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1
00:00:09,259 --> 00:00:11,548
- August Ripley.
- Rochelle Decker.
2
00:00:11,595 --> 00:00:13,355
- I get these things.
3
00:00:13,387 --> 00:00:15,137
I can’t hear them
anymore, I can’t see them.
4
00:00:15,182 --> 00:00:16,771
But I know them.
5
00:00:16,807 --> 00:00:18,597
- You know, I always
liked you, Zooey.
6
00:00:18,643 --> 00:00:19,943
She’s one of us.
7
00:00:19,978 --> 00:00:22,647
- One of us. One of us.
8
00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:25,278
- I heard about the
day you left the church.
9
00:00:25,317 --> 00:00:28,027
- The organization
wasn’t meeting my needs.
10
00:00:28,070 --> 00:00:29,949
Dear Luke, please consider this
11
00:00:29,987 --> 00:00:31,777
my resignation from
the Roman Agency.
12
00:00:31,823 --> 00:00:33,453
Effective immediately.
13
00:00:33,491 --> 00:00:35,042
Susan Ireland.
14
00:01:03,354 --> 00:01:05,364
- Hasan!
15
00:01:44,896 --> 00:01:46,686
Mina, Tarik,
16
00:01:46,731 --> 00:01:49,611
I can’t give you a
guaranteed sale date or price.
17
00:01:49,651 --> 00:01:53,401
Nobody can. The market
is a living, breathing thing.
18
00:01:53,989 --> 00:01:56,134
- So, what was that number
you gave us five minutes ago?
19
00:01:56,158 --> 00:01:58,367
- That is a listing price
that I think will put us
20
00:01:58,409 --> 00:02:00,700
in a very positive
position. I suspect we’ll get
21
00:02:00,745 --> 00:02:03,706
several offers above that,
but, well, wait and see.
22
00:02:03,748 --> 00:02:05,289
So,
23
00:02:05,334 --> 00:02:07,793
is there anything else
that I need to know?
24
00:02:08,794 --> 00:02:10,955
- Mmm. No.
- Mmm. No. Nothing. No.
25
00:02:11,006 --> 00:02:12,525
- No, I-I-I don’t...
- Sounds great.
26
00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:14,468
- I don’t think so, no.
27
00:02:15,384 --> 00:02:17,545
- These older
houses often have, uh,
28
00:02:17,596 --> 00:02:19,425
features and quirks
that could impact
29
00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:22,143
the potential sales
price and days on market.
30
00:02:22,683 --> 00:02:24,394
Now, if this is the case,
31
00:02:24,436 --> 00:02:26,146
we are very good at
managing these things,
32
00:02:26,187 --> 00:02:28,358
but now is the time to tell us.
33
00:02:28,397 --> 00:02:30,858
- Did you tell him about
the antichrist next door?
34
00:02:30,901 --> 00:02:33,031
- Daria.
- He needs to know.
35
00:02:34,487 --> 00:02:36,158
- The Masseys.
36
00:02:36,198 --> 00:02:37,737
- Our neighbors from hell.
37
00:02:38,741 --> 00:02:40,741
- Unreasonable
neighbors aren’t that...
38
00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:45,537
unusual.
39
00:02:45,581 --> 00:02:47,042
- Unreasonable?
40
00:02:47,084 --> 00:02:49,093
They’ve been a problem
since we moved in.
41
00:02:49,127 --> 00:02:50,627
- We’ve tried to
be good neighbors.
42
00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:52,211
Ask anyone else on the block.
43
00:02:52,254 --> 00:02:54,965
- But with the Masseys?
- If they find out we’re selling,
44
00:02:55,550 --> 00:02:57,090
they’ll try to sabotage us.
45
00:02:57,134 --> 00:03:00,254
- Badmouth us.
Scare away the buyers.
46
00:03:00,305 --> 00:03:02,844
- Who wants to live next
to murderous psychopaths?
47
00:03:02,890 --> 00:03:04,576
- We generally try and
keep those bullet points
48
00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:06,350
out of the marketing materials.
49
00:03:07,062 --> 00:03:08,611
- What can we do?
50
00:03:08,646 --> 00:03:10,896
- Well, generally, I like
to head off the problem
51
00:03:10,941 --> 00:03:13,031
by reaching out
first; create goodwill.
52
00:03:13,068 --> 00:03:15,487
- Goodwill? Good luck.
53
00:03:15,528 --> 00:03:18,618
- You’d be surprised what a
properly deployed muffin basket
54
00:03:18,657 --> 00:03:20,826
can achieve. Now,
are you done with this?
55
00:03:29,793 --> 00:03:31,342
Nice landscaping.
56
00:03:31,377 --> 00:03:33,377
Least they keep the property up.
57
00:03:33,421 --> 00:03:35,841
- That’s what they always
say about axe murderers:
58
00:03:36,591 --> 00:03:38,381
"Gee, what a surprise.
59
00:03:38,426 --> 00:03:41,176
They took such good
care of their yard."
60
00:03:42,597 --> 00:03:44,137
- Hm.
61
00:03:55,444 --> 00:03:57,114
- Hey!
62
00:03:57,945 --> 00:03:59,485
- Nice greenery.
63
00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:01,070
- Aren’t they?
64
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:08,156
- So, should be an
easy one. A normie.
65
00:04:08,205 --> 00:04:10,786
- Hm. Just like Susan suggested.
66
00:04:13,627 --> 00:04:15,548
- We’ve always
welcomed every client,
67
00:04:15,588 --> 00:04:17,918
regardless of their degree
of metaphysical engagement,
68
00:04:17,966 --> 00:04:19,875
so the Hasans should
be pretty simple.
69
00:04:19,925 --> 00:04:21,675
Open, show, closing.
70
00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:24,759
But their neighbors have
got them really spooked.
71
00:04:24,805 --> 00:04:26,846
- Perhaps it’s
just bad chemistry.
72
00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:31,024
- Maybe, but, Phil, when you
do the HCP at the Hasan house...
73
00:04:31,062 --> 00:04:33,192
- I’ll check the
Massey place, too.
74
00:04:33,230 --> 00:04:35,281
- Maybe they’re just too alike?
75
00:04:35,317 --> 00:04:37,896
I mean, suburbia rots
everyone’s brain sooner or later.
76
00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:39,629
- The Hasans have
lived there for eight years.
77
00:04:39,653 --> 00:04:42,163
They never had problems
with anyone else, or so they say.
78
00:04:42,199 --> 00:04:44,408
August, I want you in
there sooner than later.
79
00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:46,740
Hasans don’t seem like the
type to make this up, but...
80
00:04:46,786 --> 00:04:50,156
- There was a fascinating
study done on Norwegian rats
81
00:04:50,206 --> 00:04:51,747
living in close proximity...
82
00:04:52,667 --> 00:04:54,917
- Tarik? We were
just talking about you.
83
00:04:58,632 --> 00:05:00,432
What?
84
00:05:02,593 --> 00:05:04,353
- Okay...
85
00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:06,257
you’re gonna have
to believe us now.
86
00:05:06,305 --> 00:05:08,425
- I can’t believe a
normal person would...
87
00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:10,894
- Go all Ozzy Osbourne and
then drop it on our doorstep?
88
00:05:11,644 --> 00:05:13,814
I told you, these
people are sick.
89
00:05:15,439 --> 00:05:17,360
- I can’t take this anymore.
90
00:05:18,108 --> 00:05:20,149
You don’t have to.
91
00:05:21,071 --> 00:05:23,031
- Tarik, this
really isn’t the time
92
00:05:23,072 --> 00:05:24,913
to get into an altercation
with these people.
93
00:05:28,286 --> 00:05:29,826
Massey!
94
00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:34,495
Massey, you
cowardly pile of puke!
