All language subtitles for Femme Fatales s01e04 Speed Date.eng

Femme Fatales 01x02
Speed Date Original Air Date on June 3, 2011

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

[Man] I like a woman
who knows herself.

Confidence is beauty.
There's nothing sexier

than a woman who's
comfortable in her own skin.

An independent woman

with a spry personality
and an old soul.

That's the one for me.
I'm Troy.

When I'm in the outdoors,
it's about freedom.

I read.

Losing myself in the pages
of a good book

is pure Nirvana,

like an hour-long bubble bath

with bath bombs from Bliss.

My best friend are Charlie Parker
and John Coltrane.

Without them, I am lost.

Simply put, their music is
the soundtrack of my life.

Yeah, I know
I'm good-looking,

but that's not worth
a hill of beans

unless you find
the right girl

to share life's
special moments with.

And let me tell you,
in this town,

it's been tough to find
that special someone.

If you're confident,
if you're independent,

if you're open-minded,
passionate,

genuine, creative, funny,

if you think you're her,

and you think we'll click,
please--

Contact me, DocTroy77.

Thank you, Dr. Troy.

Ladies,
all of our lines are open.

[gunshot]

We all tell little white lies.

We lie about our height,
our weight,

where we've been
and where we're going.

And tonight,

video game developer
Kevin Freeman

is about to discover

that when his fantasy
turns into reality,

honesty, in fact,
may be the best policy

as his little white lies

get him into
a world of trouble.

[typing]

[computer voice]
You have 174 new messages.

Holy-- Yes!

Uh, excuse me, Mr. Freeman?

Lily, hi.
Come on in, darling.

The sales reports from
Planet of the Undead 2 you asked for.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, our numbers rocked it.

Yes! See?
It's just like I told you.

Give a child a chainsaw
and 10,000 zombies to hack up,

and they're in first-person
shooter heaven.

Boo-yah!

Hey, you know what?

Let's go out tonight
and celebrate.

Oh--
Please?

Please, please?

I don't know.
Oh, come on.

That's what
you always say.

When are you
going to say yes?

I'm sorry, Mr. Freeman.

I just don't think
you're my type.

I'm not your type?
That doesn't even make sense.

I'm everybody's type.
Look at me.

Huh?

I'm like that blood type
that everybody can use.

I'm a universal donor.

Is it my calves?

You know,
I'm getting calf implants.

Picture me
with Lance Armstrong's calves.

Picture it.

Now what do you think?

[Woman]
Hi, Troy. I'm Alexis.

I'm new on the Web site.

This is the first time
I've responded to anyone.

You seem to be a very nice guy
who's really sure of himself.

I like that in a man.

Take me,
my Mandingo love machine.

The pleasure's
gonna be all yours.

Oh, Dr. Troy!

Dr. Troy!

[Troy's voice]
Hey, Alexis, you sound great.

Let's not waste time.

I believe in spontaneity.

8:00 tonight,

Sunset Grill
on Wilder & Diamond.

Uh, Troy?
Yeah. Hi.

Hi. Alexis.
Right. Hey.

Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.

Uh, you don't really look
much like your profile photos.

Yeah. That photo's
a little dated.

I was gonna update it
with a newer photo,

but I haven't.

And to be fair,
I love me some Krispy Kreme.

Is it obvious?

Um, but I kind of blew up
my washboard abs there.

I'm getting back in the gym.

You know, doing sit-ups.

Like, 2,000 a day.

This is the first bottle
in my six-pack.

So you're a cardiologist?

Well, not professionally, no.

It's more of a hobby.

But you could say

I'm an expert in all things

regarding the heart.

Listen, Troy,

or whatever the hell
your name really is,

I don't like liars.

Oh, I'm not a liar

so much as
a creative embellier.

Alexis,

we need to talk.

Is that your contact?

'Cause Raven's gonna
want to see him, too.

I'm not talking to you
or to Raven.

[groaning]
Check, please!

Get down!

