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1
00:00:04,713 --> 00:00:08,800
Before we move off this topic, can
I ask if you’re currently a hologram?
2
00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,427
Hold on. One sec.
3
00:00:11,553 --> 00:00:14,180
Left a bag of Funyuns
down there last week.
4
00:00:14,180 --> 00:00:17,016
Didn’t want to waste our time.
Okay, let’s do it. Therapy me.
5
00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:22,355
{\an8}- Do you need to take that?
- No. Just the President.
6
00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:25,817
- Maybe we should turn off the phone.
- President of the United States.
7
00:00:25,817 --> 00:00:26,943
Thought you might think that was cool.
8
00:00:26,943 --> 00:00:28,903
You like it when people
think you’re cool?
9
00:00:28,903 --> 00:00:30,280
You’re extra analytical today.
10
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:33,616
- Looking to remodel your kitchen?
- Sanchez! I know you’re in there!
11
00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:37,162
When I call you directly
it’s an emergency.
12
00:00:37,162 --> 00:00:39,330
I was in therapy.
Don’t stigmatize mental health.
13
00:00:39,330 --> 00:00:41,166
How rude of me. Hello,
14
00:00:41,166 --> 00:00:43,585
- I’m President Andre Curtis.
- Yes, I recognize you.
15
00:00:43,585 --> 00:00:44,794
Oh? How nice.
16
00:00:44,794 --> 00:00:47,714
It’s not nice to recognize a president,
can we go?
17
00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:53,762
In 1961, the CIA secretly relocated
the Loch Ness Monster to Lake Erie
18
00:00:53,762 --> 00:00:55,638
and replaced her bones with titanium.
19
00:00:55,638 --> 00:00:57,849
She was then bit by several werewolves,
20
00:00:57,849 --> 00:00:59,934
giving us the ultimate
anti-submarine weapon.
21
00:00:59,934 --> 00:01:00,769
Got it.
22
00:01:00,769 --> 00:01:02,645
But the Soviets smuggled
in a leprechaun,
23
00:01:02,645 --> 00:01:06,566
who turned Nessie’s bones to silver,
giving her the were-version of AIDS.
24
00:01:06,566 --> 00:01:08,860
She sank to the bottom
and we assumed she was dead.
25
00:01:08,860 --> 00:01:12,447
But she was only asleep.
Now she’s awake... and hungry.
26
00:01:12,447 --> 00:01:13,531
You can’t date my shrink.
27
00:01:13,948 --> 00:01:16,826
- What? Bro, you’re nuts.
- Then don’t date my shrink.
28
00:01:17,327 --> 00:01:18,661
I’m not dating your shrink!
29
00:01:19,704 --> 00:01:21,122
She probably doesn’t even like me.
30
00:01:21,539 --> 00:01:23,625
- Stand down, Sanchez!
- Tell him to stand down!
31
00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:26,294
- Would you let him bang your therapist?
- I don’t believe in therapy!
32
00:01:26,836 --> 00:01:29,506
What the hell does that even mean,
you don’t believe in it?
33
00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:31,508
- He’s a scientologist.
- Don’t date my shrink!
34
00:01:31,508 --> 00:01:33,551
- And don’t be a Space Mormon!
- Why not?
35
00:01:33,551 --> 00:01:34,552
It’s silly!
36
00:01:35,053 --> 00:01:36,471
Sorry, it’s a cheap shot.
37
00:01:36,971 --> 00:01:37,889
Worship how you want.
38
00:01:39,098 --> 00:01:40,809
- I like Tom Cruise.
- Thank you.
39
00:01:41,267 --> 00:01:43,019
- Therapy’s working.
- Keep it in your pants.
40
00:02:17,011 --> 00:02:19,722
Welcome back to Mr. Stabby!
41
00:02:20,139 --> 00:02:22,058
Let’s get another question
from the audience!
42
00:02:24,018 --> 00:02:26,104
Why do people
get tickets to his tapings?
43
00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:27,522
{\an8}It’s a fame-obsessed culture.
44
00:02:29,315 --> 00:02:31,234
{\an8}- Mr. President.
- I’ve got an emergency, Rick.
45
00:02:31,234 --> 00:02:32,694
{\an8}Another President mission?
46
00:02:32,694 --> 00:02:34,779
{\an8}You just killed
the Loch Ness Monster for him.
47
00:02:34,779 --> 00:02:37,198
{\an8}-Tell that little bitch to zip it.
- You can’t talk to me like that!
48
00:02:37,198 --> 00:02:39,075
{\an8}Tell him he can’t talk
to me like that...
