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1
00:00:06,710 --> 00:00:09,030
And we're very happy to
welcome back our old friend
2
00:00:09,030 --> 00:00:12,470
Jane Pauley for another segment
in her series "Life Reimagined."
3
00:00:12,470 --> 00:00:14,830
and, Jane, it sounds like
your guest this time has had
4
00:00:15,110 --> 00:00:17,110
a lot of time to reimagine his life.
5
00:00:17,110 --> 00:00:18,630
Nothing but time, Matt.
6
00:00:18,910 --> 00:00:21,629
Currently serving a five-
to seven-year prison term,
7
00:00:21,629 --> 00:00:25,629
Senator Vernon Smits is
a man at a crossroads.
8
00:00:25,629 --> 00:00:28,429
I caught up with him recently
at the federal correctional
9
00:00:28,429 --> 00:00:30,629
institution in Cumberland, Maryland.
10
00:00:30,629 --> 00:00:34,269
The two-term Senator's life
has been turned upside down
11
00:00:34,269 --> 00:00:37,389
by his conviction, although he's lost none
12
00:00:37,389 --> 00:00:39,429
of his mischievous charm.
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00:00:39,429 --> 00:00:44,389
Senator Smits, so much has
changed since we last sat down.
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00:00:44,389 --> 00:00:47,349
You'd just been re-elected, and now,
15
00:00:47,349 --> 00:00:48,868
you find yourself incarcerated.
16
00:00:48,868 --> 00:00:52,548
We all live in prisons, Jane. Come on, huh?
17
00:00:52,548 --> 00:00:56,628
Sure, some have orange
clothes and bad food,
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00:00:56,628 --> 00:01:00,508
but there are others that
are hellholes of the mind,
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00:01:00,788 --> 00:01:06,188
inescapable pits of self-loathing and fear.
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I used to live in one of those pits.
21
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So prison has freed your mind?
22
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My soul, really.
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It's freed me to re-envision
my life of service,
24
00:01:19,307 --> 00:01:23,427
so now instead of serving 700,000...
25
00:01:23,707 --> 00:01:27,667
Mostly white people, I now serve
26
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the source of all creation.
27
00:01:32,387 --> 00:01:35,587
- God?
- Good guess.
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- And yet...
- And yet.
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00:01:38,427 --> 00:01:41,587
You'll always live with
what you did that day
30
00:01:41,587 --> 00:01:45,786
at the amusement park, won't you?
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00:01:45,786 --> 00:01:48,626
Aw...
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00:01:48,866 --> 00:01:53,146
Jane, what happened to you, hmm?
33
00:02:26,065 --> 00:02:30,985
So, apparently Leland saw
some pretty serious action
34
00:02:31,265 --> 00:02:32,825
over in the sandbox.
35
00:02:32,825 --> 00:02:34,665
Something that I know a little bit about.
36
00:02:34,905 --> 00:02:37,385
Oh, please, Daddy, don't remind me.
37
00:02:37,385 --> 00:02:39,184
Oh, fair enough, sweetheart.
38
00:02:39,184 --> 00:02:40,744
I put the family through a lot.
39
00:02:40,984 --> 00:02:44,584
Oh, this says that colonel
Grimmel dragged nine men
40
00:02:44,584 --> 00:02:47,424
to safety... under heavy fire.
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00:02:47,664 --> 00:02:50,064
Just doing his job.
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00:02:50,064 --> 00:02:53,144
I suspect he didn't even report it.
43
00:02:53,424 --> 00:02:58,104
I wouldn't have.
44
00:02:58,104 --> 00:02:59,184
Oh.
45
00:02:59,184 --> 00:03:02,344
Can I...
46
00:03:02,664 --> 00:03:03,904
Pretty impressive gathering.
47
00:03:03,904 --> 00:03:06,624
Medal of Honor's a pretty big deal, man.
48
00:03:06,903 --> 00:03:08,743
So how do you get one
of these bad boys anyway?
49
00:03:08,983 --> 00:03:11,703
You've got to distinguish
yourself conspicuously
50
00:03:11,703 --> 00:03:15,383
by gallantry and
intrepidity at risk of life.
51
00:03:15,383 --> 00:03:16,903
Well, there must be a way to game it.
52
00:03:17,183 --> 00:03:18,543
Who nominates?
53
00:03:18,543 --> 00:03:19,823
It comes up through the chain of command,
54
00:03:19,823 --> 00:03:21,903
but sometimes the skids
needs a little greasing.
55
00:03:21,903 --> 00:03:25,583
It was my great honor to
help out a former player.
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00:03:25,823 --> 00:03:28,143
So he owes you double, and
now you've got a war hero
57
00:03:28,463 --> 00:03:29,543
campaigning for you in the general.
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00:03:29,823 --> 00:03:31,903
Well, we hadn't discussed that,
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00:03:32,143 --> 00:03:35,622
but... I can't stop him if
that's what he wants to do.
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00:03:35,622 --> 00:03:37,942
It's a free country,
thanks to heroes like him.
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00:03:37,942 --> 00:03:39,502
I got to start giving you more credit, Gil.
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00:03:39,742 --> 00:03:41,382
You're always thinking two moves ahead.
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00:03:41,382 --> 00:03:44,702
His idea of a good time isn't
a big ceremony like this one.
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00:03:44,702 --> 00:03:46,342
He'd rather be somewhere
up in the mountains,
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00:03:46,342 --> 00:03:50,942
or on a trail surrounded by
cedar trees instead of cameras.
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00:03:50,942 --> 00:03:55,462
But I think our nation
needs this ceremony today.
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That's my boy.
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00:04:13,541 --> 00:04:15,661
Any word on the pardon for Vern?
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00:04:15,661 --> 00:04:17,261
He's not doing too well in the can.
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00:04:17,541 --> 00:04:19,661
It's just not a good fit.
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00:04:19,661 --> 00:04:22,301
You know, I'm not in the
loop on the pardon stuff,
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00:04:22,501 --> 00:04:25,261
but realistically, I see no chance for him.
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00:04:25,261 --> 00:04:26,261
Why is that?
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00:04:26,541 --> 00:04:29,141
Well, two words... amusement park.
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00:04:40,380 --> 00:04:41,980
Who jacks food from the White House?
76
00:04:42,300 --> 00:04:43,580
You didn't do this when you were an aide?
