Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:07,173 --> 00:00:08,633
[electric razor buzzing]
2
00:00:08,717 --> 00:00:10,093
[upbeat jazz music playing]
3
00:00:15,473 --> 00:00:18,309
{\an8}[scattered cheering]
4
00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:24,858
[crowd cheering]
5
00:00:24,941 --> 00:00:26,776
[upbeat jazz music continues]
6
00:00:35,076 --> 00:00:36,077
Hello, hello.
7
00:00:39,247 --> 00:00:40,832
Sit down, sit down, sit down.
8
00:00:42,667 --> 00:00:43,626
What's up?
9
00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:44,919
[audience laughing]
10
00:00:45,003 --> 00:00:48,590
Hell yeah. It's cool to be here.
I appreciate, like, that introduction,
11
00:00:48,673 --> 00:00:51,051
but I'm not high-energy like that, though.
12
00:00:51,134 --> 00:00:52,844
[audience laughing]
13
00:00:52,927 --> 00:00:54,304
I'm very low-energy.
14
00:00:54,387 --> 00:00:56,389
I'm trying to get lower, even.
15
00:00:56,473 --> 00:00:57,849
[audience laughing]
16
00:00:57,932 --> 00:00:59,642
I've been trying to chill lately.
17
00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:01,686
I've been drinking less, yeah.
18
00:01:01,770 --> 00:01:04,898
But... like if I'm with a group of people
that take me to a bar,
19
00:01:04,981 --> 00:01:07,233
then I'll drink, you know. You have to.
20
00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:10,779
You can't be that one person at the bar
without a drink in their hand.
21
00:01:10,862 --> 00:01:11,946
That's weird.
22
00:01:12,030 --> 00:01:14,699
That's like being the one dude
at a kids' soccer game,
23
00:01:14,783 --> 00:01:16,284
and you don't even have a kid.
24
00:01:16,367 --> 00:01:18,369
[audience laughing]
25
00:01:19,329 --> 00:01:20,789
People will stare at you.
26
00:01:20,872 --> 00:01:23,333
They're like, "What do you mean
you just like to be here?"
27
00:01:23,416 --> 00:01:25,376
[audience laughing]
28
00:01:26,753 --> 00:01:28,588
One of my buddies, he quit drinking.
29
00:01:28,671 --> 00:01:30,673
He says his therapist cured him.
30
00:01:31,883 --> 00:01:34,427
He's like, "No, man.
She opened my eyes up to something."
31
00:01:35,261 --> 00:01:39,557
He's like, "If you think about it,
we probably don't even like alcohol."
32
00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:41,976
I was like, "Nah, I like it."
33
00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:43,228
[audience laughing]
34
00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:47,232
He's like, "Nah, man,
my therapist put it like this."
35
00:01:47,315 --> 00:01:51,194
Like, "We probably just drink because
of the patterns our fathers set for us,
36
00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:53,488
like how we saw them drinking growing up."
37
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:56,825
I said, "Bro, I saw that man,
like, twice growing up."
38
00:01:56,908 --> 00:01:58,910
[audience laughing]
39
00:02:00,036 --> 00:02:01,412
"He was sober both times."
40
00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:03,498
[audience laughing]
41
00:02:06,709 --> 00:02:09,587
But I, like, halfway agree
with that little school of thought.
42
00:02:09,671 --> 00:02:14,008
Like, I don't think childhood trauma
makes you turn to alcohol,
43
00:02:14,092 --> 00:02:18,263
but I do think childhood trauma
can make alcohol taste better.
44
00:02:18,346 --> 00:02:20,348
[audience laughing]
45
00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:22,433
Like as a kid,
46
00:02:22,517 --> 00:02:25,311
any time you scored a touchdown
at one of your Little League games
47
00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:27,397
and your dad wasn't there to see it,
48
00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:30,150
your taste buds probably shifted
just a little bit.
49
00:02:30,233 --> 00:02:31,693
[audience laughing]
50
00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:35,613
And with every first down,
they just kept shifting and shifting.
51
00:02:36,447 --> 00:02:39,325
That's why whenever I see somebody
take a shot of whiskey
52
00:02:39,409 --> 00:02:42,787
without making a face, I'm like,
"Damn. He didn't even have no dad."
53
00:02:42,871 --> 00:02:45,707
[audience laughing]
54
00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:53,047
I'm trying to drink less. Trying to take
better care of my health, you know?
55
00:02:53,131 --> 00:02:56,259
I was even smoking cigarettes
for a little bit. I stopped that.
56
00:02:56,342 --> 00:02:57,510
I know it's unhealthy,
57
00:02:57,594 --> 00:03:00,346
but I started 'cause
I saw somebody smoking and talking,
58
00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:02,140
and they look so cool, you know?
59
00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:04,559
You ever see somebody smoke and talk?
60
00:03:04,642 --> 00:03:06,644
Whatever they're saying,
you just go with it.
61
00:03:07,604 --> 00:03:10,607
They don't even have to say real words.
They just gotta, like...
62
00:03:11,691 --> 00:03:13,693
[audience laughing]
63
00:03:17,530 --> 00:03:19,115
I'm like, "Bro, he's so right."
64
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:21,201
[audience laughing]
65
00:03:24,746 --> 00:03:27,957
Yeah, I know... I know it's unhealthy,
but all those health risks,
66
00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:29,751
and the warnings they give you,
67
00:03:29,834 --> 00:03:32,795
that's what pushed me over the edge
to try them in the first place.
68
00:03:33,504 --> 00:03:35,882
I was reading that little box
of cigarettes.
69
00:03:35,965 --> 00:03:37,425
It was like, "Warning...
70
00:03:37,508 --> 00:03:41,471
tobacco may increase the risk
of infertility, low birth weight,"
71
00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:43,014
and so on and so on.
72
00:03:43,097 --> 00:03:46,059
But the beginning is what got me.
I was like, "Infertility..."
73
00:03:46,142 --> 00:03:47,894
[audience laughing]
74
00:03:47,977 --> 00:03:50,480
In my mind, I'm like,
"Damn, so I look cool as hell
75
00:03:50,563 --> 00:03:52,649
and I don't have to use condoms anymore?"
76
00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:54,734
[audience laughing]
77
00:03:55,735 --> 00:03:59,322
I'll be about to hook up with a girl,
and she's like, "Do you have protection?"
78
00:03:59,405 --> 00:04:00,698
I'm like... [inhales]
79
00:04:00,782 --> 00:04:03,117
[audience laughing]
80
00:04:03,201 --> 00:04:04,494
"Just hit this, baby."
81
00:04:04,577 --> 00:04:06,871
[audience laughing]
82
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:11,793
First time I tried it, I only...
83
00:04:11,876 --> 00:04:15,088
I only tried it 'cause I wanted to do,
like, the flicky thing.
84
00:04:15,171 --> 00:04:16,547
[audience laughing]
85
00:04:16,631 --> 00:04:18,341
That's the coolest part about it.
86
00:04:19,175 --> 00:04:22,220
I was outside the bar,
and I feel... I feel like I nailed it.
87
00:04:22,303 --> 00:04:25,390
I put that cigarette in my mouth,
I lit it, I took that first hit,
88
00:04:25,473 --> 00:04:26,766
I was like... [inhales]
89
00:04:27,892 --> 00:04:28,977
[exhales slowly]
90
00:04:31,020 --> 00:04:33,106
- [exhales forcefully]
- [audience laughing]
91
00:04:33,189 --> 00:04:36,567
Even people that were driving by
were like, "Oh shit!"
92
00:04:39,195 --> 00:04:41,906
But anybody who was like a real smoker
saw me throw it away
93
00:04:41,990 --> 00:04:44,951
was like, "Yo, dumbass,
that's a full cigarette. What the..."
94
00:04:45,034 --> 00:04:46,661
[audience laughing]
95
00:04:46,744 --> 00:04:49,205
But nah, man,
I'm trying to be a little healthier.
96
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:50,665
I had a water today.
97
00:04:50,748 --> 00:04:52,542
[audience chuckling]
98
00:04:52,625 --> 00:04:54,002
Yeah. It's a lifestyle.
99
00:04:54,085 --> 00:04:55,253
[audience laughing]
100
00:04:57,213 --> 00:04:59,257
Nah, I never... I never drink water.
101
00:04:59,340 --> 00:05:00,550
I drink a lot of soda.
102
00:05:01,092 --> 00:05:05,013
I don't like when healthy people find out
that they drink more water than I do.
103
00:05:05,513 --> 00:05:09,350
'Cause you can see it in their face.
They immediately start feeling superior.
104
00:05:09,892 --> 00:05:13,146
Whenever somebody finds out
they drink more water than you,
105
00:05:13,229 --> 00:05:16,190
they start talking to you
like if they get laid more than you.
106
00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:18,401
They say cocky shit.
107
00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:22,238
Say shit like,
"You haven't had any water today?"
108
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,324
[audience laughing]
109
00:05:25,408 --> 00:05:28,369
I'm like, "No."
They're like... [scoffs] "Fuckin' up."
110
00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:30,455
[audience laughing]
111
00:05:33,207 --> 00:05:35,126
Yeah, it's just cooler to be healthy, man.
112
00:05:35,209 --> 00:05:38,379
It's, like, in style to drink water,
and I don't like it.
113
00:05:38,463 --> 00:05:40,631
- [audience laughing]
- This is out of hand, man.
114
00:05:40,715 --> 00:05:43,760
It's gotten to the point
that people will judge you, even,
115
00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:46,220
just based off of
the brand of water you drink.
116
00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:49,557
I had a FIJI Water
at the barbershop the other day.
117
00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:51,809
Everybody was like, "You like that one?"
118
00:05:51,893 --> 00:05:53,019
[audience laughing]
119
00:05:53,102 --> 00:05:54,312
I was like, "Nah."
120
00:05:54,395 --> 00:05:56,397
[audience laughing]
121
00:06:00,651 --> 00:06:03,654
I didn't even know what I did wrong.
I was like, "Nah, I don't like it."
122
00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:05,156
[audience laughing]
123
00:06:05,239 --> 00:06:08,659
"I was just holding onto it
for this girl I have sex with sometimes."
124
00:06:08,743 --> 00:06:10,703
[audience laughing]
125
00:06:11,704 --> 00:06:14,540
I don't know which one
the "cool" water is to drink.
126
00:06:14,624 --> 00:06:17,585
I know which one the lame one is.
It's the one that I like.
127
00:06:18,669 --> 00:06:20,129
I like drinking Dasani.
128
00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:21,839
[audience laughing]
129
00:06:21,923 --> 00:06:24,008
- [scattered boos]
- Yeah. Didn't I tell you they judge?
130
00:06:24,092 --> 00:06:26,094
[audience laughing]
131
00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:29,347
Dasani takes me back to my childhood.
132
00:06:29,430 --> 00:06:33,309
Dasani's the only water
that tastes like outside water hose.
133
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:35,395
[audience laughing]
134
00:06:35,478 --> 00:06:36,813
Tastes like manguera.
135
00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:39,690
[audience laughing and cheering]
136
00:06:39,774 --> 00:06:40,775
Yeah.
137
00:06:41,567 --> 00:06:43,569
I don't even care if I'm inside, man.
138
00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:46,364
I'll buy me a bottle, I open it up,
and I drink it like this.
139
00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:51,869
[audience laughing and applauding]
140
00:06:51,953 --> 00:06:54,288
[cheering]
141
00:07:00,711 --> 00:07:03,089
Trying to take care of my vision.
I got glasses.
142
00:07:03,172 --> 00:07:06,759
I don't... I don't need 'em too much.
I need 'em to, like, drive at night.
143
00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:08,761
For some reason,
once it gets dark outside,
144
00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:10,847
I just can't see
little things on the road,
145
00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:12,557
like innocent pedestrians and...
146
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:14,684
[audience laughing]
147
00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:17,353
But I don't like to wear 'em, man.
Some people can rock glasses.
148
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:20,231
I tried, like,
all the different glasses, and...
149
00:07:20,314 --> 00:07:22,817
I don't know. They all look lame on me.
I feel real dorky.
150
00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:25,445
My biggest fear
is that I will wear them while I drive,
151
00:07:25,528 --> 00:07:26,779
and then I'll crash, and...
152
00:07:26,863 --> 00:07:27,822
[audience laughing]
153
00:07:27,905 --> 00:07:29,657
...paramedics will find my body and be like,
154
00:07:29,740 --> 00:07:32,493
"Aw, man.
We have one dead nerd over here."
155
00:07:32,577 --> 00:07:34,579
[audience laughing]
156
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,541
"Let's get this lame ass on a stretcher."
157
00:07:38,624 --> 00:07:40,626
[audience laughing]
158
00:07:44,964 --> 00:07:47,258
If I ever crash and die,
I hope they don't even find my car.
159
00:07:47,341 --> 00:07:48,885
It's dirty. It's embarrassing.
160
00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:51,095
[audience laughing]
161
00:07:51,179 --> 00:07:53,556
I got, like, half-empty bottles of soda,
162
00:07:54,932 --> 00:07:56,184
a basketball,
163
00:07:57,810 --> 00:08:00,855
one brand-new,
never-opened box of condoms...
164
00:08:00,938 --> 00:08:03,232
[audience laughing]
165
00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:05,401
They find my body in my car,
they'll be like,
166
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:07,778
"Man, this dude
was one dehydrated virgin."
167
00:08:07,862 --> 00:08:10,573
[audience laughing]
168
00:08:13,117 --> 00:08:15,119
I could clean it, but I'm too lazy.
169
00:08:15,203 --> 00:08:17,413
Instead, what I did
is I got that box of condoms,
170
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:20,249
there was like three in there,
I threw two of them away.
171
00:08:21,292 --> 00:08:24,337
Now if they find my body in there,
they're gonna be like, "This guy...
172
00:08:25,004 --> 00:08:26,088
he was all right."
173
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:28,174
[audience laughing]
174
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:30,760
[woman cheers]
175
00:08:33,262 --> 00:08:34,305
Yeah, man.
176
00:08:34,388 --> 00:08:37,183
I've been, uh, I've been seeing somebody.
