Original subtitles

STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS: What is it, anyway? Did I do that?

Or was it always there? I should probably tell someone.

No, fuck that, I can't.

It's all Tommy's fault I found it in the first place.

Here, do you ever stick your finger up yer bum?

What? What are you on about, Tommy?

Well, I was up in the Gaeltacht last summer, right,

and I was getting with this absolute beauty.

You're such a spoofer.

No, I'm serious, right?

She was speaking away to me in Irish,

well, I haven't a clue what she was talkin' about,

but it was so hot.

You only find the Irish language sexy because your da was in the Ra.

My da wasn't in the IRA.

Then how come we found a box full of balaclavas under your stairs?

Cos he gets cold, he's got weak blood vessels.

Anyway...! We was out in one of the fields, right,

and things start to get a bit hot and heavy, do you know what I mean?

And she starts making all these Irish sex noises.

She asks me a question, I just nod my head. I can't even speak,

I'm in that much ecstasy, and next thing I know...

She shoves her finger right up my hole!

In your bum?! Tommy, that's stinkin'!

I'm telling you, it is unbelievable.

I'm addicted.

So now, like, once or twice a week, I sit down and really treat myself.

I put on some Sinead O'Connor

and explore the depths of my rect... Get away!

Rachael.

Need a hand? Aye, good one.

What do you have this for?

Art. It's for drawing,

so you have a reference.

So... can I have it back?

Yeah.

Ahhhh! My hand! No-o-o-o-o!

Fucking hell. MICK CHUCKLES

So, er, where's yous off to? Tescos, to grab some lunch.

Do you want to come with? What? With you?

Only if you're free. If you don't want to, it's fine. No, no, no...

Here, Mick! Ask them if they're up for a bit of anal play!

Not with you anyway, you wee rat! Let's go, Rachael.

You love it, Siobhan!

What the hell was that, Tommy? They love it!

No, they don't, you spoon! You scared them off!

He's right. Look, you'll never get a bird like that, Tommy.

You need to be more sensitive.

See, that's what Niamh likes about me.

When are we ever going to meet this Niamh?

She's very busy down in Newry.

Why don't you bring her up to Belfast for once?

You and Niamh, me and Siobhan, and Mick and Rachael.

She's well into you, man. Not any more, you dickhead.

Nah, she is.

Do you reckon?

Do you see that wooden hand?

I bet she shoves that right up her doot.

Oh, piss off!

THEY LAUGH

STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS: Maybe Rachael does like me,

but Tommy is always talking shite -

like this finger-up-the-bum craic.

What's that about?

I've never heard of sticking your finger up your bum before.

But then...

..I've never been with a girl either.

But if Tommy's doing it, maybe everyone's doing it.

And if everyone's doing it, I'm not going to be

the one weirdo who's not doing it!

I'm testing out the back door system.

# Cos it's easy

# Once you know how it's done

# You can't stop now

# It's already begun

# You feel it runnin' through your bones

# And you jerk it out... #

MUSIC FADES

STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS: What's that?!

What IS that?

Was that always there?

Shit, did I do that? Was I wanking too hard?

Michael! Dinner!

Yeah.

Sure, we always knew she was like that - it's all fur coat with her.

Still a couple of stalls to fill at this bloody charity thing.

Don't know why I'm doing it in the first place.

Oh, my God, are you serious?!

Here, two seconds.

Mum, I'm finished. Can I be excused?

Me, too.

What about the dishes?

BOTH: Bagsy not me!

You're slow off the mark today. You feeling OK?

Yeah. Grand.

You've barely touched your dinner, do you not like it?

Father Donal likes it when I cook it for him.

Why do we always have to eat leftovers from a priest?

Because I get paid to cook for him

and, if he has leftovers, they're not going to go to waste.

There's people starving all over this world. Now, come on.

They'll put hairs on your chest.

What, are you not hungry?

Hmm. Oh, for God's sake, fine, leave it.

