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00:00:02,731 --> 00:00:04,065
Eddie: Every Saturday,
it seemed like
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00:00:04,099 --> 00:00:06,167
all the guys in my school
went to a sleepover.
3
00:00:06,201 --> 00:00:07,935
And every Monday,
they'd brag about it
4
00:00:07,970 --> 00:00:09,937
in front of kids
who weren't invited... Like me.
5
00:00:09,972 --> 00:00:11,605
Trent: Man,
we ate so much cereal.
6
00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:13,975
Yeah, we did.
Remember when Doug wet the bed?
7
00:00:14,009 --> 00:00:16,977
Sploosh! It's not a party
till my sleeping bag's flooded!
8
00:00:17,012 --> 00:00:18,713
[Laughs] Yeah.
9
00:00:19,848 --> 00:00:22,316
Sleepovers are corny as hell.
10
00:00:22,350 --> 00:00:23,617
Right? Those guys are so dumb.
11
00:00:23,652 --> 00:00:26,420
Hey, Eddie. Wanna come
to my sleepover on Saturday?
12
00:00:26,455 --> 00:00:28,189
Yes! [Sighs]
13
00:00:28,223 --> 00:00:30,858
Wait a minute. Why are you
inviting me? Is this a trick?
14
00:00:30,892 --> 00:00:32,626
No tricks. Trent told me about
15
00:00:32,661 --> 00:00:34,528
you feeling up that old lady
at the block party.
16
00:00:34,596 --> 00:00:36,931
He touched her butt.
She was, like, 25.
17
00:00:36,965 --> 00:00:38,666
Respect.
You're gonna super appreciate
18
00:00:38,700 --> 00:00:40,201
what I've got planned
for Saturday.
19
00:00:40,235 --> 00:00:42,474
I've got a dirty magazine.
20
00:00:42,494 --> 00:00:45,272
"Sports illustrated"
swimsuit issue.
21
00:00:45,634 --> 00:00:47,989
I hear Elle MacPherson's pretty.
22
00:00:48,009 --> 00:00:50,577
Obviously, none of us had seen
a dirty magazine before.
23
00:00:50,611 --> 00:00:52,112
It was 1995.
24
00:00:52,146 --> 00:00:54,414
It wasn't like you could just
say, "Siri, find me boobs."
25
00:00:54,449 --> 00:00:55,849
My big brother
got a subscription
26
00:00:55,883 --> 00:00:58,185
under a fake name...
"Todd Thickstone."
27
00:00:58,219 --> 00:00:59,920
He's on an eagle scout's trip
until Sunday,
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00:00:59,954 --> 00:01:02,055
so it's all ours.
29
00:01:02,090 --> 00:01:03,256
I was mad psyched.
30
00:01:03,291 --> 00:01:05,092
I was on the road
to making some friends.
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00:01:05,126 --> 00:01:06,393
No way.
32
00:01:06,427 --> 00:01:08,228
Why not? It's just a sleepover.
33
00:01:08,262 --> 00:01:10,096
Because pedophiles.
34
00:01:10,131 --> 00:01:12,165
I saw it on the Nightly News.
35
00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:14,100
Back in D.C.,
my mom spent her days
36
00:01:14,135 --> 00:01:15,909
working at
my Uncle's furniture store,
37
00:01:15,929 --> 00:01:17,470
and her nights karaoke-ing
with her friends.
38
00:01:17,505 --> 00:01:19,139
But since we moved to Orlando,
39
00:01:19,173 --> 00:01:21,374
she had a lot of time
on her hands...
40
00:01:21,409 --> 00:01:24,246
Time she filled
watching the Nightly News.
41
00:01:24,266 --> 00:01:26,986
Man on TV: Are you at risk
for date rape?
42
00:01:27,592 --> 00:01:31,551
Are deadly chemicals
in your couch?
43
00:01:31,585 --> 00:01:33,737
Sexual harassment
in the workplace...
44
00:01:33,887 --> 00:01:35,187
can it happen to you?
45
00:01:35,222 --> 00:01:36,555
Yes, it can.
46
00:01:36,590 --> 00:01:38,324
Eddie: Fearmongering
was made for my mom,
47
00:01:38,358 --> 00:01:41,525
and her paranoia made
the rest of us miserable.
48
00:01:42,489 --> 00:01:43,529
Uh...
49
00:01:43,563 --> 00:01:45,998
Are we still going to
the movies?
50
00:01:46,032 --> 00:01:47,600
Only if there's something
with Denzel.
51
00:01:47,634 --> 00:01:49,735
Movie theaters are
a hot bed for disease.
52
00:01:49,769 --> 00:01:50,836
Nightly News.
53
00:01:50,870 --> 00:01:53,284
"Crimson Tide" is playing.
54
00:01:53,304 --> 00:01:54,377
Start the car.
55
00:01:54,397 --> 00:01:56,689
S01E05
Persistent Romeo
56
00:01:56,709 --> 00:01:57,843
Danny brown:
fresh off the boat
57
00:01:57,877 --> 00:01:59,711
I'm gettin' mine
everywhere I go
58
00:01:59,745 --> 00:02:01,847
If you don't know, homie,
now you know
59
00:02:01,881 --> 00:02:03,114
Fresh off the boat
60
00:02:03,149 --> 00:02:05,784
Homie don't know
where I come from
61
00:02:05,818 --> 00:02:06,818
But I know where I'm goin'
62
00:02:06,852 --> 00:02:08,439
I'm fresh off the boat
63
00:02:08,459 --> 00:02:10,553
sync and corrected by ninh
www.addic7ed.com
64
00:02:13,077 --> 00:02:14,492
Eddie, dinner!
