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_
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[patriotic music]
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Harriet Tubman was like,
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this is about to be, like,
a real stealth operation.
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You [bleep]s have never seen
no [bleep] like this before.
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Why would you wait till I'm
at my drunkest to do this?
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- Virginia Hall had a wooden leg.
- Ow.
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But she's blowing up bridges,
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and the head of the
Gestapo is like, that bitch.
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But he was a bad guy, so
he used terrible language.
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Roald Dahl was a fighter
pilot who crash-landed,
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and he was a [bleep] spy.
Literally a [bleep] spy.
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[patriotic music]
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sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
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3x04 - "Spies"
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Well, a spy during war
is gonna go behind enemy lines,
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and they're going to try to...
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Oh, wait. I'm drunk.
I can't use big words. [laughs]
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For a spy, I would need
maybe an Austin Martin,
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I mean... or an Aston
Martin, for the chicks.
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Who was Harriet Tubman?
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I love Harriet Tubman.
Underground Railroad.
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Freed millions... well,
maybe not millions.
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I don't know the exact amount.
But freed a number of slaves.
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She was like the
James Bond of Georgia.
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[Derek] Wait.
Give me that song again.
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- Which one?
- Bitch called me about a week ago.
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[laughs]
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First of all, how do
you not know this song?
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I can't hear.
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? Bitch, caught a
body 'bout a week ago ?
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? [bleep] with us and
then we tweakin', ho ?
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00:01:42,934 --> 00:01:43,933
? Tweakin, ho ?
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- # Bitch called me 'bout a week ago #
- No. It's... [laughs]
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He's saying, "Bitch, I caught
a body 'bout a week ago,"
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meaning, "I killed
somebody about a week ago."
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Oh, now, that's where I
draw the line. [laughs]
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Hi, my name is Crissle,
and today we're gonna talk
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00:02:00,784 --> 00:02:03,783
about the Civil War spy
Harriet Tubman.
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00:02:03,784 --> 00:02:07,783
So Harriet Tubman does
not get her just due.
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00:02:07,784 --> 00:02:10,944
Like, you hear her name, and you think,
she led the slaves to freedom.
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00:02:10,969 --> 00:02:13,783
But you most certainly do not know
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00:02:13,784 --> 00:02:15,783
that she was a spy for the Union.
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00:02:15,784 --> 00:02:18,783
So the thing was, when
the Civil War started,
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00:02:18,784 --> 00:02:22,783
Harriet Tubman was like,
wait a minute. I can do way more.
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00:02:22,784 --> 00:02:24,783
So she went down there to Port Royal,
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which is in South Carolina,
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and the Union had, like, taken it over.
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00:02:28,784 --> 00:02:30,783
But it was still com...
It was still, like...
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00:02:30,784 --> 00:02:33,306
like, not smothered and covered.
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That's [bleep] like biscuits.
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It was... it was
surrounded by Confederacy,
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00:02:39,784 --> 00:02:40,784
like, places and [bleep].
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00:02:40,785 --> 00:02:42,785
And at first, she's just
like a regular-ass person.
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She was a nurse.
And that's when she was like,
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I know can do better than
this. Like, I know can free
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way more slaves than what
you guys are doing right now.
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00:02:50,784 --> 00:02:52,864
And that's when she went
to the colonel and was like,
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I could totally be a spy for you.
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00:02:54,784 --> 00:02:58,783
I have connects, and, like,
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00:02:58,784 --> 00:03:01,783
when I dress up and [bleep],
those people have no idea who I am.
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00:03:01,784 --> 00:03:04,783
And the colonel was like...
[belches] Excuse me.
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00:03:04,784 --> 00:03:06,384
I got, like, a good
15 minutes left in me
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before the liquor takes over,
and God only knows what I'll say.
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That's great.
[laughs]
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00:03:13,584 --> 00:03:17,583
And so then the colonel was like, yeah,
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00:03:17,584 --> 00:03:19,583
obviously my white ass
can't go down there.
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Absolutely, you can be a spy.
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00:03:20,769 --> 00:03:22,583
You down there, do
what the [bleep] you do.
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So she's like, okay, let me
put on my field hand clothes.
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And she was, like, five
feet tall, so it was very
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easy for her to, like,
blend into the background.
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And she is able to, like,
go to the plantations,
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and she was like, hey, guys, like,
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not to stir up any [bleep] or whatever,
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00:03:38,452 --> 00:03:40,583
but, like, I know y'all
are tired of being slaves.
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I was totally tired of being a slave.
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And none of us have to be
slaves anymore, so, like,
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whoever's down to help the
Union, just let me know.
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So everybody was like, cool.
And then she would go out...