95
00:05:34,543 --> 00:05:36,632
Come out and face me! Massey!
96
00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:38,920
And don’t just send out
your freakishly tall wife
97
00:05:38,963 --> 00:05:41,384
to fight your battles!
I want a piece of you!
98
00:05:41,423 --> 00:05:43,683
Man, dial it down a little.
99
00:05:43,718 --> 00:05:45,548
- What’d you say about my wife?
100
00:05:45,595 --> 00:05:47,134
- I don’t think that
he meant anything.
101
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:49,269
- She’s tall! Freakishly tall!
102
00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:50,887
Abnormally tall!
103
00:05:50,933 --> 00:05:53,233
- You take that back.
- Or what?
104
00:05:53,269 --> 00:05:55,149
You gonna unleash
Slenderwoman on me?
105
00:05:55,187 --> 00:05:56,790
- I’m gonna do some
unleashing, all right.
106
00:05:56,814 --> 00:05:58,944
What kind of a sicko
107
00:05:58,983 --> 00:06:01,444
rips the head off a bird and
puts it on someone’s porch?
108
00:06:01,485 --> 00:06:02,879
- The kind of sicko
who’s tired of getting
109
00:06:02,903 --> 00:06:04,454
a midnight suntan, that’s who!
110
00:06:04,488 --> 00:06:07,738
- My porch light, my rules!
- Tariq, put down the rock.
111
00:06:07,783 --> 00:06:09,913
- My dog! Your
ass! How about that?
112
00:06:09,952 --> 00:06:13,083
- Mr. Massey, put down the dog.
- Whoa-ho-ho.
113
00:06:13,122 --> 00:06:16,502
And a shadow covers the land
as the 50-foot woman attacks.
114
00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:18,593
- Eat a heaping
bowl of shit, Hasan!
115
00:06:18,627 --> 00:06:20,798
- You bird dismemberer!
116
00:06:20,838 --> 00:06:23,088
- You’re insane!
- You’re a sociopath!
117
00:06:23,132 --> 00:06:26,012
- You’re neighbors!
- Come get your bird, Massey.
118
00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:28,552
- Okay. Go get ’em, Buttercup!
119
00:06:28,596 --> 00:06:30,137
- Go on!
- No!
120
00:06:40,942 --> 00:06:42,692
- Hope he saved me a drumstick.
121
00:06:42,735 --> 00:06:44,276
- Hm.
122
00:06:46,781 --> 00:06:49,201
The irony is I’m only five-nine.
123
00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:50,872
In heels.
124
00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:53,000
- You always had
this kind of, um...
125
00:06:53,038 --> 00:06:55,038
tension between you?
126
00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:57,170
- Tension? They made our lives
127
00:06:57,207 --> 00:06:58,838
a living hell ever
since we moved in.
128
00:06:58,877 --> 00:07:01,377
- Thought you were here first?
- Oh!
129
00:07:01,420 --> 00:07:03,971
- Look. Look at
the things they do.
130
00:07:10,805 --> 00:07:12,634
- It’s a little hard
to make out.
131
00:07:12,682 --> 00:07:14,851
- Yeah, that’s because
of their goddam porchlight.
132
00:07:14,893 --> 00:07:17,483
Thing’s gotta be like
a 100 jillion lumens.
133
00:07:17,519 --> 00:07:19,399
It shines right into
our bedroom all night.
134
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,358
- Well, did you talk
to them about it?
135
00:07:21,399 --> 00:07:24,569
- Yeah. They suggested
something involving a place
136
00:07:24,610 --> 00:07:27,281
where the sun doesn’t
shine. It was hurtful.
137
00:07:27,322 --> 00:07:28,951
- Yeah, that’s not
even the worst of it.
138
00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:30,529
Here, look at this.
139
00:07:31,826 --> 00:07:33,365
- Does that say...?
- Yeah!
140
00:07:33,411 --> 00:07:35,081
- The ’f word’.
- Son of a bitch
141
00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:37,432
snuck onto our property at
night and wrote it in huge letters
142
00:07:37,456 --> 00:07:39,456
with a fertilizer spreader
on our front lawn.
143
00:07:39,500 --> 00:07:42,091
- We had to mow every few
days to keep it from growing taller
144
00:07:42,127 --> 00:07:43,957
and corrupting young people.
145
00:07:44,004 --> 00:07:46,965
- Well, you did pin a note
to their door with a knife.
146
00:07:47,007 --> 00:07:48,838
Have you seen their hedges?
147
00:07:48,884 --> 00:07:50,715
They look like the
lead singer from...
148
00:07:50,762 --> 00:07:52,615
- What’s the name of that band?
- The Melvins.
149
00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:55,098
- The Melvins! And
they refuse to trim ’em!
150
00:07:55,141 --> 00:07:57,691
You know how something like
that can affect property values!
151
00:07:59,269 --> 00:08:00,810
Okay.
152
00:08:01,439 --> 00:08:03,358
Look, you seem okay
for a real estate guy.
153
00:08:03,399 --> 00:08:06,189
And if you sell the house,
we’ll be glad to see them go.
154
00:08:06,235 --> 00:08:08,605
But... there’s no goddamn way
155
00:08:08,654 --> 00:08:10,415
that we are gonna
help them do anything.
156
00:08:10,447 --> 00:08:12,067
- You mark my words:
157
00:08:12,117 --> 00:08:14,697
If we ever turn up dead
and headless, bleeding out
158
00:08:14,744 --> 00:08:17,543
on the porch like that poor
bird Buttercup got hold of,
159
00:08:17,579 --> 00:08:19,500
you’ll know the Hasans did it.
160
00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:25,709
- Well,
161
00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:28,838
meanwhile, enjoy the muffins.
162
00:08:32,678 --> 00:08:35,259
Quitting? Already?
163
00:08:35,306 --> 00:08:37,225
Well, you’ve only
been a real estate agent
164
00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:38,846
for a few days.
165
00:08:38,893 --> 00:08:41,812
You closed the Dunn-Herberts
when no one else could.
166
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:44,904
- Yeah. And then I went home
and took a 45-minute shower
167
00:08:44,941 --> 00:08:47,650
to wash off the filmy
residue of capitalism.
168
00:08:48,318 --> 00:08:49,859
- It’s called growing up.
169
00:08:49,903 --> 00:08:52,703
- No, this was
called selling out.
170
00:08:52,740 --> 00:08:55,240
And I just don’t think
that it’s right for me.
171
00:08:55,994 --> 00:08:58,084
But I also don’t want
to let Luke down either.
172
00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:00,711
- It’s fine to wander
when you’re young.
173
00:09:00,749 --> 00:09:02,288
Noble, even.
174
00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:04,916
But one must
eventually choose a path
175
00:09:04,961 --> 00:09:06,500
and follow it to the end
176
00:09:07,087 --> 00:09:10,628
because old wanderers
lack direction, purpose.
177
00:09:11,717 --> 00:09:14,597
And they often pee outdoors.
178
00:09:15,554 --> 00:09:17,095
- Ew.
179
00:09:20,809 --> 00:09:22,350
Hi. May I help you?
180
00:09:22,937 --> 00:09:24,767
- Oh, I’m-I’m
looking for Phil Orley.
181
00:09:24,813 --> 00:09:27,073
May I say who is here?
182
00:09:27,107 --> 00:09:29,238
Philly can’t possibly be
183
00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:31,647
important enough to
merit this level of screening.
184
00:09:31,696 --> 00:09:34,446
Oh, Philly.
185
00:09:34,490 --> 00:09:36,951
- Hey, Philly. Que pasa?
186
00:09:36,993 --> 00:09:39,623
Abby!
187
00:09:39,662 --> 00:09:41,871
Wh-what are you doing
here? Is everything okay?
188
00:09:42,499 --> 00:09:44,538
- Everything’s fine.
