All language subtitles for Everybody Hates Chris s02e11 Everybody Hates Eggs.eng

Growing-up in Bed-stuy, the worst thing

my mother always said

was that we better not
bring home any babies.

In fact, my mother
was so paranoid,

she didn't like
anything in the house

that even reminded her
of a baby.

Boy!

Is that a baby?

No, it's a football.

Is that a baby?

No, it's a shoebox.

Is that a baby?

No. It's baby carrots.

I was so scared
of bringing home babies,

to this day my mother
has never seen my kids.

Can anyone tell me what I'm holding?

Chris?

An egg?

No, Chris.

For the next week, this is not an egg.

These will be your children.

Each and every one of you
will be paired

with a member of the opposite gender,

and the two of you
will be the proud parents

of a brand new baby boy or girl.

Make my baby sunny-side up.

You'll have to care for the child,

and at the end of the week,

you'll give a report
on your experience as parents.

When you say "care for the egg..."

Uh-- you mean the baby.

The baby. How do you mean?

You have to treat your egg
like it's a real baby.

They were a lot more
advanced on this subject

in my old school.

So the assignment is to treat your egg

like it's a real baby.

Do we have to do this?

You have to name it, feed it,

watch it at all times,
and plan its future.

What if we break it?

it's an automatic F.

Okay, but if our egg
misbehaves, can we beat it?

What's CJH?

Is that my egg's initials?

No,
that's my Corleone Junior High stamp,

so I'll know you don't switch eggs.

Now, look inside
your baskets and you'll see

see the name of your partner
for the week.

Chris, we have an uneven
number of boys and girls,

so I thought
I'd make you a single father.

I know it's something you can relate to

with your childhood and all.

I have a father.

Oh, I know, Chris.

If only your mom knew his name.

Just so you
embrace this project to the fullest,

I brought something special for you.

If it's my baby's mama,
I hope she doesn't have feathers,

A brown egg?

They're all the same...
on the inside.

Except my egg's gonna
get pulled over by the police more.

2x11 Everybody Hates Eggs

Transcript: FRM Team

Resynchro: Sixe

Instead of caring about my egg,

I was cooking up a scheme.

I think I'm gonna boil it.

That way it won't break.

You'd boil your child?

Man, you're taking this
way too seriously.

I think this project is great.

It's just like life.

I've been taking care of
my brother and sister for years.

So what I'm gonna do,
I'm gonna take this thing home.

I'm gonna put it in the refrigerator,

and then when Friday comes,
all I have to do is tell the class

the same thing
I've been doing for the past 13 years.

Which is, "Get a job!"

Chris, your egg!

Am I going to have to call
Child Protective Services on you?

At least I didn't dangle my egg
over a balcony like Michael Jackson.

- Are you ready?
- Yeah.

I am so in there.

What are you watching?

Just a movie.

Every kid has
fears growing up.

Drew used to be
scared of spiders.

I used to be scared of the
opening credits to Perry Mason.

Tonya used to be scared of clowns.

But that all changed when
she saw this-- The Wolfman.

It's just a werewolf.

It might just be a werewolf,

but to Drew it was
also an opportunity.

This can't be right.

That's what he said
whenIwas born.

What's wrong?

Have you been using more power?

This electric bill
is $25.83 more than usual.

How am I supposed to know
how much power I'm using?

Well, you take the amount of time
you use an appliance

and divide
the required wattage to power it

by the current cost of kilowatt hours.

Am I supposed to do that
before or after I file for divorce?

Kilowatts.

My mom thought "kilowatts"
was a riot in the '60s.

Ah. There are the eggs.

See? That's what's running the bill up.

You just used
11 cents' worth of electricity.

Why can't you figure out what's
in the refrigerator before you open it?

Because I can't see through the door.

Pass me a fork, please.

Thank you.

Oh... a brown egg.

- Stop!
- Ah! What?

That egg is my school project.

What are you talking about?

The egg is my baby. I'm supposed
to take care of it for a week

and then give a report
on what it's like to be a father.

So what's it doing in my refrigerator?

Just chillin'.

You're not funny.

I'm just gonna leave it in there
until it was time

to turn it in and give the report.

I already know what I'm gonna say.

It's an easy "A."

An easy "A"?

So you think that taking care
of a baby is easy?

No, but it's not a baby.
It's an egg.

But your assignment
is to take care of this egg

as if it were a baby.

Do you think I left you
in the refrigerator

whenever I had something else to do?

Is it bad?

Not if you got a thousand dollars.

Ain't that right, baby?

Break time, baby.

Break time.

You are gonna do this assignment,

and you're gonna do it right.

Damn!

I have an announcement to make.

We have a new addition to the family.

What? You having a baby?

He ain't sleeping in my room.

I'm not having a baby.

Chris did.

I thought you said
if we bring home a baby,

you'd slap the Similac out of us.

It's not a real baby; it's an egg.

It's Chris's new school project.

Oh, cool.
So what's the baby's name?

I didn't really name it.

Can we call him Junebug?

