All language subtitles for Better Off Ted (2009) - S02E03 - Battle of the Bulbs_track3_[eng]

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,768 --> 00:00:04,004 ÂℱÂȘ 2 00:00:06,907 --> 00:00:10,143 The Potential For A Long‐Lasting Lightbulb Is Enormous. 3 00:00:10,176 --> 00:00:12,312 In A Recent Study, People's Desire To See Things 4 00:00:12,345 --> 00:00:14,214 Ranked Third, Right After Hitting Things 5 00:00:14,247 --> 00:00:16,382 And Trying To Have Sex With Things. 6 00:00:16,416 --> 00:00:19,352 And If People Could... (Whispering) Hey! That's My Doughnut! 7 00:00:19,385 --> 00:00:20,954 (Whispering) Shut Up. Ted's Talking. 8 00:00:20,987 --> 00:00:24,691 By Leveling The Current, We Have Increased Bulb Life By 38%. 9 00:00:24,725 --> 00:00:27,661 This Is The Greatest Leap In Bulb Technology Since... Hey! 10 00:00:27,694 --> 00:00:30,463 Shh. Interesting Fact‐‐ The Original Lightbulb Shape 11 00:00:30,496 --> 00:00:32,365 Was Patterned Off Edison's Neighbor, 12 00:00:32,398 --> 00:00:34,034 Whose Head Was Hideously Enormous. 13 00:00:34,067 --> 00:00:36,169 This Bulb Lasts So Long, It Will Be Giving Off Light 14 00:00:36,202 --> 00:00:37,571 Well After You're Dead. 15 00:00:41,608 --> 00:00:45,245 Gentlemen, When You Fight Like That, Manhood Weeps. 16 00:00:45,278 --> 00:00:48,381 Nice Work, Ted. You've Made A Super Long‐Lasting Lightbulb. 17 00:00:48,414 --> 00:00:50,316 And Since That's The Name Of This Project, 18 00:00:50,350 --> 00:00:52,152 Your Instincts Are Spot‐On. 19 00:00:52,185 --> 00:00:54,555 Thank You, Everybody. 20 00:00:54,588 --> 00:00:56,890 The Company's Gonna Love This. 21 00:00:56,923 --> 00:00:58,825 And I Can't Get Enough Of The Company's Love. 22 00:00:58,859 --> 00:01:00,561 Maybe You And The Company Should Spend A Weekend 23 00:01:00,594 --> 00:01:03,229 In Wine Country Together, Share A Couple Of Bottles One Evening, 24 00:01:03,263 --> 00:01:05,732 Maybe Convince It Not To Wear Panties To Dinner. 25 00:01:07,367 --> 00:01:09,169 You Should Jump On That, Ted, 26 00:01:09,202 --> 00:01:11,337 Before The Crazy Outweighs The Hot. 27 00:01:11,371 --> 00:01:14,240 So There's A Famous Theoretical Physicist 28 00:01:14,274 --> 00:01:16,076 Named Stella Clifton Giving A Lecture Tonight. 29 00:01:16,109 --> 00:01:18,478 She's On The Company's Radar, And I'd Like For You 30 00:01:18,512 --> 00:01:20,681 To Go Talk To Her About Coming To Work Here. 31 00:01:20,714 --> 00:01:22,549 I'd Emphasize The Salary She'd Make 32 00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:24,350 And Downplay The Way We Treat People. 33 00:01:24,384 --> 00:01:27,120 I'm Sorry. I Couldn't Help But Overhear. 34 00:01:27,153 --> 00:01:29,455 Hiring Stella Clifton Would Be A Huge Mistake. 35 00:01:29,489 --> 00:01:30,857 She's Arrogant, Super Critical 36 00:01:30,891 --> 00:01:34,460 And Hangs Her Wet Bras On Everything. 37 00:01:34,494 --> 00:01:36,563 I Mean, That's The Buzz In The Physics Chat Rooms. 38 00:01:40,233 --> 00:01:43,837 Stella Clifton Is Lem's Mom. He Doesn't Want People To Know 39 00:01:43,870 --> 00:01:45,305 Because He's Always Felt Overshadowed By Her. 40 00:01:45,338 --> 00:01:47,140 So You're Saying We Have An In? 41 00:01:47,173 --> 00:01:48,875 I'm Saying, Can't We Just Let This One Go? 42 00:01:48,909 --> 00:01:50,476 It Wouldn't Be The First Time 43 00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:51,978 We Didn't Hire A Brilliant Scientist 44 00:01:52,012 --> 00:01:53,213 Because Someone At The Company Would Be Upset. 45 00:01:53,246 --> 00:01:54,815 Remember Bob Hitler? 46 00:01:54,848 --> 00:01:57,651 No, I Forgot The Scientist Named Hitler. 47 00:01:57,684 --> 00:02:00,020 Okay, Fine. We Won't Go After Lem's Mom. 48 00:02:00,053 --> 00:02:01,855 But This Would Be Easier To Sell Upstairs 49 00:02:01,888 --> 00:02:04,758 If Someone Named Clifton Had Bombed The Hell Out Of London. 50 00:02:09,563 --> 00:02:11,197 Good Morning, Phil. 51 00:02:11,231 --> 00:02:12,866 You're Late. 52 00:02:12,899 --> 00:02:15,168 Were You Up Watching That Documentary On Moss? 53 00:02:15,201 --> 00:02:17,303 Can You Believe How Much That Stuff Likes Shade? 54 00:02:17,337 --> 00:02:19,205 It Just Goes Nuts. 55 00:02:19,239 --> 00:02:22,075 No, I Was Up Because My Mom Was Having Sex With Some Guy. 56 00:02:22,108 --> 00:02:24,845 Ohh. Either That, Or They Were Using Her Bed To Hammer 57 00:02:24,878 --> 00:02:27,347 A Very Stubborn Nail Into The Wall. 58 00:02:27,380 --> 00:02:29,282 It's Not Right The Way She Treats You. 59 00:02:29,315 --> 00:02:32,953 She's So Inconsiderate. She's Like Rhodesian Wet Moss. 60 00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:36,189 That Stuff Doesn't Give A Damn Who It Hurts. 61 00:02:36,222 --> 00:02:38,892 (Singsong Voice) Good Morning! I Had Sex Last Night. 