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1
00:00:04,880 --> 00:00:08,132
Look, Benji. I'm a pretty girl.
2
00:00:08,133 --> 00:00:12,929
I don't eat carbs, because
I am carbs. Oops.
3
00:00:12,930 --> 00:00:15,097
That's disgusting. I'm not
eating the spaghetti now.
4
00:00:15,098 --> 00:00:17,225
- Why? What's wrong with it?
- Your hands are dirty.
5
00:00:17,226 --> 00:00:20,186
People do surgery on open
hearts with their bare hands,
6
00:00:20,187 --> 00:00:22,271
and you're telling me
I can't touch your pasta?
7
00:00:22,272 --> 00:00:24,232
- They wear gloves.
- No, they don't.
8
00:00:24,233 --> 00:00:26,150
- Yeah, they do.
- You can't put a glove
9
00:00:26,151 --> 00:00:27,610
in an open human body.
10
00:00:27,611 --> 00:00:29,195
Doctors go like "this" with the glove.
11
00:00:29,196 --> 00:00:32,114
And then they go like "this"
when it's time to go in.
12
00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:34,158
No, that's how you lose
a glove inside a body.
13
00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:37,662
Take the glove off, hand it
to your assistant, go in.
14
00:00:37,663 --> 00:00:38,955
There are third world countries
15
00:00:38,956 --> 00:00:40,873
that have doctors with gloves.
16
00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:42,416
[DOORBELL RINGS]
17
00:00:42,417 --> 00:00:44,252
Girl Scout Cookies?
18
00:00:44,253 --> 00:00:45,878
Thin Mints, you know it.
19
00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:47,701
[KNOCKING]
20
00:00:47,712 --> 00:00:50,216
Oh, thank God you're home. OK,
I don't want to bother you,
21
00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:53,135
I have to, um...
I'm on a charity bike ride.
22
00:00:53,136 --> 00:00:54,470
I hit a pothole a few miles back,
23
00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:56,180
and it did a number on
my descending colon.
24
00:00:56,181 --> 00:00:57,473
Yeah, I get it. I've got IBS.
25
00:00:57,474 --> 00:00:59,642
I try to avoid crotch-based exercises,
26
00:00:59,643 --> 00:01:02,291
'cause my whole undercarriage is
really sensitive, and it's just...
27
00:01:02,302 --> 00:01:04,313
- Those bicycle seats. No one's friend.
- OK. Cool.
28
00:01:04,314 --> 00:01:06,566
Thanks for the advice, but
I'm actually in a position
29
00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:08,759
where I need to use your bathroom,
and that's why I'm here.
30
00:01:08,770 --> 00:01:11,153
Benji, don't forget the Thin Mints.
31
00:01:11,154 --> 00:01:14,031
He's not a cookie salesman. Um... yeah.
32
00:01:14,032 --> 00:01:16,158
There's a Starbucks
at the bottom of the hill.
33
00:01:16,159 --> 00:01:17,429
- No...
- If you're going to Starbucks,
34
00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:19,471
will you grab me a vegan eggnog latte?
35
00:01:19,482 --> 00:01:21,205
- You don't have to.
- It's seasonal.
36
00:01:21,206 --> 00:01:23,624
No, I'm not gonna make it.
37
00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:25,376
Please.
38
00:01:25,377 --> 00:01:28,776
- Oh. OK. -Yes! OK, thank you so much.
Hold my helmet.
39
00:01:28,787 --> 00:01:30,929
- Thank you so much.
- Yeah, it's just right up there.
40
00:01:30,940 --> 00:01:33,301
- Yeah, I'm not worried.
- There's a... yeah, I wouldn't... Oy.
41
00:01:33,302 --> 00:01:35,344
- [PAUL] OK.
- He was kinda hot.
42
00:01:35,345 --> 00:01:37,764
Yeah, he's athletic, colon-forward,
seems like a good guy.
43
00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:44,312
Who just walked into my bathroom?
44
00:01:44,313 --> 00:01:45,521
Um... my friend?
45
00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:47,153
Your friend? Oh, you know what?
46
00:01:47,164 --> 00:01:49,567
You only have one friend, OK? And
I'm staring at her right now.
47
00:01:49,568 --> 00:01:51,402
Dean, it was a shitting
man on a bicycle.
48
00:01:51,403 --> 00:01:53,112
I tried to stop Benji, I swear.
49
00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:54,947
Why would you let a stranger
into my house?
50
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:56,365
I... I... I don't know.
51
00:01:56,366 --> 00:01:57,783
Is it 'cause you hate me?
52
00:01:57,784 --> 00:01:59,577
You hate your brother? I'm your brother!
53
00:01:59,578 --> 00:02:01,287
No, no, I don't hate... I love you.
54
00:02:01,288 --> 00:02:02,538
I love you.
55
00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:04,540
All right, well, that's very nice,
56
00:02:04,541 --> 00:02:06,375
but do you know what the funny
thing about loving someone is?
57
00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:08,725
When you love somebody, especially
somebody that feeds you
58
00:02:08,736 --> 00:02:11,172
and houses you,
you don't let a homeless man
59
00:02:11,173 --> 00:02:13,341
come in and use
your $8000 Japanese toilet.
60
00:02:13,342 --> 00:02:16,260
Dean, I just want you to know that
I have never used your bathroom,
61
00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:18,054
and I have never masturbated in your bed
62
00:02:18,065 --> 00:02:19,773
on Christmas while you were out of town.
63
00:02:19,784 --> 00:02:21,390
That means you have. That means she has.
