Original subtitles

- Previously on "Southern Charm"...

- Whoo-hoo! That's cold.

- As the guys weekend got off to a chilly start,

things were even icier at Taylor's.

- We're just broken.

I don't know how much of our friendship

is there to salvage.

- Thank you. - Of course.

- And when Olivia sought refuge at Shep's,

she was confronted with the case of the missing bra.

- I, while we were watching the movie,

took my bra off and tossed it.

And when I left, hugged him bye,

and he was like, oh, your bra.

I was like, ugh, just throw it away.

Nothing happened.

- * Ba-ba doo *

- But just when things

couldn't get more awkward, they did.

- Hello?

- Hi, buddy.

Hi.

Yeah.

- Do you like poking the bear?

- Do you like cheating on me?

- I mean, sometimes, it was fun.

- Yeah, you ----ing did, you piece of sh--.

- He enjoyed cheating. - That's Shep.

- Why are you so angry?

- Because I'm the exact person

that you ----ing wish you were.

- * It's easy *

- This kissing bandit last night.

- * As making you think that you love me *

Mm-hmm.

[upbeat jazzy music]

* *

- I like waking up early here,

because you can hear birds outside.

- It's nice, isn't it?

- Yeah, I feels like New York City doesn't have any birds.

- Yeah, pigeons. - We just have pigeons.

- Do they talk?

[birds chirping]

- I don't know.

- Penny, go unpack your stuff.

Put it away.

Okay.

Ballin'. [laughs]

- Whoo.

What did drunk Austen order last night?

* *

[smooth jazzy music]

* *

- I wore this shirt for you. [laughs]

- I'm burning that shirt.

- Good.

- As soon as you go out of town...

- Yeah.

- You will not find it when you come back.

- Just like you threw away my comic book collection.

- No, it's upstairs in the storage thing.

- I can't find it.

- I will show it to you. - You did something with it.

- I promise you, they are all up there in big plastic tubs.

- Avon calling.

[laughter]

- Hey, there. - Hey.

- How are you, honey? - Good. Good to see you.

What's up, buddy?

- Hey, man.

- Looking good, looking sharp.

[laughter]

- Do you want a drink?

- Yeah, sure. I'm in no rush.

- Randy's off today.

- Oh, yeah.

- So I'll get us some martinis.

- Okay.

- [sighs]

- You look fantastic. - Thank you, darling.

- As usual.

- Oh, God.

- Green. - Yeah.

- Becomes you. - Thank you.

- Yeah.

[clattering]

- Oh, sh--.

[banging]

Jesus Christ.

Sh--.

[laughter]

- Here are the martinis.

- All right. - Take that, please.

- Thank you.

There's too much vermouth.

- [clears throat]

- Whitney is not--

he doesn't know how to make cocktails.

He has other charms,

but making drinks is not one of them.

- Hey, how was-- tell me about Linville.

- I woke up next to Taylor.

- Good Lord. - I know.

- With Taylor? - Yeah.

- You can't be leading her on. Leave her in peace.

- I'm not. We just kissed.

That's all we did.

And so there's that.

Well, Taylor, I think she wanted it little more,

but we've been very good about not backsliding.

And I really don't want that to happen again.

- You know, there are a zillion attractive

young people in Charleston.

Why this group has to all sleep with each other is beyond me.

It's, like, very incestuous.

I mean, I don't get it.

Anyway, you know I do the guys dinner every year.

- Dinner is served.

- These are male chauvinist pigs.

No, no, no.

- Did you just eat the pig?

- Thank you very much.

- I keep thinking every year that you all

will get over your Peter Pan syndrome,

but somehow, it keeps on in perpetuity.

- C'est très bien. - Escargot.

- You just grab? - See, look, you use clamps.

- Yeah, I see that, Whitney.

[laughs]

- So I'm thinking maybe we should try to elevate it.

- Good luck with this crowd.

- So I'm going to get a chef

who can cook menus from royal castles.

For example, I have--

- Wait, British royalty? - Yeah.

- Isn't British food, like, famously bad, essentially?

- [laughs] No, but this is what they serve the royals.

- Okay.

- I hate to drop names.

- That's okay.

- But when I was dining at Buckingham Palace,

you come in and sit down, and this is at your place.

And it's the Prince of Wales feathers, you see?

But turn over, and there's a full menu handwritten.

- Yeah, that's amazing.

- I thought the aspect of royalty

will make them feel like British aristocrats

and might inspire them to behave themselves.

[laughs]

So this is--see if you can figure out what it is.

- 9th of April, 2005.

Prince of Wales and the Duchess of Cornwall.

- It's a piece of their wedding cake.

- Prince William? - Prince Charles.

- Oh.

- Prince Charles and Camilla sent me

a piece of their wedding cake, and it's been in the freezer

since 2005.

- Let's have it.

- No.

[laughter]

* *

- I love when you're in town, baby.

