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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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Oliver Putnam, long considered
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New York's most un-land-able bachelor,
is in love.
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That's right. This merchandise
is off the market, bruh.
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Ah! Loretta.
Whom you have yet to ask out.
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_
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You're not supposed to be here.
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There was someone in his dressing room.
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Whose lipstick is this? _
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I would imagine
it belongs to our killer.
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You found my lipstick.
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Charles-Haden Savage, I'd be honored.
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The answer is yes.
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I would love to marry you!
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This is a fun twist.
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Ah, love! You gotta love it.
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Everywhere you look, there it is.
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But in the city that never sleeps,
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how do you really know
who the hell you're sleeping with?
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People can conceal
some very dirty secrets.
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Or fatally fatal flaws.
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Everything's fine.
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Joy's just loudly shattering sea glass
to put in her aquarium.
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Sure, sure.
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Uh, have you asked your new fiancée
about the lipstick yet?
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Did she write "fucking pig"
on Ben's dressing room mirror?
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Oh yeah. No. But, I will.
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Charles, you said
you would ask her two days ago.
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Let us in. We can talk to her.
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I am handling the situation
in my own time.
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See, I told you he didn't need our help,
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but I do. Does this scarf say,
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"Loretta, I've loved you
since the first day I met you"?
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I don't know what the scarf is saying,
but all I can see is a crayon box.
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Ah. Well, see, that's why
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we always carry a backup.
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- Thank you, Mabel.
- Charles,
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I can calmly talk to Joy.
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You know,
investigator woman to suspect woman.
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She is not another Jan. I... think.
She could be
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but it's important for me
to be able to interrogate
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my murderous girlfriend... fiancée...
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Shit.
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What about my hair?
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Is it giving Karen...
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or Cary Grant?
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Hold on.
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- Mabel Mora, are you going out on a date?
- Date?
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No! I... No. No.
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Tobert has a suspect he has a lead on.
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I'm meeting him for a stakeout,
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and the place has a dress code.
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- Well, it's a date.
- Yeah.
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It's a stakeout!
When two totally platonic,
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semi-professional investigators
wait together,
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in an out-of-sight, enclosed space,
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and watch while a suspect
hopefully incriminates themselves,
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while we hold in our pee for hours
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and eat stale Cheetos.
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In a cocktail dress.
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Look, I'm gonna unmute your texts.
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I'll be in the wings
if anything should go haywire.
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I'll be okay.
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Oy.
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Is it possible you're sleeping
next to a lunatic, or a liar?
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Sure, it is.
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But I always tell people,
better lose your mind loving
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than to live your life loveless.
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It's been a while
since I dipped my quill
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in a woman's ink pot.
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Any new moves I should know about?
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Please don't make me take the next one.
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sync and corrections by awaqededwww.MY-SUBS.com.
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Joy, can you come in here, please?
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♪ Here comes the bride,
all dressed in white ♪
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♪ She's wearing a thong,
we hope that's not wrong ♪
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♪ We're late to taste ♪
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♪ Magnolia Bakery wedding cakes ♪
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- Charlie, you ready to go?
- Yeah!
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Yeah. Hey, Joy!
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Hey, this, uh, Ruby Strippers lipstick?
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- Uh-huh.
- Did I tell you where we found it?
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It was backstage.
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- Okay...
- Yeah. It was...
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in Ben's dressing room to be exact.
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I mean, any clue
how that would've gotten there?
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Hey, Brazzos.
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Hang up your badge, okay?
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We're on hiatus.
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Remember?
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Yeah, b-but just for my case files,
how would it have gotten there?
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Seriously, President McKinley?
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This is your last strike!
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President McKinley?
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I always wanted to be friends
with a president,
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but this one's an asshole.
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You think I don't see what you're doing,
you slimy-finned terrorist?
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I do not tolerate bullies.
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You're in solitary, POTUS.
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Joy,
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someone wrote a threatening
message on Ben's mirror with this.
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Do you know anything about that?
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Charles-Haden Savage.
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Do you honestly think I had
something to do with Ben's death?
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- Whoa!
- Happy engagement!
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Ow!
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Whoa! Charles, you gotta
get you to my Pilates guy.
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And my face guy.
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You got a little Shar-Pei
action going on there.
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- Sazzmatazz!
- Almond Joy!
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Oh...
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You know, they say a gift given in love
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has the power to wipe away
any storm brewing.
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It's an 18-piece fondue set.
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- Oh, thank you.
- Aw, we missed ya, Sazzmanian Devil.
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Well, Wile E. Joy-ote,
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apparently not enough
for your new fiancé
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to make me his understudy in the play.
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- Oh, well, I...
- I'm over it.
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I'm doing stunts for Bakula
next week in LA.
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Are you cheating on me with Scott?!
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Ooh.
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Woo!
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Do send Scotty my love.
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I miss his faith in me.
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He never accuses me of horrible things.
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You know what, Charles?
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You trust my palate, right?
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I think that, uh, I can taste test
these cakes on my own.
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You stay here with Sazz.
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Maybe she wants to be interrogated.
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Ooh.
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Okay, talk to mama.
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- Oh! Oliver, you're here.
- Ah.
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- I thought I heard someone.
- You're a vision.
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Well...
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Enchanté, ma chérie.
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Oh. Welcome to my slice of New York.
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It's itty-bitty,
but it's, you know, it's...
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- Oh! Mm-hmm.
- Art!
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It's art.
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Who are you?
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I'm a woman with a broken microwave.
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Which is why I'm forced to
improvise with this...
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prehistoric broiler that I never use!
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You do like pork chops
though, don't you?
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Oh, sure. Love solid food. Love...
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chewing on a chop.
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Yeah.
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You know, I zap a perfectly pink one
in my microwave.
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- Yeah? Mm...
