustpan.

Okay.

- So, that's Tanner?
- No, that's Tad.

- Oh.
- Tanner's the oldest.

They look a lot
like their father.

- Mm-hmm.
- See?

I love Arches.
The Grand Canyon's
gotten so commercial.

Arches has retained
its essence, you know?

It's just such
a very, very spiritual place.

Arches is rad.

I actually
road-tripped it
down there

spring break
sophomore year.

- It's insane.
Unbelievable.
- A toast? A toast?

I want to make a toast.

To my beautiful,
beautiful children,

- and to my lovely
son-in-law.
- Oh.

May the light embrace you
with its energy infinite.

May you dwell in a place
of peace and tolerance.

May you live in warmth
and understanding

for your days eternal.

- Amen.
- Yeah.

- Cheers.
- Now, mm-hmm.

Darling, thank you.

So, when are you gonna
come down and visit us
in Sedona?

Uh, I guess whenever
we're invited.

Oh, my God.
You just have to show up.

Just drop in.
We don't like
to be scheduled.

- Perfect.
- Great, so how's next week?

Next-- that's not gonna
actually be the best week.

Okay, great.
The week after that.
We can go then.

Oh, um...

Okay, well...

Hey, Mom,
how are the alpacas?

We had to get rid of them.
Too much poop.

You know what they say,
everybody poops, right?

When I was a kid,
I didn't think that
girls pooped.

- Seriously.
- I've never taken
a shit before.

Milo.

So what about
your insight retreats, Mom?

What about them?

Do you have one
coming up?

Why do you ask?

Oh, I just want to make sure
I don't schedule

the most important event
of my life on the same day.

Okay, just--

You know it broke my heart
to miss the wedding.

Actually, you know,
I don't know that it did.

- You're here now, right?
- Yes, yes. Thank you.

Did everybody hear
how I've never taken
a shit before?

Why are we talking about
such unpleasant things?

Milo, what's new
with you, darling?

I'm gonna go grab
the Tabasco.

Anybody like anything?

Everything's great.

It's good.

That's terrific.

Everything
is terrific.

Now, breathe out.

- - Yes.

You're cleansed.
Open your eyes.

Oh, my God.
How do you feel?

Good, yeah.
I might be a
little drunk.

You look
completely different.

Oh, my God,
there's just--
there's a--

a purity and a kind of
a glow coming off you.

It's emanating
from your crown chakra.

Lance, would you like
to be cleansed?

I'm okay, thank you.
I took a sauna this morning.

- But I feel good.
- Sweetheart?

Oh, I don't usually
drink and cleanse.

Just, like,
personal policy.

But thank you.

Okay, I guess I should
be heading back.

What, like,
back to Arizona?

Well, it's a terrific
coincidence.

You know, Maggie,
you asked me about
the insight retreat.

Guess where
it is this year?

Woodstock.
Around the corner.

Oh, you've
gotta be kidding.

I mean, it's such a--
this just worked out perfectly.

So that's why you came here?

No, no.

I came here
to see you two.

Oh, just shut up,
Mother.

- Hey, Maggie.
- This is classic.

- Classic bullshit.
- Okay, Maggie.

I have to compliment
you, though. I really do.

But I have to tell you
you're really not that
good of an actress.

Okay.
Well, as pleasant
as this is...

Stop trying, Judy.

Stop trying.

There are worse things
than being a shitty mother.

So...

if you've finished...

vomiting all over me...

I will just say
thank you for dinner,

and, Milo, thank you
for the invitation.

I'm sorry the night
ended up being so toxic.

I just want
you both to know.

Oh, my God.

I'm sending you the light.

Good night, Lance.

Good night, Judy.
I'll walk you out.

Well, at least
she's sending us the light.

- Are those shoes?
- Uh, yeah, kinda.
They're a hybrid.

Hybrid of...

Of, uh, you know,
just shoes and a foot.

The human foot.

You know, some people
use a knife and fork
for those things.

Yeah? Well,
I'm not most people, babe,

and I think that's
why you love me.

'Cause I set myself
aside from the pack.

- Yeah.
- I'll see you
tonight, okay?

I gotta get going.

- Oh, there he is.
- Hey.

- What's up, chief?
- Mm-hmm.

No-- nothing.

Okay, I'll check
you two dudes later.

Wallet, Lance.
Where is it, baby?
Where is it?

Whoo!

Is he ever
not like that?

You know I'm happy
that you're here, right?

Ugh, here it comes.

And you can stay
as long as you need.

- But...
- What do you think?

- I thought she'd be different.
- It doesn't matter.

You had no right bringing
her into this house
without asking me.

Yes, Warden.