I was just about to
189
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:47,004
submit a blood sample
to your secretary here.
190
00:09:47,044 --> 00:09:49,014
It’s not too late.
191
00:09:49,047 --> 00:09:50,797
- This is Zooey,
our newest agent.
192
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:52,929
Zooey, my big sister, Abby.
193
00:09:54,719 --> 00:09:56,469
- Charmed.
- Mm.
194
00:09:56,513 --> 00:09:58,062
- Okay, come on.
195
00:10:01,100 --> 00:10:03,890
So, Abs, not that this
isn’t a treat, but what’s up?
196
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,557
- I was in town and wondered
197
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:07,225
if you and Anthony
were free for dinner.
198
00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:08,822
- In town for what?
199
00:10:08,857 --> 00:10:11,187
- To take you and
Anthony for dinner.
200
00:10:11,820 --> 00:10:13,490
I was taking care
of some paperwork
201
00:10:13,529 --> 00:10:15,779
from mom and dad’s
estate... you’re welcome...
202
00:10:15,823 --> 00:10:17,453
and thought what a
great excuse to visit
203
00:10:17,491 --> 00:10:19,491
my third-favorite
little brother.
204
00:10:19,536 --> 00:10:21,115
Play your cards right and that
205
00:10:21,162 --> 00:10:22,961
second-favorite slot
might even open up.
206
00:10:22,996 --> 00:10:25,996
- Okay, well, I’ll have to check
with Anthony. He’s really busy...
207
00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:28,591
- How ’bout that place we
all went to last Christmas?
208
00:10:29,169 --> 00:10:32,470
- Fremonts?
- Fremonts. Tomorrow night? 7:00?
209
00:10:32,506 --> 00:10:35,547
- Abby, I’ve got a ton of work
on my plate right now. I don’t...
210
00:10:35,592 --> 00:10:37,302
- I know you’re so
busy and important.
211
00:10:37,345 --> 00:10:38,884
Let’s make it 7:30.
212
00:10:40,181 --> 00:10:42,520
Give this a quick look.
We’ll talk at dinner.
213
00:10:43,017 --> 00:10:45,807
Bye.
214
00:10:53,903 --> 00:10:55,993
- My big sister,
ladies and gentlemen.
215
00:10:56,029 --> 00:10:58,570
- Yeah, I’m not sure I like her.
- Oh, me neither.
216
00:10:58,615 --> 00:11:00,615
- Luke wanted you
to call him, by the way.
217
00:11:01,535 --> 00:11:03,155
- Okay.
218
00:11:03,203 --> 00:11:04,754
- Philly.
219
00:11:05,289 --> 00:11:07,629
- I hate to say it, but
the records look clean.
220
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:10,206
Property line has stayed the
same since it was farmland.
221
00:11:10,253 --> 00:11:11,802
- Well, how long
have they been there?
222
00:11:12,422 --> 00:11:14,091
- That’s gonna
take a deeper dive.
223
00:11:14,131 --> 00:11:17,011
Farm bureau records,
folklore, anecdotals...
224
00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:18,890
- Well, these houses
have been here a while.
225
00:11:18,927 --> 00:11:21,177
See if you can track
down who lived here before.
226
00:11:21,221 --> 00:11:23,432
- I love a challenge.
- Hm.
227
00:11:31,441 --> 00:11:34,191
- Good news is it’s a great
house at a reasonable price point.
228
00:11:34,235 --> 00:11:36,274
The buyers should be lined up.
229
00:11:37,404 --> 00:11:39,154
- I think we know
the bad news already.
230
00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:40,739
They live next door.
231
00:11:40,783 --> 00:11:42,493
- Honestly, I have to tell you,
232
00:11:42,534 --> 00:11:44,115
I spoke with them
and they were...
233
00:11:44,162 --> 00:11:47,461
- Don’t say it!
- Reasonable. Even nice.
234
00:11:47,498 --> 00:11:49,038
- You were here!
235
00:11:49,082 --> 00:11:51,212
Did you not see
the decapitated bird?
236
00:11:51,251 --> 00:11:53,091
- They told me
their dog did that.
237
00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:54,798
- And you believed them?
238
00:11:54,838 --> 00:11:56,399
- Honestly, I don’t
know who to believe.
239
00:11:56,423 --> 00:11:58,634
You did some kind of
extreme stuff to them, too.
240
00:11:59,509 --> 00:12:01,049
- He showed you the lawn.
241
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,260
- You’re not exactly
innocents here.
242
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,577
- Then maybe we need
to find new representation.
243
00:12:07,601 --> 00:12:09,812
- Mm-hm.
- You’d fire us?
244
00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:12,937
Wow, that is wildly
unprecedented
245
00:12:12,981 --> 00:12:15,442
and certainly your
prerogative, but my solution
246
00:12:15,485 --> 00:12:17,705
would be to sell your
house as quickly as possible
247
00:12:17,736 --> 00:12:19,447
for the most amount
of money possible
248
00:12:19,489 --> 00:12:22,239
and put some space
between you and the Masseys
249
00:12:22,283 --> 00:12:24,452
before you develop
a nuclear program.
250
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:30,711
- We have that block
party coming up.
251
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,379
A lot of people come to that.
252
00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:34,128
- Great! Everybody
loves a block party.
253
00:12:34,169 --> 00:12:36,669
Gives people a real chance to
get a feel for the neighborhood,
254
00:12:36,713 --> 00:12:40,014
see how well
everybody gets along.
255
00:12:41,510 --> 00:12:43,431
- If it’ll get us
out of here faster,
256
00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:46,178
we’ll fake it.
257
00:12:46,224 --> 00:12:47,774
- That is all I want to hear!
258
00:12:51,395 --> 00:12:54,355
Look, you don’t
need to love them.
259
00:12:54,399 --> 00:12:56,109
Just don’t attack
them for a while.
260
00:12:57,067 --> 00:12:58,607
- We’ll try.
261
00:12:59,403 --> 00:13:01,203
- And maybe turn
off that porch light
262
00:13:01,239 --> 00:13:03,278
that burns like a thousand suns?
263
00:13:03,865 --> 00:13:05,405
- We’ll see.
264
00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:08,658
- There you go.
Peace in our time.
265
00:13:15,461 --> 00:13:17,341
Your greatest
advantage is that you live
266
00:13:17,379 --> 00:13:18,919
in a highly desirable
neighborhood
267
00:13:18,965 --> 00:13:20,884
and no other inventory
is available here.
268
00:13:20,924 --> 00:13:22,794
You get to set the market and...
269
00:13:30,100 --> 00:13:31,640
- This means war.
270
00:13:39,735 --> 00:13:41,895
I really appreciate you
coming in, Mr. Flynn.
271
00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:43,775
- Oh, my office is
just around the corner.
272
00:13:43,822 --> 00:13:47,623
- Great. So, you used to live
at 4 Sotherfield Lane, right?
273
00:13:47,659 --> 00:13:49,250
Next door to Rowan
and Renata Massey?
274
00:13:49,287 --> 00:13:52,116
Ohh... They were the worst.
275
00:13:52,164 --> 00:13:54,254
- How so?
- Arguments.
276
00:13:54,292 --> 00:13:56,251
Noisy. Nasty.
277
00:13:56,293 --> 00:13:57,844
All the time... endless.
278
00:13:57,879 --> 00:13:59,418
- About what?
279
00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:03,302
- You know, neighbor stuff.
280
00:14:04,552 --> 00:14:06,101
- Anything specific?
281
00:14:11,558 --> 00:14:13,519
- They killed my cat!
282
00:14:14,562 --> 00:14:16,111
- Excuse me?
283
00:14:16,147 --> 00:14:18,856
- They put out a bowl of
antifreeze and poisoned my cat!
