All language subtitles for Tara.Mills.Life.After.Loss.2023.1080p.WEBRip.x264-CBFM

This programme contains scenes which
some viewers may find upsetting
and deals with suicide.

CHATTER

It's 5am, and I've joined a large
crowd at Belfast's Ormeau Park

for the Darkness Into Light event,

a charity walk for those impacted
by suicide and self-harm.

People go through dark times.

We all go through dark times.

But this is the symbolism of
Darkness Into Light -

the darkness does pass.

Somebody wrote on one of the
banners, "Hope - it means hold on.

"Pain ends."
That's something to remember.

You've got to hold on.
It will pass. The pain will end.

15 years ago, my brother Richard
died by suicide.

It had a devastating impact
on me and my family

and isn't something I've discussed
publicly in great detail, until now.

I think suicidal death
is one of the worst deaths,

because it's the unknown
and the why.

I can see family members here,

I can see people here who have been
on the road of darkness

and they've come out the other side.

It's a great thing, a yearly thing,
but it's great for raising awareness

and letting people know it's OK,
you can talk.

You know, you don't have
to put this all onto yourself.

In this documentary, I'm going
to tell my brother's story,

to share my experiences with others
who've been affected

and explore what's being done
to prevent suicide

here in Northern Ireland.

MUSIC: No More Heroes
by The Stranglers

# Whatever happened
to Leon Trotsky? #

These are actually
Richard's old records,

all boxed away for many years.

I have not seen these
since I was a child.

It's unbelievable how a record
can just transport you back in time,

that kind of memory of a point
in time in your childhood.

He was a huge kind of
Sex Pistols, Stiff Little Fingers,

The Clash, The Stranglers -
loved his punk, absolutely.

And, you know, I was sort of
six, seven, eight,

being bombarded with this music...

LAUGHS
..all day, every day, basically!

You know, I'd be banging the wall,
going, "Turn it down!"

There are a number of reasons that
I wanted to make this documentary.

I think the first one is the fact
that male suicide

is still so prevalent,

the biggest killer of men
under the age of 50.

And when you think about that,

you know, when you think of all the
other diseases there are out there -

you know, heart attack,
stroke, cancer -

but people taking their own lives
is the biggest killer,

and, you know, is there some way
to examine that?

And I've always sort of felt that if
you could just get people to pause

just for a second, an hour a week,

just to think about some alternative
to suicide.

MUSIC: Alternative Ulster
by Stiff Little Fingers

Another big reason
for making the documentary

is about my nephew,
Richard's son Finn.

So, he was five when Richard died
and he doesn't really remember him.

And, I mean, we all remember him
as a child, that nought-to-five,

and how close Richard
and Finn's relationship was

and how much he adored him.

And it's so sad to hear Finn say
that he doesn't remember his dad.

He's just got the odd little
kind of snapshot.

He's now almost 20,

so I think it's nice to have
a real sense of the person

that his dad was.

MUSIC GETS LOUDER

Turn it up, then?

SHE LAUGHS

I can just see him dancing to it!

That's so funny.

Definitely transports you back.

# They just want money
We can take or leave it

# What we need

# Is an alternative Ulster. #

Alfie McCrory is a Belfast
community worker

who I've known
for more than 15 years.

Not long after my brother died,
Alfie also lost his son, Alfred.

When I got that phone call that day,
my whole life just caved in.

He comes to this bench to remember
him and his other young son,

who died shortly after childbirth.

The day before Alfred died,
I was driving up the Shankill

and he came out of one of
the local clubs...

And he waved at me and says,
"Hiya, Dad. See you later."

And that was OK and I didn't think
anything of it,

didn't see any signs,
and then I got a phone call...

I was over in
the Ballymac Youth Club,

in the Lower Newtownards Road,

and I got a phone call to say,
"You need to get to Alfred's house.

"The police is at it.
Something's happening."

And I knew right away.
I knew... I had a gut feeling

something was wrong.

And people say, don't they -

and you'll have heard this
many times -

people who are in a dark place say,

"Oh, they'd be better off
without me."

You know, "The family would be
better off without me.

"I'm a burden."

I mean, it's the thing that is
the biggest lie in all of this,

isn't it, the impact that it has?

Well, to me, it's a myth,
because...if Alfred had

or is looking down on us and seen
the love that was there for him,

and if he had took a step back,

or had he went out
and went down the road to his mates

or went somewhere else
and stood back for five minutes,

he probably would have
still been here today

because...I keep wondering...

He would have been 42 now,
and I keep wondering

what he would've been like,
how many kids he would've had

and what kind of person
he would have turned into.

But when that happens...

And I do appreciate people
who get into the dark age and say,

"Oh, my family will be better off
without me,

"I'm a burden to them and all."
But that's... that's not true.