Did you really think
she'd be different,

that she actually
gave a shit about us?

- Maybe.
- Please.

She's been done with us
ever since Dad--

I don't even blame him.

Imagine being married to her.
I'd probably jump off
a bridge, too.

Okay.

I don't want this.
Eat it.

Okay.

- So, how you feel?
- I'm good.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I'm a little embarrassed
about the other day.

I was on planet Jupiter
or something.

Don't worry about it.

- I'm a doof.
- Nah, you're one
of my favorites.

Someone told me
to read this once.

Where to, boss?

I need you to tell me
why you're here.

I'm-- I just want
to make conversation.

I just want to see
how you're doing.

- Really?
- Yeah, nothing--
nothing more.

I'm not gonna chop
your balls off just yet.

Okay, 'cause I really
wasn't expecting to see
you anytime soon.

- I'm sure.
- This is weird.

I know.
I know it's weird.

Um...

So, how are-- how--
what are you--

how are you?

I'm good.
Yeah, I'm good.
I have a girlfriend.

Ah.

Um... Melinda.

She's great.
She's an optometrist.

Oh, cool.

Really good for me.
She gets along with
Eric really well.

- Eric?
- My son.

Right, your son.

Are you
living here now?

No, no, I--
temporarily.

I'm just here--
I live in LA.

- LA, that's cool.
- Yeah, yeah.

- How's that?
- Good, good.
It's going really well.

I mean, the key is
just staying busy, you know?

I've just been acting
and auditioning

and I just
got this agent.

- Really?
- Yeah, I have
an agent now.

An agent.
Wow, that's impressive.

Yeah.

What brings you to town
other than scaring the shit
out of me at a bookstore?

Yeah, that was
my sole purpose.

No, I-- I--
there's a writer's retreat.

You know, I'm writing
this one-man show.

Well, it doesn't
surprise me at all.

- Oh.
- You were always
a great writer.

Oh, well, I had a--

I had a good teacher.

- It's a little cove
off the Pawai Bay

on the Kona Coast,
off the Big Island.

My mate Mike
has been there since '05

taking small groups diving,
and I'm telling you--

- Pretty?
- It's stunning.

Sea turtles, manta rays,
blue sharks.

That sounds incredible.

Except for the sharks,
I guess.

They're harmless.

Besides...

you could handle
a little old shark.

- Whoa.
- Hmm.

- You want another?
- Yeah.

No. No.

I think I've
filled my quota.

I should go.

I haven't finished
my drink yet.

Here, I'll take that.

- - Okay, there we go.

That was fun.

We had drinks.
That was nice.

Thank you.

Uh, I will
see you in class.

Shit.

Sweetie?

Yeah?

Are we out of
pizza pockets?

I think so.

Well, can you put them
on the list, please?

Honey?

So, you'll
pick me up after work?

Okay.

- All right, well,
have a good day at work.
- I will.

- Tell Lance I say hi.
- I will.

Okay.
All right.

- Bye, have a good day.
- See ya, bye.

Bye.

What's up?

Do you think
I should have a baby?

I mean, do you think
I would be a good mom?

Um...

I don't--
I don't know.

I mean, I--
I think you'd be
very attentive.

Okay.

And maybe a bit
overprotective.

Uptight.

Gee, thanks.

No, I'm just
being honest,
I'm-- it's--

it's a loaded question.
I'm sorry.

I think I'd be
an excellent mom.

Okay.

How about something
that doesn't make me
feel like a piece of shit?

You know, you're so
goddamn selfish, Milo,
it's mind-blowing.

Maggie.

Oh, that's classic
Maggie, man. Classic.

Yeah, she just
jumped down my throat.

- It was crazy.
- Land mines, man.

It's like sometimes
she and I will be
strolling through the park

laughing,
getting along perfect,

and then, kaboom,
you know?

A freakin' land mine
blows my nuts off.

Mm.

And I'll think,
"Oh, I coulda sworn my nuts
were there a minute ago.

I wonder
where they went."

- No nuts.
- Oh, there--
there they are.

They got blown
clear across the room.

They're sliding
down that wall over there.

My nuts.

And then, you know,
when I think about it,

it was probably my fault
in the first place,

I probably said
something stupid
or insensitive,

so I'll just tell her
that I was sorry,

and then it's fine.

Mm.

Land mines, dude.

- - There she is.

Your chariot awaits.

All right, look,
I'm sorry.

I'm an idiot.

So what else is new?

You'd make
an amazing mother, okay?

I thought
I was too uptight?

I just said that
so I didn't have to talk
about the real issue,

which is
your morbid obesity.

I'm surprised you
can even leave the house.

When was the last time
you had your teeth cleaned?

