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1
00:00:54,921 --> 00:00:57,557
Ain't this ridiculous now, huh?
2
00:00:57,657 --> 00:01:01,127
- Me, serving you your breakfast.
- -It's just for today.
3
00:01:01,227 --> 00:01:03,396
Aunt Edith goes back
on late time tomorrow.
4
00:01:03,496 --> 00:01:05,298
Oh, I know all about it.
5
00:01:05,398 --> 00:01:07,734
She should be spending
all her time with us.
6
00:01:07,834 --> 00:01:09,869
You know, we're a little
bit more important
7
00:01:09,969 --> 00:01:13,440
than the loonies at that
hoo-hoo hotel she works at.
8
00:01:14,274 --> 00:01:15,775
No, we're not.
9
00:01:15,875 --> 00:01:18,211
Yes, we are.
10
00:01:18,311 --> 00:01:21,314
Anyway, you and I can
take care of ourselves.
11
00:01:21,414 --> 00:01:23,283
Oh, yeah?
12
00:01:23,383 --> 00:01:25,418
Then how come I got
to take care of you?
13
00:01:25,518 --> 00:01:27,253
You don't.
14
00:01:27,353 --> 00:01:29,389
Then how come
I'm serving you cereal?
15
00:01:29,489 --> 00:01:32,392
Because you wouldn't let me
serve myself some pie.
16
00:01:33,726 --> 00:01:35,395
Because I don't want you
to turn out
17
00:01:35,495 --> 00:01:37,464
like the aunts over in Jersey.
18
00:01:37,564 --> 00:01:40,100
With a pinhead on top,
flat feet on the bottom,
19
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:41,901
and a balloon in the middle.
20
00:01:43,269 --> 00:01:45,305
Who's gonna marry you
if you look like that?
21
00:01:48,341 --> 00:01:49,809
Now, when you're finish there,
22
00:01:49,909 --> 00:01:52,178
take all the dishes
and put 'em in the sink,
23
00:01:52,278 --> 00:01:53,756
'cause I wanna tell you
something, kiddo,
24
00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:56,416
that's the work that
women does best, housework.
25
00:01:56,516 --> 00:01:58,685
And having the babies, right?
26
00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:03,223
Hey, hey, I don't wanna hear
that kind of talk from you.
27
00:02:06,226 --> 00:02:09,129
The babies come by way
of Mr. Stork.
28
00:02:10,230 --> 00:02:12,899
Don't give me that look.
29
00:02:12,999 --> 00:02:15,668
Ain't you never seen
them lovely little diaper ads
30
00:02:15,768 --> 00:02:17,103
in the magazines?
31
00:02:17,203 --> 00:02:19,139
You know, with the stork
flying along,
32
00:02:19,239 --> 00:02:20,607
delivering a baby?
33
00:02:20,707 --> 00:02:23,042
Like this here
and he stops right over
34
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:24,711
that expecting house,
35
00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:27,714
opens his... drops the baby
right down the chimney.
36
00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:29,315
You don't really want me
37
00:02:29,415 --> 00:02:31,284
to believe that, do you?
38
00:02:31,384 --> 00:02:34,053
Yes, I do.
39
00:02:35,622 --> 00:02:38,191
Until you get to high school.
40
00:02:38,291 --> 00:02:40,693
And then God help us.
41
00:02:40,793 --> 00:02:42,662
The toast is burned.
42
00:02:42,762 --> 00:02:44,864
Oh, well,
I can take care of that.
43
00:02:44,964 --> 00:02:46,032
Here.
44
00:02:46,132 --> 00:02:48,268
Now...
45
00:02:48,368 --> 00:02:51,104
- All right.
- Now there's a
46
00:02:51,204 --> 00:02:54,140
You got the scrapings
in my cereal.
47
00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:55,942
Dribble a little milk over them,
48
00:02:56,042 --> 00:02:58,411
they'll sink out of sight.
49
00:02:58,511 --> 00:03:00,313
- I'm not hungry.
- Well, I don't care
50
00:03:00,413 --> 00:03:01,981
if you're hungry or not,
now, eat, eat.
51
00:03:03,349 --> 00:03:06,286
- Get the door.
- What happened to "eat, eat"?
52
00:03:06,386 --> 00:03:08,588
You can eat, eat
after you get the door, door.
53
00:03:08,688 --> 00:03:09,756
Hurry up.
54
00:03:11,524 --> 00:03:14,527
Coming, coming.
55
00:03:14,627 --> 00:03:17,397
And it's any
of the aunts from Jersey,
56
00:03:17,497 --> 00:03:19,232
I'll open a vein.
57
00:03:19,332 --> 00:03:20,833
Don't be smart.
58
00:03:20,934 --> 00:03:22,268
Hello, Steph. Hi.
59
00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:24,737
Oh, hi there, Murray.
What brings you out so early?
60
00:03:24,837 --> 00:03:27,707
Listen, we've got an important
business problem to talk of.
61
00:03:27,807 --> 00:03:29,718
I thought I'd come by and have
a cup of coffee with you.
62
00:03:29,742 --> 00:03:31,644
Oh, yeah, well, I drank it all.
63
00:03:31,744 --> 00:03:34,247
- How about a bowl of Farina?
- No, no.