284
00:14:19,609 --> 00:14:21,359
- That’s dark.
- Weird.
285
00:14:23,236 --> 00:14:24,907
I forgot it until just now.
286
00:14:29,786 --> 00:14:31,696
- Hey.
- Yeah?
287
00:14:32,371 --> 00:14:33,912
You work for Rita.
288
00:14:33,956 --> 00:14:36,036
- I’m her assistant.
289
00:14:36,084 --> 00:14:37,884
- Hm.
290
00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:50,104
Hey! You never mentioned
you were thinking about selling.
291
00:14:50,139 --> 00:14:52,019
- Oh, we been thinking
about it for a while.
292
00:14:52,057 --> 00:14:53,557
You know, we got the nicer house
293
00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:56,061
and we’re empirically
better people,
294
00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:58,563
so why let them set the market?
295
00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:01,942
- Luke! So nice to see you.
296
00:15:02,943 --> 00:15:04,864
I’m afraid this house is a...
297
00:15:04,903 --> 00:15:06,703
tiny bit out of
your price range,
298
00:15:06,739 --> 00:15:09,698
but maybe we can help you find
a nice haunted amusement park,
299
00:15:09,741 --> 00:15:11,292
or something.
300
00:15:12,995 --> 00:15:14,745
- Can I have a word?
- Hm.
301
00:15:18,208 --> 00:15:20,088
- Look who’s over there.
302
00:15:20,128 --> 00:15:22,587
- Listen, Rita, there
is something going on
303
00:15:22,629 --> 00:15:24,259
between these neighbors.
304
00:15:24,298 --> 00:15:26,048
- A little friction
between neighbors?
305
00:15:26,091 --> 00:15:27,682
Happens all the time.
306
00:15:27,717 --> 00:15:29,638
You piece of crap!
307
00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:32,933
You had to horn
in on our actions!
308
00:15:32,974 --> 00:15:35,076
- We have every right to
expose it to the open market,
309
00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:37,941
- just the same as you!
- Swear to God, you better not...
310
00:15:37,979 --> 00:15:40,859
- That cow meant everything to
us and you took her for your own!
311
00:15:40,898 --> 00:15:43,187
- The cow wandered
onto our land!
312
00:15:43,234 --> 00:15:45,153
- You were trying to claim him!
313
00:15:45,193 --> 00:15:46,823
- whole crop of sorghum!
314
00:15:46,863 --> 00:15:48,913
We will have nothing
for the rest of the season.
315
00:15:48,947 --> 00:15:51,908
- Don’t dare tell me what to do!
- I’ll bite them off your hand!
316
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:54,870
- Tarik!
- I’ve had enough of you, buddy!
317
00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:56,831
- Tarik!
318
00:15:58,374 --> 00:16:00,504
Remember what we talked about?
319
00:16:02,128 --> 00:16:04,168
Back in the house.
320
00:16:05,380 --> 00:16:07,551
- This isn’t over! Swear to God!
- No, it’s not over,
321
00:16:07,591 --> 00:16:09,511
because you’re not
lying in a pool of blood!
322
00:16:09,552 --> 00:16:12,011
- Hey!
- Not yet! Not yet!
323
00:16:12,053 --> 00:16:13,604
- No, come on!
324
00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:16,346
- So, a little
friction, you say?
325
00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:19,192
- Did you hear what they
were screaming about?
326
00:16:19,227 --> 00:16:22,477
- Uh, I dunno.
Something about a cow?
327
00:16:36,995 --> 00:16:40,456
- Hey. I got your text.
I’m working tonight so...
328
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,379
- You are not
gonna believe this.
329
00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:44,998
- It’s Abigail. I might.
330
00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:48,551
- This is an affidavit of
posthumous variation,
331
00:16:48,591 --> 00:16:50,801
which is a precursor to
post-probate allocation,
332
00:16:50,842 --> 00:16:52,763
- which means...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
333
00:16:52,802 --> 00:16:54,352
Start at the beginning.
334
00:16:56,389 --> 00:16:59,139
- My parents were super
involved in our parish church,
335
00:16:59,184 --> 00:17:01,274
my whole life. You know this.
336
00:17:01,312 --> 00:17:03,692
So they always told
us, "When we’re gone,
337
00:17:03,730 --> 00:17:06,070
everything’s split
between you kids except for
338
00:17:06,107 --> 00:17:08,438
this one piece of land.
That’s for the church."
339
00:17:08,486 --> 00:17:11,105
- Like, to build
a church, or...?
340
00:17:11,154 --> 00:17:13,234
- Who cares? It’s a couple
acres of dirt and weeds
341
00:17:13,281 --> 00:17:14,951
that I don’t think
Jesus could find
342
00:17:14,991 --> 00:17:16,951
without the GPS coordinates.
343
00:17:16,993 --> 00:17:18,544
- And yet?
- And yet,
344
00:17:18,578 --> 00:17:20,909
when my mom passed
it never came up.
345
00:17:21,540 --> 00:17:23,461
I just assumed that it
was specified in the will
346
00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:25,040
and then handed over.
347
00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:27,835
Apparently not.
348
00:17:28,422 --> 00:17:31,051
It’s gone to us kids with
the rest of the estate.
349
00:17:31,759 --> 00:17:33,548
- So, it’s ours now?
350
00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:36,433
Our summer place
to graze the ponies
351
00:17:36,471 --> 00:17:38,602
and let the corgis run free?
352
00:17:39,307 --> 00:17:43,597
- Abigail says that we should
donate it to the church now.
353
00:17:43,645 --> 00:17:45,556
That’s what these forms are for.
354
00:17:46,315 --> 00:17:47,775
See, you know,
355
00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:49,396
that’s what kills
me about Abigail!
356
00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:52,201
She doesn’t have the
decency to forge my name
357
00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:54,238
and do this deal quietly. No!
358
00:17:54,281 --> 00:17:56,491
She has to ambush me and-and-and
359
00:17:56,534 --> 00:17:58,624
knowing perfectly well
that, given enough time,
360
00:17:58,661 --> 00:18:01,750
not only am I going
to say no, but hell, no.
361
00:18:01,788 --> 00:18:04,919
- Your relationship with
your sister is... complicated.
362
00:18:04,959 --> 00:18:07,959
- She was always the
favorite, the-the good one.
363
00:18:08,003 --> 00:18:11,173
It took a big gesture of me
becoming a priest to pull ahead.
364
00:18:11,214 --> 00:18:13,424
- Sort of a Hail Mary.
365
00:18:17,887 --> 00:18:19,428
Do you want to keep the land?
366
00:18:19,472 --> 00:18:21,022
- No. I mean...
367
00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:24,392
What-what would we do with it?
368
00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:27,058
That’s not-that’s
not the point! The...
369
00:18:27,105 --> 00:18:29,776
The point is... she’s asking me.
370
00:18:30,651 --> 00:18:32,191
Me!
371
00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:34,355
To give something that...
with a not-insignificant
372
00:18:34,404 --> 00:18:36,075
dollar value to the church.
373
00:18:36,615 --> 00:18:38,326
The same church
that chose to model
374
00:18:38,366 --> 00:18:42,247
the tolerant ministry of Christ
by tossing me out the narthex!
375
00:18:42,288 --> 00:18:45,288
I’m not good enough, but
my inheritance is? No! No.
376
00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:48,173
- Okay, great, simple.
377
00:18:49,127 --> 00:18:50,998
- Simple?
- Just tell Abby
378
00:18:51,047 --> 00:18:52,586
what you just told me.
379
00:18:54,674 --> 00:18:56,384
- Yes.
380
00:18:57,094 --> 00:18:59,013
No.
381
00:18:59,055 --> 00:19:00,894
- Hell, no.
382
00:19:02,599 --> 00:19:04,140
- Hell, no.