49
00:02:39,075 --> 00:02:40,577
{\an8}- You can’t talk to Morty like that.
- Whatever.
50
00:02:40,577 --> 00:02:41,619
{\an8}I’ll portal over.
51
00:02:42,495 --> 00:02:44,622
{\an8}I’ve seen this one anyway.
The audience dies.
52
00:02:47,792 --> 00:02:48,877
{\an8}Rick, thanks for coming.
53
00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:51,129
{\an8}We’ve got a situation
in the state of Virginia.
54
00:02:51,129 --> 00:02:52,755
{\an8}- Bigfoot.
- That’s Montana.
55
00:02:52,755 --> 00:02:55,049
{\an8}- Nazis.
- That’s... everywhere.
56
00:02:55,049 --> 00:02:56,259
{\an8}That’s an exaggeration, sir.
57
00:02:57,051 --> 00:02:58,720
{\an8}Jesus, Carl, you too?
58
00:02:59,137 --> 00:03:01,639
{\an8}The problem in Virginia is... love.
59
00:03:02,098 --> 00:03:04,434
{\an8}You’ve heard the state motto,
"Virginia is for Lovers"?
60
00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:06,519
{\an8}Well, now they’ve codified it into law.
61
00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:10,481
{\an8}Virginia has declared itself
literally and exclusively for lovers.
62
00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:12,734
{\an8}- Sounds boring.
- It gets worse.
63
00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:16,321
{\an8}There’s no crime, no poverty,
and suspiciously, no complaints.
64
00:03:16,321 --> 00:03:19,449
The governor just hit
a hundred percent roval rating.
65
00:03:19,449 --> 00:03:21,784
{\an8}- And that’s worse?
- A hundred percent?
66
00:03:21,784 --> 00:03:23,077
{\an8}Get on the web, Dwayne,
67
00:03:23,077 --> 00:03:25,121
{\an8}there’s no such thing
as a hundred percent of anything.
68
00:03:25,538 --> 00:03:27,999
{\an8}America knows and incinerates
a cult when it sees one.
69
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:32,086
{\an8}But I can’t do that to all of Virginia,
so we need to infiltrate.
70
00:03:32,086 --> 00:03:34,172
{\an8}I volunteer to do acid
to prove I’m not a cop.
71
00:03:34,172 --> 00:03:35,340
{\an8}No lone wolves.
72
00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:38,301
{\an8}We need a crack team for this one.
Rick, meet Fleeflak.
73
00:03:38,843 --> 00:03:40,970
{\an8}- He might be able to tell the future.
- Might?
74
00:03:40,970 --> 00:03:43,640
{\an8}We’re waiting to find out.
Onyx here is a weapons specialist,
75
00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:46,684
{\an8}and our eye in the sky’s
my chief of staff bot, Chi-Chi.
76
00:03:46,684 --> 00:03:48,686
{\an8}- Sleek.
- Yes, an excellent team.
77
00:03:49,228 --> 00:03:50,647
{\an8}But there’s something missing...
78
00:03:51,564 --> 00:03:54,067
{\an8}- A psychology expert, perhaps.
- Fuck me!
79
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:56,861
{\an8}You pretended to need a crack team
so you could get Wong’s number?
80
00:03:56,861 --> 00:03:57,987
{\an8}Get her number?
81
00:03:57,987 --> 00:04:01,074
{\an8}I own the CIA,
if I wanted I could get her genome .
82
00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:03,743
{\an8}So you wanted what from me, permission?
You got it.
83
00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:05,912
{\an8}It’s a free country,
so you’re always saying.
84
00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:07,664
{\an8}That’s certainly
all I’d be willing to pay.
85
00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:09,666
{\an8}You’re making me choose?
You or her?
86
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:13,294
There’s three billion women on this
planet that have nothing to do with me.
87
00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:15,505
- Can you blame them?
- You suck.
88
00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:20,009
- Wait! Danger!
- Wow that’s great, buddy.
89
00:04:20,009 --> 00:04:21,803
It’s goin’ right on the fridge.
90
00:04:26,641 --> 00:04:29,727
I appreciate your lending your expertise
to this mission, Doctor Wong.
91
00:04:30,186 --> 00:04:31,354
- Gun?
- No thank you.
92
00:04:31,813 --> 00:04:34,732
I was surprised to receive your call,
but excited.
93
00:04:34,732 --> 00:04:37,026
I haven’t done field
work since grad school.
94
00:04:37,026 --> 00:04:41,030
We think the people of Virginia
have become some kind of hippy sex cult.
