All language subtitles for Better Off Ted (2009) - S02E04 - Its Nothing Business, Its Just Personal_track3_[eng]

I Like The People I Work With,
But I've Always Believed

It's Important To Keep
Your Personal Life

Separate From Your Work Life.

Otherwise‐‐
So Did You Have Sex
With That Girl Last Night?

Gee, That's Totally
Your Business.

But, Uh, I'm Trying To Keep
My Personal Life‐‐
Much More Accessible
To All Of
Us?

That's Good, Because That's
What Makes Work Interesting.
I Think Work
Make
S Work Interesting.

Oh, God. No Wonder
She Wouldn't Have Sex With You.

That‐‐That Wasn't, Um...

I Was The One...

We Both Felt‐‐
You Shoulda Shown Her
That Flustered Thing.

It Woulda Totally Sealed It.

No, I‐I Wasn't‐‐
Yeah, That.

Good Morning, Lem.

Whoa.

What's With
The Red Lab Coat?

I Don't Know.

When I Went To My Locker
This Morning,

Instead Of A Freshly Laundered
White Lab Coat,

Which Is What's Been
In My Locker Every Morning

For The Last 11 Years,
There Was This.

Are All Our Lab Coats Red?

No. Mine Is Still White.

Okay. I Am Not Angry. I Just
Need To Know What's Happening.

I Don't Know.

Well, Change Doesn't Always
Have To Be Bad, Right?

Remember When I Stopped Doing
That Finger Gun Thing?

Everyone Liked That.

Oh, My God. It's True.

It's Even Redder
Than I Imagined.

And I Imagined It
Quite Red.

What Does It Mean?

We Don't Know.
You're Lying!

I'm Sorry. It's The Coat.

Its Differentness
Is Making Me Say Things.

That's It.
We Need Answers.

I've Spent My Entire Life
Trying To Blend In.

When I Shaved Off My Fu Manchu,
I Thought I Was There. Now This?

I Miss That Fu Manchu.

(Sighs) Talk About Pizzazz.

So The Testing Results
Were Inconclusive.

Usually That's What People Say
When Something Tests Badly,

And This Is A Good Example
Of That.

Turns Out Developing Cheese
That Never Spoils

Is Harder Than We Thought.

Right Now, It's More Of
A Cheddar‐Colored Fabric

That Does Spoil.

So We Need You
To Talk To Chet

And Get Him To Push
The Deadline.

(Purring)

Are You Purring?

(Purring Continues)

Or Growling?

Oh, Man. Are You Gonna Start
Growling Now When You're Mad?

Because That's Gonna Be Hard
To Adjust To.

(Ted) Veronica?

(Purring Continues)

Veronica.

(Gasps) What?
What Is So Damn Important?

Uh, You Fell Asleep.

Well, Maybe You Two Are Boring.
Did You Ever Think Of That?

(Ted) Veronica Has
A Very High‐Powered Job.

To Blow Off Steam,
She Recently Started

A New,
Very Exciting Relationship

With An Extremely Passionate
Man With Huge Appetites

Named Mordor.

(Clattering)

He's Also
A World‐Class Magician.

(Bell Dings)
Oh.

(Whooshing Sound)

(Ding)

Ahh.

Unfortunately,
This New Relationship

Has Made Veronica
A Little Distracted At Work.

(Crash)
(Voice Breaks) Occupied.

You Know You're Spreading
Cream Cheese On Your Iphone?

Oh.

Then Where's My Bagel?

The Relationship
Is Very Intense.

This Weekend, Mordor And I
Are Going Scuba Diving.

Last Weekend, We Raced Cars
In The Desert

And Ate A Rattlesnake...

And A Goat
That Wandered Into Our Camp

And Then A Light Salad.

But Mostly, We Have Sex‐‐
Hours And Hours Of It.

Last Weekend,
I Helped My Daughter

Build A House Of Legos.

I Know I've Been
A Little Distracted Lately,

But I'll Be Fine.

I'm Just Living An Exciting
And Full Life‐‐

Burning The Candle
At Both Ends,

The Way My Great‐Grandfather,
A Misunderstood Candle Maker,

Insisted Candles
Should Be Burned.

Whenever I Have Sex, I Have To
Be Alert The Next Day

So I Don't Make Mistakes.

I Have To Be Alert During Sex
So I Don't Make Mistakes.

Basically, I Always
Have To Be Alert.
Is It Possible
To Make Mistakes During
Sex,

For A Woman To Make Mistakes
During Sex?

I'm On A Very Tight Deadline
With This, Ted.

I Need Veronica To Focus.
You Know Her Boyfriend.

