All language subtitles for Peculiarities of the National Fishing v1

STV Film company

in co-production with
Nicola Film

present

Alexei BULDAKOV

Victor BYCHKOV

Semyon STRUGACHEV

Serghei RUSSKIN

Serghei GUSINSKY

Vasily DOMRACHEV

Alexei SEVASTYANOV

Andrei KRASKO

Ville HAAPASALO

in the film

PECULIARITIES OF NATIONAL FISHING

Mikhalych, give me a hand,
I've broken down.

We're on our way.

O.K.

Stop! O.K.! O.K.!

- Give me the end.
- Here.

Mikhalych, just pull off gently.

I can't here a thing.
We'll get you there, don't worry.

Hell of a weather.
Great for fishing!

- Take the stuff out of the back.
- Let's go. We're already late.

What's going on? I don't get it.

Mikhalych, you're not towing me!

I can't hear a thing.
You're not moving?

- He says he's not moving.
- We're on the move.

We can even go a little faster.

What cow?

Eagle, has the general gone by?

We don't understand - what cow?

The general is bringing you
a cow as a present.

- What do I need a cow for?
- You haven't got yours back yet.

Of course, exotic animals
are more fashionable.

Our Constable Kiryukhin
has got himself a koala bear.

Now he is planting
eucaliptus trees for his koala.

He tried to soak birch tree leaves
with eucalyptus liqueur,

but the koala
wouldn't have any of it.

Yes, Russia still got a hundred
years' worth of idiots

up its sleeve, thank God.

They really have got a cow.
I thought I'd misunderstood.

- Hi.
- Welcome.

- Mikhalych.
- Hi, Kuzmich.

- So how is it here?
- It's O.K. There's plenty of carp.

- You didn't need to bring it here.
- We couldn't leave it on the road.

- What is her name?
- Ford.

Original. That's what we called
our Sergeant Vasilyuk.

Unbelievable.

I thought something was
dragging me out on the corners.

Where's Serghei?

Where's our Ford?

You animal!
What are you doing here?

Watch it. They're handy
with those hooves.

She won't have
the strength to kick us.

The've brought Serghei.

You got the ropes mixed up.

I got the rope
which you gave me mixed up!

It was raining so hard,
I couldn't see anything.

The new Prosecutor's arrived.
He is a very strict person.

- You tied up your own end!
- Of course I did! You saw the rain!

- It's all your fault.
- What's my fault?

Stop arguing, lay the table.

OK, let's drink to Sense!

In what sense?

In the sense "Long Live Sense".

That cow has set a speed record.

It's a pity we can't
register it with Guinness.

We have destroyed the protocol
on mutual agreement.

We'll draw up a new protocol.

It's time for our region
to become world-wide known,

to defend the honor
of the Motherland.

- Prosecutor! What's up?
- I've just remembered the Snivels.

What snivels?

My village lies between two rivers:
The Big Snivel and the Little Snivel.

- Mikhalych, it's not quite right.
- Of course, I see.

So, to the Motherland!

Two vodkas and some sturgeon.

Yes, the prosecutor
is not one of us!

You drink too much! Such a bore!

We shouldn't have taken him
fishing, he'll ruin the holiday.

He wanted to see my lodge:
all the amenities,

the standards and service
of a fashionable resort!

Service, my foot!
What self-indulgence!

In fact, I built the verandah
in the classic oriental style,

with a special place for
observing and relishing the moon.

They were building those verandahs
at the end of the Heian period,

it was a new architectural style

named shinden-zukuri.

- What?
- Shinden-zukuri.

Which was founded on a interest
in the inner corners of man.

I don't know about them, but for me
watching the moon is emotional.

A total escape from our chaos.

What are you going on about
this oriental mysticism?

Can't you peacefully meditate
in our Russian way?

If you do it the Russian way,
you'll ruin your health.

Two rings on the bell,
her name is Olya.

He is a freak
that in drinking is weak.

What a milksop!

His predecessor was a real man.

He could drink half a bucket,

and then read a lecture about
the dangers of alcoholism,

and on the culture of sexual
relationships in the countryside.

Kuzmich, don't get us worked up.

Keep your eyes on
where you are steering.

It'll be dark soon.

We'll navigate by the stars then.
Two fingers left of Algol.

What Algol?

It's a star
in the constellation of Perseus.

This is the North Star,
a little higher is Cassiopeia.

Turn left, and there's Algol.

Have you got it?

