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1
00:00:02,836 --> 00:00:04,505
Hey, Dad.
2
00:00:06,939 --> 00:00:09,710
How's it going, Mom?
3
00:00:11,945 --> 00:00:13,381
Howdy.
4
00:00:13,414 --> 00:00:14,648
Three days
and counting.
5
00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:16,050
Too bad
he doesn't have someone
6
00:00:16,084 --> 00:00:17,918
covering the hole
on the other side.
7
00:00:17,951 --> 00:00:21,289
♪ Life is unfair.
8
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:28,162
This is The Crystal Ship.
9
00:00:28,196 --> 00:00:30,531
It's our high school
literary magazine.
10
00:00:30,564 --> 00:00:32,100
Nobody reads it
because it's written
11
00:00:32,133 --> 00:00:34,001
by high school kids
trying to be deep.
12
00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:35,403
And the editor is just some guy
13
00:00:35,436 --> 00:00:37,238
who wants to pad
his college application.
14
00:00:37,271 --> 00:00:38,772
This month, it's me.
15
00:00:38,806 --> 00:00:40,941
Did you get...
16
00:00:40,974 --> 00:00:43,344
"The Mysterious... Forest"?
17
00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:44,778
Yes, Stevie.
I got your drawing.
18
00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:46,547
Is it... in?
19
00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:47,781
Yes. I told you.
20
00:00:47,815 --> 00:00:49,350
Nothing gets rejected.
21
00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:51,385
It doesn't matter
how self-indulgent
22
00:00:51,419 --> 00:00:54,088
or boring or childish
or stupid or painful it is.
23
00:00:54,122 --> 00:00:55,956
If it can be
stapled, it's in.
24
00:00:56,624 --> 00:00:57,391
And why do you care?
25
00:00:57,425 --> 00:00:59,927
Our advisor
doesn't even care.
26
00:01:01,995 --> 00:01:04,232
I have to go.
27
00:01:04,265 --> 00:01:05,399
Um, I need to help
28
00:01:05,433 --> 00:01:08,469
Principal Block with...
something.
29
00:01:11,805 --> 00:01:13,474
Ronnie and I have
30
00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:15,909
written stories that
we want to submit.
31
00:01:15,943 --> 00:01:17,445
We demand
that you embrace
32
00:01:17,478 --> 00:01:19,247
our vibrant
female voices.
33
00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:22,416
So you better print them, okay?
34
00:01:22,450 --> 00:01:23,951
Okay. You got it.
35
00:01:27,788 --> 00:01:30,691
You are going to read
them first, aren't you?
36
00:01:31,659 --> 00:01:33,327
Yeah, okay.
37
00:01:36,164 --> 00:01:37,265
Oh, my God.
38
00:01:37,298 --> 00:01:39,233
It's been so long,
39
00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:40,334
I didn't think it was possible.
40
00:01:40,368 --> 00:01:43,304
This story is, uh...
41
00:01:43,337 --> 00:01:45,239
is...
42
00:01:45,273 --> 00:01:46,507
What's the word?
43
00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:47,675
Good?
44
00:01:47,708 --> 00:01:49,343
Yes! Ronnie, your story
45
00:01:49,377 --> 00:01:50,344
is fantastic!
46
00:01:50,378 --> 00:01:51,679
I love the ending!
47
00:01:51,712 --> 00:01:52,913
What about mine?
48
00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:54,448
"The Frog Who Was Too
Good for the World"?
49
00:01:54,482 --> 00:01:55,349
It's crap.
50
00:01:55,383 --> 00:01:58,118
Well, maybe
it was over your head.
51
00:01:58,152 --> 00:01:59,620
The frog is you,
the snake is your dad,
52
00:01:59,653 --> 00:02:01,589
and the moon is the dope
you like on the football team.
53
00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:03,157
Lewis is not a dope.
54
00:02:03,191 --> 00:02:04,792
"Car Crash"?
55
00:02:04,825 --> 00:02:06,427
Yeah. There's this
really pretty girl who,
56
00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:07,828
whenever she walks
down the street,
57
00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:08,996
guys yell filthy stuff
at her,
58
00:02:09,029 --> 00:02:10,497
so she trains herself
to ignore them.
59
00:02:10,531 --> 00:02:12,032
The "pretty" part's
not important.
60
00:02:12,065 --> 00:02:13,934
So, one day, after
she's trained herself,
61
00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:15,503
she's crossing the street,
62
00:02:15,536 --> 00:02:17,638
and this construction worker
yells out, "Hey, lady!"