[grunts]
Let's go!

[patrons clamoring]

[grunting]

[panting]

Wow. That was
incredible, man,

when you grabbed that knife,
and you stabbed that guy in the--

Shut up.

You're right.

Who needs words

after everything
we've been through?

Not what you meant.
All right.

My bad.

I'm a little slow
in picking up the social cues.

I'm--
An idiot and a liar.

That's one opinion.

Would you mind telling me
who those guys were?

I can't tell you.

Why, because
you'd have to kill me?

Ooh, that's such a clich?!

You know what? If you don't mind,
I'm gonna be heading home now.

Yeah. That'll be the first
place they look for you.

Who are they, and why would
they be looking for me?

If you want to keep breathing,
you need to stay with me

until I can figure out
why Raven wants me dead.

Who the hell is Raven?
[scoffs] I wish I knew.

So this Raven guy
wants you dead,

but you don't know
who he is?

You wouldn't understand.

Try me!

[sighs]

I work for Raven,
but I have never met him.

So what, you're
some sort of assassin,

and then Raven is some sort
of mysterious boss

that you have, and that--

Oh, no shit. Really?

Look, these are
dangerous people.

I'm a dangerous person, and
people like you are collateral damage.

So you-- when I say jump,
you jump.

Got me,
Dr. Troy Jackson?

My name is Kevin,
Kevin Freeman,

and I design video games!

Was there anything in your
online profile that was real?

Sure! Lots of stuff!

Like?
I'm black.

[siren wailing]

[scoffs]

[Kevin] Oh, my God.
This is insane.

The knife and the thing
and the running...

How'd you even get started
in this business?

I was recruited

from a Third World orphanage
at the age of ten

and spirited away
to a monastery

in the Himalayas, where I was--
Whoa. Back up.

Did you just say you were
spirited away to a monastery?

Because...I was thinking
how cool that would be.

Please continue.

Where I was trained

by the world's
most lethal monks

in the art of killing.

I've assassinated
heads of state,

captains of industry,
arms dealers,

drug cartel kingpins,
corrupt politicians,

and dozens of Eurotrash
super-criminals.

Man, those monks don't quit.

So what do they want with me?
I mean, I'm a nobody.

I'm a civilian.
Not anymore.

How they gonna find me?
They don't even know who I am.

They already sent a team to the
restaurant pretending to be FBI.

They have
your dinner reservations,

descriptions from the staff,

lifted fingerprints from that cheap
bottle of wine you ordered.

That was not cheap wine!

They've hacked into
the security camera footage

from the street and the lobby.

There's only one problem
with your theory, Sherlock--

they have Dr. Troy Jackson's
name, not mine.

They ran the DNS from
Troy Jackson's email account

and data-mined you.

Your life is theirs now.

And until we find Raven
and straighten things out,

we're both in mortal danger.

I'm sorry, sir.

Your credit card's
been declined.

Hey!

Hey, what are you doing?

They traced
your credit cards.

Agents will be here
in seven minutes.

Why didn't you say something?

That's way too big of a tip
considering we didn't get

any of those
world-famous bread sticks.

I want Raven's men
to come for us.

That will buy us some time,
because you will tell them

that you overheard us talking about
taking a Greyhound to Santa Mira.

Got it?
For this kind of tip,

I'll tell them
you went to the moon.

I'm reporting you
to the Web site.

This is a direct violation
of their terms of service.

And I'm not going anywhere.

They will find you
wherever you go.

Leave now and live
or stay and die.

I will leave now and live.

Good answer.

What are we doing here?

My knees hurt,
and my ass is cold.

This is where
Archie Becker lives.

Who's Archie Becker?

The accountant.
Accountant?

The organization I work for

is a global operation
that needs funding.

Like Woodward and Bernstein
once said, "Follow the money."

Now I'm totally confused.

I would think that you'd
be used to that by now,

confusion being
your natural state.

Not about the whole secret agent
La Femme Nikita thing.

