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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,330
I
I
2
00:00:00,501 --> 00:00:03,163
I
I
3
00:00:47,180 --> 00:00:48,773
Hot enough for ya?
4
00:00:48,982 --> 00:00:50,313
Shut up, Bill.
5
00:00:50,450 --> 00:00:52,077
You've said that
three times.
6
00:00:52,185 --> 00:00:53,812
( Rifle shot)
( screams )
7
00:00:53,954 --> 00:00:55,012
What the...?!
Dang ol' dang!
8
00:00:55,155 --> 00:00:56,782
( Cackling )
9
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:59,518
Damn, you should've seen
your faces.
10
00:00:59,660 --> 00:01:01,128
Very witty, Colonel.
11
00:01:01,228 --> 00:01:02,992
What brings you
to our humble alley
12
00:01:03,130 --> 00:01:04,461
this afternoon?
13
00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:07,262
Well, all the money
I inherited from Topsy's estate
14
00:01:07,367 --> 00:01:08,425
got me to thinking.
15
00:01:08,635 --> 00:01:10,160
Topsy's dead.
16
00:01:11,972 --> 00:01:13,963
I outlived my last friend.
17
00:01:14,841 --> 00:01:17,776
Dang, it makes a man
feel invincible.
18
00:01:17,878 --> 00:01:21,576
Congratulations on once again
outrunning the reaper, sir.
19
00:01:21,682 --> 00:01:23,116
It gets better than that.
20
00:01:23,216 --> 00:01:26,743
Topsy left me $10,000
to take care of his funeral.
21
00:01:26,853 --> 00:01:29,515
So after the cremation
and ash bag,
22
00:01:29,656 --> 00:01:32,250
I'm still up $9,920.
23
00:01:32,359 --> 00:01:33,690
Well, that's great.
24
00:01:33,827 --> 00:01:35,852
You can finally get
your Cadillac car back
25
00:01:35,996 --> 00:01:36,986
from Lane Pratley,
26
00:01:37,130 --> 00:01:39,428
so you don't have to keep
taking the bus everywhere.
27
00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:41,228
Heck, I bet you'll
have enough left over
28
00:01:41,335 --> 00:01:43,429
to buy a certificate
of deposit.
29
00:01:43,537 --> 00:01:46,006
Car payments? CDs?
30
00:01:46,139 --> 00:01:47,951
That ain't good
enough for Topsy.
31
00:01:47,975 --> 00:01:50,672
I'm gonna use the money to
do what he would've done:
32
00:01:50,811 --> 00:01:53,143
hell raising
and girl chasing.
33
00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:55,408
And I'm gonna need
someone to help me.
34
00:01:57,184 --> 00:01:59,312
- Uh... Fatty.
- Sir!
35
00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:00,318
Ain't you in the Army?
36
00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:01,612
Sergeant Barber, sir!
37
00:02:01,722 --> 00:02:03,952
Fatty, you're my new friend.
38
00:02:04,057 --> 00:02:04,990
Congratulations.
39
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:06,752
Really? Me?
40
00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:08,521
Thank you, sir!
41
00:02:09,696 --> 00:02:11,130
What're we
gonna do first?
42
00:02:11,231 --> 00:02:12,460
Should I change my shirt?
43
00:02:12,566 --> 00:02:13,590
Take my shirt off?
44
00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:15,099
Get a new shirt?!
45
00:02:15,202 --> 00:02:16,966
So then Cotton says,
46
00:02:17,104 --> 00:02:19,573
"I bet Fatty here
can eat 50 potatoes,"
47
00:02:19,673 --> 00:02:21,641
and the bartender said,
"No way."
48
00:02:21,775 --> 00:02:24,267
Which of course was a terrible
insult to the colonel's honor.
49
00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:27,404
Long story short, I was
pronounced legally dead.
50
00:02:27,514 --> 00:02:29,676
But it was
a heck of a weekend.
51
00:02:29,883 --> 00:02:31,044
Yeah, it was...
52
00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:34,019
What else you got to
get into around here?
53
00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:35,918
Me and Topsy's money
are getting bored.
54
00:02:36,023 --> 00:02:37,081
If you're looking for fun,
55
00:02:37,190 --> 00:02:39,158
I've got a super long
extension cord.
56
00:02:39,292 --> 00:02:40,782
We could see
what it would be like
57
00:02:40,894 --> 00:02:42,020
to make toast in the alley.
58
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:43,493
Nope.
59
00:02:43,630 --> 00:02:45,598
Only thing that makes sense
is to head for the place
60
00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:48,794
where a man with American
dollars can live like a king,
61
00:02:48,935 --> 00:02:51,632
suckling on God's great teat.
62
00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:52,603
Mexico.