Kuzmich! He's out.

He had told me before, on the pier

about being nervous
when waiting for us.

What alcohol... dammit...
what Algol are we heading for?

I'm afraid we are going off course.

Algol is there. There's a light
over there, head that way.

Where should I stick my fingers:
vertically or horizontally?

In any case,
Kuzmich has thicker fingers.

That way.

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

- Are you sure that this is his lodge?
- Yes.

He sent me a Christmas card.
It's his alright.

We are going the right way.

So, unload.

Jesus, why so much?

I said: "Don't bring too much,
we're going to have a rest. "

five, six... sixteen boxes!

There's something
not quite right...

I said: "Don't bring too much,
we are going to have a rest. "

I said not more than sixteen,
but I meant the bottles, not boxes.

It was not my idea.

Let's just hope
it's not all for us.

Maybe someone else will
come to have a rest.

Why so much vodka?
How much were you asked to bring?

However many you asked for -
that's how many I brought.

But never mind,
I can relax in a civilized manner.

So, to Understanding!

We know how to relax.

Sixteen boxes is just about right.

Look how he is taking care of him.
That must be respect.

Kuzmich, why is your colleague
keeping silent all the time?

Definitely not mine.

He is definitely deaf and dumb.

For women it would be bad.

Because they need to hear words.

But we men, we can understand
each other without words.

We have a lot of things to discuss,

among us men.

Having a shave wouldn't hurt.

Mikhalych, be careful
with your hands.

You scratched your neck,
and he thought you wanted a drink.

I didn't come here for that.
I came to get some rest.

Do some fishing, relax.

We can't hurt his feelings.

So, to the strength of men's silence!

He understands everything!

Listen, where can I

sleep and wash myself?

Yes, wash myself.

Is that what we need?

Didn't you understand me?
I told you:

I came to do some fishing,
big fish!

Of course, I can't give a toast
like the General, I'll be brief:

Goodbye, health.

Help yourself.

Kuzmich!

Where am I?

Lyova!

I'm over here! Which shed
did we put the vodka in?

- Is that you, Lyova?
- Is it me?

Mikhalych, just take
the hair of the dog...

We'll get some worms, have some
breakfast, and go fishing, right?

Right.

- Kuzmich, have you got any bread?
- Maybe.

- Where?
- There.

- Where there?
- Look in the kitchen.

You've got zilch.

We'll have to drive
to the shop to get some bread.

Serghei, what do you
want for breakfast?

Serghei, I'm taking some money.

He's alive.

We won't be long:
we'll just go for bread and back.

- It's a good road.
- They've learned how to build.

- Want some?
- No, I mustn't.

- Why?
- I'm driving.

Clap!

Loads of thanks...

Strange, there's no bread
and no liquor.

This is a shop for drivers.

- The drivers never drink.
- And don't eat bread either?

Young lady, do you like
fishing. Pardon.

Lyova, you had better have
a drink of water first.

Stop!

Girls, let's go fishing.
It's so nice - in the open now.

We'll sit down, do some fishing.

- We just go and dig up some worms.
- And buy some wellies.

Lyova, your hiccups
is even frightening me.

- Hey, where's the toilet?
- I can't drink anymore.

Excuse me for turning
my back on you.

Good evening, or is it day?

Do you believe in love
at the first sight?

I don't believe in it either.

First one must try and
understand his feelings,

only after that a decision
must be made.

Wait a second.
I'll get some champagne.

I'll be back in a moment.

Have we got any champagne?
I need champagne urgently.

We've got vodka. Kuzmich
doesn't keep champagne.

Who drinks champagne
on a fishing trip?

- Do you have any champagne?
- Excuse me, where's the toilet?

Everywhere. Don't go near the shed,
There are loads of nettles.

- Do you have any champagne?
- Only vodka.

Why's everything so clumsy?

Sorry, Serghei.

Do you remember
which way we came?

You're the bloody native,
this is your neck of the woods.

Police. We'll ask them.

Hey, listen, how can we
get to his place?

To the thirteenth lodge.

- Your seatbelt isn't fastened.
- What, are you Karelian?

They've got new uniforms.

You're drunk.

First to the right, and then
to the left. Did you get that?

Thanks, mate, but you
should learn some Russian.

Hey, what happened?

These Russian are driving around
blind drunk, as if they were back home.

I noticed that something
wasn't right yesterday.

Everything is neat and
ordered - not like at home.

...and nostalgia.