- But it's broken and now my timing,
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- the temperature, all thrown off.
- C-Can I assist?
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No, just, uh, pop a squat, kumquat.
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Oh.
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So... unique.
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What's this fun thing?
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- Oh no! Don't open that! Don't do that!
- Oh!
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S... I'm sorry. I didn't...
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Didn't mean to jump the gun.
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Dinner before dessert, I always say.
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Oh.
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There you are.
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- Hi.
- Hi.
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You look fantastic.
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Thanks. You also look, um...
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Well, you know, I clean up.
166
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So, we're here because your suspect
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likes swanky piano bars?
168
00:09:08,758 --> 00:09:10,718
Oh, I already ordered us
some, uh, bites.
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I wasn't sure what your drink was.
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Ladies and gentlemen,
let's give a warm welcome...
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Wait, what's going on?
Wh-Where's your lead?
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Hey, cool cats.
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I'm Johnny Jay,
and I'm gonna sing for you tonight.
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♪ Just a song at twilight ♪
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♪ When the lights are low ♪
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Jonathan?
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Howard's sweet boyfriend is your guy?
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Well, he was.
I thought he was a great suspect.
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Ben's understudy?
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Who else had more to gain
from him dying, you know?
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But, I've been following him
around for a while now,
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and all I could find out was that
he volunteers with Broadway Cares
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and has this fantastic
weekly cabaret set.
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- You've gotta be kidding me.
- No, seriously.
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He did, uh, Somewhere Over The
Rainbow last week. I actually wept.
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Let me get this straight.
You texted me saying you have a lead.
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I text you saying "tell me more."
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You say "meet me here," I'm here,
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and now you're telling me
you don't have a lead.
190
00:10:02,312 --> 00:10:04,730
You're just Jonathan's
biggest cabaret fan.
191
00:10:04,731 --> 00:10:08,567
And now, I am on a date
with that cute girl from the armoire.
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00:10:10,570 --> 00:10:13,823
Okay, yes, I got creative.
Is that okay?
193
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:17,409
Mezcal old-fashioned.
194
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Is my drink.
195
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That I'm now gonna need.
196
00:10:21,206 --> 00:10:22,707
Yes, ma'am.
197
00:10:28,004 --> 00:10:30,506
Let's unpack what just happened.
198
00:10:30,507 --> 00:10:33,175
Safe space. Well, safe-ish.
199
00:10:33,176 --> 00:10:34,510
This is the Arconia.
200
00:10:34,511 --> 00:10:36,929
Oh, abnormal amount
of death in this place.
201
00:10:36,930 --> 00:10:40,307
By the way, are we sure
that the killer was after Ben,
202
00:10:40,308 --> 00:10:42,309
- and not you, Charles?
- What?
203
00:10:42,310 --> 00:10:44,562
Well, I've been getting some vibes.
204
00:10:44,563 --> 00:10:46,313
I also have my ham radio,
205
00:10:46,314 --> 00:10:49,900
and there's chatter of people
wishing it was you instead of Ben.
206
00:10:49,901 --> 00:10:52,611
- Me?!
- Anywhos,
207
00:10:52,612 --> 00:10:54,280
what's going on with Joy?
208
00:10:54,281 --> 00:10:56,198
And have you talked
to a therapist about it?
209
00:10:56,199 --> 00:10:58,617
- I don't have a therapist.
- I know you don't.
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00:10:58,618 --> 00:11:01,579
It was always worth me asking,
'cause that big white head of yours?
211
00:11:01,580 --> 00:11:03,747
Could use a good shrinking.
212
00:11:03,748 --> 00:11:06,083
Ah, Jan and I laugh about that.
213
00:11:06,084 --> 00:11:07,084
- Jan?
- Whoa!
214
00:11:07,085 --> 00:11:09,128
I should've trigger-warned. Yes, yes.
215
00:11:09,129 --> 00:11:12,214
I have continued to see Jan, yes.
216
00:11:12,215 --> 00:11:14,258
As in dating? She's a murderer.
217
00:11:14,259 --> 00:11:15,467
Yeah.
218
00:11:15,468 --> 00:11:18,095
You know, I guess it's the,
uh, stuntwoman in me.
219
00:11:18,096 --> 00:11:20,973
I got the hots for danger.
220
00:11:20,974 --> 00:11:23,809
Anyway, it's a bit
hard behind plexiglass.
221
00:11:23,810 --> 00:11:26,563
Or, as Jan calls it, sexi-glass.
222
00:11:27,606 --> 00:11:30,649
There's only so much you can do
with a raised eyebrow,
223
00:11:30,650 --> 00:11:33,777
a wet lip, and a sliver of tit.
224
00:11:33,778 --> 00:11:35,988
God, you are tense, man.
225
00:11:35,989 --> 00:11:37,240
Sazz.
226
00:11:37,782 --> 00:11:40,075
- I'm worried that Joy is another killer.
- What?!
227
00:11:40,076 --> 00:11:41,785
Joy?
228
00:11:41,786 --> 00:11:43,579
We've known her for decades.
229
00:11:43,580 --> 00:11:45,122
No, no, no, no, no.
230
00:11:45,123 --> 00:11:48,167
You've got the case
and the engagement all mushed up.
231
00:11:48,168 --> 00:11:50,085
You have to prove to
yourself Joy's not a murderer,
232
00:11:50,086 --> 00:11:51,378
so you can go ahead with the wedding.
233
00:11:51,379 --> 00:11:54,131
No. I have to prove
Joy isn't a murderer,
234
00:11:54,132 --> 00:11:55,507
so I can break up with her
235
00:11:55,508 --> 00:11:57,885
and not be in fear for
my life like I was with Jan!