It's going really good.
177
00:08:37,266 --> 00:08:39,810
I haven't been
in a relationship for a while,
178
00:08:39,894 --> 00:08:43,231
and I'm realizing
how jealous of a dude I am.
179
00:08:43,940 --> 00:08:47,026
I was asking my girl, I was like,
"Have you ever gone skydiving before?"
180
00:08:47,109 --> 00:08:48,861
She was like, "Yeah, I went skydiving...
181
00:08:49,612 --> 00:08:50,863
with my ex-boyfriend."
182
00:08:52,490 --> 00:08:54,367
I didn't need that extra information...
183
00:08:54,450 --> 00:08:56,327
[audience laughing]
184
00:08:56,410 --> 00:08:57,370
...like, at all.
185
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:02,875
And in my mind, all I heard was, like,
"Yeah, I went skydiving before."
186
00:09:02,959 --> 00:09:06,128
"Also, just as a reminder,
I used to fuck somebody else."
187
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:09,006
[audience laughing and applauding]
188
00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:13,761
But it... [chuckles]
189
00:09:13,844 --> 00:09:16,764
It's 'cause she never gets jealous.
She doesn't understand jealousy, man.
190
00:09:16,847 --> 00:09:18,808
She got a... She's got a healthy mindset.
191
00:09:18,891 --> 00:09:19,892
Her parents...
192
00:09:19,976 --> 00:09:21,811
[audience laughing]
193
00:09:22,478 --> 00:09:24,480
Her parents have
a real healthy relationship.
194
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:25,565
She said growing up,
195
00:09:25,648 --> 00:09:28,776
her parents never once argued
in front of her and her siblings.
196
00:09:28,859 --> 00:09:32,613
They'd go to another room if they had to,
but never in front of the kids.
197
00:09:32,697 --> 00:09:34,991
I... I was raised by my grandparents,
198
00:09:35,074 --> 00:09:39,203
and I'm convinced that they would wait
till got home from school...
199
00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:41,289
[audience laughing]
200
00:09:45,334 --> 00:09:47,837
They were like,
"He needs to hear this, goddammit."
201
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:49,463
[audience laughing]
202
00:09:51,757 --> 00:09:52,717
Nah, I'm...
203
00:09:54,552 --> 00:09:57,513
I'm kidding.
My grandparents never... spoke English.
204
00:09:57,597 --> 00:09:59,599
[audience laughing]
205
00:10:02,893 --> 00:10:05,980
Man, she's cool, man, she's cool.
Her family's real religious.
206
00:10:06,063 --> 00:10:08,316
My girlfriend always wants us
to pray before we eat
207
00:10:08,399 --> 00:10:11,068
so that we could show
that we're thankful for things, you know?
208
00:10:11,152 --> 00:10:13,487
Which, I agree.
I'll pray for things I'm thankful for.
209
00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:15,489
I don't wanna pray before every meal,
210
00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:18,618
but I'll pray before things
that I'm really thankful for.
211
00:10:18,701 --> 00:10:19,869
Like sex.
212
00:10:19,952 --> 00:10:21,954
[audience laughing]
213
00:10:22,580 --> 00:10:25,416
She's like, "You're more thankful for sex
than for food?"
214
00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:27,084
[blows air]
215
00:10:27,168 --> 00:10:29,170
[audience laughing]
216
00:10:31,255 --> 00:10:32,506
I was like, "I mean..."
217
00:10:32,590 --> 00:10:35,092
[audience laughing]
218
00:10:35,968 --> 00:10:38,638
"I never went six months
without eating before."
219
00:10:38,721 --> 00:10:41,641
[raucous laughter and applause]
220
00:10:44,977 --> 00:10:46,520
[audience cheering]
221
00:10:50,441 --> 00:10:52,318
I didn't starve through high school.
222
00:10:52,401 --> 00:10:53,903
[audience laughing]
223
00:11:00,785 --> 00:11:02,036
She wants us to go to church,
224
00:11:02,119 --> 00:11:05,081
but I don't even know
if I'm that religious.
225
00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:07,833
Like, I'm one of those people,
like, I believe in God,
226
00:11:07,917 --> 00:11:09,669
but I don't go to church, you know?
227
00:11:09,752 --> 00:11:12,296
I think there's a lot of us like that,
that we believe...
228
00:11:12,380 --> 00:11:13,881
We don't have to go to church,
229
00:11:13,964 --> 00:11:17,593
but as long as we're just good enough,
God will still let us into heaven.
230
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,637
[audience laughing and applauding]
231
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:21,263
Yeah, 'cause in my mind,
232
00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:24,225
God is like
those police captains in the movies.
233
00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:26,852
He's like,
"Mm, you don't play it by the book,
234
00:11:26,936 --> 00:11:29,438
but you're a good detective, goddammit.
You're in."
235
00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:31,482
[audience laughing]
236
00:11:33,776 --> 00:11:36,195
And I'm just at the gates,
like, "Thanks, Chief."
237
00:11:36,278 --> 00:11:38,239
[audience laughing]
238
00:11:40,991 --> 00:11:43,327
I just... I just don't like
going to church, man.
239
00:11:43,411 --> 00:11:45,204
I don't like the people there.
240
00:11:45,287 --> 00:11:47,623
People at church
have, like, co-worker vibes.
241
00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:49,750
[audience laughing]
242
00:11:50,876 --> 00:11:52,169
Like, some of them are cool,
243
00:11:52,253 --> 00:11:54,505
but most of them, you know,
they're just being fake nice
244
00:11:54,588 --> 00:11:56,257
'cause they want that promotion.
245
00:11:56,340 --> 00:11:58,342
[audience laughing]
246
00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:05,641
I don't know. I've never liked the people
at the churches that I've gone to, man.
247
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:08,185
If those are the people that
are gonna be hanging out in heaven,
248
00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:09,895
I just... I'll just go to hell.
249
00:12:09,979 --> 00:12:11,981
[audience laughing]
250
00:12:19,447 --> 00:12:22,366
But yeah, no,
relationship's been going good, you know.
251
00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:25,536
I would like to settle down, man,
you know, 'cause I really like girls.
252
00:12:25,619 --> 00:12:28,164
I've been liking them
a long time now, actually.
253
00:12:28,247 --> 00:12:30,249
[audience laughing]
254
00:12:34,086 --> 00:12:36,297
I think I have
lots of good traits about me.
255
00:12:36,380 --> 00:12:38,174
Like I'm a really good kisser.
256
00:12:38,966 --> 00:12:40,968
I'm bad at sex, but I'm a good kisser.
257
00:12:41,051 --> 00:12:42,219
[audience laughing]
258
00:12:42,303 --> 00:12:45,681
I'm like a really cool movie trailer
to a really bad movie.
259
00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:47,725
[audience laughing]
260
00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:54,482
And, like, I know I'm good,
'cause when I'm kissing girls,
261
00:12:54,565 --> 00:12:57,026
they almost start to moan.
They're like... [moaning]
262
00:12:57,109 --> 00:12:58,861
[audience laughing]
263
00:12:59,695 --> 00:13:02,364
But then we have sex,
and they're like... [questioning moan]
264
00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:04,909
[audience laughing and applauding]
265
00:13:08,579 --> 00:13:09,997
But whatever. I have fun.
266
00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:12,082
[audience laughing]
267
00:13:16,712 --> 00:13:20,174
When they do like it, I'm like,
"You don't know what good is, do you?"
268
00:13:20,257 --> 00:13:22,259
[audience laughing]
269
00:13:23,177 --> 00:13:25,554
Like, "You have bad taste.
I can't be with you."
270
00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:27,640
[audience laughing]
271
00:13:30,684 --> 00:13:32,978
But I think
I have lots of good traits, man.
272
00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:35,815
Like I don't have
that old-school mentality,
273
00:13:35,898 --> 00:13:37,358
that old-school way of thinking,
274
00:13:37,441 --> 00:13:40,444
where they say the woman is the one
who has to do the cooking
275
00:13:40,528 --> 00:13:42,238
and have dinner ready every night,
276
00:13:42,321 --> 00:13:45,241
and only she does the dishes,
only she cleans the house,
277
00:13:45,324 --> 00:13:47,034
only she does the laundry.
278
00:13:47,117 --> 00:13:48,285
I don't think that way.
279
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,204
I just want a girl...
280
00:13:50,996 --> 00:13:52,540
who does think that way.
281
00:13:52,623 --> 00:13:53,874
[audience laughing]
282
00:14:05,052 --> 00:14:07,137
I'm... I'm much more progressive than that.
283
00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:10,391
But if my wife isn't, I just have
to love and support her, you know?
284
00:14:10,474 --> 00:14:12,476
[audience laughing]
285
00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:19,942
I used to, like, sit and wonder,
like, who would my dream girl be?
286
00:14:20,025 --> 00:14:22,278
And I love cars. I really like cars.
287
00:14:22,361 --> 00:14:25,531
And I would always envision
my dream girl would be a girl
288
00:14:25,614 --> 00:14:27,992
who races cars, illegally.
289
00:14:28,075 --> 00:14:29,118
[audience laughing]
290
00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:30,703
'Cause that's the hot part, you know?
291
00:14:30,786 --> 00:14:33,956
It'd probably be even hotter
if she was also illegal.
292
00:14:34,039 --> 00:14:36,041
[audience laughing]
293
00:14:37,459 --> 00:14:38,377
Yeah.
294
00:14:39,169 --> 00:14:41,755
'Cause when she's speeding,
she's really risking it.
295
00:14:41,839 --> 00:14:43,841
[audience laughing]
296
00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:50,264
I'd like a girl who, she drives,
she takes the wheel, you know?
297
00:14:50,347 --> 00:14:52,391
I wanna be passenger prince for once.
298
00:14:52,474 --> 00:14:54,476
[audience laughing]
299
00:14:57,104 --> 00:14:59,648
I would love to be with a girl who,
she's like,
300
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:01,734
she's leaning on her car, you know...
301
00:15:02,776 --> 00:15:05,112
she's chillin', all badass.
302
00:15:07,197 --> 00:15:10,993
[audience laughing and applauding]
303
00:15:12,119 --> 00:15:14,788
And her enemies are rolling up on us.
304
00:15:17,374 --> 00:15:18,375
She's like, "Ralph."
305
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:21,921
I'm back here, I pump the shotgun like...
[mimics shotgun loading] "Here you go."
306
00:15:22,004 --> 00:15:24,006
[audience laughing]
307
00:15:28,385 --> 00:15:31,639
That's 'cause, like, I see those movies
like Fast and the Furious and all those,
308
00:15:31,722 --> 00:15:33,015
there's always the main dude.
309
00:15:33,098 --> 00:15:35,935
He's the driver, he's the fighter,
he's the shooter, you know.
310
00:15:36,018 --> 00:15:38,020
And then there's always
the girl riding passenger.
311
00:15:38,103 --> 00:15:40,230
She has his back. She's ride or die.
312
00:15:40,314 --> 00:15:43,108
I'm like, "Man, I'd like to be
like that girl, but to my girl."
313
00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:45,152
[audience laughing]
314
00:15:49,698 --> 00:15:52,034
I can already envision,
like, my dream life
315
00:15:52,117 --> 00:15:53,202
with my dream girl.
316
00:15:54,536 --> 00:15:56,914
It's late at night,
my window's cracked open,
317
00:15:56,997 --> 00:15:58,374
little breeze coming in.
318
00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:00,167
I'm already laying in bed,
319
00:16:00,250 --> 00:16:02,753
'cause I'm not even
expecting to go out, even.
320
00:16:02,836 --> 00:16:04,838
[audience laughing]
321
00:16:09,134 --> 00:16:12,638
And then from down the street,
like, getting closer and closer,
322
00:16:12,721 --> 00:16:13,973
I can just hear...
323
00:16:14,682 --> 00:16:17,559
[mimicking engine roaring]
324
00:16:17,643 --> 00:16:19,520
[audience laughing]
325
00:16:19,603 --> 00:16:21,772
I get up, I'm like,
"Oh my God, she's here."
326
00:16:21,855 --> 00:16:24,608
[audience laughing]
327
00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:29,488
Start putting on deodorant.
328
00:16:29,571 --> 00:16:31,156
[audience laughing]
329
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:33,367
She texts me, she's like, "I'm outside."
330
00:16:34,493 --> 00:16:36,578
I'm like, "I know. My dad heard you."
331
00:16:36,662 --> 00:16:39,081
[audience laughing and applauding]
332
00:16:40,457 --> 00:16:43,627
[audience cheering]
333
00:16:47,131 --> 00:16:49,383
And my girl, she's gonna pull up
in something nice, man.
334
00:16:49,466 --> 00:16:51,927
Something real car enthusiasts
can respect.
335
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:54,013
Not your average Honda, Charger, nah.
336
00:16:54,096 --> 00:16:56,557
She's pullin' up,
like, in the Nissan Skyline.
337
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,183
[audience laughing]
338
00:16:58,267 --> 00:17:00,561
She drives the R34 version.
339
00:17:00,644 --> 00:17:02,730
She... she has the other versions too,
340
00:17:02,813 --> 00:17:05,065
but tonight,
she brought this one out for me.
341
00:17:05,149 --> 00:17:06,817
[audience laughing]
342
00:17:07,985 --> 00:17:10,738
She picks me up.
She's driving, 'cause I'm progressive.
343
00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:12,823
[audience laughing]
344
00:17:16,493 --> 00:17:18,746
And, you know, she just takes us
cruising through the city.
345
00:17:18,829 --> 00:17:21,957
She's showing the car off, showing me off...
346
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:24,043
[audience laughing]
347
00:17:27,588 --> 00:17:30,299
I'm riding passenger,
I'm taking Boomerangs...
348
00:17:30,382 --> 00:17:32,134
[audience laughing]
349
00:17:36,972 --> 00:17:38,140
I'm in there like...
350
00:17:38,223 --> 00:17:41,101
[raucous laughter and applause]
351
00:17:43,187 --> 00:17:47,024
[audience cheering]
352
00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:54,239
I'm posting them on my Instagram story,
like "Date night."
