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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,880 --> 00:00:08,132 Look, Benji. I'm a pretty girl. 2 00:00:08,133 --> 00:00:12,929 I don't eat carbs, because I am carbs. Oops. 3 00:00:12,930 --> 00:00:15,097 That's disgusting. I'm not eating the spaghetti now. 4 00:00:15,098 --> 00:00:17,225 - Why? What's wrong with it? - Your hands are dirty. 5 00:00:17,226 --> 00:00:20,186 People do surgery on open hearts with their bare hands, 6 00:00:20,187 --> 00:00:22,271 and you're telling me I can't touch your pasta? 7 00:00:22,272 --> 00:00:24,232 - They wear gloves. - No, they don't. 8 00:00:24,233 --> 00:00:26,150 - Yeah, they do. - You can't put a glove 9 00:00:26,151 --> 00:00:27,610 in an open human body. 10 00:00:27,611 --> 00:00:29,195 Doctors go like "this" with the glove. 11 00:00:29,196 --> 00:00:32,114 And then they go like "this" when it's time to go in. 12 00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:34,158 No, that's how you lose a glove inside a body. 13 00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:37,662 Take the glove off, hand it to your assistant, go in. 14 00:00:37,663 --> 00:00:38,955 There are third world countries 15 00:00:38,956 --> 00:00:40,873 that have doctors with gloves. 16 00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:42,416 [DOORBELL RINGS] 17 00:00:42,417 --> 00:00:44,252 Girl Scout Cookies? 18 00:00:44,253 --> 00:00:45,878 Thin Mints, you know it. 19 00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:47,701 [KNOCKING] 20 00:00:47,712 --> 00:00:50,216 Oh, thank God you're home. OK, I don't want to bother you, 21 00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:53,135 I have to, um... I'm on a charity bike ride. 22 00:00:53,136 --> 00:00:54,470 I hit a pothole a few miles back, 23 00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:56,180 and it did a number on my descending colon. 24 00:00:56,181 --> 00:00:57,473 Yeah, I get it. I've got IBS. 25 00:00:57,474 --> 00:00:59,642 I try to avoid crotch-based exercises, 26 00:00:59,643 --> 00:01:02,291 'cause my whole undercarriage is really sensitive, and it's just... 27 00:01:02,302 --> 00:01:04,313 - Those bicycle seats. No one's friend. - OK. Cool. 28 00:01:04,314 --> 00:01:06,566 Thanks for the advice, but I'm actually in a position 29 00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:08,759 where I need to use your bathroom, and that's why I'm here. 30 00:01:08,770 --> 00:01:11,153 Benji, don't forget the Thin Mints. 31 00:01:11,154 --> 00:01:14,031 He's not a cookie salesman. Um... yeah. 32 00:01:14,032 --> 00:01:16,158 There's a Starbucks at the bottom of the hill. 33 00:01:16,159 --> 00:01:17,429 - No... - If you're going to Starbucks, 34 00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:19,471 will you grab me a vegan eggnog latte? 35 00:01:19,482 --> 00:01:21,205 - You don't have to. - It's seasonal. 36 00:01:21,206 --> 00:01:23,624 No, I'm not gonna make it. 37 00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:25,376 Please. 38 00:01:25,377 --> 00:01:28,776 - Oh. OK. -Yes! OK, thank you so much. Hold my helmet. 39 00:01:28,787 --> 00:01:30,929 - Thank you so much. - Yeah, it's just right up there. 40 00:01:30,940 --> 00:01:33,301 - Yeah, I'm not worried. - There's a... yeah, I wouldn't... Oy. 41 00:01:33,302 --> 00:01:35,344 - [PAUL] OK. - He was kinda hot. 42 00:01:35,345 --> 00:01:37,764 Yeah, he's athletic, colon-forward, seems like a good guy. 43 00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:44,312 Who just walked into my bathroom? 44 00:01:44,313 --> 00:01:45,521 Um... my friend? 45 00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:47,153 Your friend? Oh, you know what? 46 00:01:47,164 --> 00:01:49,567 You only have one friend, OK? And I'm staring at her right now. 47 00:01:49,568 --> 00:01:51,402 Dean, it was a shitting man on a bicycle. 48 00:01:51,403 --> 00:01:53,112 I tried to stop Benji, I swear. 49 00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:54,947 Why would you let a stranger into my house? 50 00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:56,365 I... I... I don't know. 51 00:01:56,366 --> 00:01:57,783 Is it 'cause you hate me? 52 00:01:57,784 --> 00:01:59,577 You hate your brother? I'm your brother! 53 00:01:59,578 --> 00:02:01,287 No, no, I don't hate... I love you. 54 00:02:01,288 --> 00:02:02,538 I love you. 55 00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:04,540 All right, well, that's very nice, 56 00:02:04,541 --> 00:02:06,375 but do you know what the funny thing about loving someone is? 57 00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:08,725 When you love somebody, especially somebody that feeds you 58 00:02:08,736 --> 00:02:11,172 and houses you, you don't let a homeless man 59 00:02:11,173 --> 00:02:13,341 come in and use your $8000 Japanese toilet. 60 00:02:13,342 --> 00:02:16,260 Dean, I just want you to know that I have never used your bathroom, 61 00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:18,054 and I have never masturbated in your bed 62 00:02:18,065 --> 00:02:19,773 on Christmas while you were out of town. 63 00:02:19,784 --> 00:02:21,390 That means you have. That means she has. 64 00:02:21,401 --> 00:02:23,549 I tell her not to go in your room. She doesn't listen. 