Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,861 --> 00:00:04,890
Sliding on your butt,
front knee bent, hands up!
2
00:00:04,976 --> 00:00:07,342
That's why we teach you to pop up,
you can come up
3
00:00:07,405 --> 00:00:09,706
and hit him right into mouth
with a good elbow, right?
4
00:00:09,835 --> 00:00:13,204
No!
No, it's to protect your hands.
5
00:00:15,936 --> 00:00:17,436
- Whoa!
- What a cool airplane.
6
00:00:20,885 --> 00:00:22,970
I want to have one.
7
00:00:23,004 --> 00:00:25,949
Hey! Hey! Heads out of
your butts. Let's go.
8
00:00:25,984 --> 00:00:29,393
Come on, man. This game is
about commitment and focus.
9
00:00:29,444 --> 00:00:30,511
Committed!
You know who's committed?
10
00:00:30,529 --> 00:00:31,996
The Chinese. They're committed.
11
00:00:32,047 --> 00:00:34,665
And one day, they're gonna
come screaming up that beach
12
00:00:34,666 --> 00:00:37,284
in Santa Monica, and they're
gonna lop your heads off
13
00:00:37,318 --> 00:00:40,554
and send them to your mothers
in a little white to-go box!
14
00:00:40,588 --> 00:00:43,424
Right?
Now, let's go sliding.
15
00:00:43,458 --> 00:00:45,059
And for now, come in spikes high!
16
00:00:45,093 --> 00:00:46,944
Come on!
17
00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:50,074
Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
18
00:00:54,399 --> 00:00:55,646
Ow!
19
00:00:55,681 --> 00:00:57,738
Help! Help! Ow!
20
00:01:09,526 --> 00:01:11,318
All right. Good stuff.
21
00:01:11,353 --> 00:01:13,053
What?
That was good stuff?
22
00:01:13,088 --> 00:01:15,141
It's a disgrace.
23
00:01:15,176 --> 00:01:18,068
Ted Williams' head would
roll over in its freezer.
24
00:01:21,730 --> 00:01:24,348
Black Hawk is going down.
25
00:01:24,382 --> 00:01:27,161
Wow. He is in rare form today.
26
00:01:27,196 --> 00:01:30,033
Why has he been so mad
at us for the past week?
27
00:01:30,068 --> 00:01:31,406
This is a whole new level of mean.
28
00:01:31,441 --> 00:01:33,495
His forehead veins were
giving me the finger.
29
00:01:33,530 --> 00:01:35,476
My Dad gets mad like
that when my Mom's away.
30
00:01:35,510 --> 00:01:37,495
My brother says it's
because he's pent up.
31
00:01:37,529 --> 00:01:40,848
- What's pent up?
- When he needs to get some.
32
00:01:40,882 --> 00:01:44,199
- Some what?
- You know, the good stuff.
33
00:01:44,980 --> 00:01:47,258
Mom, does the Cannon need
some of the good stuff?
34
00:01:50,425 --> 00:01:53,344
That's the good stuff.
35
00:01:56,164 --> 00:01:59,266
Well, maybe some companionship
would be good for him.
36
00:02:02,020 --> 00:02:03,154
Here we go...
37
00:02:03,188 --> 00:02:05,038
Whoa.
38
00:02:07,442 --> 00:02:09,794
- You think?
- Definitely.
39
00:02:09,828 --> 00:02:12,770
I'm back
40
00:02:13,663 --> 00:02:16,663
1x03 - Play Hard or Go Home
41
00:02:20,805 --> 00:02:21,739
I'm back
42
00:02:21,890 --> 00:02:24,390
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ addic7ed.com ~
43
00:02:25,793 --> 00:02:31,215
Man, watching her pack up is way
hotter than watching coach Dave.
44
00:02:33,301 --> 00:02:35,586
If he were a deejay,
he'd be Wolfman back.
45
00:02:35,637 --> 00:02:39,556
- He's like ZZ bottom.
- Come on, guys. It's genetic.
46
00:02:39,591 --> 00:02:42,092
There's nothing a man can
do about his body hair.
47
00:02:42,143 --> 00:02:43,844
Shut up, Stan.
Hey, rookie!
48
00:02:45,046 --> 00:02:47,213
Come over here.
I need to talk to you for a sec.
49
00:02:49,383 --> 00:02:51,217
Or I can come to you.
That's fine.
50
00:02:55,221 --> 00:02:58,492
Check it out.
It's my condom supply for the month.
51
00:02:58,526 --> 00:03:00,077
I'm kidding.
52
00:03:00,111 --> 00:03:02,246
- Classy, Dick.
- So I've been told.
53
00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:04,665
- By Stan?
- That's funny.
54
00:03:04,699 --> 00:03:07,451
Look, as the rookie coach,
you get the crappiest job.
55
00:03:07,502 --> 00:03:09,286
You got to run the
chocolate-bar fundraiser.
