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Allan Pinkerton was like,
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everybody wants to [Bleep] kill Lincoln.
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You hold on to your panties.
4
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Somebody asks, is the flag still there?
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And Francis Scott Key is like,
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yeah, it's still there.
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It's way [Bleep] there.
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Man, I'm [Bleep] drunk.
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I got to drink more.
10
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Edgar Allan Poe, he's
going from town to town,
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and being like, hey, what's up, guys?
12
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You guys know about Rufus Griswold, right?
13
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He is a holographic piece of [Bleep].
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Holograms don't even exist yet,
15
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and I'm calling him a [Bleep] hologram.
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[Patriotic music]
17
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?
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[People cheering]
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Hey, meatball. Oh, my God.
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This is a great reunion.
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Whoo!
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B-more.
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- I'm from Baltimore.
- Right.
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And this place means so much to me.
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How do you tell people what is Baltimore?
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It's... it's like a old, comfortable shoe.
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It's a little scuffed up around the edges,
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but don't polish that,
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because the... the scuff has a story.
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Cheers to Baltimore.
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Cheers to Baltimore.
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Baltimore is crabs, Natty Boh, and old bay.
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If you pay me eight
bucks, I'll snort old bay,
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which I did last weekend.
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It's Baltimore, [Bleep] Maryland.
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It's amazing.
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Aw, man. This [Bleep] story.
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I'm gonna [Bleep] punch you in the balls
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with this story.
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Emotionally.
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Seth, take your shirt off,
42
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and open up another
bottle of wine for mommy.
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[Laughs]
44
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Hello.
45
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Today we are going to talk
about the Baltimore Plot.
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November, 1860.
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Abraham Lincoln is elected
48
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as the 16th president of
the United States of America.
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He was like, these states in the south,
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they don't want me to be president.
51
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And they want to secede and stuff.
52
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So I'm gonna take a
whistle stop tour to D.C.,
53
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and I'm gonna wave at people.
54
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Meanwhile, Allan Pinkerton was hired
55
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to be Lincoln's private security force.
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Pinkerton runs the Pinkerton
National Detective Agency.
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Pinkerton starts finding out,
58
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oh, [Bleep].
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There is all these threats
against Abraham Lincoln.
60
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Pinkerton put together
his, like, dream team.
61
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He's got Harry Davies,
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this brilliant guy who
speaks several languages.
63
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And Kate Warne,
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the first female detective
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00:03:01,906 --> 00:03:04,040
in the history of the United States.
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Pinkerton's like,
67
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everybody wants to [Bleep] kill Lincoln.
68
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So they go undercover in Baltimore,
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in the Barnum Hotel,
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pretending to be Southern.
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Like, how do you do, sir?
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And getting intel, like,
73
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what is your political
affiliation, if I may ask?
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I'm not trying to press you,
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but I am a lady of the south,
76
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and I need to know that
I'm, uh, fraternizing
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with people I can trust.
78
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All right, I'm actually leaning.
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Are you okay?
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I started to lean.
81
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- That's okay.
- No, it's all right.
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It's just...
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Where do I... wha...
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So they discovered this
guy, Cipriano Ferrandini.
85
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He's a beady-eyed Corsican barber
86
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who wanted to kill Lincoln.
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Ferrandini gathers together
88
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all of these Southern
rebels into this hideout.
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Davies gets in on the Ferrandini meeting.
90
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And Ferrandini, he's holding up a scimitar.
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00:04:07,433 --> 00:04:11,803
And he says, moth!
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And he was like,
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in this hat,
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or bowl, or bucket, or whatever,
95
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there is a card...
96
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I'm gonna burp. Excuse me.
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With a red dot on it.
98
00:04:23,129 --> 00:04:25,029
And whoever gets the red dot,
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you're gonna kill Lincoln.
100
00:04:27,212 --> 00:04:30,680
Davies is like, oh, [Bleep] me.
101
00:04:30,692 --> 00:04:32,158
Now, we really have a problem...