65
00:02:14,527 --> 00:02:15,727
[Chuckles]
66
00:02:15,761 --> 00:02:18,163
If you don't let me go
to that sleepover,
67
00:02:18,197 --> 00:02:19,864
I'm gonna stop eating.
68
00:02:20,824 --> 00:02:22,348
Buddy...
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00:02:23,088 --> 00:02:24,903
I overreached. I see that now.
70
00:02:24,937 --> 00:02:27,539
Eddie, I already told you,
you can have the sleepover here.
71
00:02:27,573 --> 00:02:29,741
I know that we are not
pedophiles.
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00:02:29,775 --> 00:02:31,009
The guys won't go for that.
73
00:02:31,043 --> 00:02:32,930
I don't have a dirty ma...
74
00:02:33,612 --> 00:02:35,980
it's just stupid here.
[Door opens]
75
00:02:36,015 --> 00:02:39,984
[Laughs] You won't believe
what happened at work today.
76
00:02:40,019 --> 00:02:41,519
What's going on?
77
00:02:41,554 --> 00:02:43,354
A customer just asked
to be seated,
78
00:02:43,389 --> 00:02:45,977
but all the tables are full.
79
00:02:48,928 --> 00:02:51,095
[Indistinct conversations]
80
00:02:51,130 --> 00:02:54,165
Should we... start
a waiting list?
81
00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:56,534
And then we started
a waiting list!
82
00:02:56,569 --> 00:02:59,270
That's amazing! It's what
we've been waiting for!
83
00:02:59,305 --> 00:03:02,607
Oh, no. I was afraid of this.
84
00:03:02,641 --> 00:03:05,176
Yeah. W-wait.
What just happened?
85
00:03:05,210 --> 00:03:06,978
Eddie, what's the thing
you always say
86
00:03:07,012 --> 00:03:08,446
that the fat brown man says?
87
00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:11,282
- Mo' money, mo' problems?
- Yes, that.
88
00:03:11,317 --> 00:03:13,251
Now that we are close
to achieving our dreams,
89
00:03:13,285 --> 00:03:15,253
we have to think about
protecting them.
90
00:03:15,287 --> 00:03:18,956
We don't want to be a target
for frivolous lawsuits.
91
00:03:18,991 --> 00:03:21,225
I saw it on the Nightly News.
92
00:03:21,260 --> 00:03:23,528
Why do you always find
something to worry about?
93
00:03:23,562 --> 00:03:25,963
Just relax. Our insurance
covers everything.
94
00:03:25,998 --> 00:03:27,598
- Food poisoning?
- Covered.
95
00:03:27,633 --> 00:03:28,933
- Slip and fall?
- Covered.
96
00:03:28,967 --> 00:03:30,701
- Sexual harassment?
- Damn, you're good.
97
00:03:30,736 --> 00:03:32,370
I knew there would be something.
98
00:03:32,404 --> 00:03:35,239
We need to do a seminar
so that we are not liable.
99
00:03:35,274 --> 00:03:37,141
I can do it.
100
00:03:37,176 --> 00:03:41,712
At my family's furniture store,
I handled employee grievances.
101
00:03:41,747 --> 00:03:43,714
The employees were
you and your sister.
102
00:03:43,749 --> 00:03:45,049
That bitch.
103
00:03:45,083 --> 00:03:48,352
Jessica, don't say itch-bayin
front of of the k-i-d-s.
104
00:03:48,387 --> 00:03:50,154
Dad, we can spell.
105
00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:52,223
Of course you can, little man!
106
00:03:52,257 --> 00:03:55,126
Hey, you know what? I'm gonna
get you an applesauce.
107
00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:57,161
Dad, I don't want an apple...
Okay, I'll have an applesauce.
108
00:03:57,195 --> 00:03:58,396
Okay.
109
00:04:00,098 --> 00:04:01,565
My mom convinced my dad
to let her
110
00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:02,833
give the sexual harassment
seminar
111
00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:05,202
by... Well,
pretty much harassing him.
112
00:04:05,237 --> 00:04:07,238
Welcome to the first official
113
00:04:07,272 --> 00:04:10,608
Cattleman's Ranch
sexual harassment seminar.
114
00:04:10,642 --> 00:04:12,743
Okay? [Chuckles]
115
00:04:12,778 --> 00:04:16,814
To make sure we always have
a pleasant work environment,
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00:04:16,848 --> 00:04:20,272
flirting should be avoided
at all times.
117
00:04:21,224 --> 00:04:24,688
Unless you're a handsome man,
because who doesn't like that?
118
00:04:26,210 --> 00:04:28,659
Ladies, let's discuss
how to sit.
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00:04:28,693 --> 00:04:32,029
Your ankles should be crossed
at all times...
120
00:04:32,063 --> 00:04:35,266
Unless your thighs make it
physically impossible.
121
00:04:35,300 --> 00:04:38,636
You cannot wear any shirts
that expose your belly button,
122
00:04:38,670 --> 00:04:42,039
especially if you have
an outtie. That's just gross.
123
00:04:42,073 --> 00:04:46,710
Dirty jokes in the workplace...
not allowed. For example...
124
00:04:46,745 --> 00:04:50,414
"A German broad with big honkers
walks into a bar."
125
00:04:50,448 --> 00:04:52,616
Okay! That's uncomfortable.
126
00:04:52,651 --> 00:04:53,751
Thank you.
