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1
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♪ You must remember this
2
00:00:11,040 --> 00:00:13,634
♪ A kiss is still a kiss
3
00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:16,478
♪ A sigh is just a sigh
4
00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:22,835
♪ The fundamental things apply
5
00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:26,509
♪ As time goes by ♪
6
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Run! Oh!
7
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- Here. Keep the change.
- Thanks.
8
00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:45,750
Oh, blast!
9
00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:47,313
What are you doing?
10
00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:51,433
I dropped my keys. They must
have rolled somewhere. I can't find them.
11
00:00:51,480 --> 00:00:53,198
Keys can't roll.
12
00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:56,789
Coming from someone who's dry,
that's not a helpful remark.
13
00:00:56,840 --> 00:00:59,559
Oh, all right.
14
00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:04,439
- Perhaps they rolled in the gutter.
- You said keys couldn't roll.
15
00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:06,630
Bounced then. Bounced.
16
00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:15,151
Thanks a lot!
17
00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:20,272
There was something inevitable
about that, wasn't there?
18
00:01:20,320 --> 00:01:22,117
Oh!
19
00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:26,637
(Door bangs)
20
00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:29,240
What a day. I hope you got a cab.
21
00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:31,999
- We got a cab all right.
- Good grief.
22
00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:36,033
Some drivers are like kids with puddles -
they have to go in them.
23
00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:38,071
- I don't know.
- Honestly.
24
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,873
(Jean) They got splashed.
25
00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:45,799
What did I say earlier?
"Take your umbrellas. It looks like rain."
26
00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:47,671
You hold an umbrella over your head.
27
00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:50,280
- I know.
- They got splashed by a car.
28
00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:52,993
You should have got a cab.
29
00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:57,431
Yes, we did get a cab. When we got out,
we got splashed by a car.
30
00:01:57,480 --> 00:02:00,677
Why didn't you move away
from the kerb?
31
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:04,315
Because Judy dropped her keys.
We were looking for them.
32
00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:07,989
Why didn't you say so?
You look an awful mess.
33
00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:10,873
- Lionel!
- Well, they do.
34
00:02:10,920 --> 00:02:13,388
Cheer up.
It's only a few spots of mud.
35
00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:19,076
- Look at the state of this.
- Talk about insensitivity.
36
00:02:19,120 --> 00:02:22,476
- You knew I hadn't read it.
- Your insensitivity.
37
00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:26,229
- Like it was a joke.
- Well, they did look quite funny.
38
00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:28,236
What about the way they feel?
39
00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:31,238
Are you telling me
that their feelings were hurt
40
00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:33,111
because they got a bit muddy?
41
00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:34,957
In case you've forgotten,
42
00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:37,833
Judith has just turned down
a marriage proposal
43
00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:39,916
and Sandy's had a row with Harry.
44
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:43,475
What's that got to do
with being spattered with mud?
45
00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:45,317
Oh, really!
46
00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:52,638
They're just feeling a bit down,
a bit vulnerable at the moment
47
00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:57,629
and the last thing a woman wants
is to be told that she looks a mess.
48
00:02:57,680 --> 00:02:59,716
- Oh.
- Yes. "Oh".
49
00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:03,275
When they're changed,
I'll tell them how nice they look.
50
00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:06,199
Oh.
51
00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:13,556
I'll tell you something.
52
00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:16,277
If I was a woman...
53
00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:19,710
You haven't started cross-dressing,
have you?
54
00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:24,673
If I was a woman and I turned down...
55
00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:27,280
I emphasise "turned down".
56
00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:31,438
...a proposal of marriage,
why would I be depressed?
57
00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:33,436
Depends what sort of woman you were.
58
00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:35,391
Well, just the average sort of...
59
00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:39,956
- Would you be depressed?
- It depends who'd proposed.
60
00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:42,719
- What kind of answer is that?
- A reasonable one.
61
00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:46,116
Yes, but you've turned down
his proposal.
62
00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:49,994
The one who's turned down
should be sad, not the turner-down.