95
00:04:41,030 --> 00:04:43,199
I haven’t done that since
grad school either.
96
00:04:44,158 --> 00:04:46,744
Doctor Wong, you are a firecracker!
97
00:04:46,744 --> 00:04:47,996
Sir, we’ve reached the border.
98
00:04:48,705 --> 00:04:49,622
Halt!
99
00:04:51,207 --> 00:04:54,627
I’m so sorry, Mr. President,
Virginia is closed to visitors.
100
00:04:54,627 --> 00:04:55,962
I thought it was for lovers.
101
00:04:56,337 --> 00:04:57,922
I’m a lover.
You guys lovers?
102
00:04:58,798 --> 00:05:00,049
I appreciate that,
103
00:05:00,049 --> 00:05:03,886
but the rest of your country
doesn’t need Virginia’s love right now.
104
00:05:03,886 --> 00:05:06,431
You know, the last time
a state talked that way,
105
00:05:06,431 --> 00:05:09,058
- we had to have a whole thing.
- And?
106
00:05:09,642 --> 00:05:12,145
And this time
the other side has nukes.
107
00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:14,897
Let them in.
108
00:05:16,315 --> 00:05:18,443
- Well done, Doctor.
- Call me Helen.
109
00:05:25,241 --> 00:05:28,703
As you can see,
Virginia has no crime, no poverty.
110
00:05:28,703 --> 00:05:31,289
- All goods are freely given.
- Communist bastards.
111
00:05:31,289 --> 00:05:34,751
- And all goods are freely made.
- Communist bastards!
112
00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:36,753
So what happened? Tell me the secret.
113
00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:38,838
Well, if I tell you,
you’ll tell everyone.
114
00:05:39,464 --> 00:05:41,924
But if I show you, you won’t have to.
115
00:05:41,924 --> 00:05:43,718
How unsettling and cryptic of...
116
00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:49,640
My God, so that’s it?
117
00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:50,683
You’re all just drunk?
118
00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:54,645
Sir! It’s some kind
of body snatching hive-mind!
119
00:05:54,645 --> 00:05:56,439
Finally your religion comes in handy!
120
00:05:56,814 --> 00:05:59,192
No!
My only chance at meeting Will Smith!
121
00:06:05,323 --> 00:06:08,785
Pick up your phone, asshole,
when I call it’s an actual emergency!
122
00:06:10,661 --> 00:06:11,579
Rick?
123
00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:14,957
- Unity.
- Take it easy, take it easy...
124
00:06:14,957 --> 00:06:17,960
I can explain,
just let me get things under control.
125
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:19,796
You controlling things
is the explanation
126
00:06:19,796 --> 00:06:21,839
and we agreed you wouldn’t
do it where I work.
127
00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:25,384
The fuck are you spraying me with?
128
00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:27,887
A new scent I picked up after you left.
129
00:06:27,887 --> 00:06:31,849
- I call it "Separation."
- You concocted a me repellent?
130
00:06:31,849 --> 00:06:33,601
Does that look like a bad idea?
131
00:06:35,311 --> 00:06:38,773
Rick, are you in a relationship
with the population of Virginia?
132
00:06:38,773 --> 00:06:39,774
We dated.
133
00:06:42,735 --> 00:06:44,195
I just want to talk.
134
00:06:44,195 --> 00:06:46,155
I’m pretty sure
you have trillions of cell phones.
135
00:06:46,781 --> 00:06:48,157
No, come back, let’s talk!
136
00:06:52,703 --> 00:06:54,455
Thank god you had a crack team with you.
137
00:06:54,455 --> 00:06:55,957
- Where’s Helen?
-"Helen?"
138
00:06:55,957 --> 00:06:57,208
She initiated first name...
139
00:06:59,585 --> 00:07:01,295
Call in a chopper!
I’m being cock blocked!
140
00:07:02,672 --> 00:07:04,841
Rick! It’s me.
141
00:07:05,299 --> 00:07:06,843
I was released from Unity.
142
00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:08,845
Cool, so you won’t mind if I spray this.
143
00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:12,807
Wel... I won’t, but we’re surrounded
and Unity knows your reload time.
144
00:07:13,474 --> 00:07:15,852
I really believe
you and Unity should talk.
145
00:07:16,227 --> 00:07:18,521
How would you know?
You’re just a nutritionist.
146
00:07:18,521 --> 00:07:22,191
When you work in nutritionism as long
as I have, you get a certain feel...
147
00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:29,949
Calm down.
We came because we’re worried about you.