You Should Tell Him
To Dial It Down

So Veronica Can Do Her Job.
Well, Let's See. Would A Guy
Welcome Another Guy

Telling Him To Have Less
Sex With His Girlfriend?

Yeah. That's A Normal Thing
Guys Tell Each Other To Do.

So You Think It's Okay
For A Relationship

To Be Completely
On The Man's Terms?

God, You'd Be Hard
To Go Out With.
H‐‐I Am Fantastic
To Go Out With.

I‐‐I'm Thoughtful
As A Man Can Be

While Still Pillaging Like
A Viking In The Bedroom.

But I Am Not Getting Involved
In Veronica's Personal Life.

So My Boss Gets To Have All
The Sex‐Fun Of A Relationship

While All The Stress
Of Being Exhausted

Trickles Down To Me?
Man, Capitalism Blows.

We Have A Problem.

What's With
The Red Lab Coat?
Exactly.

The Company Wants Me
To Wear It.
Why?

Exactly.
I Called The Laundry People.

They Said It Was Assigned To Me,
But They Don't Know Why.

The Laundry People‐‐Useless.
Well, They Do
Do Laundry.

You Love
The Laundry People.

You Take Their Side
In Everything.

First Of All,
I Do Love The Laundry People.

Secondly,
I'll Look Into The Coat.

In The Meantime,
Maybe It's Not A Bad Thing.

Maybe The Company
Is Singling You Out

Because You Did Something Good.

Maybe It's An Honor.

I Did Finish The Super‐Fast
Spy Pigeon Project

Ahead Of Schedule.
I Worked On The Super‐Fast
Spy Pigeon Project.

I'm The One
That Made It Wireless.

Before Me, It Could Only Spy
On People Right Next To It.

Why Didn't I Get
A Red Lab Coat?
I Did More Work Than You.

I Was Late One Day
Because My Wife Was Choking.

It's Not Fair!

I'm Penalized Because My Wife
Eats Breakfast Fast.

She's Hungry
In The Morning.

He's Here.

Oh, Thank God.
Who?

I Don't Care.
It Gets Me Out Of This.
Mordor. Veronica's Boyfriend.

He Says He's Surprising Her
And Taking Her To Lunch And Sex.

The Man Is Relentless
And Very Candid.

Wow. Can You Imagine
How Great It Would Be

To Just Take Veronica Out
In The Middle Of The Day

And Have Lunch With Her?

You Should Try To Aim Higher
With Your Fantasies.

Veronica Is Supposed To Meet
With Chet This Afternoon

And Get Us That Extension.

What If She Comes Back
Exhausted And Purring?

You're Right.

All Right.
I'll Go Talk To Mordor.

The Man Lives A Life Of Excess.

Maybe I Can Sell Him
On The Exciting Adventure

Of Having Less Sex With His
Incredibly Hot Girlfriend.

I May Phrase It Differently.

Hey, Mordor.

Hey, Ted.

Um, I Need To Talk To You

About Something
That's A Little Awkward.
You Have A Crush On Me.

What? No. What?
Men Often Do, Ted. I Find It's
Best To Just Get It Out There.

No, No.
Th‐This Is About Veronica.

See, She Has
A Very High‐Pressure Job.

And She Does It
With 100% Focus.

Oh, She's The Same In Bed
Or When Dismembering A Goat.

Right. So You And The Other
Animals Have Seen It.

The Thing Is,

Lately, She Hasn't Been
Getting Enough Sleep...

Because She's With You...

Doing Things,
Things That Are Fun,

But, You Know,
Tire A Gal Out.

Whoa. Wh‐‐

A‐Are You Suggesting

That Sometimes
When I'm With Veronica,

I Should...
Just Let Her Go To Sleep?
Exactly.

And Then Have
Sex With Her?

I'm Gonna Start Again.

It Would Be Good If You Had
Less Sex With Veronica.

The End.
(Claps Hands)

Oh.

(Woman Grunting And Moaning)

(Man Groans)

(Woman Grunts)
(Man) Ah!

Hey. What Did You Say
To Mordor?

I Did Not Tell Him
To Have Sex With Veronica

While She's Sleeping.

Why? What Did He Do?
I Walked In
To The Supply Closet,

And He Was In Th
Ere
With Ashley From Accounting,

And They Were Not
Looking For Supplies

Unless She Uses Her Ya‐Ha
To Store Office Supplies

And Uses His Yang‐Doodle
To Look For Things.

That's What My Mom Calls It.
All I Said Was Maybe He Should

Dial It Down A Little Bit
With Veronica.