64
00:03:34,347 --> 00:03:36,249
The Farina is yours.
Now get it down.
65
00:03:36,349 --> 00:03:37,951
And hurry up,
you'll be late for school.
66
00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:39,986
Edith's gone to work already?
67
00:03:40,086 --> 00:03:43,089
Can you believe it,
at 7:00 a.m. this morning?
68
00:03:43,189 --> 00:03:45,291
She went to take
a bus load of head cases
69
00:03:45,391 --> 00:03:47,827
for an afternoon spin.
70
00:03:47,927 --> 00:03:50,897
Afternoon spin in the morning?
71
00:03:50,997 --> 00:03:52,432
Sure.
72
00:03:52,532 --> 00:03:54,801
The nuts don't know
what time it is.
73
00:03:56,002 --> 00:03:57,637
They take them all around,
74
00:03:57,737 --> 00:04:00,273
they bring 'em home for lunch
and call that dinner.
75
00:04:02,108 --> 00:04:03,509
Then they shove them all in bed
76
00:04:03,610 --> 00:04:05,945
and hope they sleep
for a day and a half.
77
00:04:08,214 --> 00:04:11,651
Will you hurry up?
Eat faster, faster.
78
00:04:11,751 --> 00:04:13,186
Don't tell her that, Arch.
79
00:04:13,286 --> 00:04:14,621
It's bad for digestion.
80
00:04:14,721 --> 00:04:15,922
Slower, baby.
81
00:04:16,022 --> 00:04:17,123
- Slower.
- Come on.
82
00:04:17,223 --> 00:04:19,926
Wait, can't you tell
she's stalling here?
83
00:04:20,026 --> 00:04:22,495
She's trying to make herself
late for arithmetic.
84
00:04:22,595 --> 00:04:25,164
You always say girls
don't need that anyway.
85
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:26,499
Well, they don't.
86
00:04:26,599 --> 00:04:29,402
But I don't need no more
nasty notes from your teacher.
87
00:04:30,870 --> 00:04:33,239
What will you give me
if I eat this?
88
00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:36,809
Tell you what.
89
00:04:36,909 --> 00:04:38,578
This afternoon,
90
00:04:38,678 --> 00:04:41,781
I'll give you a nice piece
of Boston cream pie
91
00:04:41,881 --> 00:04:43,950
if you eat that slop now.
92
00:04:45,018 --> 00:04:47,320
That is the worst thing
you can do,
93
00:04:47,420 --> 00:04:48,788
to bribe a child.
94
00:04:48,888 --> 00:04:50,523
Not if the child is a girl.
95
00:04:50,623 --> 00:04:54,027
- Uh, uh, see?
- She knows where it's at.
96
00:04:54,794 --> 00:04:57,163
Listen, Arch, we're gonna
have visitor today,
97
00:04:57,263 --> 00:04:59,299
somebody from
the State Tax Department.
98
00:04:59,399 --> 00:05:01,100
We have to answer
a couple of questions.
99
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:02,435
- I'm full.
- Oh, wait, wait.
100
00:05:02,535 --> 00:05:03,836
Wait, wait a minute,
Murray, huh.
101
00:05:03,936 --> 00:05:06,973
Don't you know it's a crime
to leave food in your bowl
102
00:05:07,073 --> 00:05:09,442
while there's hungry people
in this world?
103
00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:12,545
Oh, then why don't we
just send this to them?
104
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:16,282
We have not been
following regulations.
105
00:05:16,382 --> 00:05:17,760
- Did you pack my lunch?
- Yeah, yeah.
106
00:05:17,784 --> 00:05:19,719
It's in the kitchen.
107
00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:22,188
Archie, we've got a tax problem.
108
00:05:22,288 --> 00:05:24,290
Oh, oh, Murray. Listen, please.
109
00:05:24,390 --> 00:05:26,826
I don't wanna talk
about taxes till tax time.
110
00:05:26,926 --> 00:05:29,562
- You've got to pay a little...
- Why is there only one Twinkie
111
00:05:29,662 --> 00:05:30,830
in here?
112
00:05:30,930 --> 00:05:32,832
'Cause I got to live,
too, don't I?
113
00:05:32,932 --> 00:05:35,368
- That's enough, Stephanie.
- Remember you teeth.
114
00:05:35,468 --> 00:05:38,771
- What about his teeth?
- Too late for his teeth.
115
00:05:41,541 --> 00:05:44,010
Bye, baby.
116
00:05:44,110 --> 00:05:47,547
Hey, hey there, kiddo.
Uh, where's your galoshes?
117
00:05:47,647 --> 00:05:50,083
I threw 'em at a boy
and he kept 'em.
118
00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:51,851
Remember what I told you, see?
119
00:05:51,951 --> 00:05:54,687
If anybody speaks to you
in the street, scream.
120
00:05:56,989 --> 00:05:58,391
Have a nice day at school.
121
00:05:58,491 --> 00:05:59,892
See you at the saloon.
122
00:06:01,994 --> 00:06:04,630
- Some cute kid, huh?
- Yeah.
123
00:06:04,731 --> 00:06:06,532
Now, about those taxes, Arch.
124
00:06:06,632 --> 00:06:07,952
Oh, now, come on will you,
Murray?