148
00:07:30,449 --> 00:07:32,785
- Why?
- We hear things, Rick.
149
00:07:32,785 --> 00:07:35,830
I tried calling but...
is it true you’re looking for...
150
00:07:36,330 --> 00:07:37,373
him again?
151
00:07:37,707 --> 00:07:39,333
You almost died last time.
152
00:07:39,333 --> 00:07:41,961
- That’s none of your business.
- You’re our business.
153
00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:44,505
You quit that business!
And you’re fired from that business!
154
00:07:44,505 --> 00:07:46,007
And I’m using your last paycheck
155
00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:48,176
to cover the stapler you stole which
was my heart!
156
00:07:49,594 --> 00:07:50,720
Civil War, baby!
157
00:07:53,848 --> 00:07:55,725
Sorry.
That was supposed to be suppressive.
158
00:07:58,352 --> 00:07:59,812
Rick, wait!
159
00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:04,233
- Thank you, Andre.
- Thank you, Helen.
160
00:08:04,609 --> 00:08:06,527
It’s time to put these bastards on ice.
161
00:08:07,445 --> 00:08:08,988
- Cue up the dome!
- Yes sir!
162
00:08:31,719 --> 00:08:33,930
Do you have a dome
the size of every state?
163
00:08:35,681 --> 00:08:37,642
You’ll need a second date
for that answer.
164
00:08:37,642 --> 00:08:38,601
Barf.
165
00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:43,272
A nation in turmoil tonight
as the entire state of Virginia
166
00:08:43,272 --> 00:08:45,733
continues to be trapped
inside an energy dome.
167
00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:48,236
The White House released
a statement dismissing
168
00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:50,947
the President’s shouts of
"Civil War, baby."
169
00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:53,533
as hyperbole.
Shonda, what do we make of that?
170
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:57,036
- More like Hyper Bully, Tom.
- Shit. Shonda came to play.
171
00:08:57,036 --> 00:09:00,539
This President has been in office
for how many alien invasions?
172
00:09:00,539 --> 00:09:02,041
Not to mention the mutant turkeys,
173
00:09:02,041 --> 00:09:03,960
the abandoned White House
orbiting our planet,
174
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,544
the eco-conscious dinosaurs...
175
00:09:05,544 --> 00:09:06,671
Then he sees Virginia
176
00:09:06,671 --> 00:09:09,257
with its perfect economy
and synchronized lawn mowing,
177
00:09:09,257 --> 00:09:12,301
so he shoots them
and puts them in a dome?
178
00:09:12,301 --> 00:09:14,470
- Classic Curtis.
- Will someone mute the god damn news?
179
00:09:14,845 --> 00:09:16,973
If I want a list of my failures,
I’d dig up my mother.
180
00:09:18,057 --> 00:09:19,976
I’m... sorry, that’s a turn off, right?
181
00:09:19,976 --> 00:09:21,811
Guy screaming about
his mother in a war room?
182
00:09:22,270 --> 00:09:25,606
Sanchez! America hates your dome!
How long is it going to be up?
183
00:09:25,606 --> 00:09:27,692
Hope you marked that.
It was his dome in the chopper.
184
00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:30,987
Now it's mine. It will contain that
part of Unity until I shut it down,
185
00:09:30,987 --> 00:09:34,282
because... one of us here,
Knows how to set boundaries.
186
00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:37,493
Rick, I agree that my accepting
this mission was inappropriate,
187
00:09:37,493 --> 00:09:40,371
- when I was invited, I didn’t know...
- That he was hitting on you?
188
00:09:40,746 --> 00:09:43,499
I was aware of potential
romantic motivations.
189
00:09:43,499 --> 00:09:44,792
And I was open to them.
190
00:09:45,376 --> 00:09:48,254
But I did not know you
and I would be crossing paths.
191
00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:50,006
You mean you didn't care.
Because on one hand,
192
00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:51,173
you got professional ethics,
193
00:09:51,173 --> 00:09:53,092
and in the other hand
you got world-famous schlong.
194
00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:55,177
- Now I get to beat you.
- Bring it...
195
00:09:55,177 --> 00:09:57,596
Alien vessel approaching Earth!
It’s hailing us!
196
00:09:57,596 --> 00:09:59,223
- Put it through.
- I don’t work for you.
197
00:09:59,223 --> 00:10:01,017
You couldn’t, you suck.
I’ll do it.
198
00:10:02,226 --> 00:10:03,269
Mr. President.
199
00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:05,187
Lady, you bring that ship
to America’s planet,
200
00:10:05,187 --> 00:10:06,981
I’m launching four thousand warheads.
