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MAN:
Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Robin Williams.

(cheers and applause)

(music playing)

ROBIN:
Thank you.

(crowd cheering)

Oh please!

Sit the fuck down!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes, my little
salmon-headed friend.

Okay. Good night.
Thank you very much.

Thank you
for the standing ovation.

You made me orgasm up front.

Let's have a cigarette,

let's relax.

We're here in New York,

fucking New York.

(crowd cheering)

ROBIN:
Yes.

Obviously this is not
going to be

your normal night of theater.

This will be Shakespeare
with a strap-on.

So that's the way you like it.

Right here on Broadway,

in the Broadway Theatre,

a place where an asshole
would go,

"I like big butts,

I don't know why."

or Carol Channing could go,

"What if God was one of us?"

Welcome to my lovely set,

which is from the musical
Fantastic Voyage,

or maybe The Last Thing
a Clitoris Sees.

(laughing)

ROBIN:
I'm over here.

I'm down here.

This is brought to you by HBO,

which is a subsidiary
of Time Warner,

also owned by America Online.

You've got mail.

I hope you don't have stocks.

Now, welcome.

Don't be afraid.

It was so reassuring
the other day.

George W. Bush
talked to the stock market

and (makes sound).

Kinda... it must be...

Him talking about business
ethics is kind of like

having a leper
give you a facial.

It doesn't really work.

Oopsie.

"A lot of our imports
come from other countries."

No shit, Jason.

Whoopsie.
Moving right along.

Meanwhile,
Michael is protesting.

Uh, uh, ow.

I don't know, baby.

It was strange enough
when Michael was the best man

at Liza's wedding.
That for me was like,

"You're pushing
the term, my man."

That was a pretty short list.

Oh, was Richard Simmons hunting?

What happened?

What were you doing?
"I'm the best man, uh, uh."

But now, Michael
is claiming racism.

I'm going, "Honey, you got
to pick a race first."

Uh-uh.

Baby...

what are you claiming?

Mistreatment of elves?

What are you saying?

Girl, you got to pick
a gender, too.

What are you going for?
You were Diana Ross.

Now, you just left it
all behind.

Uh-uh. Wasn't it you who said,

"Jew me, sue me,
kike me, kick me, whoa."

No. Too late, babe.

And Michael, you're not-

you're not a freak.

You're just, you know, well,

surgically enhanced,

and you've spent more money
than the Vatican.

So let's not talk right now.

Shh. If you go to Neverland,

it says, "You must be this high
to ride Michael."

(laughing)

Shh.

Obviously,
people and the lawyers

for HBO are going, "Fuck."

But how fucked up you have to be

for Al Sharpton to go,
"I'm outta here, man."

Goddamn.

Whoo.

Yeah, baby.

(crowd cheering)

If Al Sharpton
bails on your ass,

even rats are going,

"Man, that guy is queer."

From the Don King School
of Hair Processing.

He's running for office in Idaho

on the
what-a-fucking-wild-crazy-

chance-in-hell-
you'll-be-elected ticket.

This isn't-
Sorry, my lips just went,

"Why'd you do that?"

Couple of dyslexic people went,

"Thank you, Robin."

Thank you.

We were worried about
the Pledge of Allegiance.

We were going to say,
"One nation under dog."

It's okay.

I know people are going,
"I've got a cure for this.

I'm thinking,
"One nation under Canada,

above Mexico."

Yes.

Yeah.
But then you have to do

the whole other...
there's anthems like,

♪ Someone bless America ♪

Instead on a dollar bill,

instead of, "In God We Trust,"

"In Gates We Trust."

"Mr. Gates,
when did you realize

you were creating a monopoly?"

"Monopoly's just a game,
Senator.

I'm trying to control
the fucking world.

Don't you see
Windows Millennium?

Windows Millennium ME,

it's all leading
to Information Technology.

Soon it'll be Total
Information Technology, TIT.

And when you're sucking
on the tit,

I have you
by the motherboard."

Don't be afraid.

But it's a nice day
in New York, my people.

It's a beautiful day.

New York Police have a catch
and release program.

Way to go.

Stop!

Okay. Go on again.

You there, get the fuck...

get the fuck out of here.

I like New York
on a day like today.

I mean, for a while, you know,

everything would be like,
"Are you okay?"

And now, people back
to being New Yorkers, like,

"Have a nice day, asshole."

"Fuck you, my friend.

Enjoy your day."

But the most beautiful thing
about a day like today

in this New York
is that the ladies

take the twins for a walk.

Oh, yeah,
the titties are out today.

On a hot day
all the titties are out there.

And then the titties like God

made them going (makes sound).

Beautiful titties,
all different shapes and sizing,

and women running,
and they're going,

"Hummana, hummana, hummana,"

and then they hit a breeze
and chicken's done.

Yes.

Yeah, baby.

These are not like
the tits in Vegas,

where even God goes,

"I didn't make those."

Weird tits, you know,
fake tits are like Nazis.

They don't laugh,
they don't dance,

they just (grunts).

I'm walking here.

I've seen a woman turn
and the tits stay there.

Babies, lucky they don't
have any teeth

because they'd knock
them out. (makes sound)

I've seen tits
that are really bad,

like they had the nipples
on the top.

It looked like Kilroy.

(laughing)

But don't talk to me about the...

when you go up Madison Avenue

you see some hardcore
surgery like

(makes sound).

I'm so scared,
but I can't express it.

These are the ladies
who've had so much surgery,

they're going, "What are these
lumps under my eyes?"

"Those are your tits, madam."

(laughing)

"And what's this?"
"Don't ask, Mrs. Trotsky.

Don't ask.

This is good news for you."

(makes sound)

And girls getting
Botox injections,

so, "I... Look,

I don't have any wrinkles."

"You also have no expression.

You look like you've had
a slight coma,

but you're beautiful."

All this amazing transformation.

When guys say to you,

"Baby, I want you to get

your tits done for me, okay?

Uh-hmm.

Do it for me.
Do it for your daddy man."

And you say, "Okay, daddy man.

Then I want you to get
your balls done for me, okay?

I want you to get those big old

Voit basketballs.

So when you do
the Baywatch thing,

it's like (makes sound)."

Nothing drives a woman crazy

like a big old Easter
basket on her bunny.

So when you go to the...
you go to the doctor,

(makes sound)

Girls (makes sound).

Payback's a bitch.
Go for it, girls.

Because you went through
a hard time.

This whole winter
was so bizarre.

The temperatures,
it was like 80, 20, 30, 50.

It was weather by Sybil.

It was fucking weird.

The weathermen are going,

"I don't fucking know
what's going on.

Let's just see what happens."

This spring flowers were like

Anne Heche going,
"I'm out, I'm in, I'm out."

I don't know where to go.

Good God.

And God, now, another one,

George came back
from Japan, he went,

"I went to the Coyote
Conference."

No, it's Kyoto.

That's a very good car.

No.

George, walk away.

And they say
there's no global warming.

But right now
the North Pole is a pool.

There's things
just floating away,

and it is beyond global warming
at this point.

It is cooking.

It's a 105
in the middle of the country

and people come up going,

"Is it hot enough for you?"

No, I like sweat
to be rolling down

the crack of my ass
like Niagara.

I let it kiss...
I like my old man

titties to lactate, my man.

And you see people in shorts
and you're going,

"Please don't wear those.

Oh, please
don't put those on."

And if you go
to Southwest Airline,

they're going, "I'm sorry.

You're not fat,
you're horizontally challenged."

Big people, and now
if you go to Southwest Airlines,

you have buy two seats.

The problem is
they're not together.

Scary.

You know, and you have
to put your tits

in the overhead rack.

But people don't mind now.

We're working our way through.

And all over the country

you got weird things
like in Houston,

Houston they got Enron field.

We're going to call it
5th Amendment Field.

But fuck.

We can't call it
We're Fucked Field.

Arthur Anderson
put in the chairs,

they spin both ways.

And now Martha Stewart

may become somebody's bitch.

No.

No.

Say it ain't so.

I like to consider it more

like severe companion.

If you only have one room,

and I like to call it
my private space,

use the light well.

You know,
you have vertical bars,

don't use horizontal blinds.

Also, think of
your ankle bracelet

as an accessory.

When it goes off, I just can't
wait for her going...

the first time
she has lunch going,

"You call this quiche?"

"Shut up, bitch.
You're inside now.

You're mine."

Drop down, baby.

All over things
have been going good here.

I've been all over-
I've been to Memphis,

I've been to Graceland.

And I never knew
that Ray Charles

had a decorating license.

But there's some severe...

there are colors there

that have never seen daylight.

I've been to Nashville,

I've heard people
sing songs like,

"Oh, take your finger
outta my ass,

because I'm leaving you
behind!"

Funny-ass shit,
people do it now.

It's a weird thing.
I'm sweating like crazy

up here right now, but it's HBO,

because it's live.
(makes sound)

Going on out,

and now you've got it
all going on.

People playing baseball,
that's good,

you've got a good season,
Yankees are kicking again,

way to go.

You know.

(crowd cheering)

ROBIN:
That's all right.

You did a good job.
You came through.

And everybody's worried
about people playing,

you know, playing baseball
on steroids.

I'm going, "Really?"

Well, here's one quick way
you tell.

Two things happen on steroids:

Your balls shrink
and your head grows.

So if someone steps up
to the plate

with a Mardi Gras head
and Raisinettes,

you're out!

Watch out!

Poor Barry Bonds, man.

They won't pitch to him,
and when they do,

they're trying to kill him.

He's like Yasser Arafat
of baseball, man.

And for Jerusalem right now

I do believe there's a plan,
I have a plan,

it's an interesting plan.

It's called a timeshare,

like Miami, let's try that.

Jews will get Hanukkah,
Passover,

Christians will get Christmas
and Easter.

And Muslims will have Ramadan

and that other holiday, Kaboom.

Nah.

Obviously, right now
the people at HBO

are going "Oh, fuck off.

What are you doing,
you asshole?"

But for me, I'm very excited

because this is my time

when I was watching
World Cup soccer, my man.

I saw World Cup, baby.

No, no.

A few soccer fans,
the rest of you are going,

"Oh, that's like football
without pads, right?"