I'll do these, you go on up and do your homework. Honest to God.

SHE SIGHS HEAVILY

Ye-o, ten kills! Suck my hairy ballbag!

How are you on ten already? Ah, shite.

I've got magic fingers, just ask your ma.

My ma says you're shite. Oh, come on, come on!

Tommy and Conor's ma, ye-e-o! Ah, your ma's your da, Mick!

Conor, don't be like that!

Ah, shit. I didn't mean to bring up your da.

It's grand. It's just what you say.

I know, but...

Oh, fuck's sake, Mick, that was never a kill!

Um, here, lads...

What?

Well, um...

Yes, shotgun, sweet!

Well...

HE STUTTERS I was trying out, you know,

earlier on, the pokey bum wank thing and...

You stinker! You actually tried that?!

No, I was going to, but...

You're absolutely rotten. Why would you even do that?

Ye-o! My influence spreads far and wide.

It's good, isn't it?!

Well, I didn't actually...

Yes! Yes! Got you, Mick, you're dead!

Ah, shit.

Ha, you can't play properly with all that shite on your fingers!

What?!

It was your idea, Tommy! Anyway...

It's not about that. It was afterwards... Ye-o-o!

Shitey Fingers Mick! I found... Shitey Fingers Mick...

Can you just shut up for two seconds? I'm trying to...

BOTH CHANT: Shitey Fingers Mick! Shitey Fingers Mick! Fuck off!

CONTROL CLATTERS Pricks.

DOOR OPENS

What's all that effin' and blinding about? Nothin'.

What is wrong with you this evening?

Come on, there's clearly something wrong. What's up?

How did Dad first know he was sick?

You want to know about that?

I've just been thinking about it.

Well, um...

..it was around Easter, um...

..when he realised something was wrong,

so that was... That was... what?

About a year, year and a half before he died.

Because we were on holiday in Donegal, in Jackson's...

Do you remember Jackson's Hotel in Ballybofey?

The one where you wet the bed? Mum!

Well, uh, yeah, we were there

and, uh, we were in the pool... and he...

..couldn't lift his arm to make a stroke.

Yeah, I gave off stink to him, you know, I just kept saying,

"Oh, in the name of God, Jimmy, when was the last time you were swimming?

"You're not fit, you need to join a gym! Blah, blah, blah, blah..." But...

No, he was... SHE SIGHS

He was obviously worried that the feeling in his arm, you know...

..it wasn't right.

PHONE RINGS

RINGING STOPS

HE EXHALES

SOFTLY: What has you thinking about your dad?

You've... You've never really... spoken about him before.

I-I don't know.

Don't remember much about him.

Well...

Anything you want to know, you just ask, OK?

Any time you want, we'll talk about him.

Big eejit that he was.

PHONE RINGS IN DISTANCE

I'll get it!

Or you can talk to him.

He won't talk back, but...

..he's listening.

Mick! It's Tommy for you!

What does he want? I don't know, do I?

You know, I could ask Father Donal to talk to you.

I'm not talking to a priest.

All right, Tommy? Why aren't you answering your phone?

Making me ring your house phone like a weirdo.

Least I got to speak to your sister, though.

She's gaggin' for the ride! TOMMY GIGGLES

Shut up. What do you want? Well, I've got big news,

but you bitched out of the game before I could tell you.

You've got a date this Saturday!

A date, what?

Aye, I got onto Siobhan. Me and her, you and Rachael,

hitting up the cinema. Are you serious?

Rachael actually said she wanted to go with me, like? Well...

I mean, I didn't actually speak to Rachael. Siobhan's sorting it.

OK, OK. Wow. Class. What's on?

Well, it doesn't matter what film's on, you spanner!

Dark room, back row, cut a hole in the bottom of the popcorn box.

No-one actually does that, do they?

Well, I mean, they don't actually do the popcorn box thing, but...

..it's just a bit of wee hand-shandy in the cinema...