56
00:03:09,337 --> 00:03:11,622
Buy it. Sell it.
If you want to get kinky,
57
00:03:11,673 --> 00:03:13,123
melt it down and take a bath in it.
58
00:03:13,174 --> 00:03:14,791
But then be sure to
take a real bath after,
59
00:03:14,842 --> 00:03:19,429
'cause you're gonna be all...
you know... chocolaty.
60
00:03:20,565 --> 00:03:21,848
There needs to be eight
hundy in this cash box
61
00:03:21,866 --> 00:03:24,434
by the end of the week,
or it's your ass.
62
00:03:24,469 --> 00:03:26,403
Unless you're not up for it.
I can find another coach.
63
00:03:26,437 --> 00:03:27,838
- That won't be a problem.
- Oh, please.
64
00:03:27,872 --> 00:03:29,155
I'm gonna sell so much chocolate,
65
00:03:29,173 --> 00:03:31,141
it's gonna make you
cry like a bitch, bitch.
66
00:03:31,192 --> 00:03:34,989
That's dirty talk, and I like it.
I'll see you Monday.
67
00:03:36,496 --> 00:03:38,829
Pull your pants up, Dave!
68
00:03:38,950 --> 00:03:40,367
Hey!
69
00:03:40,401 --> 00:03:42,836
Speed it up, or I'm gonna get my car
and chase you around with it!
70
00:03:42,870 --> 00:03:45,756
Brakes are shot!
71
00:03:45,807 --> 00:03:49,042
Dong, where is your pride, man?
72
00:03:51,329 --> 00:03:53,563
What a bum.
73
00:03:55,283 --> 00:03:58,877
- Hey, Danny. Did you hear
about David and Vanessa? - No.
74
00:03:58,912 --> 00:04:01,388
Oh, they had a ginormous
fight in the cafeteria.
75
00:04:01,422 --> 00:04:04,991
Tater tots were thrown, tears were shed.
It was Kardashian crazy.
76
00:04:05,009 --> 00:04:07,894
- So?
- "So?" You like her!
77
00:04:07,929 --> 00:04:09,896
This is your window to
get in there with her.
78
00:04:09,914 --> 00:04:12,349
Find your inner Angelina
and take out Aniston.
79
00:04:12,383 --> 00:04:15,135
OMG! There she is!
80
00:04:28,349 --> 00:04:30,083
Hey, remember when we were
at the bank the other day
81
00:04:30,117 --> 00:04:32,853
and you were flirting with
that tall, skinny teller?
82
00:04:32,887 --> 00:04:35,022
- Oh, Karen, yeah.
- Karen. Yeah.
83
00:04:35,056 --> 00:04:38,141
You know, if I was 10 years younger,
I'd try to bust into that vault.
84
00:04:38,176 --> 00:04:40,494
- So, you like tall women?
- Tall, short, I don't care.
85
00:04:40,528 --> 00:04:43,347
It's all the same down at the "y,"
you know?
86
00:04:43,381 --> 00:04:47,467
So let's talk age, hmm?
Let's say a woman who was, uh, 60?
87
00:04:48,503 --> 00:04:49,486
50?
88
00:04:50,405 --> 00:04:53,106
- 40?! Oh, go look in the mirror.
- No, no, no, no.
89
00:04:53,141 --> 00:04:55,392
I am not knocking boots
with some blue hair, okay?
90
00:04:55,443 --> 00:04:57,160
What the hell are you doing
with this machine, anyway?
91
00:04:57,195 --> 00:05:00,797
It is a seniors dating site.
I thought it would be nice
92
00:05:00,848 --> 00:05:02,566
if you found someone you
enjoyed spending some time with.
93
00:05:02,617 --> 00:05:05,168
You know, like a "from
here to eternity" moment.
94
00:05:05,203 --> 00:05:07,054
- That's the good stuff.
- Yeah.
95
00:05:07,088 --> 00:05:09,473
So just answer some questions
and see what happens, okay?
96
00:05:09,507 --> 00:05:11,742
- You're kidding.
- What kind of hair do you like?
97
00:05:11,793 --> 00:05:14,036
- Brazilian.
- On her head, Dad!
98
00:05:14,071 --> 00:05:16,596
Uh...
it's got to be long.
99
00:05:16,630 --> 00:05:21,068
None of that, um, tennis lady hair.
You know me.
100
00:05:21,102 --> 00:05:24,721
Just a nice gal who'll watch
a ballgame with me on TV,
101
00:05:24,756 --> 00:05:26,456
uh, after we boff.
102
00:05:26,491 --> 00:05:29,393
Can I say "make love"?
103
00:05:29,427 --> 00:05:32,062
That would be "boff."
Type it. Two F's.
104
00:05:32,096 --> 00:05:34,447
- "Boff."
- You are not taking this seriously.
105
00:05:34,465 --> 00:05:37,384
You got it, Sherlock.
I am not doing this.