63
00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:54,504
Margareetees
and senoreetees!
64
00:02:54,641 --> 00:02:55,904
Amen, Fatty.
65
00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:57,773
What? No, no way.
66
00:02:57,878 --> 00:03:00,779
I got a brochure from
a timeshare in Mexico.
67
00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:02,178
It looks beautiful.
68
00:03:02,315 --> 00:03:03,805
You're going to buy
a timeshare?
69
00:03:03,950 --> 00:03:05,111
In Mexico?
70
00:03:05,218 --> 00:03:06,413
We don't have to buy.
71
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,921
We can stay for free
and all we have to do
72
00:03:09,089 --> 00:03:11,080
is listen to a 20-minute
information session.
73
00:03:11,291 --> 00:03:12,122
Perfect.
74
00:03:12,292 --> 00:03:15,262
We can save our money for
hookers and bribing Federates.
75
00:03:15,462 --> 00:03:18,295
Dad, we have good relations
with Mexico right now,
76
00:03:18,398 --> 00:03:20,093
I'm not going to let you
jeopardize that.
77
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,634
Especially when you
should be doing
78
00:03:21,768 --> 00:03:22,894
something useful
with that money.
79
00:03:23,003 --> 00:03:24,947
Don't worry, Hank.
I'll be with him.
80
00:03:24,971 --> 00:03:28,669
Bill, these timeshare people
will clean you out.
81
00:03:28,809 --> 00:03:30,800
Now, I'll okay making toast
in the alley,
82
00:03:30,944 --> 00:03:32,469
but you two
aren't going anywhere.
83
00:03:32,612 --> 00:03:33,841
You can't control your wife
84
00:03:33,980 --> 00:03:35,812
and she's only
half the man I am.
85
00:03:35,949 --> 00:03:38,145
Fatty,
pack your most colorful pants.
86
00:03:38,285 --> 00:03:39,810
We're going to Mexico.
87
00:03:39,953 --> 00:03:41,478
Whee!
88
00:03:43,356 --> 00:03:45,825
( Groans):
It's so hot.
89
00:03:45,959 --> 00:03:48,121
This corn is
practically cooking.
90
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:50,925
Now, Bobby, the more you
complain about the heat
91
00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:52,157
the hotter it feels.
92
00:03:52,299 --> 00:03:54,461
( Sighs ).
I'm worried about my dad.
93
00:03:54,601 --> 00:03:56,763
I'm gonna have to go down
to that timeshare with him,
94
00:03:56,870 --> 00:03:58,770
make sure he doesn't
do something crazy.
95
00:03:58,872 --> 00:04:00,840
Plus I'll be
baby-sitting Bill.
96
00:04:00,974 --> 00:04:03,909
His wages are still being
garnished by Columbia House.
97
00:04:04,010 --> 00:04:06,445
A time share is
the last thing he needs.
98
00:04:06,546 --> 00:04:07,775
You be careful, too, Hank.
99
00:04:07,881 --> 00:04:10,248
You're going down there
with a liver, two kidneys
100
00:04:10,350 --> 00:04:11,579
and no timeshare.
101
00:04:11,685 --> 00:04:13,779
I expect you
to come back the same way.
102
00:04:13,887 --> 00:04:15,286
Well, if an at-risk kid
103
00:04:15,388 --> 00:04:17,288
can't get me to order
Sports HHustrated,
104
00:04:17,390 --> 00:04:19,586
no one's gonna
sell me a timeshare.
105
00:04:20,660 --> 00:04:23,322
Oh, God, why won't
the sun go down?!
106
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:29,567
Dad berk, you drive slow, boy!
107
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:32,899
A Mexican speed limit is
still a speed limit, Dad.
108
00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:36,740
Hey, Fatty, I got a game
that'll help pass the time.
109
00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:38,274
Who do you think
is uglier,
110
00:04:38,478 --> 00:04:40,537
Hank's mother or Hank's wife?
111
00:04:42,949 --> 00:04:44,815
Here it comes, Bobby...
112
00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:45,995
( groans relief )
113
00:04:46,019 --> 00:04:47,316
( Groans relief )
114
00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:48,785
(gasps)
Hi, Peggy.
115
00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:50,448
You're sweating like a pig.
116
00:04:50,557 --> 00:04:52,787
Dale, if you block
my sprinkle turn
117
00:04:52,893 --> 00:04:54,486
I will take you down.
118
00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:55,959
That's for amateurs.
119
00:04:56,062 --> 00:04:58,326
I'm stalking the big gallon age.
120
00:05:06,339 --> 00:05:08,831
COTTON:
Hank's wife or C. Everett Coop?
121
00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:10,510
Take your time.
122
00:05:11,778 --> 00:05:13,610
Wow. This is pretty nice.