For the rest of the world,
it's football.

For us, it's, like,
"A strange sport,

played by damaged people."

We made it in the World Cup.

Everybody plays it.

Not like the World Series,
because the French

don't have a baseball team.

If they did, they would
only have left field

and no one would be safe.

You know what I'm saying?

What can you do, huh?

It is Bastille Day, alors.

(sings in French)

The day that Marie Antoinette
gave the ultimate head.

Look out, ah.
We are French.

Fuck you, Americans,
I don't care.

My friend is in right now,

my Lance Armstrong is in France

racing in the Tour de France.

He is right now, but-
and every year the French go,

"He is on chemicals."

I'm going, "It's chemotherapy,

you little toad sucker."

"Okay, he has one testicle.

He's aerodynamic.

Everybody cut off your balls.
You'll be quicker. Do it.

Don't be afraid, eh?"

Because, you know,
when you look at the World Cup,

America finally made it.

We made it to the 16, baby.

Whoo!

Goddamn right!

Oh, yeah!

We're no longer in the
Special Olympics category.

They used to see us
come and going,

"Oh, give it to them.
They're damaged people."

Thank you for the ball.

I got a ball.
I kick the ball.

Unlike the Brazilians, man.

When the Brazilians play
it's like, (humming).

And the fans, they're like,
(singing in Portuguese).

Brazilians going, "Look,
I'm playing soccer, okay.

Look, I'm scoring.

And now I'm kicking the ball."

Soccer's kind of mellow,
you know.

It's a little
passive-aggressive, though,

when you got that thing
of like (make sounds).

I didn't do anything.

What are you looking at?
It's not like hockey,

where someone comes up
with a stick and goes,

"Bam, motherfucker!"

That's why there are no
Spanish hockey players,

because the first time
a white guy takes a stick

and goes, "Bam,"
"Motherfucker, I'm going to

cut you off now."

"And you, Freddie Krueger,

bitch, take off the mask,
motherfucker.

Coming in there,
goddammit!"

But, like, soccer,

sometimes guys will
do this weird thing,

they'll fall down
and pretend like,

"Oh shit, I'm fucking...

I've been killed.
I've been blinded.

oh, oh...

There's nobody near me, huh?

Okay, I'm kidding."

And the referee comes over,

"Yellow card.

Two yellow cards.

Red card.

Hold on, three cards.

Green card."

And the referee
is so sweet, too.

He's kind of like,

"Okay, what's your name?

Turn around.

What's your fucking name?

Why didn't you call me
after the Mexico game?"

(laughing)

Not like-you know,

football referees who have that,

"Too much commercial time.

Bad white men
dancing on the field.

Moving away.
Moving away."

What are we doing?

And then it was strange,
in the World Cup

they always claim,

"There's bad refereeing,

someone may have been paid off.

Oh, shit, say it ain't so.

You're telling me
that the Oscars

are also political?

Oh, fuck off."

Shh.

There's a gay mafia.

Shh.

The Mauve Hand.

Shh. Fairy Godfather.

"Does this pistol
make my ass look big?"

Shh. If you go to LA,

there's a great greeting
these people do.

They come up and go,
"Love ya."

"Love you."
"Hey, love you, love you."

(laughing)

We were talking briefly
about bad refereeing.

The worst one, I guess,
was in the Winter Olympics

with a French judge.

Once again, the French
fuck with us, huh?

The Canadians,
they skate perfectly, eh?

"We did it perfect, huh?"

And then the Russians
they come, "Oh, fuck."

They fucked up
and the French judge went,

"How like life.
They fucked up.

I give it to them, huh?"

At that point I'm going,

"Where is Tonya Harding
when you need her?

Tonya would've been
on that judge

like shit on Velcro."

She'd be going,
"Give me that medal,

you French whore!

(laughs)

I won."

But instead we get to see Tonya

fight Paula Jones

in an all-white trash weekend.

Trailer park Tuesday.

Tonya went right for Paula too,

she went right for the nose,

"Not the nose.
That's the Clinton money.

Not the nose."

And then next it's going to be
Joey Buttafuoco fights

John Wayne Bobbitt.

There will be no hitting
below the belt there,

my friend.

"Fuck, man, give it back.

My balls are in the front row."

What's next?
The Nixon daughters

battle for the library money.

Be there as my bitches go at it.

At this point
even Caligula's going,

"What the fuck
are you people doing?"

Why don't you have
Hannibal Lecter on Iron Chef,

just kick out the jams?

Because you've got The Chamber,

The Chair, Fear Factor.

People in Texas are going,

"We got those shows.

We just don't film them."

Two weeks ago, the Supreme Court

banned execution
of retarded people

and people in Texas are going,

"Shit, where's the fun now?"

Because they were zapping

retarded people
every other week.

It was like, "Go sit
on Santa's lap, Timmy."

(makes sound)

Goddamn.

And I know the definition
of "retarded"

in Texas is pretty wide.

But...

I mean, they are...
they're out there, baby.

It's crazy.

Goddamn, brother.

They're throwing
the shit out there.

It's pretty wild, too.

You know,
even the Taliban is going,

"You are crazy
motherfuckers."

There was a guy with one leg.

They weren't going
to give him a wooden leg.

It was going to be
dead man hopping.

Five, ten, fifteen, twenty.

But there is a moment
of compassion.

Before the lethal injection,

they do an alcohol swab,
which is so nice.

(laughing)

"What the fuck
are you doing?"

"We don't want you to get that

last-second infection.

Come on now.

It's all safe now."

Well, you remember
the Winter Olympics?

They were so proud,
they had them in Utah,

saying "God,
it's a great place."

What?
Was Amish Country booked?

What happened?

"Come on down to Salt Lake.

We are going to party
like it's 1955.

Bring your wives.

Oops. Come on down."

And at the closing ceremony

they introduced Donnie and Marie

as the first couple of Utah.

I went, "Uh-uh, honey, no.

They're only a couple
in Arkansas."

(laughter)

(crowd applauding)

Ladies and gentlemen,
if you're going to Georgia,

I just want to tell you
Ted Turner and Jane Fonda

broke up, they did.

Jane found God

and Ted found out it wasn't him.

Now, we're at the Olympics
once again.

We're talking about
the figure skating,

where the judge did
all the controversy,

but I find the figure skating
to be kind of sexy.

Yeah, baby, you know,
not ice dancing,

which is polka on Valium.

That's not good.

But there's that pairs
figure skating

and there's that one
very special lift

where the male figure
skater goes, hoo,

right here,

where even
a gynecologist would go,

"Put on a glove, man."

It's that, "Who's your daddy?

Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?"

Yes.

And I'm going,
"Let's cut the foreplay,

let's have ice fucking,
come on."

Oh, (makes sound)

Yes, oh, nipples around

and there they go.

(laughter)

And she holds on

without her hands.

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

Even the French judge would go,

"I like it.

I don't care.

I'm giving them the medal.

Fuck the Canadian.

So fabulous."

And there's other
kind of sexual things

in the Olympics.
There's the luge,

which I have only one question.

What drunken German gynecologist

invented that sport?

What guy went, "You know what?

I want to dress like a sperm,

shove an ice skate in my ass,

and go balls-first
down an ice chute.

Yeah.

That will be fun."

"No! This is for pussies."

"How will you steer?"

"I will do Kegels!

I will flex my ass

and go (Indistinct).

Yeah."

And do not talk to me
about the two-man luge.

I'm saying, "Boys,
get a room! Come on."

They're going to, "Oh,
make that turn, you bastard,

make it!
Hard right, you fucker,

hard right!"

Pour guy gets to the end
of the run going,

"I got wood, man,
I'm sorry!"

"Well, you cost us the race!

Your penis going (makes sound)

was two one-hundredths
of a second's wind resistance!

We could've won if you weren't
going (makes sound)!

Dolphin boy!"

Yes, and there's always

some horrible drug scandals
in the Olympics.

This year it was a Spanish
cross-country skilor... Skilor,

which is like a skier.

(laughter)

"Are you a skilor?"

"Yes!"

He was going down there
and he basically,

they accused him of taking...

well, some
performance-enhancing drug

like an elephant
growth hormone or...

"Are you on some sort of drug?"

(makes sounds)

(laughter)

"Are you taking
an animal tranquilizer?"

(makes sounds)

Oh, no.

And they didn't
bother drug-testing

the snowboarders.
They just, "Oh.

Get the fuck out.
Go on.

Go, go, my little boys.

Have fun!"

I guess they realized the word

"half pipe" meant something.

All right. Because it was
a very strange thing.

Remember the kid
who won the gold medal?

He was in freestyle
and they said,

"Do you want to be
on a box of Wheaties?"

He went "No.

Count Chocula."

"Aha, a clue, Sherlock!"

Unlike the poor
Canadian snowboarder

in the 1998 Olympics.
They took away his medal

because he tested positive
for marijuana,

which is kind of redundant,
number one.

Number two,

they said that marijuana

was a performance-enhancing
drug.

(makes sounds)

Marijuana enhances many things.

Colors, tastes, sensations,

but you are certainly
not fucking empowered.

When you're stoned,

you're lucky if you can find
your own goddamn feet.

The only way it's a
performance-enhancing drug

is if there's a big
fucking Hershey Bar

at the end of the run.

Oh, yeah.

And then, you'll be like...

You'll be like
a Swiss ski jumper going,

"I'm there!"

Poor Canadian snowboarder.

They asked for his medal back
and he couldn't find it.

It was around his fucking neck!

"Get out of here,
you little goofy

Canadian bastard, eh."

Then they have weird sports
like the Biathlon

which is like-
it's like Norwegian drive-by.

(makes sound)

"Get the TV, Hans!"

(makes sounds).

It's crazy.
And... well, the Canadians,

they won the gold medal
in hockey

and I went,
"Come on, man. It's..."

Yay! All right, eh."

God bless you Canadian people.

You're so fucking nice, eh.

It's your only fucking sport.

Come on!

That and a mutant
form of football.

"We've got 13 men,
we have a longer field."

"Well, you have fun. Enjoy."

(laughter)

"Yes. We are the Canadians."

Canada is like a loft apartment

over a really great party,
you know?