236
00:11:57,886 --> 00:12:01,347
Charles, you are suffering from MGDS:
237
00:12:01,348 --> 00:12:04,725
Murderous Girlfriend
Derangement Syndrome.
238
00:12:04,726 --> 00:12:06,894
It's rare. I invented it.
239
00:12:06,895 --> 00:12:09,271
But it also means I know the treatment.
240
00:12:09,272 --> 00:12:12,441
Whoa. You know you got
the Rolls Royce of fish tanks here.
241
00:12:16,988 --> 00:12:18,865
We're gonna play a game.
242
00:12:20,575 --> 00:12:22,493
Cheers.
243
00:12:22,494 --> 00:12:24,328
Cheers.
244
00:12:24,329 --> 00:12:26,873
So glad we didn't waste our
money going to Le Cirque.
245
00:12:27,290 --> 00:12:29,750
Yeah.
246
00:12:29,751 --> 00:12:31,043
Hm...
247
00:12:31,044 --> 00:12:33,296
Mm.
248
00:12:34,839 --> 00:12:36,550
Mm...
249
00:12:42,138 --> 00:12:45,474
It's so solid.
So fully formed, you know?
250
00:12:45,475 --> 00:12:47,768
- Damn broiler. I'm just...
- No, it's just...
251
00:12:47,769 --> 00:12:49,812
Oh, what the hell, I'm just gonna...
252
00:12:49,813 --> 00:12:52,189
Look at this. That's what I'm gonna...
253
00:12:52,190 --> 00:12:54,149
- Well...
- Wh-Why cut it?
254
00:12:54,150 --> 00:12:55,150
Why not?
255
00:12:58,113 --> 00:13:00,365
So good.
256
00:13:06,204 --> 00:13:08,038
- Oh, my God!
- Oh!
257
00:13:08,039 --> 00:13:09,790
So sorry!
258
00:13:09,791 --> 00:13:12,126
- Is that mine?!
- Oh no, I'm so mortified!
259
00:13:12,127 --> 00:13:14,003
Let me get you some ice or something.
260
00:13:14,004 --> 00:13:17,923
No, no, no, I don't...
I-I actually don't feel anything...
261
00:13:17,924 --> 00:13:19,509
- You sure?
- No.
262
00:13:21,344 --> 00:13:22,846
Oh God.
263
00:13:30,312 --> 00:13:33,022
I love that little snort you do.
264
00:13:33,023 --> 00:13:35,274
- You do?
- Yeah,
265
00:13:35,275 --> 00:13:38,277
I do.
You're like an adorable little piglet.
266
00:13:41,781 --> 00:13:44,909
I played a pig in the
cruise ship production
267
00:13:44,910 --> 00:13:47,286
of Charlotte's Web once, in my 30s,
268
00:13:47,287 --> 00:13:50,247
but I think I really honed my snort
269
00:13:50,248 --> 00:13:53,751
when I played Snowball
in a black box production
270
00:13:53,752 --> 00:13:55,669
of, um, Animal Farm.
271
00:13:55,670 --> 00:13:57,463
How many pigs have you played?
272
00:13:57,464 --> 00:13:59,590
I don't know.
273
00:13:59,591 --> 00:14:01,508
Come on.
274
00:14:01,509 --> 00:14:04,720
Fucking pigs. Fucking pi...
275
00:14:04,721 --> 00:14:07,724
Hey, you know who was
a real fucking pig?
276
00:14:08,892 --> 00:14:10,142
Ben Glenroy.
277
00:14:12,229 --> 00:14:13,647
Let's toast to him.
278
00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:22,738
- What's the matter?
- N-Nothing.
279
00:14:22,739 --> 00:14:23,781
You just went white.
280
00:14:23,782 --> 00:14:26,785
No, no, no, nothing.
I just, um, it's just those words.
281
00:14:27,911 --> 00:14:29,954
Did you ever tell Ben that?
282
00:14:29,955 --> 00:14:32,706
That he was a, how'd you put it,
a fucking pig?
283
00:14:32,707 --> 00:14:35,626
Let's not talk about Ben now. I mean...
284
00:14:35,627 --> 00:14:38,337
Yes! No, no, no. No, no, no, n...
285
00:14:38,338 --> 00:14:41,507
No more Ben talk. No more Ben. No Ben.
286
00:14:41,508 --> 00:14:42,759
Just...
287
00:14:44,761 --> 00:14:47,763
Did I just make things weird?
288
00:14:47,764 --> 00:14:50,559
- No! No, no, no. No. Just...
- Yes.
289
00:14:51,017 --> 00:14:54,312
You poor thing. Your tooth.
290
00:14:57,440 --> 00:14:58,691
Do you trust me?
291
00:14:58,692 --> 00:15:00,110
Huh?
292
00:15:00,735 --> 00:15:02,779
Wanna get outta here?
293
00:15:04,281 --> 00:15:07,783
I know just the place for this.
294
00:15:14,124 --> 00:15:17,835
♪ Meet me tonight in dreamland ♪
295
00:15:17,836 --> 00:15:21,171
Mm! Okay,
so your drink of choice, mezcal.
296
00:15:21,172 --> 00:15:24,675
Your weather of choice, rain.
And your favorite time of day, night.
297
00:15:24,676 --> 00:15:26,969
Not exactly a fount of information,
are you?
298
00:15:26,970 --> 00:15:29,680
Hey, you got me here
under false pretenses.
299
00:15:29,681 --> 00:15:31,223
I'm making you work for it.
300
00:15:31,224 --> 00:15:35,144
That's fair. So, um,
Oliver and Charles, what is that deal?
301
00:15:35,145 --> 00:15:37,313
Are they, like, your dads, your patrons,
302
00:15:37,314 --> 00:15:39,273
your volunteer work, what?
303
00:15:39,274 --> 00:15:42,234
No! They're... my best buds.
