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"Hot in Cleveland" is recorded
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00:00:04,237 --> 00:00:06,229
in front of
a live studio audience.
3
00:00:06,305 --> 00:00:07,830
Brunch was really nice,
4
00:00:07,907 --> 00:00:10,085
but did you really need to tell
everybody in the restaurant
5
00:00:10,109 --> 00:00:11,186
that it was our anniversary?
6
00:00:11,210 --> 00:00:12,940
It was our anniversary.
7
00:00:13,012 --> 00:00:15,106
It's only been six weeks.
8
00:00:15,181 --> 00:00:16,649
I hear what you're saying.
9
00:00:16,716 --> 00:00:18,617
"Where's my present?"
10
00:00:19,185 --> 00:00:21,484
Well, here it is.
11
00:00:22,188 --> 00:00:23,918
It's a year's membership
to a wine club.
12
00:00:23,990 --> 00:00:25,390
We'll get a bottle every month,
13
00:00:25,458 --> 00:00:27,757
so we'll always have something
to take to Max and Pam's.
14
00:00:27,827 --> 00:00:29,887
Who are Max and Pam?
15
00:00:29,962 --> 00:00:31,988
Our best couple friends.
16
00:00:32,064 --> 00:00:33,175
We haven't
actually met them yet,
17
00:00:33,199 --> 00:00:34,929
so the names
are just placeholders.
18
00:00:36,602 --> 00:00:38,662
But in my head,
he's a human-rights lawyer,
19
00:00:38,738 --> 00:00:40,832
and she loves
to pickle vegetables.
20
00:00:40,907 --> 00:00:42,773
Pam the pickler.
21
00:00:42,842 --> 00:00:44,367
Oh, Jack, stop.
22
00:00:44,443 --> 00:00:46,275
You are moving
way too fast for me.
23
00:00:46,345 --> 00:00:48,405
I just...
I need a little space, okay?
24
00:00:48,481 --> 00:00:52,543
I mean, how can I miss you
if you won't go away?
25
00:00:55,555 --> 00:00:57,547
I think I understand.
26
00:00:57,623 --> 00:00:59,785
I'll take my foot off the gas
and put it on the brake.
27
00:00:59,859 --> 00:01:00,859
Thank you.
28
00:01:00,893 --> 00:01:03,761
And if I slip up, don't be
afraid to flash your headlights.
29
00:01:05,898 --> 00:01:08,197
That's... I didn't mean...
30
00:01:08,267 --> 00:01:09,462
Okay.
31
00:01:12,271 --> 00:01:14,103
Ugh, I'm gonna have
to break up with Jack.
32
00:01:14,173 --> 00:01:15,664
Why?
What's going on?
33
00:01:15,741 --> 00:01:17,607
She'd rather not talk about it.
34
00:01:17,677 --> 00:01:19,771
No, I would like
to talk about it.
35
00:01:19,845 --> 00:01:23,111
I meant,
"I'd rather not hear about it."
36
00:01:26,085 --> 00:01:27,417
Just one thing, Melanie.
37
00:01:27,486 --> 00:01:29,352
Prior to you asking for space,
38
00:01:29,422 --> 00:01:32,017
I picked out
a lakeside condo for us.
39
00:01:32,091 --> 00:01:33,435
Hoping you'd be able
to have a look at it
40
00:01:33,459 --> 00:01:34,927
before I lose the deposit?
41
00:01:36,195 --> 00:01:38,528
No, Jack, I'm not gonna
go look at a condo.
42
00:01:38,598 --> 00:01:39,598
Right.
43
00:01:39,665 --> 00:01:41,395
I'll leave you
with the condo brochure.
44
00:01:41,467 --> 00:01:44,631
Please take note
of the master-bath bidet.
45
00:01:46,272 --> 00:01:48,207
Do you see why I have
to break up with him?
46
00:01:48,274 --> 00:01:49,833
Oh, he's too clingy.
47
00:01:49,909 --> 00:01:52,811
He's like Spanx
you can't get off.
48
00:01:52,878 --> 00:01:54,176
Oh, God.
49
00:01:54,246 --> 00:01:55,824
There he is again.
Somebody else answer it.
50
00:01:55,848 --> 00:01:58,408
- I'm not here.
- Fine. I'll get it.
51
00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:03,021
Holy crap!
52
00:02:05,524 --> 00:02:06,719
Dad?
53
00:02:06,792 --> 00:02:08,351
Hello, Victoria.
54
00:02:08,427 --> 00:02:09,827
Hello, ladies.
55
00:02:11,364 --> 00:02:13,333
What are you doing here?
56
00:02:13,399 --> 00:02:15,493
Can't I just drop in
and see my little girl?
57
00:02:15,568 --> 00:02:16,501
Seriously?
58
00:02:16,569 --> 00:02:18,435
We haven't spoken in six months,
59
00:02:18,504 --> 00:02:21,531
and our last conversation ended
with me calling you a has-been
60
00:02:21,607 --> 00:02:22,836
and you calling me a hack.
61
00:02:24,110 --> 00:02:25,806
What, and now you just show up?
62
00:02:25,878 --> 00:02:28,643
Well, I'm dying to see
the Football Hall of Fame.