They're like,

"Keep it down, eh!"

(cheers and applause)

They're all up there going,
"Yeah. We are nice.

We have Jean Chrétien,
our great prime minister, huh.

And we have him there,
he's right there.

He was the only man
in the world...

I don't need no Secret Service.

A guy comes to hit me,
I fucking knock him out, eh.

I'm Jean Chrétien,
which, versus your president,

who's a cretin,
but I don't care."

But for me, you know, Quebec
keeps wanting to break away

from Canada,
but still keep the currency.

What about that?

It's like a kid
moving out of the house,

but I still would like
to get money.

Fuck off, you.

What are you doing?"

Canadian money is also
called "the Loonie".

How can you take an
economic crisis seriously?

"The Loonie is down!"
"Oh, how sad for you!"

"What are you saying, eh?"

But everyone was so happy

that the Olympics,
the security was so tight.

They were like, "Security
was amazing at the Olympics."

I went, "Yeah, Utah
is the whitest fucking

State in the Union."

An Arab in Utah is like
an albino at the Apollo.

You would notice.

I was going...

(cheers and applause)

"Hey, guys, look.
We found one!

Oh. He's just tan.

Everybody else, come on now."

And the problem was

there was basically
white powder everywhere.

So all the dogs looking
for anthrax are going,

"Oh, shit!

You go, man, you go!"

Poor dogs. They look
for Anthrax and cocaine.

They go back to their cage
at the end of the day

going (makes sounds)

"I can't taste my ass.
I don't know why.

Oh! Oh!

It's my tail!"

Meanwhile your cat sits
over there going,

"You're still an asshole,
you know that."

Is it me,
or are cats drag queens?

I think they are.

The way they kind of go,
"Who loves Kitty?

You love Kitty?

Are these your shoes?

(retches)

Who loves Kitty?
Who loves Kitty?"

And the way they have
that whole thing

two male cats have
that amazing thing

when they're kind of
walking around going,

"That's mine.

Mine!

I like that, too."

Thank God men aren't like that!

"Hey. Nice car, Bob.

Mine now!"

"What are you doing?"

"Oh. Just shopping!

Fuck off!"

Yeah, baby.

(cheers and applause)

But...

the whole anthrax thing
had people going.

Remember they said,
"Don't open your mail."

"Why?"

"There's white powder
in envelopes."

"Really?

Your mother and I used to look

for white powder in envelopes.

We weren't online.
We did lines, my friend.

Yes. Oh, yeah.

And there were ninjas
on the fucking lawn,

trying to kill us."

And now, there are people
trying to kill us.

And that's why
I bought a gas mask

and I thought, "I'll be safe.

I've got a gas mask."
I went, "Wait a minute."

I can't even get a condom on
when I want to.

You know that thing
where you're going,

"Hey, baby.

Yeah, I got a-
I got a love glove.

Yeah.
Hold on.

Yeah.
(makes sound)

I'll be right with you, honey.

(makes sound)

Don't go away on me now."

You're playing beat the cock.

"Come on now,

I got it! I got it!
I got it!"

(makes sound)

And there's your penis
like a midget

in a diving suit.

"I don't think
we're going in today, Pete.

We didn't make the deadline."

Oh yeah, baby.

It's out.

And...

do you remember when they sent
anthrax to Congress?

They did. They send it
to Tom Daschle's office

and they cleared
that fucking place out.

It was like,
"Everybody out, come on!"

Hazmat suits,
they're all leaving,

they're putting him underground,
they're protecting him.

But as the Congressmen
walk out they go,

"But the rest of you,

go about your lives.

Everything is perfectly okay.

We'll be miles away."

It's like when you go
to the dentist

and he puts a little
lead bib over your balls.

He walks behind concrete, going,

"You'll be fine!"

(laughter)

But how can you tell
if Congress was sick?

It's Night of the Living Dead
anyway.

They're all over...
all those old senators

like Strom and Jesse going,

"You know, you know,
the Confederate flag

is just a symbol
of states' rights."

"Yeah, and the swastika

is just a Tibetan
good luck charm.

Now, come on.

Come on out of here now."

It's scary.

And I have one thing,

when did Ted Kennedy
become Jabba the Hutt?

He's huge!

You're a Kennedy,
not a Macy's Day float.

Come on!

Bring him down.
We're voting!

"Step away, boy.

I said no to the Krispy Kreme!"

"Yes!"

And Congress recently approved

the covert plan

to assassinate Saddam Hussein.

So what they've done

is publicly approve

the secret plan
to assassinate Hussein.

I wonder if he knows.

Ah, but I do know.

I know this one thing.

I know there's a cure
for whatever bio-terrorism

that they send at us.

I know there's one, and it lies

within Keith Richards.
I know that.

He's the only man on the planet

who can go, "Anthrax?

(sniffs).

All right.

Hey.

Doesn't go with my E. coli,

but fuck."

Keith is the only man
who can make the Osbornes

look fucking Amish.

He's insane.

I've seen Keith
go to a drug dealer

and the drug dealer is going,

"I'm out, man.
I'm sorry.

I have nothing left."

Supposedly he goes
to Switzerland

and changes his blood,
not like one pint,

but like a fucking Chevrolet,
all of it.

I just want to know
who gets his blood.

Some old Swiss man is going,

"Heidi,

we've got to go on tour,
you bitch.

We got to pay for Mick's babies.

Come on."

Because I know this.

I know that we may
all be dead and gone.

Keith will still be there
with five cockroaches.

Keith will go, "You know,
I smoked your uncle,

did you know that?

Fucking crazy."

Because this is what's
happening,

ladies and gentlemen,
every so often,

Rumsfeld comes out and goes,

"I don't know where.

I don't know when.

But something awful
is going to happen.

Thank you.
That's all for today.

No further questions."

"Excuse me.
Can you give me a clue?"

"What is it? The Central
Intuitive Agency now, eh?

Are you working
with Miss Cleo?"

"Oh, baby.

I don't know where.
I don't know when.

But something awful
is going to happen,

and definitely
don't marry that fat man.

He only wants you
for your money, girl."

People are suing
Miss Cleo for fraud.

I went, "Fucking duh!"

What do you want?

What do you want?
A blind tarot card

before you go, "Aha!"

First of all,
if she's a psychic,

why does she need
a fucking phone number?

Number one.

Number two, that fake...

yeah, that Jamaican
accent going,

"Oh. I don't know it."
Like, if she was a real psychic,

she'd be like those
Louisiana psychics going,

"You're gonna die!

You gots to puck your ass up.

Take a... pull a place
for your bike.

Come on now!"

I'm saying it's like buying
hair care products from Cher.

She's wearing a wig, you idiot!

Here's what you have to do.

You have to take
that little abdominal thing

that help you lose weight

while it shocks your fat ass

sitting watching TV.

I'm getting six-pack abs

by knocking my testicles around.

No, what you do is you strap
that to your head.

And say, "I will not buy

stupid shit for no reason.

There you go.

Good.

There's a good one.

Because now, men,
we are in troubled times.

You know, when it
initially happened,

I thought the Statue
of Liberty would change.

Instead of "Give me
your tired, your poor,"

it'd be here
with a baseball bat going,

"You want a piece of me?"

Because when it happened
there was hardcore security.

New York, you had hardcore
security stopping people

on their way in the tunnels.

In Washington
they'd have F-18s flying,

air cover everywhere.

In San Francisco,

not-so-hardcore security.

The Golden Gate Bridge
at one end,

there's a Hummer,
and I'm talking about the car.

(laughter)

People are going, "Really?"
Now what?

One Hummer here,
two National Guardsmen.

At the other end of the bridge,

another Hummer,
two National Guardsmen.

The problem is the Hummer
and the National Guardsmen

are in jungle camouflage.

For those of you who've never
been to San Francisco,

the bridge is bright orange.

So I feel like going,

"Be very, very quiet.

(laughter)

"We're looking
for terrorists."

No,

and, but airport security,

remember before
all this happened

it was like, "Oh," Beep.

"Okay. Get on the plane,
come on,

get on the plane.

Hold on, one moment.
Oh, what's that?

Oh, that's a gun.
Okay.

Get on the plane."

(crowd laughs)

You could carry
a four-inch blade on a plane.

That's about that long.

What are you doing?
West Side Story in the aisle?

"Going down the aisle,

crazy aisle."

Now, you can't even carry

a nail-clipper on a plane.

"All right.

Give me the plane
or the bitch loses a cuticle."

(laughter)

"I've got a nail file.

I could be irritating."

And if you have a steak
or any piece of meat,

they don't give you a knife.

So it's like
Quest for Fire flight.

Like (makes noises)

"Sir, you're making
a lot of noise."

The Hindu man
in the back is going,

"Hold the bowl higher,
hold it higher.

Don't be afraid to beg.

Use your hands."

Because now when you go
through airport security,

that's tight.

You go through
the metal detector,

and if you're heavily pierced
like some of my friends,

it's like (buzzer noise)

"Take out your keys, sir."

"Tip of the iceberg."

(makes sound)

For those playing the home game,

this is called a Prince Albert.

And I'm sure
that was his last wish.

I'm sure Albert said,

"Victoria, I'm dying.

I want you to name a museum,
a performance hall,

and a bolt through the cock
after me.

That will be Victoria's Secret."

Go, my darling.

Sell little thongs
to people like that,

and little anal floss.
Go, go, go, my dear."

And I'm talking pierced,
though, heavily pierced.

Not like Britney Spears,
"I'm a virgin."

Yeah, and Michael Jackson's
the father.

Move on.
Now, I'm talking

like a hoop through your nipple.

You know ladies that get that,

I'm guessing.

(laughter)

Whoopsie.

Just the kind of the way...

the way your clothes are,
kind of, going.

You know when you have
a big hoop for your nip,

you're going, "What are you
going to do? Tie up a pony?"

No.

Or you have two hoops
through the nipples.

You go, "His and hers towels.

His and hers."
Whatever you want.

A towel down here,
so you can wash up.

Fun.

But the most interesting thing
is when you see a girl

with a bolt through her tongue.

And I went,
"Why did you do that?"

"To enhance
the sexual stimulation."