304
00:15:42,235 --> 00:15:44,237
Okay. That's rad.
305
00:15:45,614 --> 00:15:47,031
But, like, what do you talk about?
306
00:15:47,032 --> 00:15:48,866
Murder, mostly.
307
00:15:48,867 --> 00:15:51,869
And how to connect to Bluetooth.
We talk about that a lot.
308
00:15:51,870 --> 00:15:54,080
So what do you say?
Have I earned a second round?
309
00:15:55,248 --> 00:15:57,249
- Yes, ma'am?
- Two more, please.
310
00:15:57,250 --> 00:15:58,501
Coming right up.
311
00:15:59,502 --> 00:16:02,588
Alright, so who's in your crew?
And wildlife doesn't count.
312
00:16:02,589 --> 00:16:05,007
Honestly, it's really tough
to stay in contact
313
00:16:05,008 --> 00:16:06,808
with anybody when
you're constantly traveling.
314
00:16:07,761 --> 00:16:11,473
And if you don't have a partner
to ground you, put down roots...
315
00:16:13,892 --> 00:16:15,769
Is that something you want?
316
00:16:16,728 --> 00:16:18,313
I think about it.
317
00:16:19,272 --> 00:16:22,149
Welcome to "Commit Or Be Committed!"
318
00:16:22,150 --> 00:16:24,443
And tonight's contestants are me,
319
00:16:24,444 --> 00:16:26,153
in the role of Joy Payne,
320
00:16:26,154 --> 00:16:27,905
makeup artist to the stars.
321
00:16:27,906 --> 00:16:30,991
And playing opposite Joy,
you know him as Brazzos,
322
00:16:30,992 --> 00:16:33,995
- Charles-Haden Savage!
- Hey.
323
00:16:34,788 --> 00:16:37,206
Our first category...
324
00:16:37,207 --> 00:16:40,125
is sexual relations.
325
00:16:40,126 --> 00:16:42,504
Now, remember. I'm Joy.
326
00:16:45,215 --> 00:16:47,424
I need sex twice a day,
327
00:16:47,425 --> 00:16:49,511
three times on weekends!
328
00:16:52,430 --> 00:16:54,473
Wrong answer!
329
00:16:54,474 --> 00:16:57,434
Nothing wrong with
a supercharged sex drive, Charles.
330
00:16:57,435 --> 00:17:01,063
Our next category is the future.
331
00:17:01,064 --> 00:17:03,232
You are my future.
332
00:17:03,233 --> 00:17:06,860
And I'll never, ever leave you, Charlie.
Ever!
333
00:17:06,861 --> 00:17:09,573
Never! Never ever!
334
00:17:10,448 --> 00:17:13,659
Well! Our first green light.
335
00:17:13,660 --> 00:17:16,663
Alright. You're up. Dig deep.
336
00:17:19,916 --> 00:17:23,711
Joy has been this close
to my face for 30-plus years,
337
00:17:23,712 --> 00:17:26,046
looking at every flaw and pore,
338
00:17:26,047 --> 00:17:28,799
and she still wants to jump my bones,
often twice a day.
339
00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:31,385
Now, isn't that the behavior
of a psychopath?
340
00:17:31,386 --> 00:17:34,722
Mm, sounds like the behavior of
someone who loves you for you.
341
00:17:34,723 --> 00:17:36,682
But I'm me.
342
00:17:36,683 --> 00:17:40,644
Look at me. Is this the face
of someone who deserves Joy?
343
00:17:40,645 --> 00:17:42,146
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!
344
00:17:42,147 --> 00:17:43,772
I think we have a diagnosis.
345
00:17:43,773 --> 00:17:45,399
Charles-Haden Savage,
346
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:48,527
you're not afraid of uppercase "J" Joy.
347
00:17:48,528 --> 00:17:51,697
You're afraid of lowercase "j" joy.
348
00:17:58,788 --> 00:18:00,040
That's it.
349
00:18:01,124 --> 00:18:02,249
That's my problem.
350
00:18:02,250 --> 00:18:04,335
Now do you still think
she's capable of murder?
351
00:18:04,336 --> 00:18:06,128
No, I was crazy for thinking that.
352
00:18:06,129 --> 00:18:09,591
No, you're not that complex.
You do need to stop being a scaredy cat.
353
00:18:19,517 --> 00:18:21,393
Whoa.
354
00:18:23,104 --> 00:18:24,606
Wow!
355
00:18:25,023 --> 00:18:27,566
- Oh, my gosh.
- You know, it is truly amazing
356
00:18:27,567 --> 00:18:29,777
that you can charter a yacht
357
00:18:29,778 --> 00:18:32,071
in the greatest city on
Earth for four dollars.
358
00:18:32,072 --> 00:18:33,697
Yeah.
359
00:18:33,698 --> 00:18:35,658
Is there a destination?
360
00:18:35,659 --> 00:18:37,868
- The tropics?
- You'll see.
361
00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:40,329
Pick your poison.
362
00:18:40,330 --> 00:18:42,040
Poison?
363
00:18:43,124 --> 00:18:44,209
Or...
364
00:18:45,001 --> 00:18:47,086
Hoo-wee!
365
00:18:47,087 --> 00:18:49,505
Now, we're talking.
366
00:18:49,506 --> 00:18:52,091
- Look, that joint has purple rolling paper.
- I know.
367
00:18:52,092 --> 00:18:53,384
Groovy-doobie.
368
00:18:53,385 --> 00:18:55,010
Do you doobie, baby?
369
00:18:57,097 --> 00:19:00,349
My 12th roommate, Babette Claus,
370
00:19:00,350 --> 00:19:02,601
gave me this back in 1978.
371
00:19:04,229 --> 00:19:06,606
- Wait, Babette? I-Is...
