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1
00:00:04,404 --> 00:00:05,872
[Baby wailing]
2
00:00:07,241 --> 00:00:08,231
[Hank chuckles]
3
00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:10,504
That's a cute baby, I tell you what.
4
00:00:11,678 --> 00:00:13,612
We're trying to have a baby ourselves.
5
00:00:13,714 --> 00:00:17,617
He doesn't want anyone to know,
so I'm only telling complete strangers.
6
00:00:17,985 --> 00:00:20,647
I might be able to help you out there.
May I?
7
00:00:21,154 --> 00:00:25,387
It's okay. He is the assistant manager
of Strickland Propane.
8
00:00:26,093 --> 00:00:27,618
[Hank sputtering]
9
00:00:27,794 --> 00:00:29,489
[Baby stops wailing]
10
00:00:29,930 --> 00:00:31,420
[Baby gurgling]
11
00:00:32,165 --> 00:00:33,633
[Soothing instrumental music]
12
00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:37,337
[Hank sighing]
13
00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:41,136
There you go, little fella,
for that "new car� smell.
14
00:00:47,247 --> 00:00:49,011
[Theme song]
15
00:01:14,474 --> 00:01:15,839
[Bicycle bell ringing]
16
00:01:16,443 --> 00:01:19,378
PEGGY: "Fill cup to line.� Okay.
17
00:01:20,881 --> 00:01:23,441
[Gentle instrumental music]
18
00:01:25,886 --> 00:01:27,115
Negative.
19
00:01:28,055 --> 00:01:30,046
That's 12 in a row, Hank.
20
00:01:31,391 --> 00:01:34,053
I think it's time we see a fertility specialist.
21
00:01:34,161 --> 00:01:38,826
He's just gonna poke and prod
my naked nethers. No, thank you.
22
00:01:38,999 --> 00:01:40,558
[Solemn instrumental music]
23
00:01:41,702 --> 00:01:45,661
PEGGY: Even if I get Hank to see the
doctor, he refuses to take his pants off.
24
00:01:45,872 --> 00:01:49,103
You don't take your clothes off
at the doctor's anymore, sug'.
25
00:01:49,209 --> 00:01:53,146
Anything they need to see, they do it
with a new machine called an MRI.
26
00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:55,976
Are you sure they can use it
to look at Hank?
27
00:01:56,083 --> 00:01:58,882
They use it for everything.
Heck, it's the same technology...
28
00:01:58,986 --> 00:02:01,148
we use down at the station
to predict the weather.
29
00:02:01,254 --> 00:02:03,188
I thought you used the Doppler radar.
30
00:02:03,490 --> 00:02:04,457
Sug'...
31
00:02:05,392 --> 00:02:07,087
it's the same thing.
32
00:02:07,527 --> 00:02:09,894
PEGGY: It's called an MRI machine.
33
00:02:10,197 --> 00:02:11,858
You get to keep your pants on.
34
00:02:12,065 --> 00:02:16,059
Dangit, Peggy, how could you tell Nancy
we were trying to get pregnant?
35
00:02:16,336 --> 00:02:20,204
We agreed we wouldn't tell anyone.
Including family.
36
00:02:20,841 --> 00:02:22,866
I mean, Nancy's gonna tell Dale and--
37
00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:25,468
Hank, I have been sitting on these eggs
for 40 years.
38
00:02:25,579 --> 00:02:27,240
They are ready to hatch.
39
00:02:30,951 --> 00:02:33,045
PEGGY: We were hoping
advances in medicine...
40
00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:37,556
might help us to overcome the difficulties
caused by Hank's narrow urethra.
41
00:02:39,092 --> 00:02:42,221
HANK: And that these advances
would mean...
42
00:02:42,562 --> 00:02:45,623
you not looking down there.
43
00:02:46,366 --> 00:02:48,425
That won't be necessary, Mr. Hill.
44
00:02:48,535 --> 00:02:50,902
But I do have to
measure your sperm count.
45
00:02:51,038 --> 00:02:53,006
That means we'll need a sample.
46
00:02:54,041 --> 00:02:56,703
Is that something you do
with a local anesthetic...
47
00:02:56,810 --> 00:02:58,904
or will you have to put me under?
48
00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:02,710
No. Ms. Hill, perhaps you could
explain to your husband.