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00:03:51,689 --> 00:03:54,742
she had these friends who were mariners,
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which are basically just, like,
people who work in the water...
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00:03:57,584 --> 00:03:59,583
like, with water [bleep].
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00:03:59,584 --> 00:04:01,464
And she's like, I know
there are mines out here,
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00:04:01,584 --> 00:04:03,865
so let's work together and
find out where this [bleep] is,
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00:04:03,866 --> 00:04:06,583
because I'm a spy,
and I'm gonna get this [bleep].
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00:04:06,584 --> 00:04:08,104
Like, I'm gonna burn this [bleep] down.
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00:04:08,129 --> 00:04:10,583
And so then she went back to
the colonel, and she was like,
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00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:14,583
I have this idea to burn
up all the plantations.
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00:04:14,584 --> 00:04:16,864
Here's all my research,
and you should just let me do it.
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00:04:16,865 --> 00:04:17,864
And the colonel was
like, well, [bleep] it.
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Like, I don't have [bleep] to lose.
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00:04:19,584 --> 00:04:21,664
Like, let's work together
and burn that [bleep] down.
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And so they got together,
and she was like,
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listen, this is about to be...
like, I'm not even about to [bleep] you.
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This is about to be some [bleep].
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00:04:28,584 --> 00:04:30,917
Like, this is about to be,
like, a real stealth operation.
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You [bleep]s have never seen
no [bleep] like this before.
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Like, I got some dope-ass
[bleep] planned out.
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But I need y'all to all be down
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and just do what the [bleep] I say.
I got this [bleep].
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And June 1, 1863... yes.
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On 1863, they begin this raid.
So Harriet Tubman is, like,
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on the Combahee River and [bleep].
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She was like, I'm down for this [bleep].
Like, I'm ready.
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00:04:54,584 --> 00:04:56,583
And so when the raid started, like,
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she knew where the mines and
[bleep] were in the water.
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00:05:00,992 --> 00:05:02,583
She and her team of mariners...
it would have been like,
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00:05:02,584 --> 00:05:04,583
aw, [bleep] that,
aw, [bleep] that.
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00:05:04,584 --> 00:05:06,584
Like, we're not gonna get caught
by your stupid-ass traps,
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00:05:06,585 --> 00:05:07,585
you [bleep] slave owners.
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00:05:07,610 --> 00:05:10,096
And then the owners of the
plantation... these crazy-ass
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racist white people would see
all these black people coming,
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and they'd be like,
what the [bleep] is this?
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What the...
What the... this mic moved.
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- Oh, right. Yeah, yeah.
- Is it still...
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00:05:24,584 --> 00:05:26,478
I'm sorry. I'm focused.
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And they were like, hey,
hey, racist-ass white person.
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00:05:28,729 --> 00:05:32,583
Here's another racist-ass white person
here to warn you that,
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you know, Harriet Tubman is coming
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00:05:33,929 --> 00:05:35,583
with her army full of bad bitches.
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00:05:35,584 --> 00:05:37,583
And so then they would
start shooting and [bleep].
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00:05:37,584 --> 00:05:40,583
But by then, Harriet Tubman was
like, bitch, you're too late.
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00:05:40,584 --> 00:05:42,583
Like, me and my people are already here.
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00:05:42,584 --> 00:05:45,583
And guns back then was [bleep], like,
just basic as [bleep].
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Them guns wasn't doing [bleep].
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00:05:47,584 --> 00:05:49,583
So they would take their torches
and [bleep] and be like, yah!
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And go there... and go in and just
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[bleep] burn these
plantations down and then dip.
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00:05:53,584 --> 00:05:54,744
And then they would go again.
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00:05:54,769 --> 00:05:58,184
Like, this raid, it was 25
miles along the Combahee River.
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00:05:58,209 --> 00:06:02,583
And they're just, like, burning
[bleep] down, freeing slaves,
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00:06:02,584 --> 00:06:05,583
getting on the boat, traveling again,
avoiding the mines.
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00:06:05,584 --> 00:06:09,584
And so at the end of the
day... night... end of the raid,
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00:06:10,368 --> 00:06:14,583
Harriet Tubman was like,
goddamn, I freed 750 slaves.
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00:06:14,584 --> 00:06:15,944
Like, this [bleep] is dope as hell.
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00:06:15,969 --> 00:06:19,583
And her plan... it was the
first military operation
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that was executed and
led by an American woman.
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00:06:24,584 --> 00:06:28,583
And it was planned by a former slave
who could not read or write,
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00:06:28,584 --> 00:06:31,583
who was only five feet tall,
who was both black and a woman.
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00:06:31,584 --> 00:06:33,583
And she still pulled this [bleep] off.