- Yeah.
372
00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:09,608
Is that the chorus girl
that got struck by lightning
373
00:19:09,609 --> 00:19:12,027
- skinny dipping in Central Park...
- Skinny dipping, Central Park Reservoir.
374
00:19:12,028 --> 00:19:15,155
- I know... Mm-hmm.
- Oh my... Okay, this is... this is insane.
375
00:19:15,156 --> 00:19:18,993
I rolled 10 joints for Babette
376
00:19:18,994 --> 00:19:22,455
using a purple streamer
from Studio 54 that year.
377
00:19:23,290 --> 00:19:25,082
- At Grace Jones'...
- Her 30th birthday party!
378
00:19:25,083 --> 00:19:26,083
Yes!
379
00:19:26,084 --> 00:19:28,669
- I was at that party! Yes, I was!
- No, you were not.
380
00:19:28,670 --> 00:19:30,087
Oh, my God!
381
00:19:30,088 --> 00:19:33,299
That's the only time
I ever got in there.
382
00:19:33,300 --> 00:19:36,553
This is ridic... I can't believe this.
I think I rolled that joint.
383
00:19:37,345 --> 00:19:40,347
- Now, spark it, baby!
- Wow.
384
00:19:42,100 --> 00:19:44,643
So I guess... I guess we've been
385
00:19:44,644 --> 00:19:47,480
running in the same circles
for a long time.
386
00:19:48,732 --> 00:19:51,151
- Oh, yes.
- It's a shame our orbits never crossed.
387
00:19:51,693 --> 00:19:54,111
Well, I may not have been on your radar,
388
00:19:54,112 --> 00:19:57,407
but you were certainly on mine.
389
00:19:59,576 --> 00:20:02,703
I would've killed to be in
one of your productions but...
390
00:20:02,704 --> 00:20:06,665
something always
happened to screw it up.
391
00:20:06,666 --> 00:20:09,627
Like my ponytail got stuck
in the subway doors once
392
00:20:09,628 --> 00:20:13,464
on the way to audition for your
Merry Wives.
393
00:20:13,465 --> 00:20:15,466
Oh, and then there was
the time Bernadette Peters
394
00:20:15,467 --> 00:20:18,344
gave me a bottled water
that was laced with Valium.
395
00:20:18,345 --> 00:20:20,638
And then I passed
out in the waiting room,
396
00:20:20,639 --> 00:20:23,391
and I missed the chance
to be your Annie Oakley.
397
00:20:23,808 --> 00:20:25,768
You made that all up, didn't you?
398
00:20:27,604 --> 00:20:28,896
Oh Jesus.
399
00:20:28,897 --> 00:20:31,941
Dear God. Oh my...
400
00:20:31,942 --> 00:20:32,983
Wow.
401
00:20:32,984 --> 00:20:34,985
Yeah, but you know,
it is always something
402
00:20:34,986 --> 00:20:38,823
just infuriatingly, um, banal.
403
00:20:39,449 --> 00:20:42,368
Like, "your accent is too authentic,"
404
00:20:42,369 --> 00:20:45,538
o-or, "casting doesn't like you,"
or... I don't know.
405
00:20:46,039 --> 00:20:48,833
You know, when I was a kid,
they called me Lucky Durkin
406
00:20:49,376 --> 00:20:52,671
because I won the
school raffle four times.
407
00:20:54,047 --> 00:20:56,215
But, since then...
408
00:20:59,469 --> 00:21:01,888
Some nickname that turned out to be.
409
00:21:02,931 --> 00:21:05,432
Maybe I'm just cursed.
410
00:21:06,893 --> 00:21:09,688
Or... it's probably...
411
00:21:10,105 --> 00:21:11,897
what I deserve.
412
00:21:11,898 --> 00:21:15,485
Oh, come on. What could you
have done to deserve being cursed?
413
00:21:21,700 --> 00:21:23,576
Open your mouth.
414
00:21:35,046 --> 00:21:37,549
That was super sexy.
415
00:21:38,300 --> 00:21:40,302
Am I crazy?
416
00:21:41,344 --> 00:21:42,720
I thi...
417
00:21:42,721 --> 00:21:45,598
I think the gap is handsome.
418
00:21:45,599 --> 00:21:48,809
Well, that might be
the 40-year-old weed taking effect,
419
00:21:48,810 --> 00:21:51,438
you know?
420
00:21:51,813 --> 00:21:56,400
♪ There let my dreams... ♪
421
00:21:56,401 --> 00:22:02,156
♪ Come true... ♪
422
00:22:06,661 --> 00:22:09,580
God, I can't believe you ever thought
Jonathan was...
423
00:22:09,581 --> 00:22:11,582
♪ A murdering man ♪
424
00:22:11,583 --> 00:22:14,293
That's still not a song, but cute.
425
00:22:14,294 --> 00:22:18,214
So, what, you solved the first two
murders just on your first try, I presume?
426
00:22:18,215 --> 00:22:21,508
Yeah, totally.
Between me, Charles, and Oliver,
427
00:22:21,509 --> 00:22:23,762
it's just, like, a one-day process.
428
00:22:24,221 --> 00:22:27,681
Well, lucky for me, this one's
taking you a little bit longer.
429
00:22:29,559 --> 00:22:31,602
Oh, there's Jonathan again.
430
00:22:34,606 --> 00:22:35,982
Who's he hugging hello?
431
00:22:36,733 --> 00:22:39,694
No! Don't look. Don't draw attention.
432
00:22:40,779 --> 00:22:42,614
Could Jonathan be...
433
00:22:43,281 --> 00:22:45,783
No, he wouldn't cheat on Howard.
434
00:22:45,784 --> 00:22:47,660
With who? There's somebody?
Describe him.