Finland? Sweden?

I think we should leave
before they arrest us.

There's only one problem -
the General.

Yes, he might make a point of it.

Kuzmich, we stopped here, didn't we?

Yes. Mikhalych is splashing
about over there.

Prosecutor, get up! Reveille!

Serghei, get up.

We've crossed the border,
we've got to leg it, fast and quiet.

Let's get at least one of them up.

Serghei, we're over the border,
we crossed it!

The can put us behind bars,
and goodbye fishing.

When are we leaving? By night?

At night it might be too late.

Who dressed me like this?

It's all your colleague's fault -
the bastard.

He spiked my drink -
I still keep snoozing off.

- It's all because of your Algol!
- Me?

We should make a run for it.

What were you saying
about sleeping pills?

You mustn't stay in the water
so long. You'll get sick.

All illnesses are from lack
of culture.

Water is the cradle
of conscious life.

It just gives me pleasure to return
to the source of existence.

If he stays in his cradle
much longer,

we'll spend the rest
of our lives behind bars.

You get bananas for lunch
there and read books.

Thanks, I can do
the same thing at home.

I want to return
to the Motherland.

Don't break my heart.
Start smiling - Mikhalych is here.

Lovely! The water is wonderful.

We've got fed up with this
place, let's go to the old lodge.

It's not bad here either.

At first I felt depressed,
but now it abated.

We must just keep ourselves
occupied, we'll go fishing now.

The pills.

There're no fish here.
They've gone to the old lodge.

Mikhalych, would you like
some more tea?

- How many pills did you put in?
- Two.

Not enough. Put some more in
that he just fall down.

Kuzmich, where is your verandah
for observing the moon?

- I couldn't find it.
- I'll show you later.

There are no fish here,
almost none.

- Coincidence, she was lucky.
- She is a professional.

Would you like some more tea?
It's so hot here.

Thanks.

- It's not working.
- It will soon.

He's had three cups. Seven pills.

Maybe they're not the right pills?

They're the right pills.

- What's wrong with Serghei?
- Too long in the sun.

Well, it's time to do
something else for a change.

It's not working.

Maybe they make them immune
to these things in the army.

Lyova, what if he falls asleep?

Well, that's what
we are waiting for.

Yes, but if he falls asleep
on that thing?

Right, he's already asleep!

- I'll catch him lasso him.
- Careful.

Got him!

Kuzmich, where are you going?

Mikhalych, stop the boat!

Mikhalych, forgive me,

you are dragging me after you!

- Stop him!
- Don't worry, Kuzmich.

He'll run out of fuel in 2 hours.

I can't swim!

Hold on, Kuzmich!

It's over, Kuzmich, he's out of fuel.

Save me, the General
knows how to swim!

Kuzmich, give me a hand.

Full speed ahead!

So, goodbye.
Sorry for any inconvenience.

Next time you're down
our way, drop in.

What do you think,
are we already in neutral waters?

How should I know:
everything is so near here.

Lenin made it to Finland
on foot in a few minutes.

Well, do you know
where you are going?

Because Lenin knew
where he was going.

It's harder to navigate
by the sun than by the stars.

Let's hope we don't end up
in Africa with your sun.

So, have we broken through?

Is it much further?
Where is the vodka?

You're like the last donkeys.
You left the vodka behind.

Serghei, tell me please,

did we travel a hundred miles
just in order to drink vodka?

Of course not.

- So why did We come here?
- To fish.

So fish!
And don't even mention vodka!

Fifteen boxes!

Those Russians are smugglers!
Are you a smuggler as well?

No, I'm an owner of a small hotel.

The season is about to start,
there'll be loads of tourists.

The Russians are a generous
people, they left this vodka for us.

You don't know the Russians!
They never leave vodka behind.

It won't take the bait at this speed.

It hurts me to think we left
so much vodka behind.

Your fishing line
is too thick for our waters.

Help!

Help! Somebody!

Hello, darling! Everything is fine!
Not everything, of course.

Tell the emergency services
that I'm floating on a log.

Probably somewhere
close to Finland.

Why can't you?
You're having a rest? In Cyprus?

I'm on a log, and you're in Cyprus?

There he is, on a log!
Serghei, don't worry!

- Be careful coming up to him.
- Look at the perch I caught!

Serghei, are you OK?

My wife is in Cyprus.

It's his nerves.
The stress. Everything is OK.

Don't worry about the vodka -
we'll have loads of vodka.