63
00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:18,639
She doesn't
turn around,
64
00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:20,140
but he's really trying to
65
00:02:20,174 --> 00:02:21,642
warn her there's
a car coming.
66
00:02:21,675 --> 00:02:23,211
She ignores him, and she gets
67
00:02:23,244 --> 00:02:24,378
splattered all over
the pavement!
68
00:02:24,412 --> 00:02:26,214
Men...
69
00:02:26,247 --> 00:02:28,182
are pigs.
70
00:02:30,418 --> 00:02:31,785
Did you hear?
71
00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:32,720
The plant-watering lady
72
00:02:32,753 --> 00:02:34,154
is going to testify
before the S.E.C.
73
00:02:34,188 --> 00:02:36,023
My God! They're
going after everybody.
74
00:02:36,056 --> 00:02:38,158
And the new
supervisor starts today.
75
00:02:38,192 --> 00:02:40,328
She's only here
to make cuts and fire people.
76
00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:42,263
Lots of people.
77
00:02:43,096 --> 00:02:45,165
Oh, my God! Here she comes!
78
00:02:46,434 --> 00:02:48,101
Oh!
79
00:02:54,708 --> 00:02:56,210
Come on! Come on!
80
00:02:56,244 --> 00:02:57,378
Come on!
81
00:02:57,411 --> 00:02:58,512
Come on!
82
00:02:58,546 --> 00:03:00,013
Hal, right?
83
00:03:00,047 --> 00:03:01,515
Yes!
84
00:03:01,549 --> 00:03:02,850
Nell. We took an extra trip
85
00:03:02,883 --> 00:03:05,653
around the revolving doors
together this morning.
86
00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:07,187
Well, yeah...
Looks like you're
87
00:03:07,221 --> 00:03:09,089
the only one here
who doesn't run away from me.
88
00:03:09,122 --> 00:03:11,259
Well, you can't
run forever, eh?
89
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:16,096
Look, I know this whole
situation is awkward,
90
00:03:16,129 --> 00:03:18,031
but I'm going
to do my best
91
00:03:18,065 --> 00:03:20,234
to make everyone here
feel respected.
92
00:03:20,268 --> 00:03:21,869
Thank you, Nell.
93
00:03:21,902 --> 00:03:25,639
Especially the ones
with great-looking hands.
94
00:03:27,275 --> 00:03:29,743
She was touching me
exactly like this!
95
00:03:29,777 --> 00:03:32,380
She was practically drooling
over my sexy hands.
96
00:03:32,413 --> 00:03:33,681
And then, later this morning,
97
00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:35,516
she asked me if I thought
her butt was big.
98
00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:37,751
And it wasn't.
It was perfect!
99
00:03:37,785 --> 00:03:40,288
It wasn't an innocent request
for information, Lois.
100
00:03:40,321 --> 00:03:42,523
If your butt
was as perfect as hers,
101
00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:44,858
believe me, you'd know it!
102
00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:46,460
What am I going to do?
103
00:03:48,462 --> 00:03:49,863
Well, were you mean to her?
104
00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:51,932
No. Why?
105
00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:53,634
You don't want
to antagonize her.
106
00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:54,935
She's the new boss.
107
00:03:54,968 --> 00:03:56,236
She decides who comes
and who goes.
108
00:03:56,270 --> 00:03:58,572
What are you saying?
109
00:03:58,606 --> 00:04:00,741
I am saying
that it wouldn't hurt
110
00:04:00,774 --> 00:04:03,277
for you to be... nice.
111
00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:06,246
That's all. Hal, I'm not
asking you to do anything.
112
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:09,917
It's just if she
flirts with you again,
113
00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:12,486
just don't
burst her bubble.
114
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:13,754
Lois!
115
00:04:14,455 --> 00:04:16,123
Oh, all right!
116
00:04:16,156 --> 00:04:18,625
You can make me flirt
with this beautiful woman,
117
00:04:18,659 --> 00:04:20,293
but you can't make me like it.
118
00:04:20,327 --> 00:04:22,062
I can make you
do anything I want.
119
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:24,097
You're right.
120
00:04:24,131 --> 00:04:25,633
Go!
121
00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:31,805
Ow!
122
00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:32,806
You know why I beat you?
123
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,975
'Cause you outweigh me by,
like, 50 pounds?
124
00:04:35,008 --> 00:04:37,678
No. Because my mind
is stronger than yours.
125
00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:38,346
What?
126
00:04:38,379 --> 00:04:39,747
All your Matrix guys
127
00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:41,081
and your Yodas
128
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:43,016
and your Karate Kids
do what they do
129
00:04:43,050 --> 00:04:45,686
with their minds,
not their bodies.