63
00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:52,270
Yours is a very black and white world.
64
00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:56,074
- Well, I just don't understand women.
- That's obvious.
65
00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:58,918
I mean, Sandy wasn't even proposed to.
66
00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:02,236
She would have been
if Harry hadn't had a rugby match.
67
00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:05,192
- He does love his rugby.
- Tell Sandy.
68
00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:08,471
- To get back to my point...
- I understand your point.
69
00:04:08,520 --> 00:04:11,830
- Really?
- Yes. It's totally invalid.
70
00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:15,239
Oh.
71
00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:18,670
Just accept the fact
that the girls are very down.
72
00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:21,280
Don't rationalise it, just accept it.
73
00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:24,392
- Almost forget it.
- No. I didn't say that.
74
00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:27,391
- No. I'm not doing it.
- What?
75
00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:30,557
I don't understand women
but I understand you.
76
00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:33,353
- I could take offence at that.
- I meant...
77
00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:36,472
I still don't understand
what you're refusing to do.
78
00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:38,511
Collude with your master plan.
79
00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:41,154
- I don't have one.
- It would go like this.
80
00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:45,512
We get Alistair and Harry round here
without telling the girls.
81
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:48,358
Then we turn the lights down low,
82
00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:50,675
sprinkle the place with rose petals
83
00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:53,188
and before you can say
Barbara Cartland
84
00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:55,231
they fall into each other's arms.
85
00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:59,394
- That's absurd.
- Which is why I want no part of it.
86
00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:02,000
- Rose petals!
- Well, gardenias then.
87
00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:05,911
Come back from Never Never Land.
88
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:09,430
A - you simply cannot contrive
something like that.
89
00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:12,040
B - if we tried it would go horribly wrong.
90
00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:16,073
And C - for the millionth time,
this is none of our business.
91
00:05:18,280 --> 00:05:19,759
Misery.
92
00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:23,832
Curmudgeon. Know-all.
93
00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:25,279
- Aha!
- What?
94
00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:29,154
- I'm right, aren't I?
- Well... I suppose so.
95
00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:31,953
I would never suggest
such a crackpot scheme.
96
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:33,513
Course not.
97
00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:38,111
- The fact is the girls are very low.
- They'll get over it.
98
00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:41,630
And we just stand by
and do nothing? Is that the idea?
99
00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:44,558
A "cherished dream"
might be a better description.
100
00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:46,636
So what are you going to do?
101
00:05:49,280 --> 00:05:51,271
What am I going to do?
102
00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:55,871
Uh-huh. Right. Got it.
103
00:05:56,760 --> 00:05:59,877
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Right. Got it.
104
00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:04,551
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Right.
105
00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:06,397
Got it.
106
00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:12,316
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Right. Right. Got it. Got it.
107
00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:15,193
Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup.
108
00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:18,710
Yup. Yup. Yup. Ciao. Ciao.
109
00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:22,349
- Sorry, Li.
- Oh, don't apologise.
110
00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:25,949
It's a pleasure to hear the English
language used so beautifully.
111
00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:34,640
Wasn't it Gertrude Stein who said,
"A word is a word is a word"?
112
00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:37,478
No. She said, "A rose is a rose is a rose."
113
00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:39,556
Whatever. Where were we?
114
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,477
- Japan.
- So we were.
115
00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:44,796
Now, this is highly confidential
for the moment, Li,
116
00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:47,718
but there is interest
in your book over there.
117
00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:51,196
Why would the Japanese be
interested in My Life In Kenya?
118
00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:55,199
The Japanese can be very inscrutable.
Or is that the Chinese?
119
00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:57,071
But - and here's the but -
120
00:06:57,120 --> 00:07:00,954
if you want an all-expenses paid
book signing in Tokyo, it's yours.
121
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:03,116
- No, thanks.
- Think about it.
122
00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:06,630
- No, thanks.
- No? Yes for the yen.
123
00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:10,753
If the Japanese are inscrutable enough
to buy the book, they will.