106
00:05:38,418 --> 00:05:40,971
"Make... love."
107
00:05:41,005 --> 00:05:44,091
Bo-o-ff.
108
00:05:46,836 --> 00:05:49,569
Okay, you each need
to sell 20 bars, okay?
109
00:05:49,603 --> 00:05:52,555
Smile and be charming.
Hey, Dudley, no snacking.
110
00:05:52,590 --> 00:05:53,756
Next time.
111
00:05:53,774 --> 00:05:55,637
Okay, sell!
112
00:05:58,028 --> 00:06:00,447
So, did you get any replies
to the Cannon's profile?
113
00:06:00,498 --> 00:06:03,116
Oh, one. Yeah. A guy who
calls himself "diaper dude"
114
00:06:03,150 --> 00:06:07,520
who likes getting punched by old men.
Point is, he is not an easy sell.
115
00:06:07,571 --> 00:06:11,124
Last night, I saw him drinking
the juice from a can of clams.
116
00:06:11,175 --> 00:06:13,426
I mean, it's not like I can just go
to the store and buy him a girlfriend.
117
00:06:13,461 --> 00:06:16,298
[ The Stranglers' "Peaches" plays ]
118
00:06:16,333 --> 00:06:18,948
- Well, actually, maybe you can.
- Hmm?
119
00:06:22,253 --> 00:06:25,989
Oh, Lulu.
I love you.
120
00:06:26,023 --> 00:06:29,509
Circle up, boys! New plan!
Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!
121
00:06:29,543 --> 00:06:31,027
Okay, very important, all right?
122
00:06:31,061 --> 00:06:33,296
If you want the Cannon
to stop yelling at you,
123
00:06:33,330 --> 00:06:35,081
help me find him a lady friend.
124
00:06:35,116 --> 00:06:37,750
Okay? This place is crawling
with potential women.
125
00:06:37,802 --> 00:06:40,987
45-60 is our target age.
Short, tall, big, small.
126
00:06:41,021 --> 00:06:43,289
If there's a ring on her left
hand, don't waste your time.
127
00:06:43,324 --> 00:06:46,242
If there's a tan line, she's
shady and ready to party.
128
00:06:46,260 --> 00:06:49,979
Okay! Let's do this!
Angles! 1, 2, 3!
129
00:06:49,997 --> 00:06:50,980
Angles!
130
00:06:50,998 --> 00:06:52,298
Whoo! Whoo!
131
00:06:54,835 --> 00:06:58,037
His name's the Cannon, and he
used to play professional baseball.
132
00:06:58,072 --> 00:06:59,839
All original hair. Original teeth.
133
00:06:59,874 --> 00:07:02,268
Smells like beer, but in a fun way.
134
00:07:02,303 --> 00:07:03,159
Hello, lady.
135
00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:05,446
I'd like to speak with you
136
00:07:05,519 --> 00:07:07,702
about matters of the heart.
137
00:07:07,737 --> 00:07:08,815
Hey, baby!
138
00:07:08,866 --> 00:07:10,283
You interested in an American guy
139
00:07:10,317 --> 00:07:13,002
with an unlimited
access to toilet paper?
140
00:07:17,258 --> 00:07:19,776
Hey, there, gorgeous.
Are you single?
141
00:07:20,728 --> 00:07:24,347
- Hey. Danny, Michael.
- Hey, Vanessa.
142
00:07:24,381 --> 00:07:26,816
- You know my mom?
- Um...
143
00:07:26,850 --> 00:07:29,002
Oh, my gosh! Don't
you love that iced tea?
144
00:07:29,036 --> 00:07:31,788
Totally. I like the random
facts on the bottle caps.
145
00:07:31,822 --> 00:07:34,257
"Kangaroos can't walk backwards."
146
00:07:34,291 --> 00:07:37,443
Danny likes something, too.
Right, Danny?
147
00:07:37,478 --> 00:07:42,065
Uh, d... um, k...
uh, b-baby k-kangaroos.
148
00:07:42,099 --> 00:07:43,867
Awesome.
You should send that in.
149
00:07:43,901 --> 00:07:48,356
I got to go catch up with my mom.
Uh, see ya.
150
00:07:48,391 --> 00:07:50,356
Sounds good. All right.
151
00:07:50,391 --> 00:07:53,993
Coach Terry, I believe
we have found our lady.
152
00:07:54,028 --> 00:07:56,196
- Hi, I'm Dotty.
- Hi.
153
00:07:56,230 --> 00:07:59,883
Well, you didn't run or call the cops,
so that's a good sign.
154
00:07:59,917 --> 00:08:01,718
Unless she's homeless.
Are you homeless, darling?
155
00:08:01,752 --> 00:08:02,818
'Cause you are very tanned.
156
00:08:02,836 --> 00:08:04,254
Oh, no. No. No.
I have a beach house.
157
00:08:04,288 --> 00:08:08,291
I like to get my hammock on.