77
00:04:43,860 --> 00:04:45,140
Load up at receptions?
78
00:04:45,420 --> 00:04:46,500
Yeah, cheese cubes and crackers,
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00:04:46,780 --> 00:04:48,300
but you're boosting high-end shit.
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00:04:48,300 --> 00:04:49,660
I need carbs.
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00:04:49,660 --> 00:04:52,020
This is my only real meal of the day.
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00:04:52,260 --> 00:04:54,700
- Flash hug!
- Oh.
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00:04:54,700 --> 00:04:56,540
I never get to see him anymore, Senator.
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00:04:56,540 --> 00:04:59,179
You are working him too hard.
85
00:05:05,499 --> 00:05:08,059
Worse than you think.
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00:05:08,379 --> 00:05:12,619
See you back at the house.
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00:05:12,619 --> 00:05:17,099
Leland, God damn it, son.
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00:05:17,099 --> 00:05:20,539
What a proud day for you,
and for the whole state,
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00:05:20,539 --> 00:05:22,179
and for me.
90
00:05:22,419 --> 00:05:24,859
Look at you, Medal of Honor
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00:05:24,859 --> 00:05:27,098
hanging proud from our tar heel colors.
92
00:05:27,098 --> 00:05:29,938
Yeah, it does kind of feel like home, huh?
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00:05:29,938 --> 00:05:31,818
Hey, listen, Coach, I was
wondering if we could get
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00:05:32,058 --> 00:05:34,998
together today, you know,
away from all the crowd.
95
00:05:34,998 --> 00:05:37,818
Hell yeah, son, we got a
lot of catching up to do.
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00:05:37,818 --> 00:05:39,898
You come by the office
later this afternoon.
97
00:05:39,898 --> 00:05:41,778
I'll have Tammy clear my schedule.
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00:05:41,778 --> 00:05:44,138
And get us some cigars, good ones.
99
00:05:44,138 --> 00:05:45,738
Got you covered, big guy.
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00:05:45,738 --> 00:05:47,578
Habanos, I'll send some over.
101
00:05:47,858 --> 00:05:50,138
Colonel, Andy Guzman,
heard a lot about you.
102
00:05:50,138 --> 00:05:52,498
- I wonder who from.
- From your citation.
103
00:05:52,778 --> 00:05:55,577
Went on a bit, but it was very impressive.
104
00:05:55,857 --> 00:05:56,897
We should talk.
105
00:05:56,897 --> 00:05:58,737
I'd love to get you down to Florida.
106
00:05:58,737 --> 00:06:00,777
- Hmm.
- Ahem.
107
00:06:00,777 --> 00:06:02,577
Oh, excuse me...
108
00:06:02,857 --> 00:06:05,417
Colonel, this is my
fianc?e, Adriana de Portago.
109
00:06:05,777 --> 00:06:09,137
- Ma'am.
- Fianc?e? Senator! Ma'am!
110
00:06:09,137 --> 00:06:12,137
He proposed in Puerto
Vallarta during recess.
111
00:06:12,137 --> 00:06:15,057
He played the ukulele,
and sang the most beautiful
112
00:06:15,057 --> 00:06:16,697
little song. I just rewrote the lyrics
113
00:06:16,697 --> 00:06:17,977
to Blurred Lines, that was all.
114
00:06:17,977 --> 00:06:21,096
Ah, well, congratulations, sir, and ma'am.
115
00:06:21,096 --> 00:06:23,976
Thank you, and to you, and
thank you for your service,
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00:06:24,296 --> 00:06:27,496
and your gallantry, and your intrepidity.
117
00:06:27,736 --> 00:06:29,256
Those words don't get out enough.
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00:06:29,256 --> 00:06:32,456
Andy!
119
00:06:32,696 --> 00:06:35,336
Excuse me, Colonel, we'll talk, okay?
120
00:06:35,336 --> 00:06:37,656
Ooh, look at that. It's so big.
121
00:06:37,656 --> 00:06:40,096
Kudos on the straw poll,
122
00:06:40,416 --> 00:06:41,496
- you freaking rookie.
- Oh.
123
00:06:41,816 --> 00:06:42,616
Who died and made you front-runner?
124
00:06:42,856 --> 00:06:44,616
Christie.
125
00:06:44,816 --> 00:06:46,856
Seriously, those things
are meaningless, Lamar.
126
00:06:46,856 --> 00:06:48,735
I probably should've pulled myself out.
127
00:06:48,735 --> 00:06:51,375
Truth is, I'm still exploring.
128
00:06:51,375 --> 00:06:52,855
I don't envy you.
129
00:06:53,095 --> 00:06:56,775
Glad my senator doesn't see
a president in the mirror.
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00:06:56,775 --> 00:06:58,705
He sees Yves St. Laurent.
131
00:07:02,055 --> 00:07:03,615
- Mm.
- What?
132
00:07:03,855 --> 00:07:04,815
Not here.
133
00:07:05,095 --> 00:07:06,855
I thought we'd agreed to stop hiding.
134
00:07:06,855 --> 00:07:09,175
Not hiding is different than
mauling me in the east room.
135
00:07:09,415 --> 00:07:14,175
Excuse me? Your partner is
lightly touching your shoulder.
136
00:07:14,495 --> 00:07:15,815
Deal.
137
00:07:15,815 --> 00:07:17,214
- Look!
- What is it?
138
00:07:17,214 --> 00:07:21,734
Um, the south lawn. Look how lush it is.
139
00:07:22,014 --> 00:07:25,374
Who knew the Democrats
gave a whit about lawn care?
140
00:07:25,374 --> 00:07:27,454
Well, they have to, daddy.
141
00:07:27,454 --> 00:07:29,494
It's the people's lawn.
142
00:07:29,734 --> 00:07:31,574
Oh, Christ.
143
00:07:31,574 --> 00:07:34,454
- What?
- Got to go.
144
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:36,094
Both phones.
145
00:07:37,734 --> 00:07:40,374
Look at this guy, here.
World can't get enough of him.
146
00:07:40,374 --> 00:07:42,814
You need to get back to
the office right away.
147
00:07:42,814 --> 00:07:44,173
Yeah. Excuse me.
148
00:07:44,413 --> 00:07:46,213
Let's go.