124
00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:14,998
Me being there with jet lag and my
two words of Japanese won't help.
125
00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:17,076
Whatever. You're the guv'nor.
126
00:07:18,080 --> 00:07:20,878
Just thought I'd put the ball on the spot,
127
00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:22,956
see if you wanted to take the penalty.
128
00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:25,468
- Do you have a moment?
- For you, eternity.
129
00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:28,353
Well, five minutes anyway.
What's the prob?
130
00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:31,551
Judy and Sandy.
Apparently they're both depressed.
131
00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:34,876
Sandy's had a row with Harry
and Judy's turned down your proposal.
132
00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:37,912
I'd be depressed
if I'd turned down my proposal.
133
00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:43,078
The way I understand it,
it wasn't saying no that's got her down,
134
00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:46,669
it's the way the proposal
was couched in the first place.
135
00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,631
"A port in a storm"?
136
00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:51,956
- I did not use those words.
- Well, whatever.
137
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:55,549
They need cheering up
and I thought you'd have some ideas.
138
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:58,194
Right. You tried anything so far?
139
00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:00,515
I told them how nice they looked.
140
00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:03,393
Twice.
141
00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:09,071
I also tried a joke with a piece
of bacon at breakfast
142
00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:11,395
but that fell fairly flat.
143
00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:14,238
Li, this is not major league stuff.
144
00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:16,430
It's not my speciality - cheering up.
145
00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:20,234
Whatever happened
to your non-interventionist policy?
146
00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:22,396
- It's in tatters.
- Jean?
147
00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:26,069
Mm. I turned my bedside light off
ten times last night.
148
00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:29,271
Of course, she didn't
say anything this morning.
149
00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:31,993
She just kept doing
that little nod she does.
150
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:37,831
Point taken. We know the prob,
we know the people...
151
00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:40,235
- We know the answer.
- Do we?
152
00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:43,397
Not yet. You'll have
to give me a little more time.
153
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,590
- (Jean) Hello!
- Hello.
154
00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:49,235
We had the weirdest woman
in the charity shop.
155
00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:52,272
She assumed you came in
for free clothes.
156
00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:57,792
Oh, Alistair!
Oh, am I pleased to see you!
157
00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:02,949
After that Judy business,
I thought our hugging days were over.
158
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:05,434
Nonsense. Have you, um?
159
00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:08,358
- I cracked.
- I knew you would.
160
00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:11,119
What are you going to do?
Are you going to hide?
161
00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:13,230
- Hide?
- Why should he hide?
162
00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:16,431
Well, so that
he can jump out on Judy.
163
00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:19,038
When she comes home.
164
00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:22,197
He can hardly jump out on her
when she's not here.
165
00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:26,119
- Lionel, don't be silly.
- You will jump to conclusions.
166
00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:29,675
Haven't you decided whether
Alistair jumps out on Judy?
167
00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:34,111
This may be hard to believe
but we haven't even considered it.
168
00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:36,549
Alistair's not here to propose again.
169
00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:39,797
I was seeking his advice
on ways to cheer up the girls.
170
00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:42,513
- Oh.
- Do you want the hug back?
171
00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:47,236
- No. I suppose I just hoped...
- (Judy) It's only me!
172
00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:48,759
- Judy.
- She's early.
173
00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:50,995
- I know she's early. Hide.
- Why?
174
00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:53,634
We don't want to be accused
of meddling. Hide.
175
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:57,593
- Where?
- Well, I... Lionel, sometimes!
176
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:01,919
Hello.
177
00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:04,035
Oh.
178
00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:06,071
Not exactly the big hello, is it?
179
00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:09,874
- What are you doing here?
- Here? Well...
180
00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:12,354
Don't bother. Mum, what are you up to?
181
00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:14,391
I'm tidying cushions.
182
00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:17,557
You didn't get Alistair round here
to tidy cushions.
183
00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:19,636
He came of his own accord.