Well, He Must Have Taken That
As A Green Light To Fool Around,

Because He Was Going At
That Accounting Chick

Like He Wanted Sparks
To Come Out.
Well, Gee.
Maybe It Was A Mistake

To Get Involved
In Veronica's Personal Life.

Oh, Don't Be That Guy
Who Points Fingers.

No One Likes A Pointer.

Even In The Dog World,
They're Seen As Insufferable.

Veronica Needs To Know
What's Going On.
Oh, No, No, No.
She Doesn't Need To Kn
Ow.

No One Needs To Know.

In Fact, You Should Forget.
And I‐I Will, Too.

Forget What?
I Don't Even Remember.
It's Happening In The Office.
She's Gonna
Find Out.

Better From You
Than From Office Gossip.

Me? You Mean The‐‐The Person
Who Didn't Want To Get Involved

In This In The First Place?
(Scoffs) I Can't Believe
You're Still Bringing That
Up.

You've Really Got A Stick Up
Your Boodle‐Doodle About That.

(Sighs)

Veronica.

We Need To Talk.
(Purring)

Veronica.

What? Oh, Ted.

I Was Having The Best Dream
About Mordor.

He Makes Me So Happy.

I Feel Free And Untethered,

Like A Spy Pigeon
Without A Wire.
Ah.

So What's Up?

Uh...

The Red Lab Coat.

The Guys Were Wondering
What It Means.
Well, You Can't Tell Them,

But It Has No Meaning
Whatsoever.

It Was Given Out Randomly.
Why?

The Company Commissioned A Study
Which Showed That Any Change

In The Work Environment
Increases Productivity.

Any Change,
It Doesn't Matter What.
That's Crazy.

Giving One Person
A Different Lab Coat

Can't Possibly
Make Everybody Work Harder.

I Am So Going To Win
That Coat Tomorrow.
Oh, No, You're Not,

Because I'm Working Faster
And More Efficiently Than Ever.

So The Painted Stripe
That Appeared Suddenly

In The Hallway Last Week?
You Mean Two Days Before
Quarterly Reports Were Due,

All Of Which
Were Turned In Early?

And The Drinking Fountain

That Just Stopped Working
For No Reason?

That Was Broken, Ted.
God, You People Are Paranoid.

No Wonder The Company Has To
Secretly Manipulate You.

So... Is There Anything Else?

Nope.

(Sighs)

Mordor Is Having An Affair
With Somebody In The Office.
What?

Someone Walked In On Them
In The Supply Room,

And I Thought
I Should Tell You, Veronica.

I'm Sorry.
But Why?
Why Would He Do This?

It's Not Like He's Not
Getting Enough From Me.

Well, Who Knows Why People
Do What They Do, You Know?

The Important Thing
Is Not To Blame Anyone

Or Look For Answers, Really.

Some Things
Just Shouldn't Be Probed.

There's An Unfortunate
Choice Of Words.

I Rambled On Like That
For Ten Minutes,

Somehow Using The Words

"Thrust, Prod, Rigid"
And "Impale."

All Comforting Terms.

Well, It's Good
She Knows About Mordor.

If It Were Me, I'd Want
To Know. Is She Okay?

I Think So. They Haven't
Been Together That Long,

And She's Pretty Tough.

So I'm Guessing
They're Gonna Be Okay.

Hey, Scuba Girl.
You Ready To Go?
(Click)

Ugh! You Shot Me!

I'm Sorry.
It Was An Accident.

Although... Who's Ashley?

I Don't Know What Happened.

I Was Packing Up The Speargun,
And It Just Went Off.
So It Was An Accident.

Of Course It Was An Accident.

Although, The Man Was
Cheating On Me,

And My Subconscious
Is Very Protective,

And Sometimes,
Kind Of A Douche.

I'm So Angry, Ted.
You Have Every Right To Be.

I'm Angry At You.
You Have No Right To Be.

Why Did You Tell Me
Mordor Was Cheating On Me?

I‐I Thought
You'd Want To Know.

Linda Would Want To Know.

Well, Of Course
I'd Want To Know,

But Not When There's
A Speargun

Sitting 3 Feet Away From Me
And My Douchey Subconscious.

What Were You Thin
King?
Ms. Palmer?

Yes.
He's Out Of Surgery,
And He'll Be Fine.

(Exhales Deeply)

However, We Could Not Save
The Spear. (Chuckles)

Old Joke.

I Use It With All The Family
Of Loved Ones Who Survive.

Don't Anymore.

Now I Have To Break Up
With Him,

Which Is Gonna Be
That Much Harder

Since I Just Shot Him.

Look What You Made Me Do.

Sorry I'm Late.