383
00:19:19,282 --> 00:19:20,833
- Now that is marketing.
384
00:19:20,867 --> 00:19:23,077
- Oh, yeah. Kids at
a grade-school rager
385
00:19:23,119 --> 00:19:25,000
are known for
their brand loyalty.
386
00:19:26,707 --> 00:19:28,457
- I’m going to mingle.
387
00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:34,795
- Hey.
388
00:19:34,839 --> 00:19:36,339
I’m Alvin.
389
00:19:37,759 --> 00:19:39,849
I- I work for Rita Weiss.
390
00:19:39,886 --> 00:19:41,967
- Oh. Thoughts
and prayers, Alvin.
391
00:19:42,013 --> 00:19:44,183
You’re with Roman, right?
392
00:19:44,224 --> 00:19:45,775
- Mm-hm.
- What’s that like?
393
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,439
- It’s okay. Most of the time.
394
00:19:48,479 --> 00:19:51,269
- I ask because I hear things.
395
00:19:51,898 --> 00:19:53,479
- What kind of things?
396
00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:55,066
- Like,
397
00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:58,028
you made a pact with the devil
that so you could move people
398
00:19:58,072 --> 00:20:00,321
into different houses so
that he could eat their souls.
399
00:20:00,365 --> 00:20:02,026
Oh...
400
00:20:02,076 --> 00:20:04,286
Yeah, yeah. I can confirm that.
401
00:20:05,829 --> 00:20:07,869
Oh!
402
00:20:08,582 --> 00:20:11,132
- You had me there.
- Did I?
403
00:20:13,962 --> 00:20:16,423
- Well, I better get
back. Gotta make sure
404
00:20:16,464 --> 00:20:18,585
nobody gets in there with,
you know, sharp objects.
405
00:20:18,634 --> 00:20:21,094
We’ll lose the deposit.
Yeah-ha. Yeah.
406
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:25,181
Thank you for your service.
407
00:20:32,605 --> 00:20:34,316
- Wish you’d
thought of it, right?
408
00:20:34,357 --> 00:20:38,238
- Yeah! The next pre-qualified
toddlers to come by are yours.
409
00:20:38,945 --> 00:20:40,865
Listen, we talked to some
of the people who lived
410
00:20:40,905 --> 00:20:43,236
in these houses before
the Hasans and Masseys.
411
00:20:44,951 --> 00:20:46,622
- And?
- Let’s just say
412
00:20:46,662 --> 00:20:48,372
there’s a history of violence.
413
00:20:48,413 --> 00:20:51,084
We need to close these places
before they murder each other.
414
00:21:00,634 --> 00:21:02,183
This is a great idea.
415
00:21:06,097 --> 00:21:07,637
There you go.
416
00:21:22,530 --> 00:21:24,070
- Hi.
- Oh!
417
00:21:24,115 --> 00:21:25,655
Here we go!
418
00:22:02,821 --> 00:22:05,321
- Oops.
- Oh!
419
00:22:07,367 --> 00:22:09,238
Oh!
420
00:22:13,374 --> 00:22:15,544
Tariq! Rowan!
421
00:22:18,711 --> 00:22:20,261
- Ah!
422
00:22:21,131 --> 00:22:22,800
Ahh!
423
00:22:26,428 --> 00:22:28,428
No.
424
00:22:30,098 --> 00:22:31,848
Ahh!
425
00:22:43,820 --> 00:22:45,740
- Ah, ah!
426
00:22:52,203 --> 00:22:54,713
Stay!
427
00:22:54,748 --> 00:22:56,627
- Hey, are you okay?
- I am.
428
00:22:56,666 --> 00:22:58,207
But this is getting
out of control.
429
00:22:59,086 --> 00:23:00,625
- Well, this is a mess.
430
00:23:00,671 --> 00:23:03,050
Where’s that useless
assistant of mine?
431
00:23:04,799 --> 00:23:06,339
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
432
00:23:13,267 --> 00:23:14,807
Alvin bounced.
433
00:23:28,031 --> 00:23:30,162
- Well, guess who’s picking
up her own dry cleaning
434
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:31,829
for the rest of the week.
435
00:23:31,868 --> 00:23:33,409
- He got knifed, Rita...
436
00:23:33,996 --> 00:23:35,536
and you don’t even care!
437
00:23:37,290 --> 00:23:38,830
- This has gone too far.
438
00:23:38,875 --> 00:23:41,336
- Oh, relax. Nobody’s
pressing any charges.
439
00:23:41,377 --> 00:23:42,958
A stitch here, a
tetanus shot there.
440
00:23:43,005 --> 00:23:44,765
- No, we are gonna
get on top of this thing.
441
00:23:44,798 --> 00:23:46,468
I’m gonna do a deep
dive into the Hasans
442
00:23:46,508 --> 00:23:49,677
and I need your go ahead to
do the same at the Masseys.
443
00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:51,299
- Your people in my listing?
444
00:23:51,888 --> 00:23:53,519
- We’re never going
to sell these places
445
00:23:53,557 --> 00:23:55,267
until we settle this.
446
00:23:55,308 --> 00:23:59,058
From a pure greed perspective,
can’t see how you can refuse.
447
00:24:01,230 --> 00:24:02,770
- Well, when you
put it that way.
448
00:24:09,155 --> 00:24:12,826
- No area in the home
is particularly active?
449
00:24:12,867 --> 00:24:15,538
- I mean, it’s mostly
around that side,
450
00:24:15,578 --> 00:24:17,159
closest to them.
451
00:24:19,750 --> 00:24:22,630
- Any odd sounds at night?
452
00:24:23,252 --> 00:24:25,712
- No. Well, rats.
453
00:24:27,715 --> 00:24:30,046
- Rats?
- The Masseys throw dinner scraps
454
00:24:30,094 --> 00:24:32,054
into our yard
almost every night.
455
00:24:32,096 --> 00:24:35,135
That brought raccoons.
And then the rats came.
456
00:24:36,182 --> 00:24:37,853
- That’s despicable.
457
00:24:37,893 --> 00:24:40,153
- It was his first
gig as altar boy.
458
00:24:40,186 --> 00:24:41,896
- Mm.
- And the cassock was
459
00:24:41,939 --> 00:24:43,479
a little too long.
460
00:24:43,523 --> 00:24:45,574
- Oh.
- Ethan tripped.
461
00:24:45,608 --> 00:24:47,189
- Mm.
- Whoow!
462
00:24:47,236 --> 00:24:49,566
Body of Christ
all over the place.
463
00:24:49,613 --> 00:24:51,202
He was devastated.
464
00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:53,200
He was so worried Jesus
would be mad at him.
465
00:24:53,951 --> 00:24:55,540
- I know that feeling.
466
00:24:55,576 --> 00:24:57,826
- Oh, he reminds me so
much of you at that age.
467
00:24:57,871 --> 00:24:59,371
So innocent.
468
00:25:01,583 --> 00:25:03,083
Mm.
469
00:25:03,126 --> 00:25:05,416
Ruggedly handsome,
just like his uncle.
470
00:25:05,461 --> 00:25:07,882
Yeah.
471
00:25:07,923 --> 00:25:09,593
- He’s a good boy.
- Yeah.
472
00:25:09,633 --> 00:25:11,222
- Obeys his parents.
473
00:25:12,635 --> 00:25:16,256
- And so we segue gracefully
into the business of the day.
474
00:25:16,306 --> 00:25:19,056
- You knew mom wanted to
give that land to the church.
475
00:25:19,101 --> 00:25:20,770
- How could I not?
476
00:25:20,810 --> 00:25:23,101
Every festive dinner over
the last four years of her life
477
00:25:23,146 --> 00:25:27,277
included a dry run of
mother’s post-mortem wish list.
478
00:25:27,317 --> 00:25:29,777
- And she wondered why
the desserts weren’t moving.