184
00:10:19,680 --> 00:10:22,513
- I did. I did.
- Why?
185
00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:25,358
- Why?
- Yes. Why?
186
00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:31,196
Which brings me back
to the cushion tidier.
187
00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:32,719
To see Lionel.
188
00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:36,196
You're all acting strangely.
What's going on?
189
00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:39,073
All right now. Sit down, Judy.
190
00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:41,190
The truth of the matter is
191
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:45,677
that Lionel asked Alistair round
to talk about a personal matter.
192
00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:48,359
- Isn't that right, Lionel?
- Absolutely.
193
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:50,675
- Very personal.
- Deeply personal.
194
00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:53,359
I see. Why didn't he?
195
00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:55,960
It's so personal
he can't talk to me about it.
196
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:58,719
Hey, it's a guy thing.
197
00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:00,352
Don't ask what.
198
00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:03,276
No. Well, I won't.
199
00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:06,869
- Sorry, Lionel.
- Do I get a sorry?
200
00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:10,799
A very tiny one.
I'm going upstairs to change.
201
00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:14,719
Wow. We were on a knife edge there.
Quick thinking, lovely lady.
202
00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:16,079
It wasn't bad.
203
00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:21,159
What are you looking
so miserable about?
204
00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:24,670
I'm just wondering
what my deeply personal problem is.
205
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:34,750
- Hello, Lionel.
- Hello.
206
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:36,791
- Are you all right?
- Yes.
207
00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:39,832
I'm just having a late... light breakfast.
208
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,878
- No. I'll do it.
- Oh, thanks.
209
00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:49,791
No, no. I'll do it.
210
00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:54,317
There we are.
211
00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:00,760
- Thank you.
- There.
212
00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:14,999
Look, I know I'm a girl,
but you can talk to me.
213
00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:18,150
- I do talk to you.
- Yes.
214
00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:21,158
But we're friends.
We're very good friends.
215
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:24,909
We can talk about anything.
We can even talk about sex.
216
00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:29,670
I'm not very good at that.
217
00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:31,517
Oh, I see.
218
00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:38,029
Talking about it, I mean.
219
00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:39,479
Oh, good.
220
00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:42,908
You've been having
a girlie chat with Judy.
221
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:47,875
Well, she did tell me that
you had some sort of problem.
222
00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:51,435
- It's not that problem.
- No. That's why I said good.
223
00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:54,396
I bring all my problems to you.
224
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:57,352
- No, you don't.
- Well, most of them.
225
00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:04,517
Look, Lionel... If you won't tell me,
you must tell Jean.
226
00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:08,473
For reasons you wouldn't understand,
there's nothing I can tell Jean.
227
00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:10,909
- But why?
- Because...
228
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:14,873
Well, because I don't want her
to know about it, all right?
229
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:17,951
Oh. Right.
230
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:29,236
Another woman?
Of course there's not another woman.
231
00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:31,874
So why doesn't
he want you to know about it?
232
00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:36,152
- He said it so definitely.
- Lionel's prone to overstatement.
233
00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:38,555
Anyway, there's someone
who can help - me.
234
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:41,751
How can you if he won't
even talk to you about it?
235
00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:45,395
No, no. I didn't mean me.
I meant Alistair can help him.
236
00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:49,069
- Why did you say "me" then?
- Force of habit, I suppose.
237
00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:52,237
Anyway, it's nothing to do
with another woman.
238
00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:54,669
- You don't know.
- I do.
239
00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:56,756
- How can you?
- Well, because...
240
00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:59,712
When Lionel said he had a problem
241
00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:02,194
that he thought Alistair
could help him with,
242
00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:07,030
he stressed that it wasn't to do
with his health or another woman.
243
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,196
Now, please can I get on?
244
00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:12,037
You don't seem very worried.
245
00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:15,356
Of course I'm worried.
I'm sick with worry.
246
00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:17,960
I just don't want to worry Lionel.
247
00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:21,549
- He must be worried anyway.
- It will worry him more.
248
00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:23,238
Oh.