149
00:07:46,213 --> 00:07:48,133
- What's going on?
- Nothing.
150
00:07:48,413 --> 00:07:50,613
- Not nothing, Politico just...
- Politico just posted
151
00:07:50,613 --> 00:07:52,173
some story about the TV light falling
152
00:07:52,493 --> 00:07:54,853
during my rebuttal speech.
They're saying it was staged.
153
00:07:54,853 --> 00:07:56,973
So bizarre. Who stages
nearly getting killed
154
00:07:56,973 --> 00:07:59,013
just to look unflappable?
More to the point,
155
00:07:59,013 --> 00:08:01,733
- who makes up a story like that?
- That is more to the point.
156
00:08:01,973 --> 00:08:04,333
Who is capable of this? Rand Paul?
157
00:08:04,573 --> 00:08:06,173
I wouldn't have thought so.
158
00:08:06,453 --> 00:08:08,613
Rand Paul, of course!
159
00:08:08,853 --> 00:08:10,933
Whoever it is, it can't go unanswered.
160
00:08:10,933 --> 00:08:14,132
- I'll put out a blanket denial.
- Uh, blanket?
161
00:08:14,132 --> 00:08:16,012
You think we should go full blanket?
162
00:08:16,012 --> 00:08:18,612
Let's call in the team,
explore our options,
163
00:08:18,852 --> 00:08:20,492
- war-room it.
- Yeah, this could blow up.
164
00:08:20,492 --> 00:08:21,812
You better war-room it.
165
00:08:22,092 --> 00:08:26,532
You guys know we don't
actually have a war room, right?
166
00:08:26,812 --> 00:08:28,332
It's got to be Rand Paul.
167
00:08:28,332 --> 00:08:30,532
What do you smell?
168
00:08:30,812 --> 00:08:34,012
Could it be Chateaubriand
169
00:08:34,012 --> 00:08:36,932
from the chef at the White House?
170
00:08:37,172 --> 00:08:39,491
Yes, it could. Yes, it could.
171
00:08:39,491 --> 00:08:41,411
Your wife, Senator.
172
00:08:41,411 --> 00:08:42,691
What is it, Maddie?
173
00:08:42,971 --> 00:08:45,291
Gil, have you heard what Charlotte's doing?
174
00:08:45,531 --> 00:08:46,571
Oh, I have, ma'am.
175
00:08:46,851 --> 00:08:48,691
I saw it this morning on TMZ.
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00:08:48,691 --> 00:08:50,011
Christ, what now?
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00:08:50,011 --> 00:08:52,651
She's in one of those reality shows.
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00:08:52,891 --> 00:08:55,291
Real daughters of D.C.
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00:08:55,291 --> 00:08:57,171
A reality show?
180
00:08:57,171 --> 00:08:59,851
How could you approve a reality show?
181
00:08:59,851 --> 00:09:02,691
Approve? She's 26, Gil John.
182
00:09:02,691 --> 00:09:05,491
But she lives in West Hollywood.
183
00:09:05,491 --> 00:09:07,850
How could she be a D.C. daughter?
184
00:09:07,850 --> 00:09:08,850
"All the girls are daughters
185
00:09:09,130 --> 00:09:11,170
of actual United States senators.
186
00:09:11,170 --> 00:09:15,610
They bond over the resentment
of their powerful parents."
187
00:09:15,890 --> 00:09:17,490
Excuse me, Senator.
188
00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:20,650
Colonel Grimmel here to see you.
189
00:09:20,650 --> 00:09:24,570
Leland's there?
190
00:09:24,890 --> 00:09:27,290
Please come in, Sir.
191
00:09:27,290 --> 00:09:29,890
I better get over to the house.
192
00:09:29,890 --> 00:09:31,570
I'll see you there, Senator.
193
00:09:34,130 --> 00:09:35,089
Colonel.
194
00:09:35,329 --> 00:09:38,689
Nice to see you again, Ms. Stackhouse.
195
00:09:38,689 --> 00:09:40,009
Go, go!
196
00:09:40,009 --> 00:09:43,529
- Hey, Coach.
- Leland, darling boy!
197
00:09:43,529 --> 00:09:45,169
Mrs. Biggs.
198
00:09:45,169 --> 00:09:48,329
We could not be prouder of
you if you were our own child.
199
00:09:48,329 --> 00:09:50,409
Actually, we could, considering what our
200
00:09:50,649 --> 00:09:52,209
- own child is doing.
- Hush.
201
00:09:52,209 --> 00:09:54,609
Leland, I just saw you on
the news in your dress blues.
202
00:09:54,609 --> 00:09:55,849
You looked good enough to eat!
203
00:09:55,849 --> 00:09:57,089
You should run for office someday.
204
00:09:57,409 --> 00:09:59,649
Shouldn't he, Gil? You could groom him!
205
00:10:00,009 --> 00:10:02,368
Now, Maddie, I'm sure the
last thing Leland wants to do
206
00:10:02,368 --> 00:10:04,928
is run for county commissioner or whatever.
207
00:10:04,928 --> 00:10:06,848
Well, actually, Coach,
that's what I wanted to come
208
00:10:07,088 --> 00:10:08,648
speak to you about.
209
00:10:08,928 --> 00:10:11,088
Last month, after news of the medal broke,
210
00:10:11,368 --> 00:10:15,568
the party kind of put out some feelers.
211
00:10:15,808 --> 00:10:17,888
Good lord, you are running for something.
212
00:10:17,888 --> 00:10:19,368
That's wonderful news.
213
00:10:19,608 --> 00:10:22,488
Which party is that, Leland?
214
00:10:22,488 --> 00:10:25,328
Well, the Democratic Party.
215
00:10:25,328 --> 00:10:29,768
In North Carolina? Bad move, son.
216
00:10:29,768 --> 00:10:31,087
What seat did you have your eye on?
217
00:10:31,087 --> 00:10:34,156
Yeah, well, that's the thing of it, Coach.
218
00:10:34,156 --> 00:10:36,847
- I'm running for yours.
- I'm sorry, what?
219
00:10:36,847 --> 00:10:38,367
Say again, son.
220
00:10:38,367 --> 00:10:40,967
Coach, look, the wing
nuts in our state have been
221
00:10:40,967 --> 00:10:43,367
rolling back 30 years of progress,
222
00:10:43,367 --> 00:10:44,687
and you've just stood by.