I'm Trying To Get My Wife
To Eat Slower In The Morning.

It's A Project.

What Happened
To Your Red Lab Coat?
Wasn't In My Locker
This Morning.

I Don't Get It.
You Worked So Hard Yesterday.

(Gasps)
But Then, So Did I.

Oh. Now I'm Sad Again.

Morning, Ladies.

Notice Anything
Redder About Me?

I Am Literally
Shaking With Jealousy.
Get Out!

I Don't Want The Coat To See Me
Like This. No, Wait.

Let Me Touch It.
No, No.

Wait.

Your Call.

(Gurgling)

Ted.

I've Been Thinking About
How I Behaved Last Night,

And I've Realized,
It Wasn't Your Fault

That Mordor Somehow
Got Himself Shot.

And So I'd Like
To Apologize.

Oh, That's Okay.

I'm Just Glad
You're Rid Of Him.

Um, That Guy Was
A Self‐Absorbed Dill‐Hole.

Ted‐‐
"Ooh, I'm Mordor. I Think
All Men Are In Love With Me."

I Mean, Seriously,
What A Doofus.

We Made Up.

Oh, Good,

'Cause Now I Can Stop Pretending
I Don't Like Him.

He Had An Affair,
And I Shot Him.

So We Decided
To Call It Even.

Plus, I Found Out
Why He Did It.

Apparently Somebody Suggested
That He Ease Up

On Our Relationship.
Well, I Didn't Mean
For Him To‐‐

It Was You?

What Was Me?

My God, Ted.

You Don't Tell A Man Like Mordor
To Be Less Passionate.

It's Like Telling Ga
Ndhi
To Be Less...

Whatever He Was... Thin.
You Weren't Getting
Your Job Done.

You‐‐You Were Falling Asleep
At Work With Your Eyes Open.

What‐‐What If
They Dried Out?

They Would've Lost
Their Luster.

I Was Worried About
Your Luster.

I Don't Need You
Or Anyone Else

Interfering In My Life.

You're Responsible For
My Boyfriend Screwing Around.

You're The One Who Shot
Him...In My Mind.

And Then
You Call Him A Dill‐Hole

Right To His Face.

No, I‐‐
In My Mind.

I Think You And I Need
A Little Distance

From Each Other.
That's A Good Idea.

I'll Go To My Office.

Actually, I Was Thinking
A Little More Distance.

And So Veronica Sent Me
Down To The Ridiculously
Tiny Office.

(Bang)

(Groans)

Ah.

(Sighs)

Whoa!

Hi, Ted.

Phil.

(Crash)
Hi, Ted.

Lem.

(Sighs)

This Is Not As Bad
As I Imagined.

It Makes Your Chair And Desk
Look Gigantic, Which Is Cool.

Plus, It Would Be Impossible
To Lose Anything In Here.

No, It's All Great.
So What's Up, Fellas?

'Cause I'm Pretty Busy
Getting Into My Chair.

We're...
Unhappy About Something.

Is This About The Coat?

I Worked My Ass Off Yesterday
To Get That Thing.

I Can't Tell You
Exactly What's Going On.

I'm In Enough Trouble
As It Is With Veronica.

But The Coat
May Not Be Something

You Want To Work Extra Hard
To Get.

Yeah, But It's‐‐
It's So Beautiful.

Only Because You Think
It Means Something,

Which It May Not.
I Think I Know
What's Going On.

We're Confused.
That's Exactly
What's Happening.

(Crash)
Oh, Ted.

I Can't Believe You Trashed
Veronica's Boyfriend.

Hey, Guys.
Hey, Linda.

Hey.
You Never Trash The Boyfriend.
What If They Get Back Together?

I Don't Care Anymore.
I'm Out.

I Am Done Getting In The Middle
Of Veronica's Relationship.

Because Believe It Or Not,

There's An Office
Smaller Than This,

And You Have To Share It
With Someone.
Well, You Should Be Out,

Because Clearly You Don't Know
Anything About Relationships.
I Don't Know Any
Thing
About Relationships?

It‐‐What‐‐It's Because Of
Your Relationship Geniusness

That I'm Stuck
In Polly Pocket's House.
We Should Go.

We Want To Go.
Thanks To Me?
I Never Told You

To Tell Veronica
That Her Boyfriend Sucks.
I Wouldn't Have Kept Talking
About
Her Sucky Boyfriend

If You Hadn't Kept
Bringing Him Up.
I Had To Bring It Up,
Because You Think

Relationships Are All About
What The Guy Wants.

And By The Way, Genius,

Polly Pockets
Doesn't Live In A House.