353
00:17:54,323 --> 00:17:56,325
[audience laughing]
354
00:17:57,284 --> 00:18:00,871
All my boys are replying to the story,
like, "I love this for y'all."
355
00:18:00,954 --> 00:18:03,248
[audience laughing]
356
00:18:12,341 --> 00:18:14,927
I'm like, "Thanks, bro.
We gotta get together soon."
357
00:18:15,010 --> 00:18:17,012
[audience laughing]
358
00:18:22,726 --> 00:18:24,353
He's like, "Bitch, I've been sayin'."
359
00:18:24,436 --> 00:18:26,438
[audience laughing]
360
00:18:30,984 --> 00:18:32,569
But I don't hang out with him. He's fake.
361
00:18:32,653 --> 00:18:35,322
[audience laughing]
362
00:18:42,830 --> 00:18:45,582
Anyway... now it's later in the night,
363
00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:47,751
she's... she's taking me home.
364
00:18:47,835 --> 00:18:50,379
I was supposed to be home
a long time ago, but, ah.
365
00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:52,464
[audience laughing]
366
00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:54,758
My dad doesn't own me.
367
00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:56,844
[audience laughing]
368
00:18:59,054 --> 00:19:01,765
On the way home,
we stop at this red light.
369
00:19:02,474 --> 00:19:05,352
And it's empty.
There's no other cars there. It's just us.
370
00:19:05,435 --> 00:19:07,563
And my girl gives me this look.
She's like...
371
00:19:09,064 --> 00:19:10,399
I'm like, "What the hell?"
372
00:19:13,485 --> 00:19:15,821
I'm like,
"Does she want me to give her head?"
373
00:19:15,904 --> 00:19:17,906
[audience laughing]
374
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:28,709
"Are all women like this?"
375
00:19:28,792 --> 00:19:30,752
[audience laughing]
376
00:19:34,339 --> 00:19:36,091
But nah, she was just trying to show off.
377
00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:39,011
She gave me that look,
and then she started revving the engines.
378
00:19:39,094 --> 00:19:42,431
[mimicking engine revving]
379
00:19:43,724 --> 00:19:45,142
I'm like, "Babe, stop."
380
00:19:45,225 --> 00:19:47,227
[audience laughing]
381
00:19:50,397 --> 00:19:52,774
But that's baby.
She loves to flex, you know?
382
00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:54,610
[audience laughing]
383
00:19:54,693 --> 00:19:56,361
I say "stop," but I like it.
384
00:19:56,445 --> 00:19:57,571
[audience laughing]
385
00:20:02,784 --> 00:20:04,286
Then all of a sudden,
386
00:20:05,454 --> 00:20:07,456
just as I began to give her head...
387
00:20:07,539 --> 00:20:10,125
[audience laughing]
388
00:20:13,545 --> 00:20:16,465
...this douchey-type girl
pulls up next to us in her car.
389
00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:19,343
And she's pretty, and her car's all right.
390
00:20:19,426 --> 00:20:21,470
Just not as cool as my girl's, you know...
391
00:20:21,970 --> 00:20:24,848
She's driving, like, a 2008 Mustang.
392
00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:25,766
Ew.
393
00:20:25,849 --> 00:20:27,851
[audience laughing]
394
00:20:29,561 --> 00:20:32,022
'Cause that year,
they didn't even make 'em in 5.0s.
395
00:20:32,105 --> 00:20:33,523
She's drivin' a 4.6.
396
00:20:34,524 --> 00:20:37,027
But she has 5.0 energy.
I'll give her that much.
397
00:20:38,946 --> 00:20:41,865
She pulls up next to us,
she's looking at our rims,
398
00:20:41,949 --> 00:20:43,951
she's lookin' inside our car...
399
00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:46,912
undressing me with her eyes.
400
00:20:46,995 --> 00:20:48,372
[audience laughing]
401
00:20:48,997 --> 00:20:51,124
I'm like, "Man, she ain't got no respect."
402
00:20:51,208 --> 00:20:53,210
[audience laughing]
403
00:20:54,044 --> 00:20:56,797
And my girl doesn't like that.
No, sir. Not one bit.
404
00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:58,882
[audience laughing]
405
00:21:00,008 --> 00:21:03,303
But my girl keeps it cool.
She keeps her composure, you know?
406
00:21:03,387 --> 00:21:06,431
My girl just looks at her,
and then she looks at me...
407
00:21:07,641 --> 00:21:10,769
And if you're wondering why she's driving
but looking this way at me,
408
00:21:10,852 --> 00:21:14,273
it's 'cause the Nissan Skyline has
the driver's seat on the opposite side.
409
00:21:15,232 --> 00:21:17,609
It's a Japanese car.
She got it imported from Japan.
410
00:21:17,693 --> 00:21:18,860
My girl has money.
411
00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:21,863
[audience laughing and applauding]
412
00:21:25,492 --> 00:21:28,620
She looks at me, and I just
look back at my girl like... [scoffs]
413
00:21:30,622 --> 00:21:31,832
"Kick her ass, babe."
414
00:21:31,915 --> 00:21:33,917
[audience laughing]
415
00:21:34,626 --> 00:21:38,463
And I say I'm loyal, but honestly,
whoever wins that race, they could get it.
416
00:21:38,547 --> 00:21:40,507
[audience laughing]
417
00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:48,432
But, yeah,
I was raised by my grandparents.
418
00:21:48,515 --> 00:21:49,933
[audience laughing]
419
00:21:52,227 --> 00:21:53,270
Which is cool.
420
00:21:53,353 --> 00:21:54,813
I'd see my parents too.
421
00:21:54,896 --> 00:21:57,232
They just had a lot going on.
They had crazy lives.
422
00:21:57,316 --> 00:22:01,403
My mom had a boyfriend I remember
that went to prison for selling dope,
423
00:22:01,486 --> 00:22:03,030
and she wanted to let me know,
424
00:22:03,113 --> 00:22:06,241
but she didn't want to tell a little kid
the cold, hard truth,
425
00:22:06,325 --> 00:22:08,410
so she told me like a sugar-coated truth.
426
00:22:08,952 --> 00:22:12,080
She was like, "Hey, listen,
Martin is gonna be away for a little while
427
00:22:12,164 --> 00:22:15,834
because he was caught
with moon rocks from the moon."
428
00:22:15,917 --> 00:22:17,586
[audience laughing]
429
00:22:17,669 --> 00:22:21,131
She's like, "Those are illegal on Earth.
They're these little white rocks..."
430
00:22:21,214 --> 00:22:23,300
"They don't want them on the planet, so...
431
00:22:25,135 --> 00:22:28,764
so the government is sending him
on a mission to the moon
432
00:22:28,847 --> 00:22:30,432
to return the rocks."
433
00:22:31,892 --> 00:22:34,353
She said, "I don't know
if you learned about this in school yet,
434
00:22:34,436 --> 00:22:37,272
but it takes, like, two years
just to get to the moon,
435
00:22:38,398 --> 00:22:42,069
about two years to get back,
just depending on his behavior..."
436
00:22:42,152 --> 00:22:44,154
[audience laughing]
437
00:22:46,656 --> 00:22:49,576
She's like, "Martin's gonna be gone
at least four to five."
438
00:22:50,494 --> 00:22:53,580
Which I believed, but at the same time,
even in my little-kid mind,
439
00:22:53,663 --> 00:22:57,793
I'm like, "Man. You know, I thought
to be an astronaut in the States,
440
00:22:57,876 --> 00:22:59,419
you had to know English."
441
00:22:59,503 --> 00:23:01,505
[audience laughing]
442
00:23:03,423 --> 00:23:05,926
I was like,
"Martin is flying a spaceship?"
443
00:23:06,009 --> 00:23:07,177
[audience laughing]
444
00:23:07,260 --> 00:23:09,679
"I have to help that man
order Chinese food."
445
00:23:09,763 --> 00:23:11,765
[audience laughing]
446
00:23:14,142 --> 00:23:16,978
So I was like, you know what?
Here's what I'm gonna do.
447
00:23:17,521 --> 00:23:19,606
Next time I see my dad,
448
00:23:20,190 --> 00:23:22,317
I'm gonna tell him
this whole Martin story.
449
00:23:22,401 --> 00:23:24,027
He'll tell me if it's real or not.
450
00:23:24,111 --> 00:23:26,113
Or, you know,
he'll tell me what it really means
451
00:23:26,196 --> 00:23:27,697
'cause he has no reason to lie.
452
00:23:27,781 --> 00:23:29,199
He doesn't even know Martin.
453
00:23:29,282 --> 00:23:31,034
I didn't know that during these times,
454
00:23:31,118 --> 00:23:34,413
my dad was also
a "pharmaceutical salesman."
455
00:23:34,496 --> 00:23:36,581
[audience laughing]
456
00:23:36,665 --> 00:23:39,459
So when I told him about Martin,
he just got real agitated.
457
00:23:39,543 --> 00:23:43,004
He was like, "Sometimes people gotta
go to the moon, man. It happens."
458
00:23:43,088 --> 00:23:45,090
[audience laughing]
459
00:23:47,259 --> 00:23:49,678
I was like,
"Damn. Are you gonna go to the moon?"
460
00:23:49,761 --> 00:23:50,929
[audience laughing]
461
00:23:51,012 --> 00:23:53,181
He was like,
"Nah, I'm not stupid, like Martin."
462
00:23:53,265 --> 00:23:56,059
[audience laughing and applauding]
463
00:24:01,648 --> 00:24:03,733
But that messed me up
so much in school, man,
464
00:24:03,817 --> 00:24:06,194
'cause they used to tell you,
"You work hard, get good grades,
465
00:24:06,278 --> 00:24:08,905
you can do anything you want.
Even be an astronaut."
466
00:24:08,989 --> 00:24:10,574
And I was like, "Ahh."
467
00:24:10,657 --> 00:24:12,659
[audience laughing]
468
00:24:13,493 --> 00:24:14,744
"I'm no dumbass."
469
00:24:14,828 --> 00:24:16,830
[audience laughing]
470
00:24:19,082 --> 00:24:21,626
But, yeah, my dad would pick me up.
He always had me looking nice.
471
00:24:21,710 --> 00:24:23,086
He'd buy me tons of shoes.
472
00:24:23,170 --> 00:24:26,214
I didn't know that the shoes
were funded by drug money, but...
473
00:24:26,298 --> 00:24:29,342
it definitely explains why every pair
came with a guilt trip.
474
00:24:30,343 --> 00:24:32,846
I think my dad felt so guilty
about how he got the money
475
00:24:32,929 --> 00:24:34,181
that anything he bought me,
476
00:24:34,264 --> 00:24:36,308
he'd put a tremendous amount
of pressure on me
477
00:24:36,391 --> 00:24:38,727
to, like, appreciate it
and take care of it.
478
00:24:38,810 --> 00:24:40,228
Be trying on shoes at the store,
479
00:24:40,312 --> 00:24:43,398
he's like, "You like those?
They fit? Those the ones you want?"
480
00:24:43,482 --> 00:24:45,275
I'm like,
"Yeah, Dad, I love these. Thank you."
481
00:24:45,358 --> 00:24:46,359
He's like, "You sure?"
482
00:24:46,902 --> 00:24:49,029
I'm like, "Yeah, I like these."
He's like, "All right."
483
00:24:50,197 --> 00:24:52,699
"'Cause a lot of people had to suffer
just for you to get those."
484
00:24:52,782 --> 00:24:54,910
[audience laughing]
485
00:24:56,119 --> 00:24:57,787
I was like, "Suffer? What the...?"
486
00:24:57,871 --> 00:24:59,206
[audience laughing]
487
00:24:59,289 --> 00:25:01,374
I didn't know what he was talking about.
488
00:25:01,458 --> 00:25:03,460
I was just walking up
to Foot Locker employees
489
00:25:03,543 --> 00:25:06,588
like, "Hey, I'm...
sorry for your pain, bro."
490
00:25:06,671 --> 00:25:08,673
[audience laughing]
491
00:25:09,257 --> 00:25:11,301
"I don't know what happens
when y'all walk back there,
492
00:25:11,384 --> 00:25:12,344
but be careful."
493
00:25:12,427 --> 00:25:14,429
[audience laughing]
494
00:25:17,140 --> 00:25:19,768
Now I think because of all that,
I'm, like, addicted to shoes, man.
495
00:25:19,851 --> 00:25:21,561
I love sneakers, you know?
496
00:25:21,645 --> 00:25:23,313
They give me tons of confidence.
497
00:25:23,855 --> 00:25:27,192
A brand-new pair of Nikes
will have me forgetting I'm only 5'7".
498
00:25:27,275 --> 00:25:29,277
[audience laughing]
499
00:25:30,195 --> 00:25:33,865
I'll start walking up to tall girls
at the bar, like, "What's up, shorty?"
500
00:25:33,949 --> 00:25:35,951
[audience laughing]
501
00:25:38,328 --> 00:25:40,789
I'll be like, "Hey, come here.
I have to tell you something."
502
00:25:40,872 --> 00:25:42,832
[audience laughing]
503
00:25:45,794 --> 00:25:48,421
Any time I'm feeling bad,
I'll go buy me some news shoes.
504
00:25:48,505 --> 00:25:50,799
I just think retail therapy works, man.
505
00:25:50,882 --> 00:25:54,177
I think retail therapy
works better than actual therapy.
506
00:25:55,011 --> 00:25:57,847
You go to a therapist,
spend 200-300 bucks an hour,
507
00:25:57,931 --> 00:26:00,308
to talk to one,
and you'll feel better for a little bit,
508
00:26:00,392 --> 00:26:02,477
but you know you'll go home,
you'll look in the mirror,
509
00:26:02,561 --> 00:26:03,562
you're still ugly.
510
00:26:03,645 --> 00:26:05,230
[audience laughing]
511
00:26:05,313 --> 00:26:08,066
But retail therapy,
you look better, you feel better...
512
00:26:08,149 --> 00:26:10,193
Sometimes you don't even
have to spend money.
513
00:26:10,277 --> 00:26:12,612
Next time you're feeling down,
just go to the mall.