223
00:10:45,007 --> 00:10:47,087
North Carolina used to lead the way, man,
224
00:10:47,407 --> 00:10:49,247
pulling the south out of its past.
225
00:10:49,247 --> 00:10:51,127
Someone's got to say no to all you...
226
00:10:51,127 --> 00:10:52,807
Are you fucking kidding me?
227
00:10:53,047 --> 00:10:56,607
You ungrateful little Judas,
who do you think gave you
228
00:10:56,607 --> 00:10:58,166
your start 20 years ago?
229
00:10:58,166 --> 00:11:00,926
Who made you a star? Gil John.
230
00:11:00,926 --> 00:11:02,526
And you think you're
wearing that medal because
231
00:11:02,526 --> 00:11:05,446
you're so much bigger and
badder than all our other heroes?
232
00:11:05,686 --> 00:11:08,686
It's there because Gil
John Biggs put it there!
233
00:11:08,686 --> 00:11:11,086
You get your treacherous
little ass out of this office
234
00:11:11,366 --> 00:11:13,126
right now, out! You hear me? Buster!
235
00:11:13,126 --> 00:11:16,806
Attack him, boy! Attack
that son of a bitch!
236
00:11:16,806 --> 00:11:19,606
Christ, I'm so mad I could spit!
237
00:11:23,886 --> 00:11:25,166
Is he gone?
238
00:11:34,285 --> 00:11:36,645
Do you need something, Senator?
239
00:11:36,645 --> 00:11:39,845
Oh, no. No, no, no.
240
00:11:39,845 --> 00:11:42,845
Carry on.
241
00:11:42,845 --> 00:11:45,425
Actually... um... yes.
242
00:11:45,445 --> 00:11:49,925
Could you step into my
office for a moment, please?
243
00:11:51,845 --> 00:11:55,684
So, hi.
244
00:11:55,884 --> 00:11:58,044
Hi.
245
00:12:02,124 --> 00:12:04,924
Okay, what's happening right now?
246
00:12:05,244 --> 00:12:08,124
Nothing. It's just been a long time
247
00:12:08,124 --> 00:12:10,604
since we had a friendly chat,
248
00:12:10,844 --> 00:12:12,164
and talked about our personal lives.
249
00:12:12,164 --> 00:12:14,324
We have never talked
about our personal lives.
250
00:12:14,324 --> 00:12:15,884
We always talk about our personal lives.
251
00:12:16,124 --> 00:12:19,044
How many siblings do I have?
252
00:12:19,044 --> 00:12:21,403
Well, we should talk
about our personal lives.
253
00:12:21,403 --> 00:12:24,883
So... how's your gay relationship going?
254
00:12:25,123 --> 00:12:27,243
Fine. You ask because?
255
00:12:27,483 --> 00:12:29,083
Because I noticed at the White House
256
00:12:29,363 --> 00:12:32,803
that the two of you were on full display.
257
00:12:32,803 --> 00:12:35,683
Full flower, so to speak.
258
00:12:35,683 --> 00:12:38,363
Lesbianic flower.
259
00:12:38,363 --> 00:12:41,523
Katharine had her hand on my back.
260
00:12:41,803 --> 00:12:42,843
Is that what you mean?
261
00:12:43,123 --> 00:12:47,003
Look, Julie...
262
00:12:47,323 --> 00:12:49,722
Say I liked, I don't know, pole vaulting.
263
00:12:49,722 --> 00:12:53,162
And say we're in a country
where pole vaulting gives
264
00:12:53,162 --> 00:12:56,042
some people the willies... for some reason.
265
00:12:56,282 --> 00:12:59,162
Now, I don't have to stop
pole vaulting in private.
266
00:12:59,162 --> 00:13:02,762
I mean, this imaginary country is free.
267
00:13:03,002 --> 00:13:07,722
But it might make things
easier, all around,
268
00:13:07,922 --> 00:13:10,962
if I just pretended not to like
269
00:13:10,962 --> 00:13:13,362
pole vaulting in certain situations.
270
00:13:13,362 --> 00:13:17,681
Senator, is my relationship
a problem for you?
271
00:13:17,681 --> 00:13:20,601
For me? No, no.
272
00:13:20,841 --> 00:13:24,081
But if my wife found out...
273
00:13:24,361 --> 00:13:25,841
You know she thinks of you
like a daughter, Julie...
274
00:13:26,081 --> 00:13:27,321
- Mm-hmm.
- And nobody wants to see their
275
00:13:27,601 --> 00:13:29,841
own daughter burning in hell for eternity.
276
00:13:29,841 --> 00:13:31,201
No, I certainly wouldn't.
277
00:13:31,201 --> 00:13:35,361
See? Now you're just being smart.
278
00:13:35,361 --> 00:13:38,761
So, we won't have to
talk about this anymore?
279
00:13:38,761 --> 00:13:39,841
Oh, no. No, no, no.
280
00:13:40,081 --> 00:13:41,801
Uh, in fact, Senator, I insist on it.
281
00:13:41,801 --> 00:13:45,240
If you even mention my sexual
orientation one more time,
282
00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:47,920
I will be quitting
faster than you could say
283
00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:49,800
"gay pole vaulting."
284
00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:55,040
Raising the question,
was the accident staged?
285
00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:58,360
Well, that's the fastest
I've ever seen something
286
00:13:58,640 --> 00:13:59,400
become a "Gate."
287
00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:01,560
Our phone sheet is 15 pages long
288
00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:03,200
and everyone's on it... Anderson,
289
00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:05,680
O'Reilly, all the fox blondes.
290
00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:10,080
We need to get a denial
out there right away.
291
00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:14,639
I don't know if that's such a good idea.
292
00:14:14,919 --> 00:14:16,719
Are you guys...
293
00:14:18,799 --> 00:14:20,399
Are you...
294
00:14:23,519 --> 00:14:29,079
Please, please, please don't
tell me this thing was staged.
295
00:14:29,079 --> 00:14:30,879
- I'm not saying that.
- Good.
296
00:14:30,879 --> 00:14:35,359
But I am saying, we shouldn't
say it wasn't staged.
297
00:14:35,359 --> 00:14:39,358
Oh, God. This is real.
298
00:14:39,358 --> 00:14:41,478
Did you know? Wait, don't answer that.
