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1
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2
00:00:02,574 --> 00:00:04,007
Taylor!
3
00:00:04,076 --> 00:00:06,576
Get... out... of... bed.
4
00:00:06,645 --> 00:00:07,911
Mom, go away.
5
00:00:07,980 --> 00:00:09,813
No, it's 11:30.
6
00:00:09,881 --> 00:00:11,114
Oh, my G...
7
00:00:11,183 --> 00:00:13,917
This place is a dump.
8
00:00:13,986 --> 00:00:16,119
- Hey, I wasn't done with that quesadilla.
- No?
9
00:00:17,889 --> 00:00:18,922
Enough moping around
10
00:00:18,991 --> 00:00:20,123
because you hurt your stupid ankle
11
00:00:20,192 --> 00:00:21,291
and can't play volleyball.
12
00:00:21,360 --> 00:00:22,492
It's time to get on with your life.
13
00:00:22,561 --> 00:00:24,260
I have no life to get on with.
14
00:00:24,329 --> 00:00:25,862
"Oh, poor me.
15
00:00:25,931 --> 00:00:28,498
I'm Taylor. I'm just so young and thin."
16
00:00:28,567 --> 00:00:30,200
- Get your bony ass out of bed.
- But...
17
00:00:30,268 --> 00:00:31,601
Or I'm gonna throw
the frozen wash cloth at you.
18
00:00:31,670 --> 00:00:33,336
Not Se?or Freezy!
19
00:00:34,639 --> 00:00:36,432
Ugh. Stupid bag.
20
00:00:36,457 --> 00:00:38,608
Hmm. Looks like I'm not the only
one making a mess around here.
21
00:00:38,677 --> 00:00:40,477
Don't make me cut you.
22
00:00:40,545 --> 00:00:44,314
23
00:00:44,383 --> 00:00:47,250
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
24
00:00:54,526 --> 00:00:56,826
Mama, I need to start selling paintings
25
00:00:56,895 --> 00:00:59,095
for my Paintings for Pandas
school fundraiser.
26
00:01:00,132 --> 00:01:02,766
Anna-Kat, you should have gotten
started on this weeks ago.
27
00:01:02,834 --> 00:01:03,967
It's due in two days.
28
00:01:04,036 --> 00:01:06,002
I've had a lot going on.
29
00:01:06,071 --> 00:01:07,737
There's been some crazy plot twists
30
00:01:07,806 --> 00:01:09,105
on "Sofia the First."
31
00:01:09,174 --> 00:01:10,273
Okay, listen up.
32
00:01:10,342 --> 00:01:11,641
We're gonna call all your relatives
33
00:01:11,710 --> 00:01:13,843
and ask them to buy a panda painting.
34
00:01:13,912 --> 00:01:15,078
We'll start with Aunt Jean.
35
00:01:15,147 --> 00:01:17,714
We're not getting anything out of her.
36
00:01:17,783 --> 00:01:20,250
She gave me raisins for my birthday
37
00:01:20,318 --> 00:01:21,317
in a baggy.
38
00:01:21,386 --> 00:01:22,719
Anna-Kat, I'm your mother,
39
00:01:22,788 --> 00:01:24,421
and I know how to get things done.
40
00:01:24,489 --> 00:01:25,822
Call Aunt Jean.
41
00:01:27,292 --> 00:01:29,859
First, I'm gonna look up
some fact about pandas.
42
00:01:29,928 --> 00:01:32,095
I mean, we all know
they look like cuddly bandits,
43
00:01:32,164 --> 00:01:35,146
but what do we really know?
44
00:01:35,567 --> 00:01:37,967
Katie: That's the second daughter
who isn't listening to me.
45
00:01:38,036 --> 00:01:40,603
Don't they realize that without
my strong hand guiding them,
46
00:01:40,672 --> 00:01:42,205
they'd end up pregnant at 16
47
00:01:42,274 --> 00:01:44,874
and running the front desk
at Just Tires?
48
00:01:44,943 --> 00:01:47,081
- Oh, son of a...
- Language.
49
00:01:47,183 --> 00:01:48,878
...bitch.
50
00:01:48,947 --> 00:01:50,346
- Sorry.
- [Refrigerator opens]
51
00:01:50,415 --> 00:01:52,315
All obscenity requests must be submitted
52
00:01:52,384 --> 00:01:53,917
at least half an hour in advance.
53
00:01:53,985 --> 00:01:55,351
- What's the matter?
- [Sighs]
54
00:01:55,420 --> 00:01:56,519
I bought trash bags
55
00:01:56,588 --> 00:01:57,987
from a different store
than I normally do,
56
00:01:58,056 --> 00:01:59,222
and they don't work.
57
00:01:59,291 --> 00:02:00,457
Why didn't you get
the ones we always get?
58
00:02:00,525 --> 00:02:01,958
Because I went to Trader Joe's
for your almonds
59
00:02:02,027 --> 00:02:03,293
and then Stew Leonard's
for your produce,
60
00:02:03,361 --> 00:02:05,428
and then I was at Jeffers
for Anna-Kat's special yogurts
61
00:02:05,497 --> 00:02:07,297
when I remembered we needed trash bags,
62
00:02:07,365 --> 00:02:09,065
but I didn't have time
to make a Costco run,
63
00:02:09,134 --> 00:02:12,235
so I bought Jeffers' trash bags,
which are clearly defective.
64
00:02:12,304 --> 00:02:14,003
That's why.
65
00:02:15,140 --> 00:02:17,807
I'm always surprised at where just
a simple question can take us.
66
00:02:17,876 --> 00:02:19,609
These are going back.
67
00:02:19,678 --> 00:02:20,877
It's not worth your time to return them.
68
00:02:20,946 --> 00:02:22,412
That's what they're counting on.