The boys told me about your dad.
158
00:08:08,325 --> 00:08:10,810
Kind of a crazy way to meet
a guy, but what the hell?
159
00:08:10,844 --> 00:08:12,195
I like 'em rough around the edges.
160
00:08:12,229 --> 00:08:14,497
- What about hairy around the edges?
- I can work with that.
161
00:08:14,531 --> 00:08:18,376
And check this out ...
infield fly rule. Go.
162
00:08:18,411 --> 00:08:20,810
Oh, if a batter pops up and
there's less than two outs
163
00:08:20,845 --> 00:08:22,471
and a force on third,
it's an automatic out,
164
00:08:22,489 --> 00:08:24,290
regardless if the ball is caught.
165
00:08:25,893 --> 00:08:28,027
I used to sell beer at Dodger Stadium.
166
00:08:28,662 --> 00:08:31,631
Are you free tonight at 8:00?
167
00:08:31,665 --> 00:08:34,117
Oh, this is ridiculous. Just come
meet Dotty for 20 minutes, please?
168
00:08:34,151 --> 00:08:35,485
Baggin' on that.
169
00:08:35,519 --> 00:08:37,837
Kershaw's pitching,
and I got to get through
170
00:08:37,872 --> 00:08:40,112
this salmon jerky before it expires.
171
00:08:40,491 --> 00:08:42,775
Hmm.
172
00:08:42,810 --> 00:08:46,395
- Is that a toothpick necklace?
- Had it made special.
173
00:08:46,413 --> 00:08:49,265
It saves me a ton of
money on toothpicks.
174
00:08:49,299 --> 00:08:50,566
Do you ever wash it?
175
00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:52,018
What, am I gonna catch
something from myself?
176
00:08:52,052 --> 00:08:53,753
Why don't you think before you talk?
177
00:08:53,787 --> 00:08:55,772
Hey, I busted my ass
to find someone for you!
178
00:08:55,806 --> 00:08:58,174
The entire internet turned you down.
179
00:08:58,208 --> 00:08:59,642
I found her in a parking lot, all right?
180
00:08:59,677 --> 00:09:01,060
You are going on this date!
181
00:09:01,095 --> 00:09:03,190
Let me tell you, if
this house was on fire,
182
00:09:03,225 --> 00:09:05,892
I would sit here and burn like a monk.
183
00:09:06,550 --> 00:09:10,440
He throws the fastball.
It's a hard hit.
184
00:09:10,510 --> 00:09:12,522
Hey, give me that.
What the hell are you doing?
185
00:09:12,556 --> 00:09:14,557
- What did you press? Come on.
- Hmm?
186
00:09:14,575 --> 00:09:18,361
- Come on. Get rid of the snow.
- Yeah, try that one.
187
00:09:18,395 --> 00:09:22,429
- "HD" might ... oh, come on!
- Oh, that didn't work? Oh, no.
188
00:09:22,464 --> 00:09:24,287
- Fix this.
- Oh, I'll fix it...
189
00:09:24,322 --> 00:09:29,224
if you go on this date.
Pick that out of your teeth.
190
00:09:30,307 --> 00:09:32,492
You got to go to M.I.T.
for this stupid...
191
00:09:32,526 --> 00:09:37,249
What the hell is this?!
Piece of crap!
192
00:09:37,284 --> 00:09:39,699
Dad, this is Dotty Sanchez.
She is divorced.
193
00:09:39,750 --> 00:09:41,651
- Her son lives in Chicago.
- Mm-hmm.
194
00:09:41,685 --> 00:09:44,904
And she has a basset
hound named Kevin Kline.
195
00:09:44,955 --> 00:09:46,372
Yeah, well, when he was a puppy,
196
00:09:46,457 --> 00:09:48,341
his cute little face
reminded me of Kevin Kline.
197
00:09:49,393 --> 00:09:51,286
And... goodbye.
198
00:09:51,912 --> 00:09:54,097
Think of the TV.
199
00:09:54,131 --> 00:09:57,417
It's gonna be snowing every
damn day of your miserable life.
200
00:09:57,451 --> 00:09:59,668
Hmm, yeah.
201
00:09:59,687 --> 00:10:02,004
Anyway, found you in a parking lot,
202
00:10:02,039 --> 00:10:03,378
he almost killed a guy in a parking lot.
203
00:10:03,413 --> 00:10:05,291
Discuss. Have fun.
204
00:10:07,695 --> 00:10:09,562
Hey. Look who's here.
205
00:10:09,646 --> 00:10:11,497
How's the chocolate sale coming, Terry?
206
00:10:11,548 --> 00:10:13,516
Did you, uh...
did you take that bath yet?
207
00:10:13,550 --> 00:10:16,035
Just dropping off my Dad.
He's on a date, thanks to me.
208
00:10:16,070 --> 00:10:17,503
- Where's your date?
- Where's your date?