- No. No, no, no, no, no.
- Come on.

- No.
- Hey, I am a licensed
dental hygienist.

Don't you want
to see me work?

No.

There are so many planets,
yet so little time.

All right, okay,
I'm gonna take this.

- Wait, what
are you doing?
- Milo, that's enough.

- Wait, wait, wait.
I'm not done yet.
- Come on, seriously, let go.

- Let go.
- Ow.

- I'm not done.
- Stop.

- Okay, okay, you ready?
- - Okay, uh-huh.

'Cause this is
serious stuff here.

- Mm-hmm.

A few more seconds.

Ah!

Give that to me!
Give that to me.

- Spit.
- Hmm?

- Spit in there.
- Mm.

- Sorry, I think
this is broken.

Oh, my--
Milo, stop.

- That thing-- you gotta
have that thing fixed.
- My God.

You know what?
You need to take
the edge off.

Yeah, right. No.

Everybody's doing it.

- If you don't do it, no one
will ever talk to you.
- I'm not doing it.

- Ross is doing it,
Tina's doing it.
- Mm-hmm.

Emily's doing it,
Casey's doing it,

- Shannon is doing it.
- Shannon cannot be doing it.

- Eric T. and Eric S.
- Eric T. and Eric S., too?

Eric S. and Eric T.
are both doing it.

I'm not doing it.

I have a very serious
question for you.

Mm-hmm?

Will you go
to prom with me?

Ah!

Uh-oh, I think
you're gassy.

Pfft.

Pfft.

Pfft.

It's okay,
this won't hurt.
Ready?

Ow.

- That hurt?
- Your elbow went
into my arm muscle.

"Your elbow went into
my arm muscle, mister."

"Your elbow went into
my arm muscle, mister.

Oh, my paper route's
gonna be screwed."

I'm getting out of here.

Pfft, pfft,
pfft, pfft, pfft.

Pfft.

That was a good joke.

Thanks.

- I have to tell you
something, Maggie.
- What?

Last month
in LA, um...

What? What?

I ate pussy.

What?

- What?
- I know, I'm not
proud of it.

Why? How?
Why? Who?

I-- she looked like
a young Debbie Harry.

I was drunk and curious.
I just couldn't resist.

Oh, my gosh.

Well, what--
how-- verdict?

Uh, I was a little
out to sea.

I'll tell you that.

Out in a wet,
stormy,

- pungent sea.
- Ew.

All right,
now your turn.

My turn?

I told you a secret.
You have to tell me
a secret.

I don't have
any secrets.

Maggie.

Maggie Dean.

I'm on birth control.

Really?

- Yeah.
- Oh.

I hide it in the basket
in the bathroom.

I figure Lance
won't be looking

for butterfly decorative
soaps anytime soon.

So...

it's terrible.

Wouldn't it be easier
just to tell Lance

you're not ready
to have a kid?

Yeah.

It would be
a lot easier.

But there's a little more
to it than that.

What?

- It's really bad.
- What?

I slept with
my scuba instructor.

Maggie.

I know, it sounds
like a porno.

Just once?

- With him?
- "With him"?

Yeah. I took
a French cooking class
like six months ago.

Maggie!

And a nature photography
course-- I met this guy.

It's a fetish
is what it sounds like.

If Lance finds out,
it will destroy him

and I will not be able
to live with myself.

Please say something.

I guess Lance just
doesn't do it for you.

But why?
He's so great.

He's so sweet
and cute and nice

and he would make
such a great dad,

and he is the polar opposite
of all the assholes
that I'm used to dating.

He doesn't deserve
a fucking whore as a wife.

- You're not a whore,
so don't say that, please.
- Oh, really?

What would
you call it, then?

You're a restless housewife
with whore-like tendencies.

Shut up.

It doesn't help.

Do you love him?

Yeah, I do.

He's-- he's good.

Maybe good
isn't your thing.

Maybe.

What am I gonna do?

You're gonna do
a bunch of nitrous
with your gay brother?

You wanna talk about
this more downstairs?

Sure.

- Oh, this hurts my back.
- Me, too, my spine.

Why did I say,
"Let's talk downstairs"?

I don't know.

Wait, what time is it?

I don't know.

Shit.

What?

Come on, we gotta go.

- Why?
- I have a meeting.

You have a meeting?
With who?

With, um, Kevin Clancy
from high school.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Cool.
Can I come?

Uh, no.

I think he wanted to make it
kind of like a one-on-one
kind of meeting.

- Oh.
- Is that weird?
I'm sorry.

- No, no, it's fine.
- Is that cool?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- All right, we gotta go,
though.

We gotta go.