514
00:26:12,696 --> 00:26:15,407
Salespeople will lift you up
better than any therapist.
515
00:26:15,490 --> 00:26:16,658
[audience laughing]
516
00:26:16,741 --> 00:26:18,618
I was walking through the mall
a few months back.
517
00:26:18,702 --> 00:26:20,370
I was all, like, moping.
518
00:26:20,954 --> 00:26:23,790
This dude just runs up on me
with a back massager, puts it to my back.
519
00:26:23,873 --> 00:26:26,459
He's like, "My man, my man.
Are you a hard worker?"
520
00:26:26,543 --> 00:26:28,044
"You're a hard worker, right?"
521
00:26:28,128 --> 00:26:29,838
[audience laughing]
522
00:26:29,921 --> 00:26:32,299
I was like, "Honestly... I'm not."
523
00:26:32,382 --> 00:26:34,384
[audience laughing]
524
00:26:38,179 --> 00:26:41,141
He's like, "Nah, you're a hard worker.
I can see it in you."
525
00:26:42,100 --> 00:26:44,019
I was like, "All right. Yeah."
526
00:26:44,102 --> 00:26:45,061
[audience laughing]
527
00:26:45,145 --> 00:26:47,188
"I see it a little bit too now. Yeah."
528
00:26:47,272 --> 00:26:49,274
[audience laughing]
529
00:26:51,067 --> 00:26:52,360
Day's turning around.
530
00:26:53,778 --> 00:26:56,740
He was like, "What you do is you tell
your girl about these back massagers,
531
00:26:56,823 --> 00:27:00,744
you tell her how hard you've been working,
and she'll come up here and buy you one."
532
00:27:01,244 --> 00:27:04,956
And I was just being honest at the time,
I was like, "I don't have a girl."
533
00:27:05,457 --> 00:27:06,458
He was like...
534
00:27:07,959 --> 00:27:10,545
"But you're gonna get a girl, man.
I know you will."
535
00:27:10,629 --> 00:27:12,631
[audience laughing]
536
00:27:13,131 --> 00:27:15,592
I was like, "Dude, I've known you
like 30 seconds,
537
00:27:16,343 --> 00:27:18,303
but I wish you could have been my dad."
538
00:27:18,386 --> 00:27:19,763
[audience laughing]
539
00:27:19,846 --> 00:27:24,225
[audience applauding and cheering]
540
00:27:26,645 --> 00:27:29,606
But, yeah, man, for me,
the therapy's always been the shoes.
541
00:27:29,689 --> 00:27:32,692
Every new pair of shoes I buy
542
00:27:32,776 --> 00:27:35,820
feels like it's fixing
another emotional issue I have.
543
00:27:36,529 --> 00:27:38,948
Like these Nikes I'm wearing right now,
I was lacing them up,
544
00:27:39,032 --> 00:27:41,660
I was like, "Man, these are fresh
right here. Hell yeah."
545
00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:44,329
"So what if my dad's
on the moon right now."
546
00:27:44,412 --> 00:27:47,123
[audience laughing]
547
00:27:52,212 --> 00:27:53,421
Nah, he landed.
548
00:27:53,505 --> 00:27:55,507
[audience laughing]
549
00:27:57,634 --> 00:28:01,012
Living with my dad,
we live out in the country, which is nice.
550
00:28:01,096 --> 00:28:03,014
There's, like, a pond in our backyard.
551
00:28:03,098 --> 00:28:05,975
I've never lived near a pond.
I never had a pond to go to.
552
00:28:06,059 --> 00:28:07,852
And I didn't even think
I'd like it that much.
553
00:28:07,936 --> 00:28:10,772
Sometimes when I'm bored,
I go out to the pond to, you know...
554
00:28:11,272 --> 00:28:12,232
"ponder."
555
00:28:12,315 --> 00:28:14,317
[audience laughing]
556
00:28:16,945 --> 00:28:19,906
That joke is real funny to me
'cause you paid money for it.
557
00:28:19,989 --> 00:28:22,575
[raucous laughter]
558
00:28:25,912 --> 00:28:27,914
[cheering]
559
00:28:28,957 --> 00:28:31,376
Nah, but seriously,
you ever stare at a pond?
560
00:28:31,459 --> 00:28:33,044
You'll get stuck staring at it.
561
00:28:33,795 --> 00:28:35,463
It's like a reflection to your own soul.
562
00:28:35,547 --> 00:28:38,049
You can lie to yourself.
You can't lie to the pond.
563
00:28:38,133 --> 00:28:39,384
[audience laughing]
564
00:28:39,467 --> 00:28:42,095
I was staring at it
for, like, 30 minutes one time
565
00:28:42,178 --> 00:28:44,013
before I finally snapped out of it.
566
00:28:44,514 --> 00:28:45,807
I was like, "Oh damn...
567
00:28:47,976 --> 00:28:49,269
she's cheating on me."
568
00:28:49,352 --> 00:28:51,354
[audience laughing]
569
00:28:57,360 --> 00:28:59,779
I think my favorite part
about living in the country
570
00:28:59,863 --> 00:29:02,365
is, like, driving to the country,
571
00:29:02,449 --> 00:29:03,908
'cause the roads are real empty.
572
00:29:03,992 --> 00:29:06,786
It's real dark at night. You can see
the stars shining really bright.
573
00:29:06,870 --> 00:29:09,289
That's like the perfect time,
on those late-night drives,
574
00:29:09,372 --> 00:29:12,250
it's the perfect time
to, like, turn up a little music,
575
00:29:12,834 --> 00:29:14,252
spark up a little joint.
576
00:29:15,086 --> 00:29:17,505
It's so chill. It's so relaxing.
577
00:29:18,423 --> 00:29:20,008
But the police will ruin it.
578
00:29:20,091 --> 00:29:22,051
[audience laughing]
579
00:29:23,303 --> 00:29:25,472
This cop started driving behind me,
I got nervous,
580
00:29:25,555 --> 00:29:28,183
I put my joint out,
I put two hands on the wheel...
581
00:29:28,850 --> 00:29:31,478
Then I was like,
"Nah, too suspicious. Play it cool."
582
00:29:31,561 --> 00:29:33,521
[audience laughing]
583
00:29:37,317 --> 00:29:38,485
But I got nervous.
584
00:29:38,568 --> 00:29:41,279
We're in the middle of nowhere,
he was following me for 20 minutes,
585
00:29:41,362 --> 00:29:44,949
I'm paranoid, I'm high. I'm like,
"Is he gonna pull me over? Is he not?"
586
00:29:45,033 --> 00:29:46,910
And then I got this genius idea.
587
00:29:47,577 --> 00:29:48,703
[scattered laughter]
588
00:29:48,787 --> 00:29:50,955
I scooted over to my left lane,
589
00:29:52,582 --> 00:29:54,209
I slowed down a little bit,
590
00:29:55,502 --> 00:29:57,337
and then I got behind him.
591
00:29:57,420 --> 00:29:59,422
[audience laughing]
592
00:30:00,548 --> 00:30:03,176
You ever drive behind a cop?
It's a different energy.
593
00:30:04,302 --> 00:30:06,763
When he was behind me,
I was too nervous to smoke,
594
00:30:06,846 --> 00:30:09,682
but when I got behind him,
I sparked that bitch back up.
595
00:30:09,766 --> 00:30:13,061
[audience laughing and applauding]
596
00:30:13,144 --> 00:30:17,232
[audience cheering]
597
00:30:18,149 --> 00:30:20,693
I was like...
[inhales] "Where you gonna go?"
598
00:30:20,777 --> 00:30:22,821
[audience laughing]
599
00:30:22,904 --> 00:30:24,489
"You're in my world now."
600
00:30:26,366 --> 00:30:29,160
I started yelling out
Denzel lines from Training Day.
601
00:30:30,245 --> 00:30:32,705
I was like,
"Officer Hoyt, it's not what you know,
602
00:30:32,789 --> 00:30:34,290
it's what you can prove."
603
00:30:34,374 --> 00:30:36,334
[audience laughing]
604
00:30:36,417 --> 00:30:40,004
He was scared, man. I could tell
he was shook by the way he was driving.
605
00:30:40,088 --> 00:30:41,840
[audience laughing]
606
00:30:41,923 --> 00:30:43,925
Like, "Why you swerving like that, man?"
607
00:30:44,759 --> 00:30:48,221
He tried going to his left lane,
I was like, "Uh-uh. I know that one."
608
00:30:48,304 --> 00:30:50,306
[audience laughing]
609
00:30:52,308 --> 00:30:56,020
I wasn't gonna let him get away.
I wanted him to feel the fear that I felt.
610
00:30:56,646 --> 00:30:58,106
He tried getting off the highway,
611
00:30:58,189 --> 00:31:00,358
I'm like...
[scoffs] "That's my exit too. Let's go."
612
00:31:00,441 --> 00:31:02,360
[audience laughing]
613
00:31:02,443 --> 00:31:05,905
He did a U-turn. I was like,
"Yeah, I did forget something, actually."
614
00:31:05,989 --> 00:31:07,240
[audience laughing]
615
00:31:08,408 --> 00:31:10,702
I followed him
all the way back into the city.
616
00:31:11,411 --> 00:31:14,205
He took a left, I took a left.
He took a right, I took a right.
617
00:31:14,289 --> 00:31:17,750
I'm like, "Where you goin', man?
You gotta run out of gas eventually."
618
00:31:18,626 --> 00:31:21,421
I had another joint ready.
I'd never run out of gas.
619
00:31:21,504 --> 00:31:24,215
[raucous laughter and applause]
620
00:31:24,299 --> 00:31:26,509
[cheering]
621
00:31:31,723 --> 00:31:35,059
And just as I was about to spark it,
he put his signal light on.
622
00:31:35,143 --> 00:31:38,229
I was like, "Where we going?"
And I look, it was the police station.
623
00:31:38,313 --> 00:31:40,607
I was like,
"Fuck, it's a trap, it's a trap."
624
00:31:40,690 --> 00:31:42,567
[audience laughing]
625
00:31:42,650 --> 00:31:44,652
He was two steps ahead the whole time.
626
00:31:44,736 --> 00:31:46,446
[audience chuckling]
627
00:31:50,533 --> 00:31:53,202
No, but it's nice living out there.
I do get bored sometimes.
628
00:31:53,286 --> 00:31:54,913
I bought a PlayStation 5.
629
00:31:55,538 --> 00:31:58,291
I like it a lot. I went a long time
without having a PlayStation.
630
00:31:58,374 --> 00:32:01,753
I had the PlayStation 4
like a long time ago,
631
00:32:01,836 --> 00:32:04,464
back before smart TVs were really around.
632
00:32:04,547 --> 00:32:07,759
So I really depended on it.
But I had sold it to take a girl out.
633
00:32:07,842 --> 00:32:08,801
[audience chuckles]
634
00:32:08,885 --> 00:32:11,888
Yeah. Which kind of worked out.
She came back to my house.
635
00:32:12,472 --> 00:32:14,557
She was like, "You wanna watch Netflix?"
636
00:32:15,266 --> 00:32:17,769
I was like, "Yeah, I... I would like to."
637
00:32:17,852 --> 00:32:19,854
[audience laughing]
638
00:32:21,564 --> 00:32:25,234
She was like, "You don't have, like,
a PlayStation or an Xbox? Put it on."
639
00:32:25,318 --> 00:32:28,529
I was like, "Nah, you don't wanna
just watch the news?"
640
00:32:28,613 --> 00:32:30,573
[audience laughing]
641
00:32:33,993 --> 00:32:35,745
But yeah, man. I love that PlayStation 5.
642
00:32:35,828 --> 00:32:38,331
I like playing fighting games,
like Mortal Kombat, man.
643
00:32:38,414 --> 00:32:39,791
I'm good at fighting games.
644
00:32:39,874 --> 00:32:43,378
- Real life, not so much. But on the games...
- [audience laughing]
645
00:32:43,461 --> 00:32:45,380
I like playing with my cousins a lot.
646
00:32:45,463 --> 00:32:47,590
I hang out
with my older cousin Carlos a lot.
647
00:32:47,674 --> 00:32:50,009
But he's, like, too thug for video games.
648
00:32:50,551 --> 00:32:52,971
He's got too much of a temper, you know?
He can't take a loss.
649
00:32:53,054 --> 00:32:56,224
I was whooping him on Mortal Kombat,
and he threw my controller.
650
00:32:56,307 --> 00:32:58,685
He's like, "Man, fuck this game.
Hit me in real life."
651
00:32:58,768 --> 00:33:00,186
[audience laughing]
652
00:33:00,269 --> 00:33:02,271
[scattered applause]
653
00:33:03,648 --> 00:33:05,441
I was like, "Bro, go back to jail."
654
00:33:05,525 --> 00:33:07,527
[audience laughing]
655
00:33:13,366 --> 00:33:15,743
Anytime we go to bars,
he's always starting bar fights.
656
00:33:15,827 --> 00:33:18,287
Which, honestly, I like.
It's a win-win for me.
657
00:33:18,913 --> 00:33:21,290
'Cause if he wins the fight,
I could just go up to girls like...
658
00:33:21,374 --> 00:33:22,917
[blows air] "That's just how we do."
659
00:33:23,001 --> 00:33:24,877
[audience laughing]
660
00:33:24,961 --> 00:33:27,046
"We're related, so I could also do that."
661
00:33:27,130 --> 00:33:28,548
[audience chuckling]
662
00:33:28,631 --> 00:33:30,842
If somebody tries to fight me,
he'll stop it.
663
00:33:30,925 --> 00:33:33,553
He won't let anybody touch me, man.
He's very protective.
664
00:33:33,636 --> 00:33:36,014
There was one time
I got into a fight at a bar
665
00:33:36,097 --> 00:33:39,225
and he tried to come save me,
but we got surrounded by a crowd.
666
00:33:39,308 --> 00:33:42,145
He couldn't get through. He was trying
to coach me from behind the crowd.
667
00:33:42,228 --> 00:33:44,689
He's like, "Ralph, you've gotta slip
the jab, bob, weave."