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She helped the Union win the war.
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She freed, like, at least
1,000 slaves in her lifetime.
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00:06:39,584 --> 00:06:40,990
She was just dope as hell.
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God, black people have been
through so much [bleep].
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Black people have been through so much.
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I-I don't know how to
respond to that. [laughs]
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Except... I agree.
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[music]
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I'm sorry. Tell me
your Australian accent?
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00:07:05,629 --> 00:07:06,628
I can't do accents.
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00:07:06,629 --> 00:07:07,628
Can you say "fair
crack of the whip, mate"?
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00:07:07,629 --> 00:07:09,628
And is that saying, like, good job?
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00:07:09,629 --> 00:07:13,628
- No, it's like, give me a fair go.
- Okay.
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00:07:13,629 --> 00:07:17,628
- Fair crip... Fair... grip.
- Crack.
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00:07:17,629 --> 00:07:21,628
- Fair crack of the whip, mate.
- It's not terrible.
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00:07:21,629 --> 00:07:24,628
Fair crack of the whip, mate.
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Believable?
[laughs]
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Where does our story take place?
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It takes place all over the place.
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But the story starts in Baltimore.
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- Are you from Baltimore?
- Bal'more.
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Bal'more.
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00:07:38,429 --> 00:07:39,428
- Yeah.
- Okay.
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00:07:39,429 --> 00:07:41,955
Hello, I'm Claudia O'Doherty,
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00:07:42,011 --> 00:07:45,428
and today we are gonna be
talking about Virginia Hall,
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who was a very good spy.
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00:07:48,179 --> 00:07:51,178
So in 1906, in Baltimore,
Virginia Hall was born.
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00:07:51,179 --> 00:07:54,178
And she's like, I love Europe.
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Maybe I should get a job
for the Foreign Service.
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00:07:56,179 --> 00:07:57,178
I'm very qualified
for that kind of thing
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'cause I'm so smart
and good at languages.
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00:07:59,179 --> 00:08:04,178
And then she takes the entrance
exam for the Foreign Service,
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00:08:04,179 --> 00:08:08,179
but she fails because it's a
very hard exam. She was very sad.
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00:08:09,179 --> 00:08:12,178
When she got the results,
she was like, oh, man.
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00:08:12,179 --> 00:08:15,379
But she said, you know what?
I need to blow off some steam.
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00:08:15,404 --> 00:08:19,178
And then she decided to go to Europe.
And she's having a good time.
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00:08:19,179 --> 00:08:22,178
When she was in Turkey in
1933, though, she was like,
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00:08:22,179 --> 00:08:24,178
hey, friends, let's
go on a hunting trip.
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00:08:24,179 --> 00:08:27,179
And they're just having a very
good time shooting all the animals.
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00:08:27,204 --> 00:08:30,178
And then she's like, I'll
just climb over this wall...
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00:08:30,179 --> 00:08:33,178
or a fence.
I'll just climb over this fence.
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00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:35,178
And she's climbing over,
her legs get caught,
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00:08:35,179 --> 00:08:37,179
and she shot her left foot off.
Ow.
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00:08:37,180 --> 00:08:39,178
- Ahh.
- Mm-hmm.
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00:08:39,289 --> 00:08:41,289
And she gets fitted with
a custom prosthetic leg.
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00:08:42,289 --> 00:08:43,529
And she called her leg Cuthbert.
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00:08:43,554 --> 00:08:45,288
- Cuff bit?
- Cuthbert.
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00:08:45,289 --> 00:08:47,369
- Cuthbert.
- That's what she calls it.
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00:08:47,394 --> 00:08:50,058
And then what happens?
World War II.
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00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:53,188
And she's like,
hmm, huh, not cool.
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00:08:53,223 --> 00:08:55,755
But anyway, I know what
I'll do. I'll sign up to
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00:08:55,756 --> 00:08:58,288
be an ambulance driver
for the ambulance corps.
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00:08:58,289 --> 00:09:02,288
That's a very dangerous
job in Paris in 1939,
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00:09:02,289 --> 00:09:04,288
and she is like, I don't even care.
196
00:09:04,289 --> 00:09:08,160
So then she goes to London.
She goes to a dinner party,
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00:09:08,289 --> 00:09:12,288
and the dinner party's in a
bomb shelter during an air raid.
198
00:09:12,289 --> 00:09:14,169
So she's having a good
time at the dinner party,
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00:09:14,194 --> 00:09:16,194
and she meets this
woman named Vera Atkins,
200
00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:20,288
who is like, ooh, this
woman could be of use to us.