¶ Oh, Denis, do be do... ¶

Oh, my God,
you're killing me.

No, listen, it's like,
"Melvin, dude, please,

just write me a story
about a whale,

a guy who catches a whale.

Why does it have
to be 800 pages

of the history
of whaling

and all this existential
crisis bullshit?"

Like, who gives a shit
when the writing is that weird

and funny and rich
and alive

and did I mention
weird?

You know
what I mean, though?

And pretentious--
and pretentious.

There's a great
"Moby-Dick" illustrated

that I think you'd love.

There's a pop-up whale
at the end.

Fuck you.

Didn't I give you a whale?

I feel like I gave you,
like, a copper figurine

for your birthday
that I got at that--

Wow.
You carry that with you?

I don't know.
It's, like, a little
good luck charm or something.

Well, it's working.

Is it?
I don't know if it is.

Yeah.
Yeah, Mr. Fancy LA Agent.

I wish I kept
that whale for myself.

It's not that big of a deal.
He's not that big of an agent.

I think it's incredible.

I always knew you'd
do something amazing
with your life.

I'm proud of you, Milo.

Do you wanna
get out of here?

Those lobster cages
can knock you right off.

What?

Well, actually, they're
called lobster pots,

but they can
knock these guys
right off the deck.

They're real dangerous.

Oh.

I think those are crabs.

- Where?
- E-everywhere.

Oh, yeah,
maybe they are.

No, they are.

So, how's Milo
working out?

Good. He's definitely
doing his best,

but he's been--
he's trying.

Good.

Mm.

I love you.

I love you, too.

I really love you.

Thank you.

God, I can't believe
he's 16.

It's strange, man.
Having a kid that old.

He just got his license.

I'm like, "Really?

I'm old enough to have
a kid who can drive?"

My God.

Does he know about
me and you?

No, no, God, no.

He knows I used to teach

and, uh, sometimes he asks
why I stopped, you know,
but...

What do you tell him?

That it wasn't my thing.

I'm sorry, Rich.

No, Milo, you don't
ever have to apologize.

You didn't
do anything wrong.

You understand me?

Okay.

Look, I know--
I know what happened

was weird and illegal
and shit,

but it really meant
something to me.

And we're adults.

Well, I'm--
I'm an adult.

God, I feel like
a freshman asking
a senior to the dance.

That's part of the problem.

There's--
there's a...

freshman/senior dynamic
between us.

There doesn't have to be.

Milo, get up.

Lance is leaving
in 10 minutes.

Milo?

Milo, is that your phone?

Oh, shit,
what time is it?

It's after 9:00.

Fuck,
I'm late for work.

You and me both.

Um, ahem.

So, here.

"Sunrise in Manhattan."

It's a romantic comedy.

About what,
Balzac and Foucault?

No, it's actually
pretty straightforward.

like, Jennifer Aniston
or Kate Hudson.

And I don't want
to be presumptuous,

but I thought, you know,
if you wanted to read it

and maybe if you liked it,
you could pass it along
to your agent?

Yeah, okay.

- Yeah, totally.
Yeah, I could totally...
- Cool.

pass it on if--
I'll read it.

- Cool.
- Yeah.

I kind of--
I need you to leave.

Okay.
Yeah, sure.

- Last night was fun.
- Yeah.

Kind of a blast
from the past.

Yeah, um, make sure
the door locks
when you close it.

Greetings,
Ms. Dean.

What brings you
around these parts?

It was a mistake.

All right.

I mean it,
the whole thing.

Fine.

Is that all?

Yeah.
Yeah, that's all.

What are you doing?

No, Billy,
I'm serious.

No.

Bull-- bullshit!

Bullshit! Bullshit!

Bullshit.

Bullshit.

Bull... shit.

Hello.

Where were you
this morning?

Uh, well,
Kevin had a friend,

and last night,
I got lucky.

Well, you missed work,
so, not cool.

I was a little late.
Lance understood.

You have to get your shit
together, Milo.

That is a very interesting
statement coming from you.

- You know what?
- What?

Wow.

What are you doing?

Milo.

¶ Looking in your eyes
I see a paradise ¶

¶ This world that I found
is too good to be true ¶

¶ Standing here beside you,
want so much to give you ¶

¶ This love in my heart
that I'm feeling for you ¶

¶ Let 'em say we're crazy ¶

¶ I don't care about that ¶

¶ Put your hand
in my hand, baby ¶

¶ Don't ever look back ¶

¶ Let the world around us
just fall apart ¶

¶ Baby, we can make it
if we're heart to heart ¶

¶ And we can build
this dream together ¶

¶ Standing strong forever ¶

¶ Nothing's
gonna stop us now ¶

¶ And if this world
runs out of lovers ¶

¶ We'll still
have each other ¶

¶ Nothing's gonna stop us ¶

¶ Nothing's gonna
stop us now ¶

¶ Oh-oh... ¶

Okay, I got it.

