All language subtitles for Downward Dog s01e07

[Cellphone chiming]

Martin: Honestly, I'm a
little bit worried about Nan.

I'm just catching some red flags.

She's not sleeping.

She's been talking to
herself, like, all the time.

Nan: So it's the day of the launch.

You're probably tired.

You're probably drinking too much.

It might seem like your
vision has been compromised

by a million factors, mostly Kevin.

But today, your campaign
is going to launch

in hundreds of stores.

And I know you may not feel like it,

but I promise you, this is worth it.

Just get through this day.

And, like, I want to
say this sensitively,

but, like, I've kind of noticed

that she's letting her legs get furry.

Yeah. Definitely a long-pants day, bud.

18-hour day, buddy.
You're coming with me.

And usually, like,

when Nan's self-care starts slipping,

it's, like, a sure sign
that we'll be spending

lots of time together in
bed, like, snuggle-crying.

But this past month, she's
barely even been home.

And even when she is home,
she's kind of like frantically

moving her attention
from screen to screen.

Okay. What's your plan here, bud?

And, I mean, when I was younger,

I would have taken it
really, really personally.

[Groans] Back, back, back,
back, back, back, back.

Now I'm more mature.

That's very helpful.

I just want to help.

I feel like telling her, like,

"I can tell something's wrong,
so, like, help me help you.

Let me know what's going on."

Oh, hi.

How long have you been here?

Uh, since like 6:00. [Chuckles]

I mean, you know. I wasn't
gonna be able to sleep

the night before a launch, so...

Oh, wait, are you doing
the Metro displays?

You know I was gonna come
in to finish those off.

Yeah, I know.

I just figured, um, I
was here, so, why not?

Also, I had some specific thoughts.

Uh, but I did... I-I
made you some coffee

so you wouldn't be irritated
by my micromanaging.

Ah, my favorite mug!

Yay, hooray.

Why is there a Jason here?

Hi.

- 'Sup, Jenn?
- 'Sup.

The display's looking good.
Should be ready in like an hour.

Thank you very much,
my temporary colleague.

Anything for our corporate overlords.

Hi, Jason.

Hey, buddy, buddy, buddy.

Who's my bestest friend? Huh?

Bye, Nan.

What?

He's my friend.

Look, I'm sorry you guys are fighting,

but he's good at video stuff.

And he really needs the money.

It's fine. I mean, I get it.

And, on the plus side, he
did say two words to me,

which is an improvement.

I've been texting him, like,
all week and... and nothing.

I even... I sent him
a picture of an apple

that looks like a butt.

I mean, look at that.
He didn't say anything.

He loves fruit that looks like butts.

That's like... That's like our thing.

Sometimes I think it's a miracle

either of you ever
found someone to love.

[Chuckles]

It's a butt.

Martin: This morning,
as we were leaving,

like, something happened.

All right, bud. Come on, let's go.

[Gasps]

I saw that Pepper had
left one more of her, like,

psychotic death threats on the porch.

All right, that's gross.

Martin: Which, like...
like, she does so much,

I've kind of, like, gotten used to.

But now I realize, that's the thing...

that's actually insane,

getting accustomed to a serial killer

leaving bodies on the doorstep.

[Heartbeat]

And now I'm like, "Oh, my God.
That's why Nan's so stressed."

Like, that's why she's never home.

I mean, that's probably,
like, why Jason left.

Like, everyone's, like, terrified

"that Pepper's gonna kill them next."

[Heartbeat quickens]

Okay.

Ugh. Poor little guy.

Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck.

[Groans] I can feel its ribs.

It's, like, finally I understand.

I understand everything.

Hey, Sam, we should test the app, yeah?

Uh, yeah. Display's back here.

Okay.

Oh, hey, Keira, listen.

Um, we got someone on those
bus wraps in San Fran, right?

And what about those
weird windows in Columbus?

I e-mailed them last night,
but they're on the West Coast,

so they're not gonna be
awake for like three hours.

Right.

And the windows. Were
laid out kind of strangely,

so they pitched me a compromise, but...

No, listen. Believe it or not,

telling people that they're beautiful

is going to be, like,
deeply, personally offensive

to hordes of Internet trolls. Okay?

So everything has to be perfect.

We're gonna have a massive
target on our backs.

No compromises.

You got it.

Okay.

[Indistinct conversations]

Sorry.

Sorry.

Oh, wow! This... This looks great!

Jason, really, really
cool! I-I'm super impressed!