62 00:02:38,925 --> 00:02:41,528 (Normal Voice) That's Right‐‐ Dirty, Sloppy Sex. 63 00:02:41,562 --> 00:02:43,630 Truly, Gentlemen, My Hips Were A Blur. 64 00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:45,732 I Went To The Stella Clifton Lecture, 65 00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:48,034 And Afterwards We Started To Chat And Hit It Off. 66 00:02:48,068 --> 00:02:51,071 So We Went To A Bar‐‐ Tell Me You Met Another Woman There And Went Home With Her . 67 00:02:51,104 --> 00:02:53,807 I Did Meet Another Woman. (Phil And Lem Exhale Deeply) 68 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,509 But She Wasn't Interested, So I Went Home 69 00:02:55,542 --> 00:02:58,311 With Stella Clifton And Porked Her All Night. 70 00:02:58,344 --> 00:02:59,513 Oh, God! Oh, God! (Whimpers) Oh, God! 71 00:02:59,546 --> 00:03:01,782 Yeah, She Sounded Just Like That. 72 00:03:01,815 --> 00:03:04,851 (Whimpers) 73 00:03:04,885 --> 00:03:07,120 I Had A Great Idea. You Should Have Come In Here 74 00:03:07,153 --> 00:03:08,855 Holding That Bulb Over Your Head So I Could Tell. 75 00:03:08,889 --> 00:03:11,858 Yesterday I Was In My Cubicle, And A Fly Got Caught In My Lamp, 76 00:03:11,892 --> 00:03:14,294 And It Started To Cook. That's Not Really An Idea. 77 00:03:14,327 --> 00:03:17,163 That's More Of An Unpleasant Anecdote 78 00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:20,867 Or A Cautionary Tale For Flies. No, The Bulb Kept Giving Off This Putrid Smell, 79 00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:22,368 So I Sprayed Perfume On It. 80 00:03:22,402 --> 00:03:24,337 And Then Today When I Turned My Lamp On, 81 00:03:24,370 --> 00:03:27,240 My Whole Cubicle Smelled Pretty. And So I Thought, 82 00:03:27,273 --> 00:03:31,477 Bing! We Should Develop A Line Of Scented Lightbulbs. 83 00:03:31,512 --> 00:03:33,246 Uh... 84 00:03:33,279 --> 00:03:36,049 And React Positively. 85 00:03:36,082 --> 00:03:37,718 Okay, Um... 86 00:03:37,751 --> 00:03:39,653 You Hate It. (Sighs) 87 00:03:39,686 --> 00:03:41,722 All I Ever Do Is Test Other People's Ideas. 88 00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:44,891 I Was So Excited To Finally Come Up With One Of My Own. 89 00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:47,393 But You're Right. It's Stupid. 90 00:03:47,427 --> 00:03:49,563 I Should Die Like A Lightbulb Fly. 91 00:03:49,596 --> 00:03:52,298 No, It's Not Stupid. It's Just, I Have Spent Years Developing 92 00:03:52,332 --> 00:03:54,300 This Long‐Lasting Bulb, And I Don't Want 93 00:03:54,334 --> 00:03:56,336 To Distract The Company With A Different One. 94 00:03:56,369 --> 00:03:58,705 Not To Oversell It, But Mine Will Save The World, 95 00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:00,206 And Then Veridian Will Change Its Name 96 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,042 To Ted's Awesome Lightbulb Company. 97 00:04:07,548 --> 00:04:09,983 Perfect. Now I Can Tell My Joke. 98 00:04:10,016 --> 00:04:12,719 How Many Product Testers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? 99 00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:14,688 Ted Hated My Idea. 100 00:04:14,721 --> 00:04:17,023 No. Seven. 101 00:04:17,057 --> 00:04:21,562 The End Still Needs Work. I Told Ted An Idea I Had For A Scented Lightbulb, 102 00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:22,896 But He Didn't Think We Should Do It. 103 00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:25,899 Hmm. I Think A Scented Lightbulb Is A Good Idea. 104 00:04:25,932 --> 00:04:28,034 Really? You Think It's Worth Pursuing? 105 00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:29,736 No, I Don't. Oh. 106 00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:31,237 I'm Kidding. I Like It. 107 00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,073 You Do? No... Oh.. 108 00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:35,509 Seriously, I Like It. Okay, What Are We Doing Now? 109 00:04:35,542 --> 00:04:38,512 I'm Showing You That You Care Too Much What People Think. 110 00:04:38,545 --> 00:04:40,346 Successful People Don't Do That, Linda. 111 00:04:40,380 --> 00:04:42,849 You've Gotta Be Confident. You've Got A Good Idea, 112 00:04:42,883 --> 00:04:44,851 And You Shouldn't Let Anyone Stop You. 113 00:04:44,885 --> 00:04:46,186 You Really Think It's A Good Idea? 114 00:04:46,219 --> 00:04:50,356 No, I Don't. Well, I Do. 115 00:04:50,390 --> 00:04:53,359 Finally! And That's Why It Takes Seven Product Testers 116 00:04:53,393 --> 00:04:55,395 To Change A Lightbulb. 117 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:02,903 So I Took Linda's Idea For Scented Lightbulbs 118 00:05:02,936 --> 00:05:04,404 Upstairs To Chet, And He Loved It. 119 00:05:04,437 --> 00:05:06,807 Really? 120 00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:07,541 Wow. 121 00:05:07,574 --> 00:05:09,009 You Went Over My Head On This? 122 00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:11,912 No. I‐I Just Went Out Your Door And Ran Into Veronica. 