201
00:09:20,289 --> 00:09:22,288
So she says to Virginia, by the way,
202
00:09:22,289 --> 00:09:27,288
I work for SOE:
Secret Operations Executive.
203
00:09:27,289 --> 00:09:29,288
It's a British spy gang.
204
00:09:29,289 --> 00:09:31,169
And she brings in this
big, handsome French guy,
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00:09:31,194 --> 00:09:34,288
and he says, would you
like to be a spy for us?
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00:09:34,289 --> 00:09:36,329
And Virginia is like, yes,
that would be incredible.
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00:09:36,354 --> 00:09:39,288
So she goes back to France,
and she assumes a new identity.
208
00:09:39,289 --> 00:09:41,288
And she's just, like, a
really nice journalist.
209
00:09:41,289 --> 00:09:44,793
But actually, she's organizing
the French Resistance.
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00:09:44,875 --> 00:09:47,288
So she's supplying weapons,
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00:09:47,289 --> 00:09:50,288
supplying money, organizing guys.
212
00:09:50,289 --> 00:09:54,288
She's also organizing
escapes from prison camps.
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00:09:54,289 --> 00:09:57,166
She is just causing such
trouble for the Germans.
214
00:09:57,289 --> 00:10:00,288
And they're hearing
rumors about this woman
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00:10:00,289 --> 00:10:01,889
who was organizing
the French Resistance.
216
00:10:01,914 --> 00:10:04,601
And they didn't know who
she was, but they knew that
217
00:10:04,602 --> 00:10:07,288
she had a limp, which was
embarrassing for Virginia,
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00:10:07,289 --> 00:10:09,009
'cause she didn't think
she did have a limp,
219
00:10:09,034 --> 00:10:12,034
so that's a very sad part of
the story, right? [chuckles]
220
00:10:12,289 --> 00:10:15,288
And the head of the
Gestapo is Klaus Barbie,
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00:10:15,289 --> 00:10:16,849
who's also known as the
Butcher of Lyon.
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00:10:16,874 --> 00:10:21,136
And he's like, what I wouldn't give
to get my hands on
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00:10:21,137 --> 00:10:24,288
- the neck of that bitch.
- [Derek] You said bitch.
224
00:10:24,289 --> 00:10:28,288
Yeah, but he was a bad guy,
so he used terrible language.
225
00:10:28,289 --> 00:10:30,288
So everybody's looking for her now.
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00:10:30,289 --> 00:10:32,863
There are "Wanted" posters
with her likeness on them.
227
00:10:32,889 --> 00:10:35,049
They're like, look out
for this limping lady.
228
00:10:35,074 --> 00:10:37,288
And she's like, excuse
me, I don't even limp.
229
00:10:37,289 --> 00:10:39,288
But she probably... anyway.
230
00:10:39,289 --> 00:10:40,769
So she's like, how am I gonna get out?
231
00:10:40,770 --> 00:10:42,410
I can't go through
any of the checkpoints.
232
00:10:42,435 --> 00:10:44,288
So because she's got no other option,
233
00:10:44,289 --> 00:10:48,288
she hikes over the
snowy Pyrenees Mountains
234
00:10:48,289 --> 00:10:51,288
with one leg, and she gets out of there.
235
00:10:51,289 --> 00:10:55,288
But then who's entered the war?
The Americans.
236
00:10:55,289 --> 00:10:56,288
And they're like,
we're looking for spies,
237
00:10:56,289 --> 00:10:58,288
and she's like,
hello, I'm a very good spy.
238
00:10:58,289 --> 00:11:00,288
And they're like, great,
239
00:11:00,289 --> 00:11:03,288
but you're gonna need
a really good disguise.
240
00:11:03,289 --> 00:11:06,649
And so she dyed her hair gray,
put on two skirts and two sweaters,
241
00:11:06,674 --> 00:11:09,288
and she had her fillings changed
242
00:11:09,289 --> 00:11:12,288
so she had French fillings
rather than American fillings.
243
00:11:12,289 --> 00:11:16,288
- She looks like Mrs. Doubtfire.
- Exactly.
244
00:11:16,289 --> 00:11:18,612
And also, she shuffled so she
didn't have a limp anymore.
245
00:11:18,718 --> 00:11:21,344
So then she goes back into France,
246
00:11:21,379 --> 00:11:24,288
and she's just delivering
cheese everywhere.
247
00:11:24,289 --> 00:11:25,689
But actually, she is wreaking havoc.
248
00:11:25,714 --> 00:11:28,288
She's blowing up bridges,
249
00:11:28,289 --> 00:11:30,288
blowing up train lines,
cutting telephone lines,
250
00:11:30,289 --> 00:11:32,288
but it's very dangerous.