479
00:25:32,155 --> 00:25:33,865
- But here’s the thing, Abs...
480
00:25:34,490 --> 00:25:36,080
back then it was...
481
00:25:36,743 --> 00:25:38,294
it was abstract.
482
00:25:38,327 --> 00:25:40,748
- And back then
you were a priest.
483
00:25:41,498 --> 00:25:43,038
- Yeah.
484
00:25:43,500 --> 00:25:45,089
O- okay, sure, but...
485
00:25:46,336 --> 00:25:48,955
Now? Now it’s real.
486
00:25:49,006 --> 00:25:52,715
- And now you’re a gay
guy who sells real estate.
487
00:25:52,759 --> 00:25:55,470
- Yeah, and I feel pretty
good about both, if it matters.
488
00:25:55,511 --> 00:25:58,392
- Yeah, it matters. Of
course it matters a lot.
489
00:25:59,141 --> 00:26:00,641
But while your world has turned,
490
00:26:00,683 --> 00:26:03,314
like, a thousand
times, Mom’s hasn’t.
491
00:26:03,353 --> 00:26:05,403
- Dying will do
that to a person.
492
00:26:05,439 --> 00:26:07,229
- It’s a shitty two
acres of nothing.
493
00:26:07,273 --> 00:26:08,784
Why do you even care?
494
00:26:09,817 --> 00:26:12,488
- I care because
you made it personal.
495
00:26:14,114 --> 00:26:16,453
Before it was something
that just happened, like...
496
00:26:17,201 --> 00:26:19,790
February, or rickets,
or the playoffs
497
00:26:19,827 --> 00:26:22,327
and all I could say was,
"Well, that happened."
498
00:26:22,372 --> 00:26:24,832
But now you’re
making me sign off on it.
499
00:26:24,875 --> 00:26:26,924
Endorse it. And
it pisses me off!
500
00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:29,130
- Do you have any idea
how much you hurt her...
501
00:26:29,171 --> 00:26:31,131
- Oh.
- When you left the church?
502
00:26:31,173 --> 00:26:33,432
Every time one of her
friends asked about
503
00:26:34,009 --> 00:26:37,298
her son, the priest...
she had to correct them.
504
00:26:37,346 --> 00:26:40,135
- Yeah. She didn’t have to.
- Yes she did. Phil...
505
00:26:40,723 --> 00:26:42,273
Come on! You knew mom.
506
00:26:43,059 --> 00:26:44,809
She did...
507
00:26:44,853 --> 00:26:46,403
and her heart broke.
508
00:26:47,314 --> 00:26:49,193
- Yeah.
509
00:26:49,232 --> 00:26:51,153
I know that feeling, too.
510
00:26:58,700 --> 00:27:02,579
- Mm-hm, mm-hm,
mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.
511
00:27:05,915 --> 00:27:09,705
You know what? Let’s just try it
back over by the shelves again.
512
00:27:09,752 --> 00:27:12,173
- You know, I find
myself envying Alvin
513
00:27:12,213 --> 00:27:14,884
and his reliable morphine drip.
514
00:27:14,924 --> 00:27:17,224
- Ooh, you’re a smart one.
515
00:27:17,260 --> 00:27:18,851
- Yeah, I’m a genius.
516
00:27:18,886 --> 00:27:21,346
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
517
00:27:21,390 --> 00:27:24,519
You recognize the
ultimate futility of it all.
518
00:27:25,018 --> 00:27:27,397
The trick is to identify
what we can change
519
00:27:27,436 --> 00:27:31,227
and what we can’t. We
can move a coffee table.
520
00:27:31,275 --> 00:27:32,904
We can’t force a lender
521
00:27:32,942 --> 00:27:36,782
to prequalify a buyer
with insufficient income.
522
00:27:37,447 --> 00:27:39,027
Not legally, anyway.
523
00:27:39,074 --> 00:27:41,334
- Okay, you’re starting
to scare me a little.
524
00:27:41,367 --> 00:27:42,867
- That’s real estate, kitten.
525
00:27:43,871 --> 00:27:45,871
Oh, Renata! Hi!
526
00:27:45,913 --> 00:27:49,003
- Hi. Are you
Alvin’s replacement?
527
00:27:49,041 --> 00:27:52,711
- God, I hope not.
- Uh, Zooey’s, um...
528
00:27:52,753 --> 00:27:57,013
a special consultant here
to evaluate the property.
529
00:27:57,049 --> 00:27:59,009
- Yeah, I saw your
R-rated lawn outside.
530
00:27:59,051 --> 00:28:01,761
- God, the Hasans
make it so difficult.
531
00:28:01,805 --> 00:28:03,424
See here!
532
00:28:06,934 --> 00:28:08,555
Double-glazed windows.
533
00:28:08,604 --> 00:28:11,773
The Hasans play their
music from midnight to six AM.
534
00:28:11,815 --> 00:28:14,605
They even put subwoofers on
the ground to shake the walls.
535
00:28:14,651 --> 00:28:17,530
- They’re evil people.
- What kind of music?
536
00:28:17,570 --> 00:28:20,951
- Show tunes; ’80s TV themes;
537
00:28:20,990 --> 00:28:23,911
Hall. And. Oates.
538
00:28:23,951 --> 00:28:25,541
- Monsters.
539
00:28:25,578 --> 00:28:27,472
- Two o’clock in the morning
and I need to be reminded
540
00:28:27,497 --> 00:28:29,416
that my kiss is on their list?
541
00:28:29,458 --> 00:28:30,998
- Why do we even have prisons?
542
00:28:34,337 --> 00:28:36,627
- Just sign it.
- No.
543
00:28:36,673 --> 00:28:39,932
Just no. Emphatically no.
544
00:28:39,968 --> 00:28:41,758
- This land thing
was their choice,
545
00:28:41,802 --> 00:28:43,302
not yours.
546
00:28:43,346 --> 00:28:45,807
You can leave your
property to whoever you want!
547
00:28:45,848 --> 00:28:47,729
The Humane Society,
Doctors Without Borders,
548
00:28:47,768 --> 00:28:49,478
the Broadway League Foundation.
549
00:28:49,519 --> 00:28:51,269
- Leave Anthony
out of this, please.
550
00:28:52,355 --> 00:28:53,895
If they wanted it so badly,
551
00:28:53,941 --> 00:28:55,941
why did they forget
to have it in the will?
552
00:28:55,983 --> 00:28:58,953
- This is what they wanted.
Does that mean nothing to you?
553
00:28:58,987 --> 00:29:00,446
- Clearly it means more to you.
554
00:29:01,530 --> 00:29:03,070
Perfect Abby.
555
00:29:03,866 --> 00:29:05,737
Always does what
makes mommy happy.
556
00:29:06,369 --> 00:29:08,000
Never rocks the boat.
557
00:29:09,957 --> 00:29:11,916
- You broke their hearts.
558
00:29:11,959 --> 00:29:14,788
You left the priesthood.
You married a...
559
00:29:15,711 --> 00:29:18,011
A- a wonderful guy
who I personally love
560
00:29:18,048 --> 00:29:20,468
and knows every lyric
Stephen Sondheim ever wrote.
561
00:29:21,884 --> 00:29:23,464
And, still, you
were their favorite.
562
00:29:26,222 --> 00:29:27,772
Mm-hm.
563
00:29:28,808 --> 00:29:30,308
You won.
564
00:29:31,353 --> 00:29:33,063
My third-favorite
little brother.
565
00:29:34,564 --> 00:29:36,864
You went against everything
they ever taught us,
566
00:29:36,900 --> 00:29:38,609
everything they ever dreamed...
567
00:29:39,987 --> 00:29:42,656
and, in the end, they
loved you more, anyway.