Yet, tragically,
just a few months ago,

Alfie also lost his
13-year-old granddaughter.

In the two or three weeks
after I lost my granddaughter,

I was getting phone calls
from other families,

worried about their teenage kids,

boys and girls around the same age
as my granddaughter.

And I was inundated
with phone calls

and people stopping me,
even walking down the road -

"Can I see you a wee minute?
Can you give me advice?

"What's the best thing to do?"

Nobody thinks that
it'll come to their door.

And the biggest thing
that sticks in my mind,

14 years on and even 12 weeks on,
is the word, "Why?"

It's not how they done it
or where they done it,

it's why they done it.

That's a question I've asked myself
over the past 15 years, too -

a question I'll never be able
to answer.

Richard was my big brother,
four years older than me.

We grew up with a shared love
of the news, and it's no surprise

we both ended up working
in the media.

At the time of his death, he was
an award-winning war photographer

working for The Times in London.

Some of the most startling images
over the last 12 months

were mock-ups, video grabs,
pictures taken by soldiers

and people pretending
to be soldiers.

There have been many unforgettable
pictures which have adorned

our newspapers in 2004.

But equally, there are many whose
content we would like to forget.

He was always striving
for the ultimate picture.

This one...of the little girl,

and there's a bullet hole
in the glass

and her eye's up against the hole
where the shattered glass

has gone through.

And there's one just straight
afterwards of a little boy.

It wasn't just about the picture,

it was about the relationship with
the person he was photographing.

And he was very good at that.

He had the charm and the wit
and put people at their ease

and would get great stories
that way as well.

So he was a proper photojournalist
in that sense.

This photo of a young girl
in Zimbabwe had a major impact

when it was published.

Over the years, it's had
a lasting impression on me, too.

This girl had a very unusual
skin cancer condition,

but she was very poor.

There was no medical assistance
available in Zimbabwe

for her community.

And they took this picture.

It went on the front page
of The Times,

but there was something about her
and that story

that definitely affected him.

Richard was working in Zimbabwe
when he died,

the remote location adding
to the confusion and shock

at the time of his death,

so it's a country
that's always been on my mind.

I suppose I'm just interested
to know what it was about Zimbabwe

that affected him so deeply.

I suppose there's maybe always
been a sense of restlessness in me

that...I don't really know
what that place is like.

It's not somewhere
I've ever visited.

And there are still people there
that knew him and worked with him.

So, I just would love
to have a better understanding

of what that was like for him.

When Richard died back in 2008,

it wasn't just his death
but the manner of his death

that impacted our family -

attitudes then very different
to now.

Draperstown was once known as
the suicide capital of Mid Ulster -

that is, until a community group
of dedicated volunteers

decided to do something about it.

And why was it important for you
to get involved, Margaret?

It was important because
I lost a son to suicide.

And...

..I suppose if there would
have been more help, that's...

..23 come, 23 years come.

There was no help at all.
That wasn't even talked about.

So...

And got to meet
a lot of people

that were in the same boat
as ourselves, so...

So, I've lost a cousin
on both sides.

So, Aidan was 23
and Ronan was almost 28.

And the only thing that changed...

Ronan died in 2000,
Aidan died in 2008,

and the only thing
that changed in that time

was that people had stopped
being as shocked.

So no help, no support, but people
weren't as shocked any more,

people were nearly numb to it.

And then, like, without it...
STEPS started in 2012,

and if it hadn't got started -
and I can categorically say it -

my daughter tried to take
her own life

and she wouldn't be here.
She would not be here,

only that I knew the experience
and I knew who to turn to

and I knew that she had
to be watched.

And she's now mother
to three children.

And what age was she, whenever
that happened? She was 19. Yeah.

In some ways, maybe,
people living in a city think

that you know everybody
in a rural community,

nobody locks their door
and everybody can just pop in. Yes.

And, again, that's
the picture perfect.

But what goes with that is
everybody can know your business.

SHE LAUGHS

So there is pros for it, in that
everybody can feel connected,

but if you're quite
a private person,

it can feel quite suffocating.

Realising that life is worth living.

That's really for children
and for schools

and for parents, for everybody,

to realise that...talking about it
doesn't make suicide happen.

It's the complete opposite.
By talking about how you get help

before you reach the point where
you think you've got nobody left

that can help you, that's where
all the vital work comes.

We've had over 25,000 people
through our classes.

Our counselling service set up
in December 2016

because our local GP, the waiting
list was one to two years.

And initially, we just took
their waiting list,

and once we had it
at a manageable level,

then we discovered that, actually,
younger people was a huge issue.

And we've now to date seen
over 620 people

from 48 different towns
and villages.

We counsel the five days week
and the five evenings a week

and we still have a waiting list.