63
00:02:28,714 --> 00:02:30,307
Oh, let me rephrase that.
64
00:02:30,383 --> 00:02:32,818
I'd like to see
the Football Hall of Fame,
65
00:02:32,885 --> 00:02:33,885
and I'm dying.
66
00:02:36,055 --> 00:02:37,887
Oh, my God, Daddy.
67
00:02:37,957 --> 00:02:39,255
Three months?
68
00:02:39,325 --> 00:02:40,884
That's what the doctors say.
69
00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:43,259
But, as an old actor, I'd like
to milk it to six months.
70
00:02:44,997 --> 00:02:46,295
Doctors.
71
00:02:46,365 --> 00:02:50,063
Do you remember when I played
Noah Wyle's mentor on "ER"?
72
00:02:50,136 --> 00:02:50,728
Mm.
73
00:02:50,803 --> 00:02:52,271
And you brought such humanity
74
00:02:52,338 --> 00:02:54,807
to that alien doctor
you played on "Lost in Space."
75
00:02:54,874 --> 00:02:55,671
Yes.
76
00:02:55,741 --> 00:02:58,734
But that robot was an a-hole.
77
00:03:00,012 --> 00:03:02,948
You know, honey, I know that
we've never really gotten along.
78
00:03:03,015 --> 00:03:03,948
No, just forget it.
79
00:03:04,016 --> 00:03:06,679
I mean, that all seems
so silly now.
80
00:03:06,752 --> 00:03:09,017
Is there anything I can do
for you? Anything at all?
81
00:03:09,088 --> 00:03:12,422
Well, just being here
with you is enough.
82
00:03:12,491 --> 00:03:14,892
Although I would like to work.
83
00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:17,054
One last hurrah would be nice.
84
00:03:17,129 --> 00:03:19,724
Well, I could help you
with that.
85
00:03:19,799 --> 00:03:22,291
My HBO show... I'm sure
I could get you something.
86
00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:23,745
Really?
Well, I don't want to put you
87
00:03:23,769 --> 00:03:25,294
in any kind of awkward position.
88
00:03:25,371 --> 00:03:26,448
No, I really want to do this.
89
00:03:26,472 --> 00:03:27,940
I'm gonna call my producer
right now.
90
00:03:28,007 --> 00:03:28,906
But, um...
91
00:03:28,974 --> 00:03:30,285
before I go,
can I get you something?
92
00:03:30,309 --> 00:03:31,868
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You make that call.
93
00:03:31,944 --> 00:03:33,255
I'll just go get
a glass of water.
94
00:03:33,279 --> 00:03:34,577
Okay.
95
00:03:36,882 --> 00:03:38,145
Elka.
96
00:03:38,217 --> 00:03:41,779
How is it possible that you just
get more and more beautiful?
97
00:03:41,854 --> 00:03:44,949
It surprises me, too.
98
00:03:45,858 --> 00:03:47,850
You know...
99
00:03:47,927 --> 00:03:49,759
when you don't have
much time left,
100
00:03:49,829 --> 00:03:53,789
you realize you want to live
every moment to the fullest.
101
00:03:53,866 --> 00:03:56,461
Let me stop you right there.
102
00:03:56,535 --> 00:03:59,266
I don't date actors.
103
00:03:59,905 --> 00:04:02,170
Victoria said
that you slept with Sinatra.
104
00:04:02,241 --> 00:04:03,607
He was an actor.
105
00:04:03,676 --> 00:04:05,304
He was Sinatra.
106
00:04:07,146 --> 00:04:09,775
You break the rules for Sinatra.
107
00:04:10,883 --> 00:04:13,079
So no ring-a-ding-ding?
108
00:04:13,152 --> 00:04:15,417
Not this time, Junior.
109
00:04:20,593 --> 00:04:22,027
Hello, Bernie.
110
00:04:22,094 --> 00:04:24,188
It's Alex Chase,
your favorite client.
111
00:04:24,263 --> 00:04:26,323
Listen, it's looking good
on this HBO thing.
112
00:04:26,398 --> 00:04:28,424
I told my daughter
a little white lie,
113
00:04:28,501 --> 00:04:29,935
and she pulled some strings.
114
00:04:30,002 --> 00:04:33,439
Who knows? I could ride
this show for five years.
115
00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:36,471
Uh, I'll call you back
when I know more.
116
00:04:36,542 --> 00:04:39,034
Oh, hi, Joy.
117
00:04:39,111 --> 00:04:40,841
I was just talking to my doctor.
118
00:04:40,913 --> 00:04:44,111
I heard you on the phone.
You're not dying.
119
00:04:44,183 --> 00:04:45,947
How could you do this
to Victoria?
120
00:04:46,018 --> 00:04:47,028
This is gonna break her heart.
121
00:04:47,052 --> 00:04:48,850
- Only if you tell her.
- Which I'm going to.
122
00:04:48,921 --> 00:04:51,117
No, w-wait, wait, wait, wait.
123
00:04:51,190 --> 00:04:53,887
What will it cost me
to keep you quiet, huh?
124
00:04:53,959 --> 00:04:56,121
$5?