123
00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:15,646
Welcome,
welcome.
124
00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:17,783
Or as we say
in El Grande Vista--
125
00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:20,476
Bien-ven-i-do.
126
00:05:20,620 --> 00:05:22,918
Look, uh, Rich,
I just want to be honest
127
00:05:23,023 --> 00:05:24,286
so there are no hard feelings.
128
00:05:24,391 --> 00:05:26,485
We're not interested in buying.
129
00:05:26,626 --> 00:05:27,970
Especially Bill.
130
00:05:27,994 --> 00:05:29,587
I appreciate that.
131
00:05:29,696 --> 00:05:30,788
But it's my job to make sure
132
00:05:30,897 --> 00:05:32,797
everyone hears
our dumb little shpeil.
133
00:05:32,899 --> 00:05:34,128
After that,
134
00:05:34,301 --> 00:05:37,236
we can start your free
world-class vacation.
135
00:05:39,606 --> 00:05:43,600
( Sighs ). Do they make
swim diapers in my size?
136
00:05:43,810 --> 00:05:46,108
Because I don't ever
want to get out.
137
00:05:46,313 --> 00:05:50,045
Look, Peggy, I can do
a one-handed hand stand.
138
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:57,088
See?
( car door closes )
139
00:06:00,727 --> 00:06:03,287
This house is in truly
move-in condition.
140
00:06:11,471 --> 00:06:13,997
They're gonna take
our pool away.
141
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:16,335
I can't go back to the lawn.
142
00:06:16,476 --> 00:06:19,002
You, find us
another pool.
143
00:06:21,581 --> 00:06:23,606
This is O'Kelly.
144
00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:25,685
Our Founder.
145
00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:26,843
Wow.
146
00:06:28,488 --> 00:06:30,786
O'Kelly has
incredible gifts.
147
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:31,858
We're lucky he used them
148
00:06:31,992 --> 00:06:33,858
to build the world's
finest timeshares.
149
00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:35,793
BILL:
It's strange.
150
00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:38,226
I fear him, but I am not afraid.
151
00:06:44,004 --> 00:06:45,130
All right, I got three up.
Wendy?
152
00:06:45,272 --> 00:06:48,572
( Sighs ). I know, I've
got the bald, fat guy
153
00:06:48,675 --> 00:06:49,904
who's going
to look down my shirt.
154
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:51,671
Mitch, you
take grandpa.
155
00:06:51,811 --> 00:06:54,143
And then there's
Mr. Consumer Reports.
156
00:06:56,316 --> 00:06:57,442
Leave it to me.
157
00:07:03,056 --> 00:07:05,081
I just hope I'm good enough.
158
00:07:08,895 --> 00:07:10,192
You seem like the kind of man
159
00:07:10,330 --> 00:07:11,957
who'd really enjoy
O'Kelly's company.
160
00:07:12,065 --> 00:07:13,794
He's an adventurer, explorer--
161
00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:14,833
Yeah, yeah,
162
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:17,801
smells like strawberries,
pees ginger beer.
163
00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:18,996
Don't care.
164
00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:22,905
I know how you feel, Mr. Hill.
Afraid to take a chance.
165
00:07:23,009 --> 00:07:25,478
If you're like me,
your wife would tan your hide
166
00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:26,807
if you thought for yourself.
167
00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:28,506
Yep, that's why
I'm not buying.
168
00:07:28,648 --> 00:07:30,275
I'm a big 'fraidy cat.
169
00:07:30,383 --> 00:07:31,646
I'm barely even a man.
170
00:07:31,818 --> 00:07:34,253
My wife chases me around
with a rolling pin.
171
00:07:34,354 --> 00:07:36,015
It's got nothing to do
with timeshares
172
00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:38,818
being one of the worst
investments there is.
173
00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:41,428
Bill, an attractive
man like yourself...
174
00:07:41,528 --> 00:07:42,620
I'll buy!
175
00:07:42,996 --> 00:07:45,795
Congratulations.
I think you'll find...
176
00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:48,593
Oh, it seems this card
has been denied.
177
00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:50,201
I-I got other cards.
178
00:07:50,737 --> 00:07:52,603
Do you take Blockbuster?
179
00:07:53,273 --> 00:07:55,765
Oh, wait!
I forgot about this baby.
180
00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:57,705
It has no credit limit.
181
00:07:58,845 --> 00:07:59,937
I hear you, Hank.
182
00:08:00,046 --> 00:08:01,571
But let me ask you this...
183
00:08:01,681 --> 00:08:04,742
how much do you spend
on an average vacation?
184
00:08:04,851 --> 00:08:06,580
Bill, no!
