All language subtitles for Fresh Off The Boat s05e05 Mo Chinese Mo Problems.eng

Hey, doggie!

♪♪

Beautiful garden.

Hmm.

♪♪

[doorbell rings]

Greetings.
My name is Evan Huang,

and I'm a volunteer
for the United States Census.

Do you have a moment
to answer a few questions?

[gasps]

[suspenseful music plays]

♪♪

-A bowl of chili...
-[chuckles]

...an Ernest Goes To...
movie on the TV...

Ow!

...doesn't get
much better than this.

[door opens][both laugh]

Dad, Dad!

Evan, are you okay?

I don't know.
I saw something.

What happened?
What'd you see?

I saw...

[softly]
other Chinese people.

[gasps]

♪♪

♪ Fresh off the boat♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine
everywhere I go♪

♪ If you don't know, homey,
now you know♪

♪ Fresh off the boat♪

♪ Homey, you don't know
where I come from♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin'♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat♪

So you saw
a Chinese couple?

Yep. They must've just moved
to the neighborhood.

[laughs]
I dreamed this day would come.

I have to tell your mother.

Uh, sorry, pal,

but we're gonna have to
put a pin in our plans.

Oh, just a reminder now.

Honey and I
only have small windows

between baby naps
to have fun.

I taped
the last season of ER,

and I am going to devour it
one nap at a time.

Uh-huh.
You know, for a while there,

I thought the show
was called Er.

I keep begging her,
give Chicago Hopea shot,

but she won't have it.

He's long gone.

♪♪

DEIDRE: Okay, ladies.

First point of business

is the annual fundraiser.

This year, we're gonna be

taking donations to refurbish

the "We Are The World" mural

at the Community Center.

♪♪

Why are all the kids
white?

I've got a better idea.

Tear down this racist mural

so we can move on
to addressing the epidemic

that is destroying
our neighborhood.

And what, pray tell,
might that be?

Three words.

Low rise jeans.

-Oh, come on!
-They're very flattering.

This trendy jean
is a menace.

Every time I step outside,
all I see are Whale Tails.

Whale Tails?

T-shaped underwear

sticking out
the top of jeans.

It's disgusting.

Jessica, the HOA

cannot enforce a dress code.

And frankly,

if beautiful celebrities
like Rene Russo can wear them,

then so can the beautiful mamas
in this subdivision.

Am I right?

[laughter]

I'm surrounded
by tramps.

[indistinct conversations]

What is it, Louis?
I'm extremely angry,

so whatever it is
you have to say,

I will likely respond
poorly to.

There's another Chinese family
in the neighborhood!

[gasps]

I cannot go
to that community pool again.

The water is filthy.

EVAN: [scoffs]

Whoa, buddy,
it's okay.

We all reach a point in our

lives when our interest in girls

reaches a whole new level.

Gross. No.

I'm hiding the private data
I've gathered for the Census.

You always find

fresh ways to be boring.

Um, why is there
a photo of a classy woman

above your desk?

That's
Martha Farnsworth Riche.

The Director of the Census,

a.k.a. my boss, a.k.a.

what gets me up in the morning.

So boring,
it's amazing.

I'm entrusted to ask citizens

questions about their household,

and they trust me
as a Census-taker

to answer those questions
honestly.

Nothing boring
about that.

♪♪

If we worked
for the Census,

we could ask people
whatever we wanted,

and they would
haveto answer.

But we don't work
for the Census.

Or do we?

♪♪

So this is the house
where Evan saw them?

Split-level, not bad.

Come on, let's go
knock on the door and introduce ourselves.

Oh, wait.

Is it too much?

That tree is beautiful.

I just don't want
our first impression

to be trespassing
on their property

while holding
a really specific present.

You're right. What we need is
an idyllic meet-cute moment,

like in the best
romantic comedies. Mm-hmm.

We each drop an orange
at the grocery store.

We bend down to pick it up,
and then we all lock eyes.

Some song from The Cure plays,
and we're off to the races.

That's good.

Or we follow them
when they leave the house

and bump into them
in public.

Oh, I love it.

They're really taking their time
at this all-you-can-eat buffet.

Well,
it's a great sign.

Our mutual love of
quantity-over-quality food

will be the bedrock
of our friendship.

[door opens]

There they are.

They're beautiful.