What astonishes me is
the huge number of people

that have used the counselling
service, so the demand is there,

but you've done that yourselves,

just through raising money
in the local community.

You haven't had any government
support up to this point. No.

Well, people have fundraised for us,
and that's what keeps us going.

I feel Draperstown now own STEPS.

Like, STEPS, the community
actually took ownership of it,

and that's what makes it
so successful -

because it matters to everybody.

STEPS has transformed
local attitudes

to suicide and mental health,

when 15 years ago, it was barely
even talked about.

I can relate to that. It's difficult
for families to deal with the shock,

let alone the grief.

I love coming up in here,
just to see them all. Mmm.

The focus there,
or the...focus about here,

and then just concentrating on that.
Warrior ethos. Incredible.

I know, it's funny
cos the 20 years...

It's the 20th anniversary now
of Iraq.

Yeah. That was really the first
big gig he did, wasn't it, really?

I don't know why that one
always kind of strikes me.

Which one's that?

Oh, yeah. Oh, it's
a very memorable photograph,

but it's really unusual as well.

Well, you notice, he was always
focusing on the eyes.

Yeah, definitely. ..and that one
there is a big example of it. Yeah.

And they say the eye
is the mirror of the soul. Yeah.

So he was looking
right inside people.

This, I think, is the main problem
Richard had.

He had witnessed so much of
man's inhumanity to man,

whether it was natural disasters
like the Pakistani earthquake

or Mugabe in Zimbabwe
or the carry-on in the Middle East,

in Afghanistan and what have you.

I mean, he saw the worst
of human nature.

I'm quite convinced
he was suffering from PTSD.

Without a shadow of a doubt. Cos
I don't think anybody... Absolutely.

..was aware of that.
There's two things you ask yourself.

One is, "Why?"

Why did this happen?

Why did he do this?

And the second is...

.."What if?"

It's 15 years, nearly,
since Richard took his own life.

And in that time,
I still haven't got over the shock.

Does it still kind of catch you
that, you know,

that he died through suicide,
by suicide?

Do you still have days? Oh, yes.
Because it does me.

I definitely go and can't - still
can't - quite believe it. Yeah.

Things that you remember
and you recall

and you hold on to them
because those are dear,

those are happy moments.

You know, there are sad moments
as well

that you regret.

But you try to forget about them.

You know, the "What if?" and the
"Why" are the two kind of questions.

And I suppose that's the same
for anybody

who's lost a family member
through suicide.

I just wonder, you know, do you ever
talk to anybody about that?

Or how have you kind of got through
the last 15 years?

Cos it doesn't seem
that we talk about it that much.

We talk about HIM a lot,

but we don't talk about
the circumstances very much.

No, well, I mean, I...

If somebody wants to talk to me,
they can talk to me.

I haven't been known to be short
of conversation,

but I leave people to get on with it
and to do their own thing.

You know, you watch and you see
and everybody seems to manage.

You all seem to be extremely stable
and well-adjusted.

Finn's the one I worry about,
because the trauma that he had

as a very young boy...

HE CLEARS THROAT

Pardon me.

I had to tell him, I was the one
who told him about his father dying.

I mean, I still worry and I worry
about him over now and still,

because, then, eight years later,

his mum dies from cancer
of the pancreas.

You know, what has the boy got?

These are traumas that are
very, very difficult to handle.

That's the really difficult thing,
isn't it,

to try to kind of steer somebody
who's been through all that trauma?

But even the little girl
in the white dress,

you know, in the midst
of the conflict and the war,

and that little moment...
I was about to say that, you know,

it's bound to have affected him.

But he never said...
He never complained.

He never said anything.

And that's the "What if?" What if
he had have said, you know? I know.

Just a pity, a life cut off
so short... Yeah.

..what he could have done,
what he could have been.

Again, what if?
Yeah.

Something to be proud of.

I'm proud of it.
Yeah. Me too.

So do you think you've got
everything you need?

Or have you got a few bits and
pieces that you'll need to get?

For...Zimbabwe? Yeah.

Despite everything Finn has had to
deal with, he's well-grounded.

And in many ways, my nephew is just
an average 20-year-old.

INDISTINCT CONVERSATION

And do you look at his photos much?

Of course. Erm...

I obviously go to the gallery
quite a lot

and I see the photos there,
and I like...

Sometimes when my friends come over,
I like to show them that,

cos even though it's not
my own work, I'm proud of it, even -

going, "That's my dad's work."

And everyone's, like, always
the same thing - like, "Wow!"

"It's amazing." And...

And it's kind of shocking
to be like, "Wow, that's amazing!"

when you're seeing photos
of pain and death

and just...nothing really nice,

but it's still really powerful,
you know,

and you can understand how great
those images are.

Yeah, cos I always remember,
particularly after he died,

there were a lot of people
from those countries,

fixers and people
who'd been drivers

and, you know, you go on
those assignments and people...