209
00:10:17,538 --> 00:10:19,339
- Yeah, where's your date?
- Where's your date?
210
00:10:19,390 --> 00:10:21,274
Uh, well, just got her number.
211
00:10:21,325 --> 00:10:24,560
So that deal is closed...
like circuit city.
212
00:10:24,578 --> 00:10:26,826
Anyway, look.
213
00:10:26,861 --> 00:10:28,481
Say no more, rookie, 'cause
I got you all figured out.
214
00:10:28,515 --> 00:10:29,949
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
215
00:10:29,983 --> 00:10:32,431
Your ex wrecked you, and you're
scared to start dating again.
216
00:10:32,466 --> 00:10:34,563
So, what do you do? You take
your dad out to test the waters.
217
00:10:34,598 --> 00:10:36,208
You have no idea what
you're talking about.
218
00:10:36,243 --> 00:10:38,374
Struck a nerve, huh?
219
00:10:38,409 --> 00:10:41,177
- That's kind of hot.
- No. Not everything is hot.
220
00:10:41,211 --> 00:10:43,239
Like that right there
you just did? It's hot.
221
00:10:43,274 --> 00:10:45,448
No! Stop getting aroused by my anger!
I'm walking away now.
222
00:10:45,482 --> 00:10:49,268
I can't wait for that...
'cause it's gonna be... so hot.
223
00:10:49,303 --> 00:10:51,571
- Oh, my god.
- And...
224
00:10:51,605 --> 00:10:54,390
- I'm right.
- Mm-hmm.
225
00:10:54,425 --> 00:10:57,948
[ Clarence Carter's "Strokin'" plays ]
226
00:10:58,195 --> 00:11:00,279
When I start making love
227
00:11:00,330 --> 00:11:02,131
I don't just make love
228
00:11:02,166 --> 00:11:03,916
I stroke it to the East
229
00:11:03,967 --> 00:11:06,352
and I stroke it to the West
230
00:11:06,387 --> 00:11:10,022
and I stroke it to the
woman that I love the best
231
00:11:10,057 --> 00:11:11,941
I be strokin'
232
00:11:14,328 --> 00:11:15,811
I stroke it to the ...
233
00:11:15,829 --> 00:11:18,114
strokin'
234
00:11:18,132 --> 00:11:21,584
Hey. Why did you turn off my Hi-Fi?
I'm strokin' over here.
235
00:11:21,602 --> 00:11:24,187
Why are you happy?
You are never happy.
236
00:11:25,388 --> 00:11:29,175
Wait.
Two cups of coffee.
237
00:11:29,226 --> 00:11:30,777
Oh, my god!
She's here, isn't she?!
238
00:11:30,811 --> 00:11:32,261
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Keep your voice down, loudmouth.
239
00:11:32,279 --> 00:11:33,463
She's just getting up.
240
00:11:33,497 --> 00:11:36,779
We, uh, had kind of
a long night, you know?
241
00:11:37,468 --> 00:11:39,435
- That is completely disgusting.
- Yeah.
242
00:11:39,453 --> 00:11:41,487
But good for you!
243
00:11:41,538 --> 00:11:43,823
There's my barrel-chested dreamboat.
244
00:11:43,874 --> 00:11:47,059
Hey, hey. Hi, babe.
245
00:11:49,746 --> 00:11:52,815
Hey, uh, this is, uh, my
beautiful daughter, Terry.
246
00:11:52,850 --> 00:11:54,817
- This is Barb.
- Hi, hon.
247
00:11:54,852 --> 00:11:56,402
After I get some nicotine in me,
248
00:11:56,453 --> 00:11:58,204
we'll take a shower and get
cleaned up for round two.
249
00:12:06,029 --> 00:12:07,163
W-what is that?!
250
00:12:07,197 --> 00:12:09,549
Oh, you see, uh, Dotty,
she's really sweet,
251
00:12:09,583 --> 00:12:11,551
but to tell you the truth,
we just didn't click.
252
00:12:11,585 --> 00:12:15,054
So I walked over to this
dive bar, and I met Barb.
253
00:12:15,139 --> 00:12:20,126
And I got to tell you, she is terrific.
So, to be honest,
254
00:12:20,177 --> 00:12:22,728
I think I'm gonna spend
some time with this one.
255
00:12:26,767 --> 00:12:30,770
Is she okay? It sounds like
her lungs are about to explode.
256
00:12:30,821 --> 00:12:35,034
Hey, nothing wrong with those lungs.
She held her breath like a dolphin.
257
00:12:36,279 --> 00:12:37,026
You know, I got to tell you,
258
00:12:37,060 --> 00:12:39,695
if it wasn't for you
pushing me the way you did,
259
00:12:39,729 --> 00:12:43,897
I'd have never met, uh, Barb here.
And so thank you.
260
00:12:44,701 --> 00:12:45,785
Is there a pool in this house?