65 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,311 Right now, my toilet is blasting 66 00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:28,064 some strange man's perineum with lavender water, OK? 67 00:02:28,065 --> 00:02:30,816 God, I'm so grossed out right now. I am... honestly? 68 00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:33,445 I am grossed out by everybody that you bring into this house. 69 00:02:35,072 --> 00:02:37,573 I think you're overreacting. I was just being nice. 70 00:02:37,574 --> 00:02:40,894 You're not nice, dude. You're just too beta to say "no" to a stranger. 71 00:02:40,905 --> 00:02:43,495 I mean, beta's not bad. That's number two. That's a silver medal. 72 00:02:43,506 --> 00:02:45,445 You know what? You're not even a beta. You know what you are? 73 00:02:45,456 --> 00:02:50,419 You're a cuck. That's what it goes. A-B-C. Alpha, Beta, Cuck. 74 00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:51,695 I am not a cuck. 75 00:02:51,706 --> 00:02:53,645 - Yes, you are a cuck. - I can't be a cuck. 76 00:02:53,656 --> 00:02:55,581 - I don't have a wife. - Technicalities. 77 00:02:55,592 --> 00:02:58,803 OK, look, some people might be cucks. Some people might be alphas. 78 00:02:58,804 --> 00:03:00,846 We have to celebrate diversity. 79 00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:02,306 [SIGHS] Thanks, dude. Totally. 80 00:03:02,307 --> 00:03:04,600 That toilet is a real trip to Thailand. 81 00:03:04,601 --> 00:03:08,396 Thanks for holdin' that. Hey, uh, Paul. 82 00:03:08,397 --> 00:03:10,107 How's it... uh... 83 00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:13,819 Didn't he seem nice? 84 00:03:14,288 --> 00:03:16,577 - Synced and corrected by Shazi89 - - www.addic7ed.com - 85 00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:25,704 You're like a koala goin' at a eucalyptus tree 86 00:03:25,705 --> 00:03:27,289 like it ain't no thing. 87 00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:29,417 Is it weird that I like to watch you eat? 88 00:03:29,418 --> 00:03:31,836 You're so still, but... violent. 89 00:03:31,837 --> 00:03:33,273 It's not weird at all. 90 00:03:33,284 --> 00:03:34,880 A lot of people like to watch me eat. 91 00:03:34,881 --> 00:03:36,799 - Really? - Yeah. 92 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:38,300 - Like who? - Can't tell. 93 00:03:38,301 --> 00:03:39,677 You can't tell? I'm pretty sure 94 00:03:39,678 --> 00:03:41,387 I'm the only one in this demo. 95 00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:42,465 All right, Benji. 96 00:03:42,476 --> 00:03:45,391 I didn't want to have to do this, but you've backed me into a corner. 97 00:03:45,392 --> 00:03:48,269 I have a deep, dark secret. 98 00:03:48,270 --> 00:03:50,479 Hey, guys! It's the Esther Bunny! 99 00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:52,731 It's Easter, so you know what that means. 100 00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:56,068 It's time to watch me put 30 marshmallow bunnies in my mouth. 101 00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:59,280 Online eating videos were my creative outlet when I first moved to L. A. 102 00:03:59,281 --> 00:04:01,157 You have 100,000 views. 103 00:04:01,158 --> 00:04:03,117 Things took off really fast. 104 00:04:03,118 --> 00:04:05,911 I kinda got overwhelmed, and I decided to walk away. 105 00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:09,123 - [ESTHER MUMBLING] -Plus, I dropped my webcam in fondue. 106 00:04:09,124 --> 00:04:10,905 Hey, guys, bring 'er in right here. 107 00:04:10,916 --> 00:04:12,751 Toilet goes right around the corner in there. 108 00:04:12,752 --> 00:04:14,670 And, uh, if you guys need to go to the bathroom, 109 00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:17,210 just make sure to go all over my brother's bed, 110 00:04:17,221 --> 00:04:19,341 because he's too nice to say "no" to strangers. OK. 111 00:04:19,342 --> 00:04:22,094 You're gonna get a new toilet? You don't even know what that guy did 112 00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:23,679 in your bathroom. He coulda hovered. 113 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:26,515 It was a Tempur-Pedic seat, so nobody was hovering. 114 00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:28,517 Oh, uh, by the way, 115 00:04:28,518 --> 00:04:30,311 could you wait on putting the word out 116 00:04:30,312 --> 00:04:32,438 to the meth community about my new toilet? 117 00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:34,899 I want to wait till it's completely installed. 118 00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:37,319 OK. OK. 119 00:04:38,403 --> 00:04:39,820 What a drama queen. 120 00:04:39,821 --> 00:04:41,363 - You messed up. - [COMPUTER BEEPING] 121 00:04:41,364 --> 00:04:43,115 Speaking of which, what just happened here? 122 00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:44,897 Oh, those are like these little piggy snouts 123 00:04:44,908 --> 00:04:46,535 that people give you when they like you. 124 00:04:46,536 --> 00:04:48,078 - Piggy snouts? - Yeah, it's like 125 00:04:48,079 --> 00:04:50,915 a fun digital currency, like... [OINKS] 126 00:04:50,916 --> 00:04:52,333 "Good job, piggy." 127 00:04:52,334 --> 00:04:55,377 Esther, that's a "B." That's bitcoin. 128 00:04:55,378 --> 00:04:58,506 Oh. It's not a sideways piggy snout? 129 00:04:58,507 --> 00:05:00,716 That probably wasn't worth much back then, 130 00:05:00,717 --> 00:05:04,218 but I think you have, I don't know, like, 16 grand there? 