69
00:02:22,481 --> 00:02:24,547
They don't think that people
will drive all the way back
70
00:02:24,616 --> 00:02:26,583
to return a $4 box of trash bags.
71
00:02:26,651 --> 00:02:30,186
But little do they know,
my time is worth nothing.
72
00:02:31,423 --> 00:02:33,089
Okay.
73
00:02:33,158 --> 00:02:35,091
74
00:02:36,895 --> 00:02:38,795
[Indistinct P.A. announcement]
75
00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:43,733
Welcome to Jeffers!
76
00:02:43,802 --> 00:02:46,769
You call these bags
a "Smart Buy," but they're not.
77
00:02:46,838 --> 00:02:48,805
They're defective,
and I'd like my money back.
78
00:02:48,874 --> 00:02:50,840
Oh, I'm sorry.
79
00:02:50,909 --> 00:02:52,108
This box has been opened.
80
00:02:52,177 --> 00:02:54,711
- We can't issue a refund.
- Okay.
81
00:02:54,779 --> 00:02:57,280
You see, I wouldn't have known
the bags were defective
82
00:02:57,349 --> 00:02:58,982
had I not opened the box
83
00:02:59,050 --> 00:03:01,751
and used several of the defective bags.
84
00:03:01,820 --> 00:03:02,919
Oh, I'm sorry.
85
00:03:02,988 --> 00:03:04,821
There's nothing I can do.
86
00:03:04,890 --> 00:03:08,358
I can, however, alert you
to a Smart Buy on aisle 14.
87
00:03:08,426 --> 00:03:11,227
Tide Detergent,
Clean and fresh for only $3.99.
88
00:03:11,296 --> 00:03:12,495
Smart Buy!
89
00:03:12,564 --> 00:03:14,597
I will not be seduced
by another Smart Buy.
90
00:03:14,666 --> 00:03:15,798
Give me my money back.
91
00:03:15,867 --> 00:03:17,367
Okay.
92
00:03:17,435 --> 00:03:19,102
Since you're a loyal customer,
93
00:03:19,171 --> 00:03:21,473
- I'll exchange this box for another one.
- Fine.
94
00:03:21,582 --> 00:03:23,036
Do you have a receipt?
95
00:03:23,475 --> 00:03:25,275
- You want a receipt?
- Yeah.
96
00:03:26,311 --> 00:03:28,244
Well, clear your afternoon, buddy,
97
00:03:28,313 --> 00:03:29,445
'cause you and me,
98
00:03:29,514 --> 00:03:31,681
we're gonna find this receipt together.
99
00:03:33,885 --> 00:03:37,554
100
00:03:39,891 --> 00:03:41,191
- [Door closes]
- Oh. How'd it go?
101
00:03:41,259 --> 00:03:42,959
The manager exchanged the bags,
102
00:03:43,028 --> 00:03:44,861
and I finally cleaned out my purse.
103
00:03:44,930 --> 00:03:46,429
I found a key to who knows what,
104
00:03:46,498 --> 00:03:49,933
six Velamints, and Oliver's retainer.
105
00:03:50,001 --> 00:03:51,334
We grounded him for losing that.
106
00:03:51,403 --> 00:03:53,119
I accused him of lying and made him pay
107
00:03:53,197 --> 00:03:54,537
for a replacement out of his save jar.
108
00:03:55,774 --> 00:03:57,307
This dies with us.
109
00:03:58,410 --> 00:03:59,509
[Garbage can closes]
110
00:03:59,578 --> 00:04:01,978
[Indistinct chatter in Korean on TV]
111
00:04:02,047 --> 00:04:03,880
Have you been on the couch all day?
112
00:04:03,949 --> 00:04:05,215
[TV shuts off]
113
00:04:05,283 --> 00:04:06,716
I was watching that!
114
00:04:06,785 --> 00:04:08,751
Yeah, she's gone all in on those
Korean soap operas.
115
00:04:08,820 --> 00:04:10,019
I need to find out if Yay-Sun
116
00:04:10,088 --> 00:04:11,788
is going to marry that shipping magnate.
117
00:04:11,856 --> 00:04:14,490
It is time for you to find
your new calling.
118
00:04:14,559 --> 00:04:17,493
Now, since there's been
no motivation on your end,
119
00:04:17,562 --> 00:04:18,928
I've jotted down some suggestions
120
00:04:18,997 --> 00:04:20,663
of what could replace
volleyball for you.
121
00:04:20,732 --> 00:04:22,899
- Join the school paper.
- No.
122
00:04:22,968 --> 00:04:24,267
- Art class.
- Not me.
123
00:04:24,336 --> 00:04:25,568
- Photography.
- Lame.
124
00:04:25,637 --> 00:04:26,768
- You're lame.
- She actually is lame,
125
00:04:26,838 --> 00:04:28,071
on account of her ankle.
126
00:04:28,139 --> 00:04:29,639
I-I don't understand
why you're forcing me
127
00:04:29,708 --> 00:04:30,873
to do something I don't want to do.
128
00:04:30,942 --> 00:04:32,542
Because I know what's best.
129
00:04:32,611 --> 00:04:35,211
So you have one minute to decide
on another activity,
130
00:04:35,280 --> 00:04:36,913
or I will decide it for you.
131
00:04:36,982 --> 00:04:39,449
Katie, she may just need
a little more time to think about it.
132
00:04:39,517 --> 00:04:40,917
Greg, side bar.
133
00:04:40,986 --> 00:04:42,819
Why the hell are you agreeing
with her and not me?
134
00:04:42,887 --> 00:04:44,187
Traditionally in a sidebar,
135
00:04:44,256 --> 00:04:46,322
we would have a discreet
conversation to the side.
136
00:04:46,391 --> 00:04:48,558
Mom, I want Dad
to help me out with this one.
137
00:04:48,627 --> 00:04:50,760
You do?
138
00:04:50,829 --> 00:04:52,161
Yeah. You're also my parent.