"Nothing drives
my boyfriend crazy

like the feel of cold steel

on his hot rod.

But the problem is I ended up
knocking out all my teeth

and living in a trailer park
with a man named Bubba."

That's the trade-off,
my darling.

You know, you get the tattoo
with the barbed wire now

when you're 18,
and by the time you're 80

it's fucking picket fence.

And Madonna, you get it now,

and by the time
you're 80 she turns

into Margaret Hamilton going,

"Oh, I'm dying,

melting."

Here's what you wanna do.
Here's some fun stuff.

When I was growing up
I didn't have Playboy

or Penthouse.
Sad for me.

But I had National Geographic

and the girls
that got me crazy...

oh, yeah.

You know, the ones
with the slinky neck going,

(speaking foreign language)

Do that.
Drive your parents crazy

when you come down
the stairs going,

(speaking foreign language)

or do the full Ubangi.

Go, "Mom, Dad,

it's also a CD-player".

And you could take out
the plate and jump rope

with your lower lip.
Have fun.

Watch grandma go,
"Shit."

Because...

oh,

(speaks foreign language)

Union guys going,
"Don't touch it, Mr. Williams."

(cheers and applause)

This shit is going to be
more precious than oil.

This is the stuff.

Ten years from now.
It's already starting to happen.

People will be going, "Psst, yo,

I got water.

And if you want it cold,

I got ice, motherfucker."

Now, when you're going
on the planes now,

you always have this
strange thing that comes out.

This sweet little
Southern stewardess

usually comes out and goes,
"Ladies and gentlemen,

before we board flight five,

we are just going to do
a few random bag checks.

These are totally random.

I'm just going to read off
a few names.

Hassam Bin Seen,

Akeem Bin Laid,

Havum Bin Fucked,

Judy Smith."

Fourteen Arabs and a blonde?

And every black man
and every Hispanic man

in the room is going,
"Thank you, God.

Oh, Lord, yes,

we're off the list,
motherfucker,

yeah,

yeah, I did it.

"The man's going to be fucking
with you now, Habib.

You better learn
to go orale."

And sure,
they try and mix it up.

They take the knitting needles
away from the 85-year old lady.

"Why? Because I'm going
to knit an Afghan?"

"Give them to me."

And the five year-old kid,

they're patting him down,
he's going,

"What are you doing?
You're not a priest.

Let go of me."

(cheers and applause)

"Oh, I see.

So you had a problem too,
I guess."

Father Pat's little
private patent chess, like,

"Good game, boy, good game.

Good game.

Wash up, Timmy,
really wash up."

It's amazing
that you would catch them,

and it wasn't just enough
to catch them,

but they had the divine witness
protection program.

You know, "Find the priest,
here's the pedophile,

here's the priest, find the
pedophile, find the priest,

find the pedophile,
they're moving around,

then they're going
(Indistinct) okay

(Indistinct)
they're coming through,

here we go.

Don't you ask, don't you tell,

you might end up right in hell.

Here we go, here we go.

Here's your check,
direct from Rome,

buy yourself a brand new home.

Moving around, moving around."

Isn't it amazing?

The Pope...

(cheers and applause)

And it's...

applause break number two.

But it's amazing
when the Pope gathered

all the cardinals in Rome
and went (makes sound).

The only problem is he's dressed

like Liberace's stunt double.

Oops.

(crowd laughs)

I have a solution, though,

for problem priests,

a little thing, a shock collar,

if they go near a kid,
it's like,

"You know, Timmy,
(makes sound) oh.

Tommy, I think...
(makes sound) Oh, okay.

Or the automated confessional,

could be fun.

"If this is a venal sin,

press one.

If this is a carnal sin,

press two.

If this is cardinal law,

please stay on the line.

Because you have to remember,

it's not just a sin,

it's a felony.

So we have to keep track.

Now, you have one other thing.

(cheers and applause)

We now know.

Right now that's up there,
as they're watching.

Hi, Mr. Ashcroft.

But we're now

under the auspices
of Homeland Security.

Tom Ridge will come out
every so often and go,

"Today is a blue day."
"No, orange," "Red,"

and they have to be
very careful picking that name,

"Homeland Security".

You couldn't say Fatherland

because a lot
of the old Germans are going,

"That's a good one."

But Homeland Security,

it sounds like
Home Front Security,

which was England
during World War II.

Old men with pitchforks
and colostomy bags,

defending England.

There they were, I captured
Rudolf Hess personally.

I threw my colostomy bag,

covered him in shite and said,

"Get out of that Fokker,
you fucker,

get out."

There I did it.

And I also find out now
that Winston Churchill,

one of the greatest orators
of all time,

may have been so fucked up

on cognac and champagne

that he didn't do
some of his great speeches.

They were done by a man
from the BBC

who also did Winnie the Pooh.

(crowd laughs)

We will fight them
on the beaches,

in the air, on the land.

Eeyore and Tigger.

And he was fighting
against Hitler.

A man who recently
a book declared

was a homosexual,
and I always thought

this was a clue.

That, and the leather,
and the dancing.

But...

we are now finding
ourselves once again

drawn to England
during these troubled times.

Tony Blair, a militant liberal.

Over here, George W. Bush,

compassionate conservative.

I don't know what that is,
sounds kind of like a Volvo

with a gun rack. But...

Over here, Tony Blair,

a man who must address
the House of Commons,

which is like Congress
with a two-drink minimum,

crazy place.

"I believe my worthy opponents-"

"Oh, fuck off.

Shite, bollocks, you bastard.

Fuck you."

Will someone remove
Mrs. Thatcher from the chamber?

There she goes.

But it was Tony who said,

"This heinous incident
has brought us

to the edge of oblivion.

But our civilization
shall endure."

And there's poor W going,

"Shit, I can't even spell that."

(crowd laughs)

Damn.

Because you look at Bush
and you realize

it's Bush 2.0, okay?

It's a beta release.

He came with certain bugs

in the software, all right?

He'll go, "This country
will not be taken hostile,

oops, delete, delete, hostage."

Okay.

And then, you look at him
and you realize

he does have
a short attention span.

He'll be going,
"Our economy is going-

oh, look at the kitty".

(crowd laughs)

But...

he kind of reminds me
of the guy in college

with a towel going,
(makes sound) "Gotcha!"

But...

(cheers and applause)

You just don't want him
to drive.

But you realize,
some men are born great,

some achieve greatness,

some get it
as a graduation gift.

That's okay.

Historically...

(cheers and applause)

you have... you must look at it

from a historical
perspective, though.

He's George II, the boy-king.

A man we thought
could only lose,

but somehow won
because of confused Hebrews.

Yes!

It is that,
and notice this, my friends.

W doesn't speak
while Cheney's drinking water.

Check that shit out.

(crowd laughs)

That's why, baby.

When everything went down,
they put W out there,

but they protected Cheney.

♪ It's like me
and my shadow government ♪

(shushes)
And remember that Cheney,

who had an angioplasty.

Most people wait
till it kind of heals.

He was like,
"I'm perfectly fine!

I'm okay!"

And there's Ashcroft
in the back going,

"Work the arms, you asshole!
Work the arm."

Folks, you have to remember,

here's the drill,
you have to remember,

John Ashcroft is a man

who lost to a dead man
in Missouri.

You can't forget that,
choices in Missouri

were John Ashcroft, dead man.

(cheers and applause)

And people in Missouri went,

"I'm sorry,
but, I'm sorry, John,

the dead man scares me
less than you do."

So, you got to know it.

(cheers and applause)

And here's the drill for me.

You know, it's strange,

but I know this.

It doesn't scare me
that W waved at Stevie Wonder.

That's okay.

(crowd laughs)

That's okay.

Stevie's only been blind
since birth.

And there's W going, "Stevie!"

Even Stevie Wonder's going,

"Is that motherfucker
waving at me?"

(crowd laughs)

Goddamn.

Does he think
I'm looking for him?

Goddamn!"

No.

What scares me

is that W almost died

from a fucking pretzel.

We have billions of dollars

in National Defense.

They want billions more
for national security

to up the stakes.

And he almost fucking goes down
from snack food!

Secret Service are going,

"Game's over, man!"

"Gilligan's down,
Gilligan's down."

(crowd laughs)

"Step away from the chip, sir!"

Do we have to have people go,
"Hydrate, you bastard! Hydrate!"

His own dogs didn't give a shit.

They were licking him
for the salt.

(cheers and applause)

What is it, boy?

You need a dog that cares.
A dog like Lassie who'd go,

(barks)

"What's wrong, Lassie?

The President swallowed
something

and you did the Heimlich?"
(barks)

"What else, girl?"

(barks)

"Mr. Cheney is meeting
with the Enron people?"

(barks)

"An Enron employee
is secretary of the Navy?"

(barks)

"What about the Harken loan?"
(barks)

"Sorry, girl, we're going
to have to put you down."

♪ Oh, Kenny Boy ♪

♪ The Feds,
the Feds are coming ♪

♪ I went in on a Monday
and my stocks were gone ♪

♪ Enron, ron, ron, ron,
Enron ron ♪

Oh,

welcome, boys and girls,

to Disney's new ride,

Investment Pirates
of the Caribbean.

(crowd laughs)

Your money checks in,
it doesn't check out.

We have to know this,
my friends, you know this.

Sometimes you catch
George unprepared.

He says unusual things.

Like the first day they said,

"Mr. Bush,
what are we going to do?"

He said,
"Well, we're going to go

after these folks
and conduct a crusade."

And everybody
in the room went, "Ooh."

Ix-nay on u-crade-say.

(crowd laughs)

All throughout the Middle East

(speaking foreign language)

Hide the women and children
and the number zero,

they're coming!

And you can't bomb the Afghanis

back to the Stone Age
because they'll go,

"Upgrade. Fuck!"

"Now,

today's bombing raid
has enlarged the hole

from yesterday's bombing raid.

We have moved rubble
from here to here.

Goat in the upper right corner,

possible member
of the Taliban or "concubine,"

we are not sure.

We did fire
the hundred million-dollar

cruise missile up its ass
and were successful.

Operation Extreme Redundancy
is carrying on."

Now,

then we started to drop bombs,

food,

food, bombs.