131 00:05:04,229 --> 00:05:05,388 A-wha...? 132 00:05:05,389 --> 00:05:07,146 I'm... I'm rich? 133 00:05:07,157 --> 00:05:09,092 I wouldn't say "rich." You maybe have enough 134 00:05:09,103 --> 00:05:10,924 - (MOUTHING) Thank you. - to buy a used Civic 135 00:05:10,935 --> 00:05:12,144 that can't pass inspections. 136 00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:13,771 I always thought that I was gonna have to 137 00:05:13,772 --> 00:05:16,065 smother an old man to death to get that kinda money. 138 00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:17,691 - [COMPUTER BEEPING] - Ah! 139 00:05:17,692 --> 00:05:19,610 [ESTHER] So, now that I'm rich, 140 00:05:19,611 --> 00:05:22,363 things are gonna be different between us, and that's OK. 141 00:05:22,364 --> 00:05:25,533 I know what you're thinking. Esther is gonna be one of those crazy people 142 00:05:25,534 --> 00:05:28,619 who spends her fortune building a replica of Graceland. 143 00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:32,581 But no. Because last night, I watched a Warren "Buffet" documentary, 144 00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:35,376 and I have decided that I'm going to be smart with my money. 145 00:05:35,377 --> 00:05:37,378 It's Warren "Buffett." 146 00:05:37,379 --> 00:05:42,007 Well, anyway, my one splurge will be this premium family dining experience 147 00:05:42,008 --> 00:05:45,553 with my three closest friends, Benji, Jeff, and Tara, 148 00:05:45,554 --> 00:05:48,639 who was in my acting class once, six years ago. 149 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,391 - Hey, girl. - Hey, girl. 150 00:05:50,392 --> 00:05:52,203 - Hi, Tara. - I almost didn't come. 151 00:05:52,214 --> 00:05:54,786 Usually when someone invites me to dinner from acting class, 152 00:05:54,797 --> 00:05:56,632 it's a Scientology thing. 153 00:05:59,401 --> 00:06:01,068 Wait, is this a Scientology thing? 154 00:06:01,069 --> 00:06:04,238 I mean, no judgment, uh... but it's not, right? 155 00:06:04,239 --> 00:06:05,531 I'm so glad you're here. 156 00:06:05,532 --> 00:06:07,032 [WAITRESS] Two specials. 157 00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:09,077 - The ribeye and the pasta di mare. - Ooh! 158 00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:12,538 Hey, man, I thought you hated shrimp? 159 00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:14,748 No, I love shrimp. You just gotta... break its legs 160 00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:17,626 and take its pants off, wipe its ass before you eat it. 161 00:06:17,627 --> 00:06:19,670 It's just a 10-minute commitment in every bite. 162 00:06:19,671 --> 00:06:22,089 Did I make a mistake? I can take it back. 163 00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:23,549 No, no! No, this is great. 164 00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:25,134 - Thanks. Yeah. - OK. 165 00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:28,470 Benji, this is what Dean was talking about. 166 00:06:28,471 --> 00:06:30,639 (SING-SONG) You let people walk all over you, 167 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:32,641 and now I'm singing a song about it. 168 00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:36,604 Fancy toilet. (SINGING) Shrimp pasta! 169 00:06:36,605 --> 00:06:39,064 You do stuff like this a lot. It's almost like... 170 00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:40,858 like you get off on being weak. 171 00:06:40,859 --> 00:06:42,610 You know, isn't there, like, a German word for that? 172 00:06:42,611 --> 00:06:44,413 Oh, he's a cuck. Textbook cuck. 173 00:06:44,424 --> 00:06:45,488 [LAUGHS] 174 00:06:45,489 --> 00:06:47,970 Really, Tara? I take middle booth, and this is how you do me? 175 00:06:47,981 --> 00:06:49,283 You are. 176 00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:51,535 Stop sassing me, we just met! Just be nice! 177 00:06:51,536 --> 00:06:54,288 - I am nice. -Why don't you feed me a compliment, 178 00:06:54,289 --> 00:06:55,590 and then we can move forward? 179 00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:59,460 The booth you're sitting on is nice. 180 00:06:59,461 --> 00:07:01,503 That's about the booth. 181 00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:03,047 [JEFF] I just wanna warn you, 182 00:07:03,048 --> 00:07:05,341 there is a dark side to sudden windfalls, you know. 183 00:07:05,342 --> 00:07:08,677 My uncle once won a year's supply of pizza, and it ruined his life. 184 00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:11,680 Jeffrey, this is not a pizza prize, OK? 185 00:07:11,681 --> 00:07:16,185 This is a gift to me, for me, by me, from me. 186 00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:19,605 And I'm - that's me - not gonna mess this up. 187 00:07:19,606 --> 00:07:21,315 Wait, where did you say there was pizza? 188 00:07:21,316 --> 00:07:24,443 - I didn't. - Oh! Over here. 189 00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,654 Daddy's got it. But this is it. 190 00:07:26,655 --> 00:07:29,573 Don't ask me for more later, OK? I have been more than generous. 191 00:07:29,574 --> 00:07:31,368 I'll be paying with bitcoin. 192 00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:35,913 [SIGHS] Sorry, I'm new to this tax bracket. 