249
00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:28,638
- There's something else.
- Stop following me.
250
00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:32,832
Since when has Lionel ever been
able to keep a secret from you?
251
00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:35,110
Why haven't you wheedled it
out of him?
252
00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:39,312
Well, I did try, but he's not
wheedle-able on this one.
253
00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:41,590
You never give up this easily.
254
00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:43,995
Well, I have. Let that be an end to it.
255
00:14:44,040 --> 00:14:45,598
There's something else.
256
00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:50,191
I'm going to get some cornflakes.
That stuff tastes like horse feed.
257
00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:52,037
- I'm coming with you.
- Why?
258
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:55,390
- Company.
- I shan't get lonely.
259
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:57,431
I'm coming with you, all right?
260
00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:04,191
She knows more than she's saying.
261
00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:08,392
Yes. We should be bats.
They like being kept in the dark.
262
00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:10,112
(Phone)
263
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:14,678
Hello.
264
00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:16,278
Alistair.
265
00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:19,312
Lionel? No, he's gone
to get some cornflakes.
266
00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:21,157
Not long I shouldn't think.
267
00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:22,872
(Whispers) Ask him about Lionel.
268
00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:25,036
Um... Can I take a message?
269
00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:29,070
No. Didn't think so.
270
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:32,913
Yup. OK, fine.
Just a minute. Where are you?
271
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:36,910
No, no. I just wondered.
272
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:38,712
Bye.
273
00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:40,318
Why did you ask where he is?
274
00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:43,318
Have you heard
of the weakest link in the chain?
275
00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:46,113
Oh.
276
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:55,709
Alistair. Alistair, come back!
This is silly.
277
00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:58,399
I have an urgent appointment.
278
00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:02,672
- Five minutes. That's all we want.
- I don't have any minutes.
279
00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:08,439
Alistair?
280
00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:18,753
Oh!
281
00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:20,153
Shh!
282
00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:23,590
Help! Murder! Murder!
283
00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:26,154
Stop doing that!
284
00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:30,278
- Judy?
- Over there.
285
00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:34,477
- Help! Help! Murder!
- Shh!
286
00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:37,432
- Murder!
- (Judy) Alistair, we want to talk.
287
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:41,029
- My God! You're a gang!
- We are not a gang.
288
00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:43,674
Look what you're doing to these shoes!
289
00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:45,517
Look at that.
290
00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:48,437
Stop thief!
291
00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:50,948
- Stop thief!
- Make your mind up, do.
292
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:56,472
Help! Stop!
He's stealing your car! Thief!
293
00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:58,078
Thief!
294
00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:00,917
Stay away from me!
295
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:04,635
- It's all right. We're chasing him.
- What did he do with you?
296
00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:07,877
- Nothing. We want to talk to him.
- That's why we're chasing him.
297
00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:11,310
Oh! Help! Lunatics! Lunatics!
298
00:17:11,360 --> 00:17:14,033
- Lunatics!
- Don't worry! I'm here!
299
00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:16,196
Help! Help!
300
00:17:18,840 --> 00:17:22,230
Don't worry. I'm Security.
301
00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:30,388
Me, Alistair Deacon running away
from two beautiful women.
302
00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:33,637
- Has the world gone mad?
- It's teetering on the brink.
303
00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:36,752
- Say you don't know anything.
- I don't know anything.
304
00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:40,315
But I'm supposed to be helping
Lionel with his problem.
305
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:43,113
- Oh, yes.
- My deeply personal problem.
306
00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:45,310
Which they assume I know about.
307
00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:47,669
And I must know, mustn't I?
308
00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:49,950
The girls are pestering me as well.
309
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:51,319
Oh.
310
00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:55,990
All right, I admit.
It was a silly spur-of-the-moment fib.
311
00:17:56,040 --> 00:18:00,238
- Lie.
- Lie... Lie then. That backfired.
312
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:03,716
We have to decide
exactly what your problem is.
313
00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:05,796
She's sitting beside me.