102
00:04:32,165 --> 00:04:36,301
to himself, quietly,
because he's undercover.
103
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Lincoln lands in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.
104
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Pinkerton goes to him, and says,
105
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we got to get you the [Bleep] out of here
106
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a day before they're gonna kill you, so...
107
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he took off his little pop-tart hat,
108
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or whatever that was.
109
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Uh, what was it called?
110
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A pop... popeye, popeye...
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it was a called a...
112
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his hat, it was a stovepipe.
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Lincoln says, sorry, stovepipe.
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I got to be incognito. I'll see you soon.
115
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They sneak him out to the train.
116
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People can see him, but
they don't know it's him,
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because he's wearing a beanie and a shawl.
118
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Kate Warne is like,
119
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I need to get my invalid
brother into the train.
120
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They get on the train.
121
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"Zu-di-di-doo, di-di-doo."
122
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Lincoln is on a train into
D.C. to become the president.
123
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So Pinkerton had to get Lincoln
124
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through Baltimore early to get to D.C.
125
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Without being killed,
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because there are assassins in Baltimore
127
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waiting for Lincoln to
show up at, like, noon.
128
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They get to president
station, Baltimore, Maryland,
129
00:05:43,348 --> 00:05:45,683
at 3:30 in the morning.
130
00:05:45,692 --> 00:05:46,691
And the conductor's like,
131
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we have to stop,
132
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because there's a sound ordinance.
133
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Pinkerton's like, what the [Bleep]?
134
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There's a [Bleep] sound ordinance?
135
00:05:54,191 --> 00:05:55,857
What the [Bleep] am I gonna do?
136
00:05:55,864 --> 00:05:57,663
Okay. I'll tell you what we'll do.
137
00:05:57,671 --> 00:05:59,304
We'll get some [Bleep] horses.
138
00:05:59,311 --> 00:06:01,846
[Laughs]
139
00:06:01,856 --> 00:06:06,558
So they hook up this train car to horses,
140
00:06:06,574 --> 00:06:11,778
and drag the train car on
the tracks through Baltimore.
141
00:06:11,796 --> 00:06:14,663
They get to Camden Street Station,
142
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where they're supposed to pick up
143
00:06:15,778 --> 00:06:18,211
the Washington-Bound train.
144
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No train. Train's late.
145
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So they sat there.
146
00:06:22,839 --> 00:06:25,807
It's basically assassins everywhere.
147
00:06:25,818 --> 00:06:27,784
And they could hear people saying,
148
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this [Bleep] Lincoln is a piece of [Bleep].
149
00:06:30,268 --> 00:06:32,435
The south will rise.
150
00:06:32,444 --> 00:06:34,611
Pinkerton's like, if these guys find out
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00:06:34,619 --> 00:06:37,219
that we're in here with
Lincoln, we're dead.
152
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We're all of us dead.
153
00:06:38,903 --> 00:06:41,236
You hold on to your panties.
154
00:06:41,245 --> 00:06:44,780
[Laughing]
155
00:06:44,793 --> 00:06:47,193
No, he would not have... all right.
156
00:06:47,202 --> 00:06:48,501
Okay.
157
00:06:48,507 --> 00:06:51,842
The Washington-Bound
train finally shows up.
158
00:06:51,855 --> 00:06:54,789
And at 6:00 A.M., February 23rd,
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Abraham Lincoln arrives in Washington D.C.,
160
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and they successfully averted
161
00:07:00,489 --> 00:07:03,156
the assassination attempt.
162
00:07:03,166 --> 00:07:06,567
And the Pinkerton National Detective Agency
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has existed for 163 years
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since that time.
165
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Moth.
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00:07:16,118 --> 00:07:17,551
Look.
167
00:07:17,557 --> 00:07:19,056
- Oh.
- Oh.
168
00:07:19,063 --> 00:07:19,994
Son of a...
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Oh, no.
170
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Moth!
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00:07:33,229 --> 00:07:35,531
There's actually a huge
tradition in Baltimore
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of live action role-playing.