Thank you!

- Careful with the...
- It's all real...

- glass.
- Careful.

I'll be outside at the visual display

if anybody needs me.

Three whole words. [Clicks tongue]

Okay, Sam, can you just
walk me through this then?

Okay. So, you open the Clark & Bow app.

And that's where people

are hashtagging their
photos #BeautifulMe.

And then you choose a
picture and hashtag it.

All right, so, weird picture
of me and my dog, #Look...

And then all the hashtagged photos

show up in the displays
around the country.

Sending.

Oh! Wow!

Ah, that's amazing.

This is how it's gonna
look in Times Square, too,

but just, like, you
know, 40 times bigger.

Well, why are these showing up?

These are so horrible.

- Oh, God.
- Oh...

No, these are private.
That's a private...

Very, very, very, very,
very private folder.

How is it accessing all of these photos?

Oh, you know when you download an app

and you just accept all the
terms without reading them?

Yeah.

Well, you should read them.

You guys need to get woke.

If these can go through,
what's to stop people

from posting penis pics to Times Square?

Okay, well, it's just a bug.

That's why we test it out.

Don't worry. Just give me an hour.

Yep.

Martin: I guess I just feel
bad because, like, now I get

why Nan's, like, been
bringing me to work.

It's like her cute,
but, like, feeble attempt

to protect me from that... that monster.

And the thing is, that's
supposed to be my job.

Like, dogs are here to protect humans

and, like, of course
I've done that for Nan.

Like, you would not believe
the people I've stopped

from tearing down the door.

[Barking]

[Screaming]

But the thing is, I'm the
only one who can save us now.

Like, I see that.

They're just waiting for me
to prove that I can save them.

Like, I need to show her that I'm ready.

That I realize the time is now.

It's time to kill that cat.

[Horn honks]

Full-frontal nudity
wasn't supposed to be

part of this campaign, Jenn.

I know. Just calm down.

It'll be fine, okay?

We'll just figure...
We'll sort it all out.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Kev.

Hey, guys.

Yeah, you okay, Kevin?

Oh, yeah. Big-time okay.

Gwen really helped me out.

Yeah, Kevin's very relaxed

because he made a big,
grown-up decision today

to go see the doctor about
his emotional breakdowns

on fall campaign launch days.

- Wow.
- I'm so proud of him.

Big pharma's really
been upping their game.

My wife left me.

I am really sorry to hear that.

Kevin.

It's great. It's fine.

He's fine.

It's really better off, actually.

And don't worry, Nan.
I totally trust you...

penis-wise.

P... Oh!

[Chuckles] Right.

The display, that... Thank you.

I appreciate that.

Um, actually, I-I think
we're getting close

to a solution, though,
'cause Sam's writing a, um,

like, a genitalia-sensing
algorithm right now.

Which will... It'll just
filter all those right out.

Sam: Nan!

What?

Oh, my God.

No. No, no.

Those are the original Kuddle Kats.

I'm so sorry, Sam.

And I-I-I will replace them, I promise.

And I... Come on, Martin.

I know this sounds really
callous, but... Martin!

Let's just, you know,
let's just get back to work.

I'll send Martin home.

Gwen, can you take him?

Take your dog to your house?

Yeah, you're the only
one I can spare, okay?

So just take my car.

You're killing me
here. Let go of the cat.

I feel like you're
judging me for wearing fur,

but I didn't buy this jacket.

Martin: Like, it feels
good to be inspiring

because I was planning on
training for, like, a month,

but clearly Nan saw what
I did to those test cats

and said, "You know
what? I think he's ready."

Bye, Martin.

Like, I'm not stupid.

Like, I-I realize I might
die, but the thing is,

I'm doing this for the right reason...

to protect Nan and Jason
and, like, the whole world.

And, yeah, like... like,
if I kill her, sure,

there will be, like, parades in my honor

and, you know, like, statues.

And maybe I'll finally
get one of those trophies.

Nan keeps on her shelf,

but all of that has no appeal to me.

Everything I do, I do for love.

Jenn, hey. Have you seen Sam?

Is she still crying or is she, like,

back on target with her deadline?

I realize how that sounds, and I only
hate myself a little bit right now.

I would stay she's
glassy-eyed but still coding.

Okay. I think I'm gonna
go check on her, yeah?

Yeah, you should.

Okay, yep, yeah.

Hey.

Hey, Jan.

Hey... Kev.

How ya... How ya doing there, bud?