- I love when I'm in town too. Look at this weather.

- I know, right?

I can't believe you have to go back to the airport tomorrow.

- I know, it was 40 degrees and raining in New York.

Oh, this looks so cute.

- Shall we? - We shall.

Come on, little chicken.

Hello.

- You wanna sit outside, babe?

- That would be amazing, yeah. - Okay.

This is beautiful. Thank you. - Thank you.

- The bugs are biting my head.

- Can you blame them, though?

Everybody wants a little piece of that.

- Aw. - [laughs]

- That was really nice.

- Hello. - Hello.

- Hey, how are you? - Good.

How are we doing this evening? both: Good.

- Do you have any questions on the drink menu?

- No, I think we'll have a bottle

of your sancerre, please.

- That sounds good.

- And then I'll have a golden ale.

We'll probably go through multiple beverages.

Thank you.

- You got me a whole bottle?

- No, I'm gonna have a glass, too.

- I was gonna say, we date.

You don't have to do this.

I'm gonna take my jacket off... - Okay.

- And wear it like the cool girls wear it.

- Well, you taught the cool girls how to do it.

- Yeah. - There you are.

The other drinks will be out for you in a little bit.

- Oh, thank you. - What can I get for y'all?

- I'm between the pork chop and the duck.

- Well, you get one, and I'll get the other.

- There you go. I'll put that right in for you.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

- Cheers.

- How do you feel about how the house is coming?

- I love it.

I think it's so cute, and I think

it's still, like, masculine enough but, like, a home.

- It's put together, it's organized,

and it's like a real house.

- Really, the only thing more that I, like, feel like

we really need are night-side tables and curtains.

- I mean, you always said-- you were like, look,

I loved visiting you when it was a construction site,

but, you know, I wanted somewhere

that you felt at home, too.

- I do think about, though, like, oh, my God,

what if I was, like, with child right now?

I'm not, but I, like, got, like, nervous for a second.

And my first thought was, I have to move to Charleston.

- Look, I think with me, it's just, like,

I've always wanted a wife and children

and, like, a family.

- Are you trying to marry me?

- One day.

You know, some days, I fantasize about it.

- Who you marry is the biggest decision

of your ----ing life.

- I know.

- But also, we've only been together

for a year and a half.

You gotta really think about that.

Like, I still feel like we're young.

- There's real-life obstacles that we have to work through.

A lot of those obstacles are being put there by Paige.

Not unfairly, but they are.

We don't live in the same place.

You know, we can't just make up that, like, one day,

we have this family if we don't live together.

Look, I knew one of the concerns you had,

in order for you to spend more time down here,

is, like, building a social circle.

Like, how's that going?

- Yeah, I mean, yeah, if I moved down here,

like, I'd wanna be able to be, like, get my own car

and be, like, okay, I'm gonna go hang out

with my girlfriends. - Yeah, I would love that.

- If I had friends?

[laughs] Same.

But, like, let's be honest, girls are the worst.

And making friends in your 30s is so different.

I mean, I obviously like Madison.

- Like, would you hang out with her, you know,

as, like, a girlfriend?

- She would be a girlfriend in my friend group.

- You met a friend, yay.

- I love friends.

No, I really like her.

- Well, look at us, building that social circle.

All right, all we need right now--

let's get you pregnant.

- No.

[laughs]

- Coming up.

- I think that the kiss might have been

more of like an apology.

[upbeat jazzy music]

* *

- Hello, hello. - Hi.

- How are you doing? - How are you?

- Good. Good to see you. - Good to see you.

- Doing well. How's it going?

- Good. Do you like espresso martinis?

- I do. - Okay.

So we're known for that. - I've had them here.

- Two espresso martinis, absolutely.

- Well, we got plenty of daylight left,

so we'll be okay.

- Yeah, I feel we'll be okay. - Yeah.

- Even in my party days, I feel like I've never seen you,

like, out of your mind.

- I keep it, like, pretty much consistent, you know?

- Yeah, like, I always laugh, like, even when, like,

we're hanging out with our friends or whatever,

and it's like, people are getting messy,

and I'm like, so me and Rod don't really do that.

'cause we're actually more scared of our parents

than even jail. - I know, yeah.

I've known Leva, probably, for, God, 14 years now, I think.

Cheers. Appreciate it. - Thank you.

Is there, like, a way to do this

so I don't get, like, an espresso mustache?

- Yeah, I mean, we're Persians, so we were born with mustaches.

- I came out the womb with a mustache, but that's okay.

- Yeah, we go back pretty far, you know?

There's not a lot of Persians in Charleston.

- There's, like, six of us, and, like,

two of us we see out, so yeah.

It's funny, 'cause when Olivia met you--

everyone comes to me when they meet somebody, right?

- Yeah. - 'Cause I know the real tea.

And she, like, came to me, and I was like,

Rod's, like, solid.

She kept calling you the Persian Prince.

I was like, yep, that's right.