668
00:33:44,772 --> 00:33:47,900
But I didn't know what any of that meant,
so I was getting whooped the whole time.
669
00:33:47,984 --> 00:33:49,986
[audience laughing]
670
00:33:50,903 --> 00:33:52,822
Then he put it into terms
I could understand.
671
00:33:52,905 --> 00:33:55,074
He was like,
"L1, square, square, triangle."
672
00:33:55,158 --> 00:33:58,244
[audience laughing and applauding]
673
00:34:00,163 --> 00:34:03,166
[audience cheering]
674
00:34:05,835 --> 00:34:08,379
He was like,
"Now do L1, R1 at the same time."
675
00:34:08,463 --> 00:34:09,922
I was like, "Hadouken!"
676
00:34:10,006 --> 00:34:12,633
[audience laughing and cheering]
677
00:34:19,348 --> 00:34:20,308
No, but...
678
00:34:21,517 --> 00:34:23,394
I'm too friendly to start bar fights, man.
679
00:34:23,478 --> 00:34:26,397
When I go to bars, I walk around
with Starbursts in my pocket.
680
00:34:27,523 --> 00:34:29,192
You don't want to fight that guy.
681
00:34:29,275 --> 00:34:30,985
[audience laughing]
682
00:34:31,861 --> 00:34:33,613
This girl at a bar hit on me one time.
683
00:34:33,696 --> 00:34:35,740
I was talking to her
and her boyfriend came up to us.
684
00:34:35,823 --> 00:34:37,700
He was like,
"Yo, yo, yo. What the fuck is this?"
685
00:34:37,784 --> 00:34:38,993
I was like, "Hey."
686
00:34:39,077 --> 00:34:42,163
[audience laughing and applauding]
687
00:34:48,461 --> 00:34:51,172
He took a strawberry,
he was like, "All right, all right."
688
00:34:51,255 --> 00:34:53,466
[audience laughing]
689
00:34:53,549 --> 00:34:54,884
I was like, "Whew."
690
00:34:57,386 --> 00:34:58,387
[chuckles]
691
00:34:59,597 --> 00:35:00,473
Mm-hmm.
692
00:35:00,973 --> 00:35:03,267
I've been fortunate enough
to get to travel a little bit,
693
00:35:03,351 --> 00:35:04,477
which is cool.
694
00:35:04,560 --> 00:35:08,689
I took a $25 bus ride
from Dallas to Houston one time.
695
00:35:08,773 --> 00:35:10,274
It was like a four-hour drive.
696
00:35:10,358 --> 00:35:13,778
I remember thinking, "Man, 25 bucks
and they take you to a whole other city?"
697
00:35:13,861 --> 00:35:15,029
"That's a great deal."
698
00:35:15,988 --> 00:35:17,990
Then the driver started screaming at us.
699
00:35:18,074 --> 00:35:19,867
[audience laughing]
700
00:35:19,951 --> 00:35:22,411
I started to understand
the pricing a little more.
701
00:35:22,495 --> 00:35:24,038
[audience laughing]
702
00:35:25,289 --> 00:35:27,792
He was like, "Two things
before we get going on this drive
703
00:35:27,875 --> 00:35:29,127
I wanna make very clear."
704
00:35:29,210 --> 00:35:32,547
"One... there's no smoking
of any kind on my bus."
705
00:35:32,630 --> 00:35:35,508
"Do not smoke.
I don't care who you are. No smoking."
706
00:35:35,591 --> 00:35:36,801
I was like, "All right."
707
00:35:37,802 --> 00:35:38,803
[blows air]
708
00:35:38,886 --> 00:35:41,472
[audience laughing]
709
00:35:45,101 --> 00:35:46,227
He's like, "Second...
710
00:35:47,353 --> 00:35:49,814
nobody gets naked on my bus."
711
00:35:49,897 --> 00:35:51,065
[audience laughing]
712
00:35:51,149 --> 00:35:53,151
That's when I was like, "Ahh."
713
00:35:54,068 --> 00:35:56,070
"I overpaid for this trip."
714
00:35:56,154 --> 00:35:57,822
[audience laughing]
715
00:35:57,905 --> 00:35:59,782
He scared the hell out of me
when he said that
716
00:35:59,866 --> 00:36:02,118
because there was only
three of us on the bus.
717
00:36:02,201 --> 00:36:04,203
[audience laughing]
718
00:36:05,746 --> 00:36:07,832
I was like, "Sir, do you know these two?"
719
00:36:07,915 --> 00:36:09,375
[audience laughing]
720
00:36:09,959 --> 00:36:13,963
Then I felt offended with them,
because what look do the three of us have
721
00:36:15,381 --> 00:36:18,509
that when this man saw us,
he was just like, "Mm-mm."
722
00:36:18,593 --> 00:36:20,678
[audience laughing]
723
00:36:20,761 --> 00:36:22,847
"These are some little sluts right here."
724
00:36:22,930 --> 00:36:24,724
[audience laughing]
725
00:36:26,267 --> 00:36:27,894
"I better make an announcement."
726
00:36:27,977 --> 00:36:29,312
[audience laughing]
727
00:36:32,106 --> 00:36:35,735
Like, "I... I'm grown, man.
You don't have to tell me to not get...
728
00:36:36,235 --> 00:36:38,946
to not get naked on a bus.
I'm not just gonna do that."
729
00:36:40,323 --> 00:36:41,657
That's what I told myself.
730
00:36:41,741 --> 00:36:43,576
[audience laughing]
731
00:36:44,577 --> 00:36:46,913
But I'll be honest.
Like 20 minutes into that ride,
732
00:36:46,996 --> 00:36:50,833
I was sitting there like,
"Don't... Don't get naked on the bus?"
733
00:36:50,917 --> 00:36:52,919
[audience laughing]
734
00:36:53,586 --> 00:36:56,172
I look back at those other two guys,
I was like, "Hey, he...
735
00:36:56,255 --> 00:36:59,008
he can't tell us
what to do with our bodies."
736
00:36:59,091 --> 00:37:01,093
[audience laughing]
737
00:37:05,223 --> 00:37:08,226
One thing I like about traveling
is going to different cities
738
00:37:08,309 --> 00:37:12,396
and trying, like, the junk food
that's famous out of that city.
739
00:37:12,480 --> 00:37:13,940
But, like, their local stuff.
740
00:37:14,023 --> 00:37:16,817
You know, from the hole-in-the-wall,
family-owned type businesses.
741
00:37:16,901 --> 00:37:19,237
That's where the best junk food
always comes from.
742
00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:21,530
I've also noticed
that every city's the same
743
00:37:21,614 --> 00:37:23,908
in the fact that the best junk food
744
00:37:23,991 --> 00:37:26,244
always comes from
the ghettoest neighborhoods.
745
00:37:26,911 --> 00:37:29,538
It's weird. It's like the more people
that have been shot in a place,
746
00:37:29,622 --> 00:37:30,957
the better the food gets.
747
00:37:32,541 --> 00:37:35,628
I don't even think it's anything
they do to the food in particular.
748
00:37:35,711 --> 00:37:37,546
I think it's just the fear.
749
00:37:38,756 --> 00:37:41,092
Like, knowing you can get shot
at any second,
750
00:37:41,175 --> 00:37:42,551
it makes you savor it more.
751
00:37:43,135 --> 00:37:45,012
You're like, "This might be my last."
752
00:37:45,096 --> 00:37:46,555
[audience chuckling]
753
00:37:46,639 --> 00:37:49,976
Sometimes I'll be having so much fun,
I'll drop my guard,
754
00:37:50,059 --> 00:37:53,729
and then I'll eat food that's so good,
it'll remind me to stay on my toes.
755
00:37:54,397 --> 00:37:56,565
You know, it's like 2:00 a.m.,
you leave the bar,
756
00:37:56,649 --> 00:37:58,776
you go to some late-night burger spot...
757
00:37:58,859 --> 00:38:01,153
You're just like,
"Damn, this burger's good."
758
00:38:02,613 --> 00:38:03,864
"A little too good."
759
00:38:03,948 --> 00:38:05,950
[audience laughing]
760
00:38:11,622 --> 00:38:15,293
Any time I'm in a different city
and wanna look for something good to eat,
761
00:38:15,376 --> 00:38:17,962
I never go on, like, Yelp or TikTok.
762
00:38:18,045 --> 00:38:19,672
I just... I just watch the news.
763
00:38:20,840 --> 00:38:24,385
I wait for them to be like,
"Local man shot at taco stand tonight."
764
00:38:24,885 --> 00:38:26,345
I'm like, "That's the spot."
765
00:38:26,429 --> 00:38:28,472
[audience laughing]
766
00:38:29,724 --> 00:38:31,058
I'll go that same night.
767
00:38:33,394 --> 00:38:35,354
'Cause you know
there's not gonna be a line.
768
00:38:35,438 --> 00:38:37,023
[audience laughing]
769
00:38:37,606 --> 00:38:40,609
I'll go up there like,
"Yo, is this where that guy was shot?"
770
00:38:41,819 --> 00:38:43,779
"Whatever he had, I want six of those."
771
00:38:43,863 --> 00:38:45,156
[audience laughing]
772
00:38:45,239 --> 00:38:47,992
Or I'll go to, like,
the corporate junk food places too.
773
00:38:48,075 --> 00:38:51,162
I just don't like
when their customer service is too good.
774
00:38:51,245 --> 00:38:54,623
Like, if I go to somewhere
where I'm not spending that much money,
775
00:38:54,707 --> 00:38:56,792
and they're being super nice to me,
776
00:38:56,876 --> 00:38:58,169
it gets uncomfortable.
777
00:38:58,753 --> 00:39:00,588
Like... like at those Chick-fil-As,
778
00:39:00,671 --> 00:39:02,548
[audience laughing]
779
00:39:03,049 --> 00:39:06,135
I'm just like, "All right.
Thank you for my chicken sandwich."
780
00:39:06,719 --> 00:39:07,887
"It's my pleasure."
781
00:39:07,970 --> 00:39:09,972
[audience laughing]
782
00:39:10,806 --> 00:39:11,640
"Yeah?"
783
00:39:11,724 --> 00:39:13,684
[audience laughing]
784
00:39:14,602 --> 00:39:16,187
"This is what does it for you?"
785
00:39:16,270 --> 00:39:17,938
[audience laughing]
786
00:39:18,898 --> 00:39:20,941
I'm like,
"You can have it back. I'm not even..."
787
00:39:21,025 --> 00:39:22,902
[audience laughing]
788
00:39:22,985 --> 00:39:25,780
- "I'm not even hungry anymore."
- [audience laughing]
789
00:39:26,364 --> 00:39:28,366
It only makes sense
when they treat you like that
790
00:39:28,449 --> 00:39:30,451
at the expensive, fancy restaurants.
791
00:39:30,534 --> 00:39:33,579
Those places where the more
money you spend, the nicer they get.
792
00:39:33,662 --> 00:39:35,831
Especially the service
in those places, man.
793
00:39:35,915 --> 00:39:39,168
When they're trying to earn a fat tip,
they'll be so nice to you,
794
00:39:39,251 --> 00:39:41,962
you almost feel like they're trying
to have sex with you a little bit.
795
00:39:42,922 --> 00:39:45,257
You'll be like, "Yo, can you bring us
another round of drinks
796
00:39:45,341 --> 00:39:47,218
and another order of that appetizer?"
797
00:39:47,301 --> 00:39:49,470
They're like,
"Yeah, of course. That's a smart choice."
798
00:39:49,553 --> 00:39:51,764
"You're a wise man,
and you have kind eyes."
799
00:39:51,847 --> 00:39:53,849
[audience laughing]
800
00:39:57,728 --> 00:40:00,606
I'm a sucker for it too.
I'll be like, "Yeah, I do all right."
801
00:40:00,689 --> 00:40:02,066
[audience laughing]
802
00:40:02,149 --> 00:40:03,317
"Here's more gratuity."
803
00:40:05,736 --> 00:40:07,696
It's not like that with fast food.
804
00:40:07,780 --> 00:40:10,991
With fast food, it's like the more
food I order, the madder they get.
805
00:40:11,075 --> 00:40:12,993
[audience laughing]
806
00:40:13,077 --> 00:40:15,663
We were on our way to a house party once,
807
00:40:15,746 --> 00:40:18,833
and we stopped at a McDonald's
and ordered 100 McChickens.
808
00:40:20,709 --> 00:40:23,337
I could see the cook behind the counter.
809
00:40:23,421 --> 00:40:24,922
He had this look on his face
810
00:40:25,756 --> 00:40:27,466
where you could tell he...
811
00:40:27,550 --> 00:40:29,760
he didn't wanna have sex with me at all.
812
00:40:29,844 --> 00:40:31,846
[audience laughing]
813
00:40:35,307 --> 00:40:38,227
I took one look at that man,
I was like, "He is not horny."
814
00:40:38,310 --> 00:40:40,312
[audience laughing]
815
00:40:43,232 --> 00:40:45,109
My first job was at a restaurant.
816
00:40:45,192 --> 00:40:46,402
When I was 12 years old,
817
00:40:46,485 --> 00:40:49,155
I was a dishwasher
at a Mexican seafood restaurant.
818
00:40:49,238 --> 00:40:52,116
Yeah. My grandma wanted me
to stay busy on the weekends.
819
00:40:52,199 --> 00:40:55,786
But I was just like, "Man, you...
You know there's, like, basketball...
820
00:40:57,455 --> 00:40:58,456
soccer," you know?
821
00:40:58,539 --> 00:41:01,375
She was like, "That stuff costs money,
this makes money. You gotta think."
822
00:41:01,459 --> 00:41:03,169
[audience laughing]
823
00:41:03,711 --> 00:41:06,797
Yeah, every Saturday and Sunday
from 10:00 a.m. to 10:00 p.m.,
824
00:41:06,881 --> 00:41:09,258
little 12-year-old me
washing dishes, you know?
825
00:41:09,341 --> 00:41:10,301
It wasn't that bad.
826
00:41:10,384 --> 00:41:12,928
My coworker... that dude, he was 11.