I'm good. [Chuckles]

Good. How are you?

You look flustered.

- Uh, no, I'm okay. I'm actually...
- Yeah?

I'm gonna go, um, check
on Sam just real fast.

It's just so strange.

I just... I was always afraid

that when my wife
left, I'd be broken up,

but I feel fine.

I'm floating.

It's strange, right?

Yeah, I... You know what?

I cannot wait to talk to you about this

in like three hours. Okay?

Oh. Yeah.

Okay.

Hey, Nan, Uh, I'm okay, right?

Yep.

Like, I'm not gonna get fired, am I?

Probably not.

Okay, good. You got this.

Martin: The thing is,
I have an advantage.

Like, I know Pepper the way
you can only know someone

after you've eaten their,
like, sweet little droppings

for the better part of four years,

which I've done.

Like, I've done that. Like,
they're actually amazing.

I know when she's sick.
I know when she's well.

Like, I know when she's been feeling,

like, a little bit depressed.

Like, I can taste everything.

But most importantly,
I know that every day,

she comes to this little patch of sand.

It's where she's most vulnerable.

And all I have to do is wait.

Hey, Sam.

I am so, so sorry about Martin.

Uh, I don't want to sound insensitive,

it's just that, um... it's
just a couple hours away

from the launch, and
I just thought maybe...

Yeah. I already, um...

I, uh, created a penis-sensing algorithm

so that it would
delete all those photos.

Great! Wonderful!

Tiny problem, though...

I was really flustered
after everything and I, uh...

I-I inverted the if-then function.

What does that mean?

Well, instead of deleting
the penis pictures,

it deleted everything else.

Like, all the photos
that people hashtagged

to go up in New York, they're all gone.

So, we don't have anything left, right?

We have a billboard going up
in Times Square in two hours

and nothing but penises to fill it.

Is that it?

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

I think I'm getting a
stress headache, actually.

Whew.

[Sighs]

Martin: I know I have the
tendency to exaggerate.

Like, once I told Jeff

I buried 4,000 bones in the backyard

when, in reality, it was
probably like... like eight.

Or like five. Like, I buried five bones.

Like, often I stretch
the truth. I-I admit that.

But not today.

Because my whole life, I've
lived in fear of this cat.

All of a sudden, that
fear just, like, fell away

and, for a moment,
everything made sense.

I wasn't worried about
what would happen next.

I was brave.

I was free.

[Barking, cat yowls]

Jenn, we are so screwed.

Sam erased all of the photos,

and now everything we've
worked for is gonna be ruined.

Wait, all of them?

Yep, all of them.

Maybe we can use stock photos.

We can't use stock photos
'cause it has to be real people.

- That's the whole point of the campaign.
- Yeah, I know that.

I'm just trying to find a solution.

Yeah, I know, I know.
I just... I swear to God,

if I don't do it myself,
it doesn't get done right.

Oh, okay.

- [Cellphone rings]
- I didn't... I didn't mean you.

You know I didn't mean you.
That's not what I meant.

You know I'm just, like,
trying to help you on this.

Hello?

Oh, my God.

Are you sure it's Martin?

Oh, my God.

Yeah. Someone'll be right there.

Jason, Martin's hurt.

What's that?

The neighbor called and
the cat, Pepper, next door

scratched his... scratched his face up.

Is he okay?

I need you to go take him to the vet.

- Whoa, hold on. What?
- I need you to go get him. I can't.

- I'm in the middle of a crisis right now.
- You got to be kidding me.

Please. I can't leave
right now, all right?

I have to find a solution to this

or the whole thing's
gonna just fall apart.

It's an ad campaign, Nan.

It's gonna be forgotten in four days.

Martin is your dog.

What about all these other
people in the building

that don't have hurt dogs?

They're not gonna do it right, okay?

They're just gonna mess it up.

It's got to be perfect or I'm
not gonna get this chance again.

Oh, that's right. It has to be perfect.

- Everything has to be perfect for Nan.
- Jason...

- Seriously. This is not the time for this.
- Just like I wasn't perfect,

- just like our relationship wasn't perfect...
- I really need you to help me out, okay?

- ...just like Pittsburgh isn't perfect.
- Jason.

Jason, are you gonna help me or not?

Okay.

I will go get Martin.

I will just do everything myself.

I'm actually... I'm getting
pretty used to it at this point.

You're putting mirrors up
all over the country, Nan,

but maybe it's you who
ought to look in the mirror.