49
00:03:03,083 --> 00:03:04,482
[Peggy whispering]
50
00:03:04,584 --> 00:03:05,608
[Exclaiming]
51
00:03:07,220 --> 00:03:08,244
[Hank stuttering]
52
00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:10,414
HANK: Busy! Occupied!
53
00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:13,425
It's Dr. Bhudamanjur, Mr. Hill.
54
00:03:13,794 --> 00:03:16,320
Perhaps you'd be more comfortable
trying this at home?
55
00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:17,397
HANK: No.
56
00:03:17,497 --> 00:03:19,226
Would you like a magazine?
57
00:03:19,332 --> 00:03:22,324
HANK: Okay. Do you have
Popular Mechanics?
58
00:03:23,603 --> 00:03:26,265
Ms. Hill, what did you tell him exactly?
59
00:03:28,608 --> 00:03:32,545
Mr. Hill, I've got the results
of your sperm count back from the lab.
60
00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:35,905
Come on, big number. Think big number.
61
00:03:36,316 --> 00:03:39,911
The sample you produced
shows a count of 8 million.
62
00:03:40,087 --> 00:03:41,213
[Peggy exclaims]
63
00:03:41,588 --> 00:03:42,612
[Hank chuckling]
64
00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:43,952
You hear that, Peggy?
65
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:48,426
Eight million. It must have taken them
a long time to count it.
66
00:03:49,096 --> 00:03:52,327
Of course, the average man
has a count of 100 million.
67
00:03:53,333 --> 00:03:56,997
Hank, honey, just because you scored
8 million on your sperm test...
68
00:03:57,104 --> 00:04:00,972
does not mean
you did not give 110 million%.
69
00:04:01,641 --> 00:04:03,575
I give you an "A" for effort.
70
00:04:03,677 --> 00:04:04,701
[Sighs]
71
00:04:05,412 --> 00:04:07,972
Research shows that heat lowers fertility.
72
00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:10,550
One way to increase
the number of healthy sperm...
73
00:04:10,650 --> 00:04:12,140
is to lower the temperature.
74
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:14,414
-In the house?
-In your pants.
75
00:04:16,556 --> 00:04:17,853
[Dale stuttering]
76
00:04:17,958 --> 00:04:19,050
Yup.
77
00:04:19,159 --> 00:04:20,126
Yup.
78
00:04:20,293 --> 00:04:21,454
[Boomhauer grunting]
79
00:04:21,561 --> 00:04:22,528
Yup.
80
00:04:23,330 --> 00:04:26,061
All right, Hank. Maybe nobody else
is gonna say anything...
81
00:04:26,166 --> 00:04:28,294
but if we were supposed to
wear shorts today...
82
00:04:28,401 --> 00:04:30,961
I would have appreciated
the courtesy of a phone call.
83
00:04:31,071 --> 00:04:33,768
-Yeah, man, that dang old...
-1, too, am hurt.
84
00:04:33,907 --> 00:04:36,069
All right, I didn't mean to upset you.
85
00:04:36,176 --> 00:04:39,806
I just found out
that my jeans are in the wash.
86
00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:41,806
Now, who's ready?
87
00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:45,475
[Cans clanking]
88
00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:47,513
[Birds chirping]
89
00:04:47,821 --> 00:04:51,951
You know, I'm feeling kind of overheated
myself. Scoot over, would you, Hank?
90
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:57,855
Just so you know,
I'm willing to drink beer you sat on.
91
00:04:58,231 --> 00:05:00,461
I'm just not willing to reach for it.
92
00:05:00,567 --> 00:05:01,534
[Whirring]
93
00:05:04,337 --> 00:05:06,533
What are you doing
sitting in a wind tunnel, Hank?
94
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,301
You got the prickly heats?
95
00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:12,806
No, sir. Just drying the ink on
all the sales orders I wrote this morning.
96
00:05:13,246 --> 00:05:14,941
Just trying to be polite, son.
97
00:05:15,048 --> 00:05:17,847
I saw the insurance forms
from your weenie doctor.
98
00:05:18,718 --> 00:05:21,585
Those forms
were supposed to be confidential.
99
00:05:21,688 --> 00:05:24,214
And employees
are supposed to wear pants.
100
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:25,917
But I won't tell if you don't.
101
00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:30,820
HANK: Thanks for the tune-up, Earl.