And here's the fun part.

Some of the bombs
were little yellow bombs

and the food packages
were little yellow packages.

So now you're playing
Survivor, The Real Game.

It's like, "Okay, Bob,
I was here yesterday.

I'm going to go
for this one today."

And what was in those packages?

Pop-Tarts, peanut butter,

and all you need
is a honey-baked ham

and you got a Redneck Christmas.

But...

who dropped the honey-baked ham
on the Muslim? Fuck me.

(shushes) Idiot.

Now,

why are we dropping
Pop-Tarts and peanut butter

on Afghanistan?

Number one, it tastes
a shit load better than dirt.

Yes.

Number two,
and more importantly,

very difficult
to have a call to jihad

with a mouthful
of peanut butter.

(cheers and applause)

Secondly... or thirdly,

for those keeping track...

(crowd laughs)

Afghanistan
is a hashish-smoking culture.

And anyone who's ever been
a friend of the hookah

will go, "Pop-Tarts."

(crowd laughs)

(speaking foreign language)

Yes! Got milk?

(speaking foreign language)

Because what we're trying to do,

we're trying to win
hearts and minds.

How do we do that?
Do we build a big amusement park

called "Muslim Mountain"
with Gaddafi Duck?

No!

(crowd laughs)

Do we have a wet burka contest?

No!

Do we play Cat Stevens
records all day?

Fuck off!

♪ I'm being followed
by a mullah shadow ♪

Fuck! No.

Drop Martha Stewart tapes?

No!

Do we have a children show
called "Saudi Doody"?

No.

What we must do is go the Greek
way, the Liz Estrada way,

you gotta get a sister,
you know what I'm saying?

And you got to get a sister
from Brooklyn.

Uh-hmm.

You know what I mean,
uh-huh, girl?

You know what I'm saying?

One of those bitches
you see on Jerry Springer

going, "Hmm-hmm-hmm."

Drop her ass in Kabul
and she'll go,

"Girl, you don't have to dress
like a motherfucking beekeeper!

Forget that!"

(cheers and applause)

Hmm-hmm.

"You don't have
to be Casper's bitch.

Forget all that!

Take off that Hefty bag, girl,
hmm-hmm.

And if he picks up a rock
because you're talking

to another man, you pick up
a bigger rock and say,

'Shee-ot has hit
the fan, motherfucker!'

Hmm-hmm.

He tries to cut off
your clitoris,

make you a Barbie Doll,
you grab a knife and say,

'Lorena Bobbitt time!'

Don't make me go cobra,

I will go Oprah on your ass.

Don't make me!
Hmm-hmm."

Because what are we
dealing with, we're dealing

with fundamentalists,
the Amish are fundamentalists,

but they don't try and hijack
a carriage at needlepoint.

No.

And, if you're ever
in Amish country

and you see a man with his arm
buried in a horse's ass,

that's a mechanic,
remember that.

(crowd laughs)

Well...

who are we looking for?

We are looking
for Osama Bin Laden,

one of 52 children.

Even Freud would say,

"He has issues."

What does he look like
without the beard?

Howard Stern, Barbra Streisand?

I don't know, I don't care!

I know this,
he's a six-foot-five Arab

on dialysis.

Why is that
so fucking hard to find?

(crowd laughs)

They said,
(speaking foreign language)

"Look for somebody
attached to their luggage."

Try this.

I also know one thing.
When you see the tapes of him,

you see a psychopath,

very commonly talking
about horrible things. I went,

"Wait a minute,
we have some of our own."

Theodore Kaczynski,
sitting around

with nothing to do.

Ted's played A Beautiful Mind,

the home game.

You give Ted a mailing list

and some tools.

You say, "Ted, these people
have been bad.

He goes, "Are they bad?"
"Oh, very bad!"

"I just need a...
I just want a few things."

"Oh, I know you do!

Here you go."

Or maybe we get Charles Manson.

Great organizer,
incredible with chicks.

But no, you can't use him.

Because Chucky all the time
comes up for parole

and he's gouged a swastika
in his forehead.

I'm better, in many ways, yeah.

"Charles, what would you do
if you got out?"

"I'd kill everybody."

Whoopsy.

Because what are we
dealing with?

One of the fundamental things
is in a jihad-

That sounds like a country
Western term like, "Jeeha!"

But if in a jihad,
you kill an infidel,

which I'm sad to say
is all of us,

and you yourself die,
you go to heaven,

and you are greeted
by 71 dark-haired virgins.

Now, anyone who's ever been
with one virgin is going,

"I don't know."

(crowd laughs)

"For my talent portion..."

No, no.

No, no, no.

And recently,

there was an article
in the New York Times.

The Koran scholar said,

"The actual translation
is not 71 dark-haired virgins,

but 71 crystal clear raisins."

(crowd laughs)

Slight difference
in interpretation, really.

That's very strange,
like finding out,

"Thou shalt not kill"

is,
"Thou shalt not wear a kilt."

And the Scottish are going,
"Fuck off!"

No.

And imagine some guy
who blows himself up,

goes to the gates
of heaven saying,

"Where are my bitches?"
"Here are your raisins."

(crowd laughs)

Or 71 Virgils going,

"You got a pretty mouth!"

Hoo-ey!

Well, one day we get
Osama Bin Laden,

he goes through
the gates of Heaven,

there's George Washington
waiting, going,

"How dare you defile
that which we created?"

and starts wailing on his ass.

70 other members of the
Continental Congress come down

and start kicking
the shit out of him.

And then he's going,
"What is this?

Where are the virgins?"

"Seventy-one Virginians,
you asshole!"

(crowd laughs)

(speaking foreign language)

"I must talk to Jesus Christ!

Where is Jesus Christ?"

And Saint Peter goes,
"Hey, Jesus,

did you call a cab?"
Come here.

(crowd laughs)

Aha!

Yes, I heard it.

Finally the PC (hisses).

We crossed
the politically correct line.

It was okay to beat
the shit out of him,

but don't do the ethnic joke.

(hisses)

How Buddhist of you!

Yes.

Remember when they destroyed
the two Buddhas?

What would Buddha do?
Nothing.

What does a Buddhist
terrorist do?

Goes in the middle
of the street,

takes the gas,

self-barbecue.

People who are killing
each other in the name of God

are going,
"The fuck are you doing?"

"Making you deal
with your shit."

Because I don't understand
the whole fundamentalist thing.

You see, I'm an Episcopal.

That's Catholic-lite.

(crowd laughs)

It's kind of like same religion,

half the guilt,
it's frightening.

(crowd laughs)

You know, Catholics
have confession.

Episcopals have Thanksgiving,

your dad has a couple
of gin and tonics.

(crowd laughs)

"I never loved your mother,
you know that, don't you?"

"No, I didn't, Dad,
and she's right there.

Tell her again."

(crowd laughs)

Because you have to realize,

Episcopal is basically
Church of England,

which was Henry VIII
breaking away

from the Catholic Church going,

"I'm the fucking pope now.

Ha, ha, ha."

He broke away, and then people
broke away from that church.

There were Calvinists.

They found him to be too loose.

And then there were the people
who broke away

from the Calvinists,
they were the Puritans,

our ancestors,
people so uptight,

the English kicked them out.

How fucking anal
do you have to be

for the English to go,
"Get the fuck out."

(crowd laughs)

"No, take your pimp shoes
and go."

And they land here
in America going,

"Hello.

We bring you guilt,
syphilis, and alcohol.

I hope you don't mind.
Here, chief.

Try this,
and once you've drunk it,

just keep moving
until your feathers float.

There you go."

And the Indians go,
"Ah, but we have a gift for you.

For us, it's a sacred herb.

But for you it'll be
an addictive carcinogen.

I hope you enjoy it."

"Tobacco is a lot of fun.

And a good cash crop
in the end."

"Hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey.

Seven, heya."

(cheers and applause)

"Welcome to Custer's,

a Casino that cares.

This is my wife,
Sits with a Full House.

It is now time
for the white man to get drunk.

And we will get back
the land you took from us.

Thank you."

And here's the thing.

All those people, the Puritans,
they stayed here,

and then their groups
broke away from them,

and then you get the people
that really become severe,

and the people
who knock on your door

at 6:30 in the morning
on Sunday going,

"Have you found Jesus?"

And you just want to come
to the door nude and go,

"No. Help me look for him.

Come on."

Yeah.

You get people like Pat Robinson
and Jerry Falwell who said,

"This was brought upon us
by our sinful ways."

I want to put them on a plane,
take them over to the ayatollah

and have World Wide
Fundamentalist Wrestling.

One time only.

A life-after-death match
for all of our souls.

Let's get ready to humble.

Because here's the drill.

Fundamentalists take it
to be "the word."

Not translatable,
not metaphorical, "the word."

In the beginning, Genesis,
"Let there be light."

Could that be a metaphor
for the Big Bang?

"No, God just went click."

So, you're saying we're all
descendants from Adam and Eve?

Then we're all cousins."

"That's right."

(makes sound)

Here's the thing.

There are miracles, though.

There's miracles in the Bible.

Like when Moses,

and I'm not talking
Guns N' Moses, no.

I'm not talking.

Not Charlton Heston going,
"Let the Jews go

or the pharaoh gets two
in the head."

No.

Charlton Heston, a man who said,

"Guns don't kill people.

Apes with guns kill people."

No, Chucky, no.

The second amendment,
it started off,

it was muzzle loaders,
people going like this.

And this still continues,
that's okay.

But I'm talking about the time
Moses said to Pharaoh,

"Let my people go,"

and Pharaoh went,
"In your dreams."

And Moses called to God going,

"God, I need some help."

And frogs fell from the sky.

Maybe they fell from the sky

or maybe there were Jews
with catapults going,

"Now."

And thank God
it was the Egyptians

and not the French,
because the French would go,

"Lunch. Okay.

Why should we let you go?

You're great caterers.
I can't let you go,

you crazy people, eh?"

But frogs fell from the sky.

At that point I'd be going,

"Get your shit and out."

But frogs, wait a minute.

That's what we should do,
that's what we should drop

on Afghanistan.

Not bombs, not food.

Fucking frogs.

Frogs, lizards,
hamsters, gerbils,

shit they haven't seen.