193 00:07:35,914 --> 00:07:37,581 Things are happening really fast for me. 194 00:07:37,582 --> 00:07:39,541 [WAITRESS] I'll give you some more time. 195 00:07:39,542 --> 00:07:42,670 You think they take bitcoin here? They serve ravioli nachos. 196 00:07:42,671 --> 00:07:46,340 Silence. Trying to liquidate my holdings. Thanks. 197 00:07:46,341 --> 00:07:49,344 You don't know how to use bitcoin, do ya, Daddy? 198 00:07:50,345 --> 00:07:51,679 It's all right. 199 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:53,472 I actually read Satoshi Nakamoto's 200 00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:55,891 original white paper on blockchain. Shoot. 201 00:07:55,892 --> 00:07:59,595 Um, I understand what you're saying, but I think you're confusing Tara. 202 00:07:59,606 --> 00:08:02,564 Um, well, aside from the fact that your charging port 203 00:08:02,565 --> 00:08:06,610 is filled with... what is that? Corn chips? 204 00:08:06,611 --> 00:08:09,822 To dry it out. I dropped it in the toilet, and I didn't have any rice. 205 00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:12,049 All of your money is in your, 206 00:08:12,060 --> 00:08:14,307 uh, bitcoin wallet. You just have to enter your password. 207 00:08:14,318 --> 00:08:16,036 Oh. Well, I don't know any of my passwords, 208 00:08:16,037 --> 00:08:18,247 so just say I forgot, and get a recovery e-mail. 209 00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:21,375 I'm not touchin' that, and that is not how crypto works, OK? 210 00:08:21,376 --> 00:08:23,378 No password, no bitcoin. 211 00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,630 Uh... um... 212 00:08:26,631 --> 00:08:29,800 Benji, did you, by chance, bring your grandma's credit card? 213 00:08:29,801 --> 00:08:33,929 If I had my grandma's credit card, I wouldn't eat at a dump like this. 214 00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:36,557 Who ordered a Sprite? 215 00:08:36,558 --> 00:08:38,268 I was thirsty. 216 00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:46,066 [SIGHS] "Honey Boo Boo," all lowercase? 217 00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:47,484 - [COMPUTER BEEPS] - No. 218 00:08:47,485 --> 00:08:48,819 "Mama June," all caps. 219 00:08:48,820 --> 00:08:50,654 - [COMPUTER BEEPS] - No. 220 00:08:50,655 --> 00:08:53,657 "Mama June skinny now," all one word. 221 00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:55,993 Mama June wasn't skinny yet in 2012. 222 00:08:55,994 --> 00:08:57,619 - [COMPUTER BEEPS] - And no. 223 00:08:57,620 --> 00:08:59,621 - [ESTHER SIGHS] - Esther, I don't know, 224 00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:01,331 maybe just let this money go, you know? 225 00:09:01,332 --> 00:09:03,292 After the initial rush, it's really just people 226 00:09:03,293 --> 00:09:05,627 coming out of the woodwork asking for pizza. 227 00:09:05,628 --> 00:09:09,631 I can't let it go, OK? I lied! I was gonna build a Graceland replica. 228 00:09:09,632 --> 00:09:12,926 Can't escape who I am. Sorry, guys. 229 00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:15,346 We just need to think like it's 2012. 230 00:09:16,681 --> 00:09:18,265 [ESTHER] Here it is. 231 00:09:18,266 --> 00:09:20,809 Every year, I catalogue my most treasured memories. 232 00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:24,313 Life happens in moments. I don't know if you knew that. 233 00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:25,856 [BENJI] Ooh, 2012. 234 00:09:25,857 --> 00:09:27,775 I had the hugest crush on Walter White's wife. 235 00:09:27,776 --> 00:09:30,652 She was so disappointed and maternal. It was so hot. 236 00:09:30,653 --> 00:09:33,864 All the Dairy Queen coupons I used that year! 237 00:09:33,865 --> 00:09:36,450 You know, in case I ever get audited. 238 00:09:36,451 --> 00:09:38,660 My Whitney Houston commemorative death plate. 239 00:09:38,661 --> 00:09:41,705 - I knew this was a good buy. - Is this like micro-hoarding? 240 00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:44,708 I mean, you have it organized, but it still seems like it's dangerous. 241 00:09:44,709 --> 00:09:45,793 [GASPS] This is it. 242 00:09:45,794 --> 00:09:47,503 I feel like we all just blew past 243 00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:49,046 Whitney Houston death plate? 244 00:09:49,047 --> 00:09:50,631 Benji, do you remember Jason? 245 00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:52,382 I was with him when I made those videos. 246 00:09:52,383 --> 00:09:55,469 Fat guys have the best smiles, man, you ever notice that? 247 00:09:55,470 --> 00:09:57,179 [ESTHER] He was my first L. A. Boyfriend. 248 00:09:57,180 --> 00:09:58,806 He taught me about smog checks. 249 00:09:58,807 --> 00:09:59,890 He was not sweet. 250 00:09:59,891 --> 00:10:02,184 He was hostile, he was a dickhead, 251 00:10:02,185 --> 00:10:04,895 and he had this neck sweat problem, it was disgusting. 252 00:10:04,896 --> 00:10:07,396 Well, he just didn't like you. He thought we were hooking up. 253 00:10:07,407 --> 00:10:09,858 Oh, that's understandable. You guys share a toothbrush. 