139
00:04:52,230 --> 00:04:54,876
As a matter of fact, I am.
Sure, I'll take this one.
140
00:04:55,367 --> 00:04:57,433
Teenage daughter
is a high level of difficulty.
141
00:04:57,502 --> 00:04:59,202
- Yes. I live with her, too.
- Okay.
142
00:04:59,271 --> 00:05:00,391
But don't come running back to me
143
00:05:00,477 --> 00:05:02,672
when she shoots down
every one of your ideas.
144
00:05:02,741 --> 00:05:03,906
Irish step dancing?
145
00:05:03,975 --> 00:05:06,009
The doctor said I can't do
any strenuous activity.
146
00:05:06,077 --> 00:05:07,810
See? She's impossible!
147
00:05:07,879 --> 00:05:09,501
Okay.
148
00:05:09,572 --> 00:05:12,033
Let's call Aunt Jean and start
selling your paintings.
149
00:05:12,126 --> 00:05:15,685
No. Oliver said that calling people's not
the way to save the most pandas.
150
00:05:15,754 --> 00:05:18,521
Since when are you interested
in anything Anna-Kat does?
151
00:05:18,590 --> 00:05:19,922
Not now, not ever,
152
00:05:19,991 --> 00:05:21,557
but whoever sells
the most panda paintings
153
00:05:21,626 --> 00:05:23,459
gets a GameStop gift card.
154
00:05:23,528 --> 00:05:26,696
You only have two more days,
so you're working with me.
155
00:05:26,765 --> 00:05:27,964
[Sighs] Sorry, Oliver.
156
00:05:28,033 --> 00:05:29,699
I have to do what the Colonel says.
157
00:05:29,768 --> 00:05:31,167
The Colonel?
158
00:05:31,236 --> 00:05:32,368
[Sighs]
159
00:05:32,437 --> 00:05:34,337
Did she just call me "The Colonel"?
160
00:05:34,406 --> 00:05:35,905
What is that about?
161
00:05:38,443 --> 00:05:40,376
Somebody speak!
162
00:05:40,445 --> 00:05:43,112
You, who still needs bedtime stories.
163
00:05:43,181 --> 00:05:45,181
Okay. Don't be mad.
164
00:05:45,250 --> 00:05:46,516
Your full nickname is
165
00:05:46,584 --> 00:05:49,452
Colonel Beatrice von Beige
Underpants Control Freak.
166
00:05:52,791 --> 00:05:53,990
I don't know where to start first.
167
00:05:54,059 --> 00:05:56,059
Beige works under everything.
168
00:05:56,127 --> 00:05:57,927
And I am not controlling.
169
00:05:57,996 --> 00:05:59,829
You people just need
to be told what to do.
170
00:05:59,898 --> 00:06:01,230
Spoken like a true
171
00:06:01,299 --> 00:06:03,466
Colonel Beatrice von Beige
Underpants Control Freak.
172
00:06:03,535 --> 00:06:06,035
[Laughs] Not cool, buddy.
173
00:06:06,104 --> 00:06:09,272
If you all are so capable
without me, fine.
174
00:06:09,341 --> 00:06:11,040
Greg, you help Taylor.
175
00:06:11,109 --> 00:06:13,843
Oliver, you handle Anna-Kat. I'm out.
176
00:06:13,912 --> 00:06:15,378
But you'll all come running back,
177
00:06:15,447 --> 00:06:20,383
and when you do, I'll give you
my best condescending mom smile.
178
00:06:20,452 --> 00:06:22,151
[All groan]
179
00:06:22,220 --> 00:06:23,619
Oh, we hate that smile.
180
00:06:23,688 --> 00:06:25,321
That's why I do it.
181
00:06:29,561 --> 00:06:32,228
Ugh! These are defective, too!
182
00:06:32,297 --> 00:06:35,298
I'd strangle that manager
with one of these
183
00:06:35,367 --> 00:06:36,699
if didn't think it would break!
184
00:06:36,768 --> 00:06:38,735
You guys have a nickname for me?
185
00:06:38,803 --> 00:06:41,771
- Super Dad!
- Oh, that's nice.
186
00:06:42,640 --> 00:06:44,173
Way to think on your feet.
187
00:06:47,888 --> 00:06:49,654
How about the school gardening club?
188
00:06:49,723 --> 00:06:52,049
Yeah, because I'm super into dirt.
189
00:06:52,150 --> 00:06:53,983
- What are you guys doing?
- Oh, just brainstorming.
190
00:06:54,060 --> 00:06:55,993
- Figuring out my future.
- Yeah, we're making progress.
191
00:06:56,062 --> 00:06:57,662
Yeah. Dad hasn't yelled at me once.
192
00:06:57,730 --> 00:06:59,464
Great. Good luck.
193
00:06:59,532 --> 00:07:01,032
I'm staying out of your lives
194
00:07:01,101 --> 00:07:03,034
because you all have it under control.
195
00:07:03,103 --> 00:07:04,974
- Your screen's too bright.
- It was fine the way it was.
196
00:07:04,999 --> 00:07:05,919
Okay. Go blind.
197
00:07:05,944 --> 00:07:07,071
Just know I've never seen
198
00:07:07,140 --> 00:07:09,140
a pair of sunglasses look good on you.
199
00:07:12,479 --> 00:07:13,511
Leave it.
200
00:07:13,580 --> 00:07:14,579
[Door opens]
201
00:07:14,647 --> 00:07:15,780
Oh, Taylor,
202
00:07:15,849 --> 00:07:17,215
the synchronized swim coach
got back to me.
203
00:07:17,283 --> 00:07:18,382
Technically, tryouts are over,
204
00:07:18,451 --> 00:07:19,784
but there's one
available spot on the team
205
00:07:19,853 --> 00:07:21,285
if you want to meet with the coach.