¶ I'm so glad I found you ¶

¶ I'm not gonna lose you ¶

¶ Whatever it takes,
I will stay here with you ¶

¶ Take it to the good times,
see it through the bad times ¶

¶ Whatever it takes
is what I'm gonna do ¶

¶ Let 'em say
we're crazy ¶

¶ What do they know? ¶

¶ Put your arms around me,
baby, don't ever let go ¶

¶ Let the world around us
just fall apart ¶

¶ Baby, we can make it
if we're heart to heart ¶

¶ And we can build
this dream together ¶

¶ Standing strong forever ¶

¶ Nothing's
gonna stop us now ¶

¶ And if this world
runs out of lovers ¶

¶ We'll still
have each other ¶

¶ Nothing's gonna stop us,
nothing's gonna stop us ¶

¶ Ooh, all that
I need is you ¶

¶ All that I ever need ¶

¶ All that I want to do ¶

¶ Is hold you forever ¶

¶ Ever and ever ¶

¶ And we can build
this dream together ¶

¶ Standing strong
forever... ¶

¶ ... gonna
stop us now... ¶

Hi.

Uh, is your dad home?

Yeah, hold on.

Dad, some guy's
at the door for you.

I'm sorry,
I thought you had him--

What are you doing?
You can't be here.

That's my kid in there.

Okay, I thought
you only had him
on the weekends.

I have a life, Milo.
A whole life.

Give me a shot
of Cuervo, please.

Can I have
another one, please?

Hey.

What are you
doing up here?

I'm waiting for you,
Mr. Big Officer Man.

The fuck you say?

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

No problem.
Take care, now.

Thanks.

Maggie, don't freak out.

What is going on?

You wouldn't understand.

Try me.
You might be surprised.

I get depressed
about my life

and I do stupid things.
That's it.

We all get sad
about our lives, Milo.

That doesn't mean we go
jumping off of rooftops.

I wasn't gonna jump.

Okay, well,
how do I know that?

Okay, I'm sorry.

I can't
take this, Milo.

I can't right now.
I can't.

Hey, I'm sorry.

Do you remember
Justin Meyer in eighth grade?

Jock, asshole, he used to
fuck with me all the time?

Dad, he told me--
he said, "Guys like Justin--

like, high school is the best
it's ever gonna get for them.

They're gonna peak
in high school,

and the rest of their life
is just gonna be...

a disappointment."

And that kids like me--

that I would soar
after high school.

And, in fact,
I would sit there,

I would fast-forward
10 years into the future

and I would think about
our high school reunion

and seeing Justin,
and he would just be

this fat, balding guy

who, you know,
is the assistant manager
at some sporting goods store,

and-- and I would be

this famous actor

who lives in LA or New York

and I have this
beautiful boyfriend.

And I'm happy.

Do you know I looked
Justin up online?

And do you know
what he's doing now?

He's an electrician,

and he has
two beautiful daughters

and a pretty wife.

And he's happy.

And it turns out that--

it just turns out that
I'm the one that peaked
in high school.

You know, if that's not
depressing, then...

So, that's it, sweetie?

You're not
a famous actor?

'Cause I got news for you.
No one's a famous actor.

George Clooney's
a famous actor.

Okay, George Clooney,
I guess that's one exception.

But the rest of us
are just walking around

trying not
to be disappointed

with the way
that our lives
turned out.

And either we find
a way to deal or...

I need to know

you're not gonna
check out on me.

I'll do my best.

What?

Ugh.

Ugh.

What are you doing?

It's gotta be
in here somewhere.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

Oh, here it is!
I found it!

Oh, my God.
You still have that thing?

- We're going out.
- What?

It is Halloween,
Lance is at fantasy football,

I say you put on something
pretty and/or freaky.

Preferably both.

Yeah.

I can do this
better myself.

- No, I wanna do it.
- Mm-hmm.

¶ Secret... ¶

Okay.

Tell me if you
don't like it.

I will tell you immediately
if I don't like it.

Ah!

Is that
a good scream?

That was a great scream.
I love it.

Oh, my God.
I can't believe
it still fits.

- I know.
- Look at me.

You have better legs
than I do, by the way.

Oh, I have a body
like a frog.

- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.

What does that mean?

Just a big belly
and long arms and long legs.

Just like--

¶ I've got a secret
and I can't explain ¶

¶ All the time
I've waited for this day ¶

¶ All along,
I was never in doubt... ¶

- Oh, Michelle Waller.
Uh-huh?