So how are you fixed for propane?
102
00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:34,333
I'm good. Say, I wanted to ask you.
103
00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:36,734
Let's see. How should I put this?
104
00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,737
You ever heard the song Peaches?
105
00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:41,774
Let's see.
I might be able to fake my way through it.
106
00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:43,376
[Hank grunts hesitantly]
107
00:05:43,577 --> 00:05:45,045
[Hank singing]
108
00:05:46,813 --> 00:05:48,611
EARL: No, that's not the reason I asked.
109
00:05:48,715 --> 00:05:51,047
I was thinking about a way
to get your count up.
110
00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:53,744
Oh, God! Was Buck Strickland in here?
111
00:05:53,854 --> 00:05:56,448
EARL: No, but the gal
who cuts his hair was.
112
00:05:56,857 --> 00:06:01,317
Truth be told, Hank, my count used to be
9 million. Almost as low as yours.
113
00:06:01,428 --> 00:06:04,295
But the thing that worked for me
was peaches.
114
00:06:04,464 --> 00:06:05,898
I don't know.
115
00:06:05,999 --> 00:06:08,434
Soak yourself in peaches
three times a day, Hank.
116
00:06:08,535 --> 00:06:10,025
-Well--
-Peaches.
117
00:06:10,136 --> 00:06:12,264
[Pensive instrumental music]
118
00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:17,470
-Well, what did the test say?
-We won't know for another 20 seconds.
119
00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:21,473
But no matter what the result,
I don't blame you.
120
00:06:22,549 --> 00:06:24,483
Sperm counts are dropping
all over the world.
121
00:06:24,584 --> 00:06:28,680
And I don't blame you for that, either.
Hank, we've both worked very hard.
122
00:06:28,822 --> 00:06:32,554
And I could feel we're getting closer,
honey. It is within our grasp and--
123
00:06:32,659 --> 00:06:34,286
That's 20 seconds.
124
00:06:39,466 --> 00:06:40,456
[Sighs despondently]
125
00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:41,693
Negative.
126
00:06:41,801 --> 00:06:43,394
[Doorbell rings]
127
00:06:47,007 --> 00:06:48,771
HANK: Dad, what are you doing here?
128
00:06:48,875 --> 00:06:51,901
You didn't talk to
Buck Strickland's hair stylist, too, did you?
129
00:06:52,012 --> 00:06:55,676
Not in two years.
Thought I'd drop by for a surprise visit.
130
00:06:56,016 --> 00:06:57,711
-Hey, Hank's wife.
-Cotton.
131
00:06:57,918 --> 00:06:59,977
Didi woman, hurry up with my bags.
132
00:07:00,287 --> 00:07:01,777
[Didi groaning]
133
00:07:03,790 --> 00:07:05,758
[Soft instrumental music]
134
00:07:07,127 --> 00:07:10,062
She ain't fat. I gots her knocked up.
135
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:14,392
[Cotton slurping]
136
00:07:14,501 --> 00:07:18,631
We was using four layers of protection
and my men still got through.
137
00:07:19,372 --> 00:07:21,670
Please, Dad, there's a child present.
138
00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:24,745
She's my wife, Hank.
She was there when it happened.
139
00:07:25,011 --> 00:07:26,809
Ain't that right, baby cakes?
140
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,442
If you say so, Cotton.
141
00:07:30,750 --> 00:07:33,219
This is such exciting news.
142
00:07:33,353 --> 00:07:35,879
I am very excited now.
143
00:07:36,423 --> 00:07:39,723
You know, at your age, Cotton,
having a child will be such a blessing.
144
00:07:39,826 --> 00:07:41,225
If it's a boy.
145
00:07:41,328 --> 00:07:43,922
Dad, I think what Peggy's saying is...
146
00:07:44,030 --> 00:07:47,967
that it's not very often
that a man of 75 fathers a child.
147
00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:52,266
-I mean, when the boy's 18, you'll be--
-I'll be dead. Pass the beans.
148
00:07:53,273 --> 00:07:56,106
My sources tell me
that Hank's the problem.
149
00:07:56,209 --> 00:07:59,440
It's very hush-hush.
Even his own daddy don't know.
150
00:07:59,612 --> 00:08:01,740
Man, you don't hear it from me, man.