185
00:08:11,224 --> 00:08:12,953
I'm holding onto this
186
00:08:13,059 --> 00:08:14,788
and I'm not letting you
out of my sight.
187
00:08:14,894 --> 00:08:17,591
No one is buying a timeshare.
188
00:08:17,764 --> 00:08:20,529
MAN: Congratulations on
your new timeshare, Colonel.
189
00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:21,997
I'm in!
190
00:08:24,471 --> 00:08:27,650
I
I
191
00:08:27,674 --> 00:08:28,072
I
I
192
00:08:30,610 --> 00:08:32,442
O'Kelly sounds
like he's got
193
00:08:32,645 --> 00:08:35,114
the smarts of Topsy,
the gumption of Brooklyn,
194
00:08:35,281 --> 00:08:36,874
and the moxie
of Fat Brooklyn.
195
00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:38,814
He's like all
my old dead friends
196
00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:41,078
rolled into one
big, live friend.
197
00:08:41,254 --> 00:08:42,779
- Yes.
- To Brooklyn.
198
00:08:42,989 --> 00:08:43,785
Absolutely.
199
00:08:43,990 --> 00:08:45,480
Look, I don't
know anything
200
00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:47,160
about this O'Kelly guy,
201
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,954
but you were in a sales-
pressure-induced daze
202
00:08:50,163 --> 00:08:51,153
and they made
you sign something
203
00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:52,422
you didn't understand.
204
00:08:52,799 --> 00:08:53,925
We'll get
you out of this.
205
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:54,828
I don't want out.
206
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,059
Damn it, boy, quit acting
207
00:08:56,269 --> 00:08:57,703
like a doorjamb
and get on board.
208
00:08:57,904 --> 00:09:00,066
Maybe you should think
about it, Colonel Hill.
209
00:09:00,273 --> 00:09:02,173
Our policy here is, if you
decide you don't want
210
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:05,037
to live life to the fullest,
you got 12 hours to back out.
211
00:09:05,245 --> 00:09:06,371
In the meantime,
why don't you enjoy
212
00:09:06,579 --> 00:09:08,240
a bite at one of our
world-class restaurants?
213
00:09:08,448 --> 00:09:09,745
Here are some
owners' coupons
214
00:09:09,949 --> 00:09:10,780
for 10% off.
215
00:09:10,984 --> 00:09:12,076
You see that, boy?
216
00:09:12,285 --> 00:09:14,379
What do you get with
your precious AAA card?
217
00:09:14,587 --> 00:09:16,612
They don't even
take those here.
218
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:28,434
Isn't it beautiful?
219
00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:32,034
( Barking )
220
00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:35,731
( Shrieking )
221
00:09:37,877 --> 00:09:41,006
Last time I was here,
they were puppies.
222
00:09:41,214 --> 00:09:43,410
Now, which one
of you is Scamp?
223
00:09:46,152 --> 00:09:48,120
That hair dryer, mine.
224
00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:51,291
Copy of Leisure
Properties Monthly-- mine.
225
00:09:51,491 --> 00:09:53,186
Looky here, they got the water
226
00:09:53,393 --> 00:09:56,055
that don't give you
the hot poops. Swanky.
227
00:09:56,262 --> 00:09:57,889
Look, I admit,
its a great room,
228
00:09:58,098 --> 00:09:59,691
but I saw an ad
that anyone
229
00:09:59,899 --> 00:10:02,891
can rent the same O'Kelly
suite for $35 a night.
230
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:05,197
You're paying
three times that.
231
00:10:06,973 --> 00:10:08,065
Come here, Hank.
232
00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:11,767
Do you know what's out there?
233
00:10:11,978 --> 00:10:14,538
O'Kelly's private yacht,
manned 24 hours a day
234
00:10:14,747 --> 00:10:17,273
by the creme de la cr�me
of the Mexican navy.
235
00:10:17,484 --> 00:10:20,476
Got a private chef used
to work for Cantinflas.
236
00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:22,188
HANK:
I don't see anything.
237
00:10:22,388 --> 00:10:24,857
That's 'cause you're looking
with renter's eyes.
238
00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:26,548
I think I see it.
239
00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:30,058
You get in good with O'Kelly,
you get on that yacht.
240
00:10:30,263 --> 00:10:31,560
That's the kind
of lifestyle
241
00:10:31,764 --> 00:10:34,096
you buy into here
at El Grande Vista.
242
00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:35,893
But you're not
really buying.
243
00:10:36,102 --> 00:10:37,934
It says in their
own brochure�
244
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:40,766
Americans can not
own land in Mexico.
245
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:42,032
If I don't
own anything,
246
00:10:42,242 --> 00:10:44,006
why am I paying
all these maintenance fees
247
00:10:44,210 --> 00:10:45,006
and property taxes?