254 00:10:09,859 --> 00:10:12,569 I just realized that I didn't have my own laptop in 2012, 255 00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:14,488 and I made all those videos on Jason's. 256 00:10:14,489 --> 00:10:16,824 And I wrote the password down at his apartment 257 00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:19,191 somewhere I knew he would never throw it away. 258 00:10:19,202 --> 00:10:21,714 On the back of the last photo he took with his me-maw 259 00:10:21,725 --> 00:10:23,028 the day before she died. 260 00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:24,050 What's a me-maw? 261 00:10:24,061 --> 00:10:25,833 Oh. She's saying she wrote the password 262 00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:28,183 - on a picture of his dead grandmother. - Oh! That adds up. 263 00:10:28,194 --> 00:10:29,667 Well, you can't just write passwords 264 00:10:29,678 --> 00:10:31,463 on scrap paper, 'cause then robbers will find them 265 00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:34,007 when they go through your trash. I'm not gonna just call him. 266 00:10:34,008 --> 00:10:35,801 This requires strategy. 267 00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:37,678 Fortunately, I have this. 268 00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:39,805 It's Jason's favorite t-shirt. 269 00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:42,641 You kept a smelly t-shirt from six years ago? 270 00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:44,226 This'll get me in the door. 271 00:10:44,227 --> 00:10:46,062 We'll reminisce, talk about the good old days, 272 00:10:46,073 --> 00:10:48,601 and then, when the time is right, I'll ask for the password. 273 00:10:48,612 --> 00:10:51,020 I don't think he's gonna want an old, smelly t-shirt back. 274 00:10:51,031 --> 00:10:52,297 I would have a backup plan. 275 00:10:52,308 --> 00:10:54,945 Then I'll just fake a coughing spasm and ask for a Mountain Dew, 276 00:10:54,946 --> 00:10:56,489 steal the photo, and run. 277 00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:01,577 Dean, don't... don't talk to them. I don't know what's going on here, 278 00:11:01,578 --> 00:11:03,110 but he's got Chris Brown's lawyers. 279 00:11:03,121 --> 00:11:05,438 So whatever's going on here, whatever you're trying to do, 280 00:11:05,449 --> 00:11:06,582 it's not gonna happen. 281 00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:08,453 This your beta brother who let in the perp? 282 00:11:08,464 --> 00:11:09,918 Yeah, obviously. 283 00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:12,337 Dude, the guy that you let in wasn't a cyclist, OK? 284 00:11:12,338 --> 00:11:14,506 He came in and cased the joint. Dude, he robbed us. 285 00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:16,550 He robbed me, man. I can't believe you and I 286 00:11:16,551 --> 00:11:18,594 came out of the same sack of balls. Idiot. 287 00:11:18,595 --> 00:11:21,763 I mean, I'm younger than you, so I'm made out of an older batch. 288 00:11:21,764 --> 00:11:22,764 A batch of what? 289 00:11:22,765 --> 00:11:24,107 - Of Dad. - Ew! 290 00:11:24,118 --> 00:11:26,310 You brought up the balls! I'm just saying that Dad's... 291 00:11:26,311 --> 00:11:28,312 Guy's been active in the neighborhood. 292 00:11:28,313 --> 00:11:31,106 Asks to use the bathroom, then comes back and rips you off. 293 00:11:31,107 --> 00:11:32,733 We call him "the shit bandit." 294 00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:36,038 Shit bandit? That goes on official police documents? 295 00:11:36,049 --> 00:11:37,520 We put an asterisk where the "i" is. 296 00:11:37,531 --> 00:11:39,171 Dude, they stole so many things, man. 297 00:11:39,182 --> 00:11:41,408 They stole my upstairs TV, they stole my downstairs TV, 298 00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:45,370 they stole my Rolexes, they stole... [MUMBLES] 299 00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:47,497 They took four Rolexes. 300 00:11:47,498 --> 00:11:49,583 And it... [GROANS] 301 00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:51,668 They stole my zebra Yeezy's. 302 00:11:51,669 --> 00:11:53,462 - No! - Yeah. They took my Yeezy's. 303 00:11:53,463 --> 00:11:55,130 Aw, bud. I'm so sorry. 304 00:11:55,131 --> 00:11:56,757 - What? It's OK. - Come on. 305 00:11:56,758 --> 00:11:58,884 - What are you doing? No, man. - I'm consoling you. 306 00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:00,463 No, I don't want to be consoled by you. 307 00:12:00,474 --> 00:12:02,804 I think it's fair to say that I was just trying to be nice. 308 00:12:02,805 --> 00:12:06,016 You're not a nice guy, man! OK? It's not that you're nice. 309 00:12:06,017 --> 00:12:07,935 It's that you're afraid of confrontation, 310 00:12:07,936 --> 00:12:09,301 and somehow, I got screwed here. 311 00:12:09,312 --> 00:12:11,271 I mean, maybe I got screwed. I didn't go in my room yet. 312 00:12:11,272 --> 00:12:12,902 He might've taken something from me, too. 313 00:12:12,913 --> 00:12:16,652 Yeah, they stole your Target bedsheets. 314 00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:17,819 - Come on, man. - No. 315 00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:19,696 [SIGHS] I'm sorry! 316 00:12:19,697 --> 00:12:21,240 [CELL PHONE RINGS] 317 00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:22,824 [JEFF] What's up, B? 318 00:12:22,825 --> 00:12:24,767 Whoa, what's up with all those cops? 319 00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:27,621 What, is an ethnic man innocently jogging through your neighborhood? 320 00:12:27,622 --> 00:12:29,623 No, I... I got my brother's house robbed 321 00:12:29,624 --> 00:12:31,833 by someone who took advantage of my colon empathy. 322 00:12:31,834 --> 00:12:33,627 All right, well, anyway, listen. 