201
00:10:06,981 --> 00:10:08,858
Three thousand
of which will turn out to work.
202
00:10:09,233 --> 00:10:11,736
Then I’ll call China
and you’re really fucked.
203
00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:13,112
Let’s listen to Unity.
204
00:10:13,112 --> 00:10:14,613
- Are you still here?
- Are you?
205
00:10:14,613 --> 00:10:16,699
If I wanted Earth,
I would have taken it.
206
00:10:16,699 --> 00:10:17,658
- Bullshit.
- Gimme a break.
207
00:10:17,658 --> 00:10:20,369
You cut eight million pieces of me off.
It hurt.
208
00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:23,080
You’ve made it clear
we can’t be friends, Rick,
209
00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:26,542
but I need to reconnect those people
so I can properly release them.
210
00:10:26,917 --> 00:10:30,046
They’re hosting a mindless collective,
if it connects to another mind,
211
00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:33,257
- it could become its own colony.
- You made a Powerpoint?
212
00:10:33,257 --> 00:10:35,718
I needed you to understand
how serious this is.
213
00:10:35,718 --> 00:10:38,137
- I can handle it.
- We got the spray, bitch!
214
00:10:38,137 --> 00:10:39,555
Don’t talk to them like that.
215
00:10:39,555 --> 00:10:42,058
- Rick, do you not trust Unity?
- Shut up.
216
00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:43,434
- Apologize.
- Eat me.
217
00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:45,394
- Do you not trust me, Rick?
- Who would?
218
00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:46,896
Let Rick answer.
219
00:10:46,896 --> 00:10:48,898
- Baby, I know you want to help, but...
- ...Andre.
220
00:10:49,231 --> 00:10:51,400
- I think we need to move slower.
- Slower?
221
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,736
I haven’t even touched you and
you’re already back seat war rooming.
222
00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:54,820
- Andre.
- Helen.
223
00:10:54,820 --> 00:10:56,405
- Rick?
- I don’t trust you.
224
00:10:56,405 --> 00:10:58,407
You ghosted me to focus on your work.
225
00:10:58,407 --> 00:11:00,242
Your work is absorbing the universe.
226
00:11:00,242 --> 00:11:02,453
But it’s my universe. Please go.
227
00:11:02,453 --> 00:11:04,747
We’ll spray the Virginians
before they touch anyone.
228
00:11:04,747 --> 00:11:06,248
I’m sorry you lost a finger,
229
00:11:06,248 --> 00:11:08,876
but that’s the price
of surprise butt play. Goodbye.
230
00:11:09,418 --> 00:11:10,294
Goodbye.
231
00:11:10,961 --> 00:11:12,254
Alien vessel is departing.
232
00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:13,798
Good job, people,
233
00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:15,883
I’ll run the aerosol cannon
from the chopper,
234
00:11:15,883 --> 00:11:18,219
we need the optics.
Send out a press release.
235
00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:20,388
"President sprays Virginia
with the opposite of bullets."
236
00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:21,931
Write it better than that.
237
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:24,517
You riding shotgun
or you staying butt hurt?
238
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:26,811
Suck my dick and lose my number.
You too.
239
00:11:26,811 --> 00:11:29,313
If you invite me to the wedding
I will shit in the punch.
240
00:11:32,066 --> 00:11:34,276
He’ll be back.
What would you like for dinner?
241
00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:36,529
I’m not interested
in taking this further.
242
00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:40,950
What? Why? That’s insane.
How can you be a therapist and insane?
243
00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:42,660
Since you’re asking for feedback,
244
00:11:42,660 --> 00:11:46,330
my sincere advice is that you overcome
your need for approval.
245
00:11:46,789 --> 00:11:48,290
Okay, you want to play it that way?
246
00:11:48,290 --> 00:11:50,126
There’s an exit tunnel
by the ladies room.
247
00:11:51,168 --> 00:11:52,253
It gets lots of use!
248
00:11:52,837 --> 00:11:54,213
And not just by sex workers!
249
00:11:55,172 --> 00:11:57,466
Can you at least tell security
I did the dumping?
250
00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:03,347
- You okay?
- Yes.
251
00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:06,392
The news said Virginia
was a hive... mind.
252
00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:07,393
Yes.
253
00:12:07,726 --> 00:12:08,644
- Was it...
- Yes.
254
00:12:08,644 --> 00:12:10,146
My god, dude, whatever,
255
00:12:10,146 --> 00:12:11,605
when’s the last time
you saw your therapist...