173
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I am Skip Lipman.
174
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When I larp,
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I'm banner of Laconia.
176
00:07:43,605 --> 00:07:45,237
Uh, I'm Craig.
177
00:07:45,244 --> 00:07:47,044
My battle name is Crog.
178
00:07:47,051 --> 00:07:49,251
I decided to go with Emoticon.
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00:07:49,260 --> 00:07:51,595
I'm in search of my wife, Emoji.
180
00:07:51,604 --> 00:07:53,069
She's out there somewhere.
181
00:07:53,075 --> 00:07:54,208
L.O.L.
182
00:07:54,214 --> 00:07:55,480
[Laughter]
183
00:07:55,486 --> 00:07:59,388
So you really want to, like, swing, right?
184
00:07:59,401 --> 00:08:01,934
[Horn blares]
185
00:08:07,365 --> 00:08:10,267
Ah! Right in my dick.
186
00:08:10,278 --> 00:08:11,343
[Groans]
187
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You have to lay on the cold ground.
188
00:08:13,624 --> 00:08:16,758
You got me in the dick, skip.
189
00:08:16,770 --> 00:08:20,772
? Whose bright lights
and bright stars ?
190
00:08:20,786 --> 00:08:22,852
? through this pe... ?
191
00:08:22,860 --> 00:08:23,892
And now, what are we doing now?
192
00:08:23,897 --> 00:08:25,030
Keep going, keep going.
193
00:08:25,036 --> 00:08:26,603
All right. That's enough of that.
194
00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:32,255
I'm done.
195
00:08:32,266 --> 00:08:34,666
Hello.
196
00:08:34,675 --> 00:08:39,378
Today, we're gonna talk
about Francis Scott Key,
197
00:08:39,394 --> 00:08:42,295
the man who wrote the n...
198
00:08:42,306 --> 00:08:46,541
American national anthem,
the Star-Spangled Banner.
199
00:08:46,556 --> 00:08:48,223
[Laughs]
200
00:08:48,230 --> 00:08:50,062
Francis Scott Key,
201
00:08:50,069 --> 00:08:53,036
a very prominent lawyer in Baltimore
202
00:08:53,047 --> 00:08:56,349
during the 1812 war.
203
00:08:56,361 --> 00:08:59,795
One night, his brother-in-law
shows up, and he says,
204
00:08:59,808 --> 00:09:03,076
Francis, the Honorable Dr. Beanes
205
00:09:03,088 --> 00:09:07,123
has been taken captive
on a British warship.
206
00:09:07,137 --> 00:09:12,374
Dr. Beanes is a very upstanding
member of the community.
207
00:09:12,392 --> 00:09:15,092
He helped everybody. [Laughs]
208
00:09:15,102 --> 00:09:16,869
- He's Dr. Beanes.
- He's Dr. Beanes.
209
00:09:16,876 --> 00:09:18,608
He's amazing.
210
00:09:18,616 --> 00:09:22,352
Francis Scott Key goes to
President James Madison,
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00:09:22,365 --> 00:09:25,132
who was the president at the time.
212
00:09:25,142 --> 00:09:30,679
He says, listen, the Honorable
Dr. Beanes has been kidnapped.
213
00:09:30,698 --> 00:09:32,664
President James Madison is like,
214
00:09:32,672 --> 00:09:37,509
the... it's like a terrible... like, yeah.
215
00:09:37,526 --> 00:09:41,395
Obviously, you got to
do something about this.
216
00:09:41,408 --> 00:09:44,308
[Laughing]
217
00:09:44,319 --> 00:09:48,488
And so he hooks him up
with a guy named Ja...
218
00:09:48,503 --> 00:09:52,404
John Skinner, a prisoner exchange agent.
219
00:09:52,418 --> 00:09:55,019
And they set sail to
the British headquarters,
220
00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:57,529
which is a [Bleep] boat.
221
00:09:57,539 --> 00:10:01,941
Under the control of Vice "Admirable... "
222
00:10:01,956 --> 00:10:03,588
uh, Vice "Admirable"...