And if you want to get people
out of caves,

a shitload of New York rats.

(crowd laughs)

Oh, baby.

You know,

New York rats would be going,

"Hey, come on. Raid.

(laughs)

I eat pussy, literally.

Bring it on."

But that's what they drop then.

And even then,
Pharaoh was nonplussed,

"Oh, please, David Copperfield,
no."

And then boils,
and then first born dies.

"That's it.

Hebrews get out," and everybody,

"(speaking foreign
language) everybody.

Hello, let's not wait
for the bread to rise.

Just take the crackers
and the skin off your penis.

We're leaving."

"Excuse me,
why the skin off a penis?"

"We're traveling, people,
you don't want sand in there.

Let's go."

(crowd laughs)

And this is so passé.

The dicky thing, forget it.

Let's move.

We're going through the desert.

And then they get
the 10 Commandments,

it would be adjusted
by certain presidents.

That happens later.

And they get to the Red Sea.

There, the sea, the sea.

And they go,
"What now, Mr. Magic?

What do we do now?"

What, are we going to walk
on the fregs' bocks...

the frogs' bucks-

frogs' backs.

Thank you for watching me
this far.

(laughter)

"Obviously, I did inhale."

"So...

what do we do now,
Mr. Big Shot?"

And he calls to God again

and the sea parts.

And even the most doubting Jew
is going,

"You're good."

"Let's go, everybody.
Come on, everybody, let's move.

Don't eat the shellfish.
I'll tell you why later.

Let's go."

(laughter)

"Where are we going?"

"To Jerusalem,
to start years of struggle,

and later to Miami
to fuck up an election.

Let's go."

(speaks foreign language)

And then the pharaoh comes,
but the sea closes,

and he calls
to his cat-like God,

but his cat-like god
can't do shit,

because it's afraid of water

(makes sound)

(singing foreign language)

And then,
there's another miracle.

The night that Mary said to Joe,

"Joe, I'm pregnant."

And Joe went,
"Holy Mother of God."

And she went,
"You're right."

"Oh, Jesus Christ."

"What a great name, Joe.

That is so much better
than Shmuel.

Way to go.

I love you, Joe."

"Wait, hold on a minute,
Mary. Hold on a minute.

So I'm the stepfather
of God's kid?"

"Yeah."
"So I can't discipline him?"

I can't go, 'You've done wrong, '
because the kid will look at me

and say,
'You're not my real dad.'

What are you doing, Mary?

How did it happen?"

"Oh, it's immaculate, Joe."

"Oh, it better be, Mary.

It better be immaculate."

I'm sorry, I'm transforming Joe

into Ralph Kramden.

(laughter)

But it seemed
to be kind of appropriate

because up to that point,

all the names in the Bible
are very Jewish.

You have Noah, Moses, Zebedee,

and then you get Mary and Joe.

We're just a hyphenate away

from Mary-Jean and Joe-Bob.

We could've had Jim Bob,
the son of God.

♪ Praise to him ♪

♪ Jim-Bob ♪

♪ He who finds the stuff ♪

♪ And gets me a job ♪

♪ Jim-Bob ♪

And here's the other drill.

Jesus was an only child.

Because, thank God,
who would want to be Jerry,

the brother of Christ?

(laughter)

That's a tough gig.

"Come on, Jerry,
we're going to the beach."

"Oh, great, mom.
Yeah, Jesus is going to walk

on the water,
feed everybody, heal them

and get a whole bunch
of disciples.

I'll sit there with a rash
and sand in my ass.

Great day for me.

(laughter)

He ends up in a bar
at the age 30 going,

"Yeah, I'm Jerry Christ,
whoop dee doo."

(laughter)

"Yeah, I've got... I've got...
I healed somebody.

Here, Spot.
Come here, boy. Heel.

Yeah, look at that.

Yeah, my brother.
Yeah, Jesus, he's a carpenter,

I'm a plumber.
You do the math."

And people say to me,
they say Jesus wasn't Jewish.

I say of course he was Jewish.

Thirty years old, single,

living at home
with his parents, come on.

(laughter)

Working in his father's
business,

his mother thought
he was God's gift,

he's Jewish.
Give it up.

It's an old tradition.

And if he was Jewish,

and many of his Disciples
were Jewish,

for the Last Supper,

would they not have gone out
for Chinese?

I think so.

"Welcome to Yahweh.
Hold... one moment,

no service, no sandal.

Okay. You come in now.

Hold on, you are twelve.

All I got is two tables of six
right now.

They're not together.

Wait a minute, hold on,

I got one big table
by the window,

but you all have to face
this way.

All right.

Hold on, you are glowing,

so I guess we won't need
the lamp.

That's very nice.

And you've just turned
a Szechuan chicken

into a live chicken.
You're very good."

And it's said...

that night that Jesus turned

to his disciples and said,

"One of you shall betray me."

And Peter said,
"Is it me, Jesus?"

And Jesus said,
"No, it is not you, Peter."

And Simon said,
"Is it me, Jesus?"

And Jesus turned to Simon
and said,

"No, it is not you, Simon."

And Judas said,
"Is it me, Jesus?"

And Jesus turned to him
and went, "Is it me, Jesus?"

(laughter)

Thus, you see
two traditions beginning,

Jewish sarcasm
and Gentile humor.

Together born.

At that main moment,

and the next day
the miracle occurred,

Crucifixion, Resurrection,

and he rose again from the dead,

and if he sees his shadow,
another 2000 years of guilt.

Yes.

And here is, for me,

the one big question.

How do you get Crucifixion,
Resurrection,

and then chocolate bunnies,

colored eggs?

(laughter)

How do you do that one?

Even kids are going,

"Rabbits don't lay eggs.
What is this?"

And you don't want a kid
biting the head off

a chocolate Jesus.
That's not good.

And you don't want
a little cream-filled cross

going (makes sound).
No, you don't want that.

And you don't want
to be putting raspberry jam

in the grass going,

"We're looking for Jesus,
kids, come on."

Because what are we trying
to do?

You're trying
to keep them involved.

That's why we have the saints,

all the saints that did
all those amazing things

to keep you,
"Oh, when the Saints."

They're all there to keep you...
keep the action up.

And then we're starting
to lose them.

Like Saint Christopher.

"Chris, sorry, babe.

Dashboard sales are down.

The medals aren't selling
very well.

Drop the kid off your back,
pick up your stuff,

you're outta here, baby.
Thank you.

We're going to have Saint Prada,

our Lady of Accessories.
Come on."

But I want a saint
like Mother Teresa.

Oh, she's the one who said,

"You can do no great things,

only small things
with great love."

And Pat Robertson said,

"She's not a real Christian."

"Why, Pat?
Because she doesn't have

a tax shelter and a university?

Give it up, baby."

Mother Teresa
never had a line of products,

she never had her own perfume.

"Compassion" by Mother Teresa.

"I smell, because I care.

Compassion."

Gandhi never had Gandhi Jeans.

Whether you're simply not eating

or telling the English
to get the fuck out.

Gandhi Jeans.

They come in size one and below.

Because Gandhi
was an amazing man.

They asked Gandhi,
"What do you think

of Western civilization?"

He said, "I think it would be
a wonderful idea."

But I know as beatific
as Gandhi was,

there was somebody
in a Bombay bar going,

"I know Gandhi.

He was a prick."

"I saw him sucking
on a pork hot dog,

hitting on Mother Teresa."

He kept saying,
"Who's your diaper daddy?

Who's diaper, daddy?"

(laughter)

"I saw that with my eyes.

I saw that and
if you don't believe me,

I'll bitch slap you like Shiva.

I can do that.

Don't press this.
Don't fucking do that.

Don't go ding-dong, you asshole.

Because India
has the atomic bomb, my friend.

I could turn this whole place

into Chicken Tikka. Hmm.

India has the bomb,
Pakistan has the bomb,

and we're prepared
to fight over Kashmir,

and your fucking president

probably thought
it was a sweater.

What an asshole.

I tell you this.

India detonated

seven underground nuclear tests.

Pakistan detonated
seven underground nuclear tests,

and your spy satellites

were like Ray Charles
in the Louvre.

They didn't have a fucking clue.

This is what I'm telling you.

India has the bomb,

Pakistan has the bomb,

China has the bomb,
or maybe not.

Maybe they just have
one billion people go, "Boom."

Russia has the bomb.

"We have many bombs."

We don't know
where they all are.

Maybe you want a dirty bomb.

And the French...

the French have a bomb, too.

Maybe they have
the Michelin bomb, ha,

only destroys restaurants
under four stars.

And they still test their bombs.

They're one of the few people
who still detonate their bombs.

The underground tests,
where did they do it?

In the Sahara,
in the total wasteland?

No, fuck off.

In Tahiti.

In paradise.

Why?
"Because we're French.

Oh, look a Greenpeace boat's

coming to protest.
Fuck off, I sink you.

I'm a badass motherfucker,
am I not?

Look, I'm giving a cigarette
to a baby.

(laughter)

Do it.

Suck on this cigarette,
my darling.

Life is shit.
Get to know this.

Oh, you Americans,
'It's bad for the baby.'

Fuck all of you Americans.

(sniffs)

Americans,
with your politically correct-

Americans.
Fuck all of you.

You culture-less crass Americans.

We hate all of you.

Fuck all of-

The Germans are here.

Hello, Americans.

I love you.

Come on, America.

Hello.

Welcome back, Americans.

No, come,
you can build a Disneyland

near Paris.

We won't go, but build it.

And we'll have a Minnie Mouse

with armpit hair.
It will be great."

Smoking a Gauloises, going,

"I never loved Mickey,
you know that.

What? He has three fingers.

What am I?
A bowling ball?

Fuck off.

Don't love him.

You're a crass rat-like bastard

that don't care."

But there is one country

that watches out for all of us,

the Swiss, ja.

The Geneva Convention.

If there is ever a nuclear war,

they will be
the only people going,

"What was that noise?"

In their big
hollowed-out country,

with their chocolate
and their watches, ja.

The nice Germans, ja.

Or, as they like to say,

the other white race. Now,

I have only one question.

How can you trust an army,

how butch is an army

that has a wine opener
on its knife?