251
00:11:32,289 --> 00:11:34,169
The whole time, the
Germans are looking for her.
252
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:38,288
- And then the war ended.
- That's kind of good.
253
00:11:38,289 --> 00:11:40,288
So that was good.
254
00:11:40,289 --> 00:11:44,288
So then Truman is like,
I'm gonna give you a medal.
255
00:11:44,289 --> 00:11:48,288
And it is called the
Distinguished Services Cross.
256
00:11:48,289 --> 00:11:52,288
So she gets the award, and she goes,
you know what I'd like to do now?
257
00:11:52,289 --> 00:11:55,288
I'd like to finally join the Foreign
Service like I've always wanted.
258
00:11:55,289 --> 00:11:57,288
And they're like, budgetary cutbacks.
259
00:11:57,289 --> 00:11:59,288
You can't be in the Foreign Service.
260
00:11:59,289 --> 00:12:03,288
But we've got this new organization.
Would you mind joining that?
261
00:12:03,289 --> 00:12:05,288
And that turned out to be the CIA.
262
00:12:05,289 --> 00:12:09,288
And so she's the first
woman to ever be recognized
263
00:12:09,289 --> 00:12:12,288
as a member of the CIA's career staff.
264
00:12:12,289 --> 00:12:16,288
So Virginia Hall was a
true legend, and she didn't
265
00:12:16,289 --> 00:12:20,288
let anybody tell her what
she could and couldn't do.
266
00:12:20,289 --> 00:12:23,288
Not bad for a girl from Bal'more.
267
00:12:23,289 --> 00:12:27,449
Stay tuned for more
"Drunk History: Spies."
268
00:12:27,554 --> 00:12:28,697
[laughs]
269
00:12:29,149 --> 00:12:31,148
[patriotic music]
270
00:12:31,149 --> 00:12:32,269
Here's Roald [bleep] Dahl.
271
00:12:32,294 --> 00:12:36,148
Ladies were just going nuts for him.
So they [bleep] a lot,
272
00:12:36,149 --> 00:12:38,949
and he got so much information
through so much of his dick.
273
00:12:43,428 --> 00:12:47,808
So what I was thinking is,
I want to spy on this bar
274
00:12:47,833 --> 00:12:49,687
so no one's gonna know who I am.
275
00:12:49,688 --> 00:12:52,687
- All right. Let's do this.
- Let's do it.
276
00:12:52,688 --> 00:12:55,687
[suspenseful music]
277
00:13:01,138 --> 00:13:03,137
[bleep] "Drunk History."
278
00:13:03,138 --> 00:13:06,138
[crowd chattering]
279
00:13:08,664 --> 00:13:10,090
Where are you from?
280
00:13:12,782 --> 00:13:17,138
Originally from Tennessee.
Have you ever seen this program?
281
00:13:19,138 --> 00:13:21,138
Is it... Is it funny?
282
00:13:23,138 --> 00:13:25,138
Doesn't sound... I've seen, like...
283
00:13:28,138 --> 00:13:32,138
On, like, a scale of one
to ten, ten being funny...
284
00:13:36,138 --> 00:13:39,137
I like Jeff Dunham. You
know, with the puppets?
285
00:13:39,138 --> 00:13:42,137
That light's real bright.
286
00:13:42,138 --> 00:13:43,898
You just have to put
your arm down, though.
287
00:13:43,923 --> 00:13:45,137
That's the only thing.
288
00:13:45,138 --> 00:13:47,137
What makes an amazing spy?
289
00:13:47,138 --> 00:13:53,137
In order to be a spy,
you have to be... silent.
290
00:13:53,138 --> 00:13:56,637
And sometimes people end up
trusting you and tell you information
291
00:13:56,638 --> 00:14:00,137
that they otherwise wouldn't
tell you if you were a spy.
292
00:14:00,138 --> 00:14:01,458
Awesome.
Thank you guys so much.
293
00:14:01,483 --> 00:14:03,137
We get pay?
Do we get paid?
294
00:14:03,138 --> 00:14:08,137
What do you guys want us to say now?
295
00:14:08,138 --> 00:14:09,138
All right.
296
00:14:11,138 --> 00:14:14,137
Holy [bleep].
It's D Money.
297
00:14:14,138 --> 00:14:18,818
This is Mission: Impossible 5: D Money."
298
00:14:22,838 --> 00:14:25,837
- [Derek] Lucius.
- Yes.
299
00:14:25,838 --> 00:14:28,837
- Please grab that glass.
- What glass?
300
00:14:28,838 --> 00:14:34,837
It's called balance.
Remember this?
301
00:14:34,838 --> 00:14:36,440
Whatever. You can be
as drunk as you want.