123 00:05:11,945 --> 00:05:12,913 Then She Went Over Your Head. 124 00:05:12,946 --> 00:05:15,982 The Company Sees This As A Whole New Way 125 00:05:16,016 --> 00:05:17,117 To Market Lightbulbs To Women. 126 00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:19,553 And Since You Thought Of The Idea And You're A Woman, 127 00:05:19,586 --> 00:05:21,822 Even Though Your Shoes Argue Otherwise, 128 00:05:21,855 --> 00:05:24,024 The Company Wants You To Co‐Run The Project With Ted. 129 00:05:24,057 --> 00:05:26,059 That's Fantastic. 130 00:05:26,092 --> 00:05:28,862 Ted, Are You Okay With This? Please Be Okay With This. 131 00:05:28,895 --> 00:05:31,197 It Would Be So Exciting If We Could Work Together 132 00:05:31,231 --> 00:05:33,667 On A Project That I Came Up With. (Chuckles) 133 00:05:33,700 --> 00:05:35,468 Of Course. 134 00:05:35,502 --> 00:05:38,138 Yeah, I'm‐‐ I'm Looking Forward To It. Ah. 135 00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:41,307 It Is Going To Be‐‐ Oh, And Your Lightbulb Project Is Dead. 136 00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:43,376 Fantastic. 137 00:05:52,719 --> 00:05:54,454 Mommy? 138 00:05:54,487 --> 00:05:56,657 Hello, Sweetheart. How Was Your Day At The Crap Factory? 139 00:05:56,690 --> 00:06:00,527 You Know, Sometimes I Feel Like You Judge What I Do. I'm Not Judging You. 140 00:06:00,561 --> 00:06:02,663 I Just Weighed The Empirical Evidence 141 00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:04,865 And Came To An Objective Conclusion‐‐ 142 00:06:04,898 --> 00:06:06,667 You're Wasting Your Talent. 143 00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:10,370 It's Like Jackson Pollock Painting Cars For $99.95. 144 00:06:10,403 --> 00:06:12,639 Listen... 145 00:06:12,673 --> 00:06:15,408 I Wanted To Talk To You About Dr. Bhamba. 146 00:06:15,441 --> 00:06:17,544 My New Lover? (Groans) Yes. 147 00:06:17,578 --> 00:06:19,079 It's Just, You Two Dating 148 00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:21,014 Is Making It Awkward For Me At Work. 149 00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:22,983 Heaven Forbid I've Slowed Production 150 00:06:23,016 --> 00:06:24,951 Of The Latest Worthless Gadget. 151 00:06:24,985 --> 00:06:27,053 What Will People Do Without A Helmet 152 00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:28,789 That Feeds Them Cheeseburgers 153 00:06:28,822 --> 00:06:31,224 Or A Remote Control For Their Underpants? 154 00:06:31,257 --> 00:06:33,393 We're Not Making A Cheeseburger Helmet. 155 00:06:33,426 --> 00:06:35,295 They Pulled The Plug 156 00:06:35,328 --> 00:06:38,331 After It Fed One Of The Test Subjects To Death. 157 00:06:38,364 --> 00:06:40,801 I'm Sorry, Lem, But I'm Not Giving Up My Bhamba. 158 00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:42,569 He's A Very Special Man. 159 00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:45,572 Look. This Robe Is So Short, If I Were A Bell, 160 00:06:45,606 --> 00:06:47,340 You Could Almost See My Clapper. 161 00:06:47,373 --> 00:06:48,975 (Laughs) 162 00:06:49,009 --> 00:06:51,612 I'm Never Calling You Daddy. Never, Never! 163 00:06:55,682 --> 00:06:57,851 Okay, I Am Happy For Linda. 164 00:06:57,884 --> 00:06:59,520 Yay, Linda. 165 00:06:59,553 --> 00:07:01,622 But The Long‐Lasting Bulb Is Important To Me. 166 00:07:01,655 --> 00:07:03,557 And Taking My Feelings Completely Out Of It, 167 00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,859 It Is Way Better Than Linda's Dumb, Smelly Bulb. 168 00:07:05,892 --> 00:07:09,062 Ted, Ted, Ted. I See What's Going On Here. 169 00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:11,532 You're Worried That After Years Of The Company Adoring You, 170 00:07:11,565 --> 00:07:13,534 A Shiny, New Linda Has Come Along, 171 00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:15,636 And They May Not Have Enough Love For Both Of You. 172 00:07:15,669 --> 00:07:17,638 (Chuckles) I Am Not Worried About That. 173 00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:19,205 Did They Say That's What's Happening? 174 00:07:19,239 --> 00:07:20,907 I Know What You're Going Through. 175 00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:23,510 When My Little Sister Came Along, I Was Very Jealous. 176 00:07:23,544 --> 00:07:26,513 That Feeling Never Went Away‐‐ Even When She Was Older, 177 00:07:26,547 --> 00:07:28,348 And I Put Testosterone In Her Orange Juice 178 00:07:28,381 --> 00:07:30,350 So She Became Hairy And Unlovable 179 00:07:30,383 --> 00:07:32,285 And Got Kicked Off The Gymnastics Team For Doping. 