But where are
their to-go boxes?

Would we ever leave
an all-you-can-eat restaurant

without ribs
for the road?

[car door opens]They're at their car.
It's time.

Okay. Remember.

When we meet them,

let's just play it cool
and see how it goes.

No promises.

Let me just get our prop,
and we'll head over.

We'll stroll by, pretending
to read this newspaper,

and look surprised
to see them.

Sound good?

Oh -- Jessica?

[squeals]

We're so happy
you're here.

[laughs]

We've dreamed
of this day.

♪♪

Us, too.

Us, too.

[gasps]

Is that a take-out box
in your purse?

ELAINE: It is.

[laughter]

[voice breaking]
We're so happy you're here.

Taiwan, two years ago.

That's the last time
we saw Chinese people

that weren't family.

Mm.
Three years ago for us.

Back where we lived
in Georgia,

we once saw
a Chinese face

in the window
of a passing bus.

Wow, near miss.

No, no,
we chased after the bus.

Ran six blocks,
full speed.

Caught up to the bus
at the next stop,

but I didn't have any change
to get on board.

So I yelled, "Chinese face.
I've been looking for you.

Get off the bus."
[sighs]

He thought about it
and said no.

He'd already paid
for the fare.

Ohh, so Chinese.

Disappointing, but I get
where he's coming from.

Mm-hmm.Long story short,

we're very happy
to have met you.

[laughter]

So, how are you
liking Orlando?

Oh, I love it,

but the humidity
is killing my hair.

I'm usually four times
more beautiful than this.

Me, too.

But the reduction
in beauty

means less Jewish guys
hit on me at the gas pump.

Oh.

Okay, serious question.

Are there any grocers here
that sell tofu?

There were none
in Georgia.

I miss tofu so much.

Took months to find.

Greeno's in Rose Isle.

The hippie owner Pam
wears a bandana on her head.

Oh, you're a lifesaver.

I'll have my son, Horace,
pick some up for me.

Oh, you have a son, too!

I have three --
Eddie, Emery, and Evan.

Three sons?

Oh, you must be so proud.

Well, the first two are...

solid.

But my youngest, Evan,
he's a real genius.

He recently
skipped a grade.

Sounds just like
my Horace.

He skipped 2 grades,
went to Harvard at 16,

and now runs
his own small business.

You're living the dream.

Mm.

I love that you opened
an American steakhouse.

Well, you know,
I'm Chinese through and through,

but I'm 100% American.

Oh, me, too.

I mean,
if I had a choice,

I'd eat apple pie
for breakfast.

My favorite cut of steak
is "any."

When asked
if I'm religious,

I say I believe
in the Dallas Cowboys.

My firstborn's middle name
is "Elvis."

When I'm on hold
on the phone,

I doodle bald eagles
on a notepad.

When the wife and kids
are out of town,

I roll my own cigarettes,

and I light them with a match
I strike off my boot.

[laughs]

[laughs]

[sighs] So, at
the grocery store last week,

a stranger came up to me
and asked

which aisle
the soy sauce was in.

Did you tell him
it was in "Aisle Slap"?

No.

I did know where it was,
so I told him.

But afterwards
in the car,

I screamed
for like 10 minutes.

My HOA wanted to refurbish
a "We Are The World" mural

that only has white children
in it.

Ugh.
I voted to tear it down,

but they don't see
the problem.

Forget tearing it down.

Make them add
an Asian face to it.

[sighs]

Trust me, my HOA
has more white ladies

than a Neil Diamond
concert,

except they're not aroused --
They're bitter,

and they won't listen.

Oh, they will this time.

Now that
there's two of us here,

we can set them up
for a Racism Trap.

I hate racism,
and I love a trap.

Tell me more.

Hi, I'm Rick, and this is
my assistant, Claude.

We work for the Census.

Do you mind if we ask you
a few questions?

Sure, be happy to.

Great.

How many people live
in your household?

Just two,
me and my husband.

Great.
And do you have a pool?

Yes, we do.

[chuckles]

Oh, excellent,
excellent.

And what hours do you leave
this pool unattended?

A, all day?

B, 9:00 to 5:00?

C, Nights and weekends?

Or D, Other,
please specify.

♪♪

[indistinct conversations]

Jessica, relax on the pastries.
Let's get this meeting started.