125
00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:09,469
Don't bother about that.
126
00:06:09,569 --> 00:06:11,871
The taxes are under control.
127
00:06:11,971 --> 00:06:14,040
The taxes are in a mess.
128
00:06:14,140 --> 00:06:15,808
What the hell
are you talking about?
129
00:06:15,908 --> 00:06:18,578
I am talking about this.
130
00:06:18,678 --> 00:06:21,180
- Here. This.
- Well, what is it?
131
00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:23,983
That's the sales tax notice
that I was telling you about.
132
00:06:24,083 --> 00:06:26,652
- Oh, look at this.
- This letter is over two months old.
133
00:06:26,753 --> 00:06:29,255
That was a final warning.
Why didn't you answer it?
134
00:06:30,356 --> 00:06:32,925
Because if you answer
them tax people,
135
00:06:33,025 --> 00:06:34,994
they'll keep on rakin' to you.
136
00:06:35,094 --> 00:06:36,629
Oh.
137
00:06:36,729 --> 00:06:38,664
- Oh, no.
- Uh, listen.
138
00:06:38,765 --> 00:06:40,066
Let me explain something here.
139
00:06:40,166 --> 00:06:41,901
I wanna try and not get excited.
140
00:06:42,001 --> 00:06:44,570
Look, we do our sales tax
141
00:06:44,670 --> 00:06:47,507
usually in December, see?
142
00:06:47,607 --> 00:06:51,277
And that's all in the hands
of our accountant,
Numbers Maloney.
143
00:06:51,377 --> 00:06:53,446
Numbers Maloney?
144
00:06:53,546 --> 00:06:55,448
His name is Joseph.
145
00:06:55,548 --> 00:06:57,550
We gave him
the nickname of Numbers.
146
00:06:57,650 --> 00:06:59,886
Because he plays them
or wears them?
147
00:06:59,986 --> 00:07:02,989
Murray, don't be
a smart guy, will you?
148
00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:05,825
Number Maloney happens to be
a genius with figures.
149
00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:07,202
Now, I'm only trying
to tell you,
150
00:07:07,226 --> 00:07:08,626
all you got to do
is get all your...
151
00:07:08,694 --> 00:07:10,563
Hey, your papers together.
152
00:07:10,663 --> 00:07:12,465
I mean, your bills
and your receipts,
153
00:07:12,565 --> 00:07:14,200
your memoirs, your tabs, there.
154
00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:15,668
The tapes from the register.
155
00:07:15,768 --> 00:07:17,045
And then you had
a little piece of paper
156
00:07:17,069 --> 00:07:19,505
you find laying on the bar
or on the floor.
157
00:07:19,605 --> 00:07:21,174
You sweep it all up,
158
00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:22,809
you put it
in a big shopping bag,
159
00:07:22,909 --> 00:07:24,177
you take it over once a year
160
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:25,912
to Numbers Maloney
in Long Island City,
161
00:07:26,012 --> 00:07:27,447
and that's that.
162
00:07:27,547 --> 00:07:30,516
That is not that.
163
00:07:30,616 --> 00:07:34,053
Sales taxes are due
and payable quarterly.
164
00:07:34,153 --> 00:07:35,321
- Oh, come on.
- Let me at it.
165
00:07:35,421 --> 00:07:37,590
No, wait a minute.
Just wait a minute now.
166
00:07:37,690 --> 00:07:39,926
Here, here. Here.
167
00:07:40,026 --> 00:07:42,829
What is that, "boff"?
168
00:07:44,030 --> 00:07:45,965
That ain't "boff."
169
00:07:46,065 --> 00:07:48,534
That's B-O-F-F.
170
00:07:48,634 --> 00:07:51,137
All right, then what is B-O-F-F?
171
00:07:51,237 --> 00:07:54,140
Barney owes 45.
172
00:07:57,844 --> 00:08:00,146
Here, what's this?
Explain this to me.
173
00:08:00,246 --> 00:08:01,590
Here, three circles
and one with a cross in it.
174
00:08:01,614 --> 00:08:03,382
- What does that mean?
- Well, that's easy.
175
00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:05,084
I ordered three bottles of beer
176
00:08:05,184 --> 00:08:07,362
and only two of them come,
so I crossed out the other one.
177
00:08:07,386 --> 00:08:09,222
Geez, a dummy could
figure out that code.
178
00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:11,958
That's right,
because a dummy wrote it.
179
00:08:12,058 --> 00:08:14,160
Listen, Murray,
you're the dummy,
180
00:08:14,260 --> 00:08:15,537
'cause you're messing
at the things
181
00:08:15,561 --> 00:08:16,881
that you don't know
nothing about.
182
00:08:16,929 --> 00:08:18,340
You're not only telling me
about the business,
183
00:08:18,364 --> 00:08:20,466
you're trying to tell me
how to feed my little niece.
184
00:08:20,566 --> 00:08:22,168
- What do you call her?
- Stephanie.
185
00:08:22,268 --> 00:08:24,103
I didn't ask you
for that information.
186
00:08:24,203 --> 00:08:26,072
You see, you're a bigger pain
in the butt to me
187
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:27,907
than to trap down
the German's give me,
188
00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:29,609
and you ain't even
supposed to be here.