323 00:12:33,628 --> 00:12:35,413 I'm calling because I'm worried about Esther. 324 00:12:35,424 --> 00:12:37,756 I don't think she should go over to see her ex by herself. 325 00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:41,009 She's not answering my calls, and you said he was hostile. 326 00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:43,929 I wouldn't say he's hostile. I'd say that he's just 327 00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:45,639 super selective about being calm. 328 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:48,642 Hey. So you got your brother's place robbed, 329 00:12:48,643 --> 00:12:51,603 now your friend's about to go get murdered confronting an angry ex? 330 00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:53,021 She's tough. She can handle it. 331 00:12:53,022 --> 00:12:55,148 She has plastic cutlery on her at all times. 332 00:12:55,149 --> 00:12:57,651 Go help your friend, asshole. 333 00:12:57,652 --> 00:13:00,529 OK, so I'm gonna die. I need you to take care of all my fish. 334 00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:03,949 Especially Gaucho. He's the orange clown and needs a lot of one-on-one. 335 00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:06,326 I don't want your fish. Goucho gon' die too. 336 00:13:06,327 --> 00:13:07,703 [PHONE BEEPS] 337 00:13:07,704 --> 00:13:09,621 Hey, if you die, I'll take your fish. 338 00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:10,832 [KNOCKING] 339 00:13:15,837 --> 00:13:16,837 Jason? 340 00:13:16,838 --> 00:13:18,880 Esther? 341 00:13:18,881 --> 00:13:20,632 Um... 342 00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:23,093 I wanted to bring you back your favorite t-shirt. 343 00:13:23,094 --> 00:13:25,596 It's an XXXL. 344 00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:32,102 Wow, Jason. You look really... 345 00:13:32,103 --> 00:13:34,062 I've lost 102 pounds. 346 00:13:34,063 --> 00:13:35,857 That is a whole Esther. 347 00:13:35,868 --> 00:13:37,489 You know, I thought you were the one. 348 00:13:37,500 --> 00:13:38,900 But then, when you dumped me, 349 00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:43,114 I went and I rebuilt myself. Brick by brick. Lat by lat. 350 00:13:44,615 --> 00:13:47,701 Um... I don't suppose you want this? 351 00:13:47,702 --> 00:13:50,328 [SCOFFS] Yeah, you know what, actually, I will take that. 352 00:13:50,329 --> 00:13:53,081 Huh. Follow me. 353 00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:54,916 This, Esther, is my "Never Again" wall. 354 00:13:54,917 --> 00:13:57,878 It reminds me of the past that I'm never going back to. 355 00:13:57,879 --> 00:14:01,131 OK, I'll just sit on this bench-thing. 356 00:14:01,132 --> 00:14:04,009 And this - this is my Wall of Achievement. 357 00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:06,261 CrossFit has taught me to pull myself up 358 00:14:06,262 --> 00:14:08,180 even when someone's trying to drag me down. 359 00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:09,556 Oh, my God, you are so dramatic. 360 00:14:09,557 --> 00:14:11,141 I never tried to drag you down. 361 00:14:11,142 --> 00:14:12,934 No! It's literally an exercise 362 00:14:12,935 --> 00:14:14,478 where you try to pull yourself up 363 00:14:14,479 --> 00:14:16,198 while other people try to drag you down. 364 00:14:16,209 --> 00:14:17,210 Oh. 365 00:14:17,982 --> 00:14:20,692 So, um... wait, whatever happened to 366 00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:24,321 that sweet photo of you and your me-maw that used to be right there? 367 00:14:24,322 --> 00:14:26,323 - What? -The one you took right before she died. 368 00:14:26,324 --> 00:14:29,493 I don't know. I put it in my guest room. Why are you even here, Esther? 369 00:14:29,494 --> 00:14:32,120 What, did your boyfriend Benji finally break up with you? 370 00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:35,707 I told you! Benji was never my boyfriend, OK? 371 00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:38,085 He's like those oatmeal packets that are always 372 00:14:38,086 --> 00:14:40,045 in your kitchen, but you never really want them. 373 00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:42,297 - Well, then, what do you want, Esther? - I want... 374 00:14:42,298 --> 00:14:43,673 Because whatever it is, 375 00:14:43,674 --> 00:14:45,592 get ready to hear "no," OK? 376 00:14:45,593 --> 00:14:47,636 I've learned to set boundaries. 377 00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:52,099 Well, what if I told you that I'm here for you, Jason? 378 00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:54,726 - What? -I can't stop thinking about us. 379 00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:56,478 You were so heavy and comforting, 380 00:14:56,479 --> 00:14:59,731 like those thunder vests that keep small dogs calm in the rain. 381 00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:01,858 - I was? - Yeah. 382 00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:05,028 And I understand if you feel like you can't trust me anymore. 383 00:15:05,029 --> 00:15:07,656 Oh, God, you're the 102 pounds that I really miss. 384 00:15:07,657 --> 00:15:11,034 Maybe we should take this into the guest bedroom. 385 00:15:11,035 --> 00:15:12,870 [KNOCKING] 386 00:15:14,205 --> 00:15:15,456 [JASON] Benji? 387 00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:18,208 Jason? 