[Chuckles nervously]
127
00:04:53,785 --> 00:04:55,252
Help yourselves
to fig Newtons and milk
128
00:04:55,287 --> 00:04:59,032
and laugh about what just
happened. Okay. [Chuckles]
129
00:04:59,457 --> 00:05:00,758
[School bell rings]
130
00:05:00,792 --> 00:05:03,527
And my brother said there's
a foldout of Kathy Ireland
131
00:05:03,561 --> 00:05:05,696
in a white bikini
looking "cold,"
132
00:05:05,730 --> 00:05:06,997
if you know what I mean.
133
00:05:07,032 --> 00:05:08,799
I don't. Me, neither.
134
00:05:08,833 --> 00:05:10,367
But we'll find out on Saturday.
135
00:05:10,402 --> 00:05:13,604
I have real bad news.
I can't come to the party.
136
00:05:13,638 --> 00:05:14,972
Sucks to be you...
137
00:05:15,006 --> 00:05:17,408
[Singsongy] 'Cause I'm also
getting a popcorn machine!
138
00:05:17,442 --> 00:05:19,042
Aw, yeah! [Boy gasps]
139
00:05:19,077 --> 00:05:20,344
Dude! Nice!
140
00:05:20,378 --> 00:05:21,678
Do you know what might be cool?
141
00:05:21,713 --> 00:05:24,915
Is if we do the party
at my house.
142
00:05:24,949 --> 00:05:27,284
Your house? [Scoffs] No.
143
00:05:27,318 --> 00:05:28,952
My magazine, my party.
144
00:05:28,987 --> 00:05:32,489
Besides, does your bedroom
have a mini fridge full of...
145
00:05:32,524 --> 00:05:34,625
[Singsongy] Hi-c ecto coolers?
146
00:05:34,659 --> 00:05:37,060
[Boy gasps]
The official drink of slimer!
147
00:05:37,095 --> 00:05:40,181
I was losing my audience.
I had to do something quick.
148
00:05:40,201 --> 00:05:42,016
I have a dirty movie.
149
00:05:43,546 --> 00:05:44,939
Eddie's then?
150
00:05:48,084 --> 00:05:50,040
The guys were coming over
for a dirty movie...
151
00:05:50,074 --> 00:05:52,536
a dirty movie I didn't have.
152
00:05:55,492 --> 00:05:57,907
To make some friends,
I had to break some rules,
153
00:05:57,927 --> 00:06:01,150
and your boy was willing to do
whatever it took.
154
00:06:01,423 --> 00:06:03,164
Why are you wearing
grandma's coat?
155
00:06:03,199 --> 00:06:05,000
[Lowered voice] Because
I'm gonna steal a dirty movie.
156
00:06:05,034 --> 00:06:06,668
- You don't have to do this.
- Yes, I do.
157
00:06:06,702 --> 00:06:08,103
The guys
are coming over tonight.
158
00:06:08,137 --> 00:06:11,275
- I'll tell mom.
- I'll draw butts on your homework.
159
00:06:11,549 --> 00:06:13,849
- You win.
- I know.
160
00:06:14,011 --> 00:06:16,311
So that's where I'm gonna
steal a dirty movie.
161
00:06:16,345 --> 00:06:18,805
Love isn't dirty.
It's beautiful.
162
00:06:18,825 --> 00:06:20,508
Shut up. Now let's do this.
163
00:06:20,528 --> 00:06:22,269
You guys cause a distraction.
164
00:06:25,664 --> 00:06:26,707
One...
165
00:06:26,727 --> 00:06:29,468
- Two, three...
- Raisins! Raisins! They used to be grapes!
166
00:06:29,488 --> 00:06:32,925
Raisins! Raisins! They used to be grapes!
Four, five, six...
167
00:06:32,945 --> 00:06:35,432
Raisins! Raisins!
168
00:06:37,838 --> 00:06:39,380
Where are the cartoons?
169
00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:41,001
That's what I'm looking for,
'cause I'm a kid!
170
00:06:41,035 --> 00:06:42,169
I knew it!
171
00:06:42,203 --> 00:06:43,971
I knew you didn't have
a dirty movie
172
00:06:44,005 --> 00:06:45,572
and that you'd come here
to steal one.
173
00:06:45,607 --> 00:06:48,442
But you totally failed.
174
00:06:48,476 --> 00:06:50,444
Are you gonna tell everybody?
175
00:06:50,478 --> 00:06:51,879
Are you kidding?
176
00:06:51,913 --> 00:06:54,282
It'll be much more fun to watch
you crash and burn tonight.
177
00:06:55,150 --> 00:06:56,984
Let's go, raisin thrower.
You're outta here.
178
00:06:57,018 --> 00:06:59,453
Don't tell mom!
She relies on me!
179
00:06:59,487 --> 00:07:01,922
Emery: 30, 31, 32...
180
00:07:01,956 --> 00:07:05,225
[Door bell dings]
33, 3... [Grunts]
181
00:07:05,260 --> 00:07:07,194
Yep. Thank you.
182
00:07:08,618 --> 00:07:12,346
Okay, we apologize if some
of you felt sexually harassed
183
00:07:12,366 --> 00:07:14,485
by our last
sexual harassment training.
184
00:07:14,505 --> 00:07:16,683
Who felt harassed?! Was it you?
185
00:07:16,703 --> 00:07:19,605
I...I... Uh, no.
186
00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:21,509
Okay, stop. Stop.
187
00:07:22,542 --> 00:07:24,076
Now thanks to my wife,
188
00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:26,746
who opened up this can of worms
for no reason,
189
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:30,516
I've hired a professional
to lead the seminar.