Um, I'm not Jessica.

Oh, do we all
look alike to you?

Um...

No?
[chuckles nervously]

She was turned around, she has
black hair, and she's wearing

that same dress
that you always wear.

Though I must say,
she wears it better.

Do you ever mix up any
of these other ladies' names?

I wonder what's different
about me and Elaine.

Hmm...
Hmm...

[women murmuring]

Okay. What can I do
to fix this?

That mural
you're repainting?

Make one of those white kids
Chinese.

And the kid's eyes
need to be the same size

as all the others.

None of that
lines-for-eyes crap.

Deal.

Okay. So we good?
All forgiven?

Jessica, are we good,

or is there anything else
that would help you

to feel better
about this situation?

♪♪

...so then Elaine
gave me the opening,

and I made Deidre
ban low rise jeans.

Oh, great, because I know that's
coming to men's fashion soon,

and I am not comfortable
with it.

[sighs] I've never met
someone like her,

you know,
someone who is almost my equal.

We're so in sync,
like that music group,

Backstreet Boys.

Julius is just as amazing.
He's so cool.

And you know
I'm pretty cool, too,

so we're totally vibing
off of each other.

It's cool.

Guess we're talking
about you now.

He's coming over tomorrow
to watch the Cowboys game.

And Marvin's
gonna come by, as well.

Three bulls.

Okay, back to me,

Elaine is taking me to brunch
in the morning.

But you hate brunch. You call it
lazy man's breakfast.

If Elaine likes it,
I'll give it a shot.

Apparently,
you can drink during the day,

and it's not sad.

[knock on door]

Hi! My name is Evan Huang,
and I'm with the U.S. Census.

Another Census
questionnaire?

I just answered one yesterday
with two other Asian kids.

Sorry, I can't handle
any more questions

about my pool.

Pool?

Lord, give me strength,

for I am a quivering volcano
of rage.

A toast to our success
at the HOA.

The mural is down.

And the jeans are up.
Mm.

[glasses clink]

If we have nothing else,
we have each other's back.

We need to find
our next target.

Mm.
There's a man down my street

with a Shih Tzu
named "Chinatown"

that needs to be
taken down a notch.

Oh, I forgot to tell you.

My son drove to that tofu place
you recommended

and picked some up.

What a sweet young man.

You know,
I sent Eddie once,

and he came back
with pizza and a lamp.

Oh. [chuckles]
Mm.

♪♪

I've never
done this before,

but this moment
feels so right.

Elaine Lee,

will you do me the honor
of giving me parenting advice?

Jessica.

Of course. I'd love to.

Horace is
such a great kid.

I want my sons
to turn out just like him.

Well, for me,

the key was
confusing the child.

If he got an A,
sometimes I'd act happy,

and sometimes
I'd be displeased.

He never knew what was coming,
so he worked even harder.

So instead of no praise,
inconsistent praise.

Mm-hmm.Oh, I love it.

Try it and report back.

[sighs] Well, uh,
shall we get the check? Sure.

I've had
a couple of drinks.

I'm gonna go call Horace
to get me a ride home.

Excuse me.

[jazz piano plays]

I'm friends
with Chinese Oprah.

[chuckles]

I'm Chinese Gayle.

♪♪

So, you're
a big football fan, huh?

I am,
but the last couple years,

I've been so busy
with the restaurant, I've fallen off a bit.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, hey, hey.
Sorry I'm late.

I finally got Maria
down for her nap,

though she'll probably
get up any second now.

No, let the patient die,
Margulies.

It's your relationship
with Clooney

that's on life support.

Uh, Marvin, Julius.
Julius, Marvin.

Hey.Great to meet you.

Julius, all right.
[laughs]Yeah.

Whoa.
Yeah.

Are those
homemade tortilla chips?

Oh, yeah.Oh!

I spent the summer
after junior high

hitchhiking
through Mexico.

I met a little, uh,
chica bonita

who taught me how to make love
and cook with lard.

Yeah.
[laughs]

Hey, so are your guys
putting up a fight,

or did Michael Irvin

have them at the strip club
all night?

Oh, hey.
Wouldn't matter.

Your Dolphins start
a 50-year-old QB

with a knee brace
the size of an oil barrel.

Hoo-hoo!
[laughs]

Uh-oh, a couple ball busters
going at it.