248
00:10:45,211 --> 00:10:46,269
Good point.
249
00:10:46,913 --> 00:10:49,405
You've still got ten
hours to get out, Dad.
250
00:10:49,616 --> 00:10:51,243
I ain't getting out
of anything.
251
00:10:51,417 --> 00:10:52,407
I like it here.
252
00:10:52,619 --> 00:10:55,611
Fatty, let's go
to the owner's pool.
253
00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:05,058
Just pour it
in the snorkel.
254
00:11:05,265 --> 00:11:06,630
FPour it...
255
00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:11,928
Colonel, you're
a world traveler,
256
00:11:12,138 --> 00:11:13,162
so I'm sure
you appreciate
257
00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:15,705
the international details
O'Kelly insists on:
258
00:11:15,909 --> 00:11:18,241
Italianate marble,
Mexican cacti.
259
00:11:18,444 --> 00:11:21,345
We're proud of saying "It's
the casa with class-a."
260
00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:22,743
Yeah, becoming an owner
261
00:11:22,949 --> 00:11:25,316
was the best thing I did
with the money I inherited.
262
00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:27,748
I should have brought
Topsy's ashes down here
263
00:11:27,954 --> 00:11:29,217
and spread them over a sefiorita.
264
00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:30,389
{( laughing )
265
00:11:30,590 --> 00:11:32,388
All right, all right.
266
00:11:32,592 --> 00:11:36,051
Rich, you're
all right, all right,
267
00:11:36,262 --> 00:11:37,923
but you know
what I don't get?
268
00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:39,599
Hank was saying
if you buy
269
00:11:39,799 --> 00:11:42,666
a timeshare in Mexico,
you can't even own it
270
00:11:42,869 --> 00:11:44,394
'cause you're a foreigner.
271
00:11:44,604 --> 00:11:47,039
How can you buy
something that you can't own?
272
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:48,799
Why, that's true.
273
00:11:49,008 --> 00:11:51,773
My son is a jackass
and a killjoy,
274
00:11:51,978 --> 00:11:53,605
but that is a puzzler.
275
00:11:53,813 --> 00:11:54,746
Bill, why don't
you get us
276
00:11:54,948 --> 00:11:55,847
some chips and salsa?
277
00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:57,608
Can do.
278
00:11:58,918 --> 00:12:00,545
So level with me, Rich.
279
00:12:00,753 --> 00:12:01,948
Is it true?
280
00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:04,214
'Cause I only got six
hours to make up my mind.
281
00:12:04,424 --> 00:12:06,449
Colonel, I wasn't supposed
to tell you this,
282
00:12:06,659 --> 00:12:07,956
because you're
not an owner yet,
283
00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:10,858
but you've already
been hand-picked by O'Kelly
284
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:12,793
to join his
El Presidente Circle.
285
00:12:12,999 --> 00:12:14,865
It's an elite
group of owners.
286
00:12:15,034 --> 00:12:16,263
Very exclusive.
287
00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:19,404
You'd have a condo
on El Presidente Island.
288
00:12:19,606 --> 00:12:22,837
Use of O'Kelly's helicopter,
humidor privileges,
289
00:12:23,042 --> 00:12:24,271
Oh...
290
00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:25,774
You'll
receive your own
291
00:12:25,979 --> 00:12:28,038
El Presidente
Medal of Achievement.
292
00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:30,444
It all happens aboard
O'Kelly's yacht
293
00:12:30,650 --> 00:12:33,620
tomorrow night,
assuming you decide to stay.
294
00:12:33,820 --> 00:12:35,083
Hand-picked, eh?
295
00:12:35,288 --> 00:12:38,087
Yeah, I could
chew that over.
296
00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:40,089
Uh... Your friend.
297
00:12:40,293 --> 00:12:41,783
I don't know how to put this.
298
00:12:41,995 --> 00:12:43,793
O'Kelly's yacht may be big,
299
00:12:43,997 --> 00:12:46,864
but there's not always
room on it for everyone.
300
00:12:47,066 --> 00:12:47,396
Fatty!
301
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:48,396
Sir, yes, sir!
302
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:50,365
I'm done with you.
Get packin'.
303
00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:51,537
- Yeah, but...
- Sir,
304
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:53,205
please swim to
the shallow end.
305
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:57,941
Dad! Dad!
306
00:12:59,312 --> 00:13:00,939
Sir, please stop that.
307
00:13:13,059 --> 00:13:15,084
Playing mariachi music)
308
00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:17,024
( Sobbing )
309
00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:19,355
Bill?
310
00:13:19,565 --> 00:13:21,556
Your dad doesn't
need me anymore.
311
00:13:21,734 --> 00:13:24,760
He dumped me for O'Kelly.