206
00:07:21,354 --> 00:07:23,621
I can't imagine there's anything
but available spots.
207
00:07:23,690 --> 00:07:26,290
I think you'd be great at it,
and your physical therapist said
208
00:07:26,359 --> 00:07:28,025
that water resistance is good
for building up strength,
209
00:07:28,094 --> 00:07:29,794
and this sport is very low impact.
210
00:07:29,863 --> 00:07:32,230
Great, so I'll have
a strong ankle and zero friends.
211
00:07:32,298 --> 00:07:33,264
Look.
212
00:07:33,333 --> 00:07:35,130
We're on the spot here with Mom.
213
00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:36,533
If we screw this up,
214
00:07:36,646 --> 00:07:38,069
we'll never have a say
in our own lives again,
215
00:07:38,138 --> 00:07:41,205
and we'll get the condescending smile.
216
00:07:41,274 --> 00:07:44,509
Ugh. Fine.
I'll try synchronized swimming.
217
00:07:44,577 --> 00:07:46,777
That smile makes me want
to jump off a bridge.
218
00:07:46,846 --> 00:07:48,746
As long you're holding my hand
when you do it.
219
00:07:48,815 --> 00:07:51,649
220
00:07:56,389 --> 00:07:58,756
So, you think
this is how you score yourself
221
00:07:58,825 --> 00:07:59,924
some new video games?
222
00:07:59,993 --> 00:08:01,459
I do.
223
00:08:01,528 --> 00:08:03,728
It's very easy to say no
over the phone, Mom.
224
00:08:03,796 --> 00:08:05,329
But...
225
00:08:05,398 --> 00:08:07,565
how do you say no to this?
226
00:08:07,634 --> 00:08:08,833
It's true.
227
00:08:09,002 --> 00:08:10,935
She's so much cuter
than the rest of you.
228
00:08:12,572 --> 00:08:13,938
Excuse me, sir.
229
00:08:14,007 --> 00:08:16,440
Would you like to buy a painting
to help save the pandas?
230
00:08:16,509 --> 00:08:17,975
Actually, I'm late to meet a friend.
231
00:08:18,044 --> 00:08:19,443
Did you hear that?
232
00:08:19,512 --> 00:08:21,345
Hear what?
233
00:08:21,414 --> 00:08:24,048
It's the sound of pandas dying.
234
00:08:24,917 --> 00:08:26,884
[Weakly] "Save me."
235
00:08:26,953 --> 00:08:28,452
I'll take six.
236
00:08:31,124 --> 00:08:34,125
Colonel Beatrice von Beige
Underpants Control Freak.
237
00:08:34,193 --> 00:08:37,328
Please tell me you are not
still wearing beige underpants.
238
00:08:37,397 --> 00:08:39,263
If sadness were a piece of clothing,
239
00:08:39,332 --> 00:08:40,631
it'd be beige underpants.
240
00:08:40,700 --> 00:08:42,800
Man, I hope my kids have
a nickname for me
241
00:08:42,869 --> 00:08:45,403
like the "The Hammer"
or "Dream Murderer."
242
00:08:45,471 --> 00:08:46,804
[All chuckle]
243
00:08:46,873 --> 00:08:48,372
It's not fair.
244
00:08:48,441 --> 00:08:51,409
What they call controlling,
I call being a good mother.
245
00:08:51,477 --> 00:08:52,910
Why don't you just look at this
246
00:08:52,979 --> 00:08:54,879
as an opportunity
to enjoy the free time?
247
00:08:54,947 --> 00:08:56,113
I know. It's crazy.
248
00:08:56,182 --> 00:08:58,316
But without solving problems
for my family,
249
00:08:58,384 --> 00:09:00,618
I'm just some chick running
errands in ugly underwear.
250
00:09:00,687 --> 00:09:04,822
So take all that free time
and go buy some new undies,
251
00:09:04,891 --> 00:09:06,457
maybe something in the red family,
252
00:09:06,526 --> 00:09:08,392
something non-hospice-y.
253
00:09:08,461 --> 00:09:09,827
[Laughs]
254
00:09:09,896 --> 00:09:12,029
Katie, believe me, your family
is gonna fall apart without you.
255
00:09:12,098 --> 00:09:14,065
Yeah, they are, and when they do,
256
00:09:14,133 --> 00:09:17,037
I'm gonna give them
a condescending mom smile.
257
00:09:17,603 --> 00:09:19,637
Oh, I do one of those,
but I do it while I tear
258
00:09:19,706 --> 00:09:20,938
the heads off their favorite stuffies.
259
00:09:23,009 --> 00:09:25,076
Doris, sometimes I prefer
260
00:09:25,144 --> 00:09:27,378
- you don't take my side on things.
- Yeah.
261
00:09:27,454 --> 00:09:29,991
Angela, can you help me file
a class action lawsuit against Jeffers
262
00:09:30,069 --> 00:09:32,163
for selling faulty garbage bags
to busy mothers?
263
00:09:32,187 --> 00:09:33,154
No.
264
00:09:33,155 --> 00:09:35,286
But as your legal counsel,
I strongly suggest
265
00:09:35,355 --> 00:09:37,188
you stop talking to us about it.
266
00:09:37,256 --> 00:09:39,357
267
00:09:39,425 --> 00:09:41,792
I didn't realize synchronized
swimming was so cool.
268
00:09:41,861 --> 00:09:43,394
I like pools, and I'm a follower.
269
00:09:43,463 --> 00:09:44,995
It's, like, the perfect sport for me.
[Chuckles]
270
00:09:45,064 --> 00:09:46,797
When's your first day
as a Westport Water Lily?
271
00:09:46,866 --> 00:09:48,165
Practice tomorrow.
272
00:09:48,234 --> 00:09:51,268
I don't mean to gloat,
but tomorrow, the first of March,
273
00:09:51,337 --> 00:09:53,437
shall be a day that lives
in parenting infamy.