130
00:04:45,719 --> 00:04:50,524
I beat you in here before
I ever beat you there.
131
00:04:50,558 --> 00:04:52,826
You're just messing
with me again.
132
00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:54,261
I don't believe you.
133
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:59,400
You're not sure if
you do or you don't.
134
00:05:00,401 --> 00:05:03,003
This is soil.
135
00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:04,705
Soil is alive.
136
00:05:04,738 --> 00:05:07,274
It is sensitive to the
rhythm of who you truly are.
137
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:09,543
This is a seed.
138
00:05:09,577 --> 00:05:12,980
Within it lies sleeping
the soul of a plant.
139
00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:14,782
Together, they
make a test.
140
00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:17,485
That was taught to Shaolin
ninjas millions of years ago.
141
00:05:17,518 --> 00:05:20,120
If you can keep
your hand like this
142
00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:22,723
until the seed sprouts,
then you will have developed
143
00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:24,224
the source of all power.
144
00:05:24,257 --> 00:05:25,325
If this is real,
145
00:05:25,359 --> 00:05:26,894
then why are you
teaching it to me?
146
00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:29,229
'Cause I'm a jerk,
and I know you'll fail.
147
00:05:30,263 --> 00:05:31,732
Or maybe...
148
00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:33,967
just once...
149
00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:38,038
I'm letting you in on the
secret of life itself.
150
00:05:41,041 --> 00:05:42,376
What's he doing out there?
151
00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:44,011
I put a rock
in his hand.
152
00:05:44,044 --> 00:05:46,113
He's trying to
make it grow.
153
00:05:47,247 --> 00:05:49,583
Oh, here you
are, Francis.
154
00:05:49,617 --> 00:05:50,484
What's this?
155
00:05:50,518 --> 00:05:52,520
An invitation
for you and Piama.
156
00:05:52,553 --> 00:05:56,023
Otto and I are celebrating
our 25th wedding anniversary!
157
00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:57,224
You're kidding.
That's great.
158
00:05:57,257 --> 00:05:58,058
Oh, I wish
159
00:05:58,091 --> 00:05:59,727
I could chop you up
160
00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:01,495
in a million pieces
161
00:06:01,529 --> 00:06:05,098
so that I could share you
with the rest of the world.
162
00:06:05,132 --> 00:06:06,667
Oh, you are so romantic,
163
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:09,870
my big Bavarian
monkey face.
164
00:06:12,072 --> 00:06:13,774
Francis, I am in
so much trouble.
165
00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:15,443
What's wrong?
I just found out
166
00:06:15,476 --> 00:06:18,412
what Gretchen is getting
me for our anniversary.
167
00:06:18,446 --> 00:06:21,348
She knows how much
I love cuckoo clocks,
168
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,383
so she called a
factory in Innsbrook
169
00:06:23,417 --> 00:06:27,187
and somehow convinced them
to handcraft a cuckoo clock
170
00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:29,122
with a little Otto
and a little Gretchen
171
00:06:29,156 --> 00:06:31,859
that come out and
kiss every hour.
172
00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:33,694
Wow. What'd you get her?
173
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:35,062
Some Dustbuster filters
174
00:06:35,095 --> 00:06:36,797
and a bracelet
I saw on QVC.
175
00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:39,733
Whoa. Well...
you have a week.
176
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:41,702
Is there anything
you know she likes?
177
00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:45,105
Well, she always wished
that I could learn to waltz.
178
00:06:45,138 --> 00:06:47,541
Really? That's great!
I know how to waltz.
179
00:06:47,575 --> 00:06:49,977
I learned in military school
taking girls to cotillions.
180
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:51,545
I can totally teach you.
181
00:06:51,579 --> 00:06:53,914
Oh, no, no, no, Francis,
I am a terrible dancer.
182
00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:56,383
I tried it at our wedding;
I stepped on her foot.
183
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:58,619
You can't let
a little thing...
I broke it in three places.
184
00:06:58,652 --> 00:06:59,787
But...
Then I ripped her dress,
185
00:06:59,820 --> 00:07:02,590
and her rear end hung out
for 200 people to see.
186
00:07:02,623 --> 00:07:05,392
Then I got into a
fistfight with her father.
187
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:06,894
We spent the night in jail,
188
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:10,263
and, you know, he always was a
little delicate-looking, and...
189
00:07:10,297 --> 00:07:11,298
Otto, Otto!
190
00:07:11,331 --> 00:07:13,734
I am sure I can teach you
to waltz.