125
00:04:56,195 --> 00:04:57,754
$6? $7?
126
00:04:57,830 --> 00:04:59,389
I really need this job.
127
00:05:00,299 --> 00:05:02,097
Daddy, I did it.
128
00:05:02,168 --> 00:05:03,545
And not only
are they gonna cast you,
129
00:05:03,569 --> 00:05:06,539
it's a terrific part,
and we have two scenes together.
130
00:05:06,605 --> 00:05:08,506
Oh, honey, that's wonderful.
131
00:05:08,574 --> 00:05:09,769
Oh, I can't believe it.
132
00:05:09,842 --> 00:05:11,802
I mean, to think that
we almost missed this chance
133
00:05:11,844 --> 00:05:13,335
to act together.
134
00:05:13,412 --> 00:05:14,956
You know, this is something
that I've wanted
135
00:05:14,980 --> 00:05:17,313
ever since the first time
I came and visited you on a set.
136
00:05:17,383 --> 00:05:20,148
Oh, honey, it's a dream
come true for me, as well.
137
00:05:20,219 --> 00:05:21,653
Hm.
138
00:05:22,221 --> 00:05:24,315
Oh, Joy, isn't this great news?
139
00:05:24,390 --> 00:05:25,390
Yes, great.
140
00:05:25,424 --> 00:05:26,424
What's the role?
141
00:05:26,458 --> 00:05:30,088
Oh, you're playing
a smooth-talking con man.
142
00:05:31,997 --> 00:05:34,432
I couldn't think
of a better part.
143
00:05:38,771 --> 00:05:40,899
♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪
144
00:05:40,973 --> 00:05:44,205
♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪
145
00:05:44,276 --> 00:05:44,868
♪ Hey! ♪
146
00:05:44,944 --> 00:05:46,588
We'll be right back
with more "He Said, She Said"
147
00:05:46,612 --> 00:05:47,705
after these messages.
148
00:05:49,381 --> 00:05:50,849
Hey, um,
let me ask you something.
149
00:05:50,916 --> 00:05:51,916
Huh?
150
00:05:51,984 --> 00:05:54,010
Jack is so clingy,
and I got to break up with him,
151
00:05:54,086 --> 00:05:55,952
but I...
How do I let him down easy?
152
00:05:56,021 --> 00:05:58,081
You can't let guys down easy.
153
00:05:58,157 --> 00:06:00,317
You got to smack 'em in
the head, or they won't get it.
154
00:06:00,426 --> 00:06:01,359
Tell you what.
155
00:06:01,427 --> 00:06:03,138
Pretend I'm your boyfriend
and break up with me.
156
00:06:03,162 --> 00:06:04,357
But don't be sweet about it.
157
00:06:04,930 --> 00:06:07,764
Okay.
158
00:06:08,701 --> 00:06:11,637
Frankie, you're an obnoxious
jerk, I'm sick of your face,
159
00:06:11,704 --> 00:06:12,981
and I don't want
to date you anymore.
160
00:06:13,005 --> 00:06:15,065
- Gee whiz, Melanie.
- Oh, Frankie.
161
00:06:15,140 --> 00:06:16,267
Oh, I'm sorry.
162
00:06:16,342 --> 00:06:18,868
That was a test.
You failed.
163
00:06:20,112 --> 00:06:21,923
Look, you got to be 10 times
stronger than that.
164
00:06:21,947 --> 00:06:24,576
Just walk in there,
drop the bomb, and walk away.
165
00:06:24,650 --> 00:06:25,811
Like James Bond.
166
00:06:25,885 --> 00:06:27,751
- Can you do that?
- Yeah.
167
00:06:27,820 --> 00:06:29,397
Melanie, you got to act
like you want it.
168
00:06:29,421 --> 00:06:30,320
- I want it.
- Come on.
169
00:06:30,389 --> 00:06:32,067
- Say it like you mean it.
- I want it, Frankie.
170
00:06:32,091 --> 00:06:33,957
I want it really bad.
I want it so bad.
171
00:06:34,026 --> 00:06:35,654
Whoa, Melanie.
"No" means no.
172
00:06:35,728 --> 00:06:38,061
Can we just do the show, please?
173
00:06:44,403 --> 00:06:46,736
So, that's it.
It's over between us.
174
00:06:46,805 --> 00:06:48,068
I don't understand.
175
00:06:48,140 --> 00:06:49,870
- Can't we talk about this?
- No.
176
00:06:49,942 --> 00:06:52,138
I dropped the bomb,
and now I'm walking away,
177
00:06:52,211 --> 00:06:53,509
like James Bond.
178
00:06:53,579 --> 00:06:55,810
But James Bond
doesn't drop bombs.
179
00:06:55,881 --> 00:06:57,509
He defuses them.
180
00:06:58,717 --> 00:07:01,846
Well, I'm... I'm sure
he dropped a bomb in some movie.
181
00:07:01,921 --> 00:07:04,083
"Moonraker," maybe.
182
00:07:04,156 --> 00:07:06,421
Jack, it's over,
183
00:07:06,492 --> 00:07:09,291
and I think, for a while,
it's best if we don't even talk.