299
00:14:41,478 --> 00:14:43,378
I can't afford a Washington lawyer.
300
00:14:43,378 --> 00:14:45,358
I don't know anything about anything,
301
00:14:45,358 --> 00:14:48,318
because there's nothing
to know anything about,
302
00:14:48,318 --> 00:14:50,838
as far as I know, right?
303
00:14:51,078 --> 00:14:54,278
Right, but here's the thing.
304
00:14:54,278 --> 00:14:58,158
Let's just say, hypothetically,
305
00:14:58,158 --> 00:15:00,518
someone arranged this.
306
00:15:00,798 --> 00:15:03,078
The only other person
who would know about it,
307
00:15:03,358 --> 00:15:05,998
again, hypothetically,
is the gaffer who actually
308
00:15:06,278 --> 00:15:08,077
knocked over the light.
309
00:15:08,077 --> 00:15:09,637
And, hypothetically,
310
00:15:09,637 --> 00:15:11,197
I'm sure we would've
taken care of the gaffer
311
00:15:11,477 --> 00:15:15,397
financially, not to mention,
he works for the campaign.
312
00:15:15,397 --> 00:15:18,837
So who could be the source on this story,
313
00:15:18,837 --> 00:15:22,357
- hypothetically?
- Oh, my God.
314
00:15:22,357 --> 00:15:25,357
- What?
- I fired the gaffer.
315
00:15:25,357 --> 00:15:29,197
- You did what?
- What were you thinking?
316
00:15:29,437 --> 00:15:31,197
Yeah, what was I thinking?
317
00:15:31,517 --> 00:15:34,277
He knocked a light over
and almost killed my boss.
318
00:15:34,277 --> 00:15:36,956
I should've given him a
raise and a trip to Hawaii.
319
00:15:36,956 --> 00:15:38,676
You didn't think to run it by me?
320
00:15:38,676 --> 00:15:41,596
You didn't think to run your
mentally challenged plan by me?
321
00:15:41,836 --> 00:15:43,996
Are you kidding me?
322
00:15:48,796 --> 00:15:52,436
Uh, something about shutting the fuck up.
323
00:15:52,436 --> 00:15:56,196
Listen... whatever happened here,
324
00:15:56,516 --> 00:15:58,436
it should have never have gotten out.
325
00:15:58,716 --> 00:16:01,076
That's your fault, the two of you.
326
00:16:01,356 --> 00:16:03,555
So I'll tell you what's gonna happen next.
327
00:16:03,835 --> 00:16:06,675
All of us are gonna figure out
the right way to handle this,
328
00:16:06,675 --> 00:16:09,515
except for Andy, who's gonna
put on his earbuds and listen
329
00:16:09,515 --> 00:16:11,075
to that Lorde song that he likes on repeat
330
00:16:11,355 --> 00:16:14,795
so his deniability isn't
compromised further.
331
00:16:15,075 --> 00:16:16,595
I love you.
332
00:16:16,595 --> 00:16:19,235
Oh, you better.
333
00:16:19,235 --> 00:16:21,115
I'll wave if we need you, okay?
334
00:16:21,115 --> 00:16:24,515
Okay.
335
00:16:24,835 --> 00:16:27,235
Kill me.
336
00:16:31,674 --> 00:16:34,874
Hello, babies.
337
00:16:35,114 --> 00:16:37,354
It's the Love Doctor coming to you
338
00:16:37,354 --> 00:16:39,514
with some sweet, sweet, sweet...
339
00:16:39,754 --> 00:16:42,234
Oh, Jesus.
340
00:16:42,234 --> 00:16:44,394
This is exactly what I
did not want to happen.
341
00:16:44,394 --> 00:16:47,234
- Louis!
- What's up, Doc?
342
00:16:47,514 --> 00:16:50,394
Can you grab the sound guy before he goes?
343
00:16:50,394 --> 00:16:52,794
- Senator Bettencourt?
- Yes, Marta?
344
00:16:52,994 --> 00:16:54,834
Who is "Love Doctor"?
345
00:16:55,074 --> 00:16:57,753
Well, I'm the Love Doctor.
346
00:16:57,753 --> 00:17:02,233
I prescribe commitment
to love-deficient singles,
347
00:17:02,233 --> 00:17:04,713
12 successful matches so far.
348
00:17:04,713 --> 00:17:07,833
- You arrange marriages, Sir?
- I facilitate them.
349
00:17:08,113 --> 00:17:11,473
My grandmother had an
arranged marriage, and a dowry.
350
00:17:11,473 --> 00:17:13,353
That's pretty old school. Oh, you know,
351
00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:15,233
things have changed for
women since then, huh?
352
00:17:15,553 --> 00:17:20,353
Oh, yes, my sister works in sex trade.
353
00:17:20,503 --> 00:17:22,103
That's really not necessary, Senator.
354
00:17:22,383 --> 00:17:23,983
Well, maybe not, but you never know where
355
00:17:23,983 --> 00:17:26,662
- these glasses might have been.
- They've been in a dishwasher.
356
00:17:26,662 --> 00:17:30,222
Hmm, which explains the lack of clarity.
357
00:17:30,222 --> 00:17:31,742
Look at this, Louise.
358
00:17:31,982 --> 00:17:34,542
The flute manager at the
Bellagio would have a coronary.
359
00:17:34,862 --> 00:17:36,142
Now, now, Mr. Braggy Pants.
360
00:17:36,502 --> 00:17:38,542
Things can't always be like at home.
361
00:17:38,542 --> 00:17:41,462
I'm just saying, if our
great casinos used filmy
362
00:17:41,742 --> 00:17:44,382
stemware like this,
they'd be out of business.
363
00:17:44,382 --> 00:17:45,982
This arrived for you at the office, Daddy.
364
00:17:45,982 --> 00:17:47,902
Hand delivery from the heritage foundation?
365
00:17:48,142 --> 00:17:49,702
- Oh!
- My Bush!
366
00:17:49,702 --> 00:17:50,782
Your what?
367
00:17:50,782 --> 00:17:53,981
I won a Bush at the gala dinner auction.
368
00:17:59,061 --> 00:18:01,421
Oh, my goodness.
369
00:18:01,421 --> 00:18:03,181
President Bush painted that?
370
00:18:03,181 --> 00:18:04,781
What do you suppose he was thinking?