Yeah, you on the ledge
about passing on Randy Moss

for that 8th pick, huh?Ah. No, don't need him.

Chan Gailey's offense
has looked really good.

Yeah.
Wait, who's Chan Gailey?

Gailey's helped you guys out.
I have to admit that.Uh-huh.

I liked his concepts
for Kordell Stewart at Pittsburgh.

Thank God he didn't
try to put Aikman in the "slash" role here.

Aikman at flanker?[both laugh]

[laughs]
Aikman? No way.

Okay, whoa.

These chips you made
are insane.

Mm-hmm.Do you make a lot
of stuff at home?

As much as I can.

Right now, my passion
is homemade sausage.

Oh, I love making
homemade sausage.

I find the key is,

the quality
of the intestines...The quality of the intestines...

...for the casings....for the casings.

What?!
[laughs]

Oh, all right.

You're all right.
Yeah.

Uh, you know,
I've never been a-a sausage guy.

I'm more of a bacon man
myself.

So what's
your go-to meat grinder?

It's not
about the machine.

It's about the man
behind the machine.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

Hmm. Yeah.[laughs]

Oh, I would love that.Yeah. Oh, that's me.

Hey,
can I give you a ride?

Oh, sure.

It's so nice
Horace called you a cab.

Called?

No, he's driving the cab.[horn honks]

Hey, Mom.

Somebody was just wearing
Jordache cologne in here.

Just want to let you know.

How have the fares
been today?

Oh, SeaWorld to Disney
is on fire.

[thinking] Her "successful"
Harvard graduate son

drives a cab?

Do you like the beaded
seat cushion I got you?

Well, I think it's okay,
but my back is loving it.

[rattling]It's like getting a massage
every time I move.

[chuckles]

Something isn't right.

He must own
the entire cab company.

Yeah, that's gotta be it.

Oh, wow, that was fast.
We're here.

Do you think Horace would mind
dropping me off on his way home?

What do you mean?
I amhome.

[car doors open, close] He lives with his parents?

What the hell is going on here?

[knocks]

Do you want to get out?

This is kinda
how dogs die.

So, uh, while we wait
for Louis to pick you up,

you care for a tour?

Of your lie factory?

I'd love to.

It's embarrassing,
but most of our wall space

is dedicated
to Horace.

And here's his diploma.

Okay, at least
the degree is real.

Horace Lee.

Bachelor's Degree in Art.

Isn't it amazing?

Art?

You spent 200 grand
on an art degree?

And it didn't cost us
a dime.

He got
a full scholarship.

Oh, at least it didn't
cost him anything.

He started off
as Pre-Med...

[chuckles]
...but then switched majors.

It cost him everything!

Oh, and this,
in my opinion,

is his finest work.

Bill Gates offered him
quite a lot to buy it.

But Horace
refused to sell.

He doesn't believe in
commercializing his creativity.

Horace is a dud!

Elaine completely misled me.

Jessica,

the way
you're staring at me,

I'm sensing
a lot of judgment.

I haven't said
anything judgmental.

Your face and posture
say it all.

Betrayed by my beautiful face.

You're wondering why you took
parenting advice from me

when you disapprove of my son
so much.

She's in my head.

Uh, what do I do, what do I do, what do I do?

Horace might not be
youridea of a success,

but I'm proud of him,

and you have
no right to judge.

I should leave.

Yes, you should.

How did she hear that?

♪♪

How much time till we move
to the Gibsons' pool?

According to our data,

we have four hours
till the owners come home.

[amplified]
Incorrect!

Your time is up!

EDDIE: How did you --

What are you talking about?
It -- It's our friend's pool.

Cut the crap, Edwyn.

Relax,
it's a victimless crime.

Victimless?

The people's trust in the Census
has been eroded.

I'm sorry, bro,
we're not leaving.

[amplified] Eddie Elvis Huang
sleeps with a stuffed animal.

Emery No-Middle-Name Huang
waxes his chest.

Whoa, whoa,
what are you doing?

If you don't
get out of this pool,

I'm visiting the houses
of everyone you know

and announcing
more embarrassing facts.

[amplified] Justice is served,
Census sty--

[bullhorn squeals]Aah!

Thanks for getting me
out of that house of horrors.

Elaine totally misled me
on her son.