223
00:10:03,595 --> 00:10:04,728
uh, f... sorry.
224
00:10:04,734 --> 00:10:08,802
Admiral a... oh, okay, let's back up.
225
00:10:08,816 --> 00:10:11,617
Vice Admiral Alexander Cochrane.
226
00:10:11,628 --> 00:10:13,362
Man, I'm [Bleep] drunk.
227
00:10:13,369 --> 00:10:16,002
I got to drink more.
228
00:10:16,012 --> 00:10:19,647
The British wine them, and they dine them,
229
00:10:19,660 --> 00:10:21,727
and Key and Skinner and were like,
230
00:10:21,735 --> 00:10:25,603
you've got this frail, old doctor man
231
00:10:25,617 --> 00:10:29,952
sitting in his cell or whatever.
232
00:10:29,967 --> 00:10:33,402
It's like, let the guy go, you know?
233
00:10:33,414 --> 00:10:35,381
They made a really good case.
234
00:10:35,389 --> 00:10:37,656
And Major General Ross was like,
235
00:10:37,665 --> 00:10:38,664
sounds good.
236
00:10:38,669 --> 00:10:40,902
Let's let Dr. Beanes go.
237
00:10:40,911 --> 00:10:43,279
They wined and dined a little bit more.
238
00:10:43,288 --> 00:10:47,990
Eventually, Key and Skinner hear
some British soldiers saying,
239
00:10:48,006 --> 00:10:49,906
you know what?
240
00:10:49,914 --> 00:10:54,883
Next week, we're gonna
be attacking Baltimore.
241
00:10:54,900 --> 00:10:57,334
We're gonna be attacking Baltimore.
242
00:10:57,344 --> 00:11:01,113
And they saw maps and plans
243
00:11:01,126 --> 00:11:03,559
of how they were gonna do it.
244
00:11:03,568 --> 00:11:07,169
Cochrane tells Key and Skinner,
245
00:11:07,182 --> 00:11:09,949
you know too much.
246
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:11,927
You know too much.
247
00:11:11,935 --> 00:11:14,803
He and Skinner were held
prisoner for a full week.
248
00:11:14,813 --> 00:11:17,113
They would tease them and say things like,
249
00:11:17,122 --> 00:11:21,524
hey, I hope you take a good
look at that flag over there,
250
00:11:21,540 --> 00:11:24,741
because, um, it's not gonna be there.
251
00:11:24,752 --> 00:11:27,185
'Cause it's gonna be gone.
252
00:11:27,195 --> 00:11:28,794
[Laughs] Sorry.
253
00:11:28,801 --> 00:11:31,836
Francis Scott Key is thinking...
254
00:11:31,847 --> 00:11:35,215
[sighs] Well, this sucks.
255
00:11:35,227 --> 00:11:37,094
Oh, wait, no. That's
your... that's your mic.
256
00:11:37,102 --> 00:11:39,035
- Just keep that in your pocket.
- All right.
257
00:11:39,042 --> 00:11:42,110
I'll put that in my pocket.
258
00:11:42,122 --> 00:11:43,821
Here, let's... let's go inside, so...
259
00:11:43,828 --> 00:11:46,829
[laughs] Okay.
260
00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:49,340
I'm all good.
261
00:11:49,350 --> 00:11:50,882
[Clatter]
262
00:11:50,888 --> 00:11:54,223
And by the way...
263
00:11:54,235 --> 00:11:56,336
- You okay?
- I'm good.
264
00:11:56,345 --> 00:11:58,778
- You're...
- [Laughs]
265
00:11:58,787 --> 00:12:03,423
So September 13, 1814 rolls around.
266
00:12:03,439 --> 00:12:05,406
The attack begins on Baltimore.
267
00:12:05,414 --> 00:12:09,716
[Imitates explosions booming]
268
00:12:09,731 --> 00:12:12,931
Cannons just raining fire,
269
00:12:12,943 --> 00:12:15,044
bombarding Fort McHenry.