274
00:09:53,506 --> 00:09:56,474
I solved a problem your mother couldn't.
275
00:09:56,542 --> 00:09:58,109
I'm gonna give her
my condescending smile.
276
00:10:00,980 --> 00:10:02,380
Ohh. I got to work on that.
277
00:10:02,448 --> 00:10:03,647
It reads more handsome.
278
00:10:03,716 --> 00:10:05,449
Wait, did you say tomorrow's the first?
279
00:10:05,518 --> 00:10:07,351
- Yeah.
- Oh, no.
280
00:10:07,420 --> 00:10:08,953
- What?
- Great.
281
00:10:09,021 --> 00:10:11,122
First day in the pool,
and I'm gonna get my...
282
00:10:11,190 --> 00:10:12,256
Ugh!
283
00:10:12,325 --> 00:10:14,125
Can we stop by CVS on the way home?
284
00:10:14,193 --> 00:10:16,794
- What, do you need nose plugs?
- No, Dad.
285
00:10:16,863 --> 00:10:19,697
I need... girl stuff.
286
00:10:21,934 --> 00:10:23,300
Okay. Got it.
287
00:10:23,369 --> 00:10:26,470
- Maybe I should just text Mom.
- No, I'm cool.
288
00:10:26,539 --> 00:10:28,339
The human body is an amazing machine,
289
00:10:28,408 --> 00:10:30,808
and menstruation is part
of that miracle.
290
00:10:32,011 --> 00:10:34,278
- I'm gonna text Mom.
- Taylor, it's no big deal.
291
00:10:34,347 --> 00:10:37,381
I'll just give you my wallet,
and you go in and get what you need.
292
00:10:37,450 --> 00:10:39,984
No contacting Mom, period.
293
00:10:46,659 --> 00:10:48,559
[Sighs]
294
00:11:00,706 --> 00:11:02,422
- I'm gonna turn on the radio, I think.
- Yeah.
295
00:11:02,485 --> 00:11:03,674
["Hold Your Breath" plays on radio]
296
00:11:05,344 --> 00:11:06,911
[Door opens]
297
00:11:06,979 --> 00:11:08,412
Hey, tell your mom the good news.
298
00:11:08,481 --> 00:11:09,914
I made the synchronized swimming team.
299
00:11:09,982 --> 00:11:11,582
- [Door closes]
- Oh.
300
00:11:11,651 --> 00:11:13,017
I didn't know you were
interested in that.
301
00:11:13,085 --> 00:11:15,986
Me neither,
but it was all Dad... his idea.
302
00:11:16,055 --> 00:11:17,455
Great.
303
00:11:17,523 --> 00:11:20,059
It's sport, and she can do it
with her bad ankle.
304
00:11:21,427 --> 00:11:23,027
I got it.
305
00:11:23,095 --> 00:11:24,128
What's in the bag?
306
00:11:24,197 --> 00:11:25,196
Oh, nothing.
307
00:11:25,264 --> 00:11:26,897
Just some stuff I needed to pick up.
308
00:11:26,966 --> 00:11:28,399
Dad took care of that, too.
309
00:11:28,468 --> 00:11:30,634
- [Chuckles]
- [Chuckles]
310
00:11:32,271 --> 00:11:34,905
- You're really killing it, aren't ya?
- Well, I don't know. I...
311
00:11:34,974 --> 00:11:36,307
Yeah. I kind of am.
312
00:11:36,375 --> 00:11:37,875
[Door opens]
313
00:11:37,944 --> 00:11:39,577
Hey, guys. How'd it go?
314
00:11:39,645 --> 00:11:41,078
We sold
315
00:11:41,147 --> 00:11:43,681
- almost 200 panda paintings.
- What?
316
00:11:43,749 --> 00:11:45,416
Pandas saved.
317
00:11:45,485 --> 00:11:46,784
Bam!
318
00:11:46,853 --> 00:11:51,489
Well, looks like everybody
is doing just great.
319
00:11:51,557 --> 00:11:54,158
I should probably go
to someplace where I'm needed.
320
00:11:54,227 --> 00:11:57,127
- I'm going to Jeffers.
- We're going with you.
321
00:11:57,196 --> 00:11:59,463
Anna-Kat, let's up our game.
322
00:11:59,532 --> 00:12:01,765
- I want pigtails.
- Got it.
323
00:12:01,834 --> 00:12:04,735
324
00:12:07,807 --> 00:12:08,939
[Indistinct P.A. announcement]
325
00:12:09,008 --> 00:12:10,811
How's your day going so far?
326
00:12:10,907 --> 00:12:12,407
Who? Me?
327
00:12:12,467 --> 00:12:14,078
- Mm-hmm.
- Good, thanks.
328
00:12:14,146 --> 00:12:15,725
Well, it's about to take
a turn for the worse
329
00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:17,448
if you buy these defective trash bags.
330
00:12:17,517 --> 00:12:18,983
I'll be okay.
331
00:12:19,051 --> 00:12:20,417
No.
332
00:12:20,486 --> 00:12:21,619
No, you're not gonna be okay.
333
00:12:21,687 --> 00:12:23,521
Trust me... these bags will betray you.
334
00:12:23,589 --> 00:12:25,456
- Look, it's been a long day.
- Mm-hmm.
335
00:12:25,525 --> 00:12:28,325
I'm going to buy these bags
and be on my way.
336
00:12:28,394 --> 00:12:31,262
You have to listen to me.
I know what's best for you.
337
00:12:31,330 --> 00:12:32,596
Just let me do what I want!
338
00:12:32,665 --> 00:12:35,499
I can't stand by and
watch you make poor choices.
339
00:12:35,568 --> 00:12:37,902
These bags are no good.
340
00:12:37,970 --> 00:12:40,804
Learn from my experiences.