314
00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:08,639
Is that helpful?
315
00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:10,511
See it from my point of view.
316
00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:13,313
Even if we make up
some imaginary prob,
317
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:16,477
Judy and Sandy could still
try to make me tell them.
318
00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:20,911
What if they lock me in a room
and take their clothes off? I'd crack.
319
00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:23,394
I don't think they'd go that far, do you?
320
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:26,277
No... probably not.
321
00:18:26,320 --> 00:18:31,155
Your master stroke is to decide exactly
what my personal problem is, right?
322
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:34,875
- Yes.
- But we still mustn't tell them.
323
00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:37,753
- Oh.
- A whisper of silk, you see.
324
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:38,869
- Alistair...
- No.
325
00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:42,390
- Stay with your lurid fantasy.
- Whatever you say.
326
00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:44,908
- You crack?
- I'd hold out as long as I could.
327
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:47,474
But you do crack,
or Jean cracks or I crack.
328
00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:49,875
Either way it's out in the open.
329
00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:53,196
It wouldn't matter, really.
Come as a bit of a relief.
330
00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:57,153
There won't be any relief.
They'll want to help me solve it.
331
00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:00,191
Look, the way I see it...
332
00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:05,871
- You can't complete that sentence.
- Yes, I can.
333
00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:11,191
The way I see it...
It's a mess, isn't it?
334
00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:14,232
- A total mess.
- How did we get into it?
335
00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:17,590
- That was Lionel's fault.
- My fault?!
336
00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:20,234
You got Alistair involved
in the first place.
337
00:19:20,280 --> 00:19:23,477
- Yes, I know...
- Who explained his presence? Me.
338
00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:27,069
- Which got us into the mess.
- It's no use flouncing out.
339
00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:31,193
I'm not flouncing anywhere.
I'm going to sort this out.
340
00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:34,350
He's going to tell them the truth.
341
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:36,277
Don't just sit there.
342
00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:40,711
I don't want to rain on your parade
but mightn't it be for the best?
343
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:46,909
But you see it all the time,
people caught on security videos -
344
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:48,757
thieves, shoplifters.
345
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:50,916
We didn't steal anything.
346
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:52,951
All we did was frighten a woman
347
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:55,309
and run away from a guard with a limp.
348
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:58,158
- But what if we're identified?
- How?
349
00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:02,318
- They have records, don't they?
- Yes, but we don't.
350
00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:04,078
- (Door bangs)
- Who's that?
351
00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:07,874
Well, it can't be the Flying Squad
unless they've got a key.
352
00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:10,434
- Good. You're both here.
- Hello, Lionel.
353
00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:12,675
Stop saying hello like that.
354
00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:15,518
I'm sorry.
355
00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:19,599
Now, look here,
it's time you two knew the truth.
356
00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:22,950
This deeply personal problem of mine...
357
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:24,991
And please stop that.
358
00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:29,593
Well, the fact of the matter is
359
00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:33,155
that I don't have a problem,
deeply personal or otherwise.
360
00:20:34,360 --> 00:20:35,998
No, I don't.
361
00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:38,190
You mean it's just gone away?
362
00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:40,993
No. There wasn't one in the first place.
363
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:43,918
- There wasn't.
- So why did you say there was?
364
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:46,679
Jean said it actually,
but that doesn't matter.
365
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:50,190
Look, Judy when you came home
and Alistair was here,
366
00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:54,279
we didn't want you to think that
we were meddling, so Jean... we...
367
00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:57,949
pretended he'd come to see me
about some problem.
368
00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:01,754
- So why was he here?
- To ask me if I wanted to go to Tokyo.
369
00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:04,633
Oh, come on, Lionel!
370
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:06,955
No, it's true.
371
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:10,356
But Jean had mentioned
that you both needed cheering up,
372
00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:13,597
so I asked Alistair
to come up with something.
373
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:18,031
Then you walked in
and Jean did a little improvisation
374
00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:20,071
and it just spiralled, that's all.