568
00:29:45,075 --> 00:29:47,045
Yay for you, Philly.
569
00:29:47,076 --> 00:29:48,616
You won.
570
00:29:50,998 --> 00:29:52,498
You know what?
571
00:29:53,834 --> 00:29:55,844
Sign the papers, or don’t.
572
00:29:58,255 --> 00:30:00,134
You can let me know by mail.
573
00:30:12,519 --> 00:30:14,189
- You’re the boss,
Luke, as always.
574
00:30:14,229 --> 00:30:17,068
But there is no sign of
anything psychokinetic,
575
00:30:17,106 --> 00:30:18,686
only evil.
576
00:30:18,733 --> 00:30:20,252
- So, your instruments
are telling you...
577
00:30:20,277 --> 00:30:24,356
- My sense of common
decency tells me the Masseys
578
00:30:24,405 --> 00:30:26,365
should be sealed in
a bell jar and studied!
579
00:30:27,116 --> 00:30:28,696
Hey, Zooey, what did you...
580
00:30:28,743 --> 00:30:30,584
- Those people are animals!
581
00:30:30,619 --> 00:30:32,160
- So, we agree.
582
00:30:32,204 --> 00:30:33,845
- I don’t think it’s
enough for the Hasans
583
00:30:33,874 --> 00:30:35,884
to just be cast
into the pit of hell.
584
00:30:35,916 --> 00:30:37,537
- The Hasans?
585
00:30:38,211 --> 00:30:40,590
- We should set
them on fire first!
586
00:30:40,630 --> 00:30:43,420
- The Hasans? Innocent victims
587
00:30:43,467 --> 00:30:46,547
of the Masseys’ sick,
raccoon-based perversions?
588
00:30:47,304 --> 00:30:49,683
- No one should be told at
two o’clock in the morning
589
00:30:49,722 --> 00:30:52,893
that their kiss is on
someone’s list. Without consent!
590
00:30:52,933 --> 00:30:54,443
- You’re insane.
591
00:30:54,478 --> 00:30:56,018
- Oh! You’re bald!
592
00:30:56,063 --> 00:30:58,772
- You wear unnecessary
metal in your nose.
593
00:30:58,815 --> 00:31:00,684
- Okay.
- Okay, before we say something...
594
00:31:00,733 --> 00:31:03,243
- Oh, farmer boy!
- Needy girl!
595
00:31:03,278 --> 00:31:05,107
- Needy? You’re
slipping, August!
596
00:31:05,154 --> 00:31:07,704
Why only use two
syllables when six will do?
597
00:31:07,740 --> 00:31:10,371
- You’re a quitter! You’ve
only been a real estate agent
598
00:31:10,410 --> 00:31:12,079
for a few days and
already you want out!
599
00:31:12,662 --> 00:31:14,372
Your father should
have taught you better.
600
00:31:14,413 --> 00:31:16,084
Oh, wait, you
never really had a...
601
00:31:16,124 --> 00:31:17,673
Oh!
602
00:31:30,096 --> 00:31:32,926
- August, I am so sorry!
603
00:31:32,973 --> 00:31:34,814
- Zooey...
604
00:31:35,644 --> 00:31:39,233
You mean the world to
me and I cannot believe...
605
00:31:39,271 --> 00:31:40,822
- I’m so sorry!
606
00:31:41,400 --> 00:31:42,940
- Are you guys okay?
607
00:31:43,609 --> 00:31:45,279
How long were you
inside those houses?
608
00:31:46,070 --> 00:31:47,780
- Less than three hours.
- Four hours.
609
00:31:49,907 --> 00:31:53,038
- But it isn’t enough just
to be inside the house.
610
00:31:53,994 --> 00:31:55,575
You need to confront someone
611
00:31:55,622 --> 00:31:58,372
who was recently
inside the other house.
612
00:31:58,416 --> 00:32:00,497
That is when the
fireworks start.
613
00:32:01,627 --> 00:32:03,798
- So, what? It-it’ll never end?
614
00:32:04,798 --> 00:32:08,298
- People write songs and
sonnets about everlasting love.
615
00:32:09,094 --> 00:32:10,644
But for true staying power...
616
00:32:11,680 --> 00:32:14,180
hate takes the taco.
617
00:32:57,057 --> 00:32:58,597
- A cow.
618
00:32:59,853 --> 00:33:01,403
Damn cow.
619
00:33:02,897 --> 00:33:04,438
- I hope you’re right.
620
00:33:04,482 --> 00:33:07,073
Phil... make it fast.
621
00:33:07,109 --> 00:33:08,650
- I’m minutes away.
622
00:33:49,861 --> 00:33:51,401
It’s on, alright.
623
00:33:52,029 --> 00:33:54,240
Bring it! Bring it on!
624
00:33:59,412 --> 00:34:01,872
- Don’t do this! Don’t do this!
625
00:34:02,414 --> 00:34:03,914
- Ambrose! Parker!
626
00:34:05,751 --> 00:34:08,632
It’s not their fault! It’s
a curse... a blood feud.
627
00:34:08,672 --> 00:34:11,132
Listen! Listen!
628
00:34:11,840 --> 00:34:13,971
Back a 100 years ago,
this was all farmland.
629
00:34:15,971 --> 00:34:18,471
Property line in the
exact same place.
630
00:34:18,514 --> 00:34:20,144
Parker had cows.
631
00:34:20,182 --> 00:34:22,103
Ambrose grew sorghum.
Everybody got along.
632
00:34:22,726 --> 00:34:25,396
One day one of Parker’s
cows got into Ambrose’s crops.
633
00:34:25,438 --> 00:34:27,068
Ambrose tied him up
634
00:34:27,106 --> 00:34:29,027
intending to return
him by nightfall,
635
00:34:29,067 --> 00:34:30,856
but things got
busy and he forgot.
636
00:34:31,443 --> 00:34:34,614
Well, Parker saw that
Ambrose had one of his cows
637
00:34:34,655 --> 00:34:36,365
and got mad as hell.
638
00:34:36,407 --> 00:34:38,177
The two men came to blows
but the families split ’em up
639
00:34:38,201 --> 00:34:40,331
and sent the sons out the
next day to build a fence.
640
00:34:41,454 --> 00:34:43,123
These were hotheaded farm boys
641
00:34:43,164 --> 00:34:44,713
and they started fighting.
642
00:34:45,416 --> 00:34:47,246
First with words,
then with knives.
643
00:34:47,293 --> 00:34:48,884
Shovels. Axes.
644
00:34:52,923 --> 00:34:54,844
It turned into a slaughter.
645
00:35:01,474 --> 00:35:03,483
They say the blood
ran into the postholes.
646
00:35:07,688 --> 00:35:09,228
From that day on...
647
00:35:09,273 --> 00:35:11,614
families on either
side of that fence...
648
00:35:14,445 --> 00:35:15,985
hated each other.
649
00:35:57,155 --> 00:35:59,065
- Ready?
650
00:36:33,148 --> 00:36:35,108
- Yo. Philly.
651
00:36:38,570 --> 00:36:40,490
- What are you doing here?
652
00:36:40,532 --> 00:36:42,161
- The clock radio
in my hotel room
653
00:36:42,199 --> 00:36:43,780
woke me up this morning
654
00:36:43,827 --> 00:36:45,907
and was playing a
Judas Priest song.
655
00:36:46,496 --> 00:36:48,076
And I thought of you.
656
00:36:48,123 --> 00:36:49,583
- You know, I’m not sure
657
00:36:49,623 --> 00:36:51,253
how I’m supposed
to feel about that, Abs.
658
00:36:55,338 --> 00:36:56,878
- I realized
659
00:36:56,922 --> 00:36:59,092
how you must have
felt about the church.
660
00:37:00,342 --> 00:37:02,643
Whatever you decide
about the land thing, just...