256
00:12:11,605 --> 00:12:13,399
- Today.
- Well, then she sucks!
257
00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:15,484
- No Shit!
- Well stop yelling at me!
258
00:12:15,484 --> 00:12:18,487
- I need boundaries!
- Well here's a big one, fuck face!
259
00:12:21,073 --> 00:12:21,991
Sorry.
260
00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:28,789
Arriving at the dome, sir.
261
00:12:28,789 --> 00:12:30,040
Good! I don’t need anybody!
262
00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:32,334
- What?
- What? I said good!
263
00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:33,461
Tell me when we’re there!
264
00:12:33,461 --> 00:12:34,962
- We are!
- Roger that!
265
00:12:34,962 --> 00:12:36,505
Just gonna see how we’re looking!
266
00:12:36,922 --> 00:12:39,425
And there’s Helicopter One
with the forementioned gas,
267
00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:41,760
and you can actually
see President Curtis inside,
268
00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:44,680
checking his phone to see
if this will make people like him.
269
00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:48,184
There he is frowning now, of course,
as he realizes no amount of spectacle
270
00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:50,394
is going to undo his last debacle.
Shonda?
271
00:12:50,978 --> 00:12:52,813
Not Shonda, she hates me.
272
00:12:52,813 --> 00:12:54,648
It’s true, Tom, I mean, yes,
273
00:12:54,648 --> 00:12:58,694
President Curtis is going to release
Virginia from yet another alien threat,
274
00:12:58,694 --> 00:13:00,946
but when they
are free to speak their minds,
275
00:13:00,946 --> 00:13:03,657
{\an8}does he really think they’re
going to say "What a President?"
276
00:13:03,657 --> 00:13:05,034
Deactivating dome, sir!
277
00:13:05,034 --> 00:13:08,662
The fact is, nothing short of literally
a one hundred percent approval rating
278
00:13:08,662 --> 00:13:10,414
is gonna save Curtis
in the next election.
279
00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:13,542
Let her rip, sir!
280
00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:16,170
One hundred percent approval.
281
00:13:18,964 --> 00:13:20,883
Whoopsie! I’ll be right back!
282
00:13:20,883 --> 00:13:22,718
- Sir!
- I just gotta get the thing...
283
00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:24,553
How is that going to work?
284
00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:29,225
Give it to me. Give me that hive!
285
00:13:34,188 --> 00:13:36,023
Mother forgive me.
Just forgive me. I need it.
286
00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:46,116
- Holy....Shit!
- Shit!
287
00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:51,121
Loved ones are gathered
here to reunite with the captives,
288
00:13:51,121 --> 00:13:53,874
who appear to walking,
quite eagerly, and now running,
289
00:13:53,874 --> 00:13:57,670
in perfect unison, toward them, such
a beautiful scene, everyone kissing.
290
00:13:57,670 --> 00:14:00,256
And now everyone that got kisses
is kissing everyone else.
291
00:14:00,589 --> 00:14:02,591
Heartfelt, almost disgusting kisses,
292
00:14:02,591 --> 00:14:06,053
the wave of affection is headed in all
directions, hello, sir...
293
00:14:07,179 --> 00:14:09,181
The President has saved us.
He’s the best President,
294
00:14:09,181 --> 00:14:11,183
the best man, really, ever,
his mother was wrong.
295
00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:13,602
Did somebody close the lady tunnel?
296
00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:22,570
- Hey, Rick, was Unity -
- She’s gone and I don’t care!
297
00:14:23,571 --> 00:14:24,488
I think she’s back.
298
00:14:27,074 --> 00:14:28,617
Someone order cranky dick?
299
00:14:28,617 --> 00:14:30,286
- I said I was sorry.
- No you didn’t.
300
00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:31,662
I said it quietly, shut up.
301
00:14:31,662 --> 00:14:35,457
{\an8}Now Governor, can you explain why all
of Virginia ran in all directions and
302
00:14:35,457 --> 00:14:36,792
puked on everyone in the country?
303
00:14:36,792 --> 00:14:40,087
It’s simple, News Man.
They puke in love of President.
304
00:14:40,087 --> 00:14:42,423
We approve of the President.
Everyone does.
305
00:14:43,257 --> 00:14:46,135
Sorry, Governor but you’re making
me bring Shonda into this.
306
00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:47,636
Thanks, Tom. Governor,
307
00:14:47,636 --> 00:14:50,973
I can assure you that no matter
how you personally may feel...
308
00:14:52,891 --> 00:14:55,603
Good president.
President good good good.