151
00:08:01,848 --> 00:08:04,613
Dang old reliable source,
Dr. Rhada Budamatahara, man...
152
00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:07,619
talking about
that dang old chilly willie, man.
153
00:08:07,954 --> 00:08:12,221
-Good God! Have you gotten fatter, fatty?
-Sir, yes, sir.
154
00:08:12,425 --> 00:08:15,395
Colonel, let me be
the first to congratulate you...
155
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:18,021
on the impregnation of Hank's stepmother.
156
00:08:18,131 --> 00:08:19,098
Bingo.
157
00:08:19,199 --> 00:08:22,965
Just think, Hank. If your doctor
helps you and Peggy get pregnant...
158
00:08:23,069 --> 00:08:26,039
your baby and Cotton's baby
can play together.
159
00:08:26,272 --> 00:08:29,731
Damn it, Bill!
So, Dad, you must be pretty happy...
160
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:32,278
about them executing
that woman in Huntsville.
161
00:08:32,379 --> 00:08:35,007
Hank, has you been
having trouble baby making?
162
00:08:35,148 --> 00:08:36,047
No.
163
00:08:36,149 --> 00:08:38,777
Is it 'cause of that skinny pipe
in your thingy?
164
00:08:38,885 --> 00:08:41,980
We're not having any trouble.
These things take time.
165
00:08:42,088 --> 00:08:45,353
I ain't got a narra uretee.
He gets that from his mother.
166
00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:49,890
Mine's so damn wide
I could pass the child myself if I had to.
167
00:08:49,996 --> 00:08:51,555
[Dale guffawing]
168
00:08:53,833 --> 00:08:56,131
[Mischievous instrumental music]
169
00:09:11,284 --> 00:09:13,013
DIDI: Peggy. this is very nice of you.
170
00:09:13,119 --> 00:09:16,248
But I just feel awkward
letting my stepdaughter buy me a crib.
171
00:09:16,356 --> 00:09:18,256
No. We want to.
172
00:09:18,358 --> 00:09:21,851
It's our gift to you
because we're so happy for you.
173
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:24,724
HANK: Yeah, I think you've mentioned that,
Peggy.
174
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:30,025
SALESWOMAN: Mrs. Peggy Hill,
nice to see you again. Still just looking?
175
00:09:30,203 --> 00:09:32,638
Yes, I mean, no.
176
00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:35,537
Actually, we are here today to buy a crib.
177
00:09:35,642 --> 00:09:38,202
My Lord! Congratulations!
178
00:09:38,478 --> 00:09:42,938
I knew you could do it, mister.
And you're already showing.
179
00:09:43,049 --> 00:09:44,175
What?
180
00:09:45,385 --> 00:09:46,910
Gather round, expectant fathers.
181
00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:50,183
Our free diaper-changing seminar
is now beginning.
182
00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:54,587
[Dramatic instrumental music]
183
00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:00,629
[Snarling]
184
00:10:04,404 --> 00:10:06,395
[Epic instrumental music]
185
00:10:12,879 --> 00:10:14,142
[Yelling]
186
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:16,173
[Spring squeaking]
187
00:10:24,324 --> 00:10:25,655
[Screaming]
188
00:10:26,559 --> 00:10:27,651
[Cotton muttering]
189
00:10:27,894 --> 00:10:29,953
Didi woman, I need a drink.
190
00:10:32,899 --> 00:10:34,094
[Pleasant instrumental music]
191
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:36,362
COTTON: I didn't plan for this.
192
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:38,764
You think I planned for this?
193
00:10:38,872 --> 00:10:40,271
[Sputtering]
194
00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:41,804
You know how it is.
195
00:10:41,908 --> 00:10:45,811
You dim the lights, put a little
Andrews Sisters on the phonograph and...
196
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:48,580
You likes the Andrews Sisters, Bobby?
197
00:10:48,681 --> 00:10:50,843
Likes them? I loves them.
198
00:10:50,950 --> 00:10:52,384
[Bobby burps]
199
00:10:52,552 --> 00:10:53,747
Next thing you know...
200
00:10:53,853 --> 00:10:56,515
your grandmammy's
got a biscuit in her oven!
201
00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:58,988
[Cotton sighing]
202
00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:01,186
I'm too old to be having babies.
203
00:11:01,361 --> 00:11:03,261
We both are, mister.