312
00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:27,030
Bill, I've only got
a couple of hours
313
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:28,901
to get my dad
out of this deal,
314
00:13:29,108 --> 00:13:30,269
and I can't do it alone.
315
00:13:30,476 --> 00:13:31,739
I need you.
316
00:13:36,449 --> 00:13:39,612
( Playing festive music )
317
00:13:42,989 --> 00:13:45,458
RICH: Colonel, tiene
una cabeza muy grande.
318
00:13:48,461 --> 00:13:49,451
Hurry up, Bill.
319
00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:51,687
They're measuring
my dad for a sombrero.
320
00:13:51,898 --> 00:13:53,957
I'm almost through,
I'm almost through.
321
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:55,362
I'm... Ow!
322
00:13:55,568 --> 00:13:56,933
There's the fence.
323
00:13:57,136 --> 00:13:59,764
Dang it, we'll never
get to him in time.
324
00:13:59,972 --> 00:14:00,939
He's gonna lose every penny.
325
00:14:01,140 --> 00:14:02,767
Maybe we should
just give up
326
00:14:02,975 --> 00:14:04,374
and let him
enjoy himself.
327
00:14:04,577 --> 00:14:07,012
I mean, a month ago he
didn't even have that money.
328
00:14:07,213 --> 00:14:08,271
No, this is important.
329
00:14:08,481 --> 00:14:10,245
I can't let him
get ripped off.
330
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:13,209
Beautiful, Colonel.
331
00:14:13,419 --> 00:14:14,944
Very authentic.
332
00:14:15,154 --> 00:14:16,588
I came down here
to protect my dad
333
00:14:16,789 --> 00:14:18,848
and damn it, that's
what I'm going to do.
334
00:14:19,058 --> 00:14:20,219
We've gotta get to Rich.
335
00:14:20,426 --> 00:14:22,758
BILL: Just look out for
those guys in the feathers.
336
00:14:22,962 --> 00:14:24,088
They worked me
over pretty good
337
00:14:24,297 --> 00:14:26,026
after they kicked
me out of the pool.
338
00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:30,024
Leave this to me.
339
00:14:30,236 --> 00:14:32,034
I'll distract them.
340
00:14:42,148 --> 00:14:47,279
I am going to go and eat
some of O'Kelly's penguins!
341
00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:51,720
( Sighs)
342
00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:55,460
Americans
cannot own land in Mexico!
343
00:14:55,661 --> 00:14:58,528
Americans cannot
own land in Mexico.
344
00:15:11,477 --> 00:15:12,911
Okay, you little weasel,
345
00:15:13,112 --> 00:15:15,945
I'm not letting you steal
any more of my Dad's money.
346
00:15:16,149 --> 00:15:18,481
Steal? Hank,
your dad is an adult.
347
00:15:18,684 --> 00:15:19,913
He has a right
to spend his own money
348
00:15:20,119 --> 00:15:22,053
and this is how
he wants to spend it.
349
00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:24,019
And I should tell you,
with your father
350
00:15:24,223 --> 00:15:25,952
a member of El Presidente,
I think O'Kelly
351
00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:28,355
would look very favorably
on your application.
352
00:15:28,561 --> 00:15:30,290
But he doesn't even
have anything.
353
00:15:30,496 --> 00:15:34,057
He lives in an apartment and
only gets $300 a month pension.
354
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:35,928
He can't even afford
real Cheerios.
355
00:15:36,135 --> 00:15:37,694
He eats something
called Oat Loops.
356
00:15:37,904 --> 00:15:39,030
It's made right around here.
357
00:15:39,238 --> 00:15:40,763
What? But then...
358
00:15:40,973 --> 00:15:42,941
how can we raise
his monthly ownership dues?
359
00:15:43,142 --> 00:15:44,837
And if he's not
a homeowner, then...
360
00:15:45,044 --> 00:15:46,512
what are we going
to foreclose on?
361
00:15:47,079 --> 00:15:50,208
Fine. You want your dad
out of this? He's out.
362
00:16:03,763 --> 00:16:05,356
Dad?
You there?
363
00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:07,624
I've got something
to talk about with you.
364
00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:13,005
Which cufflinks do you think
O'Kelly would like more?
365
00:16:13,206 --> 00:16:14,765
The ones that look like bosoms?
366
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,499
Or the ones that
look like guns?
367
00:16:16,709 --> 00:16:17,938
Why're you all dressed up?
368
00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:21,205
You only become EI
Presidente once, boy.
369
00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:22,973
I want to look sharp
tomorrow night
370
00:16:23,182 --> 00:16:24,616
when I board
O'Kelly's yacht
371
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:27,548
and the great man
himself hands me
372
00:16:27,753 --> 00:16:30,415
my El Presidente Medal
of Achievement.