I have so much to offer.
341
00:12:42,441 --> 00:12:43,374
[Grunts]
342
00:12:43,442 --> 00:12:44,475
- Got it!
- [Box thuds]
343
00:12:44,544 --> 00:12:46,043
You are making a terrible mistake.
344
00:12:46,112 --> 00:12:47,611
Manager: Okay, lady, that's enough.
345
00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:49,146
You're out of here forever!
346
00:12:51,217 --> 00:12:54,451
347
00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:56,387
Ooh, beige!
348
00:12:56,455 --> 00:12:57,855
Manager: Hey, you!
349
00:12:57,924 --> 00:12:59,123
Scatter!
350
00:12:59,191 --> 00:13:01,425
We'll reconvene at the Wendy's
across the street.
351
00:13:02,428 --> 00:13:06,363
We signed up 25 new people
for panda paintings.
352
00:13:06,432 --> 00:13:09,800
Brings the total up to 221.
353
00:13:09,869 --> 00:13:11,869
[Chuckles] That's a lot of painting.
354
00:13:11,938 --> 00:13:13,103
What do I care?
355
00:13:13,172 --> 00:13:14,872
We'll just pick them up
from the painting people.
356
00:13:14,941 --> 00:13:16,140
[Chuckles]
357
00:13:16,208 --> 00:13:17,808
You are the painting people.
358
00:13:17,877 --> 00:13:19,009
What?
359
00:13:19,078 --> 00:13:21,345
Who did you think was going to paint?
360
00:13:21,414 --> 00:13:22,346
The pandas?
361
00:13:24,317 --> 00:13:25,950
Maybe.
362
00:13:26,018 --> 00:13:27,518
[Laughs]
363
00:13:27,587 --> 00:13:30,020
Boy, you are stupid.
364
00:13:30,089 --> 00:13:31,522
Taylor: Dad, call Mom!
365
00:13:31,591 --> 00:13:33,757
Is everything okay?
What do you need Mom for?
366
00:13:33,826 --> 00:13:35,893
It's the tampons.
I don't know how to use them.
367
00:13:35,962 --> 00:13:37,061
I don't understand.
368
00:13:37,129 --> 00:13:38,629
I've only ever used the other things.
369
00:13:38,698 --> 00:13:40,497
Oh, you mean the things
that Anna-Kat uses
370
00:13:40,566 --> 00:13:42,299
as lounge chair cushions
for her Barbies?
371
00:13:42,368 --> 00:13:44,702
Yes, and you can't use those
in the pool.
372
00:13:44,770 --> 00:13:46,837
Well, didn't the new things
come with instructions?
373
00:13:46,906 --> 00:13:48,439
Yes, but I read them,
374
00:13:48,507 --> 00:13:49,707
and they're just weird and confusing,
375
00:13:49,775 --> 00:13:51,241
and then I watched some YouTube videos,
376
00:13:51,310 --> 00:13:52,509
and they were even more confusing,
377
00:13:52,578 --> 00:13:54,747
- and I think I'm missing a piece!
- Of your body?
378
00:13:54,864 --> 00:13:56,847
Dad, gross! No! The tampon.
379
00:13:56,916 --> 00:13:58,082
Oh.
380
00:13:58,150 --> 00:14:00,317
You know, honey, it's okay. I got this.
381
00:14:00,386 --> 00:14:02,019
You don't "got this."
382
00:14:02,088 --> 00:14:04,989
You get upset when Mom
leaves them on the counter.
383
00:14:05,057 --> 00:14:08,425
Okay, okay. I'm calling your Mom.
384
00:14:08,494 --> 00:14:10,361
I just see that smile already.
385
00:14:10,429 --> 00:14:12,663
Should have pushed harder
for garden club.
386
00:14:17,269 --> 00:14:19,102
It's ringing, Taylor. Hang on tight.
387
00:14:19,171 --> 00:14:20,370
[Cellphone rings]
388
00:14:20,439 --> 00:14:21,972
Hey, Greg. You're on speaker.
389
00:14:22,041 --> 00:14:24,107
Uh, yeah, I need to talk to you,
390
00:14:24,176 --> 00:14:25,742
and it's really not
speakerphone material.
391
00:14:27,513 --> 00:14:28,745
Anna-Kat's on Mars.
392
00:14:28,814 --> 00:14:30,414
You... cover your ears.
393
00:14:30,482 --> 00:14:31,949
I don't need to cover my ears.
394
00:14:32,017 --> 00:14:33,884
- I tune you out naturally.
- Ugh.
395
00:14:33,953 --> 00:14:34,885
I-It's about Taylor.
396
00:14:34,954 --> 00:14:36,887
Oh!
397
00:14:36,956 --> 00:14:39,056
I thought you had
everything under control.
398
00:14:39,124 --> 00:14:40,924
Yeah, okay.
399
00:14:40,993 --> 00:14:43,994
So, um, she's getting
her... monthly bill,
400
00:14:44,063 --> 00:14:46,430
and she's decided to pay it differently
401
00:14:46,498 --> 00:14:47,698
so she can get in the pool.
402
00:14:47,766 --> 00:14:49,900
What are you talking ab...
403
00:14:49,969 --> 00:14:51,601
Oh!
404
00:14:51,670 --> 00:14:53,103
Taylor's using a tampon
for the first time.
405
00:14:53,172 --> 00:14:54,271
Apparently, yes.
406
00:14:54,340 --> 00:14:56,773
Headphones! Where are the headphones?!
407
00:14:56,842 --> 00:14:58,575
And the instructions that came
with them are a little confusing.
408
00:14:58,644 --> 00:15:00,377
Instructions? You mean the pamphlet.
409
00:15:00,446 --> 00:15:02,479
Ignore the pamphlet.
410
00:15:02,548 --> 00:15:04,514
They always tell you to put
a leg up on the toilet.