309
00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:57,688
Are you okay?
Josh just vomited into your mou...
310
00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:02,693
I get it now.
What a President!
311
00:15:02,693 --> 00:15:04,737
- Approval here!
- President approved!
312
00:15:05,112 --> 00:15:06,864
I thought Unity promised
to never do this.
313
00:15:06,864 --> 00:15:07,990
That’s not Unity.
314
00:15:07,990 --> 00:15:10,576
- You kids stay inside and lock up.
- Dad’s still out shopping.
315
00:15:10,576 --> 00:15:12,745
Then stay inside,
lock up and plug your ears.
316
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:13,746
Where are you going?
317
00:15:14,455 --> 00:15:15,372
Therapy.
318
00:15:16,206 --> 00:15:17,249
Thank God.
319
00:15:34,933 --> 00:15:35,851
You’re rehired.
320
00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:38,812
- Is that Unity?
- It’s your boyfriend.
321
00:15:38,812 --> 00:15:40,522
He must have linked
with the severed hive-mind.
322
00:15:40,898 --> 00:15:43,233
He’s going to assimilate
the earth faster than I can fight it.
323
00:15:43,233 --> 00:15:45,736
- And you want me to talk to him.
- There’s no talking to him.
324
00:15:45,736 --> 00:15:49,031
No human mind can keep itself together
while controlling millions of people.
325
00:15:49,031 --> 00:15:51,533
- So where are we going?
- I need Unity’s help.
326
00:15:51,533 --> 00:15:53,202
So you need
to convince her I’m worth it.
327
00:15:53,577 --> 00:15:54,870
- You aren’t.
- So lie.
328
00:15:58,332 --> 00:15:59,958
Inbound vessel detected.
329
00:16:00,292 --> 00:16:02,461
- Tell him to turn around.
- Tell me in person.
330
00:16:02,461 --> 00:16:04,004
- I’m already here.
- God damnit.
331
00:16:04,004 --> 00:16:06,382
- But your ship was just...
- You have your gimmicks, I have mine.
332
00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:08,425
This is my therapist,
she can vouch for me.
333
00:16:08,425 --> 00:16:11,345
We met. She was me for a second.
What do you want, Rick?
334
00:16:11,345 --> 00:16:13,055
Look, it’s clear you weren’t lying
335
00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:14,431
when you said you
could’ve taken over Earth
336
00:16:14,431 --> 00:16:16,558
because your finger
just took over America.
337
00:16:16,558 --> 00:16:18,143
I need you to help me fix that.
338
00:16:18,143 --> 00:16:21,355
- It took that to make you believe me?
- Why should I believe you?
339
00:16:21,355 --> 00:16:23,607
You show up unannounced
and hijack a state.
340
00:16:23,607 --> 00:16:26,402
I called you! Multiple times!
341
00:16:26,402 --> 00:16:27,945
You ghosted me.
342
00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:29,405
Rick, is that true?
343
00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:31,365
She dumped me,
why would I answer her calls?
344
00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:35,077
Alright, I’m gonna commit a cardinal
sin in couple’s therapy here, but Rick,
345
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:38,122
- I think you’re wrong.
- Bringing you was a mistake.
346
00:16:38,497 --> 00:16:41,375
You had an outer space lady
who was worried for your life
347
00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:44,545
and your response was hostile
enough to cause a huge problem.
348
00:16:44,878 --> 00:16:45,629
Thank you.
349
00:16:45,629 --> 00:16:48,757
Now you’re asking her
to both forgive you and solve it?
350
00:16:49,216 --> 00:16:51,760
Unity, I think the reason Rick
brought me here is
351
00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:54,722
that he doesn’t know how
to indicate to you he’s changed,
352
00:16:55,055 --> 00:16:57,474
because he’s changing very slowly.
353
00:16:57,474 --> 00:16:58,642
But he is.
354
00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:01,770
Alright,
anyone else wanna call me a baby?
355
00:17:01,770 --> 00:17:04,606
Maybe we can drag this out until
Earth is fully assimilated?
356
00:17:05,607 --> 00:17:08,193
Alright,
so you’re asking for an invasion.
357
00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:48,150
Hold ‘em back!
They love me, they just forgot!
358
00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:50,486
They just forgot! They just forgot!
359
00:17:53,989 --> 00:17:55,783
No! Stop!
You love me!
360
00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:58,160
Why’re you stopping?
361
00:17:58,660 --> 00:17:59,661
I’ve won you over?
362
00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:04,583
Good! You’re here!
363
00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:06,668
Unity, kept them warm for you.