180 00:07:32,318 --> 00:07:34,454 Oh, My God! 181 00:07:34,487 --> 00:07:36,222 I Was Not A Perfect Child, Ted. 182 00:07:36,256 --> 00:07:38,191 My Parents Only Had So Much Love, 183 00:07:38,224 --> 00:07:41,127 And I Got It, And Monkey Girl Didn't. 184 00:07:41,161 --> 00:07:44,230 Anyway, Don't Be Like That. 185 00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:49,169 (Laughter) (Man) Whoo! 186 00:07:49,202 --> 00:07:50,571 Ow! 187 00:07:50,604 --> 00:07:52,072 (Laughter Continuing) 188 00:07:52,105 --> 00:07:54,307 Maybe Bhamba's Not Talking About Your Mom. 189 00:07:54,340 --> 00:07:56,176 Maybe He's Talking About The Time 190 00:07:56,209 --> 00:07:57,911 He Won That Hula‐Hoop Competition. 191 00:07:57,944 --> 00:08:00,180 And That's How I Won The Hula‐Hoop Competition... 192 00:08:00,213 --> 00:08:01,982 (Exhales) 193 00:08:02,015 --> 00:08:04,384 And Developed The Pelvic Stamina To Satisfy The Sexual Desires 194 00:08:04,417 --> 00:08:07,353 Of The Famous Dr. Stella Clifton. (Men Talking Indistinctly) 195 00:08:07,387 --> 00:08:10,290 I Can't Believe Your Mom Is Doing This To You. 196 00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:12,225 She's Really Not Going To Stop Seeing Bhamba? 197 00:08:12,258 --> 00:08:14,628 Nope. I Spent My Whole Life Trying Not To Be 198 00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:16,530 Just The Son Of The Famous Stella Clifton, 199 00:08:16,563 --> 00:08:18,965 And Now That's All Anyone's Going To Be Talking About. 200 00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:22,035 Hey, It's Stella Clifton's Son! Welcome To Veridian. 201 00:08:22,068 --> 00:08:24,538 We Expect Great Things From You. 202 00:08:24,571 --> 00:08:27,140 I've Been Working Here For 11 Years. 203 00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:28,975 (Chuckles) Oh, I Doubt That. 204 00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:31,011 Great To Have You Aboard. 205 00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:36,983 (Ted) Okay, Everybody's Here. 206 00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:40,120 Okay! Everybody's Here. 207 00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:42,388 I Know You're Co‐Leading This, But That Doesn't Mean 208 00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:45,025 Just Repeating What I Say. Maybe You're Repeating What Isay 209 00:08:45,058 --> 00:08:47,193 Just Before I Get A Chance To Say It. 210 00:08:47,227 --> 00:08:49,062 Okay, Linda, Why Don't You Take The Meeting? 211 00:08:49,095 --> 00:08:51,364 All Right, I Will. Ted, Bring Us Up To Speed. 212 00:08:51,397 --> 00:08:55,135 All Right. First Of All, Let's Talk About A Timeline. Timeline, People. 213 00:08:55,168 --> 00:08:57,470 Because Some Of Us Who Have Never Run A Project Before 214 00:08:57,504 --> 00:09:00,340 May Not Realize It Can Take Years To Go From An Idea 215 00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:02,909 To A Workable Prototype. Am I Right, Fellas? 216 00:09:02,943 --> 00:09:04,244 Absolutely. 217 00:09:04,277 --> 00:09:05,979 See? 218 00:09:06,012 --> 00:09:08,014 But In This Case, The Concept Was So Elegantly Simple 219 00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:11,284 That We Banged One Out This Morning. (Sniffs) 220 00:09:11,317 --> 00:09:12,853 Interesting. 221 00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:15,789 So Then I Would Be Safe To Say... Ha. 222 00:09:15,822 --> 00:09:17,991 (Scoffs) Please. Your Bulb Smells Like Pumpkin Pie. 223 00:09:18,024 --> 00:09:19,993 Mine Would Have Slowed Climate Change. 224 00:09:20,026 --> 00:09:21,662 But I Guess When The Ice Caps Melt, 225 00:09:21,695 --> 00:09:23,496 We Will Need Something That Smells Good To Cover Up 226 00:09:23,530 --> 00:09:25,131 The Stench Of All The Dead Polar Bears. 227 00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:27,467 Boys, How Long Would It Take To Develop New Technology 228 00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:29,469 So That Ted Can Go Screw Himself? 229 00:09:29,503 --> 00:09:31,204 Mm, We're Not Prepared To Address‐‐ 230 00:09:31,237 --> 00:09:34,508 (Lowered Voice) Don't Talk. This Isn't About Us. 231 00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:39,780 Look... I Think It's Gonna Be Impossible 232 00:09:39,813 --> 00:09:41,615 For Us To Co‐Lead These Meetings. 233 00:09:41,648 --> 00:09:44,718 Can't Take A Little Heat, Like Your Precious Polar Bears? 234 00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:47,187 Wait. How Did I Get On The Crazy Side Of Climate Change? 235 00:09:47,220 --> 00:09:48,855 There She Is. 236 00:09:48,889 --> 00:09:51,725 Linda, You Remember My Boss Chet? 237 00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:53,794 You Better Watch Out For This One, Ted. 238 00:09:53,827 --> 00:09:57,330 She Could Be The New Ted, A Super Sweet‐Smelling Ted. 239 00:09:57,363 --> 00:09:59,399 Oh, That's Just My Bulbs, Sir. 240 00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:01,568 Hey‐O! Very Funny, Chet. 241 00:10:01,602 --> 00:10:03,804 You Tiptoed Right Up To The Line But Didn't Cross It. 242 00:10:03,837 --> 00:10:07,574 Yeah. Oh, She's A Sharp One. Watch Your Back, Stud. 243 00:10:07,608 --> 00:10:11,211 Hey! (Chuckles) Once Again, Sir, Right Up To The Line. 244 00:10:11,244 --> 00:10:13,947 This Project Is Going To Be Great. 