435
00:22:47,661 --> 00:22:50,663
Well, he looks like
he should be in a limo.
436
00:22:50,664 --> 00:22:52,623
Rider or driver, I can't tell.
437
00:22:52,624 --> 00:22:54,208
That's your description?
438
00:22:54,209 --> 00:22:58,128
- He's wearing a red coat and a cap.
- Huh.
439
00:22:58,129 --> 00:23:01,382
Oh, now Jonathan's
handing him an envelope,
440
00:23:01,383 --> 00:23:04,552
and the guy is giving
him a slip of paper?
441
00:23:04,553 --> 00:23:06,178
Okay, this is killing me.
I'm just gonna come to that side,
442
00:23:06,179 --> 00:23:07,638
- and we can both be watching.
- No!
443
00:23:09,766 --> 00:23:12,393
- Sorry! Sorry. You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
444
00:23:12,394 --> 00:23:14,311
I think we should stay
down here for a second.
445
00:23:14,312 --> 00:23:15,854
Yeah.
446
00:23:15,855 --> 00:23:17,231
- Okay, I gotta look.
- No, no, no, don't.
447
00:23:17,232 --> 00:23:18,816
You look, he'll definitely see you.
448
00:23:18,817 --> 00:23:20,901
I mean, unless we do the classic move
449
00:23:20,902 --> 00:23:23,529
from the secret spy movies
where the target looks,
450
00:23:23,530 --> 00:23:25,865
and just sees two unassuming
secret agents making out.
451
00:23:26,324 --> 00:23:28,033
Yeah, I don't think
that'll be necessary.
452
00:23:28,034 --> 00:23:29,952
- They didn't see us.
- Well.
453
00:23:35,792 --> 00:23:37,752
Ah, we should've done the kissing thing.
454
00:23:43,383 --> 00:23:44,884
What the hell?
455
00:23:44,885 --> 00:23:48,387
We need to figure out
who this guy in the cap is.
456
00:23:48,388 --> 00:23:50,180
Actually, I think I do know that guy.
457
00:23:55,103 --> 00:23:57,563
We were very tired.
458
00:23:57,564 --> 00:23:59,815
We were very merry.
459
00:23:59,816 --> 00:24:03,402
We had gone back and forth
all night on the ferry.
460
00:24:04,404 --> 00:24:06,406
This is really...
461
00:24:07,949 --> 00:24:09,783
really nice.
462
00:24:09,784 --> 00:24:11,912
It is.
463
00:24:13,330 --> 00:24:16,333
I'm sorry about earlier.
464
00:24:17,667 --> 00:24:19,460
At my place.
465
00:24:19,461 --> 00:24:21,795
I didn't mean to get weird about Ben.
466
00:24:21,796 --> 00:24:25,174
I just had an idea about tonight
467
00:24:25,175 --> 00:24:29,137
and talking about a dead person
just didn't feel like the mood.
468
00:24:29,679 --> 00:24:32,682
Well, it-it-it's alright
to talk about him.
469
00:24:33,475 --> 00:24:36,977
You know, I mean it-it's quite
the thing we all went through.
470
00:24:36,978 --> 00:24:38,395
- Yeah.
- It's just...
471
00:24:38,396 --> 00:24:40,898
that was a very...
472
00:24:40,899 --> 00:24:43,609
specific turn of phrase you used.
473
00:24:43,610 --> 00:24:45,152
"Fucking pig."
474
00:24:45,153 --> 00:24:47,905
Yeah, shit, because I...
475
00:24:47,906 --> 00:24:51,033
I did call him that.
476
00:24:52,619 --> 00:24:53,619
We had a fight.
477
00:24:53,620 --> 00:24:55,663
Yeah.
478
00:24:55,664 --> 00:24:58,290
Just half an hour before he
went on the stage that night.
479
00:24:59,626 --> 00:25:02,503
He said that I was obsessed with him,
480
00:25:02,504 --> 00:25:06,258
and that, uh, I had wormed
my way into the show
481
00:25:06,758 --> 00:25:10,595
and that he didn't really want to
share the stage with a no-name.
482
00:25:11,054 --> 00:25:14,515
So, I... Yeah, I snapped.
483
00:25:14,516 --> 00:25:16,225
"You fucking pig."
484
00:25:16,226 --> 00:25:18,227
Let go of me, you fucking pig!
485
00:25:21,189 --> 00:25:23,692
The last thing I said to him...
486
00:25:24,985 --> 00:25:27,487
before he collapsed. Ugh.
487
00:25:29,364 --> 00:25:30,865
But I was...
488
00:25:31,324 --> 00:25:34,785
far from the only person in that
theater who felt that way about him.
489
00:25:34,786 --> 00:25:37,289
He was an asshole to everybody.
490
00:25:38,790 --> 00:25:40,541
Even his...
491
00:25:40,542 --> 00:25:44,087
kind-hearted brother.
492
00:25:49,676 --> 00:25:52,888
But I'm really sorry you
didn't get your opening night.
493
00:25:55,015 --> 00:25:57,267
Well, I'm sorry he was terrible to you.
494
00:25:59,144 --> 00:26:00,853
I adore you,
495
00:26:00,854 --> 00:26:02,813
Loretta Lucky Durkin,
496
00:26:02,814 --> 00:26:05,566
and everything about you.
497
00:26:05,567 --> 00:26:08,444
Apart from that pork chop.
I'll never forgive you for that.
498
00:26:15,869 --> 00:26:17,244
Here we are.
499
00:26:17,245 --> 00:26:20,247
This is why I brought you
out on the ferry!
500
00:26:20,248 --> 00:26:22,082
What?
501
00:26:22,083 --> 00:26:23,876
Family tradition.