You get to know people

and you build up really big
relationships with them,

cos it's quite
an intense experience.

And getting so many letters.

You know, Grandma and Grandad
got so many letters from people

just saying how much fun he was
and how...

And is that...?
What's that like for you,

when you hear people talk about him
like that?

I mean, it's nice to know
that he had an effect on people.

It's a bit...

..bad, though, that I didn't get to
see what that was like, you know?

Cos I missed out
on having my dad there,

and everyone that knows about him
and has told me about him,

there's loads of stories -
I mean, countless,

and they're all funny ones,

or "He did this, he did that" -
and I'm thinking, like,

"I missed out on that."

And...so it's nice to know
that they do all have these things,

but it's a little bit...

..thinking about it more as, like,
"Well, I could have had that too,

"but I don't have any stories
like that that I could tell."

I wish I could.

And is that annoying sometimes?

Do you want people not to tell...?
You know, do you sort of think,

you know, "Stop telling me
those stories"?

Cos I think probably from
even a family point of view,

you tend to talk about people
who are no longer with us

because you want to keep their
memory alive... Of course.
..but then you don't have that.

We probably got more of that,
or we obviously got more of that,

than you did. Well...

It's more that...

I'd like to contribute sometimes,
and I can't.

You know? And the stories I do have
are the same ones,

and it's just like recycling them
over and over.

It's like... I don't know.

And it's nice to hear the stories,

cos it gives me more of an insight
to the man who my father was.

But...

..it is upsetting that I can't
contribute to those conversations

and give my own stories.

For his own reasons, Finn is making
the trip with me to Zimbabwe.

Is there anything about the trip
that you're worried about

or feel a bit apprehensive about?

I'm... I'm really curious.

I hope I can, in some way,
find a connection

and get a better understanding
of him,

just so I can feel a bit more closer
to him.

It'd be nice cos, I mean,
it's been a long time, like, so...

And it's not been easy
over those times,

but I'd like to know more of
who he was and see what he saw.

PHONE RINGS

CCIS. Tom speaking.

Yeah. How are you
getting on tonight?

OK.

Is there anything in particular
going on that's making you
feel like that, or...?

Outside of Belfast, the north-west
has one of the highest suicide rates

in Northern Ireland.

The city's Community Crisis
Intervention Service

is literally a lifeline for people
in distress,

dealing with almost 1,700 cases
a year.

Sometimes when people
are in that moment of suicide,

they can't remember about
their relatives, their friends,

everybody that cares about them.
They can't see the bigger picture.

And that's very important in that
initial moment, to make that link.

What sort of age ranges
have you seen?

SIGHS

It just depends.

In different areas,
it just...

There's just pockets
of different things.

So, children to pensioners -
is that what you're saying? Yeah.

PHONE RINGS

CCIS. Tom speaking.

Hey. How's it going?

Do you think... Is that the most
important thing - to listen?

100%, yeah.

But it's all about, you know,
taking people

one individual at a time
and trying to do your best

to let them see that
there's more to life

than the things that are
holding them back.

And what's your plan
for this evening?

You have one?

There's all different techniques
for them to know

that you're listening to them,

but I think sometimes the biggest
thing is just having somebody

at the end of the phone
to hear their story.

It can be tricky. It just depends,
cos you're kind of risk assessing

while they're on the phone.

Yeah.

Are you working tomorrow?

No? OK.

It's about distraction as well.

They just need distracted
for 15, 20 minutes

from what's going on
in their own mind.

And sometimes that distraction
can be all that they need to do

to make them feel a wee bit better.

And if you want to maybe give us
a wee ring back, you know,

we're here to 12.

OK. You know how to ring us,

and if you want to give us
a ring back, we'll be here.

I'm here all weekend, OK?

All right. Take care of yourself
and maybe talk to you later. Bye.

That was remarkable, really, Tom,

to kind of listen in to that side
of the conversation.

Your voice was very low.
It was very calm.

You said very little,
but you were quite specific about

just trying to keep the person
focused on something and...

Everybody's different.

And...you tend to find a pace
with them.

That's it.

You know, if somebody's got a lot
going on or is saying a lot,

you just have to listen and
make sure that, you know,

when they do maybe take a break,

that you have got
all the sort of main points,

maybe recite them back to them

to make sure that
you're on the same page... Mm-hm.

..and what it is that you think
they're looking for from the call,

or what do you think
that they maybe need to do?

The thing that struck me most,
though, was that you were listening.

It's the nature of the role,
to listen.

It's the most important thing
you can do.

And it can be life-saving.

Yeah, 100%.

It is life-saving.
It's been proven to do it.

You know, we know for a fact
the amount of people that,

you know, we've supported
throughout the years,

other organisations
throughout this region,

and it... it is life-saving.
That's a fact.