191
00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,235
I don't know...
192
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:16,970
Oh, goodie! Look!
193
00:07:17,004 --> 00:07:19,940
It's the bracelet
I ordered from QVC.
194
00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:21,141
Do you like it?
195
00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:22,810
Yeah, oh, yeah.
196
00:07:22,843 --> 00:07:25,846
I'll meet you
in the barn at 10:00.
197
00:07:28,315 --> 00:07:29,683
What the hell is this?
198
00:07:29,717 --> 00:07:30,751
It's "Car Crash."
199
00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:32,486
It's a story for the
literary magazine.
200
00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:33,521
It's pornography.
201
00:07:33,554 --> 00:07:34,888
How is it pornography?
202
00:07:35,856 --> 00:07:37,791
"The construction worker
yelled out
203
00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:39,893
my ."
204
00:07:40,661 --> 00:07:44,865
" my ."
205
00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:46,199
It's supposed
to be offensive.
206
00:07:46,233 --> 00:07:47,968
That's the whole
point of the story.
207
00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:49,136
It's a literary device.
208
00:07:49,169 --> 00:07:50,337
There's nothing literary
209
00:07:50,370 --> 00:07:53,106
about "
my "!
210
00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:55,876
Parents don't want
their children
211
00:07:55,909 --> 00:07:59,279
reading "
my ."
212
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:02,215
This school district has
a zero tolerance policy
213
00:08:02,249 --> 00:08:03,551
on "
my "!
214
00:08:03,584 --> 00:08:06,453
Our forefathers did not
lay down their lives
215
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:11,559
on San Juan Hill
for " my "!
216
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:15,295
Now, you either kill
this story
217
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:18,298
or replace all the dirty words
with asterisks.
218
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:19,399
That's just stupid.
219
00:08:19,432 --> 00:08:20,834
What's the point of
bleeping out words?
220
00:08:20,868 --> 00:08:22,402
Everyone knows what
they are anyway.
221
00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:24,905
Besides, Miss Shaw
already said it was okay.
222
00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:27,307
Sometimes, Miss Shaw
doesn't know
223
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:30,177
when to keep
her mouth shut.
224
00:08:30,210 --> 00:08:33,581
Just do it!
225
00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:35,515
This is censorship!
226
00:08:35,549 --> 00:08:36,583
Call...
227
00:08:36,616 --> 00:08:39,152
the ACLU...
228
00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:42,422
and sue... their ass.
229
00:08:42,455 --> 00:08:43,190
Yes!
230
00:08:43,222 --> 00:08:45,525
We can testify
in poetry!
231
00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:48,161
I'm not going to call
the ACLU for Crystal Ship.
232
00:08:48,195 --> 00:08:50,598
Just because it's under attack
doesn't mean it's not lame.
233
00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:53,166
What's wrong?
234
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:55,335
Nothing. It's okay.
235
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:57,337
It is stupid.
236
00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:58,338
You don't have to get...
237
00:08:58,371 --> 00:08:59,607
Look... you have people
238
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:02,009
thinking you're smart
and creative all the time.
239
00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:04,377
I just got excited
that people would think that
240
00:09:04,411 --> 00:09:06,079
about me for a change.
241
00:09:06,113 --> 00:09:09,116
Like I said, it's stupid.
242
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,120
MAN:
That is an outrage!
243
00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:15,388
Where is this high school, Iran?
It's okay.
244
00:09:15,422 --> 00:09:17,557
I don't want to do anything;
I just wanted some information.
245
00:09:17,591 --> 00:09:18,558
You want information?
246
00:09:18,592 --> 00:09:20,427
The Constitution exists.
247
00:09:20,460 --> 00:09:22,896
Your teachers might as well take
a leak on the American flag...
248
00:09:22,930 --> 00:09:24,264
which actually is a case
I defended,
249
00:09:24,297 --> 00:09:25,265
but that's not the point.
250
00:09:25,298 --> 00:09:27,034
If these fascists need a lawsuit
to wake them up,
251
00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:30,070
then... Malcolm,
what's the name of your school?
252
00:09:30,103 --> 00:09:32,539
My school?
It doesn't have a name...
253
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,274
and I'm not really
a student there.
254
00:09:34,307 --> 00:09:36,109
I was just prank calling you.
255
00:09:36,143 --> 00:09:37,945
Ha, ha. Fooled you.
256
00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:40,413
That guy was nuts-- I didn't
want anything to do with him.
257
00:09:40,447 --> 00:09:42,783
I hung up before he could figure
out where I was calling from.