64
00:02:21,401 --> 00:02:23,549
I tell her not to go in your room.
She doesn't listen.
65
00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,311
Right now, my toilet is blasting
66
00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:28,064
some strange man's perineum
with lavender water, OK?
67
00:02:28,065 --> 00:02:30,816
God, I'm so grossed out
right now. I am... honestly?
68
00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:33,445
I am grossed out by everybody
that you bring into this house.
69
00:02:35,072 --> 00:02:37,573
I think you're overreacting.
I was just being nice.
70
00:02:37,574 --> 00:02:40,894
You're not nice, dude. You're just
too beta to say "no" to a stranger.
71
00:02:40,905 --> 00:02:43,495
I mean, beta's not bad. That's
number two. That's a silver medal.
72
00:02:43,506 --> 00:02:45,445
You know what? You're not even a beta.
You know what you are?
73
00:02:45,456 --> 00:02:50,419
You're a cuck. That's what it goes.
A-B-C. Alpha, Beta, Cuck.
74
00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:51,695
I am not a cuck.
75
00:02:51,706 --> 00:02:53,645
- Yes, you are a cuck.
- I can't be a cuck.
76
00:02:53,656 --> 00:02:55,581
- I don't have a wife.
- Technicalities.
77
00:02:55,592 --> 00:02:58,803
OK, look, some people might be cucks.
Some people might be alphas.
78
00:02:58,804 --> 00:03:00,846
We have to celebrate diversity.
79
00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:02,306
[SIGHS] Thanks, dude. Totally.
80
00:03:02,307 --> 00:03:04,600
That toilet is a real trip to Thailand.
81
00:03:04,601 --> 00:03:08,396
Thanks for holdin' that. Hey, uh, Paul.
82
00:03:08,397 --> 00:03:10,107
How's it... uh...
83
00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:13,819
Didn't he seem nice?
84
00:03:14,288 --> 00:03:16,577
- Synced and corrected by Shazi89 -
- www.addic7ed.com -
85
00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:25,704
You're like a koala goin' at
a eucalyptus tree
86
00:03:25,705 --> 00:03:27,289
like it ain't no thing.
87
00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:29,417
Is it weird that I like
to watch you eat?
88
00:03:29,418 --> 00:03:31,836
You're so still, but... violent.
89
00:03:31,837 --> 00:03:33,273
It's not weird at all.
90
00:03:33,284 --> 00:03:34,880
A lot of people like to watch me eat.
91
00:03:34,881 --> 00:03:36,799
- Really?
- Yeah.
92
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:38,300
- Like who?
- Can't tell.
93
00:03:38,301 --> 00:03:39,677
You can't tell? I'm pretty sure
94
00:03:39,678 --> 00:03:41,387
I'm the only one in this demo.
95
00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:42,465
All right, Benji.
96
00:03:42,476 --> 00:03:45,391
I didn't want to have to do this,
but you've backed me into a corner.
97
00:03:45,392 --> 00:03:48,269
I have a deep, dark secret.
98
00:03:48,270 --> 00:03:50,479
Hey, guys! It's the Esther Bunny!
99
00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:52,731
It's Easter, so you know
what that means.
100
00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:56,068
It's time to watch me put 30
marshmallow bunnies in my mouth.
101
00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:59,280
Online eating videos were my creative
outlet when I first moved to L. A.
102
00:03:59,281 --> 00:04:01,157
You have 100,000 views.
103
00:04:01,158 --> 00:04:03,117
Things took off really fast.
104
00:04:03,118 --> 00:04:05,911
I kinda got overwhelmed,
and I decided to walk away.
105
00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:09,123
- [ESTHER MUMBLING] -Plus, I
dropped my webcam in fondue.
106
00:04:09,124 --> 00:04:10,905
Hey, guys, bring 'er in right here.
107
00:04:10,916 --> 00:04:12,751
Toilet goes right
around the corner in there.
108
00:04:12,752 --> 00:04:14,670
And, uh, if you guys need
to go to the bathroom,
109
00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:17,210
just make sure to go
all over my brother's bed,
110
00:04:17,221 --> 00:04:19,341
because he's too nice
to say "no" to strangers. OK.
111
00:04:19,342 --> 00:04:22,094
You're gonna get a new toilet?
You don't even know what that guy did
112
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:23,679
in your bathroom. He coulda hovered.
113
00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:26,515
It was a Tempur-Pedic seat,
so nobody was hovering.
114
00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:28,517
Oh, uh, by the way,
115
00:04:28,518 --> 00:04:30,311
could you wait on putting the word out
116
00:04:30,312 --> 00:04:32,438
to the meth community
about my new toilet?
117
00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:34,899
I want to wait till it's
completely installed.
118
00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:37,319
OK. OK.
119
00:04:38,403 --> 00:04:39,820
What a drama queen.
120
00:04:39,821 --> 00:04:41,363
- You messed up.
- [COMPUTER BEEPING]
121
00:04:41,364 --> 00:04:43,115
Speaking of which,
what just happened here?
122
00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:44,897
Oh, those are like
these little piggy snouts
123
00:04:44,908 --> 00:04:46,535
that people give you when they like you.
124
00:04:46,536 --> 00:04:48,078
- Piggy snouts?
- Yeah, it's like
125
00:04:48,079 --> 00:04:50,915
a fun digital currency, like... [OINKS]
126
00:04:50,916 --> 00:04:52,333
"Good job, piggy."
127
00:04:52,334 --> 00:04:55,377
Esther, that's a "B." That's bitcoin.