Rod is like a party guy,

but I do think that Rod

is very serious about settling down,

not like the other Lost Boys in Charleston.

I think he's a good catch.

- Well, Olivia, I don't know.

It's like, we had a lot of good momentum for a while.

Just, things were going really well,

and then, like, I could kind of feel something was off.

Whether it's Austen or someone else or whatever's happening,

I can feel her pulling away from me.

- Yeah.

- You are literally the perfect guy,

but, like, I have, like, this hesitation

of getting in a relationship.

- From what I know of her, I feel like there's

a safety in her being, like, this is the devil I know,

as opposed to, like, she might think you're wonderful,

but she's like, but-- - I hide it really well.

- Yeah, like, 'cause in her mind,

she probably thought Austen was great

when she met Austen, right? - Right.

- And then she's just like, I'm not capable

of being, like, broken right now.

- Yeah.

- With Austen, she was thinking he's a schmuck.

- Yeah. - You know what I mean?

She got away, and now she's vulnerable.

And then now, he has slithered and leaned in.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Like, you know what I mean?

* *

- Hello. [laughs]

- You snuck up on me.

- Hi. How are you?

- Good to see you. - Look at you.

Are you kidding?

- I don't know if you're allowed to drink in a park.

- I don't either. - Are you?

(BLEEP) it. I'm sorry.

All right, so here's what we got.

- Wow, a charcut? - Yeah.

- Wow. - It's pretty fresh too.

- Look at that. Oh, my gosh.

- You can tell. Unopened, sealed.

- Yeah, it is fresh.

- Do you wanna pop this, or do you--

let's just pop it. - Let's pop it.

[laughs] Okay. - Sorry.

I don't wanna litter, and I don't wanna kill you, so.

- [laughs] Okay.

- Don't hit me.

- Are you gonna catch it? [cork pops]

Oh, sh--!

- Here.

- I love that we just popped champagne in a park.

- It's pretty good champagne too.

Taylor's very social. So am I.

So we started hanging out in downtown Charleston,

and we went to, like, Europe together with some friends.

You know, I don't wanna sound cheesy,

but she's a good woman, and instantly, we clicked.

And so it feels like I've known her for 20 years,

even though it's only been, you know, one or two.

I wanna just toast you for surviving the mountains.

- Thank you.

Do you like cheating on me?

- [scoffs]

I mean, sometimes, it's fun.

- It was just, like, a surreal moment that he said that.

- It was hard to watch, but I have your back.

But we're all watching this unfold.

You guys had your thing. - Yeah.

- And then we're watching you guys wake up together.

- No, I think that the kiss might have been

more of like an apology.

- You kiss people as an apology?

- I don't know.

I mean, how many times did we go into the room

and go to sleep? Like, that's just--

- Familiarity. - Yeah, that's what it was.

And I'm gonna be, like, the simp that goes running back.

And I don't know.

The second that Shep and I broke up,

I should have gotten a therapist.

- I'm noticing a trend with you.

You got burned. - I got burned.

- So now you're like, oh, I'm burned.

I'm very badly burned.

- So now I'm gonna fry everybody else.

- So now you have your flamethrower,

and you're just cooking everybody, burning everybody.

Shep with Austen and then Olivia.

Yes, you're a queen, but you shouldn't abuse your power.

So the conversation is like, hey, Olivia,

I'm interested in Austen.

Austen to Olivia and Shep, hey, like,

I'm really in love with Taylor. Like, I wanna explore.

- I think I caught him off guard, though.

That's the thing. - So you initiated it?

I'm so confused. - I initiated it.

- With Austen? - Correct.

- Wow, okay.

- I take full responsibility for that.

- Wow, that's a bombshell.

- I mean, it would be weird and crazy and wild, but it's not,

like, the first time it's ever happened.

Two couples break up, a best friend and best friend,

and then they end up together.

It's like, I'm a human being,

and there could have been a real connection there,

but there just--there wasn't.

I did not wanna hurt Olivia.

If anything, I would wanna have hurt Shep

more than ever Olivia.

I would never wanna hurt Olivia.

- But you, again-- - And I did.

- I know you did. - And it really sucks.

And I don't know if it will get better.

I don't know. I don't know.

- Yeah.

[apprehensive music]

- Coming up.

- Shep, why don't you say, like, I think it's crazy,

and I don't know how to be friends with you anymore?

'Cause if he hooked up with Paige,

[upbeat jazzy music]

* *

[dog barks]

- Oh, don't you come in barking.

[barking continues] Shh.

Oy, oy.

Unnecessary.

[line trills]

- Good.

But, more importantly, we're having the dinner here.

Remember we talked about it?

- Usually, Mom would be hosting,

but she ----ed up her back, and she's laid up, so.

- Yeah.

Good morning. - Hi, Honey. Thank you.

- Hi. Sure.

- It's black. I can't drink black coffee.

- Okay. I'll redo it.