258
00:09:42,816 --> 00:09:46,453
Unless... he has...
259
00:09:46,486 --> 00:09:48,455
Caller I.D.
260
00:09:48,488 --> 00:09:51,925
BLOCK :
Attention, students.
261
00:09:51,959 --> 00:09:54,261
Attention, students.
262
00:09:54,294 --> 00:09:57,130
As you know, we publish
a literary magazine
263
00:09:57,164 --> 00:09:59,266
called The Crystal Ship.
264
00:10:01,468 --> 00:10:03,570
Well, we do.
265
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:06,674
This morning, I received word
that the ACLU
266
00:10:06,707 --> 00:10:10,110
has filed a lawsuit
to force us to publish
267
00:10:10,143 --> 00:10:13,480
an extraordinarily
obscene essay.
268
00:10:16,383 --> 00:10:20,420
The school district's lawyers
have given us a choice.
269
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:22,022
We can either turn
our high school
270
00:10:22,055 --> 00:10:25,192
into an adult bookstore, or
271
00:10:25,225 --> 00:10:28,996
we can cancel
all extracurricular activities.
272
00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:35,202
Therefore, the football team
is hereby canceled.
273
00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:39,072
The debate team
is hereby canceled.
274
00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:41,641
The drama club, canceled.
275
00:10:41,675 --> 00:10:44,111
The glee club, canceled.
276
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:46,780
The prom, canceled.
277
00:10:46,814 --> 00:10:48,315
GIRL :
No!
278
00:10:49,750 --> 00:10:52,986
If any of you wish to find
the student editor, Malcolm,
279
00:10:53,020 --> 00:10:55,555
and thank him for
this, you'll find
280
00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:58,826
his class schedule posted
outside my office.
281
00:11:17,577 --> 00:11:19,046
OTTO:
You are terrible!
282
00:11:19,079 --> 00:11:23,183
You have completely wasted four
entire days of waltz lessons.
283
00:11:23,216 --> 00:11:24,885
It makes me sick
284
00:11:24,918 --> 00:11:26,186
to look at you.
285
00:11:26,219 --> 00:11:27,855
Otto, this isn't helping.
286
00:11:27,888 --> 00:11:28,989
Every time
you punch yourself,
287
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:31,558
we lose hours
of valuable practice time.
288
00:11:31,591 --> 00:11:33,326
You just...
you got to relax.
289
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:36,263
How can I relax when Gretchen
is depending on me?
290
00:11:36,296 --> 00:11:37,998
You do not learn by relaxing.
291
00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:39,199
You learn
by violently
292
00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:41,234
assaulting your problem
293
00:11:41,268 --> 00:11:44,037
until it surrenders
its mysteries to you!
294
00:11:44,071 --> 00:11:46,673
I just feel like
you're psyching yourself out.
295
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:48,341
Why don't you take five
and clear your head?
296
00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:49,542
You take five.
297
00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:50,610
I shall study
298
00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:52,913
the videotape
of our previous lessons.
299
00:11:52,946 --> 00:11:55,783
I will correct the problems
in my technique.
300
00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:15,803
Mm-hmm, perhaps more
weight on my left instep.
301
00:12:15,836 --> 00:12:19,239
Otto, stop!
Just stop all of this.
302
00:12:19,272 --> 00:12:21,141
This isn't work!
303
00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:22,575
This isn't science!
304
00:12:22,609 --> 00:12:24,244
This is dancing!
305
00:12:24,277 --> 00:12:25,645
Stop thinking.
306
00:12:25,678 --> 00:12:27,214
Stop watching tapes.
307
00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:29,749
And take off the waltz-trainer!
308
00:12:32,986 --> 00:12:34,888
♪
309
00:12:34,922 --> 00:12:36,223
Feel the music.
310
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:37,657
Look into my eyes.
311
00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:38,792
But I...
Shh!
312
00:12:38,826 --> 00:12:39,759
But Gretchen...
313
00:12:39,793 --> 00:12:40,928
Shh.
314
00:12:40,961 --> 00:12:43,096
Forget Gretchen.
315
00:12:43,130 --> 00:12:45,098
Forget the past
and its failures,
316
00:12:45,132 --> 00:12:46,233
the future
317
00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:47,467
and its hopes.
318
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:49,336
The world is gone.
319
00:12:49,369 --> 00:12:52,605
Right now all that exists
is you...
320
00:12:53,506 --> 00:12:54,641
...and me
321
00:12:54,674 --> 00:12:56,443
and the waltz.
322
00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:18,665
Hey, Hal.
323
00:13:19,666 --> 00:13:23,203
Tough day.