261
00:12:47,621 --> 00:12:50,840
Oh, that's not a clean thing.
262
00:12:50,874 --> 00:12:53,342
Is she terrific, or what?
263
00:12:58,746 --> 00:13:01,064
Cannon, I just passed Barb.
She's turning blue.
264
00:13:02,232 --> 00:13:05,501
Oh, it's a touch of
Emphysema. She'll shake it.
265
00:13:06,687 --> 00:13:09,989
Why do they make these things
childproof if they're for children?!
266
00:13:10,023 --> 00:13:14,077
- What's the problem, buddy?
- Nothing.
267
00:13:14,111 --> 00:13:16,813
Girls.
How did you get Barb to like you?
268
00:13:16,847 --> 00:13:18,748
Oh, well...
269
00:13:18,782 --> 00:13:22,685
Uh, we sat down and
we talked for a while.
270
00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:25,621
I got her loaded and asked her nicely
to join me in the men's room.
271
00:13:25,656 --> 00:13:28,124
Every single part of that
sentence would get me expelled.
272
00:13:28,158 --> 00:13:31,010
- You got your eye on a girl?
- I just don't know what to do.
273
00:13:31,028 --> 00:13:34,180
Look, it's like I told you in
practice, right? You got to commit.
274
00:13:34,214 --> 00:13:36,365
You just go up and
tell 'em how you feel.
275
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:37,617
Now, if she doesn't like you back,
276
00:13:37,651 --> 00:13:39,252
she's a bum and you
don't want her anyway.
277
00:13:39,286 --> 00:13:40,520
So, I just walk up and tell her?
278
00:13:40,554 --> 00:13:42,238
I mean, if you want to make
a real impression, right,
279
00:13:42,289 --> 00:13:45,558
then, uh, just do something,
uh, you know, thoughtful.
280
00:13:46,827 --> 00:13:50,646
You know, girls, they, uh...
they eat that crap up.
281
00:13:50,681 --> 00:13:54,167
There you go.
Take a hike.
282
00:13:54,201 --> 00:13:57,186
- Hey. I brought dinner.
- My nose never lies.
283
00:13:57,221 --> 00:14:01,441
I smell pizza and brake
fluid like sharks smell blood.
284
00:14:01,475 --> 00:14:04,957
Barb.
Now wearing my clothes.
285
00:14:05,179 --> 00:14:07,113
Yeah, she, uh ...
she fixed the TV.
286
00:14:07,147 --> 00:14:08,331
She's a wiz at electrics.
287
00:14:08,365 --> 00:14:11,818
I was gonna be an astronaut.
But after apollo 13,
288
00:14:11,852 --> 00:14:13,920
you're not allowed to
smoke on a rocket ship.
289
00:14:13,954 --> 00:14:15,388
So there goes that dream!
290
00:14:22,980 --> 00:14:25,715
What the hell is going on?
291
00:14:25,766 --> 00:14:27,183
Look, the poor thing, she's
in between places, you know?
292
00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:29,452
So, uh, I told her she
could bunk here for a while.
293
00:14:29,503 --> 00:14:32,021
- "A while"?
- I left it open-ended.
294
00:14:32,055 --> 00:14:33,506
We can't live with that woman!
295
00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:35,424
She washed her flip
flops in the dishwasher.
296
00:14:35,459 --> 00:14:36,726
Now we need new dishes!
297
00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:39,912
Gee, that's, uh...
I mean, that's too bad.
298
00:14:39,946 --> 00:14:41,644
'Cause, I mean, me and Barb
are kind of connected.
299
00:14:41,679 --> 00:14:43,232
I mean, that's what
you wanted, isn't it?
300
00:14:43,283 --> 00:14:44,700
Yes. When this began,
that's what I wanted.
301
00:14:44,735 --> 00:14:46,285
I wanted you happy
and nicer to the kids.
302
00:14:46,303 --> 00:14:48,771
- Boom! It worked.
- But now I'm miserable!
303
00:14:48,822 --> 00:14:51,607
I can't take it, and I want
"Mucus Mary" out of this house.
304
00:14:51,642 --> 00:14:58,727
- Lung butter churned, daddy!
- Oh, that is one of Danny's socks!
305
00:14:59,466 --> 00:15:02,702
Yeah, dairy's really gonna help
that whole situation.
306
00:15:02,736 --> 00:15:04,837
Mmm, it's delicious.
307
00:15:04,855 --> 00:15:08,825
The next kid to drop a ball
is running bases till he's 16!
308
00:15:09,877 --> 00:15:11,110
Hey!
Start running, Governor Christie!
309
00:15:11,128 --> 00:15:13,012
What's your problem, lady?
310
00:15:13,046 --> 00:15:16,032
Hey, right now! Go!
Five laps! All of you!
311
00:15:16,066 --> 00:15:17,016
Now!
312
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:21,437
Mom, what's your problem?
You seem just pent up like the Cannon.