Leave them going off the call

feeling as if they got
what they wanted,

they got to help or the support
that they needed

that they maybe weren't going to get
anywhere else.

And also that if they do
need to phone back,

that you can take another call.
Yeah.

Yeah.

And, Sarah, is that import...

PHONE RINGS

CCIS. Tom speaking.

I think I found it
pretty intense, actually,

watching and hearing
how they handled the calls

and how quiet and calm and gentle
they were with people who phoned in

and just how good they are
at what they do.

And I just wonder, for all
those people that were in crisis,

the people that phone in to this
nondescript building in Derry,

what would happen if there
weren't people here listening?

Richard was lucky to work alongside
some of the best

and most respected
foreign reporters.

I've kept in touch with some of them
over the years,

but I've never sat down with them
to discuss Richard's death

and how it impacted them.

Tara! Hello! How are you?

Great to see you.
So good to see you. Come in.

Thanks a million.

This was... Oh, gosh! ..in 2007,
and we had gone out to Zimbabwe.

It was in a terrible, terrible
economic mess.

He was fantastic to work with.

First of all, he was
a great photographer.

Secondly, he had this extraordinary
ability to connect with people,

with whoever he was photographing,
which was really useful for me

because he had this ability
to put people at ease.

We were in Somalia, which was
a pretty dicey place to be.

The Islamic Courts
had just taken over,

and they have this militant wing
called the Shabab

who are real fundamentalists.

And we went out to one of
their training camps -

I mean, now, you wouldn't dare
do this because, you know,

they're a bit like Isis,

they would as soon cut your head off
as look at you -

and we end up playing
a football game against them,

Richard's instigation.

That's what he did. He just made
friends with people, disarmed them.

I was just thinking that

one of his better known photos
is of that young al-Shabab soldier

staring down the barrel of a gun.

Do you know the one I mean?
Yeah, yeah, I know exactly.

And that was a classic Richard.

You know, to be able to connect
in the way he did

with a young militant
Islamist fundamentalist soldier

and get him to pose like that,
it was extraordinary.

You don't think when you see
the photo of what went into it.

Really, he had to win his confidence
and his cooperation.

Yeah, trust...
It was a great talent.

One other thing, though, is he did
get very close to the people

we were photographing,
people we were writing about.

You know, I think he felt
their pain.

And clearly, in the case of
Sarudzai Gumbo, he felt their pain.

Sarudzai, the young girl in Zimbabwe
in that photo.

Over the years, I've longed
to know more about her.

Took the hat off, and we saw this,
which was a six-year-old girl

with lesions all over her head.

I mean, she was in a terrible way.
She could barely open her eyes.

And her name was Sarudzai Gumbo.

Both parents were HIV-positive.

Sarudzai was HIV-positive.

They had no money for medicine,
barely any money for food,

and she was clearly dying.

So we ran this story -

"Portrait of Zimbabwe",
the face of Mugabe's Zimbabwe -

and it had a huge impact back here.

The paper's readers were so shocked
by the image,

they sent in money
to help with her care.

We went back that December,
so nine months later,

and we found Sarudzai...

In fact, I can show you.

We found her in a hospital
which had been abandoned...

..by her doctors,
by the doctors and nurses,

because they weren't being paid.

We found her sitting in this
side room, forgotten, neglected.

She hadn't been washed.

She was in an even worse state
than before.

No-one was looking after her.

And Richard brought her these,
if you can see, two teddy bears,

which she just embraced.

And we literally picked her up
and walked her out of the hospital.

And no-one stopped us.
There was no-one there to stop us.

And we managed to get her admitted
to a private clinic.

And that's where we left her.

She was cleaned up.
She was getting fed properly.

She was being looked after
and loved.

But it was too late. She...

She died a few days later.

Such a waste!
She didn't have to die.

You know, I still feel bad
that we were unable to save her.

You can't just walk away
from something like that.

And that was what Richard
was so good at.

You know, he never...
He never forgot these people.

He... He would stay in touch.

He cared about them -
you could argue too much.

Quite hard for you, doing this,
is it?

Yeah, no, it's funny,
cos I sort of have a sense of...

I think it's just because I've just
turned my head into work mode,

so I've gone into work mode -
cos I felt that last week as well.

So... Maybe you're doing
what Richard did.

LAUGHS

I know!

You're treating it
objectively... Yeah.

..in a way that
he rarely could. Yeah.

I mean, I was... I was telling
a friend for the first time

about the documentary yesterday
who was very close to Richard,

and she immediately welled up
and started to cry.

And I was telling her in such
a kind of matter of fact way,

I thought, "Gosh!" I've obviously
thought about this so much

and, you know, considered the film
and all that goes along with it,

but I think, you know, you can
forget that the ripple effect

of what happened and so many people,
cos I'm sure there are days

that it still catches you
and you think about it.