411
00:15:04,583 --> 00:15:06,249
What kind of idiot advice is that?
412
00:15:06,318 --> 00:15:09,319
Aah, my phone's dead. My phone's dead!
413
00:15:09,388 --> 00:15:11,888
Mom says not to feel bad.
The instructions can be misleading.
414
00:15:11,957 --> 00:15:13,490
- Taylor: What does she say to do?
- W... [Sighs]
415
00:15:13,559 --> 00:15:15,092
Do you want
to just talk to her yourself?
416
00:15:17,830 --> 00:15:19,329
- It won't fit.
- I know!
417
00:15:19,398 --> 00:15:20,797
Okay.
418
00:15:20,866 --> 00:15:24,167
All right, go.
419
00:15:24,236 --> 00:15:28,338
Mom said there's a thin part
and a thick part.
420
00:15:28,407 --> 00:15:30,540
Without putting it... where it belongs,
421
00:15:30,609 --> 00:15:32,409
put the thin part into the thick part
422
00:15:32,478 --> 00:15:33,910
so you can see how it works.
423
00:15:33,979 --> 00:15:36,813
Now, the cottony part
is what you insert.
424
00:15:36,882 --> 00:15:37,914
But not the string.
425
00:15:37,983 --> 00:15:40,517
Do not lose track of the string.
426
00:15:40,586 --> 00:15:42,886
[Cellphone clatters]
427
00:15:42,955 --> 00:15:45,322
Childhood over.
428
00:15:45,391 --> 00:15:47,157
Taylor: What's Mom saying?
429
00:15:47,226 --> 00:15:50,394
She's saying way, way too much.
430
00:15:50,462 --> 00:15:52,796
[Tires screech]
431
00:15:52,865 --> 00:15:55,198
The Colonel is here. Stand down.
432
00:15:55,267 --> 00:15:56,700
Thank you, sir.
433
00:15:59,738 --> 00:16:02,039
I always hung out with older girls,
434
00:16:02,107 --> 00:16:03,407
so I learned how to use them
435
00:16:03,475 --> 00:16:05,709
at a sleepover
at Karen Gilcrest's house.
436
00:16:05,778 --> 00:16:07,944
She and Patty Squillante
437
00:16:08,013 --> 00:16:11,681
screaming instructions at me
under the bathroom door.
438
00:16:11,750 --> 00:16:12,916
It was awful.
439
00:16:12,985 --> 00:16:13,984
Did you figure it out?
440
00:16:14,053 --> 00:16:15,352
Not that day.
441
00:16:15,421 --> 00:16:17,521
I crawled out the window and ran home.
442
00:16:17,589 --> 00:16:20,188
Thank God I had on
my Always MAXI pad with Wings
443
00:16:20,274 --> 00:16:22,743
- for an active lifestyle.
- [Both laugh]
444
00:16:24,296 --> 00:16:26,063
I'm sorry for being
such a jerk to you earlier.
445
00:16:26,131 --> 00:16:30,100
It's all right. I'm sorry, too.
446
00:16:30,169 --> 00:16:31,368
Actually, I'm not sorry at all.
447
00:16:31,437 --> 00:16:32,569
You had to get off the couch.
448
00:16:32,638 --> 00:16:34,704
- You're right.
- Now, come on.
449
00:16:34,773 --> 00:16:37,374
I will show you
how Lisa Pickett taught me
450
00:16:37,443 --> 00:16:39,815
to make a bong
out of a cardboard applicator.
451
00:16:39,948 --> 00:16:42,646
- No, thanks.
- That was a test. Good girl.
452
00:16:42,714 --> 00:16:44,081
[Chuckles]
453
00:16:44,149 --> 00:16:47,417
Oliver: Mom, can you come
down here for a second?
454
00:16:47,486 --> 00:16:49,753
455
00:16:49,822 --> 00:16:51,421
You need me?
456
00:16:51,490 --> 00:16:52,956
It's been, like, 45 minutes
457
00:16:53,025 --> 00:16:54,157
and Anna-Kat hasn't even finished
458
00:16:54,226 --> 00:16:56,693
one stupid panda painting yet.
459
00:16:56,762 --> 00:16:58,829
I warmed up by painting a dog.
460
00:16:58,897 --> 00:17:01,832
We've got, like, 12 hours
to do over 200 of these things.
461
00:17:01,900 --> 00:17:03,567
There's no way we can deliver.
462
00:17:03,635 --> 00:17:05,268
We've taken people's money.
463
00:17:05,337 --> 00:17:06,636
We'll be put away for fraud.
464
00:17:06,705 --> 00:17:09,172
I want my first white-collar
crime to mean something.
465
00:17:09,241 --> 00:17:12,676
If you had asked my advice,
I could have told you
466
00:17:12,744 --> 00:17:14,878
that a 7-year-old
never thinks things through.
467
00:17:14,947 --> 00:17:16,346
That's why they lean back in the chair
468
00:17:16,415 --> 00:17:17,881
and get dry macaroni stuck
in their nose.
469
00:17:17,950 --> 00:17:19,883
Well, I need you now.
470
00:17:19,952 --> 00:17:23,286
Be the Colonel. Take control. Fix it.
471
00:17:23,355 --> 00:17:25,989
All you had to do was ask.
472
00:17:26,058 --> 00:17:28,458
Greg, Taylor, get in here!
473
00:17:28,527 --> 00:17:31,261
All hands on deck.
474
00:17:31,330 --> 00:17:32,529
We've got a situation.
475
00:17:32,598 --> 00:17:34,698
First thing that needs
to be done is this...
476
00:17:35,767 --> 00:17:37,534
[All groan]
477
00:17:37,603 --> 00:17:40,937
Okay. Anna-Kat, get every
art supply from upstairs
478
00:17:41,006 --> 00:17:42,906
that you've ever squirreled away
and bring it down here.