189
00:08:29,709 --> 00:08:32,111
Where's the legal paper you
were supposed to have drew up,
190
00:08:32,211 --> 00:08:33,211
so I could buy you out?
191
00:08:33,279 --> 00:08:34,747
Where is that?
192
00:08:34,847 --> 00:08:36,716
Murray:
Papers don't buy me out,
193
00:08:36,816 --> 00:08:39,118
$30,000 might.
194
00:08:41,888 --> 00:08:43,022
How much?
195
00:08:43,122 --> 00:08:46,492
I said $30,000
might be buy me out.
196
00:08:46,592 --> 00:08:49,495
What the hell
are you talking, $30,000?
197
00:08:49,595 --> 00:08:50,897
You only put in $24,000.
198
00:08:50,997 --> 00:08:53,232
The dollar went down.
199
00:08:53,332 --> 00:08:55,902
But why should I take
a fall for that?
200
00:08:56,002 --> 00:08:57,970
Why should I?
201
00:08:58,070 --> 00:09:00,606
'Cause you was the one
that wanted to put
your money in here.
202
00:09:00,706 --> 00:09:02,946
Yeah, but now you're the one
who wants me to take it out.
203
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:06,178
Well, no, I just want
you take yourself out.
204
00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:07,280
Oh, I see.
205
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:09,515
And you want me to leave
the money in here?
206
00:09:09,615 --> 00:09:12,151
But that was your whole idea
in the first place.
207
00:09:12,251 --> 00:09:14,420
Geez, Harry, give me
a cup of coffee.
208
00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:16,322
Archie, if I went out that door,
209
00:09:16,422 --> 00:09:17,833
you'd be out of business
in 20 minutes.
210
00:09:17,857 --> 00:09:19,392
- Oh, come on.
- You have no idea
211
00:09:19,492 --> 00:09:21,260
of your inventory,
you have no sales records,
212
00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:23,496
no books, and whenever
you don't understand something,
213
00:09:23,596 --> 00:09:24,697
you sweep it under the rug.
214
00:09:24,797 --> 00:09:25,908
And now the State of New York
215
00:09:25,932 --> 00:09:27,212
is gonna send us an investigator
216
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:28,734
and how do you like that?
217
00:09:28,834 --> 00:09:30,274
- Do I look worried?
- Of course not.
218
00:09:30,336 --> 00:09:32,238
You got to have brains
to look worried.
219
00:09:35,875 --> 00:09:37,643
You heard him insult me there,
didn't you?
220
00:09:37,743 --> 00:09:39,421
- I heard him.
- Well, that's the last time
221
00:09:39,445 --> 00:09:41,514
- you're gonna hear him do that.
- Oh, no, it isn't.
222
00:09:41,614 --> 00:09:43,134
You got a lot coming
your way, brother.
223
00:09:43,182 --> 00:09:44,550
Oh, I ain't got no more of that.
224
00:09:44,650 --> 00:09:46,461
You were supposed to help me
with that mess in there.
225
00:09:46,485 --> 00:09:49,031
- Where the hell do you
think you're going?
- None of your damn business.
226
00:09:49,055 --> 00:09:51,357
But I'll tell you this,
one way or the other,
227
00:09:51,457 --> 00:09:53,659
I'm going to get rid of you.
228
00:09:53,759 --> 00:09:55,494
Bah.
229
00:09:56,829 --> 00:10:00,199
Murray, what's going on
with youse two?
230
00:10:00,299 --> 00:10:03,502
Oh... it's my fault.
231
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:06,639
I pushed him too far when I
suggested he wasn't too bright.
232
00:10:06,739 --> 00:10:09,342
Geez, you'd think
he'd be used to that.
233
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:12,979
- What's he gonna do?
- I don't know. I don't know.
234
00:10:13,079 --> 00:10:15,581
But whatever it is,
it's gonna be stupid.
235
00:10:22,188 --> 00:10:24,156
Murray:
What did he do with January?
236
00:10:24,256 --> 00:10:26,292
Where could he have put January?
237
00:10:29,528 --> 00:10:32,665
Oh, that's not...
238
00:10:32,765 --> 00:10:34,467
Harry.
239
00:10:37,403 --> 00:10:39,805
Ah, you've been into
Archie's files, huh?
240
00:10:39,905 --> 00:10:41,265
Yeah, listen, Harry,
do me a favor.
241
00:10:41,307 --> 00:10:43,175
From now on,
see that I get all the tapes
242
00:10:43,275 --> 00:10:44,410
from the cash register.
243
00:10:44,510 --> 00:10:46,145
I like them dated
and clipped together.
244
00:10:46,245 --> 00:10:47,613
- Can you do that?
- You got 'em.
245
00:10:47,713 --> 00:10:48,814
Okay.
246
00:10:48,914 --> 00:10:50,116
Uh, good morning.
247
00:10:50,216 --> 00:10:51,651
Oh, sorry, lady.
We ain't open yet.
248
00:10:51,751 --> 00:10:53,052
But we will be in about an hour.
249
00:10:53,152 --> 00:10:55,621
- I'm not a customer.
- I'm here on business.
250
00:10:55,721 --> 00:10:57,256
Is either of you Archie Bunker?