128
00:04:55,378 --> 00:04:58,506
Oh. It's not a sideways piggy snout?
129
00:04:58,507 --> 00:05:00,716
That probably wasn't
worth much back then,
130
00:05:00,717 --> 00:05:04,218
but I think you have, I don't
know, like, 16 grand there?
131
00:05:04,229 --> 00:05:05,388
A-wha...?
132
00:05:05,389 --> 00:05:07,146
I'm... I'm rich?
133
00:05:07,157 --> 00:05:09,092
I wouldn't say "rich."
You maybe have enough
134
00:05:09,103 --> 00:05:10,924
- (MOUTHING) Thank you.
- to buy a used Civic
135
00:05:10,935 --> 00:05:12,144
that can't pass inspections.
136
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:13,771
I always thought
that I was gonna have to
137
00:05:13,772 --> 00:05:16,065
smother an old man to death
to get that kinda money.
138
00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:17,691
- [COMPUTER BEEPING]
- Ah!
139
00:05:17,692 --> 00:05:19,610
[ESTHER] So, now that I'm rich,
140
00:05:19,611 --> 00:05:22,363
things are gonna be different
between us, and that's OK.
141
00:05:22,364 --> 00:05:25,533
I know what you're thinking. Esther
is gonna be one of those crazy people
142
00:05:25,534 --> 00:05:28,619
who spends her fortune building
a replica of Graceland.
143
00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:32,581
But no. Because last night, I watched
a Warren "Buffet" documentary,
144
00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:35,376
and I have decided that I'm going
to be smart with my money.
145
00:05:35,377 --> 00:05:37,378
It's Warren "Buffett."
146
00:05:37,379 --> 00:05:42,007
Well, anyway, my one splurge will be
this premium family dining experience
147
00:05:42,008 --> 00:05:45,553
with my three closest friends,
Benji, Jeff, and Tara,
148
00:05:45,554 --> 00:05:48,639
who was in my acting class
once, six years ago.
149
00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,391
- Hey, girl.
- Hey, girl.
150
00:05:50,392 --> 00:05:52,203
- Hi, Tara.
- I almost didn't come.
151
00:05:52,214 --> 00:05:54,786
Usually when someone invites me
to dinner from acting class,
152
00:05:54,797 --> 00:05:56,632
it's a Scientology thing.
153
00:05:59,401 --> 00:06:01,068
Wait, is this a Scientology thing?
154
00:06:01,069 --> 00:06:04,238
I mean, no judgment, uh...
but it's not, right?
155
00:06:04,239 --> 00:06:05,531
I'm so glad you're here.
156
00:06:05,532 --> 00:06:07,032
[WAITRESS] Two specials.
157
00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:09,077
- The ribeye and the pasta di mare.
- Ooh!
158
00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:12,538
Hey, man, I thought you hated shrimp?
159
00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:14,748
No, I love shrimp. You just gotta...
break its legs
160
00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:17,626
and take its pants off, wipe
its ass before you eat it.
161
00:06:17,627 --> 00:06:19,670
It's just a 10-minute
commitment in every bite.
162
00:06:19,671 --> 00:06:22,089
Did I make a mistake?
I can take it back.
163
00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:23,549
No, no! No, this is great.
164
00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:25,134
- Thanks. Yeah.
- OK.
165
00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:28,470
Benji, this is what Dean
was talking about.
166
00:06:28,471 --> 00:06:30,639
(SING-SONG) You let people
walk all over you,
167
00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:32,641
and now I'm singing a song about it.
168
00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:36,604
Fancy toilet. (SINGING) Shrimp pasta!
169
00:06:36,605 --> 00:06:39,064
You do stuff like this a lot.
It's almost like...
170
00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:40,858
like you get off on being weak.
171
00:06:40,859 --> 00:06:42,610
You know, isn't there, like,
a German word for that?
172
00:06:42,611 --> 00:06:44,413
Oh, he's a cuck. Textbook cuck.
173
00:06:44,424 --> 00:06:45,488
[LAUGHS]
174
00:06:45,489 --> 00:06:47,970
Really, Tara? I take middle booth,
and this is how you do me?
175
00:06:47,981 --> 00:06:49,283
You are.
176
00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:51,535
Stop sassing me, we just met!
Just be nice!
177
00:06:51,536 --> 00:06:54,288
- I am nice. -Why don't you
feed me a compliment,
178
00:06:54,289 --> 00:06:55,590
and then we can move forward?
179
00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:59,460
The booth you're sitting on is nice.
180
00:06:59,461 --> 00:07:01,503
That's about the booth.
181
00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:03,047
[JEFF] I just wanna warn you,
182
00:07:03,048 --> 00:07:05,341
there is a dark side
to sudden windfalls, you know.
183
00:07:05,342 --> 00:07:08,677
My uncle once won a year's supply
of pizza, and it ruined his life.
184
00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:11,680
Jeffrey, this is not a pizza prize, OK?
185
00:07:11,681 --> 00:07:16,185
This is a gift to me,
for me, by me, from me.
186
00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:19,605
And I'm - that's me -
not gonna mess this up.
187
00:07:19,606 --> 00:07:21,315
Wait, where did you say there was pizza?
188
00:07:21,316 --> 00:07:24,443
- I didn't.
- Oh! Over here.
189
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,654
Daddy's got it. But this is it.
190
00:07:26,655 --> 00:07:29,573
Don't ask me for more later, OK?
I have been more than generous.
191
00:07:29,574 --> 00:07:31,368
I'll be paying with bitcoin.