302
00:14:36,475 --> 00:14:37,837
See? Look. You think
that's gonna go down.
303
00:14:37,838 --> 00:14:40,838
- Grab it.
- It's so not. No, no, no.
304
00:14:40,863 --> 00:14:42,837
You think "grab it." No.
305
00:14:42,838 --> 00:14:44,398
It's making me...
it's freaking me out.
306
00:14:44,423 --> 00:14:46,837
No. I know. Remember this?
307
00:14:46,838 --> 00:14:48,837
No. Why do you keep
saying do I remember that?
308
00:14:48,838 --> 00:14:49,837
[laughs]
309
00:14:49,838 --> 00:14:51,398
Why the [bleep]
would I remember that?
310
00:14:51,838 --> 00:14:54,838
Do I remember my hands?
Sure.
311
00:14:56,058 --> 00:14:57,138
My name is Lucius Dillon.
312
00:14:57,163 --> 00:15:00,057
Today we're gonna talk
about Roald Dahl...
313
00:15:00,058 --> 00:15:03,757
[blows raspberry]
and his life as a British spy.
314
00:15:03,858 --> 00:15:06,858
World War II, Roald Dahl was
a fighter pilot for the RAF,
315
00:15:07,858 --> 00:15:10,138
the Royal Air Force.
And he loved fighting them Nazis,
316
00:15:10,858 --> 00:15:12,857
and he's like, aww, this is great.
317
00:15:12,858 --> 00:15:16,857
And so he had to go and
fly to a base in the desert.
318
00:15:16,858 --> 00:15:20,857
He ran out of gas, hit the
ground at 75 miles an hour,
319
00:15:20,858 --> 00:15:23,857
cracked his skull.
He had to drag himself out of the plane
320
00:15:23,858 --> 00:15:26,566
before the gas tanks exploded.
321
00:15:27,858 --> 00:15:32,857
So he was pretty much was, like,
invalided out of the Royal Air Force.
322
00:15:32,858 --> 00:15:34,857
But then a famous author,
C.S. Forester,
323
00:15:34,858 --> 00:15:36,757
wanted to interview him about his crash.
324
00:15:36,778 --> 00:15:39,718
Dahl was like, okay, you know what?
My mind's a little spotty.
325
00:15:39,743 --> 00:15:42,677
Let me just write down
some notes for you.
326
00:15:42,678 --> 00:15:45,677
Forester's like, okay,
send it to me later.
327
00:15:45,678 --> 00:15:48,298
So Dahl sat down to kind
of write it, and his mind
328
00:15:48,299 --> 00:15:50,918
was kind of muddled because
he went through a crash.
329
00:15:50,943 --> 00:15:52,577
But he wrote, like, a really good story,
330
00:15:52,678 --> 00:15:55,577
sent it to Forester,
and Forester wrote back and was like,
331
00:15:55,678 --> 00:15:58,577
okay, look, you were
supposed to give me notes,
332
00:15:58,678 --> 00:16:01,677
not write a full [bleep] story.
333
00:16:01,678 --> 00:16:05,677
This... this is great.
This is amazing.
334
00:16:05,678 --> 00:16:07,677
I'm not changing a word.
335
00:16:07,678 --> 00:16:09,918
I'm sending this straight to
"The Saturday Evening Post."
336
00:16:09,943 --> 00:16:12,677
So that got sent, and it
was actually really popular.
337
00:16:12,678 --> 00:16:15,677
He realized, like, okay, I
can tear a pretty good yarn,
338
00:16:15,678 --> 00:16:19,677
or, I don't know if that's
the right term, but... [laughs]
339
00:16:19,678 --> 00:16:20,918
I can write a pretty good story.
340
00:16:20,943 --> 00:16:24,943
[sputtering and squeaking]
341
00:16:26,678 --> 00:16:29,677
See? You got to tickle it.
You got to know...
342
00:16:29,678 --> 00:16:30,677
[giggles]
Just keep going.
343
00:16:30,678 --> 00:16:32,677
He was the talk of the town,
344
00:16:32,678 --> 00:16:34,677
and so he was invited to
a lot of these parties.
345
00:16:34,678 --> 00:16:37,677
And he met up with a really cool guy
called Bill Stephenson.
346
00:16:37,678 --> 00:16:41,677
And Bill Stephenson's like,
hey, what's going on with you?
347
00:16:41,678 --> 00:16:44,677
And Dahl's just like, I
want to help out England.
348
00:16:44,678 --> 00:16:46,677
I didn't bust my nuff...
349
00:16:46,678 --> 00:16:49,677
I didn't bust my nut enough in England.