251
00:10:57,356 --> 00:10:59,058
- No.
- I got...
252
00:10:59,158 --> 00:11:01,527
I'm Ms. Bradshaw,
the compliance representative
253
00:11:01,627 --> 00:11:03,629
for the New York State
Tax Department.
254
00:11:08,868 --> 00:11:12,304
- How do you do?
- I'm Murray Klein.
255
00:11:12,405 --> 00:11:14,306
I'm Archie Bunker's partner.
256
00:11:15,374 --> 00:11:16,809
So the Tax Board sent you, huh?
257
00:11:16,909 --> 00:11:18,678
- Yes.
- Interesting.
258
00:11:18,778 --> 00:11:19,979
What's it all about?
259
00:11:20,079 --> 00:11:22,415
Well, I'm here to review
your gross sales records
260
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:23,983
for the past 12 months.
261
00:11:24,083 --> 00:11:26,052
Gross sales records.
262
00:11:26,152 --> 00:11:27,920
- Oh.
- Are these they?
263
00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:30,322
Well, these are some of they.
264
00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:32,034
- Here, sit down.
- Make yourself comfortable.
265
00:11:32,058 --> 00:11:33,759
- Thank you.
- Here you go.
266
00:11:43,769 --> 00:11:46,372
So, would you like a cigarette?
267
00:11:46,472 --> 00:11:47,907
- No, thank you.
- I don't smoke.
268
00:11:48,007 --> 00:11:49,742
Uh-hmm.
269
00:11:49,842 --> 00:11:51,077
- Mind if smoke?
- Yes.
270
00:11:54,814 --> 00:11:56,215
Well...
271
00:11:56,315 --> 00:11:58,017
Well, well, well.
272
00:11:58,117 --> 00:12:01,053
You know, it's hard to
imagine that the dreary
State of New York
273
00:12:01,153 --> 00:12:03,756
would send such
an attractive representative.
274
00:12:05,024 --> 00:12:06,692
I must remind you, Mr. Klein.
275
00:12:06,792 --> 00:12:07,960
Um, Murray.
276
00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:11,664
Mr. Klein, that I am here
strictly on business.
277
00:12:11,764 --> 00:12:14,433
Of course you are, my dear.
278
00:12:14,533 --> 00:12:16,335
Ms. Bradshaw.
279
00:12:16,435 --> 00:12:18,571
Ms. Bradshaw...
280
00:12:18,671 --> 00:12:20,005
my dear.
281
00:12:20,106 --> 00:12:21,774
Strictly business.
282
00:12:21,874 --> 00:12:23,042
Can I get you a drink?
283
00:12:23,142 --> 00:12:24,677
No, I never drink on the job.
284
00:12:24,777 --> 00:12:26,278
Oh, come on.
285
00:12:26,378 --> 00:12:27,713
Just one little one, huh?
286
00:12:27,813 --> 00:12:29,782
Something light, a little,
287
00:12:29,882 --> 00:12:31,450
um, I don't know vermouth...
288
00:12:31,550 --> 00:12:34,687
Look, I am here to investigate
this saloon, Mr. Klein.
289
00:12:34,787 --> 00:12:38,257
Now, what you're suggesting
could be a considered a bribe.
290
00:12:38,357 --> 00:12:39,658
You could go to jail.
291
00:12:40,860 --> 00:12:42,561
I know.
292
00:12:42,661 --> 00:12:44,897
Yes, I know, but, you know,
293
00:12:44,997 --> 00:12:48,167
in spite of the risk...
in spite of the risk,
294
00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:50,569
there's something that I have
to tell you about yourself.
295
00:12:50,669 --> 00:12:53,339
No, it won't work,
Mr. Klein.
296
00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:57,877
You see, what we have here
is a serious tax delinquency.
297
00:12:57,977 --> 00:13:00,246
See, I just wanna say
just one thing that's all.
298
00:13:00,346 --> 00:13:02,181
Just one.
299
00:13:02,281 --> 00:13:04,049
And it's about your eyes.
300
00:13:04,150 --> 00:13:05,651
- Mr. Klein...
- I know you've heard
301
00:13:05,751 --> 00:13:07,086
this story from 100 phonies.
302
00:13:07,186 --> 00:13:08,930
And I know that you're here
on official business,
303
00:13:08,954 --> 00:13:11,390
but this just
one little thing, though.
304
00:13:11,490 --> 00:13:13,626
- Mr. Klein...
- Just one thing.
305
00:13:13,726 --> 00:13:16,128
One and then we go
back to business.
306
00:13:16,228 --> 00:13:19,632
- What do you say?
- Okay, Mr. Klein. Go ahead.
307
00:13:19,732 --> 00:13:22,501
My, uh, eyes.
308
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:32,745
Oh, hi there, sis.
309
00:13:32,845 --> 00:13:34,213
I wanna see Levy Dolt.
310
00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:35,648
Are you a client?
311
00:13:35,748 --> 00:13:37,183
Do I look stupid?
312
00:13:37,283 --> 00:13:40,019
Answer my question
and I'll answer yours.
313
00:13:41,754 --> 00:13:43,389
No, I ain't a client.
314
00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:45,457
My partner, Murray Klein,
is a client.
315
00:13:45,558 --> 00:13:48,060
- You have to make an appointment.