204
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:05,897
Your daddy's the right age
to be having babies.
205
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:09,629
Poor Hank and Hank's wife.
They want another baby real bad.
206
00:11:09,736 --> 00:11:10,760
[Gasps]
207
00:11:10,870 --> 00:11:12,235
-They do?
-Yeah.
208
00:11:12,338 --> 00:11:14,670
They flew a doctor in from Calcutta.
209
00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:17,242
Maybe he'll find a way
to get you a baby brother.
210
00:11:17,343 --> 00:11:19,812
A brother. Baby brother.
211
00:11:20,313 --> 00:11:21,974
[Bobby snickering]
212
00:11:22,582 --> 00:11:25,142
Mom and Dad are gonna have another kid?
213
00:11:25,952 --> 00:11:28,751
I guess they wanna get it right this time.
214
00:11:31,558 --> 00:11:33,617
[Lively instrumental music]
215
00:11:38,097 --> 00:11:40,156
Dad, are you busy?
216
00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:42,769
No, son.
217
00:11:43,236 --> 00:11:47,639
Just checking the percentage
of man-made fibers in these fuel filters.
218
00:11:48,808 --> 00:11:50,902
Yup, it's 30%.
219
00:11:51,277 --> 00:11:53,075
That's very interesting.
220
00:11:53,179 --> 00:11:56,012
You know,
I'm very interested in things like that.
221
00:11:58,918 --> 00:11:59,976
[Bobby sighing]
222
00:12:00,086 --> 00:12:03,420
Okay, then it's settled,
you and Mom won't have another baby.
223
00:12:03,523 --> 00:12:04,615
[Hank gasps]
224
00:12:04,791 --> 00:12:08,318
-How did you find out about that?
-Grandpa told me at the bar.
225
00:12:08,895 --> 00:12:10,124
It's not fair.
226
00:12:10,396 --> 00:12:14,094
If I knew this could happen,
I'd have worked harder over the years.
227
00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:17,629
You know, exercised,
cut back on the fruit pies...
228
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:20,468
gotten a few "B's" to raise my average.
229
00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:23,440
This isn't because you're not good enough.
You're great.
230
00:12:23,543 --> 00:12:25,511
And two of you will be twice as great.
231
00:12:25,612 --> 00:12:29,549
The only reason I look so good
is 'cause there's no competition.
232
00:12:30,149 --> 00:12:33,710
You have another kid,
and I'll look like a failure.
233
00:12:33,820 --> 00:12:35,481
[Sentimental instrumental music]
234
00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:37,613
Believe me, Bobby, you're not the one...
235
00:12:37,724 --> 00:12:40,853
who should be worried about
looking like a failure.
236
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,292
You're not in competition with anybody.
237
00:12:43,730 --> 00:12:44,754
Didi: Hank! Hank!
238
00:12:45,231 --> 00:12:48,462
-Cotton's missing. He's run away.
�What? Are you sure?
239
00:12:48,668 --> 00:12:51,899
Yes. He had me load his bags
into the Cadillac car.
240
00:12:52,372 --> 00:12:55,239
Peggy, my dad got out.
We gotta go find him.
241
00:12:56,376 --> 00:13:00,711
Dad, "Miss Arlen Hostess
Swimsuit Competition.�
242
00:13:01,014 --> 00:13:02,504
Maybe Grandpa's in there.
243
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:04,105
Good thinking, son.
244
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:08,050
HANK: Check the parking lot
for your grandpa's Cadillac.
245
00:13:08,154 --> 00:13:09,246
Okay.
246
00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:13,858
Look at him, Peggy. Look at him run.
247
00:13:14,260 --> 00:13:16,627
Makes you realize what a blessing he is.
248
00:13:17,063 --> 00:13:18,724
PEGGY: He is our miracle child.
249
00:13:18,831 --> 00:13:23,029
Exactly. And it'd be awfully greedy of us
to expect a second miracle.
250
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:27,604
So you can see the only sensible thing
to do is to stop trying to get pregnant.
251
00:13:27,707 --> 00:13:28,674
What?
252
00:13:28,775 --> 00:13:30,174
Hank, I know you are frustrated...
253
00:13:30,276 --> 00:13:32,438
and I know you look dopey in short pants...
254
00:13:32,545 --> 00:13:34,980
but we've both worked too hard
to give up now.