375
00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:23,032
So now perhaps we can forget it
376
00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:25,833
and I can stop feeling
I'm living in a madhouse.
377
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:28,957
All right?
378
00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:33,909
Do you believe that?
379
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:35,951
Not for a single moment.
380
00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:47,392
- You were a long time.
- I had some hot chocolate with the girls.
381
00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:51,479
- You didn't offer me one.
- You weren't down there.
382
00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:54,557
Oh. Got religion?
383
00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:57,160
- Why do you ask that?
- I don't know.
384
00:21:57,200 --> 00:22:00,954
It's just one those books
I think I've read but never have.
385
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:04,595
- What's it about?
- I don't want to give the plot away.
386
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:09,157
We chatted.
The girls told me what you said.
387
00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:12,351
Somebody had to put a stop
to that nonsense.
388
00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:14,994
- Didn't they?
- I doubt if anyone can.
389
00:22:15,040 --> 00:22:19,352
- I just did.
- You didn't. They didn't believe you.
390
00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:23,470
But I told them the absolute truth.
391
00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:27,308
Let's face it, it comes out
as a rather flimsy story.
392
00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:32,109
- I'll join the Foreign Legion.
- Oh, really.
393
00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:37,109
I and my deeply personal problem
would be lost in the Sahara.
394
00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:39,549
They'd want to know
what drove you there.
395
00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:42,592
I wouldn't be around
to answer the question.
396
00:22:42,640 --> 00:22:44,153
You blame me for this?
397
00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:46,998
- Yes, I do.
- Oh... Where are you going?
398
00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:49,315
The Foreign Legion recruiting office.
399
00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:51,476
Oh, Lionel!
400
00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:53,715
You two, in here!
401
00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:56,638
- Come on! In here!
- All right!
402
00:22:56,680 --> 00:22:58,477
- Perhaps if we made up...
- No.
403
00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:01,557
We're not making anything up
again ever.
404
00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:06,310
- I was just going to bed.
- Not until this is sorted out.
405
00:23:06,360 --> 00:23:10,273
- What's all the shouting for?
- Just stand there and be quiet.
406
00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:14,998
- I didn't mean you.
- Well, I'm here now.
407
00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:17,395
All right. But this is for you two.
408
00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:22,479
- I will swear on this book...
- Lionel, that's Winnie The Pooh.
409
00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:30,238
...on this book that everything I say...
410
00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:33,397
Lionel, don't do this.
Don't perjure yourself.
411
00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:37,194
We'll never ask what's
really wrong again. We promise.
412
00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:39,356
But do tell Mum.
413
00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:43,277
I give up!
414
00:23:48,120 --> 00:23:51,669
- Good morning.
- Good morning. What a lovely day.
415
00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:55,599
Considering the mess we're in,
you're in a very good mood.
416
00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:59,997
I'm not in a mess.
I've abnegated all responsibility.
417
00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:04,875
I don't care if anyone ever believes
anything I ever say again.
418
00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:08,196
- That's a cop-out.
- That's the beauty of it.
419
00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:11,395
I did have one thought.
Plan B, actually.
420
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:14,352
- Which one was that?
- Solving your problem.
421
00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:16,550
You think I've actually got one?
422
00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:20,718
No, of course not. I did suggest it
in the pub but it got lost.
423
00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:23,433
- Everything's got lost somewhere.
- (Doorbell)
424
00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:25,118
(Judy) I'll get it.
425
00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:28,470
We decide what your problem is
and then solve it.
426
00:24:28,520 --> 00:24:32,513
- To what end?
- Maybe they'll believe a lie.
427
00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:36,394
I've just told you - I don't care
who believes what from now on.
428
00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:38,874
- Morning, folks.
- Morning, Alistair.
429
00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:40,911
Would you like some coffee?
430
00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:45,795
- Thanks. About the surprise...
- What surprise?
431
00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:48,593
I thought a surprise
might cheer the girls up.
432
00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:50,756
That's where all this started.