- -I can't do that.
316
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:49,762
I got to see him now.
317
00:13:49,862 --> 00:13:52,631
The councilor's tied up.
318
00:13:52,731 --> 00:13:54,366
The councilor, whoop-de-doo.
319
00:13:54,466 --> 00:13:57,403
Is that what you call
that ambulance-chasing
shyster in there?
320
00:13:59,104 --> 00:14:00,940
The man is a disgrace.
321
00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:03,642
An innocent girl like you,
you shouldn't even be
working here.
322
00:14:03,742 --> 00:14:06,445
- Why don't you quit?
- I'm his wife.
323
00:14:08,614 --> 00:14:09,748
Oh, oh.
324
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:12,484
Well, uh, I'm sorry there.
325
00:14:12,585 --> 00:14:15,020
Well, at least
you deserve a raise.
326
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:16,722
I got one.
327
00:14:22,127 --> 00:14:24,663
- What's your name?
- Bunker.
328
00:14:25,931 --> 00:14:28,033
A Mr. Bunker
wants to talk to you.
329
00:14:28,968 --> 00:14:30,135
Put him on hold.
330
00:14:33,606 --> 00:14:35,674
Unfortunately,
he's not on the phone.
331
00:14:35,774 --> 00:14:37,243
He's here in person.
332
00:14:39,111 --> 00:14:40,312
Oy.
333
00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:44,049
- Come right in.
- Thank you very much.
334
00:14:46,051 --> 00:14:47,319
Go on.
335
00:14:51,457 --> 00:14:53,959
Excuse us.
336
00:14:54,059 --> 00:14:55,961
Levy, I got to talk
to you right away.
337
00:14:56,061 --> 00:14:57,796
Hey, look, I got to
put you on hold.
338
00:14:57,897 --> 00:15:00,532
Make it snappy, Bunker.
I got clients on hold here.
339
00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:02,711
And what about them papers
you're supposed to be
working on?
340
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:03,969
What papers?
341
00:15:04,069 --> 00:15:05,638
The papers that Murray Klein
342
00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:06,939
called you up about,
343
00:15:07,039 --> 00:15:08,574
about six weeks ago.
344
00:15:08,674 --> 00:15:10,542
I don't know
what you're talking about.
345
00:15:10,643 --> 00:15:12,745
Come on, Levy,
you must've heard from them
346
00:15:12,845 --> 00:15:15,314
unless you didn't get the
message from your little wife.
347
00:15:15,414 --> 00:15:17,349
Oh, you noticed my wife, huh?
348
00:15:17,449 --> 00:15:18,793
- Huh? Is that a winner?
- Yeah, all right.
349
00:15:18,817 --> 00:15:20,886
- Forget you wife.
- I can't.
350
00:15:20,986 --> 00:15:22,755
We've only been married
for two weeks.
351
00:15:24,390 --> 00:15:25,925
Two weeks?
352
00:15:28,694 --> 00:15:30,896
Look at this woman, will you?
353
00:15:30,996 --> 00:15:32,631
This is how she looked
when I met her.
354
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:36,135
Runner-up in this year's
355
00:15:36,235 --> 00:15:39,939
Ms. Keep Coney Island
Clean Beauty Contest.
356
00:15:41,707 --> 00:15:43,943
Yeah, she should've won,
but it was definitely a fix.
357
00:15:44,043 --> 00:15:46,512
- Oh, come on, Levy...
- The head judge was...
358
00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:48,681
doing something with the winner.
359
00:15:49,515 --> 00:15:51,283
Looks like you was...
360
00:15:51,383 --> 00:15:53,419
doing something with the loser.
361
00:15:54,119 --> 00:15:55,454
Yeah.
362
00:15:57,690 --> 00:15:59,525
I love her.
363
00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:02,728
Levy, when Klein called you
all them weeks ago...
364
00:16:02,828 --> 00:16:04,596
Klein never called me.
365
00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:06,432
He never called you?
366
00:16:06,532 --> 00:16:07,866
Never.
367
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,335
Are you sure of that?
368
00:16:09,435 --> 00:16:10,703
Absolutely.
369
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:13,372
Maybe he called
and you never took the call?
370
00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:17,409
Sooner or later,
I take all of my calls.
371
00:16:17,509 --> 00:16:20,846
To me, every blinking button
372
00:16:20,946 --> 00:16:23,282
is the heartbeat of a person.
373
00:16:24,783 --> 00:16:26,952
What is Murray Klein
trying to pull on me?
374
00:16:27,052 --> 00:16:29,755
- What are you talking about?
- Why does he wanna stay
with me?
375
00:16:29,855 --> 00:16:31,766
Why did he wanna come with me
in the first place?
376
00:16:31,790 --> 00:16:32,958
Maybe he likes you.
377
00:16:33,058 --> 00:16:35,294
Likes me? Impossible.
378
00:16:36,095 --> 00:16:37,629
I agree with you.
379
00:16:38,931 --> 00:16:40,366
Listen, Levy.
380
00:16:40,466 --> 00:16:42,234
All I want from you is a paper.
381
00:16:42,334 --> 00:16:44,370
Whereby I buy him out.
382
00:16:44,470 --> 00:16:47,206
See, on of a loan of say,
25 or 30 years.