My neck is so stiff.
324
00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:31,478
Mmm!
325
00:13:31,511 --> 00:13:35,382
So... what's a guy like
you do for fun, huh?
326
00:13:35,415 --> 00:13:36,783
I didn't know what to say.
327
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:38,318
I don't do anything for fun.
328
00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:40,020
Don't tell me you just stood
there for ten minutes
329
00:13:40,053 --> 00:13:40,954
with your mouth hanging open?
330
00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:42,222
She wasn't even
listening, Lois.
331
00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:43,991
She was too busy
mentally stripping me
332
00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:45,192
and dressing me in leather.
333
00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:48,828
Boys, get out here.
Dinner.
334
00:13:48,862 --> 00:13:50,297
How long is this
going to take?
335
00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:51,631
I had to have
Billy Hawkins
336
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:52,799
help dress me for gym.
337
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:55,668
It'll grow when you stop
needing it to grow.
338
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,338
Malcolm,
where've you been?
339
00:13:58,371 --> 00:14:00,040
Captain of the football team
wanted to show me
340
00:14:00,073 --> 00:14:01,808
how he decorated the inside
of his locker.
341
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:03,877
Yes, well, the principal
of your school called.
342
00:14:03,911 --> 00:14:06,646
He said you filed a lawsuit
so you could destroy the school.
343
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:07,981
That's a total lie.
344
00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:11,084
All I'm trying to do is publish
a magazine full of dirty words.
345
00:14:11,118 --> 00:14:13,186
Oh, and that's supposed
to make me feel better?
346
00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:14,221
I didn't even start this.
347
00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:15,755
But everybody's
fighting me so hard,
348
00:14:15,788 --> 00:14:17,657
it makes me think
I can't just back down.
349
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:18,691
You always said
350
00:14:18,725 --> 00:14:20,027
there are principles
you can't ever give up,
351
00:14:20,060 --> 00:14:21,328
no matter what people do to you.
352
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:22,729
And I'm as
surprised as anyone,
353
00:14:22,762 --> 00:14:24,531
but I think that's
what I'm doing.
354
00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:26,566
What's her name?
355
00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:27,567
Who?
356
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:29,002
The girl
you're trying to impress.
357
00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:30,170
Hope she's cute.
358
00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:32,039
This isn't
about a girl.
359
00:14:32,072 --> 00:14:33,941
A girl wrote
the dirty story.
360
00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:35,208
Oh, son, you want to be careful.
361
00:14:35,242 --> 00:14:36,243
A girl who writes dirty stories
362
00:14:36,276 --> 00:14:37,510
sounds a little advanced
for you.
363
00:14:37,544 --> 00:14:39,379
That's not what this is about.
364
00:14:39,412 --> 00:14:40,280
Ronnie's a lesbian.
365
00:14:40,313 --> 00:14:41,748
Well, maybe she
wouldn't be a lesbian
366
00:14:41,781 --> 00:14:43,783
if you tucked in your
shirt once in awhile.
367
00:14:44,817 --> 00:14:45,718
I'm just trying
368
00:14:45,752 --> 00:14:46,853
to help her.
369
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:48,421
She doesn't deserve this.
370
00:14:48,455 --> 00:14:50,290
She went to all the trouble
to express something
371
00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:52,592
in a way that's actually good,
and now she's being silenced
372
00:14:52,625 --> 00:14:55,362
by a bunch of stupid,
arbitrary people
373
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:57,364
for stupid, arbitrary reasons.
374
00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:58,966
And I think that's just wrong.
375
00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:00,800
Son, you don't want
to come on that strong.
376
00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:03,303
That might be what turned
her gay in the first place.
377
00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:08,208
Come in.
378
00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:09,842
You wanted to see me...
379
00:15:13,146 --> 00:15:14,147
What's going on?
380
00:15:14,181 --> 00:15:15,448
Malcolm,
the teachers and I
381
00:15:15,482 --> 00:15:16,649
are not here to blame.
382
00:15:16,683 --> 00:15:18,618
We're looking for a solution.
383
00:15:18,651 --> 00:15:19,953
This is Mr. Mellon.
384
00:15:19,987 --> 00:15:21,721
He's legal counsel
for the district.
385
00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:22,889
It's nice to meet you.
386
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:27,260
Now if it were up to me,
you'd just be expelled,
387
00:15:27,294 --> 00:15:29,629
but the district thinks
that there's a way
388
00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:31,231
to get everything
back the way it was.
389
00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:33,266
Good. Cause I never
wanted to fight everyone.