388 00:15:18,209 --> 00:15:19,960 You look great. You have Thor arms. 389 00:15:19,961 --> 00:15:22,337 - What are you doing here? - [ESTHER] Benji? 390 00:15:22,338 --> 00:15:23,785 See? I knew you guys were together. 391 00:15:23,796 --> 00:15:26,133 We're not together. I actually work for the census. 392 00:15:26,134 --> 00:15:28,176 [JASON] Get back here! First you steal my girl, 393 00:15:28,177 --> 00:15:30,178 and then you come here to rub it in my face? 394 00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:33,140 OK, wait a second, guys. I'm feeling objectified here, 395 00:15:33,141 --> 00:15:34,808 and I don't hate it. I am just pointing it out. 396 00:15:34,809 --> 00:15:36,184 All right, you crossed the line, dude. 397 00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:37,891 - Mistakes happen. - Why did you come here? 398 00:15:37,902 --> 00:15:40,414 I was worried about you, and I was just trying to confront him? 399 00:15:40,425 --> 00:15:42,903 - Then why are you in reverse? - Well, you know, plans change. 400 00:15:42,914 --> 00:15:45,443 - Get out of the car, dude. - Is this permit parking? Do I need a permit? 401 00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:47,028 - Stop the car! - [BRAKES SQUEAL] 402 00:15:47,029 --> 00:15:49,156 So, wait... You put me through all this 403 00:15:49,157 --> 00:15:52,826 because you wrote a password on the last remaining photo of my me-maw? 404 00:15:52,827 --> 00:15:55,537 On the back! And Jason, look at me. 405 00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:58,957 I like you. I also need that password, 406 00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:03,378 but hey - you're skinny now, I'm rich now. This could work. 407 00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:06,006 No, it can't work, OK? Because he's your boyfriend! 408 00:16:06,007 --> 00:16:08,175 He is not my boyfriend! He is a hamster! 409 00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:10,051 He is worse than a hamster to me, actually, 410 00:16:10,052 --> 00:16:11,720 because if a hamster could give consent, 411 00:16:11,721 --> 00:16:13,733 I would totally make out with one. 412 00:16:13,744 --> 00:16:15,230 I'm not her boyfriend, but that thing 413 00:16:15,241 --> 00:16:18,810 - about needing hamster consent's a lie. - See? You guys are razzing each other. 414 00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:21,479 You're busting each other's chops. You even sound like a couple. 415 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:25,233 What if I kiss you right now? Then will you believe that we're not a couple? 416 00:16:25,234 --> 00:16:28,111 OK, fine. But he has to watch. Then I'll know for sure. 417 00:16:28,112 --> 00:16:31,323 - Um, that's pretty weird. - Fine. That's a good idea. 418 00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:32,824 - I don't think it's a good idea. - Fine. 419 00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:34,093 Then you'll give me the password? 420 00:16:34,104 --> 00:16:36,703 - Yeah. - Let's do this. 421 00:16:36,704 --> 00:16:39,915 And, so what, I just sit here while you re-learn what her breath is like? 422 00:16:39,916 --> 00:16:41,042 Is that what we're doing? 423 00:16:43,252 --> 00:16:45,712 OK. [SIGHS] 424 00:16:45,713 --> 00:16:49,209 A person with dignity probably would've left by now, but uh... 425 00:16:49,220 --> 00:16:51,426 I think it's pretty clear by today's events 426 00:16:51,427 --> 00:16:53,909 that I'm not a person with dignity. 427 00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:56,281 Can't even return shrimp to a waiter who brings me shrimp 428 00:16:56,292 --> 00:16:59,267 when I didn't want it. Didn't order it. 429 00:16:59,268 --> 00:17:01,645 You know who does shrimp right? The Cheesecake Factory. 430 00:17:01,646 --> 00:17:06,660 They remove the tails for you. You know? And they put in chicken and shrimp. 431 00:17:06,671 --> 00:17:08,454 Some places won't combine chicken and shrimp, 432 00:17:08,465 --> 00:17:11,154 and that's the protein I'm looking for. 433 00:17:11,155 --> 00:17:13,240 - [LIGHT MOANING] - Fun animal fact: 434 00:17:13,241 --> 00:17:16,534 Flamingos are actually gray when they're born, 435 00:17:16,535 --> 00:17:20,372 so a baby flamingo is gray, and then they turn pink eventually 436 00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:22,624 from all the shrimp they eat. 437 00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:25,752 - I wonder if they have issues with the tail... -OK, fine! 438 00:17:25,753 --> 00:17:28,171 You guys aren't a couple. Go get your password. 439 00:17:28,172 --> 00:17:29,757 - That was fun! - [SIGHS] 440 00:17:31,008 --> 00:17:32,092 You a shrimp guy, or no? 441 00:17:32,093 --> 00:17:33,319 God! 442 00:17:33,330 --> 00:17:35,512 She kept trying to tell me you guys weren't a couple, 443 00:17:35,513 --> 00:17:37,553 but I just didn't believe her. I'm so stupid! 444 00:17:37,564 --> 00:17:39,579 Esther's the best thing that's ever happened to me, 445 00:17:39,590 --> 00:17:40,715 you know, and I blew it. 446 00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:44,145 Esther's the best thing that ever happened to you? Come on, man. 447 00:17:44,146 --> 00:17:46,700 You used to have a microwave in your bathroom. 