245 00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:15,616 I Hope So, Sir. 246 00:10:15,649 --> 00:10:18,184 What Do You Mean, You Hope So? 247 00:10:18,218 --> 00:10:20,821 Nothing. I‐I Just Hope Everything Goes Well. 248 00:10:20,854 --> 00:10:23,824 Why Wouldn't It? Is There A Problem, Veronica? 249 00:10:23,857 --> 00:10:26,026 Not At All. It's A Home Run. 250 00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:28,494 Linda Was Just Doing A Funny Character She's Been Working On. 251 00:10:28,529 --> 00:10:31,064 It's A Product Tester Whose Lack Of Confidence 252 00:10:31,097 --> 00:10:33,834 Traps Her In A Sad Cubicle Where She Dies Old And Alone 253 00:10:33,867 --> 00:10:35,669 Without Ever Owning A Decent Purse. 254 00:10:35,702 --> 00:10:38,905 Well, As Long As She Never Does It Again, 255 00:10:38,939 --> 00:10:40,473 I Don't See The Harm. 256 00:10:40,507 --> 00:10:43,944 (Chuckles) 257 00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:45,345 There's A Meeting On Your Project 258 00:10:45,378 --> 00:10:46,780 Tomorrow Night With The Department Heads. 259 00:10:46,813 --> 00:10:48,649 If You Want To Be In The Game, You're Gonna Have To Show 260 00:10:48,682 --> 00:10:50,617 A Lot More Confidence Than You Just Did. 261 00:10:50,651 --> 00:10:53,119 I Love That One. I Hate That One, 262 00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:54,788 And Bring Me Chicken For Lunch. 263 00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:57,323 What Were Those? 264 00:10:57,357 --> 00:11:00,961 I Have No Idea, But Did You See How Confident I Was? 265 00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:03,664 So Confident, I'm Getting Chicken. 266 00:11:03,697 --> 00:11:05,866 Now You Try It. 267 00:11:05,899 --> 00:11:09,536 What Do I Tell Him To Do? It Doesn't Matter. Just Make Sure He Does It. 268 00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:15,175 Lose The Tie, Hippie. 269 00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:17,177 What? What's Wrong With My Tie? 270 00:11:17,210 --> 00:11:19,946 Are You Questioning Me? Oh, That's Rich. 271 00:11:19,980 --> 00:11:21,948 I Said Lose It! 272 00:11:21,982 --> 00:11:24,250 And Bring Me A Chicken. 273 00:11:27,387 --> 00:11:29,222 Very Nicely Done. 274 00:11:29,255 --> 00:11:31,191 Today, We Feast On Chicken, 275 00:11:31,224 --> 00:11:33,159 Although You May Be Getting A Live One. 276 00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:43,036 Why Are You Looking Up My Mother's Facebook Page? 277 00:11:43,069 --> 00:11:45,672 I'm Going To Find Her, Seduce Her, 278 00:11:45,706 --> 00:11:48,675 And Make Sensitive Yet Vigorous Love To Her. 279 00:11:48,709 --> 00:11:50,544 Well, That's The One Thing We Haven't Tried 280 00:11:50,577 --> 00:11:52,846 To Get Her Out Of The Coma. 281 00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:55,115 Maybe I Could Save You Three Very Weird Minutes. 282 00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:58,351 Things Between Your Mother And I Have Hit A Rough Patch. Oh, No. 283 00:11:58,384 --> 00:12:00,020 What Do I Do With That World's Greatest Stepdad Coffee Mug 284 00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:01,688 I Got For You? 285 00:12:01,722 --> 00:12:04,024 Guess I Have To Take It Back To The Sarcasm Store. 286 00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:06,560 It's Just, Stella Is So Intelligent, 287 00:12:06,593 --> 00:12:08,662 I'm Starting To Feel Like An Idiot Around Her. 288 00:12:08,695 --> 00:12:11,197 I Know What You Mean. She's Always Reminding Me 289 00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:13,534 That While She's Unlocking The Secrets Of The Universe, 290 00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:16,302 I'm Trying To Design A Toaster That Can Handle A Pizza Bagel. 291 00:12:16,336 --> 00:12:19,405 That Would Be A Boon To Both Jews And Italians. 292 00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:21,642 You're A Very Good Scientist, Lem. 293 00:12:21,675 --> 00:12:25,145 You Shouldn't Feel Inferior To Your Mother. Well, Neither Should You. 294 00:12:25,178 --> 00:12:27,113 Your Breakthroughs In Weapons Technology 295 00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:29,883 Have Made Warfare Exponentially More Horrifying. 296 00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:32,819 Well, I Don't Know About That. 297 00:12:32,853 --> 00:12:36,222 It Takes A Village To Kill A Village. 298 00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:38,191 I Wonder, If Only There Were A Way 299 00:12:38,224 --> 00:12:40,827 To Show Your Mother We're Intellectually Worthy Of Her. 300 00:12:40,861 --> 00:12:42,395 Well, I'm Out Of Ideas. 