192
00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:35,913
[SIGHS] Sorry, I'm new
to this tax bracket.
193
00:07:35,914 --> 00:07:37,581
Things are happening really fast for me.
194
00:07:37,582 --> 00:07:39,541
[WAITRESS] I'll give you some more time.
195
00:07:39,542 --> 00:07:42,670
You think they take bitcoin here?
They serve ravioli nachos.
196
00:07:42,671 --> 00:07:46,340
Silence. Trying to liquidate
my holdings. Thanks.
197
00:07:46,341 --> 00:07:49,344
You don't know how to use
bitcoin, do ya, Daddy?
198
00:07:50,345 --> 00:07:51,679
It's all right.
199
00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:53,472
I actually read Satoshi Nakamoto's
200
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:55,891
original white paper
on blockchain. Shoot.
201
00:07:55,892 --> 00:07:59,595
Um, I understand what you're saying,
but I think you're confusing Tara.
202
00:07:59,606 --> 00:08:02,564
Um, well, aside from the fact
that your charging port
203
00:08:02,565 --> 00:08:06,610
is filled with...
what is that? Corn chips?
204
00:08:06,611 --> 00:08:09,822
To dry it out. I dropped it in the
toilet, and I didn't have any rice.
205
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:12,049
All of your money is in your,
206
00:08:12,060 --> 00:08:14,307
uh, bitcoin wallet. You just
have to enter your password.
207
00:08:14,318 --> 00:08:16,036
Oh. Well, I don't know
any of my passwords,
208
00:08:16,037 --> 00:08:18,247
so just say I forgot,
and get a recovery e-mail.
209
00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:21,375
I'm not touchin' that, and that
is not how crypto works, OK?
210
00:08:21,376 --> 00:08:23,378
No password, no bitcoin.
211
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,630
Uh... um...
212
00:08:26,631 --> 00:08:29,800
Benji, did you, by chance, bring
your grandma's credit card?
213
00:08:29,801 --> 00:08:33,929
If I had my grandma's credit card, I
wouldn't eat at a dump like this.
214
00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:36,557
Who ordered a Sprite?
215
00:08:36,558 --> 00:08:38,268
I was thirsty.
216
00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:46,066
[SIGHS] "Honey Boo Boo," all lowercase?
217
00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:47,484
- [COMPUTER BEEPS]
- No.
218
00:08:47,485 --> 00:08:48,819
"Mama June," all caps.
219
00:08:48,820 --> 00:08:50,654
- [COMPUTER BEEPS]
- No.
220
00:08:50,655 --> 00:08:53,657
"Mama June skinny now," all one word.
221
00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:55,993
Mama June wasn't skinny yet in 2012.
222
00:08:55,994 --> 00:08:57,619
- [COMPUTER BEEPS]
- And no.
223
00:08:57,620 --> 00:08:59,621
- [ESTHER SIGHS]
- Esther, I don't know,
224
00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:01,331
maybe just let this money go, you know?
225
00:09:01,332 --> 00:09:03,292
After the initial rush,
it's really just people
226
00:09:03,293 --> 00:09:05,627
coming out of the woodwork
asking for pizza.
227
00:09:05,628 --> 00:09:09,631
I can't let it go, OK? I lied! I was
gonna build a Graceland replica.
228
00:09:09,632 --> 00:09:12,926
Can't escape who I am. Sorry, guys.
229
00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:15,346
We just need to think like it's 2012.
230
00:09:16,681 --> 00:09:18,265
[ESTHER] Here it is.
231
00:09:18,266 --> 00:09:20,809
Every year, I catalogue
my most treasured memories.
232
00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:24,313
Life happens in moments.
I don't know if you knew that.
233
00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:25,856
[BENJI] Ooh, 2012.
234
00:09:25,857 --> 00:09:27,775
I had the hugest crush
on Walter White's wife.
235
00:09:27,776 --> 00:09:30,652
She was so disappointed
and maternal. It was so hot.
236
00:09:30,653 --> 00:09:33,864
All the Dairy Queen coupons
I used that year!
237
00:09:33,865 --> 00:09:36,450
You know, in case I ever get audited.
238
00:09:36,451 --> 00:09:38,660
My Whitney Houston
commemorative death plate.
239
00:09:38,661 --> 00:09:41,705
- I knew this was a good buy.
- Is this like micro-hoarding?
240
00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:44,708
I mean, you have it organized, but
it still seems like it's dangerous.
241
00:09:44,709 --> 00:09:45,793
[GASPS] This is it.
242
00:09:45,794 --> 00:09:47,503
I feel like we all just blew past
243
00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:49,046
Whitney Houston death plate?
244
00:09:49,047 --> 00:09:50,631
Benji, do you remember Jason?
245
00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:52,382
I was with him when I made those videos.
246
00:09:52,383 --> 00:09:55,469
Fat guys have the best smiles,
man, you ever notice that?
247
00:09:55,470 --> 00:09:57,179
[ESTHER] He was my first L.
A. Boyfriend.
248
00:09:57,180 --> 00:09:58,806
He taught me about smog checks.
249
00:09:58,807 --> 00:09:59,890
He was not sweet.
250
00:09:59,891 --> 00:10:02,184
He was hostile, he was a dickhead,
251
00:10:02,185 --> 00:10:04,895
and he had this neck sweat
problem, it was disgusting.
252
00:10:04,896 --> 00:10:07,396
Well, he just didn't like you.
He thought we were hooking up.
253
00:10:07,407 --> 00:10:09,858
Oh, that's understandable.
You guys share a toothbrush.