Pregnant again,
baby number three.

- Baby number three?
- Yeah.

- Shit, I didn't even
know she was married.
- Yeah.

We haven't done the
cemetery walk since Dad died.

I know.

Oh, my God,
watch your step.

- - God, it has not changed a bit.

I had my first
wine cooler here.

- With who?
- Jenny Cokeland.

That makes sense.

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Dad loved Halloween.

Who can blame him?

- Scram.
- - Rawr.

- Get outta here.
- Rawr.

What, are you deaf?

I'm not deaf.
It's Halloween, assholes.

- Fucking people.

Oh, my God.

Wait, what was the name
of the-- the--

adolescent psychiatrist
that they assigned us?

- What was her name?
- Oh, um, shit.

- Mary?
- Uh, Mamie Mortimer.

- Mamie Mortimer.
- Mamie Mortimer
and her fucking journals.

Giant sweaters.

What was
with those sweaters?

Huge!
She's not a big woman.

Every day was Christmas
for Mamie Mortimer.

Oh, my God.
"Did you write that
in your journal?"

"There's nothing that can't
be solved by journaling."

"Oh, your dad died?
Put it in a journal.

You forgot about it,
didn't ya?"

She had
a tough gig, though.

I mean, we were not--
we were not good kids.

I mean, what do you do
to two kids whose dad--

You make them
keep a journal.

God, we were ungrateful
bastards, though. Right?

Speak for yourself.

I was an angel.
I don't know what
you're talking about.

Maggie.

- "Maggie."
- Maggie.

Let me-- oh, wait.
Let me see it.

What?

I want to see it.

Oh, what is that,
a new place?

No, it's always
been here.

Oh, there she is,
dancing away.

Of course she is.

Did you think
I got rid of it?

I don't know.
You're a tricky
bird, Magpie.

¶ 'Cause I've never seen
anything like this before... ¶

How'd we go 10 years
without talking?

Oh, it's probably not
worth talking about now.

Probably not.

¶ And he says
he cannot help me ¶

¶ 'Cause he doesn't
have a clue ¶

¶ I think that you must be
from outer space... ¶

Let me take my hat off.

- Come on.
- Be polite.

¶ ...on the stars ¶

¶ I think you must be
extraterrestrial ¶

¶ 'Cause you can open up
the heavens for me ¶

¶ With just one smile ¶

¶ Just one smile ¶

¶ Just one smile ¶

¶ What is that sound
coming out of your mouth? ¶

¶ 'Cause I've never heard
anything like that before... ¶

Magpie.

Oh, peeing in a dress
at a urinal

is actually
not that hard.

I'm gonna go.

Do you want
another round?

I'm gonna go.

Hey, hey.

Wait up, Maggie.

Hey, what's going on?

Kevin Clancy?

Kevin Clancy moved
to Miami six years ago.

He was in town
for the weekend.

What?
What is this?

I saw your cell phone.

Uh, you have a missed call
from Rich Levitt.

Are you sleeping
with him?

Some of us have our secrets
and some of us have
our reasons, Maggie.

Wow.

So, what, you're still
attracted to child molesters?

Is that it?

He's not
a child molester.

You were 15 and he
was your English teacher.

You didn't see
the way he treated me.

- He wanted to fuck you.
- Who are you to judge, okay?

You've had boyfriends
since you were in the
fifth grade, okay?

I was 15. I had never
been kissed before.

- So what if he was
my teacher?
- So what?

He made me feel good!
He made me feel good
about myself!

You know what?
You wanna go hang out
with Rich Levitt, go ahead.

I am not gonna
stop you.

But when all that
shit went down,

I know, looking back,
I was right.

And I can't feel guilty
about it anymore.

And it could've
been a lot worse.

He could've gone
to fucking jail, Milo.

Do you realize that?

He is lucky that we
dealt with this quietly.

And I know you blame me,
and I know you think

I ruined this
blossoming relationship
between you and him.

I know you think
I ruined his life,
that I ruined your life,

but I did
what I had to do.

Look, it had nothing
to do with you.

That is bullshit.

You're my brother.

And we're supposed to
be there for each other.

And if you don't
get that by now,

then, I don't know,
I guess I'll talk to you
in another 10 years.

- Maggie, wait.
- This sucks.

I was having such
a good night with you.

Sunday,
Monday, Tuesday...

Sunday, Monday...

oh, shit.

- Morning, chief.
- Morning.

Well, looks like your sis
is down for the count.

I think she's got, like,
food poisoning or something.

Right, or something.

Maybe we should have
a dude's day.

- A what?
- You know, dude's day.