184
00:07:10,229 --> 00:07:11,629
But I'm your neighbor.
185
00:07:11,697 --> 00:07:13,757
What if I see a car
barreling toward you?
186
00:07:13,832 --> 00:07:15,858
Surely I can talk to you then.
187
00:07:15,935 --> 00:07:16,994
"Hey, Melanie, watch out!
188
00:07:17,069 --> 00:07:19,834
You're gonna be crushed
by a runaway car!"
189
00:07:20,706 --> 00:07:23,608
No.
Not even then.
190
00:07:23,676 --> 00:07:24,676
Goodbye, Jack.
191
00:07:26,312 --> 00:07:27,312
Melanie.
192
00:07:33,552 --> 00:07:36,613
So, listeners, it pains me
to tell you this,
193
00:07:36,689 --> 00:07:38,099
but Frankie gave me
some good advice.
194
00:07:38,123 --> 00:07:40,558
I took it,
and it turned out great.
195
00:07:40,626 --> 00:07:42,527
Yeah, she dumped her boyfriend.
196
00:07:42,594 --> 00:07:44,072
So now she's just another
middle-aged woman
197
00:07:44,096 --> 00:07:45,394
looking for love.
198
00:07:46,765 --> 00:07:49,701
Which is great news for all
the cat shelters out there.
199
00:07:51,236 --> 00:07:53,156
So, Frankie, how's it going
with your girlfriend?
200
00:07:53,205 --> 00:07:54,969
Uh, well, I'll be honest.
201
00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:57,066
We've hit
a bit of a bumpy patch.
202
00:07:57,142 --> 00:07:58,633
Oh, really?
What happened?
203
00:07:58,711 --> 00:08:00,577
Did she spring a leak
and get deflated?
204
00:08:02,548 --> 00:08:04,073
Okay, let's take
our last caller.
205
00:08:04,149 --> 00:08:05,674
It's a guy
with a relationship problem.
206
00:08:05,751 --> 00:08:06,980
Hi.
How can we help?
207
00:08:07,052 --> 00:08:08,315
Yes, long-time listener.
208
00:08:08,387 --> 00:08:10,754
It seems I'm in a spot
of trouble with my lady.
209
00:08:10,823 --> 00:08:12,416
It's Jack.
210
00:08:12,491 --> 00:08:14,469
She sent me packing,
but I'm here to win her back
211
00:08:14,493 --> 00:08:16,155
with a song.
212
00:08:16,895 --> 00:08:18,239
♪ My lady ♪
213
00:08:18,263 --> 00:08:20,095
Oh.
Oh, look at that.
214
00:08:20,165 --> 00:08:21,360
We lost the caller.
215
00:08:21,433 --> 00:08:23,561
Oh, well, I guess we'll just
have to go to commercial.
216
00:08:23,635 --> 00:08:25,695
Now. Now!
217
00:08:25,771 --> 00:08:27,933
What is he doing here?
218
00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:29,373
I dropped the bomb.
I walked away.
219
00:08:29,441 --> 00:08:30,374
Now what do I do?
220
00:08:30,442 --> 00:08:32,122
Look, just go out that way.
I'll handle it.
221
00:08:39,418 --> 00:08:40,886
- Where'd she go?
- Look.
222
00:08:40,953 --> 00:08:42,785
It's over with Melanie, okay?
223
00:08:42,855 --> 00:08:44,517
Just move on to someone else.
224
00:08:45,157 --> 00:08:46,716
I don't know where to begin.
225
00:08:46,792 --> 00:08:48,693
I'm a one-woman guy.
226
00:08:48,761 --> 00:08:51,196
Two if you count my mum.
227
00:08:51,263 --> 00:08:53,858
Look, you got to forget
about her, okay?
228
00:08:53,932 --> 00:08:55,010
And I can help you with that.
229
00:08:55,034 --> 00:08:56,798
You even been
to a gentleman's club?
230
00:08:56,869 --> 00:08:58,895
Wait, you talking
about strippers?
231
00:08:58,971 --> 00:09:00,633
Those places seem a bit sketchy.
232
00:09:00,706 --> 00:09:03,938
Nah, you're thinking about
the ones that have a buffet.
233
00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:07,309
Well, I guess
I could give it a try.
234
00:09:07,379 --> 00:09:09,177
It better not be
one of those ones
235
00:09:09,248 --> 00:09:12,150
where they rip off the skivvy
and there's a penis.
236
00:09:14,153 --> 00:09:16,782
That's one bachelor party
I'd rather forget.
237
00:09:22,161 --> 00:09:24,130
So, you've been lying to me
all this time?
238
00:09:24,196 --> 00:09:26,529
I'm sorry.
I just got caught up in it.
239
00:09:26,598 --> 00:09:27,657
Will you ever forgive me?
240
00:09:27,733 --> 00:09:29,010
Of course she can't forgive you.
241
00:09:29,034 --> 00:09:30,332
What you did was horrible.
242
00:09:30,402 --> 00:09:33,270
What? Joy!
That's not in the script.
243
00:09:36,008 --> 00:09:37,476
We're running lines here.
244
00:09:37,543 --> 00:09:38,806
Don't improvise.