827
00:41:13,012 --> 00:41:15,014
[audience laughing]
828
00:41:17,057 --> 00:41:18,559
I was his supervisor.
829
00:41:18,642 --> 00:41:20,644
[audience laughing]
830
00:41:23,189 --> 00:41:26,901
I remember my first weekend there,
the older Mexican dudes got mad
831
00:41:26,984 --> 00:41:28,444
'cause I kept changing the radio.
832
00:41:28,527 --> 00:41:31,572
I couldn't get motivated
to the songs that they work to, man.
833
00:41:31,655 --> 00:41:35,618
Old Mexican dudes work their ass off
to the most lovey-dovey music
834
00:41:35,701 --> 00:41:36,911
all day at work.
835
00:41:37,453 --> 00:41:39,371
Which is wild 'cause right after work,
836
00:41:39,455 --> 00:41:41,832
they go home
and treat their women like shit.
837
00:41:41,916 --> 00:41:43,918
[raucous laughter]
838
00:41:48,506 --> 00:41:51,967
I remember one of the guys there,
he invited us to a cookout at his house,
839
00:41:52,051 --> 00:41:56,514
and it was wild to see him go
from chopping onions at work, like,
840
00:41:56,597 --> 00:41:59,350
♪ Sabes que me gustas tanto ♪
841
00:42:01,060 --> 00:42:03,562
And then that same night,
he's yelling at his wife like...
842
00:42:03,646 --> 00:42:05,189
"Pendeja, vete para adentro."
843
00:42:06,524 --> 00:42:10,110
I felt so bad for her. I was like,
"Oh my God. He's a sweetheart to us."
844
00:42:10,194 --> 00:42:12,196
[audience laughing]
845
00:42:14,573 --> 00:42:16,951
I was like, "Maybe you should
get a job with us, lady."
846
00:42:17,034 --> 00:42:19,036
[audience laughing]
847
00:42:19,119 --> 00:42:20,496
"Could save your marriage."
848
00:42:23,832 --> 00:42:26,252
I kept changing the radio,
and he screamed at me.
849
00:42:26,335 --> 00:42:28,629
He's like, "No toques el radio.
Don't touch the radio."
850
00:42:28,712 --> 00:42:30,214
I was like, "Whoa, damn."
851
00:42:30,297 --> 00:42:33,175
And then the next day,
I didn't talk, I didn't touch the radio.
852
00:42:33,259 --> 00:42:34,635
Just washed dishes all day.
853
00:42:34,718 --> 00:42:36,387
At the end of the night,
did a deep cleaning
854
00:42:36,470 --> 00:42:37,846
of the whole restaurant,
855
00:42:37,930 --> 00:42:39,723
and when the older Mexican dudes
were done,
856
00:42:39,807 --> 00:42:41,850
they sat on these boxes
in the middle of the kitchen,
857
00:42:41,934 --> 00:42:43,143
just talking, drinking.
858
00:42:43,227 --> 00:42:46,605
But I kept looking for things to clean.
I wanted to get back in their good graces
859
00:42:46,689 --> 00:42:49,275
and show them I'm a good kid,
I'm a hard worker.
860
00:42:49,358 --> 00:42:52,444
And then the one who screamed at me,
he called me over. He was like... [whistles]
861
00:42:53,237 --> 00:42:54,863
[audience chuckling]
862
00:42:54,947 --> 00:42:56,156
I went over there,
863
00:42:56,824 --> 00:42:59,076
and he got up off the box
and he pulled out a beer.
864
00:42:59,159 --> 00:43:00,703
He was like, "¿Quiere una cerveza?"
865
00:43:02,037 --> 00:43:03,414
He was offering me a beer.
866
00:43:03,956 --> 00:43:04,957
But I'm 12.
867
00:43:05,040 --> 00:43:07,585
[audience laughing]
868
00:43:07,668 --> 00:43:08,794
So I was like, "Okay."
869
00:43:08,877 --> 00:43:10,879
[audience laughing]
870
00:43:11,630 --> 00:43:13,173
I was like, "Nomás dos."
871
00:43:13,257 --> 00:43:15,509
[audience laughing]
872
00:43:15,593 --> 00:43:17,011
"Mañana tengo escuela."
873
00:43:17,094 --> 00:43:19,096
[audience laughing]
874
00:43:20,931 --> 00:43:24,184
[cheering and applauding]
875
00:43:27,271 --> 00:43:29,273
For any of my
non-Spanish-speaking friends,
876
00:43:29,356 --> 00:43:33,027
I basically let him know two is my cap
'cause I have school tomorrow.
877
00:43:33,110 --> 00:43:34,320
[audience laughing]
878
00:43:34,403 --> 00:43:37,364
No offense, but I don't wanna
work here the rest of my life with y'all.
879
00:43:37,448 --> 00:43:39,450
[audience laughing]
880
00:43:43,537 --> 00:43:46,206
But he gave me that beer,
and I felt so cool, man.
881
00:43:46,290 --> 00:43:50,461
I got my beer, I'm hanging out
with the adults, listening to them talk.
882
00:43:50,544 --> 00:43:53,756
I wanted to talk too, but I couldn't
find anything that I could relate to
883
00:43:53,839 --> 00:43:54,840
so I could pitch in.
884
00:43:54,923 --> 00:43:57,092
You know, they're talking about
grown-people stuff,
885
00:43:57,176 --> 00:44:00,429
like their kids, their bills, their wives.
886
00:44:00,512 --> 00:44:02,181
Like, "Ay, mi pinche vieja, güey."
887
00:44:02,264 --> 00:44:04,266
[audience laughing]
888
00:44:04,933 --> 00:44:06,310
But I tried my best to relate, man.
889
00:44:06,393 --> 00:44:08,812
I took a swig of my beer,
I was like, "Mm."
890
00:44:08,896 --> 00:44:10,898
"Yeah, my girl might be trippin', bro."
891
00:44:10,981 --> 00:44:12,941
[raucous laughter]
892
00:44:16,111 --> 00:44:18,822
I was like, "She never believes me.
I take showers!"
893
00:44:18,906 --> 00:44:20,908
[audience laughing]
894
00:44:28,374 --> 00:44:29,458
That's when I was 12.
895
00:44:29,541 --> 00:44:33,253
By the time I was 13,
I was tired... tired of working for the man.
896
00:44:33,879 --> 00:44:35,839
Started cutting hair out of my bedroom.
897
00:44:36,382 --> 00:44:39,635
The only way you can learn to cut hair
is by practicing on people.
898
00:44:40,344 --> 00:44:42,888
And none of my friends
wanted to let me practice on them.
899
00:44:43,389 --> 00:44:46,433
But, thankfully for me, all my friends
900
00:44:46,517 --> 00:44:48,102
were just poor enough...
901
00:44:48,185 --> 00:44:49,561
[audience laughing]
902
00:44:49,645 --> 00:44:51,939
...they had no choice
but to let me practice on them.
903
00:44:52,022 --> 00:44:52,898
[audience laughing]
904
00:44:52,981 --> 00:44:55,651
A lot of them had single moms
and a lot of siblings.
905
00:44:55,734 --> 00:44:58,278
Their moms couldn't afford
to take them and their brothers
906
00:44:58,362 --> 00:44:59,947
to a real barbershop.
907
00:45:00,030 --> 00:45:02,741
So they'll bring them to me,
I'll cut their hair for free,
908
00:45:02,825 --> 00:45:05,744
and then their moms, to help me,
would post the pictures on Facebook.
909
00:45:05,828 --> 00:45:07,705
Like, "I keep my baby looking fresh."
910
00:45:07,788 --> 00:45:08,997
[audience chuckling]
911
00:45:09,081 --> 00:45:12,584
Yeah. Since 13,
I've been empowering these ghetto queens.
912
00:45:12,668 --> 00:45:15,921
[audience laughing and cheering]
913
00:45:17,798 --> 00:45:18,882
It's just that sometimes,
914
00:45:18,966 --> 00:45:21,135
they would get too personal
with the posts.
915
00:45:21,218 --> 00:45:23,053
Post the pictures of the cuts,
916
00:45:23,137 --> 00:45:25,764
they'd be like, "I keep my babies
nice, fresh, and clean-cut,
917
00:45:25,848 --> 00:45:28,767
and I do it on my own.
No man paid for this."
918
00:45:29,727 --> 00:45:31,186
I'd be in the comments like,
919
00:45:31,270 --> 00:45:33,856
"Yeah, if anybody else
needs a free haircut..."
920
00:45:33,939 --> 00:45:35,941
[audience laughing]
921
00:45:37,234 --> 00:45:38,694
"...come to my grandma's."
922
00:45:38,777 --> 00:45:40,779
[audience laughing]
923
00:45:42,781 --> 00:45:46,910
Cutting hair from home is how I realized
my grandma didn't care about my safety.
924
00:45:46,994 --> 00:45:48,120
[audience laughing]
925
00:45:48,203 --> 00:45:51,373
There used to be grown men covered
in tattoos showing up at my doorstep,
926
00:45:51,457 --> 00:45:53,041
like, "Is little Ralphie here?"
927
00:45:54,168 --> 00:45:57,171
She'd be like,
"Yeah, he's in that room, by himself."
928
00:45:57,254 --> 00:46:00,090
[audience laughing]
929
00:46:02,760 --> 00:46:05,387
She even would
leave me alone with them sometimes.
930
00:46:06,180 --> 00:46:07,931
I saw her pulling out the driveway,
931
00:46:08,015 --> 00:46:10,434
and I ran out there, I was like,
"Grandma, what are you doing?"
932
00:46:10,517 --> 00:46:11,935
"There's an adult in there."
933
00:46:13,437 --> 00:46:16,190
She was like, "Yeah, he'll watch you.
I'll be right back."
934
00:46:16,273 --> 00:46:18,275
[audience laughing]
935
00:46:21,111 --> 00:46:22,988
Sometimes I'd mess up on these haircuts,
936
00:46:23,071 --> 00:46:25,908
and I would have these grown-ass men
just screaming at me
937
00:46:25,991 --> 00:46:27,659
in my little 13-year-old bedroom.
938
00:46:28,160 --> 00:46:30,496
As soon as I'd give them the mirror.
"Hey, let me see."
939
00:46:30,996 --> 00:46:34,041
"Goddamn. What the fuck, dumbass?"
940
00:46:34,124 --> 00:46:37,586
Like, "You don't know what you're doing.
You don't know how to cut no hair."
941
00:46:37,669 --> 00:46:39,838
But I would always tell them
the same thing.
942
00:46:40,589 --> 00:46:43,008
"I'm 13. Why would you let me do this?"
943
00:46:43,091 --> 00:46:46,887
[audience laughing and applauding]
944
00:46:47,596 --> 00:46:51,266
[cheering]
945
00:46:52,643 --> 00:46:54,102
And then I'd go off on them.
946
00:46:54,186 --> 00:46:55,687
[audience laughing]
947
00:46:55,771 --> 00:46:57,773
I'm like, "You walked into a room
948
00:46:58,273 --> 00:47:00,692
covered in Dragon Ball Z posters..."
949
00:47:00,776 --> 00:47:02,778
[audience laughing]
950
00:47:03,737 --> 00:47:06,073
"...and you really expected a quality cut
951
00:47:07,032 --> 00:47:10,285
from a dude who's never even
seen titties in real life."
952
00:47:10,369 --> 00:47:12,538
[audience laughing]
953
00:47:12,621 --> 00:47:15,207
I said, "No, sir.
You don't know what you're doing."
954
00:47:15,290 --> 00:47:16,583
[audience laughing]
955
00:47:16,667 --> 00:47:18,919
"Grandma, escort this gentleman
out the door."
956
00:47:19,002 --> 00:47:21,213
[raucous laughter and applause]
957
00:47:21,296 --> 00:47:25,050
[cheering]
958
00:47:28,804 --> 00:47:29,805
But yeah, man.
959
00:47:29,888 --> 00:47:32,266
[audience chuckling]
960
00:47:33,392 --> 00:47:36,395
I love... I love being able
to travel now, you know?
961
00:47:36,478 --> 00:47:38,063
It's opened my mind to a lot of things.
962
00:47:38,146 --> 00:47:40,482
I didn't realize this,
but I take some things for granted
963
00:47:40,566 --> 00:47:43,318
that people in other places,
they'd appreciate more.
964
00:47:43,402 --> 00:47:44,611
And vice versa.
965
00:47:44,695 --> 00:47:47,406
I was in Canada awhile back,
and I was talking to this girl.
966
00:47:47,489 --> 00:47:50,701
I said, "It's so cool how in Canada,
you guys have legal weed
967
00:47:50,784 --> 00:47:52,035
across the nation."
968
00:47:52,786 --> 00:47:56,290
And she was like, "You don't know
what the fuck you're talking about."
969
00:47:57,082 --> 00:47:59,251
I was like, "Oh my God. I... I don't."
970
00:47:59,334 --> 00:48:01,336
[audience laughing]
971
00:48:01,879 --> 00:48:03,380
She said, "Where are you from?"
972
00:48:03,463 --> 00:48:05,048
I said, "Well, I'm from Texas."
973
00:48:05,132 --> 00:48:07,843
She was like, "You see? In Canada,
we need to be more like Texas,
974
00:48:07,926 --> 00:48:10,596
'cause y'all have guns.
We need guns. I need a gun."
975
00:48:12,097 --> 00:48:14,016
I was like, "I think you'll be aight."
976
00:48:14,099 --> 00:48:16,393
[audience laughing]
977
00:48:16,476 --> 00:48:18,645
"I think you just need
somebody to talk to."
978
00:48:18,729 --> 00:48:20,230
[audience laughing]
979
00:48:21,023 --> 00:48:22,691
She was like, "You don't get it."
980
00:48:22,774 --> 00:48:25,110
"We don't all...
we don't all want legal weed
981
00:48:25,193 --> 00:48:28,405
'cause what a lot of people don't see
is when Canada legalized weed,
982
00:48:28,488 --> 00:48:29,907
it came with a lot of bullshit."
983
00:48:29,990 --> 00:48:31,617
"It gave the police more power."