433
00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:53,268
- Seems an age ago, doesn't it?
- An age.
434
00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:56,471
A surprise is a good idea.
What is it, Alistair?
435
00:24:56,520 --> 00:24:58,795
- I can't think of one.
- Oh.
436
00:24:58,840 --> 00:25:02,310
This isn't a problem you can solve
by chucking plastic at it.
437
00:25:02,360 --> 00:25:04,032
This requires TLC
438
00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:08,153
and since Judy's hardly talking to me,
that might be difficult. Sorry.
439
00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:11,715
I wouldn't worry, Alistair.
The girls will come round.
440
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:15,309
- They're not that depressed.
- I wish you'd said that before.
441
00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:18,879
It just growed and growed, like Topsy.
442
00:25:18,920 --> 00:25:22,799
Could we have a word with you
and Lionel in the kitchen?
443
00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:25,035
Yes, of course. Come on, Lionel.
444
00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:31,789
I'm giving nothing but my name,
rank and serial number.
445
00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:36,352
Back to my lonely
bachelor existence, I suppose.
446
00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:38,630
No. Stay and finish your coffee.
447
00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:41,638
- What are you doing?
- Taking my jacket off.
448
00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:44,148
- Why?
- Because I'm hot.
449
00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:48,319
Why did you think
I was taking my jacket off?
450
00:25:48,360 --> 00:25:50,237
It could be to get information.
451
00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:52,799
Well, it could.
452
00:25:52,840 --> 00:25:56,594
Sometimes, Alistair,
you live in a dream world.
453
00:25:58,040 --> 00:25:59,598
Yes.
454
00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:04,710
Hardcastle.
Second Lieutenant. 22705971.
455
00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:09,593
- We won't ask any more questions.
- We're running out of answers.
456
00:26:09,640 --> 00:26:12,359
- You haven't told them?
- I was waiting for you.
457
00:26:12,400 --> 00:26:16,712
Mum, Lionel...
How would you like a surprise?
458
00:26:16,760 --> 00:26:19,877
Hardcastle.
Second Lieutenant. 22705971.
459
00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:23,595
- Lionel. What sort of surprise?
- A nice one, we hope.
460
00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:29,636
It's a country hotel in Kent
and it looks beautiful.
461
00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:31,955
And we've booked you in
for the weekend.
462
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:35,037
- The bridal suite.
- We're already married.
463
00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:38,755
Don't be pedantic.
This is a sweet idea, but why?
464
00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:41,837
We've been putting you through it
a bit lately,
465
00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:43,950
asking what your problem is.
466
00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:47,037
Hardcastle.
Second Lieutenant. 22705971.
467
00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:50,675
And we promise we won't stick
our noses in any more
468
00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:52,995
but, Lionel, you have to tell Mum.
469
00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:55,110
- Well, actually...
- Yes, he has.
470
00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:57,720
There's nothing
you can't work out between you.
471
00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:00,991
And where better
than a quiet hotel in the country?
472
00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:04,077
Away from us,
away from any distractions.
473
00:27:04,120 --> 00:27:07,476
- It's a very sweet idea...
- Thank you. We'll take it.
474
00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:10,080
- Lionel.
- We'll take it.
475
00:27:10,120 --> 00:27:12,076
Oh, I say!
476
00:27:12,120 --> 00:27:15,430
It's my deeply personal problem
and we'll take it.
477
00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:17,277
Great.
478
00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:27,239
♪ You must remember this
479
00:27:27,280 --> 00:27:29,840
♪ A kiss is still a kiss
480
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♪ A sigh is just a sigh
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♪ The fundamental things apply
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00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:42,794
♪ As time goes by
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00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:48,793
♪ And when two lovers woo
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00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:51,593
♪ They still say I love you
485
00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:54,552
♪ On that you can rely
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00:27:57,160 --> 00:28:01,517
♪ The world will always welcome lovers
487
00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:10,593
♪ As time goes by ♪
488
00:28:10,643 --> 00:28:15,193
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