245
00:09:38,877 --> 00:09:39,936
I'm sorry.
246
00:09:40,012 --> 00:09:42,379
I just decided
my character's backstory
247
00:09:42,448 --> 00:09:44,417
is that she knows the truth
about the con man
248
00:09:44,483 --> 00:09:46,816
and desperately wants to tell
someone about it.
249
00:09:46,885 --> 00:09:50,481
Well, that's an odd attitude
for the court stenographer.
250
00:09:54,993 --> 00:09:57,792
Maybe you're overthinking it.
251
00:09:57,863 --> 00:10:00,492
Small-part fever.
252
00:10:00,566 --> 00:10:01,727
You may not get that.
253
00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:04,133
We're having a laugh
at your expense.
254
00:10:09,875 --> 00:10:12,310
Oh, Daddy, this is so much fun.
255
00:10:12,377 --> 00:10:14,175
And I know
this is gonna sound strange,
256
00:10:14,246 --> 00:10:17,944
but I almost wish
you were dying years ago.
257
00:10:19,218 --> 00:10:20,948
I know what you mean,
sweetheart.
258
00:10:21,019 --> 00:10:23,511
I can't remember
when we've ever been this close.
259
00:10:23,589 --> 00:10:25,114
It's just such a waste,
you know.
260
00:10:25,190 --> 00:10:26,590
All those years of fighting.
261
00:10:26,658 --> 00:10:28,149
What were we even fighting
about?
262
00:10:28,227 --> 00:10:30,594
Oh, it doesn't matter anymore.
263
00:10:30,662 --> 00:10:33,359
The fact is, we're together now.
264
00:10:33,432 --> 00:10:35,298
Let me get you some water.
265
00:10:35,367 --> 00:10:37,859
The doctor says
scotch would be better.
266
00:10:40,105 --> 00:10:42,404
I didn't finish the script,
267
00:10:42,474 --> 00:10:45,000
so I'm curious
how this story ends.
268
00:10:45,077 --> 00:10:48,707
How long does this con man think
he can keep up this charade?
269
00:10:48,780 --> 00:10:51,545
Perhaps he hasn't thought it
all through yet.
270
00:10:51,617 --> 00:10:53,279
Well, perhaps he should realize
271
00:10:53,352 --> 00:10:55,583
that there's only so long
the court stenographer
272
00:10:55,654 --> 00:10:57,714
can sit on this
before telling her friend.
273
00:10:58,590 --> 00:11:01,651
This sounds like
a terrible show.
274
00:11:07,432 --> 00:11:11,995
You know, I think I've had
enough acting for one evening.
275
00:11:13,305 --> 00:11:14,568
Well, Elka...
276
00:11:15,707 --> 00:11:19,007
it looks like fate wants us
to be alone at last.
277
00:11:19,077 --> 00:11:21,842
You know my policy about actors.
278
00:11:21,914 --> 00:11:23,644
Oh, forget I'm an actor.
279
00:11:23,715 --> 00:11:26,116
Right now, I'm just a boy
standing in front of a girl
280
00:11:26,185 --> 00:11:27,710
saying, "I'm dying.
281
00:11:27,786 --> 00:11:29,516
Will you sleep with me?"
282
00:11:30,923 --> 00:11:32,221
If I fell for that,
283
00:11:32,291 --> 00:11:36,251
I'd have to sleep with every guy
at the senior center.
284
00:11:42,566 --> 00:11:44,728
What?
He's not dying?
285
00:11:44,802 --> 00:11:46,703
Oh, my God.
What are you gonna do?
286
00:11:46,771 --> 00:11:48,330
Well, I have two choices...
287
00:11:48,406 --> 00:11:51,467
Tell Victoria and destroy their
beautiful reconciliation...
288
00:11:51,542 --> 00:11:54,637
Or not tell her,
and when she finds out,
289
00:11:54,712 --> 00:11:56,510
she'll be mad that you knew
and said nothing.
290
00:11:56,580 --> 00:11:59,550
Or, third choice...
We could drink, pick up guys,
291
00:11:59,617 --> 00:12:02,485
and let the crazy actors
figure it out for themselves.
292
00:12:05,756 --> 00:12:06,951
Why'd you want to come here?
293
00:12:07,024 --> 00:12:08,435
I mean, we could get a drink
over at the...
294
00:12:08,459 --> 00:12:10,587
Oh, that's why you wanted
to come here.
295
00:12:10,661 --> 00:12:12,357
I just had to see her again.
296
00:12:12,430 --> 00:12:13,796
Look, man,
this kind of desperation
297
00:12:13,864 --> 00:12:16,095
is exactly why women dump you,
okay?
298
00:12:16,167 --> 00:12:17,999
You got to be cool, aloof.
299
00:12:18,069 --> 00:12:19,560
Act like they don't exist.
300
00:12:19,637 --> 00:12:20,935
And women like that?
301
00:12:21,005 --> 00:12:23,270
You can't care what women like.
302
00:12:23,341 --> 00:12:24,365
That's what they like.
303
00:12:28,446 --> 00:12:30,574
Oh, no.
Jack is here.