448 00:17:46,711 --> 00:17:48,942 Losing her's the best thing that ever happened to you. 449 00:17:48,943 --> 00:17:51,111 You know, I've never been nice to you, ever, 450 00:17:51,112 --> 00:17:54,114 and now you're being nice to me? You don't have to do this. 451 00:17:54,115 --> 00:17:56,575 I do. I'm the beta cuck pushover. This is what we do. 452 00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:58,910 No, you're not. You're an empath. 453 00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:02,163 You know who else is an empath? The Rock. 454 00:18:02,164 --> 00:18:05,208 - Hm. -He says that his biggest muscle 455 00:18:05,209 --> 00:18:08,545 is his heart. Yeah, his heart. 456 00:18:08,546 --> 00:18:11,006 - I like that. - I got the password! 457 00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:13,008 That was a good system after all. 458 00:18:13,009 --> 00:18:15,802 - So, what what it? - "Kobe Shack." 459 00:18:15,803 --> 00:18:18,346 Huh. You don't like basketball. "Kobe Shaq"? 460 00:18:18,347 --> 00:18:21,808 Oh, it's an all-you-can-eat Japanese beef place I used to go to. 461 00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:24,269 - OK, let me just cash out. - [COMPUTER DINGS] 462 00:18:24,270 --> 00:18:26,855 And Jason, as soon as I cash out, 463 00:18:26,856 --> 00:18:29,399 you and me can go finish what we started 464 00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:32,277 and maybe even roll around naked in a bed full of fives. 465 00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:34,282 [COMPUTER BUZZES] 466 00:18:34,293 --> 00:18:35,860 What, am I reading this wrong? What... 467 00:18:35,871 --> 00:18:37,772 Why does it say I have zero bitcoins? 468 00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:40,076 It says you spent all the money in 2012 469 00:18:40,077 --> 00:18:44,998 when it was only worth 25 bucks at JumboBoyTees.com? 470 00:18:44,999 --> 00:18:48,835 Oh, yeah. You told me to buy myself something special for my birthday. 471 00:18:48,836 --> 00:18:51,588 It's all gone? I'm not rich? 472 00:18:51,589 --> 00:18:54,300 Breath. OK. I'm not upset. 473 00:18:55,551 --> 00:18:58,011 I'm not even surprised. 474 00:18:58,012 --> 00:19:03,266 I am just going to take this camo t-shirt 475 00:19:03,267 --> 00:19:05,185 that you squandered my fortune on, 476 00:19:05,186 --> 00:19:07,729 and I will be on my way. 477 00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:09,648 And just so you know, statistically speaking, 478 00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:11,275 you're gonna put the weight back on. 479 00:19:13,027 --> 00:19:16,238 And if that happens, you have my number. 480 00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:22,285 I feel bad for you, man. I kinda feel bad for her, too. 481 00:19:22,286 --> 00:19:25,956 - [DOOR CLOSES] -Oh, my God. I'm empath-ing so hard right now. 482 00:19:28,584 --> 00:19:29,584 Good tidings to all! 483 00:19:29,585 --> 00:19:31,461 It's me, Esther Claus. 484 00:19:31,462 --> 00:19:35,632 And today is the seventh day of our 12 Days of Christmas. 485 00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:39,844 And you know what that means. It's figgy pudding day! 486 00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:43,016 ? Deck the halls with figgy pudding ? ? Figgy figgy fig Fig fig fig ? 487 00:19:43,027 --> 00:19:44,641 Just sing the regular figgy pudding song. 488 00:19:44,642 --> 00:19:46,434 What's with the rendition on everything? 489 00:19:46,435 --> 00:19:51,147 Did someone call for a pretty girl in a $16,000 dress? 490 00:19:51,148 --> 00:19:52,732 You look like the girl they fly in 491 00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:54,442 for a low-budget USO show. 492 00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:56,403 When is Dean letting us back in his house? 493 00:19:56,404 --> 00:19:58,446 I don't know. I think it might be a while. 494 00:19:58,447 --> 00:20:00,448 He's really mad about me getting his house robbed. 495 00:20:00,449 --> 00:20:03,952 He said I can go back in three UFC events. That's how he measures time. 496 00:20:03,953 --> 00:20:05,286 How long is that? 497 00:20:05,287 --> 00:20:06,663 I don't know. I'm not a UFC guy. 498 00:20:06,664 --> 00:20:08,415 I feel bad watching people get hurt. 499 00:20:08,416 --> 00:20:10,041 [SIGHS] 500 00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:12,043 Tomorrow, I'm gonna be doing 501 00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:14,671 an ASMR video with my asthma inhaler. 502 00:20:14,672 --> 00:20:17,799 I think your later work is kind of overproduced. 503 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:21,219 - Oh! You don't think I still got it? - No, I... I think you still got it. 504 00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:23,263 I just prefer the early stuff. 505 00:20:23,264 --> 00:20:25,187 Like, I'd still go to a Bob Seger concert, 506 00:20:25,198 --> 00:20:27,630 but I'd rather go to a Bob Seger concert in the '80s. 507 00:20:27,641 --> 00:20:29,060 Good to know. 508 00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:30,812 Then I guess you don't want to see 509 00:20:30,813 --> 00:20:32,815 what I'm about to do with this peanut butter bagel? 510 00:20:34,608 --> 00:20:36,527 I... I mean, if you're hungry, eat. 511 00:20:40,711 --> 00:20:43,414 - Synced and corrected by Shazi89 - - www.addic7ed.com - 512 00:20:43,464 --> 00:20:48,014 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 41677

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