To think I almost thought
she was my equal.

I'm out
on the Lee family, too.

I think Julius is trying

to hijack
my friendship with Marvin.

He comes into my house --
myhouse --

and disrespects me
like that?

Al Pacino?

No, that's not
a Pacino impression.

That's just
me being angry.

Wait,
is that Julius' truck...

at Marvin's?

[laughs]
This is good.

Yeah.
[door slams]

Glad to see you two are
having fun. Guess I was busy.

Hey, Louis,
how's it going?

You liking Marvin's
meat grinder, Julius?

We used to use that
to prep beef for our chili.

Or are you two
yucking it up

about how the Cowboys
need to start Marchand

or Lowenstein
or who the hell cares?

Don't tell me.
Al Pacino.

No, I'm angry!

Julius here is trying
to steal my best friend!

It's so --

It's -- It's not cool!

What?

[scoffs]

I thought that Julius
was going to steal youfrom me.

You did?

I mean, you dropped chili
and -- and Ernest

to go meet him.

You know I can't watch it alone.
I laugh too hard.

And you always
bring me back.

You got nothing to worry about.
I could never replace you.

Plus,
Jessica would kill me

if I lost the discounts
on your dentistry.

[laughs]
Okay.

[both laugh]

Maybe I should just
get my casings and go.

Oh, no.

We were making
a sausage sampler for you.

Maybe turn you into
a "sausage man."

Really?

[sighs]

I am so sorry, guys.

I got carried away.

Well...

Well, okay.

[Marvin laughs]

Hey, why don't we cook up
a few links and watch Ernest?

Together.

HONEY: Hey!

I know you guys
are doing something,

but can you
take it outside?

Really, Margulies?

It took curing
a methadone-addicted baby

for you to realize
what you have with Clooney?

♪♪

[indistinct conversations]

Not a low rise jean
in sight.

I did it.
I changed the world.

Think you spoke too soon.

♪ The ladies will kick it♪

♪ The rhyme that is wicked♪

♪ Those that don't know
how to be pros get evicted♪

DEIDRE:
Aren't you two friends?

Why would she disrespect you
like that?

Oh, I can't wait
to find out.

Jenny McCarthy,
what are you doing here?

I wasn't going to miss
the unveiling.

And I knew
you'd be here,

so I figured
I'd give you plenty to judge,

since that's
what you do best.

♪♪

[snores]

Ugh. This argument
is a snoozer!

Everyone,
thank you for coming

and for your support
to refresh this mural.

Without further ado,
I give you "We Are The World."

[crowd gasps, murmurs]

♪♪

You gave the Chinese kid
a math book?

You think that's all
Chinese kids can do?

I don't really
see the problem.

Being good at math
is good.

This is so frustrating.

Forget it,
you are all not worth it.

No, wait.

This isn't okay.

♪♪

It doesn't matter
if it's a good stereotype.

A stereotype
is a stereotype.

Yes, some Chinese kids
enjoy schoolwork.

But some also want to be
rappers, tennis players...

or great painters.

Their parents are proud of them
for what they are

and just want to see them
represented that way.

Wouldn't you want the same
for your own kids?

[crowd murmuring]

Well, I think
it's unanimous.

We'll change
the mural.

Yes.[cheers and applause]

Thank you
for saying that.

You know,
we might not always get along,

but you were right.

If nothing else,
we have each other's backs.

♪♪

I'm sorry I judged you
and your cabbie-artist son.

And if he's willing,

I think Horace should be the one
to fix the mural.

♪♪

He'd be honored.

I'll ask him when his
harmonica lesson gets out.

[thinking] Yikes. [thinking] I know.

That looks much better.

♪♪

You did a great job,
Horace.

Thanks, Jessica.

By the way, I saw your book
in the dollar bin.

No shame in that.
I bought it and loved it.

You and me, we're not
so different, right?

Just two Chinese artists.

Uh-huh.

Oh, Elaine,
meet my kids.Oh.

[amplified] Sorry, Mommy,
no time for chitchat.

The Census demands I escort
these perps to the pool.

How am I supposed to go back
to the public pool

after tasting private?

Back to swimming
in Band-Aid water.

Quiet, Waxy,
keep on moving!

I can see
why he's your favorite.

[chuckles]

--Captions by VITAC--

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