304
00:12:30,648 --> 00:12:32,173
I hope he doesn't make
another scene.
305
00:12:33,317 --> 00:12:34,717
Hey, Joy.
306
00:12:37,788 --> 00:12:39,586
Well, he seems to have gotten
the message.
307
00:12:39,657 --> 00:12:40,920
He didn't even look at you.
308
00:12:40,991 --> 00:12:42,926
He didn't, did he?
309
00:12:42,993 --> 00:12:45,758
I mean, three hours ago,
he was serenading me on the air,
310
00:12:45,830 --> 00:12:47,696
and now he can't even
acknowledge my existence.
311
00:12:47,765 --> 00:12:49,825
So good for him.
312
00:12:49,900 --> 00:12:51,835
Good for him.
313
00:12:53,704 --> 00:12:56,071
You know, the problem was never
that he wasn't cute enough.
314
00:12:56,140 --> 00:12:58,939
Melanie, don't let him
suck you in.
315
00:12:59,009 --> 00:13:02,946
I mean, sure, he's ignoring you
and acting like you don't exist,
316
00:13:03,013 --> 00:13:05,539
and, sure, that's hot and sexy
and appealing.
317
00:13:06,817 --> 00:13:08,649
But the minute
you take him back,
318
00:13:08,719 --> 00:13:11,120
he'll be committed and kind
and thoughtful.
319
00:13:11,188 --> 00:13:13,089
He'll be awful again.
320
00:13:14,392 --> 00:13:15,655
Maybe.
321
00:13:15,726 --> 00:13:18,389
- Or maybe he's changed.
- Where are you going?
322
00:13:18,462 --> 00:13:19,840
I'm just gonna go check
on our drinks.
323
00:13:19,864 --> 00:13:20,923
Take it easy, Joy.
324
00:13:24,435 --> 00:13:25,903
Hey, Jack.
325
00:13:28,239 --> 00:13:30,731
I said, uh, "Hey, Jack."
326
00:13:30,808 --> 00:13:32,709
I don't care.
327
00:13:37,381 --> 00:13:39,407
Wait, I do care.
328
00:13:39,483 --> 00:13:40,483
I can't play it cool.
329
00:13:40,551 --> 00:13:42,486
Please take me back, Melanie.
330
00:13:42,553 --> 00:13:44,749
The condo people said
they'd give us another week.
331
00:13:44,822 --> 00:13:47,485
I tried the bidet.
It's heaven.
332
00:13:47,558 --> 00:13:49,527
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
333
00:13:49,593 --> 00:13:50,526
- No.
- All right, come on, pal.
334
00:13:50,594 --> 00:13:51,789
Take a hint.
She's moved on.
335
00:13:51,862 --> 00:13:53,660
Moved on?
With who?
336
00:13:53,731 --> 00:13:55,859
With someone.
337
00:13:55,933 --> 00:13:57,196
Someone who?
338
00:13:57,268 --> 00:13:59,396
With... Frankie.
339
00:13:59,470 --> 00:14:01,234
Right, Frankie?
340
00:14:01,305 --> 00:14:02,364
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
341
00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:03,999
I mean, you know how it is.
342
00:14:04,074 --> 00:14:06,339
You sit next to a beautiful
woman for hours every day.
343
00:14:06,410 --> 00:14:08,311
She's yapping about something.
344
00:14:08,379 --> 00:14:10,007
You're undressing her
with your eyes.
345
00:14:11,482 --> 00:14:13,576
I'm so sorry, Jack.
346
00:14:13,651 --> 00:14:16,348
I'm, you know, just crazy
about this...
347
00:14:16,420 --> 00:14:19,219
bald, mean man.
348
00:14:20,791 --> 00:14:22,623
Some friend
you turned out to be.
349
00:14:22,693 --> 00:14:23,854
You've stolen my girl.
350
00:14:25,729 --> 00:14:28,198
Hey.
Look, I'm sorry, pal.
351
00:14:28,999 --> 00:14:30,467
No hard feelings?
352
00:14:39,009 --> 00:14:40,009
Wow.
353
00:14:40,444 --> 00:14:43,903
That clingy little boyfriend
of yours sure packs a punch.
354
00:14:43,981 --> 00:14:46,541
He was
an amateur boxing champion,
355
00:14:46,542 --> 00:14:48,943
and he was in
the New Zealand special forces.
356
00:14:49,011 --> 00:14:51,139
You know, he actually killed
a few guys.
357
00:14:51,881 --> 00:14:53,625
Why didn't you tell me that
before you volunteered me
358
00:14:53,649 --> 00:14:54,912
to be your lover?
359
00:14:54,984 --> 00:14:56,577
- Sorry about that.
- Yeah.
360
00:14:56,652 --> 00:14:57,915
But, hey, here's the good news.
361
00:14:57,987 --> 00:15:00,286
You don't have to pretend
to be my lover anymore.
362
00:15:00,356 --> 00:15:02,325
Eh, it wasn't so bad.
363
00:15:02,391 --> 00:15:04,087
Really?
364
00:15:06,429 --> 00:15:08,173
Look, Melanie, there's
something I got to tell you.
365
00:15:08,197 --> 00:15:11,793
Um, I got an offer
from a radio station...