Well, it's the thing about suicide,
isn't it? You always feel guilty.

You know, the people
you leave behind feel guilty.

You feel you should have spotted it,
you should have known.

But you can't. Yeah.

And, you know, we're no different
than anybody else

who's lost someone through suicide.

But as I say, you sort of almost
have to not go down that avenue

because you would drive yourself...
I know. ..insane,

and the what-ifs and the whys
and the...

It's... You know, you have to
kind of not think along those lines.

I think finding out a little bit
more about the assignments

and the stories and the connection
that Richard had with Zimbabwe,

and obviously the impact that
particularly that little girl had

on both him and Martin,

it kind of makes me want
to explore a little bit more.

Zimbabwe for me has only
ever meant one thing.

Every time I hear it mentioned,
every time I read it in a newspaper,

I can only think of
my brother dying there.

So I'm hoping the trip
will change that,

but I'm naturally anxious about
the impact on me and on Finn.

It has not been a decision that
we've reached easily or lightly.

I've thought long and hard
over many months

about whether it's a good idea.

And I think maybe even
two years ago,

when he was 18 and
just finishing school

and finishing his A-levels, that
wouldn't have been the right time.

But I think he's had
a little bit more time

and a little less pressure
from education, if you like, on him

that he's started to think
a little bit more about his dad

and what he did, what his job was,
the places that he travelled,

and he hasn't really travelled that
much in the last number of years

since his mum died...

..so I think that's quite
a good opportunity

to share that experience with him,

so I feel really lucky
and privileged in that way.

ARCHIVE: In what was once one of
the richest countries in Africa,

people are dying for want of food,
medicine, water, everything.

And if they complain,
they're beaten.

In 2000, President Mugabe's regime
had implemented

a brutal land reform policy.

Marred by violence, it forced many
to leave the country.

By 2008, 80% of the population
was unemployed,

starvation was widespread,
the economy was in ruins.

Inflation was at
a staggering 100,000%.

It's little wonder Richard
visited here many times

to report on a country in turmoil.

Things have improved since 2008,
but not by much.

It's an election year,
so tensions are running high.

Foreign journalists are unwelcome,
so we have travelled as tourists.

On his very last assignment,
Richard spent time with Ben Freeth,

a high-profile critic of Mugabe

and a target for harassment
and abduction.

There's no farmers able to farm,
and we've got total anarchy,

we've got lawlessness.

Our farm workers get beaten,
some of them with fractured skulls,

some of them with broken feet.

Hello there!
Hello, Tara.

Oh, so nice to meet you.
We've heard so much about you. Finn.

Yeah. Yeah.
This is Richard's son, Finn.

Hiya. Nice to meet you.
Finn, lovely to meet you.

I've never met Ben before,

and he was one of the last people
to see Richard alive.

We had total chaos in the land.

You know, we had people just getting
beaten up, homes being invaded.

You know, we couldn't defend
ourselves in any way.

The police weren't able
to defend us.

And in fact, they were
orchestrating it all.

And then we got abducted
and tortured.

And it was... It was
a really tough time.

And your brother stayed with us
a little bit,

and then he went and stayed
with some friends of mine

cos we didn't want him to be
staying too long at each place,

because otherwise the secret police
would have caught up with him.

He came to us on a Sunday...

..and my wife, Laura, cooked a roast
chicken and we had a Sunday roast,

with roast potatoes and
all the trimmings and everything,

and we had a great conversation.

And then I can remember
sitting outside on the veranda

and then, you know, our kids
were mad keen on rugby and stuff

and he was teaching them
how to play rugby.

And he was...you know, playing
and I was watching -

you know, cos I'd been
really badly beaten up

a couple of weeks before.

And so I had a bandage
and I had a fractured skull

and things like that,
and I was longing to join in...

THEY LAUGH

..but I knew that I wasn't
in a fit state to do so.

But, yeah, your dad was out there
and just having such fun, you know?

And yesterday, I spoke to
Lena Creamer,

who he was staying with
the night before, and...

And he had written in
the visitor's book that morning.

I just got...
She sent a photograph of it.

Erm...

I'm myself getting quite emotional.

Erm... So that's your dad's writing.

And he wrote in
the visitor's book...

"Richard Mills.

"Bertie and Lena, many thanks
for letting us see

"a very special part of Zimbabwe.

"Your hospitality has been fantastic
and very much appreciated.

"I hope someday to meet you
and your family and friends

"at a braai..."
So, a braii is a barbecue.

"..over a braii
when times are better and...

"..we have better stories to share.
Stay safe.

"God bless."

That was probably the last thing
he ever wrote.

You know, it's amazing.

That was...that morning,
that was that Sunday morning

before he came to have a lunch
with us.