313
00:15:21,488 --> 00:15:24,023
It's that Barb.
She is driving me crazy.
314
00:15:24,041 --> 00:15:25,991
This morning, I caught
her using a hair dryer
315
00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:27,527
to warm up an egg sandwich.
316
00:15:27,561 --> 00:15:29,278
There was burnt cheese
all over the nozzle,
317
00:15:29,313 --> 00:15:32,732
which ended up being delicious,
but I can't take it anymore!
318
00:15:32,766 --> 00:15:35,184
- Well, the Cannon seems happier.
- Yeah, but now I'm a mess.
319
00:15:35,235 --> 00:15:36,702
A hot mess.
320
00:15:36,736 --> 00:15:39,455
- Oy.
- Hey, Terry, just a friendly reminder,
321
00:15:39,506 --> 00:15:42,775
I'm gonna need that chocolate
money in two-zero days.
322
00:15:42,809 --> 00:15:45,542
- 20 days?
- Zero-two. Darn.
323
00:15:45,577 --> 00:15:47,487
Look, don't try to put me down
324
00:15:47,522 --> 00:15:48,564
just 'cause you don't like
what I said the other night.
325
00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:51,167
You remember, Dr.
Dick's dating diagnosis.
326
00:15:51,218 --> 00:15:54,287
Okay, first off, if there's an "M.D." in
your name, it stands for "massive douche."
327
00:15:54,321 --> 00:15:58,174
Secondly, I have every right
to be a little cautious about dating.
328
00:15:58,225 --> 00:16:00,359
Oh, hey, I get that.
I mean, after my wife and I split up,
329
00:16:00,394 --> 00:16:01,661
I figured the next person I meet
330
00:16:01,695 --> 00:16:04,096
was just gonna stomp all over my heart.
331
00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:06,916
It took me a long time
to get back out there.
332
00:16:06,950 --> 00:16:09,902
Look, if you need to talk
to somebody about this,
333
00:16:09,936 --> 00:16:14,003
this guy is really good.
Call him.
334
00:16:14,038 --> 00:16:15,808
I promise you he will help,
and I need that money, okay?
335
00:16:15,826 --> 00:16:19,278
- Call him.
- Thanks.
336
00:16:19,313 --> 00:16:21,547
You're welcome.
337
00:16:23,533 --> 00:16:26,185
- This is your number, Dick!
- I know!
338
00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:27,603
- Mom?
- Hmm?
339
00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:30,206
Okay, so, today, after school,
I brought my chocolates by the gym
340
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:32,475
where the big people hang out ...
you know, Tubby's.
341
00:16:32,509 --> 00:16:34,243
And I just opened the box
and got out of the way.
342
00:16:34,294 --> 00:16:38,414
- Payday!
- Well played!
343
00:16:38,448 --> 00:16:40,532
That brings us to
$800, buddy! We did it!
344
00:16:41,468 --> 00:16:43,035
- Where's all the money?!
- Where's all the money?!
345
00:16:44,988 --> 00:16:46,889
Barb!
346
00:16:46,924 --> 00:16:48,524
Watch my skin there.
347
00:16:48,558 --> 00:16:53,129
- That phlegmy hag stole my money!
- Watch your mouth, Barbie!
348
00:16:53,180 --> 00:16:55,898
I'm not that phlegmy, and
I don't have your money.
349
00:16:55,949 --> 00:16:57,917
From this box? The money
from the chocolate sale?
350
00:16:57,951 --> 00:17:00,569
- Oh, that money. That's long gone.
- Well, get it back!
351
00:17:00,604 --> 00:17:04,623
The guys who have it don't like
it when you ask for it back.
352
00:17:04,641 --> 00:17:08,828
Get me my money back, or so help me,
I will smash your apnea mask!
353
00:17:08,862 --> 00:17:10,229
Now get the hell out of my house!
354
00:17:10,263 --> 00:17:14,800
Uh, relax, ladies. Just relax.
Barb, you, uh... you were a champ.
355
00:17:14,834 --> 00:17:17,637
We did great, uh, but you
can hit the bricks now, okay?
356
00:17:17,671 --> 00:17:18,754
Perfect!
357
00:17:18,805 --> 00:17:21,490
It's still happy hour
at the Airport Radisson.
358
00:17:24,745 --> 00:17:27,380
Okay, uh, where's she going?
Where is my money?
359
00:17:27,414 --> 00:17:29,398
And what the hell is going on here?!
360
00:17:29,449 --> 00:17:32,501
Barb, um... not really my girlfriend.
361
00:17:32,536 --> 00:17:35,688
She's just some lush from my bar.
I-I've known her for a while.
362
00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:39,141
So I paid her to hang out
here and to drive you nuts.
363
00:17:39,192 --> 00:17:40,660
That's crazy!
364
00:17:40,694 --> 00:17:44,230
I-I-I heard you two having
nasty, old-people sex.