390
00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:35,135
Of course you didn't.
391
00:15:36,203 --> 00:15:38,605
Basically, son,
you sign this letter.
392
00:15:38,638 --> 00:15:41,408
It says "Car Crash" never met
the standards of Crystal Ship.
393
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:43,843
You just picked it to see what
you could get away with.
394
00:15:43,876 --> 00:15:44,944
It was an
adolescent prank,
395
00:15:44,978 --> 00:15:46,246
and you apologize.
396
00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:47,514
Now just sign this,
397
00:15:47,547 --> 00:15:50,117
and everyone
gets their clubs back.
398
00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:52,019
I'm not going to sign it.
399
00:15:52,052 --> 00:15:53,420
This is just a lie.
400
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:55,588
All right, Malcolm, I wasn't
going to mention this,
401
00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:59,492
but I made cupcakes for you kids
every week.
402
00:16:00,727 --> 00:16:03,430
Look, I'm not the only one
affected by this.
403
00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:05,465
I agree.
404
00:16:05,498 --> 00:16:07,367
Ronnie?
405
00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:13,340
I'd like you to sign it,
Malcolm.
406
00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:19,079
I just want field hockey back.
407
00:16:24,384 --> 00:16:25,485
Hello, there, Nell.
408
00:16:25,518 --> 00:16:26,719
Your eyes
409
00:16:26,753 --> 00:16:28,555
are very pretty.
Really?
410
00:16:28,588 --> 00:16:31,658
You like my eyes?
411
00:16:31,691 --> 00:16:33,060
No!
412
00:16:33,093 --> 00:16:34,861
I was just told to say that.
413
00:16:34,894 --> 00:16:36,196
I'm sure you're very pretty,
414
00:16:36,229 --> 00:16:38,465
but I don't find you even
remotely attractive.
415
00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:41,134
I'm only flirting with you
because my wife is making me!
416
00:16:41,168 --> 00:16:42,235
Wait a minute.
417
00:16:42,269 --> 00:16:43,403
I was flirting with you,
418
00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:46,073
and the first thing you
did was tell your wife?
419
00:16:46,106 --> 00:16:47,474
I tell her everything.
420
00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:50,210
And she told you
to flirt back with me?
421
00:16:50,243 --> 00:16:51,544
Yeah.
422
00:16:51,578 --> 00:16:53,246
Just out of curiosity,
423
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:56,716
how far was your wife
willing to take this?
424
00:16:56,749 --> 00:16:59,252
She wouldn't tell me.
425
00:16:59,286 --> 00:17:02,089
Hal, it's okay. Calm down.
426
00:17:02,122 --> 00:17:03,323
Now, the first thing
427
00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:06,492
you need to know is,
I'm not going to fire you.
428
00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:07,859
You're not?
No.
429
00:17:07,894 --> 00:17:09,529
I was going to,
430
00:17:09,561 --> 00:17:10,563
but then Grossman and Ball
431
00:17:10,597 --> 00:17:11,830
got indicted,
432
00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:13,500
and you're the only one
left in the department.
433
00:17:13,532 --> 00:17:14,534
Oh.
I'm really glad
434
00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:16,536
it worked out this
way for you, Hal.
435
00:17:16,569 --> 00:17:18,271
Thank you. Thank you.
436
00:17:18,305 --> 00:17:20,406
Lois will be so relieved.
437
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:22,909
Well... we don't want her
438
00:17:22,942 --> 00:17:25,145
to be too relieved.
439
00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:30,283
It's hardly noticeable.
440
00:17:30,317 --> 00:17:31,518
:
Good.
441
00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:32,919
We can finish going over
your progress reports
442
00:17:32,952 --> 00:17:35,088
in my office this afternoon.
443
00:17:35,122 --> 00:17:36,689
I'm on fire.
444
00:17:37,790 --> 00:17:39,959
Ah. Malcolm.
445
00:17:39,992 --> 00:17:42,762
So, have you, uh,
made a decision yet?
446
00:17:42,795 --> 00:17:44,231
Yes. I want the clubs back.
447
00:17:44,264 --> 00:17:45,398
So I signed the letter
448
00:17:45,432 --> 00:17:46,399
and sent it
to your lawyer.
449
00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:47,234
I even made copies.
450
00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:49,436
Yeah, what's all
this other stuff?
451
00:17:49,469 --> 00:17:51,204
I put the letter
on the back cover
452
00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:52,405
of my new independent
453
00:17:52,439 --> 00:17:53,573
literary magazine.