366
00:15:11,867 --> 00:15:13,130
in Dallas.
367
00:15:13,202 --> 00:15:15,762
And I'm gonna take it.
368
00:15:15,838 --> 00:15:18,000
Oh.
369
00:15:21,076 --> 00:15:23,196
- Well, I'm gonna miss you.
- I'm gonna miss you, too.
370
00:15:23,646 --> 00:15:26,548
You're a pain in the ass,
but you do make me laugh.
371
00:15:27,616 --> 00:15:29,448
Same.
372
00:15:30,186 --> 00:15:31,463
I mean, you know,
maybe I could talk
373
00:15:31,487 --> 00:15:33,581
to the station in Dallas, and...
374
00:15:33,656 --> 00:15:35,147
maybe they could take you, too.
375
00:15:35,224 --> 00:15:36,988
I mean,
we could be a team again.
376
00:15:37,059 --> 00:15:39,426
And, you know, after work,
377
00:15:39,495 --> 00:15:42,192
maybe we could get a beer
or have dinner,
378
00:15:42,264 --> 00:15:45,029
or perhaps we could just take
turns cooking for each other.
379
00:15:45,100 --> 00:15:47,501
Oh, my God, what the
are you doing to me?
380
00:15:48,938 --> 00:15:50,998
I'm not doing anything.
381
00:15:51,073 --> 00:15:53,269
Yeah, you are. It's you.
You're the problem.
382
00:15:53,342 --> 00:15:54,553
This is what you do to men,
you know?
383
00:15:54,577 --> 00:15:56,388
You make them think
about long-term relationships.
384
00:15:56,412 --> 00:15:59,211
You stimulate
their commitment gland.
385
00:16:01,083 --> 00:16:03,245
Don't you think you share
some responsibility
386
00:16:03,319 --> 00:16:04,548
for your own feelings?
387
00:16:05,988 --> 00:16:07,354
No.
388
00:16:08,791 --> 00:16:10,453
Look, I'm leaving, okay?
389
00:16:10,526 --> 00:16:13,428
But, um, I'll e-mail you
when I get there.
390
00:16:14,230 --> 00:16:16,222
I'll shoot you
the occasional text.
391
00:16:16,298 --> 00:16:17,732
Perhaps we could try FaceTime.
392
00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:18,944
Oh, my God,
you're doing it again.
393
00:16:18,968 --> 00:16:20,869
I got to get away from you.
394
00:16:26,992 --> 00:16:30,258
Elka, you should have seen
my little girl today.
395
00:16:30,328 --> 00:16:32,297
That scene with Paul Giamatti...
396
00:16:32,364 --> 00:16:34,663
She acted the pants off him.
397
00:16:34,733 --> 00:16:38,170
Tell me when you're acting
with Mark Wahlberg.
398
00:16:41,073 --> 00:16:43,406
God, Victoria's so happy.
399
00:16:43,475 --> 00:16:45,186
It's gonna kill her
when she finds out the truth.
400
00:16:45,210 --> 00:16:47,509
Which is why we're bringing
an end to it tonight.
401
00:16:47,579 --> 00:16:49,775
What, we're just gonna come
right out and tell her?
402
00:16:49,848 --> 00:16:51,214
We're not gonna tell her
anything.
403
00:16:51,283 --> 00:16:53,479
He's going to tell her.
404
00:16:53,552 --> 00:16:56,021
Ah.
405
00:16:57,289 --> 00:16:58,780
I don't get it.
406
00:17:00,725 --> 00:17:03,285
- Just follow my lead.
- Okay.
407
00:17:06,131 --> 00:17:07,690
Victoria...
408
00:17:07,766 --> 00:17:09,394
Melanie and I were talking,
409
00:17:09,468 --> 00:17:12,768
and since your father
has so little time left,
410
00:17:12,838 --> 00:17:14,636
we think
you should spend it together.
411
00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:17,739
Yes. Yes.
412
00:17:20,445 --> 00:17:21,970
Joy and I were talking,
413
00:17:22,047 --> 00:17:26,451
and... and that is exactly
what we were thinking.
414
00:17:28,253 --> 00:17:30,620
So I'm gonna let Joy
tell you the rest.
415
00:17:34,793 --> 00:17:37,991
We found a lovely facility
here in Cleveland
416
00:17:38,063 --> 00:17:40,498
where your father can live out
the rest of his days.
417
00:17:40,565 --> 00:17:42,193
Joy, wait, wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
418
00:17:42,267 --> 00:17:43,291
That's very kind of you,
419
00:17:43,368 --> 00:17:45,701
but I would never want to be
a burden to anyone.
420
00:17:45,770 --> 00:17:47,602
Burden?
Never.
421
00:17:47,672 --> 00:17:49,140
But you shouldn't be
in a facility.
422
00:17:49,207 --> 00:17:50,573
You should be with me.
423
00:17:50,642 --> 00:17:53,874
Now, I'm sure that we can set up
a bed for you right down here.
424
00:17:53,945 --> 00:17:56,437
Yes, and we can get
a large male nurse
425
00:17:56,515 --> 00:17:58,315
- to carry you to the shower.