Junebug?

What kind of name is Junebug?

It's better than
what I was thinking of--

The Incredible Edible Baby.

I'm going to show you
just how hard it is to raise a baby,

and if any of y'all catch Chris

mistreating this child,
you better let me know,

'cause if you do,
you're gonna get a lot worse than an F.

Now let's eat.

Where you going?

- I'm gonna go get ready to eat.
- No you're not.

Don't you hear that baby crying?

You feed him first, and then you eat.

Now get that screaming child
out of here.

If this happened now,
I'd try to get Madonna to adopt my egg.

Since the baby I brought home
was just an egg,

my mother decided to make sure
I got the full baby experience

so I didn't bring home a real one.

Chris, wake up. The baby's crying.

- What's wrong?
- You got to change his diaper.

Chris, wake up. The baby's crying.

- What's wrong?
- He's hungry.

The baby's crying.

- Is it hungry?
- No.

- Is it wet?
- No.

- What's wrong with it?
- He's got gas.

While I was trying to raise my baby,

my father was trying
to lower the electric bill.

I was watching that.

I've seen it; Rosebud's his sled.

I was listening to that.

I've heard it; the baby's not his.

Got that right.

That's too low.

That's gonna take all night to cook.

You can eat in the morning.

Combine breakfast and dinner.

Call it... brinner.

You have officially lost your mind.

What's that?

A picture-- now you can figure out

what you want and where it is
before you open the fridge.

Well, what about
if I take something out?

Then you just cross
the item off the picture.

I put Junebug in a paper bag,

because the only way I was
going to be seen with an egg

was if it was with
a side of bacon.

Little dude from across the street.

Let me hold your bag.

No, man, you don't want this.

It's just an egg.

It's for a class project.
I'm supposed to act like it's my baby.

Oh, yeah? That's very inventive.

I'm only good
at acting like it's not my baby.

That year he won the Oscar
for Best Non-Supporting Father.

Listen, if you ever have any problems
with child support,

come talk to me.

I can help you save some money.

It seemed like everyone
had advice for raising a baby.

You need to teach this boy
how to protect himself.

Now, I suggest
the Brazilian two-finger neck snap!

Want me to show you how it works?

Teach the baby to honor
the mother and the father,

and if the father
should meet a tragic death,

the baby shouldn't be upset

if the mother
makes friends with a nice man.

Omar, I need more bubbles!

Got to go.

Teach this baby the difference

between the knockoffs
and the real thing.

For instance,"Gucci"
does not have an "H" in it.

While I was trying to keep
Junebug on the right track,

Greg had become a runaway train.

Dang, Junebug is driving me crazy.

I just can't wait
till this thing is over.

You think you've got problems.

Me and Jennifer don't agree on a thing.

She thinks Chip should go to Yale.

I think he's a Harvard man.

And I think you're a crazy man.

And you're thinking about colleges?

I'm just trying to figure out
how to get a full night's sleep.

You built a crib?

Yeah, and I called you last night.

Yeah, like 50 times.

Greg, you're taking this
way too seriously.

It's just 'cause
I didn't want him to go to Yale.

I don't care how many cribs you build,
he's not going to Harvard.

- What?
- Nothing.

While my mother decided
to give me a break,

my father was making
a break in his case.

- What's the matter?
- You turned the lights off.

Why are you sleeping with the light on?

'Cause I'm scared of werewolves.

Werewolves? What werewolves?

Drew told me
when the full moon comes out,

he's going to turn into a werewolf.

When did he tell you this?

Last month.

Doc was out of town,

so he left his nephew Monk
to watch the store.

I'm closing at 1900 hours,
so keep sweeping

and finish stocking the shelves.

1900 hours?

7:00, boy--
don't your parents teach you anything?

Monk had been part
of a famous failed

military operation
in the early '80s

and was very suspicious of authority.

Watch the closing doors.

Now, why should I believe
these doors are going to close?

Because you said so?

Well, what if they don't?

Then what?

Are you gonna issue me a public apology?

Do I get to hire me
a new elevator operator?

And what about all the other men
and women that died

because of these
supposedly-closing doors?

What you got in this bag, boy?

What kind of rations you got?

Careful!

It's not lunch.
It's an egg.

What's that,
a booby trap or something, man?!

You trying to kill me?They must have
sent you to kill me, didn't they?

You been ordered
by my commanding officers, huh?

No, it's my class project.

I'm supposed to take care of it
like it's a baby for a week.

And if anything happens to it,
I get an "F."

What you mean,
"If anything happens"?

I'll tell you what happens.

Try landing a helicopter at night

in the middle of a sandstorm
in the Iranian desert.

"If anything happens."

What if they don't tell you
there's a sandstorm?

"If anything happens."

What if your commanding officer
doesn't tell you.

you'll be taking fire
from the left or to the right

or there's even going to be a sandstorm?

"If anything happens."

It's because
youre commanding officer sent you

on a mission
that he knew was going to fail!

"If anything happens."