Everyone's doing it!

Siobhan and Rachael are well up for it, man! See you the morra!

CALL DISCONNECTS

STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS: A date?! With Rachael?! Fucking right!

But what if she wants to touch my ball?

She'll freak out and probably tell everyone!

Mum! Get out! Oh, Jesus!

What are you doing, Mum?! Calm yourself down.

It's nothing I haven't seen before. I gave birth to you,

for Christ's sake. Mu-u-um!

All right! Just keep the door locked in future.

HE SIGHS Fuck's sake!

KNOCK ON DOOR What now?!

Hurry up! I need to shave my legs, I'm meeting Danny.

Can a man not shit in peace?! That's no way to talk to a lady!

You'll never get a girlfriend if you carry on like that.

Piss off!

CONSCIOUSNESS: Shit. How do you speak to a girl on date?

Is it just normal chatting or what?

Look, there's no rules or anything. Niamh and I just get along.

Just any advice you have, please.

All right, but give me a hand, would you?

First thing, buying the snacks.

Popcorn only.

Stay away from chocolate.

But... I'm a Malteser man.

Aye, and I'm mad for a bag of mint Aero bubbles,

but I gotta stick to popcorn.

You buy a bag of chocolate, it gets all over your hands.

Next thing you know, you've got chocolate stains

all over her white jeans

and then she'll be calling you Shitey Fingers Mick.

Popcorn's grand, sure, especially if you share,

gives you more opportunities to brush up against her hand.

Next thing - hand-holding. It's important not to get trapped.

Trapped? Right...

You're in the cinema, she's sitting next to you,

the film starts up. Your hands are very close together...

..you probably should reach out and hold it. Right, yeah.

How long do you hold it for?

Oh... Just for a while?

Well, you can't let go - she'll get offended.

So now you're stuck holding her hand for the whole film.

120 minutes of your hand just getting sweatier and sweatier

and sweatier, till she thinks you've got some sort of

sweating disease and it's contagious and she never holds your hand again!

So... How long should I hold her hand for?

Well, on average, I'd say, um...

I'd say you tease it for the first half-hour.

Then hold it for the next half-hour

and, by that point, you should be kissing.

And you just keep kissing for the rest of the film.

Shit.

Right...

Unless... Unless what?

Well, unless there's a sex scene. You know, if there's a sex scene,

you HAVE to start making out immediately - that's the rule.

OK. Yeah.

TAPPING ON GLASS

Oh, right.

I'd better go, my dad's picking me up.

Off to the driving range!

I thought you were with Niamh this weekend?

Oh, no. She's... not well, so...

Look, you'll do great, Mick. Just remember what I told you

and everything else is common sense.

Clean shirt, right? Deodorant and...

You might want to shave!

Do you know how to...?

Just... I know your da's not around, so do you need me to show you how?

Fuck's sake, Conor, I know how to shave.

I've done it loads of times. I'm not an idiot.

Yeah, right, sorry. Well, um, fresh shave then.

CONSCIOUSNESS: Wait.

Can you see it through my trousers?

Has it...?

It has, it's definitely gotten bigger.

Shit, I'm going to have to sort it myself.

I could try squeezing it.

Freezing it.

Ooh!

Holy water?

CHOIR HARMONISES

Or... spraying it?

Shit!

Fuck.

You can definitely still see it.

That'll have to do.

Mum? Mum? Hmm-Hmm?

I need a...

What is it?

Well, well, I need a, you know?

The next time you're out, could you pick me up something?

In the name of God what is it you're after? A razor!

A razor? Yeah, you know, I need a shave.

No, you don't, you're only... I'm 15.

I'm not a child, Mum. Right.

Good. Right. Uh, absolutely, I can get that for you.

Um, and do you know...? Can you actually...? Do you know how to...?

I know how to shave, Mum.

I just need a razor. Right.

Good. I'll be out and about tomorrow, and I'll get you one then.

No, I need it for tonight. I'm going out.