255
00:13:35,081 --> 00:13:38,642
We? What have you done?
I've been sitting in an igloo.
256
00:13:38,751 --> 00:13:41,083
You think I like to see that
out my kitchen window?
257
00:13:41,187 --> 00:13:45,124
Well, if you wanna keep trying,
you can keep trying by yourself.
258
00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:48,522
[Peggy gasps]
259
00:13:50,296 --> 00:13:52,321
What did they say at the police station?
260
00:13:52,432 --> 00:13:57,268
Okay. Grandpa Hill is not a missing person
until he's gone for 48 hours.
261
00:13:58,004 --> 00:14:01,531
But this really nice policeman
gave me his home phone number.
262
00:14:02,742 --> 00:14:05,905
I'm probably not gonna be able to
help you look any more tonight.
263
00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:08,177
Any calls, Didi?
264
00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:12,649
Just one. But I let the machine get it
because I didn't want to tie up the line.
265
00:14:12,819 --> 00:14:13,843
[Beeps]
266
00:14:13,953 --> 00:14:17,412
COTTON: It's me. I hope you ain't out
looking for me 'cause if you are...
267
00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:20,185
you ain't gonna find me
and I ain't coming back.
268
00:14:20,426 --> 00:14:25,023
Hank, I need you to raise Didi's baby
and Didj.
269
00:14:25,598 --> 00:14:26,793
[Answering machine beeps]
270
00:14:26,899 --> 00:14:29,925
Dangit! He could be anywhere from Arlen
to who knows where.
271
00:14:30,036 --> 00:14:31,367
Dad!
272
00:14:31,471 --> 00:14:35,271
We can use star 69
and find out where he called from.
273
00:14:35,775 --> 00:14:37,265
[Phone ringing]
274
00:14:38,244 --> 00:14:39,336
MAN: Yeah.
275
00:14:39,846 --> 00:14:41,678
Hello? Who is this, please?
276
00:14:41,781 --> 00:14:43,545
-Who's this?
-This is Hank Hill.
277
00:14:43,649 --> 00:14:44,844
Yeah.
278
00:14:44,951 --> 00:14:48,683
-Where am I calling?
-I'm at the corner of Sierra and Flamingo.
279
00:14:48,788 --> 00:14:52,053
-Sierra. Is that Dallas?
-It's Vegas, Hank.
280
00:14:52,859 --> 00:14:55,726
Well, that just tears it. He's in Las Vegas.
281
00:14:56,462 --> 00:14:58,157
Pretty smart of me, huh, Mom?
282
00:14:58,431 --> 00:15:02,629
I doubt some little baby
would know how to dial star 69.
283
00:15:05,204 --> 00:15:08,834
HANK: All right, if I drive all night,
I can get to Vegas by the morning.
284
00:15:09,041 --> 00:15:12,272
-I'll call you when I've found a motel.
-You bring him back, Hank.
285
00:15:12,378 --> 00:15:16,281
That little ferret thinks he can have it all.
A child and a Vegas trip.
286
00:15:16,382 --> 00:15:18,282
Well, I didn't get either this year.
287
00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:21,581
Bobby, I'm gonna need you
to be the man of the house while I'm gone.
288
00:15:21,687 --> 00:15:24,019
Sure, Dad, I'll be the man of the house...
289
00:15:24,123 --> 00:15:27,923
while still fulfilling my duties
as the child of the house.
290
00:15:28,227 --> 00:15:31,527
Hank, my stepson,
Cotton is small and sneaky.
291
00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:33,327
How will you ever find him?
292
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:35,697
DALE: I'll tell you how he'll ever find him.
293
00:15:35,968 --> 00:15:40,530
With the finest mail order surveillance
equipment the Libyans have to offer.
294
00:15:40,907 --> 00:15:42,170
Not now, Dale.
295
00:15:42,375 --> 00:15:43,433
Couldn't hear you, Hank.
296
00:15:43,543 --> 00:15:46,877
But if you are asking if I am
a licensed professional bounty hunter...
297
00:15:46,979 --> 00:15:49,880
I think this hat speaks for itself.
298
00:15:50,016 --> 00:15:53,042
Well, all right,
I guess I could use some help driving.
299
00:15:53,753 --> 00:15:57,656
Maybe we can put that thing to some use
and sing karaoke to stay awake.