502
00:26:23,877 --> 00:26:27,087
When I was a girl,
whenever I lost a tooth,
503
00:26:27,088 --> 00:26:30,674
my mom would take me out
on the Mississippi River,
504
00:26:30,675 --> 00:26:33,010
on the ferry boat and
505
00:26:33,011 --> 00:26:35,137
when we got underneath a bridge,
506
00:26:35,138 --> 00:26:38,182
we'd throw the tooth overboard
507
00:26:38,183 --> 00:26:39,517
and make a wish.
508
00:26:40,018 --> 00:26:41,770
The Tooth Fairy can swim?
509
00:26:44,105 --> 00:26:45,814
- It's...
- Tooth ferry.
510
00:26:45,815 --> 00:26:47,399
- Tooth ferry!
- Yeah.
511
00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:50,778
- Okay, okay.
- I know, it's really corny.
512
00:26:50,779 --> 00:26:52,696
Oh, I-I'm a...
513
00:26:52,697 --> 00:26:55,699
- big fan of corny.
- Well, here's your tooth.
514
00:26:55,700 --> 00:26:58,077
Right. Alright.
515
00:27:06,336 --> 00:27:08,129
What'd you wish for?
516
00:27:29,442 --> 00:27:31,652
So who was he?
517
00:27:31,653 --> 00:27:34,780
That was... Thank you.
That was Ben's private doctor.
518
00:27:34,781 --> 00:27:36,532
One of those, uh, celebrity concierge,
519
00:27:36,533 --> 00:27:38,659
anything-you-need
prescription-filler types.
520
00:27:38,660 --> 00:27:40,869
He's actually come to see Ben
a few times this past year.
521
00:27:40,870 --> 00:27:42,705
Huh. You know what for?
522
00:27:42,706 --> 00:27:45,791
Uh, they never let me in the room.
I just know they call him Dr. C.
523
00:27:45,792 --> 00:27:48,043
Great, that's a perfect combination
524
00:27:48,044 --> 00:27:50,463
of mysterious and un-Googleable.
525
00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:54,049
But what was he talking
to Jonathan about?
526
00:27:54,050 --> 00:27:57,094
And if Jonathan was
paying him for something...
527
00:27:57,095 --> 00:27:59,180
You are so cute when you theorize.
528
00:28:02,434 --> 00:28:03,935
We should get outta here.
529
00:28:10,817 --> 00:28:13,319
Hey! I'm sorry you missed Sazz.
530
00:28:13,320 --> 00:28:15,029
She asked me to give you
a playful punch on the arm,
531
00:28:15,030 --> 00:28:17,364
but I don't wanna do that.
How'd the tasting go?
532
00:28:17,365 --> 00:28:18,991
I brought back 20 samples,
533
00:28:18,992 --> 00:28:21,785
so I wouldn't accidentally leave
a particular flavor behind
534
00:28:21,786 --> 00:28:24,663
and have you give me
the third degree about it.
535
00:28:24,664 --> 00:28:26,123
Oh, about that.
536
00:28:26,124 --> 00:28:28,244
I-I'm sorry I gave you a hard time
about the lipstick.
537
00:28:32,088 --> 00:28:34,298
I was backstage on opening night.
538
00:28:34,299 --> 00:28:35,674
Oh?
539
00:28:35,675 --> 00:28:37,885
Howard summoned me back there in a panic
540
00:28:37,886 --> 00:28:41,055
because Ben had a cosmetic emergency.
541
00:28:41,056 --> 00:28:44,183
I don't know, I guess
somebody hit him in the face,
542
00:28:44,184 --> 00:28:45,643
and left a big red mark,
543
00:28:45,644 --> 00:28:48,646
- and it needed covering, which I did.
- Oh, wow.
544
00:28:48,647 --> 00:28:52,108
I'm guessing that my lipstick fell out
of my clutch when I was back there.
545
00:28:55,654 --> 00:28:57,655
But I didn't write on his mirror
546
00:28:57,656 --> 00:29:00,492
because I didn't kill Ben, Charlie.
547
00:29:01,117 --> 00:29:03,410
Well, here's one I never told anyone.
548
00:29:03,411 --> 00:29:06,956
I may, uh... probably,
549
00:29:06,957 --> 00:29:09,417
have been the person who hit Ben.
550
00:29:10,210 --> 00:29:13,003
Let go of me, you fucking pig!
551
00:29:13,004 --> 00:29:14,213
What the hell's going on?
552
00:29:14,214 --> 00:29:16,298
- He attacked me!
- No, I didn't...
553
00:29:16,299 --> 00:29:18,592
We were rehearsing.
Stay out of it, fuckbag!
554
00:29:18,593 --> 00:29:19,593
Hey!
555
00:29:21,888 --> 00:29:25,141
Wait, you hit Ben? The night he died?
556
00:29:26,017 --> 00:29:27,851
And yet, for some reason,
557
00:29:27,852 --> 00:29:30,437
you've been thinking that
I could be the killer?
558
00:29:30,438 --> 00:29:31,897
Wh... For how long?
559
00:29:31,898 --> 00:29:33,274
- Oh, not long at all.
- Oh.
560
00:29:33,275 --> 00:29:36,777
I mean, at first, I was like,
"Joy? My Joy? No way!"
561
00:29:36,778 --> 00:29:38,988
But then,
Oliver and Mabel weren't so sure.
562
00:29:38,989 --> 00:29:42,199
Wh... You talked about this
with everyone else except me?
563
00:29:42,200 --> 00:29:45,077
And you still proposed
thinking all this?
564
00:29:45,078 --> 00:29:47,871
Well, you know, funny story.
565
00:29:47,872 --> 00:29:50,124
That was actually an accident.
566
00:29:50,125 --> 00:29:51,292
Accident?
567
00:29:51,293 --> 00:29:53,711
Well...