- You'd think you'd know how your own mother

likes her coffee after 82,000 years.

- Well, we don't have any cream here in the house.

- This is a cautionary tale.

I got out of bed at 5:00 in the morning,

and the next thing I knew, I was flat on my back

in excruciating pain on the floor.

Put some of that oat milk that you drink in there.

And can I have it in the blue and white cups

that match the décor instead of this Versace thing?

- Okay.

- And the result is that I had compression

fracture of the spine.

It usually takes six months for bones to heal.

And if you're older, it takes even longer.

And I'm no spring chicken, even though you might think so.

[laughs]

- So I'm resuming hosting duties.

The attire is either dinner or smoking jacket.

- And I look forward to seeing you, man.

- Talk to you later, man. Bye.

* *

- Oh.

Hello. - Welcome in.

- Hi.

Can I have a table for two, please?

- Absolutely.

- Perfect. Thank you so much.

- Of course.

[both laugh]

- Hi. You look good. - Thank you.

I'm trying to, like, dress for the mood that I wanna be in.

- And I'm dressed like I'm about to kick somebody's ass.

So what's new?

- Oh, my God.

- Welcome in. Welcome in. How are you?

- Good How are you? - Good, good.

Did you guys wanna get started with any drinks?

- Yeah, I'll do a raspberry mimosa.

- Could I also do a mimosa with peach?

- Yeah. - What about nachos?

- Yum.

- I'll send that all over for you guys.

- I love it. Okay, miss.

I just got back from Fashion Week five hours ago.

I felt like I was ten times busier this go-around.

- I couldn't even keep up with the Instagram.

I was like, she's here, she's there, she's there.

I was like, oh, my God. I was like, Venita.

- And you do that 15 times in a day.

- Bitch, I saw you guys were like,

"Mm..." - I was like, hi. Hi.

- Hey. I love it.

I have to say, Venita is, like, a supermodel,

which is why I like her.

So good.

I'm very proud of you. - Thank you.

- You're awesome.

- All righty, I've got your peach mimosa

right there for you. - Thank you.

- And have your raspberry mimosa.

- Okay. - Thank you so much.

- Thanks so much, you guys.

- Well, speaking of New York, what's going on with Manny?

- It's good. It's all good.

Guess what? - What?

- Our anniversary is tomorrow.

- You remember where we were at

when I asked you to be my girlfriend?

- Yeah. We were at Felix.

- Mm-hmm.

That was amazing. - Yeah.

Can you believe we've been together this long?

- Eight months.

- Don't (BLEEP) it up.

[laughter]

- Here's the pulled pork nachos for you guys.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- Thanks, guys.

- So what's it like being married

and being long distance?

I feel that's a whole nother ball game.

- I mean, honestly, you know, with Hudson, I mean,

I have joint custody with him.

If I can be separated from my child

for a short period of time, then I can

be separated from my husband.

- Your husband, yeah.

- But that could change, because we're talking about,

like, having a baby. - Ah!

- Yeah. - Whoa. More kids.

- Oh, my God. - Like, more.

- More, yeah. Yeah. - Another.

- So I mean, this time, I want it to be planned

and, like, take our time.

- That's amazing, though.

- I mean, we literally fall asleep holding hands at night.

Like, I don't even tell people sh-- like that, but, like--

- You? - Yes, me.

- Look at us, husband, boyfriend.

Who would have thought? [both laugh]

* *

- There he is. - What's up?

- Long time no see.

- I think I'm gonna get a beer.

What do you want?

- A Trop Hop.

- Ooh, I'll try the brisket, please.

- The brisket? - Thank you.

I would be happy living in an island

and bartending for the rest of my life.

I would. - Yeah? An island?

- Alternative life.

Yeah, like, being in the Bahamas.

- I mean, two texts from Olivia.

- Saying what? - I don't know.

I don't know, you know? She's just texting me.

- There's a lot of unresolved feelings there.

She wants to like you, and then she remembers

that you did something nefarious.

- Look, I get it.

Her head is all over the place. - Right.

- And that's why I'm not trying to jumble it up any further

with, like, other than trying to be her friend.

- I'm not preachy with you ever,

but you know my theory on, like, spending time with exes,

'cause that's what just happened with Taylor and Shep.

- I know, man.

I am compartmentalizing in the best way

that I possibly can to be friends with her.

- We blame Charleston for being too incestuous

and that we can't get away from our exes.

And I think Austen fell in that hole,

but he's really trying to figure out

how to do the right thing.

- The brisket sandwich for you? - Yes, thank you so much.

Perfect. - Awesome.

- And some silverware as well. Oh, you have some.

- Can I just do another can? - Yeah.

- I actually was very proud of you,

like, how you handled JT coming at you,

you didn't get pissed off.

You handled it so well.

And then with Shep,

you didn't do anything that night to, like--

well, you hooked up with his girlfriend, but...

- Austen's been against me since the ----ing day one.