I think your version
of dude's day

and my version of dude's day
are totally different.

¶ I said,
"Hey, the time has come ¶

¶ To throw the work away
and have some fun"... ¶

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit!

Come on, man.
You almost had it that time.

Lance, this harness has my balls
in my fucking throat.

Can I please come down?

It's all part
of the experience,
buddy boy.

The only good thing
about this experience

is that every guy in here's
gorgeous.

Yeah, it's great here, man.

You're surrounded by
a bunch of hunks.
It's beautiful.

Come on,
you gotta use the pain.

Get inspired by it.

What are you, some sort of,
like, climbing Nazi?

I just believe in you,
that's all.

Come on, I saw you out there
working at the park.

You got it in you, dude.
I believe in you.

You're such a piece
of shit, Lance.

Yeah, awesome.
Awesome.

Just keep doing it
just like that, man.

That's what I'm talking about!
Boo-ya, dude!

- To dude's day.
- To dude's day.

I gotta tell you,
you were channeling

my middle school
PE teacher out there.

Yeah, you were
into it, huh?

- Mm-hmm. Yeah, it was very--
you're very motivating.
- Thank you.

You're gonna be
a good dad someday.
That was good.

Thanks, man.

It's funny
'cause all my buddies,

they're scared shitless about
the whole fatherhood thing,

and, yeah, I just know
that I'm ready for it.

That's why
the whole pregnancy thing

has been frustrating,
you know?

Just wanna make sure
I'm not firing blanks,
you know?

Right.

Guess I'm just
a little paranoid.

Have-- have you noticed
her acting a little strange
at all lately?

Like, uh--
I mean, uh--

uh, I don't know
what I mean.

I know
what you mean, yeah.

It'll all happen in Hawaii.
That's how I feel.

Just in between
the trade winds
and the palm trees

and the people and,
you know, exotic spices.

Yeah.

Maybe we'll
do it in a hammock.

Meh.

Hawaii's definitely
baby-making country.

Heh.

You know, Maggie
can be very...

s-secretive.

she would hide cigarettes
and things like that
around the house.

You know, places you
wouldn't think to look.

Maybe there's
some medication or something
that's affecting things.

Just a thought.

Yeah, I don't think
Maggie'd hide something
like that from me.

I'm sure
you're right.

Yeah?

Hey, miss, do you
need help with anything?

Yeah, you know what?

I'm-- I-- I--
I just, um--

I'm a little late.

But not seriously late,
just a little.

But I'm-- you know what?
I don't need this.

I'm fine, thanks.

Thank you
for putting that back.

Thanks.

What else did I need?

...puked all over
the field.

Maggie Dean?

It's Carlie Van der Hoff.

Garfield High?

- Yeah, hi.
- Yeah, my God,
how are you?

- I'm fine.
- Oh, this is Cullen.

- Say hi, Cullen.
- Hi.

He's the oldest
of my rug rats.

Yeah,
but look at you.

Are you
visiting family?

No, no,
I live here.

- Really?
- Yeah.

That's so weird
that we've never run
into each other.

- Yeah.
- I'm at the school
employees credit union.

- Mom.
- Cullen, hush.

If you're bored,
go wait in the car.

- Oh, I'm gonna be leaving.
- Beat it.

- Kiss my ass!
- Hey, you watch it, mister!

Back at ya!

Ugh, gosh,
what a little shit.

Can you believe kids today?
The attitudes.

Do you have kids?

No.

Ah, well, you're lucky
because they are little shits.

So, how are you?
How's Milo?

Tell me everything.

Um, I'm--
I'm all right.

- You got married?
- I did.

Of course, you always
had so many boyfriends.

Oh, boy.

Are-- are you okay?

Carlie, can you, um--
can you give me one second?

- Yeah.
- Be right back.

Thank you, thank you.

Oh, thank...

It's over.

No, for real.

Hi.

Honey, what's
going on here?

Um...

those are old.

Okay, well,
the prescription says

that they're
from last month, so...

Honey,
I'm sorry that...

Ahem.

Listen, um...

If you don't want to
have kids right now,

we can talk
about that, okay?

You don't need
to lie to me.

I...

Sweetie, you're freaking
me out right now.

I'm a sick person,
Lance.

What do you mean?

I've been with other men
since we've been married.

Three.

Three other men.

I wasn't in love
with any of them.

I know that
doesn't matter.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

Lance?

Look, he was confused.
I felt terrible for him.

- Hey!
- You had no right!

Things were gonna
crash down eventually.

No, you were just
trying to get back at me.

I was trying
to help you.

You just
ruined my marriage.

- What marriage?
- Fuck you.