190
00:07:30,550 --> 00:07:33,085
So, everybody, let's give
a warm Cattleman's welcome
191
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,654
to Dusty Nugget!
192
00:07:35,689 --> 00:07:37,623
[Applause] [Blowing whistle]
193
00:07:37,657 --> 00:07:39,458
[Laughs] All right!
[Chuckles]
194
00:07:39,493 --> 00:07:40,826
All right! Thank you!
195
00:07:40,861 --> 00:07:43,095
So... A little bit about me.
196
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:45,531
I was a repeat
sexual harassment offender
197
00:07:45,565 --> 00:07:48,281
who, thanks,
to a complicated plea deal,
198
00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:50,168
is now working for
the good guys.
199
00:07:50,202 --> 00:07:52,170
That's right,
they Hannibal lectered me.
200
00:07:52,204 --> 00:07:53,405
[Scattered laughter]
201
00:07:53,439 --> 00:07:55,907
Don't be alarmed. I booked
on showing, not touching.
202
00:07:55,942 --> 00:07:59,377
So... Let's start
with the basics.
203
00:07:59,412 --> 00:08:02,247
Is sexual harassment good?
204
00:08:02,281 --> 00:08:03,682
Or bad?
205
00:08:07,019 --> 00:08:08,163
Bad?
206
00:08:08,287 --> 00:08:10,055
That's great. [Laughs]
207
00:08:10,089 --> 00:08:13,958
Oh, great job. Great, great job.
208
00:08:13,993 --> 00:08:15,326
Um...
209
00:08:15,361 --> 00:08:17,707
Now I'm gonna give you
a little kiss.
210
00:08:18,752 --> 00:08:20,565
And freeze.
211
00:08:20,599 --> 00:08:21,699
What am I doing wrong?
212
00:08:21,734 --> 00:08:22,801
Ooh!
213
00:08:22,835 --> 00:08:23,902
Ohh!
214
00:08:23,936 --> 00:08:25,103
[Doorbell rings]
215
00:08:25,137 --> 00:08:28,072
[Door squeaks]
216
00:08:28,107 --> 00:08:29,240
LL Cool J:
I'd give you a rose
217
00:08:29,275 --> 00:08:30,642
Pull out your chair
before we eat
218
00:08:30,676 --> 00:08:31,876
Kiss you on the cheek
219
00:08:31,911 --> 00:08:33,278
And say, "ooh, girl,
you're so sweet"
220
00:08:33,312 --> 00:08:35,954
It's deja� vu
whenever I'm with...
221
00:08:35,974 --> 00:08:37,056
What?
222
00:08:37,342 --> 00:08:39,664
Sorry.
I'm your neighbor... Eddie.
223
00:08:39,684 --> 00:08:41,919
Yeah. I see you
staring at me always.
224
00:08:41,953 --> 00:08:44,321
Cool, cool.
So I know it's weird,
225
00:08:44,356 --> 00:08:47,091
but can I take a video
of you doing anything?
226
00:08:47,125 --> 00:08:48,325
Like homework
227
00:08:48,359 --> 00:08:50,394
or washing that car over there?
228
00:08:53,254 --> 00:08:54,398
Man:
Yeah
229
00:08:54,432 --> 00:08:55,532
Yeah!
230
00:08:58,788 --> 00:09:00,330
Yeah
231
00:09:03,607 --> 00:09:04,708
Automated male voice: No.
232
00:09:04,742 --> 00:09:06,810
Hey, mom, ask me if I'll
eat my carrots.
233
00:09:06,844 --> 00:09:09,212
No. I can't believe we're
paying for all this stuff.
234
00:09:09,246 --> 00:09:10,513
Because of you.
235
00:09:10,548 --> 00:09:12,415
"No one is fond of fondling."
236
00:09:12,450 --> 00:09:15,351
You know why it's so expensive?
237
00:09:15,386 --> 00:09:16,486
Hidden fees.
238
00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:18,288
I saw a Nightly News once
where they talked...
239
00:09:18,322 --> 00:09:19,756
no more Nightly News!
240
00:09:19,790 --> 00:09:21,724
These are the snacks you got me
for my sleepover?
241
00:09:21,792 --> 00:09:24,327
Squiddies? What are squiddies?
242
00:09:24,361 --> 00:09:25,528
They were on sale,
243
00:09:25,563 --> 00:09:27,764
and there's a funny octopus
on the bag.
244
00:09:27,798 --> 00:09:29,699
Who's squirting ink on a dog!
245
00:09:29,733 --> 00:09:31,301
These are for dogs!
246
00:09:31,335 --> 00:09:33,236
Dad, help me out.
247
00:09:33,270 --> 00:09:36,139
Eddie, you'll be fine. Just play
with the legos I bought you.
248
00:09:36,173 --> 00:09:37,273
Legos?!
249
00:09:37,308 --> 00:09:38,508
[Doorbell rings]
250
00:09:40,504 --> 00:09:43,259
Oh, welcome to our home!
Come in!
251
00:09:43,279 --> 00:09:44,780
Eddie is so excited.
252
00:09:44,814 --> 00:09:46,715
He's had such a hard time
making any friends.
253
00:09:46,750 --> 00:09:48,217
Okay, mom. Thanks.
254
00:09:48,251 --> 00:09:50,886
There's pork bone stew on the stove.
[Door closes]
255
00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:52,488
It's good for your hearing.
256
00:09:52,522 --> 00:09:53,856
- Mom...
- Bye, Mrs. Huang.