270
00:12:15,052 --> 00:12:18,086
Francis Scott Key stays up all night
271
00:12:18,097 --> 00:12:20,497
and watches in suspense as this happens.
272
00:12:20,507 --> 00:12:22,974
Eventually, Skinner and Beanes wake up,
273
00:12:22,983 --> 00:12:24,015
and they're just like,
274
00:12:24,020 --> 00:12:27,189
um, is the flag still there?
275
00:12:27,201 --> 00:12:32,770
And Key's watching, and
the dawn's light breaks.
276
00:12:32,789 --> 00:12:34,289
The smoke clears,
277
00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:36,462
and all of a sudden,
278
00:12:36,471 --> 00:12:42,474
Key sees this giant,
humongous American flag
279
00:12:42,494 --> 00:12:45,162
over Fort McHenry.
280
00:12:45,172 --> 00:12:48,839
And Key is like, yeah, it's still there.
281
00:12:48,852 --> 00:12:51,687
It's way [Bleep] there.
282
00:12:51,698 --> 00:12:54,899
And Key is so blown away
by the emotion of it,
283
00:12:54,911 --> 00:12:58,213
he starts just writing a poem.
284
00:12:58,225 --> 00:13:01,158
Eventually, Cochrane says, "you're free,"
285
00:13:01,168 --> 00:13:04,069
and they let 'em go back to Baltimore.
286
00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:05,512
The British retreat.
287
00:13:05,519 --> 00:13:09,187
Francis Scott Key spends the
whole night finishing his poem.
288
00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:13,336
The next morning, he
calls his brother-in-law.
289
00:13:13,350 --> 00:13:18,853
And he says, I got this poem,
and you need to see this.
290
00:13:18,872 --> 00:13:21,340
His brother-in-law looks
at it, and he's like,
291
00:13:21,349 --> 00:13:24,750
this is the best poem ever.
292
00:13:24,763 --> 00:13:27,630
We have to publish this now.
293
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,105
Like, right now.
294
00:13:29,112 --> 00:13:33,515
It should be put to that
melody, the Anacreon in Heaven,
295
00:13:33,530 --> 00:13:37,065
a British drinking song.
296
00:13:37,078 --> 00:13:40,279
So they distributed the song to everybody,
297
00:13:40,291 --> 00:13:43,192
and people in the town
would be kind of like,
298
00:13:43,202 --> 00:13:46,871
? oh, say can you see ?
299
00:13:46,884 --> 00:13:48,849
I get this. I dig it.
300
00:13:48,857 --> 00:13:50,791
It... this is... this'll work.
301
00:13:50,799 --> 00:13:54,300
And the song wound up being a...
302
00:13:54,313 --> 00:13:57,581
pretty much an amazing hit.
303
00:13:57,593 --> 00:14:00,828
And it's called the Star-Spangled Banner.
304
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:04,741
And it's America.
305
00:14:04,754 --> 00:14:05,887
[Laughs]
306
00:14:10,979 --> 00:14:13,412
Who are any of you people?
307
00:14:17,855 --> 00:14:20,924
[Jaunty organ music]
308
00:14:20,935 --> 00:14:23,602
?
309
00:14:23,612 --> 00:14:24,778
That's pretty much it.
310
00:14:24,784 --> 00:14:26,050
- What is that?
- It's nothing.
311
00:14:26,056 --> 00:14:27,422
I don't know.
312
00:14:27,428 --> 00:14:28,661
It's like you... you get high and play it.
313
00:14:28,667 --> 00:14:29,665
I don't know.
314
00:14:29,670 --> 00:14:31,303
If I'm eating edible marijuana,
315
00:14:31,310 --> 00:14:34,244
and I want to feel like
I'm flying a spaceship
316
00:14:34,254 --> 00:14:35,454
powered by music,
317
00:14:35,460 --> 00:14:39,661
then that's what this is for.
318
00:14:39,676 --> 00:14:40,675
Cheers.
319
00:14:42,888 --> 00:14:44,189
Hello.