Look, you're miserable,
and if you're too chickenshit
to do anything about it,

- then I will.
- Oh, so, you know
what's best for me?

Yes, you're my sister.
We're supposed to help
each other out.

- You said that.
- This is different!

- How?
- We are adults.
This is my marriage.

If you think that's
a marriage, then you're
fucking nuts, okay?

I'm sorry.
Enjoy your marital bliss.

Okay, yeah, go.
Leave anyway.

This is not
working out.

You know what
the sad thing is?

Is that we're a good team.

Oh, yeah, and you'd be
a real hoot to have around

if you weren't
such a fuckup.

We're both fuckups, okay?

And I'm tired
of you acting like
you're the healthy one

and I'm your
special needs kid.

Oh, what does it even
matter anymore, Milo?

You got your revenge.
You got it.

I was trying to
lay it out on the table.
That's what I was trying to do.

- You wanna lay it
out on the table?
- Yes!

Okay, then, go for it.

- You're emotionally unstable.
- You're a prick.

You need
professional help.

Oh, and this coming
from a guy who just
tried to kill himself.

Maybe I should try
fucking all my problems away.

Well, maybe next time
you should cut deeper.

Oh, no.

No, no,
no, no, no, no.

Shit.

Fuck.

Come on.
Fuck.

Come on, come on,
come on.

There we go.
There we go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There you go.

Come on!

Come on!

Hey, I know I'm not supposed
to come over here or anything,

but I want to talk to you,
and I think you owe me that.

You owe me.
That's what I think.

Listen, I'm sure your sister
didn't mean what she said.

So, how do you
make this work?

Like, how do you juggle
a girlfriend and a son
with guys like me?

Well, there aren't
a lot of guys like you.

Gee, thanks,
Teach.

No, not-- I mean,
it's not a pattern.

Are you gay?

I...

I can make it work
with Melinda,

and I really want to.

Well, good luck
with that.

Don't-- can you--
what are you fucking
doing, man?

That's not why
I came over here.

- Milo...
- What am I, some sort
of forbidden fruit?

what am I, like,
a blow-up doll?
What am I to you?

I treated you terribly.
I know that.

But...

it's not because
I don't care or because...

I don't respect you...

...or because I don't
love you.

It's because
I'm a big pussy.

That's it.

I'm just a huge,
pathetic pussy.

I could never be you.

You can crash on the couch,
if you want.

Oh, um...

did you, by chance,
read my script?

Yeah.

And?

It's great.

I'll definitely
give it to my agent.

...once again, this is the 528

leaving Nyack
for Port Authority
Bus Terminal.

I would do anything
to take back what I said.

For what it's worth,
I'm sorry.

I love you.

I screwed it up.

I do that a lot,
I guess.

It's kind of my thing.

But I get it.

Dad just...

saw a way out.

I guess you did, too.

I'm not scared
anymore.

I finally get it.

See you later.

Breathe, breathe,
breathe. You're okay.

- Are you okay?

Shh, shh, shh, shh.
You're okay.

All right, say something.
Just say something.

- I'm okay.
- You're okay.

You're okay, Jesus.
You're okay.

Breathe, you're okay.

You're here.

I'm here.

You're here.

¶ When I was
a younger boy ¶

¶ I fell in love
with a toy ¶

¶ She gave me
all her love ¶

¶ She gave me so much ¶

¶ Now I can't go on ¶

¶ Now I can't go on ¶

¶ But I feel inside ¶

¶ All the love was right ¶

¶ Now I can go on ¶

¶ When I was the older man ¶

¶ I fell in love
with a friend ¶

¶ She gave me
all her love ¶

¶ She gave me
the simple touch ¶

¶ Now I can't go on ¶

¶ When we get upset,
no, I don't know why ¶

¶ I'm begging you ¶

¶ Oh, don't fight,
don't fight ¶

¶ Give me one more chance
to make it up to you ¶

¶ I wanna make it up ¶

¶ Don't fight,
don't fight ¶

¶ Give me the chance, baby,
to make it up to you ¶

¶ Give me the chance
like we used to ¶

¶ But don't fight ¶

¶ When I was
a younger boy ¶

¶ I used to find
a girlfriend of mine ¶

¶ She gave me
all her love ¶

¶ She gave me
in the night ¶

¶ But I can't go on ¶

¶ And I don't want ¶

¶ To live without her ¶

¶ When I was
the older guy ¶

¶ I fell in love
with my teacher ¶

¶ She gave me everything ¶

¶ She gave me duet dreams ¶

¶ But I can't go on ¶

¶ And I won't fight
and I won't give in ¶

¶ But I don't try ¶

¶ Whoa, don't fight. ¶