She's gone to Cyprus without me.

My wife went to the theater
8 years ago to see Parsifal,

and then she sent me a postcard
from Kathmandu: "Don't look for me. "

Cyprus isn't the end
of the world - she'll be back!

Hands up! Come alongside!

Stop the engine!

You have crossed
the Russian State border!

Don't shoot - we have a General and
a Prosecutor with us. We got lost.

I'm Kuzmich! Lyova,
shine the light on my face.

I've got my hands up!

Legs apart! Let's do
our morning gymnastics.

Semyonov! Cop!

I can't believe that you can get
lost in your own backyard.

I was looking for you,
I even started to get worried.

So I took some border guards with me.

- We've broken through!
- We were roaming around the skerries.

Put your hands down then.

I was showing them
our beautiful landscapes.

They were so impressed by the
views that they fell asleep.

If you need any help - get in touch!
Have a nice fishing trip!

- Stop the engine!
- Engine stopped!

Make fast!

They must have had a nice time.
Our landscapes are unique.

I can't understand people that go
to Cyprus or elsewhere to rest.

What's wrong?
I understand, I feel it too.

- We need a toast.
- We shouldn't wake up the General.

- What's he sitting here for then?
- The vodka is gone, it sank.

- All of it?
- There won't be any toasts today.

- Where?
- There.

We must call the scuba divers. In
the spring we dropped a box of cognac.

They found it in all the mud,
and they got it back up.

- It's deep there.
- They'll find it all the same.

Especially when they learn
there is vodka down there.

So, what, are we going
to cry about it?

Of course, I can't give
the toast like the General.

So, I'll be brief:

so, you know what I mean.

So, to unity.

Of course, to unity with nature.

She doesn't like fishing,
so she stayed at home.

I caught this massive
salmon over yonder,

it fetched three
two-liter jars of caviar.

I was using a normal worm,
the rod started to bend,

and I thought, that's it,
the rod is going to break.

I turned my torch on,
and I saw a fish big as a log.

So I took a paddle
and gave it a bang.

It was moving all the same,
and I didn't even have a hand-net.

So, with my bare hands,
I grabbed its tail.

And it started thrashing around.

3 hours, and not a single bait,

And then, in 10 minutes, I had
a full boat of first-rate red-fins.

She's left for Cyrpus without me.

My darling... Cyprus...

What have you found there,
in your Cyprus?

Who's there?

Who's there?

- We were in a different place.
- We were. Now we're here.

I don't remember a thing.

There won't be a moon tonight.

If you watch the moon
for a long time, you go insane.

That's what they said in Middle
Asia, when I was in the army there.

I don't remember a thing.

I don't understand a thing.
There was a shed.

Kuzmich, yesterday
you had a shed. Where is it?

I have a lot of buildings.

- There definitely was a shed.
- Nice weather.

- Maybe I dreamt it.
- Agreeable weather.

- Didn't I drink a lot yesterday?
- Blacker than a king's hat.

Sometimes I'm sure I've got
a 100 ruble note in my pocket.

- It's time to go fishing.
- May I go with you?

I've never really been fishing.

You can come. You must start
from elementary things:

First you angle with worms,
then - with spoon-bait, and then -

the other forms of fishing.

Dynamite, for example.

We don't use it, though.
We only fish sportingly.

Maybe you've got some
mermaids here and naiads?

I've got loads of things that
go beyond ordinary sense.

There are lot of women wandering
about. This place is great.

- Should I dig up worms here?
- Dig, there're plenty here.

Prosecutor, just dig deeper.

- There are no worms here.
- Dig, there're plenty here.

What's the Prosecutor
doing in the field there?

I wanted to plant Soya-beans here.

Or was it Gaolyang...

Kuzmich! I've found one!

Lyova, straight ahead,
there're plenty of fish there.

I haven't thrown any bait out there.

- What should I fish with?
- There's a sinker there.

- This one?
- That's right.

And how do you use it?

You put the worm on the hook,
then you cast it.

If it starts jerking, you pull it out.

Hook on the worm,
and then overboard. OK.

Where's my worm?

What've you got there?

- Is that all?
- I dug up half a field.

Give it a swing. That's it.

- You cast it. Here, take it.
- Thank you.

- Pull it out and try once again.
- It's got stuck on something.

Pull harder, it's a strong line.

Who is this?
I mean, what's its name?

- It's a bream.
- Is it a big one?

It's not small.

A big bream!
We'll catch an even bigger one!