320
00:14:44,194 --> 00:14:45,994
Today, we're gonna talk
about Edgar Allan Poe
321
00:14:46,002 --> 00:14:48,402
and his rivalry with Rufus Griswold,
322
00:14:48,411 --> 00:14:52,079
one of America's first pieces of [Bleep].
323
00:14:52,092 --> 00:14:55,093
Okay, this is the 1800s,
and no one has any money.
324
00:14:55,104 --> 00:14:57,171
Like, people are, like,
sweeping the streets,
325
00:14:57,180 --> 00:15:00,214
and maybe you'd find,
like, a crust of bacon.
326
00:15:00,225 --> 00:15:01,792
And you'd eat it.
327
00:15:01,799 --> 00:15:04,700
Edgar Allan Poe, he's one
of the great American poets.
328
00:15:04,710 --> 00:15:07,276
Completely disrespected by everyone
329
00:15:07,286 --> 00:15:09,420
he ever came in contact with.
330
00:15:09,429 --> 00:15:11,262
He was always broke.
331
00:15:11,269 --> 00:15:13,870
And he came into contact with a fellow
332
00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:17,581
by the name of Rufus Griswold.
333
00:15:17,594 --> 00:15:20,161
So Griswold says to Poe,
334
00:15:20,171 --> 00:15:22,104
hey, I'm making this book called
335
00:15:22,112 --> 00:15:24,079
The Poets and Poetry of America.
336
00:15:24,087 --> 00:15:25,953
So give me some of your poems,
337
00:15:25,961 --> 00:15:28,629
and if I like 'em, I'll put 'em in.
338
00:15:28,639 --> 00:15:30,506
He knows if he puts him in the book,
339
00:15:30,513 --> 00:15:33,580
then Edgar Allan Poe will be
likely to write a nice review.
340
00:15:33,592 --> 00:15:37,160
So Poe is like, okay, I'll
give you some of my poems.
341
00:15:37,172 --> 00:15:38,806
So here's my poems.
342
00:15:38,813 --> 00:15:42,514
So books get... book get...
the book gets published.
343
00:15:42,528 --> 00:15:46,529
Poe's... three of Poe...
Poe's poems are... are printed.
344
00:15:46,543 --> 00:15:52,547
Griswold has printed 50
poems by one of his friends.
345
00:15:52,567 --> 00:15:54,300
50!
346
00:15:54,307 --> 00:15:56,474
Poe's sitting there with
the book in front of him,
347
00:15:56,483 --> 00:15:57,549
flipping through the book.
348
00:15:57,554 --> 00:15:59,387
Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip.
349
00:15:59,394 --> 00:16:01,861
What the [Bleep]?
350
00:16:01,871 --> 00:16:04,572
Are you [Bleep] serious?
351
00:16:04,582 --> 00:16:09,117
This [Bleep]sucker, hack, loser, ass[Bleep]
352
00:16:09,133 --> 00:16:11,967
Has put me in the very back of this book.
353
00:16:11,977 --> 00:16:15,912
I've been hornswoggled by a [Bleep].
354
00:16:15,926 --> 00:16:17,826
Griswold comes to him, and he's like,
355
00:16:17,834 --> 00:16:19,667
Edgar, what do you say that you write
356
00:16:19,675 --> 00:16:23,010
one of your wonderful reviews of my book?
357
00:16:23,022 --> 00:16:26,724
And I'll give you a...
a hundred dollars for it.
358
00:16:26,737 --> 00:16:28,670
It's basically bribery.
359
00:16:28,678 --> 00:16:31,879
And Poe's like, sure, no problem.
360
00:16:31,891 --> 00:16:34,425
I'll take your money, and write
a review of this... this book.
361
00:16:34,434 --> 00:16:35,600
No problem.
362
00:16:35,606 --> 00:16:40,141
No [Bleep] problem, Rufus.
363
00:16:40,157 --> 00:16:43,157
[Laughing]
364
00:16:45,242 --> 00:16:47,510
So... so he... so he writes the review.