254
00:10:09,859 --> 00:10:12,569
I just realized that I didn't
have my own laptop in 2012,
255
00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:14,488
and I made all those videos on Jason's.
256
00:10:14,489 --> 00:10:16,824
And I wrote the password down
at his apartment
257
00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:19,191
somewhere I knew
he would never throw it away.
258
00:10:19,202 --> 00:10:21,714
On the back of the last photo
he took with his me-maw
259
00:10:21,725 --> 00:10:23,028
the day before she died.
260
00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:24,050
What's a me-maw?
261
00:10:24,061 --> 00:10:25,833
Oh. She's saying she wrote the password
262
00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:28,183
- on a picture of his dead grandmother.
- Oh! That adds up.
263
00:10:28,194 --> 00:10:29,667
Well, you can't just write passwords
264
00:10:29,678 --> 00:10:31,463
on scrap paper, 'cause then
robbers will find them
265
00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:34,007
when they go through your trash.
I'm not gonna just call him.
266
00:10:34,008 --> 00:10:35,801
This requires strategy.
267
00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:37,678
Fortunately, I have this.
268
00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:39,805
It's Jason's favorite t-shirt.
269
00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:42,641
You kept a smelly t-shirt
from six years ago?
270
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:44,226
This'll get me in the door.
271
00:10:44,227 --> 00:10:46,062
We'll reminisce,
talk about the good old days,
272
00:10:46,073 --> 00:10:48,601
and then, when the time is right,
I'll ask for the password.
273
00:10:48,612 --> 00:10:51,020
I don't think he's gonna want
an old, smelly t-shirt back.
274
00:10:51,031 --> 00:10:52,297
I would have a backup plan.
275
00:10:52,308 --> 00:10:54,945
Then I'll just fake a coughing
spasm and ask for a Mountain Dew,
276
00:10:54,946 --> 00:10:56,489
steal the photo, and run.
277
00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:01,577
Dean, don't... don't talk to them.
I don't know what's going on here,
278
00:11:01,578 --> 00:11:03,110
but he's got Chris Brown's lawyers.
279
00:11:03,121 --> 00:11:05,438
So whatever's going on here,
whatever you're trying to do,
280
00:11:05,449 --> 00:11:06,582
it's not gonna happen.
281
00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:08,453
This your beta brother
who let in the perp?
282
00:11:08,464 --> 00:11:09,918
Yeah, obviously.
283
00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:12,337
Dude, the guy that you let in
wasn't a cyclist, OK?
284
00:11:12,338 --> 00:11:14,506
He came in and cased the joint.
Dude, he robbed us.
285
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:16,550
He robbed me, man.
I can't believe you and I
286
00:11:16,551 --> 00:11:18,594
came out of the same
sack of balls. Idiot.
287
00:11:18,595 --> 00:11:21,763
I mean, I'm younger than you, so
I'm made out of an older batch.
288
00:11:21,764 --> 00:11:22,764
A batch of what?
289
00:11:22,765 --> 00:11:24,107
- Of Dad.
- Ew!
290
00:11:24,118 --> 00:11:26,310
You brought up the balls!
I'm just saying that Dad's...
291
00:11:26,311 --> 00:11:28,312
Guy's been active in the neighborhood.
292
00:11:28,313 --> 00:11:31,106
Asks to use the bathroom, then
comes back and rips you off.
293
00:11:31,107 --> 00:11:32,733
We call him "the shit bandit."
294
00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:36,038
Shit bandit? That goes on
official police documents?
295
00:11:36,049 --> 00:11:37,520
We put an asterisk where the "i" is.
296
00:11:37,531 --> 00:11:39,171
Dude, they stole so many things, man.
297
00:11:39,182 --> 00:11:41,408
They stole my upstairs TV,
they stole my downstairs TV,
298
00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:45,370
they stole my Rolexes,
they stole... [MUMBLES]
299
00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:47,497
They took four Rolexes.
300
00:11:47,498 --> 00:11:49,583
And it... [GROANS]
301
00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:51,668
They stole my zebra Yeezy's.
302
00:11:51,669 --> 00:11:53,462
- No!
- Yeah. They took my Yeezy's.
303
00:11:53,463 --> 00:11:55,130
Aw, bud. I'm so sorry.
304
00:11:55,131 --> 00:11:56,757
- What? It's OK.
- Come on.
305
00:11:56,758 --> 00:11:58,884
- What are you doing? No, man.
- I'm consoling you.
306
00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:00,463
No, I don't want to be consoled by you.
307
00:12:00,474 --> 00:12:02,804
I think it's fair to say that
I was just trying to be nice.
308
00:12:02,805 --> 00:12:06,016
You're not a nice guy, man!
OK? It's not that you're nice.
309
00:12:06,017 --> 00:12:07,935
It's that you're
afraid of confrontation,
310
00:12:07,936 --> 00:12:09,301
and somehow, I got screwed here.
311
00:12:09,312 --> 00:12:11,271
I mean, maybe I got screwed.
I didn't go in my room yet.
312
00:12:11,272 --> 00:12:12,902
He might've taken something
from me, too.
313
00:12:12,913 --> 00:12:16,652
Yeah, they stole your Target bedsheets.
314
00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:17,819
- Come on, man.
- No.
315
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:19,696
[SIGHS] I'm sorry!
316
00:12:19,697 --> 00:12:21,240
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
317
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:22,824
[JEFF] What's up, B?
318
00:12:22,825 --> 00:12:24,767
Whoa, what's up with all those cops?
319
00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:27,621
What, is an ethnic man innocently
jogging through your neighborhood?