She Lives In A Clamshell!
I Know Where She Lives.

Oh, Really?
Because I Think You Know Less

About Polly Pockets
Than You Do About Relationships.

(Sighs) That's Better.

So If The Coat's Not A Reward
For Doing Something Good,

Then That Must Mean...
(Gasps) It's A Punishment
For Doing Something Bad.

It's Like A Scarlet Letter.
Only It's Worse,

Because It Covers
The Whole Body In Shame.
Oh.

So Why'd The Company
Give It To Me?
You Did Break

The Dieoxolater Defibulation
Splung Manifold Last Week,

And That Sucker
Is Expensive.

If Only I Hadn't
Tried To Protect
My Eyes When It Burst,

I Might Have Been Able
To Save It.

Stupid Reflexes.

The Next Morning,

I Checked In With Veronica
To See If I Could Come Back.

Good
Morning, Sunshine.

Not Yet.

And In The Lab...

Uh‐Oh.

It Was In My Locker
This Morning.

I Worked So Hard Yesterday
To Avoid This Exact Thing.

All We Can Do
Is Buckle Down

And Push Ourselves
Even Harder.

I Hope
Veronica Forgives Me Soon,

Because I Really Like
Doing This...

Which I Totally
Took For Granted Before.

What The Hell?

Ted, Wh‐‐I‐I Thought You Were
Working Out Of The Basement.

Well, I'm Getting Some Papers.
What Are You Doing?
Well, Well, This Is, Um...

(Scoffs) Tiffany.

Thank You.
See, I Figured It Out.

I Hurt Veronica
By Fooling Around,

But Then She Hurt Me Back
With A Speargun,

And That Reset
The Relationship.

So I Can Fool Around Again
As Long As I'm Willing

To Let Veronica Hurt Me Again,
Which I Am,

'Cause I Like Promiscuous Sex
Far More Than I Dislike Pain.

You Know, I Didn't Want
To Get Involved

In Veronica's Personal Life,

But Now I'm Glad I Did,
Because You Don't Deserve Her.

She Is Smart And‐‐And Beautiful
And Confident‐‐

Wildly Fun In Bed...

Yeah, I've Been There.
She Is The Whole Package.

And You're Just A Jerk.

And, Yes,
A Mammoth Dill‐Hole.

All Right, Ted.
Let's Go.

You Started This Whole Thing,

And Now You Insult Me
In Front Of Tiffany.

Let's Get This Over With.
I'm Not Gonna Fight You,
You Loon.

Loon?
Could A Loon Do This?

Hmm?

I Think A Loon
Would Do Exactly That.

It's Called
Quad‐Dela‐Ron‐Sha.

It's An Ancient
Peruvian Martial Art

Involving Forceful
And Repeated Slapping.

I'm Not Gonna Fight You.

(Slapping)
Ow! Whoa.

Okay, Wait.
Yes, I'll Fight You.

(Slapping Continues)
Ouch! What The Hell?

It's Like You Have
A Hundred Fingers.

(Slapping Continues)

Ow! God, T‐Tiffany,
Go Get Help!

(Slapping Continues)
Ow! Ah!

Quad‐Dela‐Ron‐Sha‐‐

It's Impossible
To Defend Against.

It's Why Peru
Was Never Conquered.

Didn't The Spanish
Conquer Peru?

Yes, But Then
They Left Quickly.

In Fact, Quad‐Dela‐Ron‐Sha

Means "Leave, Or We'll Start
With The Slapping."

Did Mordor Tell You This?
'Cause It's Not On Google.

Mm. Maybe That
Was Also A Lie.

Oh, I'm Through
With Him, Ted.

Listen, I'm Sorry
About Everything.

Ted, You Stood Up For Me.

No One's
Ever Done That Before.

Thank You.

Maybe It's Impossible
To Keep Your Personal Life

Completely Separate From Work,

Especially When You Care About
The People You Work With...

And They Care About You.

Is He All Right?

He's Great.

I Can't Believe He Fought
To Defend Your Honor.

That Is So‐‐
Hot?

Actually, Yeah.
It Kind Of Is.

And I Told Him He Didn't Know
Anything About Relationships.

He May Not,
But He'd Sure Be Good In One.

Again?!

What Have I Done?!

And Since I Do Care About
The People I Work With,

I Decided To End
Their Suffering.

Since Any Change
Helps Productivity,

Why Not Make It
A Positive Change

And Do Something
People Can Feel Good About?

What Does It Mean?

Maybe We've Been Asking
Too Many Questions.

Maybe This Is
The Company's Equivalent

Of Sending A Dead Fish.

Hmm.