568
00:29:53,712 --> 00:29:56,630
No. Not a... I mean, it was, but then...
569
00:29:56,631 --> 00:29:58,674
You didn't mean to propose to me?
570
00:29:58,675 --> 00:30:00,426
No, I didn't.
571
00:30:00,427 --> 00:30:01,635
What?
572
00:30:01,636 --> 00:30:04,305
Wow. Okay.
573
00:30:04,306 --> 00:30:05,556
Gut punch.
574
00:30:07,934 --> 00:30:09,436
So...
575
00:30:11,187 --> 00:30:12,689
But...
576
00:30:16,192 --> 00:30:18,193
Do you wanna marry me now?
577
00:30:18,194 --> 00:30:21,113
I do! And it was great
that you left me with Sazz
578
00:30:21,114 --> 00:30:24,199
because she did this thing
with the fish tank, and a quiz.
579
00:30:24,200 --> 00:30:26,869
And it was like, uh,
"Is Joy a nymphomaniac?"
580
00:30:26,870 --> 00:30:28,954
Do you hear yourself right now?
581
00:30:28,955 --> 00:30:33,167
I think of all the years of you
in my makeup chair, Charlie.
582
00:30:33,168 --> 00:30:34,419
Joking.
583
00:30:35,462 --> 00:30:37,838
Little winks in the mirror.
584
00:30:37,839 --> 00:30:40,007
That kick in your step
when you hopped up,
585
00:30:40,008 --> 00:30:42,343
looking good to go to the set.
586
00:30:42,344 --> 00:30:45,721
I always thought we had
something special, Charlie!
587
00:30:45,722 --> 00:30:47,973
So I looked past all the stuff.
588
00:30:47,974 --> 00:30:50,142
Your ego, your self-absorption,
589
00:30:50,143 --> 00:30:52,311
your psoriasis elbows.
590
00:30:52,312 --> 00:30:54,856
- You gave me a cream...
- It's not working!
591
00:30:55,440 --> 00:30:57,149
You know, Charlie,
592
00:30:57,150 --> 00:30:59,985
I've been trying to
have an open dialogue
593
00:30:59,986 --> 00:31:01,988
about what we both want.
594
00:31:03,365 --> 00:31:06,367
But I'm kidding myself
to think you're really ready
595
00:31:06,368 --> 00:31:09,870
to open up to a woman as open as I am.
596
00:31:09,871 --> 00:31:12,748
I tried telling myself
you're gonna change,
597
00:31:12,749 --> 00:31:15,167
but I think it might
be too late for you.
598
00:31:15,168 --> 00:31:16,752
No.
599
00:31:16,753 --> 00:31:19,713
It's not too late
because I have realized
600
00:31:19,714 --> 00:31:21,924
you are Joy...
601
00:31:21,925 --> 00:31:23,717
and joy.
602
00:31:23,718 --> 00:31:26,095
And I can embrace both of you.
603
00:31:26,096 --> 00:31:28,222
And I want to, Joy.
604
00:31:28,223 --> 00:31:30,641
I do. I do.
605
00:31:35,939 --> 00:31:37,274
Embrace this.
606
00:31:40,860 --> 00:31:42,862
The engagement's off.
607
00:31:56,251 --> 00:31:58,752
Only two other men
have seen this before.
608
00:32:02,507 --> 00:32:04,842
I was pretty confident
going into tonight,
609
00:32:04,843 --> 00:32:08,179
but I did not expect to get
all the way to the Murder Board.
610
00:32:08,722 --> 00:32:11,807
- Wow, really?
- Due diligence.
611
00:32:11,808 --> 00:32:13,810
You really know how
to make a guy feel special.
612
00:32:14,769 --> 00:32:16,729
- May I?
- Uh, I...
613
00:32:16,730 --> 00:32:18,355
don't know.
I'm worried about your handwriting.
614
00:32:18,356 --> 00:32:19,566
You shouldn't be.
615
00:32:21,526 --> 00:32:22,526
Well...
616
00:32:27,949 --> 00:32:30,619
Look at us.
Real-life Rizzoli and Isles over here.
617
00:32:31,786 --> 00:32:33,203
What are you doing?
618
00:32:33,204 --> 00:32:34,706
Following the lead.
619
00:32:53,266 --> 00:32:56,727
I may not be good at dinner...
620
00:32:56,728 --> 00:33:00,440
But you excel at dessert.
621
00:33:07,155 --> 00:33:09,866
Shall I draw us a bath?
622
00:33:10,408 --> 00:33:12,410
- You have one in here?
- Well, it's...
623
00:33:13,370 --> 00:33:16,497
more of a glorified barrel.
624
00:33:16,498 --> 00:33:18,207
Sounds cozy-wozy.
625
00:33:39,521 --> 00:33:42,023
I will say one other thing about love.
626
00:33:42,774 --> 00:33:44,316
There are times
627
00:33:44,317 --> 00:33:47,570
when you've been totally blinded
628
00:33:47,571 --> 00:33:50,573
by the mirage of your own desires.
629
00:33:50,574 --> 00:33:51,992
Hm.
630
00:34:11,261 --> 00:34:14,930
And when the truth
of who you gave your heart to,
631
00:34:14,931 --> 00:34:17,641
of who they really are
632
00:34:17,642 --> 00:34:20,769
is suddenly staring
you right in the face?
633
00:34:22,522 --> 00:34:25,942
It might be a sign that things
just aren't meant to be.
634
00:34:27,110 --> 00:34:28,278
Or worse.
635
00:34:30,737 --> 00:34:33,116
_
636
00:34:36,701 --> 00:34:38,949
_
637
00:34:39,039 --> 00:34:40,039
Oliver?
638
00:34:42,626 --> 00:34:44,878
I'm waiting...
639
00:34:44,983 --> 00:34:51,609
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