371
00:18:05,021 --> 00:18:06,341
Isn't that painting famous, Daddy?
372
00:18:06,661 --> 00:18:08,221
I think I saw it on BuzzFeed.
373
00:18:08,221 --> 00:18:11,101
It's possible. I like it.
374
00:18:11,101 --> 00:18:13,981
It captures a certain something.
375
00:18:15,501 --> 00:18:18,461
When I look at my feet in the bathtub,
376
00:18:18,741 --> 00:18:20,900
that's exactly what it feels like.
377
00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:23,900
Yeah.
378
00:18:23,900 --> 00:18:27,460
It really elevates the
room, don't you think?
379
00:18:29,540 --> 00:18:32,180
Whoa.
380
00:18:32,180 --> 00:18:33,260
Is that what I think it is?
381
00:18:33,540 --> 00:18:34,580
Early Dubya.
382
00:18:34,860 --> 00:18:36,220
I mean, you can't hang it there.
383
00:18:36,220 --> 00:18:37,520
I'm not gonna eat my cheerios
384
00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:39,740
looking at Bush's bathwater.
385
00:18:39,740 --> 00:18:41,900
Well, it's about time.
386
00:18:41,900 --> 00:18:43,980
Where's Young Soo and
Susan? Uh, held up at work.
387
00:18:43,980 --> 00:18:46,260
Don't worry, Sir. They'll be here on time.
388
00:18:46,540 --> 00:18:48,020
They better be. They owe me everything.
389
00:18:48,020 --> 00:18:49,099
Their lives were empty.
390
00:18:49,099 --> 00:18:50,899
And your wife will be here.
391
00:18:50,899 --> 00:18:53,179
- She will?
- Driving down today.
392
00:18:53,179 --> 00:18:54,779
She's been trying to reach you.
393
00:18:54,779 --> 00:18:57,719
I know. I've... I've
been... I've been busy.
394
00:18:57,719 --> 00:18:59,819
- It's about time.
- I'm sorry, Senator.
395
00:18:59,819 --> 00:19:01,139
I got held up.
396
00:19:03,259 --> 00:19:05,099
Held up where, James?
397
00:19:05,379 --> 00:19:08,339
The bank. I had to make a deposit.
398
00:19:08,339 --> 00:19:12,059
I don't want to talk about it.
399
00:19:12,339 --> 00:19:15,219
Neither do I, but you asked.
400
00:19:15,219 --> 00:19:19,258
Spreading your seed that
way is sinful, James.
401
00:19:19,258 --> 00:19:21,218
It's $130, Lola, which I need,
402
00:19:21,218 --> 00:19:23,738
and I'm helping the
childless, who, I might add,
403
00:19:24,058 --> 00:19:26,138
had been abandoned by
the so-called creator.
404
00:19:26,458 --> 00:19:28,258
- That's awful, James.
- It's true.
405
00:19:28,578 --> 00:19:32,498
I'm just filling in, and if
I can bring joy to a fertile
406
00:19:32,738 --> 00:19:37,738
would-be mom, then $130 is
a small price to... take.
407
00:19:37,738 --> 00:19:40,258
- What's wrong?
- I just don't see how you
408
00:19:40,258 --> 00:19:42,138
can sneak off to have a paid orgasm,
409
00:19:42,138 --> 00:19:44,257
and then show up at a
garden party like nothing
410
00:19:44,537 --> 00:19:46,657
- happened at all.
- What?
411
00:19:46,897 --> 00:19:48,537
I was thinking of you.
412
00:19:48,537 --> 00:19:51,977
I used your selfie from Daytona Beach!
413
00:19:51,977 --> 00:19:55,977
You all know me as Dr.
Robert, the Love Doctor...
414
00:19:55,977 --> 00:19:58,257
Rat on! Rat on! Rat on!
415
00:19:58,257 --> 00:20:02,817
But in real life, I play
a United States senator.
416
00:20:03,097 --> 00:20:06,897
So with the power vested in
me by the state of euphoria,
417
00:20:06,897 --> 00:20:10,897
which governs such
occasions, I hereby proclaim
418
00:20:10,897 --> 00:20:14,256
Young Soo and Susan formally engaged.
419
00:20:14,536 --> 00:20:17,376
Aww.
420
00:20:17,696 --> 00:20:21,496
Mm, and I hereby tweeteth.
421
00:20:22,976 --> 00:20:25,536
The Love Doctor has his own Twitter feed.
422
00:20:25,776 --> 00:20:28,136
Lol! Lol!
423
00:20:28,136 --> 00:20:29,176
What does that mean again?
424
00:20:29,456 --> 00:20:30,256
"Lots of love."
425
00:20:30,536 --> 00:20:31,896
Lol, lol.
426
00:20:31,896 --> 00:20:34,496
Hashtag, hashtag.
427
00:20:34,496 --> 00:20:36,896
- If I might take the baton...
- I am tweeting.
428
00:20:36,896 --> 00:20:40,535
From the good doctor, I
haveth a little surprise
429
00:20:40,815 --> 00:20:43,335
for the happy couple, who are here...
430
00:20:43,615 --> 00:20:48,655
to celebrate a little "dream" of their own.
431
00:20:48,655 --> 00:20:49,655
Gentlemen.
432
00:20:49,935 --> 00:20:52,375
Jesus Christ, singing senators.
433
00:20:52,695 --> 00:20:54,815
- I am so sorry.
- Forget it.
434
00:20:55,095 --> 00:20:58,015
bom, bom, bom, bom, bom
435
00:20:58,015 --> 00:20:59,935
bom, bom, bom bom, bom, bom, bom, bom
436
00:21:00,215 --> 00:21:02,695
- * Mr. Sandman... *
- * Yes? *
437
00:21:02,695 --> 00:21:04,695
- * bring me a dream *
- * bom, bom, bom, bom *
438
00:21:04,975 --> 00:21:07,614
make him the cutest that I've ever seen
439
00:21:07,894 --> 00:21:10,374
- * bom, bom, bom, bom *
- * give him the word *
440
00:21:10,374 --> 00:21:12,294
that I'm not a rover
441
00:21:12,294 --> 00:21:16,214
then tell him that his
lonesome nights are over
442
00:21:16,214 --> 00:21:19,174
Sandman, I'm so alone
443
00:21:19,454 --> 00:21:21,734
- * don't have nobody *
- * don't have nobody *
444
00:21:21,734 --> 00:21:23,934
to call my own
445
00:21:23,934 --> 00:21:26,974
please turn on your magic beam
446
00:21:27,214 --> 00:21:31,934
Mr. Sandman bring me a dream excuse me.