365
00:17:44,264 --> 00:17:46,649
- She was here.
- What?!
366
00:17:46,683 --> 00:17:51,070
Wait. You brought Barb
here to put me in my place
367
00:17:51,104 --> 00:17:52,321
for sending you on a date,
368
00:17:52,356 --> 00:17:54,607
and then you paid her off
with my chocolate money?
369
00:17:54,641 --> 00:17:56,058
Bingo.
370
00:17:56,109 --> 00:17:59,022
I can come up with that crazy
kind of crap all day long.
371
00:17:59,463 --> 00:18:00,513
You shouldn't have meddled.
372
00:18:00,547 --> 00:18:04,116
I wasn't meddling, you idiot!
I worry about you, okay?
373
00:18:04,134 --> 00:18:06,435
I didn't want you to be alone
for the rest of your life!
374
00:18:06,486 --> 00:18:10,056
But you had to go break
my TV, and that's war.
375
00:18:10,090 --> 00:18:12,141
Oh, you are a mental patient!
376
00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:13,359
That is commitment.
377
00:18:14,461 --> 00:18:17,646
And hereth endeth the lesson.
378
00:18:19,232 --> 00:18:22,065
[ The Flirtations'
"Nothing but a heartache" plays ]
379
00:18:24,938 --> 00:18:27,873
Nothing but a heartache every day
380
00:18:27,908 --> 00:18:29,658
nothing but a heartache
381
00:18:29,710 --> 00:18:30,993
nothing but a tear
drop all of the way
382
00:18:31,044 --> 00:18:33,596
Whatever you're about
to say to Vanessa, don't.
383
00:18:33,631 --> 00:18:35,564
She and David are totes back together.
384
00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:37,700
loving a bad guy
is such a sin, yeah
385
00:18:37,734 --> 00:18:45,808
he's got me, oh,
why can't I get him?
386
00:18:45,859 --> 00:18:50,358
Nothing but a heartache
every day, yeah
387
00:18:50,393 --> 00:18:54,400
nothing but a heartache
nothing but a tear drop all of the way
388
00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:58,637
it's one situation that
I just can't win, yeah
389
00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:05,511
he's got me, oh,
why can't I get him?
390
00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:09,314
That's the good stuff!
391
00:19:13,719 --> 00:19:17,556
- Why do you look nice?
- None of your business.
392
00:19:19,726 --> 00:19:21,794
- Hey.
- Hi, Cannon.
393
00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:25,231
Hey, Dot.
Listen, uh, would you mind terribly
394
00:19:25,265 --> 00:19:28,067
- just waiting in the car for one minute?
- Oh, sure.
395
00:19:29,636 --> 00:19:31,403
Yeah.
396
00:19:31,438 --> 00:19:35,007
Uh, after she stopped yapping
about that silly dog and everything,
397
00:19:35,041 --> 00:19:37,276
we had a pretty nice time,
you know.
398
00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:39,411
She worked at Dodger Stadium, and, uh,
399
00:19:39,446 --> 00:19:42,498
she made it with Steve
Garvey, a good ballplayer.
400
00:19:42,532 --> 00:19:43,849
- So...
- Yeah.
401
00:19:43,883 --> 00:19:47,203
I figured I'd take her out for a...
a legitimate dinner, you know?
402
00:19:47,237 --> 00:19:48,854
Good for you.
403
00:19:48,889 --> 00:19:52,942
Anyway, um, you know what
you said about caring about me
404
00:19:52,976 --> 00:19:55,724
and being lonely and everything?
405
00:19:56,596 --> 00:19:59,281
Well, I ... I ...
I want the same for you.
406
00:19:59,316 --> 00:20:02,434
I hope someday you
find somebody, you know,
407
00:20:02,469 --> 00:20:05,221
really great, somebody really wonderful.
408
00:20:05,272 --> 00:20:07,389
Really?
409
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:10,142
No. I'll kill him.
410
00:20:10,176 --> 00:20:13,612
Anyway, uh...
411
00:20:17,650 --> 00:20:20,223
Don't wait up.
412
00:20:20,487 --> 00:20:22,621
Whatever I get in my teeth
tonight, I'm keeping it.
413
00:20:22,656 --> 00:20:23,973
Hmm.
414
00:20:25,767 --> 00:20:28,798
And right back to disgusting.
415
00:20:39,336 --> 00:20:42,121
- Terry!
- Yes?
416
00:20:42,288 --> 00:20:44,123
Where's my television set?
417
00:20:44,157 --> 00:20:47,541
Oh!
Uh, I sold it in order
418
00:20:47,576 --> 00:20:50,621
to get back the chocolate money
you gave to Barb.
419
00:20:50,656 --> 00:20:53,763
Now the lesson has endeth.
420
00:20:57,971 --> 00:21:00,062
That's my girl.
421
00:21:00,638 --> 00:21:04,695
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422
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423
00:21:08,111 --> 00:21:12,661
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