300
00:15:58,658 --> 00:16:00,854
DIDI: Adios.
PEGGY: Drive careful.
301
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,019
[Lively instrumental music]
302
00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:05,461
[Tires screeching]
303
00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:08,734
[Grunts]
304
00:16:11,037 --> 00:16:12,232
[Bill groaning]
305
00:16:12,338 --> 00:16:14,500
[Cheerful instrumental music]
306
00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:24,715
[Hank and Bill singing]
307
00:16:31,257 --> 00:16:32,588
BILL: Are we there yet?
308
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:34,884
[Upbeat instrumental music]
309
00:16:41,934 --> 00:16:46,269
All right. Now, if we're gonna find him
we need to think like my dad would think.
310
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:51,803
DALE: Eight topless bars and no Cotton.
311
00:16:51,911 --> 00:16:55,006
'Course you'd be a lot more help
if you'd open your eyes, Hank.
312
00:16:55,281 --> 00:16:57,511
Hank, I'm in love.
313
00:16:57,617 --> 00:17:01,178
That was the finest deep-dish pizza
I ever tasted.
314
00:17:03,789 --> 00:17:07,191
HANK: The Andrews Sisters?
I didn't know they were still alive.
315
00:17:07,293 --> 00:17:08,727
They're my dad's favorite.
316
00:17:10,229 --> 00:17:11,628
['50s pop music]
317
00:17:11,731 --> 00:17:14,530
[Bill and Dale singing along with artists]
318
00:17:21,807 --> 00:17:24,435
Thank you, Las Vegas, and good night.
319
00:17:26,445 --> 00:17:28,914
HANK: Excuse me, ladies.
That was just wonderful.
320
00:17:29,015 --> 00:17:31,006
My dad has all your records.
321
00:17:31,117 --> 00:17:35,782
And I wonder, coincidentally,
if he might have been in here tonight.
322
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:36,878
SINGER: Mm-hmm.
323
00:17:36,989 --> 00:17:40,050
He was here.
That little firecracker grabbed my rear.
324
00:17:41,093 --> 00:17:43,027
He does like the ladies.
325
00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:47,689
Right. So when he figured out I wasn't
really a sister, he started breaking plates.
326
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,234
They threw him out.
327
00:17:49,335 --> 00:17:50,325
[Gasping in horror]
328
00:17:52,772 --> 00:17:57,334
Excuse me, folks. Have any of you seen
an older man about yea high...
329
00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:59,569
possibly shouting obscenities?
330
00:17:59,879 --> 00:18:01,847
Welcome to my world, pal.
331
00:18:02,181 --> 00:18:03,615
[Men complaining]
332
00:18:07,186 --> 00:18:09,120
[Energetic instrumental music]
333
00:18:28,574 --> 00:18:30,133
[Horse neighing]
334
00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:34,774
[Building exploding]
335
00:18:42,588 --> 00:18:43,885
[Clicking]
336
00:18:45,791 --> 00:18:48,158
Don't stand too close
to the machines, Hank.
337
00:18:48,260 --> 00:18:51,594
The electromagnetic fields
could defertilize you.
338
00:18:51,697 --> 00:18:55,224
That's nonsense, Dale.
And, anyway, Peggy and I have decided...
339
00:18:55,334 --> 00:18:58,998
to stop trying for another baby,
not that it's any of your business.
340
00:18:59,505 --> 00:19:03,806
Jeez, Hank, you shouldn't give up.
I mean, if your dad can have a baby--
341
00:19:03,909 --> 00:19:06,708
This has got nothing to do with my dad.
342
00:19:06,912 --> 00:19:09,108
You know what?
I'm tired. I want to be alone.
343
00:19:09,215 --> 00:19:11,741
Why don't you guys
go check the poker tables?
344
00:19:11,917 --> 00:19:12,884
[Dale grunts]
345
00:19:13,019 --> 00:19:15,420
[People chattering in background]
346
00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:19,387
ELVIS IMPERSONATOR: Wonderful.
Thank you very much.
347
00:19:20,226 --> 00:19:22,126
BARTENDER: What will you have?
HANK: Beer.
348
00:19:22,561 --> 00:19:24,256
BARTENDER: Heineken--
HANK: American.
349
00:19:28,934 --> 00:19:32,029
Say, do you allow children in the casino?