984
00:48:31,700 --> 00:48:34,870
"Now they can pull you over,
search you for no real reason at all,
985
00:48:34,953 --> 00:48:38,290
they treat you bad. There's been
an increase in police brutality cases."
986
00:48:38,373 --> 00:48:40,125
And she's going on and on,
987
00:48:40,208 --> 00:48:43,378
and I don't know if that stuff is true,
but even if it is, like...
988
00:48:44,880 --> 00:48:48,675
Unfair treatment
as a tradeoff for legal weed?
989
00:48:50,010 --> 00:48:50,886
I'd take it.
990
00:48:50,969 --> 00:48:53,347
[audience laughing]
991
00:48:53,430 --> 00:48:56,183
Eh. I was like, "It sounds to me
like what you're going through,
992
00:48:56,266 --> 00:48:57,517
it don't sound that bad."
993
00:48:57,601 --> 00:48:59,895
It feels like if you grew up
in a household
994
00:48:59,978 --> 00:49:02,230
with, like, very strict,
but polite parents.
995
00:49:02,314 --> 00:49:04,816
They treat you right,
but they don't let you smoke.
996
00:49:04,900 --> 00:49:06,568
And then one day, these parents were like,
997
00:49:06,652 --> 00:49:09,196
"All right,
you can smoke weed in this house,
998
00:49:09,279 --> 00:49:11,865
but also,
we're gonna start hitting you now."
999
00:49:11,949 --> 00:49:14,326
[audience laughing]
1000
00:49:14,409 --> 00:49:17,162
I'd be like, "All right. As long as
I'm high when you're hitting me."
1001
00:49:17,245 --> 00:49:19,081
[audience laughing]
1002
00:49:19,164 --> 00:49:21,166
We'll literally go. A hit for a hit.
1003
00:49:21,249 --> 00:49:23,835
[audience laughing and applauding]
1004
00:49:28,632 --> 00:49:30,050
I didn't even realize...
1005
00:49:30,634 --> 00:49:34,763
like, I'm born and raised here in Texas,
but I didn't realize how accustomed to it,
1006
00:49:34,846 --> 00:49:38,350
how Texas I really was on the inside,
until I got to travel.
1007
00:49:38,433 --> 00:49:41,853
I remember the first time
I stayed in New York for a few weeks.
1008
00:49:42,396 --> 00:49:44,815
I was like 20, maybe,
and my buddy was pointing out to me,
1009
00:49:44,898 --> 00:49:48,318
he's like, "Hey, man,
have you noticed how over here,
1010
00:49:48,402 --> 00:49:50,112
nobody can walk around with guns?"
1011
00:49:50,195 --> 00:49:53,991
He's like, "The police can have guns.
We can't have guns, only the police can."
1012
00:49:54,491 --> 00:49:55,993
I was like, "Dang, for real."
1013
00:49:59,579 --> 00:50:00,956
"Am I Republican?"
1014
00:50:01,039 --> 00:50:03,041
[audience laughing]
1015
00:50:05,252 --> 00:50:07,713
Don't take that too serious.
These are just jokes.
1016
00:50:07,796 --> 00:50:09,798
[audience laughing]
1017
00:50:10,841 --> 00:50:14,177
It just threw me off is all,
'cause I'm not... I'm not used to that.
1018
00:50:14,261 --> 00:50:16,972
I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm used to,
yeah, the police walk around,
1019
00:50:17,055 --> 00:50:18,974
they have their gun at the holster.
1020
00:50:19,057 --> 00:50:21,727
Sometimes they might even
eyeball you a little bit.
1021
00:50:23,145 --> 00:50:26,481
Like as if to say,
"Hey, don't... don't start nothin' now."
1022
00:50:27,733 --> 00:50:29,901
And that's fine.
I'm used to that, you know.
1023
00:50:29,985 --> 00:50:33,321
I'm just also very used
to the way it is back home...
1024
00:50:33,405 --> 00:50:34,239
[woman whoops]
1025
00:50:34,322 --> 00:50:36,992
...where you can also walk around
with a gun at the holster.
1026
00:50:37,826 --> 00:50:39,411
And if you're feeling up to it,
1027
00:50:39,494 --> 00:50:41,830
you could eyeball the police back
a little bit.
1028
00:50:41,913 --> 00:50:44,583
[audience laughing and applauding]
1029
00:50:44,666 --> 00:50:47,294
[audience cheering]
1030
00:50:49,379 --> 00:50:51,381
You'd be like, "Hey, you neither, now."
1031
00:50:51,465 --> 00:50:53,091
[audience laughing]
1032
00:50:53,175 --> 00:50:55,052
I remember they used
to teach us that in school.
1033
00:50:55,135 --> 00:50:56,762
It's called checks and balances.
1034
00:50:56,845 --> 00:50:58,847
[audience laughing]
1035
00:51:00,599 --> 00:51:01,433
Um...
1036
00:51:02,059 --> 00:51:04,603
I went to Canada,
asked them about their gun laws.
1037
00:51:04,686 --> 00:51:06,313
Asked a few different people.
1038
00:51:06,396 --> 00:51:08,523
From what I can tell, in Canada,
1039
00:51:08,607 --> 00:51:11,068
it's, like, extremely difficult
to get a gun,
1040
00:51:11,151 --> 00:51:14,071
but if you can get one,
you can only keep it at your house,
1041
00:51:14,154 --> 00:51:17,657
which... I guess that sucks,
'cause what if you have enemies to kill?
1042
00:51:17,741 --> 00:51:19,117
[audience laughing]
1043
00:51:19,201 --> 00:51:21,411
What do you do then?
You have to invite them over?
1044
00:51:21,495 --> 00:51:23,205
[audience laughing]
1045
00:51:23,288 --> 00:51:26,374
I was like, "Yo, this is why
you Canadians get that stereotype
1046
00:51:26,458 --> 00:51:29,586
that you're all polite, man,
'cause somebody does you dirty,
1047
00:51:29,669 --> 00:51:31,922
you're like,
"What? You slept with my wife?"
1048
00:51:33,381 --> 00:51:35,008
"Come over for dinner tonight."
1049
00:51:35,092 --> 00:51:37,094
[audience laughing]
1050
00:51:42,057 --> 00:51:44,893
Also, I just wanna say this
to be 100% clear.
1051
00:51:44,976 --> 00:51:47,187
Like, I... Like, I feel
like I have to say it.
1052
00:51:47,938 --> 00:51:49,397
I'm not really Republican.
1053
00:51:49,481 --> 00:51:52,150
- [audience laughing and cheering]
- Yeah.
1054
00:51:52,234 --> 00:51:54,444
- No, no, no.
- [cheering continues]
1055
00:51:54,528 --> 00:51:55,529
Don't...
1056
00:51:56,113 --> 00:51:57,989
Don't clap. I'm not you either.
1057
00:51:58,073 --> 00:52:00,075
[audience laughing]
1058
00:52:00,784 --> 00:52:02,619
I've just never voted. I just...
1059
00:52:02,702 --> 00:52:04,162
[audience laughing]
1060
00:52:04,246 --> 00:52:06,414
Yeah, man.
Most people don't care, you know,
1061
00:52:06,498 --> 00:52:09,376
but I-I have made some...
some friends along the way,
1062
00:52:09,459 --> 00:52:11,753
some more liberal-type friends
that stop being my friends
1063
00:52:11,837 --> 00:52:13,630
when they find out I don't vote.
1064
00:52:13,713 --> 00:52:17,134
It was... it was in Brooklyn, New York,
dude got in my face about it.
1065
00:52:17,217 --> 00:52:19,469
He was like, "You don't... you don't vote?"
1066
00:52:20,720 --> 00:52:22,222
"What, you don't give a fuck?"
1067
00:52:22,305 --> 00:52:23,723
[audience laughing]
1068
00:52:23,807 --> 00:52:26,226
I'm like,
"Yo, man, that's not cool. I care."
1069
00:52:26,309 --> 00:52:28,311
"Well, not really, but that's not cool."
1070
00:52:29,271 --> 00:52:32,774
I don't like the way he did that.
I felt like he was judging me a little.
1071
00:52:32,858 --> 00:52:34,025
I don't know how he grew up.
1072
00:52:34,109 --> 00:52:36,278
Maybe, you know,
maybe he had some political literacy.
1073
00:52:36,361 --> 00:52:38,113
But I don't. Nobody taught me about that.
1074
00:52:38,196 --> 00:52:40,949
I was raised by my grandma.
She had just got to this country.
1075
00:52:41,032 --> 00:52:44,119
She's not gonna encourage me to vote.
She was just like, "Don't touch nothin'..."
1076
00:52:44,202 --> 00:52:45,745
[audience laughing]
1077
00:52:46,413 --> 00:52:48,081
"Let's just be happy to be here."
1078
00:52:50,333 --> 00:52:51,334
My mom, you know...
1079
00:52:51,418 --> 00:52:52,961
My mom had me at 16.
1080
00:52:53,044 --> 00:52:55,297
You think she's gonna
teach me about politics?
1081
00:52:55,380 --> 00:52:57,632
I watched that kid grow up
before my own eyes.
1082
00:52:57,716 --> 00:52:59,718
[audience laughing]
1083
00:53:01,595 --> 00:53:03,138
- Yeah.
- [cheering]
1084
00:53:05,098 --> 00:53:08,476
My dad was the only one who
knew about laws or the judicial system,
1085
00:53:08,560 --> 00:53:10,478
but that's 'cause he was an astronaut.
1086
00:53:10,562 --> 00:53:12,564
[audience laughing]
1087
00:53:16,985 --> 00:53:18,820
Yeah. I mean, I'll vote eventually.
1088
00:53:18,904 --> 00:53:21,990
I'm not like, "Yo, I'll never vote."
No, I'll vote eventually.
1089
00:53:22,073 --> 00:53:25,660
And I also don't judge
anybody's political preferences.
1090
00:53:25,744 --> 00:53:27,412
If you're left, right, red, blue.
1091
00:53:27,495 --> 00:53:30,123
I don't care if you like immigrants,
if you hate immigrants.
1092
00:53:30,207 --> 00:53:32,083
Just leave my girl out of it, please.
1093
00:53:32,167 --> 00:53:33,960
[audience laughing]
1094
00:53:35,837 --> 00:53:38,173
I don't judge, man.
I get along with everybody.
1095
00:53:39,424 --> 00:53:42,302
Well, there's, like, one group of people,
one small group,
1096
00:53:42,385 --> 00:53:44,846
that I... that I do judge a little bit.
1097
00:53:45,639 --> 00:53:49,517
And I'm not even saying they're wrong.
I just... I just judge them a little bit.
1098
00:53:50,352 --> 00:53:52,687
And it is Latino Republicans.
1099
00:53:52,771 --> 00:53:55,065
[audience chuckling]
1100
00:53:55,148 --> 00:53:57,317
- Yeah.
- [audience cheering and applauding]
1101
00:53:59,194 --> 00:54:00,028
Yeah.
1102
00:54:01,196 --> 00:54:03,573
I mean, more power to you,
but you look weird.
1103
00:54:03,657 --> 00:54:05,033
[audience laughing]
1104
00:54:05,116 --> 00:54:07,911
Even white Republicans
look at you like, "Huh?"
1105
00:54:07,994 --> 00:54:09,996
[audience laughing]
1106
00:54:10,538 --> 00:54:13,291
It's just weird to see some brown dude
say something off the wall,
1107
00:54:13,375 --> 00:54:15,919
like... [in heavy accent]
"Hey, we gotta stop immigrants."
1108
00:54:16,002 --> 00:54:17,671
[audience laughing]
1109
00:54:19,381 --> 00:54:21,132
[in normal voice]
Like, "When'd you get here?"
1110
00:54:21,216 --> 00:54:23,218
[audience laughing]
1111
00:54:24,886 --> 00:54:27,013
But yeah. But to each their own, you know?
1112
00:54:27,097 --> 00:54:30,767
I don't really care too much about it all,
like the laws or anything.
1113
00:54:30,850 --> 00:54:32,852
I don't take them too much... serious.
1114
00:54:33,395 --> 00:54:35,772
I mean, I like...
Being from Texas, I like guns.
1115
00:54:35,855 --> 00:54:37,941
I'm not, like, super into guns, you know.
1116
00:54:38,024 --> 00:54:40,902
My friends are.
They got, like, safes full of guns.
1117
00:54:40,986 --> 00:54:43,655
I did buy a gun 'cause I wanted to fit in.
1118
00:54:43,738 --> 00:54:45,115
[audience laughing]
1119
00:54:45,198 --> 00:54:47,575
But I didn't buy bullets.
Those are dangerous.
1120
00:54:47,659 --> 00:54:49,661
[audience laughing]
1121
00:54:53,039 --> 00:54:55,917
I... I just got the gun
so I can bond with my boys, you know?
1122
00:54:56,001 --> 00:54:57,836
We do activities together.
1123
00:54:57,919 --> 00:55:00,380
Like, we go to the shooting range together
all the time.
1124
00:55:00,880 --> 00:55:02,757
I don't buy bullets there either, though.
1125
00:55:03,258 --> 00:55:05,885
I just get my gun,
I go in my booth, and I make noises.
1126
00:55:05,969 --> 00:55:07,887
I be like, "Blam, blam, blam!"
1127
00:55:07,971 --> 00:55:09,973
[audience laughing]
1128
00:55:13,893 --> 00:55:16,229
My boy was looking at me like,
"What are you doing?"
1129
00:55:17,731 --> 00:55:18,606
But I don't care.
1130
00:55:18,690 --> 00:55:20,942
I just look back at him like,
"Shut the fuck..."
1131
00:55:21,026 --> 00:55:22,360
[audience laughing]
1132
00:55:30,577 --> 00:55:33,288
[audience chuckling]
1133
00:55:34,164 --> 00:55:36,916
Guns make watching TV
with, like, your family funner.
1134
00:55:37,751 --> 00:55:40,045
I just be sitting there
looking at everybody...
1135
00:55:42,505 --> 00:55:44,424
[imitates gun cocking]
"Who has the remote?"