350
00:16:49,678 --> 00:16:50,838
And I still didn't do enough.
351
00:16:50,839 --> 00:16:54,677
Stephenson was like, well, I-I...
there is other stuff you can do.
352
00:16:54,678 --> 00:16:58,677
So Dahl was hired into
a dark propaganda section
353
00:16:58,678 --> 00:16:59,677
referred to as the BSC,
354
00:16:59,678 --> 00:17:01,677
which stands for
British Security Council.
355
00:17:01,678 --> 00:17:03,677
And a lot of other people were hired:
356
00:17:03,678 --> 00:17:05,678
Noel Coward, who was a
famous playwright and actor,
357
00:17:05,703 --> 00:17:08,677
and also Ian Fleming,
who some people might know
358
00:17:08,678 --> 00:17:10,677
as James [bleep] Bond.
359
00:17:10,678 --> 00:17:13,677
And Stephenson was like,
let's put you into some good
360
00:17:13,678 --> 00:17:16,677
political parties, and meet
everyone you [bleep] can
361
00:17:16,678 --> 00:17:18,677
and report everything back to us.
362
00:17:18,678 --> 00:17:19,677
He was like, okay.
363
00:17:19,678 --> 00:17:23,677
So here's Roald [bleep] Dahl,
tall, handsome [bleep],
364
00:17:23,678 --> 00:17:26,677
long-ass face,
eloquent-ass tongue.
365
00:17:26,678 --> 00:17:28,238
But every time when he was at the party,
366
00:17:28,263 --> 00:17:30,677
like, he'd be eavesdropping
on newspaper people,
367
00:17:30,678 --> 00:17:32,677
politicians and secretly just, like,
368
00:17:32,678 --> 00:17:35,677
scribbling, you know, little
things on, like, napkins
369
00:17:35,678 --> 00:17:37,677
and reporting it to England.
370
00:17:37,678 --> 00:17:41,677
He would also get into finding
information through pillow talk.
371
00:17:41,678 --> 00:17:44,677
So he had a list of ladies
that he would go through,
372
00:17:44,678 --> 00:17:47,677
like Cissy Patterson had her claws
373
00:17:47,678 --> 00:17:50,677
into the "Washington Herald-Times,"
374
00:17:50,678 --> 00:17:52,677
and she's like, you
want to see the boudoir?
375
00:17:52,678 --> 00:17:53,718
And he's like, yes please.
376
00:17:53,743 --> 00:17:55,677
So he [bleep] the [bleep]
out of her for a while
377
00:17:55,678 --> 00:17:57,358
and got whatever
information that he could.
378
00:17:57,383 --> 00:17:59,677
Then he went to Evalyn McLean.
379
00:17:59,678 --> 00:18:03,223
She knew every politician in the world,
so they [bleep] a lot.
380
00:18:03,678 --> 00:18:05,677
So he met Claire Booth Luce.
381
00:18:05,678 --> 00:18:09,677
She was a congresswoman,
and they [bleep].
382
00:18:09,678 --> 00:18:13,677
And he got so much information
through so much of his dick.
383
00:18:13,678 --> 00:18:16,677
But after a while, and
this is an exact quote,
384
00:18:16,678 --> 00:18:18,558
like, he called Ambassador
Halifax and was like,
385
00:18:18,678 --> 00:18:21,677
look, I am [bleep] out, okay?
386
00:18:21,678 --> 00:18:22,958
This goddamn woman has [bleep] me
387
00:18:22,983 --> 00:18:24,677
from one end of the room to the other.
388
00:18:24,678 --> 00:18:26,677
I'm done. I can't do it.
I'm squirting dust.
389
00:18:26,678 --> 00:18:31,677
And the ambassador's like, just
close your eyes and think of England.
390
00:18:31,678 --> 00:18:34,677
And Dahl's like, great, okay.
I guess I will.
391
00:18:34,678 --> 00:18:38,677
- Get your chin off my neck.
- I'm just... no, it's...
392
00:18:38,678 --> 00:18:41,677
No, that wasn't... my
chin wasn't on you at all.
393
00:18:41,678 --> 00:18:43,318
I feel like we're laying on two Muppets.
394
00:18:43,343 --> 00:18:44,677
[laughs]
395
00:18:44,678 --> 00:18:46,677
Yes. [coughs]
396
00:18:46,678 --> 00:18:49,677
Oh, Jesus. Is this your death scene?
397
00:18:49,678 --> 00:18:51,677
If you die on the show, we're [bleep].
398
00:18:51,678 --> 00:18:54,678
[suspenseful music]
399
00:18:59,939 --> 00:19:02,739
- I'm not puking enough.
- You don't need to puke.