Boy,
if all you got to do is take that egg

and carry that egg around
for one week and keep it alive?

Boy, you don't know
how good you got it.

"If anything happens."

What you talking about, Monk?

Sure do hope you're right.

While my mother made sure
I didn't take my mind

or my eye off of Junebug,

She didn't count on one thing:
a ladybug.

Hey, Chris, can you help me
carry some of my bags home?

Monk, can I help her
carry some of her bags home?

Go ahead.

Thanks.

Boy, where have you been?

You've been gone for almost an hour.
I thought you went AWOL.

How far does that girl live?
Just up the block.

Oh, all right.
Well, here, got another package for you.

Take this to Miss Perkins.

Hey, where's Junebug?

What'd you say?

Boy, Junebug?!

How did you know about Junebug?!

That's supposed to be a black op.

Black op?

Junebug is the name of my egg.

It was sitting right here.

I don't know;
I've been packing bags all day.

That thing could be anywhere.

Oh, man!

Junebug was the first egg
to ever end up on a milk cart.

Until I could find my egg,

I had to make sure my mother
didn't find out and crack my skull.

If I actually worked that hard
in class,

I might have gone to college.

I might have had a new egg,

but my mother
was her same old suspicious.

Chris, you haven't let that egg
out of your sight, have you?

No, ma'am. I take it everywhere I go.

Found out why that electric bill

was $25-a-day,
three cents more than usual.

Really?

Tonya's been sleeping
with the light on at night.

Girl, you know
you're not scared of the dark.

No, but I'm scared of werewolves.

- What wolves?
- Werewolves.

Drew told me
he was going to turn into one.

She's been sleeping
with the light on for the last month.

There's no such thing as werewolves,
stupid.

Yes, there are.

In ancient folklore,

a werewolf is a man
who turns into a wolf

because he's been bitten
by another werewolf.

It happens over a full moon.

Boy, did you tell her that?

- What?
- I said, did you tell her that?

I was just playing.

Oh, there's about to be a full moon.

Get your behind upstairs.

Chris, cover your egg's ears.

Dang, Tonya.

Now!

How many times do I have to tell you?

Stop telling your sister
all that foolishness!

- Pass the biscuits.
- And go get my belt.

Good thing it was Drew
getting a beating and not my egg.

You're overbearing and clingy.

If you keep it up,
you're going to be a single father, too.

20 years later, that's what
Greg's mail-order bride said.

This project sucks.

I know.

Listen, I got to tell you something.

Last time I heard that,
my mom ran off with my uncle.

Greg, I lost my egg.

What? That's an automatic "F."

I know, I know, but I replaced it.

Just let me know
if it looks like the real thing.

Wow, you did this?

Yeah. What do you think?

I think you're going to fail.

Your stamp's upside down.

Before Buffy slayed vampires,

Tonya tried o whack a werewolf.

What are you doing?!

If you're a werewolf,
the only way to kill you

is with a silver stake
through your heart.

I'm not a werewolf.
Werewolves are just make-believe.

It's a full moon,
Drew, don't play with me.

Are you a werewolf?
No, I promise. I'm not a werewolf.

Please don't kill me.

- Is it a hair growing through your arm?
- No, it's not. No, I swear.

- Are you lying?
- I'm not a werewolf,

- You better not be.
- Tonya, please.

Drew wouldn't be this scared again
until Tonya's birthday

when she asked for silver bullets.

This just doesn't make sense.

On my count, we're missing an egg.

I don't know, baby, maybe we ate it.

Hey, sweetie.

You ready for your big report?

No, I was ready
to have egg on my face.

I lost my egg.

Oh. That's not your egg?

No, this is the one
I took from the refrigerator

when I lost the other one.

Wait a minute.

You got me here like Columbo
trying to figure

how my food is disappearing,
and it's right there in your hand?

I was scared to tell you what happened.

I didn't want you to get mad.

See, Chris? That's my point.

If your real child was missing,
would you hide it from me?

- Yes.
- No.

Would you steal a white kid
and paint him brown?

- Yes.
- No, sir.

See, you thinking about the wrong thing.

The hardest thing about being a father

is not learning
how to care for somebody;

it's learning how to quit thinking
so much about yourself.

You know, I can't let you
go to class with a fake egg.

But I'm going to get an "F."

No, you're not.

Junebug? What...?

Monk brought it over.

Apparently,
when you weren't paying attention,

it got mixed in
with another customer's groceries.

Why didn't you tell me you had it?

Why didn't you tell me you lost it?

Here.

And the next time
you bring a baby in my house,

you better bring his mother,
and she better be your wife.

What I thought would be an easy "A"

ended up being one
of the hardest grades I've ever earned.

You know, I made fun of you

for taking this project so seriously,

but I actually learned something.

Me to.

Women are nuts
and private school's expensive.

Yeah, I don't want
to be father any time soon.

All right, class, take your seats
so we can get started.

I can't wait to hear all your reports.

Junebug!

Chris, why don't you start?

FRM/Birdyben/Sixe

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