364
00:18:07,002 --> 00:18:10,839
They went a little crazy but,
anyway, seems like this is all over.
365
00:18:11,215 --> 00:18:12,716
Helen, we could grab some coffee?
366
00:18:13,050 --> 00:18:14,384
Wait Unity, what are you doing?
367
00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:17,638
Alright, Rick, that’s everyone.
368
00:18:18,180 --> 00:18:19,223
Nice job, Une.
369
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:22,351
Well. This has been quite a session.
370
00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:24,228
Hope you do group discounts.
371
00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:27,064
Actually, just send
the bill to the White House.
372
00:18:28,607 --> 00:18:30,859
I wouldn’t be doing this
for anyone else, Rick.
373
00:18:30,859 --> 00:18:32,528
It was nice to team up again.
374
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:35,114
No, I mean I wouldn’t be doing it.
375
00:18:35,447 --> 00:18:38,200
I’ve never released
hundreds of millions of people before.
376
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:39,368
This is gonna suck.
377
00:19:17,531 --> 00:19:19,950
Here... it’s over.
Nice job, Une.
378
00:19:20,492 --> 00:19:21,785
I’m fine.
379
00:19:21,785 --> 00:19:22,870
You want a painkiller?
380
00:19:23,495 --> 00:19:25,622
I’m on a few of them right now.
381
00:19:26,164 --> 00:19:27,165
No thank you.
382
00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:29,167
I mean, you can hang out if you want,
383
00:19:30,085 --> 00:19:31,003
come see the kids,
384
00:19:32,629 --> 00:19:33,964
I trust you now.
385
00:19:34,381 --> 00:19:36,300
That’s nice but I don’t trust you.
386
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:38,927
Fair enough.
387
00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:00,616
Hey Rick, it’s Unity.
388
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:03,118
Give me a call, okay?
389
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:06,538
Hey Rick, Unity.
Look, cards on the table,
390
00:20:06,538 --> 00:20:08,415
I heard you were
going after that guy again.
391
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,584
Just made me worried, give me a call.
392
00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:13,712
Look I get it, I dumped you,
you’re ignoring me.
393
00:20:14,087 --> 00:20:17,466
But, I care about you and
I just wanna know you’re alright.
394
00:20:18,258 --> 00:20:21,303
Hey Rick, listen I’m just
gonna stop by Virginia, okay?
395
00:20:21,678 --> 00:20:23,221
I don’t know what state you live in
396
00:20:23,221 --> 00:20:25,641
but I’ll camp out there
and try to reach you.
397
00:20:25,641 --> 00:20:26,642
Hope you’re okay.
398
00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:29,019
Hey, Rick. David Miscavige here.
399
00:20:29,019 --> 00:20:31,980
Heard you were saying some really
great things about Scientology.
400
00:20:31,980 --> 00:20:33,982
- If you ever wanna meet Travolta...
- And playback.
401
00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:41,490
You uh,
really went all in on that approval?
402
00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:46,745
Shonda’s gonna eat me alive.
403
00:20:46,745 --> 00:20:48,914
- Fuck em.
- Thanks, Rick.
404
00:20:51,375 --> 00:20:56,129
Don’t take this the wrong way,
but I think I might need therapy.
405
00:21:34,376 --> 00:21:36,086
And we’re back with Mr Stabby.
406
00:21:36,586 --> 00:21:39,381
What do you say to people who say,
"I don’t want to get stabbed.
407
00:21:39,381 --> 00:21:40,590
I want to go a show,
408
00:21:40,590 --> 00:21:42,718
I have a right to not get stabbed."
409
00:21:42,718 --> 00:21:45,303
Well, Gary,
I have a right to arms and legs.
410
00:21:45,303 --> 00:21:46,888
But I wasn’t born with those.
411
00:21:46,888 --> 00:21:48,515
And I don’t think that means
I should be
412
00:21:48,515 --> 00:21:50,851
boxed out of an industry where,
let’s face
413
00:21:50,851 --> 00:21:54,813
it, there’s zero representation
of people with swords for arms and legs.
414
00:21:54,813 --> 00:21:57,357
But do you have to take questions
from the audience?
415
00:21:57,357 --> 00:22:00,402
People come to my show
because they want the experience.
416
00:22:00,402 --> 00:22:02,154
If they didn’t want it,
they’d stop coming.
417
00:22:02,154 --> 00:22:06,074
Your show has resulted
in the deaths of 58,000 attendees.
418
00:22:07,659 --> 00:22:09,578
Well, you’re talking about it.
34911
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