- Aww.
426
00:18:02,954 --> 00:18:06,652
Oh, you can be
my little invalid.
427
00:18:06,725 --> 00:18:08,193
So, what do you say?
428
00:18:08,260 --> 00:18:09,387
Well, I-I...
429
00:18:09,461 --> 00:18:11,987
Really, I don't know
what to say, except...
430
00:18:12,063 --> 00:18:13,156
Oh, damn it.
431
00:18:14,132 --> 00:18:16,499
I have a major announcement
to make.
432
00:18:17,936 --> 00:18:20,269
Victoria, I lied to you.
433
00:18:20,338 --> 00:18:21,499
I'm not dying.
434
00:18:21,573 --> 00:18:22,871
What?!
435
00:18:22,941 --> 00:18:24,773
You've been faking
all this time?
436
00:18:24,843 --> 00:18:27,745
Oh, Daddy, how could you do
such a heinous thing?
437
00:18:27,812 --> 00:18:29,280
Because I thought that you...
438
00:18:29,347 --> 00:18:32,181
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You're overplaying your shock.
439
00:18:33,852 --> 00:18:35,912
You knew I was faking it,
didn't you?
440
00:18:35,987 --> 00:18:37,512
Yes.
441
00:18:37,589 --> 00:18:39,387
Well, not at first.
442
00:18:39,457 --> 00:18:41,619
That medicinal scotch
kind of tipped me off.
443
00:18:43,361 --> 00:18:45,990
But once I figured it out,
I was shocked.
444
00:18:46,064 --> 00:18:48,295
That you would manipulate me
emotionally,
445
00:18:48,366 --> 00:18:49,966
tell me that you had
three months to live
446
00:18:50,035 --> 00:18:51,094
just to get a job?
447
00:18:51,169 --> 00:18:52,569
Well, that is not just cruel.
448
00:18:52,637 --> 00:18:53,866
That is typical.
449
00:18:53,939 --> 00:18:54,998
Typical?
450
00:18:55,073 --> 00:18:57,269
I've done so many things for you
451
00:18:57,342 --> 00:18:59,436
that you never even
thanked me for.
452
00:18:59,511 --> 00:19:01,088
Do you think you would have had
all your success
453
00:19:01,112 --> 00:19:02,671
if it wasn't for me?
454
00:19:02,747 --> 00:19:04,375
Oh, you want thanks?
Okay.
455
00:19:04,449 --> 00:19:06,281
Thank you for cheating on Mom.
456
00:19:06,351 --> 00:19:08,820
Thank you for never being there
for me when I needed you.
457
00:19:08,887 --> 00:19:10,287
Thank you...
458
00:19:10,355 --> 00:19:12,324
Oh, my God.
459
00:19:12,390 --> 00:19:13,449
What?
460
00:19:13,525 --> 00:19:15,619
Why are we doing this again?
461
00:19:15,694 --> 00:19:17,162
Fighting like this?
462
00:19:18,830 --> 00:19:22,460
Daddy, wasn't it better
a couple of minutes ago
463
00:19:22,534 --> 00:19:24,162
when we put
our resentments aside
464
00:19:24,236 --> 00:19:27,638
and just celebrated
what we love about each other?
465
00:19:27,706 --> 00:19:30,141
But I was dying then.
466
00:19:31,509 --> 00:19:34,069
Well, in a way,
aren't we all dying?
467
00:19:34,145 --> 00:19:35,511
We are.
468
00:19:35,580 --> 00:19:37,606
So can't we just act
as if we are?
469
00:19:37,682 --> 00:19:41,414
It seems like a much better way
to go through life.
470
00:19:42,988 --> 00:19:45,583
That would be
a great acting challenge...
471
00:19:45,657 --> 00:19:48,320
Me pretending to be dying...
472
00:19:48,393 --> 00:19:52,194
you pretending not knowing
that I'm pretending to be dying.
473
00:19:53,632 --> 00:19:56,625
If anyone can pull that off,
Daddy, we can.
474
00:20:00,038 --> 00:20:02,098
Our plan worked!
475
00:20:04,242 --> 00:20:06,609
Yes.
You were excellent.
476
00:20:11,283 --> 00:20:14,617
So... you're not dying.
477
00:20:14,686 --> 00:20:18,418
Maybe you're
a better actor than I thought.
478
00:20:20,759 --> 00:20:24,491
Would you say Sinatra-level?
479
00:20:25,230 --> 00:20:27,961
You are shameless.
480
00:20:28,033 --> 00:20:29,399
Yes, I am.
481
00:20:29,467 --> 00:20:30,958
I like it.
482
00:20:36,975 --> 00:20:37,975
♪ Hey ♪
483
00:20:41,746 --> 00:20:44,079
♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪
484
00:20:44,149 --> 00:20:46,641
♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪
485
00:20:46,718 --> 00:20:51,281
♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪
486
00:20:51,356 --> 00:20:53,689
♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪
487
00:20:53,758 --> 00:20:56,057
♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪
488
00:20:56,127 --> 00:21:00,656
♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪
489
00:21:04,002 --> 00:21:05,595
♪ Hey! ♪
34912
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