320
00:12:27,622 --> 00:12:29,623
No, I... I got my brother's house robbed
321
00:12:29,624 --> 00:12:31,833
by someone who took advantage
of my colon empathy.
322
00:12:31,834 --> 00:12:33,627
All right, well, anyway, listen.
323
00:12:33,628 --> 00:12:35,413
I'm calling because
I'm worried about Esther.
324
00:12:35,424 --> 00:12:37,756
I don't think she should go
over to see her ex by herself.
325
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:41,009
She's not answering my calls,
and you said he was hostile.
326
00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:43,929
I wouldn't say he's hostile.
I'd say that he's just
327
00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:45,639
super selective about being calm.
328
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:48,642
Hey. So you got
your brother's place robbed,
329
00:12:48,643 --> 00:12:51,603
now your friend's about to go get
murdered confronting an angry ex?
330
00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:53,021
She's tough. She can handle it.
331
00:12:53,022 --> 00:12:55,148
She has plastic cutlery
on her at all times.
332
00:12:55,149 --> 00:12:57,651
Go help your friend, asshole.
333
00:12:57,652 --> 00:13:00,529
OK, so I'm gonna die. I need you
to take care of all my fish.
334
00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:03,949
Especially Gaucho. He's the orange
clown and needs a lot of one-on-one.
335
00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:06,326
I don't want your fish.
Goucho gon' die too.
336
00:13:06,327 --> 00:13:07,703
[PHONE BEEPS]
337
00:13:07,704 --> 00:13:09,621
Hey, if you die, I'll take your fish.
338
00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:10,832
[KNOCKING]
339
00:13:15,837 --> 00:13:16,837
Jason?
340
00:13:16,838 --> 00:13:18,880
Esther?
341
00:13:18,881 --> 00:13:20,632
Um...
342
00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:23,093
I wanted to bring you back
your favorite t-shirt.
343
00:13:23,094 --> 00:13:25,596
It's an XXXL.
344
00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:32,102
Wow, Jason. You look really...
345
00:13:32,103 --> 00:13:34,062
I've lost 102 pounds.
346
00:13:34,063 --> 00:13:35,857
That is a whole Esther.
347
00:13:35,868 --> 00:13:37,489
You know, I thought you were the one.
348
00:13:37,500 --> 00:13:38,900
But then, when you dumped me,
349
00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:43,114
I went and I rebuilt myself.
Brick by brick. Lat by lat.
350
00:13:44,615 --> 00:13:47,701
Um... I don't suppose you want this?
351
00:13:47,702 --> 00:13:50,328
[SCOFFS] Yeah, you know what,
actually, I will take that.
352
00:13:50,329 --> 00:13:53,081
Huh. Follow me.
353
00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:54,916
This, Esther, is my "Never Again" wall.
354
00:13:54,917 --> 00:13:57,878
It reminds me of the past
that I'm never going back to.
355
00:13:57,879 --> 00:14:01,131
OK, I'll just sit on this bench-thing.
356
00:14:01,132 --> 00:14:04,009
And this - this is
my Wall of Achievement.
357
00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:06,261
CrossFit has taught me to pull myself up
358
00:14:06,262 --> 00:14:08,180
even when someone's
trying to drag me down.
359
00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:09,556
Oh, my God, you are so dramatic.
360
00:14:09,557 --> 00:14:11,141
I never tried to drag you down.
361
00:14:11,142 --> 00:14:12,934
No! It's literally an exercise
362
00:14:12,935 --> 00:14:14,478
where you try to pull yourself up
363
00:14:14,479 --> 00:14:16,198
while other people try to drag you down.
364
00:14:16,209 --> 00:14:17,210
Oh.
365
00:14:17,982 --> 00:14:20,692
So, um... wait, whatever happened to
366
00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:24,321
that sweet photo of you and your
me-maw that used to be right there?
367
00:14:24,322 --> 00:14:26,323
- What? -The one you took
right before she died.
368
00:14:26,324 --> 00:14:29,493
I don't know. I put it in my guest room.
Why are you even here, Esther?
369
00:14:29,494 --> 00:14:32,120
What, did your boyfriend Benji
finally break up with you?
370
00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:35,707
I told you! Benji was never
my boyfriend, OK?
371
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:38,085
He's like those oatmeal
packets that are always
372
00:14:38,086 --> 00:14:40,045
in your kitchen, but you
never really want them.
373
00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:42,297
- Well, then, what do you want, Esther?
- I want...
374
00:14:42,298 --> 00:14:43,673
Because whatever it is,
375
00:14:43,674 --> 00:14:45,592
get ready to hear "no," OK?
376
00:14:45,593 --> 00:14:47,636
I've learned to set boundaries.
377
00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:52,099
Well, what if I told you
that I'm here for you, Jason?
378
00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:54,726
- What? -I can't stop
thinking about us.
379
00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:56,478
You were so heavy and comforting,
380
00:14:56,479 --> 00:14:59,731
like those thunder vests that
keep small dogs calm in the rain.
381
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:01,858
- I was?
- Yeah.
382
00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:05,028
And I understand if you feel
like you can't trust me anymore.
383
00:15:05,029 --> 00:15:07,656
Oh, God, you're the 102 pounds
that I really miss.
384
00:15:07,657 --> 00:15:11,034
Maybe we should take this
into the guest bedroom.
385
00:15:11,035 --> 00:15:12,870
[KNOCKING]
386
00:15:14,205 --> 00:15:15,456
[JASON] Benji?
387
00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:18,208
Jason?