You never tell your friends when you (BLEEP) up.

God forbid you were honest.

- And that drives him mad, because when he was talking

to me, he was like, me and Taylor,

we used to make fun of you. And I'm like--

- He said that? - Yeah.

Shep has seemingly forgiven me,

but I just know this is not the last that I've heard of this.

I feel that Taylor--

that was the most pathetic thing

I've ever seen in my life. - Yeah.

- That was the most pathetic maneuver of hers.

- What?

- Quite literally, he said that it was fun to cheat on her.

And then she ended up in bed with him.

That's how I feel about that.

- Well, you were her confidant for a long time.

- I know that, and I'm not gonna be there

to pick up the pieces, you know, next time.

[tense music]

I've told her, you know, respect herself

and demand more respect from other people,

but she's not listening.

And it's just like, you can lead a horse to water,

but you can't make it drink.

I'm not gonna have a talk with her about it,

and I'm not gonna have a talk, you know,

with Shep about him yelling at me, either.

There's no ----ing point anymore.

* *

- Coming up.

- Austen, Taylor's car is at my house.

[upbeat jazzy music]

* *

- How you doing? - Hey, man.

- What's going on? How are you?

- Good to see you. - Good to see you, too, man.

- So what's the menu for this evening?

- So you have your beef Wellington,

and that's with the sauce bordelaise.

- Okay. Okay. - With the asparagus.

- And this is your parmesanas, which is almost like a gratin.

- Good.

- I'm putting the Wellington in at 6:00.

- Okay.

- 30 minutes, and it rests 10 minutes.

6:40, they have to be in their seat, ready to start.

- Done.

And if they're not, bring it out anyway.

It was up to me, I would not be doing a royal dinner

in honor of an anachronistic monarch.

Sorry, Chuck. [chuckles]

I call him Chuck.

He loves that.

- So I'm gonna come in with the beef Wellington.

Now, all you guys doing for proper service.

We look at each other in the eye.

I nod my head.

We pass right down here. You walk out.

You're just a penguin for the night, and there, we're good.

Your mom said that you had trays for the asparagus,

for the Wellington.

I don't think she wants me to bring it out here

in a sheet pan.

- I have no idea where they are.

I don't know where the (BLEEP) all this sh-- is.

- Can I use this for the Wellington?

- I mean, I suppose.

- That didn't sound too confident.

- I've been to formal dinners.

I've been lucky enough to go to Blenheim

and other country estates, but I'm not usually the host.

[line trills]

- Hello? - Hi.

So a couple questions. - How's it going?

- It's going very well.

The centerpiece, on or off the table?

- You can't, okay.

Question number two, why are all these footmen

here or whatever? What's the purpose?

- Well, proper in, like, the 1790s, but I mean--

[laughs]

- Right, okay.

- Okay. Bye. Bye.

[sighs]

* *

[doorbell rings]

Well, well.

Right turn, old boy. - What's up?

- Come here. Come here, child.

- Good to see you. - Good to see you, man.

How you doing? - How's your mom?

- She's good, she's good, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Good, good. - You good?

- Yeah.

- Can I get you anything to drink?

We do have the two specialty cocktails,

the King Charles and the Jubilee cocktail,

if you want one of those.

- You know what? Hit me with your best shot.

- You got it.

- Wow. Look at you.

You threw it together. - I know.

This old thing?

- This old thing? [laughs]

- It was out back. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Let me smack one of these cars.

Come on, get me close.

- Man, you're not doing that. - Why?

- Why do you wanna touch it?

- Just 'cause.

[phone dings]

- Mom sent a text.

She said, "Put a wee-wee pad down on the white sofa

for when Craig sits down." - For Craig, yeah. [laughs]

- Oh, Craig.

- For some reason, he and Craig were drinking blueberry wine.

- It tastes like sugar. - Was that at the winery?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- When we went fishing, he was just talking about,

like, I guess he's already kind of broached the line

of asking Paige about marriage.

- You know, if it was up to me, I would like to be engaged

by the end of the year. - Oh, wow.

- But it does feel like we're spinning in circles.

- That's fair.

- She wasn't too--like, she's, you know, I guess kind of got--

- Cold feet.

- All right, Craig, your horse and buggy have arrived.

- Heck, yeah, golf cart, only way to travel.

- She might have a different plan for her life

than the old--

the white picket fence and the pool that never is ready.

- Open up the door!

We here.

[doorbell rings] - Oh, my God.

Speak of the devil.

- We're here, bitches.

- Uh-oh. - (BLEEP) yeah.

- Oh, sh--. What's up?

- Yeah.

- Very, very sharp.

- Hello, sir.

- Well, thank you for coming.

- Gentlemen.

- Love it.

- We're in robes. - What's up, man?

- You chose burgundy, of course.

So did I.

What's up?

- All right, are you about to offer something?

- Yes, yes. So we have drinks coming.

We'll get two more.