257
00:09:53,890 --> 00:09:55,624
Doug: Thank you!
258
00:09:55,658 --> 00:09:56,892
Where's the dirty movie?
259
00:09:56,926 --> 00:09:58,527
Yeah, Eddie.
260
00:09:58,561 --> 00:10:00,439
Where's the dirty movie?
261
00:10:02,329 --> 00:10:05,331
Okay, guys, here's the thing...
262
00:10:05,351 --> 00:10:07,029
Is this it?
263
00:10:09,539 --> 00:10:11,359
I don't know what
"harassment" means,
264
00:10:11,379 --> 00:10:13,866
but it's got the word "ass"
in it.
265
00:10:15,745 --> 00:10:17,512
[TV playing]
266
00:10:18,144 --> 00:10:20,095
You two play in here, okay?
267
00:10:20,115 --> 00:10:22,705
Give Eddie some time
with his friends.
268
00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:26,487
Grandma,
what's your favorite color?
269
00:10:27,070 --> 00:10:28,214
_
270
00:10:28,234 --> 00:10:31,217
_
271
00:10:38,867 --> 00:10:40,268
Prepare to sploosh.
272
00:10:40,302 --> 00:10:42,003
We'll see.
273
00:10:42,037 --> 00:10:43,537
[VCR whirs]
274
00:10:48,831 --> 00:10:51,445
Dusty: The workplace is filled
with inappropriate characters.
275
00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:53,432
Let's meet some of them.
276
00:10:53,954 --> 00:10:57,151
Here we have
the "persistent Romeo."
277
00:10:57,185 --> 00:11:00,034
If you select me
on Friday night,
278
00:11:00,054 --> 00:11:02,956
I'll select you
for the promotion.
279
00:11:04,266 --> 00:11:06,493
How about Saturday?
280
00:11:06,527 --> 00:11:08,245
Sunday?
281
00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:10,030
Monday?
282
00:11:10,064 --> 00:11:11,832
[Buzzer]
283
00:11:11,866 --> 00:11:14,634
Dusty:
Then there's "the crooner."
284
00:11:14,669 --> 00:11:17,637
Mmm, mmm-mmm-mmm, mmm
285
00:11:20,141 --> 00:11:21,508
[Buzzer]
286
00:11:21,542 --> 00:11:24,703
Dusty: And watch out
for "tempting Tanya."
287
00:11:24,723 --> 00:11:28,295
She'll use her sexuality
to ensnare you.
288
00:11:28,315 --> 00:11:30,383
Great job in the meeting today.
289
00:11:30,417 --> 00:11:31,851
[Buzzer]
290
00:11:35,414 --> 00:11:37,657
This is amazing.
291
00:11:37,691 --> 00:11:41,394
I can't believe I'm actually
watching a dirty movie.
292
00:11:41,428 --> 00:11:44,230
Eddie: Obviously none of us
knew what a dirty movie was.
293
00:11:45,024 --> 00:11:48,100
You butthole. I can't believe
you actually did it.
294
00:11:48,135 --> 00:11:50,937
Yo, I always do it.
295
00:11:50,971 --> 00:11:52,705
Dusty: Next up...
296
00:11:52,739 --> 00:11:55,708
sensitivity regarding
holiday party planning.
297
00:11:55,742 --> 00:11:57,710
Both: Yeah!
298
00:12:00,625 --> 00:12:02,073
Eddie: My sleepover
was a big hit
299
00:12:02,093 --> 00:12:04,043
thanks to dad's
sexual harassment video.
300
00:12:04,063 --> 00:12:06,143
I couldn't wait to
brag about it with my boys.
301
00:12:06,163 --> 00:12:07,263
How about the part
302
00:12:07,297 --> 00:12:08,664
where "one for the road Randy"
is like,
303
00:12:08,699 --> 00:12:11,300
"come on, Jen from accounting.
Let's have one for the road"?
304
00:12:11,335 --> 00:12:12,902
[Laughs] Yeah.
305
00:12:12,936 --> 00:12:14,537
What a sleepover, huh?
306
00:12:14,571 --> 00:12:16,072
Maybe I'll do it again
next weekend.
307
00:12:16,106 --> 00:12:17,707
Oh, we don't need to go back
to your place.
308
00:12:17,741 --> 00:12:19,589
We have our own copies.
309
00:12:20,447 --> 00:12:22,345
How did you get those? From me.
310
00:12:22,379 --> 00:12:24,668
You ganked my party,
so I ganked your video.
311
00:12:24,688 --> 00:12:25,875
You stole my tape?
312
00:12:25,895 --> 00:12:28,059
I had a kid in the media room
make copies.
313
00:12:28,817 --> 00:12:30,368
[Indistinct conversations]
314
00:12:30,388 --> 00:12:33,290
They all have the tape,
so... They don't need you,
315
00:12:33,717 --> 00:12:35,106
How do you sleep at night?
316
00:12:35,126 --> 00:12:38,128
With two night-lights.
I got a big room.
317
00:12:39,530 --> 00:12:41,072
[Door opens]
318
00:12:41,955 --> 00:12:45,182
Louis, we need to install
floodlights in the parking lot.
319
00:12:45,202 --> 00:12:46,502
Why?
320
00:12:46,536 --> 00:12:50,005
Because bad guys steal babies
from the backseats of cars.
321
00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:51,974
It's a baby selling scheme.
322
00:12:52,008 --> 00:12:54,677
I saw it on "60 minutes."
323
00:12:54,711 --> 00:12:56,111
No Nightly News last night.
324
00:12:56,146 --> 00:12:57,813
They aired a repeat
of "Family Matters."