Good one, Jason. Really clever.

Hey, Gwen, can you put me
through on speakerphone?

Put Kevin in his office

and, like, give him a
Rubik's Cube or something,

just to... just to,
like, keep him distracted,

'cause he's just gonna get in your way.

[Radiohead's "The
National Anthem" plays]

Martin: I mean, the crazy
thing is that I had her.

I had her in my grasp.

No one was more shocked than me.

Like, I think, deep down,

I always thought Pepper would kill me.

I mean, she has retractable
blades, like, in her hand.

Which is, like, pretty over the top

even for, like... even
for, like, a villain.

But I don't know. Like,
I had her cornered.

And she just looked so
small and scared and...

I don't know what happened,

but I just couldn't do it, you know?

Like... Like, I couldn't kill her.

So I let her go.

And then she, like,
basically destroyed my face.

Because I'm weak.

I'm not a defender.

I couldn't defend anyone, like...

I'm not even, like, a real dog.

I'm just, like, an emotional,
whiny little pussy cat.

Yeah, I understand that,
Sam, but you have to try.

Okay?

Nan, that pictures are gone.

What about, like,
recovery mode or, like,

digital ghosts or... or... or something?

I mean, I thought
nothing on the Internet

was ever actually gone.

They were never on the Internet.

They were just on our server.

What about control-Z?

Did you try control-Z yet?

I'm gonna lose everything, aren't I?

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

[Sighs]

Nan? Hello?

Nan!

Hello?

Hey, there.

It doesn't have to be perfect, does it?

I mean, look at us.

We're a mess, and we're great, right?

Jenn: Nan, are you there?

Guys, I know what to do.

Sam, you know those horrible
pictures from my phone?

Are they still in the system?

Yep. Even the penis one.

Okay, well, yeah.

Uh, delete those with that
unrecoverable delete thing

you managed to find earlier.

And the rest of them...

put them up on the
display in Times Square.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

I mean, it's not gonna be
enough, but it's a start.

I mean, I guess the whole world's

gonna get to see the real me, but...

I guess that's kind
of the point, isn't it?

Martin: I think I got so caught up

in this whole destroying-Pepper thing

that I kind of lost track of
all the ways I do protect Nan.

- Hi.
- Hey.

I just wanted to tell
you Martin was okay.

Oh, who's the roughest,
toughest little cowboy

there ever was, huh?

Huh?

[Laughs]

Good boy.

Also, I just wanted to
say that you're right...

about me.

I know I have some things to figure out,

and I'm working on it, so.

That was, like, super hard
for you to say, wasn't it?

[Chuckles]

Yeah.

Um, also, I'm sorry for
being so condescending

and for trying to hold you
to this impossible standard

that I have for
everyone, myself included.

'Cause you don't deserve that.

Nan. You need to get in here.

[David Bowie's "Heroes" plays]

Come on.

[Cheers and applause]

Look!

I don't understand.

I thought it was just gonna be, like,

weird pictures of me and my dog.

Jenn: Oh, yeah, well, it was.

But then you kind of inspired the staff,

and so they all started
sharing their horrible photos.

Even Kevin. Didn't you, Kev?

Yeah, but then the
system filtered those out.

Yeah, the whole thing just took off.

That's actually kind of beautiful.

Mm-hmm.

I did it.

I really did it. I'm so proud.

Martin: Because in 100 years,
like, no one's gonna remember

whether or not I killed
some stupid little cat.

And so what if I'm not this,
like, clich?d, violent,

borderline-offensive stereotype
of, like, the attack dog?

That's not the kind of
protector Nan needs anyway.

But in 100 years

I'll tell you what they
actually will remember...

the tenacity of my love.

Because maybe I'm just
like a little mutt,

and yeah, I'm afraid of cats.

But I love this woman more
than anybody has ever loved

anybody else, like... like, ever.

[Cellphone dings]

[Cellphone chimes]

And maybe love is the
greatest protection there is.

Martin: I remember the first time

I ate one of Pepper's
little, like, butt candies.

It was just, like...
It was mind-blowing.

It was, like, this
mixture of evil and beauty.

It was like a forbidden fruit.

And I thought, you know, like,

I could eat these my entire
life and... and never get bored.

But then, recently, like, I don't know.

It's almost like I've
gotten used to them.

Like, they're just the new normal now.

And I guess my point is, like,
I think it's really important

to enjoy the poop that's
in front of you right now

before you, like,
acclimate to the wonder.

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