383
00:16:47,306 --> 00:16:49,942
At your standing,
bank interest at say
three and a quarter percent.
384
00:16:51,276 --> 00:16:52,678
'Cause I ain't no good for him.
385
00:16:52,778 --> 00:16:54,747
And he sure ain't
no good for me.
386
00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:56,915
So, you draw up
them papers and fast.
387
00:16:58,117 --> 00:17:00,486
And get them over at the saloon
as soon as you can.
388
00:17:00,586 --> 00:17:02,066
Because if you don't,
I'm warning you.
389
00:17:02,121 --> 00:17:03,922
There's liable to be a murder.
390
00:17:05,391 --> 00:17:06,992
Murder? What murder?
391
00:17:07,092 --> 00:17:08,861
Oh, you'll find out.
392
00:17:08,961 --> 00:17:11,930
And for once, the cops
will be arresting a white guy.
393
00:17:17,703 --> 00:17:19,338
You know,
I can't thank you enough
394
00:17:19,438 --> 00:17:21,573
for making order out of chaos.
395
00:17:22,341 --> 00:17:23,642
Murray.
396
00:17:23,742 --> 00:17:25,911
Yes, Eleanor?
397
00:17:26,011 --> 00:17:28,280
You and your partner
ought to be in jail.
398
00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:31,283
No, I couldn't stand
399
00:17:31,383 --> 00:17:32,718
not being able to see you
400
00:17:32,818 --> 00:17:34,953
for 30 days or so.
401
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,889
Five years or so.
402
00:17:40,092 --> 00:17:42,594
- Eleanor.
- Yes, Murray?
403
00:17:43,962 --> 00:17:47,032
I know that the bookkeeping
up to now has been...
404
00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:51,837
Well, shall we say
disappointing?
405
00:17:52,771 --> 00:17:54,440
Let's say criminal.
406
00:17:56,675 --> 00:17:58,544
No, don't say that.
407
00:17:59,578 --> 00:18:01,513
And it can't go on, Murray.
408
00:18:01,613 --> 00:18:03,482
Oh, it won't.
409
00:18:03,582 --> 00:18:05,417
It won't,
I swear to you, Eleanor.
410
00:18:05,517 --> 00:18:08,487
From now on, everything
will be perfectly in order,
411
00:18:08,587 --> 00:18:11,590
on time, paid in full.
412
00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:13,358
Murray.
413
00:18:13,459 --> 00:18:14,993
Yes, darling?
414
00:18:15,494 --> 00:18:17,563
Let me have my finger back.
415
00:18:17,663 --> 00:18:19,364
I wanna point to something.
416
00:18:20,866 --> 00:18:22,301
Of course, darling.
417
00:18:27,673 --> 00:18:28,807
What?
418
00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:31,310
That.
419
00:18:34,146 --> 00:18:35,280
Hmm.
420
00:18:36,515 --> 00:18:39,418
- $1,650.
- Yeah.
421
00:18:40,419 --> 00:18:43,388
When is the Sovereign State of
New York gonna see this amount?
422
00:18:44,857 --> 00:18:48,160
Well, when I go into town
to pick up our theater tickets,
423
00:18:48,260 --> 00:18:51,029
I'll bring a certified check
over to your office.
424
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:54,666
Oh, I'm not gonna be
in my office this afternoon.
425
00:18:56,435 --> 00:18:57,803
Your apartment?
426
00:19:00,739 --> 00:19:03,208
100 East 57th Street,
427
00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:04,710
7-B.
428
00:19:09,381 --> 00:19:12,151
100 East 57th...
429
00:19:12,251 --> 00:19:13,952
- 7-B.
- 7-B.
430
00:19:17,956 --> 00:19:19,191
I can be there at 8:00.
431
00:19:19,291 --> 00:19:20,492
Oh.
432
00:19:20,592 --> 00:19:22,194
I can be there at 7:00.
433
00:19:22,294 --> 00:19:24,263
I just...
434
00:19:24,363 --> 00:19:26,265
I just wanna show you
435
00:19:26,365 --> 00:19:28,567
that I'm interested.
436
00:19:29,601 --> 00:19:31,403
Okay.
437
00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:33,472
Show me.
438
00:19:38,243 --> 00:19:40,812
Uh...
439
00:19:40,913 --> 00:19:43,482
what, if I, uh...
440
00:19:43,582 --> 00:19:46,451
if I may be so bold,
is going on in here?
441
00:19:48,754 --> 00:19:50,422
What are you doing, socializing?
442
00:19:50,522 --> 00:19:52,958
You should be sitting here,
doctoring up the books.
443
00:19:57,629 --> 00:20:00,265
- My partner is a great kidder.
- Uh-huh.
444
00:20:00,365 --> 00:20:03,835
Archie Bunker, Ms. Bradshaw
from the New York State
Tax Department.
445
00:20:03,936 --> 00:20:05,337
Oh, Murray.
446
00:20:07,272 --> 00:20:10,108
Ms. Bradshaw from the New York
State Tax Department.
447
00:20:12,744 --> 00:20:13,912
Tax?
448
00:20:17,082 --> 00:20:18,417
Oh.
449
00:20:18,517 --> 00:20:20,319
Uh, hi.