400
00:19:02,764 --> 00:19:03,738
[glasses clink]
401
00:19:03,739 --> 00:19:03,739
[bleep], I got to drink this.
402
00:19:03,740 --> 00:19:07,738
- I gotta drink this.
- No! [groans]
403
00:19:07,739 --> 00:19:12,405
Ooh. How have you
had this much of that?
404
00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:14,738
I've had seven glasses of this.
405
00:19:14,739 --> 00:19:17,738
Okay, so FDR is in his third term.
406
00:19:17,739 --> 00:19:20,738
Britain was like,
okay, he's getting old.
407
00:19:20,739 --> 00:19:22,099
We are worried that he's gonna die,
408
00:19:22,100 --> 00:19:23,099
because he's our biggest
supporter right now.
409
00:19:23,100 --> 00:19:26,738
You need to let us know
everything that's wrong with him.
410
00:19:26,739 --> 00:19:28,738
And he's like, yeah, I'll be right over.
411
00:19:28,739 --> 00:19:31,738
Uhh,
and now I'm here, right now.
412
00:19:31,739 --> 00:19:34,738
And so, luckily,
Eleanor Roosevelt is like,
413
00:19:34,739 --> 00:19:39,738
hey, I'm a big fan of yours,
so meet my husband.
414
00:19:39,739 --> 00:19:41,738
And he's like, oh, yeah,
nice to meet you, FDR.
415
00:19:41,739 --> 00:19:44,738
Nice to meet you too, Roald Dahl.
416
00:19:44,739 --> 00:19:47,738
And they have a lovely time.
They drink a lot.
417
00:19:47,739 --> 00:19:50,738
So he took note of everything,
wrote it all in a 12-page document,
418
00:19:50,739 --> 00:19:54,738
and it worked out very
well until FDR died.
419
00:19:54,739 --> 00:19:55,738
And then the war ended,
420
00:19:55,739 --> 00:19:59,738
and Dahl's life as a spy was over.
421
00:19:59,739 --> 00:20:02,738
He was like, [bleep], what can I do now?
422
00:20:02,739 --> 00:20:03,738
He's like, well, I need to make a buck,
423
00:20:03,739 --> 00:20:05,738
so let me just go for
the easy money and just...
424
00:20:05,739 --> 00:20:09,738
I'll just write some [bleep]
children's novels. That'll be great.
425
00:20:09,739 --> 00:20:13,324
So he wrote "James and the Giant Peach,"
which was amazing.
426
00:20:13,739 --> 00:20:16,238
And then in the same year,
he wrote "Charlie and
427
00:20:16,239 --> 00:20:18,738
the Chocolate Factory," which,
holy [bleep], was the best.
428
00:20:18,739 --> 00:20:20,779
And he wrote "Charlie and
the Great Glass Elevator,"
429
00:20:20,804 --> 00:20:23,738
wrote "The Witches,"
wrote "The BFG,"
430
00:20:23,739 --> 00:20:25,738
wrote "Fantastic Mr. Fox."
431
00:20:25,739 --> 00:20:27,738
He's hands down, [bleep] Dr. Seuss,
432
00:20:27,739 --> 00:20:32,396
the greatest children's
author of all time.
433
00:20:32,422 --> 00:20:33,739
And he was a [bleep] spy!
434
00:20:33,764 --> 00:20:36,738
Literally, a [bleep] spy.
435
00:20:36,739 --> 00:20:40,738
And because of his dick,
England was a better place.
436
00:20:40,739 --> 00:20:43,739
I enjoy jay-drinking.
I enjoy drinking with you.
437
00:20:43,764 --> 00:20:47,738
- "Jay-drinking?"
- I enjoy day-drinking.
438
00:20:47,739 --> 00:20:49,398
And you're continuing.
439
00:20:49,739 --> 00:20:51,739
[patriotic music]
440
00:21:01,375 --> 00:21:04,593
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
441
00:21:08,756 --> 00:21:10,496
Back before they had
cures for STDs
442
00:21:10,497 --> 00:21:12,617
and y'all would just [bleep]
anything that would walk,
443
00:21:12,642 --> 00:21:14,055
- Mhm.
- ...you would go to the doctor,
444
00:21:14,056 --> 00:21:15,863
and you would be like,
hey, my dick hurts.
445
00:21:15,898 --> 00:21:18,055
And the doctor would be like,
all right, put your dick on the table.
446
00:21:18,056 --> 00:21:21,002
And they took a rubber hammer
and just hammered at your dick,
447
00:21:21,037 --> 00:21:23,907
- and the infection would fly out.
- Rubber hammer?
448
00:21:23,957 --> 00:21:28,507
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