454
00:17:53,606 --> 00:17:55,275
We made 700 copies,
and we're distributing it
455
00:17:55,308 --> 00:17:57,644
20 feet outside
the school grounds
456
00:17:57,677 --> 00:17:59,011
as required by law.
457
00:18:02,349 --> 00:18:04,817
It's called
"Absolutely Filthy Smut."
458
00:18:04,851 --> 00:18:08,020
It's a catchy title.
People seem interested.
459
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:19,098
Man, from now on
460
00:18:19,132 --> 00:18:20,333
I'm going to ask
a girl's permission
461
00:18:20,367 --> 00:18:23,035
beside I say, "nice rack."
462
00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:25,638
You know, I kind of wish
463
00:18:25,672 --> 00:18:26,973
I did put some
smut in it, though.
464
00:18:27,006 --> 00:18:28,241
People are gonna
be disappointed.
465
00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:30,643
Don't be... so sure.
466
00:18:31,478 --> 00:18:34,814
"The Mysterious... Forest."
467
00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:36,416
Fold A...
468
00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:38,685
to meet B.
469
00:18:38,718 --> 00:18:40,453
That's a picture of...!
470
00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:42,555
Thank you... Cinemax.
471
00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:47,194
Ew.
472
00:18:48,361 --> 00:18:53,600
Freedom's... a glorious...
thing.
473
00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:57,304
Oh, Otto, this is such
a wonderful party!
474
00:18:57,337 --> 00:18:58,638
Everything is just perfect.
475
00:19:00,407 --> 00:19:01,374
Quiet, please!
476
00:19:01,408 --> 00:19:04,511
If everyone could stop
their drunken reveling
477
00:19:04,544 --> 00:19:05,678
for a second.
478
00:19:05,712 --> 00:19:07,214
Gretchen,
479
00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:12,819
my love, my life,
my bride of 25 years,
480
00:19:12,852 --> 00:19:15,622
I have finally learned
to do something
481
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:19,158
that you never thought
I would be able to do.
482
00:19:19,192 --> 00:19:21,361
Maestro, if you please?
483
00:19:22,229 --> 00:19:23,863
♪
484
00:19:23,896 --> 00:19:25,632
May I have this waltz?
485
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:29,736
Otto...
486
00:19:31,438 --> 00:19:32,705
Oh, uh, I'm sorry.
487
00:19:34,241 --> 00:19:36,543
Oh, oh!
488
00:19:38,345 --> 00:19:39,846
I don't understand this.
489
00:19:39,879 --> 00:19:42,349
I was doing this perfectly
last night.
490
00:19:42,382 --> 00:19:43,316
It's all right, Otto.
491
00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:44,417
I worked so hard
492
00:19:44,451 --> 00:19:46,553
to try to prove
my love for you.
493
00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:47,654
Oh...
494
00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:49,722
I have the same music,
I have the same boots,
495
00:19:49,756 --> 00:19:51,023
I have the same...
496
00:19:51,057 --> 00:19:52,759
Aha!
497
00:19:52,792 --> 00:19:56,796
Gretchen,
prepare to be dazzled!
498
00:19:57,564 --> 00:19:59,866
Aw, geez...
499
00:19:59,899 --> 00:20:01,368
Okay.
500
00:20:07,607 --> 00:20:10,277
♪
501
00:20:30,497 --> 00:20:32,799
Thank you, Otto.
502
00:20:36,168 --> 00:20:38,070
What are you doing?
503
00:20:38,104 --> 00:20:40,740
Hopefully messing Dewey up
for life.
504
00:20:40,773 --> 00:20:42,342
Nice.
505
00:20:43,410 --> 00:20:46,245
Oh, my God.
506
00:20:49,181 --> 00:20:51,083
He did it.
507
00:20:51,117 --> 00:20:53,886
You never even put
a seed in his hand.
508
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:54,787
It's like a miracle.
509
00:20:54,821 --> 00:20:57,223
The kid actually did it.
510
00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:58,991
This makes it
so much funnier.
511
00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:07,634
You put the lipstick
on yourself, right?
512
00:21:07,667 --> 00:21:09,369
Okay.
513
00:21:10,537 --> 00:21:11,471
No, I'm serious.
514
00:21:11,504 --> 00:21:12,739
You put it on.
515
00:21:12,772 --> 00:21:14,774
Sure.
516
00:21:15,642 --> 00:21:16,576
LOIS:
Hal, you did.
517
00:21:16,609 --> 00:21:18,144
Just say you did.
518
00:21:18,177 --> 00:21:19,278
Okay, I did.
519
00:21:19,312 --> 00:21:20,613
Hal...
35416
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