301 00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:44,330 I Helped Put A Satellite Into Orbit When I Was 11, 302 00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:45,899 But It Wasn't "Geosynchronous," 303 00:12:45,932 --> 00:12:48,969 So She Wouldn't Even Look Up When It Went Over Our House. 304 00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:51,838 We're Both Smart. Maybe If We Work Together, 305 00:12:51,872 --> 00:12:53,640 We Could Do Something To Impress Her‐‐ 306 00:12:53,674 --> 00:12:56,176 Like A Bagel Toaster That Tracks Down Enemies 307 00:12:56,209 --> 00:12:59,145 And Burns Them Evenly On Both Sides. 308 00:12:59,179 --> 00:13:01,948 No, Not That. Or Something She Would Appreciate‐‐ 309 00:13:01,982 --> 00:13:03,517 Something Theoretical, 310 00:13:03,550 --> 00:13:06,787 With No Practical Application Whatsoever. Yes! 311 00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:09,322 Just To Be Clear, It Has To Be Science, Right? 312 00:13:09,355 --> 00:13:12,358 Not Just A Great Dance Move Or Something? 313 00:13:16,396 --> 00:13:19,332 Come On. One Great Idea. 314 00:13:19,365 --> 00:13:22,002 Lightbulbs That... Taste Good. 315 00:13:22,035 --> 00:13:24,170 No, That Sucks! I Suck. 316 00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:26,339 No Wonder The Company's Gone Off Me. 317 00:13:26,372 --> 00:13:28,374 So "Suck" Is Okay To Say Now? 318 00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:30,811 'Cause I Have Some Thoughts About The Lunch 319 00:13:30,844 --> 00:13:32,979 You Packed Me Today. I'm Sorry, Honey. I'm Just A Little Frustrated. 320 00:13:33,013 --> 00:13:34,380 I'm Trying To Figure Out Something 321 00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:37,884 The Company Would Really Appreciate. 322 00:13:37,918 --> 00:13:40,521 Well, Why Don't You Just Ask The Company What It Wants? 323 00:13:40,554 --> 00:13:43,356 I Always Like It On My Birthday When You Ask Me What I Want. 324 00:13:43,389 --> 00:13:46,359 Well, The Company Doesn't Know What It... 325 00:13:46,392 --> 00:13:49,696 Stella Clifton. That's It. 326 00:13:49,730 --> 00:13:52,533 That's What They Want. I'll Get Them Stella Clifton. 327 00:13:52,566 --> 00:13:54,367 Mwah! Thank You, Honey. 328 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,136 If You Think About It, 329 00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,038 It's Not Hard To Figure Out What People Want, 330 00:13:58,071 --> 00:14:01,174 Especially If They Tell You Over And Over Again. 331 00:14:01,207 --> 00:14:02,843 We're Not Getting A Motorcycle With A Sidecar. 332 00:14:02,876 --> 00:14:05,345 It's Just Not Practical. We'll See. 333 00:14:14,821 --> 00:14:16,356 What's 4 Plus 8? 334 00:14:16,389 --> 00:14:19,459 I Don't Know. A Triangle? 335 00:14:19,492 --> 00:14:21,795 I'm Very Tired. 336 00:14:21,828 --> 00:14:23,964 What Is All This? 337 00:14:23,997 --> 00:14:26,499 We've Been Up All Night Trying To Earn My Mother's Respect 338 00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:28,502 By Solving Clifton's Unfinished Equation, 339 00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:31,705 Which, As The Name Implies, She's Been Unable To Finish. 340 00:14:31,738 --> 00:14:35,308 Lem, You Shouldn't Have To Prove Anything To Your Mom. 341 00:14:35,341 --> 00:14:38,645 You're Great, And If She Can't See That, 342 00:14:38,679 --> 00:14:41,347 Then She Is An Insensitive Idiot 343 00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:44,184 Who Happens To Be Hot And Sexy. Phil! 344 00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:46,587 I Am Still A Man. 345 00:14:51,725 --> 00:14:54,294 (Elevator Bell Dings) 346 00:14:54,327 --> 00:14:57,363 Are You Ready For The Meeting? We Have To Cancel. 347 00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:58,899 Ted's Disappeared, And I Just Found Out, 348 00:14:58,932 --> 00:15:01,067 If You Leave The Scented Bulbs On For Three Days, 349 00:15:01,101 --> 00:15:02,836 It Smells Like Rotting Meat. 350 00:15:02,869 --> 00:15:06,372 Linda, Listen To Yourself. Those Are Just Facts, 351 00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:09,309 And Facts Are Just Opinions, And Opinions Can Be Wrong. 352 00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:12,145 The Only Thing That Is Never Wrong Is Confidence. 353 00:15:12,178 --> 00:15:14,948 But‐‐ No Buts. I Brought This Upstairs, 354 00:15:14,981 --> 00:15:17,150 And Your Failure Will Be My Failure. 355 00:15:17,183 --> 00:15:19,553 You Can Do This. I Know You Can. 356 00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:21,622 Now Get In There And Run That Meeting 357 00:15:21,655 --> 00:15:23,690 Like A Shark Driving An Assault Vehicle 358 00:15:23,724 --> 00:15:25,526 Through A Herd Of Seals Wearing Chum Pants. 359 00:15:25,559 --> 00:15:29,162 I'll Do It. 360 00:15:29,195 --> 00:15:32,733 And So With Aromas Ranging From Zucchini Bread To Fresh Laundry, 361 00:15:32,766 --> 00:15:35,536 The Scented Lightbulb Has Zero Downside. 