- Oh, my gosh. - Thank you, Randolph.

- You're welcome.

- This is the King Charles.

- It looks like a spaniel.

- On the rocks.

- So this is--

- To, uh, to Patricia. - Patricia.

- May she be in better health very soon.

- Thank you, thank you.

- Hey, Patricia, we're thinking about you.

I love you, boo.

- [laughs]

- So what's up, boys?

Haven't seen you guys in a hot minute.

- I mean, yeah.

- We haven't really talked.

- It's been a week but, like--

- Hey, Austen.

Taylor's dog, Penny, is at my house,

and her car is at my house.

[tense music]

We had lunch today together.

- Hey, Austen.

Taylor's car is at my house.

We had lunch today together.

- Did you bone?

[tense music]

* *

- No.

- Did you not hook up in the mountains?

- We made out, and then I passed out.

And she came in, like, 20 minutes later

and tried to wake me up.

I was like, rah.

- Austen, why are you so quiet?

- 'Cause I'm just reveling in y'all's company.

- Oh.

- I gotta go pee.

- All right, let's get some Wellington out.

[upbeat jazzy music]

Perfect every time.

How does that happen?

- I'll take that out for you.

- Thank you, sir.

- Craig, let's do something tomorrow.

- On Sunday?

Dude, I'm not gonna lie to you, Shep,

I've been a little bit of a hermit recently.

- No sh--.

- I know, but I don't hate it, man.

- That's fine, but, at the same time,

I would love to kick it with Paige more here in town

and show her some fun things.

Like, I don't feel like she really knows

what Charleston's all about or she doesn't like it.

I don't know. - No, you're not wrong.

Here's the thing.

We spend a lot of the time when she's here

just being like, (BLEEP) it.

We just wanna stay in and be by ourselves.

- Paige likes that.

Like, it's her choice to, like, be chilling out.

- Of course, of course, but he should drag her ass out.

- The thing is, man--

- Because, I mean, people are like,

we know Craig is dating Paige.

However, we never see Paige.

- Shep, but, like, she's like, Craig, I'm 30 years old.

I did it. - I'm 43.

I'm like, hmm, should I go out or not?

- Shep, is there a world that you get to know Paige

that's not through the nightlife, though?

- Yeah. - But you have to initiate it.

- Okay, fair.

- I think travel is the answer to that.

- You know what? Look.

Here, this might sound crazy, but, like,

I plan to take Paige to Jamaica.

- Yeah? - You know what? (BLEEP) it.

Let's go with all of our friends.

- Like, hell, yeah. Let's do it.

Let's do a whole weekend.

- All right, gents.

- Perfect, as I have been for the past 50 years.

- Game on. So let's get ready to rumble.

[gong reverberates]

[dogs barking]

- The dinner bell just rang.

- Sorry, dogs.

- I thought I just heard a gong.

- You heard a gong.

- Gentlemen, we're going to have dinner.

- Let's do it. I'm excited.

- So the placement is a bit random, but--

- How do you spell my ----ing name wrong,

you ----ing asshole? - Ladies first.

- Sit. - Ladies first. Thank you.

- How fragile are these chairs?

- Very fragile.

- As fragile as you and Austen's psyche.

[laughter]

- Bordelaise.

Each one of you, grab one in your left hand.

Meat is at 6 o'clock.

When you serve, you're coming around here.

Hand behind your back.

Come on, let's do it, to it.

- Look at this, boys.

- Oh, wow. - I just wanna eat.

- What a presentation.

- Now, gentlemen. Bing, bang.

- Here we go.

- Gentleman, I used to serve at the Ritz Carlton.

This is how they did it. - All right.

- Good presentation. - Always from the left.

- So unfortunately, Pat's not here tonight.

In 1974, at Buckingham Palace, she had this meal.

This is your classic beef Wellington.

It's wrapped in prosciutto di parma

then phyllo dough then the puff pastry at the end.

- Fantastic.

- Your potatoes, your asparagus.

Bon appétit, guys. - Thank you so much.

Cheers. Well done.

- Good food, good meat.

Good God, let's eat.

- Your mother definitely hired these strapping young men,

didn't she? - I know.

But anyway, it's all good.

- Austen, were you excited for the footmen?

- No. Were you excited for the footmen?

- There's a few good-looking ones.

- [laughs]

- Beef Wellington.

I don't know if I've had a proper beef Wellington.

- You usually only get beef Wellington

as a passed hors d'oeuvre because no one

puts the time into it for a full-size serving.

- Damn, that's good.

- That's ridiculously good.

- It's like butter.

This might be my favorite meal I've ever had here.

- Mmm.

- Yeah.

- Whit, this was great.

Hey, you missed our party in the mountains, man.

- He did not miss out.

- I'm sorry. I heard it was quite epic.

- It was theatric.

- What'd you hear about it, Whit?

- I didn't hear much.

It was kind of-- - Let me guess.

- It was a ping-pong match.