479
00:17:42,975 --> 00:17:44,407
Oliver, we need to paint,
480
00:17:44,476 --> 00:17:46,309
so cover every flat surface
in the house.
481
00:17:46,378 --> 00:17:47,544
With what?
482
00:17:47,613 --> 00:17:49,124
483
00:17:49,225 --> 00:17:51,913
I finally found something
those bags were good for.
484
00:17:51,999 --> 00:17:54,684
Sure, I don't need to control
every situation in this family,
485
00:17:54,753 --> 00:17:56,720
but things just work better when I do.
486
00:17:57,890 --> 00:17:59,389
Ah, man.
487
00:17:59,458 --> 00:18:01,258
Why do you keep using those?
488
00:18:01,326 --> 00:18:03,493
[Sighs] I don't know.
489
00:18:03,562 --> 00:18:04,995
I can't fix everything.
490
00:18:05,063 --> 00:18:06,730
You fixed everything for us today.
491
00:18:06,798 --> 00:18:08,098
It's time we return the favor.
492
00:18:08,167 --> 00:18:10,066
We're going to Jeffers.
493
00:18:10,135 --> 00:18:11,935
Really?
494
00:18:12,004 --> 00:18:13,470
Absolutely.
495
00:18:13,539 --> 00:18:14,804
What's the plan?
496
00:18:14,873 --> 00:18:16,173
I'll come with something, you'll nix it,
497
00:18:16,241 --> 00:18:17,574
and we'll do what you want to do.
498
00:18:18,577 --> 00:18:19,643
I love it.
499
00:18:19,711 --> 00:18:22,179
500
00:18:22,247 --> 00:18:24,147
[Indistinct chatter]
501
00:18:24,216 --> 00:18:25,749
Everybody knows what to do?
502
00:18:25,817 --> 00:18:27,217
Yes. I keep the stock boy busy.
503
00:18:27,286 --> 00:18:28,385
I'm on the lookout in beverages.
504
00:18:28,453 --> 00:18:29,719
And I'll take out the manager.
505
00:18:29,788 --> 00:18:31,588
Oliver, you're with me.
506
00:18:31,657 --> 00:18:32,622
Let's move!
507
00:18:36,595 --> 00:18:37,727
Oh. Can I help you?
508
00:18:37,796 --> 00:18:39,863
[Voice breaking] Have you seen my mommy?
509
00:18:39,932 --> 00:18:41,464
I don't know where I lost her.
510
00:18:41,533 --> 00:18:42,799
Oh.
511
00:18:42,868 --> 00:18:44,367
[Cries]
512
00:18:44,436 --> 00:18:46,369
513
00:18:51,343 --> 00:18:54,744
Now, what's the difference
between 1% and 2% milk?
514
00:18:54,813 --> 00:18:57,080
Uh, 1%?
515
00:18:57,149 --> 00:19:00,150
Very good. Very good.
516
00:19:12,864 --> 00:19:14,564
[Shoppers gasp]
517
00:19:16,702 --> 00:19:19,536
There really should be
some sort of warning sign.
518
00:19:19,605 --> 00:19:21,504
519
00:19:27,145 --> 00:19:28,778
Now that we've solved that mystery,
520
00:19:28,847 --> 00:19:32,616
let's unpack the mystery of... Kenny.
521
00:19:32,684 --> 00:19:35,652
How did you end up in this crazy place?
522
00:19:37,122 --> 00:19:38,211
[Crying]
523
00:19:38,236 --> 00:19:40,056
Um, okay, okay. Cal... Calm down.
524
00:19:40,125 --> 00:19:42,759
Um, okay, can you tell me
what your mother looks like?
525
00:19:42,828 --> 00:19:45,662
She's soft...
526
00:19:45,731 --> 00:19:50,066
and cuddly,
and she smells really nice...
527
00:19:50,135 --> 00:19:51,534
and I'm never gonna see her...
528
00:19:51,603 --> 00:19:52,636
[Person whistles]
529
00:19:52,704 --> 00:19:53,603
[Normal voice] Never mind.
530
00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:58,041
531
00:19:58,110 --> 00:19:59,576
Mission complete.
532
00:19:59,645 --> 00:20:02,545
Mommies of the world, you're welcome.
533
00:20:04,082 --> 00:20:06,549
I wanted it to say,
"These bags suck [bleep]"
534
00:20:06,618 --> 00:20:08,051
but I ran out of room.
535
00:20:11,736 --> 00:20:12,635
[Gunfire]
536
00:20:12,660 --> 00:20:14,635
Don't go in there. You're gonna
get blown up immediately.
537
00:20:14,737 --> 00:20:16,770
- [Explosion]
- Uh, told ya.
538
00:20:16,872 --> 00:20:18,238
If you want to play, play.
539
00:20:18,340 --> 00:20:19,640
I don't want to play.
540
00:20:19,742 --> 00:20:21,809
Strafe left, Anna-Kat. Strafe left!
541
00:20:21,911 --> 00:20:23,210
What's a strafe?
542
00:20:23,312 --> 00:20:24,378
Hit the front button.
543
00:20:25,748 --> 00:20:26,647
Gi...
544
00:20:26,749 --> 00:20:28,048
Give it to me.
545
00:20:31,187 --> 00:20:33,987
[Machine-gun fire]
546
00:20:34,023 --> 00:20:35,022
[Shells clinking]
547
00:20:35,124 --> 00:20:36,190
Oh, come on!
548
00:20:36,292 --> 00:20:39,526
You can't shoot me in the face
and then dance over my dead body.
549
00:20:39,628 --> 00:20:42,596
Yes, I can, because I just did.
550
00:20:42,698 --> 00:20:44,030
[Projectile whistles]
551
00:20:44,054 --> 00:20:45,854
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
552
00:20:45,904 --> 00:20:50,454
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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