447
00:21:32,174 --> 00:21:33,454
- Robbie.
- Eve!
448
00:21:33,694 --> 00:21:35,773
Aaron told me you were coming down.
449
00:21:35,773 --> 00:21:39,733
- Why didn't you call?
- I did, as you know.
450
00:21:39,733 --> 00:21:40,733
But I can see you've been busy.
451
00:21:40,973 --> 00:21:42,293
Two weddings up on Schumer.
452
00:21:42,293 --> 00:21:44,893
And they say nothing
gets done in this town.
453
00:21:44,893 --> 00:21:46,493
Listen, can we go upstairs
and talk for a minute?
454
00:21:46,733 --> 00:21:47,733
Like, right now?
455
00:21:48,013 --> 00:21:52,773
What, and miss Louis' solo? Please.
456
00:21:52,773 --> 00:21:55,933
and lots of wavy hair like Liberace!
457
00:21:56,213 --> 00:21:58,093
They know this is a chick song, right?
458
00:21:58,093 --> 00:22:01,253
- About a guy?
- But Liberace was gay.
459
00:22:01,253 --> 00:22:04,572
Yeah, but at the time,
everyone pretended he wasn't.
460
00:22:04,572 --> 00:22:06,172
Remind you of someone?
461
00:22:06,452 --> 00:22:08,012
Oh, by the way,
462
00:22:08,252 --> 00:22:11,372
he noticed you touching
me at the White House.
463
00:22:11,372 --> 00:22:12,732
- What?
- Mm-hmm.
464
00:22:12,732 --> 00:22:14,292
We had a little chat.
465
00:22:14,292 --> 00:22:17,732
- Give me a fucking break.
- * bring us a dream *
466
00:22:17,732 --> 00:22:20,372
That's it.
467
00:22:22,212 --> 00:22:24,812
Oh, my heart's bells!
468
00:22:27,732 --> 00:22:30,251
- Hey.
- Amazing.
469
00:22:30,251 --> 00:22:31,891
Just when things seem bad,
470
00:22:31,891 --> 00:22:34,891
life gives you a little present.
471
00:22:37,491 --> 00:22:39,091
Say something.
472
00:22:41,211 --> 00:22:44,091
- Robbie...
- What do you want me to say?
473
00:22:44,091 --> 00:22:47,131
I'm sorry, Robbie. I
didn't see this coming.
474
00:22:47,371 --> 00:22:49,051
I certainly didn't expect it.
475
00:22:49,051 --> 00:22:50,611
Who is he?
476
00:22:50,611 --> 00:22:52,731
- It doesn't matter.
- Who is he?
477
00:22:53,731 --> 00:22:55,771
Someone I met at the opera.
478
00:22:55,971 --> 00:22:59,890
The opera? But that's... that's ours.
479
00:22:59,890 --> 00:23:03,490
It was ours, years ago.
480
00:23:03,490 --> 00:23:04,850
He had the seat behind yours.
481
00:23:05,130 --> 00:23:06,690
One evening, he asked
why it was always empty.
482
00:23:06,970 --> 00:23:08,290
I started crying.
483
00:23:10,730 --> 00:23:12,570
What does he do?
484
00:23:12,570 --> 00:23:16,330
- Nothing.
- Psh, there's a future.
485
00:23:16,330 --> 00:23:18,210
He's in the motorcar trade.
486
00:23:18,210 --> 00:23:22,010
Are you kidding me? "The motorcar trade"?
487
00:23:22,010 --> 00:23:24,370
Does he... does he use writing instruments?
488
00:23:24,370 --> 00:23:25,489
Does he wear timepieces?
489
00:23:25,489 --> 00:23:27,709
I mean, he makes fucking cars, Eve.
490
00:23:27,709 --> 00:23:31,769
- He makes... what kind?
- Lamborghinis.
491
00:23:33,929 --> 00:23:36,569
We're going away, Robert, tomorrow night.
492
00:23:36,569 --> 00:23:40,889
- What? Where?
- Monaco, the Grand Prix.
493
00:23:40,889 --> 00:23:42,929
He wants me by his side.
494
00:23:43,169 --> 00:23:45,009
It's nice to be needed again.
495
00:23:45,209 --> 00:23:47,609
You know, I never minded that part.
496
00:23:47,889 --> 00:23:52,049
I actually missed it.
497
00:23:52,329 --> 00:23:54,528
Nelson is drawing up the
papers, but you'll need
498
00:23:54,528 --> 00:23:56,088
to get your own lawyer.
499
00:23:56,088 --> 00:23:58,248
I gave the key to the
safe deposit box to Jill,
500
00:23:58,248 --> 00:24:00,168
if you want to dust off the prenup.
501
00:24:00,168 --> 00:24:01,708
lollipop, lollipop
502
00:24:01,708 --> 00:24:03,328
There doesn't have to
be a whole lot of drama,
503
00:24:03,328 --> 00:24:06,888
Robert, and it shouldn't
hurt your campaign.
504
00:24:07,208 --> 00:24:09,248
No one cares about this
personal stuff anymore.
505
00:24:09,248 --> 00:24:11,928
- * lolli... Lolli... lollipop *
- It happens to everyone.
506
00:24:14,488 --> 00:24:17,928
Senator, you just missed
the singing senators!
507
00:24:17,928 --> 00:24:22,727
They did, like, the entire
Chordettes' songbook.
508
00:24:22,727 --> 00:24:27,167
I'll be in the basement.
509
00:24:27,167 --> 00:24:30,107
You should've invited
Colonel Grimmel over, Sir.
510
00:24:30,107 --> 00:24:32,487
Everyone would have been
thrilled to meet him.
511
00:24:32,487 --> 00:24:34,807
You did a great thing
getting him that medal.
512
00:24:34,807 --> 00:24:36,127
He's a true hero.
513
00:24:36,127 --> 00:24:40,207
And so handsome, and well-spoken,
514
00:24:40,487 --> 00:24:42,607
and...