373
00:16:30,623 --> 00:16:33,649
Uh... that's why
I came by. I, uh...
374
00:16:33,893 --> 00:16:34,951
I gotta admit, Hank.
375
00:16:35,161 --> 00:16:36,560
Since all my
buddies kicked off,
376
00:16:36,762 --> 00:16:38,059
things just
ain't felt right,
377
00:16:38,264 --> 00:16:40,028
but now I gots me
378
00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:41,928
some place where I belong.
379
00:16:42,101 --> 00:16:44,695
Uh, yeah. We need
to talk about that.
380
00:16:44,904 --> 00:16:46,394
Nothing to
talk about.
381
00:16:46,606 --> 00:16:48,506
I was born. I lived.
382
00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:51,040
Then I got to be
El Presidente
383
00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:54,043
and that made it all worthwhile.
384
00:16:57,216 --> 00:16:58,260
I
I
385
00:16:58,284 --> 00:16:59,274
I
I
386
00:17:01,821 --> 00:17:05,849
( sighs ). I tried to help my dad
and I've made everything worse.
387
00:17:06,058 --> 00:17:09,688
Meeting O'Kelly has become
his whole reason for living.
388
00:17:09,896 --> 00:17:11,421
I got hit
in the head, Hank.
389
00:17:11,631 --> 00:17:13,224
I can't hear too well.
390
00:17:14,166 --> 00:17:16,157
Is this butter
or water?
391
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:17,894
May I have your coupons, please?
392
00:17:18,104 --> 00:17:20,664
Uh, we don't have
any coupons.
393
00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:22,534
Then... what are you doing here?
394
00:17:23,075 --> 00:17:25,635
Tapado, no van a creer
lo que he visto!
395
00:17:25,878 --> 00:17:27,573
He's going
to be devastated
396
00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:29,805
when he can't get on
that damn yacht.
397
00:17:32,018 --> 00:17:34,009
I'm not gonna let this happen.
398
00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:35,381
I'm going to the one place
399
00:17:35,588 --> 00:17:37,454
that can get something done
about it.
400
00:17:40,459 --> 00:17:42,359
Mr. Hill, I've had a lot of
complaints about timeshares,
401
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:44,291
but they're pretty tough
contracts to get out of.
402
00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:47,091
No, I already got him out
of his contract.
403
00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:48,699
The problem is my dad wants
404
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,926
to be an El Presidente-
level member.
405
00:17:51,137 --> 00:17:54,402
Oh. And they won't let him in
because he's...
406
00:17:54,607 --> 00:17:55,665
Why won't they let him in?
407
00:17:55,875 --> 00:17:58,344
Because you can't be
an El Presidente member
408
00:17:58,544 --> 00:18:00,069
unless you buy a timeshare.
409
00:18:00,279 --> 00:18:01,405
So you want me
410
00:18:01,614 --> 00:18:03,343
to get your father into
El Presidente for free?
411
00:18:03,549 --> 00:18:04,914
Yeah, that would be great.
412
00:18:05,685 --> 00:18:06,652
I got it!
413
00:18:06,852 --> 00:18:08,217
Why don't we slap an embargo
414
00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:09,013
on all of Mexico
415
00:18:09,221 --> 00:18:10,450
till Rich lets him in?
416
00:18:10,656 --> 00:18:12,522
You know, starve 'em out.
417
00:18:13,326 --> 00:18:14,623
I'm kidding, Mr. Hill.
418
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:20,229
PEGGY:
Well, hello there.
419
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:22,834
We are your new
next door neighbors.
420
00:18:23,002 --> 00:18:24,436
You're gonna love us!
421
00:18:24,637 --> 00:18:26,264
What happened
to the Petersons?
422
00:18:26,472 --> 00:18:27,564
Unclear.
423
00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:30,174
So, what do you say,
how about a swim, neighbor?
424
00:18:32,078 --> 00:18:33,273
Neighbor?
425
00:18:34,146 --> 00:18:35,113
Neighbor?!
426
00:18:35,748 --> 00:18:36,977
Neighbor!
427
00:18:43,889 --> 00:18:46,381
What do you mean,
I ain't on the list?
428
00:18:46,592 --> 00:18:47,718
I'm sorry, Colonel.
429
00:18:47,927 --> 00:18:49,588
This is very awkward.
430
00:18:49,795 --> 00:18:52,787
Awkward? Awkward is me
slicing your belly open!
431
00:18:52,999 --> 00:18:54,296
Now, let me on that yacht!
432
00:18:54,500 --> 00:18:58,562
But I was hand-picked
by O'Kelly.
433
00:18:58,771 --> 00:19:00,068
Oh.