362 00:15:35,569 --> 00:15:37,538 I Heard That After A Couple Of Days, 363 00:15:37,571 --> 00:15:40,574 The Bulb Stinks Like Rotting Meat. 364 00:15:42,475 --> 00:15:44,344 Then You, Sir, 365 00:15:44,377 --> 00:15:47,180 Are The Stupidest Man Who's Ever Lived. 366 00:15:47,213 --> 00:15:48,615 What? 367 00:15:48,649 --> 00:15:49,850 What? 368 00:15:49,883 --> 00:15:51,952 I'm An Executive Who Says, "What?" 369 00:15:51,985 --> 00:15:55,622 What Are You, 2? You're The One Who Smells Like Rotting Meat. 370 00:15:55,656 --> 00:15:59,292 (Whispers) Finish Him. Oh, My God. You're Jealous Of The Lightbulb. 371 00:15:59,325 --> 00:16:02,529 That's What This Is About. You Hate Light And Smell. 372 00:16:02,563 --> 00:16:05,398 What In The Name Of God Did Your Parents Do To You? 373 00:16:05,431 --> 00:16:08,702 Saunders, Take Your Weird, Emotional Issues 374 00:16:08,735 --> 00:16:10,537 And Get Out. 375 00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:14,440 (Whispers) Sorry. 376 00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:16,309 (Lowered Voice) No Weakness. 377 00:16:16,342 --> 00:16:18,211 (Normal Voice) Anyone Else Hear Any Stupid Rumors 378 00:16:18,244 --> 00:16:19,345 About My Lightbulb? 379 00:16:19,379 --> 00:16:21,414 Come On, Bring It. 380 00:16:25,018 --> 00:16:27,220 (Ted) So I Took Stella Clifton To Dinner 381 00:16:27,253 --> 00:16:29,289 To Convince Her To Come Work For Veridian. 382 00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:31,124 And I Brought Phil Along In Case The Conversation 383 00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:32,693 Got All Science‐Y On Me. 384 00:16:32,726 --> 00:16:34,628 If You Join The Veridian Team, 385 00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:37,497 You Would Have Access To Unmatched Scientific Resources, 386 00:16:37,531 --> 00:16:40,701 From Hydro‐Percolation Nongravitational Calibrators 387 00:16:40,734 --> 00:16:43,637 To Executives Who Only Know The Name Of One Cool Thing 388 00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:45,171 But Will Stay Out Of Your Way. 389 00:16:45,205 --> 00:16:48,675 I've Always Felt That When Science Is Seduced By Commerce, 390 00:16:48,709 --> 00:16:50,811 Scientists Become Intellectual Prostitutes‐‐ 391 00:16:50,844 --> 00:16:53,346 Mind Sluts, Brain Whores. 392 00:16:53,379 --> 00:16:56,717 Well, We Don't Have To Pay You. (Chuckles) 393 00:16:56,750 --> 00:16:59,520 Uh, So, Phil, You've Been A Little Quiet. 394 00:16:59,553 --> 00:17:01,221 Why Don't You Tell Dr. Clifton What You Like 395 00:17:01,254 --> 00:17:02,523 About Working At Veridian? 396 00:17:02,556 --> 00:17:04,858 (Swallows) Ahh. 397 00:17:04,891 --> 00:17:08,061 You're A Bitch. 398 00:17:08,094 --> 00:17:10,664 And There's A Gym, Which Has A Little Juice Bar. 399 00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:12,566 Who Needs To Exercise At A Gym 400 00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:15,702 When You've Got Your Son's Ego To Beat Up On? 401 00:17:15,736 --> 00:17:17,638 Phillip Myman, If I Am A Little Hard On Lem, 402 00:17:17,671 --> 00:17:19,873 It's Because I'm Helping Him By Pointing Out 403 00:17:19,906 --> 00:17:22,142 Potential Areas For Improvement. 404 00:17:22,175 --> 00:17:23,810 When Ted Asked Me To Come Tonight, 405 00:17:23,844 --> 00:17:25,812 I Agreed For One Reason‐‐ 406 00:17:25,846 --> 00:17:29,315 To Tell You That Your Son Is A Great Guy 407 00:17:29,349 --> 00:17:32,653 And A Brilliant Scientist, And If You Don't Want Him 408 00:17:32,686 --> 00:17:34,621 To Go Through Life Feeling Like Crap About Himself, 409 00:17:34,655 --> 00:17:37,223 You Should Tell Him You're Proud Of Him Once In A While. 410 00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:39,192 Okay, This Is My Fault. 411 00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:42,162 I Should Not Have Let Phil Have His Own Grown‐Up Drink. And You. 412 00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:45,365 You're So Desperate To Score Points With The Company, 413 00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:48,468 You're Trying To Hire This Hot, Sexy Woman 414 00:17:48,502 --> 00:17:51,404 Even Though You Know It Would Destroy Lem. 415 00:17:51,437 --> 00:17:53,273 Yes, I Think You're Sexy. 416 00:17:53,306 --> 00:17:55,642 Yes, I Don't Have A Lot Of Grown‐Up Drinks, 417 00:17:55,676 --> 00:17:58,645 And, Yes, I Wish I Had A Third Yes. 418 00:17:58,679 --> 00:18:01,582 And, Yes, I Don't. 419 00:18:07,554 --> 00:18:09,990 (Knock On Door) 420 00:18:10,023 --> 00:18:11,291 Hey. 421 00:18:11,324 --> 00:18:13,193 Ted. What A Surprise. 422 00:18:13,226 --> 00:18:15,161 You Missed A Good Meeting Today. 