325
00:12:57,848 --> 00:12:59,648
I know. I saw it.
Urkel was hilarious.
326
00:12:59,683 --> 00:13:02,084
You need to stop being
so paranoid.
327
00:13:02,118 --> 00:13:03,986
We don't know these people
down here.
328
00:13:04,020 --> 00:13:05,287
We don't know what they're...
[Whispers] capable of.
329
00:13:05,322 --> 00:13:07,489
Dusty: And freeze.
330
00:13:08,301 --> 00:13:10,859
This is currently
not sexual harassment,
331
00:13:10,894 --> 00:13:14,212
but if in the process of
making up, things got physical,
332
00:13:14,232 --> 00:13:17,478
well, that is a workplace no-no.
333
00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:19,267
What are you still doing here?
334
00:13:19,301 --> 00:13:20,869
The state requires me
to be here for one week
335
00:13:20,903 --> 00:13:23,938
before I can give you
your completion certificate.
336
00:13:23,973 --> 00:13:25,273
[Sighs deeply]
337
00:13:25,293 --> 00:13:27,031
_
338
00:13:27,051 --> 00:13:28,741
_
339
00:13:29,164 --> 00:13:30,719
_
340
00:13:30,739 --> 00:13:32,584
_
341
00:13:33,939 --> 00:13:36,078
_
342
00:13:36,098 --> 00:13:37,944
_
343
00:13:39,401 --> 00:13:40,910
Uh...
344
00:13:40,930 --> 00:13:42,457
I'll recommend you
to everyone I know.
345
00:13:43,492 --> 00:13:46,252
_
346
00:13:46,389 --> 00:13:49,190
_
347
00:13:52,659 --> 00:13:53,534
It wasn't long
348
00:13:53,569 --> 00:13:55,947
before that video spread
all over the joint.
349
00:13:55,967 --> 00:13:58,628
It was like the 1995 version
of going viral,
350
00:13:58,648 --> 00:14:00,415
and it started
a sexual harassment revolution
351
00:14:00,450 --> 00:14:02,050
at my school.
352
00:14:02,085 --> 00:14:03,886
H-Town:
Well...
353
00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:06,155
If you select me
as your boyfriend, uh,
354
00:14:06,189 --> 00:14:07,689
I'll select you
for the promotion.
355
00:14:07,724 --> 00:14:09,892
We doin' this one
for all the ladies
356
00:14:09,926 --> 00:14:13,328
[Muffled voice] Nice kick
in kickball today.
357
00:14:13,363 --> 00:14:16,017
Well, aren't you
a tempting Tanya?
358
00:14:16,037 --> 00:14:18,014
[Whispers] I like it.
359
00:14:18,034 --> 00:14:20,035
Cause we will be
knockin' da boots
360
00:14:20,069 --> 00:14:21,570
[Sharpener grinding]
361
00:14:21,604 --> 00:14:23,532
G.I., Shazam...
362
00:14:23,552 --> 00:14:27,009
Hey, girl. How about
we have one for the road?
363
00:14:27,183 --> 00:14:28,912
What road?
364
00:14:29,098 --> 00:14:30,839
Uh...
365
00:14:30,976 --> 00:14:33,161
This got out of hand fast.
366
00:14:35,450 --> 00:14:38,061
I'm confused why we're here.
367
00:14:38,081 --> 00:14:40,087
We traced this video
back to your son.
368
00:14:40,122 --> 00:14:42,056
It's caused an epidemic.
369
00:14:42,090 --> 00:14:44,541
It's just a sexual harassment
training video
370
00:14:44,561 --> 00:14:45,287
from my restaurant.
371
00:14:45,307 --> 00:14:48,665
Oh, I've watched the video.
I know it's completely innocent.
372
00:14:49,709 --> 00:14:51,832
I'm confused why we're here.
373
00:14:51,867 --> 00:14:53,467
If the boys think this I,
374
00:14:53,502 --> 00:14:55,803
they obviously don't know
what sex is.
375
00:14:55,837 --> 00:14:57,772
We're planning
a sex Ed assembly.
376
00:14:57,806 --> 00:14:59,720
But in the meantime,
we're encouraging parents
377
00:14:59,740 --> 00:15:01,834
to have "the talk"
with their sons.
378
00:15:01,854 --> 00:15:04,325
"The talk"?
He's still just a kid.
379
00:15:04,345 --> 00:15:06,680
Here. We're giving
all the parents a copy
380
00:15:06,714 --> 00:15:09,108
of the district-approved
textbook.
381
00:15:09,369 --> 00:15:11,518
"Flowers & watering cans"?
382
00:15:11,552 --> 00:15:14,655
It's quite lovely. My wife did
all the illustrations.
383
00:15:14,689 --> 00:15:16,657
Oh, is that what your wife does
with her free time?
384
00:15:16,691 --> 00:15:18,759
My wife worries about
sexual harassment,
385
00:15:18,793 --> 00:15:21,466
razor blades in apples,
baby thieves,
386
00:15:21,486 --> 00:15:24,044
my favorite blue sweater getting
me mistaken for a gang member...
387
00:15:24,064 --> 00:15:28,201
it's a nice sweater...
For a crip to get shot in.
388
00:15:29,970 --> 00:15:31,371
I'm going to applebee's
after this.
389
00:15:31,405 --> 00:15:33,844
Do you think I'll be okay?
390
00:15:34,155 --> 00:15:36,209
[Sighs] No, I don't.