- Let me guess, you heard one side of it, not a shocker.

Let me guess.

- Oh, yeah, 'cause you're so impartial, Austen.

- Shep got, you know, whiskey mittens,

had a ----ing rampage.

- Austen.

You don't have a big leg to stand on on this one, okay?

- Dude, I don't-- - No, no. No, no.

You don't have a big moral leg to stand on on this one.

- Listen, listen-- - And so you kind of deserved

a little bit of derision from me.

You did ostensibly cross me, and I chose to be

a gentleman and gracious. - I know.

And I was confused about it.

- No, you didn't choose to be a gentleman.

You chose to be, like, I don't know how the (BLEEP) to deal

with this right now, because one of my best friends

hooked up with my ex. - I don't--

- You were a lot angrier about what happened

than you were letting off. - It wasn't anger.

- And it ----ing came out.

- I just wish that we could have, like,

had a man-to-man conversation.

Instead, you were a ----ing psychopath.

- I meant every ----ing word I said.

- But you haven't said, I don't like that

you hooked up with Taylor.

- But I wasn't happy. I was upset.

- You know my bro code.

You know that I have some serious sh--

against what he did.

But you bearing it and not saying, like,

Austen, I'm not happy with what you did,

is what's leading to, like, the buildup.

- I did, but I just was respectful and nice

and kind about it. - I know, man.

And I'm just telling you, you think it's ----ing craz--

- I feel ----ing bad, and I've been trying to, like, atone.

- And I'm the one that should be mad at you.

And I'm, like, defending you inside my head.

[soft classical music]

- God damn, that's pretty ----ing good.

Baked Alaska, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

- Shep, why don't you say, like, I think it's crazy,

and I don't know how to be friends with you anymore?

'Cause if he hooked up with Paige,

I wouldn't know how to be friends with him anymore.

Why don't you just say that?

Deal with it.

- I'm--I'm--I'm a fairly happy human being.

Everything's going well.

- Sorry to interrupt this, like, extravagant narcissism.

[bright classical music]

- ----ing command them.

Command them.

'Cause we're all here to just eat tonight.

- All right, let's have the next course.

- All right, baked Alaska.

- There you go.

- Oh, my God.

- Thank you. - Thank you so much.

- So you'll see in here, you'll see

the layers of the chocolate and vanilla,

'cause as per Pat, that's what she wanted,

chocolate and vanilla. - Yeah.

- And then torched up there.

- It's so good. - Great.

Thank you so much. - Thank you, guys.

It was a pleasure. - Cheers.

- Pleasure. - Really well done.

- Thank you. - Absolutely, guys.

- Well, I'm just trying to figure--

I mean, you guys are good, like women, and you're upset.

- You're the beast master.

- It's 'cause they bury sh-- 'cause they're boys

and they don't talk about their feelings.

- No, I do not hold things over people's head.

I really, really don't - Stop saying that.

- If someone hooked up with your ----ing ex-girlfriend,

you're gonna ----ing be mad about it.

That's the truth.

Instead of you being like, I don't care.

I don't care.

You're not a ----ing super, like, hero.

- No, I think I proved that, yeah.

[tense music]

- I'm gonna go hang out with all the back waiters.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Hi, boys. I'm gonna go back there.

- Hi, boys. - Hi, boys.

Thanks for everything.

- I would love to see that.

- Where are you going, Shep?

- I think we're done here.

- Guys, thank you so much.

Such a compelling evening.

- Shep's trying to show that, like, he can't be bothered,

but I know he's bothered.

And, like, tension's not really being resolved.

It's just boiling.

- Everyone said exactly what they needed to say, that's it.

- Okay. - We're done here.

- If you felt like you said it all.

- I don't know. What, do you think I didn't?

- I think it hurts you too much to even broach the subject.

- I know. That's why it sucks.

- Everything that, you know, Shep said tonight was,

like, a dig, you know, to me.

- Hey, Whitney, thanks so much.

Austen, ciao. Whitney, Thank you.

- See you later. - Glorious.

- And then he'll double and triple down on it

as if nothing is wrong.

Your decision to try to be like, I'm better than this,

I don't wanna lose his friend--

- Your decision to try to be, like,

I'm better than this, I don't wanna lose his friend--

all that, will, eventually, blend into making you

look like an angry person.

- I'm just not-- that's not who I am.

- Okay, all right. Well, I love you.

- Yeah, I know.

- I'll see you soon, okay? - Okay.

Yeah, I gotta run, man. - Okay.

I'll see you soon. - All right, yeah.

[tense music]

- I can tell that Austen's a little shook.

I lashed out and said some things that probably

needed to be said at an earlier time,

but it's an accumulation of things with Austen

stringing Olivia along, stepping in on Taylor.

And he should know better. He should be shook.

- Let's make the smoking jackets worth it.

Find me a cigar.

- Here. - Jackpot.

- Here, I would love one of the thin ones.