It must've been hard for you
growing up...

Yeah. I found out that he died

a while after he actually had
passed away. My grandad told me.

But it wasn't until
I was maybe nine or ten

that my mum told me
that he took his own life,

and that was almost like being told
he died over again.

It hurt a lot.

And what went through your head?

I just... I couldn't believe it
because, I mean, at the time,

I was young and I just thought,
what had I done? You know?

So... You blamed yourself? Partly.

It pains me cos I always wanted
to have a dad. Sure.

And, I mean, my mum did a great job
of playing the role

of my dad as well.

But...

No, it's annoying because so many
kids do grow up without dads,

and it's...

I don't know, it's just...

It'd be nice to know what it was
like, to have that growing up. Yeah.

And I think your dad had a heart
for things.

People were able to relate
to the work that he did,

and that, at the end of the day, is,

you know, one of the most important
things in life - you know,

to have a heart for each other.

You know, that is... That's what
life's about, really, isn't it?

You know? And your dad
had that heart.

THEY LAUGH

But isn't it great that
you've been able to come out here...

Oh, 100%. ..with Tara and just...?

I've always wanted to come out
to Zimbabwe, to see what he saw,

especially in his final days.

And I know he had such a love
for Zimbabwe, and I can see why.

I mean, it's a beautiful country
and I want to come back again.

I'd love to come see it...
I'd like to come see it

hopefully when there are
better days, to come see Zimbabwe.

Yeah, well, you can...

You can come in your dad's stead
and have a braii.

THEY LAUGH

Exactly. Have a braii! Yeah.

I like the beers here as well, so...
THEY LAUGH

You're obviously a true Irishman.
THEY LAUGH

Finn and I are travelling
to the remote village of Karonga,

the birthplace and final
resting place of the girl

in the photo, Sarudzai.

We're meeting a close friend
of Richard's

who helped with this story.

Hello! Hello.

It's so nice to meet you. Nice to
meet you. Oh, I'll give a hug.

And this is Finn.
Hiya. Hey! Nice to meet you.

SHE CRIES

Thank you.
Thank you.

Are you OK?
Yeah.

Thank you so much for coming and
meeting us, Tressie. You're welcome.

We're really, really...

We've heard so much about you.
And it's lovely to meet you.

Does he remind you of Richard? Yes.

You can see the resemblance? Yes.
The resemblance in the height.

Yeah, yeah.

THEY LAUGH

Very same personalities too.
Yes, yes.

The difference is the earrings.

THEY LAUGH

Yeah, he didn't... Richard didn't
have those. Yeah, yeah, yeah!

What do you remember about him?

I do remember Richard...

..of his kindness.

He was so sweet.

Very kind, very loving.

Yeah. He loved it here.
He loved it. Yes.

Yeah, he loved people.
He loved people. He loved everyone.

But it was difficult,
challenging times as well.

He was here when things
were very tough.

Yes, he was there in 2008.
Yeah. It was very tough.

But he was here, working with us.

It was hard to find out
what had happened, I would imagine?

It was painful.
Yeah. It was.

It was a surprise, because
Father Winter came to my house

and started praying
before he read us the message.

And I said, "What?!
I was with him last night."

I have to be emotional
because I didn't see him,

he loves his son...

THEY LAUGH

Oh, yeah, yeah,
he loved his son.

There's no doubt about that.
Always... Yes.

I pray for him every day.

Oh, my goodness.

Thank you for doing that.
That's so lovely.

Cos he covered so many conflicts
in so many different countries,

but her story was the one
that definitely impacted him most.

Yes, yes, yes...

That's the graveyard
for...the auntie.

Oh, the auntie? OK.
Yes, they share the name.

But this is the little girl?
This is for Sarudzai. Oh...

SINGING

Been nice meeting everyone that have
known my dad, even 15 years on.

Like, seeing how Ben was getting
choked up reading that letter,

and then when Tressie first saw me,
and it's just like she latched on

and didn't let go.
It felt so natural.

Once we spoke to Tressie and Ben,
I was completely taken aback

by their reaction.

And I think there are two ways
of looking at that.

One is that he made
a real impact on them.

But also, I suppose,
after it happened,

it was probably such a shock
to them.

They probably remember it
in as much detail as we do,

but they've never had an outlet
for that.

So, that was probably the first time
they had had to express

some of the grief that they felt
15 years ago.

And for it to be so quick and
instant, really, with both of them,

that's... that'll never leave me.
I'll always take that away.

SINGING

It was refreshing.

It meant a lot.

And I could tell that it was...
It was more than just,

you know, a guy who went over
to take photos.

It was someone who really made
a connection with these people.

It was... Oh, it was
quite beautiful, really.

SINGING

I had to do this trip,
and I think if I didn't, I'd be

almost a bit cowardly.
This is something that...