Look, I've seen
all the Bond films,

except for A View To a Kill,

which I hear
was double-oh-crap.

What I'm confused about is

what were you doing
on an Internet dating site?

It's difficult
to explain.

Try me.

I never got a chance to grow up
and live a normal life.

I wanted out of the organization,
so I left.

Let me guess. It's not the kind
of organization you just leave.

I've been trained to do what
I do since I was 10 years old.

I missed out on a lot of things
that you take for granted.

What, taxes, Bar Mitzvah parties,
Jersey Shore

You didn't miss much.

When you were playing
in the Little League,

I learned to use a Glock.

When you went to prom,
I made my first mark.

I didn't go to prom.

Patti Ledo blew me off
and went with Kenny Glazier.

If Patti could see me now,
she would totally go with me.

When you said
make your first mark,

did you mean kill people?

[Man groaning]

[coughing]

So now
you're a retired assassin

that's Internet dating?

I thought it was something
normal girls do.

Normal girls
that look like you

don't have to online date,
trust me.

But then
I would've never met

the wonderful and talented
Dr. Troy Jackson.

Keep it up.

Your profile
was phonier than mine.

"Likes warm, quiet evenings
in front of a fire," my ass.

Come on. We gotta move.

[gunshot]
[glass shatters]

Now, that's a dramatic way
to open a door lock.

Shut up.
Find something and put it on.

I still don't know
what we're doing here.

We are going
to a costume party.

We have to fit in.

Did you RSVP "plus one"
on the e-vite?

Try to find something
that makes you look good.

I'll try.

Best date ever.

What?

Nothing.

Does this car
have an ejector seat?

There's one little thing
I forgot to tell you.

We have to make Archie think
that Raven wants him dead.

That's not a little thing,
that's a big thing!

If he thinks Raven's
got a hit on him,

he's going to need
somebody to protect him,

and that somebody's
gonna be me.

Okay, how are we
going to convince him

that Raven wants him dead?

Because Raven
sent you to do it.

Raven sent me?

Why would Raven send me?

I'm not a killer.

I can't even squish
those big cockroach bugs.

What kind of assassin
do you make

if you have to hire an exterminator
to come and kill a bug?

Let's go.

Do you remember
everything I told you?

Who are you?

I am the international
assassin known as The Owl,

the baddest badass
contract killer west of Berlin.

Won't they know
I'm not him?

The Owl mysteriously
vanished two years ago.

Even when he was around,
anybody who knew

what he really looked like
never lived to tell about it.

That's cold.
I like it.

I'm The Owl.

Hoo!

Hoo!

[chattering]

[Kevin]
Good call on the costumes.

We're gonna fit right in.

You know what to do.

What's new, pussycat?

Sorry. Wrong room.

Oh, hey.

Where do you think you're
going, my little kitty?

I was looking
to get some milk.

Are you a waiter?

No, no.
This is my party.

Archie Becker.

[guests moaning]

You know, I'm sure
I can find you some milk,

and we can
lap it up together--

privately, of course.

Mmm, tempting.

But I'm sure you can do better
than just milk.

Well, the night is young.

Enjoy the show.

[moaning continues]

Ooh, I love Michael Jackson.

Show me how you beat it.

[whip cracking]

[chuckles]

[guests chuckling]

You are so naughty.

[moaning]

[crack]

Emily?

Mr. Freeman?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here,
Mr. F?

I like to party.
I like to disco.

There's a lot of stuff
you don't know about me.

This is a new look for you.

It's actually not new.

I've been an elite-level
domino mistress

for seven years.

These are my submissives.

Wow.

Um, is there a class
you took

to be the domino?

So are you in a union
of some sort?

Go like that.

You won't tell anyone
at the office?

No, absolutely not.

Good, because if you did,

I'd cut off your scrotum
and feed it to you

with some ranch dressing
and chipotle salsa.

Mmm.

So want to make out
with me?

[moaning]

You're a dirty girl.

Don't you want to play
with these little kitties?