- Should I put another worm on?
- Yes, and the sinker into the water.

We're going to catch
a massive fish now.

Lucky.

What are you looking at? Cut it!

Get the first aid kit.

How did you manage it?

This is my first time fishing.

Well, you won't forget it in a hurry.

- We've got nothing, not even vodka.
- We should get him to a hospital.

You should put your finger into
the water, to stop the worm from dying.

Otherwise the poison
will get into the wood.

Do something!

Watch you step.

Hey! We need some help.

- Bon appetite.
- Thank you. What's wrong?

- When did you get it stuck?
-Today, out fishing.

Show me.

We put it into water,
so that it wouldn't die.

Do you understand?

Here you are.

An anesthetic.

Give me the instrument.

Yes. It's gone right through.
But the end sticks out.

It's a piece of luck for you.

We won't touch the worm.
We'll just cut it away.

Never mind,
all my stuff is sterilized.

That's it.

You can have this as a keepsake.

- Thank you.
- Thank yous don't pour.

My sister's husband
got hooked right here.

We thought he would
never be a man again.

But he is lucky: he's still got
his wife and his mistress.

Put your finger in some vodka.
The worm might have been ill.

So, to the operation!

What, I have to drink this?

Well, if you're not squeamish.

When you brought that worm
on the finger, I nearly went sick.

Meat dumplings are a traditional
Russian meal, they came to us

from Siberia and in translation
they mean "boiled ear".

If we'd caught some fish,
we wouldn't be doing this.

Meat dumplings
are the essence of life.

This food is rather simple,
but it is very healthy for man.

The main thing is the proportion,
especially of dough.

You can eat up to a hundred

without any consequences
for your health.

I caught this big fish.
Lyova, what is it called?

- A bream.
- This big bream.

The weather is changing,
so they're not biting.

We can catch them only with
the help of dynamite or the fishing net.

So, what are we celebrating?

So, to the finger!

That's right. When are we
going fishing again?

First we have to make our minimum
requirement of dumplings.

It would be a long procedure, you know.

Is anybody there?

Egad, what a silly idea!

Excuse me, are you there?

I wanted to talk with you.

Don't be afraid of me.

Hello, my name is Serghei.

Does your tail get in the way,
when you're on dry land?

Where are you going?

Serghei, what are you doing here?

I don't want to seem impolite,
but you stunned me.

I never even imagined that
creatures like you exist.

Mikhalych, the transforme
has broken down.

A nymph. Grey eyes.

No big deal,
I've got a very low voltage here.

I should move it to another place.
People confuse it with a toilet.

Very politely, with
a bunch of flowers.

A season doesn't go by without
somebody zapping themselves.

My intentions were honorable.
What was the idea to strike me!

Shame on you, Serghei.

You distress me, really.

Why did you go into
the transformer cabin?

Kuzmich, what should an intelligent
person think, having read this?

Intelligent people don't meddle
with transformer cabins.

My wife has left.
And she - she kissed me.

- Who kissed you?
- The mermaid.

All the same,
you should repair the sign.

Perfect! Throw it!

We've got the delivery.

Alright, I can walk by myself.

What did he tell
about the mermaids?

Ever since we rescued him from
the log, he's been out of his mind.

He keeps asking me if there are
a lot of mermaids in these parts.

- So, are there many?
- Are you a materialist?

I was a victimized materialist.

Constant contact with nature
changes the angle of things.

You'll laugh at me, but they exist.

It's hard to believe it,
but it's true.

You don't believe me?

No. Kuzmich,
introduce me to one then.

It's a deal.

- What's this?
- Meat dumplings.

- But this is ravioli.
- Well, they are meant dumplings.

Yes, but it's ravioli.

But they're meant dumplings
first and foremost.

They're dumplings, Mikhalych.

If it wasn't for you, we'd be
making ravioli for the whole night.

Hey, is anybody here!

Where are you? Kuzmich!

- This?
- This.

- So, what do you think?
- Good, bloody good.

I'm talking about our deal.

Alright, show me
where you left the cargo.

- Here, in this region.
- But that's a foreign country!

- Really?
- It can't be.

- So what if it's a foreign country?
- You landlubber idiots!

We go in quickly, and then go out.

Do you understand in what
kind of country you live?

- Of course. Lyova.
- Serghei.

Semyonov, get in.
The water is wonderful.

A man should have constant
contact with water.

I don't mean that vulgar
consumption of liquids.