365
00:16:47,519 --> 00:16:50,320
Now, Griswold has been
telling his friends, you know,
366
00:16:50,330 --> 00:16:52,831
Poe's gonna write this
great review of my [Bleep].
367
00:16:52,841 --> 00:16:55,842
Then he... when... when he reads
the review that he paid for,
368
00:16:55,853 --> 00:16:57,953
like, no one should read this.
369
00:16:57,961 --> 00:17:00,561
None of these poets are gonna
be remembered except for me.
370
00:17:00,571 --> 00:17:02,838
It's a waste of time to
even look at this thing.
371
00:17:02,847 --> 00:17:04,013
All of this is crap.
372
00:17:04,019 --> 00:17:05,985
Edgar Allan Poe.
373
00:17:05,993 --> 00:17:07,192
He's like, really?
374
00:17:07,197 --> 00:17:09,497
I gave you money to write a [Bleep] review
375
00:17:09,506 --> 00:17:13,909
of a book of poetry that I
put you in, you ass[Bleep].
376
00:17:13,924 --> 00:17:15,623
Game on.
377
00:17:15,631 --> 00:17:19,066
So Poe starts hearing that
Griswold is now, like...
378
00:17:19,078 --> 00:17:20,644
is talking [Bleep] about him.
379
00:17:20,651 --> 00:17:23,152
So he goes on a tour of America,
380
00:17:23,161 --> 00:17:24,961
and being like, hey, what's up, guys?
381
00:17:24,969 --> 00:17:27,069
You guys know about Rufus Griswold, right?
382
00:17:27,077 --> 00:17:29,477
The guy who wrote this
[Bleep] [Bleep] book of poetry
383
00:17:29,486 --> 00:17:32,154
where he only put three of my poems in?
384
00:17:32,165 --> 00:17:33,964
You know about this
guy? He's, like, a hack.
385
00:17:33,971 --> 00:17:35,870
Just, like, a stereotypical, basic,
386
00:17:35,878 --> 00:17:37,711
bull[Bleep] ass[Bleep].
387
00:17:37,718 --> 00:17:38,851
He has no talent at all,
388
00:17:38,857 --> 00:17:41,090
and if you give Griswold a hand job,
389
00:17:41,099 --> 00:17:43,533
he'll put 20 poems in his [Bleep] book.
390
00:17:43,542 --> 00:17:47,377
He is a vile, holographic piece of [Bleep].
391
00:17:47,391 --> 00:17:49,124
Holograms don't even exist yet,
392
00:17:49,131 --> 00:17:51,765
and I'm calling him a [Bleep] hologram.
393
00:17:57,563 --> 00:18:00,965
So Poe...
394
00:18:00,978 --> 00:18:02,545
very important note,
395
00:18:02,551 --> 00:18:04,651
the anthology, despite Poe
talking all this [Bleep]
396
00:18:04,660 --> 00:18:06,727
is massively successful.
397
00:18:06,735 --> 00:18:09,702
Poe goes to his job at this magazine,
398
00:18:09,713 --> 00:18:13,815
and seated at his desk
is Rufus [Bleep] Griswold.
399
00:18:13,829 --> 00:18:16,196
He's like, oh, I'm sorry.
400
00:18:16,205 --> 00:18:19,440
While you were gone, I got your job.
401
00:18:19,452 --> 00:18:22,953
And I'm getting paid
more than you got paid,
402
00:18:22,966 --> 00:18:25,033
so I win.
403
00:18:25,041 --> 00:18:26,807
Good night.
404
00:18:26,815 --> 00:18:28,581
[Laughing] So Poe is like,
405
00:18:28,588 --> 00:18:30,222
what the [Bleep]?
406
00:18:30,229 --> 00:18:31,761
He's like, what the [Bleep]?
407
00:18:31,767 --> 00:18:34,335
His worst enemy has taken his job,
408
00:18:34,345 --> 00:18:36,044
and he's [Bleep].
409
00:18:36,051 --> 00:18:38,318
He's [Bleep].