Sorry. Not my thing.

Well, that's too bad.

Maybe it's time
to say good night, then.

You give up easily,
don't you?

You want me to say please?

No. I want you
to turn on some music.

Hmm.

Much better.

[sniffs]

[sniffs]

Alexis?

I heard you were dead.

Are you gonna be
a good boy?

If you're a good boy,

I'll let you kiss it.

Kiss it.

[phone beeping]

[beeps]

I gotta go.

Are you kidding me?

I gotta go.

I can keep you safe
from Raven, kitty-cat,

for a very small pri--

I've been waiting a very
long time for this, Alexis.

Raven's trying
to kill you, too.

He put a hit
on both of us.

What?
That's not possible.

You need me to protect you,
Archie.

Get the fuck outta here.

I'm the international assassin
known as The Owl.

Who?
Exactly.

What the hell do you want?
You.

Raven's hired me
to ice your ass.

What? Come on.
Raven would never do that.

You're stealing money from him.
Now he wants you dead.

Look, I haven't, okay?
Come on. That's crazy.

Look, please, man, just don't--
don't kill me, okay?

You knocked me out?

That wasn't
a part of the plan.

If I had told you, would you
have gone along with it?

No, but you would have felt
better afterwards for asking.

That's why.
I needed to save Archie

from The Owl
to gain his trust.

Did it work?

Yes.
He told me everything...

before he died.

He died?
How did he die?

[gasps]

You killed him!

You can't go around
killing people.

That's not right.

He told me where Raven is.

Well, that's good work.

Thank you.

[engine starts]

[tires screeching]

[Alexis]
Raven.

Alexis.
I figured you'd find me.

You were always my best.

Roasted duck with a truffle-scented
broth and a mushroom ragout.

You know, that does
smell delicious.

Shut up.

I wasted a lot of time
and money on you tonight

that I could have put
to much better use.

I don't want
to waste anymore.

I want to know why
you flipped and to whom.

I didn't flip, I quit.

Don't you get it?

You took my life!
I want it back!

[laughing]

What is so funny?

I believe you.

Great.

Whoo!

Now that that's over,
can we get outta here?

I'm still gonna
kill you, Alexis.

I can't take any chances
that I'm wrong.

No one has ever left
the organization alive.

No one.

So if it's any consolation,
I'm sorry.

So am I.

[Kevin]
Wait a minute. Hold on.

Let me tell you something,
Mr. Raven,

Mr. I'm So Cool I Got
A Black Chick's Name.

You know where
I met your girl?

On a date.
An Internet date.

You've got her so crazy--

assassinating people
and HALO jumping into stuff--

she doesn't know
what's going on.

She thinks she's gotta
go online to meet dudes,

as fine as she is.

You think she's
gonna rat on you?

Look at her.
She's clueless.

Why don't you give her
a chance at a normal life?

She won't let you down.
I promise.

Who the fuck are you?
[laughs]

I'm Kevin Freeman,

video game designer.

Ever see
Planet of the Undead?

That was me, darling.
I invented that.

Number 3, Dead & Undeader,

is coming out next month
on Xbox, baby.

Gig magazine's
pick of the month, baby.

Now get--
Please don't kill me.

Did you say
Planet of the Undead?

I fucking love that game.

See? Right?

I play that with my kids
all the time.

Whose family doesn't enjoy
smashing up on zombies?

Look, Mr. Raven,

Alexis here has given you
her entire life.

When you gonna
give it back to her?

[exhales forcefully]

Well,

I do have two extra spots
at the dinner table.

Sweet. We're staying
for dinner.

Thank you, sir.

I've worked up
quite an appetite,

what with getting shot at

and crashing in
on swingers' parties

and running around
all night long...

Planet of the Undead.

Wonderful.

I love dinner parties.

So,

pretty nice
first date, huh?

[scoffs]

Think there'll be
a second?

We'll see.

So how do you know
he's not gonna poison you?

Because you're going
to eat it first.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

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