It goes without saying.
I mean here - the contact.

It's being at one with nature,
with our creator.

I'd go even further:

we all came from water,
and we'll all return to it.

Only amateurs talk that way:
go there, come back.

This is not a taxi,
this is a combat vessel.

I can dump an aircraft carrier.

And you're talking
about some boxes.

This isn't the right shed.

Semyonov, look.

Do you know what it is?
Plastic explosives.

Where did Kuzmich get it?

Nobody reported to me as yet
about the theft of plastic explosives.

But never mind. Blow this stuff up,
there'll be plenty of fish.

The guys will come back,
and we'll give them some fish.

It's poaching.

So we should go further behind
the island, no one will notice.

What you are suggesting,
in any country is called

a diversionary operation.

Let's not argue about the terms.
Just think about it.

We're not hurrying you.

- There's no hurry.
- We've plenty of time.

It's not just sport or relaxation,

it's a state of being, a repose
from the worries of daily life.

General, we won't be long.

After all, is it our fault that
we were born in Russia?

We need very little to be happy:

a sense of the Motherland,
of the Universe.

A quiet river, a small forest lake,
and simple fishing equipment.

We'll use a smoke screen,
and no one will see.

You are so clever!
Why aren't you in uniform,

if you know it all, you
landlubbing half-wits!

- Where's the toilet?
- To the left down the corridor.

And put my coat on.
This is a combat ship, after all.

Comrade Lieutenant-Captain.
There's a package from headquarters.

Sign here.

You're to open it at the time
specified on the envelope.

- Permission to leave?
- Leave, leave.

We must be 20 meters away,
or we'll blow ourselves up.

After the explosion only 10 to 12
per cent of the fish will float up.

The rest of it will remain
on the floor of the sea.

We must collect the fish
that will be on the surface.

- Is a current towards or away from us?
- That I don't know.

- Full speed ahead, or we're done for!
- Swim for your life!

How much vodka
did you leave there?

Sixteen boxes.

- How much?
- Only 15 left, to be exact.

You should have said
that straight away.

- Can you show me the exact place?
- Yes.

It's an uninhabited area. It would be
better to go by submarine.

- In a "Baby-Sub"?
- How do you know? It's a state secret!

Last year we took it
to the island to go berry-picking.

- Who took off my sandals?
- The explosion tore them off.

My feet are wet. And why
are you shouting at me?

I thought you were shell-shocked.

- And where's our boat?
- It sank.

Kuzmich will be upset.
What will we do?

Maybe we should swim to the shore.

If it had been autumn or spring,
we'd die from exposure.

A pilot shot down over the Baltic
has 20 minutes to survive.

If they got him in time, they
could bring him back to life.

The best way to warm him up
was a woman on either side.

Lots of them had their eyes
pecked out by seagulls.

The eyes glitter in the sunshine,
so they peck them out.

Can't you think
of anything more cheerful?

Birds are very responsive
to shiny objects.

- My name is Vasily.
- Serghei.

What are you doing here?
Our training exercises have begun.

Kuzmich, have you seen
a package from headquarters?

A secret one? Lyova wanted
to open it yesterday.

I need it as much
as a hedgehog needs a T-shirt.

Serghei got it, he signed the receipt.

Why can we never sit
in a civilized manner,

do we always need to drink.

Where is the package?

- Anyway, is there any left?
- My plan of actions is in it.

We've got training exercises
with live shooting.

And I don't know
which way to shoot.

Like a broken record!
Ivanych, have you got any left?

We should have a hair of the dog,
then look for it.

I will be at the location in 20 minutes,
and I don't know the procedure.

- Do you have any children?
- No.

- How old are you?
- Nearly thirty-four.

...and you haven't lived at all yet.

What are you talking about?
Stop this nonsense.

You should be realistic, look
the danger bravely in the face.

- Semyonov, follow me!
- Vasily, where are you going?

The explosion must have
lifted it up from the bottom.

There's very little time,
I have to open the package.

Good God, what made me get
mixed with you, you landlubbers.

- Where can I get some water?
- There's water all around.

Don't worry.
Everything will be fine.

A grappling hook and horseradish
up your holes!

The detonator needs
to be hit very hard

to set the mine off,

otherwise an occasional storm
or fish would explode it.

We're over here! Save us!

So funny - our whistles
play in one tonality.

What are you on about?

We could play some simple melody.

If you don't like classical music,
something modern.