1136
00:55:44,507 --> 00:55:46,509
[audience laughing]
1137
00:55:48,428 --> 00:55:50,597
When you don't buy bullets,
you technically have access
1138
00:55:50,680 --> 00:55:52,349
to any kind of bullets you'd ever want.
1139
00:55:52,432 --> 00:55:54,225
It's all up to your imagination.
1140
00:55:54,934 --> 00:55:57,687
Some days I'm in the range,
and I'm like, "Blam, blam!"
1141
00:55:59,731 --> 00:56:02,025
I saw those Star Wars movies on TNT
1142
00:56:02,108 --> 00:56:04,361
and I was in there like...
[mimics laser gun firing]
1143
00:56:04,444 --> 00:56:06,446
[audience laughing]
1144
00:56:12,035 --> 00:56:14,496
Shit. My girl just put me on
to those Harry Potter movies.
1145
00:56:14,579 --> 00:56:16,414
I was in there like... [chanting]
1146
00:56:16,498 --> 00:56:18,500
[audience laughing]
1147
00:56:25,048 --> 00:56:27,133
Yeah, my friends don't like that, though.
1148
00:56:27,675 --> 00:56:30,011
They're like,
"Why do you come to the gun range
1149
00:56:30,553 --> 00:56:32,097
if you're just gonna pretend?"
1150
00:56:33,723 --> 00:56:34,891
I said, "Pretend?"
1151
00:56:35,975 --> 00:56:39,396
I'm like, "Bro, you bought bullets
and a piece of paper to shoot at."
1152
00:56:40,939 --> 00:56:43,441
"You just paid money
to pretend harder than I do."
1153
00:56:43,525 --> 00:56:46,611
[audience laughing and applauding]
1154
00:56:49,030 --> 00:56:52,450
Like, "If anything, you're wasting money,
'cause sometimes you miss."
1155
00:56:52,534 --> 00:56:54,285
[audience laughing]
1156
00:56:54,369 --> 00:56:55,662
"I never miss."
1157
00:56:55,745 --> 00:56:59,207
[audience cheering and applauding]
1158
00:57:01,209 --> 00:57:04,003
I'll be in my booth like,
"Head shot. Again."
1159
00:57:04,087 --> 00:57:06,047
[audience laughing]
1160
00:57:06,131 --> 00:57:07,048
[cheering]
1161
00:57:11,344 --> 00:57:13,721
And one of my boys
got all in my face about it, man.
1162
00:57:13,805 --> 00:57:15,515
He takes guns very serious,
which you should.
1163
00:57:15,598 --> 00:57:17,350
You should take a gun very serious.
1164
00:57:17,434 --> 00:57:19,602
I mean, I don't.
It's all a joke to me, but...
1165
00:57:19,686 --> 00:57:21,187
[audience laughing]
1166
00:57:21,271 --> 00:57:23,022
He was like,
"Man, if you're gonna have a gun,
1167
00:57:23,106 --> 00:57:25,316
you always need to carry bullets, man."
1168
00:57:25,400 --> 00:57:27,527
"It's not a toy.
It's not something to play with."
1169
00:57:27,610 --> 00:57:30,905
He said, "God forbid, one day your life
could come into some real danger,
1170
00:57:30,989 --> 00:57:34,617
and if that day ever comes, you'll wish
you had bullets to protect yourself."
1171
00:57:35,118 --> 00:57:36,870
And that's probably true, you know?
1172
00:57:36,953 --> 00:57:38,204
He's most likely right.
1173
00:57:38,705 --> 00:57:40,498
But... I don't know, man.
1174
00:57:40,582 --> 00:57:44,002
Like... I don't think I'd have the heart
to actually shoot somebody.
1175
00:57:44,085 --> 00:57:45,712
But if my life was really in danger,
1176
00:57:45,795 --> 00:57:48,006
I don't need the bullets
to protect myself.
1177
00:57:48,089 --> 00:57:50,717
I just need the gun itself
to scare people off,
1178
00:57:50,800 --> 00:57:52,427
make 'em think I'm crazy.
1179
00:57:52,510 --> 00:57:55,305
You know? Somebody'll run up on me
like, "Give me your money!"
1180
00:57:55,388 --> 00:57:56,806
I'll be like... [imitates gun cocking]
1181
00:57:56,890 --> 00:57:59,684
"I don't fucking need this right now, man,
I swear to God!"
1182
00:57:59,767 --> 00:58:02,061
[raucous laughter]
1183
00:58:02,145 --> 00:58:03,688
[yelling]
1184
00:58:03,771 --> 00:58:05,773
[audience laughing and applauding]
1185
00:58:11,029 --> 00:58:13,823
[cheering]
1186
00:58:17,243 --> 00:58:20,121
He'll be like, "Keep your money
and your dick, man. I'm sorry."
1187
00:58:20,205 --> 00:58:22,207
[raucous laughter]
1188
00:58:27,420 --> 00:58:29,547
Yeah. Guns are cool, man. Bullets are bad.
1189
00:58:29,631 --> 00:58:31,633
[audience laughing]
1190
00:58:34,135 --> 00:58:36,179
I don't know.
I'm trying not to be insensitive,
1191
00:58:36,262 --> 00:58:39,140
but I don't think I'm that much
of a sensitive dude in the first place.
1192
00:58:39,224 --> 00:58:41,768
Like, I don't even mind getting profiled...
1193
00:58:41,851 --> 00:58:42,769
correctly.
1194
00:58:42,852 --> 00:58:44,437
[scattered chuckles]
1195
00:58:44,521 --> 00:58:47,398
Yeah. When they get it wrong,
it can be hurtful, you know?
1196
00:58:47,899 --> 00:58:49,651
Like if somebody
was to come up to me like,
1197
00:58:49,734 --> 00:58:53,530
"Look at this construction worker,
lawnmower," you know?
1198
00:58:53,613 --> 00:58:56,241
I'd be like, "Damn, that's messed up.
I don't even work hard."
1199
00:58:56,324 --> 00:58:57,784
[audience laughing]
1200
00:58:59,202 --> 00:59:01,829
But if somebody came up to me
and was like, "Yo...
1201
00:59:02,622 --> 00:59:04,624
look at this bean-eating..."
1202
00:59:04,707 --> 00:59:05,833
[audience tittering]
1203
00:59:05,917 --> 00:59:07,794
"...Hot Cheeto-loving..."
1204
00:59:07,877 --> 00:59:09,045
[audience laughing]
1205
00:59:10,129 --> 00:59:13,174
"...dish-washing, Dragon Ball-watching..."
1206
00:59:14,634 --> 00:59:16,219
I'd be like, "Damn, he's good."
1207
00:59:16,302 --> 00:59:17,804
[raucous laughter]
1208
00:59:22,308 --> 00:59:23,268
I don't know. I...
1209
00:59:23,768 --> 00:59:27,689
I also... I learned the pros and cons
of racially profiling people
1210
00:59:27,772 --> 00:59:29,232
at a young age.
1211
00:59:29,315 --> 00:59:33,653
Like, when I was 13, me and my buddy Jaime
went walking to a 7-Eleven gas station
1212
00:59:33,736 --> 00:59:36,072
to get some ice cream.
It was summer. It was hot.
1213
00:59:36,155 --> 00:59:37,740
And when we got to the freezer,
1214
00:59:37,824 --> 00:59:40,076
I remember there was this
orange push pop I wanted to get.
1215
00:59:40,159 --> 00:59:42,245
You remember those?
You'd push it from the bottom?
1216
00:59:42,328 --> 00:59:44,998
It's, like, in this weird
Downy toilet paper roll-looking...
1217
00:59:45,081 --> 00:59:47,250
[audience laughing]
1218
00:59:47,333 --> 00:59:48,251
It was good.
1219
00:59:49,043 --> 00:59:51,504
And I remember it so vividly.
It was the last one.
1220
00:59:51,588 --> 00:59:54,382
I was about to grab it, but my buddy Jaime
and his long-ass fingers
1221
00:59:54,465 --> 00:59:56,092
just got to it before I could.
1222
00:59:57,635 --> 00:59:59,095
But right when he gripped it,
1223
00:59:59,178 --> 01:00:01,848
and I'll never forget
the sound of this man's voice,
1224
01:00:01,931 --> 01:00:04,100
and the fear that his voice
put in my heart,
1225
01:00:04,183 --> 01:00:05,810
'cause he wanted us to hear him.
1226
01:00:06,477 --> 01:00:09,439
This man, this cashier,
he said to the woman cashier,
1227
01:00:09,522 --> 01:00:11,024
he goes, "Watch this, Brenda."
1228
01:00:11,107 --> 01:00:12,942
"That motherfucker's
gonna grab that ice cream
1229
01:00:13,026 --> 01:00:15,278
and put it right in his fucking pocket."
1230
01:00:15,361 --> 01:00:18,573
And I knew he was talking about us,
and I got scared. I froze.
1231
01:00:18,656 --> 01:00:20,783
And my buddy Jaime
let go of the ice cream,
1232
01:00:20,867 --> 01:00:22,619
and he stood up for himself.
1233
01:00:22,702 --> 01:00:24,871
Which was wild. We were shy kids, man.
1234
01:00:24,954 --> 01:00:27,457
We never stood up
to people our own age, you know?
1235
01:00:27,540 --> 01:00:30,335
We used to get bullied,
we'd take the ass-whoopin' and move on.
1236
01:00:30,418 --> 01:00:32,045
[audience laughing]
1237
01:00:32,128 --> 01:00:36,341
But Jaime was mad. He was offended
that somebody accused him of stealing.
1238
01:00:36,424 --> 01:00:38,593
'Cause he was a hard-working kid.
He earned his money.
1239
01:00:38,676 --> 01:00:40,678
He was the 11-year-old that was my...
1240
01:00:44,557 --> 01:00:46,309
We used to wash dishes together.
1241
01:00:50,104 --> 01:00:51,939
Anyway, he stood up for himself.
1242
01:00:52,023 --> 01:00:53,566
He looked at that cashier,
1243
01:00:53,650 --> 01:00:56,944
he said, "Excuse, me, sir,
are you profiling me right now?"
1244
01:00:57,528 --> 01:00:59,781
And the cashier was like,
"You call it what you want, man."
1245
01:00:59,864 --> 01:01:02,825
He's like, "Little fuckers like you
come in and steal shit all the time."
1246
01:01:02,909 --> 01:01:04,744
He's like, "I don't need you in my store."
1247
01:01:04,827 --> 01:01:08,581
Jaime was mad. He's like, "You don't...
you don't know who I am or how I am."
1248
01:01:08,665 --> 01:01:10,416
He's like,
"We've never stolen from you, man."
1249
01:01:10,500 --> 01:01:12,752
"We come in here all the time
and buy snacks."
1250
01:01:12,835 --> 01:01:15,254
And I was just like, "Yo, don't say 'we.'"
1251
01:01:15,338 --> 01:01:17,965
[audience laughing]
1252
01:01:21,511 --> 01:01:23,888
He's like, "You don't have any right
to talk to us like that."
1253
01:01:23,971 --> 01:01:25,973
He's like, "You may not know this
from looking at me,
1254
01:01:26,057 --> 01:01:28,476
but I'm a hard-working kid.
I earn my money."
1255
01:01:28,559 --> 01:01:30,728
He's like, "We come in here,
we buy snacks all the time."
1256
01:01:30,812 --> 01:01:33,064
"Never once have we stolen, man.
I don't have to steal."
1257
01:01:33,147 --> 01:01:36,401
"I take a lot of pride in the fact that
I work for the money to buy these snacks
1258
01:01:36,484 --> 01:01:37,819
whenever I want them."
1259
01:01:37,902 --> 01:01:40,321
And all the adults in the store
start listening to the story,
1260
01:01:40,405 --> 01:01:42,073
and they start cheering on Jaime.
1261
01:01:42,156 --> 01:01:44,951
They're like, "Hell, yeah.
Tell his ass, kid. Tell him."
1262
01:01:45,576 --> 01:01:47,453
So all the attention is on Jaime,
1263
01:01:48,037 --> 01:01:50,498
I grabbed that ice cream,
I put it right in my pocket.
1264
01:01:50,581 --> 01:01:53,084
[raucous laughter]
1265
01:01:53,167 --> 01:01:55,169
[audience cheering and applauding]
1266
01:01:55,753 --> 01:01:58,631
That dude was right to profile.
He just got the wrong one.
1267
01:01:58,715 --> 01:01:59,716
[raucous laughter]
1268
01:01:59,799 --> 01:02:01,676
Hey, thank you guys so much, man.
1269
01:02:01,759 --> 01:02:04,846
- [audience cheering wildly and applauding]
- Appreciate it.
1270
01:02:04,929 --> 01:02:06,431
I appreciate it. Thank you.
1271
01:02:06,514 --> 01:02:08,683
[upbeat hip-hop music playing]
1272
01:02:08,766 --> 01:02:10,768
- Thank you.
- [cheering continues]
1273
01:02:11,352 --> 01:02:12,186
Thank you.
1274
01:02:12,812 --> 01:02:14,147
Thank you, thank you.
1275
01:02:21,863 --> 01:02:25,241
- [upbeat hip-hop music continues]
- [applause continues]
1276
01:02:37,003 --> 01:02:38,004
♪ Go! ♪
1277
01:02:43,634 --> 01:02:45,011
♪ Let's go! ♪
1278
01:02:57,774 --> 01:02:58,775
♪ Go! ♪
1279
01:03:04,739 --> 01:03:05,740
♪ Go! ♪
1280
01:03:18,377 --> 01:03:19,378
♪ Go! ♪
1281
01:03:25,009 --> 01:03:26,302
♪ Let's go! ♪
1282
01:03:38,981 --> 01:03:39,982
♪ Go! ♪
1283
01:03:45,613 --> 01:03:46,989
♪ Let's go! ♪
1284
01:03:59,502 --> 01:04:00,503
♪ Go! ♪
1285
01:04:05,007 --> 01:04:06,008
{\an8}[music ends]
1286
01:04:08,261 --> 01:04:12,640
[insects buzzing]
102578
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.