It was almost like a rite of
passage, almost. I had to come here.

I felt so disconnected from him
my whole kind of life

because I was young.

But, no, it has been
an emotional journey,

but I know that I needed to do this
and I'm glad I have done it now.

I think meeting the people
that he met,

I think coming here
and kind of seeing what it's like

and just having...

Just having
a better understanding...

..but still really wishing
he hadn't ever come.

And I suppose it's just to say
to people, just don't do it.

Just take a minute.
Take a minute.

Talk to somebody.
Lift the phone.

Go... You know, go make a cup
of tea, a cup of coffee.

Just do something.
Take a minute,

and don't do it, because...

..the impact on everybody,
particularly Finn -

you know, anybody that has children,
don't think

that they'll be better off for you
because they absolutely won't.

That is just a lie.
That is just not true.

And I don't know how we kind of
get to the stage

where that message gets across.

If this helps somebody, I hope
somebody listens. I really do.

It's a pretty unbelievable end
to an unbelievable trip.

That's an understatement!
This is out of this world.

It's jaw-dropping, this view.

And do you think we kind of set out
what you hoped to achieve

and connect more with your dad?

Oh, 100%, yeah.

This is...

..probably the best experience
I've had in my life.

And I certainly feel closer
to my dad now.

I needed this.

I love you, sweetheart.
Love you, too.

Across Northern Ireland, suicide
rates remain stubbornly high.

For the past 14 years,

Alfie has run a Facebook site
offering help and support

for those in crisis.

He's done it anonymously -

one man's efforts
to make a difference.

The two of us have been through
the same bereavement

of losing loved ones.

And I keep asking...
People keep asking me,

"How does other people
deal with it?"

How do you deal with it?

I know, but I suppose it's...

I mean, you know, my career
is asking people

questions about things like that.

You know, I talked to you
after Alfred died,

and I suppose it's a bit of,
if I'm expecting people to do that,

I should be able to answer
those questions as well,

and I think that was the motivation.

You know, your motivation
has been the Facebook page

and to talk to people
and help people.

And I've probably been very quiet
about it,

particularly while my children were
young and while my nephew was young.

But I suppose now that they're all
kind of growing up a bit,

it feels the right time
to look at it

and just to see, is there
anything else that I can do?

Is there something you can do?
Is there something we can do?

But on a personal view
between the two of us

and living through it, it's...
you're still a human being,

you still have the feeling.

I still go through the emotions
of Alfred,

which I'm going through now
with my granddaughter.

Every time you would go to a door
and ask about a suicide,

it's bound to bring emotions back
about your loved one that you lost.

But I think it's... You know, when
I heard about your granddaughter,

it just knocked me for six,
you know -

the thought of you having to go
through that again

with such a young child.

And every time... You know,
I have friends who have lost people

through suicide, you know,
around the time that my brother died

and since, and every time,
just - you must be the same -

it just gets you right in the pit
of your stomach, cos you know

what's ahead and what's facing them
and how difficult it is.

My whole motivation is - and I'll
say it again, like a broken record -

I don't want any family
to go down the road

that your family and my family
have went down.

Alfred's not coming back. But if I
stop somebody going where Alfred is,

it'll make me feel as if
I've done something for someone.

Hello! Come on in.

It's 15 years since Richard died,
and we have decided to host

an exhibition of his work
for some family and friends.

I think that could go...
These are the top maybes.

Oh, really? I like that one.
So do I.

What one is he talking about? Let me
see the ones you're taking away!

Oi! Let me see the ones
you're taking away.

Oh, that has to go in.
That's the newest.

Despite everything we've been
through, I feel fortunate

that I've been able to learn more
about my brother

all these years after his death.

And I'm grateful that Finn
has been able to do the same.

I appreciate not every family
is in the same position.

Happy? Yep.

Such a kind of cross-section of
all the people involved in our lives

that have kind of come here tonight
and shared something,

and it does feel like
the first time we've been able

to celebrate his life and his work.
And to do that with Finn here,

front and centre, you know,
he has this big network

that's connected to his dad,
it's just been...

it's just been really lovely.

If he was still with us,
he'd still be out there

taking all these images.

Nothing ever changes.

We never learn. And Richard captured
all of that brilliantly.

And we look at that human suffering,

and yet it goes on
and it will continue to go on.

And I have a funny feeling that's
maybe what affected Richard as well,

that he knew,
"Nothing's gonna change."

For men over here anyway,
you know, it happens too often.

I mean, losing a father or mother
at a young age is terrible.

And if it's down to something
that we can prevent -

like mental health purposes,
which we can prevent -

we need to do everything
that we can to prevent it.

You know, I don't want another child
to have the kind of pain

that I did growing up, because
it's no way to grow up, you know?