I, for example,
like the Early Beatles.

Semyonov, are you an idiot?

- Do I look like an idiot?
- Yes.

Excuse me,
where can I get a drink of water?

- Upstairs.
- Thank you.

Battle stations!

- Prepare missiles for action!
- Missiles are prepared for action!

What the hell have you done,
you streak of sea-scum.

I just wanted a drink of water,
but none of the buttons work.

How did this mixture of sea-scum
monkey and sprat get on board my ship?

- Sir, have the missiles gone?
- You know, go and have a look.

Why me again?

Checking the rockets, sir!

All my life I've dreamt
of seeing how missiles fly.

The same with me.

- Did you shoot well?
- Ask him.

I thought it was about water:
with bubbles, without bubbles.

And there's a cup here.
Why confuse the people?

What do you know
about naval humor?

The missiles have been launched.

- What was that?
- What will happen to us?

It looks like they fired missiles.

Comrade Captain,
the Commander - is on the line.

Dear God, why?

Captain, the Commander
is on the line.

Tug-boats,
thank you for the mission.

Permission to return to base, over.

The Captain of the missile boat
is on the line.

Excellent work,
Captain of the third rank.

No, that's not a mistake,
you have been promoted.

That's the way, comrades:
two missiles, two hits.

So?

What happened?

They've promoted me.
We must have hit something.

I would've been surprised
if we'd missed.

You should see Serghei hunting,
with a Remington in his hands!

Set course for base!

- Let's celebrate the promotion.
- And our shooting skills.

Semyonov, don't whistle,
or you'll never be rich.

- Watch out, there's a mine!
- It's a fake, for training.

What are you doing in the
military training zone?

Fishing.

We'll fire into the mine.

We're saved.

Thank you,
I can't drink any more water.

What were you doing here?

- Kuzmich, are you a brave man?
- Well, I have my moments.

Then, you must face it with
honor: your boat sank.

Prepare to eliminate
the training mine. Fire!

It's not fake.

Faster!
What are you doing there?

This is the senior commando,
a specialist in secret operations.

- Kuzmich.
- Lyova.

Serghei.

Viktor. What do you want?

It's not far from here.
Just there and back.

Interesting.

So, he was in Africa.

He never told us about it.

They're getting up
to their tricks again.

...arrested for the possession
of smuggled vodka.

This is the largest amount brought
to Finland in recent times...

That means it wasn't a dream.

Do you have any contacts
in the Finnish Republic?

I do, but they are of a private nature.

Last autumn I took a Finnish
a Finnish writer hunting.

- Why?
- There's a shed we have to open.

I called upon his professional pride.

Because at first he refused.

We leave in two hours.

Semyonov,
you just get my boat back!

We must get back by
tomorrow morning.

We need to get some
scuba drivers.

You must call your Finn in Finland,
and tell him to open the shed.

God, three days...

Vodka is the unique invention
of our people.

It's not just a strong drink
like any other.

It's a nationality,
a national character.

It is what protects all of us
from total disintegration,

bearing in mind we are reasonable
enough when consuming it.

Our vodka uses natural, soft water,

which, alongside with cereals,
gives it a special taste.

In other countries they use
distillation and boiling,

but here we only use pure,
filtered water.

That is why our vodka
is superior to other drinks,

such as the French Frambois
or Italian Grappa.

That's without even
mentioning rum.

Right, where's everybody gone?

Kuzmich, is it called Baby?

It's called that on purpose,

to confuse the enemy and
other rubber-necks.

You are on board
a military underwater craft!

It's not a ferry-boat for you,
so don't touch anything,

don't press any buttons,
and don't ask stupid questions.

We'll be submerging in five minutes.

- Have you already been on it?
- I have.

Do they have a toilet?

Everybody to their places.
Fasten safety belts.

What are the belts for?
Are we going to fly?

So that people like you stay put
and not wander around the toilets

or sink water down the pan...

- What can be in there?
- Anything.

We're off!

We're diving.

So, where did you sink the boat?

- Over there, I think.
- I think, over there.

Do you remember any landmarks?

There was a lot of water, a horrible
amount of seagulls, and a mine.

Understood.

This isn't it, it's a shed. And this...

Look, isn't this your one?

Ours was a bit more respectable,
and more buildings around it.

We'll keep looking.

This definitely isn't yours.
And this maybe...

- Probably Russians.
- They've probably got lost again.

- This is it, right here.
- Here. Definitely here.

This one maybe?