391
00:15:38,594 --> 00:15:40,173
[Crunches]
392
00:15:42,859 --> 00:15:44,551
[Crunches]
393
00:15:45,646 --> 00:15:47,449
You're bluffing.
You don't have it.
394
00:15:51,180 --> 00:15:52,386
I'm all in.
395
00:15:58,098 --> 00:15:59,365
[Gasps]
396
00:16:00,235 --> 00:16:02,162
She had it, Evan.
397
00:16:02,859 --> 00:16:10,489
[High-pitched whining]
398
00:16:10,978 --> 00:16:12,578
[Sighs]
399
00:16:13,772 --> 00:16:16,209
Guess he's not a kid anymore.
400
00:16:16,507 --> 00:16:17,642
[Door closes]
401
00:16:17,662 --> 00:16:19,560
I can't believe it's time
to give him the talk.
402
00:16:19,594 --> 00:16:21,428
I know. [Sighs]
403
00:16:21,462 --> 00:16:24,064
Well... I will let you know
how it goes.
404
00:16:24,098 --> 00:16:25,098
Aw, hell, no.
405
00:16:25,133 --> 00:16:27,396
You created
this whole situation.
406
00:16:27,545 --> 00:16:29,670
I'll handle this now,
407
00:16:30,268 --> 00:16:32,005
father to son.
408
00:16:33,341 --> 00:16:47,821
[Continues
high-pitched whining]
409
00:16:47,855 --> 00:16:49,650
[Sighs]
410
00:16:49,823 --> 00:16:52,358
"Flowers & watering cans."
411
00:16:52,392 --> 00:16:54,026
[Chuckles] I can't believe
412
00:16:54,061 --> 00:16:56,495
this is how they teach kids
about sex here.
413
00:16:56,530 --> 00:16:59,632
Dad, can you please
just ground me or something?
414
00:16:59,666 --> 00:17:01,267
[Chuckles] Eddie...
415
00:17:01,301 --> 00:17:02,835
Half the reason
I come to this country
416
00:17:02,869 --> 00:17:05,806
is so you could have
lots of sex.
417
00:17:06,340 --> 00:17:08,908
What I mean is,
Taiwan was so conservative.
418
00:17:08,942 --> 00:17:11,444
You couldn't really have sex
before you were married.
419
00:17:11,478 --> 00:17:12,678
You didn't know
420
00:17:12,713 --> 00:17:14,880
if you and your wife
were compatible that way.
421
00:17:14,948 --> 00:17:16,983
It was dumb luck
that your mom and I were.
422
00:17:17,017 --> 00:17:18,617
- Yo!
- Sorry.
423
00:17:18,652 --> 00:17:23,065
Look, I don't want you to go out
and have sex tomorrow, okay?
424
00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:24,390
But this?
425
00:17:24,424 --> 00:17:25,825
This is just gonna confuse you.
426
00:17:25,859 --> 00:17:27,467
[Book thuds]
427
00:17:27,977 --> 00:17:31,707
I will tell you the truth
if you wanna hear it.
428
00:17:32,888 --> 00:17:34,399
Yeah? Okay.
429
00:17:35,027 --> 00:17:37,369
Hmm. Okay, where to start?
430
00:17:38,403 --> 00:17:40,404
This will sound crazy,
431
00:17:40,439 --> 00:17:42,640
but it's way better
than video games.
432
00:17:42,674 --> 00:17:46,544
You know how sneezes feel really
satisfying in a weird way?
433
00:17:46,578 --> 00:17:48,579
Stay away from Arkansas.
434
00:17:48,613 --> 00:17:50,414
They outlawed all the fun stuff.
435
00:17:50,449 --> 00:17:52,516
Spring break, my God.
436
00:17:52,551 --> 00:17:55,920
I am so excited for you.
I might come with.
437
00:17:55,954 --> 00:17:57,088
That's a great question.
438
00:17:57,122 --> 00:17:59,957
I say maybe you burn
about 200 calories?
439
00:17:59,991 --> 00:18:02,026
If you pretend like
you have a bad back,
440
00:18:02,060 --> 00:18:03,661
you don't have to do
so much work.
441
00:18:03,695 --> 00:18:07,198
Three words...
old "national geographic."
442
00:18:07,232 --> 00:18:08,599
I like having the lights out
443
00:18:08,633 --> 00:18:10,868
so I can pretend
like we're in a castle.
444
00:18:10,902 --> 00:18:14,138
These are not the type of crabs
Maryland is known for.
445
00:18:14,172 --> 00:18:15,472
And most importantly,
446
00:18:15,507 --> 00:18:18,008
like we always say during
the "S.N.L." monologue
447
00:18:18,043 --> 00:18:19,476
when a musician hosts,
448
00:18:19,511 --> 00:18:21,145
wrap it up.
449
00:18:21,179 --> 00:18:25,950
I thought back to
when we made good love
450
00:18:25,984 --> 00:18:28,009
- How'd it go?
- Good.
451
00:18:28,029 --> 00:18:29,486
I went over the whole book.
452
00:18:29,521 --> 00:18:32,158
Did you tell him
not to date rape?
453
00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:34,040
What?
454
00:18:34,060 --> 00:18:36,207
I felt good after that talk with my dad.
[Sighs deeply]
455
00:18:36,227 --> 00:18:37,994
The other guys at school
got a bunch of garbage
456
00:18:38,029 --> 00:18:40,163
about watering cans and flowers.
457
00:18:40,198 --> 00:18:41,765
"Mm, let's kiss." "Okay."