Where? Cinema, with Tommy.

Why do you need to shave to go to the cinema? Sure, who'd be lookin' at you?

Mum, I need it for tonight, please!

Look, Michael, I'm just back in from the shops,

I'm not going out again. And me and Finn have to go meet

Father Donal to pick up the raffle prizes. Mum! I need it!

Aye, I'll just tell the Motor Neurone Disease charity

that we didn't raise enough money because my son needed a shave.

Look, what time will you be finished at the night

and I'll get Lucy to pick you up? I don't need looking after.

I'll get the bus. Don't be silly, she can give you a lift.

I'll get you one tomorrow, I promise!

FOOTSTEPS RETREAT UPSTAIRS, DOOR CLOSES

SHE SIGHS

Shaving.

That's the next bloody thing.

Desperate times.

Ah, there he is.

Hey. All right? Hi.

Hey, Mick.

All right, ladies, shall we? All right.

You're paying!

Jesus, what the fuck did you shave with?

A cheese grater?! Is it really noticeable?

Why you wearing a jacket round your waist like a weirdo?

Don't be ruining this for us!

Nah, nah, it's cool. I won't.

Popcorn?

No thanks. I prefer chocolate, really.

Really?

What about Maltesers? I'm not a big fan.

We'll get popcorn. OK.

One popcorn, please. Salt or sweet?

Salt. Sweet, please.

Sweet.

We can do a mix.

Sweet's good. No, we'll get a mix, please.

No, no, I don't even like salted anyways. OK.

Regular or large?

Large?

You're the closest thing to a parent any of them will ever have.

It's tough, being in this...

OK, OK. Going well.

Bit early to start holding hands yet.

Just tease it, as Conor said.

Wait, Tommy's doing it already!

No. Stick to your guns, wait a half-hour.

Shit, she's going in! It's too soon.

Just a drink.

Right! Cool, cool.

Oh, shit. She's going for the ball!

Quick, do something! Do something!

Are you inviting me back to your apartment?

Oh, no.

Sex scene. This is it.

WOMAN MOANS ON SCREEN

I can't do it.

I'm pathetic.

He do it on purpose?

So, here, I'm going to bring Siobhan around the corner,

so I can get a feel. Leave you and Rachael to do the same.

OK. Yeah. Good man.

I'm glad you came out tonight.

I'm glad you did.

It was fun. Yeah, I thought so, too.

Are you cold? Yeah, it's freezing!

Pff, it's not that cold.

So... Yeah?

Can I...?

Well, I mean, can we...

..kiss?

Smooth.

I'd like that.

Just...

No touching below the belt.

What?

Oh, you know, just keep it above the belt.

Boxing joke. What did you think I was going to do? Nothing, I just...

I'm not going to give you a hand job in the middle of a car park, like!

No, no! That's disgusting! No, seriously... Sorry, I need to go.

Please!

It wasn't anything like that.

It was just a stupid joke.

I'm sorry.

I'm nervous.

Yeah? Yeah.

To be honest, I've been shitting myself all day. Me, too.

What? Why would you be nervous?

You're great.

BASSY MUSIC APPROACHES

What's that? What's what? CAR HORN HONKS

Get your hand off my boyfriend, you dirty who-o-ore! Who-o-o-o!

What's your problem?! Hurry up! Two seconds!

That's my sister and her boyfriend. RACHAEL CHUCKLES

I'm going to kill them. I'm going to actually kill them.

How'd it go? Yeah, it went well.

Did you get with her? Yeah.

Oh, go on, then, gi's a sniff. Get to fuck!

Let's go, big man! I'm coming!

Better get on then.

Yeah, OK.

OK, well... See you soon, Rachael.

Well? I'm not speaking to you.

You l-i-i-i-ike her. Shut up, Lucy!

CONSCIOUSNESS: She felt it.

What if it just keeps getting bigger and bigger?

What if it's something really serious?

Holy fuck!