"Many of you men
have never opened Chardonnay

under fire."

(laughter and applause)

First of all,
you take out the wine

then you pull out the cork,
smell it,

say meat or fish and throw.

♪ I don't know,
but I've been told ♪

♪ Chardonnay
must be served cold, ja ♪

Oh, but... my God.

Where did all this
Impressionistic art come from?

And all this jewelry
from 1939 to 1945?

Fairies must've brought it
during the night.

Suddenly, I have
to do the vault Heimlich

and cough out an account number

(speaking foreign language).

I know this one thing,

I know there is one country

that is not developing
some horrible weapon

of destruction.

That does not have
a secret weapons lab

up in the mountains.

Jamaica.

Erie, man,

Jamaica would never make
an atomic bomb.

They may make an atomic bong.

But I'd rather fight a war
with the atomic bong,

because when the atomic bomb
goes off,

there's devastation
and radiation.

When the atomic bong goes off,

there's celebration.

(speaks Jamaican)

Smokes a spliff
for the communion.

If you don't see Jesus then,
you never will.

(speaking foreign language)

because I met
this one thing, man.

I know only one thing.

I never met me
an angry pot smoker.

I never met a man who's gone,

"Hey, you fucking prick."

(laughter)

(coughs)

Oh, fuck.

"What was I going to do?"

Oh, hold me, you piece of shit.

Get over here."

Because you see, marijuana...

(laughter)

I know this one.
Wait a minute.

(laughter)

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

(laughs)

Okay. If you smoke a lot of pot,

you may never become
a rocket scientist,

or maybe...

if you've seen
some of the things

that have happened recently
with NASA,

maybe you can.

Okay, okay, okay.

Here's a fun... oh, fuck, okay.

Okay. The Mars Lander, okay?

Fuck.

I did the calculations in feet,

but I programmed the lander
in meters.

Oops.

So, instead of landing,

fucker buried.

185 million dollar-whoopsie.

Two years, splat.

Oh, okay, fuck.
Here's a better one, okay. Shh.

The Hubble Telescope...

I forgot to put in a lens.

(laughter)

Read the top line.

Alpha Centauri, Sirius...

the rest is just a black hole.

I once called
Steven Hawking's house.

"Hello,
this is Steven Hawking."

Yes, I'd like to leave
a message.

"No. This is Steven Hawking."

(laughter)

I know one thing, though.

You know,
pot is not like alcohol.

Alcohol changes
your mood sometime.

Like, go to a bar at happy hour

and see some
just happy motherfuckers there.

See those guys going,
"Hey, fuck you, my man.

Hey, hmm...

hey, listen to me.

Listen to me, you piece of shit.

Listen, you do not know shit

about fuck, my man.

(muttering)

You want a piece of yourself,
hmm?

Step outside, I'll kick my ass.

Come on.

I've already shit myself.

I'm half way there, come on.

Come on, you fucker."

And some people know
you've got a-

you can deal
with it genetically.

You know, if you're Irish,

you've got a running start
that you can do it better

than we are.

You know that
because if you're Irish,

you know, you will kick my ass,

but then you'll fucking sing
about it afterwards.

♪ Oh, that night you said
my wife was fat ♪

♪ I knocked you down
and shit in your hat ♪

♪ Away the time we go away ♪

♪ Coming away forever ♪

♪ Moving a thing, my lawyer ♪

And you keep drinking
till you're in your 80s

and you're on
a dialysis machine.

Doing liver dance
and Michael Flatline.

Beep.

And they say
the Irish saved civilization,

drank a couple of Guinness

and forgot
where they fucking put it.

But that's all right.

Here's the drill,
and the Japanese,

they drink differently than us.

It is a different thing
where you could be very polite

during the day,

and all of a sudden you
(speaks Japanese)

and after five Jack Daniels,

(speaks Japanese)

(speaks Japanese)

Karaoke for asshole
with a microphone.

Sing, you round-eyed fuck,
come on.

And if you want

a linguistic adventure,

go drinking with a Scotsman,

because you can't
fucking understand them before.

You land in Scotland
and they're going,

(Indistinct)

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah?

Right (Indistinct)

Fuck (Indistinct)

Sure. Oh, fuck sure, eh?

(Indistinct)

Sure. Oh, sure,

you dumb fucking bastard.

You realize that here.

And you realize
how drunk they get,

they could wear a skirt
and not care.

And how they could invent
a sport like golf.

Here's my idea

for a fucking sport.

I knock a ball

in a gopher hole.

Oh, you mean like pool?

Fuck off pool.

Not with a straight stick,

with a little fucked up stick.

I whack the ball.

It goes in a gopher hole.

Oh, you mean like croquet?

Fuck croquet.

I put the hole
hundreds of yards away.

Oh, fuck, oh, yeah.

It's big fun.

Yeah, yeah.
That's a great game.

Oh, like a bowling thing?

Fuck no.

Not straight.
I put shit in the way.

Like trees and bushes

and high grass.

So you can lose
your fucking ball.

And go whacking away
with a fucking tire iron.

Whacking away,
and each time you miss

you feel like you're going
to have a stroke.

Fuck, that's what we'll call it,

a stroke,
because every time you miss,

you feel like
you're going to fucking die.

Oh, great.

Oh, and here's the better part.

Oh, fuck, this is brilliant.

Right near the end,
I'll put a flat piece

with a little flag
to give you fucking hope.

But then I'll put a pool

and a sandbox

to fuck with your ball again.

Aye, you'll be there
thrashing your ass,

jerking away in the sand.

And you do this one time?

Fuck no.

Eighteen fucking times.

(cheers and applause)

Whoa.

There you have a sport.

The manly sport of golf,

where you can dress like a pimp

and no one will care.

Where you can wear clothes

and even a blind gay man
would go,

"Oh, dear Christ.

Those are loud.
This is not Carnaval.

What the fuck are you on?"

Even the alligators
are going, "Asshole."

(laughter)

And you get in there...
it's such an exciting,

athletic sport too.

Whack the ball, get in the cart.

Whack the ball, get in the cart.

And the commentary's
electrifying,

just this side of Curling,

for really getting me going.

We're on the third green now.

Could people be quieter?

I'd like to hear the grass grow.

I want the guy
who does Mexican soccer

to do golf one time.

(cheers and applause)

The ball is rolling.

The ball is going to the...

hole!

(screams)

Just to see all those
old WASP-y motherfuckers go,

"Oh, dear Christ.

My God, they're not gardening,

they're playing now.
Oh, shit.

What the hell
are we going to do?"

Because that was their last
domain of dominance.

It was their area.

They were the king

up until Tiger.

Yes.

Son of a black man
and a Thai woman.

Not even a German geneticist

could've thought than one up.

Black athletic ability,

Buddhist concentration.

(speaking foreign language)

Crouching putter (laughs).

And then he goes
to the British Open

and he plays at Saint Andrews,

where they fucking
invented the sport.

And after the fourth round,
he's 18 under par

and there's only
18 fucking holes.

And all of the old men
are going,

"Oh, my God,

we're doomed.

How did he learn to play?

We wouldn't have let him join.
Dear God."

And they start having
nightmares of golf carts going

(beat-boxing)

♪ Yo, yo, yo,
I'm playing through ♪

♪ Whether you're Gentile
or a Jew ♪

♪ Pebble Beach, motherfucker ♪

(cheers and applause)

Sandy.

Because all
of your gentle sports

are no longer gentle.
Tennis used to be,

(clicks tongue) oh,

(clicks tongue) oh,

until the Williams sisters

(grunting)

40 love?

No, that's good love, baby.

Yeah.

And boxing,
even boxing's changed.

Remember boxing?
People go,

"I go to boxing

to watch the sport of boxing."

Yes, it's like you're saying,
"I go to stock car races

to see people
take left turns all day."

(laughter)

No, you go to boxing to see

someone get the fuck
beat out of them.

Even the guy who loses is going,

"I have 18 million dollars.

I don't know
where it fucking is.

I'm going to buy me
a big ass house,

but I can't find it.

Fuck off."

Until...
Boxing was the same,

and then, Mike Tyson.

Mike Tyson comes along
and bites somebody.

Let's get ready to nibble.

And all these guys going,
"Oh, dear God,

he bit somebody."
I'm saying,

"You're lucky
he just bit somebody.

Mike just got out of prison.

You're lucky he didn't
fuck him. Come on."

(cheers and applause)

You bite somebody
in jail, it's like,

"Get ready, bitch.
You're mine now."

"Break it up."
"When I'm finished."

Because Mike said
to a journalist,

"I'm going to fuck you
till you love me."

And at that point, I'm going,

"Someone didn't come here
to box, babe."

And, you know, Mike said,
"I'm on Zoloft,

so I don't kill,
you motherfuckers.

I'm going,
"Up the dosage, Mike."

(cheers and applause)

But there's all these drugs,
Zoloft, Prozac.

I want to have one drug
encompassing it all.

Call it "FuckltAll".

I don't feel anything.

I don't want to do anything.

"FuckltAll".

The closest thing
to a coma you'll ever be,

"FuckltAll."

I'm sitting here in my own dung,

"FuckltAll."

But the scary thing
about drugs like that

is they always have some
horrible side effect like,

"May cause artificial
insemination." Whoa.

(cheers and applause)

What? What do you mean?

Like there's a product
called Olestra,

which is a very strange thing.

Olestra? What is that?

You know, it said on the
little side of the chips,

it said, "May cause
anal leakage." Wow.

That's not a side effect
if my ass is going...

(cheers and applause)

I think that's
an effect, really.

I think of it,
"Fire in the hole." Bad day.

(cheers and applause)

If you're going,
"How you're doing, Bob?"

"Oh, just a little
anal leakage, Ted."

"Bob, you want to get out
of the pool right now?"

(cheers and applause)

Because damn it,
I want science to help me.

God, look at me.
Look at this. My God.

I've had women in New York
say, "Don't wear fur."

I mean, look at me.

It's politically in correct.

Throw red paint.
"Fuck off, lady, it's me.

I'm a fucking Chia pet.
Come on."

I've gone to the zoo
and had monkeys go...