388
00:15:18,209 --> 00:15:19,960
You look great. You have Thor arms.
389
00:15:19,961 --> 00:15:22,337
- What are you doing here?
- [ESTHER] Benji?
390
00:15:22,338 --> 00:15:23,785
See? I knew you guys were together.
391
00:15:23,796 --> 00:15:26,133
We're not together. I
actually work for the census.
392
00:15:26,134 --> 00:15:28,176
[JASON] Get back here!
First you steal my girl,
393
00:15:28,177 --> 00:15:30,178
and then you come here
to rub it in my face?
394
00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:33,140
OK, wait a second, guys.
I'm feeling objectified here,
395
00:15:33,141 --> 00:15:34,808
and I don't hate it.
I am just pointing it out.
396
00:15:34,809 --> 00:15:36,184
All right, you crossed the line, dude.
397
00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:37,891
- Mistakes happen.
- Why did you come here?
398
00:15:37,902 --> 00:15:40,414
I was worried about you, and I
was just trying to confront him?
399
00:15:40,425 --> 00:15:42,903
- Then why are you in reverse?
- Well, you know, plans change.
400
00:15:42,914 --> 00:15:45,443
- Get out of the car, dude.
- Is this permit parking? Do I need a permit?
401
00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:47,028
- Stop the car!
- [BRAKES SQUEAL]
402
00:15:47,029 --> 00:15:49,156
So, wait... You put me through all this
403
00:15:49,157 --> 00:15:52,826
because you wrote a password on the
last remaining photo of my me-maw?
404
00:15:52,827 --> 00:15:55,537
On the back! And Jason, look at me.
405
00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:58,957
I like you. I also need that password,
406
00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:03,378
but hey - you're skinny now,
I'm rich now. This could work.
407
00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:06,006
No, it can't work, OK?
Because he's your boyfriend!
408
00:16:06,007 --> 00:16:08,175
He is not my boyfriend! He is a hamster!
409
00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:10,051
He is worse than a hamster
to me, actually,
410
00:16:10,052 --> 00:16:11,720
because if a hamster could give consent,
411
00:16:11,721 --> 00:16:13,733
I would totally make out with one.
412
00:16:13,744 --> 00:16:15,230
I'm not her boyfriend, but that thing
413
00:16:15,241 --> 00:16:18,810
- about needing hamster consent's a lie.
- See? You guys are razzing each other.
414
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:21,479
You're busting each other's chops.
You even sound like a couple.
415
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:25,233
What if I kiss you right now? Then will
you believe that we're not a couple?
416
00:16:25,234 --> 00:16:28,111
OK, fine. But he has to watch.
Then I'll know for sure.
417
00:16:28,112 --> 00:16:31,323
- Um, that's pretty weird.
- Fine. That's a good idea.
418
00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:32,824
- I don't think it's a good idea.
- Fine.
419
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:34,093
Then you'll give me the password?
420
00:16:34,104 --> 00:16:36,703
- Yeah.
- Let's do this.
421
00:16:36,704 --> 00:16:39,915
And, so what, I just sit here while
you re-learn what her breath is like?
422
00:16:39,916 --> 00:16:41,042
Is that what we're doing?
423
00:16:43,252 --> 00:16:45,712
OK. [SIGHS]
424
00:16:45,713 --> 00:16:49,209
A person with dignity
probably would've left by now, but uh...
425
00:16:49,220 --> 00:16:51,426
I think it's pretty
clear by today's events
426
00:16:51,427 --> 00:16:53,909
that I'm not a person with dignity.
427
00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:56,281
Can't even return shrimp to a
waiter who brings me shrimp
428
00:16:56,292 --> 00:16:59,267
when I didn't want it. Didn't order it.
429
00:16:59,268 --> 00:17:01,645
You know who does shrimp right?
The Cheesecake Factory.
430
00:17:01,646 --> 00:17:06,660
They remove the tails for you. You know?
And they put in chicken and shrimp.
431
00:17:06,671 --> 00:17:08,454
Some places won't combine
chicken and shrimp,
432
00:17:08,465 --> 00:17:11,154
and that's the protein I'm looking for.
433
00:17:11,155 --> 00:17:13,240
- [LIGHT MOANING]
- Fun animal fact:
434
00:17:13,241 --> 00:17:16,534
Flamingos are actually gray
when they're born,
435
00:17:16,535 --> 00:17:20,372
so a baby flamingo is gray, and
then they turn pink eventually
436
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:22,624
from all the shrimp they eat.
437
00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:25,752
- I wonder if they have issues
with the tail... -OK, fine!
438
00:17:25,753 --> 00:17:28,171
You guys aren't a couple.
Go get your password.
439
00:17:28,172 --> 00:17:29,757
- That was fun!
- [SIGHS]
440
00:17:31,008 --> 00:17:32,092
You a shrimp guy, or no?
441
00:17:32,093 --> 00:17:33,319
God!
442
00:17:33,330 --> 00:17:35,512
She kept trying to tell me
you guys weren't a couple,
443
00:17:35,513 --> 00:17:37,553
but I just didn't believe her.
I'm so stupid!
444
00:17:37,564 --> 00:17:39,579
Esther's the best thing
that's ever happened to me,
445
00:17:39,590 --> 00:17:40,715
you know, and I blew it.
446
00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:44,145
Esther's the best thing that ever
happened to you? Come on, man.
447
00:17:44,146 --> 00:17:46,700
You used to have a microwave
in your bathroom.
448
00:17:46,711 --> 00:17:48,942
Losing her's the best thing
that ever happened to you.