410
00:18:38,327 --> 00:18:40,594
He goes on drinking binges.
411
00:18:40,603 --> 00:18:42,403
He's a drunk. He's a drunk.
412
00:18:42,411 --> 00:18:43,676
He's a lunatic.
413
00:18:43,681 --> 00:18:45,048
He's, like, wandering the streets.
414
00:18:47,731 --> 00:18:52,601
And right around that time, his wife dies.
415
00:18:52,617 --> 00:18:55,852
And Poe goes insane.
416
00:18:55,864 --> 00:18:57,464
And he starts taking laudanum,
417
00:18:57,471 --> 00:18:58,937
which is this, like, downer,
418
00:18:58,944 --> 00:19:01,110
but it makes you high as a [Bleep] kite.
419
00:19:01,118 --> 00:19:02,451
And that's it, man.
420
00:19:03,895 --> 00:19:07,063
Poe continues to spiral down into an ob...
421
00:19:07,075 --> 00:19:10,276
a [Bleep] oblivion.
422
00:19:10,288 --> 00:19:13,557
They find him laying in
a gutter in Baltimore,
423
00:19:13,569 --> 00:19:16,937
they take him to a hospital, where he dies.
424
00:19:20,596 --> 00:19:23,965
So Poe's dead.
425
00:19:23,977 --> 00:19:26,544
Griswold wanted Poe to seem like a monster,
426
00:19:26,554 --> 00:19:29,821
so [Bleep] Griswold proceeds to write
427
00:19:29,833 --> 00:19:33,235
these scathing biographies
of Edgar Allan Poe.
428
00:19:33,247 --> 00:19:34,946
He was a drunk.
429
00:19:34,953 --> 00:19:37,087
He was always in debt.
430
00:19:37,096 --> 00:19:39,130
He sucked. He was awful.
431
00:19:39,138 --> 00:19:43,072
Forget about him. Forget about it!
432
00:19:43,086 --> 00:19:44,886
But everyone in America read this,
433
00:19:44,893 --> 00:19:46,092
and they're like, wait, what?
434
00:19:46,098 --> 00:19:49,467
Drunk, crazy guy who wrote about ravens?
435
00:19:49,479 --> 00:19:51,979
Where can I get this
book? That sounds awesome.
436
00:19:51,989 --> 00:19:57,759
It ended up making Edgar Allan
Poe 50,000 times more famous.
437
00:19:57,778 --> 00:20:01,113
And he's considered to be one
of the great writers of our time.
438
00:20:01,125 --> 00:20:06,128
Later in his life, Griswold
comes down with tuberculosis,
439
00:20:06,145 --> 00:20:08,946
and dies alone,
440
00:20:08,957 --> 00:20:12,358
with a picture of Edgar
Allan Poe on the wall,
441
00:20:12,370 --> 00:20:16,072
watching him, like, look at you, man.
442
00:20:16,085 --> 00:20:18,351
Where are you now?
443
00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:21,428
Look at Griswold, all you people out there.
444
00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:23,040
I don't care what you do. What'd you do?
445
00:20:23,046 --> 00:20:25,546
Guess what? No one's gonna remember it.
446
00:20:25,556 --> 00:20:27,089
Your... your silly attempt
447
00:20:27,096 --> 00:20:31,398
to disguise a [Bleep] history show,
448
00:20:31,413 --> 00:20:33,380
and, like, people getting drunk.
449
00:20:33,388 --> 00:20:35,620
It's failure. No one cares.
450
00:20:35,628 --> 00:20:37,795
No one's buying it, man.
451
00:20:37,804 --> 00:20:39,037
Forget it.
452
00:20:39,043 --> 00:20:42,111
We're all getting sucked into the void.
453
00:20:42,122 --> 00:20:44,990
Ugh. [Laughs]
454
00:20:46,725 --> 00:20:49,794
[Patriotic music]
455
00:20:50,795 --> 00:20:56,795
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456
00:20:56,845 --> 00:21:01,395
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