It sort of looks familiar.
Lyova, take a look.

- Well?
- Yes.

The cat is sitting there.
It stole our fish.

- What fish?
- They haven't got any fish!

You come to my lodge,
I will show you loads of fish.

And who is that? Interesting.

We're off on the mission.
In charge will be... Lyova.

- What is your rank?
- Major, homicide department.

Don't touch anything.
Don't untie this.

- Don't press any buttons.
- Is there a toilet here?

In the navy, we call it the head.
Serghei, just be patient.

Quiet. Something's not right here.

I've only been gone for two days,
and they've laid hands on it!

It's closed.

Very impressive.

Wow, Raimo!

- I need to go to the head.
- You can wait with your head.

No, ours wasn't made of wood.
Ours was iron. Keep looking.

The current is strong here.
It could have gone further.

There was a clock on the steering
wheel, in a metal housing.

There was a clock on the steering
wheel, in a metal housing.

Are there so many boats down there?

There are some strange guys
up there. They went to the shed.

And I saw Raimo by the shed.

You're hallucinating!
Stop babbling - take this.

Freeze!

My friends called me
and asked me to open this shed.

Hi, my friends told me
to open this shed...

We've been spotted.

- What's happening?
- There was an ambush.

And what happened?

They are tying us up.

We've got you.

- It won't come down.
- Lyova, what do we do now?

- That's the lot. We've made it.
- Can I go to the toilet now?

Let me look...

So what was their plan!

Never mind, we'll break through.

Maybe we should surrender?
We'll say we just got lost.

We've got out of worse fixes -
you shouldn't piss about that.

That's exactly what I'd like to do.

Hold tight!

Give me another rope!

Isn't there a simple toilet

on such an advanced submarine?

With God's help, we're off!

- What should we do?
- Fight.

Great fishing...

We're almost out of fuel.
Pour some vodka into the tank.

In here?
Are you crazy, this is vodka!

- Does it run on vodka?
- It runs on anything that burns.

It is better to be without vodka
than to be in prison.

Get on with it!

She's moving, the beauty!

What wooden box?

- Did we have a wooden box?
- Yes. It was at the back.

Yes, there was a wooden box
on the stern.

So, get the box at least.

I've got it. It's heavy.

A very interesting chest.

Cognac. Year 1804.

That was the year they declared
Napoleon emperor of France.

Is cognac a good thing?

It's almost 200 years old.
I've never tried anything like it.

Such an old vintage! All the stars
on our lapels wouldn't be enough!

- This is the fifteenth box.
- Pour! We're going well.

She's never run better.

What kind of an engineer built
a vodka-consuming engine?

Right you are. This is the last one.

And you wouldn't believe me. Look.

Viktor, let's go up:

We're dragging half of Finland
after us, including a civilian.

Such a cognac can be acquired
only at international auctions.

- How much would it cost?
- Very expensive.

- We could never buy the like.
- Why should we. We've got it.

I've never seen anything like it.

This is what I'd like to say.

Destiny brought us together,
we were like living next door,

but we didn't notice each other.

And then - this adventure
happened to us.

To us remembering this summer
this summer forever!

That we be happy as we are now.

- And I'd also like to say...
- So, to fishing!

- Ask Lyova.
- Was that vodka good?

- Is there any other kind?
- Golden words of truth.

I caught this massive bream!

I'll show you how we fish!
There is nothing like our fishing!

Oh, come on!

Your fishing is just sitting
and staring at the float.

But with us it's much more fun.
We can sit and have a talk.

We can rest to our heart's content.

Could I have a cigarette?

Why didn't you ask earlier.

Try one of ours. It's not one
of your scummy foreign ciggies.

We've rested nicely.
I've never had such good fishing.

I know places when they jump out
of the water. Let's go there now...

Starring:

Alexei Buldakov as the General

Victor Bychkov as Kuzmich

Semyon Strugachev as Lyova

Serghei Russkin as Serghei

Serghei Gusinsky as Semyonov

Vasily Domrachev as the Prosecutor

Alexei Sevastyanov
as the Captain-Lieutenant

Andrei Krasko as Viktor

Ville Haapasalo as Raimo

Written and directed by
Alexander Rogozhkin

Director of photography -
Valery Martynov

Production designers -
V. Kartashov, E. Zhukova

Music by
Vladislav Panchenko

Executive producer -
Dmitry Delov

Produced by
Serghei Selyanov, Igor Kalenov