515
00:24:42,607 --> 00:24:46,327
I wouldn't be surprised if
he ran for office one day.
516
00:24:46,327 --> 00:24:49,206
And that's all you think
it takes to do this job?
517
00:24:49,206 --> 00:24:51,926
A uniform, and a smile,
and a fancy damn medal.
518
00:24:51,926 --> 00:24:53,206
Do you think that's all it takes?
519
00:24:53,526 --> 00:24:57,966
No, sir, there are other
parts to the package...
520
00:24:58,206 --> 00:25:00,366
Like intelligence, judgment,
521
00:25:00,366 --> 00:25:02,246
mental toughness, and perseverance.
522
00:25:02,246 --> 00:25:05,166
You just assume Leland
has all these qualities?
523
00:25:05,166 --> 00:25:08,086
Oh, I know, Sir. I mean, I spent days
524
00:25:08,286 --> 00:25:10,686
poring over his service records to write
525
00:25:10,966 --> 00:25:12,246
your Medal of Honor recommendation,
526
00:25:12,486 --> 00:25:14,246
and... and I couldn't find one single flaw!
527
00:25:14,246 --> 00:25:16,725
Well, look harder, God damn it!
528
00:25:16,965 --> 00:25:19,205
Sir!
529
00:25:19,445 --> 00:25:21,885
My Bush!
530
00:25:22,205 --> 00:25:24,045
Gil John, for the love of all that's holy,
531
00:25:24,045 --> 00:25:26,205
do you know how much I
paid for this painting?
532
00:25:27,725 --> 00:25:29,805
You paid money for that?
533
00:25:33,565 --> 00:25:37,565
Louis, how long do you
think Julie and Katharine
534
00:25:37,805 --> 00:25:40,765
have been pleasuring each other?
535
00:25:41,005 --> 00:25:45,164
Louise! We don't know that they ever have.
536
00:25:45,444 --> 00:25:48,604
What you saw could have been a...
537
00:25:48,604 --> 00:25:51,004
a social kiss gone awry,
538
00:25:51,004 --> 00:25:53,164
an innocent slip of the tongue,
539
00:25:54,204 --> 00:25:56,324
or maybe they were experimenting.
540
00:25:56,324 --> 00:25:59,284
Haven't you ever been curious? I haven't.
541
00:25:59,284 --> 00:26:02,004
But I'm sure it'll all blow over.
542
00:26:02,004 --> 00:26:03,964
Hmm, Louis, I know what I saw,
543
00:26:03,964 --> 00:26:05,364
and there was intentionality.
544
00:26:05,364 --> 00:26:07,764
I'm positive as pie.
545
00:26:08,044 --> 00:26:10,444
I think it's all Joseph Smith's fault.
546
00:26:10,444 --> 00:26:12,763
What? Louise...
547
00:26:12,763 --> 00:26:15,403
No, it is. It's the legacy of polygamy.
548
00:26:15,403 --> 00:26:17,443
All those wives, sitting
around the parlor when it
549
00:26:17,443 --> 00:26:20,563
wasn't their turn, what
were they supposed to do?
550
00:26:20,563 --> 00:26:22,503
A woman needs intimacy.
551
00:26:22,503 --> 00:26:24,363
It's natural adaptation...
552
00:26:24,363 --> 00:26:25,923
make that unnatural adaptation.
553
00:26:26,163 --> 00:26:29,203
No wonder good Mormon girls
like Julie think it's okay
554
00:26:29,203 --> 00:26:31,043
to be with other girls.
555
00:26:31,043 --> 00:26:33,483
It's probably in their genes by now.
556
00:26:33,723 --> 00:26:34,963
- You think so?
- I do.
557
00:26:34,963 --> 00:26:39,482
It just makes scientific common sense.
558
00:26:39,722 --> 00:26:41,282
Hmm.
559
00:26:41,282 --> 00:26:43,602
Here's the problem,
Maddie. We just assumed that
560
00:26:43,602 --> 00:26:46,882
the primary was the worst of
it, so we don't have a war chest
561
00:26:46,882 --> 00:26:48,442
left to deal with this son of a bitch.
562
00:26:48,682 --> 00:26:51,102
So we're gonna have to go after dark money
563
00:26:51,102 --> 00:26:53,442
as soon as he announces. What dark money?
564
00:26:53,442 --> 00:26:56,002
The super PACs... they can hit Leland
565
00:26:56,282 --> 00:26:58,202
lower and harder than I can.
566
00:26:58,202 --> 00:27:01,882
I'm gonna have Louis make an
intro to the watt brothers.
567
00:27:02,122 --> 00:27:04,202
I might have to kiss one or both rings,
568
00:27:04,482 --> 00:27:07,041
but those old boys can make the mud fly.
569
00:27:07,041 --> 00:27:09,201
- Hmm.
- It's not gonna be easy.
570
00:27:09,201 --> 00:27:11,961
Leland's a tough son of
a bitch, hard to rattle.
571
00:27:12,281 --> 00:27:14,921
You rip his face off, he grows another.
572
00:27:14,921 --> 00:27:17,841
- Honey bear?
- Hmm?
573
00:27:18,081 --> 00:27:20,761
You're beginning to scare me, darling.
574
00:27:20,761 --> 00:27:23,201
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
575
00:27:23,201 --> 00:27:26,441
It's kind of a turn-on.
576
00:27:26,681 --> 00:27:29,361
Such a strange day. One minute, Katharine's
577
00:27:29,721 --> 00:27:32,401
calling me out for
embarrassing the campaign.
578
00:27:32,401 --> 00:27:35,200
The next minute, I come
home to find her making out
579
00:27:35,480 --> 00:27:38,520
with Julie in front of 50
people, one of whom probably
580
00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:40,120
tweeted a picture of it.
581
00:27:40,120 --> 00:27:41,680
I mean, I hope not, for Katharine's sake.
582
00:27:41,680 --> 00:27:43,960
Although, I'd probably check it out,
583
00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:45,240
you know, if it was out there.
584
00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:48,240
Sir, what does "self-deportation" mean?
585
00:27:48,520 --> 00:27:51,960
Not a word you need to
know, Marta, I promise.
586
00:27:55,000 --> 00:30:02,000
Sync by kiberline - corrections by chamallow
587
00:30:02,050 --> 00:30:06,600
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