450
00:20:20,419 --> 00:20:21,853
Could I get you a drink?
451
00:20:21,954 --> 00:20:23,655
Oh, no, thank you,
Mr. Bunker.
452
00:20:23,755 --> 00:20:27,259
I've already had my,
uh, three-martini lunch.
453
00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:28,894
Oh, oh, well.
454
00:20:28,994 --> 00:20:30,662
I hope it was on us.
455
00:20:30,762 --> 00:20:33,198
- Oh, no, Mr. Bunker.
- On me.
456
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:36,535
Could you even spring for that?
457
00:20:36,635 --> 00:20:38,837
It's not done that way.
458
00:20:41,740 --> 00:20:43,408
Mr. Bunker you have, uh,
459
00:20:43,508 --> 00:20:45,677
a very charming partner.
460
00:20:46,445 --> 00:20:48,780
- Eleanor.
- Archie: Oh, well.
461
00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:50,882
Uh, I hope you don't mind,
462
00:20:50,983 --> 00:20:54,253
but his charms
don't ring no bells for me.
463
00:20:54,353 --> 00:20:56,688
Well, if you don't wanna
give him credit for his charm,
464
00:20:56,788 --> 00:20:59,491
you could at least
give him credit for
keeping you out of jail.
465
00:21:02,060 --> 00:21:04,596
Well, uh, what do you
mean by that, Miss...
466
00:21:04,696 --> 00:21:06,031
- What do you call...
- Bradshaw.
467
00:21:06,131 --> 00:21:07,466
- Bradshaw?
- Bradshaw.
468
00:21:07,566 --> 00:21:10,402
You don't know how close
you came to losing your license.
469
00:21:10,502 --> 00:21:12,471
An indictment
would have followed.
470
00:21:12,571 --> 00:21:14,206
You could have been
closed down, for, uh,
471
00:21:14,306 --> 00:21:16,475
oh, a year or two,
awaiting your trial.
472
00:21:16,575 --> 00:21:20,078
You see, the penalty for fraud
is a very, uh, heavy fine.
473
00:21:20,178 --> 00:21:21,713
Four or five years in jail.
474
00:21:23,782 --> 00:21:25,183
Or both.
475
00:21:27,719 --> 00:21:28,787
Good-bye, Mr. Bunker.
476
00:21:28,887 --> 00:21:30,522
Oh, uh, good-bye there, Miss...
477
00:21:30,622 --> 00:21:33,458
What do you call her?
It was very to, uh...
478
00:21:41,900 --> 00:21:45,537
Uh, could we get you
another olive?
479
00:21:45,637 --> 00:21:47,839
No, thank you.
480
00:21:56,048 --> 00:21:57,316
What happened?
481
00:22:01,453 --> 00:22:04,289
Harry, I'm gonna have
another martini.
482
00:22:04,389 --> 00:22:06,389
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
- Don't be walking.
483
00:22:06,425 --> 00:22:08,860
I'm waiting to hear
what happened.
484
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:11,296
She is going to accept
the delinquent payment
485
00:22:11,396 --> 00:22:14,599
instead of turning our case
over to the state attorney.
486
00:22:14,700 --> 00:22:17,302
You should've seen Murray
operate, Arch.
487
00:22:18,003 --> 00:22:20,906
- Oh, yeah?
- What the hell did he do?
488
00:22:21,006 --> 00:22:24,409
I wouldn't know,
but the lady come in
like a lion,
489
00:22:24,509 --> 00:22:26,445
went out like a lamb.
490
00:22:27,412 --> 00:22:29,081
Listen, whether I stay here
491
00:22:29,181 --> 00:22:30,916
or I lend you money
to buy me out,
492
00:22:31,016 --> 00:22:33,685
I am going to protect
my investment.
493
00:22:33,785 --> 00:22:35,120
Now, you're good, Arch,
494
00:22:35,220 --> 00:22:37,789
but you're not good enough
to run this saloon
from the slammer.
495
00:22:39,858 --> 00:22:41,960
Uh, well, uh...
496
00:22:42,060 --> 00:22:44,363
well, I guess you done
497
00:22:44,463 --> 00:22:46,198
pretty good here, partner.
498
00:22:46,298 --> 00:22:48,400
Oh, thanks.
499
00:22:48,500 --> 00:22:50,268
Well, if you'll excuse me,
500
00:22:50,369 --> 00:22:51,870
I have to run down on the bank.
501
00:22:51,970 --> 00:22:53,772
I got a couple
of things to attend to.
502
00:22:53,872 --> 00:22:55,632
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Sure, go ahead. Go ahead.
503
00:22:55,674 --> 00:22:57,109
You don't have
to rush back neither,
504
00:22:57,209 --> 00:22:59,144
you know,
take the afternoon off.
505
00:22:59,244 --> 00:23:01,279
Uh, in fact, uh, you could take
506
00:23:01,380 --> 00:23:03,415
the whole rest
of the day off, you know.
507
00:23:03,515 --> 00:23:05,217
I'll be on duty tonight.
508
00:23:06,818 --> 00:23:08,587
So will I.
509
00:23:41,553 --> 00:23:41,584
Yi
510
00:23:41,585 --> 00:23:42,585
Ying
36590
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