449
00:17:48,943 --> 00:17:51,111
You know, I've never
been nice to you, ever,
450
00:17:51,112 --> 00:17:54,114
and now you're being nice to me?
You don't have to do this.
451
00:17:54,115 --> 00:17:56,575
I do. I'm the beta cuck
pushover. This is what we do.
452
00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:58,910
No, you're not. You're an empath.
453
00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:02,163
You know who else is an empath?
The Rock.
454
00:18:02,164 --> 00:18:05,208
- Hm. -He says that
his biggest muscle
455
00:18:05,209 --> 00:18:08,545
is his heart. Yeah, his heart.
456
00:18:08,546 --> 00:18:11,006
- I like that.
- I got the password!
457
00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:13,008
That was a good system after all.
458
00:18:13,009 --> 00:18:15,802
- So, what what it?
- "Kobe Shack."
459
00:18:15,803 --> 00:18:18,346
Huh. You don't like basketball.
"Kobe Shaq"?
460
00:18:18,347 --> 00:18:21,808
Oh, it's an all-you-can-eat Japanese
beef place I used to go to.
461
00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:24,269
- OK, let me just cash out.
- [COMPUTER DINGS]
462
00:18:24,270 --> 00:18:26,855
And Jason, as soon as I cash out,
463
00:18:26,856 --> 00:18:29,399
you and me can go finish what we started
464
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:32,277
and maybe even roll around
naked in a bed full of fives.
465
00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:34,282
[COMPUTER BUZZES]
466
00:18:34,293 --> 00:18:35,860
What, am I reading this wrong? What...
467
00:18:35,871 --> 00:18:37,772
Why does it say I have zero bitcoins?
468
00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:40,076
It says you spent all the money in 2012
469
00:18:40,077 --> 00:18:44,998
when it was only worth 25
bucks at JumboBoyTees.com?
470
00:18:44,999 --> 00:18:48,835
Oh, yeah. You told me to buy myself
something special for my birthday.
471
00:18:48,836 --> 00:18:51,588
It's all gone? I'm not rich?
472
00:18:51,589 --> 00:18:54,300
Breath. OK. I'm not upset.
473
00:18:55,551 --> 00:18:58,011
I'm not even surprised.
474
00:18:58,012 --> 00:19:03,266
I am just going
to take this camo t-shirt
475
00:19:03,267 --> 00:19:05,185
that you squandered my fortune on,
476
00:19:05,186 --> 00:19:07,729
and I will be on my way.
477
00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:09,648
And just so you know,
statistically speaking,
478
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:11,275
you're gonna put the weight back on.
479
00:19:13,027 --> 00:19:16,238
And if that happens, you have my number.
480
00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:22,285
I feel bad for you, man.
I kinda feel bad for her, too.
481
00:19:22,286 --> 00:19:25,956
- [DOOR CLOSES] -Oh, my God. I'm
empath-ing so hard right now.
482
00:19:28,584 --> 00:19:29,584
Good tidings to all!
483
00:19:29,585 --> 00:19:31,461
It's me, Esther Claus.
484
00:19:31,462 --> 00:19:35,632
And today is the seventh day
of our 12 Days of Christmas.
485
00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:39,844
And you know what that means.
It's figgy pudding day!
486
00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:43,016
? Deck the halls with figgy pudding ?
? Figgy figgy fig Fig fig fig ?
487
00:19:43,027 --> 00:19:44,641
Just sing the regular
figgy pudding song.
488
00:19:44,642 --> 00:19:46,434
What's with the rendition on everything?
489
00:19:46,435 --> 00:19:51,147
Did someone call for a pretty
girl in a $16,000 dress?
490
00:19:51,148 --> 00:19:52,732
You look like the girl they fly in
491
00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:54,442
for a low-budget USO show.
492
00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:56,403
When is Dean letting us
back in his house?
493
00:19:56,404 --> 00:19:58,446
I don't know.
I think it might be a while.
494
00:19:58,447 --> 00:20:00,448
He's really mad about me
getting his house robbed.
495
00:20:00,449 --> 00:20:03,952
He said I can go back in three UFC
events. That's how he measures time.
496
00:20:03,953 --> 00:20:05,286
How long is that?
497
00:20:05,287 --> 00:20:06,663
I don't know. I'm not a UFC guy.
498
00:20:06,664 --> 00:20:08,415
I feel bad watching people get hurt.
499
00:20:08,416 --> 00:20:10,041
[SIGHS]
500
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:12,043
Tomorrow, I'm gonna be doing
501
00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:14,671
an ASMR video with my asthma inhaler.
502
00:20:14,672 --> 00:20:17,799
I think your later work
is kind of overproduced.
503
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:21,219
- Oh! You don't think I still got it?
- No, I... I think you still got it.
504
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:23,263
I just prefer the early stuff.
505
00:20:23,264 --> 00:20:25,187
Like, I'd still go
to a Bob Seger concert,
506
00:20:25,198 --> 00:20:27,630
but I'd rather go to a Bob
Seger concert in the '80s.
507
00:20:27,641 --> 00:20:29,060
Good to know.
508
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:30,812
Then I guess you don't want to see
509
00:20:30,813 --> 00:20:32,815
what I'm about to do
with this peanut butter bagel?
510
00:20:34,608 --> 00:20:36,527
I... I mean, if you're hungry, eat.
511
00:20:40,711 --> 00:20:43,414
- Synced and corrected by Shazi89 -
- www.addic7ed.com -
512
00:20:43,464 --> 00:20:48,014
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