423 00:18:15,195 --> 00:18:17,798 I Lied In A Loud Voice And Then Crushed The Spirit 424 00:18:17,831 --> 00:18:20,200 Of The Only Honest Man In The Room. 425 00:18:20,233 --> 00:18:22,068 Listen... (Closes Door) 426 00:18:22,102 --> 00:18:24,004 I Want To Help You With Your Lightbulb, 427 00:18:24,037 --> 00:18:25,405 And I Mean Really Help You This Time, 428 00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:26,940 Not Get All Pissy And Competitive. 429 00:18:26,973 --> 00:18:30,310 Why? Linda Wonders Suspiciously. 430 00:18:30,343 --> 00:18:32,846 'Cause I Realized Tonight That Chasing The Company's Approval 431 00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:35,982 Has Turned Me Into A Childish, Approval‐Chasing Butt‐Head. 432 00:18:36,016 --> 00:18:38,318 Those Were Phil's Words When I Drove Him Home. 433 00:18:38,351 --> 00:18:41,522 He Also Accused Me Of Being Blurry And Spinny. 434 00:18:41,555 --> 00:18:44,457 Well, I Haven't Behaved Perfectly Either, 435 00:18:44,490 --> 00:18:46,159 Linda Says Contritely. 436 00:18:46,192 --> 00:18:47,227 Why Are You Talking Like That? 437 00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:50,831 Because It Makes It Easier For Me To Say I'm Sorry. 438 00:18:50,864 --> 00:18:54,034 Even Though I Have M Ostly Contempt For The Company, 439 00:18:54,067 --> 00:18:56,537 It Still Felt Nice When They Patted Me On The Head. 440 00:18:56,570 --> 00:18:58,772 And That Made Me Act All Gloaty, 441 00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:00,974 Linda Explained Explanatorily. 442 00:19:01,007 --> 00:19:02,943 Well, It's Okay, 443 00:19:02,976 --> 00:19:06,046 Ted Said, Using His Mouth. (Chuckles) 444 00:19:06,079 --> 00:19:09,683 I'm Glad We Don't Talk Like This All The Time, He Added. 445 00:19:09,716 --> 00:19:11,484 (Laughs) 446 00:19:16,590 --> 00:19:19,960 That Can't Be A 7, Or The Sky Would Be Green. 447 00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:22,195 Mom. What Brings You To The Place Where, As You Say, 448 00:19:22,228 --> 00:19:24,665 "Science Bends Over And Grabs Its Ankles"? 449 00:19:24,698 --> 00:19:27,968 I Just Wanted To See What My Son Was Up To. 450 00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:31,471 Why Are You Wasting Your Time Working On My Stuff? 451 00:19:31,505 --> 00:19:34,340 Why Don't You Show Me What You're Working On? 452 00:19:34,374 --> 00:19:37,678 Because You're Gonna Think It's Stupid. I Won't. 453 00:19:43,149 --> 00:19:45,552 Popcorn That Pops From The Heat In Your Mouth. 454 00:19:45,586 --> 00:19:46,953 Huh. 455 00:19:46,987 --> 00:19:49,856 It's Pretty Cool, Actually. 456 00:19:49,890 --> 00:19:53,193 (Corn Popping) 457 00:19:58,699 --> 00:20:01,802 (Mouth Full) I Think I Put Too Much In. 458 00:20:01,835 --> 00:20:04,304 (Spits) 459 00:20:04,337 --> 00:20:06,940 Can I Try One? (Normal Voice) Are You Sure? 460 00:20:06,973 --> 00:20:09,676 It's Fresh From The Crap Factory. 461 00:20:12,378 --> 00:20:14,515 (Pops) 462 00:20:14,548 --> 00:20:17,150 (Laughs) I Like It. 463 00:20:17,183 --> 00:20:18,819 Really? 464 00:20:18,852 --> 00:20:22,523 I'm Sorry I Never Looked Up At Your Satellite. 465 00:20:22,556 --> 00:20:26,192 It's Okay. It's Coming Around Again In 2015. 466 00:20:26,226 --> 00:20:29,429 It's A Date. You Bring The Popcorn. 467 00:20:30,831 --> 00:20:32,032 Crocodiles! 468 00:20:32,065 --> 00:20:34,400 Oh! I Was Having A Dream. 469 00:20:34,434 --> 00:20:37,571 The Only Thing I Remember Was A Curious Lack Of Crocodiles, 470 00:20:37,604 --> 00:20:40,173 And So I Began To Call Out For Them. 471 00:20:40,206 --> 00:20:43,443 Oh. Stella. 472 00:20:43,476 --> 00:20:45,946 Look At The Boards. 473 00:20:45,979 --> 00:20:48,949 See How Smart I Am? I Taped Three Of Them Together. 474 00:20:48,982 --> 00:20:50,951 Who Cares If You're Smart? You're Great In The Sack. 475 00:20:50,984 --> 00:20:52,719 Really? 476 00:20:52,753 --> 00:20:54,555 Ugh. 477 00:20:58,324 --> 00:21:00,226 Eventually, Working Together, 478 00:21:00,260 --> 00:21:02,162 Linda And I Found A Solution To Her Stinking Bulb Problem. 479 00:21:02,195 --> 00:21:04,197 I Just Wanted To Say Thanks For Mentoring Me, 480 00:21:04,230 --> 00:21:05,966 But I Can't Keep Faking The Crazy‐Confident Thing. 481 00:21:05,999 --> 00:21:07,968 It's Making Me More Crazy Than Confident. 482 00:21:08,001 --> 00:21:09,369 That's Fine, Linda. 483 00:21:09,402 --> 00:21:11,337 You Are Weak And So Will Never Be A Threat To Me. 484 00:21:11,371 --> 00:21:13,840 That's Perhaps Your Greatest Quality. 485 00:21:13,874 --> 00:21:14,941 And I Realized That Whether It's A Giant, 486 00:21:14,975 --> 00:21:16,943 Multinational Company Or Your Own Mother, 487 00:21:16,977 --> 00:21:18,945 You Should Never Chase Someone Else's Approval. 488 00:21:18,979 --> 00:21:21,948 Hey, Ted, I Heard You Pitched In On The Lightbulb. Nice Work. 489 00:21:21,982 --> 00:21:27,187 Really? You Think So? God, That Felt Good. 490 00:21:27,220 --> 00:21:29,690 (Camera Shutter Clicks) 38676

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