458
00:18:41,799 --> 00:18:43,767
[Makes kissing sounds]
459
00:18:43,801 --> 00:18:45,302
But my dad gave me the real,
460
00:18:45,336 --> 00:18:46,736
and I was mad appreciative
for that.
461
00:18:46,771 --> 00:18:49,039
I said to myself,
when I became a dad,
462
00:18:49,106 --> 00:18:50,173
I'd treat my son
with the same resp...
463
00:18:50,207 --> 00:18:51,641
- Aah!
- Like that?!
464
00:18:51,676 --> 00:18:53,743
- What are you doing?!
- You like that?! No?!
465
00:18:53,778 --> 00:18:56,646
Well, girls don't either!
No means no! Respect girls!
466
00:18:56,681 --> 00:18:57,847
Nightly News!
467
00:18:57,882 --> 00:19:00,863
Okay, okay, I won't! God! Ow!
468
00:19:04,705 --> 00:19:06,912
Okay, I may have overreacted.
469
00:19:07,322 --> 00:19:08,310
Ya think?
470
00:19:08,330 --> 00:19:11,141
Obviously, I have too much time
on my hands.
471
00:19:11,161 --> 00:19:15,097
I'm in the house all day,
and it's making me stir-crazy.
472
00:19:15,449 --> 00:19:16,899
I think I need to get a job.
473
00:19:16,933 --> 00:19:20,000
Here are the classifieds.
I circled you several options.
474
00:19:20,237 --> 00:19:22,338
And?
475
00:19:22,406 --> 00:19:24,173
Do you have anything else
you wanna say to me?
476
00:19:24,207 --> 00:19:26,275
Yes. Go get ready for bed.
477
00:19:27,269 --> 00:19:28,778
And that you're...
478
00:19:28,812 --> 00:19:31,950
His mother, and that
he still has a bedtime.
479
00:19:31,970 --> 00:19:34,345
But you came at Eddie
with a stuffed animal.
480
00:19:34,365 --> 00:19:37,119
And now you're... s...
481
00:19:37,153 --> 00:19:39,234
Sewing it up.
482
00:19:39,254 --> 00:19:41,007
Oh, come on.
483
00:19:43,034 --> 00:19:45,241
I don't have to say "I'm sorry"
to him, Louis.
484
00:19:45,261 --> 00:19:46,995
I gave birth to him.
485
00:19:47,030 --> 00:19:49,765
Life is worth a thousand
"I am sorrys."
486
00:19:51,567 --> 00:19:53,402
Thanks, mommy.
It looks as good as new.
487
00:19:53,436 --> 00:19:57,639
This belongs to grandma now.
She won it fair and square.
488
00:19:57,673 --> 00:19:59,574
Oh, that's poker, baby.
489
00:19:59,609 --> 00:20:01,276
That's poker.
490
00:20:05,381 --> 00:20:08,215
Louis: No. No, no, no.
No, no, no, no. No. No.
491
00:20:09,077 --> 00:20:11,726
Okay, students,
a state-licensed spokesman
492
00:20:11,746 --> 00:20:13,727
is here to tell us
about our bodies.
493
00:20:13,747 --> 00:20:17,183
One of our parents, Louis Huang,
highly recommended him...
494
00:20:17,217 --> 00:20:19,018
Dusty Nugget!
495
00:20:19,052 --> 00:20:21,954
[Applause] [Blowing whistle]
496
00:20:21,989 --> 00:20:23,422
[Chuckles] Okay!
497
00:20:23,457 --> 00:20:25,825
It's Dusty Nugget. Just "Nugget."
498
00:20:25,859 --> 00:20:29,028
Okay, kids, what do you say
we keep that applause going
499
00:20:29,062 --> 00:20:32,098
for a special friend of mine
I brought along to help us out?
500
00:20:32,132 --> 00:20:34,300
Huh? They'll hear it for him!
Huh?
501
00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:37,537
[Applause]
502
00:20:37,571 --> 00:20:39,772
Yay! Thanks, Dusty Nugget.
503
00:20:39,806 --> 00:20:42,708
Wow. [Chuckles]
What a cool guy, huh, kids?
504
00:20:42,743 --> 00:20:45,144
Hi! I'm Healthy Hamilton.
505
00:20:45,178 --> 00:20:48,281
And, uh, what do you say we just
start with some questions, huh?
506
00:20:48,315 --> 00:20:49,582
Boy: Do you have a penis?
507
00:20:49,616 --> 00:20:50,683
Kevin! [Laughter]
508
00:20:50,717 --> 00:20:51,951
No, it's okay.
509
00:20:51,985 --> 00:20:55,054
I prefer to think of it
as a watering can.
510
00:20:56,019 --> 00:20:58,224
So... You guys wanna hear
the real?
511
00:20:58,258 --> 00:21:00,726
Sleepover, my house,
Saturday night.
512
00:21:00,761 --> 00:21:02,561
I'll tell you about
spring break,
513
00:21:02,596 --> 00:21:04,430
black spring break... no!
514
00:21:04,464 --> 00:21:07,867
Uh, we're gonna have a sleepover
at my house Saturday night.
515
00:21:07,901 --> 00:21:09,168
I just got...
516
00:21:09,202 --> 00:21:11,771
[Singsongy]
A bird that can talk!
517
00:21:12,716 --> 00:21:14,842
So... Eddie's house then?
518
00:21:16,372 --> 00:21:18,225
Yeah, they chose me, Brock.
519
00:21:18,374 --> 00:21:21,806
Talk to your bird about that.
520
00:21:22,033 --> 00:21:25,067
sync and corrected by ninh
www.addic7ed.com
521
00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:29,667
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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