350
00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:34,105
BARTENDER: No way. No one under 21.
351
00:19:34,807 --> 00:19:36,138
Huh.
352
00:19:38,444 --> 00:19:40,139
[People chattering]
353
00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:44,544
Hello, Dad.
354
00:19:44,650 --> 00:19:48,018
Don't you unstrap me. I ain't going back.
You can't make me.
355
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:51,317
I didn't come here to bring you back.
I just came to let you know...
356
00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:55,793
that I'll look in on Didi,
and the baby, and the new husband.
357
00:19:55,895 --> 00:19:57,488
What? Who is it?
358
00:19:57,697 --> 00:20:00,894
I forget his name.
Terry or Jerry or something like that.
359
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,332
I think he's a dancer at Chippendales.
360
00:20:03,469 --> 00:20:05,995
Give me his address. I'll gut him.
361
00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:11,109
Dad, I just made him up.
But you see how worked up you got?
362
00:20:12,011 --> 00:20:14,241
You still love Didi. Now come on home.
363
00:20:14,346 --> 00:20:15,404
[Cotton exclaims]
364
00:20:15,514 --> 00:20:17,608
I was going back anyway.
365
00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:21,119
Got to find me Mr. Terry-Jerry
and gut him up good.
366
00:20:22,455 --> 00:20:24,480
Did you get what's her name
knocked up yet?
367
00:20:24,590 --> 00:20:26,422
No, we've...
368
00:20:27,426 --> 00:20:29,520
I've decided not to have another child.
369
00:20:29,628 --> 00:20:31,995
The whole idea's upset Bobby too much.
370
00:20:32,264 --> 00:20:33,959
I always knew you was a quitter.
371
00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:36,160
You're the one
who always flips up the board...
372
00:20:36,268 --> 00:20:38,168
when you're losing to me at checkers.
373
00:20:38,270 --> 00:20:42,173
I never lost to you.
And we haven't played checkers in years.
374
00:20:42,508 --> 00:20:43,532
[Cotton exclaims]
375
00:20:43,642 --> 00:20:48,375
I get it. I got Didi pregnant,
and you can't with Hank's wife.
376
00:20:48,881 --> 00:20:50,713
So you're flipping up the board.
377
00:20:50,816 --> 00:20:53,979
Yeah, that's right. I'm giving up.
You win. You happy?
378
00:20:55,020 --> 00:20:57,682
Hank, you ain't in competition with me.
379
00:20:58,224 --> 00:21:02,183
Hell, if it's a contest
on who's the better daddy, you win!
380
00:21:03,062 --> 00:21:06,623
I mean, you made Bobby.
All I made was you.
381
00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:08,968
Thanks, Dad.
382
00:21:09,435 --> 00:21:13,895
But what if I keep trying,
and, you know, it doesn't happen?
383
00:21:14,006 --> 00:21:17,271
Well, then, you had the fun of trying, boy.
384
00:21:17,910 --> 00:21:22,108
- I gots to have that talk with you.
-Sounds good, Dad. Let's go.
385
00:21:22,214 --> 00:21:25,741
Hold on, Hank.
Nobody knows you found me yet.
386
00:21:26,218 --> 00:21:29,449
What do you say you and me
have some fun tonight in Vegas?
387
00:21:30,022 --> 00:21:31,183
[Grunts hesitantly]
388
00:21:31,323 --> 00:21:32,449
Sure. Okay.
389
00:21:33,392 --> 00:21:34,757
Eight the hard way.
390
00:21:34,894 --> 00:21:36,362
[Jovial instrumental music]
391
00:21:36,462 --> 00:21:38,089
Three craps. You lose.
392
00:21:38,197 --> 00:21:39,323
What?
393
00:21:39,832 --> 00:21:41,322
HANK: No, Dad!
394
00:21:41,433 --> 00:21:42,696
[Cotton yelling]
395
00:21:43,169 --> 00:21:44,136
[Cotton yelling]
396
00:21:45,204 --> 00:21:46,501
COTTON: That was practice.
397
00:21:52,044 --> 00:21:53,773
[Theme song]
398
00:22:21,907 --> 00:22:22,897
[Hank stuttering]
399
00:22:23,008 --> 00:22:24,669
HANK: Busy! Occupied!
400
00:22:24,719 --> 00:22:29,269
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