661
00:37:03,679 --> 00:37:05,769
send me the paperwork
and I’ll deal with it.
662
00:37:07,057 --> 00:37:08,597
Or not.
663
00:37:12,771 --> 00:37:14,692
Okay. That’s it.
664
00:37:14,733 --> 00:37:16,693
Tell Ethan that...
665
00:37:17,402 --> 00:37:19,572
Jesus doesn’t mind
when you spill his body,
666
00:37:19,612 --> 00:37:21,572
but if you spill his blood,
667
00:37:21,614 --> 00:37:23,164
mix three parts
hydrogen peroxide
668
00:37:23,199 --> 00:37:25,949
to one part dish soap. It
gets the stains right out.
669
00:37:29,204 --> 00:37:31,164
- Hm.
670
00:37:31,206 --> 00:37:32,786
You are a good uncle.
671
00:37:43,260 --> 00:37:44,800
Second favorite brother.
672
00:37:58,275 --> 00:37:59,815
Hey.
673
00:38:00,320 --> 00:38:02,659
- Luke! It’s perfect.
674
00:38:02,697 --> 00:38:04,867
Tarik was just saying
now that the fence is gone,
675
00:38:04,907 --> 00:38:07,657
we can have full-sun hibiscus
running all the way down.
676
00:38:07,702 --> 00:38:10,014
- I’m so glad to talk plants
with someone. Mina’s hopeless.
677
00:38:10,038 --> 00:38:12,157
So’s Rowan.
678
00:38:15,876 --> 00:38:17,956
- What a tragic waste of time.
679
00:38:18,003 --> 00:38:20,724
The Masseys just told me
they’re no longer selling.
680
00:38:20,757 --> 00:38:22,967
- Yeah, the Hasans
feel the same way.
681
00:38:23,802 --> 00:38:27,141
- Poor Alvin. He nearly
bounced into eternity and...
682
00:38:27,931 --> 00:38:29,811
- died in vain.
- Hm.
683
00:38:30,557 --> 00:38:32,097
Just out of curiosity,
684
00:38:32,684 --> 00:38:34,514
what do you think
happens when we die?
685
00:38:34,561 --> 00:38:36,231
- I have no idea.
686
00:38:37,273 --> 00:38:39,612
But it probably affects
your credit scores.
687
00:38:55,416 --> 00:38:58,246
- No? Hell, no?
688
00:38:58,293 --> 00:38:59,844
- No.
689
00:38:59,878 --> 00:39:01,458
Hell, yes.
690
00:39:01,505 --> 00:39:03,666
I signed the damn papers over.
691
00:39:03,715 --> 00:39:07,635
Our ancestral land is going
to be a vacation bible school,
692
00:39:08,554 --> 00:39:10,775
or a... popemobile parking lot,
693
00:39:11,349 --> 00:39:14,139
or a place where they train
Jesuits to fight in the octagon.
694
00:39:15,143 --> 00:39:17,563
Better get a nice fruit
basket from the Vatican.
695
00:39:18,523 --> 00:39:20,112
- Oh, honey.
696
00:39:20,148 --> 00:39:22,028
- Just wasn’t worth
the fight, you know?
697
00:39:22,902 --> 00:39:24,572
- You’re a good person.
698
00:39:25,112 --> 00:39:27,112
- Mm. Not really.
699
00:39:27,657 --> 00:39:29,197
But thank you.
700
00:39:29,867 --> 00:39:31,827
Oh, any word from
the adoption people?
701
00:39:34,873 --> 00:39:36,583
You gotta know,
702
00:39:37,208 --> 00:39:39,918
as much as you want this
baby... and I do, too, we both do,
703
00:39:39,960 --> 00:39:41,501
don’t get me wrong...
704
00:39:42,755 --> 00:39:46,965
please don’t feel like we
need a baby to be a family.
705
00:39:47,594 --> 00:39:50,603
- Yeah, I know. I-it’s just...
706
00:39:50,637 --> 00:39:52,177
- Hey...
707
00:39:52,222 --> 00:39:53,773
You and I...
708
00:39:54,601 --> 00:39:56,981
we’re a better family than
most people will ever find.
709
00:40:00,773 --> 00:40:02,322
Come here.
710
00:40:07,780 --> 00:40:09,320
We can always get a dog.
711
00:40:15,163 --> 00:40:17,213
- Good night, Zooey.
- Good night, Augie.
712
00:40:24,797 --> 00:40:26,467
- Hey.
713
00:40:27,300 --> 00:40:29,929
What August said
earlier: is it true?
714
00:40:29,969 --> 00:40:31,509
- Yes.
715
00:40:31,554 --> 00:40:33,514
The metal in my
nose is unnecessary.
716
00:40:33,556 --> 00:40:35,516
The other thing.
717
00:40:35,557 --> 00:40:37,057
- About quitting?
718
00:40:37,101 --> 00:40:38,641
Not being an agent?
719
00:40:41,313 --> 00:40:42,943
I...
720
00:40:44,567 --> 00:40:46,106
I hate your job.
721
00:40:46,777 --> 00:40:48,398
All of it!
722
00:40:48,947 --> 00:40:52,027
The arguments with stupid
people who think they’re smart.
723
00:40:52,074 --> 00:40:53,954
Rita Weiss being
my best friend...
724
00:40:53,992 --> 00:40:55,543
the whole thing.
725
00:40:55,577 --> 00:40:57,367
- But you’re good at it.
726
00:40:57,413 --> 00:40:59,623
- Yeah, well, I’m
good at karaoke, too!
727
00:40:59,666 --> 00:41:01,376
Doesn’t mean I want
to do it for a living.
728
00:41:02,418 --> 00:41:03,958
Look, I...
729
00:41:06,505 --> 00:41:08,916
I don’t know what my thing is.
730
00:41:08,967 --> 00:41:10,507
Maybe I’ll never find my thing,
731
00:41:11,219 --> 00:41:13,889
but I am absolutely
sure that this thing
732
00:41:14,472 --> 00:41:16,021
is not my thing.
733
00:41:17,391 --> 00:41:18,931
I’m really sorry.
734
00:41:25,400 --> 00:41:28,070
- You haven’t heard
from, uh... Susan?
735
00:41:29,445 --> 00:41:30,985
- No.
736
00:41:47,838 --> 00:41:50,759
- Hi! You’ve reached
Susan Ireland.
737
00:41:50,800 --> 00:41:52,639
I’m on a bit of a
sabbatical right now,
738
00:41:52,677 --> 00:41:54,847
so if you need
immediate assistance,
739
00:41:54,887 --> 00:41:58,217
press one. Otherwise,
leave me a message
740
00:41:58,266 --> 00:42:00,175
and roll the dice!
Drink the wine!
741
00:42:00,226 --> 00:42:01,766
Because life is a mystery
742
00:42:01,811 --> 00:42:04,400
and the sun is
only a morning star!
743
00:42:17,869 --> 00:42:19,659
- Damn it, Susan. What
do you want me to say?
744
00:42:20,954 --> 00:42:22,494
I’m sorry.
745
00:42:23,123 --> 00:42:24,753
I’m sorry that you
made it so easy
746
00:42:24,791 --> 00:42:28,342
to laugh at your process, at
your color-coded paperclips.
747
00:42:28,378 --> 00:42:31,628
I am sorry that you
did it so effortlessly
748
00:42:32,257 --> 00:42:34,217
that I forgot how
good you really are.
749
00:42:36,512 --> 00:42:39,141
I’m sorry that this place
just doesn’t seem to run
750
00:42:40,516 --> 00:42:42,596
as good without you.
751
00:42:42,643 --> 00:42:44,983
And, most of all, I am
sorry that I am saying it
752
00:42:45,021 --> 00:42:48,400
to this credenza
instead of your face.
55161
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