(cheers and applause)

And anybody who thinks
the zoo is a happy place,

go and watch the monkeys wait
for groups of schoolchildren

and watch the fun, because
the monkeys just sit there,

like (makes sound)

"Wait for it".

(makes sound)

"Wait till the teacher comes
with the video camera."

(makes sound)

"Now. (makes sound)
Fire!"

(cheers and applause)

Because they're not happy.

Even the poor animals
like Ling Ling the panda,

she must mate so you can
build a wing on the zoo.

So they go to China
and they anesthetize a panda,

which is kind of redundant,
and they bring him back

to America and give him
a name like Ping Pong.

Oh, when his Chinese
name was Who Shu Ko Hu,

"Bear with Balls of Steel."

And they put him
in the cage with Ling Ling

and say, "Go, mate."
And he looks at her like,

"I would never fuck her."

(cheers and applause)

"That is one ugly panda bitch."

"If you were a panda,
you would know

that's the ugliest fucking
panda bitch there is.

I would not have fuck her
with a koala's dick."

(cheers and applause)

"Fuck off. No, I would
rather lick my own balls

than fuck that panda bitch."

(cheers and applause)

"Uh-uh."

Because there is only
one animal who can tell you

if she is happy
and wants to mate.

That is Coco,
the silver-back gorilla.

And she saw me,
the blue-eyed simian.

She was intrigued.

She said to her trainer
(makes gesture)

And I went,
"What does that mean?"

"She wants you to tickle her."

"Okay." I tickle her,
then she's (makes sound)

"Okay."
Then she goes (makes gesture)

"What does that mean?"

"She wants you
to lift your shirt."

I lift my shirt,

she reaches out
and grabs both my nipples.

(cheers and applause)

And when an 800-pound
gorilla's got you

by the tits, you listen.

And then a fun thing happened
because my balls went,

"Somebody wants to play.

Shall we go to phase two?"

"No, do not go to phase two.

(cheers and applause)

I repeat.
Do not go to liftoff.

"This may feel like a human,

but notice the placement
of the thumbs.

This is not a human.

Do not go to phase two.

Warning. Warning."

But she must've sensed something

because she grabs me
by the hand,

starts to take me
in the back and it's like,

Daktari meets Deliverance.

And I'm expecting
the crocodile hunter

to walk out and go, "Oh, crikey.

She wants to fuck
his brains out.

Watch out, boys and girls.

Danger. Danger. Danger.

This could be like that time

I put my finger
in a croc's cloaca.

Bad, bad move."

But part of me went,

"Could be fun."

(cheers and applause)

Make a great story for a bar.

A guy's going, "I had
a wild night in Vegas."

"Yeah?
Well, I banged a gorilla.

Where's everybody going?"

(cheers and applause)

And you don't want
that late night phone call

like, ring, "Hello?"
(makes sound)

(cheers and applause)

Don't call me.

And maybe it's because I'm 50,

maybe it's because
when you hit 50,

the old machinery
doesn't work so well.

You'll be at a public
restroom going,

"How're you doing?
Great game today, huh?"

(cheers and applause)

Oh, boy.

Because what's happened is...

your prostate is bigger
than your ego now.

Remember the first time
it hits you

when you're in your 40s,
you have to go to the doctor

and they have to do
the old (makes sound)

First time is, "Oh, my God."

"I'm just putting on the glove,
Mr. Williams."

I went back the second time.

I moaned another doctor's name.

Don't do that.

(cheers and applause)

They get jealous.
"Who's Dr. Smith?"

"You're the only one."

(cheers and applause)

And I appreciate now
when a woman

has to go to the gynecologist,

you don't want a doctor
who has a hobby.

You don't want a gynecologist
who's also a magician.

No.

You don't want somebody going,

"How are we today?
Let's-oh, a dove.

Whoa, what's this?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold on. Is this your card?"

I don't want a doctor

who is a proctologist
and ventriloquist.

No. I don't want
somebody going,

"How you're doing today?"
Take your hand out' of my ass.

I'm not a Muppet. Move it.

Because when you go
to the doctor in your 50s,

it's no longer
the (makes sound).

It's the ortho-proctoscope.

The colonoscopy.
That's what W did.

Yes, it's a video camera
on the end of a Roto-Rooter.

And it's going up you.

Suddenly, you're your own
Discovery channel special.

(cheers and applause)

"Slowly, we are going up
Robin's colon.

This must be what you see.

Slowly up ahead,
a burger he had in '85."

"Oh, my God, is that a polyp?"

"No, that's a fart,
Mr. Williams. Don't be afraid."

And then they go further
up your ass. They blow air.

Now, you're a fucking
party favor.

It's like...

"Oh, doctor, give it to me.
Give me all I can take.

I'm a man.
Give me 120 PSI. (laughs)."

Whoa, you feel like a pinata,

you think little Mexican kids
are going to come out and go,

"Get the presents.
Get the presents."

And I know the air
is coming this way.

The farts are going,
"Incoming."

It's not a... no finger.
It's a... it's a...

Fall back behind the shit,
wait for my command.

Prepare to make
the wet sloppy noise."

Because the moment they pull
that tube out of your ass,

you are an Evinrude.

(makes sound)

Rolling, rolling, rolling,

keep that colon flowing rawhide.

(makes sound)

Forty miles, blowing out of you.

(makes sound)

You put on your pants

and you're floating
like a balloon,

Spinnaker in the America's Cup.

"Coming about, Jimmy.
She's yours."

(makes sound)
And then you realize,

"Oh, shit, fire in the hole.

Tighten up boys,
we're not going to drop here.

(makes sound)
Thank you, doctor.

See you next week.

(fart sounds)

Hold the elevator.

(fart sounds)
Fuck you, you bastard.

(fart sounds)

Seven flights of stairs.

(fart sounds)
Everybody you pass,

you're going, "It's me."

Dogs look at you like,
"Roll over, man, you're dead."

You just want to borrow a match
and go, "Give me that."

(makes sound)

Flaming asshole.

Go on, because
that's what you are.

You're a flaming asshole.
You're 50."

"And can they make
a drug to help you

through all of that,
to keep all of your organs

intact till your golden years?"
"No."

"Can they make a drug
to give you mental clarity

to your golden time?"
"No."

They've got a drug to make you
harder than Chinese algebra.

Grandpa can have wood again.

(laughs)
Oh, good.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
Look at it.

"I don't need the walker."
"I see that."

And your Grandmother's going,

"Oh, shit. I thought
the war was over.

God, get me a tetanus shot,
if you're going to stick me

with that rusty fucking thing.
Get away."

(makes sound)

People have died on Viagra.

They have to have
the open coffin.

It's hard.

People walk in there going,
"Oh, dear God,

I don't remember Pete
being like that.

Kids, go get some horseshoes.

He would've wanted it that way."

And it's amazing, too, because
you used to have to get that...

you'd have to get it from some
strange Chinese aphrodisiac,

like hummingbird eyelash
and rhino horn,

to give you great masculinity.

But now you're on Viagra.

You are bad.
You are Frankencock.

You are the Inseminator.

You are ready to go.

You are going to be going
for one hour,

one hour and a half.
(laughs)

And a lot of guys
are going, "Yeah."

And a lot of women
are going, "Uh-uh."

Because after the first hour,
your wife is going,

"Oh, oh, oh, yeah.
Oh, big daddy.

Oh, oh, oh, ah.

Listen, I got shit to do, okay?

Oh, okay. Oh, oh, yeah.
Oh, oh."

Ring. "Hello?

Yeah, I'll be late today.

Viagra, fucking...

Well, no,
I'll try and get there.

Oh, go outside
with that thing. God."

And you can't go
outside with a hard-on

because the cat just waits
for you to go (makes sound).

And your dog is going,
"Whoa, you too?"

Can't go to work
like, "Hey, Bob.

How are you, Pete?
How are you doing?

Yeah. I'm happy
to be here today."

Direct traffic.
No, you can't do shit.

You have to make it go away
and you're slapping it.

It's like one of those
little punch-me clowns.

(laughs)

"I'm not going anywhere."

You have to finish it off.

You go, "All right.
I'll do it. I'll finish it."

And in the old days
it was (makes sound) (laughs).

But now,
after an hour and a half,

you've got more semen
than the Fifth Fleet.

So when you go, it's like,

(makes sound)
Oh, my eyes."

And your wife goes,
"Now you know

how it feels, asshole."

(makes sound)

"Aim for the tits, Hawkeye."

"Well-oh, my God,
I'm like a Lawn Boy.

Get out. Save yourself.

Not the drapes. Too late.

I own that. I own that.

No." (makes sound)

And you run out of semen
and your testicles are going,

"We've still got
an erection, chief."

"Give me blood,
give me urine, any fluid.

God, oh, (makes sound)

Oh, God, please make this

fucking shit go away.

(makes sound)

You do every goofy
fucking orgasmic thing.

(makes sound)

Fuck.

Oh, fuck.

"Don't touch it.
(cheers and applause)

"Don't look at it.

Don't even think about it."

And then you realize...

that God gave you
a penis and a brain.

And only enough blood
to run one at a time.

You have lost thoughts
from your childhood.

(Indistinct)

And then you hear these words
from your lady:

"My turn."

"You can't fucking be serious.

Look at me, I'm Goo Boy.

What are you doing? No."

That's right, Corky.
It's time to saddle up.

We're heading south
of the border.

You got to please Missy.

And I have one question
for the ladies.

Do we look like this?

(cheers and applause)

Are you almost there?

No, no, no,
I will... I will finish.

No, no, no, I love you.

I love you.

No, I will finish.

(Indistinct)
I can take it.

I just can't feel my face.

Now, who's your daddy?

I love you. I love you.

I'll finish. I'll finish.

I'll finish.

(snoring)

(cheers and applause)

Good night.

(cheers and applause)

What's up, brother?

Thank you.

(cheers and applause)

New York.

Thank you.

Respect for New York.

Marty Callner.
David Steinberg.

What are we going
to do tonight, Marty?

Good night.

Thank you.

(Indistinct)

You're the best.

We did it.

Oh.

My pink lady.

(cheers and applause)

Thank you.

Whoa.

HBO. Thank you.

Good night.

(cheers and applause)