- But you want a proper--

- Oh, that was a great cut. Thank you.

- Here, let's light it on the porch

so your mom doesn't get mad.

- Where's Shep, by the way or did he--

- He left. - He left?

- The cushions are gone. (BLEEP).

- The cushions are in storage, so.

- Let's do the fire.

- Whitney. - Whitney!

- I'm peeing off your side.

- You mother----er!

- [sighs]

- Hey.

- Listen, Austen hooked up with Taylor.

If you were a betting man, and you gotta put

this house on the line... - Right.

- Are you picking that they did more than kiss

or less than kiss?

- I'm betting on ----ing.

- Well, then I own your ----ing house now, don't I?

- You'd own a lot more than his house,

'cause everyone's betting on that you did more.

- Craig, we ----ing didn't,

and I don't know what else to say.

- Did you just throw your ----ing cigar?

- No, it's--

- You are such-- Oh, Craig, jump.

- Would you get that, please? Thank you.

- It's right here. - Oh, sh--.

- I thought he was gonna jump in the bushes.

- I will. - Thank you very much.

Thank you. - Oh, I like this.

I've never found this spot before.

- There you go. - Go ahead, Austen.

- We didn't sleep together, and that's it.

- Okay, how did the decision-- we should, maybe, kiss.

I mean, how did this decision come about?

- It takes two to tango, right?

She kind of made a move on me, if I'm gonna be honest.

- Really?

Were you watching TV, having drinks?

- No, no, no, no. We were jamming.

- What does that mean?

- We were jamming to music.

What do you mean, what does it mean?

- Was it, like, dancing in the living room together?

- We were just jamming. - Well, tell us what happened.

Use Whitney. You're Taylor. - Oh, I'm Taylor?

- No, you're Austen. You're chilling.

- I'm Austen? - Yeah, you're Austen.

He's Taylor. - We're dancing, right?

You know, do some, like, extravagant moves,

'cause I have great moves. - I'm like that.

I'm like that. - Yeah, yeah.

And I'm over here, and I'm dancing, too,

and, like, you're looking that way, maybe, right?

- I'm like that.

- And then you turn back around, right?

- I'm like, oh. - Oh, sh--

- Oh, my gosh.

- Wow.

- Did you grab her boobs? - No.

- Did you grab her boobs? - I grabbed her.

- Dude, was there tongue involved or no?

- Guys, guys.

- There's been a lot of sexual tension.

- There's been a lot of tension, right?

- You said since the first day

that Shep and Taylor got together,

that you guys have had sexual tension.

- I did not say that. You are making that up.

- At the Commodore, you said, if Shep didn't take her home,

I would have.

- Oh, that day. - Ooh.

- You said that. - That was at Palace.

- Okay, yeah.

So there was some tension.

- And Shep left, and her and I were talking about how fun

it is to make out with people.

In my mind, I was sitting there being like, this is your time.

Like, you could go for it right now,

but I ----ing didn't, did I?

- You were like, I'm gonna wait until you date my buddy

to make out with you.

- Touché, touché, touché.

- But last question, when you hooked up with Taylor,

what did you think in that moment?

Or you were like-- - I felt not bad about it.

- And you were just like, (BLEEP) it,

(BLEEP) Shep, (BLEEP) Olivia?

- No.

I had a brief ----ing moment with someone

that I'm close with.

I don't necessarily mean that the kiss didn't mean anything,

but Taylor and I did not end up dating.

We talked, and we decided that we were better off as friends.

I thought that we could just bury it

and keep a secret from everyone.

And that's what I regret doing.

I'll never forget that the next day, you know,

when she called me, I was like, Taylor,

thank God we didn't sleep together.

- What do you mean?

She left your room after you kissed?

- I mean, it wasn't in my room.

- Where was the make-out, then? - In my kitchen.

- No, you guys said New York.

- No, this was, like, three weeks later.

I didn't say that it was New York.

- Austen, the entire time, you guys have said

that it happened in New York.

- I didn't say it happened in New York.

- I thought Taylor said it was in New York.

- After New York, I was like, I mean,

Austen, is this something that we explore?

- But regardless, the sleepovers happening recently.

- We all went back to yours, you let me leave,

and it was just the two of you the other night.

- So that would mean that they kissed in New York

and then had the sleepovers.

So you're telling me that if you've already kissed a girl

and you're having a private sleepover,

that you're not gonna make out again?

- We did it once. Deal with it.

- You did something ----ed up, Austen.

* *

- Next time on "Southern Charm"...

- The IUD, we'll just take it out.

And you are immediately fertile.

- Ahh!

- Taylor tried to hook up, and I was like,

I don't think that's a good idea.

She goes, fine. I'll just stay with Austen.

[upbeat music]

- All right, everyone.

Thank you for joining me in Jamaica.

[all cheering]

- It bothers me that I'm so bothered by him.

- It was always about Olivia.

I ----ing love her.