434
00:19:01,374 --> 00:19:03,536
You just can't beat
these guys, Hank.
435
00:19:03,743 --> 00:19:05,677
Yeah, well, I gotta
find some way
436
00:19:05,878 --> 00:19:06,970
to get inside there.
437
00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:10,513
( Sighs)
438
00:19:12,785 --> 00:19:16,278
I'm off to urinate
on the statue of O'Kelly!
439
00:19:17,089 --> 00:19:18,921
(wild yell)
440
00:19:28,401 --> 00:19:29,368
Don't touch...!
441
00:19:29,568 --> 00:19:30,763
( Muffled yelling )
442
00:19:33,272 --> 00:19:34,205
Look, Rich,
443
00:19:34,407 --> 00:19:36,068
I know I asked you
to let my dad
444
00:19:36,275 --> 00:19:37,367
out of that timeshare,
445
00:19:37,576 --> 00:19:40,011
but I didn't realize
how much El Presidente
446
00:19:40,212 --> 00:19:41,338
meant to him.
447
00:19:41,547 --> 00:19:42,912
Can you just let him
back in
448
00:19:43,115 --> 00:19:44,708
so he can get on
that boat tonight?
449
00:19:44,917 --> 00:19:46,351
I'd love to, Hank,
but I don't know.
450
00:19:46,585 --> 00:19:48,383
There's a lot of
paperwork to do,
451
00:19:48,587 --> 00:19:51,454
not to mention some pretty
steep express- processing fees.
452
00:19:53,726 --> 00:19:56,752
But maybe there is way
we could overlook all that.
453
00:19:56,962 --> 00:19:57,520
Yeah?
454
00:19:57,730 --> 00:19:58,891
If Cotton recommended
455
00:19:59,098 --> 00:20:00,088
someone who bought,
456
00:20:00,299 --> 00:20:01,960
say, a week at
El Grande Vista,
457
00:20:02,168 --> 00:20:04,227
maybe O'Kelly
would reconsider him.
458
00:20:04,437 --> 00:20:06,906
Oh, God. Oh, no.
459
00:20:07,106 --> 00:20:08,403
Hank, how much
do you spend
460
00:20:08,607 --> 00:20:09,733
on a typical vacation?
461
00:20:09,942 --> 00:20:11,205
( Sighs deeply )
462
00:20:11,410 --> 00:20:13,401
JIMMY: I can't thank
you enough, Mr. Hill.
463
00:20:13,612 --> 00:20:15,341
I was about
to lose my job.
464
00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:16,413
And my wife...
465
00:20:16,615 --> 00:20:17,548
Save it, Jim.
He's in the bag.
466
00:20:17,750 --> 00:20:19,514
Great. Sign here,
here, and here.
467
00:20:27,460 --> 00:20:28,359
Yep.
468
00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:29,426
Yep.
469
00:20:29,628 --> 00:20:31,062
Men laughing)
470
00:20:32,965 --> 00:20:35,525
Hey, Dad.
80, how was El Presidente?
471
00:20:35,701 --> 00:20:37,669
Did you get to meet O'Kelly?
472
00:20:37,870 --> 00:20:41,568
I wish I could tell you, boy,
but code of the El Presidente.
473
00:20:41,774 --> 00:20:44,368
What happens on that yacht
stays on that yacht.
474
00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:45,339
Hey, Rich told me
475
00:20:45,544 --> 00:20:47,569
you were gonna buy
a week here at the Vista!
476
00:20:47,780 --> 00:20:50,010
Hell, that's great news!
477
00:20:50,216 --> 00:20:51,206
That's right, Dad.
478
00:20:51,417 --> 00:20:53,385
Well, I'll leave
you two owners.
479
00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:56,783
Please accept these coupons
for soup and half a sandwich.
480
00:20:58,758 --> 00:21:01,250
Look how beautiful it is, boy.
481
00:21:01,460 --> 00:21:03,053
I told you I knew
how to spend that money.
482
00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:06,232
Hell, Topsy couldn't have spent
it better himself.
483
00:21:06,432 --> 00:21:08,093
You're right
about that, Dad.
484
00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:10,735
This was a great investment,
I tell you what.
485
00:21:10,936 --> 00:21:12,870
BILL:
But, Hank, I thought you said
486
00:21:13,072 --> 00:21:15,404
Americans can't own land
in Mexico... ( pained grunt )
487
00:21:15,608 --> 00:21:17,133
HANK:
A great investment.
488
00:21:28,454 --> 00:21:29,944
I
I
489
00:21:51,010 --> 00:21:53,377
Margareetees and senoreetees!
490
00:22:00,753 --> 00:22:03,753
I
I
491
00:22:03,803 --> 00:22:08,353
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